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boldlygo-boldlygoing-boldlygone · 3 years

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And We Do It All Again - Chapter 2

Summary: Jim has two big problems right now. The first is that he is hopelessly in love with his First Officer and his Chief Medical Officer, and neither seems to return his feelings. The second is that he’s stuck in a time loop where his ship is destroyed and his crew killed, over and over again.

Things can never be simple for James T. Kirk, can they?

Warnings: angst, (temporary) character death, swearing, time loops, suicide attempt in a later chapter (again, it’s in a time loop so it doesn’t really work)

Pairing: McSpirk

Chapter 2 of 7

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A/N: Can also be read here on AO3!

Jim thrashed, legs tangling in his sheets, and ended up on the floor, clutching his chest and sucking in breath. Panicked, he kicked off the sheets and stumbled to his feet.

It was only when he realized he wasn't being sucked into the emptiness of space that he paused.

He stood in his room, blinking and taking deep, plentiful breaths. With a shaky hand, he glanced at the clock. Seeing the date, he exhaled deeply. A dream. It had only been a dream. His eyes turned, pausing on the chess board and glasses. A shiver ran up his spine.

Just a dream.

He rushed through his routine that morning, unwilling to admit even to himself that his hands shook a tad. Seeing them would help, he decided, and the sooner he got to see them, the sooner he'd feel better. Once he was dressed, he headed for the mess hall, trying to keep his face relaxed. Something caught in his chest when Spock was seated in the exact place he'd been in his dream, reading, but Jim pushed it away. Spock sat in roughly the same place every day. And he liked to be productive, so the PADD wasn't strange either. Still, he knew he was tense as he sat across from his First Officer.

"Good morning, captain."

"Morning, Spock."

"Our match last night was quite riveting. Your skill is improving."

Jim blinked, mouth going dry. He just knew Spock well. This wasn't weird, it didn't mean anything. "Thanks, Spock. Glad you had a good time."

The corner of Spock's mouth flickered down. "Are you well, Jim? You seem startled by my comment and you are, as Dr. McCoy says, fidgeting."

"No, I'm okay. Just had a weird dream." Jim threw his friend a reassuring smile and allowed himself to lightly touch his First Officer's forearm. Hands were a whole thing for Vulcans, he knew that, but a forearm should be okay. Besides, the contact made it easier to prove to himself that this was real and that he hadn't just watched the two people he cared about most die. "Anyway, let's have a rematch tonight. Bet you beat me this time."

"Not this again." Bones plopped down beside Jim, scowling. Jim grinned and let his arm- the one not touching Spock- wrap around his friend's shoulders. The contact did wonders in calming his racing heart.

"Yes, this again! You wanna come?"

"Depends. Will there be whiskey?"

"Not tonight. You drank everything I had last night."

Bones snorted and started eating. "Like you didn't help."

"Come on, Bones, it'll be fun!"

"I dunno if I can suffer both of your presence without a drink." Bones smirked, quirking an eyebrow at Jim. "But I can try."

"Great! We can meet in my cabin at 2300."

"Affirmative."

"I can do that."

"Perfect." Jim paused, pushing aside the words that came naturally. "Spock, we outta get to the bridge."

"Correct, captain." Spock stood and nodded at Bones. "Until tonight, Leonard."

"See ya, Bones!" Jim grinned as Bones waved half-heartedly, something fond flickering in his features even as he rolled his eyes.

Jim fell into step with Spock as they headed for the turbolift. Inside, Spock spoke up. "I must admit, I do find the recreational time spent with you and Dr. McCoy quite enjoyable."

"I'm glad, Spock. It's- It's quite enjoyable for me too."

He felt Spock glance at him from the corner of his eye, but he didn't comment further. They stepped on the bridge together, then separated for their respective stations.

"Captain on the bridge!"

"Status report, Mr. Sulu?" Jim asked, a strange nervousness crawling over him as his pilot responded.

"Starfleet sent us new orders this morning. There's a planet in our sector they want us to check out."

"Okay." Jim hesitated. It had only been a dream. They were on an exploration mission, after all. It was a common enough command, it wasn't surprising.

"Sir?" Sulu glanced at Chekov, then back at him. "Shall I set the course?"

Jim cleared his throat. "Yes, Mr. Sulu. Thank you."

"Yes, sir."

He forced his attention to turn to his paperwork (paperwork that felt too familiar, too much the same as before), though was unable to keep from occasionally glancing out at the stars. Time crawled by and he found himself painfully tense, worry circling his mind. It had just been a dream. A frighteningly realistic one, but a dream all the same. After his shift, he'd head to his room, meet Bones and Spock, and tell them about it. They'd calm his fears and assure him that he was, in fact, being ridiculous. It'd be okay. He just had to finish this shift.

Then Sulu spoke and he felt as though all the air had left the room. "Sir, there's an unidentified ship approaching."

Jim sucked in a breath and ground his teeth, forcing his shaking hands to steady. "Hail them."

"They're not responding."

"Shields up. Then try again."

"Yes, sir." As Sulu moved to act, the entire ship jolted.

"We've been hit, captain! Damage to engine one!"

Jim swore, a cold panic washing over him. "Are the shields up?"

"Yes, sir, but the hit came while I was putting them up. They didn't block the entire blast."

"Fire back immediately!"

"Shields at twenty percent!" Chekov called.

"Firing now!" Sulu tensed. "It didn't even dent their shields!"

"Get us out of here, Mr. Sulu!"

"Yes, sir. I need-" The ship shook again. The hit took the lights with this time.

"Shields at ten percent!"

"Sulu, can you get us out?"

"The engine is too damaged, sir, I can't warp!"

"Damn it! Evacuate the ship!" He commanded, slamming the button. Red light flooded the room and Jim strode to the console, already pulling Sulu up.

"The autopilot is down, sir, I need to stay and-"

"Get out of here, Hikaru! That's an order!"

"But sir-" The ship rocked again.

"Think of Demora!"

Sulu's eyes went wide. Jim felt guilty for the bluntness, but it got the man moving, and that was what mattered. Jim turned his attention to Spock immediately.

"I need to find Bones."

"I will accompany you, captain."

Jim nodded sharply, not bothering to argue. The memory from yesterday- the dream, the damn dream- rose, but he pushed it down and pressed on.

"Bones!" The ship shook, more violently this time. The shields were down.

"I need to get my patients off this ship. Go without me!" Bones barked, not even looking at Jim.

"Come on, Bones, we can't stay!" Jim insisted, even as he pulled a patient out of bed and helped Nurse Chapel get a grip on him. She dragged the man- the last patient, he realized, as Bones helped Dr. M'Benga with another.

"Alright, alright. Lead the way."

Jim moved, knowing the two were behind him. Fear gripped him as the world exploded again, however, and he was thrown into Bones' office.

"No!"

Spock and Bones, clinging for dear life.

"Bones! Spock!"

Spock's eyes rolling. Bones' face going blue.

"No! No!"

Spock let go. Jim screamed. The world exploded.

. . .

This time, he shot out of bed, eyes fearful as they found the clock.

Same time. Same day.

He wanted to believe to it was a bad dream. That he was stressed and his brain had come up with some weird situation to cope with that. But it had all been too real for that. He didn't know what was happening, but he had to stop it.

He barely pulled on appropriate clothing before taking off, sprinting for Spock's room. He pounded on the door as soon as he arrived, heart racing.

"Jim. It is quite early, is all well?"

"No. You have to listen to me. I dunno what's going on, but I've been through this day twice now and both times, the Enterprise has been blown up and we all die. I need your help stopping it." As soon as it was out, he knew how insane it sounded. He was certain Spock thought he had lost it, but he was simply staring. When he spoke, his voice was void of emotion.

"Why don't you come inside?" Jim blinked, confused, but let Spock usher him inside. "Were you able to sleep last night, Jim?"

"What? Yeah, I guess. Spock, you're missing the point!"

"I am not. I am simply assessing the situation. You are certain these events were real?"

"Yes. Like I said, I don't know how, but they were! We have to do something!"

"Indeed." Spock looked at him a moment longer, then cautiously raised his arms. "You are shaking. May I hug you?"

Jim blinked. "Uh- what?"

"Hugs are customary means of comfort in Earth culture, correct?"

"Well- yeah."

"Then I wish to comfort you. This has clearly caused you great distress."

"I guess." Jim was still confused as Spock hugged him. He couldn't recall if Spock had ever hugged him. "I'm just glad you aren't calling me crazy. I thought you'd think I lost it."

"Believe me, Jim. I do not think you 'crazy,' as you say." Spock released him, sincerity in his eyes even as his features remained neutral. "I do apologize, however."

"What? What are you-" He didn't have a chance to finish as he felt Spock's fingers at his neck. The world was black before he even hit the ground.

The first thing he registered when he came to were voices, low and worried.

"-clearly believed these events to be real."

"Jesus, Spock. You did the right thing bringing him here."

"Will you be able to determine what is wrong?"

"Yeah, I should. He's probably just been pushing himself too much. You saw how tired he was last night."

"Exhaustion could cause delusions."

Delusions? "Bones. Spock!" Jim forced his heavy eyes open and tried to sit up. He found he couldn't.

"Woah, Jimmy, relax." Their faces appeared in his vision.

"Spock, what the hell!?"

"I apologize, captain. You were clearly in a state of panic and I believed Dr. McCoy could best assist you."

"I'm not having delusions! The ship is going to get attacked! Let me up so I can stop it!"

Bones frowned, eyes worried. "Kid, calm down. We're gonna figure out what's wrong, okay? You're gonna be fine." He was being gentle. Bones was never gentle.

He really thought Jim had lost it. He struggled harder against the restraints, anger and despair and betrayal flowing through his system. "Damn it, Bones! Just listen to me!"

"You're not makin any sense, kid. The ship is fine."

"Yeah, now! But we're gonna get attacked!"

"Jim-"

"I saw the crew dying! I saw you both die! I need to save you, let me save you!"

Spock and Bones exchanged a look. A hand closed around his and squeezed. "We're right here, Jimmy."

"Don't touch me, damn it!" Jim thrashed violently, too angry to properly appreciate the gesture. "Listen!"

"I'm gonna put you to sleep again, kid. We'll figure this out, I promise."

"No, Bones, don't! Please, don't!" But it was too late. Jim glowered at Bones, then Spock, as he felt the hypo kicking in. "Damn you both!" He snarled before his body relaxed on its own account and he fell unconscious again.

When he woke the second time, the world was red. Bones was beside him, yanking his limp body- still weak from the sedative- off the biobed. Jim leaned again Bones, groaning as the doctor practically dragged him to the door.

"Leonard!" Spock skidded to a halt in front of them, then grabbed Jim's other arm and helped drag him towards the door.

"What the hell is going on?" Bones hissed as they stumbled to the door.

"We are being attacked." Spock explained shortly. Jim was too weak to say 'I told you so.'

"What? By who?"

"I do not-"

The explosion cut him off. This time, Jim watched, horrified, as Bones was sucked out of the ship. The only thing keeping him from the same fate was Spock's strong arm, his grip painful on Jim's bicep.

"BONES!"

"Jim!" Spock pulled at him, but it was obvious the lack of atmosphere was affecting him. Jim himself already felt lightheaded. Black spots filled his vision and he passed out before Spock's grip failed.

#star trek #jim kirk #spock #leonard mccoy #mcspirk #tos #star trek tos #star trek aos #aos #fanfiction #my stories #mine #and we do it all again

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homeforchristmas-au · 4 years

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Character bios pt 2!!

Decided to continue the bios for the rest of the fam squad, the full extended family!! Might change things around a bit, we’ll see!!! Here’s part one in case you missed it :3

Emile Sanders (formerly Picani):

Age: 46

Pronouns: he/him/they/them

Height: 6’1”

Curly medium golden mahogany brown hair and sky blue eyes, subtly tanned skin covered in freckles, red framed rounded glasses, likes dressing like a cartoon character or just wearing cartoon merch (his prized possession is his Mabel pines jumper) but wears a brown cardigan over a white button down shirt with a pink necktie when he goes to work

A big goofball that has a lot of love to give, but he still knows when to be more subdued and calm and when to activate “serious picani”. He’s always loved helping people work through their issues which is why he’s a therapist

Like patton, he’s excellent at reading emotions, though he’s a bit better at it since he’s a professional

Has ADHD, but has developed the necessary coping skills to help keep his symptoms under control

Has two siblings; Catarina (Patton’s mother) and Leonard (Patton’s other uncle). Emile is the baby of the family while Leonard is the oldest

Emile met Thomas when they were both in college. They shared an ASL class and quickly began getting along, and frequently practiced sign language together and feelings developed from there

It was quite some time before they got married, but it was well worth the wait

Thomas Sanders:

Age: 43

Pronouns: he/him

Height: 5’10”

The standard character Thomas look; floppy medium brown hair, chestnut eyes, fair skinned, wears the same three shirts periodically for five years until he buys three new shirts, the usual stuff

He’s a sweet, down to earth guy. Loves cartoons almost as much as Emile does, has a passion for pizza, theatre, and the cats of the world he’ll never be able to pet without dying. He can be impulsive at times, but his heightened anxiety oftentimes outweighs that

Has three brothers named Christian, Patrick, and Shea, but I won’t describe them in depth cos I don’t wanna get any facts wrong since this is based on Thomas himself oop-

I’m literally just describing the canon character Thomas except slightly older im-

There’s like nothing else to add to make this fun and unique it’s just character Thomas welp

Thomas and Emile’s kids:

Anton Sanders:

Age: 16

Pronouns: any/all

Height: idk uh ??? 5’7” ???

Medium length wavy black hair, electric blue eyes, fair skinned with a beauty mark on his right cheek beneath his eye, usually wears fashionable clothes and declares himself an eleven, often wears scarves and turtlenecks (almost exclusively black) as well as his round mirrored sunglasses

Can and will kill you with a single look. Especially if you mess with his family. He’ll never admit it but he loves them with everything he’s got, even if he never acts like it for even a moment

Especially adores Remy and respects that they’re discovering themself and exploring new possibilities. He knows from experience how tough that is and how much of a challenge it can be

Was adopted at age three after his parents were busted for child abuse and heavy drug addiction. It took quite some time for him to come out of his shell but Emile and Thomas were nothing but patient and loving and kind. He still has a lot of trust issues but he knows he can trust his family

Will never admit it now but became insanely jealous when remy was adopted into the family. He did not want a brother because he knew that meant he was being replaced and he wasn’t loved anymore

Eventually Thomas and Emile sat him down and they all talked through it and assured Anton that he was still loved and he was not being replaced

It still took a very long time for Anton to trust Remy, even if he was only a baby

His heart was won over when Remy said his first word to him

All he said was “no” but Anton admired his defiant spirit

also yes this is the Critic how did u know

Remy Sanders:

Age: 12 (birthday January 16)

Pronouns: he/him/they/them/it/its

Height: damnit how tall are 12 year olds

Shoulder length hair dyed dark purple at the roots that fades into magenta at the ends (hair colour changes periodically depending on what it feels like having), chocolate brown eyes, fairly dark skinned but not heavily so, gender expression changes at the drop of a hat but it often wears leather, skirts, beanies, and a heck ton of earrings (when it turns eighteen it starts getting a lot of different piercings like angel bites, nostril, and industrial piercings, etc) (that’s worth noting)

Almost always sarcastic but that’s its way of showing love really. It’s a helluva punk that can and will fight anyone to the death if they deserve it (or if they hurt someone Remy likes). It’s actually a huge nerd but doesnt usually show that side of itself. It loves reading, watching shows like doctor who, and doing puzzles with Logan

Was diagnosed with adhd after Emile noticed it experienced similar symptoms for quite a while

Was adopted by Thomas and Emile when it was a baby (and Anton was four), having been found by Emile when it was left in a box in an alleyway, which was a long and complicated process but one hundred percent worth it

It has a trio of male rats named Holmes, Watson, and Splinter. Thomas was a bit reluctant to let it adopt rats but they all went to a rat breeder and when Thomas saw them all and even held one he realised it wasn’t so bad and they were actually kinda cute

When it was nine years old, it nearly died in a nasty hit and run. A truck had swerved into it when it was by the side of the road. It was fine after a lengthy recovery except it had to use a wheelchair after some spinal cord damage left it immobilised from the waist down. The driver was never identified

It probably wasn’t a coincidence that this event occurred not long after remy started talking about how much it loved boys just as much as it loved girls, but that teas a bit too hot for this post

Logan’s sisters:

Ellen Adams-Waterson:

Age: 26

Pronouns: she/her

Height: 5’6”

Light auburn hair going just barely past the shoulders, honey eyes, fair skinned though mildly tanned, covered from head to toe with freckles, red framed rectangular glasses, usually wears clothes for comfort and especially likes turtlenecks

She’s a determined, steadfast kinda gal who fights for whats right and gives everything she has for her loved ones, especially her immediate family. Although she can be pretty blunt with her words she’s also kindhearted and wants whats best for everyone

She’s an avid writer, and has actually published a novel. She also dabbles in fanfiction and is unashamed about it

She’s married to a wonderful wife named Elizabeth and they have a daughter named Kaylee (15)

She’s also been trying to quit smoking but so far that has yielded no results

Ashley Fletcher (formerly Adams):

Age: 24

Pronouns: she/her

Height: 5’10”

Long light ash brown hair that reaches her tailbone that she keeps parted to the right, electric blue eyes, fair skinned and a face full of freckles, black rectangular glasses, tries to be fashion forward but mostly just wears T-shirts and denim jackets

She’s a trans woman and has been transitioning for a few years now with lots of support from her family. She’s a nice person but let’s people walk all over her a bit. She doesn’t like confrontation much because of her anxiety disorder, but she’s trying to get better with that

Loves acting and wants to pursue it as a career, but her anxiety makes it difficult to put herself out there

Married to a trans man named warren and they have a son named jack (11) and a daughter named Emma (6)

She met warren at a pride event with Logan and Patton, and it was actually Patton who met him first (although at the time he went by a different name and didnt know he was trans yet) and then introduced him to the others

They actually talked about adopting a child long before even considering marriage. Although they realised it would look better to adoption agencies if they were married, and that was the main reason they even went through all of that

Renae Adams:

Age: 21

Pronouns: she/her/he/him

Height: 6’8”

Short wavy hair dyed bright pink, amber eyes, fair skinned, a black *dabs* styling pair of Warby Parker’s, often wears high neck shirts and suit jackets, basically always business casual because she can, and loves wearing hoop earrings

There are two sides to Renae; either stone cold businessperson or happy go lucky memelord with a heart of gold. She’s a lot like Logan in that regard, although it’s harder to predict what side of her you’ll see at any given moment. She can either be a super soft bean or the scariest person on the planet

Has been dealing with OCD her whole life, and sometimes it gets particularly bad (especially the intrusive thoughts) but she has a therapist and psychiatrist she sees somewhat regularly

She runs her own coffee shop called Real Bean Café and it does fairly well. She’s always thinking about how she can improve her business

She’s aroace so she isn’t in a romantic relationship but she is in a queerplatonic relationship with a beautiful enby named Pigeon

They actually met in her coffeeshop. Renae saw Pigeon’s Attack on Titan T-shirt and was immediately compelled to talk to them

And that is it for part two of the character bios!!! Might make another post talking about Logan’s sisters’ kids and partners but idk we’ll see 👀

I just really like character designs man lmao

Lemme know if I need to tag anything else my brain box isn’t generating the required tags rn lmao

#ts home for christmas #thomas sanders #sanders sides #sanders sides au #thomile #thomas x picani #thomas x emile #emile picani #adhd picani #adhd emile #character thomas #remy sanders #critic sanders #it/its use #car accident mention #hit and run mention #injury mention #ocd mention #long post

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orlamccools · 5 years

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hi its relationship anon again and i just want to say ty in advance. basically like. my church had an event on tuesday night and i'm friends with this girl (h) who's friends with a few other people so i'm now in their friend group. h and the friend group are all super toxic and there's a lot of drama but that's. kinda a whole separate thing. one of the girls, d, said she wanted to kiss h, so h was kinda freaking out abt this and coped with it by making out with this boy who i can call t. 1/?

This is gonna get pretty long so I apologize in advance nonnie, but I wanted to make sure that I was able to cover everything you told me.

First, I wanna revisit something you originally said. This group seems hella toxic. Like holy cow. If H is telling the truth about L telling that stuff to D, then I really wouldn’t trust L. Obviously I don’t know a ton about your group and the members and your connection with them, but it’s really shitty to tell someone that another person has feelings for them without that person actually having those feelings.

Another thing I wanted to bring up was the kiss with L. I really cannot express how fucking upset I am that you had to experience this. It is incredibly fucked up that they kissed you without your consent, and you aren’t wrong for feeling kinda gross and weird around them. Your first kiss is supposed to be something that you consensually do with someone who you like or care about, and to me, it seems like it sorta happened to you before you had a chance to react. That ain’t alright. Also with regards to your sexuality, I think the fact that the kiss wasn’t consensual is why you’ve been questioning it. Again from what I got, it seemed like it was forced on you, and you didn’t have a say in it. That’s gonna lead to bad, negative feelings, and it seems to me that the nature of the kiss is really affecting you. I guess another way of putting it is that it seems to me that it’s not the fact that the kiss was with a woman, but the fact that you didn’t consent to it. I really, really wouldn’t worry about your sexuality. This wasn’t something you wanted to do, and the fact you feel bad about it is reflective of that. It’s not reflective of you misidentifying your sexuality or anything like that, you feel?

In addition, if you don’t feel comfortable dating L, and they are pressuring you to do something that you don’t want to do, like vaping, then nonnie I cannot stress this enough: GET OUT OF THAT SITUATION. L has clearly already shown disrespect for both your boundaries and H’s boundaries, and that’s probably not going to improve or change. Also, relationships are supposed to be fun, especially when you first get in them. They shouldn’t feel like an obligation or something you have to do. If you’re uncomfortable with it at the start, then that’s a sign that it isn’t what you want, and you should leave as soon as you can. I know it feels bad and it’s hard to do, but like from my experience I know that this isn’t gonna get better!! L will continue to try and push your boundaries more and more, and that will just cumulate in more resentment and more bad feelings. The fact that they’re two years older than you too also sets off some alarm bells because when you get to be a senior...you know that there's a difference between you and a sophomore. Speaking as someone who’s best friends are two years younger than them, there’s clearly a mental, physical, and even emotional difference between a sophomore and senior in high school. Sophomores are 15-16, just learning to drive and just testing some of the waters of being older. A senior has much more life experience than that, and like being 17-18 is closer to being an adult than being a kid. Can a sophomore and senior relationship work? Theoretically yeah. But L has already shown some concerning tendencies wrt boundaries and consent and imo its not a stretch to say that she would use her age and experiences to influence or coerce you into doing something that you don’t want to do.

Moving on to something a tad bit lighter, I know it can be very difficult to the vent friend in any friend group, and especially hard in a toxic group. If it’s at all possible, would you be able to tell them to maybe cool it with their messages? Something along the lines of “hey guys all this drama is getting to me and I need some time to clear my head if you could keep the emotional messages to a minimum I’d really appreciate that”. In addition, if this group continues to be super toxic and bad for you like you gotta go. It ain’t healthy to stay in a bad situation like this. You aren’t being the bad guy for stepping away for your health, you are just doing what is right and good for you.

In conclusion, I just want to say that I am so sorry this is happening to you right now. You don’t deserve to have to deal with all of this drama, and if you ever need someone to talk to, you can always come to me. To anyone: please don’t feel bad if you need someone to talk to and need to unload with me. If I’m not in the right mind space, I will be sure to let you know, but otherwise, just assume I’m always an open and ready ear. I think your next steps should be breaking up with L, disengaging from the group as much as you want/can, and trying to move on from them and these events. Again, L has clearly shown a lack of concern about your boundaries, and that’s just gonna escalate the longer you stay in that relationship. If you have any questions or need any clarification from me, please feel free to let me know, and I hope that somehow my rambles are able to help you.

#maddie mumbles #ask #anon #relationship advice #long post

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mona-rei-is-not-okay · 6 years

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Hello, hun. So here's my imagine for you: How would UT, MT Sans and the US and UF brothers (I'm sorry if I've exceed the character limit, feel free to choose any skeles you like in that case) react to an artistic s/o who has insomnia and they often spend the night sketching/sculpting/painting until the early hours of the morning, and the next time the s/o looks at the art peace they destroy it because it's a reminder that they lost another night to the insomnia? Who would try to stop/help them?

omg YOU’RE the sweetie ya sweetie

i just realized that i headcannon many of the boys as insomniacs jeezums but this is some unique prompt, holy carp i love

UT!Sans: At first, he’s really happy to know you’ve got a creative outlet. He has trouble with insomnia himself due to some reoccuring nightmares, so however and for whatever reason your insomnia manifests, he’s very supportive. He’s really proud of your creative endeavors, and often drapes himself over your shoulder to watch if you’re comfortable with it. He finds it soothing to see all that really cool stuff in your head gradually appear out of nothing.

He wonders where they all end up, of course, but he’s pretty sure the insomnia art is personal and he’s really not one to intrude on that sort of thing. The first time he catches you punching through a canvas, he’s more confused than anything else. He doesn’t know how you distinguish a good piece from a bad piece, but that portrait sure did look like a person. This worries him. He’ll wait until after you’re done and try to break the tension a little. “guess that portrait was a bust, eh? heh…”

Once you tell him why, he understands, but something about it feels wrong to him. He just can’t see your art as a product of a wasted night. If you gain some sort of catharsis from destroying your pieces, he sure as hell isn’t going to stop you, but his soul twinges whenever he sees you do it. Secretly, he starts looking up ways to start fighting insomnia and tries to open the topic to you. He can see how destroying the art might be harmful, and maybe if he expands your options you’ll start to keep them. In any case, he won’t try to directly stop you, but he will try to divert your coping mechanisms to something less… smashy.

MT!Sans: Your art is a breath of fresh air in his chaotic world. He also has trouble with nightmares, and will often stay up with you to watch you work or just read a book beside you. It does him proud to know his s/o finds such pure and creative ways to spend their time. Watching you is one of the few things in his life that’s truly peaceful, that makes him feel at home.

Which is why when he first catches you ripping up a sketch, he immediately snatches it up and asks what the actual heck you’re doing. He’s usually off doing jobs during the day, so he figured you were just stashing them somewhere when he wasn’t around. But this? It feels like sacrilege! Why would you destroy your own pieces?

Once you explain, he’s tempted to argue, but stops himself. Obviously he loves your art, it makes him think of you and the time you spent together when you made it. He never really considered that you might’ve had a more complicated relationship with your pieces, but it makes sense to him. Still, thinking about all those works being torn up or broken… it opens a void somewhere precious. One night though, something hits him. If you just want them gone, he might know a guy.

“‘ey doll, ever think of puttin these up for sale?”

UF!Sans: Color him impressed, kid. He’s the opposite of a creative type, so he doesn’t really know what’s good from what’s great, but you seem to have this stuff down to a T and he couldn’t be prouder. His night terrors and resulting insomnia is significantly worse than his Tale and Mob self, so he tends to come watch you for comfort after an episode. It’s almost surreal, the way are your art comes outta nothing like that. Sometimes it’s enough to help him wanna sleep again.

The first time he sees you smashing a small statue, he’s shocked and a little afraid. At first, he doesn’t connect the violence to the statue, and thinks something unrelated is making you angrily break things. And hey, he’s been there, but it still triggers a slight panic response. After taking a breath, he just gently swipes away the rubble of your statuette with magic and asks what’s wrong. He’s trying to formulate a short lecture in his head on how harmful getting into the habit of breaking things when you’re angry can be and how he can try to help you learn some better ways to cope, but then you tell him why you’re destroying your art specifically.

And he gets it. He really gets it. He’s broken some things that reminded him of times he’d rather forget, too. He checks your hands for any scratches or wounds from the clay, and treats them if he finds any. He’s not at all good with words, but if you’re comfortable with it, he’ll try to talk with you about his experiences with this stuff, and ways to work through the lack of sleep and the low moods and the urge to break the pieces. But he won’t try to stop you. In fact, those situations are some of the few times he’ll actually help you clean up a mess without complaining. He just wants to help you through it as well as he can.

UF!Papyrus: He loves your creativity. He’s not much of an artist himself, but he has quite an eye for detail and has a knack for finding that THING in a piece that’s bothering you, and offering gentle critique. And that’s nothing compared to how much he gushes to friends about you and your art. Everybody look at his wonderful artist s/o, they’re doing so much and so well! He has experience in supporting a loved one with insomnia from helping his brother, but he himself doesn’t have it. His sleep schedule is tight and short though, so he’ll likely catch you working in the wee hours of the morning sometimes and stop for a while to just… bask in your skill. He really admires your dedication, even though he’s concerned about your sleep schedule and will try to get you into daytime habits that’ll help you get in a couple more hours.

When he first sees you wrecking a pot you’d made, he panicks, swiftly lifts you out of reach of any breakable objects, and pulls you into a so-called “Calm-Down Squeeze,” in which he hugs you really tightly and hums a soothing tune until you either stop thrashing or soften your tone. His brother used to have a habit of wrecking things in anger, and he wasn’t about to lose another vase. Since you aren’t actually in a bout of rage, the Squeeze is short lived and he puts you down, tapping his foot and coolly asking for an explaination.

Once you tell him about your struggle, his finger, in the air and poised for a lecture, lowers. He didn’t expect to hear that it was about ridding yourself of a reminder. Edge can understand wanting to destroy the past, or wanting some sort of revenge against your issues. He’d felt that way for a long time, heck, he still felt that way sometimes. But maybe he could help you feel better? He starts with helping you with the mess, then tries to discuss better ways to deal with your resentment towards your sleepless nights. He’ll definitely try to get you to meditate with him more often, teach you some breathing exercises, and will likely start squirreling your pieces away after you’re done when he can, so that you don’t have to face them until you’re ready. And hey, now you’re familiar with the Calm-Down Squeeze and can have one whenever you need one!

US!Sans: He is immesurably proud of your artistic ability. He’ll probably try out some of some of your art mediums to support you, and try to get you to take classes with him to expand your artistic muscles together. He’s always wanted to tke up painting, but never seemed to get around to it until now. He’s not exactly an insomniac, but his sleep schedule isn’t exactly healthy. He pushes himself to stay up too late and get up too early, and though he can function well enough on little sleep, it’s still to his detriment. Seeing you struggle with insomnia and supporting you actually helps him admit to himself that he should be sleeping more, too.

When he first sees you ripping up a drawing, he assumes it’s due to some manner of art block. Goodness knows when he was particularly frustrated with a piece, he felt like destroying it, too. He figures that that plus and an extended lack of restful sleep didn’t mix very well. He sits beside you and touches your arm, asking if you’re okay.

Once you tell him what’s really going on, he’s a little surprised. He was pretty proud that you’d figured out a way to endure those nights, he always figured these pieces would remind you how well you survived, just like they remind him. He tells you that, but also that he won’t stop you from breaking the pieces, but he’d feel better if you looked into better solutions together. So now, every early morning while you’re awake, he tries to get you to meditate or paint with him while the sun rises, before you see that night’s piece again. He tends to hide them, but leaves one out every once in a while to test the waters. Art is just such an important part of what you do, and he doesn’t want it to act like a reminder of failure, when you use is so often to persevere.

US!Papyrus: He’s happy to see that you’re following your artistic passion. As a person that has had little to aspire to, seeing you tackle your work with such skill warms up a part of him that’s been been left mostly unattended. He’ll watch you work and ask questions about your technique, and offers pretty good criticsm if you ask. He has a way of letting you know what could be improved without making it sound like something’s really wrong with your piece. His insomnia doesn’t have anything to do with nightmares, but his anxieties drive him completely up the wall at night. As much as he wished you’d sleep more, he’s sorta glad that you’re awake during these times. Seeing you work gives him something to focus on when he feels like freaking out, and it can help him settle down after an attack.

When he finds you tearing up a painting, he doesn’t process exactly what you’re doing until he recognizes it as the painting from last night. He walks up and squeezes your shoulder, asking what it did to deserve that. When you explain, he shrugs. Makes sense to him that the process of creating would be helpful even when the creation reminds you only of the struggle. Shame about the canvas, though. Try to clean up after yourself if you’re gonna do that, okay?

But the thing is, now your works seem to just… disappear after you make them. At least the ones you make at night. If you ask Stretch, he’ll just shrug and say they’ll turn up eventually. He’s obviously squirreling them away somewhere, but he knows you won’t look for them. He just likes your art, and it’d be such a shame to waste the materials on something you’re just gonna break. Plus it’s satisfying for him to look at the end product of something he watched the making of. If nothing changes, he might never outright tell you that he keeps them. He’s also just a touch more active about trying to get you to come to bed. He realizes that it probably won’t do much, but maybe both of you could get an extra hour in edgewise if you were committed.

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mikeyd1986 · 7 years

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 74, October 2017

“Laughter, song and dance create emotional and spiritual connection; they remind us of the one thing that truly matters when we are searching for comfort, celebration, inspiration or healing: We are not alone.” The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (p. 118)

On Tuesday morning, Mum and I joined along with the local walking group at Balla Balla Community Centre in Cranbourne East. Even at 9.30-10am, the temperature was already rising up to the mid-20’s and I could feel myself starting to sweat down my back. We went for an hour long walk around Casey Fields reserve and back again. I was feeling a bit socially disconnected and emotionally flat today, though getting some exercise and being out in nature did help a little.

I guess life can get pretty overwhelming for me sometimes and I can really only handle looking into the future in short-term bursts. My biggest concern is trying to find a sense of belonging with others. Financially, I’m only just getting by at the moment and writing out lists of expenses has really helped me. I have to break everything down into small, manageable components when it comes to bills and payments that are due. I just have to take one day at a time and believe that I will get through this.

On Tuesday night, I went down to YMCA Casey RACE for a Water Workout class and some hydrotherapy. This time I decided to be more prepared and brought along a drink bottle. I also decided to split my time up evenly between the steam room, spa and sauna. Of the three. the sauna is hands down the most mentally challenging for me. I’m still not used to the conditions of 70-100 degree dry heat, feeling my heart-rate elevating and trying to keep myself relaxed and hydrated. I know my limits and 10 minutes was more than enough for me tonight. But with more regular visits, I’m sure that my body will tolerate the heat easier. https://www.livestrong.com/article/...

Tonight’s Water Workout class with facilitated by an instructor named Susie and it was packed with about 18 people participating. We used a combination of noodles and underwater dumbbells in parts of the class. I found it difficult keeping my balance and co-ordination in check tonight but I was still doing my best and laughing along with the rest of the ladies. We did the usual exercises of jogging, donkey kicks, rock ‘n’ roll, side and back kicks, jumping, running on the spot and push-ups on the edge of the pool. https://www.livestrong.com/article/...

On Wednesday morning, I had my Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. It’s not secret that I wasn’t myself today at all. Even with that false veneer on my face, it wasn’t enough to mask how I was truly feeling inside. Though I did receive a couple of friendly greetings from the trainers, my self-esteem was just far too low for it to make a positive impact on me. But I made the effort to be here so that’s something.

WARM-UP...Today I started with my Y-T-I stretches on the bench before massaging into the shoulders, lats and collar bones with the rubber ball. The awkward tension between myself and Luke had returned and I wasn’t coping well with it at all. In fact, my mind was having a field day (Why haven’t I got anything exciting to talk to Luke about? Clearly he must think I’m boring. He barely cracks a smile whenever he’s training me).

DEVELOPMENT...Today I worked on doing 5 rounds of 12 reps, dumbbell presses at 30kg as well as 5 rounds of 8 single arm rows at 22.5kg. I was struggling heaps today and my fragile mental state certainly wasn’t helping matters. I was getting myself really upset and frustrated especially after the third round or so. The fatigue in my arms was just too much to handle and I kept dropping the weights. It was embarrassing. I was thinking “What’s wrong with me today? I feel like a failure.” But the positive was that I kept trying over and over again until I finished those reps.

WORKOUT...Today I did a 10 minute AMRAP of the following exercises: 200m run, 5 ring rows, 10 push ups and 15 squats. I was already shaking and fatigued from the dumbbell presses that I really didn’t know how long I was going to last with this workout. It was another tough mental battle for me but I basically did what I could. I don’t think Luke knows exactly how to handle me whenever I’m feeling depressed like I was today. And it’s not his fault at all. Just wasn’t my best session today. Hopefully the next one will be better.

On reflection, perhaps Luke was right in saying that my performance wasn’t as bad as my negative mental state was making out. I really did nail my ring rows and squats during the workout. I think that I am gradually improving overall with the push-ups. I just think that I need more practice and more confidence in doing them. Hence why Luke decided to set me some homework in doing 3 rounds of 10 push-ups. It’s the only way I’m going to get better at doing them and not have so much fear about failing reps. https://www.facebook.com/breakawayf...

On Thursday lunchtime, I went to an RPM class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. There comes a point when I’m home by myself that I simply can’t cope and I physically need to get out of the house for the sake of my sanity. So I decided to do just that and gave myself some “me-time” at Casey Arc with half an hour of hydrotherapy and half an hour of RPM cycling. Considering how I’ve been feeling this week, I really need to look after myself better and implement self-care strategies back into my routine.

The RPM class was pretty small with only about 6-8 people but I wasn’t surprised being lunchtime. It was technically an express class...so five tracks instead of the usual seven or eight. But that’s also meant an increase in intensity. There were a couple of tracks that involved Interval Training (Chicane - Poppiholla) and some more easy ride/medium intensity tracks (Katy Perry - Teenage Dream). I could feel the burn in my knees, thighs and glutes pretty quickly today but I did what I could, averaging around 78-80 RPM. https://www.lesmills.com/workouts/f...

On Friday morning, I had my potentially last ever session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. Things started off on a high note. I walked into UFT PLAYgrounds with a positive attitude, feeling optimistic about today’s session and saying hi at the trainers as I got myself ready. But things quickly descended from there. I tried hard to explain to Luke what was on my mind but it felt like everything fell on deaf ears. He wasn’t understanding me at all and that’s not really his fault. Even I know how complicated and hard to figure out I am. I just set my expectations far too high and walked away feeling emotionally exhausted and misunderstood.

WARM-UP...So the start of my session actually went pretty well. I did various yoga stretches and holds for 2 minutes each including camel pose, cobra pose and scorpion pose. I reminded myself to breathe into the areas that were sore and embrace that discomfort. I decided to think about how ridiculous Kameron from the Real Housewives of Dallas looked in her bright pink vest and huge Louis Vuitton handbags which helped me to get through the pain.

DEVELOPMENT...Today I did 5 rounds of 12 front squats at 40kg. I was struggling a lot at the start as the bar kept slipping off my shoulders and put a lot of pressure on my wrists. And of course because I wasn’t doing it right, I started to get really hard on myself. Plus my mind was just overwhelmed by thoughts...mostly about what Luke thinks about me, whether I’m a good enough client, have I done anything wrong, does he even care about me. There’s been an obvious shift during the last couple of weeks and now I just can’t handle it anymore.

WORKOUT...Today’s workout involved a 100 calorie sprint on the assault bike. It was pretty tough but manageable. I wisely try to keep to a steady, consistent pace the whole time so that I didn’t burn out too quickly. As much as I was proud of this achievement, I still walked away from the session feeling empty and upset. I asked myself the most important question...”Is training with Luke doing my emotional well-being any good?” Nope!

So I basically decided then and there that I needed to take a break from him. It’s not his fault, it’s just not working for me anymore and I’m not enjoying it. Maybe I need to move on. Who knows? I’m not going to make any rash decisions right now. But I do know that continuing the way I am is not doing my mental health any good.

“So never look back, go where you're going to. I waited a lifetime for you. So cut me some slack, I wanna see all of you. I never hold back from the truth.” Liam Gallagher - I Get By (2017)

“There's no time for looking back. Thanks for all your support. Slow down, all things must pass. Take your time, know the score. It's not goodbye. So dry your eyes. Come rain or shine. I've all I need and more.” Liam Gallagher - I’ve All I Need (2017)

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