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charismaofobedience · 6 months

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what makes you think mikoto is good rep? specifically, what is it about double that convinces you?

Okay okay, it took me some time to perfectly articulate my thoughts on how MIkotos system isn't horrible rep and instead was tackled... Somewhat well? This was also written after me and another friend who's a system discussed this extensively and how our own situations lowkey match the situation Mikoto himself is facing. Under the cut because I did *not* expect this to get so long </3

To start it off with some debunking of things people have been mentioning as "oh but this proves he's not a system" (after Milgram itself confirmed them as one but oh well), the whole thing on how DID only appears during childhood isn't... Really the full truth? The most common thing to happen with DID is, instead, for someone to develop the conditions for it through their childhood, but the symptoms only start showing when older. I myself was a case of that and while it started around my 6 years, we only had our first split at 14. Mikotos just happen to be later. I personally also think that, during the phone call with his mom, there wouldn't just have a random baby crying noise for no reason. He probably developed it that early, but just didn't split until recently, however that's just my own reading and not anything confirmed.

For the point of "but then, why don't the milgram rules work on John if he is indeed the killer? This proves it's Mikoto who killed", just look at irl court cases of systems. The one being judged will always be the host almost all the times, after all, he's the main one who fronts, and not whichever alter committed the murder. The host and body would be the one in jail etc in a real life prison, not the alter who committed it. Milgram is a perfect parallel to that, with Mikoto being restrained and the Es barrier working on him even if he didn't commit any murder while John, the alter and one who committed the crime, doesn't has any restraints or barrier that work on him. Because Mikoto is the host and core of their system, not John.

Second, some quick system terminology. I'll be using the terms host, protector/persecutor and dormancy on this, so for a quick understanding: Host means that, basically, that alter is the one who mainly fronts and takes care of things, may or may not be the core ("original" person), but at Mikotos case I'll assume he's both the core and the host. Protector is what the name implies, they're alters who have as their purpose to protect the system and body. Persecutors just so happen to be protectors who have more drastic means to do things and will inherently be harmful to the system in a way in another, they are not necessarily bad, and might instead just be misguided and think what they are doing is a solution for a issue and that by doing so they're protecting the system. Finally, dormancy is when an alter of a system... Well, goes into dormancy. They can't come to front anymore and will be "asleep" for some time or even forever depending on the conditions. A inclusion is also possible, where two alters (or more) will become one etc, but I don't think that will be the case for Mikoto.

So, as it's settled, Mikoto is the Host and Core of the system and Orekoto/John is the Protector/Persecutor of it. Let's get to the explanation now.

Mikoto's split seemingly very much occurred due to the stress situation he had been feeling from his work. We have John welcoming him home twice through the mv and noticing that Mikoto isn't smiling or anything when coming home anymore and it isn't the only times judging by the "another day" mention. We can see on the second one he's either getting the subway to go home or go to work (probably the first one), but on the first time it's said we get to see Mikoto's phone and, specifically, messages coming through and through.

All the texts are coming from his boss, and from the looks of it Mikoto works for a black company in Japan, so it's no wonder he's stressed and very clearly depressed there. Judging by the time Mikoto would be going back home at midnight and, at that time, he's texted by his boss that he needs to remake a whole product and correct mistakes from another thing for the next day of work, and with "next day" you can bet they mean "when i see you in around 10 hours". For now, this is the main reasoning and sustenance we have for "but why did he split?", aka, Mikoto was under a lot of stress on work and it lingered even when he was home to the point that, eventually, John split as himself and, as himself said, he's got Mikoto, and he could leave it all to him.

By this point I like to think it was already John fronting to reply to the boss call. John got tired of Mikoto overworking himself to the brink of breaking down to appease to his boss and superiors and, wanting to help, came to front to "take it all on" in his own words. I think bringing MeMe up for Double discussion is extremely important because we have to remember that MeMe was visibly only from Mikoto's point of view while in Double we have John telling his own point of view. I don't think Mikoto is lying about not knowing he's a system etc, but instead that Mikoto thinks something is wrong, yes, that he knows whoever this person ruining his life is both not him and him at the same time (mirror scene), but isn't aware exactly that he's a system. John is portrayed as scary and evil and cruel etc in MeMe because that's what Mikoto assumes to be happening, Mikoto doesn't know whatever John is doing and what are his intentions, we knew since them Mikoto is the type of guy to take things happening to him lightly (joking about the milgram situation etc) because he may think he deserves it, and this extended to his work and personal life. Through MeMe we see Mikoto looking sad and not smiling anytime until we got to the ending in the headspace where he's sitting on the couch somewhat smiling, but not looking downright miserable like he is in double because Mikoto's main focus was that there is some scary guy there, not that his work life was putting him under so much strain to the point of splitting. Hell, his work life was never brought up until Double anyways, because Mikoto didn't think it was important and kept playing as if it was cool (even during the call with his mom in Double, as John showed us) and that he could handle it, meanwhile Double has John showing us just how miserable Mikoto looked after work and some situations that would happen on his day to day work, how he never went back home smiling etc. MeMe has a bigger focus on Mikoto, as a Host, not knowing that he's a system and how scary that can feel when you're fully unaware of why you're seemingly doing certain actions that you're not aware of when they're brought up to you, meanwhile Double focuses on his alter, John, telling us about his own motivations and the truth about Mikoto's daily life, showing us that whatever it is he did was to protect Mikoto because being a protector is his role in the system. Mikoto didn't take his issues seriously in MeMe, and in Double John gives us a glimpse on how bad it was. For Mikoto, all of his personal issues were coming from the fact that there was an Evil Scary Serial Killer guy around, while John tells us that nuh uh, it was capitalism all along and he'll protect Mikoto from that stress.

The voice drama also tracks some of these points, such as Es mentioning that Mikoto laughs whenever he's troubled and rarely gets angry or frustrated, ignoring problems, and Es mentioning that John acts more rationally, contrary to what he expected... After all, Es' only views of John came from MeMe as a mv, and then from John getting angry and frustrated as Es because, in the beginning, to John it all felt like people were trying to trouble and hurt Mikoto yet again. He was just doing his job as a protector.

I've seen most people say that the "made me a scoundrel" refers to us, the viewers, but also... I feel it might also just be John talking with Mikoto himself. Mikoto saw John as a evil bad alter on MeMe as we just discussed, and from what we see here... Yes, John is violent and impulsive, but he's still a protector who did things with the goal of "I need to protect Mikoto" in mind. We didn't knew that through the entirety of MeMe because Mikoto himself didn't know, and John might be frustrated that the guilty verdict could have come only because Mikoto portrayed himself in such a way first and foremost. John asks him why he's crying because I'm fairly sure he isn't aware that Mikoto isn't aware of him either. The main issue at play here is the fact their system communication is horrible if not non existent. They can't communicate with each other properly for some reason even through writing etc, so there's no way for them to be certain of how the other feels. There's no way for Mikoto to know why John was doing all that. There's no way for Mikoto to know John was trying to protect and help him.

John in the middle of Double even states that he doesn't know why he's there. So yes, most of us are all assuming it was all due to Mikoto's stress with work, but hell we could all be wrong because, again, Mikoto refuses to open up and actually talk about issues with anyone. "Come to know me as an honest man" is John asking for all of us and Es to go and know him as himself, as John the alter, and not the vision Mikoto had of him on MeMe and the entirety of trial one. Because yes, you can't change the violent nature of his, but we should at least come to know and understand that he is a protector and was simply trying his best to protect Mikoto from something (what? We don't know and can't be sure, but yet again, our best bet for now is his job). John is seemingly willing to open up more this trial, admitting he is indeed the one who committed the murder and asking Es to understand the situation they're being put under, with Mikoto feeling stressed and please forgive him, because Mikoto is not the one who committed the murders. I'm sure we will get more on their situation etc when the questions for Mikoto and Kotoko come, but for now we only have that.

John simply wished to save and protect Mikoto, he himself doesn't know how it all ended like *this* (Mikoto as guilty and not innocent, running away from him on the train because, again, Mikoto isn't aware John is simply trying to help him). Having John asking us to forgive Mikoto many times through both the mv (first image of these 3) and voice drama (next screenshot) basically affirms his beliefs and wishes, that he wants us to guilt him, but not Mikoto. After all, if we get another guilty verdict? In his own words Mikoto will go into dormancy due to the stressful situations of having two guilty verdicts in a row, but if Mikoto gets a innocent this time around? Then, there will be less need for John to front... After all, if the situation becomes a bit more calming for them, then John's purpose of protecting Mikoto will be gone for some time... What we can't have, however, Is Mikoto going into dormancy and then forcing John as the new host, because John wouldn't know what to do by then. He was born to be a protector and his identity is intrinsically connected to this role, the duty of protecting Mikoto, for him, comes above him as his own person. With Mikoto's dormancy, John himself would lose his purpose and motive of existing.

And even so, John apologizes at the end of the milgram, questioning even his own existence that "none of this wouldn't have happened if I wasn't even born". In John's eyes, he failed on his role of a protector by getting Mikoto into this situation. The protector guilt is shown so greatly on John that I did tear up a bit when first watching the Double mv and reading the lyrics. The fact they expanded away from the "scary evil alter" troupe that Mikoto made us belief in trial 1 into a protector/persecutor who feels guilt that his actions caused harm to the host? Into a protector with low empathy who cares more for the well being of their host than his own? Mikoto was neutral on the scale of "is this good system rep" for me initially because, again, Mikoto himself didn't know he was a system. Now we got more information on how things work thanks to John and, from the feelings of how scary finding out there's someone else besides you to the fear of realizing that the person who did whatever the hell it was wasn't you mentally, but it physically was you at the same time is terrifying. I think their writing was very well handled to cover the topics of fear and guilt from both sides. Mikoto is still a host who's unaware of the fact he's a system. John is a protector who feels like he failed on his role after getting Mikoto into this mess. Their communication, due to seemingly being a recent split, is non existent so they cant fully talk with each other to comprehend the other. To me, this is a perfect example of how it felt when I myself found out I wasn't a singlet. I don't think Mikoto's writing is perfect and has no flaws, not at all, but on the grander scale of things? Having this type of rep coming from a japanese song media franchise is great and almost unseen since it's mostly always used as a joke or for the scary evil alter trope alone. Milgram and the team could do some stuff better, sure, but from what we have right now? It's far from me of calling them "bad system representation". After all, just like John tells Mikoto, they're both doing their best.

#Milgram #Mikoto Kayano #John Kayano #Orekoto #milgram analysis #♡𑁬࿔ chii talks

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distant--shadow · 1 month

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I don’t know how to reconcile my love for Imodna and my fear that they’re going to not be end game… which is causing me a fear of purchasing artworks. Do you have any advice?

I’m afraid I’ll do it, hang it, love it and be completely heartbroken and want/need to take it down. OR, they do end up together, I don’t buy the art and then the art won’t be available that long down the line. I have stress and fear..

Sorry if this is dumb

hey there! first off, it ain't dumb. I know I freak out a little bit at the reality of when this campaign will be over, and I was the same with c2, jester was my character of all time and I had been watching live since the first episode aired, it's a lot of time to spend with a character/characters and real understandable to feel that way. it's always bittersweet, but life moves on

and I guess that's it, you have to enjoy what you enjoy whilst you have it. this is a show that's a lot like life, in that your favourite character could easily die one week without much rhyme or reason, no scripted foreshadowed build up. so give yourself to enjoying that thing whilst its here, share that enjoyment with others, and know that in the future there won't be an empty void - there will be something else.

speaking from the point of view of an artist, yeah, of course I think any of us would really appreciate the support, it's rough times, and once again, i can say from experience it's real nice to have that artwork there to see whilst you care about it. enriched environment and all that. and it's hard to say who's enthusiasm will stay, whether the couple is still together in canon or not, or once the show is over. I'm not someone who dabbles in more than one fandom at a time and this is the most I've committed myself to one, personally, but also personally, I'm a slutty aromantic so like whilst I do really care for imodna as a ship and all of that, it's kinda always been Imogen first for me. a whole lot of us were invested in them as a couple before it happened, I'm sure a lot of us would have been invested in it regardless, and we can still love what we were given either way. I love the story of it, I think for me the bump in the road makes it even more interesting, and something we haven't really been given by a CR romance during the campaign before (maybe we had in c1 idk I didn't watch it)

also, getting personal again, I'm also old enough to be of a generation where there wasn't a lot of queer rep. there was a lot of settling for subtle glances and heavy subtext. what we've had already has been so good, I really enjoy it, I love that we're already passed a time of like, well we don't have a lot of queer rep so everything we do has to be all lawful good alligned flowers and smiles and basically rebranded heteronormative fairytale romance but with coming-out grief, it's so far from beauyasha baybeeeee endgame and honestly for me that's perfect. these two have always had great charisma acting together and I love the layers and complexities we get from these two particular characters working out being in a romantic relationship with the burdens they carry, those years they had together before the campaign started and all of that ground we can play with, how they saved eachother...

have fun, try not to stress about being legitimised by others, enjoy your corners of fandom and fic and art and meta and interactions and your own conclusions and attractions and relations. take all the joy you can from the little things in life. make them as big as you want them to be.

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twocubes · 5 months

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I have a tarot reading request about my work + social life situation. I am basically burnt out from my job to the point that I'm unable or unwilling to accept even thanks or praise. Most of it relates to my manager, who has an imprecise yet emotionally blunt and at times exacting manner of communication that feels tailor-made to make technical discussions nearly impossible (I am a software engineer, and a fairly sensitive person. He is a military veteran who believes strongly in doing the fastest thing that works, and has been known to critique people to their face openly in group settings.) So I know the "correct" thing to do is grind up my LeetCode and start job hunting … but that would mean sitting down with a traditional data structures & algorithms text when I feel like I would much rather invest myself intellectually in my pipe dream of learning mathematics / getting, someday, to participate in the new univalent foundations of mathematics (maybe even as a programmer.) At the same time, the usual outlets I might have of getting to go for long walks / socialize on weekends feel increasingly out of reach, since I live in the outskirts of my city and the public transit authority there has been cancelling the trains for shuttle buses for most weekends, for what is going on 2 years now (at least since after the pandemic.) Having to ride buses instead of just hop on a train on weekends, for promised signal improvements that feel like they will never come, is slowly killing any sense of spontaneity and connection with casual human society outside of work for me. And even thinking about moving feels impossible (I have a housemate, my sibling, who I love dearly but I'm just not sure I want to commit to another 3-5 yrs. of cohabitation with.) Every direction in which I might reasonably turn for some vision of life outside of the cramped, artificial one where our company is super great! and everything is super exciting! despite the burnout and the constant reorgs and the whole new managerial clique we just got that's in charge of everything now, and, and, and … feels increasingly closed off. Would love any interpretation you could offer.

thank you for volunteering your fate to be decided by our still experimental divinatory process, here at dorothy twocubes' 24-hour bad advice hour™! as always, i must remind you, that this should only be taken seriously if it's good advice; otherwise, it's a joke, haha, why would you take it seriously? anyways let's get started

you seem to have some idea of what you want, and you seem to need advice regarding what to do next, so i will try with that mainstay, that good old spread that everyone likes and uses, Sun Tzu's five factors that decide battles. also i haven't done this in a while and this one i used a bunch before so maybe it's appropriate idk

alright.

Purpose: ONE OF FISHES, reversed Purpose here means what you're trying to do, your goals. If you were like, a leader of a group, it would be the reason that other people follow you. What keeps you going as like, an entity. FISHES are to do with your social position in the world, where you are relative to others in the way that it defines who you are. ONE is to do with something being complete, filled, all there, enough. that sort of thing and it's reversed

Landscape: ONE HALF OF HEARTS, reversed Landscape here means the environment you're navigating. Where you are relative to other things and other people in the sense of like, obstacles or resources or... yknow, things that must be practically considered HEARTS are to do with perpetuance; with what it is that sustains, what allows something to continue to exist. health, both literal and metaphorical ONE HALF is to do with stuff being incomplete; things that are started but not finished, things that are there but not sufficient, partialness and it's reversed

Climate: NINE OF DIAMONDS, reversed Climate here means transient stuff that affects the landscape. The mood of the world, the weather. The way the world is changing. DIAMONDS are to do with what you value, what gives your life purpose, meaning. What fulfills you. and it's reversed

Doctrine: OMEGA PLUS ONE OF DIAMONDS, upright Doctrine is what you are trained to do, what your standard operating procedures are. What you can do without having to learn to do new things. OMEGA PLUS ONE is to do with utopia. While OMEGA is to do with your ideals, that which you pursue without particular expectation that you might ever attain, OMEGA PLUS ONE is to do with the world that you might imagine if you attained your maybe-unattainable ideals. and it's upright

Leadership: EIGHT OF DIAMONDS, reversed Leadership is the strategy you chose, given all the other things here. EIGHT is to do with networks. Stuff being connected to stuff that is connected to more stuff. and it's upright

In addition, there is an arithmetic relationship between the cards:

8 + 1 = 9 this suggests that we should think of our interpretation of 9 as being a more direct consequence of the coordination of 8 and 1

I read these cards thus:

You are in a situation here where, in principle, your social position is fully secured, but your desire here is to leave this security.

The world you live in is one where people are struggling to support themselves and what-makes-them-themselves, and at the moment people are overall having to make hard choices regarding the pursuit of those precious things that make their life worth living.

You have the ability already, without having to learn it, to do what you think you would do in ideal circumstances.

So, given all this, the cards are suggesting that you should reach out in pursuit of what-gives-your-life-value and work with others; friends, acquaintances and acquaintances-of-acquaintances. In particular, the hard choices other people are making may give you some form of opportunity to change your social position.

...

Anyways, that's my reading. Maybe these cards make sense to you in some other way? Maybe this is helpful? Maybe it isn't? Either way, I claim no responsibility :p

Thanks for this opportunity to further test our experimental variant on the classic card-based rpg solitaire "cartomancy". i would be happy for feedback or a tip, but, it's also absolutely fine if you'd rather not. it's your choice, and we respect that.

#nouveau tarot nouveau

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chemicalarospec · 6 months

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My Death Note Playlists (prt 1 of my fav lyrics)

They're basically all "emo" btw.

I have two: the full playlist

and the "canon compliant" version -- which does NOT mean the songs support a canon-compliant interpretation, but that they were released before 2010. Canon timeline, you see, ignoring the 9/11 thing. (I'm a little more picky with this one in general.)

Okay now I'm just going to highlight my favorite lyrics that I blorbo brain all over (predominantly Light, and lots of Lawlight ranging from platonic murder to romantic lovers to romantic murder). It will be long, so here's a cut!

I'll pick out songs going down "full playlist" in order.

"Liar (It Takes One to Know One)" by Taking Back Sunday

Obvious, but "we're all choir boys at best" deserves attention. "It takes one to know one" shouted at the end -- all of Light and L knowing each other better than anyone.

"Juneau" by Funeral for a Friend

"I'm nothing more than a line in your book." Hey, I didn't say all these connections were good.

"Spin" by Taking Back Sunday

The whole thing is very Light to L.

"Looking for a Tornado" by Chiodos

Maybe I got a little lost while searching for my faith stuck to your cross You set fire to everything around [...] Do I believe in love; do I believe in heaven? (At the sound of church bells, they come running) All my clocks stuck on eleven; afraid if I hit my knees, I might get nothing

^ Lawlight /romantic intent /sexual intent

This is the sound of your savior running in need of anything to save you from nothing

^ bonus God/savior complex Light

"Always and Never" by Silverstein - "Don't have a heart attack"

"War Crimes" by Waterparks

kinda Light and Misa. "I wear a smile that's about a mile wide" lol. and "My death will be the fandom [sic]" for L.

"The Words 'Best Friend' Become Redefined" by Chiodos

The title as their fake-friendship-with-murderous-intent. Lyrics as romantic dying Lawlight. +"To hide from our twisted ways/I've been hiding in this bed"

"Fist Wrapped in Blood" by Silverstein

I love toxic couples. Cannibalism couples. Violence couples. (Some tntduo vibes in this one too, xoxo tntduo, still kinda my OTP.) "A Midwestern State Of Emergency" for similar reasons (we got the wild line "Bound and gagged but I enjoy it") + "Your saving grace, my final rites"

"One Day All Women Will Become Monsters" by Chiodos <3

That title but also "Always being the blind villain" -> Blind Lady Justice Light Yagami!!! + "Rip the haunting smirk from his face"

"Thank You for the Venom" by My Chemical Romance

Now I want to listen to Three Cheers looking for Death Note songs. (If I wasn't still finishing tntduo demolition lovers, Death Note demolition lovers would be sooo in.) Anyways: "I keep a gun on the book you gave me."

"Hard to Breathe" by Hawthorne Heights

"I spent my whole life lying/I just got caught." This one gets a big heading b/c that line is still the working title for my Light fic (yeah, it'll get posted. one day).

"There's no Penguins in Alaska" by Chiodos is a rare Misa moment on the playlist.

"Timberwolves at New Jersey" by Taking Back Sunday

"Literate and stylish/kissable and quiet/that's what girls' dreams are made of" and "This is you trying hard to make sure that you're seen/With a girl on your arm and your heart on your sleeve" = Light. Plus, the "me at my worst (committing murder)" theme of second half of the song

"Where Can I Stab Myself in the Ears" by Hawthorn Heights - "This is the ending, here's my surrender" & the complementing each other bridge theme. and lying.

"Why the Munsters Matter" by Chiodos

"I don't want to fit into your world/your heart/I hope I scare you"!!!!! It's NOT what happens in Death Note but it IS what Light and L are about IN MY HEAD.

"Ole Fishlips is Dead Now" is another rare Misa song. The "she's in love with herself" line but the subject is Light.

"Goldmine" by Paper Tigers

(link leads to song b/c the band is pretty indie)

Maybe that's something I admire Maybe you've made another enemy of me ... You goldmine Every little thing that you say It blows away my mind ... They say that pride proceeds the fall And that the sword is weaker than the pen

rare L to Light song on the playlist

"Your Sword Versus My Dagger" by Silverstein

Another Discovering the Waterfront track. "I'm cutting through, you're bleeding out/And I would tell the truth, but I can't help myself" + "I wasn't asking for the world" as another Light inverse/lying line (or kinda Misa) + "And I can see your face, and I can hear your name" in reference to Death Note rules lol.

"Is it Progression If A Cannibal Uses A Fork?" by Chiodos

"Listen up, sweetie!/We all know that you're a beautiful girl in this horrible world." - Light lol

"The solemn tolling of the funeral bells. I want to know what's going on in that pretty little head of yours where everyday's a Bone Palace Ballet."

"Divine Intervention" by Taking Back Sunday

rare soft song -- cutesy by Lawlight standards

Despondent, distracted You're vicious and romantic These are a few of my favorite things ... Something real, make it timeless An act of God and nothing less will be accepted ... We're stubborn and melodramatic A real class act

~a little skipping ahead to songs I wrote up out of order... part two will probably come next week!~

"The Brothers Karamazov" by The Used

all of it. but especially "I'm more than just my father's son" as an inverse of Light who is so little more than the son of a cop, "I see myself in everything I hate about you/I shut my mouth to stop myself from sounding like you" as him and L, and "Take me away from who I could become" as the conflict between Light and the influence of the Death Note.

"Chemicals" by Armor for Sleep

Lyrics about "you" dying ("I can picture your coffin"!!!) and the general vibe and:

And I’m on my back, on your floor. Tell me how you fooled the world again, I like how you laugh when you tell it

^ both L and Misa work. Light's evil laugh.

Play dead, cause I’ll be playing dead with you. I’ll play you when you’re dead in a year or two.

^ Light pretending to be L after he's dead.

"Three Simple Words" by Finch

"My hand's around your throat/who will stop me now?" !!! throwback to "Until the Day I Die", which I didn't highlight but also has "hands at your throat". I like the aggressive & repetitive usage in this song better. Light to L, of course.

Tune in next week for more of the same! (btw I had a lot going on so it's still not up but will edit this when I do it)

#death note #light yagami #lawlight #light death note #lawlight songs #yagami light #chem's death note arc #I said this #music #playlist #this is almost half the playlist and i'm pleased with how short i've gotten the post to be hehe #made the tough descision to take off Call it Karma #just didn't have strong enough vibes at the end of the day.

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fandomtherapy44 · 7 months

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castiel x reader

Summary: This story is from the perspective of Y/n Winchester. The sister Of Sam and Dean. We will be starting from season four since sadly we did not get Misha Collins as Castiel throughout the whole series. It will start off as a friendship, but it will grow more as the series goes on. I will be skipping some episodes even though they are great episodes they do not push the story forward. I am so excited to get to write this since they are not many Castiel X reader stories out there. Okay without further due Love War & Grace enjoy the Story.

Paring: Castiel X Reader

Word count: 4,088

Warnings: Some language, Typical Supernatural violence, Spoilers for season four of Supernatural

I got the divider from

Firefly Graphics

Chapter 10: It’s A Terrible Life

POV: Y/n

My alarm goes off at 6:00 and I get up happily. I go to my kitchen and start to make my breakfast of eggs, bacon, and grapes. I turn on my favorite song.

Oh!

Ohhhh, yeeeh

I used to think maybe you loved me now baby I'm sure

And I just can't wait till the day when you knock on my door

Now everytime I go for the mailbox, gotta hold myself down

'Cause I just can't wait till you write me you're coming around

I'm dancing around the kitchen and having so much that I don’t notice the time. “Crap I'm going to be late.”

I'm walking on sunshine, wooah

I'm walking on sunshine, woooah

And don't it feel good!

I walk in the coffee shop to get my boss's order with a smile on my face. “Hey brain, how's it going?” ” It’s going good Y/n, the regular” “You know it!” I said back to him I got the coffee, and I went on my way to my job.

I enter the building quickly, being five minutes away from being late. I walk calmly over to Mr. Alder’s office and knock on his door. “Come in” I hear from the other side and enter the room. “Good morning Mr. Alder, here is your black coffee with two sugars and two creamers.” I said placing the coffee down. “Aww thanks sweetheart you're the best secretary in the world.” For some reason a small chill went up my spine when he called me sweetheart. “No problem, it is my job, do you need anything else?” “Nah all you need to do is sit there and be pretty I'll call you if I do though.” With that comment I walked back to my desk.

It was lunchtime and I went to the break room to make a sandwich. My work bestie Lyndsey comes up to me. “Ugg, I swear if Mr. Carson makes me do his basic paperwork one more time, I might commit murder.” “Ha ha right.” “Oh, you have nothing to complain about, you have the top secretary spot in the company, and you've only been here for a month.” “I don’t know, all I have to do is just sit there. I get pretty bored to be honest.” “Oh, to be bored, I envy thee. Did you see Mr. Smith this morning so hot right?” She said, biting her lip. “Uh I don’t know.”

“Girl, are you blind whatever, did you have any more dreams about Mr. Businessman.” “You're just going to make fun of me.” “No, totally not.” I sighed looking into my coffee. “This time I was in a carpark, and I was hurt, and I hugged him, and he hugged back.” “Ohh did it go beyond hugging.” She said, raising her eyebrows up and down. “No no it’s nothing like that, it feels like a friendship.” “Ugg boring.” “You said you wouldn't make fun.” “I'm not, it's just my opinion.” Sometimes Lindsey could be a bitch that’s why she’s my work bestie.

I ran towards the elevator and yelled out for whoever was in there to hold it. “Thanks.” “No problem.” Mr. Smith and I think the other guy’s name was Sam. The three of us were just standing listening to the elevator music before Sam asked us a question. “Do I know you two?” Sam asked us. “Um I don’t think so, Sorry.” I responded. “I don't think so.” “I'm sorry, guys, you just look really familiar.” “Save it for the health club, pal.” With that Mr. Smith walked out of the elevator quickly. “Have a good night, Sam.” I told him. “You too?” “Y/n” “Right Y/n goodnight.”

I got home and got ready for bed and thought about Sam’s question. He did kind of look familiar even though I hadn’t really met him before. Oh well with that I went off to sleep.

The next morning I woke up feeling groggy and my head was filled with my dreams from the night before and I think I saw Mr.Smith and I think Sam in them. Which is really weird because I barley known them and what we were doing was hunting monsters so like what the hell?!

I walked down to Lynsey’s office because she was not in the break room for our daily coffee talk. When I go into her space, she is working hard which she never does. “Lyndsey? Lyn? Why don’t you take a break huh?” I go to touch her shoulder, but she does not take that well. “Don’t touch me Y/n! I don’t have time to sit around all day like you!” I was surprised because yeah, we weren't besties 24/7 but we wouldn't seriously insult each other. “Look Lyn I don’t know what’s wrong but whatever it is I can help you.” “No, you can’t! Just leave me alone. I have to work work…” She said drifting off not looking back at me.

I go to heat up my lunch, but the microwave is busted. “Oh, come on.” I went to the tech floor knowing that was the closest microwave to me. The elevator dings and I walk into a huge crowd of people around the break room, the reason being that a body was being rolled out. I look around and see Sam and Dean again.

Now what the hell is happening. As I sit down, I get a call. “Hello, this Mr. Alders-” “This is Mr. Smith I need you in my office now.” He hangs up and I put the phone down. I walk to his office, and I walk in, and Sam is in here too. “Am I in trouble?” I said because so far this is weird. “No no you're not. Just sit down.” Mr. Smith gestured to the chair, and I did. “Ok so this is going sound weird, but do you believe in ghosts?” Mr. Smith asked, and I was expecting a smile after that, but one didn't come. “He he, I'm sorry ghosts, is there a camera somewhere?” “No, unfortunately not Y/n he’s being serious.” Sam said, looking at me.

“Ghosts? What the Hell are you talking about?” “Okay, listen. What if these suicides aren't suicides? I mean, what if they're something not natural?” “So, what, ghosts are real? And they're responsible for all the dead bodies around here? Is that what you're telling me?” “That’s what Sam and I have concluded, yeah.” “Based on what? Delusion.” I said not believing what I was hearing. “No, Instinct.” “Instinct I think I have the same one.” Now remembering the dreams. “Really?” They both said at the same time.

“Yeah, I've been having these dreams with you guys in it, and we were killing monsters also I saw a businessman.” “Businessman didn’t see him but yes to the ghosts and the monsters.” Sam said. “So, you're telling me that your guy's dreams are special visions and you're some kind of psychics’?” “No. I mean, that would be nuts. I'm just saying something weird is definitely going on around here, right? So, I've been digging around a little.”

“Yeah, I agree with him.” I backed Sam up. Sam pulled at some papers. “I think I found a connection between the two guys.” He explained. “You broke into their email accounts?” “Nice Sam” I compilated him. “Thanks Y/n, I used some skills that I happen to have to satisfy my curiosity.” “So, it turns out Ian and Paul both got this same email telling them to report to HR, room fourteen forty-four.” “HR's on seven.” “Exactly.” “Should we go check this out?” “Like right now?” “No. No, it's getting late. You're right.” “I am dying to check this out right now.” “Right?” “Me too” I added, and we went on our way to room fourteen four-four.

We walk closer to the room, and we hear a man screaming. Sam kicked the door in, and we rushed in, and the man was under a shelf. We go to try to lift it off as we do. I look behind an old man standing there, and he flings Dean back. He walked to Sam with a sparky hand, and I had the thought to grab a wrench and hit him and he disappeared with that. Dean walks over and we lift the shelf off the man. “How'd you know how to do that?” They asked me. “I have no idea.”

Dean’s apartment was thankfully close. “Holy crap, Guys.” Dean said, referring to what just happened to us. “Yeah. I could use a beer.” Sam said. “Yeah, put me down for one too.” “Oh, sorry, Guys. I'm on the Cleanse. I got rid of all the carbs in the house.” “Hey. How the hell did you know that ghosts are scared of wrenches?” They ask me. “Crazy, right? And nice job kicking that door too. That was very Jet Li. What are you, like a black belt or something?” “No. I have no clue how I did that. It's like...we've done this before.” “What do you mean, before? Like Shirley MacLaine before?” “No. I—I just can't shake this feeling like I—like I don't belong here. You know? Like I should do something more than sit in a cubicle.” “I think most people who work in a cubicle feel that same way.”

“No. Well, look, it's more than that. Like, I don't like my job. I don't like this town. I don't like my clothes. I don't like my own last name. I don't know how else to explain it, except that...it feels like I should be doing something else. There's just something in my blood. Like I was destined for something different. What about you? You ever feel that way?” “I don't believe in destiny. I do believe in dealing with what's right in front of us, though.” “What about you Y/n.”Dean asked me. “I feel the same as I make my own future.” “All right, so, what do we do now?” Sam asked, which was a good question cause what the hell do you do in this situation? “We do what I do best, Sammy, N/n. Research.” “Okay. Did you just call me Sammy?” “And me N/n?” “Did I?” “I think you did. Yeah. Don't.” “Yeah, please don’t” “Sorry.” He goes to sit at his laptop.

“Oh, jackpot.” “What you got?” Sam and I walked over to Dean. “I just found the best site ever. Real, actual ghost hunters.” “Oh wow, cool!” I said sitting next to Dean. “These guys are genius. Check it out.” “Instructional videos.” Sam pointed out. Dean hits play “We know why you're watching.” These two guys were in lab coats in front of a table. “You've got a problem.” “A ghost problem.” “A ghost-related problem. A ghost—it's like a ghost-adjacent pr—it's like a problem that's—and the ghost is—” “Whatever. You've come to the right place. The only decent place, really, because the Ghostfacers know how to solve it.” “Period.” “Watch and learn.” “See, the first step in any supernatural fight:” “Figure out what you're up against.” Both of them said together.

I went onto the computer and looked up the company’s history. There was a picture of an old man next to the article. “That's him. That's the ghost.” Dean pointed out over my shoulder. “P. T. Sandover. Died 1916. Devoted his life to his work. No wife, no kids.

The article text visible next to the picture reads "Office 1444 was considered to be the center of the company's operations, with Sandover himself overseeing all details of any construction project the company undertook. / Considered to be a difficult person to work for, P.T. Sandover had an exceptionally high standard of quality, often marching onto construction sites and halting all work until he personally inspected each aspect of the structure. Aiming for perfection is perhaps why the Sandover legacy is so impressive, dominating the industry with the scale and scope of its projects.” “Used to say he was the company, and his very blood pumped through the building.” Sam read. “Wow, okay. So slight workaholic. Maybe he's still here, you know, watching over the company, even killing for it.” Dean theorized.

“Plus, turns out this isn't the first time people started killing themselves in the building. 1929.” “Yeah, but lots of guys jumped off lots of high rises that year.” “How many companies had seventeen suicides?” I added in. “Phew. Okay, so P. T. Sandover, protector of the company. His ghost wakes up and becomes active during times of grave economic distress.” “Well, I mean, the worst time we've seen since the Great Depression—” “Is now. Yeah, now sucks. My portfolio's in the sewer. I don't even wanna talk about it.” “So Sandover's helping the bottom line—” “By zapping some model employees.”

“Yeah. I mean, Ian and Paul. It was like he turned them into different people.” “Perfect worker bees, exactly. So devoted to the company that they would commit hara-kiri if they failed it.” “Oh my gosh Lyndsey was acting like that. Now we abustley have to do this.” “One more interesting fact. The building wasn't always that high. Used to be fourteen floors. And the room where the ghost attacked, fourteen forty-four? Once upon a time, that was the old man's office.” Of course it was.

We went back to the Ghostbusters videos. “Once you've got that thing in your sights—” “You kill it.” Good to know. “Using special ghost-hunting weapons.” “First, salt. It's like acid to ghosts.” “Burny acid.” “Not LSD.” “No. It's a bad trip for ghosts. Next up, iron.” “That's why the wrench worked.” I concluded. “Pure power in your hand.” “Dissipates ghosts instantly.” “Next little trick. We learned this from those useless douchebags—” “That we hate.” I wonder who pissed them off so much. “The Winchesters. Well, except for the sister who was nice to us, she was also hot.” “Yeah hot.” He looked off like he was thinking about this woman. “Uhh right back to the ghosts. Gun.” “Shotgun shell. Pack it up with fresh rock salt.” “Very effective.” “Very effective.” “Winchesters still suck ass, though. But the sister.” “Affirmative. Suckage major. But the sister.”

We pack two duffels of iron pokers and salt. “Where do we even get a gun?” Dean questioned. “Gun store?” “Isn't there like some kind of waiting period or something?” “I think so.” “Well, how in the hell—” “I don't know. Seems pretty impossible, honestly.” “Right.” I mean who can just get guns on a whim.

Back to the video. “The aforementioned super-annoying Winchester douchenozzles but the sister also taught us this one other thing. You have to burn the remains.” “Okay, this next part gets a little gross. Sometimes you might have to dig up the body. Sorry.” Eww “It's illegal in some states.” “All states.” “Possibly all states.” I look up where our body is buried. “Sandover was cremated.” “What? So what do we do now?” “Now, if the deceased has been cremated—” “Don't panic.” “Don't panic.” “Just gotta look for some other remains.” “A hair in a locket, maybe. Fingernails. Baby teeth.” “Milk teeth.” “Genetic material. You know what we're talking about.” “Go find it.” “Godspeed.”

I am terrified to go back but Lynsey is under this ghost’s spell I guess, and she needs help so here I am back in this cursed building. We entered the elevator. “Set your cell phone to walkie-talkie in case we get separated.” Dean commented. We go to search in the old man’s office Sam, and I are searching the desk when we get found out by the security officer. “What the hell are you doing here?” He asks us.”Uhh, a new cleaning service.” I responded back trying to not get us arrested. “Yeah right. Come with me.” He grabs the both of us. “Man, listen. Look. It's okay. We- we work here.” Sam tried to explain. “Whatever. Tell it to the cops.” He drags us to the elevator.

We awkwardly stand there when there is a cold spot when the elevator absurdly stops. Sam and I look at each other knowing what was going on. The guard goes to use his emergency key to open the door. “Well, come on.” Something makes an ominous sound. Sam and I are thinking the same thing Hell to the no. “Last time this happened, it took them two hours to get here.”

“Let’s just wait here I think I might have some uno cards on me.” They both look at me like your crazy girl. The guard Shimes through the door and he turns around to us. “Seriously, we’ll wait.” “Look, I don't have the rest of my life.” As he was saying the doors slam shut oh his body. And we get sprayed in blood. “Hey. You guys, okay?” Dean asked through the phone. “We’ll call you back.”

We regroup at the main lobby. “Whoa. That's a lot of blood.” “Yeah, we know” “Right. So, uh, in there.” Dean gestured to the display of P.T. gloves. “P. T. Sandover's gloves.” “Yeah, how much you wanna bet there's a little smidge of DNA in there? You know, like a fingernail clipping or a hair or two? Something.” “Sweat.” I added in. “So, you ready?” Sam asks us. “I have no idea.” “Me neither.” “Me too.” The boys hit the glass, but Mr. Old man shows up. All three of us hit him with the iron pickers. “Oh. Nice.” He reappears and he flings the boys back. “Dean! Sam!” P.T. is about spark them. I scramble to get the lighter. “Sorry I'm forcing you into retirement.” I said as I lit up the gloves. And he lights up like a Christmas tree and vanishes. "That was amazing.” “Right? Right?”

Dean hands me the first kit and I'm patching up Sam. “Wow you're really good at Y/n.” “Yeah, I don’t know, I've always been good at it, thanks.” “Man, I gotta tell you, I've never had so much fun in my life.” Dean said sitting next to us. “I feel the same and I thought the bachelor was the craziest thing in my life.” “Was a hell of a workout too, wasn't it?” “Yeah, you can say that again.” “We should keep doing this.” Sam says very seriously. “I know.” Dean replied in a joking way when I was thinking about his words. “I mean it. There gotta be other ghosts out there. We could help a lot of people.” Sam went on with this. “Right, we'd be like the Ghostfacers.”

“No, really. I mean, for real.” “What? Like, quit our jobs and hit the road?” “Exactly.” “How would we live?” “You gotta be kidding me. How would we get by? With stolen credit cards? Huh? Eating diner food drenched in saturated fats? Sharing a crap motel room every night?” “That's all just details. What about you Y/n?” Sam asked me. “Uhh I don’t know Sam, this is a good job for me.” “Do you even like your Job I mean all you do is get Mr. Alder coffee! All right. Um. Confession. Remember those dreams I told you about with the ghosts? I was fighting them. With you guys. We were these, like, hunters, and we were friends. More like brothers and sister, really. I mean, what if that's who we really are? I mean, you saw us back there, working together. The ghost was scrambling people's brains. What if it scrambled ours?”

“Sam, that's a little insane.” “Is it? Think about it for just one second. What if we think this is our life, but it's not?” “Hey, man, the ghost is dead and we're still standing. I mean, I'm sorry, but—” Dean started to say. “Look, all I know is this isn't who we're supposed to be.” Sam stood his ground. “No. I'm Dean Smith, okay? Director of Sales and Marketing. I went to Stanford. My father's name is Bob, my mother's name is Ellen, and my sister's name is Jo.” And when he said that it felt so wrong. “When was the last time you talked to them? To any of them? And you Y/n?” “I don’t really have any family to talk to.” “See that’s what I'm talking about, cause I only moved here cause I just broke up with my fiancée, Madison. But I called her number, and I got a damn animal hospital.” I try to hold my laugh back at that line.

“Okay. What are you saying? Are you trying to say that my family isn't real? Huh? That we've been injected with fake memories? Come on.” Dean was getting irritated at this point. “All I know is, I got this feeling in my gut. And I know—I know that deep down, you gotta be feeling it too. We're supposed to be something else. You're not just some corporate douchebag and you Y/n are not just some pretty secretary that gets coffee. This isn't you Guys. I know you.” Dean answered. “Know me? You don't know me, pal. You should go.” I leave with Sam and stop him. “Look Sam, the girl you're describing sounds incredible but that’s just not me.”

The next morning, I was walking to Mr. Alder’s office with his coffee, and I was thinking about what Sam said last night. “Knock knock Come in.” I heard and I entered. “Here’s… your coffee.” I set it down and went to leave but he stopped me. “Mrs. F/l/n I would like to talk about something, sit down please.” So, I do. “Look I think you're an amazing employee and simply put I want you higher on the food chain.” I was a little bit shocked.

“You want me in a company position? Wow I'm flattered but are you sure?” “Yes, I am so sure that this would be your pay raise.” He writes down a number and slides it to me. My eyes widen like saucers. “That’s a whole lot more than now to keep me here.” “Well, you are worth it now you would have to work for it properly more than others because you are starting from a low level but in like fifteen years maybe ten it you could be it.” I look down at the number and think about it. “Now Mr. Alder I really appreciate it and I am totally thankful, but I will be giving in my notice.” Now he looks shocked.

“Please tell me this is a joke Y/n.” “No Mr. Alder I just realized that sitting in a desk for the rest of my life and getting coffee from other people is not for me. It's hard to explain. Um. It's just that this—this is—it's just—it's not who I'm supposed to be.” Mr. Alder smiles at that. “Y/n, Y/n, Y/n you and your brother are a lot alike.” “My brother? What are you talking about?” He walks over to me and touches my forehead and it was like the air had shifted and everything came flooding back.

“What the fuck? Am I wearing heels god my feet hurt.” Mr. Alder laughs at that. “You- did I—did I just get touched by—you're an angel, aren't you?” He nods. “I'm Zachariah.” “Fantastic. You want me to throw you a parade.” “I'm hardly a simple angel, Y/N. I'm Castiel's superior. Believe me, I had no interest in popping down here into one of these smelly things” “But after the unfortunate situation with Uriel, I felt it necessary to pay a visit. Get my ducks in a row.” “” Unfortunate situation” he almost killed me.”

“Well, you're not so you should be grateful.” “What the hell does not that even mean?” “It means that you're alive and hunting” “Is that what this little passion project of yours is for?” “Exactly you are a Winchester, hunting is in your blood, and you will help your brother stop the apocalypse.” “I am not just a helper.” “Of course, not but you will always be by your brother’s side, right?” “Yes but-” “perfect then you be on your merry way to your codependent brothers.” I start to walk out but I stop. “Zachariah angel or not I will stab you in the face if you ever call me sweetheart again.” And with that I slam the door behind me.

Hey oh, my gosh we have gotten to chapter ten like wow I just wanted to say thank you for reading and liking when I started, I just did for me and I'm so happy that others have liked this as much as I have! Also did anyone peak the song that Y/n was playing in the beginning. It was a little easter egg for a future character that I am so excited to get to. That Animal hospital joke of Madison gets me every time the angels went off with that one. If you like the originals, I started a Klaus x reader so yeah hope I see you over there see you next time!

#castiel x reader #castiel #castiel x y/n #spn fanfic #dean winchester #sam winchester #team free will #spnfandom #supernatural #Supernatural Season 4 #castiel x you #Castiel x reader series masterlist #bobby singer #bobby spn #cas spn #cas x reader #cas x y/n #cas masterlist

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denimbex1986 · 3 months

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'“I got called a gay elder the other day,” Andrew Haigh said. This title, bestowed by a group of younger gay men, initially rankled him. It’s true that Haigh — the director of acclaimed films like “45 Years” and “Weekend” — had recently turned 50, but he still found that landmark age hard to believe.

“I’m looking older,” he told me, “but it’s a strange thing to think that I’m not young anymore.”

That uncanny feeling is a key theme in Haigh’s latest film, “All of Us Strangers,” which he adapted from the 1987 novel “Strangers” by Taichi Yamada. Andrew Scott stars in the film as Adam, a screenwriter in his late 40s with a whole lot on his mind: As he entertains a tentative romance with his neighbor Harry (Paul Mescal), he returns to his childhood home and finds it somehow inhabited by the parents (Claire Foy and Jamie Bell) who died when he was young. Though this reunion summons Adam’s inner child to the fore — a transformation Scott sells with heartbreaking subtlety, even when dressed in Christmas pajamas — there are still tricky adult conversations to be had with his parents about his sexuality and lonely middle age.

“I knew that for this film to work, I had to throw myself into it on a very personal level,” Haigh said. “So much of the things they’re talking about and the memories that Adam has of being a kid are my memories.”

That commitment even extended to filming much of the movie in the house where Haigh grew up, a notion that astounded many of his actors.

“I always have this image of him losing one of his baby teeth in that house where the crew were stamping on the floor,” Scott said. “Isn’t it extraordinary that as you shoot a scene downstairs in the kitchen about a man coming out to his mother, he could have gone upstairs after he had actually done that and been upset in a small bathroom?”

In November, I met Haigh at an old-fashioned cafe in Hollywood where, as a young film student, he used to plop down in the corner booth and order the blackened chicken sandwich and too much coffee. (Haigh no longer eats meat, so during our lunch he had the veggie sandwich instead.) As we spoke about the personal stories from his youth he excavated for “All of Us Strangers,” he said he had started to come to grips with the journey he has traveled since and the nickname that long voyage had earned him.

“I might get a T-shirt that says ‘gay elder,’” he told me, chuckling.

Here are edited excerpts from our conversation.

A lot of this movie is inspired by your early life. What were you like as a child?

I think I was a sad kid. I was fine when I was younger, but my parents split up when I was 9, and I was being bullied at school. When you’re an unhappy child, it shapes everything. It doesn’t go away — it will always be there, the way you felt, and the instinct to repress yourself early on can affect everything.

How did their divorce affect you?

There was so much that I was made to push down and forget and not talk about. I don’t think I ever spoke to anybody about how I felt. And look, it doesn’t take a genius to look at my films and think that all of those themes come out within the stuff that I make about feeling alone, about searching for stability, about trying to understand the past and change it somehow in order for you to move forward. Pretty much the filmmaker I am now is because of how I was as a kid.

Why were you being bullied at school?

Because they knew I was gay, basically.

Did you know you were gay?

No. They could see my difference before I could. And I talk about it in the film, but it was the early ’80s and the mid-’80s in the U.K., this incredibly homophobic time. Everyone was terrified of AIDS and the government had Section 28, which was a law against teaching homosexuality in school. I think most queer kids from the ’80s kept everything very, very hidden. I was in relationships with girls all the way into my 20s, and I didn’t come out till my late 20s, till after university.

What happened when you told your parents you were gay?

They were good. They had to do a huge readjustment in their understanding of me, so that’s not easy for parents. You go through some strange questions, for sure, and it takes a bit of time, and you find your way through it. But it’s a strange thing because I know lots of people have very supportive families, and it doesn’t mean you don’t feel a little bit separate. Even in this age of acceptance, there is still often a line that you don’t want to cross. Or maybe it’s even that we feel uncomfortable, that we still want to hide elements of ourselves because we’re still afraid that they might not love us as much.

So frequently, we want to reassure everyone else not to worry. We’ve held this thing in, which almost makes you explode from being sick with the pressure building inside you, and still you’re like, “Oh, don’t worry, I’m really happy,” or “I’m going to be great.” And in retrospect I’m like, what was I doing? I wasn’t fine. I was a mess and I was terrified and all I was trying to do is make them feel better. For a lot of queer people, we’re doing that all the time, trying to walk this line of not pushing boundaries too much so we don’t get rejected.

When you were reading the novel that “All of Us Strangers” was based on, did you sense immediately that you could explore all these themes in an adaptation?

It definitely took a long time. It’s a good novel, but it’s very traditionally a ghost story. I thought about doing it as that to start with, but then I knew that I wanted the romantic relationship in the story to be queer, and I wanted it to be about the associations of family love and romantic love and how they’re all wrapped up together.

You shot the film in the house you grew up in, in Croydon in South London. Were you picturing that place when you wrote the script?

Yeah. I think I was rooting it to the idea of a childhood home, and then as we started trying to work out where to shoot it, I was like, “Well, why wouldn’t I go and shoot it there?” I knew it would be a strange experience, but I like how I feel when I’m a little bit terrified and emotionally fragile. The interesting ideas come from that.

What was it like when you first walked through that door?

I don’t really know how to explain it. It’s a very peculiar feeling. When I walked around by myself and I sat in what would have been my old bedroom and looked out the window, you just remember things. I remember standing at that window when I was a kid. There were some enormous trees outside, but when we lived there, those trees were only knee-high. Somehow that freaked me out more than anything else, that those trees were pretty much the exact age as me and they’ve been on this planet for 50 years, as I have.

You’ve cast Claire Foy and Jamie Bell as the parents. How much like your real parents are they?

Look, my dad’s from the north of England and sounds a bit like Jamie, and my mom sounds a bit like Claire. And they sort of look a bit like that and their personalities are quite similar. So there’s definitely a sense that they are related to my parents.

It’s interesting that when we first meet Jamie’s character, before you’ve revealed the familial relationship, it almost seems like he’s cruising Andrew’s character in the woods.

It always made me laugh that no one’s surprised when a straight guy goes for someone who’s a bit like their mom — that’s just like a natural thing — but no one ever says, “Well, gay guys and queer guys, maybe they quite like someone who’s a bit like their dad.” I wanted to play with that because, to me, love is rooted in feeling comforted and safe and understood. That is what your parents give you, and it’s no surprise that you might want it from a lover, too. And Jamie Bell looks super hot. Who doesn’t want to cruise him coming out of the trees?

Did the actors meet your parents?

No. I would never do that. I mean, my dad’s not well so he won’t get to see the film. But my mom’s seen the film and I’m sure she’ll meet the actors at some point.

What did she think of it?

She saw it with my brother in a screening room in London, and I think it was hard for her to watch. There was a lot of stuff that feels personal to her, and I don’t underestimate how strange that must be. There’s a scene that I have now made with some twisted version of me talking to a mother in the bed that used to be my mom’s bed. That’s not an easy thing for them to deal with, so I really do appreciate it. But she loves the film, she’s super excited about it.

It’s a shame my dad can’t see it because I feel like he would like it. My dad has quite bad dementia and it came on while I was making the film, just a strange time for it to happen. During the shoot, I went up to visit him because he’d just been put into hospital, and he’d completely forgotten that I was gay. Had no memory of it: “Oh, so you’ve got a wife? Are you married?” I was like, “Oh, Christ.” I didn’t tell him, I didn’t say that I was with my partner.

Why not?

I was terrified, I felt like I was 20-whatever again. I didn’t want to upset him because he’s in a care home now, but at the same time, you feel the same terror of, “Oh my God, is he going to reject me when I really don’t need this right now?” Then I came back to London and the next scene I shot was the scene with Jamie and Andrew talking [about his sexuality], a pretty tough emotional scene to have done the day after that. So it was a rough time.

I did see my dad again and I brought my partner with me, so he’s seen my partner now. It was interesting because he was like, “Well, as long as you found love, that’s the important thing. That’s all I care about.” I feel like some element of him still knew, and I’m glad I got to bring my partner to see him. It just shows how you always have to still keep coming out.

There’s always something that can reduce you to the state you were in before.

Exactly. That’s what this film is: It’s absolutely about being reduced to that state. And that’s why I thought it was so interesting to wrap it up in grief, because I think grief is such a similar thing. When you lose someone, it’s always just there as something in you. It felt like this film has such a perfect way to express how we can’t move on from things unless we’re helped to move on from those things.'

#Andrew Haigh #All of Us Strangers #Jamie Bell #Claire Foy #Taichi Yamada #Strangers #Andrew Scott #Paul Mescal #45 Years #Weekend

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dingoat · 8 months

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So, a whole two people had an interest in my thoughts on cathar in Star Wars and purring, which I guess is enough to prompt me to try and put some of them into proper words. I do want to preface this by saying my own personal thoughts and feelings on these matters are very much my own personal thoughts and feelings, coming from my particular areas of interest and professional knowledge, and have absolutely no bearing on how much I enjoy other people's takes/characters, or how willing I am to interact or depict other people's takes/characters! Everyone approaches these things differently and frankly I have no interest in nor take any pleasure from raining on other folks' parade or telling them how to write/design/depict their own characters. Mostly, I want to reassure people that it is in fact completely okay to have completely different ideas to the more popular fandom headcanons, it is absolutely fine to disagree, and it is very not cool to try and force a single way as the 'best' or 'most correct'. I also, personally, have way more respect for people who will readily admit that they imagine a character/species a certain way purely because it viscerally appeals to them- they dig the aesthetic, they just think it's cool/cute/neat, etc- rather than those who dream up a feature and use ham fisted imperfect science to try and justify it.

If you like your cathar to purr simply because you think it's lovely, you go and do you, I love and respect you for it, and my words going forward here and now are simply not for you. I'm not here to fight or argue or try to convince you otherwise, I have no interest in discourse! There are just facets of world building and character design that I know I feel differently about than most people and I'm making myself vulnerable here by sharing some of them.

(I am also going to talk about a little more than purring.)

So! A little bit of background on me and where I'm coming from.

Animals are my life, I have studied them academically and work with them professionally and have lived and breathed animals since my very earliest memories. I am fascinated by form and function, by taxonomy and natural selection and adaptation to environments, by behaviour and cognition, and I am deeply committed to conservation efforts. All of these interests are what inform and guide the way I think about fiction, they are what I enjoy about made-up species, sometimes I think long and deep, and sometimes I just have gut responses. (Also, most of you here wouldn't know me from a bar of soap and I don't expect you to believe anything I say simply because 'I said so'. I could be lying about my life experience! If any of my talking points are of genuine interest to you I encourage you, I implore you to research further on your own!)

Now!

Cathar!

Cathar are just one of many many many 'space cat people' that hang out in Star Wars land. I was first introduced to the greater Star Wars universe through a tabletop RPG and I found myself RAVENOUS for lore, to know what was out there, to help expand and flesh out our character's adventures with as much delicious and beautiful variety as possible. I love this stuff. I dig the obscure aliens, I love the nonhumans, and because of my interest in real world animals, yes, the animal-analogue aliens have always been particular favourites.

Star Wars has lots, and lots, and lots of cat people, and visually they vary from very-animal (fluffy, four-limbed Cor) to basically-human (hi, Cathar, hi, new-canon Zygerrians), with a bunch of in-betweens at varying levels of cattyness and a few novel features here and there. To me, applying every variation of 'earth felid' to every species of 'sapient feline' in the Star Wars universe is just kind of boring and scientifically improbable in a way that (personally) irks me. If Cathar are the only space-cats you think of and utilise in your corner of fandom, I can see why you might enjoy making them as wonderfully varied as all the wild and domestic cats we have around us, but I just don't feel the need. I am far more interested in seeing some-features-here, some-features-there. These guys more like tigers. These more like domestic turkish vans. These ones more like lynx but WHAT IF theyr'e from an ocean world?? I have fun with that. I don't need a tiger-cathar and a siamese-cathar and a lynx-cathar and a margay-cathar. I have way more space cats to play with, and where canon/legends falls short, I'll make my own thank you very much.

So, coming from this angle alone, I actively don't want to stuff my cathar full of every variant of earth-cat behaviours and abilities. I have literally no need to make cathar, arguably one of the most humanoid cat-people Star Wars has to offer, capable of purring. To me, they're physiologically pretty much human with some mild, superficial feline facial features and fuzzy bodies. Human mouths, lips, tongues, throat, speech capability. I don't think they meow or prrp or hiss or purr (at least, no better or with any different reason than a human might mimic these sounds), I even struggle to visualise them 'perking' their ears, and if I want a character that I can write with those more catlike tendencies, I'll pick something that isn't a cathar! (And if I want a tail, I'll write them as a farghul or something. I don't need my cathar to have tails, and the function and variety of tails is another thing vastly misunderstood and misrepresented in popular fiction, but that's a whole other essay.)

We've also got the whole thing where roaring and purring are mutually exclusive sounds. No cat species can both roar and purr, and it is a distinction in the hyoid bone (that supports the tongue/larynx) that makes a cat capable of one or the other. Some big cats might have little rumbles/growls that can sound a bit like a purr, but it's really not the same thing. Hollywood messes this up all the time, look at every cartoon lion and tiger out there, and while it's totally within your right to headcanon some cathar-specific vocal apparatus that allows for both, I simply prefer neither, because the unique position of this bone in humans is apparently the foundation of our ability to speak. I look at a human-proportioned head, and I imagine human equivalent vocal abilities (so yes, I'd imagine the same for zabraks, @gran-maul-seizure ). I might write a togorian capable of roaring, or a trianii capable of purring, as both are significantly more alien than a cathar in my eyes.

Splitting cathar up into different subspecies with different abilities doesn't really work for me either (a lot of fandom intra-species variation doesn't really work for me) because there are a lot of very widespread, fundamental misunderstandings of how natural selection operates, and what leads to different species in the first place, and even what makes a species at all.

If these points don't matter to you, again, I re-iterate, that's fine. Go ham. If all you want to do is make a thousand creative variations, if you want to make a cathar for every cat-look under the sun and that's what's fun for you, please go right ahead! But these points matter to me a great deal, and so I take great enjoyment out of including them in my world building and character thoughts.

[Why do these things matter to me? Because I want to see life on our actual, real world home planet earth preserved. I believe understanding the vast variety of life is essential to fostering greater appreciation and ultimately care of our natural world. Biodiversity is essential and so poorly understood/acknowledged by the general public and it is one of my genuine missions in life to increase and improve understanding in whatever avenues I have available! Not every rabbit is created equal. You can't replace one lemur species with another and expect it to fulfil the same role in the environment, they are fundamentally different creatures. One lizard is not the same as the next, one skink is not equal to the next! People stroll down the beach and cast their eyes over a dozen different shorebirds at once and yet all they see is 'seagull' despite so so many different processes and niches and roles operating right before their eyes! If people can't recognise a sandpiper from a curlew from a crake, let alone a wood sandpiper from a marsh sandpiper from a terek sandpiper, how can they learn, how can they understand that each individual species is doing something different in the environment? That when one species goes extinct, something is irrevocably lost? Helping people understand that one species can not simply be replaced with another, no matter how superficially similar, is truly important to me. Important enough to me that it matters in my fiction as well! That I get more joy out of seeing exploration of earth felids represented across multiple unique space cat species, rather than a one-size-fits-all-cat-man!]

So, back to the space cats. To me, personally, it is most believable to imagine that cathar evolved to a certain level of intelligence, sapience, technological advancement, within a single environment, and then these abilities allowed them to expand further into more extreme environments, cross oceans, survive in hostile climates, etc. A single, distinct species, with certainly some physical variation (just like humans) but within very specific parameters (just like humans - our skin colours and body shapes vary, yes, but across predictable spectrums; we don't have spider-monkey humans and chimp humans and mandrill humans and capuchin humans and snub nosed monkey humans and pygmy marmoset humans). I imagine that when the early cathar population spread, say, from a lightly forested landscape into the snow, they did not need to evolve a fluffy coat with snow leopard patterns because it was their ability to make heavy coats out of wildlife pelts and construct shelters and build fires that allowed them to move into the snow in the first place. They didn't need to develop camouflage appropriate to the environment because they could find colours to wear, they could dye or bleach their fur, their intelligence took over and allowed them to adapt much faster than natural selection ever would. Once they hit a certain point in their species' evolution, they did not need to continue to change physiologically to adapt to environmental pressures.

Could you look at it the other way? That the cathar-predecessor spread across their home planet and adapted into various environmental niches, developed new coat colours and vocal systems before actually becoming the intelligent and self-aware spacefaring cat people we know and love? Sure! But I would argue that it is deeply, profoundly improbable that what you would wind up with is a single species! I would argue that it's profoundly improbable that each one of these environmental variants would develop to the same level of sapience at all, let alone wind up able to produce offspring together, but y'know, the idea of multiple dominant species from a common ancestor is cool and fun too. The key, here, for my own personal believability, is multiple species. If you don't care about any of this in your fiction, fine! Do what's ultimately more creatively fun for you, but own that creativity rather than misrepresent science! And if you actually do like to consider species variation and evolution from a more real-world biology perspective, I encourage you to read and think a little more deeply, go beyond the rule of cool and get to understand the sheer, magnificent, overwhelming variety and beauty of our own home a little better.

My cathar don't purr, because biodiversity matters to me.

Footnote: Slightly more sideways thoughts, I guess, but I also kind of find the trend of giving animal-esque species cutesy animal-esque tendencies to be a little rude, and it's something I prefer to write into Imperial xenophobia rather than make fact for alien species. I don't find it especially fun to consider Aric Jorgan getting distracted with a ball of yarn or being placated with a saucer of milk or grooming himself with his tongue, and especially not any implications that the behaviours might be involuntary. I imagine it's a very tiresome, disrespectful gag for human Imperial agents to give a bowl of milk to their cathar colleague, and I imagine a Republic trooper wouldn't dream of insulting their cathar counterpart in the same way.

#no idea if I actually made any of my points cohesively #Also can't believe this is what I dedicated my whole night to #But hey #there it is #just a big old wall of text about imaginary cat people

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gavisuntiedboot · 6 months

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Hey I was just wondering if you could link some articles about everything israel has been doing to Palestine in the last 16 years (so basically the time Gaza’s been an open air prison) bc tho I’m pretty invested in politics the media in my country hasn’t been covering this whole situation in Palestine apart from this past week (and the bigger attacks from a few years back) and even then the articles are pretty clearly pro israel so I do know to a certain extent what the situation is and has been like between Palestine and israel (the basics of these two countries’ history since WW2) but not the details and I’d like to inform myself

Unfortunately the media in Canada the UK the United States (obviously) and France (again this isn’t really surprising) isn’t really good at covering what’s happening in the Middle East so informing myself objectively and via reliable sources on the history of these places (when it doesn’t affect the western world) can be a bit hard I genuinely spent a lot of fucking time researching the subject but I just haven’t been satisfied with what I found (it’s all really repetitive and it doesn’t really cover the details tho I did find some really interesting articles written by Palestinian journalists) I did try watching documentaries but they all cut out the more awful parts of history which kind of really sucks (the one thing that was easier to find and that conveyed good and objective info is the statistics of the conditions Palestinians in Gaza have been living in)

If you don’t want to that’s totally fine feel no pressure about doing it but if you don’t wanna link articles could you maybe pls talk about what you know and again no pressure

Hello lovely,

So this has been sitting in my inbox for a while because I've been busy (school, protests, funerals and vigils, etc). I decided to respond to this one because I think the ask is framed very well.

It is common knowledge that Israel puts forward a large media and PR effort to hide the atrocities being committed. There is a huge monetary fund dedicated to this - what other country pays fully for college students to come for week-long trips and see how wonderful the country is? The entire regime is built on propaganda, and I think it's important that everyone try and dismantle our reliance on one or two sources of media. In school, we are constantly told who are the "reliable" sources of information, but in times like this, when the media and press are so controlled, look at the best and most reliable source: primary sources. I encourage you all to follow people who are on the ground in Gaza like Motaz Azaiza, who is on the ground in Gaza and has been for several years. I also encourage you to follow Mohammed El Kurd, who is from Sheikh Jarrah in occupied Jerusalem. He is brilliant and articulate and doesn't mince words, and he has done dozens of interviews and talks about the plight of Palestinians, both at home under occupation and in the diaspora. For news, I think one of the best sources has been Al Jazeera, which is a Middle Eastern news reporter. It is banned in some countries, but they release the most accurate information about what is currently happening. Many of their journalists have just had their families wiped out for the work they are doing.

In regards to what you can watch, there is a plethora of Palestinian film that you can consume. The ones off the top of my head are '5 broken cameras' and 'Omar', which are both critically acclaimed, brilliant films on Palestine. Here is a link to more documentary than film style pieces on Palestine: https://remix.aljazeera.com/aje/PalestineRemix/films_main.html

There are many YouTube videos on the subject as well. A very good article is the one published in n+1 by Saree Makdisi.

I personally don't have many articles to share, because everything I know about my home and my people was told to me by my family. So, allow me to share with you a little bit of my life story:

My grandfather was born in a small village in Palestine just outside of Nablus. He would have been about 8-10 years old when the Nakbah happened. Nakbah is the Arabic word for 'catastrophe', and it describes the displacement of 750,000 Palestinians in 1948. My grandfather was not one of them because of how far in the West Bank he was. He remained in Palestine, trying his hardest to flee despite the immense debt that his own father had passed onto him. He worked in shops. He picked olives from the hundreds, if not thousands, of trees in the village. He was trying to save himself and his 12 siblings, all on no income and a 4th grade education. There was no more school when the occupation started.

My grandmother was born in the neighboring village. She was looked after by two brothers and a father that would have torn the world to shreds for her. She met my grandfather when he came to help repair their home. They were married young, around 19, and they had their first son, my uncle, in their home in Palestine. The occupation got worse and worse, with people having their homes invaded, guns to their faces, being told to leave. My grandmother fought one such settler, and they took one of her beautiful green eyes for it. My grandparents tried everything they could to keep their house in Palestine, but it was no use. They had to flee to Kuwait (twice actually), a journey that takes 72 hours nonstop on foot, in order to not be killed by Israel. My grandmother took her house key with her, thinking she would need it to open the door when they were able to return. And that key still sits in her house, staring at her and her 8 children and 30 grandchildren who have never seen our home in Palestine.

I fortunately don't have direct family in Gaza, but I have living family that fled Palestine. I have so many family members who will never be able to see our land in our lifetime. Our house is gone. The olive trees are gone. Everything that my grandparents knew of the world for a quarter of their lives is gone. How long until we are gone? How long until the plan is successful, and our young are murdered and our old left to die so that Israel can say that Palestinians never existed in the first place?

Between three of my friends, they have lost 100 family members. Between Palestinians, we have lost over 7000 people. Civilians. Children. Mothers. Fathers. Neighbors. People. I want to educate, I want to be a voice and rally, but I can't do it every day. I'm struggling with the guilt of being alive as a Palestinian right now. My entire bloodline, my history, is being wiped off the face of the earth before my eyes. And I'm sorry I can't be more help.

#free palestine 🇵🇸#free palestine #from the river to the sea palestine will be free #save gaza

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beauty-grace-outer-space · 8 months

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Oh my god I'm going to lose my mind.

Back in Fall of 2017, I auditioned for a local professional choir. I got in, I joined up, yippee. I did the fall/winter season and then returned for the spring season, and it was fun. I did choir my entire life growing up, audition/honor choir 12-18, and musical theater in college. I had missed singing with other people a lot, and it seemed like a good opportunity to be social and get to sing in a group. I even got a few solos; good times.

Fast forward to Fall of 2018. I return for the fall/winter season. Shit is hitting the fan with my grandmother and that whole situation. My mental health is in the gutter. My self esteem tanked out entirely. I was barely making it through. Then the conductor starts introducing "choreography" and I tried, I really did, but I ended up leaving rehearsals (repeatedly) in tears because I was so embarrassed. Finally I hit a breaking point and went "I can't do this anymore, I need to get myself together". So I made my apologies, notified the proper people, and withdrew from the choir. Thought about going back in 2019... didn't. Then COVID hit, and things went virtual for 2+ years. I wasn't interested. Then my mom got hurt, and I have essentially been a caretaker since then. My time was not my own. The choir started meeting in person again this January. I missed singing. I missed the people. I rejoined. Six weeks later, my uncle got sick and died very suddenly. It was extremely traumatic for my family. I became overwhelmed emotionally and in regards to time management. When it became clear I was going to miss more than three rehearsals, I made my apologies and withdrew from the choir, but always with the intention to return for the Fall season. This is something I made explicitly clear to the conductor, the manager, and the staff as a whole. Then in August, my grandmother died very suddenly. Far less emotional fallout, but my time was-- once again-- not my own. I had no idea what dates or deadlines we'd be dealing with, what all needed to be done, etc. but I knew we would have to clean out their apartment, move my grandfather in with family, and handle all of the post-death bureaucracy. The choir season started; I did not join. One week later, everything wound up resolved and wrapped up and I realized I really miss choir and will be able to make rehearsals, at least September - December... so I send a message to the conductor asking if it's alright that I return. No response. I messaged a friend who is in the choir and she told me to just come to rehearsal (something that is done all the time). I notified the manager and relevant staff, filled out the paperwork, and went to rehearsal. I had the most fun I've had in weeks. People were excited to see me, and I them. The music for this season is gorgeous and it felt good to remember that I can look at music and know how it reads and how to perform it. It felt good to remember another language I speak outside of writing alone in my room: music. I went out for drinks after with one of my closer friends in the group and we chatted for hours. I made plans to hang out with a few others, and I got excited about the prospect of the retreat this weekend, spending a whole day working on music in a beautiful building instead of the usual pre-birthday sobbing alone in my room for three straight days. And then the conductor emailed me. I am certain I'm reading too much into it, but it basically said, "You're a flake and I want you to think long and hard about the commitment you're willing to make to this choir." And she CC'd the new head of the organization, a woman who has never met or spoken to me. All the good feelings instantly vanished. I'm sad and frustrated and angry. I waited a while, and cried a lot. I drafted a few different replies. I finally returned her email (and CC'd the same person so she'd see my reply as well). I politely but pointedly said "I had two deaths in the family this year unexpectedly, which changed my schedule dramatically in a way that was out of my hands. I did ask your permission to come back, but since you didn't reply I figured it was better not to miss another rehearsal than to wait on an answer. Let me know what you want me to do. If it's preferable I'll just return the music ASAP and remove myself from the roster."

I'm not going to the retreat on Saturday. I'm convinced I made up all of the positive reactions to my presence in my head and now am wondering if people asked her to try to get me to leave because they probably don't like me, anyway. I'm reviewing and overthinking every interaction I had, and I keep coming back to standing in a group of a few of us, looking for an excuse to go out to dinner or karaoke, and one of them saying, "Well my birthday is October 3rd." I said, "And mine is September 24th!" (which is stupid and I should not have said anything and I hate that I said anything at all). And then they just continued, "Oh, yeah let's go out for (other girl's) birthday!" and that was that. And I do not like my birthday. I do not want to do anything for my birthday. It's already miserable and it hasn't even come yet. But now, of course, in my head it's like, "No shit, Sherlock. No one gives a fuck about you or your birthday, just keep your fucking mouth shut, idiot." When the conductor finally replied to my email, she basically just said that they expect singers to commit September - June, and not much else. I feel like I'm out of ways to say, "I can give you September - December, but I can't promise anything past that. If that's not ok, please tell me now." I just want her to tell me, because if *I* make the decision to leave based on what she's saying, I'll look like I'm proving her right and flaking out. But if she tells me, hey, sorry, that's not gonna work then I can at least be like, "Oh, there were logistical issues." So now I'm just stuck in this spiral of: no one likes you, no one wants you around, everyone thinks you're unreliable and a bad friend and annoying, just shut the fuck up and go away and for the love of god stop trying.

#long rant #personal #I am not having a good day #/week #/month #/year #/life

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nothorses · 2 years

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Hi, I'm an MTF in their late 20s. I've had a fairly difficult time accessing and sustaining medical transition over the past decade since I've realised and I don't feel comfortable even using she/her for myself anymore.

I really appreciated the Baeddel posts you've made and I wasn't aware of them at the time. However I fell quite heavily into Tumblr SJW and then irl radical queer activism in my late teens to mid-20s. In those environments I ultimately developed a genuine paranoia about being found out as a 'bad person', losing all of my friends, being ostracised from my limited support network etc.

I ultimately experienced sexual assault by several cis women while I was presenting as a man. I found myself feeling completely isolated and bereft of comfort. I didn't feel able to reach out for help without having to prove my social justice bona fides (outing myself as trans) and reinterpreting it through the lens of it being transphobia (which it could not have been).

In the end I fell out of social justice spaces, towards dirtbag leftist type environments. However, ultimately I've found myself attracted to moderate anti-SJW, edgelordy sort of anti-idpol leftism. In the end I've disconnected from everything, because whatever merits I might perceive in any specific argument or cause, I'm more concerned about my pattern of being drawn to extremist ideologies and activism.

Basically I've reached a crisis point in my transition, finally being able to access HRT in non-DIY fashion. It's thrown me for a loop, as someone living in the male-mode* for so long. I feel the need to reach out for support but also fear of doing so.

The trans support groups and spaces I know don't want to relate to me as someone who has experienced trauma as a male. Who is living with the dual burden of the problems of being a trans woman with the social isolation and coping skills of a cis man. I am also autistic, and I've found there's a fairly narrow range of acceptable autism'ss in those spaces. Autism of the species that makes you meek or cute is more welcome. That which makes you pedantic or firm in our beliefs not so much. Which makes us think or behave differently or worst of all commit faux-pas or missteps whole socialising. There is seemingly little tolerance for that (in the end, tolerating a slightly difficult person, admittedly).

Anyway, I'm grateful for what you've written on the topic of men's problems and the tendency of feminist and 'queer'** activism to ignore that suffering. I appreciate it as a possible trans woman, intensely dysphoric person who also had to suffer the isolation, emotional brutality and self-denial that comes with growing up a boy in a tough environment.

*a withered, grey version of living as a cisgender man, covering my body, avoiding intimacy, avoiding making new social contacts out guilt for the deception, of sleepwalking through life.

**after my irl experience of radical queer activism, I run away from the term.

Hey, I really appreciate you reaching out. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and I'm so sorry you haven't been given the understanding, acceptance, and community you need and deserve.

I think everyone has stuff in them that draws them toward extremist ideology; that's why it is what it is, and why it works. It's not that there's something wrong with you as a person- it is, in all likelihood, just that you're isolated and in desperate need of community. That's the target demographic for extremist recruiting, because those are the qualities that make someone recruitable. The solution to that is to find healthy support and community somewhere else.

The fact that you're aware of this pattern & acting on it- and even more than that, have managed to get away from multiple extremist groups- that shows a lot of awareness and strength, and a lot of hope for you. You're gonna be okay.

There are people- lots of people- who have had similar experiences, and felt similar ways, and who need similar support and understanding. There are even more people who, despite not experiencing those things firsthand, are open-minded, understanding, and accepting; and who will listen to you & gladly welcome you into their lives and communities. I know it's scary to open yourself up and put effort into finding and connecting with them, but they are out there. You'll find them if you keep trying.

I really recommend checking out this article by someone who, it sounds like, was in a similar situation to the one you're in now.

You're always welcome here, and I hope you can find the support and community you deserve.

Good luck! 💙

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jungilhoon · 5 months

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from 2015 to 2023: a retrospective!

i’m mostly writing this for myself, but if you happen to take a look and even get something out of it, that’s cool too.

i started this blog in march 2015; it’s now december 2023. back then, i was still a student, reaching the end of my teen years and preparing to progress towards the next stage of my life. i’m now twenty-eight (birth year buddies with sungjae, let’s go).

to be honest, my main goal in life during that time – aside from surviving university and then finding a job – was basically to spread recognition of btob as much as i could lmao. it was as if my well-being depended on their happiness and success. i wanted to watch them succeed so bad, and i feel like their rise equated to some of the most exciting years of my life. they gave me something i thought i was missing, and i needed them. at the same time, i think i was experiencing a lot of difficulties during the years 2015-2017. btob became my escape and comfort that helped me get through that period. looking back, i could have been relying on them a bit too much, but they certainly brightened my world. for that, i’ll always be grateful.

one of my fondest memories will forever be seeing them live for the first time at their 2017 concert. being in the presence of the seven people i had been supporting so hard was profoundly touching. hearing fellow melodies singing their hearts out to ‘it’s okay’ alongside myself brought tears to my eyes.

anyway, as time passed and i started to spend less time online due to changing commitments offline, i began to notice changes in myself. i stopped posting here in 2019 for no significant reason other than that i had gotten busy, and i was finding myself genuinely enjoying life by then. i was discovering happiness in more ways than i had before, but btob stayed a part of me. they were my reliable friends, my found family – the ones i could come back to at any time. my home.

in late 2020 and 2021, i distanced myself for a while. i don’t think i ever fully processed the news back then. i might have even told myself that not paying attention and blocking it out would be for the best. i basically took a break, only checking in here and there. (4u ate up on kingdom.) i’ve naturally drifted away from people i knew back then, but i’ve also stayed close to a few. eventually, i found myself accepting the way things had become, albeit slowly. i still miss and care about ilhoon. i understand if he will never be a ‘public figure’ again. i think i can simultaneously acknowledge and hold both of these perspectives. every now and then, such as when i’d finished watching the btob time movie last week, i do feel sad about it. it’s hard to just get over it. yeah, i’m an adult, but so what.

my mindset has changed as i’ve gotten older. in the past, i was hostile and quick to react in the face of negativity. i was chaotic; i always wanted to prove a point. i guess i’ve calmed down a lot since then. i’m pretty mellow these days. on the whole, i’m not fond of spending too much time engaging with strangers or acquaintances online. truthfully, it did make me anxious then too. i kind of prefer just tossing things into the void, like this post, and quietly enjoying what i like. that’s why being active online the way i used to be doesn’t seem to work for me anymore. still, maybe with rose-tinted glasses, i miss those days i spent just waiting on the next btob update and having fun here. i scrolled through my archive for a while last night, riding on a rollercoaster of emotions.

what i actually mean by my mindset having changed though, is that i seem to view things in life more positively these days. i’ve somehow stopped being so pessimistic all the time. i found it difficult to look on the bright side when i was younger. i was colder, filled with dread, and eternally expecting the worst. as a person, i think i’ve become warmer, more appreciative. precious things can disappear just like that. i try to be thankful, in case it’s true that nothing gold can stay.

i’m undecided on if i’ll randomly appear with the odd post when i feel like it. there’s no harm in it, so perhaps! at present, what i want to say is that i still wholeheartedly love and support btob. always will. i have their season’s greetings pre-ordered. now that they’re out of cube, i’m so excited for what they might have in store next. i don’t know what it’ll be, but that’s okay. whatever it is, and even if it’s not what i’m expecting, i trust them. i’ll be proud of them. really! 비투비 예전에도 지금도 앞으로도 사랑해요! 🩵

(p.s. i impulsively bought hour moment photocards at 2am last night, so maybe i actually still need to relax.)

#okay #i feel better now!

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redrattlers · 1 year

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Hey Em!! Imma just so some random ones okay here goes: 7, 28, 33, 45, 55, 64, 70, 89, 94, 100, 111, aaaaand 107. Love u! 🧡

hi aria! thanks for stopping by 🥰 hope you’re doing well!!!

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

definitely not! i’m not in a place where i’m actively dating rn and there’s no one in my life i could see myself with in such a short period of time!

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my sister, my group of friends from uni, my teammates and probably @httpsgfg too ❤️

33. Spell your name with your chin

let’s do redrattlers cause em is a little short : treseastlkersd LMAO

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

responsibilities and commitments?

55. Favourite blog?

tough question cause i don’t tend to have favourites in life in general but here’s a few blog i particularly enjoy on tumblr dot com. meg @kaleidoscopeminds won the title of my favourite gif maker in 2020 and i haven’t looked back since. i think molly is the person i prev tags the most, i love everything that’s going on at @burstingsunrise 🫶 jess @daydadahlias makes me laugh a lot! i really really really love moodboards and anyone who makes them, @calumsash @chamaleonsoul @crossedwiress @sunfleursky @satellitesunset @takemyhandlrh @bleachswing come to mind rn! and many many other wonderful people including you, gonna stop here before i start listing all my mutuals gshdhd

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

it’s always funny for me to look back on my first kiss cause it was with my girl best friend when i was 16, and i didn’t start questioning my sexuality until i was in college. it’s the kind of thing where i was just happy it happened with someone i trusted and felt good and safe with. little did i know lmao

89. Name a person you hate?

no one gets that information for free gshdhdh

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

way too many!! i live in canada, i’m basically in sweaters and hoodies at all times for half of the year

100. How are you feeling?

maybe a little lost rn? i have a lot of really great things going on my life that will come to an end soon and it’s the whole, “what i am gonna do now” that’s looming over my head constantly. sometimes it scares me and other times it’s exciting, so lots of mixed feelings!

111. Do you have trust issues?

yea, it takes me a lot to fully trust someone, i protect my heart a lot and don’t give too much of myself away at first. it’s something i’m working on cause i do really love connecting with people and sometimes it feels like i’m doing myself a disservice by being this way

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

YEAH AND I LOVE HORSES

send me an ask?

#asks #aria

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dionysianfreak · 2 years

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looking for a second opinion here. for about a year, year and a half maybe? i think year and a half... i have been worshipping apollo and artemis. now, it took a lot of convincing for me to do this; i was interested in witchcraft, vaguely interested in paganism, and apollo basically had to slap me into realizing the path i needed to be on.

i feel like i have not stabilized my worship of them enough yet... if that makes sense? my worship can sometimes be intermittent as my mental health and workload waxes and wanes, and i've put many other facets of my practice on the wayside telling myself i need to get myself "better" at worshipping the twins. i have not so much as prayed to any other deity...

but lately, the signs from athena have been very very strong. since i was somewhat afraid, i said a few weeks ago that i was honored but didn't believe i was ready for her presence in my life. now i feel that may have been the wrong choice. i've erected a small (very, very small) altar on my bookshelf for her, and when i say small i mean two little owl figurines, a tea light, and a little cup. but i haven't poured libation or lit the candle yet. i'm still very nervous about forming a relationship with any new deity, as i worry that i haven't strengthened my bonds with artemis and apollo yet.

while i don't expect anyone to look inside my mind and my relationship with the theoi and know exactly what to say, i was wondering what you thought on the matter. i don't want to jump gungho into expanding my practice when it can still sometimes be overwhelming simply to give attention to apollo and artemis and i worry adding another deity to my life will be too much. yet at the same time, i love athena and am very honored that she wants to be present in my life. do you have any kind of two cents?

situations like this are a very good time to remember that sometimes things just aren't that serious. i think that abrahamic religions have cast a sense of urgency into religious air; the idea that we must bend over backwards for the Gods if we decide to engage with Them. that engaging in religion is a devotion of EVERYTHING, your way of life and being. it is the idea that we must commit hours of time and commit ourselves in some way. this is a very fear-based idea because it hinges on the idea that Gods are angered or turned off when this standard is not met. in reality, especially in polytheist religions, this is the opposite of how most engaged with the Theoi. worship was intertwined with daily life and it was often casual or exchange-based. the Gods aren't these "big brother" commanders who come and need your everything. the Gods are supporters who are there to guide and protect you whenever you need.

if we put it into perspective, the Theoi are undying beings forming relationships with beings whose forms are painfully temporary, whose time is severely limited. we only have the time we are granted to experience things as humans. that's a whole lot of stuff to fit into a speck in time. the Gods don't care if our worship slows, or if it's few and far between. that only means that we're indulging in or working hard to exist in the world They've given us. in my opinion, living the life we were given and appreciating it is the most sacred form of worship out there.

so, don't worry about your worship being intermittent. dont worry about not having a strong enough relationship. don't put pressure on yourself to commit to anything. don't put pressure on yourself to fulfill every word the Theoi speak. if you'd like to wait for Athene, then tell Her so. if you'd like to worship Her, then being to do so. She is an extremely patient and level-headed Goddess in my experience, so a change of mind shouldn't be a problem especially if you feel the other choice is best. it's good to remember it is NEVER disrespectful to tell a God no, and especially not disrespectful to communicate that you changed your mind. hell, if you decide again that you want to wait then just tell Her ! if it becomes too much, spread your worship out more. having a shrine period is an act of admiration that the Gods will appreciate always.

so tldr; it isn't that serious. you can worship whatever you feel like, whenever you feel like, as often as you feel like. the Theoi aren't going anywhere and are here to support and guide the earth & its inhabitants. I'm sure Athene will be overjoyed that you changed your mind, and I'm sure the twins adore every moment you spend thinking about Them. you should always worship in the way that's best for you in the way that brings you the most joy and comfort.

all you ever need to keep the Theoi happy is a love for Them and a drive to give to Them, even if reality gets in the way sometimes. i wish you so much luck and an abundance of comfort with Athene, She is a wonderful WONDERFUL Goddess

#anon #ask #athene #artemis #apollon #helpol #hellenism #theoi

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gayassbahamut · 1 year

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there is no way to "fix" this

I had started writing this whole entry with the intent of describing from my memory the way me and my dad's conversation in the car went today. But I keep crying and I think I may be too emotional to be coherent, to get it out in the level of detail of a Ferrante scene.

All I can bring myself to say right now is that he was more emotionally open to me and with me today than he has been in so long. Like really maybe since I was a kid, or pre-teen. He was open, he was talking to me. He is pleading with me not to lose me. He told me he barely slept over the weekend, his brain was overloaded with thoughts after our last conversation. He was looking at pictures of me, young. He told me I am so beautiful, inside and out, that I am the light and soul and wisdom of the house, that the house lacks those things when I’m not there. That he misses me, that he never wants to lose me. That I am a part of him, that I am the best cleanest one in my family, which I believe was a reference to my mother’s side of the family. That he wants to see me get married and he wants to meet my kids. He doesn’t want me to take that away from all of them. I was crying a lot and he was sad to see that and was so gentle when he asked me why I was crying. I tried basically asking him if he could open his mind. He said, and this is the firmest he spoke in the whole conversation, that he is the most open minded Egyptian I will ever find, that was raised like him. This is the most open minded he was going to get, he said. I muttered something about needing to put my life back together in more ways than one, a measly effort to get the conversation to calm down, to get away with not committing to any “change.” He told me that he had his times as well, when he was young and in college and after college when he got to the states and that when it comes to work it’ll be okay, he drove cabs, he cooked, as long as the money is halal and not dirty and you’re not stealing or selling drugs or your body it’s okay and it will be okay. That he had times in his life earlier where he was, I think he was trying to allude that he was similarly misguided as he thinks I am now. He said he would do whatever I needed to help me. He would pay my rent for the whole rest of my lease so I can come home and get away from the influence of the city. I think at some point in there, like earlier to the conversation, that I weakly protested that I wasn’t like this because of college or New York City or the media’s influence. Everything I said during the conversation was weak, my life force felt like it began to dwindle and decline. He wants to bring me to Egypt for 3 weeks and show me everything. I think he wants to make everything right spiritually and religiously with me and I think he wants to make right what he relinquished in co-parenting me with my mother. In never getting to raise me properly Muslim. I think he wants that chance now. He knows I can find a man and be happy and have children. The way I’m even saying that isn’t accurate to how he said it, it makes him sound stupid. He wasn’t. He was full of emotion, speaking from true experience of his own.

What’s so sad about the part where he wants to take me under his wing so deeply and suddenly and really try to teach me and show me things, I have wanted that for so long, so badly. A connection to my Muslimness, permission to enter the practices, to know where I come from, to be taught and passed down things. Is it an answer to my prayer or a very tantalizing dark backroad that has suddenly appeared where there once was nothing?

I texted my therapist. I told her that I find it unbearable to imagine having to not have a relationship with him, especially while he is still alive and well.

She responded eventually:

Short of lying to him and denying your true self, there is no way to “fix” this. Hang in there.

Here’s to hanging in there. Because idk what’s worse, killing him by killing myself or killing him by being an out and proud lesbian.

Cheers,

Anonymous Sad Gay Muslim aka the gayassbahamut

#gay muslim #gayassbahamut #anonymous #heartbreak

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firstumcschenectady · 1 year

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“The Things We Fear, and the Things We Want” based on Deuteronomy 28:58-68 and John 11:17-27

I'm not particularly great at monitoring the secular calendar, so before I preach this sermon, I need to admit that I completely forgot today was Mothers' day. This is only relevant because I'm talking about parenting, which is something I'd have sought to avoid if I remembered. But I didn't. So here we are.

I'm intimidated by Mommy-blogs, online parent groups, and even parenting book. So I don't read them. I guess in part I think of them as being like the Book of Discipline – the second you open it to figure something out you find you are out of compliance and then you have to decide if you want to A. Exert an exceptional amount of energy coming into compliance or B. Maintain the status quo while feeling guilty for knowingly doing it wrong. That said, I don't think parenting quite has rules like the Book of Discipline so may it is more than I'm well aware of how judgmental people are of parents, and I'm just terrified of entering a space where I'll be judged like that.

(It occurs to me this is a powerful motivator for why people stay away from church too. Scary parallels.)

All of that is to say, I want to talk a little bit about parenting, but I don't know any of the official words and I'm far to scared to go down the rabbit hole of the internet to find them. So, here are words that no one has agreed upon, but I think are right. I aim to be a “feelings and needs parent.” By which I mean I seek to provide a lot of names for feelings, because I think talking about feelings helps everything, and having good names helps in talking about feelings. Things like, for example, “I have dread when I think about online parent groups.” The other part of this is needs, and for me that means that I believe that all human actions are motivated by attempting to meet basic human needs. To go back to that example, “I have dread when I think about online parenting groups because I have needs for compassion and to experience myself as competent and I'm afraid that both will be threatened.”

I'm pretty well bought in to the value of thinking about human behavior as an expression of human need, and I'm also committed to the value of using feelings as sources of wisdom. These are whole life commitments, and also parenting ones. They aren't particularly easy parenting commitments though. It means working together to figure out what is going on, and how that has impacted behavior, and what that means about what needs are seeking to be met, and how we might meet those needs together safely and without stepping on other people's needs. And basically there aren't any shortcuts to doing that work.

The good part is that the skills I develop in parenting around feelings and needs are also ones that are useful in dealing with myself, and also in working with others in the church. The bad part is that one can get kinda drained doing things the hard way all the time.

Alas.

Because the another option is basically what we have in Deuteronomy, where God is presented as an authoritative, punitive parent who says “do it my way, or suffer the consequences.” And there the consequences are particularly awful.

Whenever I read Deuteronomy I remind myself to hear it in context. Deuteronomy was written down in the aftermath of the destruction of Jerusalem and the despair of the Exile, in an attempt to answer the questions, “Why did this happen to us and what could we have done to prevent it?” Those writing have just experienced a huge communal trauma that threatened every part of their identity and theology, and they want to believe that it happened for a REASON. Because that's just human. We want to make sense of the things that happen.

As people who largely believed that everything that happened, happened because God wanted it to happen, they then believed that the destruction had been God's punishment, and to keep God in the right it thus it followed that their own misbehavior was the culprit. So, I can hear in our passage today an underlying assumption “oh how we wish we'd been more motivated to do things God's way so this didn't' happen to us! I wonder what would have convinced us. Maybe these threats would have helped.”

Even so, I still cringe. That isn't the way I parent, it isn't the way I was parented, this isn't the way I want to see power used in the church or the world, and to get to the point, it doesn't fit the way I understand God.

And yet, the idea of God as one who punishes and rewards is quite a prevalent concept in the Bible and to take a stand against it requires acknowledging that. I am so grateful for John Dominic Crossan for the way he named the two “streams of thought” in the Hebrew Bible. One is the one we heard today – the stream of covenant, reward, punishment, and threat. It is there, it is plentiful, it can be found in the New Testament too if you are looking for it. BUT the other one is just as plentiful, and he called that the stream of “Sabbath and distributive justice.” That one says God created Sabbath as a gift to be equally distributed to all, and after Sabbath is distributed so too should be the land, the food, the education, … the power, etc. It is a vision of community, of sharing, of collaboration, and of motivation to love because God loves.

Both of the streams exist, and both are substantial. And probably both of them exist in us all to some extent, but most of us end up choosing one or the other, and I stand firmly on the side of Sabbath and distributive justice. I'm not arrogant enough to claim the other one is WRONG, or lacks value, or those who follow it are un-faithful. I just am here admitting that I know where I stand.

The punishments I hear in Deuteronomy are scare tactics, they are what people fear. But fear isn't a great motivator, even if plenty of us use it on ourselves all the time. OK, fine, it is a REALLY powerful short term motivator, but it doesn't change or form hearts or minds and it runs out of steam relatively quickly. The punishments from this passage flow pretty neatly into the conceptions of heaven and hell and a God who judges who goes where – used to motivate people toward goodness and compliance but also quite poorly. I've been asked by people why I am motivated to do good in the world if not simply to avoid hell.

OYE!

In truth, I tend to think of the two streams of thought in the Bible as being highly reflective of two steams of thought I see in our society. The Covenant one with rewards and punishments sounds a whole lot like authoritative leadership and a parental style often described as “daddy knows best.” (Which doesn't mean that every family system in which this is the model has a father or has the father as the one who knows best.) In this system everyone else's wisdom as well as their needs are dismissed so that the authoritative figure gets what they want and others are simply expected to comply.

The Sabbath, distributive justice one sounds like an egalitarian family, one where the feelings and needs of everyone are taken seriously, and win-win solutions are sought together.

Dear ones, I work with God toward the kindom of God because I believe it is possible to be a part of a better world. I believe we can take care of each other. I believe we can distribute goods and resources fairly. I believe people are lovely and it is worth working for everyone to be better off together. I believe in ABUNDANCE and that means there is enough for everyone if we just STOP being scared.

Which means I would rather not scare people, since fear itself is part of the resistance to just distribution.

Now, I think some of the same energy that we find in Deuteronomy is also in John this week. Martha believes her brother wouldn't have died if only Jesus was there, and a conversation ensues about the correctness of her belief. For the Gospel of John, Jesus IS God, and whatever we may think about that notion, it is useful to remember when listening to John. So Martha believed the presence of God would have prevented her brother's untimely death, and is rather irked Jesus didn't show up. This becomes a opening to talk about Jesus/God's power of life and resurrection, and in fact the story goes on past what we read today to the resurrection of Lazarus.

However, as Wilda Gafney says, Lazarus “is raised to life in the same old world. Life in Jesus happens here among the brokenness, failings, and limitations of the present world.”[1] While it could be easy to hear Jesus as talking about AFTERLIFE, the context of Lazarus pulls us back to THIS world.

Which means it pulls us back to making THIS world better, together, for all of God's beloveds, all of us. I don't know better motivations than gratitude and hope. Gratitude for the goodness of life and love, hope that with God all things are possible. Including win-win solutions. Including everyone's needs being met and everyone's feelings being taken seriously. To get there, we get to practice – with each other, with our families, every where we go. And thank goodness, there is a whole lot of grace for when we slip up.

If you want to take a first, tentative step towards all this, here is a link to a “Feelings and Needs” sheet with a lot of feeling words and a list of universal human needs, and it is best to start with yourself. What do YOU feel? What do you need? And how is it you feel God nudging you along to get those needs met?

Or, maybe get to a deeper question: what is underneath what you want? What needs are really seeking to be met and what ways are you willing to try to get them met? As we learn more to trust in God to care, we become better and better at sharing that love with others. We learn to make space for feelings, and needs. May God help us all! Amen

[1] Wilda C. Gafney, A Women's Lectionary for the Whole Church (Church Publishing Incorporated: New York, NY, 2021) p. 185

Rev. Sara E. Baron First United Methodist Church of Schenectady 603 State St. Schenectady, NY 12305 Pronouns: she/her/hers http://fumcschenectady.org/ https://www.facebook.com/FUMCSchenectady

May 14, 2023

#thinking church #progressive christianity #fumc schenectady #schenectady #umc #first umc schenectady #sorry about the umc #rev sara e baron #Easter Season #What a text

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