#I literally recorded this months and months ago but forgot to post it

[zyanova]

"...I came from a planet called Autobot. Which is far away from here. To put it correctly, I'm an extraterrestrial being which is a transformation of a robot." Can we bring back really bad transformers dubs again please

#I literally recorded this months and months ago but forgot to post it #transformers #tf #maccadam #super god masterforce #metalhawk #haven't posted a scene from a show in a while! I have a couple other scenes from prime I wanted to rerecord so I'll try to eventually get #to those. #video #bad dub

[geeminz]

ᯓ A CHANGE OF HEART // giselle x oc ; smau

00 | as long as it's you

↳ in which: mihye has been secretly dating giselle, her best friend’s older sister, for four months. what happens when their relationship turns toxic, and their secrets become public?

word count: 1.7k

taglist: @thefckghost @emphobics @jisooftme @xszn

a.n. i was literally so nervous while posting this cuz im not too confident about the quality of the writing T^T but anyways yeah! here's the prologue guys 🥹

───────────────────────── flashback

───────────────────────── now

it’s now 9 in the evening, and mihye is tired of waiting.

she could no longer count the times giselle’s stood her up. she knows her girlfriend is busy — after all, she’s a junior in college. mihye’s well-aware of the fact that giselle’s coursework is much more demanding compared to hers. mihye tries her best to understand — she tries her best to be sweet, to not get mad or outwardly frustrated, but couldn’t she spare a minute for her girlfriend? can’t she just send her a tiny little message? or maybe even call her if she’s too busy to type?

giselle’s lack of communication gnaws at mihye’s heart like a persistent ache, a relentless throb that refuses to dull, no matter how hard she tries to ignore it.

she’s been forgetting a lot lately… how long until she forgets she has a girlfriend?

mihye wonders if normal relationships are like this — after all, love is all about giving and taking, right? it’s about adjustments, understanding. shortcomings are normal — but at this point, shortcomings from giselle are everyday. 

it wasn’t just the missed dates that mihye was frustrated about — it was the constant cycle of disappointment from all of giselle’s broken and hollow promises. mihye wonders if she’s done something wrong to make giselle act so… detached. 

frustrated, mihye sighs deeply. the side of her head crashlands on one of the throw pillows on the couch — while a plethora of emotions swirls inside her. right now, mihye’s stuck. 

should i text or call her?

mihye doesn’t want her girlfriend to think that she’s being too clingy — giselle has told her that before (even though giselle only said it indirectly, mihye isn’t dumb; she knows what giselle meant when she told her about how ‘they’ve been spending too much time together lately’ and that they’ll be ‘tired of each other at this point’). but what else can mihye do? she hasn’t seen giselle for the past three days.

three days too long, the girl thinks. i miss her so much.

a ding! sound popped from mihye’s phone, and mihye swears she’s never gotten up that fast before. reaching out for her phone, she checks out her girlfriend’s reply.

frustrated, mihye puts her phone back on the coffee table. it was violently buzzing from the endless stream of phone calls that giselle was spamming her with. 

mihye misses her girlfriend, for sure. but despite her desire to just crawl into her girlfriend’s arms and just forget everything else (just like how giselle forgot their own date), mihye also doesn’t want to listen to her poor excuses about how she didn’t forget — she just had a lot on her mind.

hearing those poorly thought out reasons over and over again was gradually draining mihye. not only did it wear her out, she was also hurt by giselle’s lack of a proper and valid explanation to justify her absence.

mihye glances at her buzzing phone once more. let me let her suffer a little, just this once. i’m too frustrated to listen to her right now.

mihye sighs, tired from the endless train of thoughts that looped inside her brain. she lets her phone ring — knowing very well that giselle will stop calling her soon. she always does. she listens to her ringtone as if it were a broken record playing again and again, and her empty pair of eyes stares at the rose petal-filled and candle-scented room she had set up two hours ago. with blank eyes, mihye observes her living room, her body stunned and her heart empty upon the realization that her best efforts to impress her girlfriend were all going to waste.

i really thought we’d get to spend a little time together today.

due to a force of habit, she subconsciously grabs one of the plushies near her — the one that giselle gifted her for their first monthsary — and mihye clutches it against her chest. her nose brushes against the fur of the plushie, and she smells giselle’s signature perfume on its surface. just like that, giselle invades her thoughts once more.

her phone, which was perched on top of the glass surface of her coffee table, stopped ringing after a minute or so. mihye could only lay like that in silence and in solitude, heart heavy, pained and empty. she must be tired now, mihye thinks. but after that thought, three notifications pinged at her phone.

mihye lazily reaches for her phone to check the notifications.

mihye’s eyes widen at the text, and before she could even register the texts and respond to giselle, a series of familiar knocks came from the front door.

mihye makes no sound to address the knocks, but she recognizes the voice coming from behind the door.

“hye, i know you’re in there. open the door for me, please?”

mihye doesn’t respond to giselle. she stays mum and stuck at her place.

“mihye, baby. please. let’s talk, love.” giselle pleads once more.

mihye slowly shuts her eyes in defeat. she knew she couldn’t resist giselle — she could never. it’s giselle, after all. and mihye loves her enough to get up from her sofa and walk towards the door to open it for her girlfriend, who was currently pleading for her on the other side of the door.

once the door was opened, mihye sees giselle, clad in all black, leaning on the frame of her doorway.

why does she have to be so goddamn pretty! 

with her big brown eyes, and pouty lips, giselle still looked breathtaking to mihye, even if she did make her cry multiple times before. right now, the older looked like a kicked puppy with the way that she was furrowing her eyebrows. giselle’s glossy eyes stared deeply into mihye’s, and just like that, mihye had no choice but to let giselle in her apartment.

mihye stretches her arm to open the door wider for giselle to enter the premises of her apartment. but instead of immediately going inside, the older girl pulls mihye into a tight embrace.

“baby,” giselle whispers, burying her head into mihye’s neck. “i am so sorry. i’m such an asshole.”

at least you’re self-aware, mihye says in her mind, but she stays quiet as giselle continues to hug her, grasping at her body as if mihye will disappear once giselle loosens her hold on mihye’s waist.

“i just had a lot of things on my mind, hye.”

tell me something you haven’t already told me, gi.

“and i was just so tired today, our prof is literally trying to kill us. i almost fell asleep the moment i got back to my condo.”

i’ve heard that one, too.

“i’m sorry, hye. please forgive me.”

when will you ever stop saying sorry?

“you know i love you, right? i love you, mihye. i’m sorry for fucking up.”

“...”

“hye? please talk to me.” giselle’s warm breath hits the skin of mihye’s neck. due to the closeness of their bodies, mihye could feel the quick thumping of her girlfriend’s heart. she could sense the quickness of giselle’s breathing; as if she just ran a marathon and is running out of breath. mihye could feel how tightly giselle has shut her eyes from the feeling of giselle’s long lashes against the surface of her neck.

she’s sorry — she always is.

and you always forgive her.

that’s how this goes.

mihye sighs, slowly giving in and reciprocating giselle’s hug. just like that, mihye feels the older girl’s heart rate increase tenfold, but after a few seconds, the girl relaxes in her arms.

“gi, let’s go inside first.” mihye suggests, but giselle doesn’t budge at all. 

“gi,” mihye calls out to her girlfriend again, and this time, she lightly taps the girl’s back to call her attention. “gi, let’s get in. someone might see you here.”

“so?” giselle replies, not wanting to interrupt the position they were in.

it is comfy, mihye tries to justify in her head.

“so… someone might see you. some of your blockmates are my neighbors on this floor, you know. they might get the wrong idea if… if they see us like this.”

giselle stays frozen for a few moments, before pulling her body away from her younger girlfriend. mihye looks at her, and deems giselle’s expression as unreadable. she neither looked happy nor sad — instead, she looks like she’s just been hit by a ton of bricks.

did i say something wrong?

the couple walk toward the living room together — giselle observed the place with the same unreadable expression. at this point, mihye couldn’t read her, she could only observe. despite everything, giselle was still careful so as to not step on the petal of roses sprawled around mihye’s floor.

when they got to mihye’s couch, they both stayed silent. mihye — truth be told, did not want to speak. she was far too tired to do so.

we may not be okay, but at least she’s here with me now.

no matter how disappointed i am.

it was giselle who broke the silence between them.

“hye… i’m sorry for putting you in this setup.”

mihye looks at her girlfriend with concern. giselle stares at her lap, unable to look her girlfriend in the eye.

“i’m sorry that i can’t publicly show how much i love you. i’m just not ready yet. i hope you understand that.”

mihye nods before responding. “i do, gi. i knew what i was getting myself into.”

mihye stays silent as giselle continues to rack around her thoughts to pick better words to tell her girlfriend.

“i just need more time, hye. please be patient for me.” giselle says, and mihye’s heart has no other choice but to accept what giselle gives her.

mihye has a lot of questions that she wanted to ask — gi, are we okay?

gi, why are you so confusing?

why are you so cold and sweet at the same time?

what happened to us? 

but as soon as giselle pulled mihye into her warm embrace, all of mihye’s questions and thoughts dissolved into nothing, as giselle’s tom ford perfume swoops into her sense of smells and floods her thoughts with how good her girlfriend smells. 

she's here. with me. and she does care. she's just been busy.

giselle loves me. and i love her.

turns out, no matter how disappointed mihye is in giselle — one word, one apology, one hug from giselle, and mihye’s melting into her touch again. 

as long as it’s her, i’ll endure the pain.

go to: masterlist | next

#⸻ a change of heart. #⸻ vice:aus #aespa giselle x reader #giselle angst #aespa giselle #giselle imagines #giselle x reader #aespa smau #aespa angst #aespa x reader #kpop smau #kpop wlw #kpop idol x reader

[jasminebelle096]

The Welcome Home website is back let's gooooooo!

Let's just say I didn't waste any time and immediately got into it. And I came back with some screenshots.

SPOILERS AHEAD GO LOOK AT THE WEBSITE BY YOURSELF BEFORE READING MORE

First of all, when I clicked on the link partycoffin posted, I got welcomed by our dear Home who looks so adorable!

Then our silly Wally with...strange little symbols I must say

But whatever, it's probably nothing, it's just to fit the Christmas theme.

Even though Christmas was like...3 months ago or something.

Then we have this:

Apparently, from what I understand by reading it, the people behind the website got rid of the little bugs that were roaming around. You know, the bugs who leads us to audio files when clicking on it.

That's funny because there's still this one small bug below which we can't still click on it for some reasons.

And why are they acting like it's Christmas although, once again, THREE months ago?

When checking on the neighborhood, there's more of the little symbols.

As well as one in Wally's canvas

(why does this one looks like the lamp from Aladdin?)

Apart from that, it's nice seeing all our neighbors again. I missed them not gonna lie.

I took a look at the stickers and the snowglobes are SO cute! You guys should see them.

Nothing changed about the guestbook, it's still closed

But hey, there's new audios! Some little songs and records. I absolutely ADORE the one with Howdy and his family! That's right, we got to meet Howdy's big family and it was so funny and adorable.

Poor Eddie who have to deal with Julie's recklessness, even though it's part of Sally's play. By the way, Sally is still an icon, I can assure you about that. Like:

Juliette, I fell from the sky, you fell from a house...Come on! Walk it off...

Girl, never change

And Frank who is just tired of this mess lol, as well as Home who is playing the reindeer?? I have no idea how it's possible and at some point I don't want to know.

Also, Julie can hibernate. I mean, yeah, I kind of forgot she's a rainbow monster, so it's not that surprising although still a bit for me.

Anyway, everything was normal I guess, except for the little symbols that were everywhere. So I went to the merchandise section and I came upon this:

Yeah, it's Crispy Sweets but Christmas. And there's a second image with it I'm gonna take a quick look-

Hold on

Hold on a second

Are those...the symbols that are scattered around the website?

Wait are you-

Are you TELLING ME

That those symbols are secret codes???

Upon discovering this, I tried to "de-coding" those symbols using the translator, but it didn't mean anything much. Like, it was just random letters and not words. I tried to use the letters in the website link to see if it could bring me to some secret dark page like the site is known for, but nothing.

I don't know about you, but there HAVE to be something with those codes. I can feel there's something in it but I can't tell what exactly.

Interesting thing, remember the Aladdin lamp? This symbol translate to the letter "W".

"W" for "Wally"...huh...

Well I guess Wally sure likes to mention himself huh, the little silly guy.

But wait, there's more.

I went to the News section and this is what it says:

From prying eyes

MMMMM NOW THAT IS A CHOICE OF WORDS DON'T YOU AGREE

Yeah they literally kicked poor Wally out of the website lol

I mean not gonna lie after the mess he did last time, especially with the stickers...

But then:

I don't know about you, but doesn't it sounds strange?

Like, how can you still assume we're in December while three months have passed? Like, how can you not realize it? How did you not notice that time have passed?

Common mistake or not, it's sure is strange. Are they okay?

Also here's this on the FAQ thing, I don't know if it was already there but I'm putting this just in case:

So yeah...that's all I could find.

Go look by yourself and see if there's more, like if I missed something. Not gonna lie, it's the first time I've felt so INVESTED like this lol

Anyway, good job @partycoffin and thank you for this update, rest well you deserve it

#welcome home update #welcome home

[sweetescapeartist]

A DBS MANGA CHAPTER 102 REVIEW. KINDA...

Some stuff about chapter 102 of the DBS manga I don't really like/I want to quickly discuss. Meant to post this last month but didn't. I'm behind on a lot of things.

All those folks saying True UI is Goku's strongest form... The upcoming chapter says otherwise. Goku uses the silver haired UI form & Beerus apparently views that as Goku at his strongest. Heck, Goku calls it his best move. Good job Toyo for creating True UI (black hair) and confusing fans to believe that was stronger than Mastered UI (silver hair) when in reality True UI is simply UI Sign (black hair) that changed how UI works so it matches more closer to how the anime depicted the technique. UI Omen in the anime allowed Goku to use his emotions, but the more control he has over them, the stronger he becomes until he transforms into Mastered UI. UI Sign in the manga was depicted as Goku needing to be emotionless & stated that emotions hinder the power. This was from the ToP Saga all the way until Toyotaro "created" True UI to function off of controlled emotions like how the DBS anime always has & gave it Omen the name "True Ultra Instinct." [Link to a long post that I paraphrased, so you ain't gotta read it unless you're really interested.]

I get tired of the same expressions in this Super Hero Saga. Its a pouty or surprised face accompanied with an oval shaped mouth. Toyotaro is overusing the hell out of that. Here's a compilation & I left out like 4 other panels with this same expression. (There's more in CH 103)

I saw ppl talking about the poses when Goku & Gohan fight look cool.... Looks pretty stiff imo. At least from what I've seen. Lacks a feel of movement. And you don't even see most of the fight. It doesn't make it cool imo. We've seen MUI in action against powerful opponents. If MUI Goku & Beast Gohan are close to equal strength, why not show actual combat between the two other than the aftermath of clashes? There was more attention to choreography with Gohan vs Trunks & Goten than there is with Gohan vs Goku. (Chapter 103 does better with the combat for Goku vs Gohan)

Toyotaro doing the "this form is called such & such" is weird for me. Seems like he's trying to hype up Western fans or something. Like when Goten & Trunks name Gohan's potential unleashed form "Ultimate." Its just dialogue for the sake of some sort of fanservice. Some ppl will like it, others wont. I just wasn't a fan of it. Feels like its placed here just for fanservice. If they called it ultimate & didn't draw too much attention to it, I would've prefered that. Its naming it but not stopping the narrative flow.

Also wasn't a fan of Goku asking Gohan is his new power was SSJ2 or SSJ3. Goku knows dang well Gohan's Potential Unleashed form is far stronger than SSJ2 & was stronger than SSJ3. He should've just asked "So, what's this form of yours?" and leave it there.

Some Vegeta fans are calling him a proud uncle when he smiles at Gohan & Goku about to spar. No, he is a Saiyan who is ready to see a good fight just as Broly smiled when he watched Goku & Vegeta fight. Is there some pride there? Yes. But Vegeta ain't no uncle figure to Gohan. That's Piccolo & Krillin.

Why are Carmine & Soldier 15 there on Beerus' planet? Goku could have just had his sons & Trunks put a hand on his shoulder then teleported. And why would Gohan see Carmine & 15 who shot at his home & at him, turn Beast out of anger, then hop into the same vehicle as them as if he forgot what happened in the last chapter? It was literally a few seconds ago.

This was just for them to record Goten & Trunks in their costumes (can they even keep up with how fast they are moving?) And it just seems like a plot device that won't matter at all. Anyone remember 7-3 in the Granolah Saga?was there for a moment & served no purpose other than a reference. I bet this with Carmine is for a simple joke to be quickly thrown aside.

#dbs manga #dbs #goku #gohan #dbz #db

[lastweeksshirttonight]

It was 95 degrees with 35% humidity today, my house feels like the inside of a blast furnace, and somehow I decided this was prime "watch and write about John" hours. So greetings from the surface of the sun, we've got more LWT to see!

Last Lee Tonight (wherein there is, theoretically, a universe where John Oliver is writing Tumblr reviews of Lee's topical news comedy) Season One, Episode Seven

(original air date: 6/15/2014) Major topics covered: US immigration reform, Washington Football Team Interview: Stephen Hawking

Trigger warning: racist iconography

"If you don't learn the recorder, you're fucked." "Seriously though, playing the recorder sets you up for life."

So uh, fun story. Remember how last week I said that the YouTube channel was finally starting to get the hang of things by episode six, aside from the occasional oddity of a one-minute clipped joke here and there?

The YouTube team didn't upload the main story from this episode to the LWT channel. At all.

We're still in prime "figuring this shit out" mode! Strap in!

That's consistent across the entire episode. After the last episode, which saw the show starting to coalesce into its modern form, this episode seems to go back to the drawing board and toss all kinds of shit at the wall to see what sticks - it's honestly most reminiscent of episode one. The opening segments are lightning-fast and don't transition into each other well, the central topic doesn't go nearly as deep as you'd expect it, and there's a random (but amazing) interview at the end of the show. I wonder if the next episode will swing the pendulum in the opposite direction again.

John starts our episode banging and then punching the desk, going in the opposite direction from our last episode. He seems to be taking out his rage on the glass countertop, which he looks very silly doing.

We begin by revisiting net neutrality, from Episode Five. (I'm linking it because I wrote this months ago, and if your executive dysfunction is anything like mine, you totally forgot everything about the episode.) In that episode, John described Tom Wheeler as a dingo, and somehow Tom Wheeler was asked about the LWT episode in a FCC meeting. He speaks like a literal robot and refutes, in the weirdest way possible, the idea that he's a dingo. How is that the thing you focus on from that whole segment. How. What? Christ.

The unsaid caption "Satire is not C-SPAN, however." goes without comment, which is unbelievable to me. That phrase cracked me up so hard I had to pause the episode. I know there was a rich vein of missing the point entirely and subsequent dingo humour to mine here, but come on John, that caption is a gift.

We then move to Iraq, where ISIS forces crossed nearly the entire country in five days and stole $400 million dollars. This bit only goes for about a minute before we move to another topic, Obama visiting the Standing Rock Sioux reservation and pledging aid. We finally then transition into a discussion of the Washington Football Team, who, at the time, were still refusing to change their goddamn racist name and iconography, which I will not be using here. (I did learn from writing this that apparently they have rebranded - FINALLY - as the Washington Commanders in 2022, after two seasons of being Washington Football Team.)

I appreciate how John lets an extremely sincere and powerful commercial made by Native Americans regarding the offensive name largely speak for itself, aside from one dark joke at the end, before discussing what an abject shitwhistle former Washington Football Team owner Dan Snyder is and how pathetic his protestations are.

It did take a while, but Snyder was ousted from his ownership post of the team in 2021 after a massive expose of sexual harassment under his watch was released in 2020. He's been mired in investigations over financial conduct, fraud, and deceptive business practices as well, to which I can only say "good".

The night's main topic, which has no YouTube video anywhere (I'm sorry), is immigration. John says he has a vested interest in the topic and the audience laughs, which is funny-weird because it doesn't seem like John is trying to humorously highlight his insider nature here. The real focus here is the debate over immigration reforms, as the system is (and remains) very broken and anti-immigrant sentiment is high all over the world.

I do wish this clip was on YouTube. It's not the most informative piece on immigration, but is a nice window into how much John loved this country prior to the beginning of its full collapse. This definitely takes much more from The Daily Show mold, being a comedic monologue interspersed with news clips that allow John to riff on the state of immigration, as opposed to later LWT immigration segments, which tend to be exceptionally sobering. This one is comparatively light-hearted and surface-level, and John delivers the material with a very comfortable confidence. I don't think the segment itself is a standout, but I really like John's attitude here.

We technically get our first animal-fucking joke during this segment, which is about bears only fucking face to face and stops John cold as he helplessly giggles over it. One step closer to getting all the running jokes in order!

Somehow, the end of this with the animated Actual American Tale video is on YouTube, so please enjoy one of the most depressing things LWT has ever put together. It's genuinely far more distressing than the actual main topic segment.

The episode ends with the only appearance of "recurring segment" Great Minds: People Who Think Good, where John interviews Stephen Hawking. Interestingly, I was listening to a podcast today (gonna likely make a separate post on it) where John talked about how much he loved interviewing Hawking and how he wanted to showcase the man's wit and humour more than his intelligence. I think that the interview is incredibly successful in that regard.

I adore this interview so much. Never have I had so much fun watching John get totally roasted.

Random notes:

Lee is a very predictable man corner: today we get a black suit jacket with lavender shirt and dark purple tie, which is a great look, 9/10. The only thing keeping it from being a 10 is that it's missing an element of boldness. Maybe a deep purple jacket or a shinier tie?

Lee continues being predictable in a second bullet point: the interview outfit is a black suit jacket with a light-blue and white checkered shirt and black tie. Definitely a pedestrian but still solid look and I still love the baby blue on John, so I give this 7/10.

Please stop making me talk about American football in these, John, I beg you.

"I lost my virginity to the sound of a man ranting about Bulgarians." This is so far the best line of early LWT, I will bear no other arguments.

There are no random 1 minute YouTube clips of isolated jokes this episode! 🎊

Once an episode, someone from the past 20 years of American political culture pops up that I've completely forgotten about and am upset to be reminded of. This week, it's Michele Bachmann, who I refuse to look up to see what she's doing now. You cannot make me think more about Michele fucking Bachmann.

There is an extended interview with Stephen Hawking that adds a few nice bits, like John asking Stephen a meandering hypothetical about him being a drug lord with inconsistent staff.

#john oliver #last week tonight #last week tonight with john oliver #stephen hawking #last lee tonight #Youtube

[i-dont-want-your-hysteria]

Diamond Star Halos Track-By-Track Important Points:

Joe: "I got this tattoo of a girl sittin' on the moon" you sure do ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

the flaming finger being for This Guitar (I kinda figured)

U Rok Mi isn't about a person it's about the feeling of inspiration

they're talking about all the imagery AND I MADE A POST DECIPHERING THIS MONTHS AGO AND I WAS. RIGHT. ABOUT. ALL OF THEM.

it's prerecorded but joe keeps laughing TPTPPGGABHBDE

Joe calling the album a "BITCH to autograph" bc of all the artwork

the quality of their interviews are SOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO GOOOD *chefs kiss* I WASN'T EXPECTING THIS TO BE THIS PROFESSIONAL LOOKING

Sav songs have L A Y E R S

PHIL BEARD PHIL BEARD PHIL BEARD SANTA PHIL

i cannot. stop. looking. at. Joe's. gorgeous. face. I could do this all night. I mean it.

i forgot Kick was the last thing made for the album GIROTGMTIMOT

where tf is Rick

Joe can't read Phil's handwriting LMAOOO

the random eye contact with the cameras keeps making my heart stop rtgonisrogotgstrg

i CAN'T STOP SMILINGGG

SAV'S HAIR IN HIS RESPONSE TO THE 4 OR 5 STRINGS QUESTION OH MY GODDDD SO CURLY AND SLEEK

Joe said the words "Panic! At the Disco" and I never. ever thought I'd hear him say those words

DSH is Phil song heaven and I think that's why I love it so much

Joe having SO MUCH TROUBLE SINGING FIRE IT UP

so glad joe being stubborn about This Guitar for nearly 20 years paid off

Viv: I think we know how to make records now-?

VIV PLAYING SLIDE GUITAR AND BEING LIKE EEEEEEEEEE

JOE LOOKING AT THE CAMERA TALKING ABOUT HOW HE TALKS TO ROBERT PLANT AND WIGGLES HIS EYEBROWS WIERFNOEQIRNGFQRIONG

SOS Emergency was one of the first songs written for DSH

"Phil, WHAT is liquid dust?" "it's US!!!"

Phil's children getting ukuleles

THE FLASHBACK TO JULY 2019 AWWWWWW

phil teaching himself ukulele off youtube

joe is always so enthusiastic i wanna just giddily nerd out with him he looks like he needs someone to reciprocate his giddiness

seriously WHERE IS RICK

joe: "we sing 'meh'"

THE OLD CLIP OF JOE AT THE PIANO

both sav and viv play piano???? I knew sav but VIV???

"ohhhh ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) what about mike garson ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)"

i see joe's silver chest hair peekin' out ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

joe wrote the lyric over the course of 3-4 days while he was picking up Finlay from his home-school lessons at someone else's house ;O;

"the lyrics aren't always as dumb as people think" -joe

viv doing the outro vocals of All We Need ;O;

I've come to the conclusion we don't get to see Rick at all in this

hearing all this makes me so happy i have a tattoo for this album uwu

I can't wait for Gimme a Kiss aka the Slut Song

P L E A S E TOUR WITH THE STRUTS I AM LITERALLY BEGGING

"We just wanted a smash-you-in-the-face song" -phil (smash you in the face, huh ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

this whole experience of recording DSH sounds like them having a sleepover

joe calling Gimme a Kiss "playful" and "fun" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) is that what he calls it?

seriously. i can't STOP looking at joe's silver chest hair 👁👄👁

viv saying "Elton Joe" and I can't believe I didn't think of that first bc one of the first things I thought of Goodbye for Good This Time was that Elton should cover it

there is def Elton influence on this album and that's prob another reason why I love it so much

THEY REALLY ARE TALKING WITH THEIR HANDS THEY'RE SO PASSIONATE ABOUT IT AWWWW IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY TO SEE THEM SO HAPPY

joe wanting to punch his 22 year old self in the face bc of him making melodies so high to sing

joe: *talking about how Lifeless was just a generic heartbreak thing at that it wasn't inspired by anyone hurting him*

me:

this is really Phil and Joe PowerHour huh (not complaining)

viv did the solo on Unbreakable catch me loving it even more

i stg they don't even MENTION Rick once

"making From Here to Eternity was like giving birth to an elephant" -sav

sav calling it one of the oldest songs on the album

From Here to Eternity being about a love triangle where a man kills his lover's mistress

joe actually using the phrase "murder ballad"

viv calling From Here to Eternity a sav song "in case you can't tell- bc it's got that dramatic vibe to it"

viv's solo in From Here to Eternity being placed in the wrong spot but viv liking it better (and so do I)

they need to make a music video for FHTE in black and white as a film noir change my mind

#def leppard #diamond star halos #joe elliott #rick savage #phil collen #vivian campbell #rick allen #also rachel's gonna start ripping it now so those who want it- we're working on it

[magitekhearted]

//Okay, now that I'm home again, it's story time! (Personal information under the Read More, and a lengthy explanation behind Why The Fuck My Moods, Emotions, And Brain In General Are Literally All Over The Place)

Did you know that hormonal birth control and Adderall don’t interact well? I sure didn’t! 8D As I’ve mentioned in another post, I have Bipolar II, ADHD, and other issues. For this story, the Bipolar II and ADHD are the important ones.

I was seeing a particular psychiatrist for the last six or seven years, but until this last year, I never considered I might have ADHD, even though all of the signs now and in the past fit like a glove. However, that psychiatrist didn’t believe that adults could have it -- he believed that you “outgrow” it. So I had to jump through hoops to get tested elsewhere.

I was officially diagnosed with it, which is great, because that means I know what I’m working with! But when I brought it up to my psychiatrist, he refused to acknowledge the diagnosis. He also refused to put in my files that my PCP went ahead and started me on Adderall, but was kind enough to, every time I spoke to him for sessions after that, harp about how he disapproved, and how if it had been him, he never would have put me on the medication. I reached a point of accepting that we’d never see eye-to-eye on this matter, started just mentally rolling my eyes at him when he would start up, and admittedly kind of forgot that he refused to put anything at all about it in my records.

Aforementioned psychiatrist retired a few months back, so I was given a new psychiatrist, and all was well, or so I thought.

Fast-forward to the end of last month, I finally saw a gynecologist about excessively heavy bleeding during my monthly cycles, and about the fact that in the days before my period starts, I get extreme mood swings. We decided to give birth control a try, see if that would help with both issues at the same time.

Now, ordinarily my default state of being is low-energy, and I lean much more in the “depressed” direction when it comes to my moods. Two weeks ago at this point, I started on the birth control. Within two days, my mood did a complete 180; I went completely and utterly manic. It was simultaneously awesome, annoying/frustrating, and terrifying, because holy shit I felt amazing, but I was making impulse decisions out the ass(like for example spending $140 on replacement chords, games, and controllers for the Wii. Please keep in mind I had not touched my Wii in very nearly a decade, and I didn’t even know if the thing still worked) and in general I was a total wreck. It was Not Good.

I called the doctor about it, assuming it was the birth control, and after some back-and-forth between myself, her, and the new psychiatrist, we were left very confused as to what was going on -- because birth control shouldn’t have that drastic of an impact on my moods. Not like this, anyway.

It was only when my new psychiatrist was updating my file with the birth control information that I offhandedly mentioned I was also on Adderall, and she just. Had this amazing “AHA” moment on the phone with me, revealing that now she understood: it was the Adderall and the birth control causing the mania, since Adderall is... well, a stimulant.

So I’m off the birth control, my gynecologist has prescribed me an alternate medication, and now I am waiting (im)patiently for the med to finally kick it from my system so that I can return to being a semi-functioning human being.

Tl;dr, I am so sorry to everyone who’s stuck dealing with me OOCly lately. 8′D Please don’t let my current inability to Shut Up For Two Seconds deceive you, I actually have all the confidence and boldness of a sad, soggy, limp noodle.

#Out of the Field #And now you know my deep dark secret

[zxvtrpnljhfdb]

I fucked up BIG

I had my usual rant all prepared for the afternoon when I fatfingered it. I hadn't blocked my ex on my main account so that they could communicate with me about their dog, who's staying in the apartment while they're out on their....... whatever staycation.

The detective was supposed to be by tomorrow, but they were able to come out after I got off work. So they served my ex with the warrant for the computer, but I don't think they were necessarily able to get a warrant for the hard-drive, which my ex took with fOr SoMe MySteRiOuS rEaSOn.

Anyway, just before they came through, my ex had stopped by to get the dog. They forgot their keys??? I've never seen them forget their keys. I just gave them the leash, dog attached, and the dog did the rest.

Finally, about an hour ago, their new plaything brought the dog back. She is seriously sick. I hope it's not contagious.

Anyway, so my dumb ass was all crowing about how amazing my life has become--I have a stable employer, I've had a really stable living condition. I don't think my partner necessarily meant to give me that self-esteem boost, but I deserve it. We have had money to pay rent every single month. And in large part, I owe that to myself. Now, there were a few months where she did carry us herself. She does deserve that little credit. Those few months were awesome. This place was so fucking clean. There were even a few months where we both worked. Not at all sure where the fuck all that money went to.

I was also stupidly, stupidly crowing about how the fertility situation was actually good, I'm just concerned that the sperm was bunk.

Then, like I mentioned, I mentioned the cops coming to literally solve our dispute over the computer. It was mostly coincidence that she was apparently coming back, keys in hand, to supposedly return the dog, and she ran into the cops.

I put all my fucking cards out there in this stupid blog post. I can't fucking believe she got it open or up so fucking quick. All I can fucking hope is she navigated away from it before she could record it. But that's a slim hope.

I have been so fucking sleep deprived this week. I'm really happy between the depression and my hormones, things are going better for me physically, because otherwise these last few weeks, I'm not sure how I would have been able to handle things. In the about hour between the time they called to say they were on their way, and the time they arrived, I actually passed the fuck out and I was so fucking groggy when they got here.

The camera gal took pictures of e v e r y t h i n g. And I am not even remotely proud of how this place looks, it is abso-fuckin-lutely trashed. It is so embarrassing. It's still gonna be a dump when I'm fully out.

I filed a TRO. Between this and the CSAM issue..........I see soooooooooo many hours in court in my future.........

That my ex finally blocked me is of truly cold comfort. It is not that hard to make up new accounts to keep an eye on people. Even if I cut and dyed my hair and posted a whole entire thing about a negative pregnancy test, I've shown that I can apparently lie pretty goddamn well when I feel unsafe. Or, sorry, apparently, according to my ex, I don't feel unsafe. I'm making it up for attention.

False, but, potayto potahto, right? I have plenty of reasons to feel unsafe around my ex. I'm no longer of any value to them with someone more malleable and with more money around. They've pointed a gun at me so many times, but like hahaha like funny don't be so serious take a joke. Her first response when ending it was to clear out the bank account of my money. Money that I earned. Money that was supposed to go to rent and utilities for the person who earned it. Instead, she high-rolled her fucking vacation with it. But oh, I guess she really needed it more than I do.

So yeah, this high likelihood of pregnancy could turn out to just be really good evidence that the engines just need some actually functional sperm and she still wouldn't believe me. I wouldn't be safe.

So I at least need a restraining order.

Anyway, I need sleep. With this level of stress, I probably am going to have to try again later. With all the fucking harassing and lying and bullying, I wouldn't be surprised if it did get fertilized but my uterus was just like, nope! My eyes are struggling to focus so I'm out

[heidilies]

The Live Shooter Situation

You geotag your tweets, Heidi. We know where you tweet from. We know which hospital you work at.

You very clearly work at the St. Vincent INFIRMARY in Little Rock.

So weird that you have to wake up four hours early to get there when you live only 41 minutes away. Call it an hour. So an hour to get there, maybe an hour to get ready with breakfast, any shower, but what about those other two hours? Don't say you're using/spending them with your kid because there is no way your then eight-year-old was waking up pre-6:00 for literally no reason.

Ah yes. The tweet that reminds us that you need to milk every fucking situation you possibly can. Your tweet from Little Rock saying that you're in an "active shooter" situation. What a great chance for you to get some sympathy and clout.

One of your followers kindly even linked the news article to the....wait a minute. It says here that the shooting incident, which for the record was not an "active shooter" event, which makes it seem like it was a mass shooting, but a man went to a hospital and shot a patient. One person was shot; the target. You were never in danger. Know how else I know you were never in danger?

You were 11 miles away. Your tweets always had very specific location information, so while Sherwood is considered a LR suburb, if you were in Sherwood, you would have said so.

You didn't though. The shooting took place at a hospital in the family of hospitals you work for, but not the one you work at.

This article called the shooting "an isolated event that just happened to take place in a public facility" and said that the hospital at which the situation occured was CHI St. Vincent North in Sherwood. You work at CHI St. Vincent Infirmary in Little Rock. Did you just think no one would notice?

Another article about the shooting, too.

After the shooting, which happened September 28, 2002, you literally never mentioned it again save for some vague posts about the hospital not offering you therapy, which they WOULD provide to the workers who were actually present and suffered distress. You ended up finishing up your shift and then didn't bring it up again.

In fact, about a month after this traumatizing event, you were complaining about your job when someone brought up the shooting.

Which, you know, is a totally normal and real thing that people who have actually been in shooter situations do. "Almost forgot" about a seriously horrifying event that happened a month ago. Sure.

So we don't think you were even at the hospital that had this shooting incident. You simply rode the news and tried to convince everyone you were the victim, yet again, so we should feel sorry for you.

Well, earlier this year there was an actual active shooter event at a bank which resulted in people dying. Your most recent account edge-quoted news of the tragedy as per, however, you must have gone from "almost" forgetting to completely forgetting because you mocked bankers, and didn't say shit about the victims. Again, NOT something someone who was actually in a shooter situation like you claimed to, would say.

Whatever, though.

#Heidi_seidr #twitter #2022 #2023 #shooting #heidilore76 #lies

[jestre]

Physically ahead, Mentally behind

Something I wanted to share is a different perspective on how I've been looking at my life because it felt borderline poetic.

I've recently been in what feels like a pretty mixed state of being. I have been mentally catching up, emotionally, on my own for the most part where it's like reprocessing different points from my life while in a safe environment. A big part of it has been accepting how I function rather than denying every part of me. I never wanted this on myself, but I didn't choose for my brain to be built how it is. I accept my "character sheet(s)" and learn while using my best judgement, but I still need to keep accepting any mistakes that I will learn from.

Expressing mental information from point A to point B still continues to be a challenge because I kept having to change what I said in an old environment. Thus I'm doing what sounds like a crazy mental review among my headspace that is a team of various selves because dissociation to the point of other identities is how I survived different points in my life, but I forgot I originally did it like I was pretending in order to get out of an emotionally charged situation mostly unscathed, or so I thought.

That being said, I don't think it will be for a while where I accept being considered plural or a system, while accepting that having a Dissociative Disorder that I can recognize literal personalities in myself that weren't just acting.

So, it's mostly been a lot of mental sorting to catch up with where I mentally checked out 10 years ago that killed any and all motivation unless self forced to output content during this overall time. What oddly helped was holding on to the bare minimum of what I could do and try to keep doing it better each day.

Somehow, my voice acting was better than I could notice when I was doing it, despite how mentally numb I was for my 20's. I went back to recordings in months and was surprised at how well I was still able to "physically" still put something out that gave a weird sense of self-aspiration. That led to me very slowly getting a creative motive back in a way that didn't feel forced, but I still needed to accept that even a little bit of something still mattered because it was something. Hard as fuck, but self-assurance is worth its weight in platinum.

Among some friends, we did a presentation of our creative projects for what they were and how they're coming along. It gave me a chance to finally condense what I've been writing on and off for the past few years for my comic to be posted at @quan-t-m. Still had nerves going, but being able to share what I had from my personal effort alone felt like an accomplishment.

On the physical side, at my last job, I ended up mostly doing machine coolant maintenance with documentation to help that company's quantity and budget for buying coolant. I was the main author of the document, but the past 2 months had been just adjusting coolant levels for manufacturing machines with few instances of machining any parts.

I had an interview with another company, even though I was 4 months from my 1 year anniversary at my last place, which also became a good place to go to with respect and a great team, but I got the job at the new place with better pay and communication between members of the company. Here's the kicker:

I'm now in my first management position at the beginning of a newer company formed from grassroots funding. I'm 32.

I think I just got mental whiplash after healing from a bad one, but it's a good surprise I feel I can handle.

[awakeshedreams]

sugar and spice ( 1 )

pairing : resident bad boy!jjk x model student!reader

setting : highschool!au x stepbrother!au

summary :

a messy highschool!au x stepbrother!au where model student reader who has quite a few dirty little secrets sees her world take an unexpected turn when her mother comes home one day with an engagement announcement, to the father of none other than the school's resident bad boy.... Jeon Jungkook.

genre : smut, for laughs, kinda pornish, slow burn with collosaly overwhelming sexual tension

rating: soft m ( for now ) due to adult content

warnings : unconventional relationship of sexual nature, tropes and clichès, teenagers partaking in porn-esque activities, made up things with made up people happening in a made up world, don't like don't read XD

wordcount : 2.3K

a/n : i've been fighting in a long standing war and I have lost. the man known as jeon jungkook had his foot on my neck for years and today, I have finally submitted to my fate and surrendered to his reign.

yes. after a hundred years, i'm writing again. specifically, writing for bts. particularly, writing for jungkook. its been a long time coming.

life just took over and I transitioned into an adult and kind of grew out of the state of mind I was in before. but. sigh. jeon jungkook has been tormenting me the whole time. it was only a matter of time before i relapsed honestly.

so here I am again. in mind, body and spirit, a different person from who I was before but still the same in the sense that with the way bts have my whole heart, jk will always be the demon in the corner of my room that I invite to bed for a cuddle even though it's (probably really) not good for me.

do not misconstrue. I love him more than I can say. but. sigh. he has me in a chokehold, loves. please try to understand where I'm coming from.

anyways, enough with this ranting. you all came here for the nitty gritty so let me not hold you hostage with my dilemma rambling any longer. here's to the first bts fic i've posted in literal years. introducing- sugar and spice.

1 2

Unless they told someone, no one would have been able to guess it.

At school they were complete strangers.

She was the nice head girl with a clean record, all smiles and straight A’s. He was the mysterious bad boy with a track record, all tatted up with bruised knuckles.

She wore plaid skirts with neat pleads in them and pastel sweaters with bows at the collar. He wore jeans with rips in them and leather jackets with studs.

They couldn't have been any more different.

As far as anyone was concerned, they existed on two extreme ends of a vast spectrum.

What they didn't know was that they shared a dirty little secret.

.

You were a girl with many dirty secrets.

For instance, you used to sell nudes online. It was a side hustle you did.

Not because you needed money.

Your mom was a renowned doctor so there was more than enough of that in your life.

Not because you needed validation from people online either.

Even without the constant compliments and the praises you knew you were visually blessed with a pretty face and a nice body too.

All things considered, you simply thought you had a nice pair of tits and you took pictures of them sometimes.

Posting the shots you snapped online came much later when you heard about this website where people were getting paid crazy money for posting racy things.

‘It’s just so degrading…’ It was one of your friends, June, who sneered, pretty nose scrunched up. She fixed her long ponytail and rolled her brown eyes while looking in the mirror at her locker. ‘Who would do such a thing, am I right?’

She said this, but June was the girl who has slept with more boys than she could count on her two hands. And those were the ones she told you about.

Like every other time, you said nothing. Even when it carried on to lunch with the rest.

‘Pretty desperate if you ask me.’ Mei the stellar track runner shrugged casually as she stretched her limbs like routine.

‘Where are their parents?’ Nina the library nerd shook her head in disapproval as she fixed her glasses so it sat right on the bridge of her nose.

‘Um… I don’t think it’s … appropriate… to talk about ….’ Kiko the one who always carried a cross and bible around mumbled into her sleeve.

All your friends spoke of it in derision and repulsion of course. This was a school for proper children so they were proper girls. At least they were supposed to be.

Regardless the conversation sparked a curiosity in you.

So you made an account and uploaded your first picture. Nothing bizarre. Just your tits in a pretty lace bra.

You made sure to keep your face out of the frame because that was the smart thing to do and you were nothing if not the smartest student in school.

In all honesty, you weren’t expecting anything out of it. In fact, in between work with student council and tutoring your juniors with finals right around the corner, you even forgot about it for an entire month.

It was by a complete whim that you decided to open the app while you’d been unwinding at your desk following a tedious day at school.

To say you were amused by the response you found waiting for you would have be a grave understatement.

You were staring at the four figure digit that now sat in your bank account.

Reading through the comment section was even more interesting.

There were all sorts of people there who had all sorts of things to say. Ranging from honestly sweet to downright dirty.

You had never been brought to tears laughing in her life before until then.

It was just so funny to see people misbehave and lose their minds over a pair of tits.

From then on it just sort of became a thing.

.

But that wasn't the worse of your secrets.

You were making a name for yourself on the crude web months later.

The next step was naturally to move from making taking pictures to making videos. Since you was already in too deep you didn’t see why not.

So you upgraded and opened another account. An amateur one where your touched yourself for an audience.

You were no prude.

You might have never been touched by a boy before but you had touched yourself plenty times. Stress and frustration came hand in hand with being head girl. Since you couldn’t quite vent it out at the annoying troublemakers at school, this was your second best option.

Third was watching porn, but that was mostly when you were extremely bored.

But that wasn’t where that little endeavor ended.

Later on it became a lot more risqué.

.

It all started when your mom hit you with a marriage announcement.

She met a guy on her business trip who she really liked and she was convinced he was the one.

Your mom had a tragic history of being a bad judge of character.

You’ve had this conversation at least five times since you became old enough to understand that boys and girls who were just friends didn’t kiss and sleep with each other.

Most times, it felt like she was doing it because she thought you needed a dad around.

You might have once, when you were younger and your mom was too busy with work to be there. But she worked from home these days and you were soo busy with school to worry about things like that.

This time it was like she was doing it for her. You were glad.

Your mom looked genuinely happy when she spoke about this guy.

Who were you to get in the way?

.

She spent almost the whole weekend in the kitchen. It was the longest you’ve seen her in there in your entire life.

She was excited for the dinner on Sunday.

Mr Jeon was the name of the chosen man.

He was coming over with his kid. A son, his only family. His wife passed away years ago.

You wore the dress your mom picked out for you, something cream in color and off the shoulders that brushed your knees. She looked pretty in her champagne dress. It was different from the office slacks and loose blouses you were used to seeing her in.

You stood by her at the door while the guests came through.

Lifting your head from a polite bow, you found herself staring straight into an achingly familiar pair of glinting dark eyes and went completely still.

‘Sweetie,' Your mother said sounding delighted, a soft hand on your stiff shoulder. 'This is Mr Jeon and his son Jungkook.’

Ah. Fuck.

‘Jeon dear, this is my daughter. Isn’t she lovely?’

.

Dinner was a mild affair, with small talk and the occasional clinking of cutlery on fine china.

From the outside looking in, you probably looked the picture perfect family already.

Only if no-one looked close enough.

Arms crossed, tongue in cheek. Your discomfort could be detected from miles away.

The two adults were oblivious.

The dark eyed boy with the slightest wave to his nape touching, brow grazing, ear covering onyx hair sat across you though; he took note of this with a passing glance and wordlessly returned to his food.

Jeon Jungkook had a countenance that betrayed his reputation.

Even though you’ve never talked, you knew plenty about him and you were sure he knew a lot about you too.

You went to the same school.

Dressed as he was in a crisp white dress shirt buttoned at the wrist and dark tailored pants with a fine belt on, it might have been hard to tell what kind of person he really was.

You lifted her gaze from your plate to look study him wordlessly, idly twisting the noodles with your fork.

People either called him the black sheep or the dark cloud but for you, Jeon Jungkook was the school’s resident lone wolf.

He smoked in the secluded areas on campus, sometimes playing his guitar. Beat up people who got on his nerves, sometimes using his guitar. Slept in class the rare times he was there, many times on his guitar.

Being his senior, you had never seen any of any of that for yourself. But you received plenty reports weekly to come to a sound conclusion.

There was no way people hated him enough to join hands in solidarity and make this all up.

It was quite the contrary actually. He had an alarming number of fans.

On the surface level you couldn’t see why. Most times you saw him, he looked bored out his mind and honestly, intimidating.

Maybe it was the tattoos. Or the ripped skinny jeans. Or the leather jackets with studs.

Maybe it was the domineering height and fit frame and structured face.

Maybe it was the intense dark eyes or the silky ruffled hair.

Even then, you failed to see the irresistible appeal in him. All those things that made him up only added to his unapproachable aura.

Bottom line was, he was bad news.

.

You didn’t want to be a spoil sport.

But how much of a thug your mom’s boyfriend’s son was shouldn’t be something that would make her like him less.

They were both their own people. Right ?

It was just that you just didn’t want her to be shocked and devastated if something happened later. When it happened.

Yet it seemed the serious conversation would have to wait.

After dinner your mom suggested you head to the living room to chat over wine and cheese.

You stayed back to do take out the dishes.

Earlier, your mom had stood to do it instead at first.

‘Don’t bother with that, dear.’ She reached for the plates in your hands. ‘Let me do it.’

‘It’s okay, mom.’ You smiled a little. ‘This is your night. I’ll meet you in the living room.’

'Sweetie...' Your mom looked close to tears. ‘But there’s so much of it…’

‘Jungkook,’ his father's voice had cut through the moment. He was a serious man in a crisp suit with a stoic countenance. His voice was just naturally authoritarian without him trying ‘Give her a hand.’

Jungkook stood, almost robotically.

‘It’s fine.’ You said. Politely. Nicely. Tightly. ‘I can handle this much.’

You left without another word.

That had been moments ago and now you were done with cleaning.

You stood at living room entrance for a while, taking in the scene.

The two adults were exchanging moon eyes and whispering in each other’s ears at the love seat.

Jungkook was sitting on a solo seat, but he was on his phone, completely unbothered by what was happening.

Your mom seemed to think it was the perfect time to pull out the photo album right then and there upon seeing you.

It was embarrassing but at least you knew you didn’t have to worry about the pictures spreading at school.

Jungkook was looking, picking up a picture occasionally to rove over, but he wasn’t the type to do that.

He also wasn’t the type to stare but you felt his glance shifting to you and lingering multiple times.

Once, you caught his eyes and he just stared at you across the coffee table wordlessly with a curious tilt to his head, idly flipping a picture of you dressed as a knight in glitter shining armor for Halloween at eight in his hands.

Honestly, it was starting to get annoying.

But you endured. For your mom’s sake.

.

Your alarm went off at exactly ten.

As subtly as you could, you excused yourself with an apology to the guests, saying you weren't really feeling well.

In hindsight you probably should have used a better excuse.

Your mom was notorious when it came to worrying, especially when it comes to your health.

Also, you probably should’ve locked the door before undressing just for good measure since people were over.

But in the moment, you were too busy setting your camera up where you were kneeling on the floor at the foot of the bed to be concerned about that.

That day you were testing out a new toy.

.

Distractedly, you took note of a couple of people asking you if that was your boyfriend’s shirt you had lifted over your tits.

You ignored them.

Couldn’t a girl own an oversized tee without getting any flack?

Trivial comments like that aside, a good majority of the audience are fawning over how wet you were and how perfect you bouncing tits look being played with.

Your head fell back and your eyes fluttered shut.

You were sitting there, knees raised to your chest and legs splayed, your gushing pussy in full display where the toy was stuffed deep into her tightness, vibrating pleasantly.

‘I’m close…’ you mumbled throatily, squeezing your tits and pinching your stiff nipples in between your moving fingers. You moved your hips move faster, feeling the toy buzz against fluttering walls. You took a hand off one of your tits to rub at your engorged clit. ‘Fuckfuckfuck…’

Deep in your high, you didn’t hear the door open and close with a foreboding click.

You only heard your name being called by a deep, smooth voice through the heady haze.

Instantly you stilled.

When you snapped your head to look over her shoulder Jungkook was there, hands in his pockets, leaning against your doorframe with his sleeves drawn up to his elbows, muscle roped, inked skin on full display.

When he tilted his head to the side a little, appraisively, you dared to say as a quaking chill ran down your spine and your entire body felt like it was about to burst into flames, a bit of his hair fell over his face.

His eyes were like two black in the dark as he took you in, dragging his gaze up and down your exposed body languidly.

In the back of your mind, you wished the ground would part and swallow you whole.

‘Your mom,' he starts, capturing your attention wholly, dark gaze finally flickering to your face, his voice suddenly lower, hoarser. ‘She sent me over to check on you.’

It took you a moment to realize where you were, who you were, who he was.

It was like a bucket of cold water had been dropped over your head.

Jeon Jungkook, the school's resident trouble maker, soon to be your step brother, just walked in on you fingering yourself in in front of a recording camera.

Well. Yeah.

You gulped.

You were royally fucked.

depending on the response I get I might ( most probably will ) delete this. not because I'm ashamed of my work. because I'm embarrassed of myself. I really swore to never write again and here I am. sigh. yes, I have seen my previous works and noticed just how terrible they were and this is a big reason why. so sorry for putting you through that. a million apologies.

also, that's right. I have adopted a new style which might not be to everyone's liking. another reason why.

anyways, if you liked this filth ( i know it seems mild but I can tell you it's very likely gonna get worse ) please idk uh... fuck this isn't ao3. hm.

like and drop by in the ask box if you liked it and want to see more. it makes me happy. its like serotonin fuel to me.

have a nice day. see you next time ( maybe ). stay fresh. yeah. 💜💜.

#bangtan #bts #bts angst #bts fluff #bts imagine #bts scenario #bts smut #bts au #jeon jungkook #jungkook scenario #jungkook imagine #jungkook smut #bts x reader #jungkook x reader #bts high school au #jungkook high school au

[p-redux]

Hi P, don't know if you've been told but bloggers like CantResistTemptation, BootSaucePunk, Meokeob and their commentors are mocking you saying you don't have real sources, you didn't know Emily is Hannah's sister, and that you only post stuff that you steal from them. Just thought you should be aware.

Hi Anon, first of all...BWAHAHAHA, thanks for the laugh. I needed it this afternoon. 😂

The assorted haters you've mentioned, as well as Extreme Shippers LOVE to make themselves feel better by continuing to say that I don't have sources, that I make up stuff, or go searching other blogs or social media for info. For the millionth time, WRONG.

At this point, ANYONE who has been here long enough can see that my record for posting ACCURATE, TRUE, and INSIDER info stands for itself. It's all in print on this blog and other blogs. I don't have time to go into every single instance of when I posted insider info and it was CONFIRMED to be true. But the big "scoops" are me telling the fandom about Tony AHEAD of anyone knowing he was Cait's man. Me telling the fandom AHEAD of time that Sam had broken up with Cody and was dating Abbie. Me telling the fandom AHEAD of time that Sam was dating Mackenzie. Me telling the fandom AHEAD of time that Maril and Matt were a couple and had had TWINS, me telling the fandom that someone on Outlander was pregnant (of course I was told it was Cait, but I couldn't say anything until it was confirmed). There is NO WAY I would have gotten that info and MANY other pieces of info via scouring social media. Anyone claiming so is plain stupid, it's literally an impossibility for me to have known any of that (none if it was public) without insider sources...or the haters are purposely trying to mislead their gullible followers.

And once again, I'm tired, "meh," and semi fandom retired, I don't have the energy, time, or inclination to GO LOOKING for info, it is SENT to me. People who send me the info don't ID themselves to the fandom precisely because of the haters, they know they'll be harassed. I'm Anon, so I take the brunt of the hate...I'm the MESSENGER. That's it.

As for me FORGETTING Emily is Hannah's sister, well sue me, I'm human, I forgot. I've been posting info for years, I can't keep track of everything. But I did know Emily is her sister. Oh look, here's me months ago posting just that. 👇

I love PROVING these haters wrong over and over again. So, guess what? I'm gonna start doing a past source info dump. Let me dive into my archives and also find other people's reblogs of my previous Tumblr account fortruthseekers, and REMIND people of the TRUTH and of the 7 years of me posting ACCURATE information from SOURCES.

Be careful what you wish for, bitches, you're about to be bombarded with some FACTS. I'll start tomorrow...

#samheughan #caitrionabalfe #mackenziemauzy #tonymcgill #extremeshippers #outlander #codykennedy #abbiesalt #matthewbroberts #matt roberts #marildavis #hannahjames #source #sources #purvsessed

[ocdhuacheng]

anyway putting this here too also to that one person who replied on a post a million years ago to elaborate on the ocd headcanon and then i forgot and it was like a month later so i felt awkward about it. heres something i guess. 

also one thing i forgot to mention was like.. okay so ocd is all about wanting to be in control of ur life. when things are out of my control it freaks me out. i despise ambiguity and not having concrete answers to things. lol. so anyway. i find it so funny how much of a gossip hua cheng is. like he has his nose in everyones business its hilarious so anyway being a ghost king it is obvi helpful to know whats going on in the world. realms. whatever, but i think hua cheng definitely has these kind of control issues, like he HAS to know whats going on at all times with everyone. his butterflies are everywhere recording things, obviously theyre looking for xie lian but hes also just snooping. Because If He Doesnt Know Whats Going On Everywhere He Will Die. (Again) 

and like his intrusive thoughts are super disturbing. Like we all know how he was debating slaughtering those humans on mt tonglu but ended up not because xie lian would have saved them. obviously that was already a stressful unusual situation but like i dont think that kind of thing gets any better even when hes just like. chilling. he gets visions of himself burning ghost city to the ground or attacking humans or destroying his own ashes or otherwise causing harm to others, like yin yu. like he pretends he doesnt care about yin yu and he xuan and stuff but i do think hes fond of them, but he tries to keep his distance because 1) hes dumb and 2) he gets really freaked out by these violent thoughts he has about them. the worst is, when he finally meets xie lian again he gets these thoughts about him too and it takes literally everything he has not to like. throw himself into a volcano, or something. 

his hoarding im a little ? about because i dont exactly remember the details of it but i do know he has a ridiculous amount of like trinkets and weapons and magical items and stuff in paradise manor, but i also know he doesnt really care if they get destroyed or not, which is kind of strange but i do what i want and im making him a hoarder bc im a hoarder and i love projecting. though now that i think about it. like if i have a big pile of something that i dont want to get rid of, but someone else does it for me without asking or something happens to it like yeah i get angry but sometimes i also just get kind of relieved........... idk. will have to think about this more

about not wanting things to get dirty. he was very poor and dirty as a child so now he has the connection of being dirty = being miserable, and this is taken to the extreme when he becomes a supreme bc now hes able to be clean and any dirt or blood on him or something/someone he cares about (’cant let you down the ground is dirty’; shielding the flower, etc) is like. an attack on this power he has now ? if that makes sense. idk how to explain....... 

the body dysmorphia and obsession with xie lian and making sure everything is orderly and perfect in the temple is self explanatory ig also im getting hungry so i dont want to write anymore. also like i mean idk if any of this is coherent anyway bc i cant write but ya

any other ocd havers welcome to add on

#.txt #hua cheng #tgcf #cc #ocd tag

[rein-ette]

Are you still working on your Commonwealth study? Do you have any thoughts on Arthur's relationships with his colonies apart from Canzuk + US?

Not properly, unfortunately with exams and then work I haven’t had mental/emotional capacity to do real research (and probably won’t for a while 😔). But I have continued to think about and develop certain relationships, and I think I also have old hcs I’ve never shared, so I’ll put those down!

Born into the Empire

Australia

@oumaheroes has already done such great hcs on him idk what I can add, but basically he was a little bit of a rowdy child, always breaking windows and shattering fancy pots, never able to sit still. I think rainbow once mentioned that Ken (short for Kenneth, my name for Aus) was a lot like England as a child in his curiosity and energy, and I wholeheartedly agree. But I think Arthur’s intensity was more inwardly directed, pushing him to pursue and master new talents and learn whatever he could, while Australia is a little more carefree in his love for the outdoors, exploring, jumping around and off things, little wild animals. Unfortunately for him, he was born in a period of the empire when Arthur was very serious about his kids education, and therefore often praised those who studied hard and learned fast, which really just wasn’t Australia’s cup of tea. Australia took this kinda hard and thought he was the “dumb” one in the family that Arthur was always scolding, but in reality Arthur knew and appreciated that Australias interests lay elsewhere — he was just a frustrated, tired, parent who really wanted to give his kids the best while also holding his empire together, two goals that were never going to fit well in the end and would completely exhaust him.

As Australia’s grown older he’s realized a bit of this (not entirely, though) and also that 1) he really did break a lot expensive things and cause general mayhem 2) scolding us Arthur’s way of showing he cares, if he didn’t he wouldn’t have payed attention to him at all 3) despite being a penal colony, he was still one of Arthur’s more “legitimate” children (being white and a boy) and was therefore still incredibly privileged — never having to question, for example, why it was that Arthur was his dad, if it should be this way, or if he had a seat at the family table at all (more on this later).

New Zealand

Zee, from birth, was a clear favourite. Obedient, calm, quietly intelligent, he would also later develop a blistering sense of humour which combined with his appearance made it overwhelmingly clear who’s child he was. If Ken questioned his place in the family because of his poor academic record and others did because of their appearance/race/other complications, Kaelan never had such problems; his siblings called him the “prince.” Zee, however, also had a charm that, like Matthew, endeared him to his siblings and mostly protected him from jealousy, though he certainly still had issues with being called a try hard, daddy’s boy, bossy, arrogant. Certainly as a child Zee was a little prideful and, under that unperturbed demeanour, willful, but he grew out of it by the 20th century and became one of those most trusted by Arthur, second only to Matthew. He’s also always been inseparable from his brother Australia despite their differences, and today they both have one of the healthiest and most amicable relationships with Arthur of any nation, let alone former colonies (family road trips, every summer).

Bermuda

I absolute fell in love with this girl after reading about here, once, in this fic by @shachaai, and after that my mind just ran away with me. For me, her human name given to her by Arthur just has to be Ariel — for the little mermaid reference, yes, symbolizing her connection to the sea and stunning good looks, but also because:

1. Ariel is a biblical name, meaning lion of God. This makes sense to me, because Bermuda began as a Portuguese trade post, so Arthur definitely consulted our resident bad catholic Port before naming her.

2. Ariel used to be boys name. This also makes sense, because I hc Bermuda was and still is a tomboy. Bitch is fierce, takes no prisoners, and has zero filter. Her letters to Arthur, which all the colonies sent so Arthur could keep an eye on things, were full of shit like “I swear to god if the Spanish don’t get out of my waters I might eat one of them,” and “father, I asked you for destroyers two months ago, and yet you sent them to Hong Kong — could you explain this most unusual occurrence, surely it’s not that you forgot”, and “thank you for the harpoon on my birthday, I caught a small shark a couple days ago and have sent you some of its teeth for your collection.” Arthur tolerates this attitude because he’s weak when it comes to girls; he absolutely spoils his daughters (and flushes like a 16 year old when a woman so much as bats her eyelashes at him). Yes, p*ssywhipped Arthur is a hill I will die on.

3. It also suits her because? Ariel? Shakespeare? The Tempest? Bermuda Triangle? Shipwrecks? Daughter-like figure of powerful and vengeful sorcerer? Yeah. And this girl is a fire spirit — she is so lively, snarky, clever. As she’s grown older she’s mellowed out a little, but still: a no shit taken, no fucks given type of gal.

4. Speaking of growing up, she’s also become quite the beauty. Shacha, if I’m remembering correctly, described her as dark skinned, wavy-haired, and green eyed and that image has been burned onto the back of my eyelids ever since. Those Iberian genetics really be pulling through for her, that’s for sure. Engport love child if I’ve ever seen one. Definitely one of the prettiest in her family.

Singapore

I’ve already mentioned this to needcake, but I’m not too big a fan of canon Singapore, so this is my oc version. Singapore is fascinating to me because it had only a very small local population before it became a colony (The original settlement had actually been destroyed by the Portuguese about two centuries before the British started building a port there.) So nation-tans like Singapore and Bermuda really are Arthur’s children in the most direct sense of the word. And yet, Singapore is mostly ethnically Chinese, with Malays being the second largest group. Growing up Asian in a white, Victorian era family surely cannot have been easy and more than once Singapore probably wondered if there hadn’t been some mistake. To make up for the constant fear that he wasn’t “really” British, Singapore studied ferociously and had a truly terrifying work ethic. I’m not sure if this is common knowledge outside Asian circles, so I’ll mention that this hc comes from the fact Singapore is well known for having truly exceptional students and some of the most prestigious schools. Singaporeans score highly in literally everything and they have an advantage with good English learning environments, a highly desirable trait in Asia, but these results come from brutally long hours — and its really saying something that they’re known for working hard, considering the studying ethic of students in Korea, Japan, and China aint nothing to sneeze at, either. To me this actually fits really well with Singapore’s upbringing in Arthur’s household, because Arthur himself prizes intelligence and hard work above all else, being a workaholic himself.

As for their relationship, it was probably the best when Singapore was young and peaked in the 1930s with the massive naval base the British built at Singapore, at the time the largest dry dock in the world. Singapore was a well-behaved child, not necessarily introverted but not rowdy either, and all the way into his teenage years he truly admired Arthur and was proud to be a part of the British Empire, despite his lingering unease and insecurities. The British defeat in World War II, however, was a massive turning point. He had worked his ass off to be a good son, a good brother, to contribute to the only family and system he had ever known, and he had thought by the 30s he was finally on his way to becoming a fine adult. And suddenly, the British surrender brings his entire world crashing down. He had followed the rules faithfully thinking it was his destiny, but suddenly it was clear that all rules were made up. Of course, his insecurities exploded. If the empire was a ruse, what the hell was he? A part of the illusion? He couldn’t have a truly Asian identity, because many of the old East Asian nations shunned him for his Western upbringing, and he could not entirely understand their values either. So he was a kid who kinda had to figure out late and very very suddenly who the fuck he was and wanted to be.

And, well, he’s done pretty well for himself, hasn’t he. After having a total crisis and questioning everything, I think Singapore slowly started to realize that just because the British Empire as a political entity didn’t last forever, that didn’t mean that his entire childhood and identity weren’t real. The love he gave to his siblings and the love he got back, the hard work he put in, his bond with Arthur and the safe, happy childhood he had — those memories and feelings didnt have to be diminished by what came after. Essentially, he learned the lesson all nations have to learn, which is that one needs to be able to discern between duties as a nation and feelings as a human being, and to some extent keep them separate to protect both.

Whoooooo ok I’ll stop there because this turned into a dissertation, sorry. Let me know if there are any specifics u want me to elaborate on or anything I missed, but I’ll leave this here for today :)

#hws england #hws Australia #hws new zealand #oc: hws Bermuda #not gonna tag anymore I’m lazy #fun times with the commonwealth #I probably won’t write so much for all of them I just put it there to remind myself #needcake #ask #my hcs

[not-gae-cuz-i-like-straight-wae]

Part 1: Responding to Jeansaaa

I intended on writing both my response to jeansaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and another person in one message, but there’s some delay and I only finished the first part some time ago, so I’ll split my message up in two parts with the second part coming later. So NOTE: this message does NOT contain all my answers to this subject and I WILL explain more about the “why’s” in the (I hope) near future.

Introduction:

It’s been a while, but I’ve finally decided to write the respond to both jeansaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa’s last message and someone who I spoke with in the private chat. I’ll start off by saying I’ll call jeansaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa just “Jeanaaa” for short and the other person I’ll simply call “ABC”, because this person preferred to remain anonymous. I’ll respond to this last person later on in this message too, because I might answer several questions others might have as well…

I can’t reblog Jeansaaa’s last message and reply to it, because Jeansaaa blocked me afterwards (I send him/her a private message and asked about whether he/she had never blocked me or unblocked me again and then Jeansaaa said he/she forgot to block me, made a joke about his/her memory, told me not to worry and said he/she would block me with a smiley... like, WHERE even is the logic in blocking someone like THAT), so I don’t even know if Jeansaaa will ever read my message. However, this is a reply to basically everyone who’d say the exact same things in a discussion about lgbt+, so that’s why I’m responding to his/her message anyway and the same thing goes for ABC. I will however speak directly to these people, because it is them who wrote me the things they wrote.

The last thing I wanna say before I actually start writing, is that I might use capital letters and exclamation marks. This, however, will be more often shoutouts out of surprise and confusion instead of anger and aggression or it will be just to emphasize parts of my sentences…

MY RESPOND TO: JEANSAAA

Jeansaaa’s last message:

Listen bro don’t take this personal I have no I’ll intentions at all and I don’t hate straight people ( I’m bi myself so i’m part straight ) but if you’re gonna post your opinions online than your gonna be subject to criticism, and the problem with straight pride is that for centuries lgbtq+ people have been called slurs, demonized even KILLED because of their sexuality, even to this day in certain countries it’s illegal to be to be part of the lgbtq+, until just RECENTLY gay marriage was illegal, nothing like that has happened to straight people, that’s why gay pride exists because homophobia is still ever present, but I’m not gonna shove this in your face, I’m just trying to let you know why gay pride exists and why straight pride doesn’t, have a good day dude 😊

“Don’t take this personal”

Okay, so first of all, EXCUSE ME?! I shouldn’t take it personal??? ERR. Aside from blocking me yourself, you LITERALLY told others to block me as well, so that is PRETTY personal!

No hate to straight people? WOW. I’m blown away!

Like I said before, it would be quite mankind-hating if you’d hate straight people! I know people don’t hate straight people (because THAT would be completely insane), but I still can’t believe we have come so far that you are criticized when you do say you’re straight! Because that’s what’s happening. Lgbt+ supporters want lgbt+ people to show everyone they’re not straight and straight people should shut up about being straight?!

I’m okay with criticism if it’s because I say THESE things…

Yes, I AM posting the things I say online. Those aren’t “opinions”, but I guess it wouldn’t even do any good anymore to explain that to you, so I’ll just say “opinions” to keep it simple… I know a lot of people have the same opinions as me. People that also have no ill intentions (towards the lgbt+ community itself as well), but (like me) they act the way they act and have opinions because they think about it themselves and NOT because the majority (or at least, the ones who are given a voice and scream the loudest and the ones that can control the governments and the media together with – of course – the large herd of people that blindly follows them) thinks that way. Unfortunately, many people don’t dare to stand up for their opinion anymore these days and those who do speak aloud are often silenced. Either because their account gets blocked if they’d speak on the internet or something even worse would happen if they’d stand up for their opinions in real life.

You’re calling the ENTIRE humanity before us STUPID…

So I have a question for you… You say: “for centuries lgbtq+ people have been called slurs, demonized even KILLED because of their sexuality” and you say “nothing like that has happened to straight people”. Now… Don’t you think there is a REASON why all these centuries people thought of lgbt+ as abnormal? Do you really think all these BILLIONS and BILLIONS of people that have lived on the Earth for CENTURIES just thought of lgbt+ as abnormal for absolutely NO REASON?!

Again: I don’t hate gays and don’t feel any need to discriminate them, in case you still thought I did after I already told you a hundred times I didn’t.

Look, I don’t justify the fact that people were killed because of whatever they thought they were or liked and I have said that before. I think they should have human (I repeat: HUMAN) rights and that they should be protected by the government in the country they live in (as long as they act normally, of course, but that applies to everyone). So if they’d get abused or they’d beaten up, the perpetrators should be punished! If people want to make decisions or changes to themselves, it’s their problem. That’s why I also wouldn’t hurt or scold anyone who’s – for example – gay. I fact, some of my very own friends are gay and they know how I think about it, but we have no problems with each other at all. So don’t pretend like I’M the one causing others frustration or whatever!

The problem.

And that’s why I think I should clarify myself one more time: I’m not against gay people. That’s their choice. What I am against is the lgbt+ AGENDA that is being executed (and that too is why I definitely wouldn’t support the lgbt+ community and why I openly said that on my account). I’m against the forcing of changing mankind’s morality. It’s totally fine (to me, at least) if you want to have an opinion, but why all that pushy hassle?! And now it even goes far beyond imposing opinions. Entire cities are changed. I know why and I’ll speak about this more extensively later on, but I’ll first finish my respond to what you’ve said.

I believe you are mistaken about your own goal.

You claim that gay pride is all to make sure gay people will have the same rights as straight people, right? I know many people do. Well, let me tell you something: the way you’re trying to achieve that WON’T change the fact that it’s illegal to be part of the lgbt+ community in some countries! Waving rainbow flags, painting rainbow zebra crossings and creating wall paintings of two men (like I have all seen more than once in my very own hometown and much, MUCH more in the capital city of the country I live in) won’t change a SHIT about what’s happening in faraway countries. And I can tell you another thing: in the places where all these changes for lgbt+ people are made, lgbt+ people already HAVE the same rights! So if you REALLY want to change anything in some country on the other side of the world, GO OVER THERE and try to convince them to treat lgbt+ people differently!

More than just normalizing (whether you acknowledge that or not).

But NO. That’s NOT what you all do. You wave all these flags and stuff here for another reason, because – like I said – lgbt+ people ARE accepted by the community in these countries and waving flags won’t change a thing ANYWHERE even IF it hadn’t already been legalized here. You wave these flags, paint these rainbow zebra crossings and create these wall paintings of two men because lgbt+ is already normalized here, but the lobby who created this agenda wanted people to take it much further than just normalizing the lgbt+ community. That’s also why it’s not called gay “normal”, but gay “pride” and why you all celebrated an entire “pride month”. That’s also why I spoke earlier about you all praising, glorifying or even WORSHIPPING the lgbt+ community now.

So DON’T try to convince me…

… that all these rainbow stuff and same-sex paintings are to reduce discrimination of lgbt+ people (which I, for the record, am also against, but I’ve already explained that before), because it’s NOT. It already IS not allowed to discriminate lgbt+ people in these countries and on social media and you guys are NOT trying to change anything in countries where being gay is illegal, because that would be happening over THERE and not over HERE.

About the next message:

Once again, I know (a couple of reasons) why the lobby wants you all to wave rainbow flags etc. etc., but I’ll speak about that more at some other point in the next (extremely long) message, in which I – like I said earlier – will also respond to someone who texted me in a private chat.

So this is where the first part of my message ends. You’ll hear more of me about this some other time…

#writing about lgbt+ stuff again #and there is more to come #but not now #because i've been kinda busy lately

[mings]

Some context...

...in relation to that last post. This is a lo-o-o-o-ong read, so feel free to skip right by if catharsis bores you.

This starts way before I joined tumblr; in fact, long before tumblr was even a thing.

Twenty years ago, we lived in a huge house backing onto the English Channel. We moved there from Scotland, which turned out to be (probably) the biggest mistake of my life. 

Within nine months of buying the place, the company I’d moved to work for nearly folded. I and most of the workforce were made redundant. That set in motion an existential battle with our mortgage insurer, which refused to pay out because I “must have known” when taking out the insurance. (I didn’t, and they eventually caved in after destroying my credit record, but that’s another story.)

Work wasn’t immediately available; none that would at least cover the bills. We got inventive, wrote a business plan, obtained finance & bought a franchise. It went pretty well for the first three years, but we had to bust a gut to make the required income. It wasn’t easy. Eventually, the franchise operator messed up relations with several key players in our insurance market. Within three months, we lost 75% of our revenue. I had to close the workshop & find part time work to make ends meet. Ultimately, we decided to close the business, sell the house and downsize to something more manageable.

What’s the relevance of this? We tried hard to keep our precarious financial state form the kids. Maybe we didn’t do as well as we thought. Our son had already become withdrawn. He’d fallen in with a group of local lads about whom we had grave misgivings. Of course, there was no discussing it. We were “over-reacting” and unreasonable. It was around that time that he decided to jack in his education. I couldn’t criticise; I’d done the same. I pulled some strings and got him a job at our local Royal Mail delivery office.

We moved to our new place. It was a stressful move. Trying to fit into a house that was literally half the size was never going to be an easy task. One afternoon, our son came home from work and soon after announced he was going out. “See you later.” Only we didn’t. He didn’t come home that night. Nor did he turn up for work the next day. Nor the day after. And nor the day after that. Within a week he was written up for unauthorised absence. We had no way of contacting him. His case was heard in the following weeks. I could offer no mitigation. He was sacked for abandonment of duty. That tag that means he’ll never work for them again. 

We still had no idea where he was. We only knew he was alive because we met a couple of his friends who couldn’t believe he’d not been in touch. Still no word. My wife was in shreds; I suspect any of you who are parents can identify with that. I was alternating between trying to prop her up and stay on top of my job, all the while under a constant barrage of barracking (Oh, we don’t mean anything by it, it’s just banter....)

About three months in I’d had enough. Sleep was a scarce resource so I rose at the crack of dawn and started on a trip, rousting one after another of the friends and acquaintances that I knew, following leads until finally I tracked him down to a sordid bedsit several towns and 40 miles away. At least he answered the door and looked sheepish. He offered no explanation or apology, and has never done so to date. He refused to come back home, but promised to keep in touch. 

We know he bounced from one sofa to another in the next few months. He spent time in some of the worst areas in the county for drug abuse. He fell into a relationship with a girl that looked promising initially and subsequently fell apart. Later, he surfaced in another town with another girl whom he subsequently married. She often spoke of his irascible temperament and moods. Ultimately the marriage was doomed; she was younger than him, found a new interest and moved out. One wonders now how much of that was her and how much she’d put up with before voting with her feet.

He’s stumbled from one financial crisis to another. Money just evaporates. It’s as though adulting is a mystery beyond his reach. I’ve lost count of the times that we’ve thrown money at him and I don’t want to even think about how much. It’s literally thousands, always a loan, yet he never, ever pays back.

He left his job. That was inevitable too; he worked for his ex-father-in-law’s company. Heaven only knows how long the writing was on the wall; it was pretty swift once she left. He drifted again. He chose to live in a squalid flat with no heating rather than move back with us. Absolutely his choice, not ours. 

We moved to Scotland. That meant all his stuff had to go into storage. Quick rewind - he moved all his stuff to ours when he gave up the house he & his ex lived in, but refused to move back home. I had to rent a storage unit to make space for all his gear & when we moved I shifted all his gear into the store, gave him the key & told him I’d paid three months up front; after that it was his to deal with. Apparently, he surrendered the store and moved all his gear into the flat...

Fast forward to a couple of months back. He’d run out of options at the flat. His flatmate was “really difficult” to live with. His ex had moved away, taking their son with her. He had nothing left to stay for and, surprise, he’d lost his job again so he couldn’t afford the rent. 

My wife convinced me we should give him one last shot, citing his fragile mental health. I agreed on the strict understanding that we are simply no longer in a position to support him. He assured us he’d be applying for work as soon as he got here. We rarely see him before midday...

We agreed the end of the first week in March. We knew he’d arrive with a ton of stuff so we had (again) to create space. That’s infinitely more difficult now we’re running a B&B, but we set to the task. Suddenly, two weeks sooner than we’d agreed, he rented a van and was on his way. No discussion, no warning. We only found out because he put something on FB. 

Finally, after trying to reach him most of the day, he phoned. Whilst we should have been relieved, instead we were treated to a barrage of abuse because all the petrol stations were shut. Of course they were. It was in a national lockdown and why would they stay open when there was no one on the roads? JFC, who embarks on a journey in sub-zero temperatures across some of the most inhospitable country in the UK without enough fuel? With a six year old child. Yes, not only did he forget to tell us about his change of plans, he forgot to tell us he was bringing his son too.

We drove south through the night for two hours to find him somewhere in the Cairngorms where he’d run out of fuel. No fuel meant no heaters at 1500 feet in deep snow. The ambient temperature was -5ºC/23ºF & with wind chill that was probably around -10ºC/14ºF. We found him & refuelled his van. No thanks, just another barrage of abuse, because he was tired. We took his son into our car & drove the two hours back in near silence. I think we knew then that it was an awful predictor of what was to come.

We’ve had row after row. He accused me of being passive-aggressive in the last. He actually ticks all the boxes for passive-aggressive behaviour. I’ve never been tagged with that before; if anything I’m too forthright, blunt even. That’s a failing to which I will admit. If by that he meant that I don’t talk about the elephant in the room, it’s only because we fear it’ll lead to another explosion.

He never saw the damage that we sustained during our fostering years. He was never there. Yet here we are, experiencing flashbacks to those traumatic incidents; the parallels are exact. We have the benefit of years of training. We recognise manipulative behaviour when we see it - we were trained by some of the nations best exponents - and we know divisive tactics implicitly.  What he doesn’t know is that he will succeed only in pushing us closer together and alienating himself even further.

There are clear and well-documented links between cannabis and mental health issues. He is allowing the drug to determine his life choices. Although I may be wrong, I think he’s cultivating skunk, which is nothing like the weed that circulated in my youth. The smell that pervades our hallway is instantly evocative of high strength Afghan resin. It’s also going to be acutely difficult to eradicate before we’re due to open.

We’ve endured 20 years of this treatment. I know that even if we have a ritual burning, it will only be a matter of time before we’re back here again. We’re old. We’re tired. And we’ve worked our socks off (and still do) to achieve what we have. Maybe somewhere along the way we missed something. But I’m at a stage where I’m so far beyond this I just want it to stop.

#drugs #the damage is done #context #explanatory notes