#I've loved you for so long and now ive got something to always remind me of you 💚💙

[yume-danshi]

Happy anniversary, Laito 💚

#diabolik lovers #laito sakamaki #7 years 💚 #I've loved you for so long and now ive got something to always remind me of you 💚💙

[solarswonderland]

dear hanbin

pairing: gn!reader x s.hanbin

wc: 0.5k

genre: fluff, highschool au

warnings: nothing really, just hopeless kids in love

summary: writing a love letter to him

a/n: ive never written anything like this before, I'm actually pretty proud of it. please lmk if it was alright 😓😓

*y.i: your initials

you were always a pen-and-paper person.

you didn't like typing down reminders or to-do lists, you preferred writing them down. there was just something so special about writing to you. probably the way you'd have to shake your pen occasionally because you ran out of ink. or the satisfaction you gain when you scratch out a completed task.

which is probably why you're standing in front of sung hanbin's locker, holding a carefully sealed envelope, decorated with hearts and small stickers you found stuffed deep in your desk drawers.

sung hanbin was truly not real, you thought. there was no way that man was real. he was just too good to be true. the adorable smile, the way he helps everyone around him, how he never got mad, how generous, smart, and nice he is. not to mention, he is incredibly handsome as well. it's no joke, everyone was in love with him. which is one reason you were always too scared to ever confess.

but if there was one thing you were confident in, it was your writing. you figured, since you can't form proper sentences in front of him, why not pen down your thoughts in the form of a letter instead? and that's exactly what you did.

you made sure no one was watching you and slipped the envelope into his locker. you breathed a sigh of relief and made you way to your next class.

after you were gone, hanbin made his way to his locker after basketball practice. he opened it and was startled to see a blue-colored envelope fall out. he grabbed it off the floor and opened it. he thought it might have been mistakenly placed in his locker, but instead was surprised when he read the first two words.

dear hanbin,

it was addressed to him after all. although he was tired and sweaty from practice, he was curious. he continued reading the letter.

dear hanbin,

my heart is racing with a mixture of excitement and nervousness, there are so many words i've been wanting to say to you for years, and i finally have the chance.

from the moment i met you in middle school, when you lent me your pencil because i forgot mine, i've liked you. who knows, maybe its love?

your smile lights up my darkest days, and you have never once failed to make me laugh. every interaction, no matter how small or big, is etched into my memory, replaying over and over again like a broken record. i've admired your kindness, your intelligence, and the way you effortlessly make everyone around you feel at ease.

i want you to know that my feelings for you have not faded with time, if anything, they've grown stronger.

i understand that this letter might come as a surprise, and let's be honest, life's unpredictable. but i couldn't hold back my feelings any longer than i already have. whether fate leads us down a path of togetherness or friendship, i just needed you to know the truth that has been in my heart for so long.

no matter what your response may be, i'll respect it. no matter where life takes us, know that you'll always hold a special place in my heart.

with love,

y.i ♡

he smiled to himself as he read it. just as he was closing the letter after re-reading it over and over again, he saw some text in the back which made him laugh.

do you like me?

□ yes □ no

no pressure, you don't have to tick anything right now :)

sorry that's kinda creepy isn't it

i should probably stop writing...

he grabbed a pen and ticked the 'yes' option, quietly giggling to himself.

© solarswonderland 2023

#kflixnet #k labels #zumblrnet #zerobaseone #zb1 #sung hanbin #hanbin imagines #s.hanbin #hanbin fluff #hanbin angst #hanbin drabbles #hanbin imagine #hanbin x reader #sung hanbin imagines #sung hanbin x reader #sung hanbin smau #sung hanbin fluff #zb1 fluff #zb1 imagines #zb1 angst #zb1 drabbles #zb1 headcannons #zb1 imagine

[empresskadia]

Alright, hear me out:

Naomi's s/o becoming a Spartan-IV was the best idea ever and now I've come up with two ideas for it:

One idea I had was when she found out her partner had undergone augmentation after having their file declassified, she finally gets to go see them expecting to give you, a new Spartan, a piece of her mind.

But you're not a Spartan. Not yet. You're the slowest recovering candidate.

The other idea I had was that the s/o, instead of being assigned to her immediately like Musa planned, was given to the Mark VII project to test the platform for Spartan-IVs. So when they finally meet again, they're wearing more or less the same armor.

I'm telling you, I love these Naomi-010 asks, they seriously always make my day. My co-worker told me my face lit up and he could tell it was something Halo-related.

I hear you friend and I love both ideas!

The first one would cause Naomi to genuinely panic and any anger she may have held, vanishes. She's reminded of her own argumentations and how many sisters and brother-in-arms she's lost. This was why she didn't want her partner to become a Spartan, now she had to stand there and think if they were going to make it or not. Of course, she wants to see them and just looking at you hooked up to machines in a hospital bed breaks her heart and reminds her of how long it took Kelly to recover. Naomi hopes this is a Kelly situation, where you get back on your feet stronger than ever.

In the second one, Naomi is just confused when Serin tells her you won't be returning to Kilo-Five, of course, she's worried, she wanted to see her partner first and make sure they were okay with her own eyes before giving them a piece of her mind. But does this mean you were sent on a different mission? Naomi tried to contact you, whether by call or message, she didn't expect the call to go through but got a reassuring message that you were alright and that you were sorry you couldn't say anything. This helps her focus on her current task until your paths cross with hers again and Serin promised she would do everything in her power to make it happen. But imagine her surprise when UNSC Port Stanley docks on Earth and there is a Spartan in full armor waiting, armor that looks similar to hers in design but the color scheme is different. They were colors that reminded her of you, and then it clicked and Naomi was relieved and ecstatic.

Let me add to this, what if Musa never intended for them to go back to Kilo-Five? What if he moves them straight to, let's say, the Headhunters? Or put them on the Infinity as Commander Palmer's second in command?

#halo #halo series #fanfiction #I'm actually surprised I haven't received more John things #I love naomi #and I'm not complaining #naomi 010 #halo x reader #naomi 010 x reader #ask #asks #anon

[moonjxsung]

star bby 🫶 it's been a while from me since i've been so busy with school and life in general butttttt ive missed you sm and ive seen all the shit going down with wattpad thieves

i really don't understand these thieves cos all throughout my educational career i've always been told that plagiarism is wrong and not to do it. so even as a 10 year old child it was drilled into my brain that stealing someone else's work is wrong and you shouldn't do it but idk… apparently it just isn't common sense and that's annoying as hell

anyway, on a lighter note, i saw the solar eclipse earlier and i was reminded of you because moonjxsng, so i decided to pop in and say hi 🤭 i also wanna say that i love going back to your fics and reading them again because they're so beautifully written and i love them so much. sometimes i wish i could wipe them from my memory, so each time i revisit your work i can read them and experience them as if it was my first time.

ily and i hope you're doing well outside of the wattpad thieves 🫶

~🌸

HIIIII MY BABYYYYYY I MISSED YOU SO MUCH ☹️🫶🫶🫶🫶💝💞💘💖💕

genuinely at my limit with the plagiarism on here that just funnels straight to wattpad 🤕 I’m mostly sad that I won’t be able to provide you guys with shorter pieces in between long fics but I just don’t have it in me to be chasing it anymore and begging people to at least give me credit. Maybe one day the drabbles will return but I’m far too exhausted right now ☹️

STOPPPP your message about the eclipse genuinely made me tear up that’s so sweet 😭 sadly I missed it because I was in a 3 hour business meeting (😀😀😀😀) so I’ll just have to wait 20 years for the next one LOLLLL but my colleagues who work on different time zones got pics for me which was really sweet 🥹🫶

I’ve been doing okay for the most part, insanely busy at work and back and forth with my mental state so I’ve been a little absent from my phone. But I’m still living my life off here and going out and eating good food and I’m surrounded by so many amazing people so I’m quickly healed when I feel down ! how are YOU doing my angel? 💘 you’re the absolute sweetest 😭 I will have something published for you very soon (👀) and I hope you love it just as much as the other stuff !! Sending you all my love sweet angel I love you so so so much. I hope you never forget it ⭐️💘

#🌸 anon #ask

[lightlycareless]

hihi!! this is my first time writing an ask to anyone on tumblr you dont need to make a reply to this because this is just things i want to say to you theres this song called mascara by deftones that i came across on tiktok, and theres this one part that goes "you're married... to me." right before the beat drops and the way i literally GASPED because it reminded me of your fic and naoya and y/ns marriage 😭pls give it a listen if you have the time! its good i swear also even though im sure youve received a lot of compliments before, i just want to... genuinely thank you for just existing. youre such a wonderful person, in every one of your posts and replies youre so nice and understanding, and youre the most dedicated writer ive ever seen online. youve really made me so so happy with your writing and fic, and i just want you to know how amazing you are. thank you thank you thank you! i dont even realize when but my life went from "just got to make it to friday" to "just got to make it to the next first it hurts update" LOL anyway i hope everything in life goes well for you. once again, thank you. know that there are always people out there that appreciate you and love you!

Hello!!!

First of all, thank you so much for your lovely words!! Like I still can't believe that after so many chapters after starting my story, I'd be getting the support I've had 😭❤️ and you,,,, ghjagjhagjhagka you saying those wonderful things about me just make it even harder to believe!

🥺 I'm a bit teary eyed, ngl... your words really moved me. 😭 thank you so much.

I'm really happy that my work is something you have been enjoying up until now, and while it might take me a while to get back to each reply/ask, I never forget about them and I appreciate them so so much—it's the least I could do after all this wonderful support! I will do my best to continue with my writing so you can keep enjoying it 😭❤️!!!!!! Hopefully the new chapter will be uploaded soon too 🤭 I also get excited when the update day is near hehe. ahhh!!!

Now, onto your song...

Omg… I listened to it and I immediately went to search for it’s meaning/interpretation because I was wow—if you think about it it’s really dark you know?

But going back to what it made me think about Naoya and Y/N—there's no denying it, the song covers the fact they're forced to be together. (or more like Naoya is forcing her, but he doesn't want to let go either, so...)

Highlighting the fact that no matter what the other does, or much they try to get away or act like it isn't happening, it's all for nothing because the papers are signed and they're officially bound to one another😭

That's not the only thing I got from the song though 👀

I also got the idea that it was kind of Naoya mockingly telling Y/N that she can continue fighting him, denying him, and so on... but it’s too bad because “you're [still] married to me.” jfc.

Or also, it could be referring to her longing for Naoaki and how Naoya is a hindrance to that. Damn. Bless you for sharing this song with me, it really gets the angst inspiration going on. And fortunately for us, there's still more to come in the main fic mwaahahahahahahha

Anyways 😏 thank you so much for sending in this lovely ask!! I went back to it here and there whenever I felt particularly down about my skills, or in general, so you don't know how much this meant for me 🥺❤️ I wish I could assertively express how much I appreciate you, your support, and your words 😭❤️ but I hope a thank you will be able to convey such sentiments.

Have a wonderful day, take care of yourself, and hope to see you soon ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

#ask #ask series: first it hurts— #🥺❤️

[hollyhomburg]

i don't think ive appreciated you for don't care if it hurts (im sorry) but i just read it for the second time and AGAIN I WAS ABSOLUTELY MIND BLOWN BY THE PLOT 😭😭😭

firstly, just talking about jimin as a character,, wow just wow his motivation and drive shows through and it's easy to see that everything he does, every decision he makes is because he finally has what he always wanted

jimins dynamic with yn has me rolling around on my bed and kicking feet 😧 they're so cute together AJKAKLA 🩷 i love love love love love the ear rubs like I REREAD THOSE PARTS OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND THE FLASHBACK OF HER CALLING HIM GOOD BOY AND HIM HIDING HIS FACE BUT HIS TAIL GAVE HIM AWAY HAS ME IN TEARS THANK YOU

namjoons character made me fall in love 🫡 his affection for his sister and his family is ?? heartbreaking? in a way,, like it's so cute (for lack of a better word) that it's almost sad yk

now THE PLOT!!!!!!!!!!!! LORD HELP ME HOW???? how... everything connected so perfectly and seeing as this was a mafia ff i can't believe how well planned out their plan was everything was flowy and connected into each other i am in awe 🩷

i loved this story so much it's actually very special to me it's one of those that i recommend to all my friends and the one i can remember very well 💗 you did amazing can't wait for more !!! 🌷

ahhhhh i'm so happy to see my very first series on here get so much love <3 i'm sorry it took me so long to get to your ask first of all! i think that DCIIH. this ask reminded me that maybe i need to go back and read some of my early stuff just so that i can remember what it was like when writing felt fresh and new <3

but part of this also made me feel sad, i think that namjoon and the mc's dynamic in this was based heavily off my brother and i's relationship at the time and it's sad to think about how that's changed T-T we really used to be like that and now we can't go back. There's not so much trust between the two of us anymore.

i think i've been trying to do similar built plot twists in bily, although it's hard to keep ahold of all the threads- hopefully the next time i try to put something like this togeather i've got it down! but it still feels like i've got alot to learn sometimes when it comes to building stories well <3 thank you for such a lovely comment!!!

[lodish]

i dont know if its really my place to say anything?? but just in case it helps. idk.

my ex and i were together for a year and a half and best friends for four, and its been a good 4-5 years now since then. to this day they're one of the only people i've been actually, genuinely vulnerable with in ways that feel almost impossible around others. once in a blue moon i still have dreams where we start talking again and become best friends again and that trust and care and love is back no matter what we choose to call it.

the first probably almost half a year? was really hard. but i kept close with other friends and reminded myself over and over to stay anchored in the present and sooner than i realized it felt less like an open wound and more like an empty garden. and the life around it crept it and grew and grew and the memory and the grief is still there but it is so, SO much easier to remember what i do have, and to focus on that instead of what ive lost. i cant promise it'll ever truly hurt less but i can promise it gets better, and easier, even when better feels impossible to reach.

hope youre doing okay :((

sorry for keeping this so long in my inbox.. ive been rereading it over and over because it makes comfort seep into my mind. thank u aly it really means a lot :’-) to have such a heartfelt message and genuine care from you is something i really appreciate

for me, me and my ex were friends for about half a year before we got together. we were together for two years. they broke up with me just after the two year mark had passed. they broke up with me almost 5 months ago now. ive never loved someone like that before to be honest. they were my first everything. sometimes i have nightmares where they kiss my forehead and brush my hair back from my eyes. we have a stardew valley save file with something like 90 hours on it… i still remember how their cheeks puff out when they smile and i still remember what their voice sounds like when theyve just gotten out of bed. i feel like their ghost still lives in parts of my life. hehe, did you know i accidentally pulled 2 copies of childe on his recent rerun? i was pulling for freminet and the reason i didnt pull on zhonglis banner instead was because it makes me think of when we would play genshin together. theyd use xiao and zhongli, and id use venti and barbara. i always spoke to them about how i wanted to get elegy for my venti one day. i finally have it for him, but i never got to show them

these days i think im doing better. i dont know… sometimes it feels just as bad as it did when they broke up with me at night, and i sobbed and begged them to sleep on call with me one last time. its really embarrassing.

i dont love them romantically anymore. but i love them, still, as my best friend. and i will for a long time

#sorry i put that under a read more because you are NOT obligated to read all that. heart emoji #im kind of glad we werent mutuals yet when it happened because um. i was a total wreck on this site. it was so embarrassing

[words-after-midnight]

Find the Word

I've been tagged in Find the Word again, yay! Was tagged by both @nanashi23 and @catchingbigfish, so I'll combine both. :)

Tagging: @arijensineink, @angelsofprey (if you have anything to share!), @pertinax--loculos, @frostedlemonwriter, @authoralexharvey, @sarahlizziewrites, and whoever else wants to join in as usual.

My words were: Smash, grab, run, glimpse, dare, rule, crisis, surround, star.

Your words are: damage/damaged, darling, ball, even, annoy/annoying. Bonus: kiss, because it's #ockiss week.

Snippets from both the previous version of Life in Black and White and The Dotted Line.

CWs: institutional (carceral) violence (grab), mention of a psychiatric crisis (crisis), implied substance use (surround)

Smash

N/A

Grab

From The Dotted Line, I – “Camp”:

They swarmed the halls before any sorry man still out of his cell had time to consider retreating. Before I knew it, I was grabbed roughly from behind, two sets of arms stronger than mine pulling me back toward my cell. One of them tore my bag from me, probably to inspect it for weapons. You know, I think it’s real funny how they always think we have weapons, when the real weapons are on their belts and in their hands… but, I digress. 

Run

From The Dotted Line, X – “Would I Lie?”:

What a sobering remark. Really makes you think. Probably à propos. Maybe he’s a psychic, huh? Never did figure out who that guy was. You think maybe it’s that dude who tried to make a run for it back in August and got snapped by Google Street View? I feel like that’s something that dude would have said. Anyway, whatever.

Glimpse

From Life in Black and White, Act II:

I close the cabinet, and catch a glimpse of my own reflection.       

All at once, I snap out of it, horrified. I mumble to myself, “Oh my God, what are you doing?” What the fuck are you doing?

No. 

No. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. If I fall back into this now, it’s over for me. He’ll be the death of me.   

Dare

From The Dotted Line, I – “Camp”:

Then, as though in a split-second - as though time had finally thawed out from its previously frozen shell - the tight, rough grips on my arms before I could hope to reach my cell of my own accord. The hands pushing me into the dark chamber. The dull clanking of the bedpost as my hip slammed into it, which, as you can imagine, left a real fine bruise. Their frantic eyes telling me they knew I’d seen it long before the words ever dared leave their lips.  

Rule

From The Dotted Line, IV – “Blondie”:

Inside this lovely five-star establishment, rules are simultaneously unspoken and shouted from the bird's nests. It's dog eat dog here, it's kill or be killed here, it's fight or get punked here, it's reputation or nothing here. And there are two roles here: either you're a predator, or you're their prey. 

Your play.

Crisis

From Life in Black and White, Act I:

I spent the next week filling out depression and anxiety scales, the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, diagnostic questionnaires... basically, a whole bunch of time-consuming shit that reminded me way too much of being a confused, terrified twelve-year-old kid in the psychiatric crisis centre at the General at three in the afternoon, distraught, unable to sit still.

Star

From The Dotted Line, IV – “Blondie”:

I don't remember if I told you this, but back at the county jail (I'll give that place about three and a half stars, just because I'm a generous person, and that's why you love me), they used to call me Blondie. Yeah. And you thought Scarface was bad. That nickname followed me to Camp Hill, too. Almost surprised it didn't follow me here. Luck of the draw, I suppose. But then again, maybe not.

Surround

From Life in Black and White, Act I:

He came to sit on the other end of my couch, the one directly facing the mammoth of a TV, snapped said TV on with a small remote that apparently was about to be swallowed by the crease between the couch arm and the cushion, and cracked the Ziploc bag open with purpose. TV starts playing major league football at a surround-sound volume that somehow drowns out the sound of The Safety Dance from somewhere up on the second floor.

“Meds you’re on, bud? This shit’ll fuck you up hard.”

I chuckled. “Can’t be worse than Seroquel.”

“You wanna bet?”

#libaw #tdl #snippet #writing #writeblr #tag game

[actualbird]

First of all! Hello, Hello!!! Hope you're doing well!

Regarding your - Artem has the oldest daughter vibes - post. HE'S TRANS YOUR HONOUR!!! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! 😂❤️

But in all seriousness, I gave it some thought and out of all of them, Artem being trans would make the most sense? Just the way he is as a person? You know? *Vaguely gestures with my hands*. One thing that stood out to me was how touched starved and touch averse he seemed? I know it's contradictory but as much as I remember, he was always hesitant to touch Rosa and would be an absolute mess when touched by her?

So what if, it's because he doesn't want to make others uncomfortable with his touch, especially if it's a woman? (And especially if he likes that woman). Because he was made uncomfortable by others, in this case mostly men, when he was younger? I've noticed that most men are far more likely to just casually touch women? Even if the touch isn't sexual/romantic in nature? Like a brush of a hand here, holding a woman's waist while you're passing her in a tight space? Like, you wouldn't do that to a man, so... Artem is just very aware? Like, aware too much, to a point where he can never relax among others?

I might be projecting too much! So please ignore this if you don't agree! It's just something I noticed! Me and my trans friend, we talked about something similar recently - noticed that he would be a bit hesitant to be more physically affectionate with me and we had a long conversation about it!

And... I haven't touched the game in about half a year! 😅 I still love the game! I just "play" it vicariously through you! 😂 So there might have been more things revealed about Artem I'm not aware of!

Please take care! ❤️

- The Hibiscus anon! 🌺 I'M NOT DEAD! 😂

irt despite being a man, artem is eldest daughter all girls catholic school student vibes

oh my gosh, HIBISCUS!! HI HI :DDD!! it's awesome to hear from u again and i hope ur doing well!!!

while i am in no way an artem expert (thats sam) and am pretty behind on his cards, i still shake ur hand so much cuz UR SO RIGHT.

like, listen. at this point ive got a schrondinger's headcanon where certain members of the nxx team or the ENTIRE team is simultaneously not trans or definitely trans/experiencing gender in a non-cis way. yes they are. all the time. but only when it sparks joy in me. also all the time. do u understand, i understand. still, i deffo understand and adore why artem also gives of trans vibes.

like, so much of artem's extreme carefulness with matters of the heart or even just matters of relating to other people personally, the fact that he goes about this in a meticulous and often overthinking manner because he hasnt done it/gotten the chance to experience it much before is something that resonates a lot with a bunch of queer identities. the fact that he holds a lot of himself and his personality/interests close and not many people know him on a personal level, that also resonates with queer experiences. the fact that certain things that are "obvious" to other people are things that are not as obvious to him, also queer (and also also something i like to interpret as a neurodivergent trait, but thats a whole other ask response). hell, even the notion that artem is doing things "later" than is usually expected (like romance).

all of these things (which i guess can be mushed into the over-arching statement of "over-thinking because we didnt experience the world on the usual timeline many other people experience and thus we have to be extra careful to avoid failure") fit well with a BUNCH of queer experiences, methinks

(source: me. cuz im queer and i like artem)

additionally, i got reminded of this awesome response mariuscomehome wrote about artem viewed from a lesbian lens. i DEFINITELY recommend u read it!!!

//smacks artem like a car im selling. THIS GUY CAN FIT SO MUCH QUEERNESS INTO HIM!!!!!

i think i went off on a tangent here but yeah. ur so right. artem trans vibes too, whether it be for fitting theme/characterization reasons or just cuz headcanons are fun as hell anyway :'D

#i shld not have written this response at 6am cuz i was blearily blinking like 'oh my god i can cite queer theory sources--' and i had to #stop myself. 6am is not the time to be doing anything with any kind of theory sources. zak BEHAVE #hibiscus!anon #asks #and thus continues the saga of ppl 'playing' tot primarily thru my blog jhVKJSHDFS BY FAR THE FUNNIEST WAY TO EXPERIENCE THIS GAME METHINKS

[vhvrs]

Hello I'm so sorry to randomly put this in your inbox, but I have some real questions that I'm kind of too scared to ask anyone else?

I think I'm... I think I finally admitted that I might be trans? I think? I've been so terrified of calling myself that, especially out loud, because I've been so scared that I'm accidentally being transphobic when I can't even figure out my own identity? I'm AFAB, and I like having a very pretty "girl" body and even adore hyperfeminine "girl" things. Like, I love girly stuff and dressing like a girl? Is it the looking like a girl I like? But like, something has always felt off and like it wasn't quite right to just be a "she"? It's so hard to explain because for years I was just a girl, using feminine pronouns and everything. But as I've gotten older, I found myself using they/them more and more often, but it's actually in the last week or so that I've started using he/him pronouns officially instead of just in my head. And guess what? It felt amazing doing it! But here's my problem: What is it called when you're AFAB, do still really like very feminine things and "looking/acting like a girl", but want to use he/him pronouns? I'm so scared and confused and I feel so ashamed because I'm scared I'm just CIS with extra steps? Like, I see a lot of posts that say a lot of people are just muddying the waters and making things even harder for other transgender people, and I would never want to hurt anybody like that! I've tried Googling my question several times, each a different way because I was worried I wasn't wording it properly? But all the results I get are mixed and I'm confused what they mean. Am I allowed to be a boy that's... like, likes being a "girl", just not called a girl? Or at least isn't called a girl all the time? Just sometimes when I feel like it? Maybe?

I know this is all some really heavy stuff and I'm so sorry for just dropping this on you, but I really need help and I don't know where else to turn. If you're unable to help, do you know some other resources that I might try to look for? I'm sorry. You just seem so confident in yourself and your art has been really helpful, but I wanted to ask because I was hoping that I could maybe just get, like... even a sliver of what might be wrong with me? As dumb as this sounds, I'm scared of just being CIS (Again, I am so sorry for this long post, this text really got away from me)

hey i appreciate you feeling like i was the person to come to w this off the bat and not to fret about the ask at all bc im abt to overexplain myself right back - ive been in this exact same position actually! i had a long struggle moving from being a girl into being where i am now and where i am now is.... who knows! ive been figuring myself out for like. eight years at this point n i expect to keep figuring myself out even longer. the train of thought youre on reminds ne a LOT of how i felt when i started thinking i wasnt cis though so ill just kindve. dump what has helped me? and you can take what you want from it.

point blank anyone who says its possible for other trans ppl or even just ppl exploring their gender to bring harm back into the community are full of shit. they said this when i thought i was a genderfluid demigirl eight yrs ago. theyll keep saying it. it will continue to not be true. ive had friends who explored their gender identities and realized they were cis and if anything its really healthy for them and the community! its not bad to go thru that.

on topic, i could try to point you towards specific labels or communities but trying to get caught up in those can sometimes just confuse or scare you more - again speaking from experience trying to google just what i was and what i was going thru. especially trying to figure everything out at once.

like i label myself as a bi agender bc its EASY n to have a vague thing to tell ppl or put on pride icons but at the end of the day, im just theo. thats my identity n that could be yours too! when i think abt my bf, im a gay man. when im watching crazy girlies on a show, im a girl. when i want to buy nonbinary merch bc nobody makes agender merch, im nonbinary. im just theo no matter what.

you dont sound cis and thats the most important thing to remember. even if you were somehow cis w extra steps bc thats. not a thing. even if you looked n acted n dressed exactly as you did when you viewed yourself before all of this but FELT you werent that presentation, you wouldnt be cis. you could like... be a girl but a bit to the left and youd be trans.

also, perhaps changing the language you think abt yourself with may help you rule out whats going on? instead of seeing things in a v binary girl things vs boy things way? its hard bc like. gender based society but trying to not see dressing a certain way as being feminine/dressing like a girl and certain pronouns being like. boy/masculine pronouns can really help! if you mean you dont want to bind or you like dresses, then you can do those things in a masc or fem or any way u want - its YOU doing it. if you want those things to be girl things bc it helps, then theyre girl things! if seeing them as boy things helps, then they're boy things!

im sorry if i... didnt really answer your question or help ultimately but i just remember how much wanting definite answers didn't really help me at the time so i dont want to say like. oh youre nonbinary! oh youre genderfluid! oh youre a demigirl! oh youre a he/him girl! being trans is so different for everyone n thats ultimately why you may be struggling to find specific answers.

honestly? id keep doing what youre doing and trying different gender affirming things like you are. something will click as you do and youll come to realizations that, in that space, will help you a lot. perhaps itll be something that changes but it will click eventually.

i literally felt like i was transphobic towards trans men for having he/him in my pronouns for YEARS bc i wasnt Being Male Enough to earn them. but i no longer see myself as needing to be masc to prove i deserve to be called a he. to me, thats as genderless as they/them. shits weird n personal n a bit cringe.

nothings wrong w you for not having things figured out either. you will. i promise.

#also like generally if my art has been helping u i recommend either going thru my trans hc/trans hcs tag #or going backwards thru my art tag bc i very much used my art to figure my gender shit out n it helped immensely #i also encourage anyone who may have something to say to reply or dm bc this is just my perspective as like #someone whos gender REALLY is based off who theyre dating lol. being bisexual is v much a gender for me

[rigelmejo]

Language Updates! May 25, 2022

My health is still being mean but hopefully it'll turn. As expected, I'm not studying much.

But I did get the urge to study again. So I did. And it went in an odd direction (for me) so I feel like documenting it.

First the Japanese stuff - I got into playing Final Fantasy 7 again, and video games always remind me how much I want to learn Japanese, so the urge to study kicked in gear lol. As of now I'm not doing anything big, I'm too tired lately for big goals. I am playing Yakuza 0 now and having fun picking up the words I do know. And learning some words, mainly though just refreshing my memory on things I already knew like 少し,あるんだ, zenbun matte etc. Some sentences I fully understand! Most I know a couple words, some I only hear omae lol. As one would expect.

I'm also listening to Glossika Japanese again (as review so the old files I've heard already). So not much listening, at the beginning again lol, but everything is coming back fast. So that's good.

I also bought Koisenu Futari today and started reading it on Kindle. It's like 249 pages and my reading speed says I'll finish in 8 hours, which honestly is amazing to me since usually I read too slow to Ever finish a novel ToT in a foreign language (unless it's french). I read 7 pages and it's clear to me on some level I remember the grammar i learned i jusr don't explicitly remember it if it makes sense. Like I know what's a noun or verb or how the verbs conjugation affects meaning but I'm not able to say exactly whats going on. Basically it's readable, thankfully, cause my brain still remembers how to interpret the grammar. I still credit forcing myself to do 600 Clozemaster Japanese sentences last summer for all the grammar comprehension improvements tbh, it really truly helped me get used to real world sentences and the variety in them (versus textbook sentences). Anyway so far its nice! It's to my happiness an easier read (difficulty wise) with a lot of Kanji I know so I also can kind of cheat and guess the meaning on a lot (I'm mainly looking up Kanji pronunciations/confirmations of definition and hiragana words). But I will say :c kindles Japanese to English dictionary sucks So I'm glad i recognize the Kanji a bit.

Basically, I'm back into Japanese a bit. I also found some audio dramas with eng subs I'd like to listen to that I was going to months ago, maybe yest Listening Reading Method with. But tbh my attention span is short and I don't think I can focus for 1.5 hours to get through them (though Nier Replicant Audio drama AND mdzs Japanese audio drama are on youtube which are both very cool and i do eventually wanna get to ToT)

Now for the out of character portion. So ive been watching kdramas. Live Up to Your Name, Mr Sunshine, Tomorrow, My Country the New Age, etc. As you do. And it turns out... when I listen to something long enough I really want to learn something. So I looked into learning Korean a bit.

I want to preface with!!! If YOU are brand new to learning Korean, like comprehensible input/nature method learning methods, I highly recommend going to Learn Korean in Korean YouTube channel and just Devouring all the videos made by that guy. THAT is a well made course where you can genuinely learn through comprehensible input for the basics and some surface conversational stuff (possibly more). I watched 1 of his videos once knowing zero Hangul and not caring if i learned and learned how to introduce myself. His videos are GOOD.

That said... mejo is a messy person who doesn't follow their own advice, and despite me KNOWING I love that specific learning material... I'm not using it. Why? Because watching YouTube videos requires consistent focus and i just cannot reliably focus on something for several minutes right now. I can't do long periods of focused study at the moment. Even though I know if I binged his channel I'd learn a lot.

So what is mejos plan to learn korean?

Well studying Hangul is step 1, which I've done before and have done the past few days again. Now I'm practicing just kind of seeing it in practice (like in textbooks etc) to get used to properly reading it and remembering. As my motivations for wanting to learn korean are Extremely Shallow right now - I'd just like to know some lines in kdramas when I watch, maybe absolute MOST I'd like to have a convo in korean like hi how are you do you draw (and in a world I'll never live in... enough to read Korean guardian translation but let's be real its not gonna happen.. probably). I have no intense need to learn to read Hangul. I'm gonna pick it up anyway, since it's everywhere and reading it is ultimately critical. But books with romanization are my friends right now so I can compare romanization to the Hangul to test my reading of the Hangul, and to learn words with an approximate pronunciation instead of absolutely no idea if i picked a moderately close pronunciation up (if theres only Hangul and I read a,syllable wrong I'm gonna learn words wrong lol).

So I found Teach Yourself Korean (or some equivalent type book) on archive.org for free. And am reading it. It covers Hangul, and then simple surface level conversations like your typical beginner textbook (hi, how are you, my name is, i work at, I study, I want to eat x etc). It works fine for some Hangul reading practice and getting a chance to look at sentence structure. Realistically I know korean is SOV and a really Great help would be a textbook that does literal word by word translations cause my brain likes seeing that but I'm not putting tons of time into this. (Also sadly? I KNOW there's a cool korean textbook out there whixh starts with english but in korean sentence structure then adds more korean words, like comprehensible input for korean but also intuitive grammar instruction. And i DONT know the name so I canr find it ;-; if you know the name of the textbook I'm mentioning please message me).

For words, i was going to just be brutal to myself and hop right into Clozemaster Korean. That was utterly impossible lol! With very poor Hangul reading skills you are screwed in clozemaster, there's no romanization to help you sound anything out. Also you don't hear audio until after you answer, also the diffetent grammar structure is not explained even minimally in Clozemaster. So I have realized. Yes, yes you really do need to be upper beginner or above to use Clozemaster reasonably comfortably. Unless you're learning a language with similar grammar and a similar alphabet like French or Spanish then maybe you could jump right in as a complete novice if you were up for the challenge (I can read some Spanish, I could probably push through clozemaster Spanish to study and learn more vocab even though it would be brutal). I realized clozemaster is just NOT helpful as a complete beginner in korean with zero grammar knowledge. Now normally, I'd dive right in and spend 1 week to 1 month reading a grammar guide summary of the language so I have a vague idea of what I'm looking at verb noun adjective subject object particle wise etc at all times. But as I mentioned, im exhausted lately, i cant do intensive focused reading for hours which a grammar guide would require of me. Also... to be honest, I find it an interesting experiment to go into a language totally unprepared. I was prepared for all the other languages I studied to some (minimal) degree since i studied literally all of them as a teen at least a little (japanese, Spanish, French, German, mandarin). While it's not much, it does mean if there were ever 6 months of struggling with sound or writing system or what the heck does a verb look like in z language, i got a little practice prior to diving in more as an adult.

So. What to do. Well I know for me, comparing sentence structure truly helps me grasp grammar the best. It's why clozemasrer Japanese helped me SO much with grammar, it's why one of my fave japanese textbooks is Japanese Sentence Patterns, it's why Spoonfed Chinese anki deck ans audio files help me so much. Seeing and hearing a sentence in both languages helps me figure out where words go in each, how they conjugate, what phrases are different completely etc. Unfortunately anki and memrise sentence decks in korean would make me exhausted, as i can't do the hours long intensive focus I need for flashcards personally at the moment. Clozemaster has a radio mode (to help make it easier on me) but clozemaster sentences start TOO hard compared to educational made sentences which tend to start artificially simple but help clarify the sentence structures before adding complexity gradually. Well i was like... glossika Korean might work. Turns out I'd downloaded the old glossika korean audio files a year ago so I put them in a place I could listen to. And that's going to be my primary setup for study probably. I doubt I'm going to pick up much, certainly not at the slow rate I've got to study right now. But if I DO learn anything then I'm putting in a good word for comparative 2 language audio flashcard type study materials. They worked EXCELLENTLY for me for chinese listening comprehension, increasing vocabulary, grammar patterns, but i used them as an upper beginner who could read some stuff already. Korean would be my first time trying to use glossika with a language I can't already read some things in (aka comprehend basic stuff to a decent level when reading already). We will see if i pick up much. But I can already tell it's easier for me to figure out new words than clozemaster korean, so glossika is easier for a beginner to use for sure. (Personally I do Not recommend modern glossikas subscription model I hate the flashcards but tbh i canr do flashcards often, I prefer the old glossika audio lessons they used to make so that's what I use whenever i say glossika).

So yeah, my plan for korean right now is: glossika korean audio files (dual language audio of sentences starting simple then progressing), and Teach Yourself Korean book read through. Maybe some other stuff, but this is easiest.

A side note: I am sad to report the FSI korean course audio files on archive.org are Only korean. I say thus because FsiS chinese course audios read the English aloud, then rhe chinese, then the drill directions then the drill answers. So you can basically do the entire course entirely through audio (which is great if visuals are an issue for you, or so it can be done without needing to look if say you're walking or working, and the book is mainly pinyin so it's not a huge loss to just use the audio files). So I was expecting the korean FSI course audio to also have all that - which would have made it serve the "simple sentences with dual audio to compare and pick up words and grammar" function. But there's no English in the audio, so i found the korean glossika audios instead. (In a pinch FSI courses are yes dry, but very good introductions to several languages. I like their tone drills a lot for chinese.)

Another side note: sad to report that unlike Japanese and Chinese I am not aware of the really cool niche textbooks yet. Like in Japanese, I have textbooks specifically suited to me - ones that focus on sentence patterns, 2 that teach through reading and progressive difficulty, Kanji mnemonic books. Same for chinese - I have an old grammar book that writes a way I understand, 3 comprehensible input massive graded readers that increase in difficulty, some more graded readers by difficulty, a 500 most common hanzi book with a bunch of words that use them underneath, parallel texts, a wonderful hanzi mnemonics book, a wonderful chinese intro book that covers 1000 words (which isn't ideal but i appreciate the author and irs better than one textbook I found which only teaches 200 words total yikes). I learn well with comprehensible input books like graded readers/stuff that makes you learn by trying to understand, and with comparisons of sentence structure with a LOT of common words so I pick them up. Like I mentioned above... I know a korean textbook exists that writes the English in korean word order then gradually adds in more korean words too, I am very interested in finding it if anyone knows the name or has heard of it before.

#rant #may #may progress #progress #may goals #goals #korean #korean study plan #study plan #WOW YEAH im learning a little korean #not much but i would like to recognize a bit more than i do now which is like nothing #except the greeting and thank you

[adpiratecore]

Got sent a ton of numbers from the ask game post by the ever lovely @rovah17 via pm!

So here we go!

4. What are you looking forward to?

My camping trip! My birthday is next week, so me and the Boys are driving all the way to Utah (22 hrs) to camp and hopefully dig for crystals!

5. Is there anyone that can always make you smile?

My lovely fiance and partner :)

6. Is it hard for you to get over someone?

Absolutely. Still not over the girl i dated freshman year of highschool, genuinely thought she was an ethereal being and had full plans to marry her.

10. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

Sure! If you dont know me. Once uget to know me my shit is obvious lol

11. Are you listening to music rn?

Nah im listening to asmr lol

12. What is something you want right now?

I want a giant minecraft creeper plush. Like. Body pillow size. (Oh my god what if there was one of those overly sexual body pillow covers but with a creeper--- i would buy that ngl. As long as it wasnt super sexual lol)

13. How do you feel right now?

Honestly? Kinda depressed. Ive been in a weird funkrecently.

15. Personality description

I dont ever post about it, but I've actually got DID (dissociative identity disorder) so that one's hard to pinpoint? But i guess the "singletsona" or the mask we put on for basically everyone we're not close with is "chaotic nerdy punk"

16. Have you ever wanted to tell someone but you didnt?

Well, my partner (as mentioned above) is a fairly new relationship. Not even a month yet new. And we went to this convention together! Anime midwest! And we were sitting out by the fountain in the area where cars pull in for drop offs and deliveries. And all i could think about was "this would be a perfect area for a first kiss" but i chickened out and thoughtit was too soon and what if they get weirded out and--- they still dont know.

17. Opinion on insecurities.

So honestly? I think its good to have some insecurities. Like i think if everyone walked around thinking they were perfect all the time, there would be no growth as human beings, emotionally i mean. I have plenty of insecurities myself, BUT this reminds me of how many people ask me for fashion advice! I dress very alternatively and really adore my fashion style and ive yet to get a negative reaction from someone. Besides the point though, i once answered that question with "Wear what makes you want. If it makes you happy it looks good, and if someone's staring it means your hot." That just kinda randomly spewed out of my mouth and the person was like "wow thats kind of inspiring"

20. What is your favorite song at the moment?

Oh gosh good question!! Kind of depends on the vibe really, but the one i get most excited for and always sing along to is Flight Of The Crows by Jhariah

21. Age and birthday?

21!! 22 on july 26th :D

23. Fear(s)

That everyone secretly hates/dislikes me and is only keeping up relationships bc they want something out of me :)

25. Role model

Honestly i dont think i have a role model atm! I try not to compare myself with people, so my brain has turned that into dont try to be like anyone. If i reeeeeally had to choose though, my elementary school (?) Art teacher. He not only helped me with the first art project i was ever proud of, he also would be playing guitar as we walked into class and when he stopped and we thought he was done and started clapping, hed start playing again. He even played behind his head if i recall correctly!

27. Things i hate

I hate cringe culture. I also hate fast fashion. I also hate anything that makes fun of children for their interests.

28. I'll love you if...

My love language is touch, and i have chronic pain, THEREFORE, if you give me a massage im legally required to marry you. Before we started dating, i was making waffles for my partner and complained about my shoulders. They randomly came up and gave me a massage! They're stuck with me forever now (sorry babe i dont make the rules)

31. 3 random facts

AAAA I TELL THIS ONE TO EVERYONE! Any bees you see outside the hive (aka worker bees) are female! All the males are drones and only serve as reproduction matter. Had a (female) boss tell me "thats not true, they're called "worker" bees" n i looked at her, at her job, and was like "what are you doing right now"

Link, from legend of zelda, is canonically androgynous! He was designed to be able to connect with on a personal level, and therefore whatever gender the player wanted him to be

My initials are MEM and i have a friend who wanted me to marry someone whos last name started with E so we could hyphenate the last names and make my initials MEME

32. Are your friends mainly girls or guys?

Mainly girls and nonbinary folk!

33. Something you want to learn

BLACKSMITHING

34. Most embarrassing moment

Idk if this is the MOST embarrassing bc memory bad but i was on my first date with my last ex, we were bowling and it was a double date with two of their friends. They get up to bowl and as theyre trying to head to the ball dispenser, i move to touch their butt as a joke (they didnt mind we were both v touchy) and they moved away right as i did so i missed and fell off the bench. They didnt even notice lol!

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

I want a farm. Not any sort of big thing, just enough acres for a few animals, a nice garden, and some bees. And maybe a blacksmith workshop.

On that farm, i want a divination shop! Just a little building with a front room for supplies and such, but the main attraction are the two back rooms. Decked out with tapestries and blankets and pretty fabric decorating the walls and ceilings, super comy couches or chairs around a beautiful table where we host readings of all sorts. Tarot, rune, bone throws, ect.

As soon as the farm starts up this one will likely be done, but to fill the time between now and then (bc farm is end goal) id love to be a theatre costume designer! Head honcho would be best, but honestly I'll take any position sewing :)

40. Favorite memory

Again, memory bad, but a good one is taking pictures of the highschool ex i thought i was gonna marry. I was in a photography class, and at the time planned on being a photographer professionally, so we ran around her neighborhood (she lived in a really nice area) and took pictures! Theres one of here where the sun speckles in and makes a bunch of "orbs" and it looks like shes surrounded by faeries.

51. Starsign

Leo sun, gemini moon, libra rising

52. Something you're talented at

I dont really think im talented at anything, but if i didnt say singing i think my friends would have me on a stake lol

53. 5 things that make me happy

Bees, stuffed animals, finishing costumes, my partners, and puppets!

55. Tumblr friends

Honestly i rlly dont have people i talk to consistently here, but id definitely say @rovah17 is one of em!! Thanks for being sweet bro :)

59. Why i joined tumblr

I was 14 and my friend i roleplayed with every single day told me i had to check this site out. Idr her reasoning, probably smth about fandoms, but ive been stuck ever since. I wish i could remember my first url lol!

That was long and i talked far too much but that was really fun to write!!!

#scouts log

[breathingwithdifficulty]

i don't feel good. i feel little. words are hard to find and i want to talk to someone but its late and no one is awake and i dont really have anything to say.

i feel bad for myself. like, not really the myself of the now, she doesn't need my pity, but like my small self. and maybe that is the myself of the now. at least, that's what it feels like.

this year its gotten progressively harder to remind myself that my parents love me. i know they do. they do, right? but like my dad never visits and my mom doesn't text anymore and no one knows my interests or my hobbies or what im doing in school and it just feels so lonely sometimes.

most of the time i feel normal. grown. i have my own apartment and my own money and my own life. but sometimes my car breaks down or an assignment makes me cry or i look at my bank account and i just want an adult that i can call and say "i feel sad, please help" and actually get help.

i don't feel good. i feel sick-sad, where my stomach is all twisty and my hands feel like they're buzzing and i keep rubbing my cheek on my stuffed animal just to feel its softness. i feel scared. i feel alone.

it makes me feel insane sometimes, this distance between my parents and i. it makes me feel desperate, crazy for seeking out this parental relationship with any adult that comes into my life.

my friend's mom sent me a starbucks giftcard. i cried. a different friend's mom bought me a crockpot because my friend told her ive been struggling cooking meals for myself. a different friends mom offered to buy me groceries because i was worried i wouldn't be able to afford them. each of them have had more one-on-one, genuine conversations with me than i've had with my parents in the last few years. i feel sick. i went to my professor's house and he watched me accidentally burn 2 marshmallows in a row and said "do you want me to make you one?" and i literally could've cried then and there. i went on a date with a girl who talked about how she loves her mom so much and knows she's her number one supporter. she asked me about my relationship with my parents and i didn't even wanna say it. i feel insane.

i feel pitiful, but i just wanna be taken care of for a bit. just wanna lay down on the couch with my head in someones lap and not have to worry about taking care of myself for a minute. it doesn't seem so much to ask but im wondering if it really is. if im too much.

when i get like this, sometimes i get a thought like "i miss my dad" or "i miss my mom" but then i see them and it doesn't make the ache go away. i don't miss them, i miss something i don't think ive had in a long time (maybe ever) and its devastating because i don't know if i'll ever get it. i passed the age where i can sit in my mom's lap and cry because i got a hole in my favorite socks, or where i can call my dad and ask him what i should have for dinner because i can't make a decision right now. i feel so old and so young and so sad.

thanksgiving is coming up and im looking forward to it for the food and the company but like. i can't even be myself around my family half the time, not because they would disapprove (some of them would) but because they don't care. it's always "how are your grades? still in your major? where do you live now?" and not like "so what've you been up to? done anything fun? how are you? what do you like to do?" because in their mind, they don't need to ask those questions, they think they already know. they think im still the quiet, book-nerd, shy girl in the back of the class. which, part of me still is, but i like other things now. im another person now.

every year i get asked what i want for christmas and every year im happy with what i get. im not hard to shop for, i don't think, but especially these past years ive realized that like... no one knows what i want because they don't know what i like. part of that is because im intensely insecure about my interests and part of it because i have a reason to be - id get made fun of and there's certain things i just really don't wanna hear shit about.

so this year i sucked it up and made a christmas list. an actual one, with stuff i like on there, even if my family doesn't understand it or know the tv show references or why i want so many stickers. i made a big list of everything ive secretly been wanting, ranging from like $1 stickers to like $40 sweaters. it was oddly scary for me. it still is. i don't know if anyone will get me anything off that list, but if they do, im scared for the reaction, just a bit. i don't wanna open something on christmas and get "yeah, so what is that? i don't get it" or "that sounds gay" when i explain it, or "okay..." when they're disinterested.

i know its a little silly but i don't really care. im sad. my head hurts. its late but im not tired and i just want a hug. i wanna rock back and forth and hold my weighted dinosaur and chew on his horns. im so done with this

12:16am

11/14/23

#text #its that time of the year #mine #.txt #inner child

[ninthtwilight]

sorting out Playlist Stuff.

HUGE spoilers under the cut. if youre stumbling on this and do not already know The Spoiler / have not finished reading you should skitter off. this is going to get really long so like buckle up.

here is the playlist itself. its private, but the link will let u listen if u keep it. tracks 3, 6, and 7 are loud. the final track gets loud at the end.

SO. this is a sayo / beato / shkanon centric playlist. some tracks represent one more than the others. it varies. here goes lmao.. WOW i hate tumblr text editing.

track 1: the entire fucking track honestly hits. but specifically:

wild animal, caught in natures stride / ill go rabid on sight, you cant run nor hide / you cant escape might longer / dont try to fly away + and i pray for love / all ive done / i pray for you / all you are

this is, to me, extremely like. early beato. the witch of the legend ! larger than life, cruel and unflinching. yet there is something underneath it all, something we dont know yet. theres a couple different segments of the song that remind me of the different aspects of sayo, which is neat.

track 2: really this one is just about vibe setting. to me it represents like that feeling of the story opening and unravelling the mystery.. before we reach the heart

track 3: aggressive and Loud. this is her at her most brash and ruthless.

youre a lot like me, im a lot like you.

ithink this one is pretty obvious, tbh.

track 4: the vibe begins to shift here.

i feel like a monster, feel like a monster / tell me im not, tell me im not

"who am i ?". something desperate and pleading. the heart, showing itself. 'please hear me'.

track 5: ohhhhh boy. go read all of the lyrics for it. its hard to pick a selectoin. but i went with this:

i dont love me anymore / and all my thoughts become a total jealous void / maybe next year, we'll implode / wouldnt that be nice, for a change ?

.. 6 years.

track 6: HARD vibe shift.

i've melted myself into this room i'm in / the things we see aren't the same / and / you can't see at all / you can't see it / you can't see it / you can't see

tht desperation to be aknowledged as real. as herself.

track 7: Pain Peko.

....YEah. between the title and the pure agony and crushing feeling this track brings to the table, it felt perfect.

and it always ends the same, with me in your mouth again / ill ride your coattails if i cant reach the rest of you

+

and i grew a hundred teeth to treat you like the food i eat / i break the plate, you wont stay ahead of me forever (and nobody could ever understand)

track 8: a few lyrics stuck out to me here:

i want this to hurt / i want you to tear me open / i want you to feel me underneath your fingernails + tell me you feel this / tell me you know my hearts alive / say you wanna tear me open again

"hurry and kill me quickly". the endless fighting between one another, but desperately just wanting to be understood under it all

track 9: we are reaching full sadness saturation quick after this one. this one is dripping a bitterness almost to me that REALLY reminded me of kanon specifically

alight is the flame / that lights my soul and casts me down to hell / i've got a lot of secrets i can't tell / i guess you too + so you're in love, so you're in love with me / i tell you, honest to god / you better move on

im not 100% on this tracks placement. it might scoot up higher. shrug. WE ARE NOW IN FULL SAD. HERE WE GO.

track 10: this song like hit me in the face when i first heard it.

embrace my body / pretend it wasn’t even there / it wasn’t even there + and when i lie awake / i can see figures in my head / (do you too) / if so can i ask / do i resemble any of them ?

You Know. You Know.

track 11 + 12: these are both instrumental ambient tracks. there is something about them that very strongly hit me. the quiet love and sadness within 11, and the aching gentleness of 12. absolutely beautiful works. a moment to breathe before the end

track 13: OHHH BOY.

just. the entirety of it.

look what i've done / now i'm the only one for you it gets so lonely, doesn't it? / i never expected this and we fall together / and we call each other / cause there's no one else to call

this screams ep8 to me. HARD. it felt like the perfect conclusion to this as a result.

there are a couple tracks that are NOT on sc that i would put in here. for exampl one is 'pathetic' by S:

did it mess you up ? this wasnt in the plan / i wish you werent trying to do this / you might hate me for it later + are you missing last year ? / are you missing me ? / so ive lost this game / please go away.

heavy ep4 "i dont want to do this anymore" "go rest. i will handle it all." energy imo.

anyway. yeah. theres my weird playlist. i want to make more for other characters too big time :0)

#why did my tag not work #rude. #🐴 txt #🐴 notes vault containment zone

[woozi]

yza 🥺🤍

i die a little everytime you say ma cherie 😭. also felt. jeonghan 🧍🏾‍♀️ he's getting too prettier fr

me @ anything which tries to bring you discomfort 🤺🤺🤺, glad lil angel (correction: devil) hannie helped <3

how have i been? hshsjdjdkdkdjjd IVE BEEN UNWELL EVER SINCE CHEOL CONFIRMED HIS TATTOOS PLS 😭😭🤕 all this time only joshua was my '🤕' and cheol my comfort but these days it's been reversed 😭😭 AND THE RECENT LIVE- DHJDHDJDNDKDKDKDJD HE'S SO EVIL YZA i've been unwell bc of him but otherwise i'm doing fine :'3

icb i'm saying this but i've become a ghibli lover ( only seen 4 movies hdejsk ), i can now understand what the hype is about but before indulging into them, it did overwhelm me a little 😭 it's like how if someone were to ask me for svt recs and how i would sit down with my list of songs, going seventeen eps, pictures separated by units, favorites, covers etc dhdjkdkd. im not into animes that much but ghiblis are slowly becoming my comfort movies 🥺 ( LMAOOO WAIT- JUST LIKE HOW WOOZI DID THAT 6 HOUR LIVE EXPLAINING/RANKING FAVORITE ANIMES 😭😭 too much recs or hype about something doesn't end well for me hdjddk thankfully it didn't happen this time ) which ones are your favorite ghibli movies?

ive also been consumed by the bets concert moments, it's so heartwarming to see the boys having fun. my favorite ones have got to be carats cosplaying as carrots or dressing up like svt's alter egos from caratland 😭 it's so cute to see them reacting to them. no.1 spot is locked with seungkwan watching a carat twerk 😭 that was so funny 😭 which ones have been your favorites? feel free rant hehe <3

what have you been upto? 🥺 i hope you're doing well i missed you so much <3 everytime i see chan being cute or loser (affectionate) i'm always like yza probably enjoyed and laughed bc of it dhjdkdkd also his arms.

sending only the best day vibes towards you <3 - 🪂

WHAT CAN I DO U REALLY ARE MY DEARESTTTTTT <333

what better than a little devil also fighting the other demons in my life <3 esp need it rn it's my final week before a bit of break (a week to be exact) from uni and my schedule is sOOO LOADED 😭

"my '🤕'" MADE ME LAUGH SMMMMMMMMMM U COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT BETTER WITH SO LITTLE WORDS!!!!!!!!!!! ALSO SAME?????????????????????????????????? think i abt had a stroke fr when he revealed that it was real oh my god yOURE SOOOOO VALID!!!! sumn abt him these days fr, i think the asia leg of the tour esp did something to him lmfao

ALSO THE WAY WE ARE BECOMING THE SAME PERSON FDKJDFJDF I'VE ALSO BEEN GOING ON GHIBLI MARATHONS 😭😭😭 there's a bunch of em so i can definitely get how it can seem to be intimidating to get into but i'M GLAD U LIKED IT <3333 which ones are ur favorites? so far mine are (kinda expected) spirited away and arriety <3

AND BETS MY BELOVED </3333 ure so right it really is so heartwarming to see em very happy to see carats after 2 long years!! AND NOT THE TWERKING FDKJFDKJFDJKDFJK one of my favorite ones is dk dropping to the floor bc of a girlie almost popping a titty (only for the shock factor 😭). also not to be me but the one i always look forward to is the lil jihoon chan moment in _world </3

i'm so so glad u've been well <33 i've been p much the same, but my sched's just a bit more hectic bc it's my last year in uni <33 AND NAURRRRRRRR THE WAY HE WOULD EVEN REMIND U OF ME </33 IM DEVASTATED!!!!!!!!!! ALSO,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, youre so real for that something really shifted in the dinonara community since he sprouted Arms lmfao 😭

sending u strength, a big hug, and many flowers 🌸🌹🌼🥀💐🌻💮 <33333 LOVE U!!!

#cherie 🪂 #s-cxups #y.ask #long post

[totiredtowrite]

What Falling In Love Feels Like

Warnings - Kind of angst ig

Note: The amount of angsty fics ive read have made me wanna do one myself so you can blame @qtipcottonbuds among others for this 🤕

Anyways enjoy while I work on kitas old west part

Male Reader - Fem Readers DNI (she/her, she/they)

Rejection was hard.

Nobody ever said it wasn't, but somehow actually experiencing it was a little harder than it was on paper. You'd even told yourself that the absolute worst that could happen was him saying no. Though, you'd failed to think about how bad the worst actually felt.

Maybe it would've been easier if you were rejected by anybody else. Maybe it only felt like your heart was ripped out of your chest because it was him who held that cold, uninterested look in his eye. Maybe it was because it was him who had said "no" in such a bored tone of voice that you felt like your hands were freezing.

It was no secret to him, of course. It would take a fool not to notice how deeply you felt for him. How you looked at him like he was the only thing worth looking at, how you always made sure to keep his boundaries in mind when doing anything near him. How you'd said "I need you," with such a warm smile walking home from school.

Only when it became apparent to him that you needed him as more than a friend did he start to close himself off from you. Ironic, isn't it?

In part it was because he was afraid. Not of you, but of himself. Growing up, he'd always thought that men liking men was just something that happened. As a child, in his more ignorant mindset, he's thought it was 'gross' or 'weird.' As he got older that mindset changed, but whatever poison he'd internalized remained there.

So he got scared. He got scared that he could see the beauty in you, that he knew how much he wanted you as well. That want translated into fear, and then as far as you were concerned, you were nothing but a speck of dirt on his jacket.

"I know it must be weird, huh?" You'd said with a nervous, jittery smile. "'Specially cause I've known you so long." You were holding out hope that he would show some expression aside from that stone cold gaze, but you were starting to feel smaller and smaller under his eyes.

"I'm in love with you, Sakusa Kiyoomi."

God was it hard. Confessing. You planned it out, you thought of every word and every tone, but when the time came you just...spoke your mind. Sakusa wanted to say something, he did. Maybe let you down easy. Though that thought stopped dead in its tracks when you finished.

"And I hope you could, possibly, feel the same?"

He wanted to be yours, he wanted it so badly. He wanted you to be his too. But, as beautiful as his realization was, it wasn't enough to break the surface. It wasn't enough for him to say anything worthwhile back.

"Sorry, but no."

He regretted it, sure. Regretted how devastated you looked. Regretted how despite the obvious pain on your face, you just forced a smile at him and said "oh." He regretted how you'd said sorry, like what you felt was wrong. He regretted how you pulled at your hands in an attempt not to cry in front of him because he knew that you knew he didn't know what to do when people cried.

And most of all, he regretted how he couldn't find the words. How easily he rejected you, how easily he'd simply said no. He regretted it all because he knew that he felt the exact same way. He knew, but you didn't. You didn't know that he harboured so much feeling for you that it felt like he would explode. And now you thought that he was nothing but a stone cold jerk who couldn't even spare an expression for you while breaking your heart in two.

Lastly, if anything, it was now a jarring reminder of how much of a coward he was. A reminder, when he lies awake in a cold sweat, of how he was too scared to be with the person he cared for the most. A reminder of how he could only find the words on his own, staring up at the ceiling multiple nights after.

"I need you too."

~

Do not repost, translate, or copy my work on to other platforms.

#hq x male reader #m!reader #anime x male reader #x male reader #male reader #haikyuu x male reader #sakusa kiyoomi x male reader #sakusa x male reader #kiyoomi x male reader