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thisonehere · 5 months

Note

hey love... hope you're doing well ❤️ I heard you're taking requests 🤭

can I please get a little scenario with reader (gn or female - whatever you're comfy with) and bi-han in bed... she's tired asf. had a long day and whatnot. but bi-han is a horny ass (as expected) and he's painfully hard and keeps shifting around in bed. reader feels his big little issue going on and is like "can you put that thing away please??"

can be a headcannon thing or a little drabble or whatever you like...

pretty please and thank you 💋

BVghjjgvhHGNbvjhh, of course!

A BIG little PROBLEM

HORNY!BI-HAN X GN!READER

A/N: Wow, didn't expect this to be my first request...not complaining though lol. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go take a bath in holy water.

Tags: MK1, Post MK1, MK1 AU, Drabble

TW: 18+, MDNI, NSFW, mention of erections, heat, touch starved, pet names, late-night sex, use of power, dom!sex, nipple-play

Today was a busy day. It has always been like that with the Lin Kuei, but today was possibly the worst so far. Bi-Han started a new project, something he calls the Cyber Initiative. You were already a busy enough person as it is, but this did not make matters any easier on you. You were toiling all day, doing one task to the next, and when you thought you could sit down another duty suddenly popped up for you to do. You were so busy you didn't even notice the sun was setting. But you were grateful nonetheless. Night had finally hit the Arctika and you had finally found a chance to relax.

You slip on your nightgown and sigh in relief as you sink onto the bed. There are so many things you want to do right now, but they're all subsided by one thing you want to do most of all: sleep. Your eyelids are so heavy that you don't even bother to keep them open. You just wrap yourself in the covers and feel yourself drift off in its warmth.

A few hours later you jolt awake at the sound of your room door closing. You don't even bother to look up because you already know who it is. Normally, you would jump into his arms to greet him, but tonight wasn't one of your usual nights. "You're interrupting my beauty sleep, husband." you sarcastically mumble under your breath. "And we'd hate for that to happen now wouldn't we, my snowdrop" Bi-Han grumbles in response. There was something strange about his voice, you couldn't tell whether he was tired or if he was trying to speak in a deeper more menacing tone. It wouldn't be the first time he did it. But you yourself are too tired to care.

With a huff, you roll away from him so you won't have to look at him. Whenever you are tired, you always find yourself in such a grumpy state. It is like you become a whole other person. Someone more sarcastic, petty, and mean-spirited. You were upset with Bi-Han, and you didn't know why exactly, you just knew you were. It could be because of how overworked you have been lately thanks to his sudden ambitions, or maybe it could be because he betrayed his brothers because of his ambition, it could even be a result of you being touch starved, it has been quite a while since you are your husband had any intimate moments. Nether the less, here you, too tired to even think straight.

As Bi-Han pulled open the covers, he froze for a second, Something got his attention. You feel his eyes linger on you. "What is it?" You ask. "...It is nothing" he responds as he quickly slips into bed. Why was he acting so weird? Did he see something? Never mind, you think as you close your eyes. You'll ask him about it in the morning.

After a few moments, you finally found the perfect position to make you comfortable. After that, it was no trouble to doze off, that was until you were rudely woken up by a Bi-Han as he begins shit around in bed. Tossing and turning in different directions. You try your best to ignore it, but his near-constant shifting in position begins to get on your nerves. Twice already has he now interrupted your slumber. You were starting to really get annoyed by him now.

In a sudden move, you jump to a sitting position. "Alright, what is the problem," you ask, this time with more fire and fury in your voice "What's wrong?". With that, Bi-Han rolls over to face you. As he does, you feel something brush up against you. Something hard, yet soft at the same time. You freeze in surprise, too stunned to react. A shiver runs throughout you.

"Are you kidding me?" You finally say. Suddenly it made sense why he acted so strange and was looking at you. "What?" He asked as he leaned up and rested on his elbow. He stares at you with a hardened glare, as if he's almost annoyed himself. "How can you be like this at this time?". Bi-han shrugs and refuses to break his stoic manner even in this circumstance. "I cannot exactly control it." He answers. "So? Do something, put it away. Use your snow magic or something.", "That's not how it works." He said as he rolled his eyes. Bi-Han was obviously feeling very frustrated at the moment but you couldn't help but see a slight smirk attempting to form. "If it bothers you so much...why don't you help alleviate it," he says as he sits up fully, sliding off the covers to fully reveal his erection. The shape of his giant cock pointed a bulge into his night clothes, it grabs your attention immediately. A flustered feeling begins to erupt inside of you as blush spreads all over your face. "Is that a yes, snowdrop?". "I'm tired, Bi-Han., I'm not in the mood to do any more work". He slides closer to you, gifting you a closer look at his "sword". He begins to kiss your neck which causes a sensation to spread throughout your body. "Who said you had to do the work?" You sigh and look at him in the eye, "Fine," You hotly say "Fuck me."

...

"OH MY GODS!" You cry out at Bi-Han rams his dick inside you. You felt its girth and its size fill you entirely. It's humongous, it's almost overwhelming. "That's it, my snowdrop, scream for me." Bi-Han huffs as he grips the headboard, it breaks slightly under his fingers. His other hand is free, and around your neck as it slightly chokes you. If you paid enough attention, you'd notice that a subtle cold wave flowed from his hands and kissed the skin around you causing you to get goosebumps.

But you couldn't notice it, his beautiful cock was so deep inside you that you couldn't even think straight even if you wanted to. It felt so amazing, but too much at the same time. It almost felt like he was about to split you in two. "Oh, Y/n, you're so wet for me aren't you, snowdrop?" he teases with a smirk, he enjoys how much power he has at the moment. Seeing that you squirmed around in pleasure did something for his ego that simple kombat could not.

He looked at your nightgown and he grabbed it and ripped it off of you like it was paper. His eyes burned with lust at the new view now before him. With a pleased sneer on his face, he continued to ram hips in an almost wild motion. Bi-Han loves you, or at least you think he does, but the way he is fucking you almost feels like he hates you with a passion.

"Could Kuai make you feel like this?" He suddenly asks. "What?" He begins to thrust even faster by this response. "Could my brother make you feel this good?" He questions again. "He couldn't" You gasp. "Could that bastard Tomas make you feel this way?" He asks again. "Not even in the slightest." You try your best to respond with. It was obvious he was high on how powerful and amazing this made ehim feel this was no new thing. He sometimes likes to do things like this to feed his ego, unfortunately, it was even bigger than his dick.

"Liu Kang, Raiden, Kung Lao, Johnny, Geras, could any of them satisfy you like I do?" He haughtily questioned. You could feel both of your climaxes slowly arriving. "N-no." you wince as you feel the release coming. "Would you rather stay asleep than let me fuck you?"

"Yes." You say. Without a warning, you rise up and grab Bi-Han and somehow you are able to throw him onto his back. He had gripped the headboard so hard that it shattered at your sudden action. Now on top, you begin to bounce up and down on his dick. You began to pant and huff and even curse under your breath as you tried to not lose your breath. "I...was hoping... to get a good night's rest... but thanks to you...here I am." You force out your mouth between each pant. Bi-han was taken by surprise by this, but he couldn't lie, seeing you try to take control was something very amusing to him. He took one hand and placed it onto your hips to adjust your rhythm. With the other, he used to grab at your chest and he started to play with your nipple. You gasped as you felt slightly cold, he was using his powers again.

He stopped finally and placed both of his hands on your hip. He violently pushes you down, stopping your bouncing. As he does this, you both finally climax. A rush of relief rushes through your body causing you to scream at the top of your lungs and through your head back.

After some time, Bi-Han finally softens his grip and releases you. You fall on your back beside as you both try to catch your breath. "Bastard, that was my favourite nightgown," you say finally. Bi-Han can't help but laugh at this remark. You suddenly feel two strong arms around you, Bi-Han pulls you close and rests your head on his chest. You hear his heartbeat as it provides a soothing rhythm. He grabs the cover and buries you both with it. A smile finds its way onto your face. You melt into your husband's warm embrace, and your bodies entwine as they share each other's warmth. Your eyelids get heavy as you finally drift off.

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frenchbreadandeggs · 11 months

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The Other Variant of Her

pairing: Miguel O'Hara x Reader

summary: Out of nowhere, Gwen Stacy appeared on your Earth, inviting you to the Spider Society in Nueva York. As you reluctantly took her offer, you were shown the beauty of every spider person around HQ. Meeting the founder of the group, Miguel O’Hara. You never knew him, but it seems that he does.

gn!reader, also a spider person

cw. angst, soon.

After I watched ATSV, saw Miguel, I was like—why not make it more sadder? Also made this while I'm fucking writing a travel log for our project, action paper, and capstone. I SWEAR my obsession on writing fanfictions never ends. Gotta go so I can study for finals and defense this week. This was supposed to be a full fic and not by chapters but oh well ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

“Shit!”

You dodge at a car that was thrown in your way, quickly swinging yourself using your web towards a building to land on. As usual you do your superhero things around Kings, York New, beating up villains and chasing down thieves and criminals. But you sure do that this Doctor Octopus you’re fighting isn’t yours, you felt like it was not the doctor that kept chasing you down.

“Come back here you—!” he somehow glitched, a series of colors switched with his body for a split second before Doc Ock shrieked as the grip of his talons of his mechanical tentacles loosened on the blue brick walls, his body now falling.

Quickly, you shot a web on his chest, shooting another one to hold yourself from sliding towards the end of the building as you tried to pull Doc Ock. When he reached the top of the building, you grabbed him by the collar and dragged him on the concrete floor. Not wanting to risk him to go rampage again and destroy half of the city, you wrapped him up with webs, securing his mechanical tentacles on the wall.

He grunted, still recovering from his unusual glitching. You’re going to ask Doctor Strange about this later.

As you were going to bring Doc Ock to the wizard, a person stood in your way—or more like jumped out of nowhere and blocked your way. They wore a white spider suit with pink and black accents.

“Woah,” startled, you backed up, covering the still recovering Doc Ock, “I didn’t know there’s a comic con today—”

You were stopped by a strange tingling at the back of your head, you have spider senses, but this was different.

“Wha—don’t tell me you’re?”

“Holy—you look so cool!”

“What—”

“I’m Gwen Stacy, you are?” she reached her hand towards you after she took her mask off. Blonde short hair with pink dip-dye, the side of her head was shaved, blue eyes and eyebrow piercing. She seemed harmless even though you are still skeptical, but your guts said she is not a problem—and your gut is always right.

“SpiderSlinger.” you introduced yourself, taking Gwen’s hand and shaking it.

“So,” you started, “This is not a joke alright? Is there any cosplay going on somewhere here?”

She snorted, like what you said made no sense to her.

“No, I’m from another universe—I take care of anomalies like that Doc Ock you have there.” she pointed at your back, you looked back to see Doc Ock glitching.

You were not closed about the multiverse existing as Doctor Strange has already mentioned this to you. Though you did not expect for a person outside your universe to come and visit—let alone take care of a person who is not supposed to be in your world.

You looked at her, tilting your head at the side as you grabbed Doc Ock using your web shooter and slung him on your shoulders, unbothered by his weight. Lifts were helpful for you, “By yourself?”

Not too long you tagged along with Gwen, she has explained to you that she is in an elite group called Spider Society where they keep the multiverse from any threats and prevent it from collapsing. Very ambitious you think, the size of the multiverse was incomparable to your thoughts, knowing it is larger than what some people might think. On your way to HQ Gwen mentioned to you, she received a call from someone who’s named ‘Jessica Drew’. You minded your own business when Gwen started to respond to her watch with hushed words, you might have guessed that they were arguing. Gwen sounded pleading all of a sudden.

“Are you sure I’m allowed to go with you?” you asked her after she ended her call. Gwen nodded at you, her head seems like it is going to fall off her neck if she does not stop.

“Absolutely, I already notified them that you’re coming with me.” she handed you a blue wristband, “Here, to keep you from glitching.”

You took the wristband from her and wore it, “Thanks…?”

You have not experienced the ‘glitching’ she was telling you, so it might’ve been like Doc Ock’s situation earlier. Gwen tapped on her watch before a portal appeared in front of you. Your eyes widened in amazement, multiple neon-orange hexagons stood up from the dark but sparkling void—some looked like singular strands of web stretched across the portal, forming in some kind of path to who Spiderperson knows where.

“You got to do this?” Doc Ock still hanging on your shoulder, you pointed at the portal that was formed by Gwen’s watch.

Gwen laughed, smiling at you, not realizing she was showing her gap teeth, “Yeah, all the time.”

“Sick,” you said, still gaped at the portal, “should I…?” you looked at the Doc Ock on your shoulder then to Gwen.

“Oh, yeah definitely.”

With a lift, you pushed Doc Ock inside the portal, his unconscious body sucked into the portal’s abyss. Gwen then looked at you with a reassuring nod and went into the portal, following Doc Ock. You stared at the portal for a while, the city is fine for now since there were no attacks other than Ock—though you were unsure if this was the right idea.

You bit your lip.

“Fuck it she already announced my arrival, might as well go in now.”

Biting back the hesitation of not going in, you leaped into the portal leaving your worries for your city and jumped into the unknown.

You were thrown on the floor face flat on the smooth pavement, you grunted, muffling ‘I’m fine’ even though you know no one would care less. Surprisingly a hand grabbed your wrist and pulled you up to your feet.

“Thanks,” you said, patting the dust off your spider suit. You looked at the scenery around you.

And holy shit you could not believe your eyes at what you are looking at right now. Buildings were everywhere and each building had a bridge attached and led to another building. There were multiple pillars sticking out and attached on each building. That did not amazed you though, it was the massive fucking spiderpeople lounging at the area you are right now.

Not even a hundred were here. It might be thousands of different spider people and you’re one of them. You stared, still in shock at how much spider people are with you here. Taking a hold of Gwen, you gripped both of her shoulders and shook her.

“This is amazing…” you grinned at her, she mirrored yours.

Suddenly, you felt like you were forgetting someone.

Realization hits you, with high alert you asked Gwen, “Where’s Doc Ock?”

“I took care of him,” she placed a hand on your shoulder, giving you a reassuring look.

“Ok,” you took a relaxed exhale, “Well what you showed me was super amazing—very fucking cool—now I want to join—well if that is fine, it looks like y’all won’t be having understaffing for a long time though.”

“Oh—dang, then you should meet Mi—”

“Ooo who’s the newbie here Gwen?”

A distinct voice captured your attention, looking at your back you saw two spider people walking towards you and Gwen.

Pavitr Prabhakar and Hobie Browe were their names given to you in exchange for your Spider name. They were fun to be with, Hobie and Pavitr's shenanigans immediately started right after they met you. You met other spider people, them greeting you back gave you a tingling feeling inside you—maybe it's the fact that they are cool and decided to notice you.

Not for too long Pav said his goodbyes and went back to his Earth while Hobie tagged along when Gwen is guiding you to this ‘Miguel O’Hara’ person. She told you that he was the founder of Spider Society and may or may not have severe anger issues.

“The guy has FANGS?” you looked at Gwen with disbelief.

“Yup, heard that it paralyzes anyone he bites with it—with venom I suppose—obviously.”

She then turns at you, “Alright, we’ll be entering his office. I just hope he isn’t pissed off.”

“He is alway pissed, what do you mean?” Hobie interjected.

“You guys are scaring me—should I like—give him something so he won’t do…?” you wiggled your fingers, hoping they understand what you mean. Hobie just snorts, Gwen shakes her head and takes a grab of your wrists and pulls you with her.

“No, no need.”

The three of you entered a blue dimmed room. Hobie sat on one of the metal seats, watching the scene slowly unfold in front of him. There was a floating platform just above you and Gwen, both of you stood still. If you squint just a little there are yellow-orange colored monitors, cool, you thought, your world’s technology was below this Nueva York’s tech. There on the platform was a man’s back, broad shoulders and messy hair.

You are a patient person, but the platform was painfully slow.

Finally, the platform reached the floor, he did not turn around or anything but continued working on his devices.

“So this is the spider person you are talking about, Gwen?” he spoke with a husky voice. His attention was still on the screens, dragging his fingers on them as he spoke with Gwen.

“Yeah, they’re from Earth-14215. When I came there, they already took care of the anomaly.”

With a blink he was already in front of you, his body looming over you like a vulture. If you were not intimidated by him, you would admire the structure of his face—everything about him.

His eyes rounded on you, inspecting you like you were prey. There was something bugging you, he felt…something that you could not comprehend.

His intense stare at you made you feel like you needed to remove your mask, so you did. Your hair looked perfectly fine even though you wore a tight mask. Looking at him with a toothy grin, “Hi, nice to meet you.”

At a moment you saw a glimpse of Miguel’s face in shock before turning his back at you. Did you scare him? Or maybe disappoint him? You sure hope not. You watched him walking back to his monitor, he called for someone named Lyla, in which in response a yellow woman appeared in thin air. He spoke to her, though you could not hear them talking.

Not knowing what to do, you turned to Gwen in which she just shrugged—not expecting the lack of emotion from Miguel. You walked towards Hobie and sat next to him, still amazed at him and all of those inconsistent art he has, he did tell you he does not believe in consistency.

You and Hobie started talking to each other, Gwen butting in afterwards. Hobie started talking about the consequence of industrial revolution, him not liking the prime minister—whom you do not know, another consequence about capitalism and it went on and on.

“Hey,” Miguel called, the three of you looking at him at the same time, “No—no the new one.”

You stood up and walked towards him, he tossed you something. You caught it, it looks like a watch of some sorts, similar to Gwen and Hobie and the other spider people have.

“That’s a goober—”

“A gizmo.” Lyla interrupted

“Whatever,” he tries to shoo the AI away from him but Lyla glitches to another place away from him, “that gadget gives you the ability to jump to a different universe. That’s it, I’ll give you instructions for your first mission…Welcome to the club.” he stared at you for a while, a kind of longing feeling from him vibed out you just shrugged it.

“Thanks!...Boss?”

He shook his head, then walked away from you, “Don’t call me that, it’s weird.”

“Huh, alright then. I’ll call you Miguel if that is fine with you.”

He did not respond.

Not bothered by his lack of response, you ran back to Gwen and Hobie, waving the ‘goober’ in your hand. Gwen smiled whilst Hobie greeted you ‘welcome to the spidey club’, it was never really your intention to join but it seems that you got in.

You’ll wait for the first mission Miguel will send you.

#miguel o'hara x reader #miguel x reader #spiderverse #ATSV

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waitmyturtles · 2 months

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Dead Friend Forever: I managed to catch up in time to watch the finale, and here are my immediate, uneducated, "holy shit" thoughts

First off: I acknowledge I am an utter interloper on this tag, having written exactly zero meta words about this mostly great show. Second: everything I know about slashers comes from my childhood memories of "Scream," and my recent conversations with the lovelies @lurkingshan and @neuroticbookworm. So I'm not an expert here. Thirdly! I was inspired in part by them to watch this, and also by the friendies who jumped into comments on my recent KinnPorsche liveblog watches for my Old GMMTV Challenge project. I've been waiting these past few weeks to finish Dead Friend Forever before putting pen to paper on my KP rewatch thoughts, because I thought Be On Cloud did something fabulously experimental with DFF as its second major serial drama.

Anyway: all of this is to say that now that DFF is over, in the near future, I'm gonna write a bunch on KP and a bit more on DFF -- but I want to offer just some quick wandering thoughts on DFF now.

I think like many of y'all, I found the tone of the last PheeJin moments to be discordant with the tenor of the rest of the finale episode. The way I'm calculating this, as I'm sure many of you are, is that I think there was a commentary on fate and Buddhist purgatory, particularly with New/Tan being able to hear from a thankful Non one more time before New's passing. New suffers, it seems to me, the least painful death, and I think that was in part Non’s doing.

In order to conclude the tone on PheeJin, I do wish that we would have seen a flashback back to PheeJin at the house. I guess we’d assume that Phee and Jin never regained their consciousness, that the antidote didn’t work, and that their cyclical fate would be returning back to the lakeshore, only to be haunted by Non again. While it seems to me that Tee, in whatever realm of fate they ended up in, got his appropriate ending — I don’t think that the PheeJin cyclical ending at the lakeshore assigned enough “blame” of fate to either of them, especially Jin. I know @lurkingshan notes that that’s a nod to the need to appease any hopes of surviving ships, and I agree with that assessment. But also — god, BLEH, they sucked, we were left with PheeJin?! JIN??? My boy White, my bubbala, he’s the good one that got really in-your-face off-ed? Wah. (But I do see and understand why White needed to die, to make Tee’s residual fate the utter living hell he deserves.)

Like I said: on a more macro note, I’m gonna have thoughts about DFF, Be On Cloud, and KP in the coming days, because I just like that BOC is dabbling with some experimental writing while allowing solid acting to really shine. (And I compare that to what’s happening at Idol Factory and the recent writing miss that was The Sign.) I wish the ending wasn’t as milquetoast as it was, but BOC still traffics in BLs, and I guess they felt they needed to throw the fans some kind of BL bone (huh huh).

But overall? I am REALLY GLAD I watched this, and it absolutely belongs on the OGMMTVC syllabus. This was incredibly new for the Thai BL genre, and I gotta give BOC — AND ESPECIALLY BARCODE AND TA, WOW — their flowers for taking Thai BL into this new direction. For the most part of this run, I had a great time with this show, as brutal as the content was.

#dead friend forever #dead friend forever meta #dead friend forever the series #dff the series #barcode tinnasit #ta nannakun #sammon

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oreharuuu · 1 year

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To be One (3)

Summary: Avoiding the game went well for you for a few days. But a talk with a friend might change that decision for the better or worst

Warnings: none

A/N: woop woop! Part 3 y'all, hope you like it! I had fun writing this chapter so it's longer than usual. A few of the accounts i can't tag for some reason so im really sorry T-T

Tag list:

@atinytinaa @hoeranghae1117 @yoongiigolden @canadagoose-monbebe @hwal0v3r @kirooz @dream-in-progress @cara-18 @tr3asureyou @babygurl-hoshi @svn-ways2hvn @kpoplover17 @drunk-on-hwa @stopeatread @starillusion13 @honeyymon @potatoe-life @callmesoltera @kuleo26 @lino-se @darkfairy102190 @seongwin

For the past few days, you're trying your best on ignoring the game with work and socializing. Sure you may not be the most social person ever, but you do have friends.

At the end of the week, Irene and Seulgi invited you to brunch near their workplace. Wendy and Joy were too busy so it's only you three.

The anomaly however was Yeri didn't show up.

Hell she didn't even reply to your message when the incident with Hwayoung happened.

You debated whether or not to ask Irene or Seulgi, but your curiosity won over as you cleared your throat before looking at the two.

"So," You started. "Have you guys seen Yeri? Or... talked with her?"

Irene chewed on her croissant as she shook her head, while Seulgi frowned. "Yeri? No updates on her, but Wendy did say that she's busy with work right now so it's probably why she hasn't been active on social media."

"Or replying to your texts," Irene continued. "I invited her to join me for dinner a few days ago but no answer. So she must be really busy."

"Yeah. Probably because of the new game her company's about to launch."

"Give her some space," Seulgi shrugged. "She's always like this when she's in the zone. Remember last time when she blew up on Joy when she spammed her during a meeting."

You grimaced at the memory, remembering how big the fight was that it made Joy and Yeri didn't talk for a month.

"Believe me, I do not want to relieve that experience," Irene sighed.

Soon the conversation shifted from Yeri, from work to relationship problems; you're glad it's taking your mind off the game and Yeri for a while. Irene said goodbyes first when her manager called her, cursing under her breath making you both laugh in amusement. Seulgi left after an hour, promising to take you and Yeri out for drinks when you all have the time.

Walking back to your apartment, you bought some snacks to eat when you're working. Thankfully the project did wonders to your company, so you're only working light tasks with your coworkers whilst waiting for an update from your supervisor.

"—Yeah! And then she stupidly asked me if I still love her?! Ugh, as if!"

You laughed at what your coworker, Yeonjun, outbursts along with another one, Soobin. Both were also in your team when developing the project, and you got along pretty well so sometimes you liked to call them or have zoom meetings together to spend some time.

"Hmm, told you she was delulu. It's like she's in her own fantasy land that she created," Soobin hums as typing could be heard from his side.

"Yeah," You agreed. "Remember when she visited our work to state she's the new intern? Holy shit was that a fiasco."

Soobin laughed even louder as Yeonjun could only groan. "Man, how could I forget that? Supervisor Kim blasted my ear from having him yell at me for hours."

"Not hours," You and Soobin replied together. "It's only like, five minutes," Soobin continued.

"Felt like hours," He grumbled.

Doing your work whilst talking to them made the bad thoughts go away, especially one residing on the corner of your computer, but you ignored it. What you can't ignore is how your computer likes to glitch and freeze when you're working.

Well, not your computer perse, but the programs you're currently running likes to have problems when before that it's totally fine.

"What the—Are you kidding me?" You hissed as Photoshop didn't respond, making you groan as you slumped down on your chair.

"What? What's wrong?"

"My Photoshop is acting up," You whined.

"Ha! What're you doing on Photoshop anyway?"

"Making your ass even more uglier," You grumbled towards Yeonjun, who squaked in offense.

"Awesome. Can you send that to me after you finished it?" Soobin asked as the both of you ignored Yeonjun's yelling.

"Sure. Maybe I'll finish it today since I've finished my part of the work."

"Wait!" Yeonjun yelled. "You're finished making the poster and banner? You've already sent it to Supervisor Kim?"

"Yup, a few hours ago. So relieved I actually finished it since my computer has been fighting me the whole time."

"Soobin! How about you?"

"Actually thanks for reminding me to email my work."

"Am I the only one who hasn't finished yet in the team?" Yeonjun gasped dramatically.

You hum teasingly, before remembering that he was the only one not finished yet. "Actually, yeah. Eunchae and Chaewon finished theirs already."

"Fuck!"

"Honestly, Yeonjun," Soobin teased. "We're only supposed to make posters and banners ideas for the next event. It's easy."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Just say that I'm lazy and—"

Crackling noise from your headphones cut Yeonjun off, making you frown in confusion before clicking back at the call, noticing how it's still going but their voices have disappeared.

"Guys? Hello?"

No answer.

You shrugged before ending the call, whipping out your phone before texting both of them.

You: heyyoo seems like we got disconnected

Soobin: ???

Soobin: wdym

Yeonjun: (name) you're still on the call

You're heart dropped, tension started to rise in your body as you scrambled to text them back.

You: what?? I literally disconnected from the call like a minute ago

Yeonjun: well i mean...could be a lag? You're not talking

Soobin: let's just end the call

Soobin: wanna call again?

You huffed, glancing back at your computer. Shaking your head, you decided to decline his offer, stating that you need to check your computer first if you want it to work properly.

Yeonjun: aight, update us

Soobin: yeah and send me that picture of yeonjun

Yeonjun: TRAITOR

You let out a small smile, sighing in relief because of their antics. You decided to restart your computer, of course after you saved the photoshopped image of Yeonjun. After it turned on, you checked numerous times if it's starting to lag or freeze as you open websites, tabs, or even applications.

Humming happily when you found none, you're startled when a call from Yeri rang from your phone. But the call ended before you could answer, making you stare at your phone in confusion. A text from Yeri seemed concerning enough for you to accept her offer.

Yeri <3: hey

Yeri <3: sorry for not answering

Yeri <3: can we call rn?

You sighed heavily at the reply, your heart easing at knowing that Yeri's actually alive and not dead in a ditch somewhere. Well, that's a hyperbole but you can't help but feel like that when your friends disappeared from the face of the earth.

Waiting for the call to load, you anxiously bit your lip as you waited for her. When Yeri's icon appeared, you quickly turned on your camera, waving sheepishly as you smiled.

"Hey—uh, do you mind turning on your cam? If you don't want to, that's fine! No pressure."

You're only met with silence, but you waited patiently for Yeri to answer.

"Yeah, hold on."

Shuffling could be heard from Yeri's end, before you heard Yeri move around stuff around her desk. She did had a lot of clutter, but the sounds coming from the call seems excessive. You frown hearing plastic water bottles and what you assume to be cans of energy drink fell down, making Yeri curse loudly.

Yeri finally turned on her camera but you realized why she's so hesitant on turning it on in the first place. It's dark in her room, the only light present is from her own computer.

Boy, did she look like a wreck.

Eyebags deep enough to give a hint that she didn't slept for almost a week, hair disheveled like she didn't brush it everyday, her room being a mess like a bomb was dropped.

"Yeri," You whispered. "What happened?"

Yeri looked away as she bit on her thumb, shaking her head as she sniffed. Her eyes glisten with tears as she gasped before looking back at the camera. "I—I tried, I'm working on the game. Alone! My team disappeared when I needed them, and now they're gone!"

You're eyes widen, jaw slack as confusion started to plague your mind. "Disappear? Like, Johnny?"

"Yes! I don't—I don't know where they are right now. I've tried texting them, I've called them, zero! Zero answers! The company's launching an investigation about where my team went, why I'm the only one left!"

You flinched at her voice, sounding loud and angry yet so small. It's obvious it's taken a toll on her, yet you can't do anything except listen to her and try to support her in the best way you can.

"And get this," Yeri laughed maniacally. "The company still wants to me work on the game, alone! Can you fucking believe that shit? They're trying to find people who wants to work on the game but noo they're too busy gossiping about how Yeri's a whore, Yeri's a bitch! We can't work with her because she's too difficult!"

You frowned, yet confused at what she's saying. Yeri seems happy working there, everytime you went out for lunch or dinner she always praises how her company is so good and caring towards their employees, that even Wendy and Seulgi are complaining about how unfair it is.

"Yeri? Hey, what do you mean by that?" You asked gently, trying to calm her down as she's only one second from a mental breakdown. That seems to shut her up, her mouth agape yet no voice comes out, before she's quickly wiping her tears away. You sighed before leaning back on your chair, deciding to not push Yeri further out of her comfort zone. It seems like she's having a hard time, but you don't want to force her.

"No—no, forget about that. Let's just talk, I need your help."

"My help?"

Yeri nodded. "I need you to continue to play the demo game, (name)."

Your heart dropped to the ground, coughing to hide your uneasiness from Yeri. You did sent her the list of glitches, even so far as telling her you don't want to continue playing the game after the last incident. But now you're conflicted.

"I—I know you're hesitant to play it, but I've tried to fix the game as best as I can! Your feedback is actually helping me make things right, and I'm really grateful. But now that I'm the only one working on the game, I can't talk to others people about it to make it good."

Man, she really does know how to pull your heartstrings.

"So...can you play it again, (name)?"

You glanced nervously at Yeri, playing with your fingers as you're having a debate inside your head on what to do.

"Can't you just...send the demo to Wendy or Seulgi? I'm sure they'll be happy to play it. I mean more feedbacks are better, right?" You offered.

Yeri shook her head adamantly, her shoulders tense as she continued. "No! I can't, if the company knows I'm giving the demo to people then I'll be fired. It's supposed to be confidential and I broke the agreement when I gave you that demo."

You groaned, holding your head between your hands. Of course it's not that easy, you didn't even think about the consequences you'll receive when playing a game that's not even released yet. Taking a deep breath, you looked at Yeri before nodding.

"Alright, I'll do it."

You're hoping the game isn't so bad after she fixed it.

♡

Pacing around in your room was not a good thing to do, especially to ease your nerves before playing that damn game. It's already loaded, the cutesy theme song playing in the background as you're having a breakdown before you play it. Yeonjun and Soobin invited you to go have drinks together, but you lied, saying you were busy hanging out with your family.

You felt bad, seeing as they're actually close to you now, but they reassured you that you could always join them on their nightly movie nights next Friday.

You took a mental note, wanting to actually join them because everyone seemed busy with work and other things.

"Okay!" You yelled loudly, punching the air repeatedly before sitting down, clicking the start button as the game loads. "I can do this! I'm not a pussy!"

Day 3

"Shit, it's only day three?!" You hissed.

Not having any time to complain, the game loads you to your dorm, reminding you to take classes to earn more coins and items. Everything seems...fine. Then again, you just started the game, so you're expecting a jumpscare midway playing the game.

Cautiously clicking from classroom to classroom, the task of doing mini games kinda made you relaxed. You're still tense, waiting for Hwayoung specifically to jump and surprise you.

But that didn't happen.

Instead, you're greeted with a new face, well two exactly.

A boy so tall that he could rival Mingi's or Yunho's height, with slicked back brown hair and an easygoing smile. Next to him is a girl you thought is an AI character, straight long black hair with a beauty mark under her mouth.

"Hey, fresh meat!"

The boy's deep voice boomed through your speaker, making you wince as you turned down the volume.

"Did you see a cat nearby? White with black spots and a purple collar?"

You, of course, wanted answered no. Thinking an option will show up, you're surprised the text box from Yunho's encounter popped up, making your hands hover on top of your keyboard instantly to type a response.

No, sorry. I didn't see any cat, just got here |

"Damn, good luck finding it, Karina."

"Oh shut up, Johnny!"

Johnny? Named after Yeri's friend who disappeared? You push the thought away, thinking of it as a coincidence. You've never even see the guy, why act so worried?

"Really sorry to bother you. My name is Karina, this is Johnny. If you see a cat with the same description please call us! We can't let the principal know."

No worries, but why can't the principal know? |

"Because the principal is a loser who doesn't like animals, so he'll call animal control to solve the problem."

"Johnny! Shut up or Seonghwa and Hongjoong will hear you!"

You hummed, curious as to why both of them are mentioned.

Why so scared? I think Seonghwa and Hongjoong are nice people |

"Oh, no one's denying that they're nice. They're just...very strict around what to do here."

"Rules are rules, and for them everyone has to follow it. If not you'll end up like—"

Johnny didn't get to finish his sentence before the game glitches out again, making both of them freeze as Johnny's voice paused every now and then. You anticipated this, trying to hope that nothing scary happened. Thankfully nothing did, as Johnny only continued as if nothing happened. Like his dialogue was cut.

"—Yeah, good guys. But really scary when someone's not up to standards. Well their standards."

You could see Karina rolling her eyes, making you giggle at their cute interaction.

"Whatever. It's nice meeting you, new kid. If you ever want to hangout with us, find us at the club rooms."

Sure! I'll be happy to come by |

"Great! Bye then, (name)."

"Peace out!"

There's the feeling of relief bubbling inside you, the interaction between Johnny and Karina made you a bit relaxed to face off any of the boys right now. Heaving a big sigh, you continued to play mini games and looking around the school.

Not encountering any of the boys, you suck up your fear as you debated who to meet first.

"Maybe I'll meet Yeosang first. I haven't seen him after the first encounter."

Confused as to which place you're visiting first, you picked the library, seeing as you've never actually visited the location before.

Surprise, surprise, Yeosang was actually already there. Surprisingly enough, he's smiling in your direction.

As if he's been waiting for you.

But you brushed it off as a coincidence. Yeosang's character beamed happily when he sees you, waving his hand as he tried to be quiet.

The scene changed as now you're sitting besides him near the window, the light perfectly illuminating his face, making him even more angelic.

"Hey, haven't seen you in a while. You okay?"

The text box popped up again, making you assume that maybe the system could change after a certain encounter. Changing from options to actually typing out the response. Then again, it's really impressive at how fast and human-like the response from the characters are, sometimes even fast enough to make you believe you're actually talking to a human.

Yeah, just...got busy with personal things |

"Well, that won't do. You're new here, relax for a bit. It's not like you have other stuff occupying your life."

You felt like it's a jab to your own real life, but you shrugged it off.

"Anyway, I realized we haven't spend that much time together. So, I was wondering if you want to stay here with me? I wasn't really studying, just wanted some alone time."

Alone time? Then am I intruding? |

"Nonsense, I'm inviting you right now. So, do you accept?"

Of course you agreed, wanting to increase your relationship with him since his percentage was still pretty low when you started. Maybe you'll meet San after this, remembering how the last time the heart didn't pop up for him.

Sure! I have nothing to do anyway |

For the next few minutes, you and Yeosang talked about vague topics, favorite foods, favorite animals; harmless stuff. But every now and then, you had a feeling that a few of the questions are very...weird and invasive.

"Where do you like to spend time out of school?"

"Have you ever dated before?"

"Do you like to sleep with stuffed animals?"

The last question made you glance at a few of the dolls on your bed, before lying to him since your real life persona should be different than the one inside the game.

"Hmm, interesting."

Was Yeosang's only answer before going back to innocent questions like before. The change of questions made your head dizzy as you're typing out what answers would suffice since you don't want to tell things in your real private life.

Yeosang stopped talking after the thirtieth question, seemingly frozen before smiling softly at you. You noticed how his eyes turned blank with no emotions before switching it up in the last second.

"Well, look at the time. I have a meeting with Hongjoong about club developments, so I guess this is goodbye."

No worries, Yeosang. I had a great time with you |

The heart finally popped up on top of his head, you predicting the percentage would at least be more than five percent, but the final number made you tilt your head in confusion.

37%

"Holy shit," You gawked. "From 2% to 37%?! That's wild."

As you're looking directly at the numbers, you didn't notice how Yeosang's eyes shifted away from you, lookinv around as if he could see the room your in. His face still smiling, before his eyes shifted back to you when he noticed you finally snapping out of your daze.

"I'll go now, (name). Goodbye."

With that, Yeosang was gone from the screen, leaving you with an empty screen. Remembering where exactly to meet San, you choose the gym as the next place. The only reason you chose that location is because of how buff he looks under his uniform.

"Can't believe I made that assumption just because of how broad his shoulders are," You grumbled.

Lo and behold, San was actually there. At first you thought he meant the school's gym, as in for sports and other school activities. But your mind is blown away when you notice an actual gym near the school area. And God must be somewhere laughing maniacally to himself as you saw how San is basically drenched in sweat, making the flimsy material of his top clung to his body like a second skin.

"(Name)! Hey, what's up?"

San smiled so brightly that you physically have to look away as if the sun just hits your eyes. "Focus, (name)! Don't be tempted by his cute smile!"

Hi, San! Nothing much, I have nothing to do so I was strolling around. I didn't know there's two gym's, what's up with that? |

"Oh! Yeah, I guess the school wanted to blow some of the money that they have, plus a lot of the students here wanted a real gym of sorts."

Still, pretty fancy for a school to have like two gyms |

"Yeah, I guess you could say that."

Time passed as you continued to have a conversation with San, having a great time as he's always so energetic and fun to be around with. Suddenly remembering of the items you have in your inventory, you decided to use it to San since the heart didn't pop up for him.

Hey, San! I have a gift for you |

It seems like San didn't expect you to say that to him, as his face turned bright red before he smiled sheepishly.

"A gift? You didn't have too!"

You clicked on your inventory, deciding on the cute teddy bear you got on your first day. Dragging the item from your bag, you placed it on San's character, resulting in him smiling widely as he now holds the teddy bear in his hands.

"A teddy bear! How cute, it even has a little bow. Thank you so much, (name)."

Suddenly the heart popped up, squinting your eyes to look closely as the percentage was shown to you.

58%

You let out a shocked laughter. "Damn, I didn't know the items were that helpful." You're conflicted whether or not the items were actually helping that much, or it's just the glitch happening again. In the end, your objective to raise your relationship status with San was already done.

"Um, (name)? Even though you're new here, I feel like you're perfect here. Like...you're the missing puzzle piece."

Weird thing to say after receiving a gift, but you'll go with it.

Come on, I'm not that important for you to call me a missing puzzle piece |

You noticed the pout on San's face, yet you saw how his face darkens for a second, as if your words annoyed him.

"Don't say that! A lot of us say that you're perfect! Even though you feel so far away, there's always a chance you'll be much, much closer to us."

"And it's starting," You groaned. Did the creepy dialogue really had to be amped up after Yeosang? It's as if the game knows these things scare and annoy you at the same time. But curiosity did peek out of your mind, wanting to know why exactly San phrased it that way.

What do you mean far? I'm right here |

"You know what I mean, (name)."

No? I really don't, it's like your saying I'm not physically here when I am |

"It's...complicated. I'm not supposed to even talk to you about this or Hongjoong will get mad. Just know that we're always here for you, and I really do hope in the future, we could be together."

You really do wanted his words to affect you as much as he intended too, but you're still creeped out by his choice of words that you can't help but grimace at the thought. There's a frown on your face as you noticed San looking quiet sad, almost changing from his hopeful expression.

What's wrong? |

"Nothing—just that, you seemed hesitant to be here with us."

Your frown deepened when he said that, as if he could look through your computer screen to see the facial expressions you pull. You glanced away for a while, head disappearing yet your eyes are still looking at him.

You might be hallucinating, but you really thought San's eyes seems to follow your every move, his eyes now off to the side where you disappeared. He's still standing like usual, but you noticed how his eyes are silently trained onto you.

Creepy.

Suddenly, you wanted to prove a theory that just popped up inside your head, actually thinking you're slowly loosing your mind over this game.

You silently grabbed your phone, pretending to scroll for a few seconds as you discreetly tried to look back and forth between San and your phone. Nothing suspicious happens, just that San's pout deepened as seconds passed by.

You needed proof. Especially considering what Yeosang said to you earlier.

You pressed Soobin's phone number, turning it on speaker as you waited. You acted nonchalant, tapping your fingers on the table whilst you still glanced at the screen. San's pout was gone, only replaced by a confused stare as he stands there.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Soobin! What's up?"

"Eh, not much. Why you callin?"

"Actually," You moved away, now sitting on your bed. "I wanted to invite you guys to my apartment! Maybe a movie night, you know?" You continued, voice loud enough so your target could still hear the conversation.

"Really? That would be awesome! I gotta ask Yeonjun first though, I don't know if he has plans or not."

You glanced at your computer screen, noticing San now looks tense and furious as he only stands there, as if he's forced to listen.

The change of emotions are really weird, since you haven't touched the game since your call. But you continued, wanting to see what happens.

"That's alright. We could have movie night next Friday, you could stay at my apartment."

"Ooh, like a sleepover!"

You laughed at his enthusiasm, "Yeah, basically like a sleepover."

The conversation continued on, before Soobin excused himself as he wanted to meet his friend in a few hours. Bidding goodbye, you ended the call, walking to your chair before sitting down.

You hummed to yourself, placing down your phone on the table as you typed your reply.

You're acting really weird, San |

You looked at him, hiding your wince as San's face didn't hold his signature dimpled smile. His eyes holds a certain anger, his jaw clenched in annoyance as his hands turned into fists.

"Why did you do that?"

His voice came out gruff, as if he's holding back a growl coming out of his throat. You decided to play innocent, tilting your head in confusion before typing back.

Do what? I just stood here, talking to you |

"(Name), please, don't do that. It hurts us when you do these kinds of things without thinking about our feelings."

A scoff came out of your mouth before you could stop it, feeling annoyed now.

Jeez, I didn't do anything! What are you guys even talking about? |

"Inviting those—"

You waited and waited for him to continue, but nothing happened. The sounds of crackling came out of your speaker for a few minutes, before it stopped. You saw San's desperate face still on your screen, pursing his lips as he looked away. You're wondering what's going on until Hongjoong appeared, smiling as he now stands next to San.

"Hello there, (name)! Funny meeting you here."

Thought you had a meeting with Yeosang about club developments? |

He seems surprised at how blunt you are, but his smile turned into a smug one as he placed a hand on San's shoulder.

"Ah, that. We're already done talking. Seonghwa is handling it now, so I wanted to grab San for a few minutes to...talk."

You frown, already feeling suspicious about how sudden Hongjoong appeared.

"But, hyung! I was—"

"We need to have a talk, San. The others are already waiting for us."

You grimaced at his tone, already feeling uncomfortable at how scary Hongjoong was now.

You guys should go, I need to meet with a few friends anyway |

"What friends—"

"San!"

You jump in surprise, eyes wide at Hongjoong's outburst. San closed his mouth before glaring at Hongjoong, to which the latter only glared back. They seemed to be having a conversation only with their eyes, the tense silence made you uneasy before it broke when San spoke first.

"Bye, (name)."

Yeah...bye |

In a matter of seconds, both if them disappeared from your screen. You groaned loudly at the headache forming inside your head, massaging your head as you closed your eyes.

"Can't this game be normal for one day?"

You quickly continued on day 3, wanting it to end fast enough so you'll be done for today. When night comes, you hurriedly exited the game, closing it before turning off your computer. You sighed, standing up as you walked out of your room.

"I need a drink."

♡

"The coast is clear," Yunho sighed when he no longer felt your presence inside his body, his posture relaxing a little as he sat next to Mingi. "She's gone now."

"San, you almost crossed the line today."

"Almost? He acted way out of line for her to feel suspicious towards us!" Wooyoung screamed.

"Fuck you," San hissed. "Yeosang started first when he asked stupid questions."

"Oh, believe me, I know. I've already reprimanded him enough," Seonghwa darkly answers, crossing his arms as he stared at San. "Now, it's your turn."

"You all can't blame me!" San yelled, standing up from his seat as he slams the table with enough force. "You all heard her! She's inviting other people, other men, to her home!"

"No one's blaming you, hyung," Jongho sighed. "But we need to act normal after she didn't show up for so long. Do you want that to happen again?"

Jongho was only met with silence from San, who looked away as he shook his head. "No...I don't—we don't need that to happen again. I feel empty without her, I can't stand the emptiness. That's why I had to stop her!"

"We all do," Mingi shrugged. "But we have to be patient, especially if we want our plan to go well."

"I just," San sighed, slumping down to his seat. "I don't want her to be with anyone else besides us. We all felt the connection when her face showed up in our eyes. I want her to be here with us."

"We know, San," Hongjoong sighed. "It's not easy to only be able to watch her this way. So far yet so close. It's torture for only being able to see her for only a few hours, even minutes, for just one day."

"Thank God we're able to access her computer freely now," Wooyoung added. "Not interacting with her was torture. But I know I can't just watch her from a far in the long run, that's why we need to stick to our plan."

"Well, if we want to stick to the plan we can't just pinpoint and blame San here," Yeosang frowned. "All of the other trash needs to act as well."

Mingi and Yunho snorted at the way Wooyoung growled, slapping his back teasingly. "What? Got reminded of Hwayoung?"

"After the little stunt she pulled...I can't even be mad at Wooyoung for killing her," Seonghwa shrugged.

"Fuck her for scaring (name) like that! I can't believe she'll corrupt her own data like that," San growled, Wooyoung nodding along with him.

"Less trash to be bothered though, sounds good to me," Yeosang shrugged.

"We still need to keep an eye out on the new ones," Hongjoong hums, looking at a few folders on the table. The names are written on the cover, Hongjoong opening one of the folders, finding a picture of Hwayoung crossed out with a red marker. "They're a risk, but they were essential on pushing (name) back to playing the game."

"Pushing (name)? More like pushing her friend," Jongho laughed loudly, making the others smirk in union.

"Can't believe at how easy she complied to us."

"More like backstabbing. It's obvious she thinks her life is better than our darling," Yunho answered, the pet name slipping up from him making the others tease him.

"Can you blame her? We targeted her remaining friends," San hums. "Then again, she's really fucking stupid if she thinks we could make contact with anyone if they haven't played the game yet."

"Whatever, we'll deal with her later when our darling comes to our arms," Seonghwa huffed.

"Deal how?" Wooyoung smirked evilly, Mingi snickering alongside Jongho as they discussed the best way to torture said girl.

Seonghwa shrugged, yet the corners of his mouth are pulled into a maniac smile. "We'll see later. She's trash anyways compared to our darling."

#ateez #ateez imagines #ateez x reader #poly ateez x reader #yandere ateez #yandere

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toastytoaster22 · 4 months

Text

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @wingsonghalo

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

47!

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count?

753,979 holy shit

3. What fandoms do you write for?

These days just Mob Psycho 100, but I have written for Digimon Adventure and Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle as well.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

A little surprised by number 5 here! its such a teeny fic compared to the others.

Issho 2. Break 3. A Mother Muses 4. Socha 5. Stars on My Ceiling

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try! There was a big gap in 2022 where i had a newborn and zero time and energy, but usually I try to get a thank you out to everyone.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I'm the "happy ending guaranteed" author so very few of my fics end sad, but I do have a Digimon fic called Hugs Are Like Vitamins that is an exception to the rule. Very sad ending.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

The end of Issho is probably the most satisfying ending, but I am unsure if its the happiest. Honestly, Stars on My Ceiling is cavity inducing. Effervescent is also painfully sweet. Chapter three of Into Bloom. all of these are pure fluff.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Extremely rarely. It has happened, and I don't engage. Deleted! Goodbye!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

You know, I don't consider Leaps and Bounds smut. Its a fic that has a lot of explicit sex in it, but the story is about learning to be comfortable in the bedroom. If the sex is sexy, that's a bonus hahaha

10. Do you write crossovers?

I haven't yet, but I think about them sometimes...

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge. Here's hoping it stays that way.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Two, I think! Break was translated into Russian by @teawithbread!!! Thanks so much!!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, I think I would be a nightmare to work with actually. I have had people ask and I politely decline.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

I am not very into romance in general, so I have to say TeruMob. They're basically the only ship I care about. I enjoy the idea of TaKari in Digimon but more as soulmates... could be platonic or romantic. They are inseparable no matter what.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

My Never Hopeless sequel, A Dream In The Dark. UGHHHHHHHHH its only on ff.net bc i am so ashamed of dropping a project. I do still have the BINDER i wrote all my notes in though so perhaps when I am 80 I can dig it up and finish it.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Children! Hello! I write realistic children! And connecting readers to memories they forgot they had, apparently. Its a frequent comment topic.

I'm very good at describing hard to describe emotions and I think my pacing is good. I like writing endings that punch you with a final line to tie it all together. I'm a sucker for that shit.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I slow down dialogue with a few too many movement descriptions, I think. I just really like body language aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I am too tired to really think this through. For the most part, seeing as I am writing for shows that are originally in Japanese, I try to keep food names accurate. I try to translate words unless they have no english equivalent like genkan. Foyer or entryway doesn't feel the same? I also tend to keep specific titles in japanese, seeing as they can get awkward or clunky when changed to english equivalents.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

On Ao3 it was Digimon and that's all you're getting out of me.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

I love all my children equally (Issho). But no seriously Break is insanely good and when i have Nightjar finished I will feel like its my new favorite child. Usually its whatever the last thing i wrote was.

UUUUUUUUU Tagging @ygodmyy20 @sodasexual @babovens @and-devi-remains @fizzy-champagne

#toasty writes #thanks for the tag wing!#havent done one of these in a while #mp100 #toasty answers but it wasn't an ask shut up

31 notes · View notes

ejunkiet · 1 year

Text

new instincts

a little more of the dadvid fic hehehehe we’re getting FLUFFY.

redacted audio: davey/angel, rated teen, pregnancy mention.

Of course it would be Asher who clued in first.

READ ON AO3! | part one on tumblr

tag requests: @terrazaurio @interdimensional-chaos

part two: new instincts

Of course it would be Asher who clued in first.

It’s only been a few days since their trip to the doctor’s office, confirming the pregnancy. Just over four weeks. Birth control failures were rare but not unheard of, their doctor had assured them, and the rest of the pregnancy should proceed as normal. Congratulations.

They’d been booked in for their next appointment in a month’s time, and that was that.

The rest of the week had almost felt like a dream. He’d taken a few days off from the office, leaving Asher in charge of running the daily ops while he focused on making plans and settling Angel back at home, even as they teased him about it.

(“It’s still early days, Davey. I’m perfectly able to make my own lunch, thank you very much.”)

It’s late on Friday after work, when Asher comes over to drop off some paperwork, that the secret comes out.

He’d called ahead to say that he’d be coming by - that he had some paperwork that needed David’s signature, that couldn’t wait until next week. He’d been late, but that also hadn’t been unexpected - he always was, unless it was a work event.

But then he'd taken one look at them, his head tilted to the side and nostrils flaring as he inhaled, before his eyes had widened and he’d nearly dropped the messenger bag he was carrying.

“Holy shit.”

A low growl rises from David’s throat before he can bite it back, his mate’s fingers twitching against their side as their eyes widen in turn. He can hear the skip of their heartbeat, their weight shifting from foot-to-foot before they release a snort.

“It’s that obvious?”

They lean into David and he shifts until they can fit more snugly against his side, his arm finding their waist as he resists the urge to flash his teeth at his beta. There’s an aggression in him that he’s not used to, his protective instincts rearing to the surface with Asher’s proximity to his mate.

It didn’t make any sense. This was his pack, his family. But the knowledge doesn’t satisfy his wolf, and it lingers just below the surface of his skin, the same way it had the rest of the week.

“David.” He blinks, glancing down to find his mate looking up at him expectantly, an amused smile playing on their lips, as if it’s not the first time they’ve called his name. “Why don’t we let him in? We can talk about this more inside.”

Right. Releasing a breath, he steps back, catching his beta’s eye. “You heard them. In.”

–

“So. What gave it away?”

Ash offers them a grin from where he’s perched on the far end of the sofa, all long limbs and sharp elbows, a hand running through the wild tangles of his hair.

“David. He smells all…” He trails off, his expression turning contemplative, before he shrugs, as if he can’t find a word for it. “It’s instinct. I can sense it. Probably could even if he wasn’t projecting like a grumpy papa wolf.”

David does flash his teeth this time and Asher snorts, raising both hands. “Look, it’s natural. I saw the same thing with my cousins. My dad’s brother, he got all kinds of territorial before he got his instincts back under control.”

Territorial. The pieces click into place, and shit.

David doesn’t lose control. Not like this. He can’t afford to, not in his role as alpha, and especially not at the expense of his pack. His mate feels him tense up - they’re too close not to - and they squeeze his hand, the contact grounding against the rising tide of guilt.

Asher notices the shift too, his brow creasing with confusion, before it clicks. “David- it’s natural. Something that everyone goes through.”

He takes a breath and holds it, feeling the weight of their eyes on him as he regains control of himself. “I’ll handle it.”

Asher’s still watching him, a twist to the soft curve of his mouth, before he nods. “Whatever you say, big guy.” His attention shifts to his mate then, and he offers them a grin. “How long have you known?”

They match his grin with one of their own, and the tension in the room eases. “Not long. We got it confirmed earlier this week.”

“It has been a long time since there’s been a new cub in the pack…” Asher’s eyes narrow in thought, focused on the floor where his socks clash terribly with the carpet beneath the coffee table, but he doesn’t miss the way Angel reacts to the moniker, flashing them a grin. “Cute, right?”

“Does this mean we’ll need to deck out the whole family in baseball gear?”

Asher snorts once, twice, before he doubles over with laughter, shaking so hard that he almost falls off the end of the couch. David drops his head into his hands, silently asking what he’d done to deserve this as he resists the urge to groan.

Angel sits through it all with a smug smile on their face, looking pleased with themself, and with a low growl, he tugs them closer, wrapping his arm snug around them until they’re pressed against his side.

When Ash can breathe again, he shakes his head. “Never change, little boss.”

Glancing at the clock, he pushes to his feet, offering them a crooked grin. “Looks like I’m out of time. I just wanted to drop off the paperwork and check in.”

“Ash.” David’s voice is a low warning as he makes to leave, but he waves him off.

“I won’t be telling anyone, big guy. Well. Except for my mate, that is.” David releases a low snort, some of the tension in him easing. Ash knew how to keep a secret, when it mattered. “But David… when it comes to the next pack meeting, you know that the rest of them will be able to tell, right?”

His tone is still light, but there’s a seriousness in his expression that he doesn’t show often as he glances at David, a wry smile on his lips.

David releases a slow breath, not missing the way his mate’s hand slips to his side, settling against his hip and squeezing. “I know.”

“Good.” He nods, before grinning again, bright enough to flash his teeth, the tension of the moment dissipating as quickly as it had come. “Keep us updated? Let us know if you need to push anything, we’d be cool with that.”

“We’ll do that,” Angel agrees, matching his grin easily. “Thanks, Ash.”

“Anytime.” He waves two of his fingers in a cheerful salute, his grin as wide as anything, before he heads towards the front door. “Take it easy, both of you.”

The door clicks shut behind him, leaving them both in a comfortable silence. It’s always like this after Asher leaves, a moment of calm, steady quiet after the hurricane of his presence.

Angel lets out a soft breath, squeezing his side briefly again before shifting back to catch his gaze. There’s a gleam in their eye that he recognises, one that promises trouble.

“So. Wolves prefer baseball to basketball, then?”

#redacted audio #redacted asmr #ej writes redacted #redacted david #davey/angel #pregnancy mention #there is at least one more part to this hehehe #writing

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worm-brainzz · 3 months

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"My name is Regina George Wilbur, and in case you're keeping score, Cady Candyyz may have won the battle but I will win the war."

-Taylor Louderman, Mean Girls Original Broadway Cast Recording, "World Burn".

Hello!! I'm will! Heres an intro post to get to know me :D

basic stuff:

names: xander/wilbur/crow/icarus (and any nickname you come up w/

pronouns: he/they/it/meow/vamp/star/angel/silly/heart/kitty

gender: vampcatgender, angelstar, sillygender, angeliwhore, mikucharic, argoscharic, mrplantcharic, heartfloweric, starrycattic, guitarvampic, crazymusicgender (MANY MANY XENOS. HOUGH BOY.)

sexuality: achillean

age: 13 hourgh

i have generalised anxiety disorder and autism. please be nice. im begging.

i also have the worst spine problems known to man (exaggeration)

DNI: CREEPS (P3D0S, MAPS/MAP SUPPORTERS AND Z00PHIL3S/Z00 SUPPORTERS), AND ANYONE PART OF A HATE GROUP. HATRED TOWARDS COMMUNITIES SUCH AS THE POC, LGBTQIA+ AND MANY OTHERS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED ON MY BLOG. WHETHER THAT BE MAIN OR SIDEBLOGS. PRINCE DNI TOO BTW.

(EDIT: i took starry, divine and pax out cuz i wanna stop worrying abt the situation. happy emoji)

(EDIT 2 FOR TODAY HOLY.: added prince to the dni list cuz of personal stuff :3)

accounts:

discord: worm.brainzz

wattpad: mercuryheartss

insta: p0is0n.appl3 (wont let me change it)

bandlab: mxrcuryheartss

medibang/art street: worm.brainzz

youtube: worm.brainzz

fandoms/interests:

ashur gharavi cinematic universe

vocaloid

project sekai

project diva

hazbin hotel

lacey flash games

village roadshow themeparks

doki doki literature club

nyan neko sugar girls

aussie world (theme park)

psas

pretty dresses hehe (as in like. princess shit. yk.)

sammy j and randy on ricketts lane

music taste:

muse

franz ferdinand

kikuo

maretu

ghost & pals

utsu-p

babymetal

whiteflame/kurousaP

pinocchioP

deco*27

tally hall

rishie-p

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. GET HIT BY MY LOVE AND APPRECIATION BEAM.🧡🧡🧡

@cloudxxiii @bi-squirrel @poisoned-sugar11 @aroace-polysho @devilish-parrot @statictelevision @reinagony @m0nst3rgunxz @voidbeau @machathecat @ang31ey3s-d3mons3edz. ACK /POS.

blogs/tags:

blogs:

active: @worm-brainzz @ask-angel-argos, @wormbrainzz-reblogs

inactive: @v0idbr34d, @larva-heartzz

tags:

#explosion_sound_effect.mp3: txt

#worm making theories??? rare occurence???: one of the only times i will ever make theories

#mega worm brainrot: talking abt stuff that wont get out of my head

#queue could be my unintended choice to live my life extended: queue

#will's inbox: my asks

WILL UPDATE IF IM WILLING TO PUT NEW INFO IN.

#intro post #explosion_sound_effect.mp3

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stevenose · 11 months

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Okay so I have so many thots about piss kink with Steve. You would bring it up first cause lbr he would have no idea its a thing. Really you want to see him hold it in but you offer to hold it for him first to ease him into it. You drink a ton of water and it's not too soon you're begging him to let you go, and he's confused about how he's feeling but he sees how wet your panties are (and not from piss) and he definitely realizes that he's into it, especially when he fucks you with a full bladder

this post contains piss boy! be advised! if you do not want to see these posts, block the tag ‘cw bodily fluids’.

also contains: reader with a vagina; first time kinks; sweetheart steve harrington!

no you’re so real…

any of my besties who have touched themselves while their bladder is full know it feels better. (and if u haven’t tried it i recommend it like genuinely. kind of game changing ngl)

so imagine steve’s fucking you and you’re all teary eyed and desperate. every thrust is making it harder for you to hold it, and his thumb’s working rough against your clit. he’s so confused - you’re so fucking pretty under him and god, you’re crying, you’re gripping onto his cock like a fucking vice. trying to hold your piss in, it’s making you clench up, and he half gasps, half moans as he fucks you. “d’you have to go?” he asks, eyes half-lidded.

you love him so so much. you love that he’s always checking in on you. and you even love his earnestness, his inability to understand what you want from him. “that’s the point,” you whine. there’s towels on towels on towels under your ass, even a piece of a plastic tarp you had from an old project. you’re supposed to piss. you’ve requested specifically that he ramps up his efforts when you’re getting close so that you can do it right as you cum. he’s fine with it, got a little hot and bothered thinking of how wet and messy it’ll be, how hot it’ll be. most confusing boner of his life.

“right,” he says, thrusts faster and harsher, making the need to go more pronounced. you whine again, gripping onto his shoulders. “oh, that feel good?”

you nod and grab one of his big hands, pausing before you place it right over your bladder, begging up at him with doe eyes. he pauses, then pushes down, and when you keen his eyes go cross.

“fuck!” you cry, writhing. your thighs are on either side of steve’s hips but you still try to close them together, his other hand still working on your clit.

“yeah?” he asks, pace becoming erratic. “you wanna go? huh?”

“holy -“ you gasp, and he pushes down again, a little less hard but keeping steady pressure. “steve! sh-fuck, please please please, gotta - please let me go-“

your tears are so so pretty. steve’s never seen you beg like this before, like your life depended on it. “go on,” he insists, fucking you rough. “piss on my cock, honey.”

it’s a lot harder than you’d think - the actual pissing part. he’s practically pushing it out of you, but your body - your subconscious - refuses to let it out in this new environment. steve sees you struggling, feels you staying right on the brink for him, and in one fluid motion he presses down just right to get you to cum and let go on him.

“oh my god,” he gasps, the hot wetness of it dripping down his cock, to his balls, then onto the towels below. he watches your face while your cunt seizes and relaxes, more covering him after your orgasm is finished. you seem so blissed out after, a smile on your tear-stained face, body relaxed and so pretty under him. like an angel. he gasps and groans as he cums, burying himself balls deep, gasping at how wet you are. so fucking wet - it drives him crazy. he leans down to catch your lips and you giggle, shaking under him.

“holy shit,” he groans, pressing his forehead against yours while he indulges in a few final, shallow thrusts.

“yeah,” you pant. “was it…?”

“good? you kiddin’ me?” he kisses you again. “hottest fucking thing i’ve ever seen or felt.”

you nod happily, but it’s a bit short lived, the wet towels under you killing the mood. “okay - let’s get cleaned up and make sure i didn’t fuck up the mattress.”

“i’ll run the shower,” he says, voice nice and sweet, sliding out of you with an obscenely slick noise that almost gets you both off again.

“what? you don’t like it when it’s on the towels?”

“i’ll take your pussy over a towel any day, thank you.”

#cw bodily fluids #stevenose posts #ns/fw #steve x reader

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aerodaltonimperial · 5 months

Text

✨Fic Writing Review 2023✨

Tagged by @rosabellebelieve and oh girl. Ain't nobody ready for these stats LOL. Uh oh. Also, I've removed all collab fics for purposes of this, as it doesn't really seem fair since I only wrote, like, half of them lmao.

Words and Fics

268,626 words in 2023 (mother of god)

52 fics on AO3 (dear christ)

I'm not even counting Tumblr ficlets, oh god, don't make me

Top 5 Pairings

💚🖤Jack/Darby (24) (NUMBER ONE???? how tho)

🧡🖤Hook/Danhausen (23)

💚🧡Jack/Hook (5)

🔮🍑Julia/Anna (4)

🧡🎤Max Caster/Hook (3) & 🧡🍊Orange/Hook (3) (HAHAHAHAHA)

Top 5 by kudos

i found love where it wasn't supposed to be (right in front of me) [Hookhausen]

man of lesser words [Hookhausen]

don't need a cure for love [Orange/Hook]

baby please (would you read my eulogy) [JungleCorpse]

you're the realest thing i've never had to fake [Hookhausen]

Top 5 by hits

baby please (would you read my eulogy) [JungleCorpse]

i found love where it wasn't supposed to be (right in front of me) [Hookhausen]

now you know how i feel [Hookhausen]

Weekend in Fresno: or, a Hook choose your own dating adventure [Hook/everyone]

threat level: euclid [HH, JC, SP]

Fandom Events in 2023

I made it to a wrestling show! Since they never go near me and my life is what it is, I really can't manage more than one a year, and I've got to be lucky to get that to work, but this was a big deal and I'm so happy that I could make it happen!

ALSO I MADE UP A FUCKING PAIRING AND GOT IT TO THE #1 FOR BOTH PARTIES INVOLVED you know what this counts as an event LMAOOOOO i'm thinking no one should actually have this power

Upcoming Projects

If I ever stop bemoaning my perceived lack of skill, I've got 2/3 of a fic that Vamp prompted dialogue for, largely me writing something fluffy and saccharine because she was trying to write smut and we were both trying to write out of our wheelhouses lol

Writing reflection

Well! 2023 was quite a year, honestly. I was going to be like OH HOLY SHIT about my word count but when I took our collabs, it dropped so fast, so that's good, I guess (???). I'm still so happy I discovered wrestling, because it's been easily 12 years since I had this amount of creativity for a single fandom. And this year I really stretched out and started writing new stuff within the wrestling fandom! That's exciting (depending what you followed me for, I suppose LOL).

But more than anything else, this year I looked at what I wanted to write and said, FUCK IT, I'M WRITING IT. And I started dropping horror shit I fully expected that no one would read, because I didn't think people came to fandom for spooky stuff??? And lo and behold, y'all really showed up for those fics! I'm forever grateful you saw me writing absolutely batshit horror and were like yes, Katy, we will also read this creepfest. So much love.

I also tried to write more smut, which I am not particularly adept at, and also some darker themes. I do try to write lighthearted things, haha, but my own mental state has been not stellar, and I think that tends to come out in my fics. And I started writing femslash, which this fandom needs so much more of! So. All in all, a real banger year for me in fandom. I'm pretty proud of a LOT of the fics I wrote this year.

And, obviously, 2023 would not be complete with me mentioning that Vamp and I produced an epic shit ton of words together, and MORE IMPORTANTLY had an absolute blast in doing so. What a whirlwind writing together has been!!! I think we've really gotten to this point of just great flow, and I'm super proud of how we work so well like we do. We DO HAVE SOMETHING ELSE COMING but we've been "planning" it since August and haven't written it yet, so HAHAHA. Anyway. Expect that in 2025, or something. ;)

Rules: Feel free to show whatever stats you have. Only want to show Ao3 stats? Rock on. Want to include some quantitative info instead of stats? Please do this. Want to change how yours is presented? Absolutely do that. Would rather eat glass than do this? Please do eat glass, I’ve heard it’s good for your gums.

Tagging: @whysamwhy123 @meeplanguage @fille-lioncelle and anyone else who wants to take a stab at this!

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goodluckclove · 18 days

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The Archivist no. 1 - Control

so fuck it i'm trying this anyway. here's a long-form, but ultimately singular piece i wrote trying to process the singular Terrible Event of my upbringing. if unaliving stuff is triggering for you now you shouldn't read this.

i'm not going to do this that often because it's nice to work things out in my head but holy shit this was weird to come back to. if someone finds it relatable in that oh hey your shit sucked too and you survived huh?? way i'll get into it again at a later time.

otherwise uh. yeah. enjoy? legit though read the tags before you do this i don't want anyone freaking out.

The Archivist no. 1 – Control

Mom wasn’t sleeping much in the nights before she killed herself. It wasn’t unusual given her rampant insomnia. Dad would pass out in the bedroom, and I would come out of my room at the end of the hall tin the middle of the night and find her watching bad crime dramas and reading the news on her iPad. I didn’t sleep much back then either, I guess.

Sometimes I would sit with her for a while, but the shows didn’t interest me much. Mostly I’d make a joke and continue to the kitchen to grab a snack before going back to my bedroom to keep on writing. I was almost sixteen years old and I had completed two novels that stood, unread, on an elephant’s graveyard of abandoned projects. So it goes.

Near the end of summer I came down with some sort of head cold. I woke up in the middle of the night, feverish and frustrated, and went out into the hall to see if Mom would be awake.

Time flickers and I’m lying on the couch with my head in her lap. She’s stroking my hair. She’s telling me that in the morning we’re going to go out in the mall and she’s going to buy me new pants. I don’t know why she told me that. I don’t know if it was a lie. She solved a lot of problems by shopping for clothes, so it sounded like something she would say. Mom even insisted in a voice that hung quiet in the dark that we would go to Macy’s, a rarity when she only ever bought my wardrobe from Goodwill.

I believed her then because I was a child and I loved my mother. I was sick and I loved my mother. I was looking forward to her buying me new pants.

Did she know then? I don’t know. She’s had two rounds of electroshock therapy since then, so the memory has been thoroughly wiped from her brain. It’s just gone. That moment exists solely in my own recollection, which is barely better than it never existing to begin with.

Later that morning she left saying she had some errands to run. I didn’t think much of it at the time. I had no way to, really, being that they had me on nine hundred milligrams of Seroquel at the time – one hundred more than the recommended dose for an adult man. The mornings left me in a sticky daze and I usually wasn’t able to gain any lucidity until a few hours after I woke up.

Once that happened I felt a little stirred by the circumstances. Mom had errands? What errands? She didn’t do the grocery shopping, she had my brother and I make that trip every week. She didn’t have a job or friends to meet. More than that, her agoraphobia crippled her at times and made leaving the house for anything a feat. But no, she just let for errands and told me that as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

I told myself it was fine.

When I texted her a few hours later she didn’t respond. I called her after that and she didn’t answer. I think I called her a few times.

She didn’t come home at all that day. I remember feeling the dread clinging tight to the top of my rib cage like something toxic just about to drip. It was a feeling I didn’t know how to communicate, and in retrospect I know now that it is a deeply-rooted instinct from my childhood. The warped insight that tells me that, when Mom leaves under mysterious circumstances, or when she leaves after you make her made – she’s going out to drink.

But that couldn’t be it. Mom was sober now and proud of it. She marked her sobriety date as Cino de Mayo and laughed every year at the irony. Mom was sober now. Things were different.

Dad came home from work and I was lingering in the living room, standing guard like an anxious animal. My older brothers were in their bedroom, on their laptops, no knowledge of the panic I was feeling.

Dad greeted me and asked where Mom was. In a voice that mimicked neutrality I said that she left to run errands. He took that with a nod and went to the backyard. I don’t know why he did that – he wasn’t smoking anymore, but by this point he might’ve been using e-cigarettes. Or maybe he was just enjoying the evening air. I just know I was sitting inside the house, very aware that the only other adult I knew was outside, and my mind was racing.

Do I tell him? Should I tell him?

Eventually I opened the sliding glass door and stood in the kitchen until I drew his attention. In my imagination he sees the look on my face and knows that something is wrong. I don’t know if this is true.

“You have to look for Mom,” I said.

He did. No questions asked. I didn’t linger over that at the moment, but thinking now I know that must mean that he understood what was happening. He wasn’t surprised.

Mom had no intention of taking me to Macy’s.

I don’t know what I did while he was driving around looking for her. I don’t really have a clear playback of finding out what happened. The extent of my trauma has severely limited what I am able to remember, and for this specific part of my life what I know happened now is influenced heavily by the many times my Dad recounted it to me.

A few years later he took me for ice cream and we sat in the parking lot to eat it, staring out at a night bathed in orange streetlamp haze. At one point he put his cup on the dashboard and pointed.

“You see that motel?” He said, drawing my attention to a nondescript line of buildings. “That’s where I found her.”

He recognized her car in the parking lot. The manager didn’t want to tell him what room she was in, (“I bet he was worried I’d catch her in an affair,” he’d remark darkly) but I imagine he explained the situation and got the help he needed. Apparently they found Mom after she took all of our medication. Well, I don’t know if it was all our medication. I just know that she had taken my psych drugs, as well as my dad’s and her own, and decided to mix them with a six pack of beer.

Did someone specify it was beer at some point after that? I don’t know why I would know that. I also don’t know why I would assume it was that over any other type of alcohol.

My Mom took my medication to end her life.

It didn’t work, though. Dad told me later that she died for a little over a minute.

I told them I was worried about taking more Seroquel than both of them put together and they promised me it was very hard to overdose on Seroquel.

Was she counting on that? Or did she forget?

I never liked anything at Macy’s.

At some point I found out that Mom was stable and in the hospital. She was in a coma. In my head I have a memory of standing at the kitchen counter and watching my father call Kaiser to get a new supply of all of our medication. He wrote them all down, every name and their proper dosage. I listen to him speak kindly to the pharmacist on the other end of the line.

“The thing is,” he explains, “we packed to come home from vacation, and our luggage got lost on the flight…”

Inside myself is a vacancy so haunted that ghosts are too afraid to dwell there.

Dad ends up sleeping on the couch. He does not want to sleep in an empty bed. He tells me that he will leave in the morning to go back to the hospital, but he just wants to get a little bit of rest. Once he closes his eyes I slide a quilt above his sleeping body and put on a Jim Gaffigan stand-up special that I only process every third word of.

I don’t know where my brothers are in this memory. I am not thinking about that when it is happening. I’m thinking of my father, and my mother, and how if I didn’t tell my father to look for her he might’ve waited and ended up too late.

Years later I will learn that my father never told my brothers, or my older sister who lived on her own, that Mom tried to kill herself. I can’t bring myself to say tried – she succeeded, and was only brought back by the marvels of medicine. While I am thinking of my mother’s death none of them have any idea what is happening.

I am the one that told my siblings how our mother died for a moment years prior. We learn at the same time that they had no idea. When I ask my father why I was the only one he told about her death and not them, he told me that I agreed they shouldn’t find out.

When did this happen? I was fifteen years old and I have no knowledge of this conversation. Was I there? Or was only my body present and he decided that was enough.

Mom wakes up after three days. My sister joins my brothers and myself and we drive to the hospital to visit her. I can’t imagine what I am feeling. Maybe everything, maybe nothing. I remember riding up the elevator and going down the hall, and then my brain skips again and I am standing at my mother’s hospital bed.

She looks sick and she looks the same. There are tubes. I think she’s probably sedated. She is my mother and I love her and she took all of my medication to try and kill herself.

“Why did you do it?” I ask her, voice soft. I am trying very hard not to cry.

Mom smiles. I don’t know if this is true. She smiles as if doesn’t realize that she didn’t stay dead. When she speaks her voice wavers, faint and weakened.

“I didn’t feel – like I had control,” she pauses to catch her breath. “So I did this...and now I do!”

She is pleased like a child presenting an interesting leaf. My mother is proud of what she was able to accomplish. In some part of my brain that hasn’t fully learned how to speak up enough to defend itself, I absorb the knowledge that she has told me something that will ruin me time and time again for the rest of my life.

All of that is gone now. Mom doesn’t remember, and Dad has decided that it is our job to make sure she never has to.

I wonder if he heard what she said to his child. If he is able to process the deep, permanent damage his wife has done in two simple statements. A sympathetic part of me says that I wouldn’t know what to do in his shoes either, but is that true? I’m not sure.

Pull the child aside in the hallway of the hospital. Take them by the shoulders and lean in close so you have a semblance of privacy.

She is sick, I would say. She is unwell and she is lying. When she is like this, you do not have a mother.

Most of the time I do not have a mother.

When I am in the psych ward after my own suicide attempt my parents are the only ones I allow to visit me. I love my parents and my mother sometimes offers to take me to Macy’s. My Dad crafts little notes like cootie catchers written in red ink. I peel tangerines from the bowl in the cafeteria while they tell me what the dog is doing. He does not treat me like I am sick. Perhaps he considers me more suitable for survival.

I wonder if Mom does what Dad did to me in the parking lot with the ice cream. Does she press her palms into the sheets of her bed and think this is where my child came and told me they tried to drown themselves.

She probably doesn’t. I don’t think she remembers anymore.

I don’t think about the night Mom killed herself as often as I used to, and when I do I don’t really feel anything anymore. As I heal I’ve been warned that things might emerge, and that time might actually make the memory more vivid instead of distant. I don’t know what to say to this. When the possibility emerges I just tell myself that all of that is gone now. It isn’t real.

By this time next year my parents will have no way to find me. I’ve taken control my own way – not through death, but by cutting them off entirely. Whether that is something they understand, or even remember, is not my problem anymore.

#writing #writeblr #writing community #writers on tumblr #queer writers #actually writing #creative writing #memoir #non fiction #tw sui attempt #tw sui vent #tw family trauma #tw family abuse #tw family death #tw family problems #tw childhood trauma #archivist

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