#Instead i just want to die and have anxiety since i didnt do 'everything'

[kissingrhi]

oh shit bro!!! ok! ahh if you have time and you would like to, would you have anything at all in the realm of hurt/comfort for lalo and/or nacho? ngl im down in the pits and ur writing is like a grilled cheese sandwhich on a cold rainy day, its amazing.

idk, maybe the reader is kind of going through it mentally and hella withdraws from everyone which causes conflict bc ahhh cartel work or something (idk man i dont deal drugs) and so The Boys go and check up on u bc "dude did you die or something?" (bc cartel stuff yknow?) and YOURE like "no i didnt die im just vibing bro but the vibes are tainted and gross" and theyre like "cool lets fix that." yknow? idk man the world is your oyster, i trust you. go nuts. but only if you would like to and have the time, i dont wanna pressure you to do anything homie :,) i hope u have a good day.

by far the cutest ask i have ever been sent. i'm sobbing. ily. and i am a WHORE. for hurt/comfort. you just get me!

cw: this gets kind of heavy at parts! maybe releasing something subconsciously with this man idfk. some of talk of depression, anxiety, stuff of that nature. enjoy!!

you legitimately wanted to disappear. forever.

your brain was constantly scrambled, erratic, and loud. you thought of everything and remembered nothing 99.9% of the time. what you did remember was nothing short of miserable reminders of what got you to where you were. who you were. what you'd done.

the shaking of your desperate hands and shuttered breathing of your lungs were nothing compared to the mind-numbing, seemingly endless spew of unfortunate findings in the barren wasteland that was your brain.

you hadn't come into work in 3 days. it had been 3 days since you'd step foot onto the tiled floor of el michoacáno. 3 days since you'd showered. 3 days since you'd moved, besides the awkward shifting during the freezing cold in the middle of the night, when you attempted to sleep. you were miserable, and the worst part was you couldn't decipher why.

it had also been 3 days since you'd checked your phone. oblivious to the countless amount of mixed calls from some of the only contacts you had: nacho and lalo. when you finally made it to reaching your phone, shoved in the drawer of your nightstand, your eyes widened. you ruined something again.

the texts varied from

L: ¿dónde diablos estás?

N: lalo me está molestando.

to

N: hate to say it, but i miss you

L: come back pls

you felt terrible, throwing your phone back to its place with a groan, hiding under the covers like you could escape the tenderness of missing your coworkers. more specifically, your friends.

all you could try to focus on was the gentle beating of your heart, remembering the time that nacho calmed you down the first time you had a panic attack in front of him after nearly dying. his hands were ice cold against your hot cheeks, pulling the hands that were hopelessly wiping away the streaming tears all the way down to your chest.

"el corazón. no cesará. no te dejaré tampoco."

you can still recall the pattern of his slow heart that you heard while you cried against his chest.

you weren't sure how long it was until you felt a change in the air. minutes, hours, days? time was moving irrationally slow and fast all at once. you were still blankly lying against your bed, buried under your blankets. nacho felt like he was at your wake.

you were zoned out, eyes only focusing when the two men you were worried about had seemingly teleported in front of your bed. instead of dropping a sarcastic, self-deprecating joke (like you usually do), you merely turned to the other side with a dramatic sigh.

a pair of rough fingers jumped in front of your line of vision, snapping rambunctiously.

"hey, hey! what the hell, mi amigo!?" his tone was dripping with comedy. "you have no right to ignore either of us. we've been so good to you."

you knew it was lalo quickly, thanks to the delicious grandiose of his gravely voice.

you finally turned around, hearing your bones crack as you pushed yourself up to lay against your bedpost. nacho and lalo drank in your disheveled state, agitation on their faces quietly fading into a look you knew all too well: concern. you glimpsed down at nacho's hand, rubbing his thumb over something he was obviously nervous about before shoving it in his pocket.

"i-" you started, blood suddenly running cold at the what you thought to be shameful eyes staring right at you. for some reason, a lump that had been building for what felt like years finally exploded in the back of your throat, a quick tear that you attempted to wipe away slipping down your cheek, going to push away nacho's anxious hand that reached for your back.

"what? you what?" lalo's posture had completely changed, eyes softening.

the tears were flowing fearlessly now, your eyes still dim and lifeless. you seemed to be fading away, in real time. it was melancholy.

"i am not-" you swallowed, putting a hand to your heart subconsciously.

"i am not ignoring you guys." you said firmly, staring lalo right in the eyes with your stoic, but unconvincing gaze.

the two exchanged looks at each other, nacho biting the inside of his cheek, lalo scratching the back of his neck. they had no idea what to do. they killed people for a living! even if you three weren't the most fond of each other at times, you obviously cared about each other.

"i'm just adjusting. i've got a lot going on. needed some rest." you explained, pressing your fingers together so hard that when you pulled them apart, the skin eased open slowly.

"haha." you were unconvincing, and unrelenting in how much you swore that everything was just fine.

lalo was already strutting his way into the kitchen, starting on something he knew you'd like: chicken noodle soup. when you went to scold him for barging in your home, he just pressed a gentle kiss on your head, making your eyes widen because that is so unlike him.

while lalo got to work in the kitchen, nacho cautiously sat at the end of your bed. when you went to talk, still tearful and messy, nacho politely put a hand up.

"you don't have to explain yourself all the time, you know?" he asked, genuine curiosity brewing in his deep eyes.

"i mean, especially not to me or him." he nodded towards the kitchen, past your doorway. "do you see how we have spent our lives?" he asked, pressing a tickling finger into your side, grinning ear to ear when you smiled the tiniest bit.

"listen. i know how it feels." he started, eyes searching around the floor to try and put what he wanted to say politely, into terms he knew wouldn't blossom into spouts of dangerous overthinking in your unpleasantly fragile mind. he looked just about as sad as you.

"i know what it feels like to have no one understand." he finally looked up at you, hands gently pressing into your shoulders. his eyes were almost watering. maybe you were hallucinating.

you started to cry more, and his frown grew.

"please, please do not cry." he started.

"estás muy cerca de romperme el corazón." was said under his breath. mumbled like an unforgivable sin at the altar.

while his hands wiped away at your tears, he just silently told you, "we care about you. we all care about each other. we have to."

his touches that were so comfortable against your tense body led you to your bathtub, and before you knew it he was sitting on the edge of your toilet and rubbing body wash against your spine. his grimace grew at your sorrowful, hunched figure.

"please do not cry." was uttered again, like you crying would shatter his world just as much as yours.

as soon as you were dressed in fresh clothes, and your messy hair was neatly pulled away from your face, nacho brought you back to your newly cleaned bed.

you felt like your only lifeline was his warmth surrounding what felt like the arctic that you had embedded yourself in.

lalo invited himself back in, pressing a beautiful tray of chicken noodle soup onto your lap, wrapping a blanket around your shoulders with an airy sense of comedy (he pretended like the job was a massive issue to him, groaning each time he had to move, watching you deeply to see you laugh).

you just stared up at both of them, like you had never experienced this kind of care before.

if you were being honest with yourself, you definitely hadn't.

"well?" lalo started, looking right back at you. "eat." he said, almost in a way that a mother does to their child. he scolded you, but in the way that you know had the purest and most loving intentions.

when you did, you noticed the sharp, grainy pain in your throat was instantly washed away. you couldn't stop. your nutrient-deprived body scarfed down the meal, chugging the glass of water he added on the side.

"thank you guys." was all you said, looking away with a gentle smile on your face.

"are you kidding me? of course!" lalo laughed. "you just need to come coddle me every time i get sick. deal?" he asked, rubbing your head.

after hours of hugs and distracting conversations, the pair decided you were well enough to leave for the night.

"get lots of rest, okay? don't need you to lose any focus at work." lalo pointed a demanding finger at you, chest raised like he was the king of the world. "be safe."

you nodded, your head leaning into your pillow with a grin. nacho situated himself in front of you once more, reaching into his pocket. he made his way out while you read the tiny slip of battered paper.

you noticed a gorgeous blue, dried flower pressed against the right edge. in his messy handwriting you could dechiper:

"el corazón. no cesará. no te dejaré tampoco."

#um hello #im so proud of this #sobbing #angst #hurt/comfort #better call saul x reader #nacho varga #nacho varga x reader #lalo salamanca #lalo salamanca x reader #better call saul #this made me cry

[reanimatedandmedicated]

vent post bullshit

I had everything. Once upon a time, I had everything. I was loved. Deeply. And I loved back. I loved deeply, and in ways that my heart never knew before. I spoke to this man for the first time, as though catching up with an old friend. I hadn't come to terms with who I was yet, but he showed me.

I wanted to give him the world, but refused his love at every turn. I showered him with love and gifts and praise, but denied him the ability to reciprocate. Expressions of gratitude became spirals about how unworthy I was. Every time he appreciated me, I'd tell him how unloveable I was.

I hated myself so, so much. I constantly told him he'd be better off. I tried to die many times, under the belief that I was some anchor holding him back. He gave me no logical reason to believe this. Over time, the hours passed in conversation become tense silence.

You see, the thrumming of my heart was louder than the screaming in my head. But the voices, the urges, the insecurity and anxiety, all remained. But the love and warmth he gave, and I gave in return, gave me balance.

This was unsustainable, and the louder my symptoms became, the more deliberately I ignored them. When I did acknowledge them, I spiraled and declared that I was not worth the effort of healing, not worth the resources.

This man sat with a woman who constantly chased death, hated herself so madly, became so sick. And he just. Couldn't anymore. He chased me deeper and deeper down the well, desperately trying to catch me. He eventually decided that maybe, just maybe, I'd finally find the bottom if he stopped falling after me.

He instead fell out of love. And all at once, I became painfully aware as to how deeply I was unable to accept the nightmares of my anxiety. Selfish girl, anticipating and fearing abandonment, yet when it finally comes- The pain is paralyzing. On my birthday, as I writhed on the floor of a mental hospital, he told me he didn't love me anymore. The man I was going to marry, my sunshine, my heart, my world, my reason for living and surviving the last five years-

On my twenty-fifth birthday, in that cold place, he told me he didnt love me anymore. I felt him fall out of love with me. The less he cared, yhe more apathetic, the more I spiraled. Halloween was a horrible night. I accused him of cheating.

He did in the end though. With friends. Friends I would have waged war for, whom I had offered the greatest of kindness and love I could give given my mental decline.

When they picked me up from that cold place, I cried in his arms. I hugged my friends, so glad to see them again. They didn't speak of their newly minted romance. I didn't realize I was third wheeling on that car ride back. I cleaned and baked cakes and tidied the home we'd made for one another as they made out in the backseat of a rental car, surrounded by who were some of my closest friends.

That Sunday night, when they came home from New York, I was awarded an I ♥ New York sweatshirt and the death knell of all my dreams.

Back to the facilities I went, after carving myself like a pumpkin.

I have been bitter, cruel, and cold. My saving grace before I was discarded was my kindness, my willingness to do for others. Since then, I have become cold. Numb. I trust nobody. I trust myself less.

My mind screams in voices that are not my own, and I gaze at the destruction of the rest of my life. I loved once. But I never loved myself.

I did so much wrong. I have done much wrong since. Mania and murderous intent, suicide and sinister looks, wrath and wrongful attitudes.

There are no heroes in this story. Just two people who loved each other until it nearly killed them, and vultures from New York who fed on the carrion while it still breathed.

But they weren't quite vultures. They were loved. They were like family. Some, like the children I could never conceive. I came to lash at all of them, in the end. But we did love them. I cared for them as much as I cared for my fiance. An intensity and sincerity that suffocated every party.

I think the cruel thing is that they're wrong. I'm not heartless. I do have a heart. And that means every mistake and act of cruel revenge I've taken came from a place that still loves, and hurts very deeply. All the more evil, to consider such love contorted into such loathing.

The more fondly I recall the times before, the hotter the tears, the greater the rage. I have said terrible things and threatened worse still, in the aftermath of the betrayal.

I have forsaken all, and been forsaken in turn.

I'm not a good person. I never was. And whatever good he saw in me died when the three of them stole away my purpose, the life I'd broken my body and traded years of my life for.

There's five voices in my head, and they're all in pain. Wounded animals bare teeth, but it's becoming harder to see the animal past them. All fangs and venom, these days.

The worst part, is that in the wake of the mania, the psychosis, the mood swings, the agony, the ice in my chest and the physical pain of heartbreak- I was right all along. I was unloveable, in the end. I was going to be forgotten. I was going to be abandoned.

I made sure of that.

It's perhaps a blessing we were never married.

"In sickness and in health"

I was never a healthy girl.

Sometimes I read my words and stare, having a hard time placing which part of me wrote them.

Beneath all the sturm and drang, I am so sorry. So deeply sorry. There's finally something broken I can't fix. A reaction that can't be reversed. There's no going back.

One lifetime isn't enough. We can't get it right in one shot. Why can't love come with second chances?

I want to carve this pain out of me. But the pain reminds me I love him. And if all that can remind me of that is this ache in my chest, the panic in my lungs, the stinging of my eyes- I'll hold on to it forever. It may be the last thing he'll ever give me.

#vent post

[mrfoox]

Yeah I am still suicidal and all that shit but I deeply cleaned like the whole apartment for the first time since I moved here and I want to die

#I wish i had a reward system like this? This would literally make me feel like a god i assume if i did? #Instead i just want to die and have anxiety since i didnt do 'everything' #Miranda talking shit

[nebulaniggatry]

im sorry this is long, you can delete if you want, but i dont quite know where or how to ask this question and i figure this is a better bet than most wlw blogs on this site. but do any other bi women just feel SUPER unwelcome around a lot of lesbians lately???? this has happened to me in a couple different groups within the past few months, i start getting along great with a group of gay women, and then as soon as i mention im bi and not a lesbian its like they get disappointed and quietly try to shove me away. the energy just automatically changes. instead of everything being abt loving women, suddenly its all abt their hatred for men. plus, a week ago, i almost got kicked out of a group chat because someone accused me of being a "bi lesbian" (i dont even know how that would work or where they got that idea) and everyone freaked out and started saying i hate lesbians and want them to get r*ped by my boyfriend?? i did correct them and explain i dont even date men, but i ended up leaving the group anyway very soon after bc they didnt apologize or anything, they just stayed distant. i hope im just being dramatic, or getting unlucky, but has anyone else been dealing with this kinda stuff??? i get so much anxiety talking to other wlw now, and it hurts a lot. ive cried over it a couple times now so i guess im looking for some kind of support or advice.

Hey. You’re most likely not alone in that, but from my experience it definitely depends on the environment and where you’re meeting people. I’ve vented before on here that I’ve told a gay person, who previously thought I was gay, that I was bisexual, and I could physically see the light die from their eyes with disappointment lol. While I know generally for bisexuals we don’t go “:///“ when we encounter other gays or have them in our spaces, but are more or less happy we found another gay person to relate to. But that also could be because bisexuals don’t really have a grounded “community” by itself.

In general I prefer meeting lgbt people online in order to see their viewpoints first since its more open, but I can understand as well how that probably isn’t as enjoyable if you’re meaning to hang out. A lot of lgbt ppl I meet irl often hold strange grudges and misconceptions against another, whether that be biphobia, misogyny, transphobia, general bigotry, etc. So you’re definitely not alone.

Even now with on Twitter, recently this thread caught traction about bisexuals wanting their own spaces in NYC, and in the thread many bisexuals (bi women especially) have come forward about their mistreatment and alienation in gay bars. Which is, of course, met with biphobic statements like this:

My advice to you is to search for more inclusive spaces and groups, and also be blunt and combative towards people attempting to alienate you for being bisexual, even if that may be difficult. Gay people bullying other gay people stems from insecurity and unpacked self-hatred. There’s a reason why so many wlw target each other but worship the ground attractive cishet women walk on. It’s easier. Hope that helped you somewhat, and I’m sorry about what you’re going through 😞 💖💜💙

#answered #anonymous #biphobia

[mayflowers07]

Moceit/found family Superfamily AU

(Tw: mention of panic attacks, depression, anxiety, death, kidnapping, human trafficking. Nothing is shown in huge detail at all but be warned)

Also this is a long plot so bare with me:

Okay so Janus Trần was a 20 year old law student by day, world famous super hero named Deceit by night

His power was that Janus had the ability to mind control people if they looked him in the eyes

And while Janus had always used his powers for good, most people (especially the media) still feared Deceit for what he could potentially do

But that was fine, right? I mean he didn’t really have any friends as Janus and as Deceit the world hated him, but he worked better alone! He was definitely not suffering from crippling loneliness... definitely not...

Everything changed when, while stopping a back robbery, another hero named Morality thought Deceit was the one robbing the bank and tried to fight him

And even when after the mixup was cleared up, Janus was still pissed

Except staying mad at Morality was kind of hard. Because instead of trying to justify himself, Morality told him he was really really sorry and insisted on taking Deceit out for lunch to make up for it

During lunch Janus learned a couple of things:

1) Morality had no concept of keeping secrets. He revealed that his real name was Patton Saleh, he was 22, he had two moms and worked at their bakery, and his powers were to manipulate the weather around him based on his emotions

2) Patton was one stubborn SOB. He payed for the meal (despite Janus’ arguing), he gave Janus his number and started texting him later that night, and decided that they were going to be friends, whether Janus liked it or not

3) Janus was already falling in love with this human ball of sunshine... well shit

The two began hanging out as heroes almost daily (Janus swore that he was annoyed by this) and even began teaming up together to fight together

And that actually worked out really well! They both had way better success rates when they fought together, and Janus really felt happier then ever now that he finally had a friend

The issue was that Janus still didn’t want to give up any of his secrets. About a year after they first met (a year of keeping his growing and growing crush on Patton hidden) and Patton still didn’t know Deceit’s real name, age, occupation, or literally anything

This caused a wedge between the two of them that eventually turned into a huge argument. This ended with Patton screaming that he refused to give his heart to someone who won’t give anything back in return and storming off

The two didnt talk for months and the depression and loneliness hit Janus way harder then ever. He even considered not being a hero anymore because of it

Then one day he saw on the news that Morality got hurt in a battle. Badly hurt. And it was a fight that the two of them could have easily won together but because he was alone, Patton was hurt. Because of him, Patton was hurt

Janus booked it over to the Storytellers’ headquarters (Thomas had the ability to heal wounds and acted as the superhero medical assistance for anyone who needed it)

Storyteller explained that Patton would be fine but he would probably be unconscious for a while and that Janus could sit by his bed to wait

While there, seeing the love of his life so pale and lifeless, Janus broke down and told Patton everything. He confessed his name and his whole backstory- how his parents kicked him out when he was 16 because of his powers. He confessed that he had been scared of opening up ever since then and getting hurt again. And he confessed that he loved Patton so so much, even though he didn’t feel worthy to love someone as wonderful as Patton

Three days later, Patton woke up. And the first thing he did is ask for Janus; not Deceit though, he asked for Janus. Meaning Patton had heard everything while he was out. Once Storyteller gave him the all clear to go into his room, Patton immediately pulled Janus in for a kiss and said that he’d been in love with Janus since that first lunch

Janus wasn’t crying. He was not sobbing hysterically and holding Patton’s hand like a lifeline thank you very much.

Once Patton got back on his feet, the two started dating for real. And sure, they still occasionally fought about Patton not putting himself first or Janus hiding things, but they worked through these things each and every time

Half a year later and the two moved in together

And a year after that and they finally got married

Fast forward to when Janus was 31 and Patton was 33. Patton owned his own restaurant, Janus was a very successful lawyer, and the hero thing was going great

One day while Janus was in court, Morality was patrolling the city when he noticed a figure in black hood and mask graffitiing a building. He went to stop the person but as soon as he touched them, he started having vivid, graphic hallucinations of his worst nightmares until he collapsed on the ground screaming and crying

Eventually Janus got a call saying what happened, and he rushed downtown to pick up his husband and take him home

The hallucinations didn’t end until twelve hours later and the first thing Patton said when he was able to speak was that they needed to find the person who did that to him. But not to get revenge like Janus thought, but to help them

Janus tried to appeal to his husband but Patton was deadset that before the person lashed out, he saw their eyes and they looked like a scared child that needs help rather then a villain

After a week of searching the duo tracked down the kid and found him robbing a 7/11. The kid was hesitant to explain anything, but he didn’t attack them. Before he ran away though, he told them to call him Anxiety and that he was sorry he hurt Morality. Patton considered the interaction a win

Over the course of a year, they continued to reach out to Anxiety. They bought him food whenever they saw him, got him warmer clothes in the winter, they even invited him to sleep over at their house when he got sick or too tired to go home. But he still refused to give his name or take off his mask, even when Janus or Patton trusted him enough to reveal theirs

And Janus found himself getting attached to this sarcastic, introverted little kid. He taught Anxiety to better control his powers (turned out that that first day with Patton was an accident because Anxiety was stressed out) and how to defend himself without powers

The breaking point was reached when one day, Anxiety came to them in the middle of a panic attack. They calmed him down enough for him to explain that, when he was eight his powers manifested, and his mom started abusing him and calling him a monster- and now she has been threatening to kill him

Janus and Patton felt their hearts’ break for their kid so they promised they wouldn’t let him go back to her. Finally Anxiety took off his mask and told them his name was Virgil Brown and he was 15 years old

Thanks to Janus’ lawyer skills, getting Virgil’s mom thrown in jail and obtaining custody of Virgil was easy (when they asked Virgil if he wanted to live with them, he started crying because no one had ever made him feel as safe as Patton and Janus had)

The family got Virgil a therapist and continued to help him with his powers and everyone was content with their perfect little family

Until one day two years later Janus got intel that a local gang was transporting a dangerous weapon to a new location and him and Patton went to intercept the gang before they could

The bust went well but when they went to break down the door of the transport van, they were shocked to find not a weapon, but a seven year old kid chained up and giving off waves of electric energy

Patton flashed Janus the puppy dog eyes so of course they took the kid home with them. The kid was scared out of his mind but with some gentle coaxing from Patton, he told them his name was Roman, he was actually ten but he had been starved his whole life so he was quite small, and when he was five his mom, dad, and twin brother were killed and he was kidnapped to be used as an energy source

Janus and Patton already mentally signed the adoption papers in their heads at this point. And Virgil saw this scared child and saw his past self in him so of course Virgil immediately decided he would die for his new brother

They slowly worked to get Roman back to a physically healthy point and to open up about what happened to him while he was kidnapped, and it turned out that Roman was actually a very talkative, excitable kid when he was not fearing for his life

And each detail Roman gave about how he was beaten and locked away just cemented the fact that Janus and Patton were going to give this kid the childhood he deserved

Life had been going well. Virgil graduated high school and started both med-school and going out on patrol with his dads on occasion, and Roman thrived in school as one of the most popular kids

Of course that was not the end of the story because their lives have never been that simple

Fellow hero Mindmeld died in a building collapse and in his will, he asked someone to go to his apartment and get all his affairs in order

Janus decided he would and lawyers up to go over to the given address. And when he got there, he immediately freaked the fuck out because why was there a kid in the apartment?

Turned out Mindmeld had a four year old son named Logan whose mother died years ago and who was now an orphan with no other relatives. A four year old who also had his late father’s telekinetic abilities that made his toys fly around the air and attack Janus when he tried to pick Logan up

You get the picture by now, of course they adopted Logan

And at first Logan was super uncomfortable and closed off to these strangers and kept asking for his dad

But then one night he had a nightmare and when Patton and Janus came to help him, he sleepily called the duo Dad and Papa and they knew they were making progress

Roman and Virgil were both kind of jealous of Logan at first because to them it looked like he was the favourite of the family as the baby, but Logan was such a curious, sweet little kid that no one could really be mad at him for very long

So Patton and Janus had three kids. Three super powered, traumatized kids.

Except that number soon went up to four. One of the members of the gang that had kidnapped Roman- who was now twelve- confessed from prison that they had never actually killed Roman’s brother

Instead they had sold Remus across the country to a supervillain organization that dealt in trading superpowered kids. Apparently Remus had the ability to manipulate soundwaves

So the parents left Virgil in charge and hauled ass to this organization.

Through some potentially illegal interrogation techniques, they managed to find out which warehouse Remus had been kept in this whole time

They found Remus- who had been locked away in a soundproof cell alone for years- and Remus immediately freaked out and lashed out with his powers when they freed him

The sound wave he released knocked down the buildings around him and ended up temporarily deafening Janus and Patton

Remus started freaking out because he thought they were going to hurt him but both of them were only concerned with this poor, scared kid’s safety

Patton told Remus that they had Roman in safety and immediately Remus calmed down and started sobbing and begging to see his brother

They brought Remus home with them and as soon as the brothers saw each other, they were both hysterical. They refused to even let go of each other for a whole week

Remus took even longer then his brother to adjust. He outright avoided being around anyone in the family other then Roman

Finally Remus confessed that he felt horribly guilty about what he did to his new dads and that he was scared he’d hurt someone again

But then Virgil sat down with his new brother and talked to him about the first time he met Patton and how he hurt him too. He tells him about how he knows what it feels like to think that no one could ever love you unconditional, but assures that with Janus and Patton it’s possible. They all have a group hug afterwards, and Remus soon blossomed around his family

And that where the story ends off: a long, long way away from the silently suffering Janus from the beginning who kept to himself, because he thought that no one would ever love him for who he really was.

Because sometimes a family is

a nine year old kid genius who skipped two grades and is in the habit of recreating the Matilda scene for fun

two sixteen year old twin boys that are known citywide as Deceit’s former sidekicks turned solo heroes named Lightning and Thunder

a twenty-four year old nightmare bender who now mentors under Storyteller as the newest superhero healer

and two forty/forty-two year old retired heroes that love their kids and each other to the ends of the Earth and back

#may writes #sanders sides #thomas sanders #ts sides #janus sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #logan sanders #remus sanders #ts family #ts character thomas #character thomas #moceit

[lucifers-pen]

Belphegor closed his eyes ready to drift into a peaceful slumber.

His dreams lately hadn't been as happy as he would've liked but it wasn't anything big nor anything he couldn't handle.

He awoken suddenly when he heard someone say his name, he opened his eyes fully to reveal lillith standing Infront of him, arms crossed like she was disappointed in him, what had he done to make her look so disappointed.

"Belphie, I can't belive you went down to the human world!" She exclaimed at the ex-angel, "you know Micheal forbid us!"

"I know, I'm sorry...I was just curious what their like" as soon as those words left his mouth it felt as if the room had shifted, lillith now behind him a more angry expression on her face

"Your curiosity killed me, belphie...made our brothers fall and you dare act like everything normal around them?" She said appearing next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder, "How could you not apologise to a person you almost killed?!"

"Stop it!!, Just stop!!" Belphie grabbed her hand and pulled it off of his shoulder, "I know I should've apologized! I know I shouldn't have tried to do what I did, but I'm trying to get better, I'm trying to do better!!"

All of a sudden the room went dark and he started to fall.

He woke up with tears streaming down his face, he couldn't belive what dream he had. He tried to close his eyes but the thought of that dream coming back made him force his eyes open again. He didnt want to feel the anguish felt again.

How could lillith say that to him...he knew it was a dream but that made it hurt worse, what would she think of his actions...maybe beelzebub should've saved her instead of him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

After 4 days of not sleeping Belphie felt the need to seek help for his dilemma. Whenever he closed his eyes to sleep he saw an angry lillith in front of him, arms crossed and a sour expression planted in her face.

He had asked every one of his brothers for help except to one...lucifer

He hadnt been on good terms with his eldest brother for a long time, but if anyone knew how to help it was him...

Belphie knocked on Lucifer's office door and had a thought for a moment to leave, to ask beel for help again but lucifer opened the door before belphie could run

"Yes, Belphegor?" Lucifers said as he looked at the shorter demon with a curious look in his eyes

"...hey Lucifer I could really use your help for a moment. If your busy I could ways come back later" belphie stammered as anxiety creeped into his heart.

Why was he so nervous...he had talked about it with the other brothers so why was lucifer the hardest to talk to?

"No need to leave, I was just finishing the last paper, now...what's bothering you?" Lucifer said moving out of the way so belphie could walk in

"...It's about lillith" belphie muttered feeling like an idiot being upset over a stupid dream.

"lillith? What about her?" Lucifer questioned as belphie walked into the room, sitting on the couch

"Well...you see, I had a nightmare about lillith about four days ago and I haven't slept a blink since...I'm extremely tired but I don't want to see lillith mad at me" belphie stated as he hugged himself

"May I ask what your nightmare was about?" Lucifer asked.

Belphie explained his nightamre and how lillith had blamed him for her and the brothers demise. That he should feel ashamed for trying to kill the mc.

"Listen, it wasn't your fault lillith tried to save that human she fell in love with, it wasn't your fault that she fell in love...she tried to play god and if she blamed it on you than shes digusted with herself and trying to point the blame" lucifer started, "if beelzebub saved her, she would be upset that you died because of her. Lilliths actions are not yours to carry belphie. You made a mistake, yes but at least your taking accountability for your actions and attempting to fix it"

Belphie was speechless, "I...but how will I know how to move on and stop having bad dreams..."

"You won't, Belphegor. You have trauma from watching her die...it will always be apart if you but if you talk about it it'll make it a bit easier to deal with...the bad dreams remind us to savor the good dreams"

Lucifer pulled his younger brother into a hug

"Im sorry you were struggling through this, if you need to talk I'm always here for you"

The End

#obeyMe #Obeyme! #Belphegor Obeyme #belphie #obey me #LuciferObeyme #Lucifer #belphegor #lucifer #Angst #hurt comfort

[himbosims]

uh complaining under the cut dont read if you dont wanna know potentially tmi stuff or dont wanna read anything triggering towards mental health and alcohol/drugs

im just SO FUCKING DONE. I work full time, not by choice, but because I have yet to be put on a part time schedule. I also am a full time student. This means the 168 hours I have in the week, 80 go to work and school, potentially more depending on the week. But im also trying really hard to take care of myself because last year when the last thing happened i fell into a really really really bad depression, relapsed, turned to alcohol and pot to cope, which i mean, isnt a bad thing, nothing wrong with a drink or two or having a blunt, but it became more of a every weekend kind of thing. I didn’t want to be sober because everything was just too hard and too much and it seemed alcohol made it better. I was really in one of my worst places in my life around October of last year to February of this year and I really don’t want to fall into that place again, so im trying hard to take care of myself. Im going to therapy, taking my medicine, caring for my health as much as I can, but its just, so hard sometimes. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety earlier this year, which I already knew, but now that Ive started therapy and treatment I’ve been diagnosed with BPD (or at least, semi diagnosed, she didnt have time last session to give me a proper diagnoses, but she says it is highly likely thats my main “issue”) and idk. Im having a hard time coping with it I guess. I mean, ive kinda known for awhile. I could go into papers full of the shit thats happened in the last year to make me think this was a possible diagnoses, but theres a difference between just thinking it to yourself and being told “hey this is what is wrong with you.” (im just now realizing some of you dont know what bpd is so uh, if you dont, think hot and cold, thats how i am about everything, if you wanna learn more just send me an ask or a message, ill share what ive learned based on what my therapist told me). And right now is a really triggering time for me based on past trauma and current things happening in my life, that plus the fact that my depression gets worse in the winter, im really just straight up not having a good time. 

Tumblr also hasnt been great for my mental health, and this is where it gets to the part where you are going to judge me so please just dont because i will probably just cry and log off for months again. All of those posts that go around that are like “sim stories to read” or “blogs I love” really fucking did me in this week because i kept waiting for someone to add me and everytime i saw a reblog where i wasnt on it i felt terrible. I hate that part about myself but i cant change it, i told my therapist about it and she said, again, its the bpd, but its just very annoying. I always find myself so fucking sad on this platform because i never feel appreciated, which is stupid because i know I am, but my brain cant turn off for five seconds just to be happy with what i have. Instead i have to convince myself no one actually cares about me and soon everyone will forget about me and my characters and ill go back to what my blog was when i started it four years ago getting one note per post while my mutuals just get more followings. I hate this. I hate this so much and if there was a way to change this part of me I would because its bullshit. 

That plus the fact that I havent felt good today (i have chronic digestive/stomach issues and have since I was a kid, yeah me) so i worked all day basically just being in pain because i ate something new and my body had a very negative reaction to it.  Which made me in a terrible mood since I got to work. 

I really wanna work on stuff. I got in such a big mood to write yesterday but i was too tired to actually do anything and thats basically been my entire life recently. I sleep all night and as much of the day as possible and when im not asleep im tired and in a shitty mood and i know theres not much i can do about it because im not in control of really anything. Basically im just vibing, but not the good kind, more of the “i hate everything and life isnt fair but im too spiteful to die” kinda vibing. 

#its not been a good time #idk #im just not really feeling much of anything anymore #ive been trying to make myself work on stuff when i dont have to work #but even thats hard because i have two days off and rarely do i feel like spending those days playing sims #instead i wanna pretend life doesnt exsit and watch a stream instead #or play sdv #i think im in a super weird mood because this week a loooooot of past memories have been brought up since i saw someone who kinda triggered #some emotions #anyway if you read this far thanks for listening to my rambles i guess #im gonna work on sims stuff #the bc will be posted at some point #im just not really in the place to do it #and i feel like a hiatus might help me again with things #but i hate doing those because it doesnt really fix anything #it more just pushed the problems away until i decide to deal with them again #anyway #im going back to bed not #night night

[deddie-eddie]

Hypocrisy in fandom.

TW // suicide, suicide baiting, harassment

.

.

.

Yesterday, I nearly killed myself.

I was in the midst of a breakdown, I was shaking so hard I couldnt breathe, and if I wasn't I likely would have been able to open the pill bottle and I likely would have gone through with it.

I had to be talked down via phone call while I was on a camping trip with my family.

But why?

Two days ago, I did something awful. I found a "pedo struggling" account, run by an anti, who was posting screenshots of me and my friends, and called them out.

Little did I know, this would be the start of something horrible.

It started out fine. I made a couple jokes, laughed along at other proshippers in the comments, and it was all fine.

Then, the account posted a vague tweet. "They won't stop." I thought this was funny, so I poked more fun at them. Watched them squirm as they replied to my friends in shaky, broken English. I called it crytyping. I mocked them for it. I assumed I knew what I was talking about and instead of realizing that they were having a breakdown, I assumed that they were being performative and made some horrid accusations in a long callout thread about them. I posted screenshots of them as they replied with, what I thought was, performative nonsense. I privately mocked them. To summarize, I did something entirely, unarguably, factually awful. I made assumptions I had no right to make and acted on them in the worst way.

Then I went to bed.

When I woke up, I had hundreds of notifications. Spammed messages of "deactivate," "how could you do something like this," and a barrage of fancams.

It had come out that the person I was mocking was having a genuine panic attack, and that I had mocked them in a time of immense struggle and pain. I had no right to mock them in the first place, but now that it was genuine, my actions were amplified.

I finally took more than two seconds to think about what I'd done, and realized I was a huge, giant, absolutely massive asshole. I deleted the thread, released a long apology, and tried to take every comment and all my criticism in stride. I was still getting a lot of hate. That was understandable. I knew I didnt deserve to be forgiven yet. I let it be. I didnt tweet anything else for fear of it seeming like I wasnt taking this horrible situation seriously. I sincerely, honestly replied to people asking me why, how, and what I thought I was doing. They had every right to know. Still, the cries of "deactivate" rolled in. I knew I deserved them.

Then, it got worse.

I got a comment. I checked it.

"I dont usually say this but ummm... you should kys."

My heart raced. It had been a while since someone had told me to kill myself. I knew I had fucked up but I didnt realize just how hard, if people were really telling me to kill myself. But i brushed it off. It was one comment. I deserved it.

But it kept. Coming.

More people. "Deactivate," "kill yourself," "you're a freak." All day. Every minute I'd have a new notif, and every moment a new threat. "You'll be alone forever." "I hope you rot alone." I knew I had to take it because I had inadvertently sent people to harass that person. I didnt deserve to be forgiven. I still dont.

People watched my follower count drop. So did I. I lost mutuals I had interacted with for months. I lost people who said that they would always be there for me. I lost people who used to call me their best friend.

I had no one ask me for my side. No one that i was close to, anyway. None of the tens of people who told me that they cared about me, that they loved me, that theyd always be there for me. Not a single one of them was there to ask me. They all read the same callout post, and came to the same conclusion. That I was a horrible, unforgivable person. And I dont blame them for that. Sometimes I think I am too.

Then they kept going even more. More hate. More callout posts, except now people were making things up. They were lying and I couldnt do anything about it because I was in the wrong and not to be redeemed. Old friends took the sides of people who genuinely suggested that I die or kill myself, and people who said they loved me were handing over screenshots to these people in hopes that they wouldnt get thrown under the bus.

They took old things that I said and did and exaggerated them, posted old DMs out of context, and when they couldnt manipulate my words they just didnt provide evidence at all. They had that power. They had the power to lie about me and I had given it to them.

More people joined in. There was a hashtag spread of me. #staymadeddie on twitter. Look it up if you think I'm lying. People tried to get this trending.

After over a day and a half of NOTHING but constant harassment, I started to think I should take their advice. If I was dead, I'd finally be quiet, and theyd get what they wanted. If I was dead, they wouldnt yell at me anymore. They wouldnt harass me. I would be free.

They managed to make me feel like this in a day and a half.

I had a public breakdown. I screamed over the internet, phone held in shaking hands as I tried not to sob in earshot of my family. I frantically pleaded to what little I had left that they stop. I begged to know what they wanted from me. I asked if they really wanted me to die. I begged them to leave me alone. I threw my phone at my bed, ran to the med cabinet, and grabbed a bottle of pills. If I hadn't been shaking so hard, I'd have opened it. If I had opened it, I dont like to think about what I might have done. I was flooded with comments telling me to get help. Close friends begged me not to do what I wanted so badly to. They dmed me left and right, but i ignored it. I felt numb. Everything had been hurting so much that when presented with death felt almost better. Obviously that was a ludicrous thought. It was a day and a half. I was being rash. But I didnt care. I couldnt take it anymore. I'm 15, I have severe anxiety and depression. When overwhelmed, my impulsive thoughts and actions take over.

A friend called me and had to talk me down over phone call while I was camping with my family. It was successful, of course, but the rest of the day I was plagued with a deep depression that left me feeling hollow and worthless. I still cant keep my thoughts away from it. I think about all the people I've lost. All the people who, in their eyes, I'm dead to. All the people who swore they'd be with me, but when push came to shove they couldnt even spare me a glance.

My crime was harassing a minor. I made assumptions I had no right to make and publicly blasted someone for having a panic attack. In no way was that okay and in no way am I entitled to be forgiven. However, I deleted the post. I released an apology. I took criticism as best I could, without blaming my actions on anything or anyone but myself. I did what they always tell you to do when you fuck up.

But it didnt work.

I *was* genuinely sorry.

I *did* recognize my mistake

I *tried* to make amends.

I *didn't* pass blame.

I fucked up. Hard. But no matter what I did no one would stop. I lost close friends. I lost a best friend. It almost seemed like I'd made it worse.

There is no moral. Because real life isnt black and white. I did an awful thing. These people did awful things too. There is more than one victim here. In people's quest to gain justice for me harassing a minor, they harassed a minor into near suicide and laughed at it.

Dont forget that behind EVERY account there is a real person. Be they adult or child, everyone will fuck up and even though in general we need to think before we post, like I clearly didnt, it is possible to learn from our actions and one negative one doesn't define a person.

I'll say this again.

To some people, people I trusted, people who said they cared about me, i am dead. They hate my guts. I'll never be redeemed. But I'm expected to improve myself with this knowledge. I'm supposed to take all the hate and never speak about the hate coming my way for fear of trying to victimize myself.

No. Fuck you.

I AM a victim. I was harassed as much as they were, and even though I threw the first stone, I never told anyone to die. I never lied about anyone. I didnt cancel them. I learned my mistake and apologized, but I KNOW that NO ONE will EVER be expected to apologize for what they did to me.

What I did was horrible. I am not entitled to forgiveness. I will repeat that a hundred times. But to beat me down until I'm nearly dead, to call me a freak and a pedo and a disgusting person, to tell me to kill myself, then laugh when I call myself a victim, is disgusting.

I DON'T deserve this, and I'm tired of having to pretend like I do.

By all means. Criticize me. Make jokes. Be harsh. But do NOT tell me to kill myself over a lack of forethought, and then have the guts to call yourself a "protector of kids." You're not.

You're only out to protect your friends, and the people who agree with you, other people's lives be damned. I dont matter to you. And you'll never admit that you hurt me.

#cancelled #tw suicide #tw suicide baiting #tw harassment

[roleplcyheaux]

what did kelly do to you that was so terrible that person witnessed?

i’m assuming you mean the person who messaged amanda about me when you said “that person”? truth be told i’m not sure what that person witnessed because i’m not sure who sent that in. i spent almost 4+ years being friends with kelly and in that time span a lot of people came into the fold and left it and i don’t know all their stories. or what they saw in that time. i only know my own story and it’s long and convoluted but i’m gonna share it. before i do though, i want to say this isn’t a call out post. or well, it’s not meant to be one. i’m not a fan of cancel culture and i don’t believe anyone is beyond the point of redemption. 

i’ve forgiven kelly for a lot of the stuff that’s happened between us and i also acknowledge a lot of our problems were because i never was honest with her when she asked if things were alright. for the sake of keeping the peace and not starting drama i never said a lot of things. if anything i enabled her. that’s why i’m compelled to answer this question. it’s not my place to judge whether kelly is a bad person or not. it is my hope that she’ll read this and realize she’s capable of hurting people more than she realizes. it’s my hope that seeing these words come from someone who knew her for years and thought the world of her will make her realize that the stuff that’s being said about her isn’t just coming from bitter, fake woke, negative people who are making things up to make her look bad or evil.

it’s important to note that kelly was one of my best friends in the whole world. both online and off. i was 18/19 when i met her. basically just graduating high school and still impressionable and kelly was there for me a lot through those formative years. she made me feel accepted and loved in a time where i felt anything but due to another group of friends who exiled me for being who i was (a woc who practiced islam). literally for the first year or so of knowing her (and ace, kaisi, whoever else was in our friend group at the time) i was lying about my identity. essentially catfishing them to the point where i’d have a friend i knew irl send snapchats for me. the closer i got to them the more the lie i was living weighed on me. i tried to distance myself from them out of guilt because of it but kelly always reached out and when i finally revealed i was lying and showed them who i really was they accepted me.

they understood! it was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and i was closer to her than ever cause i knew that since she had been so cool with it, that everyone else would take her lead and be cool with it too. that’s the thing about kelly, she has that effect on people. she’s so sure of herself, confident, full of life and people just follow her lead cause she’s charismatic. i knew that since she accepted me everyone else would and i could live my truth finally. after that i essentially felt indebted to her. i loved her. she was honestly like a sister to me. an older sister i wanted to prove myself to and impress. there were a lot of things throughout the time i was friends with her that could have been considered red flags that i ignored. a lot of things she did and said that didn’t sit right with me that i did nothing about. i always gave kelly the benefit of the doubt because that’s what she had given me. but that changed. there was really one defining moment in our friendship where i had my breaking point but even before then there were things:

she asked me to join a group with her as a twin to her nina dobrev and then got mad at me for plotting with people and began accusing me of trying to compete with her even though she’s the one that asked me to join the group. i immediately apologized for trying to steal her thunder and offered to leave the group. i remember messaging lana about it separately and being upset that kelly compared me to an rper we mutually didnt like at the time and who i thought was trying to compete with me on the dash and copy me.

there was an instance where i told a mutual friend that she ended up wanting to do a plot similar to one kelly and i were planning to do for our ship so we decided not to do it. no big deal right? apparently not cause kelly was furious at me for telling this friend this information for some reason? she made a big deal about it and told me she didn’t like people talking behind her back so then i became terrified of saying anything about her even in passing to someone for fear that she’d be mad at me about it.

i learned recently that she used her closeness to me and our bond to make that friend (the same friend from the bullet above) feel excluded. [SCREENSHOT ONE], [SCREENSHOT TWO]. this is someone who she introduced me to mind you. someone she encouraged me to get along with. she would initiate skype calls and then go silent on us so we would continue chatting, not thinking much of it. then later she would accuse us (only to me) of ignoring her and intentionally leaving her out. i remember apologizing for this even though, once again i had zero idea what i did wrong. i also remember that me & this person started to just call/talk to each other directly instead of in the chat cause we didnt want kelly to be mad at us for getting along. 

after that, kelly made a gc excluding this friend without their knowledge. Kelly asked this friend if everything was okay between them and they responded saying they felt a little shitty because they were being intentionally left out. after that, kelly blew up in the gc. she was so angry she left the gc. at this point, she didn’t know who in the fc had told this person about it and i was so scared that i literally prayed before i could message her to tell her that it was me. That night was so scary to me that i honestly don’t remember how the conversation ended, but we managed to patch things up by the end of it.

I recently found out from said friend that kelly knew it was me all along, which can only mean kelly pretended not to know to test if i’d really tell her or not?

this person eventually just cut me out of their life all together simply to avoid kelly. which meant i ended up losing someone who was becoming a really good friend. [SCREENSHOT THREE]. 

one time there was a plot involving my character’s family member. a plot, which was kelly’s idea, where ace’s muse would die. he was my muse’s twin brother. this plot was huge and i started trying to plan the aftermath cause my character would obviously be affected. only the closer it got to the plot happening they kept changing what would happen. one day he would for sure die. the next he wasn’t going to. etc. when it was set in stone he was gonna die i began plotting with other people based on this huge event that was going to happen

but then last minute they changed their minds and he wasn’t going to die but be in a coma. i don’t remember what my reaction was really but kelly didn’t like it and she messaged me angrily accusing me of trying to make everything about my muse and make ace feel bad about not wanting to kill her character. she said something about how i already had all these other plots and i was being selfish. i apologized and explained i was more than okay with micah living and that i just was upset cause i already planned things in advance but i could easily alter stuff to fit the new plot. at the end of that conversation i think i was more upset about how she approached me about the situation than the situation itself.

that’s something that can be said about all of the situations above. it was never what kelly was upset about that made me feel shitty. it was how she chose to talk to me about it. constantly it felt like when she came to me with an issue she was having that she’d either use ace against me to make me feel like not one, but two of my closest friends were mad at me or she’d come in with an energy where it felt like i was guilty until proven innocent. it wasn’t a conversation between friends trying to solve a problem. it was like defending yourself to a judge until the judge decided that you weren’t at fault or at the very least gave them the answers they wanted from you.

none of this stuff is really in order and i can’t be sure when this incident occurred but kelly apparently said horrible things about me and our friend to a person she invited to join a group we were all admining together. i didn’t find out about this until literally today after i already started answering this ask. [SCREENSHOT FOUR], [SCREENSHOT FIVE], [SCREENSHOT SIX]

i also witnessed kelly be unfairly judgmental over someone who joined one of our groups as her wanted connection. the closer i got to this person the more critical kelly grew of her and how she played the character. to the point where the girl could feel her hostility and constantly sent me messages inquiring what she had done wrong to make kelly hate her. [SCREENSHOT SEVEN]

eventually i decided to open a group with this person, lana, and another girl i’d gotten close to toward the end of the group i was admining with kelly & ace. 

this is what led to my breaking point. friends have disagreements. they have fights. and everything up until that point i easily got over because we always managed to resolve the issue and see where the other was coming from. but this fight wasn’t like the others. i had never ever in my life ever felt so hopeless and like nothing i could say would calm her down or make her see things from my side. she came in guns blazing in a way i’d never witnessed before. to the point where i literally got sick and threw up. all while being on a call with my fellow admins who were lost at what to do to help me. i’ve lived with anxiety my whole life but that night was when i had my first full blown panic attack. [SCREENSHOT EIGHT],[SCREENSHOT NINE].

after that i confided in ace. our mutual close friend. i said something about how i couldn’t understand how she handled when kelly got mad at her like this so well because i was falling part. i apologized for seeing the way kelly treated her and never saying anything about it cause i understood how it felt now. i want to say at this point ace was genuinely trying to comfort me and calm me down. she gave me advice. she said give kelly some time. even though kelly told me that ace was upset/mad at me too ace was being so kind and understanding and hearing me out. then, the scripted flipped. i dont know what was said between her and kelly but suddenly ace was against me as well. i was accused of trying to come inbetween them. and i distinctly remember being called childish for being upset about the fight in the first place which hurt me even more (i would provide ss for this too but i cant find them]. ace unfriended me on skype. i never responded to kelly’s last message. and we didn’t really talk for a year or so. 

we ended up letting bygones be bygones and accepted kelly into the revamp of the exact group she had been mad at me for opening. it was my honest intention to rekindle our friendship and leave everything in the past but i couldn’t go back to seeing kelly the way i used to. i couldn’t help, but feel like everything she said or did was suspicious due to our history. evidently, i wasn’t over what had happened between us and i still let her into my life again because i genuinely wanted to fix things. for stuff to go back to the way it used to be! and for a while we were all really good at pretending like it was but kelly would consistently do stuff that would drain me. mostly it just felt like once again i wasn’t allowed to have friends outside of her. she and ace always found something bad to say about the people lana and i were close to. 

kelly would constantly message me being “worried” about “stepping on toes” even after i would tell her over and over again that these girls had nothing against her. she accused one of sending her anon hate but provided no proof. after opening a group they accused the same girl and our close friend tee (who were both admining with us) of being competitive and bubble rping on the dash even though it had been ONE DAY. 

ace blindsided me one night asking if i was available for a call only to go on a tangent about these new friends. attempting to gaslight me by saying i was being “bulldozed” and how they knew i was so sweet and trying to make everyone happy and that these people were “taking advantage of me” it got so overwhelming that i literally sent lana sos messages cause i didnt know what to say or how to react until she joined the call to give me some sort of back up. ultimately that was what made me distance myself. it genuinely felt like even though kelly claimed to have changed we were still having the same problems. her approach was different but underneath the issues were the same. 

i spent a year finding my own path in the rpc instead of following her down hers and when we were reunited it felt like i was expected to fall back into place. to be the same girl who took her at her word and had blind loyalty. when i wasn’t that girl i felt like i was being manipulated into trying to become that girl again. i couldn’t do it anymore so i stopped responding to her messages. i have so many good memories with kelly. so many late night laughs. inside jokes. beautiful muses and plots and characters we created that i still look fondly back on, but i also know that she made me feel helpless, dumb. it messed with my head, made me question my own judgement, and brought out a side of me that i didn’t like. one that was paranoid, anxious, and desperate for her approval. she wasn’t a terrible person to me but sometimes she made me feel terrible and ultimately that’s why we’re not friends

#Anonymous #&&. answered #this is long #sorry #also a lot of this if from a loooong time ago #but its being brought up because sometimes just because something was a long time ago doesn't mean that it doesnt still hurt #so i'm just gonna say that now #since i know a lot of people are gonna be like 'why bring up old stuff'

[theboardwalkbody]

That’s me (in my nursing cap because it’s my most recent photo and capping ceremony was cancelled so I took pics in my house to send to nursing school buddies instead): Amanda - meme - Manda 28 NJ Tired AF And bored so I am answering this Ask Meme I found by @myautisticjournal​

What music have you discovered or listened to lately?

I’ve been listening to my Recently Added playlist on iTunes. Only “recently added” has been adjusted to include the last 28 months. lol But I did discover Blinding Lights by The Weeknd and that song’s been making me happy. Hurricane (Reimagined) by I Prevail has hit me in the Depress and next week The Used’s new album comes out so I’m waiting for that.

Have you made any new playlists since quarantine times? If they’re on Spotify, maybe drop a link?

I haven’t made any Quarantine Playlists because ALL my music is about being isolated and depressed anyway that like... what’s the difference? 

Make a three-song-minimum playlist of songs that make you happy!

Blinding Lights // The Weeknd (also makes me think of Data because I discovered it around the same time I started watching TNG so now they Go Together) Paradise Lost // The Used Dance Monkey // Tones and I

What’s your go-to show that you like to binge watch? Why do you like that show?

Currently its Star Trek TNG - because Data And One Day at a Time because that shit hits real. 

Are there any shows that you‘ve been planning to start watching? Why do they interest you?

It was just Star Trek and I did start watching. Interested because I wanted originally to watch ST Picard because Harry Treadaway but having never seen any ST before it didnt make sense (obvs) so I went back and started watching TNG. I didn’t want to start with the original series because honestly my attention span is garbage and I just was always curious about Data and so I started with him.

What movie(s) always comforts you?

Twister, Forrest Gump, The Lion King (1994). I’m currently wearing Lion King pjs lol. Pirate Radio is a relaxing feel good movie, too. 

Are you an arts-and-crafts person? If so, what types of art/craft do you enjoy?

I try SO HARD to be lol. So far during quarantine I’ve tried crochet, I’ve tried making string bracelets as if it was 2005 and I was in 8th grade again but I forgot how to make them and my brain refuses to re-learn its too full of music, nursing school, and data now. I tried coloring and lost patience. I have been working on a Quarantine Photo-Journal. Every day I post a tiny update and a few pictures (mostly memes since i cant leave the house and several Data photos lolololol) but my printer isn’t working right all of a sudden so I can’t print out any new pictures which I guess that one project I was really enjoying is out the window.

Do you have any planned projects to work on during self-isolation? If you’ve started any and you’re willing, share a photo of what you’re working on!

Here’s a pic of page like 3 or something lol

If you had to recommend an art or craft for people to get into, what would you recommend and why?

Man. Just do what makes you happy. I saw someone on TikTok making GIANT ass Worms on Strings and honestly. Pure genius. 

What are your favorite YouTube channels? Why do you like them?

Achievement Hunter. Rooster Teeth. Markiplier. They make the funny. Various ASMR channels. They make the sleep.

What is the weirdest YouTube video you’ve ever watched?

Conspiracy Theory videos probably. I don’t really know. 

Recommend a book or book series to read!

Across the Universe trilogy by Beth Revis read it and fangirl with me I am so alone.

Are there any books that you’ve read multiple times? If you could re-read a book that you loved as if it were the very first time, what book would you choose?

The Islander by Cynthia Rylant. I don’t know why but the first time I read it it just transported me into the middle of it and it was amazing (I was like 11) and it was so mysterious and everything. I’d like to read that one like the first time. Also Living Hell by Catherine Jinks did a similar thing 

What’s your favorite book genre? Why do you enjoy it?

Science Fiction. Because I like science. and Fiction and space and robots and things. 

If you were to write a fanfiction about your own life, how would it go?

LOL The tags would be like : #depression #anxiety #ptsd #childhood abuse #adulthood abuse #i miss having sex but at least i dont wanna die #except i still do #twsuicideideation #badluck #dontread lol

What’s the best fanfiction that you’ve ever read (or the top three if you can’t choose just one )? What about it made an impression on you?

My brain hurts too much to pick a top three but I will say I am currently reading May I by @ladyfogg​ and it’s been giving me the squishy feels and I am loving it and ya’ll should read it. Her OC is relatable and also inspiring and I think at this point I don’t need to mention Data anymore. (But I did). 

Do you listen to podcasts? What kind of podcasts do you listen to?

Off Topic podcast and used to listen to RT podcast when Burnie was still on. IDK what kind of podcast that is other than ‘usually wild’ 

If you could make your own podcast, what would it be about and who would you invite to make a guest appearance?

It would be about anything and everything. I’d invite anyone for an appearance lol

Are you addicted to Animal Crossing: New Horizons? If yes, what’s your favorite thing about it so far?

Yes. My favorite thing has to be CUBE. CUBE I LOVE CUBE. I WOULD DIE FOR CUBE.

If you had to recommend ONE video game, what would it be and why?

Cube. I mean, Animal Crossing. 

Have you tried any new recipes lately? If yes (and if they were good), share it with the class! I’m sure everyone is as bored with the same old foods as I am by this point.

I am too lazy to cook even when I want to so I always end up getting take out or delivery. 

What is your favorite website to waste time on? (Is it, perhaps, tumblr?)

Tumbebells. (Tumblr yes)

How are you finding ways to stay connected with your friends and family? From video calling to playing online games, what would you say has worked the best for you?

Nothing. I’m sitting here wallowing in deep loneliness and it’s killing me. It’s just my grandma and my cat and that’s why I can’t go out or work (I am a Patient Care Associate and I know the hospitals could use help but my grandma is 83 years old and it’s too high of a risk for her for me to be working in a hospital and coming home from there). 

If you have pets, first of all share some photos! Second, how have you been spending your time with them?

LOLA. L-O-L-A LOLA. LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LOLA She doesn’t leave me alone. Her new trick has been LAUNCHING her 7lb body on to my back while I’m standing and pretending she’s my goddamn backpack. And earlier today she decided to pull the socks out of my sock drawer. Because she loves me. 

Share your general quarantine experience so far. How are you handling it?

Bad. I often forget to take my meds, we’ve been on “spring break” from nursing school this week so I have 0 sense of time and no routine and I’ve sometimes been going to bed at 4am, sometimes 4pm, sleeping until like 9-11 regardless and I spend 95% of the day in bed. I can’t be bothered to change, sometimes can’t be bothered to really eat, and I care 0% about showering and Doing Anything. lol 

I mean it’s been great guys. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba I’m lovin’ it!

I did somehow loose 2lbs without trying tho. That’s a total of 7.8lbs lost since March. Only 125 more to go BUT THE GYM IS CLOSED AND IT HAS BEEN COLD AND RAINING.

I’ll shut up.

I tag @lyrslair​, @ladyfogg​ @datalaur​ and anyone else who sees this and wants to do it even tho its really long and I fucked up the layout so instead of 25 questions they’re ALL NUMBER 1. lol 

[depressionbelikeamanda]

Just felt i should start writing cause nobody would understand the way i do. So a letter to my future self.

It’s funny how depression is seeing like something that's just in your mind, no one treats depression like a broken arm, or an injury but ‘’try to think good things’’.

Nice to meet you, my name is Amanda, I’m 22 years old, a brazilian girl currently living in Ireland, working as a caregiver, doing IT, trying to survive my mental condition everyday, trying really hard by the way…

I’m not writing so people can see this, but because i need a place to express myself and not being judge. Maybe not even this, but a place that i can just write everything I’m feeling.

I don’t think most of people can understand what it is to have depression, anxiety or some mental problem, maybe because they are too busy with their lifes, maybe they just dont give a shit, maybe they way they were raised was so though they just don’t want to accept that people can have mental problems, or maybe smth else that i cant think right now. But yeah, everybody has their own reasons to not believe this is a real thing, but what can we do right? Even though there are many people struggling with depression, others mental problems, and studies that proves it’s real and we are not making this up, people still think it’s nothing, it’s just something that we can just turn to happy thoughts,  right? If you can’t see the problem it means there is NO problem. 

Anyway, I started writing this because I’m literally in the middle of a mental breakdown but (not saying the company i work for) the person who’s in the emergency line of my company doesn’t give a shit for mental health. 

Is it fair that I called 2 hours before my shift starts that I was in the middle of a depression crisis? 

NO

Is it fair that she needs to find someone to cover me in this short period of time?

NO

But I dont think it’s fair with myself as well that i have to work while I’m crying, feeling I’m gonna faint, vomit, that I’m feeling so weak my stomach is hurting, that I can’t barely breathe (No, it’s not corona cause i did the test and it was negative), that I have to cycle to EACH client even though I’m feeling all these things and I can literally fall from the bike, that I wasn’t taking my depression/anxiety medicines cause I didnt have enough money to pay for my medicines cause i dont even have money to pay my own rent (at least my friend gave me some so i dont have to freak out for some time). Yeah, I’m not working that much since when the pandemic started, used to work 43/45 hours per week and now I’m working just 23. I have my rent, bils, food, medicines, student loan… but as the emergency woman said ‘’you can’t stay without your medicines, it’s not that expensive, around 10 euros.’’, but i paid 36 and yeah, it’s not a lot of money, but for a student who has to pay everything by my own, it’s not working as much as I used to, don’t have money to pay my rent, food, imagine medicines… so, it’s just 36 euros, i’d love if someone could pay my medicines, i’d love if I could get strangers medicines, but I dont even have money to pay my medicines, imagine to pay the doctor AGAIN, and then start paying more for a medicine that right now I dont even have money to pay the ‘’normal’’ one. (Idk if it makes sense in English, cause not my first language, anyway). And I’m here in my client’s house waiting her to finish her conversation with her daughter so i can start working, my shift starts at 17:00 and it’s already 17:26, and i have to make her tea, smth to eat, wash the dishes when she finishes, but yeah, at least i dont have to talk with her cause im feeling so sick, my face is so huge right now cause i couldnt stop crying, I took 3 medicines to get better to finish this day but idk if is helping or making worse cause i wanna vomit so bad that idk whats happening. 

Anyway, i finished my client and called my friend so he could help me to sort this out before i go to my next client at 20:00, he was teaching me how to breath so i can calm down, it worked a bit not even thought i was feeling tralking with someone who really knows and the best thing is that shes a psychologist, so I called her, i was crying like hell, explained everything that happened and she said that (not exactly in these words) i need to get help from a psychiatrist cause I’m always gonna have smth going on if i don’t get help, and as she said ‘’Headache, sore throat, depression crisis, that all these things that i have/feel is connected to my mental health…’’. I’m feeling so lonely and disappointed after she said this cause I know that ny mental health is because of my emotions 99% of times, but it’s dont think my sore throat was caused because im feeling sad. Two weeks ago when i felt my throat hurting I was pretty ok, I haven’t stoped with the medication at that time cause i still had it, and I was pretty ok actually, I just reported to the office cause when i got the virus for the first time the first symptoms i had was sore throat, and i dont have this often, like, in over 2 years i just had 3 times, the first time was tonsillitis, the second was because i got the virus, the third was two weeks ago and i still dont know what it was, cause i felt a bit strange so i reported because i thought it might be the virus, cause it was exactly what i felt before, so i did the covid test and it was negative so i know it wasnt the virus, but i didnto go to any doctor because as I said in the beginning of the text i dont have money to pay my rent, my medicines, I DO NOT HAVE MONEY TO SEE WHY MY THROAT IS HURTING, so i still dont know what it was, but i got throat medicines from my friend and then got better, so maybe smth like tonsillitis but not that strong cause tonsillitis feels worse than what i felt, anyway, coming back to 2 weeks ago, i just reported because I was afraid that it could be the virus and my clients were in dangerous, but now that i know how she feels about myself (even though it can be true) I won’t report any other symptom (she works in my company office), not cause im trying to get attention, cause no one is reading this, but myself, but cause i feel that the company doesnt take me serious. Anyway, I just wont report anything anymore, I just hope i don’t get anything that i can spread to my clients cause i do love them, and i care for them more than for myself, cause i dont give a shit if i die because of the virus, or anything, but if if my clients get this because of me id never forgive myself. Anyway, it’s just sad that a friend and a psychologist thinks that cause my emotions i have sore throat and headache and i’m not able to work because of THESE. Normally I’m not able to work for good reasons, I’m always honest with my company, I could totally pretend i felt from my bike so I couldnt work, I could give a really good excuse to not work, but instead i said the truth, cause i couldnt get my medicines cause I’m not working that much so i dont have money to pay anything and i was having an abstinence crisis and I was shaking, feeling vomiting, dizzying… anyway… Unfortunately people can’t understand whats happening with others cause they are not others, and even if we try hard we could never understand, unless we’re going through the same. The only thing we can do is support who we love, even if it doesnt make any sense for us, because for them it does.

[seungmines]

tutor au | dance instructor minho

lee minho was the fuckboy of your university

and everybody knew that!!!

except for you (u just thought he was hot <3___<3)

so when you decided you wanted to switch your major to dancing

your best friend woojin was like

“NO!! Y/N WHY WOULD YOU EVEN CONSIDER-?”

and u were like ?? i love to dance ?? let me dance william ??

since you were a first year, you had no idea about any of the students at ur uni or ANYTHING

so you’re all excited the day before your first class and even more excited that a student usually led the class

since teachers gave you big anxiety and it’d probably be easier talking to a Fellow Peer.

u were wrong.

the next day, u were getting ready for class and as usual, woojin stopped by ur dorm with coffee like the perfect angel he is but he was in a Very sour mood that morning

“wake up on the wrong side of the bed, princess?”

“SH- SHUT UP!!! i’m nervous for you today :(“

and ur heart is like :( aw william its ok :( but ur brain was like

“what’s the big idea with this class anyway? why are u so stressed out??”

“minho is the student teacher”

“ok”

“OK!!! SO BE CAREFUL”

and ur like: i’m More than capable of taking care of myself <3 minho ain’t shit

yeah No

when you walked into that class On That Fateful Day.

minho’s eyes were the first ones on you and Boy were you flustered when he smiled at you

and

OH GOD HE’S WALKING TOWARDS U

good luck homie ur gonna need it.

you were so zoned out that when he was like “hey!!!” you didn’t hear him

so like any normal human being, minho yelled a Nice Loud “YAH!” which caught the attention of the whole class including yourself

all the girls were like >:( no Lee Know look at ME!! >:( but he was like

“are you y/n switched majors, right? hope you can keep up.”

minho then moves in front of the class and starts the warm ups

and u were like ??? I DONT KNOW ANY OF THESE ???

so u start stretching the way you normally did at home before you’d dance

which earned you some dirty looks but you didn’t understand Why

to make a long and tiring story short, your first class kicked your ass.

so when you were headed towards the door, you were stopped by None Other Than Lee Minho

“saw you struggling today.”

“yeah, i didn’t know you’d be right in the middle of learning a dance.. i feel so dumb switching majors because criminology was so much easier and i-”

“why don’t you come to the studio tomorrow night? i can help you learn if you want.”

and he was so confident you were going to say yes

because he’s lee minho and nobody really rejects him

but you heard woojins Annoying Ass in the back of your head

so you kindly said no and instead asked for a video of the dance for reference so you could practice later

which he gave you but not without bothering you

“are you sure you don’t want my help tomorrow night?”

“it’s easier with help from a real person, you know.”

“what, you don’t like me?”

you had to admit that saying no to him was Really hard because he was so captivating but you also knew that woojin would have an actual heart attack over you spending time with lee minho at Night.

so when u got home to ur small dorm and made urself some nice cheap chicken flavored ramen, there was BANGING ON UR DOOR and ur like O____O WHO THE FUKC

but don’t worry it’s just woojin <3

but woojin brought his friend w him and was like “hey <3 we were in the neighborhood.”

and u were like Woojin U Live Two Doors Down From Me but his friend was lowkey cute so u just shut up rlly quick ok.

woojin was like >:D this is my friend, CHRIS.

chris was really sweet to u and stuff and woojin was like nudging him the whole time they were over which made u suspicious but you’d bring it up to him later

“so how was your first day of class?”

“GOD SO. i zoned out when i first walked in, you know like how i always zone out, and Lee Minho Walked Up To Me and yelled and got my attention and all the girls in that class were so judgy, woojin i wanted to DIE. and then!!!! after class fucking minho walks up to me and asks if i want to practice with him tomorrow night-”

and woojin cut u off right there and threw himself at ur feet

“PLEASE TELL ME U SAID NO”

“i did.. why?”

chris who was watching you vent about minho in amazement was like

“that’s how he gets you, most girls never actually Practice with him.”

and the dots connected in your head and you were like WOW ARE U KIDDING

you felt really gross after that

why were men so GROSS

“men disgust me… no offense.. or Full Offense if you pick up girls like that..”

chris was like “if it was ME-”

and woojin was like “ME AND CHRIS HAVE TO GO NOW BYE Y/N” and fucking left while chris was mid sentence

so you cleaned up your Tiny dorm and practiced stretching like how they did in the class that day and then watched the video minho gave you to reference which OF COURSE was a video of him dancing

and boy were you fascinated with how good he was

but you got a lot of the dance down that night.

after ur shower u got into ur bed and chris followed u on instagram and u were like

wait.

waaaaaaait.

so ur thumbs went to work texting woojin like “what the fuck”

“did u like chris :D”

“am i that single that u have to set me up with your friends?”

“no.. maybe… he LIKES u…”

“whatever.”

so then you text chris who opens your message immediately and is like

“there’s a party at my frat tomorrow night <3 wanna be my date”

and ur like Not really. but u reply with “sure!!” and ok

wow so u got a date

but u know whos a frat boy?

Lee Know.

but u didnt know that

the next day you didn’t have a lot of work to do so you just!! practiced some more and chilled out until you had to get ready for the ~party~ and it was your first!! university party!! so you went ALL OUT and you looked like a FREAKIN SNACK

and chris was late picking you up but you told him it was okay

and things were fine

but woojin wasn’t there and he was always there whenever you were drinking

like your own lookout and that made you a little hesitant to drink at first but chris Insisted and you gave in

turns out minho was watching the whole scene

yeah okay he had a girl on his arm

but thats another story

it turns out that chris wasn’t as sweet as you thought he was

this became news to minho when his date uttered something like “another day, another helpless girl- that poor thing.”

and minho was like HUH?!!?!?!

and she explained how chris would get girls drunk and take advantage of them

minho didn’t like that

one.

bit.

you were on the verge of being completely wasted when chris asked if he could take you home which you said yes to immediately because you didn’t want to embarrass yourself while being drunk

but as you were being led out of the frat house, minho was leaning against the frame of the entrance

!!!!! wtf RENO?!?!

chris was like -____- what do u want

nd minho was like ? duh im taking y/n home?

u nd chris were like: BITCH- NO.

you don’t remember exactly what happened but the boys exchanged words and before you knew it, you seen chris being tackled to the ground and minho was goin AT IT BRO

and you were like wtf!!!!!!!!!!!

seeing the fight made you sober up a bit and honestly to be honest, minho was losing

w his stupid ass

chris got tired of beating his ASS and stood up, nodded at you and made a gross remark about you before walking away

and minho tried to get up and fight him again but he was WHOOPED

so you let him take you home

and cleaned up his face and knuckles

and made up the couch for him because he was exhausted and you figured he deserved to rest here since he DID stand up for you and save you from god knows what chris was going to do

but he was still minho the fuckboy

and woojin, barging into your dorm at the crack ass of dawn, was VERY unhappy to see mr Lee Know.

“hey y/n i brought coffee- WHAT THE FUCK.”

“morning, princess.”

and u forgot minho was on ur couch until u looked at him sleeping peacefully- nd he looked like a FUCKING ANGEL!!!

you then explained the situation that happened last night and woojin was like “it really be ur own people.”

no but woojin was really upset bc he adored u and didn’t want anything bad to happen to u

and blamed himself for not going to the party w you

your lil moment was interrupted when minho Rose and his shirt? gone!

so there he STOOD in just his sweatpants and man did he look like a SNACK

“am i interrupting something?”

“NO!” u said

“YES!” woojin said

minho jus smirked at u and put his shirt on, meeting ur eyes as u stared

but CAN I BLAME U? NO, HES A SNAKC!!!

anyway minho thanked u for letting you crash there and said he would see u later for class

BECAUSE OYU HAD CLASS!!! WITH MINHO AGAIN TODAY

woojin was like “-____- maybe i should come to class w you”

and u were like “william baby girl,,.. No”

woojin still doesn’t know why you call him william

you drank coffee and spilled tea w your bff as usual

and then it was time to get ready for class

nd woojin chilled on ur bed while u went and showered

in the shower you couldn’t stop thinking ab minho!!!

his stupid pretty eyes nd his stupid pretty EVERYTHING!!

you zoned out and woojin had to yELL to bring u back to earth

anyway you got ready and put a lil bit of effort into ur look! bc u were gonna see minho.. its really gross of u but thats FINE

imagine being a het :/

so class was torture like not as bad as before but it was like minho made things way harder jus to piss you off

after class, he didn’t approach you and you wanted to thank him for the previous night.. you know, sober.

so you walked up to him and he looked a Lil flustered but quickly covered it up and let a look of amusement spread across his features

“miss me already?”

“i just wanted to thank you for last night.. i still don’t know how to like.. show my appreciation!!”

minho was looking at u and u looked like an angel to him and he HATED it.

he had a class full of girls who were basically in Love with him but he was drawn to you only and it made him MAD!!!

“it’s whatever~ don’t worry about it.”

and u were like bet! bye!

and turned around and started to walk away

“wait!”

you spun around and he was Right there

“let me buy you food at least… i seen the lack of it in your dorm.”

the lights in the dance studio were dim and the only light that was coming in through the windows was the dulled brightness of the sun setting

all of the lights and colors hit your face perfectly

what a perfect opportunity, you know?

minho leaned in and before you knew it, you were leaning in too.

it was like you were both sent into a frenzy when your lips met each other

but nothing went too far because when minho tried to reach up your shirt

woojin barged into the studio and was like >:(!!!!!

but the three of u laughed it off nd yea!

btw woojin is so gay, but every1 thinks ur the love of his life

and u ARE!!

platonically

but romantically? woojin has a bf

and now so do u!!

nd yea everyone was doubtful bc it was Minho.. the FUCKBOY OF UR UNI

but you made him big happy!!! and he helped you dance

and fed you whenever you were hungry

and rarely ever slept at the frat house since he was always in your bed

every single night

clinging to u

its so CUTE!!

im happy for u <3

#lee minho #lee know #lee minho imagine #lee know imagine #stray kids au #lee minho x reader #lee know x reader #woojin!! #kim woojin #stray kids x reader #stray kids #tutor au #bang chan #chris bang #christopher bang #i made chris an asshole #im sorry BABY GIRL!! #fuckboy!minho #dance line #stray kids dance line

[sarinataylor]

Reverse blind date Joger where someone deliberately stands Roger up to teach him a lesson because he is such a player and John watching from the bar realises he is upset

oooooh ok. ok. ok

so roger is like. he’s got a rep around campus? it’s not necessarily a bad one per say, but. he’s pretty and he’s confident and yeah, he dates a lot. bc roger is a secret romantic tbh ok

not like freddie’s a romantic though. like freddie wants to fall in love and then never ever ever break up with the person he falls in love with because he wants to buy a house and forty cats with them. like freddie genuinely believes he’s incomplete without someone to love and be loved by in return which roger thinks is Super Unhealthy

so roger’s not romantic like that. roger just…. enjoys the excitement of  first date? getting to know someone, letting them get to know you, enjoying those first flushes of could-be-love. roger even somewhat likes when things start to fall apart bc there’s beauty in that too. there’s something beautiful in being able to recognise that you’re not right for another.

so he dates a lot. which, again, isn’t a bad thing. he doesn’t date for the sake of dating? he just. if there’s someone he finds interesting or attractive or funny? he’ll ask them out. 

(this is how he met brian who awkwardly agreed and then blurted out half way through dinner that he was straight, he just didn’t know how to say no. they stay for the whole meal and end up somehow being like… best friends by the end of it.)

(a lot of roger’s friends are people he’s dated in the past, actually)

but yanno for every sort of ex that you’re on good terms with there’s gonna be someone you’re. decidedly not. and ok, rog will be the first? (maybe second actually, freddie will generally be the first) to admit that he’s sometimes not the most….. tactful at breaking off some of the more casual dating he does

like he doesnt ghost on actual relationships but there’s…. there’s definitely some ghosting that’s gone down in the past. some very early cases where he wasnt very clear on the non-exclusive nature of the dating??? 

he was young(er) and stupid okay he has like. a comprehensive set of rules now (a. establish that dates are not exclusive unless explicitly discussed, as all major relationship developments should be. b. no fucking the people you date unless you’re interested in an Actual Relationship bc it blurs lines!!!!! it confuses ppl!!!!!! c. if someone has a rep as a clinger listen to that reputation instead of their insightful analysis in class. the reputation precedes interesting dinner conversation. every. time.)

(brian is like???? have u heard YOUR reputation???? and roger is like well yeah but. no one calls me clingy, do they? which brian has to concede that, no, they decidedly do not.)

BUT the important thing to note here is that roger dates a lot of people because he genuinely enjoys dating people, he enjoys getting to know people. he asks out people who he finds interesting for some reason or another. he’s not offended when people say no, like. that’s fine. 

but yeah. he gets stood up. 

which? it’s like. the first time it’s ever happened. and it’s embarrassing. like, if they weren’t interested he would have preferred they just said. but it’s fine? like. he’ll just. eat on his own. that’s fine, he’s not too bothered though he does wish that they’d like. messaged him to let him know they were standing him up so he could have ordered earlier instead of waiting half an hour

but then they Do message him. a catty message along the lines of “now you know how it feels to be let down. maybe you’ll think before you do it to someone else again” and That upsets him because… he’s never stood anyone up???? would never intentionally leave someone waiting????? and he’s Grown Up since his first year of uni where he ghosted people like. he’s really upfront nowadays but he just sort of. starts spiralling a little bit sat at the table gulping down red wine like???? fuck???????

a fun mix of anger that this was clearly something this person PLANNED and also anxiety that maybe he’s been doing this to people this whole time and he just never noticed???? he’s an Awful Person and he just. didn’t know. 

(which like. the sheer amount of his ex-dates, ex-fucks, and straight up exes that are still friends with him sort of implies that this is not the case? one of his exes is getting married in six months and he’s one of the groomsmen somehow like.)

and JOHN is sitting at the bar. like he’s waiting for his roommate to finish her shift so they can head home together but her shift’s been extended so he’s just. hanging out. eating complimentary bar nuts and being slipped sneaky beers by the on floor manager. and he’d noticed roger walk in, roger had ta’d one of his classes a year or so back and he knows his rep, and he’d sort of been looking forward to watching The Master At Work

like. he was gonna take notes so that he and ronnie (roommate, obvs) could laugh about it when they got home

(roger totally asked ronnie out once. she didn’t even answer, just walked away. she was annoyed at how charming the sound of him laughing as she did so was. she sort of hates him that “he’s never done anything to me and everyone i know who knows him says he’s a nice bloke BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT” kind of way)

but uh. yeah. he’s been stood up. 

and john’s like….. damn. like, he wouldn’t even stand roger taylor up. he’s always been kind of glad that roger’s never asked him out, and never will bc…. he’s p boring and not like ronnie or brian or anyone else roger’s dated, bc he knows he’d say yes and then ronnie would never let him live it down. not ever. 

and like he seems to be rolling with it? he orders himself a bottle of wine and an appetiser which has john like Damn the man be RICH

(the man be decidedly NOT rich and is definitely not going to be able to pay for the bus for the next week now he’s spending his “extra” money on bottles of wine rather than the glass or two he had planned to buy. but whatever, he can walk it. not to mention splurging on the bread platter instead of the bruschetta. he’s been stood up, okay??? if there was ever a time to eat All Of The Carbs and wash it down with two bottles of wine, this would be it)

and then after like one glass? of wine? he just seems to sort of curl in on himself???? and he seems genuinely upset???? like he’s tapping sort of frantically on his phone and he didnt even say thank you to the waiter who brought over his Bread Palooza and john doesnt know him well but. he never seemed the kind of guy who wouldnt thank wait staff okay?????

and before he can even stop himself he’s trailing over there, bar nuts in hand, and awkwardly standing next to the table silently. 

and roger is like distractedly not even looking up from stuffing bread into his mouth and texting freddie who isn’t responding which means, he guesses, that he didn’t get stood up on his date tonight. bully for him. so roger’s like yeah thanks mate not ready to order my main yet. 

and john’s like…. uh. ok. and just thrusts the bar nuts he’s had in his hand for like. ten minutes under his nose like you look sad, do you want a nut?

and roger looks up and just sort of blinks at him for a long moment before bursting out laughing like yes yes i would like a nut, thanks, john

which has john flustered bc a) he’s a MORON oh my god “do you want a nut”??????? what is he????? he wants to DIE and also b) roger. remembers his name?????????

so john stammers out an apology, explains he’s waiting for ronnie (”ronnie…. oh, uh, you probably don’t remember who she is, she’s-” – “your roommate, right? i forgot she was a waitress here, actually. how is she?” – “….. she’s good. sorry, how do you know she’s my roommate?”)

which leads to roger inviting him to sit down as a family of four tries to move past him, but can’t because he’s making a bottleneck in the aisle

so john. sits. bar nuts still in hand. 

(knees weak, hands sweaty, restaurant’s bar nuts. would the real slim shady please stand up?)

and roger’s just hella casual like “yeah just got stood up bc im an awful person, how u been”

and john’s like uh technically i asked for none of that information 

and the waiter comes and interrupts as roger sort of just blinks at him bc john is Not The Best at unplanned social interaction. like john approached him??? but ok. and the waiter is like um? hi john? given up on waiting for ronnie to finish?

as roger slam dunks his last glass of wine 

and john is sort of like ohw ell. this guy used to be my ta and he looked sad because he’s been stood u- oh my god, im so sorry

and roger is just. you know what? this has been fun. i’ve really enjoyed the multiple levels of abject humiliation that i have endured tonight but i think i’m going to cut it short and just chucks  thirty quid on the table like thanks (to the waiter) and good luck with the, uh, engineering? degree, i think? (to john)

who is bewildered bc how the fuck does he remember what degree im doing from the round of fucking ice breakers we did in the first tutorial of a class i took LAST YEAR 

(roger’s party trick is remembering like. everything about ppl. you know in that way that really popular people have where somehow they can remember that your second cousin twice removed got married three years back, despite not seeing you since a month before the wedding, and they’re asking how it was using the NAMES of the bride and groom (who. they’ve never met) and you’re like??????? i fuckin forgot the grooms name what the FUCK. i hate these people with a passion. nice people? the worst. john feels much the same as i do)

and before he can even say anything roger has just…. slunk off into the night. leaving him with the waiter who is quite happy about the ten pound tip, and a hand full of bar nuts. 

anyway roger goes home to cry at brian who is like. ur not a bad person, people just….. come to conclusions about ur behaviour based on the exaggerated experiences of others. but u also WERE sort of a dick when u were 18, but so is…. like every 18 year old so i honestly just wouldn’t torture myself ab it so neither should u

(a boldfaced LIE. this conversation leads brian to spend the entire night staring at his ceiling and reliving that one time he forgot to say thanks to the bus driver when he was 16. the bus driver hates him, he knows. also he used to have super unacknowledged misogynistic and racist unconscious biases that had been pounded into him by society and he’s still trying to rectify that and????? oh GOD)

 and the next day, after he’s been convinced that he’s not the scum of the earth by brian, he rocks up outside of john’s class (which he abuses his access to the university database for the first and last time to find – he also tells john he did this immediately bc he’s like SO I PROBABLY CROSSED A BOUNDARY BUT IT WAS THIS OR STALK RONNIE AT WORK UNTIL SHE GAVE IN AND I THINK THAT WOMAN HATES ME i see her glaring all the time and idk why) and totally asks him out because…. well, he was interesting, wasn’t he?

#Anonymous #this is LONG #joger hc's #headcanon asks

[thehyperkraken]

EDIT: yall idk why the actual fic isnt showing up in the tags but this shit is, bc thats literally the opposite of what i wanted, but for the love of god read the fic first and/or instead, that’s the thing i spent more than 20 minutes on: [link]

Hey random idea dump for that one fic i done did yeehaw... it’s almost longer than the fic itself but jesus christ i need to get these ideas out of my head and throw them into the internet ether, seriously don’t read this its a goddamn mess

So ghjkdf the actual plotty part of that fic came from that one b99 bit... the Bone one.....u kno

Arthur: Come on, Dutch. The O'Driscolls thing isn't the problem. You're in a bad mood because you've been so busy planning this heist that it's keeping you and Hosea apart. You two just need to bone. John: Oh no... Dutch: ...What did you say? John: Don't say it again! Arthur: I said you two need to bone. John: Oh my god... Dutch: (with barely contained fury) Hhhhhow Dare you Arthur Morgan, I am thIS GANG'S LEADER!!! You have NO RIGHT to comment on my sex life— (5 minutes later) Dutch, standing on top of a table screaming: BONE?!?!?! (10 minutes later) Dutch: What happens in my bedroom, son, is NONE of your business— (20 minutes later) Dutch, jumping up and down on the table: BOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!! (40 minutes later) Dutch: And don't EVER speak to me like that AGAIN! (storms off) John, sunken down in his chair in horror: Why the hell did you do that? Arthur: (shrugs) They need to bone. John: Gross, Arthur! That's our dads!

And then like a day later gfdhkg

John: Oh hey Dutch! I know you don't want to talk about Hosea, BUT, I had an idea— Dutch: No need, John, it's all good. John: So... your fight with Hosea is over? Dutch: Yep. John: Because you finally figured out a plan for the heist...? Dutch: Nope! Arthur, excitedly: Because you guys—? Dutch: Yyyyep! Arthur, looking smug: Knew it. John: Ugh... Arthur: (leans down close to him) See, what happened is, our dads had sex— John: UGH, SHUT UP!

Another inspiration I had was John Mulaney’s bit about zoning out for John with adhd,,,,, the part where he’s like “the doctor was reading me the results of a blood test, it was IMPORTANT that I LISTENED, but NO, I zoned out, I was like, I’m just gonna stare at the wall and think m’thoughts” that’s why I wrote the part where John was like “ehhh attention deficient something something disease” bc it made me laugh gjhggdjh

Dutch: so the doctor says you have ADHD John: (thinking about minecraft) what?

Also unrelated but blease consider Arthur teaching John to drive like

Arthur: are you watching the road? John: ........I am looking through the windshield Arthur: John: .......and I’m not gonna hit anyone...... Arthur: John: ....but no. I’m thinkin’ about minecraft

(Also I don’t know anything about ssb I’ve played it once and hated it, minecraft is my og video game love, but Abigail beating John at ssb is funnier, I’m a fake gamer boy :^( rip)

ONE MORE INSPIRATION THAT ONE VINE ITS MY FAVORITE VINE

Arthur: are you drinking coke for breakfast? John: yeah, what did you have for breakfast? Arthur: ........nothing John: (sipping his drink) I’m doing better than you, then

Anyway onto ACTUAL IDEA STUFF HOORAY

So when Dutch and Hosea decided to adopt, they agreed they wanted to take in kids who needed good homes the most, so they were specifically looking for older kids who would probably age out of the system and wind up on the streets

They met Arthur who was a clearly depressed and gender non conforming thirteen year old who hated everyone and everything and wasn’t getting the Love he Deserved, and Dutch was like “I want THAT ONE, with the SAD EYES”

Arthur tried to push them away at first, cuz he absolutely didn’t trust anyone, and some part of him believed they’d just give him right back up for adoption if he disappointed them in any way. But he eventually learned that they were good guys who really just wanted to help him, and they weren’t gonna abandon him if he wasn’t the perfect kid they always wanted

(he probably told them about this fear eventually and Hosea just snorted and was like “if we wanted a perfect kid we woulda got a cabbage patch doll. something that wouldn’t scream or make a mess” and Dutch was like “yeah! or like a 27 year old with a job and their own house and kids of their own. pre-made grandkids” and Hosea was like “or a cat” and Arthur was like “...okay”)

Anyway it took a loooong time but Arthur eventually trusted them enough to come out to them as trans, without really knowing the proper words for everything, just knowing that He Is A Boy And That’s That. As much as Hosea is the one the lads go to to talk about stuff and get comfort and Wise Dad Advice, he probably told Dutch first bc he was more uncertain how he’d respond and he wanted to get it over with in the worst way possible.... like, if they were gonna react badly, heap all the bullshit on in one fell swoop

I imagine he did it off the cuff too, in response to something Dutch said, like Dutch was like “u get back here right now young lady” and Arthur was like “first of all I’m not a lady, I’m a BOY, and second of all FUCK you, I do what I WANT” and Dutch was like “groovy. you’re grounded.” Arthur was like (offended) “don’t say groovy... don’t try to be hip” and Dutch was like “no it’s totally tubular that ur a boy. It’s absolutely funky. You’re fucking grounded though”

Then he went and told Hosea like “congrats! it’s a boy” and they helped him transition and they didn’t tolerate a single person misgendering him the whole time. Like before he’s even begun transitioning, they’re literally at the doctors office to discuss it w/ their doc for the first time, and a nurse is like “ms. morgan?” And Dutch is like “INCORRECT” and the doctor is like “what seems to be the problem (deadname)?” and Dutch is like “FOOL! THIS CHILD WAS LABELED INACCURATELY, WE REQUIRE A GENDER RETRACTION” and Hosea’s like “please stop yelling”

Anyway probably about a year later they got John when he was ten and Arthur was fifteen. Arthur was a little bit jealous like, wow, am I not enough kid for u, but Dutch and Hosea always planned on getting at least two bc they wanted them to have siblings, and they know John came from a pretty abusive situation, so Arthur can’t be too mad at him. At least until he met John and realized what a fucking brat he is

Since John was younger and way more desperate for affection, he immediately loved Dutch and Hosea just bc they were nice to him, he was ready to call them his dads within the month but he was nervous that it was too soon and they’d be weirded out. But I imagine he got triggered by something and had a meltdown and they got to see just a glimpse of what he’d been through, and Dutch and Hosea were falling over themselves trying to comfort him and tell him they love him and now I’m making myself cry :’^(

Anyway... from that point on John was like “these are the only dads I’ve ever had and I would kill a man for them.” He gets in trouble quite a bit bc he’s Naughty, but Dutch and Hosea always make sure to punish him fairly and never yell or be physically intimidating with him or permanently take away his stuff, like they make him do chores to earn back the right to use the xbox or something. And they always explain to him exactly what he did wrong and why he’s being punished and talk to him about how he can make it better or what he can do next time, or if there’s a root problem, like he’s acting out bc he’s overwhelmed with school work or smthn, how they can help him. Especially after he gets diagnosed with ADHD

And of course they do all this with Arthur too, but they make a special concerted effort with John bc he’s The Baby :^) and Dutch somehow maintains an attitude of “idk what ur talking about, John has never done anything wrong ever in his life” every time he gets in trouble meanwhile Hosea is like “what do you MEAN, he’s a GREMLIN” fjfjfhhf

Arthur was probably diagnosed with depression and anxiety at some point... it was probably a long process to get him to even admit he had a problem bc he didnt wanna bother anyone... Arthur also probably came from an abusive situation from the way canon Arthur talks about his dad, but Arthur is much more the type to be like “i’m gonna keep all my feelings inside, and then one day, i’ll die” whereas John is like “i will SCREAM if i get a papercut”

[EDIT: i woke up in a cold sweat at 4 AM with this in my head so now i’m putting it here

Charles: So, Arthur... Do you wanna talk about your feelings? Arthur: No. John: I do! :) Charles: ...I know, John. John: I’m sad! :) Charles: I know, John.

i’m sure it’s been done before but it’s so good. ok now back to our regularly scheduled programming]

In regards to Arthur being trans, John doesn’t really Get It, Arthur tried to explain it to him once and John couldn’t care less, all he knows is Arthur used to be a girl or something, there’s tea involved probably, and John is thinking about minecraft again... he has 2 am thoughts about it sometimes and comes to Arthur like “what IS gender” and Arthur’s just like “hm. big mood”

Dutch is “Dad” and Hosea is “Papa” or “Pa” or “Pops” or “Dad, No Not You, The Other One” or “Other Dad.” Hosea really doesn’t mind at all, he wouldn’t care if the kids called him Hosea or mom or anything else, it truly isnt important to him. But Dutch Loves being Dad. Every time they call Dutch Dad he grows three times stronger and 10 years are added to his lifespan. Dutch is an Alpha Parent, he 100% goes to every parent teacher conference and bake sale, he’d go to every game and concert too if either of his kids had a single athletic or musical bone in their dumb little bodies. I guess the school probably hosts art galleries sometimes to display art the kids make, Arthur always has a drawing in one of those, and Dutch will absolutely go just to brag about his cool son.

Dutch is the Fun Energetic Dad who embarrasses the boys in front of their friends but can always be talked into taking them out to get ice cream. Hosea is the more quietly anxious dad, he makes sure they do their homework and keep their rooms clean and shit, and he's the one the kids always go to talk to when they’re having problems... like Arthur will rant for an hour and a half about high school drama and Hosea will patiently listen to all of it and when he's done he’ll offer to kick the other kids’ asses for him, and Arthur’s like lmao but Hosea Means It.

Hosea is also the one the kids go to for help on their homework because Hosea and Dutch have five brain cells between them, and four of them belong to Hosea. Dutch is like “suddenly I don’t remember basic math, time to make shit up” and Hosea is like “I must become an expert on 1820s Chinese history in two days for my beautiful sons”

I have NO idea what either of their jobs are, I wanna say Hosea is a lawyer or smthn but idk, Dutch is probably like......................a used car salesman LMAO...... they clearly make a lot of money (or maybe STOLE SOME) bc I gave them a huge house w/ a pool gjhkdhg

Anyway more about THE KIDS

They go to a school that is a combination middle school and high school, bc that’s what my school was like

Mrs. Grimshaw is the strict and irritable principal with a secret soft spot for kids, Mr. Pearson is the cafeteria cook, Strauss works in the office, I wanna say Rev. Swanson is a weird but friendly janitor or something lmao. Uncle is Dutch & Hosea’s annoying forever-drunk neighbor who everyone barely tolerates fjfjhfh

Micah is The School Bully but like bc this is a cutesy high school au and I can do what I want, he’s not actually like a violent racist or anything he’s just a bad mad sad kid who is a huge dick

Bill is Micah’s Bully Henchman, he’s generally not as much of a dick as Micah is, but he punches whoever Micah asks him to bc they are the closest thing to friends that either of them have

Trelawny is a new student who just moved from another school and he’s that fucking Weird Magician Kid who can’t hold a conversation longer than five seconds without saying “wanna see a magic trick,” tried to do some unimpressive card tricks for the school talent show, unironically wears a cape, etc.... Arthur stood up for him when he was getting pushed around by Micah and Bill so now Arthur has +1 more weird friend

Karen is the Popular Girl who somehow knows everyone, is probably a cheerleader, everyone is either extremely intimidated by her or thinks she’s gonna be a stuck up bitch, but she’s actually just super fucking chill and nice, WILL stab a man for her friends, she won’t hesitate bitch

Tilly is Karen’s bff who was getting bullied by *shakes fist* those dang foreman brothers.... Karen stood up for her and Tilly was like “no don’t u will get hurt!!” and Karen was like “ha... fool... cheerleaders cannot die” and whooped ass with her gymnastics skills and somehow got the foreman brothers expelled. So now Tilly is like “I owe u one (1) Life Debt” but Karen is like “nah it’s chill just come to target w/ me & we’ll call it even.” Tilly is just tryna get shit done and do her damn homework but everybody else is going on adventures and being nuisances so of course Tilly has to go too bc come on....... who do you take her for, some kinda two-bit GEEK? NO WAY

Mary Beth is a quiet nerdy girl who’s always reading or writing and never talks in class or anything. Karen and Tilly became her friends thru sheer brute force, Karen just sat by her one day n was like “sup” and Mary Beth was too shy to ask her to leave. They were surprised to discover Mary Beth is actually pretty nice and funny when you get to know her and also the Biggest Lesbian Alive

Sadie is a BAD BITCH... NOBODY fucks with Sadie, not even Micah, Sadie is the girl who when some dipshit boy spreads a rumor that he had sex with her, she agrees and tells everyone she pegged him and he cried after, she hasn’t given a fuck since 2007. she climbs on the roof to get lost frisbees. one time she got the gym coach to agree to give her an automatic A in the class if she did 100 push ups in 5 minutes. Then she Did That. She might have pulled several muscles in both of her arms but She Did That. Karen, Tilly, and Mary Beth (but mostly Karen) approached her like “damn that was sick” and Sadie was like “yea i know” and then they were friends

I literally don’t know anything about Sean I’m sorry...... maybe he’s a transfer student who becomes friends with John, they play Minecraft together and Sean boobytraps the houses John builds. Sean is the only living human being who understands how redstone works and he uses his powers for evil

Molly is going to a nearby community college and is working at the high school part time as a TA and she is like 19-20 or smthn so the kids all think she’s The Hottest Shit,,,, like they think she’s just the coolest hippest person alive, but also she is Very Attractive so fuckin everybody has a crush on her, most specifically Javier and Mary Beth. She ineptly tries to flirt with Dutch every time he comes to a parent teacher conference bc she’s dummy thicc and thinks it’s friendship goals that Dutch lives with and has adopted children with his Best Bud Hosea

The teacher Molly is TA for is Charles Chatenay, an all-grades art teacher who takes his job WAY too seriously, like dude chill they’re high schoolers. His class is where Arthur met Albert, bc Arthur loves drawing and obviously Albert loves photography. They were both like “wow he’s cute” but were too shy to talk to each other for more than basic pleasantries, until one day Albert’s Big Project was ruined a day or two before he was gonna turn it in, and Arthur helped him fix it.

They’re so sweet on each other it’s unbearable, they’re both Soft Boys so they fuckin blush if they make eye contact...... the most bold either of them get is when Arthur is feeling insecure about his body and Albert gladly tells him how perfect and handsome he is in every way, and he wishes he was half as gorgeous as Arthur is, and Arthur is like (offended) um, excuse me, how dare u insult my beautiful boyfriend in this way?? They both wanna grow beards so while they’re still going thru Changes they excitedly bond over their facial hair......... they run up to each other at school like LOOK AT MY NEW CHIN HAIR and the other one is like WOW!!! GOOD JOB

Javier has a big lovely family who spoil him rotten and tbh love to spoil his friends when they come over too, his parents are in a constant and devastating game of dish-gifting with Dutch & Hosea, Arthur and John have eaten more of Mr. & Mrs. Escuella’s tamales than any other food, neither Dutch nor Hosea are very good cooks but luckily Javier has plenty of aunts and uncles and cousins who are happy to occasionally take one of their unimpressive lasagnas or cakes from a box mix

Lenny’s cool dad in canon is the high school au dad of Charles and Lenny, he and Charles’s mom amicably divorced and he got remarried to Lenny’s mom, who is a Cool Stepmom to Charles. Charles and Lenny go stay with Charles’s mom all the time, in fact she was around so much when they were younger that she practically helped raise them both. maybe she gets a gf and Charles and Lenny have so many moms and are so loved & cherished like they fuCKIN DESERVE

Kieran is the weird horse girl at school, he’s Lenny’s age, they become friends when they’re forced to sit next to each other and they’re both too awkward and shy to say anything until they’re paired up on a project together bc everyone else in the class already paired up and they were the only ones left gjkhfd.... John wants to dislike Kieran bc Lenny is HIS friend now, but Kieran is a sweet lad with a mean dad.... His dad is Colm O’Driscoll, Dutch & Hosea’s other neighbor and Dutch’s sworn enemy

Dutch expects Kieran to be as shitty as his dad, but he is a SWEET BOY, and as soon as they realize his situation, they tell Kieran he can come over whenever he wants and spend the night any time, he doesn’t have to ask or anything, but Kieran is super respectful and always asks permission and always tries to come over when John or Arthur are there so he can go under the pretense of hanging out with them, bc he doesn’t wanna intrude...

Once he came over when Hosea was the only one home and he was like “hi Mr. Matthews are John and Arthur home” and Hosea was like “no sorry they’re out” and Kieran was like “oh... ok sorry I’ll just go then” and Hosea was like “absolutely not” and brought Kieran in and made him snacks and wrapped him in many blankets and watched a kids movie with him until he fell asleep on the couch... when Dutch came home he was like “??? new son ???” and Hosea was like “yea I guess. oops”

When Kieran gets older they help him become an emancipated minor and get a job and his own place (even tho he knows they’d let him stay with them if he wanted) and he changes his last name to his mom’s maiden name Duffy... Colm and Dutch glare at each other over their fences and Colm is like “enjoying stealing my son?” and Dutch is like “my son now” but Colm really doesn’t care bc he’s an asshole... and even tho they don’t legally adopt him, Kieran’s like “I’m more of a Van der Linde than an O’Driscoll” and oops i’m making myself cry again :’)

And yes Abigail does eventually teach John how to play stupid super smash bros. She’s Pro Gamer level of competent at nearly all video games and John has the biggest heart eyes for her, the end thank u for listening

#the suffering of john marston. 13 #filler tag 1 #filler tag 2 #morgason #trans arthur morgan #vandermatthews #rdr2

[butterscotch-brigade]

give me the lily/gumi basics. how did they meet? how did they fall in love? who made the first move? how do they show affection for each other? add whatever other information you want i want all the deets

EEEEEEEE OK PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE LONG ASS BACKSTORY UNDER THE CUT

so BASICALLY they both met through miku. gumi never really had a lot of friends but miku had always been there for her since childhood and played a huge role in helping her come out of her shell and meet new people. lily, on the other hand, was a victim of bullying bc of homophobia and as a result became very mistrusting of people in general. miku eventually managed to befriend them both and decided it would be a good idea to introduce them to each other to help them both improve w social interaction

at first it was.....kind of awkward, bc lily had kind of a reputation throughout the school as being “intimidating” and kind of a fight-picker (the truth is she only fought w people bc they tried to hit her first but people used this to spread rumors claiming that she was a Scary Dyke). meanwhile from lilys perspective shes like “oh god oh god What Do I Say” and without thinking the first thing that she said was “hey nerd” and gumi was like “you....think im a nerd???” and lily immediately had to backpedal like “OH SHIT NONONONO I DONT MEAN IT LIKE THAT I MEANT IT IN A CUTE ENDEARING WAY FUCK”

needless to say they didnt know how to feel about each other for a couple days until one time lily saw gumi being bullied by a group of students and her Superhero Instinct kicked in and she basically told the assholes to fuck off or else they would have to face her Lesbian Wrath and that kind of got both of them to look at each other in a whole new perspective?? after that it became much easier for them to open up to each other since they had similar problems

as for how they started developing feelings for one another, it started off as a little attraction on lilys part (one of her first thoughts upon seeing gumi in passing before she got to know her was “oh hey shes kinda cute”) and a lot of identity questioning on gumis end. gumi was raised in a homophobic environment and was always told that she should never feel attraction towards other girls but she admired how open lily was about her sexuality and eventually this admiration lead to romantic feelings. for lily it was easy to fall in love with gumi since she found her overall personality to just be really endearing and charming but she felt guilty about it bc she didnt want to ruin their friendship or seem predatory.

as time went on and they became closer and closer friends, they sorta became Those Two People in the friend group who everybody suspected were dating but since they never mentioned anything about it nobody wanted to pry or assume anything. meanwhile bc both of them were Useless Lesbians they had absolutely no clue that a lot of the shit they did together was like. Not Straight (they cuddled a lot, were usually always seen holding hands, they “playfully” flirted with each other, etc). they just thought “wow she must really like being friends with me!!” Love Those Lesbians.

but eventually The Day came. gumi was having a Bad Mental Health Day bc of internalized homophobia and she felt incredibly guilty for having a crush on her best friend. she was sleeping over at lilys house and had an anxiety attack and while she had already told lily that she was gay, she had not told her about her feelings for her yet. during the attack she started ranting about how horrible she felt about everything and accidentally let it slip that she was in love with lily. this ofc resulted in her getting more panicky and stressed and she tried hastily to go back/apologize but lily was like “oh my god nononono youre fine!! its okay!!” and thats when she admitted that she had a crush on gumi too!!! at first gumi was worried that she was just saying that to make her feel better but then lily gently hugged her and decided to Be Brave and was like “can i kiss you?” AND THEN THEY DID!!!! AND IT WAS FUCKING ADORABLE AND IT ENDED UP LASTING MUCH LONGER THAN EITHER OF THEM ANTICIPATED but by the time they broke away they both just started crying tears of joy and relief and could not stop hugging each other. It Was Gay

aaaaand finally as for how they show affection to each other, its different for both of em!! lily is a bit more flirty and teasing but shes also All About telling her wonderful gf just HOW wonderful she is and basically the embodiment of that will smith meme. you know the one. pretty much she likes making gumi all flustered (which isnt that hard to do bc she blushes almost every time lily compliments her but she continues to do it anyway bc she thinks its adorable). physically she likes running her fingers through her hair and putting her arm around her and pulling her close when theyre sleeping

as for gumi, shes more physically affectionate and likes lots of cuddles and hugs and kisses (though she gets all shy again whenever lily instigates Affectionate Lesbian Mode instead of her asdlfhks). sometimes she tries to flirt with lily but like. she ends up getting embarrassed halfway through her sentence which is Adorable. her ways of telling lily she loves her are usually more poetic tho!! she puts a lot of thought into the things she says to make lily smile

aaaaaa sorry this is so long i just. love these lesbians so much theyre my comfort ship and i would die for them hhhhhh. thank you for giving me a chance to infodump about my Overly Complicated Vocaloid AU. i wuv you

[kouhadyne]

me infodumping abt marvel!wren and her infinite wren-ness cranked up to 12

(SO jsyk wren lives in Midtown’s basement in an old computer lab. she’s about a year below Peter but in some advanced classes (namely science and history but thats it.) so she like...vaguely knows him but loves michelle (u cant convince me otherwise wren wouldnt be head over heels for her + probs started calling her mj) so that’s a thing.)

anyway, the kossor bullshittery happens like...either after dark world but before civil war. alt hot take, after iw (as in, everyone is fine, nobody is dead. iw was just a fight over the last hot pocket, avengers are back together.) the fog rolls in every night across NYC and it gets bad enough that there’s a curfew in effect (but people are dumb and go in anyway) so wren (being a dumb person) goes into the fog. she thinks shes gonna die but instead turns into a funky little alien. she thinks she’s a mutant (she isn’t.) and has the power to transform based off chemical responses (half right.) what does she do? she becomes a fucking superhero that’s what.

so she’s running around, trying to fight in like, the worlds shittiest costume but a cool mask (she made everything herself. her mask looks like this and her costume looks like this just without the mecha arms) and wren’s like ‘oh i wish i could control my magic instead of only using it when im scared.’ and woosh, loki comes along like ‘i can help but i need a favor’ and she’s like ‘ya what u need strange green deer’ so loki’s like ‘i’ll teach u how to hide me on earth bcs i got some stank dudes on me’ and shes like ‘aight cool lets make that happen, im THE DARK MAGE; HEROINE EXTRAORDINAIRE whats ur name’ and hes like ‘yeah im loki and we gotta work on that name.’

so they’re doing their thing, wren destroying anything and everything while he teaches her to control her magic so it doesn’t hurt her anymore. all the while she’s explaining her life to him like ‘i met u two weeks ago do u wanna hear my life story’ ‘no’ ‘too bad im an amnesiac orphan and i live in a basement its cool but im also a very cool mutant whos a hero. very neat and cool but people keep trying to kill me’. also i should mention people are trying to kill her left and right bcs word of a perfect-amalgamated hybrid is being spread and an organization of anti-hybrid assholes known as CICADA are like ‘hey kill her and we’ll give u money’. all the bad guys are like “ooh money” or “that nasty halfbreed is going down murder time.” (she does not know shes a hybrid. oblivious baby.) 

so loki knows because he isn’t wren: local dumbass. and hes like “is it true ur a descendant of banished asgardians” and wren’s like “im asgardian? neat.” but eventually kossor shows up like “im here to kill the runaway experiment real quick, thanks.” and they fight! but he eventually paralyzes her with a spell only to spill the beans on what she is. turns out, she’s a project called “Warbreaker” whose essentially a natural hybrid with the fused soul of a general and a child soldier smushed into her body. wren, understandably is pissed to shit but can’t really do anything bcs she’s being strangled as her creepy..uncle? father? whispers to her. anyways she’s left to die for 12 hours (he thinks the paralyzer will kill her. it didnt it just kinda...paralyzed her body.) and she has a meltdown because shes alone and faced with the truth about who she is. she believed she had a family somewhere waiting for her to come home, even if she didn’t have parents but now she’s just a disgusting half-breed with a price tag on her head and a target on her back who cant do anything except die.

loki finds her once the fog lifts with the dawn and hes patching her up and she just starts...crying. she explains what she is and hes like ‘oh welcome to the club i got lied to too’ and they have a Moment of Bonding-ness over their shitty families and heritage. but she kinda takes a step back and asks ‘what am i fighting for’ and at this point, she just wants kossor to stop. shes now furious and on a path of vengance and loki’s like “u go baby”. so wren makes a call-out post in the form of a literal war call and theyre gonna duke it out babey!!!

and now they fight bcs wren’s like ‘idfc what i am, what ur doin is wrong asshat’ and kossors like ‘u again, lol perish thot’ and then they fight (its cooler than i make it sound, im sorry.) but it takes 6 hours and both are like, at the fucking brink and wren jsut sucker punches the shit outta him with some magic (namely the illusions loki briefly taught her). so now kossor’s dying on the floor and wren’s dying standing up and he’s like “im sorry i didnt mean to start a war i just wanted my sister back.” and wren’s like “maybe don’t take bribes from extremists then” (i imagine their final conversation to be either deeply moving and influential to wren’s character or just. this vine) but now with his death comes more problems but now wren is stronger than before (using her soul of literal chaos as a fuel for her magic was a good idea) and ready to fight to defend people bcs why not (justice. thats why.)

but two months later shes back up from her hyperthermia induced coma and she’s like “Shit my homework fuck and also loki” (loki has Vanished in loki fashion, aka thor is on earth). cps finds her again and puts her back in a home bcs they thought she was just caught in the fog. but she’s being dark mage, running round the city fighting criminals/alien bad guys trying to kill her but sooner or later she gets a call from the avengers/nick fury and hes like “hey u wanna do an interview” and shes like “yeah its not like ive dreamed of this moment since my childhood as a small 15-year-old i mean I Am An Adult, I Pay Taxes, I Drink The Al Col Hall.” so, like any good person, she lies about her age to join the avengers after an interview with fury and hill (where she just tells how she beat up kossor but lies about her age and who loki is bcs she doesnt go back on her promise of hiding him) so theyre like ‘cool ur in welcome to the avengers dude’

so she’s living in the tower/compound and for Dramatic Purposes (learned from someone) she never takes off her mask and never really...talks. Only on missions when her Serious Wren shows up. but the kinda break her little shell and shes just so quirky u cant help but get charmed. it isn’t really until a mission where they fight CICADA that they find out who she is (they single her out and go after her until she’s near-death and her mask is broken to fuck). she eventually explains everything in the medbay and its like “great, here’s a child with big PTSD and anxiety who lied about her age to join the avengers so she can live somewhere better than a basement, now what” so they argue about it and wren quietly sneaks/runs away. but big worm, here comes a terrifying winter soldier who stalked her to her little hideout. so shes like “i know when im not wanted and ill just go back to being a vigilante’ and hes like ‘hey ur good, kid they arent gonna kick u out.” so they have a Talk of Mutual Bonding and he gets her to come back so they can talk it out. stuff gets argued about and wren’s like “why not just...don’t say anything to fury. im doing this outta my own free will so none of u will get in trouble. plus im also not a kid bcs technically im 4 years old.” ‘that is not helping, Kujisela’ ‘call me wren its my name’. long story short, they agree to let her stay as long as Dark Mage still fights. (im a big slut for family dynamics so Hey + i feel like the supersoldiers start calling her plum bcs of her Purple-ness and it catches on)

so ye thanks for reading my TED Talk; i love Wren Ataxia Kujisela with all of my heart (pls just...talk to me abt her)

#wren tag #quill.txt #its a LOT but im.....big wren mood #love u bb #oc tag