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sakuraryomen01 · 2 years

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Lost Lamb /OG Sukuna x Female Reader/ .10

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✧ Warning: Og Sukuna Ryomen, servant reader, Master x Servant, protector/predator x reader kind of relationship, basically a Sukuna fanservice chapter (more hot springs, wet muscles, showering, etc [ig].), reader trying out masturbation, sensual kissing, neck kisses, sensitive reader, sexual touching

✧ Reader: Female Reader

✧ Plot: A Master x Servant Fanfiction in which Sukuna, the king of curses, finds you snooping in his temple and he makes you pay for your crimes for the rest of your life..

✧ Words: 4.586k

fic masterlist :: .o1 .o2 .o3 .o4 .o5 .o6 .o7 .o8 .o9 .10 .11 .12

·A/n: Been feeling like the kiss has been prolonged long enough.. I hope you loved this series as much as I have!! Can't believe it's so close to being complete!! Also: there's a change I made.. can you spot it? (This will be pretty hard to guess but I'll give anyone that finds it a shout out!!)

♡ Thank you for reading this bit! Enjoy! ♡ . . .

That morning, you woke up to the sounds of a shower being run. Assuming it was the one down the hall, you sat up and rubbed your eyes. Trying to wake up and think about the events of last night.

Sukuna had come in last night to rest, joining you in his large bed and yawning deeply, before rolling over and hugging you close to his chest. You asked why he was holding you as his large arm flexed and practically warmed your entire body. Making your face heat up just the same as he huffed out a groggy reply.

"Just tired. Now, sleep." He said, his voice rough and tired. His extra arm lifted up the blankets to cover you both, adding more heat than there should be and flustering you over a simple movement.

He sounded so cute when he was tired..

Even after you fell asleep, the warm embrace of another was so much more comforting than the stuffed animals you had held for months. Not saying that they weren't good to have on a bad day, they were just as nice to hold, you just felt more at peace in Sukuna's arms. The warm embrace of his arms and body was full of comfort, but also something else.

Feeling his large and hot body behind you began the first of many nights full of lewd and sexual dreams. They were so detailed, so full if lust, that you woke up with a pooling of liquid between your thighs almost every morning. Today, thankfully, wasn't one of those days.

But still, the dreams were so confusing to you.

Why were they suddenly appearing? What caused them?

"Y/n? What are you doing up so early?" A rough voice echoed from the room's entrance.

You looked up to see Sukuna in all his glory. The same taut muscles that had small scars combined with tattoos on his skin. Thankfully, there was a towel wrapped around his middle, but there wasn't much leaving your mind to the imagination. You could still see Sukuna's v-line and the tummy mouth that licked it's lips every few moments. Sukuna looked so gorgeous, perfect— as if sculpted by the Gods.

"I had a weird dream," You replied, sitting up and crossing your legs. "It's nothing though, don't worry."

There was a moment of silence as Sukuna tried to figure you out. He knew that was a lie, without question. You looked nervous, skittish, and all around a bundle of nervousness. Was it him? Did he do something wrong? He hoped he didn't, he didn't want you to be nervous around him.

"Mm.. Very well," Sukuna said, calmly walking over and resting his bottom on his side of the bed. Quickly patting down his damp, pink hair, Sukuna took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

For the last few weeks, he had been thinking about something way too early. Something that made him blush but smile randomly if the thought crossed his mind.

Marriage.

It was such a random thing to think, to contemplate, to wonder about. It was far to soon too. You and him had barely begun your relationship but, Sukuna felt he didn't care. So what if it was too soon? Who was going to judge him for loving you eternally?

Sukuna wanted to ask now, more than ever, but he knew that would shake you. It was way too soon. He just needed to wait a little longer. His love for you wasn't going anywhere, so why must he worry himself.

That morning was like any other. You cooked and cleaned with Uraume, swept up the gardens and prayed for the soul buried underneath the shadows of the sakura tree. Even as you brought Sukuna additional clothing while he had his daily visit at the springs, you held your smile. It was so relaxing, to feel nothing but that blissfully elegant warmth in your tummy and heart.

This feeling always came with those comforting thoughts. That this shrine you once feared was now your home. That you lived here without a care in the world and the tragedy was just a stepping stone to your future endeavors. There was almost nothing that could ruin the life you had now. The good and the bad memories that you had were just the beginning.

So, as you made your way back into the shrine, you couldn't help but thank the Gods for your new life.

"Y/n, could you stay?" Hearing Sukuna voice from behind you, turning your head and seeing the object of your attraction. "It's rather boring to stay out here by myself."

You let out a small embarrassing squeak, feeling the warmth of your cheeks rise like they did a year and a half ago. But, even if it was embarrassing, you made your way back over to the warm waters of the springs. Undressing quickly before joining Sukuna in the waters, the rippling of the foaming liquid tickling your skin.

"There's my little human.." Sukuna muttered, the smile on his face hiding the secrets he was keeping behind it. "So small and plump.. Gods, I feel blessed to have you in my arms."

Those words made your body tingle with desire, the lewd images of Sukuna that had been clouding your mind at night coming back with a vengeance as you looked up at the large curse.

He was so close to you, hugging your small body to him like you'd shatter. Sukuna didn't even hide the fact he was letting his hands wander and drag over your body. Running his nails over your skin until his large hand came up to cup your small face.

His lower set of hands placed at your hips while the others held onto your cheeks, tracing his thumbs up and down your jaw. Sukuna's eyes pouring into yours, all the feeling and want that had been bottled up for months coming out as if to confess.

He wanted to kiss you so bad, to feel your soft lips and to suck on them. There was so much, why did he bother to hold back?

Because, Sukuna knew better.

You were far too innocent for such a perverted and hot kiss, something like that was to be waited on. Patience was something the King of Curses had learned over the last year and a half. Waiting a little longer wouldn't kill him, even though he wished dearly to just rush and kiss you.

Impatience was the enemy with this.. Patience is a friend..

"Anyways, how was your rest last night?" He asked, a calm smile on his face as he guided his large hands over your small body. "You seemed quite twitchy, nuzzling into me more than normal too."

"Oh, I slept well!" You lied, remembering fractions of your odd sex dream.

"Really, I'm fine!"

With a sigh, Sukuna turned a blind eye to your small lies. Pulling you close by your hips and washing your front, feeling his cheeks dust pink at feeling your small tummy.

Well, it was small to him at least..

After finishing up in the springs, Sukuna let you go once you had rinsed and dried off. He couldn't help but stare as you did so. Washing off the running water with his large and soft towel, rubbing the plush thing up and down your body. Letting the droplets collect on the fluffy fabric until there was none left.

Quickly, the curse shook his head, looking away from the sight and turning to the woods.

He couldn't make fantasies to think of later by watching you dry yourself..

"Ok, I'm heading inside, Sukuna," You said, alerting the male before bowing slightly and heading towards the shrine entrance.

The both of are you still too embarrassed to see each other undressed? Uraume found this adorable, watching from afar at your still flustered state. They thought you'd both just come to terms with everything right away.

Guess they were wrong.

Anyways, as you stepped into the clean throne room, taking a deep breath and exhaling, you headed towards your formal room and gathered your Moon Festival blanket. You loved it so much, you simply had to have it close by.

While you were hanging it up, Sukuna had entered clean and ready to get dressed, currently wearing a towel that was hanging around his waist. Your eyes locked for a solid second before you both turned back and focused on your current objectives. Though, hearing the closing and opening of drawers and such was a little too tempting..

One peek wouldn't bother anyone, right?

Glancing over your shoulder, you were rewarded with the wonderful sight of rippling muscles that flexed and practically rolled off each other easily. Black tattoos and small scars decorating perfectly tanned skin that seemed like a total dream and treat for the eyes. As yours trailed and searched every little part, Sukuna dropped his towel and you held back a small noise.

What was about to come out of your throat? It was so sudden, too..

There were two small dimples above his bare bottom, even the tattoos that trailed down seemed to be pointing at them.

Were you drooling? Didn't even know, you were more focused on the male currently looking for a new set of clothing to wear.

A large desire inside begged for him to just pounce on you and ravage your very soul. To make you cry with pleasure and to rip a part out for himself to swallow and devour. You wanted him to trace his large hands over your small body and tickle that space between your legs, to rub and tease and teach you how to use it.

Experimenting by yourself was no longer an option, it wasn't helpful.

Your fingers grazing between your folds and pressing your soft spots wasn't enough. You wanted— no, needed —more. How could you defile your own body knowing that it wouldn't be enough? It wasn't going to be enough; not compared to Sukuna.

His large and strong hands that knew so much more experienced and knew the body better. They could fill and touch things you'd only dreamed of, making you feel full before anything else entered. You wanted to feel and touch him too— to kiss and hold things that make you blush at night and fantasize.

There was so much to learn, a whole wonderland of new things to try and feel. Were you ready? Would you do well?

Would he want it too?

"Y/n, darling, you're drooling.."

Blinking a few times, you quickly cleaned your salivating lips as a hot blush filled your cheeks. There was no amount of embarrassment that fit the description of the word that was of equal status to this. You were caught drooling over your lover, admiring and practically mewling for more.

This was beyond embarrassment..

"I-I'm so sorry, Sukuna.." You mumbled, finishing your job and covering your eyes. "I'll leave you to dress by yourself! I didn't mean to bother..!"

Trying to escape from Sukuna and his unearthly body, to ignore and feed on your sexual depravity alone before a large set of hands grabbed you by the shoulders and yanked you back inside. Pulling you from safety of outside in the hallway and into the tense and hot room.

Was he upset? You didn't hope so, though something in you did.

"Y/n, were you looking at me while I was undressing?" Was the only thing that left his lips, his eyes unseen due to shadows and the dark light flickering through the curtains on his window.

You looked at the ground, listening to the slow creak of the door as it was closed shut by Sukuna's extra appendages.

You were dead. So dead. You weren't going to leave this room alive. Your entire life had led to this moment-

"Yes." You admitted, your voice quiet as you mumbled out a response. Shaking underneath the large curse's touch, you barely stuttered out your reasons or apolpgy.

"I-I didn't mean to, you j-just look so gorgeous unclothed. I'm s-so s-s-sorry for looking at you s-so disrespectfully. I sh-should be punished for m-my actions."

Sukuna's grip tightened, nails barely digging into your monk clothing. "Yes, you should be punished.."

Here it comes..

Closing your eyes, you held back a whimper as Sukuna released your left shoulder and let his nails graze against your jaw. Tracing your sensitive skin until he tilted your chin upwards and towards his dipped face. Your flushed little gasp when your eyes connected with his was amusing, a small noise that didn't even break the ice.

"But why?" His voice echoed, low and sweet. Like dark chocolate, Sukuna's voice held a bitter coo, though it was nice to hear.

"You were merely admiring my body for what it was worth. Simple things like this are common amongst lovers, aren't they? You should know this, you've read plenty of those sickly romance novels in your room late at night."

He was so close, your heart was going to explode. Sukuna's eyes gleamed and sparkled under the small slits of sunlight that barely managed to grace the room. Breathing wasn't even an idea as Sukuna's nose gently pressed against yours, your stomach sinking and bursting open with butterflies at the same time.

"I know you look at me, little lamb; don't be ashamed. It'd hurt to know that you would rather keep your admiration a secret.." Sukuna's arms practically propping you against the cold, stone wall as his eyes bore into yours.

The choking mewls in your throat spill in mere moments as Sukuna lowered himself to your level. Getting on one knee as his eyes devoured the very sight of you in all your small humane glory.

"..Then tell me you were so lustful for me."

You were hiccuping by now, feeling that large pit in your stomach return. So harsh.. So mean..

"Trying to play me for a fool, did you really think you could hide your little fondling moments?" Sukuna cooed, his voice dripping with lust and a small ounce of annoyance as his position only got closer.

"I could hear you all night. Mewling and whimpering as the scent of your arousal filled my nose. So dirty; doing such a thing next to me while I was asleep."

You thought you were in the clear. That you were safe. How could you be so stupid? Nothing got passed the King of Curses in his own bed.

The tension heightened, feeling Sukuna's grip on your shoulder grow stronger, making you wince as his eyes glared at yours. His snide smile quickly leaving once they saw your quivering lips, one thing only coming to mind as he got closer.

You were going to be punished— killed —for what you did..

But, that wasn't it.

Soft and warmth was what you felt pressed against you. What was it? Your eyes had shut quickly as Sukuna moved closer, the sudden warmth making you shudder.

Did he bite your throat? Was he currently devouring you?

Though, as you opened your eyes, you couldn't help but whimper in shock. He was.. kissing you.

The warm supple lips that you'd been dreaming of. The same ones that once barked orders and spat crude words, they were pressing against yours. Sucking and pushing you into the wall as his lips enveloped yours in a soft embrace. So gentle and loving, kind and soft.

It was heavenly.

"M-Mmn.. ah!" You mumbled, closing your eyes again as Sukuna continued pleasuring your lips. Letting his tongue and teeth graze and prod at yours, creating plump little indents in your skin as he tilted his head.

Sukuna let out a low groan that created a pool of fresh arousal in your underwear. The warm stickiness was the last thing on your mind as Sukuna lifted you from the ground and held you in his arms. Proudly letting you sit on his lower set's forearms as his hands squeezed as your plump body.

So much.. Too much..

The little noises, the soft touching, it felt too good. What was with you? You felt so vulnerable and sensitive, as if Sukuna's mere breath was enough to make your body crumble at his feet.

His kisses were becoming too much, feeling their hot touch against yours. Making your soul melt and reshape as if he was molding it anew himself. There was too much attention, it wasn't enough.

That knot in your tummy? It was growing, becoming stronger. Urges and desires slapping you into a twister of whimpering and mewling as Sukuna rested you on his bed. Rubbing and holding you down into the mattress like you'd fall, Sukuna's lips leaving yours only to go down and suck on your neck.

Something so new and different..

You felt his top set of hands pin yours to his neck as his bottom set lifted your legs and held your knees up to his hips. Sukuna's grasp on your hips and bottom made you feral, licking up his lips like it was a fine dessert and making him chuckle.

"Eager to please me, are you?" He teased, the rush of adrenaline this was giving him was intoxicating.

No. You were intoxicating.

That was why his blood rushed downwards, straight to them and all their naughty ideas. It fed and made their brain think of the lewdest and dirtiest things that Sukuna could do to you and her.

That little flower that he wanted to touch so badly.

To stroke and tease, to suck and lick, to press and pull. The thought alone was enough to make Sukuna hard; imagining how soft your plush walls would feel.

How they'd stretch to accommodate them and them alone. How tight and warm your insides would feel pulsing around his hard lengths and twitch when he'd pull out. Sukuna desired nothing more than to make you beg and plead for them, to worm your tight hole into submission.

So much was waiting for you..

"Hello? Sukuna?" Uraume's voice echoed from down the hall.

With a sudden twitch of annoyance, Sukuna growled. The both of you now resting on his bed, the sheets practically a mess as you rest underneath him. Your disheveled figure was so nice to look at, watching as your cleavage spilled from underneath your clothing, leaving Sukuna's boner twitching and throbbing dangerously.

Not one moment goes by when his life doesn't bite him in the ass..

"What, Uraume?" He growled, his breath coming out quickly. Sukuna's eyes trained on the bedroom door in hopes that Uraume didn't come in.

Thankfully, they didn't, but they explained the situation.

Apparently, there was a small band of village members coming to explain the terms of Sukuna's new pay agreement. It had been a while since he notified the villages that he decided to change his agreement.

So, with a heavy heart, Sukuna sighed and stood, watching the sadness flood your face at the sudden contact loss. The King smiled, looking down at you and running a hand across your cheek, kissing your forehead.

"Don't worry, we'll get to finish this little.. experiment some other time, lamb," Sukuna said, the tease in his voice making your heart flutter. "For now, try and relax and enjoy a warm meal with Uraume while I conduct business."

You gave a slow nod, the feeling in your body starting to return as Sukuna walked out the door. Closing it until a few minutes later, Uraume came in with a tray of piping hot green tea, and some additional treats and snacks.

"They are strawberry tarts," The monk informed, chewing on one of the soft, powdered desserts. "I make them for myself quite often. I have a bit of a sweet tooth for these things."

"That's neat, I want to make some for Sukuna later," You said, also eating from the small bowl next to the teapot. "Could you teach me?"

"Maybe some other time. For now, relax."

. . .

As he sat atop his throne, Sukuna's maroon eyes gleamed with a dark glare down at the villagers. Their terror of him still being his favorite past-time, he sat with a smile.

"Time to discuss our new arrangements, yes?" The curse chuckled, sensing the shivers sent down their spines.

Scaring people is still so fun..!

"Y-Yes.." The group's leader mumbled, standing up on shaky legs and stepping forwards. "W-We have a list of the items we could give you every month as payment.."

"I see," Sukuna said, the sneer on his face never leaving as the small human got closer. The smell of fear was thick in the air as the man handed Uraume the list for him to read later.

"Well, I'll visit some time next month with my answer. You may leave."

Just as quickly as they entered, they left. The slam of the shrine's door echoed throughout the large temple as Uraume handed Sukuna the large scroll.

It was a simple leather-cased one, like many Sukuna's seen before, with black ink for the writing. The list was filled with types of cattle like sheep, cows, and pigs, while the items were gold, or treasure that their adventurers would collect from travels. All the things Sukuna didn't really need.

Whatever, I've canceled plenty of deals before.

"Never mind them," Sukuna said, shredding the list before him with a few easy tears. "I don't mind their cattle or jewels; they can be replaced."

"Of course," Uraume said, bowing and heading down the throne's stairs. The clacking of bones under their feet as they descended them until they reached the cool, marble floor.

The quiet pattering of feet being heard as Sukuna's subordinate left, heading towards the kitchen. Probably to begin dinner..

"Oh well, I've been a little hungry anyways."

After entering the dining hall, Sukuna sat at his spot at the end of the table. Patiently waiting for you to come scurrying in with your little monk outfit and a flushed smile on your face. Sukuna gaining one of his own at the thought of you, flustered and warm.

He could barely help holding himself back whenever he saw you. Earlier was an even harder time to try; thankfully though, it ended quickly just as soon as it started. Being the his safer headspace, Sukuna agreed with himself that this was far better.

Being near you and not in you for now would satisfy him greatly.

"Sukuna, dinner is ready," A voice cooed from the entryway. It was you, of course. "We're not going to have as big of a dinner, if that's fine?"

"It's fine, as long as you prepare it," He said, the smile still on his face as your cheeks tinted a rosy pink. So cute..~

You gave a short bow, heading off into the kitchen— Sukuna assumed, to help Uraume. It wasn't long until you and your former colleague came into the room with a few plates. Some full of chicken balls topped with a spicy sauce and bits of cheese, and others where little salads with different kinds of vegetables.

There was one plate, however, that was filled with small tarts.

The dusted desserts looked delicious, Sukuna couldn't wait to try them. Though, every time he'd attempt to grab one, you or Uraume would swat at his hand and tell him they were for after he finished his meal.

"Don't slap me again!" Sukuna ordered, looking at Uraume with furry and annoyance.

"Don't try and eat one of the tarts again!" They retorted, the same fire and annoyance burning in their eyes. "Dessert never goes before dinner!"

You were giggling like a child on your side of the table, having already finished your meal a while ago and enjoying the little tithe between them. Even as the night went on, Sukuna still attempted to snatch a dessert only to get a swat from the white and red haired little monk.

Soon though, the large cursed spirit finished his meal and began devouring the little treats. The powder covering his fingers and face as if he was a kid in a candy store. You couldn't help but smile, watching the glutton enjoy the snacks.

The ones you had prepared while Sukuna was away.

Feeling proud you had finally finished a personal snack you had made, you decided it'd be best to go to him. He loved sweets just as much as you and you felt it was only a good thing to do. Besides, you could always make more for him and you if there was ever any need for them.

Maybe I'll make some later on tonight?

"Finished?" You asked as Sukuna finally cleaned his face off, forgetting the powder covering his chest and collarbone.

He gave a nod after cleaning up and stood, staring down at the plates as Uraume moved to collect them. Though, as if he was going to say something, stopped short and just shook his head. Leaving the dining hall quickly and heading towards his room. You stayed behind for a while to help with dishes and cleaning before going to your new room.

"What's mine, is yours now, Y/n."

You bumped into Sukuna on his way to the showers, blushing almost immediately as you both waved and continued to where you were going. Getting changed into some nightwear, you climbed into Sukuna's large bed and waited for him patiently as he showered. Though, something inside you was stirring up again, the need to touch.

But I can't! Sukuna's going to come into the room at any moment!

He's not going to mind.. That little devil on your shoulder whispered, a weak throb beginning to take place in your core. Sukuna is showering right now, he'd take forever before getting back to the bedroom..

The thoughts of Sukuna in the shower made the weak throb turn into a bigger pulsation, your aching body wanting attention as you continued to imagine.

Sukuna's pink hair and the way it'd stick to his forehead when damp. How his muscles looked all slick with water, the tattoos painted into his skin and the glimmer they'd give off. As the thoughts continued, your hand began to explore.

Going down, down down.

Rubbing your inner thighs as your eyes closed, spreading your legs little by little as your fingers began to trace over that little button you'd learned a while ago. Rubbing circles around it, imagining it was Sukuna's finger instead..

or his tongue.

"Nghh.." You mewled, covering your mouth quickly and whimpering against it.

Wanting your hand to be Sukuna's tongue was something you never thought of until now! Why so sudden?!

But, it was so.. good. To think about Sukuna's face flushed between your thighs, licking and kissing your tummy and skin as if to decorate it. The low noises of your wetness continued to grow, only a few mewls or moans leaving you in the short time frame.

"Ha.. ah! S-Sukuna.. mmn..!"

Your fingers moved furiously, trying to reach that little spot inside that'd make you finish. Images of your lover spurring you on as those final thoughts of Sukuna and them entered the threshold. How large and soft they were.

Thinking of Sukuna entering you and teasing her, playing with your sensitivity until you finally finished. Your body is shaking and your thighs are weak, fingers covered in your warm slick. But then..

There was a creak.

A hum.

And then finally, a low and amused chuckle.

"Y/n, what are you doing?"

a/n:: I wanted to add some sort of a sexual scene before I finally create it, to kind of ease you all into it, i guess you could say. i hope you enjoyed the spicy part regardless and are ready for the next one! it's going to be fun writing it, and testing out a new way of writing 18 content is always fun for me ^^

. . .

Chapter Theme Songs: — Love & War - Yellow Claw (Remix) (feat. Yade Lauren)

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taglist for Lost Lamb:: @okkotsufav, @gojoscprsaviour, @cafeinthemoon93, @im-a-killer-queen, @lucyrocks86, @pulchritxde, @watermelon-online, @xx-intothevoid-xx, @taetropchou, @pipopeew, @noblemaidenheart, @aepinkoutsold, @tojidilfs, @mageyboo, @zatrinaxxx, @north-st4r, @itadowriii, @pulchritxde, @kawaiipenguin20, @bontenbunny, @delphinefrancis, @tsupi, @hxlalokidottir, @satoritendoucultsacrifice, @justanotherj9, @amigoferal3, @vampirebloodfallen, @hail-homucifer, @xeno-fond, @k-indie, @mzladyd, @agirlisnow, @xxnghtclls

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insideliascrazyhead · 10 months

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Oya High Headcanons 2

Fujio:

-has no secrets from his mom whatsoever Miki Hanaoka knows everything.

-when one doesn´t show up to Oya High he searches them and „stumbles into them“ to check on them

-cookie dough lover

-totally a roses kinda guy

-has a sneaky tattoo hidden somewhere

-unintentionally hilarious

-himbo energy in the sweetest way possible

-sucker for the worst sugary sweet romance movies

-future barkeeper in the making

-can´t handle horror movies

-would totally be a unintentional insta model

-so sweet as if sugar is a damn person and you wait for the red flag but there ain´t one red flag

-is totally a happy crier

-heavily encourages in them showing up at Oya High even on vaccation-drops into the other schools for visits whenever he feels like it after he force adopted them into his found family and behaves like he lives there and no one would kick him out anyways

-befriends every adorable animal out there and names them too

Tsukasa:

-petty revenge kinda guy

-ice cream enthusiast

-he and Yasushi have some petty shit that happened in their childhood or early teens and that´s why they have that kinda relationship with each other

-they also lived nearest to each other and through thin walls,Tsukasa learned a lot about Yasushi that the other doesn´t want anyone to know with his shitty homelife so he treats Tsukasa the way he does to keep him at distance

-manga enthusiast

-wants to travel the world

-now deadly afraid of heights

-probably plays the piano

-is a great cook but to lazy to do so

-will have a self discovering phase latest point in university

-will one day punch Amagai straight to the face when he least expects it and call him a dickhead

-fanfic reader

Yasushi:

-adrenaline junkie

-will get back up in each fight unless unconciouss.breaks his ribs?!Oi Tsukasa!How many ribs does a human have?!12!Great 11 more to go then.

-rather dies than speak about his emotional state which resambles a dumbster that´s on fire and someone stored fireworks in said dumbster

-he will get a shit ton of tattoos,piercings when he´s older

-Yasushi would be a tattoo artist,piercer or anything in body modification where he get´s paid to create pain in the future

-this man is the definition getting a hug and will exclaim what is that?!affection.Ew disgusting!Do it again.But Kiyoshi only and selected people only.

-crazily forgetfull,Kiyoshi at 2 am at some grocery store?forgotten. No ones able to reach him?His phone´s lying in the fridge or in a fruit bowel.UNDER the fruits.No idea how it got there.

-shoul´ve been a leash kit but wasn´t

-says he has no fear but actually just doesn´t stop and think if fear would be reasonable right now

-Hyuga would upon meeting yasushi try to adopt him.

-bites people for sure until it draws blood

-so heavily codependant on Kiyoshi that his biggest fear is Kiyoshi getting sick of him and leaving him

-when he´s angry he crashes a whole ass room

-will go to jail for a short time eventually

-i also believe his headinjury left some kinda damadge

-highest metabolism seen to mankind

-uses Playboy deodorant and parfum each and every day and randomly mixxes them

-hates kids

-wanted to be a rockstar once

Kiyoshi:

-wearing colorful hawaii shirts on a regualr base in whatever occasion because he literally own nothing else then those.

-probably uses Axe body spray not gonna lie

-mommy issues

-Yasushi is the number one test object for any future beautician shit he´s gotta learn

-he and Yasushi drunkenly made out once

-horrible dancer,broke someones nose during dancing once

-loves electro music where Yasushi complains that he would only hear the rythm in that shit when he pops a few colorful pills which also clashes badly with Yasushis love for death metal

-when Yasushi had his head injury,Kiyoshi woke him up religiously to check on him,and first Yasushi thought it´s hilarious then threatened to knock Kiyoshi out later on what still didn´t stop him.

-he and Yasushi behave domestic as fuck outside of Oya but in their own crazy way they´re gonna live together one day for sure

-once colored Yasushi´s hair accidentally neon green instead of blonde

-mega petty prank wars with Yasushi

-faints at the sight of needles

Todoroki:

-encourages heavily in revenge.always get your revenge kids.

-still collects photographs occasionally of his victims

-camping trips to fish with Odajima

-has a feral inner chaos gremlin he let´s out in form of instigating little petty fights around Oya

-petty as fuck and he forgives but never forgets -mint chochlate chip ice cream enthusiast

-hella protective of Shibaman and Tsuji not that he´s gonna tell anyone oh and now he threw Odajima into the mix too.

-speaks at least 3 languages

-kinda rich

Shibaman:

-Shibaman´s sister adopted Tsuji by now and Todoroki adopted her

-his sister?Just like Fujio´s mom knows everything about everyone and otherwise

-he rants to her when they cook together

-absent parents

-his sister is crazily overprotective and he needed to stop her from „teaching that Amagai brat manners of respect in fighting“

-she also normally patches him and Tsuji up after fights

-he and Tsuji normally stay at Shibamans

-future nightclub owner Haitani style

-not nearly as grumpy as he seems,instead he gives kinda cinnamon roll vibes

Tsuji:

-festival and concert lover,where he obviously with goes with Shibaman

-their and the Yasu-kiyo faction are not allowed to accept dares cause no idea of personal safety and well being

-future DJ in Shibaman´s nightclub

-crazy chaotic

-the grumpy one out of the two of them instead

-they´re also hella protective over Todoroki and each other

Nakaoka:

-doesn´t like instects at all and screams if they land on him

-loves fast and tuned cars

-doodles everywhere

-loves comedy

-doesn´t like kids

-can´t handle spices whatsoever

Nakagoshi:

-pranksters

-likes to paint

-into books and poetry

-loves extra spicey food

-playboy and everyone wants to know why he is so great with chicks

-it´s because he treats them like humans and not aliens

-can play the guitar

Jamuo:

-will be a comic artist or in video game design -he can fight decently -hella proud of bitch slapping Yasushi

-literally lives of caffeine

-contains a little feral gremlin energy

-probably read some psychology books

-still flinches whenever he´s alone with Yasushi and he´s well...Yasushi

-sleeps with a knife under his pillow

-so sarcastic it physically hurts

-gonna be married first

#high and low #high and low the worst #high and low headcanons #oya high #headcanons #oya kou #hanaoka fujio #tsukasa takajo #jamuo #todoroki yosuke #shibaman #tsuji #nakaoka #nakagoshi #nishikawa yasushi #kiyoshi

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callsign-bunnie · 1 year

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Why Can’t I Be More? - Chapter 12

"Rodolfo couldn’t. He was desperate to, terrified Alejandro would make good on his promise if he didn’t but… god, he was so tired. He was ready to finally just sleep for once. “I love you…” He mumbled and this body just felt peace. He’d finally done it. He’d finally said it.

“Rodolfo, I… Please… I love you too… Please just stay…”

“Rodolfo please…”

“Rodolfo I love you, please…”"

Their last six days of vacation had been spent with little event. Alejandro fixed up some things that needed to be done around the ranch and Rodolfo existed with little to no expectation. They didn’t have sex, but that wasn’t too shocking.

Instead, Rodolfo would rest on the couch and then Alejandro would be there, laying on him or grabbing him and pulling him into his lap. Or Rodolfo would be in the kitchen, cooking himself or both of them something, and Alejandro was there, his arms around his waist and swaying them both to romantic music that Alejandro insisted on having playing in the background.

They’d play cards at the coffee table and when Alejandro would lose, he’d pout and demand a kiss as a consolation for losing. When he’d win, he’d demand one in reward for winning. Rodolfo gladly gave them, he enthusiastically gave them.

And, each night, Rodolfo slept in Alejandro’s bed, not the guest bed. Alejandro had been rather insistent on that one, even if Rodolfo didn’t need to be convinced. They woke up in the mornings tangled together, unable to differentiate their own bodies without moving them.

Even still, there was worry in the back of Rodolfo’s mind. Fear that they were going to revert as soon as they went back. Why wouldn’t they? Alejandro didn’t love them, this wasn’t love. He wasn’t sure what it was and maybe he could allow himself to delusionally call it love but… his heart wasn’t ready for that step, yet.

But then they returned to work and it didn’t end.

Returning to work had been difficult, Rodolfo would admit. Even without the fear of going back to strained, tense neutrality hanging over his head, it was hard to come off of vacation. Paperwork and stresses and the cartel… All of it loomed over him like a heavy cloud he wasn’t ready to have to acknowledge, yet.

But, Rodolfo had returned. He’d returned first, since they had a day between them, and for the first part of his day, he’d been borderline lethargic, just taking beginning of year paperwork to his office and starting to take care of it.

But, then, around 11:00, he’d felt a little buzz on his wrist. It had brightened the world, just a little, and he’d more than happily pressed the corner to send a buzz back. Then he’d gotten a little emoji with heart eyes on his watch and he couldn’t help just melting because Alejandro was a bit of a dork, but he was so so sweet.

And he was so sweet to Rodolfo.

In fact, randomly throughout the day, Rodolfo’s wrist would buzz and it was Alejandro. Whenever he’d press the watch to send a buzz back, he’d receive a random emoji in response, something cute, like a flower or even a bee.

It made Rodolfo’s heart melt into a little puddle of goop each time. He wasn’t even sure he’d ever need love because this was pretty fantastic on its own.

But, again, the next day, he had that same worry that Alejandro was going to revert back to normal. They would continue to be just friends and the sweet little things would stop and Rodolfo would go back to feeling cold every night.

Rodolfo had, again, spent his entire morning with this worry over his head, making him anxious and upset. Then, he’d come over to clear some papers from Alejandro’s desk and Alejandro was tugging him down and kissing him sweetly. He may have groped him just a little, but it was in a way that was clearly meant to be playful and Rodolfo had laughed and swatted him afterwards, receiving a cheeky grin.

Rodolfo knew, then, that things were not back to normal and they probably wouldn’t be for, at least, a small while. He stopped obsessively straightening papers, he didn’t find himself spiraling when Alejandro’s tone was slightly off. Slight sadness didn’t have a one hundred percent chance of breaking him down into a full depressive episode.

Instead, he would go to Alejandro when bad feelings got brought up. He wasn’t comfortable enough to share his bad feelings, but he would let Alejandro distract him with soft words and touches, kisses and occasionally paperwork. Or memories from their childhood.

Of course… bad feelings never fully go away. They just evolve. Sleepless nights turned into night terrors. Alejandro still would get angry and it was never even necessarily at Rodolfo and he’d find himself terrified that this would be the thing that rips Alejandro away from him.

If they went too long without talking, his mind started to tell him that it was over. The domestic almost love was ending and they were going to revert back to before. That he was losing Alejandro and Alejandro would return to just ignoring him, only coming to him when he needed something.

But, then, it would go away at night. Alejandro would find some excuse, every night, as to why he had to sleep in Rodolfo’s bed. Every night it was something new (and honestly usually very silly) but Rodolfo didn’t mind it at all. Half the time, Alejandro would just come in and manhandle him into a cuddling position and he’d immediately feel better. Secure.

Maybe it wasn’t love, yet. Maybe they weren’t romantic. But Alejandro was making it pretty clear that he wanted Rodolfo and Rodolfo was willing to accept that. Rodolfo could settle with this, if he wasn’t allowed to have anything else. He could.

Rodolfo nodded at the bartender as he ordered his drink, which was just a soda. Alejandro was being dropped off by Alvarez, who was going to a separate bar to apparently meet up with a date. Some young woman she hadn’t shut up about since securing it. That meant he’d have to drive them back.

Honestly, he didn’t mind too much about Alvarez’s rambling. He’d had a rough week so her occasionally repeating the same details about the date had been a welcome distraction.

Actually, the week had been stressful for both him and Alejandro. It was the last week of January and it had been… not good. More of the Drug Raids had been busts than successful and they’d lost several recruits in the process. This had gotten Alejandro progressively worked up, which had led to that morning when they’d had a fight.

Not as big as they used to, granted, but… it’d been bad enough that Rodolfo had found himself feeling gross and sticky afterwards. In fact, his hair was still slightly damp from a shower. So, Alejandro had, very nicely all points considered, asked if they could go out that night. Reset, since it was Saturday.

Rodolfo had decided it was probably a good idea, though neither were planning to really drink. Alejandro was finally starting to admit he may have a slight problem, so they’d decided no alcohol that night. He was just hoping for a pleasant night that they could relax on.

However, Alejandro was slightly late. He was supposed to get there before Rodolfo, though not by much, but Rodolfo had already arrived and he was not there. He was doing his best not to get super anxious, telling himself that Alejandro wouldn’t stand him up. Maybe Alvarez was the late one.

It wasn’t in Alejandro’s character to just stand him up. Even when Alejandro was his less than thoughtful self, he had usually let Rodolfo know he wasn’t going to be somewhere, because Alejandro hated when others just did that.

However, what the brain knew, the heart did not, so he was anxious anyway, tapping his fingers on the bar as he waited for his drink.

“Hey, alone?” Rodolfo frowned as he heard someone speak and looked over, greeted with a slightly tall man, though not as tall as Alejandro, who was wearing a blue shirt and black jeans. He was leaning against the bar, clearly trying to be flirty.

Rodolfo shook his head. “No, I’m waiting for my friend.” Rodolfo could not handle flirty situations, he was not good with them. So, he was internally willing the bartender to hurry up. He knew it was busy and they seemed to have several drinks, so he wasn’t too irritated, just praying they would hurry.

“Ah, I see. Just saw you up here and thought I would regret it if I didn’t come say hello.” The stranger continued. “You seemed lonely.”

“I’m not, don’t worry.” Rodolfo smiled, awkwardly. “Just waiting on someone.” He knew if didn’t be polite, he’d probably be told off for being rude, so he just continued to smile and pray they would just go away or his drink would finish and he could leave.

However, thankfully, it just went silent and he looked down at the bar, tapping his fingers again. God, where was Alejandro? Thankfully, the bartender finally handed him his drink, apologizing, and he just shook his head, getting out cash to pay for it.

“So, your friend is taking a while, huh?”

Rodolfo looked up at the ceiling, having been about to sip his drink. He closed his eyes and took in a breath, about to turn and tell them off. However, before he got the chance, he was being shoved behind someone.

“He’s not interested, back off.” Rodolfo relaxed at hearing Alejandro’s voice and relaxed, glaring around him at the stranger.

“My bad, sorry.” The stranger raised his hands, defensively, and then finally turned and walked away.

Then, Alejandro turned and gently nudged Rodolfo to a table, which Rodolfo gladly moved to. However, as they sat down, he noticed Alejandro seemed very tense, occasionally glaring across the bar at the stranger.

Alejandro shook his head. “Assholes. Sorry I’m late, Alvarez decided, last minute, that her outfit wasn’t good enough and it apparently became this whole conundrum so I had to sit and help her find an outfit.”

Rodolfo couldn’t help laughing softly. “It’s alright, I’m just glad you’re here, now.” He noticed Alejandro was wearing the jacket he’d gotten him and that made him feel all soft inside.

“So am I. I regret sending you alone.” Alejandro glared across the bar again and Rodolfo couldn’t help blushing. Was… Alejandro jealous? There was no way. Alejandro had never gotten jealous when Rodolfo had been flirted with, before.

Granted, not many examples came to mind. Rodolfo wasn’t usually the type to figure that stuff out until later, not during the actual event. However, even still, Alejandro was acting fairly pissed. “Are you okay?” He asked, tentatively.

“Hmm? Yeah, I’m fine.” Alejandro looked at him again and then shook his head. “About to break someone’s fucking nose if they glance back at you again.”

Alejandro was jealous. Rodolfo’s heart skipped a beat. He was jealous because someone had flirted with Rodolfo. Oh, what was this new feeling? “You look upset,” he smiled, unable to help how happy he was.

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” Alejandro accused, clearly teasing, and Rodolfo had to duck his head, embarrassed.

“Maybe a little.” Rodolfo admitted. This was new… No one had ever been jealous over him. Certainly not Alejandro, who he most wanted to be. The idea of Alejandro being… well possessive over him had him high in the clouds, soaring.

Alejandro, however, just shrugged. “I’m not afraid to admit that I did not like the way they looked at you. Maybe I’m being possessive, but I like to think I’ve claimed you. You’re mine.”

Rodolfo’s face went dark red and his hands had to grip at the edges of his seat. That made his stomach flip in odd ways. Fuck, Alejandro really knew how to get to him in the best ways. He looked down at his drink, biting his lip hard. Then, he gasped and had to release it as pain and the taste of blood filled his mouth. “Ow…” He winced, relaxing.

Alejandro frowned and took Rodolfo’s face, touching his lip with his thumb. Rodolfo winced at the light pain it caused. “You need to be more careful.”

“Sorry.” Rodolfo mumbled, swallowing as Alejandro ran his thumb over his lip and then let his face go. Rodolfo leaned back again, trying to get a handle on his blush. “You shouldn’t make those comments in public. What if someone hears?”

“I could care less, anymore.” Alejandro shrugged. “What are they gonna do? I’ll just beat their ass. The higher ups had made it clear that we are on our own, so I will have little to no repercussions, if they even find out who I am.”

“Wait, what?” Rodolfo frowned, sitting up immediately. “What do you mean?”

Alejandro sighed and shrugged. “They’re saying Las Almas is a lost cause. We are on our own. They’ll still factor in our budget and occasionally approve repairs, but they’re no longer sending us recruits or taking any. If they enlist in Las Almas, they will remain in Las Almas. They called me on actual fucking Christmas. Said they were sorry to inform me. We are still required to do the paperwork, and to Las Almas we are still a unified front but… they’re abandoning us in every other regard. Of course, they didn’t exactly say that. Just… listed off exactly what they would not be doing, anymore. Merry Christmas, I fucking guess.”

Rodolfo frowned, unsure how to feel about this. “They can’t just do that. There’s gotta be laws or… something. They can’t just leave Las Almas to the dogs.”

“They can. It’s… honestly fucking stupid, how.” Alejandro shook his head. “Because there’s still a line of communication and they’ll still be doing things here and there, they can get away with it. It’s bullshit, but I can’t do anything about it.”

Rodolfo went quiet. He wondered if that’s why Alejandro had changed. Had he just… stopped caring? He wouldn’t complain, he was getting what he wanted, but this news about Las Almas was earth shattering. “What if the cartel spreads?”

“It won’t.” Alejandro shrugged. “They’ve made it clear they plan to stay in Las Almas.”

Rodolfo was quiet. “Fuck.” He sighed. “Well, I guess it’s just up to us now.”

Alejandro was quiet and then he relaxed, smiling. “I guess it is.”

Rodolfo looked back down at his drink, now regretting choosing not to drink anything. But, he was going to stick to it. So, he just leaned back in his seat and sighed, softly. Nevermind, fuck this. He shook his head. “I’m getting something stronger, do you want anything?”

Alejandro nodded. “Just a soda.”

Rodolfo nodded a bit, grateful. He did not have the capacity to keep an eye on both of their drinking that night. So, he went up to the bar, getting himself a much stronger drink and Alejandro’s soda. The bartender was much faster this time and so Rodolfo was able to quickly sit back down.

Alejandro thanked him for his drink when it was handed to him and Rodolfo just nodded, taking a drink of his own. “I haven’t told the rest of Los Vaqueros yet… I’m… honestly not sure how.”

Rodolfo shook his head. “Don’t. I.. morale is so low, already… I worry what will happen. Just don’t for now. We can tell them, eventually.” He reached over and took Alejandro’s hand. “We’ll tell them together.”

Alejandro looked down at their hands before softening and nodding. “Together. Always together.”

“Always together.” Rodolfo agreed.

Rodolfo ended up only having the one drink before both decided they were tired and wanted to go home. However, Alejandro ended up driving. Rodolfo still wasn’t entirely sure how Alejandro convinced him on that one, because his nerves were shot. Every bump, every swerve… “I should have just driven…” He mumbled.

“Absolutely not.” Alejandro laughed, shaking his head and finally parking at base. “Your drink was 90% alcohol.”

Rodolfo made a face. “I think that I still could have missed half of the potholes rather than none. You know, you’d think the cartel would put some effort into fixing potholes considering they want to act like they’re trying to help the people or whatever.”

Alejandro chuckled, softly, and got out of the truck, answering once Rodolfo was also out. “They’d have to be actually trying to help the people, though.”

Rodolfo shook his head, sighing softly, and following Alejandro into the base. “I suppose I can’t complain too hard about your driving… We made it back in one piece.”

“Exactly!” Alejandro grinned. They made it to Alejandro’s quarters and Rodolfo smiled when Alejandro pushed open his door, looking at Rodolfo. It wasn’t an order, it was a question. Rodolfo didn’t have to answer it, he could go back to his own quarters. But, Rodolfo went in, anyway.

Why wouldn’t he?

Rodolfo panted as he finally made it up the stairs, rushing out the door and onto the roof. This time, thankfully, Alejandro wasn’t there not because he just didn’t follow, but because Rodolfo had been faster than him. It was amazing what getting enough sleep did to the body.

“Fuck…” He breathed, taking a moment as the light hitting the roof almost blinded him, causing him to have to shield his eyes with the back of his arm. He saw the man he’d been tailing leap over the edge of the roof and he quickly ran over, his stomach turning at seeing his body on the ground beneath them, his limbs at odd angles.

Immediately, he whipped around, praying that at least Valeria had stayed on the roof. Sure enough, he saw her straight across the roof, looking over it. He knew Valeria well enough to know she wasn’t that risky or that suicidal. The fact she’d even ran to the roof was shocking enough to him.

“Valeria!” He called, “you’re trapped! Just give up so we can both call this a fucking day!” He was irritated. He didn’t want to have to fight her again, he just wanted to arrest her so they could question her and then maybe she’ll just disappear, Rodolfo hadn’t fucking decided yet. “You and I both know you’re not jumping.”

Valeria slowly turned to him. Even at this distance, he could make out a scheme in her eyes. He didn’t like that look on her face, it had never ended well for them. It ended with them running from guard dogs after some failed plot she had cooked up. It ended with extra drills because she ran her fucking mouth after she just had to tell the funny joke she’d thought up.

She smiled, putting her hands up, her gun in her left. “I guess you’re right, Rodolfo! Even if you don’t get me, Alejandro is on way up here now, and I surely can’t fight the two of you on my own!”

Rodolfo frowned, knowing this was too easy. Valeria wouldn’t give up like this. Not the Valeria he knew. No, she was scheming and he had the feeling he was going to bear the brunt of it. However, he still moved forward to make the arrest.

Before he could even take three steps, Alejandro was bursting onto the roof, his eyes meeting Rodolfo’s. Valeria’s gun pointed at his back, immediately, and Rodolfo panicked, backing up and stopping. “Valeria-” he warned.

Alejandro stopped and closed his eyes, his mind clearly catching up to the situation. Rodolfo quickly turned his own eyes to Valeria and she was grinning. He wasn’t sure if he could say this was according to plan or not, but they’d just given her an ace card somehow, and he wasn’t sure if he could gather his own fast enough.

“Valeria, don’t do this.” Alejandro’s voice was even, the exact distance between them that both Rodolfo and Valeria would be able to hear him perfectly. “Just give yourself up.”

“We both know that won’t be happening!” Valeria laughed. “Hello, Alejandro. It’s been such a long time.” She sneered, shaking her head. “I thought you might have forgotten about me.”

“How could I?” Alejandro clenched his jaw, opening his eyes again and meeting Rodolfo’s. Rodolfo wasn’t sure he could remember how to breathe. He knew she couldn’t shoot Alejandro, how could she? She wouldn’t… right?

“I think you’re right, I’m rather hard to forget.” Valeria shrugged. Rodolfo tried to plead with his eyes for her not to do this, afraid to speak or he’d say the wrong thing.

Alejandro snorted. “Like a rotten tooth.” He muttered. “It was relieving to have you gone.”

“Always so poetic. Do you use this poetry on Rudy?” Valeria taunted, stepping forward and putting her gun right on Alejandro’s back. She muttered something to him and Rodolfo could see Alejandro’s face light up with rage before she was laughing and backing up again.

Rodolfo didn’t find himself curious about what she’d said, he didn’t care. He just wanted her to stop pointing her fucking gun at him. “Valeria! This isn’t smart,” he pleaded, not caring if it made him sound pathetic. He was desperate, pathetically desperate. “You’d be killing a Colonel, you know that’d be stupid.”

“You’re right.” Valeria nodded, her eyes moving to meet Rodolfo’s. Rodolfo didn’t relax for a second at her admission, however, knowing her better than this. Somehow, they were following a script she’d cooked up in her mind, playing right into what she wanted. “But, if I don’t take him down, somehow, he’ll follow me. I can evade Alejandro when he’s distracted.”

Neither Rodolfo nor Alejandro responded. Rodolfo failed to see how putting a bullet in Alejandro’s back could possibly be distracting him… He clenched his hand tighter around his gun, watching her as she sighed, shaking her head. “I know killing Alejandro Vargas isn’t intelligent. Killing a Colonel would be… a crime, sure. One I could potentially avoid jail time for with the right lawyer, which I have. But… Killing Alejandro Vargas? That’s a death sentence. You’d have my head swinging back with a bullet before I even pulled the trigger.”

Rodolfo’s frown only deepened. Valeria didn’t think he was harmless, then… He’s not a threat without Alejandro. Why would she say so, then? Why say he was harmless? He turned a glare towards her, pulling all of the venom and vitriol out of his body and forcing it onto his face. “You’re right.” He shook his head. “I would! So just put the gun down, don’t fucking do this.”

Valeria laughed, the same laugh she’d given when she was taunting him that night he’d been kidnapped. “I won’t, don’t worry. Alejandro doesn’t have a gun on me. You do.”

Right as Rodolfo’s mind made the connect, he was already hit. The impact jerked him back as the bullet tore into him. He stumbled back, his foot catching on the ledge of the roof and then there was no roof, only air. The only thought in his mind as he fell was Alejandro and his name tore out of his mouth, meeting his own name being screamed right back at him.

Alejandro didn’t even look at Valeria, throwing himself forward and catching Rodolfo’s outstretched arm. Rodolfo still swung down, his body slamming into the side of the building with such impact that Rodolfo was half convinced he’d fallen anyway, somehow.

A scream of pain tore through his body as he realized the arm Alejandro had grabbed was the shoulder that had been shot, his left shoulder. The scream took what little oxygen hadn’t been taken from him hitting the building, the fall taking what feeling he had in his arm. His side burned, he could feel that, but there was nothing past his shoulder.

Everything slowed.

He couldn’t pull air into his lungs,

He couldn’t move.

He could only turn his eyes downward at the man that lept.

His body was still in odd angles and a red puddle surrounded his body.

That could have been him.

“Rodolfo!” Alejandro screamed and then time caught back up as he felt Alejandro start to yank him back onto the roof, hoisting him with a fair amount of ease. He gasped in air once his body was flat on the roof. The sun had started to set and so it wasn’t in his eyes. Funny how he noticed that.

He felt like his side was being shred open and he screamed again. “Fuck!”

Alejandro panted and moved to hover over him. “Rodolfo! Are you okay? Don’t answer that.” His fingers felt over the bullet wound, causing Rodolfo to cry out in pain. “Definitely not okay. Just… just stay still.”

He leaned into his radio and Rodolfo tried to focus on not feeling the white hot pain coursing through his body as Alejandro called for medics to the roof. Rodolfo looked into Alejandro’s eyes, seeing tears there. He wondered if it was from exertion or the fact Rodolfo had almost just died.

Rodolfo closed his eyes, gasping when he was suddenly jerked. “No, keep your eyes open.” Alejandro commanded and Rodolfo opened his eyes, immediately. He was unable to tell Alejandro no, even in this state. Even when he was dying.

Of course he was dying, there was no way he wasn’t. Alejandro wouldn’t be so panicked, otherwise.

Rodolfo met Alejandro’s eyes and he smiled, glad Alejandro cared that he was dying. He knew that was a cruel fear to have but… he feared it. Alejandro cared, though… Rodolfo felt so happy about it.

Cold seeped over his body and he curled up to Alejandro, seeking his warmth as he shivered. “Alejandro… I… I need to sleep…”

“No, no, you need to stay awake. Someone is coming up. Just stay awake, okay? Stay awake for me, please, mi Luna…” Alejandro’s hand was on Rodolfo’s face and Rodolfo whimpered, thinking that wasn’t fair. Alejandro knew that nickname got Rodolfo to do whatever he wanted. “Please, Rodolfo… Please…”

Rodolfo wanted to cry. “I… I’m so tired…”

Alejandro shook his head, leaning down and kissing Rodolfo deeply. Rodolfo melted into the kiss, the cold waning just a little. When Alejandro pulled away, Rodolfo saw tears rolling down his face and he couldn’t help feeling guilty for them. Alejandro was clearly so afraid… “Please, mi Luna. Stay awake. Don’t leave me…”

Rodolfo reached up with his good arm, cupping Alejandro’s face. He didn’t want Alejandro to be sad, anymore. “Sh…” He murmured. “I’ll see you wherever we end up, right?” He looked up at Alejandro, wiping his tears with his thumb.

Alejandro shook his head. “No- No! Rodolfo, don’t you dare fucking leave me. I will through myself right off that fucking ledge. I go where you fucking go. I told you! I. told. you. I cannot survive without my fucking moon. So don’t you fucking dare leave me.”

“Don’t…” Rodolfo pleaded, shaking his head. “Alejandro, please don’t… Mi Sol, stay…” His strength was waning, he couldn’t hold on much longer. He was trying, he was so desperate for Alejandro not to follow him.

“Rodolfo! Fuck, where are they?!” Alejandro shook Rodolfo, making Rodolfo cry in pain. “Keep your eyes open!”

Rodolfo couldn’t. He was desperate to, terrified Alejandro would make good on his promise if he didn’t but… god, he was so tired. He was ready to finally just sleep for once. “I love you…” He mumbled and this body just felt peace. He’d finally done it. He’d finally said it.

“Rodolfo, I… Please… I love you too… Please just stay…”

“Rodolfo please…”

“Rodolfo I love you, please…”

#Why Can't I Be More?#Alejandro Vargas #Rodolfo Parra #Rodolfo x Alejandro #Aledolfo #rodolfo cod #alejandro cod #call of duty #alejandro x rodolfo #call of duty fanfic #fanfiction #angst #aledolfo angst #alerudy angst

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ilov3men · 6 months

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This is an enhypen fanfic I randomly started writing one night. If you like this pls tell me so I can write more. <333

Auhors note/a little back story: English isn't my first language, so pls just correct me if i make a grammar mistake. This probably won't have smut because I just don't think I'm comfortable writing that kind of stuff yet. The mc is a girl from Australia. She moved to LA to train for the olympics, which she won gold in in 2022 Beijing. She became friends with the Enhypen members in their debut because of her best friend Kimmi being a trainee under Hybe. She is in a group called val<3ntine (fanmade) consisting of 5 members Jiwoo, Anais, Venus, and Yoona. The mc is a year younger than Jungwon. But yeah, enjoy. <333

I'm thinking about the fact im going to have a normal day at uni when I wake up tomorrow, and then im going to fly to Korea to see my best friend of 15 years and her group. And see my boy bsf of 3 years that I have secretly been in love with for 2, not knowing he feels the same and is planning on confessing during my time in Korea. He's eager for just a minute alone with me, but I'm just so nervous and flustered when I'm alone with him, especially when I have to see him in person, that i just avoid him and group together with my friends and his members. And each night before i fell asleep me and my best friend and I just talked about him. She knows. She can tell how in love he is with me, but im too oblivious to notice. And im too stubborn for her to convince me. But it's not normal for just a friend to fall asleep on facetime with you EVERY night, talking about how much he misses holding you, touching you, and kissing you. But he's just really affectionate, you tell yourself. But that's not what it is.

He is consumed by how much he loves you. He's praying for a single second to be alone with you so he can spill every little thing he's ever wanted to say to you, even the dirty things, the things he shouldn't say. He thinks about me too much. But i never let myself believe he could want me. And even if he did, i would never risk his career for a dating scandal.

Im in Korea for twenty days. And in those twenty days, i seem to be unconsciously avoiding the guy I've secretly been in love with for 2 years. The guy i would decline my boyfriends calls for. The guy i would skip dinner for just so i could call him when he woke up. The guy i would mess up my sleep schedule for to call him because of the 12 hour time difference. I couldn't wait for christmas. I feel like it would finally feel normal then. Not that it felt weird now. It just felt different.

The last time i saw Jungwon in real life, i was 15. Im now 18. It's been 3 years since I've seen him in person. And i fell in love with him over the phone, but I saw him in person. It made my cheeks burn, and i could feel my stomach tighten. Even though he's older than me, i always saw him as a little baby. But seeing him in person. The way he towered over me. Feeling his fingertips graze my arms. Seeing the viens run from his hands up his forearms. Seeing how soft his lips looked. How kissable they looked. I felt something change. I had had a few dirty thoughts run through my head before, from seeing videos or edits of him. But seeing him in person was something different. It felt like i could take in every detail of him thoroughly. I tried to stop all the bad thoughts from running through my brain, but i couldn't.

I arrived in Seoul a little after 11 pm. So i was sad that i wouldn't be able to talk to Jungwon for long, especially with the jet lag from a 13-hour flight. But it would all be worth it to be in the same place as him for 20 whole days. My best friend Kimmi greeted me as soon as i walked in. She had been eagerly waiting in the lobby for me. She had gone to be a trainee at Hybe a year ago. Her and my schedules were so full, and with the time zone difference, we barely had any time to talk. She ran up and hugged me. It felt so warm. I had missed her more than anything. More than Jungwon ven. We went up to our hotel room and dropped our stuff off, and met with the other val<3ntine members. Jiwoo, Anais, Venus, and Yoona. It was my first time meeting her members, and i was so excited. They were all so kind and welcoming. Me and the girls got ready and went to the room where the enhypen members were waiting to see us. When i got into the elevator, it felt like the longest yet shortest trip i had ever been on. I started to think. Im surrounded by gorgeous asian women who are thin. And i thought maybe Niki didn't actually like me. I wasn't asian, korean or japanese. I am fluent. But it's not the same. And i was plus size. I didn't fit the korean beauty standards he grew up with. Im not ugly. These girls weren't making me insecure. I know my worth. But it still worried me. Why would he like a bigger girl? A girl with curves, when he's been told to like skinny women his whole life. I heard the elevator bell ding. We are on his floor. It hit me. Im in the same country, city, FLOOR, as Jungwon, and in about three seconds, i would be in the same room as him. We walked aimlessly down the hall, searching for room B 224. Ana knocked on the door. "Open up!" She had yelled in Japanese. Kimmi had told me Anais was the more aggressive one in the group. She was also the only Japanese member too. Kimmi had also let it slip they hooked up, but I ignored that.

Heesung opened the door. "Come in!" He said welcomingly. The girls crowded through the door, hugging and greeting everybody. I got in the door, and Sunoo was the first to talk to me until Jungwon had nearly tackled him out the way to hug me. He wrapped his arms over my shoulders, and he stroked my hair that was probably knotted from the aggressive sleeping i did on the plane. I wrapped my arms around his waist, squeezing him slightly. "You dont know how much I've missed you, bug. i can't believe that im holding you right now." He said, muffled into my hair. For a second, it felt like we were the only people in the room. I could feel him swaying slightly as he held me tight. He held me like if he let go, he might not ever be able to hold me again. "Are we interrupting something? Jay laughed. Jungwon slowly let go, letting his touch linger. "My favorite American." I laughed. Jay hugged me in a way that made me feel like he was my older brother. Everyone had gone around the room, greeting each other and catching up. I could barely keep myself from yawning. "Are you tired, y/n?" Jungwon asked. "Yeah.. The flight was really long and it's late." I responded. "Do you want to go back to my room so you can lay down?" He said it so innocently. But I knew if I went back to his room alone, I would not be sleeping. "No, thank you, though, me and Kimmi are just going to head out, okay?" Why did I feel the need to ask him if that was okay? I think I was hoping he'd just tell me that he was going to bring me to his room anyway, but he gave the normal response of "Of course bug." With a sweet smile. I gave my last hug to him. I didn't want to let go. I could feel him pull away, but I just needed a couple more seconds. I dont know what for. Maybe to feel him against me. To feel his chest against my cheek. To smell his colonge. I dont know. i just know if he let go too soon, i might've cried. I grabbed Kimmi, said my goodbyes, and went back to our room. I didn't even change. I just passed out.

Okay, thank you for reading<333 Im def going to make a part two if you want to continue reading. Also, this is my first story, and also, idrk how tumblr works, so if im doing this wrong, im sorry.

#enhypen #fanfic #jungwon

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homewithliv · 1 year

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Woke up with a terrible headache. Took some Excedrin as soon as I could and now over an hour later I think it's finally kicking in.

Yesterday was such a productive but long day. I got my draft submitted for a freelance gig I'm doing. It's for someone who creating an online course. Essentially she is having me create a workbook that goes with it. I felt pretty good about everything and thank goodness she is a good communicator.

I also had so much stuff to do at my real job. Lots of projects coming to a head at once. Hard sometimes to follow timelines for all the different things. But, I kicked butt and got a ton done. Today I'm wrapping up one of the bigger projects. We have a new way of submitting auths that they are deploying and I am creating a 5 part module- I'm done with 3/5 so hopefully can finish the rest today.

I also had a few calls for my catering biz yesterday. Randomly someone calls me from Florida wanting to order for a meeting luncheon she will be having here in KC. It was a last minute request but good money so I was like heck ya. We are making her some charcuterie filled letters (name of her business) some charcuterie cups and a veggie board. Super excited to create it.

Also on our list this week is - 2 large charcuterie boards, 20 cones for a real estate open house, 150 cones for a marketing firm, a 120 person wedding graze and a photo shoot of one our new cone walls. So ya super busy week and weekend ahead. I should of took off Monday. But, oh well. 😂

I've got 5 and below returns I need to do but God I hate hate doing returns. Might see if Robert will drive me there tonight. 😂 I am such a loser. I used to love driving and going places by myself. Now- no way. If I can have him go with me I'm good.

We recently have started slowly letting the kids stay home alone. My 8 and 11 year old I'm fine with but our 6 year old son. I mean I don't know.. I have read so many threads like on Reddit and it's so normal for most people to go run errands with their kids are home. It just feels weird. Granted we live in a very nice neighborhood filled with retired people- on a quiet street. BUT we live in such a huge city and it would be dumb of me to assume we were safe. We do have cameras and while we are gone we monitor them and turn the alarm on. And! Have rules in place for the kiddos. Like do not play outside- now swimming in the summer time and absolutely no cooking or heating up of food. Anyways, being a parent is tough sometimes. Hard choices. For now I do not think my youngest should be left alone.

In other news- we watched a bunch of cruise ship YouTube videos last night. It was like a rollercoaster of emotions for me. One hand I'm like let's do this and the other I'm like eh... Honestly I'd have fun going anywhere with Robert. It will be so nice to get away. We don't drink and it seemed a lot of the cruise was centered around people who do. Bars all over and lots of talks of drink packages. We have no juicy reason behind why we don't- honestly just never liked the way it tastes. I'm also someone who likes to be in control of my body. Any time in the past when I've had a drink I get that weird out of body sensation and just hate it. I guess most people would say that is exactly why they drink. To feel that way. I just am weird I guess. Plus- I honestly do not like the thought of feeling sick after. Like why? So ya we just don't drink and that seems like it might be a bummer but we'll see.

I woke up last night in a cold sweat. Literally my entire body was wet and I felt so weird. Something for sure was going on. Then to have a headache this morning? I don't know. I really need to take care of my body I know that. Me eating freaking crap and me drinking anything but water.. come on.

Well.. better get back to work. ✌️

#personal #random rant #my rants

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meegadeeth · 2 years

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Jackass/CKY head cannons if they all knew each other when they were in middle/high school and were friends lmao.

***

• Whenever they were all in the van and listening to music, whoever was closest to the radio would turn on a song from N'Sync or Backstreet Boys and then all of them would just stare at Bam and wait.

- "What do you fuck-heads want?" (Bam)

- "C'mon Bam, we know you have a boy band side! (Johnny)

- "That's not true!" (Bam)

- "Ryan said so!" (Johnny)

- "DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! I HAVE PROOF!" (Ryan)

And soon enough when everyone acted like they weren't paying attention Bam would mumble every word to the song.

• The guys would make fun of Bam for being emo. Like they were all getting ready for something and Bam would walk out in the EMOIST shit he could and Ryan would just put his face in his hands before laughing while everyone just shook their heads and Bam stood, confused.

• Bam and Ryan would just make eye contact and instantly lose their shit with laughter. Like Jeff could be talking about something and everyone turns around to see the two laughing with tears streaming down their faces but also being across the room from each other.

• Sometimes Johnny would do/say something very southern / country like and the others would just stare at him.

- "Jesus, it's hot out here." (Ryan)

- "You're sweatin' like a muddy pig in its pen on a humid day!" (Johnny)

- *Everyone staring*

- "What?" (Chris)

- "Ryan's sweating real hard." (Johnny)

- "Oh, okay." (Steve-o)

- "Christ, just say that next time, not all of us speak hick." (Bam)

• Bam and Ryan would make each other playlists or give song recommendations to each other and the other would make sure they make time to listen to it.

• On road trips they would all definitely take turns driving except Ryan.

- "Alright, I'm done, who's turn is it?" (Ehren)

- "Me! I want a turn!" (Ryan)

- "No!" (Bam, Dico, and Raab)

• I feel like when Bam and Ryan first met and since Bam was 12 and Ryan was 16 (if I remember correctly) I feel like Ryan and Bam would go do something with a crowd and Ryan would grab Bam's arm and just, "EXCUSE ME! BAM IS TRYING TO GET THROUGH! THANK YOU!"

• Whenever Bam or Jess did something stupid Ryan, Dico, Rake, Raab, or Novak would all act like April and yell at them in a high-pitch voice.

• Raab and Bam would go to school dances together if they didn't have dates and absolutely ruin it for everyone.

• Whenever another guy got hurt and bitched about it or was in a bad mood I feel like the rest of the guys would say something like "I think it's time to change your pad/tampon!" Or "I think you put your tampon in the wrong way."

• Dave would shit in random places to stink it up for the other guys even when they weren't filming! Like Dave would sit next to one of them randomly and just start shitting to see how mad they get.

• Either Bam would make Ryan binge shows/movies or Ryan would make Bam binge shows/movies.

• Eventually Bam would end up calling Ryan, Ry. One time when they were all together and it slipped and the guys just looked at him and laughed, especially Ryan.

• They would call Bam and Ryan boyfriends.

• They would also call Johnny and Steve-o boyfriends.

• Bam would turn on scream-o songs and like scream them at the top of his lungs while Ryan just sits next to him and stares at him, wondering how he even understands the lyrics.

• On Ryan's birthday Bam would make sure to over-do it. Bam would literally leave his own house around 11 to make it at Ryan's so he could be right next to Ryan when it hit 12:00 AM on his birthday to scream until he woke up and then tell him happy birthday in the calmest way possible.

- "AAAAAHHHH! WAKE THE FUCK UP!!" (Bam)

- "Jesus Christ! What?!" (Ryan)

- "Happy birthday, man." (Bam)

- "Thanks, I guess." (Ryan with a sigh)

• Bam, Ryan, Novak, Dico, and Raab would race to school everyday and then race home after.

What I feel like their places would be:

1 - Raab (WON)

2 - Bam

3 - Dico

4 - Novak

5 - Ryan (LOST)

• None of their parents liked Bam, Dave, Raab, or Novak. I'm not saying I don't like them but it just has to be said!

• Everyone's parents adored Johnny though!

• April has tried to convince Ryan multiple times to take a long bath when he stays over for the night.

• Bam, Raab, and Dico always cheat off each other but obviously end up failing while Ryan and Novak don't even bother to try and cheat off them.

• The guys would do small and nice things for Ehren randomly and he would instantly back up and leave the room while the others were laughing and still trying to give him something.

- "Hey, Ehren. I got you something!" (Johnny with a wrapped present)

- "Fuck you!" (Ehren, rubbing away)

- "What the fuck?" (Steve-o)

- "I told you guys he hates surprises." (Dave)

• Bam and Ryan usually didn't vent to each other but when they did it was LONG talks that lasted for hours on Bam's roof or somewhere they wanted to be.

• Bam and Ryan would consistently have sleepovers.

• Raab and Dico watching cartoons til 5am.

• Jess waking up and finding Bam, Ryan, Raab, Dico, and Novak spread out around the living room, sleeping.

• Bam and Steve-o skating around Johnny and making fun of how he couldn't skate to save his life.

• Bam and Ryan staying up on call all night until April yelled at Bam for laughing and talking too loud.

• Bam joking about how he wishes he was that toy car (I'm sorry but we know he would).

• Wee-man always bagging Bam when he skates by on his skateboard.

• Bam showing Ryan little signs of caring about him like letting him pick music or making sure Ryan's in the passenger seat while he's driving and stuff like that.

• Steve-o scaring the guys while being in his clown make-up.

• Raab running around Dico while Bam chases him.

• Bam mocking Johnny with a country accent and calling him 'Young man' or 'Cowboy' all the time.

• Novak getting him and Bam matching stuff while Bam just rolls his eyes and acts like he hates it but he actually loves it.

• Preston and Wee-man having their own sleepovers because they're besties.

• Bam and Ryan randomly boxing each other. They aren't even mad. It could be in the morning and as soon as they see each other just BOOM.

• Ehren and Chris definitely have called Johnny daddy.

• Bam and Steve-o trying to teach Johnny to skate but simply giving up.

- "OW!" (Johnny)

- "Come on, Knoxville, get your ass up!" (Bam)

- "Come on! Try again, we don't care how bad it is!" (Steve-o)

• In return, Johnny would try to teach Bam and Steve-o how to do si do.

- "I'm not country enough for this!" (Bam)

- "Come on, Margera, get your ass up!" (Johnny)

- "You're not funny at all." (Bam)

• Chris would give someone a lap dance on their birthday rather they asked or not.

***

[1206 words]

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mysticonsheadcanons · 1 year

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Yo mysticons, do you ever wake up randomly in the middle of the night with the urge to play your favorite game? Proxima, have you ever been home alone before at night and had something fall over, but you wonder what could have knocked it down because your home alone? Quasarla, is there something less than 1 percent of people know about you? If there is then what is it? Naivara, what's your favorite and least favorite subjects of school? And Gandobi, ever fully blast a song by mistake because you forgot how high your volume was infront of someone you wouldn't want that to happen infront of? Also everyone, on a scale from 1 to 10, how likely do you think I'd be to never learn my lesson about this one thing:

One night I was trying to go to sleep because it was really late and I was battling it since 9:30 and it was 11:00 at night, my grandparents and little cousin were asleep and it was also a school night, I fell asleep at 11:45 and woke up at 1am and thought: *maybe I'll go on my phone until I feel sleepy again*

my ADHD: don't do it!

My ASD: don't do it!

My brain: don't do it!

Me: I'm gonna do it! 😈

So I was up until 2:30 making gacha characters when this went down: My ASD: STOP OR YOULL BE SLEEPY THE WHOLE DAY TOMORROW!!!!

Me: I DONT GIVE TWO CRAPS!!!!

My ADHD: Just go grab a can of Pepsi, you'll be asleep in 30 seconds -_-

My ASD: no, go grab your sketchbook from the kitchen table

My brain: no, just go into the living room and stare at the stars

Me: *thinks* *what do I do?!*

My brain, asd, and adhd: *all arguing and staring an inner war in my head*

Me myself: is this what all people go through on a nightly basis?! *hides under blanket frustrated*

Then sometime later I managed to fall asleep with that war raging on inside my head, woke up the next morning, and I was tired the whole day

(4 days later)

My asd, adhd, and brain: OKAY!!! NO MORE!!! YOUVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT!!! ITS TIME TO GO TO SLEEP ITS ALREADY 10:00!!!! DONT MAKE THE SAME *BLEEP*ING MISTAKE TWICE!!!!

Me: I don't make the same mistake twice, I make it five or six times just to be sure! 🤪

Brain: do you guys think she'll ever learn?

My asd: nope

My adhd: not a chance

My brain: I don't think so either -_-

Me: *falls asleep*

My brain: alright, let's not keep her awake binge watching the walking dead next time -_- that's probably what started this -_-

My adhd and asd: Agreed!

Note: I won't be rating how likely you are to learn from your mistakes, as you seem to think part of it are your asd and adhd, so that would complicate the rankings, as everyone with asd is different, so how much it impacts one individual is hard to tell.

ARKAYNA: Not really.

ZARYA: Yeah, sometimes.

EM: Not games per say, but I'm like that when I have an idea for an invention sometimes.

PIPER: My games are usually active, so not unless I'm really restless.

PROXIMA: Yes, and that scares me.

QUASARLA: I collect stuffed animals.

NAIVARA: My favourite subject is Math and my least favourite subject is Social Studies.

GANDOBI: I did that on the dragon train once. (Quasarla: Didn't you do that twice?)

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ihatemyselfforwantingmore · 1 year

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I always knew I would become an addict

Everyone (or at least most people) think that addicts are just weird crackheads who deserve no respect or empathy of any kind. They also think that something that horrible would never happen to them. I guess I used to feel the same way towards them before I became one of them.

I always knew I would become an addict. For as long as I remember, I wanted to escape from my life. Whenever people who worked in rehab came to my school to prevent drug use and described all kinds of drugs, I started craving them. I've romanticized drug use for as long as I can remember. I used to see the ecstasy pills with smiling faces thinking: "I'm gonna try this when I'm older". Then I went home and researched about all kinds of drugs while craving them, wishing I could grow up faster so I could give them a try.

Obviously, I grew up with unrestricted access to the Internet. I was obsessed with pop culture, and something pop culture obviously had was a shitton of drug use. I remember spending hours in front of the computer watching pictures of Lindsay Lohan partying wishing it was me, at the age of 10.

I loved watching movies and, of course, if there's something teen movies have is drug use, whether it's weed, acid or cocaine. I couldn't wait to try them when I grew up. It all seemed so glamorous. I loved the film 'The Bling Ring' when I was 11 after watching it on theaters. And their lifestyle was just so glamorous! I wanted to be one of them, I wanted to listen to All Of The Lights by Kanye West while driving and doing cocaine at the same time. I just wanted to have fun. My life was so boring and depressing.

I was a straight A's student who was in extracurricular actives and was known by everyone as an avid bookworm. I used to speak in front of the entire school trying to promote reading to my classmates by recommending YA books that could get them into the hobby of reading. I used to have a lot of books under my chair in case anyone from my classroom wanted to read something. I remember calling it 'my library' and getting in trouble because of it, but I didn't care. I've always loved escapism, and maybe that's why I loved reading so much. I was kind of a very lonely girl growing up, so I used to imagine fantasy worlds while I was in class. I used to think that maybe if I did drugs they would come to life.

As I grew up, I stopped having as many friends as I used to. Everyone in my class randomly decided to just stop talking to me. I only had one friend, and she stopped talking to me and became friends with my bullies after I had to transfer schools due to, of course, bullying. I thought I wouldn't care but it fucked me up really bad.

I started watching more and more movies in a depressive episode where I didn't go to school for four months. All I did was drink Coca-Cola and spend the whole day on my computer.

Two of my favorites were Requiem for a Dream and Trainspotting. Most people (like my parents) thought that they were a hard watch because of the scenes where drugs fuck their entire lives. I thought the opposite. I used to think they were so glamorous and that it was a world I wanted to get into.

I went to school again and struggled with selective mutism, so I couldn't make any new friends, no matter how bad I wanted to. Everyone thought I was just the weird, quiet kid so I kept reading a lot to feel like I had a friend, even if it was just a book.I missed my ex best friend like crazy. I started reading novels by Jack Kerouac and Irvine Welsh, just wanting to go on a substance abuse binge thinking it would fix all my problems and make me happier.

My brother used to be just like me until one day he woke up and decided to rebel against my parents. He decided to drop out of high school and tried every single drug on Earth with his friends. I always resented him for that because I wanted a big brother who'd take care of me but instead I got a Tony Stonem dupe. I don't know if I wanted to be like him?

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hospitalterrorizer · 2 months

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diary163

2/24-25/2024

saturday - sunday

heard three gunshots just now.

i'm not like freaked out or whatever but i always wonder what's going on with that. i wonder i guess if it's the armed security around all the apartment complexes around here, sounds too far to be ours but near enough to be like, around here. like why do you need to fire 3 times. idk. i just feel like i guess if you're shooting a gun 3 times you're definitely trying to kill somebody, i hope nobody is being killed, especially by random security people. or maybe there doesn't need to be an especially. it's grotesque i guess to act like any death would be better, it's just a travesty in the first place that people think the security is necessary, that is an awful part stuck to all this. i think i'll basically be fine as long as i'm not wandering around at 2 am and stuff, obviously. it's most likely, i guess, just people shooting guns to shoot guns, so it's not a big deal i suppose. it's interesting, i've always been near-ish gunshots basically, but the frequency was like, a couple times a month, it wasn't uncommon but it also wasn't like, crazy, there were a few times where stuff ramped up and i'd see things like shells on my way to the school bus or to college but that didn't really phase me, i guess because more of a picture appeared by morning when i was out walking, i'd see the police cars out there, i knew who was shooting at who basically so it wasn't like, a question of why/what, and when it was at its normal rate, it just wasn't especially interesting i guess, there was more distance + it really did seem like that'd be the rate at which people just shoot randomly. like, oh, i wanna shoot my gun into the air lol, and then they go back inside. since it's closer it just punctuates more i guess, i mean it does that crazy thing where like, there's a vacuum of sound in the echo, it's not so close that it like, actually sounds like 0/nothing, but the echo carries that shape, if you know what i mean. it's also probably because i'm tired from work and stuff, my head hurts, i worked too long today, i wasn't even supposed to i just had to. it doesn't matter though, i am home now. but it's hard to go and work on music rn. i am soo tired and i only ate when i got home today, i woke up at like, 11:30-ish, and i got home and ate at about 10:40, so that's like 11 hours and ten mins of not eating (i worked from 4:30 to 10:16ish). it's kind of good i guess, to me, idk, maybe that's bad or whatever but it's not too bad to me, to not eat a lot, idk, it feels useful, like idk, i do just want to stay skinny. idk. i do eat so it's not like, very bad, it's just intermittent fasting or whatever, honest (not cope i swear not coping (lol)), it's not like that every day, i just use work to do that sometimes, esp since i need to pay to eat there and the food looks disgusting basically. it's like, idk, i kind of like going long without things. i guess it's because of being raised catholic or whatever, you get this thing where you get off on withholding things from yourself and suffering, taking on suffering, that kind of thing.

listening to the problem song now, i am certain that there's something in the low-end that needs to be eq-ed out, this weird resonance, it might be something super specific i need to eq out, if it is, that's good, i thinkk.

anyway i am really tired, i am just sitting here listening to combatwoundedveteran and feeling tired, they really made perfect music, for a certain sort of person. even if my head hurts i can listen to this shit. i just like it that much.

oh, one last thing, about reading, i've gotten to the part of cybernetic hypothesis that's about ways/methods/lines of flight (as the book puts it) that open up possibility, essentially guerilla methods, one hand is the taking pleasure in desire perversely, and then shutting one self up, volunteering nothing, they reference bartleby here with "i would prefer not to," that kind of oscillating, as well as actual references to what wider/more materially aggressive sorts of tactics might be. this kind of all coalescing around the idea that basically many cybernetic apparatuses are geared to, at extremes, manage panic, and so, panic being the nightmare of cybernetic organizing/management, we ought to open ourselves up to panic/fear in some way. i would like to articulate that better/how i read it better, but i'm just so tired. it's hard. but essentially it recalls bataille to me (who they criticize at points in the book (rightfully, as much as i love him, he is wrong in certain ways (even baudrillard has gone here and it's very fascinating))), anyway, it recalls the necessity of horror, or the experience of horror, not even necessarily in its attachment to sacrifice (which is one thing specifically criticized, the idea that sacrifice could/would be this thing that could deliver us/provide an escape from capitalism, this fantasy of pre-capital return, basically (here too is where baudrillard saw issue with bataille)), but horror as an opening up to, sensation of everything, where you absorb so much, you are sent elsewhere, you are taken out of yourself, as the book puts it, the crowd disintegrates in the crowd, we all horrified, we do not withdraw, but we exit, we exit ourselves, and then we exit sociality. here is a convergence with the carnivalesque, where the obscene and grotesque is held at such length to perturb and captivate, a stage where one might engage perversely, and then to shut up, a silence which will not tell on itself, only absorbing or even discarding everything but the intensities surrounding oneself. this is an oscillation, necessarily, sticking oneself to an oscillation of this nature means, among other things, productivity in the regular sense would be impossible, at least in terms of appraisal by our managers/meter/measures.

(there is a level where i wonder about a critique of tiqqun here, i suppose, or maybe a defense from a critique that would accuse them of being squarely reactionary here (i cannot parse what i think, but my sense that what they seek is aligned more w/ the carnivalesque and grotesque (and asking one to not turn away but embrace these rather than to embrace what wipes these away/would seek to absorb the signs/symbols of these things back into itself as defanged and speaking regularly, normalizing in a way so as to force it into discourse w/ the normal/using cybernetic apparatuses of agitation to coax these things into some kind of guilty conscience, shame, whatever) i do not think they are reactionary) i suppose i have come across my answer to this problem here in this aside, already, or at least some of the answer. i am not sure.)

another thing, i guess, is reaching this point, i see why a friend didn't like it, but i think accusing this book of being neo-luddite theory is squarely wrong + idk, she is honestly quite obsessed w/ efficiency as it is laid out in the cybernetic sense. i do like her, but her aspiration is to be a manager, in some way, a manager of flows, thought, and so on. she wants to direct. i suppose one could accuse her of desiring being an apparatus, but i don't think it's squarely true, i think she wants to want to be, is ashamed and ashamed of being ashamed of it, it's a complex, basically, i suppose.

anyway i also read this:

this was quite good, it's hard to articulate my thoughts/what it says, so i will instead talk about what i would like to absorb from it, where its end is quite strong and everything, and leaves much to think over, i think many of the historical insights it offers are the meat, or i guess they obviously are, but they can be approached from so many angles, reused, essentially he puts valuable information there, i hope to remember it. i'm not sure why this is sticking to me, this thought about what i want to learn, it's good i think, but it's also i guess kind of neurotic. i fear, very often, that i am really quite stupid. i would like to not be, i think this is just part of that. anyway, i am very glad will's writing/thinking is something i've been exposed to recently, because he is bringing me back to foucault, who i'd read in the past and learned much from, and now there is more to learn. it's just nice to be reunited i suppose, with the man.

so now i really do have to sleep, sso

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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borahaejenn · 1 year

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JIMIN-AH!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSS!!!!!! I am even more anticipating watching the film lol hehe FIGHTING!!!😊💪

Also, Jimin I am crying! I wake up early on my own like my body does it but I fall asleep between 11:40pm- 12:30 am and still I wake up at 7:50am or 8 am exactly but when I can't sleep I wake up randomly at 3 and 4 am lmao However, I noticed that I was able to fall asleep because of my night walks and my mental and social battery working hard lol and I wake up early not because I force it but my bathroom morning cycle is at 8 am. I must go to the bathroom at 8 am lol my body knows it and my metabolism works like that oddly. My body wakes up for it. lol I also feel the urge as I get up and there is a slight heaviness in my abdomen that tells me my body was waiting for release. lol I don't know if everybody has that happen to them when they got a specific time cycle for the bathroom or if it is just me lol Biology trips me out. I don't know if anybody relates. 😭

Let me tell you about Wembley too. OMG!!! When I went to see you and BTS for two days I napped in the UK at 2pm and woke up exactly at 5pm and went straight down and out of the hotel and made it to the Wembley stadium entrance before y'all started to perform at 7pm each day lol it was hilarious because I didn't even set an alarm but the funny thing is that 5pm UK time is 9 am pst US time and that is why I woke up on my own from my nap at 5pm each day. lol My body has called that time between 8-9am as my wake-up time since a while ago. 🤣 I noticed that if I was in Korea I would wake up at 1 am each day because that is 9am in pst here. lol

I hope you find your sleep vibes though lol I think it's okay to sleep and wake up whenever it fits for you as long as you get the 8-12 hours in even in the form of naps. lol I think everybody has different sleep styles and it doesn't have to fit one way. I know some people that sleep during the day and are awake all night doing their daily things because their schedule is like that. It's like they are in Korea time in the USA even though they are in US time lol but it works for them. As long as you find your own sleep cycle and rest well that is what matters. FIGHTING! 😁💪

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khodorkovskaya · 1 year

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23.02.23

yesterday i had a dream about going on holiday with a guy. and the dream was weird overall, like we had to take cottage cheese with us and it was very important for some reason and the cheese was in this yellow plastic bag...?? but anyway, the main theme of the dream was that i was with this guy and we were going to the mountains just like we'd gone with B before. and i woke up feeling so overwhelmingly guilty. as if i had cheated on B even though it's been like what 5 months since we broke up.

and today i had a dream with B in it. we were driving to some house party in the countryside and he suggested we do coke together lol. and then he crashed the car on purpose saying that he needs money from his insurance or something. and i was like you can't live like this, this is so wrong! and we started arguing about values and stuff and he was so disagreeable and yeah i woke up feeling sad.

and i told my stepdad about this bc i dream about B every night and it's becoming annoying. and he said that sure, even if we can't control our dreams, it's still my fault that i dream about him. yes, i don't think think about him, but my unconscious still does. and it's up to me to decide if i want to move on or not. and it's quite painful to realise all of this because, yes, deep down i still have hope for us. the more i think about him and our relationship, the more i realise how doomed we really were and how it was never meant to be. but in my heart im still so scared to let go. because what's gonna happen in the future? what am i moving towards? if i cling on to B, i can make up all those comforting scenarios in my head. but if i 100% admit to myself that it's over, what's waiting for me out there? the unknown scares me. and i think that's why i can't fully allow myself to move on, even if rationally im definitely over him.

it's funny cos the other day i talked to my cousin on skype and she found an old hard drive with videos of us when we were kids. and it was cringy and hilarious and i keep randomly laughing throughout the day bc i think about those videos and it's just so funny. and im like 13 in these videos i think. so it made me think about middle school and how i was feeling at the time.

and i remembered that during that period like from 6th to 8th grade i was obsessed with haibane renmei. i used to be on this kids' social media website since the age of 9 (and ofc i also had a public diary there lol, some things never change) and i had an online friend there who was really into anime. so i decided to watch her favourite one, haibane renmei. i watched it when i was 11 and fell in love and i remember drawing those characters all the time, listening to the soundtrack on my ipod every day on the bus to school and learning how to play the songs on the piano. i even danced to the opening theme at the school talent show (and i think the video of it is still up on youtube, it's so bad oh my god). but yeah, what i mostly remember from that show is that there were these cute angel-like girls who all lived together and went thrift shopping. i don't remember anything about the story but only how much i loved drawing girls with angel wings and halos and listening to the soundtrack.

so i decided to rewatch it! i had a short lived anime phase in middle school, mainly consisting of rewatching haibane renmei and other shows by the same creator (serial experiments lain and nie under 7). and then i watched onepiece when i was 15 and that was it. so yeah, i decided to rewatch haibane renmei and oh my god... first of all, the art style and the music and everything made me sooo nostalgic because it made up a huge chunk of my teenage years. but also the story is so much deeper than my 11 year old understanding of it as just a story about girls living together. im on episode 8 now and i can't comprehend how i even watched this stuff as a child.

but back to my dreams about B, the theme of sin in haibane renmei really resonates with me as im rewatching it. the main character also struggles to let go and needs to make peace with her past (that she can't even remember) to move forward. and even though she's in this new world and has no memories of her past, she can't be free from her past sins. and, as the show outright tells us, "to recognise one's sin is to be free of sin".

and idk maybe im projecting too much but this really parallels my relationship with B. because, even though i was present during the relationship, i feel like i can't understand any of it. why were we together in the first place? what made me stay? why did i leave? i remember the general vibe of it all, but i can't piece together much of it. and yet i need to make peace with it to be able to move on. but how do i make peace with something i can't fully understand? and with the haibane it's the same thing. they can't remember their past and yet they can't forget it. and they need to make peace with the thing they can't remember to be free. i.e. recognise their sin to be free of sin.

anyway, im curious to see how the show is gonna end and what the overall moral is gonna be.

and in the meantime, i have applied for two master's programs. ughh it was such a pain in the ass.

idk what annoys me the most about this B situation is that it really isn't that deep. it was just a bad relationship and that's it. and if im feeling lonely now it's bc im horny. like there's no deeper explanation to it, i don't think. and since im so scared to let go, i keep going in circles and analysing everything. and i should just tell myself "stop that" and be more disciplined and not go on and on about this shit. it's not that deep! but i don't have the guts to tell myself to stop hoping.

#february

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allthingslea · 2 years

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And It Fit

10/26

So yes, as per the previous entry, yesterday was Lea's first day at work. She was supposed to be off at 6PM and I would pick her up, but her boss said she could take off at around 3:30. She tossed a coin- heads, she would go home. Tails, she would come to Metrotown to see me.

Tails. She rode the bus and headed to Metrotown. I was able to leave early so I drove to Metrotown and waited at the skytrain station. As she arrived, I saw her coming down the elevator, and she looked beautiful.

We stayed at the mall for a bit but headed out eventually, driving towards Tsawwassen. We both didn't want to go home yet so we "hung out" at the backseat of my car at Tsawwassen Mills parking lot. There's no subtle way to say this, but we had sex and I came inside of her. I think this was the most intense one I've had so far. She came first before I did. For the record, I have came inside of her 4 times now, and she has swallowed 15 times.

We talked and cuddled for a bit, then decided to head home to the Ferrer's. Turns out, it was Jeremy's birthday, so I stayed for a bit for some hot pot.

Coincidentally, her "surprise" package has arrived. When she saw it, her eyes lit up and she clung onto it like a koala holding onto a tree branch. She went to her room to check it out while I stayed outside. I waited antsily while she checked it out, until finally she came out with a worried smile. "Hindi ko alam kung kasya, tingin ko malaki." We were going back and forth about how we should just try it out. After a few minutes, upstairs while waiting for Yanna to come out of her room, she brought out the box and, in a half joking, half serious manner, said, "will you marry me?" I said, "yes". I turned around from her, my back facing hers, and my right hand behind my back. She slid the ring into my ring finger and... it fit.

She said that if it didn't fit, she would have resized it first, but since it did, it was appropriate for me to receive it, specially with the situation that we are in. I asked what the meaning of the ring was, and she said that she would text it to me later. It took a good minute for me to bring out my right hand from behind my back to my front, and when I saw the ring, I fell in love.

Since we were still at the house, we both didn't think it was a good idea to wear the ring, so I put it back in the box and placed it in my jacket. In return for the ring, I promised her something... intangible. What is it, well, this. The link to this site. The inner writings of my mind. Our memories, from my point of view.

The night went on until 9:30 came and I had to go home.

She walked me to my car, and I took out the ring and wore it. We talked for another 20 minutes.

We were on the phone from the moment I was driving home until I went to bed at 11:30. The vibes were good. Kind of.

Around 3:30AM, I woke up randomly, looked at my phone, and saw that I had 25 notifications from Lea. She found it hard to sleep, and she told me how she felt about me going on this trip. She was uncomfortable, anxious, sad, but she is trying. She mentioned that she loves me and trust me, and the ring symbolizes that too.

Hi Lea Joy, if you are reading this, I just want to say... great job! You're doing great, love. Thank you for recognizing your patterns and trying hard to understand them and work through it. Most of all, you mentioned that you find it hard to express your feelings... but those texts are... expressing those feelings. I'm so proud that you have come a long way from pushing away to trying not to push away. Love, from the time I have known you, you have grown so much, and you should be proud of that. I love you!

When I saw the messages, I told myself that I would just reply again when I wake up in the morning, but I couldn't go back to sleep so I replied. After replying, I fell asleep again.

In the morning when I woke up again, I checked my phone and she has read and replied to my messages. I said my good morning, and she replied instantly. We both wanted to call each other, but we were afraid of getting teased by Ate Bing (she slept over). The vibes were right. As she was walking to the bus stop around 8:10AM, I called her, and she sounded happy. About halfway through the call, the trip got brought up again and.. the vibes went off. She got to school, we hung up the phone. We were trying, but it was still off.

One of her classmates has been absent for a while, but finally went to school due to a group presentation. They caught up, and turns out, this classmate has been dealing with personal issues. Lea had a heart-to-heart talk and she mentioned that she has been crying hard. She also said that she wasn't okay, and that she might need an alone time until class ends.

At this time of writing, she has been in class for two hours now, and she isn't as bubbly as she usually is, but she has been sending me updates now and then. Also, looks like the room we were going to put a deposit on cancelled last minute. I can't tell how the vibes are right now, but I'm trying my best. We will meet in another two hours, and hopefully we bring the vibes back up.

This whole trip is causing issues in our relationship that I didn't expect to come up. That is okay though, because I know that we will come out stronger than before, from this experience. I have faith in what we have. I know that she loves me, and she knows that I love her.

My mistake is that I booked and made plans with Sam right away without consulting Lea Joy. I just wanted to watch BLACKPINK, that's all. And Sam was the only friend that would be willing to spend money to go. Moving forward, she is right, when making decisions like these, we should place ourselves in the other person's shoes and look at things from a different perspective. I don't want something like this to happen again, it is so heavy in the heart.

I don't want complications and disagreements. I don't want to lose this relationship. I love Lea Joy, and Lea Joy is the one for me. I am wearing her ring and will not remove nor lose it. How can I show her that I am loyal to her only? How can I make her trust me? I am trying my best. I really am.

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asyouimagine · 2 years

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A year past addiction - Written in 2017

Last new year’s eve rolling into 2017 I was watching the ball drop from a hospital bed in OHSU. Side note, OHSU gave me the most comfortable stay I have ever had in my life and I am so grateful for the whole medical team there.

December 28th was just another day at work. I work for the After-hours team for my company, so we are the only one's in the building after 5:00PM and I work until around 10:00 or 11:00 with usually one other coworker. I was working with Alicia and Mary this night, two good friends of mine. I had just returned from a trip to Idaho to visit my mom but was really happy to be back in the office. Mary had just gotten in around 8:00 to take over for the overnight shift, while Alicia and I were wrapping up (mostly we all were just talking and laughing together.) We had a new mini bike peddler under our desk that we had randomly noticed, and Mary and I were so serious about competing with each other to see who could pedal the longest. We all were laughing at how seriously I was trying but I gave up after maybe like, a couple of minutes, and passed it over to Mary. That was honestly the last thing I remember from that shift.

Next thing, I woke up on the floor of the office in the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. It took a second for my eyes to adjust when I opened them, everything looked dark. I looked up and Mary was sitting down on the floor with me rubbing my back. I had completely blacked out anything happening. She said, "You just had an accident, it's okay." I thank god that Mary was the one there with me. She has such a way of talking to you that just makes you feel calm and safe. I feel like I would have been in complete panic if it were any other way, or worse, if I was working alone. I couldn't move my right arm whatsoever, I later would find out I broke my shoulder during my fall. All I could taste was blood and there were bite marks so deep into my tongue from all of my upper row of teeth. My whole tongue was black and blue, I wasn't able to talk right for days after. It was honestly just moments later that a whole medical team came into the office with a stretcher. They asked how I was doing (not too great). They asked if I knew what year it was (2016). They told me where they were taking me and asked some medical questions. It was pretty obvious I had a seizure. I listened to Mary and Alicia describe the whole scene that I was unconscious for to the medical team. I had been sitting up right at my desk when all of a sudden my head went down, like I was falling asleep. They thought I was joking at first and kind of laughed it off but then my right arm flew into the air and my body started to shake. They both got up and helped me to the ground. They said the transition to the ground wasn't a rough one at all so I'm still amazed how I was able to break my shoulder. While on the floor I was choking on my tongue and my face turned completely blue, Alicia helped turn me over on my side and I gained my color back. I really feel they saved my life. And then, it was over. And I was asleep.

The medical team asked if I'd had a seizure before. I told them no, but that I was certain it was from Benzo withdrawal. I explained further that I was daily taking a high dose of Xanax and had been without for about a week (not by choice) when I left to my moms house. This can actually kill someone withdrawing from this drug. I remember the crippling anxiety I was experiencing days before the seizure at the airport leaving from my moms coming back to Portland. Flying already made me anxious, but my body and mind were somewhere else. I literally felt out of body. I could hardly talk or say goodbye before I got on the plane.

Flash back to me laying on the floor in the office. It took 3 people to lift me onto the stretcher. When I was brought into the ambulance they had to cut open the brand new pullover Anthony had just bought me for Christmas, because I couldn't move my arm to take it off. They strapped me up with IVs and we were off. As they were rolling me into the hospital Anthony was standing at the end of the hall waiting for me. It was honestly the most comforting feeling to see his face, it felt angelic. How di he know to be right there, right then? Mary had called him right away and he left his work as soon as he had gotten the call and rushed over. I was still in shock and didn't know what to say. He just came into the room they pedaled me into and sat by me. The doctor that came in was so amazing, he finally got a laugh out of me and made me feel so comfortable. Which was probably a good thing because he was about to load me up with pain medicine through an IV and pop my shoulder back into place. I didn't feel a thing, but the job was done.

I remember the following nights laying in the hospital thinking this had to be the end of this. I couldn't live like this anymore. That drug was going to take my life. The people that loved me the most warned me, I even prepared myself for this type of thing. I used to look up all these forums online about the worst that could happen from Xanax addiction or withdrawal. Unfortunately, I found a way to make it a number one priority in my life to always have some on me. At this point I could have won a Grammy for my acting I was able to put on for my doctors. I brought myself from being prescribed .5mg to being prescribed 1mg, twice a day as needed. I was on 80mg of Prozac, and a 40mg Beta Blocker. I signed a contract that I would not abuse this drug and agreed to only being able to request refills on specific dates, etc. But that wasn't my only way of getting these little white pills. I was going through my prescription sometimes with in days after getting it filled and spending money I did not have to get them outside from what I was being prescibed. At one point I had enough to last me for 4 months and I don't really even want to admit how fast those probably were gone. It's scary typing out all of this, really. It started because I thought this "as needed" pill would be the answer to all of my problems I was facing. I really didn't want to feel shook by anything, at anytime. I had this idea of going through my days so at ease. I started to love the feeling of carelessness, going and doing things that usually made me so uncomfortable. I even didn't mind the feeling of blacking out. I used to take tons of photos while on Xanax, come home and edit them until I would fall asleep. I wold wake up the next morning completely unaware any of this had happened but completely in love with the results of how my photos came out. I not only convinced myself that I was more comfortable in my day to day on this drug, but now I was even better at doing what I love when I was high too.

I started to link that feeling to all occasions. A pill before a work meeting. A pill before a lunch date with friends or even just a dinner with Anthony. Sometimes one or two before a big social event or party. There were many times Anthony would come to my house after I had been out drinking and he couldn't even wake me up if he were to shake me. Let me just say first off, that I was not sly with my addiction whatsoever on the outside. But I definitely thought I was. Whenever I was high, everybody knew. I'd be telling people things I already told them, mumbling and slurring anything I would say, sometimes straight up ignoring people when they would talk to me. This had been going on since the beginning of our relationship, and I thank god he saw me through this so we can now enjoy the healthy and happy part of my life. But while I was addicted, I didn't admit to this as a problem. I admitted to having anxiety and that this was what got me through. And I admitted that "sometimes" I went over board but that I knew how to control it. This drug is very normalized in our generation. So many actresses/actors will name drop Xanax that it helps them get by. I get that not everybody has a problem with it. The problem with the people who portray it like it's something they do casually, is there are other people out there- like me, who think they can do the same.

There were a lot of dark days and bad decisions made during this whole period of my life. I can't say I'm a year clean, because I had a few slip ups since that event. But I am a year free from addiction. I still struggle with anxiety on a daily basis, but I don't have to fight the constant pressure to keep this medicine at the top of my priorities anymore. It doesn't control me anymore. I am okay with feeling human again, and having feelings of anxiety, and then pushing through regardless. Putting myself in situations that make me uncomfortable and going through with them is now way more of a powerful feeling than what those pills gave me. I really am so proud of myself for getting to the other side of where I am today. On new years eve last year in that hospital room Anthony was sitting by my side holding my hand. I can't even begin to explain how blessed I am to have him in my life.

A lot of things are changing for the better in my life right now and it's amazing. I felt like this was the perfect time to sit down and type out this story, and then let it stay in my past. Today I am thankful for my power to overcome anything thrown my way, for my ability to acknowledge my own feelings and to admit my mistakes. And to anyone reading this who is facing the same struggle or something similar, you're not alone. It seems scary and impossible to get past, but once you do, you won't believe how strong you are without those strong forces that you thought you always needed.

Here's to many more new years ahead… each beginning with new perceptions and strengths

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michaelaftonsluv · 2 years

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MICHAEL AFTON X READER VALENTINES DAY HEADCANNONSSSSS

G/N reader! sfw

EDIT: LITERALLY I TRIED TO MAKE THESE WHILE I WAS IN MY CLASSES I STRAIGHT UP COULDNT DAWG!! I HAD TO TURN MY BRIGHTNESS DOWN SM TODAY... Also if anyone wants to be moots on twt my twt is ballorasbabe... also lmk if you want more

- tbh he probably forgot about valentines after his long night shift, but you reminded him when he got home.

- “totally didn’t forget that- uh- what would you like to do, darling?”

- you told him you’d like to sleep for a few hours, since you had been waiting for him all night

- he complies, getting dressed into his pajamas and falling asleep with you in his arms

- you woke up at like 11 am to him not next to you anymore. confused, you decided to look around

- you found him in the kitchen, making you breakfast. he turned around and frowned

- “this was supposed to be a suprise.” he said putting on a “oh i’m sad but i don’t want to make you feel bad” smile

- you reassured him and told him you’d go back to your bedroom and pretend you didn’t see him. he smiled

- you went back to your bedroom and surely enough, 15 minutes later, michael emerges from your doorway, carrying a tray of your favorite breakfast dishes

- michael isn’t the best cook, so you were VERY surprised when everything tasted really good

- “surprised? i put a lot of love into it.”

- you smiled, finished your food, and asked michael what the plans were for today

- he told you he was wondering if you wanted to go on a picnic or to your favorite restaurant

PICNIC

- he was surprised, but told you to get ready and he’d start preparing food

- you put on a turtleneck and a pair of jeans and helped him out with food, giving him small pecks to the cheek once in a while

- you two would drive to a park near a river, his hand on your thigh the whole way there

- when you got to the park, michael got the food out of the trunk and you got the blanket

- when everything was set up he could NOT stop giving you attention, from little pecks on the cheek to forehead kisses that lasted a bit too long

- he could NOT keep his hands off of you you looked SOOOOOOO beautiful to him (you always do but yk today especially bc valentines-)

- you would feed extra food to birds in the park

- ok maybe only i see this but i feel like whenever michael sees a baby in a stroller he says “that’s gonna be us one day” or something like that

- “we’re gonna be babies???”

- “NO! not what i meant-“

- you kissed him :))))

RESTAURANT

- “get on your nicest outfit, babe.”

- you VERY MUCH did, putting on his favorite outfit of yours

- when you showed him, you could’ve sworn he had hearts in his eyes

- “woah i um.....”

- “dont act like you haven’t seen me in this outfit before, it’s your favorite for a reason!”

- “i know i know! it just.. never gets old.”

- he was wearing a purple button up with a suit jacket and dressy pants. it was nice.

- like the picnic, he had his hand on your thigh the whole way there

- when you got to the restaurant, he did not hesitate to put his arm around you

- he was very possessive of you always, you were always so perfect in his eyes

- you ordered your favorite dish and some red wine

- he ordered a filet mignon and also, some red wine.

- in the middle of dinner he would randomly take your hand and kiss it

- “i’m so lucky to have you in my life.”

- when you two were finished, you payed the bill and left

- as you were leaving the restaurant, michael noticed it was raining, to which he took off his suit jacket and put it on your shoulders.

- he was trying to rush you to the car but instead you stopped him and put your arms behind his neck.

- now this man looks SO FINE when his hair is wet SO FINE (I HOPE YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?????)

- anyways

- “you look SO handsome right now”

- he kissed you in the rain, you having to to on your tippy toes

- “i love you.”

happy valentine’s day <3

#michael afton x reader #michael afton #fnaf #five nights at freddy's #fanfiction

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lokisprettygirl · 2 years

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Mystery of Laufey Manor (Loki x Female Reader) (Horror Au)

Read chapter 10 here // Series Masterlist

Chapter 11

Summary : Follow your heart they say, but does it always take you on the right path?

He asked you to marry him last night, when you woke up you thought it was all a dream but you remember it clearly, he laid you down on the bed, he whispered filthy words in your ears, he told you that he wants you to be his wife before he gets to fuck you. His wife. Mrs. Laufeyson. The thought did make you giddy, you always wanted to belong to someone. To have what your parents had in each other, you remember your mom making breakfast in the morning and your dad would just hug her from behind randomly, you wanted that too.

But is he the one? Can you uproot your whole life and follow him? You didn't know, you needed to be sure, there was no denying that you felt strongly for him, he made you nervous but also calmed you down. As you got ready for the day and stepped out, he was in the kitchen as usual, you wondered if he'd still do this after you two are married and your relationship isn't new anymore. Afterall you only met him a few months ago and you weren't in touch with him for most of that time.

"Good morning" he got really upset when you hugged him from behind yesterday so you kept your distance today. He turned around and smiled at you, then he walked towards you and pulled you in for a hug

"Good morning love" God he smelled good. That was one of the things you adored about him, he kept things tidy. He showered twice a day, even when he cooked, the kitchen seemed clean, he always had a towel in his hand, everytime he made a spill he'd clean it up quickly, he just didn't like the mess it seemed.

"Did you sleep well?" He asked you so you smiled at him and walked towards the refrigerator to take the carton of orange juice out .

"Are you upset about something?" He asked you again and you shook your head

"No I'm just.. thinking about last night" you were thinking about it, that's all you were thinking about to be fair.

"About the proposal?" He asked you and you nodded. He put his hand inside his waistcoat's pocket and took out a ring, you didn't miss the shiny little thing, it was hard to miss it when it shined like that. The diamond in the center was circular in shape and emerald green, the band was thick and gold. It looked really expensive but antique.

"I wanted to give this to you when would ask for your hand, but ..it just felt right to ask you in that moment last night" he looked at you with such sincerity it made your heart flutter but this wasn't an easy decision for you to make

"Loki..I.. I really do enjoy spending time with you and I know this can build into something more but I..I need more time..it's too soon" you hated the look you saw in his eyes as you said that, you didn't want to hurt him at all but at the same time you didn't want to make a hasty decision

"It's alright love, take your time if you wish to" he chuckled slightly as he looked down so you walked towards him in order to comfort him but then he spoke again.

"Breakfast is ready, my meeting with Mr Stark got preponed so I should get back to the hotel and prepare" he put the ring back inside his pocket, then he stepped out of the kitchen, grabbed his coat and left.

"Fuckkk" as soon as he was out of sight you started to miss him, you didn't like feeling so conflicted. You opened the shop and you had absolutely no customers until the evening, that made you want to cry your heart out, since Mr Roy backed out, some of the other dealers did as well, you'd have to lose the shop you knew that.

Around 7 pm an older man visited you and introduced himself as Nicholas Fury, he said he wanted to buy your shop, and he was ready to pay whatever amount you desired.

"Why would you want to buy this shop, it's not even that big?" You asked him and he chuckled

"It's my business, and the location is perfect for whatever I'm going to use it for, look miss, people talk alright? I know your shop isn't doing well, take this offer, I'm being more than generous" you heard the doorbell ring and Loki walked in, he looked at the other man then he looked at you

"I'll think about it and let you know" he nodded and gave you his card, he was a builder of some kind.

"Who was that?" Loki asked you so you sighed

"He wants to buy this shop..the shop my dad had for 25 years, he loved this place, he loved .." your voice choked on your tears so he walked behind the counter and pulled you into a hug.

"I'm sorry love, I wish I could do something now, but I promise you once the mill gets back to its prime position I'll come back and buy this from whosoever you sell it to"

"You don't..you don't have to..I just..he'd be so disappointed in me" you sobbed into his arms as the emotions overwhelmed you.

"No no darling ..don't be foolish, you're the only one of his children who strived to salvage his legacy, he'd be nothing but be proud of the fine young woman he has raised, you're remarkable my love, times are tough for now but it always changes, things will get better soon I promise and I'll get this back for you, I promise that too" you placed your head down on his chest, his heartbeat seemed to always calm you down whenever you felt like you were on the verge of a panic attack.

"You don't have to..I'm sure he would have appreciated the gesture" you smiled

"Glad to know but I won't be doing this for your father or to save his dying wish" you looked at him as he said that

"The first time I saw you, it was right here, in this place, the moment I laid my eyes upon you I felt this deep sense of belonging, a connection beyond this realm. If I had the slightest hint as to how precious your existence would become to me, I might have saved that moment somehow. Alas I can't do that but I can save this place, where I saw you for the first time and I will someday"

You felt dumbfounded by his words, nobody has ever made you feel so important, as if you mattered more to him than he was able to show you. He asked you to marry him but even then you were not able to grasp how serious he was about it, but now in this moment as he stood there and bared his soul open, all you wanted to do was stay in his arms forever and never let go.

"Thank you, did your presentation go well?" You asked him and you felt his gloves finger wiping your tears.

"Yess it did, I'm heading back for UK tomorrow, I just wanted to come see you one last time"

"You're leaving?" You didn't know why you felt so shocked and hurt, of course he won't stay here forever if he have no reason to, he told you that clearly yesterday

"I have to sweetheart, I didn't want to make the same mistake I made last time when I left without saying goodbye, it hurt you immensely and I would never want to hurt you on purpose" he took out an envelope from his coat pocket and placed it in your hand

"Read it after I'm gone, and just remember that I'm just a phone call away, if you ever need me just give me a ring" he pulled you in for a hug then he kissed your forehead before he stepped out of your shop. His eyes were teary as he looked at you for the last time and so were yours, you didn't want him to leave, not at all, he has made you feel things you have only dreamt of, he has touched you without really touching you.

When you went home that night, you opened the envelope, it had a letter just like the one he wrote before, he told you to open it after he had left but you couldn't wait anymore, you were not that patient.

"My beloved,

By the time you read this I would be gone. As dejected as I am that you declined my proposal, I'll never forget you or how you have made me feel in the last few months. It is truly fascinating how besotted I am by you. They say the true assessment of real love is distance, and I think we have already sailed through it when we were separated by distance and time, the infatuation would have faded in our time apart from each other but it didn't.

When I came back I was afraid you wouldn't look at me the way you used to, I was terrified of losing your interest in me, I thought the distance must have made you forget all about me but all my worries vanished when I found you angry and upset with me, I despised hurting you so greatly but it did assure me that you still cared about me and that's why you were upset.

Forgive me darling if my proposal felt too hastened or my motives seemed flawed. I only and only wanted to make you happy, take you away from all the hurt, all the pressure of wanting to live up to your father's expectations and wishes. I don't know what compelled me to ask you that question last night but having you in my arms like that, having you under me felt like magic, like home. I could envision our whole life together in that moment and it looked so beautiful darling, it's the most delightful vision, of course after you my love.

I would like to take this moment and thank you from the deepest part of my heart for giving me the blessing of knowing you better, you truly are one of a kind my love and I love you.

I love you my little darling.

Loki

You couldn't stop your tears as you finished reading his letter, you didn't want to lose him at all, you wanted to follow him wherever he'd go. Why did have you to confine yourself in societal norms, why can't you just take a leap of faith for once? Why can't you be impulsive and just run away with him and live the life he promised you? You read his letter again and again and again, your fear diminished more and more with every read.

Next morning you got up early, you didn't know what time his flight would leave, but you knew you weren't ready to lose him. So you called the hotel but they said he had already checked out of there and left for the airport. So you took a cab, your heart was thumping, you didn't want him to leave. You didn't want him to leave you here.

As you reached the airport, you checked the time table, his flight had left already. Your eyes teared up instantly, you wanted to stop him, you wanted to tell him that you'd go with him. You wanted to marry him and live in the countryside, In a home far away from here. Like he wanted to. You felt it all slipping away from you in that very moment and you hated it.

Your heart broke as you realised that he was gone, it all seemed so wrong. However when you reached the apartment, he was there, leaning against the door. For a second you thought you were just hallucinating but he had his cane placed in front of him as he held it with both of his hands while his head was placed on the door and he had his eyes closed. He was there.

"Lokiii" you walked towards him slowly and he instantly stepped away from the door and started to move towards you

"My darling, I went to the shop..it was closed and you weren't there, I was so worried" you quickened your pace and wrapped your arms around him, he placed the cane against the side wall and then he hugged you back.

"I went..I went to the airport to..to stop you from leaving..I thought you had left and the pain I felt..oh it still hurts.. please don't leave"

He cupped your cheeks and you turned your head slightly to kiss his hands one by one, he didn't have the gloves on and you were thankful for that.

"I was about to, I went to the airport and then..I just felt this pull..I just knew you were calling me and you wanted to see me, I have never had such an earnest feeling before, I wanted to run to you and maybe..just maybe ask you to reconsider your decision and that's why I'm here..I don't want to leave you all alone here my darling love"

His voice sounded so tender, so soft, he was so gentle in the way he held you so close to him..

"Then take me with you" you whispered softly and his eyes widened a little bit

"Love I.."

"Take me..let's run away together..I don't care, my parents are gone but I'm still here. I still have my whole life, I don't want to lose you..you said the distance didn't affect your feelings right? But how long? How long would you remember me for if you leave today? Feelings no matter how strong they are..it fades with time and distance, I don't want them to fade..I want to take this chance with you lo.. let's get married"

And he smiled, you have never seen him smile until then but now that you did, you always wanted to see him like that. He's beautiful in every sense of the word, even if he thinks otherwise.

"You have made me the happiest man in the whole world and no matter what happens I will never forget you my sweet, never" he took out the ring from his pocket and asked for your hand

"May I?" You smiled and gave him your left hand, then he slid the ring on your finger. Engaged to be married. You couldn't believe it, but it felt right, it felt perfect.

He stayed a little longer after that, he didn't want to leave without you, he was taking you with him as Mrs Loki Laufeyson, as his wife.

He helped you sell the shop and you two decided to do a courthouse marriage, the date was set, you didn't know that many people, but you invited your siblings. Your sister was appalled by your sudden decision and refused to be a part of it, your older brother who you lovingly addressed as Jimmy did visit you but as soon as he saw Loki he was in doubts about him. All he knew about him was the fact that he was from Dorset and had a textile business

Lord Loki Laufeyson, when you saw his name in the official document is when you found out that he was an aristocrat, a nobleman. Jimmy warned you to think about this again but you had made your decision, everytime you looked at him, everytime he was there for you when you needed him, everytime he held you so close to him. You knew your decision wasn't wrong. He wasn't wrong for you.

You had your whole life to get to know him better. You were in no rush.

💀💀💀💀💚💚💚💚💀💀💀💀💀

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