#I think I'm gonna fail though

[brainrot-yumm]

tw: third year anniversary of ending one of the worst points in my life uwu so mental health issues SH talk Past thoughts of suicide talk

I'm very not used to people following this account man. Genuinely this is gonna be a very personal ramble I'll be having so be warned. I know since this is online it was always gonna be seen but I'm not used to it. Luckily this didn't happen while my account was peaking or else there'd be a lot more issues than needed.

So! Halloween was my 3 year anniversary of not killing myself, and today (or yesterday as of 4 hours ago) is my 3 year anniversary of going clean from self-harm. It's a bit ironic how I was actually contemplating hurting myself during these days, legitimately not as a relapse thing but because I have some chest acne that's been bothering me and turning them into scabs tends to make them go away faster. I don't count that as self-harm at all since it's not emotionally based on release but more as a weird side effect that I can now do thanks to my self-inflicted high pain tolerance. This anniversary is especially important to me because it's been six years since I planned to die. So now I've spent about as much time suicidal as I've spent recovering. Though it's more like 3 and a half years, so check back next June.

I know it's poor taste to say, but there are a few good things that came from all this mixed in the ocean of terribleness. I genuinely like my scars (how they feel, look, represent). I don't think they make me look better than before but I don't think they retract from my appearance at all. I get tattoos now instead of hurting myself to get the same meaning in a healthier way though. I also love having a high pain tolerance, it gives me more options on how to live my life and keeps me from hurting as much in general. And now that I'm hyper-obsessed with not becoming an abuser like my intrusive thoughts say I will inevitably be, I'm learning a lot about myself and how I function in order to work around and fight against impulses. Uh. And that's all the good things. And I could go on for hours about everything else and the rest is all bad.

I think I'm doing a lot better than I was last year. It's honestly strange. I kind of feel like I'm experiencing my childhood again, because everything's normal now. Middle school and puberty has been associated with being traumatized to me, so now that everything is normal and nobody is hurting me (and it's so fucked up how that tremendously traumatic experience is really just a 7-year event that could have happened to anyone, that I can just stumble upon trauma and will inevitably stumble into pain like that again against my will it's so fucked), it feels like I'm a kid again. A very, very, very, very busy kid. A kid who needs naptime and eats too much candy for Halloween and can still kind of summersault and somehow still has too many expectations for the world. I'm hoping maybe I can reclaim some of the hope I used to have. Normalcy feels nostalgic to me I guess.

But yeah, I'm doing better. I'm always tired, I cry pretty much daily, I have the emotional maturity/understanding of a 12-year-old, and despite having been in the semester for like 11 weeks I still haven't scheduled an appointment with the counseling center, but I got diagnosed with ADHD, I'm having more fun with my fashion than ever, I fully understand and accept myself as trans despite being so cis-passing, and apparently I see myself as worthy enough to ask my splat out. I wasn't able to ask her out on Halloween, mostly cuz I knew she was too busy and didn't wanna burden her further. However we eat lunch together now and if I can get my rizz together I might ask her for dinner. I was not able to see myself as worthy enough for another relationship last year.

I'm happy to be alive. I've always been happy to be alive. It's just that I spent so long not living that I stopped thinking there was a point. And now I'm alive again. It's nice.

#My mental state is always kinda wonky around this time but that's also the fact that I got a little seasonal depression in me #November is always the time I heavily traumatize myself with media online for no good reason #Two years straight I watched PSA compilations and cried every single day of November #and last year I read backrooms wiki entries until my mental state started getting legitimately affected #This year I'm trying not to be impulsive and buy some eromanga visual novels that will fuck me up for years to come #I think I'm gonna fail though #anyway yay! 3 years of being clean! 3 years of not being dead! idk about you but I'm proud of that #reminder in case people read this DON'T send me DMs with congratulations or anything please

[beatcroc]

pest control TWO!!!!! heres the first one

adn heres the obligatory bonus bc i can't help myself :')

#i already threatened that little basard twice in these i may as well make good on it #pizza tower #peppino spaghetti #fake peppino #the noise #fp ''oh god wait that is not a real rat and also tastes awful'' moments. he doesnt actually have any interest in eating that thang ok #even if seeing a small scampering little guy like that WILL activate his prey drive without fail #peppino loves it he thinks it's the funniest shit in the world for fp to go after noise. so he is always encouraging this. #but anyway yeah. fp is *really* not the one noise should be worried about. #arting #pizzaposting #i still have lots of tag room thjis time so im gonna do some tangential nonsense rambling. e #fp gotta be like crazy good at hunting i think. not just for strength and predator instincts but also bc like #he doesn't have much in the way of a scent or body heat or anything that would give him away as an alive thing #not to mention he's uh... not particularly organically-shaped a lot of the time #so esp. to smaller prey that don't like... memorize a landscape; if he holds very still he's like completely undetectable #total ambush king. though i'm sure hes also very good at #persistence and pursuit hunting since he has peppino's speed and no way of getting muscle fatigue. ultimate beast #fortunately he doesnt care that much and doesnt really need to eat so hes not devastating the local ecosystem or anything #except for the rats.

[redbootsindoriath]

Apparently in my absence this post had its 1000-notes-iversary.

This time we get to see the culprit responsible for ruining our heroes' lives as well.

I've really missed you guys, by the way. I know I've said that already, but I'm serious. Once or twice this year I've been right on the brink of coming back but schedule stuff always keeps me from letting myself commit to that again, and that in turn has kept me from posting anything at all. But I've been in an unexpected drawing mood lately and so if I can get enough stuff to set up a queue we might pretend I'm back for a month or so sometime this year. Maybe. Hopefully. We'll see. No promises though. That's why I'm hiding this paragraph under the cut.

Transcription:

[Beren:] "Uhhh...barkeep...I think he's had enough now..." [Tolkien:] "No, I don't think he has...!"

#beren #bilbo #frodo #tolkien #túrin #the man the myth the legends #beowulf except everybody is short #one shiny #three shinies #everyone deserved better except mîm #what's this a happy ending #my trash #is this actually funny or am i just tired #i'm sorry professor tolkien #/end classification tags #túrin keeps becoming a bigger and bigger guy in my drawings and at this rate he's going to be way taller and broader than he should be #canonically he was really tall and broad but i don't think the professor meant like THIS #at least it makes him really distinct i guess #gonna be sufficiently intimidating for the dagor dagorath #but in the meantime he's just making beren look like a schoolkid in this doodle #(and as i'm sitting here writing these tags i suddenly realize i forgot túrin's white hair streaks again) #(tsk tsk shame on me) #(and didn't it say somewhere that beren's hair also turned grey...? i can't remember where it said that though) #(0 for 2 i have failed all of us) #ANYWAY in my absence tumblr apparently changed formatting again which is not cool but whatever #it's nice to draw again #i've had art block for like 9 months straight #and suddenly this month i suddenly was able to write AND draw again as if i never stopped #i've had writer's block since maybe 2021 so that was the most surprising part #weirdest thing ever but i'm not mad about it

[cerise-on-top]

Heyyyy :3 and could you do how Kate laswell would help you when your on your period?? :D

Hey! Sure I can!

Laswell Helping Her S/O on Their Period

Laswell doesn’t get periods anymore, which she couldn’t be happier about. Every time she did get her period she felt as though she was going to die. Her cramps were bad, everything else hurt as well, she was moody and probably almost decked someone several times throughout her life. She always thought getting her period was unnecessary. She's a lesbian, she was never going to do the devil’s tango with a man and get pregnant. Laswell always wished her body would understand that as well, but alas. However, she would feel a lot of pity and sympathy when you’re on your period as she knows how much it can suck. While she may not actively track it, she’ll always know when you’re about to get your period, being able to identify the signs. She’ll make the preparations as well, which can range from getting you some meds, should you need them, to buying chocolate or other snacks. Hell, she’ll buy you the best heating pad she can find as well. However, she still won’t be too big on cuddling with you, unless you insist on her doing so. She’s not the warmest person around, so she likely won’t be able to ease your pains like that either. However, she’ll bundle you up in a blanket and watch bloopers of your favorite shows with you until you’re laughing again and it gets a bit better. Although she’s usually okay with doing the chores on her own, when you’re not doing well because you’re menstruating she will actively encourage you to stay in bed and let her handle everything. Cleaning the dishes should be the least of your concerns for the time being. Makes you tea, coffee or maybe some hot chocolate. You won’t need to move a single finger. If she really needs to, then she’ll change the bed sheets as well if you bled on them. She won’t be mad, she gets it. It’s not something you can control, after all. So, all in all, she’ll do her best to take care of you as well as she can. Might take a day off too if you need her to.

#cod #cod x reader #kate laswell #kate laswell x reader #again I am so glad I don't get periods anymore #it's one of the main perks of taking medication #it's the reason why I don't wanna change my current medication anymore either #Laswell is an older lady so I think the worst is behind her by this point #which I am happy for her for. like yes queen! you suffered enough time to get some respite from all this biological nonsense #sorry this took so long to write. I'm only really able to write as I am right now since I studied for hours on end at work today #I think I'm gonna fail the test again this Friday but I'll be doing better than last time so that's good! #anyway I'm gonna write the fluff alphabet for Farah now. not sure if I'll be able to finish it today though #but if everything keeps up as it is right now then I'll likely be able to finish it tomorrow! #and then I finally won't have any requests again as of now #just kidding I love writing but it is exhausting at times

[front-facing-pokemon]

#milotic #i think i talked a bit about my thoughts on this pokémon in the last post #which like. y'know i *like* it—i think water/ice is cool‚ if only because i like lapras as well and it's one of my faves‚ but y'know #there's still the whole weirdness of “wow it starts out ugly and then gets pretty!” which is just a Little bit… weird #so i'm gonna cut it off there to be honest. i do think it has pretty good ffp syndrome though. check it out… #UPDATE: I KNOW NOW IT IS MONO WATER #MY MISTAKE & I HAVE FAILED & ET CETERA

[skrunksthatwunk]

you go to a lesbian blog and find it says women only!! no men allowed!!! and go oh! excuse me, um, what about other lesbians? plenty of lesbians are genderqueer... and they go well, okay, go fuck yourself tim chop off your sweaty dick and stop calling yourself a lesbian. you do not have a dick, actually. you think about that fact often, even though it does you no good. you do not tell this person that.

you go to another lesbian blog and it says women only and you try again, and this time they change it to wlw + nblw only (non-men who love non-men :D). and you'll say hey i appreciate that but gender's not really that cut and dry for a lot of people. someone could be both a man and nonbinary, for instance. i just worry that you're looking at nonbinary as a generic third gender, or an extension of womanhood. i mean yeah you include nblw in your tags but all your posts are about pussy-havers exclusively. what's with that? and they say go fuck yourself you pervy man pretending to be a lesbian. you tried to sneak in but i won't let you.

so you go to a lesbian blog with a dozen or so posts about queer people needing to be more weird about it and you sigh in relief. but you still see the men dni. that's odd. hoping for the best, you say hey! i know you mean well but please maybe don't put men dni at the end of the lovely posts on your lesbian blog bc some lesbians are men. and they'll be like ok!! well you're allowed ;) and you say no that's not. no. some men are lesbians not just me. you think about your own dicklessness and wonder if that's why you were given entry. and you add that even if male lesbians are allowed, there's no indication of that. how would anyone know without asking? and they're like ohh gotcha gotcha well men dni + this is for sapphics only!! and you'll be like ok well that treats the concepts of men and sapphics as mutually exclusive identities and i just told you that's not true and you agreed with me so.. i don't think that solves our problem. and they're like. ok. fine. men dni but genderfluid and multigender people are allowed! and you're like no see that's. that's still the same thing.. you're saying the same thing just with different words. if you don't want men to interact but you're fine with multigender/genderfluid/etc ppl interacting then you either don't see them as Real Men (because they don't reach a standard of Full Manhood) or Complete Men (because they're only Part-Time Men), both of which suggest that they are, in some way, not men or less-than men, which is invalidating and defeats the point of the exception in the first place (accommodation) OR that you don't really mean the dni which is confusing and inconsistent and makes guydykes feel weird and uncomfortable and excluded from the lesbian space you're trying to cultivate. and they're like um. ok. so. cishet men dni? and you're like well i think that makes more sense, but what if someone identifies as both a cishet man and a sapphic? again, if we're trying to accommodate the genderfucky populace then that has to be a possibility that is considered. and they say god you people are never happy. what do you want me to do? what am i supposed to say to keep the right men out? and you pause. you empathize with the need for a space free from dudes trying to fuck you straight and feminine. dudes who watch lesbian porn and joke about what they'd do if they were allowed into girls locker rooms. who look at you like a piece of meat, and like someone who looks at women like pieces of meat in the same way he does. you get it. you know. you want a space where you can be sapphic, too. that's why you came to these blogs in the first place. you brace yourself and you say well i don't know that there are "right men" to keep out. i don't know that there's any single label that would accomplish whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. you could go for "sapphics only" or "queers only" and i think that might be the closest thing to what you want, but it's never going to be perfect. creating any exclusive space is going to shut out people you didn't account for, and the broader the label, the more people will be shut out that you didn't want to shut out. and what about people who don't know if they're allowed? what of questioning transbians, where are they supposed to go? and, frankly, i think i might rather my dykey posts get read and appreciated by a gay guy who sees me as a man than a woman who only sees me as a sacred womb, pure from male perversions or violence or whatever. i think community might just be more complex than a dni can handle. and they look at you and say i don't want to not have a dni. i think you're too permissive. you can't just "what about" or microlabel your way into everything. go fuck yourself, i bet you're not even a lesbian anyway. go find a real problem to get mad about.

you go to a lesbian blog. you ignore the men dni because you know you probably don't even count to them. or maybe you do count and, out of respect for your manhood, they'd shun you accordingly. you try to feel okay about that. you scroll past dozens of posts about mediocre men and gagging at straight friends' boyfriends and how gross and undeserving men are of the beautiful women they couple up with and how all women should be gay so they can get treated right and and and and and. you finally find a post about curling into someone you love and feeling at peace and try to lose yourself in it. you know that feeling is what unites you, what makes you belong. you try to focus on it. you think about carding your hands through a butch's hair or lacing fingers with a femme and feeling warm and loved and more yourself than you ever have before. like this is who you're meant to be. you read about lesboys and butch boytoys and genderfucky dykes and big hairy deep-voiced wonderful women (like you want to be someday, like you wish you could make yourself) and you try to ignore the men dni underneath each and every post. and you daydream about meeting someone kind and earnest at a lesbian bar even though you don't think any such bars exist within three states of you and you can't drink and don't want to drink because you need to be in control of yourself at all times so you don't fuck up like you're always about to and here in the nonexistent lesbian bar you feel wanted and safe and in good company. you picture your ideal, happiest self. it is a mistake. ideal-you has a goatee. not the mascara one you smear on and call drag even though you know it's not drag, not really, the beard you call drag because you think everyone would look at you sadly if you told them it was just to pretend you had something out of your reach. a beard that's soft and that you grew and that cannot be smudged away if you get too comfortable with it. the dream shatters. your people pull away from you, their scoffs mixing with the mind-numbing gay girl bedroom pop you learned to settle for just to have something that almost resembled you, they all pull away and turn their backs and do not look at you. you're too close to being a man now, even though you're the same amount of man as before. and they know you're not supposed to interact with men, not as you would with dykes, at least. and it sours. it's all your imagination, all in your head, but it sours.

you sigh. you think about how small you are. how short, how narrow, how feeble. how your voice pitches up when you talk to strangers because it's easier to speak quietly when it carries more, and because you're nervous. because it's a chore to talk, like everything is. you think about testosterone. you think about how your family would look at you, the questions they would ask, your answers they would only pretend to accept. the uncomfortable glances and whispered questions they'd try to hide from you. you think about how small you are, and how small you will always be. how you don't know of a way to fix it, but even if there was one, no one would want you anymore. you'd be the only one thinking it made you a cooler dyke. you think about how you don't even want a T-voice all the time, how you'll never be able to switch it at will, because you don't know how and can't bring yourself to figure it out. you think about how your throat closes around every hint of your own attraction. how wanting is perverse, how wanting is invasive, how wanting is embarrassing and too vulnerable so it must stay anonymous, as an online witness, and how you can barely manage to form or maintain friendships because your brain makes you pull away, always spinning out and struggling to recover from the simplest of interactions. how they'll all leave you and you won't chase after them at all and how that will hurt them. how stuck you get. how it looks like nothing's holding you back, how that frustrates everyone who thought you were going to be more than you were. the people you love who understand except when it comes to being ghosted, being shut out. how you don't want to hurt them. how you can't tell them that because you're stuck. how you turn to stone when touched, how you never reach out, how you lose your speech and can't look at people, how your autism is fun and sexy until it becomes real and you never see them anymore, how much you longed for someone who knew everything without you having to explain, and who loved you anyway. how unreasonable you know that is to expect of anyone. you think about that not-even-real lesbian bar. you think about how you still can't drive. how you can't leave your home on your own, without dragging somebody into helping you. how you can't leave your body. how you can't leave your manhood behind.

you think about finding another lesbian blog and ignoring everything. about skimming it for the parts you can juice some meaning from. the parts men ignore and don't understand, and how typical of you it is to do so. or the parts where you're not welcome and you should accept that, because it's for lesbians only. how you are a lesbian anyway. how you're meant to choose lesbian or man, how each is a betrayal of some kind to yourself or your people, your family, your lovely strangers, your rare friendly acquaintances. about the parts that tell you you're not wanted, that you're ugly and lazy and gross and insert yourself everywhere without even asking. about the parts that tell you you are hated, and how lesbians are above it all by rejecting men. how lesbians are each blessed miracles. about the parts that say you should be ashamed of being whatever twisted confused freak you are, of everything, of looking and wanting or not looking or not wanting, of picking and choosing instead of taking it all in with a smile. after all, shouldn't you take it? or is your ego too fragile, as men's so often are? aren't you tired? good. we're not here for your consumption. and we sure as hell don't want your company or "community" or whatever. didn't you read the sign? no boys allowed. and if you want to come in you have to make up your mind. as if you haven't told them the only answer you have. you're both. you're both.

you know you broke the rule by interacting.

but it gets lonely sometimes. you wonder if they know.

#before i maybe get yelled at: #1) no i do not think ppl are evil for having men dnis no i do not think these are all equal transgressions even #though there is an overlap that should be examined that i think is based in a degree of lesbian separatism + exclusionism #2) yes there are lesbian blogs and people that are cool about genderfucky people. i'm not talking about them #3) this is a stylized vent post about trying to find lesbian content on tumblr that isn't like this. all these dnis/rules are ones i have #encountered. no i do not literally tell these people to change their dnis to suit me. the conversations are symbolic and ideological in #nature. if i find a blog with men dni i generally go somewhere else. it's about emotions. it's about my feelings on that it's not literally #about dming someone demanding they change things. it's not about demanding that You change things or else you're a bad person. #4) it is about the conflicts and hypocrisy and inconsistency of strict and exclusive sexuality labels persisting in gender-diverse spaces #and how it affects me as a lesbian who is a man who is a woman who is fucking whatever else. and yes it is about transphobia too. #5) it's about how lesbians feel the need to exclude men and how i think efforts to do so fail and hurt ppl and are often misguided #tht i think also comes up in like. bi lesbian/mspec lesbian/gaybian discourse. i'm not any of those myself but it seems like there's overla #6) if this post seems whiny and sad and insecure that's because it probably is. i have a right to be all of those things. #7) no i do not think all lesbians are man-hating assholes. i am a lesbian. i love lesbians. i love dykes and most of them are fantastic ppl #i just think the general bullshit of the world leads to this defensive thing that ends up hurting others in our community y'know? #8) i get that my perspective/experience is a bit unusual and many lovely ppl haven't considered it. that's part of why i'm sharing this #nyarla dni #<- sorry man it's too vulnerable. gonna keep this one to the internet-only folks

[vesrimm]

hi I'm cooking something. here's a preview.

#when i get home i'm gonna have to work on cleaning up the current refs for everything. #i feel like i should do other prep ..... i got all the audio cut + set up a part tracker and a script page. erm. a google form too? #categories in my MAP server? still feel like stuff's missing. ...... hrm #btw rendering this sucked ass bc arti's tail + ear twitch are on entirely different layers to the point that i couldnt like. cut the loop #anywhere that i could think of to just export it as a smaller file. #so the initial file was just the length of the whole song and failed 7 times to render..... we got em though lol

[twilightarcade]

that's a weird dog

#wordstag #notwordswordstag #neptune wgen it's being normal about that eclipse thing #drawn at late oh clock it's like 2am right now . I think I'm gonna darken the eyes in the morning #or I won't. You never know with this guy. #anyhow I'm in bed now and I'm sooooo cozy. #ok so [mr beasts] this drawing was a 'let's use all the brushes in the sketching section & see what happens' thing #I think we're going 2 do another one w/ a smaller canvas size because I wanna . Try something. & this canvas was way too big #(<-I've been using the same canvas 4 like . Ages. And some IDIOT refuses 2 just move the sketches over( #literally whoever invented patterns on clothing should go explode . Do you have any clue #it's ok though . Fun exercise in whatever it's called. Perspective. If it was evil. ( I am failing the exercise) #ummmmmmm I thibk that's all. Spent way longer on this than I meant to. But the REAL criminal here was anzu because #That was supposed 2 be a warm up. Of sorts. I don't really do warm ups much if I'm going 2 be honest #trying 2 get into the habit but me drawing is more like . I'm going to draw 5 things in one sitting take it or leave it #ok guess who just . Fixed it. #I could point out like a million other things wrong but I'm not going to [smug cat picture] I'll leave that up to your imagination #ok umm how many tags is that . Not enough ? I want 2 do those whatever u wanna call those things again #yyou know. Peeks in my inbox. #ddude I might want to uh. I might want to crop this thing. #landscape is fun and all but seriously I can't #whatever. Officially a tomorrow me issue. Guess who's headed to sleep baby. #tomorrow neptune here I ended up cropping it after all.cod bleAmerica.ca. #anyhow I don't think I mentioned the . The Animal?

[nobodysdaydreams]

Oh this hurts

"Wait, you're jealous" // "I'm not jealous, I'm worried. You've changed. // "You're right. I have changed. I used to be a nervous mess, and now-" // "The Whisper is manipulating your mind, your emotions" // "I know. For the better."

"It's so disappointing to see you turn to envy" // "I'm not jealous. I'm heartbroken." // "Nicholas, I've moved on. You are holding on to an outdated view of me that is the source of much unhappiness" // “You're creating an artificial state of happiness. It is a complete disconnection from true emotion”. // You don't have to be heartbroken. You can be happy".

#that foreshadowing though #I think I've seen this film before #I know I've done a lot with this concept but the scene was good #Wait does this imply sticky is what Curtain would be like if he dropped the facade? Since sticky becomes like curtain when brain washed? #Oh my and Yes I know the Benedict brother's convo is out of order I needed the panels to match I'm sorry #fan theory that Curtain's inventions all started as failed attempts to cure his narcolepsy so he could be adopted #then he realized that that curing anxiety and inducing fake happiness gave him control over others #I'm watching the writers with their little sticky reynie letter writing conflict #are they gonna have the boys parallel Curtain and Benedict again #Is that why they killed off Sticky's parents? So he also has no one? #Cause Kate has Milligan Reynie has Ms. Perumal and Constance has Benedict #All Sticky has is an aunt who couldn't be bother to show up for the season finale #Oh well I guess we'll find out #the mysterious benedict society #mysterious benedict society #tmbs #tmbs disney #mbs #mbs disney #mbs s2 #mbs season 2 #sticky washington #reynie muldoon #ld curtain #mr curtain #ledroptha curtain #nathaniel benedict #nicholas benedict #mr benedict

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

[Monkie kid season 3 episode 4 spoilers, tw abuse] 

SO many things make sense about Macaque’s character and the way he’s been acting now after episode 4. Man’s basically straight up been abused by LBD.

AND THE WAY HE’S ALWAYS SO THROWN BY THE WAY MK RESPONDS TO HIM NOW MAKES SENSE TOO NOW

BECAUSE MK IS HIM. Macaque is to Mk what LBD is Macaque. Macaque is threatened and abused and he turns around and does the same things to Mk, responding violently to him, gloating, threatening, telling him “you’re nothing,” because LBD tells him in the wake of “HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN WHO I AM? WHAT I AM?” he is nothing. 

And then instead of continuing the cycle of taking it and turning around and being that person to someone else, Mk breaks out, fights back, and asks him why he’s doing this. 

Macaque says “FIGHT BACK” but it’s almost like he wants to lord over him the fact that he can’t fight back rather than get him to actually fight back. Mk is powerless and Macaque is powerful and he can do nothing, he is nothing. That could be why he alway seems to look so surprised whenever Mk actually fights back. 

Mk doesn’t react like he does. Instead he breaks the cycle. He’s kind to his friends, what’s more is he’s kind to Macaque. And when he doesn’t back off, he kicks out kicks back, because Mk knows what’s happening is wrong and that Macaque is wrong and he has a group of friends who supports him and mean the world to him, and he will take it all, but the moment you put them in danger he fights, and that is what Macaque doesn’t have. 

He miscalculates because he assumes everyone is like him or thinks like him or reacts like him like he thinks they will, but his ability to see that is completely screwed by the fact that he’s been manipulated and abused and gaslit by the Lady Bone Demon. He can’t even see people anymore. Like… 

He’s in a rough spot. We don’t know how long LBD had to mess with him or how much in his head isn’t real that she showed him, or how much is through his warped lens, or how much was planted as false memories by her. How almost angelic like she looks in the flashback feels wrong. 

Macaque’s unstable right now. Straight up. He’s lashing out more than ever, unhinged in a way that really illustrates the fact he’s falling apart right now. He got taken advantage of when he was near-death and agreed to a deal that has trapped him in an abusive horrible situation. Can’t even get a good figure on how that happened because both LBD and Macaque are unreliable narrators. Even Macaque’s own memories could be something changed by LBD, a specific version of events that she forces him to remember when they might not be true. 

However he got there, Macaque is in a pretty horrible situation. Mk, who’s been directly traumatized and manipulated by LBD is in a pretty horrible one too, but he’s choosing to try and find something to beat her, when, to Macaque, she is unbeatable, so why try to do anything but follow her and stay on “the winning side”. He’s been pretty thoroughly snapped to pieces and sculpted into her “champion”. It’s not him. But that’s who he has to be right now to survive in his mind. 

Macauqe is LBD’s “champion” and Macaque is trying to make Mk his “student” which is basically just code word for “tool” and “punching bag”. And the cycle of abuse ends there, because Mk won’t let it continue. 

Being in a situation like that is no excuse to treat anyone the way he does, abuse is abuse no matter what you experience, Macaque is to Mk what LBD is to Macaque and yet Mk chooses be kind despite that, even if the situation is so similar. It doesn’t make what he does okay, but it does provide a much closer look at why he acts and reacts the way he does to things. 

Why doesn’t he fight back?

Well, he tells us himself. 

“Kid, you can’t even beat me.” 

When Sun Wukong was at full power, Macaque couldn’t beat him. And when Mk fought LBD all out, using all of Sun Wukong’s powers, he lost, Sun Wukong even hasn’t tried to fight her. So, if he can’t beat them he knows he can’t beat her when she’s stronger than them. The way he treats Mk actually kinda just tells him exactly what he thinks and his rationalization behind things. 

Anyway, Macaque’s an abuser who has been abused himself and hecking needs therapy. Looking forward to getting more of the backstory between him and Wukong cause that could provide SO much more insight to his character and I am STARING. 

#Knox rambles #Monkie Kid analysis #Lego Monkie kid season 3 spoilers #Monkie Kid season 3 spoilers #tw abuse #abuse mention #Six Eared Macaque #ANYWAY I'M JUST RAMBNLING THOUGHTS #Macaque's not in control so he tries to manipulate Mk to feel in control #tells him who he is and what he will be #even though none of it's true #sees Mk's kindness and seems to think it'lll go away after a while scoffs at it laughs #i'M JUST #H #cycle of abuse #absolutely FASCINATING that that is the approach they took with Macaque and i do wonder if that was a conscious decision #GOSH THO IT'S VERY WELL DONE #THIS SHOW IS FIRE THE HECK #Macaque is gonna fail and then... #well #long post #kinda #bG;KLANMEWOF #This got a little heavy but WOW #that was heavy to watch #honestly every ep with mac in has been heavy with the abuse and manipulation #felt it since day one but hoooo boi #ep 4 was real heavy #twitter doesn't get this analysis cause they're not ready for it LOL BGLKSDMF;AWE

[gregoftom]

mannnn who up tearing up over the sticker scene

#txt #i just starting thinking about how terrified greg must have been :((((( #he made a mistake and why would tom protect him now when he can pick and choose so much more freely who he wants #logically i'm sure he knows matsson is indeed pissed over what he did but he doesn't hate greg at least not enough to get rid of him #yet that kind of phrasing he believes in an instant bc he's in such a state of fear you can see it in his eyes in his movements #he's so afraid he's gonna go right back to being homeless to his last 20 bucks and no one will save him. no one will love him. no one will #care. but tom!!!!!! oh GOD tom!!!! says i got just enough capital!!!! i got you! and then says I GOT YOU AGAIN! just so greg didn't miss it! #you hear me? i got you!!! i'll keep you! #can i come with you nero? YES YOU CAN THATS NOT EVEN A QUESTION #and the sheer. like. shock. of being chosen like that. greg is just staring at tom as he plucks the sticker off #stock fucking still as tom puts it on even swaying slightly with the gentle force of tom putting the sticker on him bc he #can't quite believe it for a second #then he breaks into a dopey sideways smile and tom tells him gently again i got you. #you got me? even after everything? even after i made a mistake? even though i hurt you? even though i tried to make my way #and failed? even after i slapped you? even after i fought back in the bathroom? you still want me? #it just. man idk it hits me right in the kokoro....

[cheekblush]

i’ve been sitting in front of my chemistry notes for 3 hours crying because i just can’t retain any information

#i'm absolutetly mortified about tomorrow's final #my head hurts so much i can't concentrate at all #and no matter what i look at or read through i just can't remember or understand anything #this might sound silly but please pray for me that i'll pass the exam tomorrow otherwise i'll have to repeat the school year #unfortunately they don't give any second chances if you fail a final you automatically have to repeat a year it's absolutely horrible #i think i never felt so unprepared for an exam in my life even though i'm sitting here trying to study nothing works #i'm gonna try to summarize the most important things & hopefully i can retain some of that information #it's just SO MUCH to remember & i think our teacher didn't properly prepare us for this final #please please please please please please let me pass this exam i am on my knees crying i really am #i'm so anxious i just can't seem to calm down #☁️

[candlebel]

I cared. I still do. I still think of you and I still cry over you. You were importat to me. You still are.

#I was interested. I wanted to get to know you. #I did not want validation. I only said it because you said it... I don't know why. I was susceptible. #I was blindly accepting certain things that you said about me. Judgement that you had for me. #I was under severe stress from my job at the time; while at the same time dealing with unresolved emotional trauma and very low self worth. #I was burnt out. Crushed... Completely. #I didn't want attention. I did not want you to cure my depression. I though I was just letting you know me. I wasn't aware I was oversharin #I tried... SO HARD to get over the things that triggered me and hurt me but I just couldn't... #I wanted to. I did everything in my might; I took it to therapy; I looked everywhere within me; to either get over it #or completely forget about you and stop caring at all; so things were ok and normal again; but it didn't go away... #to this day... #I just feel so... unsafe... at the idea of talking again #I know I wasn't the best listener and I profoundly regret that. #I was not only thinking about myself like you said and I was aware of the effort that other's put; but I was afraid/resistant to PRECISELY #that cause of past events with other people. Because in some I was the one putting that effort and ended badly for me. Looking back #that was inappropiate of you because you felt too comfortable generalizing my past relationships and why in your head they failed. #“I cant help but feel you are looking down on people who” Stay away from me if you ever make a stretch like this again. #By “experiment” I meant that you don't know how a relatioship with somebody is gonna turn out until you go and try. That's all I meant. #I didn't want things to turn out this way. I'm sorry they did. #The effort I put for you may have been shit to you. But to me it was a lot. And I'm done taking judgement. #Altho I love my friends I still keep distance. I still can't completely help that. I can go months not talking to my BF. #You were my BF during my teenage years. I remembered you fondly. I still do. #I don't feel ready to talk again having to keep to myself interest that I might have. Related to trauma. I do not feel comfortable with tha #No I do not look at your blogs. #The day I said I was abused I had a panic attack right after that. That's mainly why I had to cut contact: I didn't want another one. #I didn't tell you because I didn't trust you to not say “talk to the void” again. I didn't trust you to want to hear about it. I didnt feel #safe with you anymore. Event tho we ressumed contact I felt that way the entire time. #I wanted to answer all the questions you had; I really did; until I couldn't stand it anymore. #And the day I removed you from discord... I know you probably had an awful day that day... I'm so; so sorry... #I'd like to one day be completely unbothered by assumptions and stuff cuz I know it's not your fault... You went through stuff too... #vent

[wickedhawtwexler]

oh my godddd if i do not hear back one way or another about this job before the weekend i will go INSANE

#they said they were gonna make a decision by end of day thursday!!! where is the decision babe!!! #i have been so anxious this entire week!!!! #i just bought a huge bottle of wine bc i have tried and failed all week to cope with this without Substances #i do not handle uncertainty well!!!!!! #if i don't hear back by monday i'm just gonna assume i didn't get it and start applying to other jobs #if i get ghosted i'll be sooooo pissed #like ghosting job candidates is bad 100% of the time but i think it'd be downright MEAN to do this to the four of us who are up for the job #we're all people who got laid off from this company and had this one hope of returning to normalcy dangled in front of us #we at least deserve a yes or no!!!! #i want the answer to be yes bc i don't want to have to do any more interviews lmao. and bc it's a safe & not too hard job #i would not be too upset with a no though bc i could make a lot more and have more job stability elsewhere #m.txt

[katierosefun]

my annoying trait is that after watching too many instagram reels, i’ll become convinced that i can pick up a hobby like. fuckign. woodworking. mixology. i just need to create something or i’ll go insane

#caroline talks #. . . . i am determined to learn how to make my own furniture one day #no clue when that's gonna happen #but i just saw someone on instagram reels be like '<333 i'm gonna build a kitchen island for my girlfriend <3333' #and i was just very obsessed #there are other people on instagram reels who do woodworking projects #there's this one guy who i can't remember #who was like 'my mom wanted a new desk! but it would cost 5000 bucks. so i made her one instead <333 grand total was 300 bucks' worth #of materials' #and i know that like. additional craftsmanship + time is money #so that probably at least partially justifies the 5k price tag #but still. the way i. yeah i think it would be cool #if i learned how to make my own kitchen islands and tables at least #even though i failed so hard at building even. fuckign legos

[itsahotminuteinbetween]

dude writing brief middle eastern culture descriptions in the most casual way possible has actually messed me up in the best way possible I have a history essay and looking at it there's no way I'm passing

#personal #random #bro half of my essay is just commentary and dry humour #I'm gonna fail and I'm actually going to enjoy it #cuz personally i think commentary makes it better #even though my teacher probably doesn't... #it's okay though cuz it just makes the essay 10 times more interesting #(sue if you see this im sorry it was a joke I actually enjoyed sharing fun facts I promise you you can ask anytime) #(this is just me venting my frustration) #(actually I might just delete this later cuz it's not that funny)