#I need to start seeing a therapist again

[floraleevee]

Reading books on ecology and conservation

#brought to you by: A Sand County Almanac turns 75 this year. #and: silent spring is over 60 #trying to read well-known books on my subject that’re meant for the public #(outside the scope of reading these in classes. which feels very different) #and I just. idk man. #I need to start seeing a therapist again

[maudiemoods]

I have a weak and sensitive heart

#i am the embodiment of emotion #ough #sometimes i wish i had a tougher heart #i feel grief so hard it makes me sick #and there is nothing to grieve? i just #get sad! im probably about to start my period or something AJDJWJMFKAJFJJEJSJ #this is how it normally goes AUGRJRFHJ #ren won't shut up #i should see a therapist again but honestly #im good 😎 ive been fine and dealing alright #its late!! i need to sleep! but i drank coffee ❤️ at 7pm ❤️ #explodes

[dreamwinged]

good morning everyone :( i am in a Funk really bad and i wanna say it’s school but i know it’s a bit deeper than that. i dunno what to do i just feel weird… i hope everyone is having a good day tho imy guys :’)

#.mei’s chatter ˚༘⋆ ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖ #yk when you wake up and you just feel like you haven’t slept at all #pretty sure i even dreamed abt my problems bc when i woke up they were instantly on my mind #it’s like this sick feeling #ik it’s a lot of stuff combined and the feelings r just manifesting thru smaller stuff but it still sucks so bad #idunno…. what if im not good enough for f/os and i should drop them all and let them Be Free.. #im just not feeling good abt myself i guess. i think im scared to go home tbh #one week til i go home… :( #then i have to get my wisdom teeth out and start my new job and see my friends again who bully me for fun #can’t wait……….. #im going to try to keep learning japanese hopefully that helps me yk #to have a hobby to throw myself into #i don’t know… i guess it’s a plus that i don’t have school again til august #maybe something good will happen in that time. maybe i’ll get better #maybe i need a therapist but aaaahhhh…… scary….. it’s harder now that im older and no one can make me go #i just am unsure that i can be fixed atp i don’t know if i can have a normal life or if i’ll just always be this way #hhhh…. i don’t want to go home at least here i feel somewhat happy

[themanwhowouldbefruit]

my doctor was sooooo fucking worthless and unhelpful im going to masturbate and i hope it fucking kills me

#“no need for follow up” #“yeah you did have several cysts we scrapped off your remaining ovary but. dw about it. idk why they were there. dw about it. oh also your #ovary on that side was freakishly huge but. dw about it. it might go away. dw about it #*doctor shrug emoji* “ #“go see a gyno next year maybe. but not me im too important for that. go find and onboard a gyno to your situation. next year maybe idk lol” #he barely even looked at my incision like #this fucking appointment could have been an email. or a phone call. or they just could have let me start driving again. also i forgot to ask #if i can stop drinking ensure now or after the 6 weeks? cause that shit cost $$$$. but he probably would have been super unhelpful if i had #fr fr this guy only wanted to give me the time of day when he thought i might have fun cancer inside and now he's like gtfo!!!! get your #fugly cancerless ass out of here!!!! recover from a major surgery on your own you swagless cancerless loser 🤣 we arent helping your #swagless ass!!! #anyway it seems weird and fucked up that im was never offered to see a physical therapist and i guess am going to have to blindly trust my #abs they sliced thru are healing or whatever and to rawdog my own physical recovery of my muscles? even just dumb shit like. my center of #gravity has drastically changed since the mass removal and my back hurts like shit all the time because all my posture muscles were built up #for when i had an extra 30 pounds of cyst hanging in the front and my posture and walking reflected that. and i lowkey don't know how #hard i am able to be with my healing incision because its really tight and makes me hunch forwards still. like i would really like to know #how much i can safely or maybe should be forcing my skin and incision to stretch. without damage? is that crazy #am i crazy??? #this shit is why i didnt see a doctor for 2 years until my problems had snowballed into a 30 pounds ovarian cyst that was crushing my other #organs and had one of my kidneys all backed up with piss. and even getting emergency treatment for it everyone was like. how did you like it #get this bad?? how could you not know you needed to seek medical treatment???? like. bro. seeking medical treatment isnt even a guarantee to #get medical treatment. #anyway he said my “remaining ovary seemed low key polycystic but dw about it. don't quote me on that im not dealing with it.” #bro i dont want to doctor google it i wanted an actual doctor to deal with it. fuck you. #like. maybe even a doctor who knows my situation so i dont have to struggle with getting someone to believe me and take me seriously. #but whatever. back to trying to figure out the daily protein and extra calories my body needs for recovery via doctor google i guess. #its fine 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬

[silenthillbunni]

📓🕯️🐇🖤

#just a little diary dump: #i've contacted my school therapist again. asked for help regarding anxiety abt schoolwork since i dont get any other treatment #she said she can help me go thru if there are other options since neither psychiatric nor healthcare center will help me #+ she said that she and i can talk abt my anxiety regarding school etc. so in two weeks i'll see her #school starts next week. 4days a week rip... lol thats much for me. a bum. a cellar dweller. i've decided that im gnna go to all my classes #and always work while im there since its harder for me to do it at home. and i will also talk more w my teacher nd ask them for help #then im looking into an online therapy service. it miiight be possible for me to do that. but then i have to contact them and focus on only #1 or 2 issues. in my experience it just doesnt work to go to them and be like everythings bad :(( they wont help u then. i have to narrow it #down for them. nd i'll think i will talk 2 them abt my extreme feelings of loneliness and also my procrastination behavior #but yeah i have no idea if it's possibly bc idk if i can get financial aid for that service. im still in contact w the healthcare center so #i hope she will come to some sort of conclusion nd not just leave my high nd dry (she sent another referral to the persobality disorder - #clinic. even if they rejected the first one. so i'll see) #hmmm yeah. the situation w my sisters is sooooo rough. i hate it. they make me feel so so bad #and the housing situation is roughhhh. it's impossible to get an apartment lol. #so i need to find a way to shut it off and try to not let it bother me #just focus on finishing upper secondary school. nd i've been thinking abt taking out a loan for it and take german/french/spanish classes #instead of doing what im doing now when im actually poor and stressed bc they can choose to cut me off anytime #im meeting my highschool friend on tuesday. she asked if i wanted to hang out for a bit c: #im a bit anxious but like yeah.. it's nice to get out and talk to someone besides my family. which is just my mom lol #i messaged my other old highschool classmate on insta and said i saw her in my neighborhood #she replied but i had lowkeyyy hoped for more... like maybe being able to befriend her T-T but she didnt seem so interested in talking to me #which is ok ofc. it just made me a bit sad bc idk how to make friends and i thought she was rlly nice. but oh well #im rlly sad atm. maybe heartbreak prob. even more sad bc it was my stupid fault but yeah #im still grateful for all that it gave me. nd how i got to experience feelings of warmth nd love nd appreciation i didnt know i could feel #so even if im just contantly heavily sad bc i keep being like oh. i wanna ask this. say that. wonder what theyre up to. etc etc. i just have #to... be sad and just keep going forward #hope and try to not fuck everything else up. even if it feels like... what do all the other things matter when what i rlly rlly wanted got #ruined..... thats life tho. i know. im just so bad at handling life :(( #i feel so broken and confused and i hate that i didnt get to be normal and healthy #im so illequipped at dealing w myself nd my emotions nd there seems to be no professional help for me

[aropride]

one thing i just do not fucking get is the difference between "regulating emotions" and "suppressing emotions" i cannot get my head around how those are different. like if im sad and then i go "well im not going to be sad anymore" that's "dissociating" and "suppressing healthy emotions" but if im sad and im like "well im going to cry until i actually pass out" that's "not healthy" and it's BAD to suppress emotions but it's ALSO BAD to get super upset so WHAT IS THE SECRET THIRD THING cuz i do not fucking get it. "feel your feelings But not that way that's not healthy feel your feelings but less than that" ???????

#text #IT'S DRIVING ME UP A WALL IVE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT FOR MOTNHS #LIKE????? is it like. like is this a me problem is this just me having feelings that are too big #like do other people just.. like for other people does 'feel your feelings' just mean like. feel sad for a while and then stop. cuz i cant #do that i dont get normal sad i get chest pain and think about killing my self for hours on end .is that the problem #like okay if i trip down the stairs and break my leg. im going to cry and go to the hospital. suppressing that would be just using my #broken leg anyway and ignoring it. would regulating it not also be Crying and going to the hospital. would regulating it be like.. putting #a bandaid on it or something is it like.. a middle ground . i do not fucking get it #like okay if i trip down the stairs and i scrape my knee and then i call an ambulance i see how thats not the right response . and i guess #regulating there would be like. calming down thinking things thru and choosing a less drastic solution like a bandaid. i get it #in that situation. but if ive ACTUALLY BROKEN MY LEG. then that would just be the first thing again essentially #but when i put that back into. real world not metaphor world. like. i dont get it again #because if theres not like. an obvious reason for however i feel how am i supposed to judge if im calling an ambulance for a scraped knee #ALSO I THOUGHT THERE 'ARENT ANY WRONG EMOTIONS' WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT -_- #okay no okay it's like. if i trip down the stairs and i skin my knee i dont have to call an ambulance. but if several times a day i fall d #down the stairs and skin my knee in that exact spot and now i can see bone. SHOULD I NOT CALL AN AMBULANCE? #cuz its not just one thing thats upsetting me most of the time it's a combination of a bunch of things and then like one extra upsetting #thing added on top of that. which would necessitate an ambulance. does this make sense #THIS IS GETTING ME NOWHERE IM STILL JUST AS CONFUSED AS I WAS BEFORE I STARTED TYPING. i need 2 remember 2 ask my therapist #what the fuck ''feel your feelings'' means and how it can coexist with ''regulating feelings'' or whatever cuz i feel like im missing smth #NIK OUT ! PEACE ! ✌️

[puppyboypatrick]

this is sick. why is frank beautiful. dni im nauseous

#dont actually not interact i love my silly mutuals #BUT IM SICK. THIS IS SO SICK HES BEAUTIFUL IM IN LOVE AND I ALSO HAVE A REALLY BAD STOMACHACE #i need to see my therapist again but i wont see her til i start school cuz thats when shes gonna start doing saturdays again

[quasieli]

I know meds sometimes take a while to kick in, like your body needs to get used to them and shit, but I'd really appreciate it if these new anxiety meds kicked in right about now. I'm vibrating and I really Don't Like It

#Eli Speaks #Med talk #ask to tag #i really want these meds to help #i need something that will help #cause i want to make my life better #but it's really hard to do when im frozen by anxiety #ive only been on them for 5 days #and was told it could take a few weeks to fully kick in #but im really close to my limit #i just wanna feel stable #cause then i can help myself feel good #but im not there yet #i have a drs appt tomorrow so im hoping she'll have something to say that can help #also i need to find a new therapist again #i started seeing someone new but im kinda :/ about him #he just isnt for me #esp cause like #i specifically started seeing him cause he said he practiced the same modality as my last therapist and it helped me out a lot #but then in our last session he said something that was entirely antithetical to that type of therapy #i was already a little meh about him but that just kinda sealed it for me #so #im trying #it's been really hard #but im not giving up #as tempting as it is #i want my life to be better #im just in a really shitty place rn #i hope things get better soon

[robinsnest2111]

if you show me even the tiniest scrap of respect and affection, I will get the strangest most confusing feelings for you (I want you to be my friend! my lover! my partner! my owner! my parental figure! my mentor! love me love me love me! please show me i am lovable! i will do anything! love me!) which will eventually lead me down a path of jealousy over you giving others similar attention, then intense self-flaggelation for feeling this way, and will finally result in me isolating myself for your and my own good because I cannot control my own feelings and feel bad and monstrous and inhuman about it <3

#looking back on a couple of friendships over the past 15 years of my life and am starting to see a pattern #actively trying to fight it whenever i get to meet new people. trying so hard to keep a normal distance and not lose my head #and trip over myself overestimating my place in others' lives. because i knowwwww it'll only get me hurt in the end #so safe moderate distance is fine for now #i don't wanna do this awkward mounting infatuation -> realisation -> selfhate -> isolation dance ever again. i hurt many people this way... #i don't even want to be in a romantic relationship!!!! i'm aroace as hell!!! but the NEED to be someone's EVERYTHING whenever i get attache #fucking insane as hell honestly. idek what you'd classify this as. maybe one day i'll tell a therapist about it. when i find one #this post is literally 13-18 years old me's internal monologue put into coherent words

[girlnikolai]

he makes me physically ill with his existence in the best way possible

#god i miss him so much it hurts #i want to hold onto him and never let go #being around him is painful sometimes only because i know im going to have to be without him again #i am in an episode #hashtag bee pee dee #my therapist is quitting i hope she feels bad bc mamacita is snapping #vvvvaaaannannnaayyayayay comr home. #starts bashing my head against the wall so hard i see spots. slash romantic #evwrythine ignore this #do u know that part in the beginners guide where its like i still love you you just make me feel cold inside. me about vanya and rowan pos #sorry i am full of love slash horrible neverendimg violence and misery #i need to be medicated #where are my fucking BOYS #vanya. rowan. serena. come home. #neon too i miiiiiiiiiisss you all. #i think the demons r winning #oh also that part in the beginners guide thats like. you cant talk yourself out of loneliness #yea. #i think im a bpd symptom holdeelr #im not oz i should clarify that but us when we r a system and function as one #'when i am around you i feel physically ill' my bb ouys. where are hthrhey. #im a little drunk if that is not obvious #killing anf murdering #ok goodnight ( it is 10 am )

[solarisposting]

screaming myself hoarse til I pass out we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you about your career your whereabouts!!!

#not about j we're good - about the friend who i haven't shut up about in the 14 years i've been on the hellsite #the fun part is that i know his forever career and his forever whereabouts and it will break my heart into shards for the rest of my life! #and goddamnit we weren't romantically together but instead together as part of a weirdly codependent friend group of four and we were #near identically weird and fucked up emotionally and in our humor and how we spoke and how we meshed and i will NEVER fucking get over it!! #i'm still agog that i sent you a last chance hail mary sort of letter like the lyrics in this song about how i think about you often and #have always believed in you and been rooting for you like all the rest of us who knew you before things got really bad because you were and #are such a fucking incredible person and musician and friend and so smart and creative and LOVABLE! i said that in the letter without #realizing alanis said that in one of THE best lost love songs of all goddamn time! #i wish i could tell you one more time - right now today immediately or better yet five years ago - how i have always loved and admired you #and everything about you. even now. all the way out here in iowa i am still loving you with everything i have in me every single day #knowing i will never speak to or see you again [i think about you all the time but i don't need the same] and i finally started to admit #that to myself and my friends and my therapist in 2021 and i'm more at peace with it than i ever was or thought i could be in 2019 and 2020 #but i know it's gonna take my whole lifetime to get a grip on it and accept it. and it'll stop hurting one of these days. i know it will #i don't think i've ever loved a friend as much as I loved you. i think you were the best friend i've ever had #and that's one of the nastiest parts of it - we were good friends and you did seem to like me plenty #but i think i was the w-h-auden_morelovingone.txt by a mile. i was a weird obsessed stage 10 clinger. #and that's surely a large part of the dwelling and the fixation. if things had been more equal then maybe it'd be very different now. #guess i'll die because i sure ain't finding out!! #HELLO LOVES HAVE SOME RICH NUTRITIOUS ANNIE LORE ON THIS FINE FREEZING COLD SUNDAY AFTERNOON! #ann with an ie #<- this was a nightmare to type out and feel but i wanna keep it around for whenever i get the balls to talk about it in therapy again

[whalechief]

so its no secret that i've been struggling mentally for a bit and this year really pushed me too far

i drew at most 2 drawings per month it seemed...and that was on the months i DID draw

there are a lot of factors that lead to my drop off in art, but 2024 i really want to make a come back if i can

thank you to everyone who's stuck around and was just THERE, even if it was just on my timeline, it still felt like i wasnt alone and that people would be understanding when i was ready to come back

fr thank you, i hope to have lots of fun and make many memories with everyone on my favorite hellsite, tumblr dot com :) see you in 2024 <3

#template by taxkha #yes im too lazy to use emoji extensions on desktop tonight #i think ever since my previous tablet died my new one just hasnt felt right and #my drawing computers win11 forced update actually destroyed most of my brushes and presets from years of saving up and most couldnt be save #that was a year or two ago and i still am struggling after but i need to be able to move on...and also fix my desk set up so i can actually #ykno...do work again alkdfjsdf i see the steps is what im saying and i see the steps and know how to go the right path to having fun again #art summary #art summary 2023 #lol i DID tell my therapist i wasnt drawing again tho so she's aware somethings up so we're gonna work on that starting next week #tl;dr im not ok but that doesnt mean i dont get to try to be ok again ^^

[lighthouseas]

i need to start getting off tumblr more and going outside (not right now though it's raining) this shit is starting to flare up my anxiety

#um. tw for discussing my undiagnosed mental health issues in the tags ? #but anyway it is to the point where i am sent into spirals over every little thing #and i think every thought i have is evidence of me being a horrible person and so then all of my thoughts start contradicting each other ? #it's really weird. #and then i panic and think i'm going to end up hurting someone by accident. or someone will see my thoughts and call me out #and yes i am aware these are all symptoms of ocd and that i need a therapist we just can't find one atm 👍 #but. anyway. i really kind of need a break from here because it's really warping my perception of reality #even blocking people who trigger these thoughts hasn't helped because then i feel guilty and scroll through their blogs again so i can #make sure i'm being morally sound. or. something i don't know but it sends me into spirals even MORE and i can't stop #anyway. idk if i will actually leave ? but just a general psa ig. #bee.txt

[pocket-size-cthulhu]

I have been without cognitive behavioral therapy for several months and it's starting to show

#in all reality though I'm actually not sure how to utilize a therapist #like do you just meet with them... forever? #or do you eventually 'graduate' from therapy #and only go back when things change enough that you're struggling again #i usually get therapy for a few months and then I feel fine for a while and it feels like I'm wasting time #but then if i quit i start needing it a few months later #i have also had a hard time finding a therapist that works for me #but that's another story #i quit my therapist 2 months ago after not seeing her more than once a month for a few months #and it's starting to get to me. idk

[born-to-lose]

There's so much wrong with me I'm going to kill myself

#this is the monthly suicide joke i deserve #once again i'm in desperate need of a therapist but for reasons i mentioned a while ago i won't get one #why do i always feel like i'm a burden for everybody close to me as soon as i tell them something personal no matter how much i trust them #i should really start going to sleep at 8 or 9 before the bad thoughts kick in #how do i stop being clingy? please i need actual advice in my dms before i actually go insane #the killing myself part is a joke but i can't guarantee i won't indulge in some self-destructive behaviour tonight #i got paracetamol a bottle of wine a knife and a lighter let's see where this goes #so much went wrong with me in my childhood and school years that at this point i'm a mentally ill piece of shit with lots of issues #mel talks #tw self harm #depressed bitch posting

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

if anyone needs me i will be rewatching trigun 98 and tristamp over and over until my brain explodes

#had a bad time in therapy today sigh #first time i cried in front of the new therapist wooooooooo #and we havent even started talking about the painful stuff yet. how tf am i gonna handle that #(spoiler: im not <3 we dont have to talk abt it if i never bring it up) #also being. slammed with nostalgia (/neg) and i cannot get rid of it and it fucking sucks #got a. bad taste in my mouth. from like. everything rn #anyway. if anyone needs me i will be bolting myself into a shitty tin can and sending myself to the bottom of the sea. #not to see the titanic bc im not dumb and full of hubris. but just like. in general #im down there now. i want to fucking explode #sorry bad joke <3 i wanna kms so bad. i wanna wake up tomorrow and be in a universe that is Not This One #aaughrggghrghr. im angry and j dont know what im angry at . i wanna. fling myself into space #so instead i will watch trigun and if i start posting about max in the next day or so well can you blame me. #i hope someone draws him for artfight. specifically. hes rlly cool #i have his page uploaded already but im sooooo bad at making descriptions #oh fuck i also learned how to fucking tag things on artfight now omg. i didnt know that was a thing. #how did i do three years of this shit and not TAG anything. what the fuck #anyway. wish i was a guy covered in blood rn. maybe i should watch hannibal instead #is it time to bring out ol reliable and watch the stab scene from mizumono on a loop again #and perhaps i will listen to sodikken misery meat and people eater. idk. spice it up a little #girls when they say they want to be held: screenshot of the way hannibal holds wills face before gutting him like a fish #im feeling rlly normal rn if you cant tell