#I dont wanna be homeless or in a shelter but I also dont really wanna be here lolol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

totentnz · 9 months

Note

For the sleepy dialogue prompt: 7!! :3c

Sleepy Dialogue

7. "Did you dream about me?" and "Just put your head on my shoulder." First is (implied) SilverV and the other is some backstory ft. Vincent!

"Did you dream about me?"

v clung onto sleep this morning, comfortably lying on her stomach with one cheek pressed to her pillow. she remained in this position in an attempt to drift off again. a futile attempt as it did not go unnoticed with her roommate - brainmate. "did ya dream about me?" his voice reverberated in her skull, low and rough at the edges as if his own dreams had chipped away at it. v gripped her pillow a little tighter, she really needed to wash these sheets. there was also weight on the mattress beside her; nibbles most likely. "wouldnt blame ya for wantin to go back to sleep." she heard the cockiness in his voice but it didnt frustrate her. he wasn't mocking her; it was flirtatious banter. "like that hm? so smitten with ya, spendin all my waking hours with ya isnt enough?" she lifted her weight up with both her arms, just to collapse back onto the bed, face first into the pillow. the weight also shifted but v did not think to look; this felt nice. "didn't tune in this time?" she answered, her voice slightly muffled by the pillow. "nah. i got some of your memories. bummer, your wet dreams are always so entertaining." johnny replied and there was movement again, it clearly wasn't nibbles since the size didn't fit but v wasn't connecting the dots. "there is plenty of sex in there, maybe one day you will get lucky." she shrugged and raised one hand to her head to scratch her scalp. "yeah, turns out you used to have fun sometimes." there was a certain tinge to his voice that v couldn't quite place but seemed familiar nonetheless. her brow knit together in confusion as the sudden change in tone threw her off. movement again, this time the weight was lifted from the bed. she open her eyes to scan the room for his figure. after a few moments the sound of nibbles scratching on her apartment door, asking to be let in almost startled her. disappointment or maybe regret settled into her chest now.

"Just put your head on my shoulder."

it had only been about a week since they escaped; from their childhood home, their parents and their torment. the final confrontation between their father and v had cost her an eye and him a wounded ego. the twins knew however that their tormentors would not just let them leave and so they had to stay on the move; be a pair of ghosts until they turned eighteen and would be truly free. their new way of living had already taken it's toll, they had nowhere to stay; all the homeless shelters were stock full and even if they weren't they couldn't risk having the badges called on them. "why cant we just stay with the doc? he helped us and he seems nice." vincent asked as he wrapped his arms around his body in an attempt to keep what warmth he had. v only replied with a grumble, she didn't like the thought; they were already in debt to him after he tended to her wounds. "he said he'd help us." there was hopefulness in his voice or maybe naivety; he truly believed his words. when his sister didn't reply he looked upward, scanning the lit windows and wondering what the people in their flats were doing. v had set down a piece of cardboard for them to rest on and finally replied. "dont trust him." she said. "who just helps someone without expecting anything in return?" her pessimism didn't surprise him but the answer was clear to vincent: a good person. his gaze was still directed upward and v indulged as well. "i wanna go home." he mumbled more to himself but it didn't escape her. the statement shot a bolt of unidentifiable emotions through her body. she cant go back. not to that place. not to those people. she had finally broken free of her prison and she would rather freeze to death on the streets than die a coward in the house she grew up in. vincent could felt her reaction; their bond had strengthened over the years of having only each other. v didn't believe in the esoteric side of twin bond but he could feel it every day: her joy lifting his own spirits, her despair deepening his own, her anger seeping into him. "we don't have a home." she finally spoke, bitterness radiating from every syllable; he could almost taste the bile. he finally looked at her again and his eyes were drawn to the dirty bandage wrapped around her head, concealing the wound where her left eye used to be. v noticed his gaze and turned away from him. he leaned against the wall and slid down to sit on the cardboard, one hand grabbing hers to pull her down with him. she followed to sit next to him, huddling together. "we can find one. make one." v slung her arm around him, cradling his head in her palm and he allowed her to pull it down to rest on her shoulder. "tomorrow." she nuzzled the top of his head with her face. "get some rest, i'll keep watch."

#thank you bishi! you are a lifesaver as always #abuse mention #oc:v #oc:vincent #otp; just the two of us #p; a little bit happy #imagine hoping to wake up next to your soulmate almost every morning #and then when he decides to lay down beside you you dont notice until its too late #fuckin idiot #also me pressing the post button is the same as me pulling a trigger becuase i need to stop looking at this

7 notes · View notes

midiport · 3 years

Note

aye someone tag saffronia in this shit bitch got me blocked lmfao. you can suck the skin off my dick though you pussy ass hoe thinkin ur hard with your impotent rage and your rich daddy lawyer making 6 figures. why do u feel so guilty for being rich? why are you such a narcissist? why you think someone wont just knock your ass out in the real world? because you’re from the fucking suburbs and you ain’t real and you ain’t never been hard or on shit in your life except daddy issues and rich guilt. also, you got no friends because of how you treat other people you disgusting ass greasy ass dry pussy ass hoe. go run to ya pops and ask him to litigate me too because i’ll beat the civil case if it comes to it. you are a hoe to your fucking core and a fucking phony ass fraud and when i was down on my fucking mental health and in the gutter, you pushed me further into toxicity you abolute fucking piece of human garbage. karma got its fucking kiss for you, you private school headass bitch. 2000$ birthdays and christmas gifts ass hoe. Lame ass bitch. You just mad bc your Republican daddy named u after his favorite president. You know, Mr Iran Contra Mr Sell Crack To Black Neighborhoods Ronald fucking Reagan you absolute fucking hoe. Pull up and put up or shut up you fake ass wannabe middle school bully. I got a pretty big family btw ;) So on God, you need to lose your little egotistical guilt complex and be a normal fucking human you toxic ass garbage ass hoe. I ain’t gonna be the one to do it, but you will get your ass beat someday. You’re gonna cherry pick the things you dont like about this and put them under your magnifying glass to try and twist this to your own agenda and your little following of 15 year olds and shit but. You’re fucked in the head. Your daddy is beating the bottle btw. You trash ass hoe. Pull up on me bitch. You wanna say I ain’t hard but.. hmmmm. You don’t know what I’ve been doing in my life bc this is th internet you fucking pussy. You are bitchmade lmfao and the world sees it and you have your little echo chamber of friends who dont even really ride for u like that, they just act like it. <3 You nearly pushed me off the ledge back then for psychosis, so God got his day for you, fucking cunt. You’re never alone. You look like u eat beans straight out the can.. You see a homeless person or a poor person and look away and say “ew”. You walk faster in lower income areas because you are a sheltered ass bitch.. You are a hoe. Also ur mans prolly smells like funyuns. Bye <3

#asks

34 notes · View notes

lu-undy · 4 years

Note

Another sniperspy hc! Hope you lije this one too! (if u wanna write it ofc dont wanna pressure u!). Spy has anxiety, a little, but still has it; and it mostly shows when he is touchstarved. He gets nervous and a little overwhelmed but he hides it trying to play it cool. He stays in his room in the ceasefires all alone but that just makes things worse. He needs cuddles, but he'll neer admit it, never asks for them. And it gets worse. And Spy breaks, just a little, but Snipes notices and helps❤️🐑

Here we go! Sorry about the delay, I have to juggle with work and my long fic at the same time. I hope you’ll like it :)

"Oh, Scout, please, go fuck yourself."

The young man insisted.

"Spy, c'mon man, you-"

"I said: go fuck yourself."

"You can't just say that?!"

Spy was in his room. All the lights were off, only the dancing flames of the fireplace lit his smoking room. The Frenchman was sitting on his armchair, a glass of wine in his hand and an annoyed look on his face.

"Scout if you stand behind my door one more second, I will push every single blade I have into you, in places where you couldn't possibly pull them out."

He answered, his teeth gritted and his jaw clenched angrily.

"Jeez, fine…!"

The Frenchman was pissed off. He had played his part very poorly that day and even though his colleagues respected him enough to not mention it, he could see it in their eyes. He had disappointed them, and he could hardly look at himself in the mirror for it.

There was one pair of eyes that was stuck in his mind. Those lagoon blue eyes had dwelled on him for the entire duration of his dinner, they had spoken louder thatn any voice.

What Spy needed was red wine, a strong, almost bitter château. Ah, some cheap Spanish one would do. There were very few occasions the Frenchman would betray his country: when he needed the alcohol to sting his soul from the inside was one of them. He just needed something to hurt him physically, something that transferred the pain from his soul to somewhere he could point at, on his body.

Spy emptied the glass and poured more, grunting. The strong sourness hurt the back of his throat. Good. He threw his gloves away and undid his tie. It flew straight to the floor. He had removed his jacket and his vest and was now undoing the first couple of buttons on his shirt.

The Frenchman was sitting on the edge of his armchair, his elbows planted on his thighs and his head hanging low. He wasn't proud of himself and he didn't have the energy to pretend that he was in front of his colleagues, so his isolation in the deafening silence and darkness of his lonely room was the best course of action.

He put a hand on his face and let it sink from his brow down to his chin. A knock interrupted him.

"Scout, no respawn will fix what I am about to do to you." He said angrily.

"It's not Scout." A muffled voice answered across the door.

"Leave me alone." He answered, as if he didn't know who it was, as if he hadn't recognised that voice.

"C'mon, open the door."

"Non, go away."

"I won't."

Spy heard a thud and rolled his eyes. He knew the man behind that door could be awfully patient. He could picture him, sat down on the Frenchman's doormat, his back against the wall. That was the thud, he had dropped himself on the other side of the door with the knife symbol. And Spy knew he could wait there for hours.

"I am not up for games. Go back to your van."

"Neither am I. I didn't come to play anythin' with you."

Silence fell. Spy wondered while his visitor pulled his hat in front of his face to block the light from the corridor and rest his eyes more comfortably. He had all his time. He knew his own patience could match Spy's ego. So he waited, sat there, like a homeless man would find shelter under the front facade of a shop when it rains. He waited, his eyes closed and his hat on his eyes.

The man with the absurdly long legs let them flow in front of him. He didn't know how long he had been waiting but the base had gone totally silent. The light in the corridor had switched off a long time ago now.

Inside the room, the Frenchman had stopped drinking since his visitor had sat there.

Spy grumbled and stood up. He went to the door, making sure that his footsteps could be heard. The visitor opened his eyes and unstuck his back from the door. The footsteps stopped. There was a moment of hesitation before the doorknob twisted and the door opened.

Spy looked down.

"Come in. Don't stay sat there."

The man under the hat stood up and straightened his back before entering. Spy quickly shut the door after him.

"What do you want?" The Frenchman asked.

"To not let you get pissed alone. And on cheap wine at that…"

Sniper had gone next to the sofa and took the bottle of wine in his hand to read the label. The Frenchman almost regretted the wine tasting lessons to his colleague.

"This is shite wine, Spy, what's your problem?"

Spy sat on the sofa.

"None of your concern."

Sniper sat down next to him.

"Yeah, it's none of anyone's business but yours, you're right. So what is it?"

The Frenchman put his fingers on his temples. Now that they were both facing the flames, Sniper could see him better. He looked disheveled, his shirt open, without a tie and a miserable look on his face. Had it not been for the taylor-made shirt and trousers, the Australian would have looked better dressed.

"I know you did shit today. And I also know it doesn't look like you. You're better than that, I know it and you do too. So what's special about today?"

The Frenchman sighed.

"Again, none of your concern."

"Is it your birthday or somethin'?"

Spy shot him a murderous glance. He was nowhere near the point where he could appreciate any joke. His icy blue eyes split the dark room sharply, like the sheen of the short blades he liked so much.

"You don't want to say, eh?"

"Non, I don't."

"So why did you let me in?"

"To not let you rot on my doormat."

"Pfff, even Scout could lie better than that." Sniper answered and it did strike a nerve. The Frenchman clenched his jaw.

"If you didn't let me in to talk, it's cause you need somethin' else."

Sniper stood up and headed to the small kitchen area in his colleague's flat.

"Now, I'm gonna make us some herbal tea. It won't make you talk but it'll help your nerves."

The Australian kept the lights off. He filled a kettle with water and put in on the stove to heat up. When the water boiled, he poured it in 2 mugs and took 2 tea bags out of his pocket. Spy's eyebrows jumped. Those teabags showed that Sniper had prepared himself and hadn't come by chance or politeness. His mind was set to help the bitter Frenchman.

A minute later, he brought the two mugs. He handed one to his colleague and that's when he realised that Spy wasn't wearing his gloves. Sniper's brow furrowed for a short instant. Observant as he was, Spy saw it.

They both took a sip.

"Something's the matter, Sniper?"

"Well that's cheeky. You're the one who has a problem obviously and you ask me if something's the matter?"

"You frowned. I'm just curious."

"I'll tell you what made me frown if you tell me what's pissin' you off like that."

Spy sighed.

"Today is not a good day for personal reasons." He answered.

"That doesn't tell me anythin', Spook."

"Well, too bad, I will not disclose more of it."

And silence fell again, that was only interrupted by their sips. But they soon finished their drink. Sniper leaned back on the sofa.

"So that's what you do when you're pissed off? Get drunk on shit wine, alone, in the dark?"

Spy didn't want to react but of course it affected him. He knew he looked miserable and hearing it being said aloud did not help. Sniper sat up and put his hand on Spy's thigh, right above his knee.

"You're not wearin' yer gloves. That's why I frowned."

The Frenchman double-checked and yes indeed. He didn't even think about his gloves when he opened the door. It hurt him even more.

Sniper took Spy's hand in his and opened its palm.

"Bushman!"

"Oh c'mon, it's only yer hand! I just want to see it better."

He tilted it such that he could see it well.

"Y'know I can read the lines there. Wanna know what they say?"

The Frenchman didn't answer.

"Well, they say that it doesn't matter if you don't tell me what your problem is."

Sniper moved closer to his friend.

"You need someone to help, because you're not making it out of this on yer own. And shit alcohol won't do either."

Spy raised his eyes to finally look at his colleague with something else in his eyes than blind rage. The way that Sniper traced the lines on his hand, how he delicately handle his palm, it all surprised him. The man lived in a van, in the most rustic way, yet he was holding his hand like he would a delicate flower. The tickling of his index tracing the lines through Spy's palm was almost poetic.

The Frenchman hid his face with his other hand.

"Hey…"

Sniper got even closer. Now their thighs were touching and Spy felt an arm wrap around his back, pulling him to his friend. Without a second thought, he bent on his side and leaned on Sniper's side, his head below the Australian's chin, closing his eyes.

The marksman got surprised by the suddenness but didn't question it and hugged his friend, lacing his other arm on his left shoulder.

"I don't care why you're annoyed. I just want it to stop. No one wants to see you like that. I watched you during dinner. You were fumin' with rage and you didn't eat much. 's not good."

The vibrations of Sniper's voice travelled through the Frenchman and made his insides relax. There was something about his voice and the embrace. Spy needed more of it. He wrapped his arms around Sniper and buried his head deeper in his friend's chest. He wanted to say something, anything! But the words failed him.

"So that's what you needed all along? A good hug?"

Of course, Spy stayed mute. Was his clinging to his friend's polo shirt not enough of an answer?

But suddenly Spy felt Sniper moving, pulling him. His eyes snapped open as he followed his friend's movements, not really understanding what he was doing. Sniper kept him close all along and soon stopped moving, when he was laying on his back, on the sofa, his feet dangling off of it. Spy was on top of him, his arms still around Sniper's sides and his head below his chin. That way, the Australian couldn't see how hard he was frowning…

The Frenchman would never admit how much he loved the embrace. And Sniper's hand brushing his back and his other one behind his head... Non, Sniper had understood what Spy needed and wordlessly obliged, without the grumpy one even having to ask.

There was a blanket on the nearby armchair. The Australian extended his arm and took it. The next thing Spy knew, he was sandwiched between the softness of the duvet and the warmth of Sniper's body.

He squeezed Sniper tighter for an instant.

"You're welcome. Now, try and get some sleep, will ya?"

Spy raised his head of his friend's chest and looked him in the eye.

"Merci." [Thank you.]

Sniper was looking at him with a smile. He cupped Spy's head and left a silent kiss on his forehead, on the fabric of the mask. Spy's eyes opened wide. With one hand he swiftly removed the mask and threw it away, and ignoring Sniper's total shock, he looked up at him and asked him with his eyes…

The Australian took a second to process what had just happened and he devoured his friend's face with his eyes. He put his palms on the Frenchman's naked cheeks and slid his fingers up through his hair. Spy closed his eyes, focusing on the touch on his face. He was really just thanking that one man whose patience was infinite with him.

Sniper pulled him and kissed, not his forehead.

#tf2 sniper #tf2 spy #sniperspy #sniperxspy

70 notes · View notes

cinnaminsvga · 4 years

Note

grilling the grump please! curious to find who the aforementioned grump is...

LMAOOOO jimin is the grump in that fic,,, this fic was inspired by my own experience living in a dormitory as well as my time working as an RA,,, he’s based on this guy who hated my guts (and we almost ended up becoming roommates lol) and its just... hes so stupid and i hate him but i also wanna date him yenno? its perfect for jimin lol

title: grilling the grump

pairing: ra!jimin x ra!reader

genre: e2l, fluff, humor/crack

premise: jimin hates the oc for no reason (according to her) but really its because he caught her hoarding toilet paper the day before his dormitory “mysteriously” got teepee’d. all the dorm kids ship them together, especially after jimin declares oc as his self-declared rival.

other points about the fic: i really wanna include this scene where jimin and oc lowkey do that parent thing where they brag about their “kids” to each other in a subtle powerplay way,,, like jimin is all “my baby jungkook cooked seventy meals for the homeless shelter the other day.” and oc is like “well, angelica was the only person in her class to ace her exam so top THAT” and jimin’s all “brains aren’t everything” and oc’s all “yea, you would say that considering you dont have any” and so on and so forth lol

send me an ask with the title that most intrigues you and i’ll post a little snippet of it or tell you something about it!

#yes that conversation actually happened to me irl HASJDHASD #minus when oc said 'you dont have any' because i would never say that to anyone #not even matt... even though hes stupid as hell #okay hes not stupid hes actually really smart and i hate him for it #HE JUST... NEEDS BETTER EQ I S2G #kinda glad i dont have to live near him this semester bc of online classes but man #for the last three years of uni... hes always been there... antagonizing me... GRRRR #wip game #Anonymous #answered

8 notes · View notes

itstheapocalypsebaby · 5 years

Text

TUA Power HCs Part 1!

Luther

Discovered them at age 3 (He was the first)

He accidentally broke one of their nannies fingers

Had trouble controlling his strength (still does)

For personal training Reginald first made him build up his body

Because just cause he had incredible strength, didnt mean his body could take said strength

He used to accidentally break his arms when he used too much strength

They always healed fast though

As if they never broke to begin with

Baby Luther used to hide the fact that he broke/sprained/bruised his arms, legs, basically any part of his body because he felt like a failure whenever he got hurt

Later in life (maybe at 10?) Reginald discovers that Luther not only is super strong but also had super endurance

(Special Training was not fun that year, Reginald wanted to see how long he could last without food, water, air, shelter, etc.)

After that year, special training was a mix between building up his strength (weight lifting heavier and heavier objects every week) and building up his endurance (running around the room carrying a crap ton of weights, carrying a really really heavy weight and Reginald seeing how long he could carry it before his body gave out)

Diego

They first discovered his ability to breathe underwater first

Diego unlike his sibling absolutely adored bath time as a child

He would stay in the tub for hours if he could

One time his nanny had to leave him in the tub because one of his siblings was having a tantrum

She comes back to a sleeping Diego

Who's asleep in the tub

submerged in water

Was lowkey jealous of his siblings' powers while growing up

Reginald was so disappointed in him for having such a "useless ability"

Poor baby took it into heart :(

Special Training was awful before he found out his secondary power

Reginald wanted to see how long Diego could last underwater (he discovers Diego could last an indefinite amount of time down there)

He stopped liking water after that

He finds out about his secondary power at age 6

He likes to help Grace in cooking and usually cuts up the vegetables for her

He gets really good with the knife

So when Reginald demands he learns to wield a weapon he immediately chooses the knife

At first its was all stabby stabby but then one of his siblings goads him enough to rashly throw the knife at them

His aim is perfect. The knife is sailing through the air, going exactly where he wants it to be, except he wanted it to be in their head and oh god Diego panics, he didnt mean to throw that knife he never meant to hurt his siblings and he loves them and -

The knife is sailing towards his sibling's head and then it suddenly curves

Diego runs up to his sibling and hugs them and apologizes

Diego never wanted to pick up a knife after that

But then through some persuasion (Allison), he forgets the incident and picks it up again

Special training is all about accuracy and precision. All about moving targets, really tiny targets, living targets

Reginald wanted to know how much he could curve, what could he curve and all that jazz

Diego learns Physics because its an absolute must

(He learns how hard he has to throw for it to curve that much, how fast it needs to be to keep in the air even after it curves, how heavy should the knife be if he wants this specific result)

At first its hard and because he can curve anything he likes through pure instinct why does he need to learn Math?

But Reginald wants him to be as accurate as possible

(He motivates Diego by putting Mom and his siblings in situations where one false error could lead to their deaths)

He learns physics quickly

(Five and him bond over physics, Five helps him, He helps Five until Five gets too advanced and well...)

He actually gets super good and can do equations on the fly

People are constantly surprised at the amount of math needed for his powers

Allison

as a kid had absolutely no control on when her powers would activate

it would activate all the time leading to a lot of accidents

one time she snapped at Klaus to stop talking and he couldnt speak until she was able to reverse it

Reginald decided the best way for her to control it was through trigger phrases

she went through a lot of them because it wasnt cool enough for her

there was "listen up", "somebody once told me" (someone always interrupted her, usually Klaus, with the world was gonna roll me so she dropped it after like 3 uses) and a bunch more before settling on the iconic™ "I heard a rumor'

early on she learned that she had to be very precise with the wording or else the rumor wouldnt turn out the way she wanted it to

so special training was mainly focused on her wording, her pronunciation, and her learning other languages

allison is fluent in italian, french, spanish, mandarin, filipino, somali, she also can speak in a bunch of other languages but isnt super fluent

allison was actually pretty ok with special training until she was 10

thats when reggie brought in actual real life people

until that point she had only rumored her siblings (reginald actively encouraged it as long as he wasnt the one who got rumored) and occasionally the businessmen who came over to talk deals and shit

reggie was smart and only brought in people he was sure no one would miss, homeless hobos, drug addicts, people who lived by themselves and didnt have much family or any family at all

at first few meetings, she could stomach the feeling of wrongness

it was still easy for her to reason that what she was doing wasnt really wrong after all the commands she was issuing were really mild (like i heard a rumor you stubbed your toe, i heard a rumor you could play the piano perfectly)

they were just testing the reach of her powers

(could it rewrite your brain? create illusions, hallucinations? make you gain talents you never had? make you feel things?)

(reginald already knew her rumors could affect the memory, no need to test that, same thing with if her rumors could affect herself)

but then the more they pushed the boundaries the darker the rumors, the harder it was to stomach this sense of wrongness that threatened to swallow her whole

(could it override survival instincts? could it fake relationships? could it wreck relationships? can the human mind take multiple rumors at once? how about multiple conflicting rumors? how many rumors does it take to break the mind?)

its a lot easier to deal with special training when you cant remember

(but in her dreams she cant forget, she wakes up screaming, absolutely terrified and cant remember why)

Klaus

at first thought everyone could see the ghosts

actually he thought they werent ghosts cos they didnt appear to him with their death injuries

realized they were dead people when he accidentally walked through them

at first the ghosts were ok (they were mostly the nannies vanya killed so they were nice) they were loud and sobbed really really loud all the time but they didnt actively seek him and so he didnt actively seek them either

he still didn't like his powers even back then when they werent as bad as they are now

since he didnt really have any interest in his powers, reginald forced him to use them more, to explore them

klaus really didn't want to talk to any ghost so Reginald locks klaus into the mausoleum for the first time

this is where everything goes to shit btw

Klaus is absolutely terrified because these ghosts arent like the ghosts in the mansion (the nannies)

these ghost were malicious and horrible and they were dead for so long that they lost any sense of self or humanity in them

this is where klaus develops his fear of the ghost and his powers

this is where klaus loses a grip on his powers and it causes horrible repercussions

he sees the way they died now

and it terrifies him even more

from ages 8 to 11 hes facing the full force of his powers whenever hes trapped in the mausoleum

every session his fear gets worse and worse

the ghosts appearance actually reflects on how he feels about them actually

thats why ben and dave dont look awful

and why the rest of the ghost do

klaus loves ben and dave

he's absolutely terrified of the rest of them

he discovers that drugs numb their abilities when one of them gets hurt badly during training and is on really heavy pain medication

maybe it Five who broke 5 ribs when sparring because luther forgot to control his strength

Five couldn't jump at all when he was on those meds and he hated it

but Klaus? the moment he put two and two together he jumped at the opportunity to temporarily get rid of his powers

he would purposely get super banged up during training just to get rid of his powers and it scared the living shit out of his siblings

they ask him to stop and he does, he doesnt like it when he scares his siblings

but the ghosts get too much and klaus is severely tempted to fuck himself up to get that sweet relief that the pain meds provide

he stumbles upon Reggies alcohol cabinet and discovers that while getting drunk doesnt exactly cut off his powers it gives him this buzz that makes it a lot more bearable

he discovers drugs when he sneaks out one night to get more booze

he starts off with weed and gets hooked

the ghosts are always worse after coming down so he scrambles to get high as soon as possible

he doesnt try anything harder until ben dies

after ben dies he spirals

TUA Power HCs Part 2 is coming up in a bit, ask me if you wanna get tagged for it :)

467 notes · View notes

worldofbangtan · 5 years

Text

Shylight pt 2

•Hybrid! Taehyung x Reader

Warning: none for right now

A/N: So I think I might post once every month as of right now :( I’ve been getting busier than I expected these two past months and I’m sorry for the late update :(( I tried to write when I had the chance my plans was to have this posted two weeks ago and then post another part this week but it didn’t turn out that way I’m so sorry everyone. However I’ll try to work on the next parts when I have time once again I’m so sorry everyone! Also I’m not sure why but Tumblr won’t let me post this chapter in full so I guess this is the first part of chapter two of that makes sense? Dont worry I have the second part of chapter two (that’s quite a long title) done I just needed to cut the chapter in half in order for it to post hhhh I might post the second part of pt 2 tomorrow I’m really tired right now since it’s late where I am thank you for having patience!

Taglist:

@baka-chanismyname @local-mochi @ssarcasticbbunny @stargazingmoonchild @reallysparklychaos @marveldcgirl2 @lilacbaby11 @lilliaflurr

To be tagged for the next part, feel free to comment down below :D

☾ ☾ ☾

It had been exactly four days since the tiger hybrid had arrived. He had been put in the exotic hybrid section. After all the domestic hybrids would probably be terrified of a tiger hybrid joining them suddenly.

Despite trying your best to convince your boss to let you into that area for once in your 3 years of working there, he denied you.

No matter how relaxed your boss was or no matter what reason like “pls I’m getting my medical degree specializing in hybrids very soon and I’ve been working here for 3 years I’m begging you”, you were still met with a cold hard no. You couldn’t exactly blame your boss especially since it was absolutely mandatory that no one without authorized access is permitted into the exotic section for the well being of both the hybrids and employee.

When it came to dealing with the hybrids, your boss took the utmost of caution and did thorough background checks on every single employee who’s job is to handle the hybrids. You had always admired that fact but right now it didn’t help you at all.

You couldn’t help the curiosity that bubbled within you whenever the door to the exotics section would open.

There were also rumors, lots of them.

Lately, they’ve mostly been centered around the tiger hybrid.

Most times you wouldn’t care for the gossip but you kept an ear out for anything on the tiger hybrid.

So far it wasn’t looking too good.

You’ve heard that tiger stayed in his corner at all times. Which really wasn’t good considering that the employees had to try harder to feed him. They tried to ask what the tiger would like but the tiger would stay silent. They just figured they should leave food at his room .

But apparently every time they left food of him, only a little was eaten.

The staff was starting to get stressed out. Hell even you were anxious for the tiger’s well-being.

Abruptly one of the employees,named Alana comes to your desk nearly on the verge of tears.

“I can’t work in there anymore.”

She slams down her card to the exotics room.

To say you were shocked would be an understatement. Alana had been one of the workers there that had been there for so long. She was incredibly patient and determined to make every hybrid feel better. Sure she was a perfectionist but she was one of the best at the shelter so it’s helpful atleast. Usually a hybrid would only take two days to open up to her.

After a minute you were the first one to speak.

“Wait what? Why?”

Her glassy eyes looked down to the floor for a second. Alana sucked in a breath.

Her voice came out shaky, “I just c-can’t do it anymore. That new hybrid is tearing me apart. I stay for hours every single damn day talking to him trying to get him to open up. But he says absolutely nothing.”

She bursted into tears.

“I can’t take it anymore, Y/N. I feel my pride breaking little by little just by being in there. I don’t wanna work with the exotics anymore.”

You felt extremely bad for the poor girl. She wasn’t used to an extreme hybrid case.

You stood and walked over to the other side of your desk to give her a hug. You stroked her hair and give her words of comfort like “it’ll be ok” or “you tried your best so it’s okay.”

It stayed this way until Alana finally calmed down.

She gave a watery smile and told you she was gonna come back in a few days.

And so she left.

And you didn’t know what to do again.

You stared at the exotics access card on your desk for a few moments until you got an idea.

You knew as a responsible secretary you should have deactivated the card until Alana came back. But..curiosity was itching within you.

You wanted to see for yourself how the toger hybrid was doing.

So you slipped the card into your pocket as you decided that you were gonna go into the exotics room for a little bit tonight.

☾ ☾ ☾

You felt the guilt rising already. You know you shouldn’t be in there.

It was just you at the shelter now. You had stayed later than everyone else even the boss.

Your boss was surprised that you stayed overtime. You passed it off by saying that you needed to finish up something. Your boss just nodded his head and cheekily said that you wouldn’t be paid for it.

You don’t mind though. You feel as if you were to have been paid then you would feel way more guilt than you do now.

You walk up to the door of the exotics room. With shaky fingers you scan the card into the slot.

It did a little ‘beep’ and opened.

You took a deep breath and went inside.

You thank your lucky stars that all lights were turned off meaning that almost all of the hybrids had been sleepy or fully asleep.

You took off your shoes to lessen the noise of your footsteps so you wouldn’t awake any hybrids by accident.

After walking around for a few minutes you realized that you had no clue as to where the tiger hybrid’s room was.

You feel like you’re getting nowhere as you sense that you passed a door a couple of times already.

Curse the identical doors

You huffed and continue on trying to find the tiger hybrid’s room.

What you didn’t expect was for the hybrid to find you first.

He stood right in front of his door. He was watching you curiously. His tail swayed from the left to the right.

He sniffed the air around him.

He looks different from last time. Well first of all there is no blood on him now.

And second, he looks anxious.

You awkwardly wave at him. You let out a nervous “hi”.

He looked down to his feet.

He meekly said “h-hi.”

He is so cute, you thought to yourself. You would have given him a hug but he looked like he was ready to bolt right into his room at any moment.

As you were lost in your thought, the tiger spoke again “I uh-..what’s your n-name?”

You were surprised you had to admit. You didn’t expect to speak again you were only expecting a ‘hi’ based from the rumors that you had heard.

Ah well you suppose you shouldn’t trust rumors.

“My name is Y/N. What’s your name?” You smiled at him.

He froze in his place and he sputtered. “M-my name is Kim Taehyung.”

Kim Taehyung huh?

Now you finally have name to match with the face.

“That’s a nice name you have there, Taehyung.”

His face lit up as a boxy smile made its way across his face. “Thank you!”

You felt as if you were blessed with the beauty of his smile. He looked so cute and squishy you didn’t know whether or not you deserved to see his smile.

You wish you could reach out to poke his cheek but you don’t because you don’t want Taehyung to think you’re weird five minutes into introducing one another.

You beamed right back at him. “No problem.”

“So..how do you like it here at the shelter?”

The tiger’s smile slowly dropped. As he fiddled with his hand he replied “Well it’s good I guess and everyone here is so nice to me. But I...” He seemed a little hesitant to go on and for a second you thought he was gonna leave at that.

But he doesn’t.

“I-i guess I’m not used to being in shelter.”

Your eyebrows furrow together as you form a question “What do you mean by that? Surely you’ve been to a shelter at least once.”

Taehyung looked a bit embarrassed as he looked down and blushed.

In a quiet voice he says, “nuh-uh”

You opened your mouth only to lose it again. You were confused.

“Have you been homeless all of your life then?? How didn’t you get caught?”

You really tried to stop the questions from coming out of your mouth, you really did. But you were just too curious for your own good so the questions start hurling out at the poor guy.

He seemed to get a little nervous by the questions as he fumbled with his clothes.

You quickly realizing your mistake added “I’m sorry you don’t have to answer.”

His shoulders seemed to relax.

“Uh thank you I don’t wanna talk about it”

You flash him a smile. “Nah I understand. It was my fault for making you uncomfortable. Don’t worry about it.”

“You’re very nice and p-pretty” Taehyung whispers to mainly to himself. But you caught onto it.

“Heh well I would hope so.”

He seemed a bit spooked as you replied to him. His cheeks flushed pink. “Sorry!”

You decided right there that you wanted to wrap him in a blanket and give him hugs and kisses because he was too cute you couldn’t handle it.

You lost yourself in thought until you heard a door open from the outside.

You and Taehyung both looked at each other in panick.

Taehyung acted fast and grabbed your wrist pulling you into his little room.

You have never been in the hybrids’ rooms before so you took the chance to look around. The room was small and it didn’t really have much color. It was white everywhere, from the walls to the floor. The only pieces of furniture there was the bed, the small closet and the rug.

Taehyung pulled you both once again to hide behind the closet. You were side by side and there was no space between you two. You felt your heart start to speed up the slightest bit as you waited with bated breathe.

1K notes · View notes

tumblunni · 5 years

Text

I wish there was a quest to like.. Renovate dr maddiman's house.

Like where does he even sleep in that hospital? It seems like his secret lab is really the only place that's remotely taken care of, and even then its just the science stuff and theres no sign of him actually taking care of HIMSELF. But still i really do like the lil cool details showing it being all lived in! The lil corner thats like Everything Life Related all dumped on one desk, and the one wall taken up by scribbled equations, and the wet leaves on the stairs showing that theyve been used recently, and stuff. And i do like the little note that the implied desk where he sleeps seems to have a modern style laptop, so thats evidence he has at least left the place where he died at least once in the last 50 years. Or well, he has at least one friend who could have got it for him? I like to imagine him and mckraken having some genuine friendship as well as just being on the same villain team, yknow? And itd be nice if all the random enemy yokai in the hospital were also his friends, because i mena we know that at least some of the Leadonis in the first game were willing to help him out in his boss battle. And there's also a lot of good environmental storytelling in the other floors of the hospital that seem kinda completely taken over by these other yokai cos maddiman rarely leaves his lab. Its just a nice touch that lots of the placement of the rubble seems like they shifted broken/useless stuff to the side to make more room for like.. Living. And some of the blocked passages are fallen bricks ans stuff while others seem like actual barricades made to keep humans out from a yokai's squatting spot. And then there's that one random tengloom npc who's like "bwah this room is my territory!" and that espy that set up an ambush room specifically to use against invading humans. So it honestly feels like theres some sort of community here? Like maddiman's just accidentally created this place where homeless yokai can band together and take care of each other. And some of them are assholes like that tengloom, fighting over who gets to be the boss of this territory cos the actual strongest yokai in the hospital is off being distracted by science. But others like Espy ans the Leadonis seem like theyre trying to set up defensive measures to protect the place and just kinda dont have any direction or agreement on what to do with it. And then theres that optional duel battle with a Snobbety in a wheelchair who brings along a band of other old person yokai who all seem to act like nursing home patients who dont realize theyre dead and they just gravitates towards a place that vaguely reminded them of the place where they died. And since snobbetty is all 'hmpf are you one of the orderlies? Its time for my pillow to be fluffed!' It seems to imply that the other yokai are indeed continuing to take care of her? I dunno if any of this was intentional but seriously it accidentally kinda gives me big feels for these lil yokais...

Anyway lol i went off on a bit of a ramble there??

Anyway what i meant is that the hospital is a big ol mess and Maddiman doesnt seem to be taking care of himself and theres also all these other dudes not living very comfortablly either. I wanna help clean up the place and at least buy the poor guy a bed or something. And i feel like if you could get all the miscellaneous yokai to band together you could help bring this place back to its former glory! And make it into a hospital for yokai now, and also like a homeless shelter. And also THE DOCTOR ACTUALLY SLEEPS IN A DAMN BED AND EATS A GOOD BREAKFAST AND IS HEALTHY AND HAPP. Oh and itd be cool if they cast some sort of forcefield on the place so it still looks like an abandoned building to humans, to keep it safe.

Also i wanna know what memes maddiman makes on his tiny laptop, lol. Ykno what you could also be doing with that? Advertising your new and reopened hospital to the whole yokai world, and moving forward into a happier future~!

I dunno i just really like how maddiman's made progress in every new game, and i like thinking about how he could keep moving forward in the next game. Also!! I want sad dad to be safe!! I feel like 'ensure he has a place to sleep and is eating food occassionally' should have been an earlier step in the redemption, lol.

1 note · View note

dog-teeth · 6 years

Note

Well, yes, I forgot about moors, sry. So, then what about changing race of important historical personalities (of any race)? I mostly asked about that last time, yesssss. Bc as for me it's not racist to save the race if that's necessary and making some white french king black is just stupid, I can't see how that will uplift the equality. Also, y do u dislike capitalism? Like, I don't wanna offend u but understand as I'm not an american at all.

i dont know im not educated enough on the topic to have a solid stance but i feel like u just keep pushing scenarios like this bc you want to exclude minorities, kinda reminds me of the way white people make up extreme circumstances in which it would be “ok” to use racial slurs they have no claim to. capitalism kills literally do you not know Anything????? the richest man in the usa right now could part with like 2% of his wealth and literally eliminate homelessness. we have an excess of food and shelter that are being denied to people because it isnt profitable. people die every day when they dont have to. its a system based on greed and power instead of community and equality and its killed millions of people do some research before you ask me questions like that please i dont want to keep explaining this when theres legit google.com Right There for you to use. sorry if i seem rude but your messages have really been rubbing me the wrong way and at this point im annoyed with having to defend the idea that diversity is good lmao

10 notes · View notes

goldenscript · 7 years

Text

neighbor!jennie

author’s note: this is in the same universe as neighbor!monsta x <3

the friend crush (turned actual crush) candidate neighbor

in other words, she’s that girl you’re dying to befriend and to get to know and all that wonder stuff

she’s pretty, sweet from what you can see in your comfortable nook beside her home, and she definitely sounds like a blast to be around

minus the times where you can practically hear her and her screeching at each other for only god knows what

last you remembered it was over the last eggo waffle but you’re not gonna judge bc waffles are pretty damn good

you know she’s also a very attentive roommate to her roomie considering she’s always buying groceries and staying up to wait for her roomie too

which also brings up the mention that the walls between the apartment spaces are so damn thin, you can literally hear everything so it’s no brainer than you’ve learned all these things abt jennie by observation than actual talking

ofc you’d love to talk to her!!! you’ve been dying to for so damn long that it actually feels painful whenever you see chances to bc you don’t take them

all

your friend taehyung’s been nagging you to do it and even your roommate jiwoo who’s been nothing but an observer of you observing jennie and to say the least the two of them just want you to come out of your shell just to say hey bc that doesn’t hurt

right?

well it doesn’t but it does hurt ur pride when jiwoo purposefully locks you out of the apartment for reasons unbeknownst to you (lmao lbr u kno why but ur in denial bC YOUR ROOMIE WOULDN’T DO THT TO U RIGHT?????,,,,,,,,,,,,,)

absolutely, postively incorrect

bc she does and ur stuck in the hallway wondering if she’s actually asleep or if she’s punking you bc you forgot milk tht one time sophomore year (mind you, y’all are third years rn n you rlly wouldn’t b surprised if jiwoo did that ‘cuz of milk tbh she’s that typa person)

and you’re abt to call taehyung and ask if you can stay at his place when you hear a voice that isn’t warbled from a thin wall and is actually directed at u

“ummmm,,, are u ok?”

you actually fumble with ur phone and that causes her to giggle and wow it just sounds so freakin’ nice but holy shit is she really talking to you rn??? is that really happening???????

you’re absolutely baffled but u manage to nod and tell her that your roommate locked u out and she actually pouts on ur behalf and ur actually starstruck a lil’

it’s one thing to hear and observe these actions from jennie but it’s a complete game changer when she’s performing such actions,,,in front,,, of you,,,, and ,,,, for,,, u,,,,,,,,,,,,, FOR YOU

all u can focus on is ur heart pounding incessantly and u swear it’s ur nerves bc hey friend crushes can still make u nervous y’know n ur so engrossed in this tht u don’t even notice that jennie’s grabbed a hold of ur hand and is leading u back to her place

aND UR BRAIIN IS SUDDENLY LIKE !!! bc holy fuck is that really happening???

you squeak out a ,,, “what”

and she just giggles at you n says “it’s no biggie, my roomie’s out with her bf n i can’t just leave a pretty face like yours out! someone might snatch u y’know??”

“t-thank u,,,,”

“jennie” she smiles tho u kno her name n u kno it well tht it actually makes u super happy that she even knows urs bc after u say it she just grins at u and says “i know”

and basically at her apartment, u see how neat and nice it is with all the black and pink decor on her end w/ roses n these really gnarly looking motorcycles tht she winks at u abt bc her baby’s still in the shop rn and she even offers to take u on a joyride somewhere bc you’ve never once been on a motorcycle but u wouldn’t mind going on one

it’s a first for her but it actually makes her light up to see someone showing interest in something that she adores!!!

u eventually find out tht next to motorcycles she actually rlly loves event planning n that’s why she’s doing communications as a major bc one day she’d like to be in her own pr firm n showcase new and vibrant things that’ll benefit others bc next tht she loves helping others so if what she does can helps others then she’ll feel fulfilled in life

it explains a lot considering she’s always helping people,,, like always

from making sure her roomie’s fed to volunteering at homeless shelters to even tutoring young children, she’s even trying to get into a peer mentor program at the local middle school (a lot of it happens at different times in the year but she has no issues with any of it bc it makes her happy)

srsly she works to the point of overwork and even her roomie has to drag her out by the ear just to get the girl to relax

and evidently this is one of those days where she is relaxing (by helping u lolol) but also she rlly appreciates the attention and attentiveness you’re showing her bc you love listening to her talk and explain what certain things are and it makes her so so so so happy ok

at first it’s miniscule things that make her happy from those little hang outs you two will do now that the ice has been broken to even the times you’ll actually accompany her to a few of her volunteering tasks and she’s so certain she’s found a great new friend, a wonderful friend even tho u can honestly say that the friend crush has become more bc holy shit ??? jennie’s amazing how could u not see her as something more y’know?

and even tho ur certain she doesn’t feel the same and jiwoo calls bullshit like every chance she gets with u, the ultimate game changer happens,,, The Sludge

so two doors down are Changkyun and Jooheon, the resident rappers who have had the notoriety of suffering from the horrific gross substance tht no one can rlly label to a T but to say the least it’s Terrible and Nasty and just N O

so even tho those two were struck with it bc of their lack of pay in the water bills, that gross stuff is just traveling all around the floor - even kihyun and hyunwoo and other residents have suffered thru it so on a very unfortunate day it struck jennie and her roomie’s

fortunately her roomie got a place with changkyun meanwhile jennie was kinda left without,,,, n on tht day u actually see her outside of ur apartment door looking v torn n ur like “jennie???”

her eyes go wide and she manages a wave n u ask what happened n she just deadpans n says “The Sludge” so you understand

and instead of waiting for her to ask bc you kno a part of her wants to but the other part that hates being a burden is lingering so you just invite her to stay n u give jiwoo a heads up and tht blonde roomie of urs is like “w/e she’s staying in ur room”

which she does cuz u force her to bc it won’t hurt u to stay on the couch esp when there’s a guest

she’s pretty begrudging abt it but she manages to deal n she actually enjoys the way you’ve decorated everything and notes just how nice it all is and ngl but she doesn’t miss the photo of u n her on ur bulletin board of ppl you care abt n it makes her feels so warm and touched,,,, it’s like the first instance of her becoming certain of her feelings for u

it’s all small ofc but the more she stays with u, the more ur on her mind n the more she enjoys her times at ur place (which ur loving btw bc she’s a wonderful roommate who will help cook n does grocery shopping bc the damn Sludge is still infesting their apartment)

she does what she can to help and jiwoo loves it and you love having her around so much

in this close proximity you’re able to really see those little things abt jennie like how she loves milk ice cream, how she’s very meticulous in the way things are placed, and how she copes with her stress by organizing even if it can be a bit of an issue

like lisa and jisoo have had their entire desktops cleaned n organized to an utter t after jennie’s done with it (jisoo: “there’s srsly never a simple sleepover with her man”)

but for some reason, she won’t do that to your stuff? like ok she doesn’t organize stuff just cuz she wants t disrespect the owner; most of the time it’s ‘cuz they gave her permission but with you??? she’s not sure and she hasn’t asked

it’s different cuz with her friends they let anyone touch their stuff

but you?? she doesn’t wanna just be anyone to you anymore

she wants to go on motorcycles rides with you and take you to her favorite beach when everything’s too much

she wants to take care of you and show you how much she cares and how much she loves those little things abt u even if u hate those beauty marks and “blemishes” and all that other stuff

she wants to hear you talk about ur favorite book and why then watch the movies to talk abt how lame they were or how you loved a movie and why

she just wants to do anything and everything with you and it’s really just eating at her bc this isn’t another event to plan or really something she can just organize away

hell she can’t even ride her motorcycle away bc all she can think abt is the way you practically lit up when she offered to give u a ride n she decides to just take a risk and stop you after one of your classes

you’re a little confused but you go with it bc she seems pretty distracted by something n u need a break from stats anyway so when she hands u her helmet u take it and watch her put on her space

she tells u to hold on and u do for dear life even if ur screaming at ur heart to shut up bc this is the first time you’ve been this close to her and it makes u tighten ur grip bc you dont want her to disappear

funnily enough, she doesn’t want u to either and she just relishes in ur touch

and so you both wind up at that beach and it’s so beautiful n ur in awe bc holy fuck tht ride was amazing and this,,, T H I S is amazing!!!!

she finds you so adorable and she’s just like “yeah,,, yeah this is.....”

n you look at her in confusion, sitting beside her on the shore even if the cool sand clings to ur legs, “what’s wrong? you seem off lately?”

and she shrugs, looking torn once again bc she’s thinking back to how you accepted her in, always offered a hand to her whenever she needed it whether it was helping her carry a box of event programs or even tutoring her in a class, like,,,, she never realized how much she enjoyed you taking care of her bc she’s constantly taking care of others

so she just blurts out “i like you” she goes for it bc why the hell not??? it’s better to get an answer this way

you’re shocked ofc but eventually you’re like “fuck, me too”

bc having her there? so goddamn close???? those feelings really bloomed and it’s silly and cliche but you can’t help but smile and say “jennie i like you too”

and lemme tell ya rn, she couldn’t be happier,,,,even when you both later find out that the Sludge was fixed nearly two weeks ago bc her roomie promised she’d get her back ,,,,, she just brings u close into her arms and u two watch the waves in ease and in this nice mutual satisfaction and rlly that’s all you both could ever ask for~

#blackpinknet #jennie kim scenarios #jennie scenarios #blackpink scenarios #blackpink fluff #blackpink fanfic #jennie kim x reader #jennie x reader #emswriting #blackpink headcanons #girl group scenarios

227 notes · View notes

whimsically-ominously-auspice · 4 years

Text

Mark: rape victims. Theyre the most hurt out of all this and you keep thinking back to when you and Candy talked and you kept saying "Candy i need to do something about the rape victims. They need help" and she said "mom What about me?" And you said "candy all i know is i love you too much to know right now" and that was all. So, I'm thinking each race has barely enough tickets left. If we do the same as Woodstock on the teams. You know Matt Hagan's team has a guy who raped you yourself in the high school bathroom when you were trying to be "normal" and so. Im thinking eridacate those few make it safe for everybody before. Then when it's safe have tree insert free tickets and airfare what like a United airlines gift card and one for lodging with extra money on them of course to go on a separate trip later on their own someplace nice with their families, kids and soulmates, lost parents and siblings and more.

Me: mmhmmm

Mark: i know i lost you at DNA4U. Tree what is the percentage of rape victims not tested?

Tree: 2%

Mark: so see it will be perfect and tree can just email the rest.

Me: sounds good to me

Mark: and i will pay because you are truly running out. You only budgeted $4 Billion for the First Chandler of the Year Event. You're at $3.62 billion according to the trees calculations and i know youll add more midway because of the ones just beginning that hadn't earned all year. There's some special summer people the Tree sees coming in the future for the NHRA and associates. A whole entire family in human trafficking. Its Steve Torrence and you want to buy them a house and a few cars and a plane and butler and you're already out of money.

Steve: they can just live with me

Mark: your house isn't big enough

Me: let them pick a bunker location and we will remodel

Mark: what?

Me: my gramma went back and most of her bunker because they were so used to it and so many. If i build them what i think is the greatest house in the world, it won't be good enough. Im not like them

Mark: well i think you're wrong. They want out.

Me: the sunlight itself is damaging to the eyes. The weather changing all the time and it's so much to get used to the outside world. So i think Idk... Im not gonna assume. But my grammas is in the side of a hill and we put Windows in it. So there's many alternative opportunities that we can do. Im not trying to save money. I just want to spend it perfectly.

Mark: i know that's all you want to do. Jason Line's family has got out. And they're okay. I'm gonna expedite some people. I'll be back don't post yet.

Saint Luches: He's sexy. When she said his vein was popping.. Yum. Hey! I tap in her phone! I see her wallpaper! And it's his veins popping! Fucking hard!

Fuck yeah man. It's life. Thoughts roaring through hos body at high rates of speed

Alex: that's all I was trying to say

Mark: i put video in for people i select in the DNA4U so they will have to check. They should ask you for help Alex. Okay? Even if yoh don't like them

Me: okay baby

Alex: got it baby. But only if yoh fuck me

Me: please. Pay me. First with a hard Dick then cold hard cash and gifts oh and feed me dinner.

Mark: feed me Seymour

Alex: i love you baby

Me: only me. Not that Saint Luches. He's mine.

Mark: will you two stop and listen to me

Me: only cause that vein is popping. Alright. what baby?

Mark: you make me laugh too much. Sabrina you know what to do. There is too many people still to attend the track so what do we do?

Me: well they will need to make room in the camps and double up in cars so there's enough parking and so they may be in the way of workers in the trailers.. So we will see if NHRA can make a special Chandler Love section

Mark: yeah let's decorate it with hearts..

Me: oh all romantic!!! Like white linen. Roses. Mmmm like dinner is that oyster romantic stuff

Mark: oh and cinnamon

Me: yeah cinnamon all floating through the air. We can put something on top of the trailer like a wax burner. Which will be perfect because a each cube really only lasts 3 days. So dump it out and get in the road.

Mark: yeah see yoh already have no money. You already got the candle wax and warmers and flower vases from me and tree. You and Candy arranged that in 2016. But you still need to buy flowers and you did have the families of special victims to take them home already. But not the vases, they wrap them in wet papertowls on the bottom of the stems then use wax paper they can later press the flowers into to have pressed flowers. So that is already budgeted in the $3.62B you have them going to local to the track homeless shelters.

Candy: oh dad i forgot that!

Me: how's it going there Chandler Bing?

Candy: call me Candy

Me: all right 007

Candy laughs surprised: mom!

Agent: alright they will be furnished by the CIA. Setting out tables and serving food

Mark: yeah we got real wooden tables and chairs. The chairs don't fold. They stack. Her dad made them.

Candy: oh dad!

Mark: her mom's idea. Jesse Tony was so shocked. He said "i know how to make those!" They're so beautiful with vines of love coming down. She really was in love with him again that day.

Me: :D

Mark: it happens, happiness. Ok. So then everything is fine. Alex you'll have to help Steve with his parents.

Alex: what about my parents?

Mark: this weekend since you can't have her Because she HAS to go to Columbia. Her children need since organizational skills.

Candy: that's good mom. You got to do that. She's killed him 4-6 times since you last saw him.

Me: I think she's like Alex. Into kink. She might be his daughter.

Alex: shit. I think she is

Saint Luches: whoooo the world we have on our hands

Me: this is how i just saw Alex in my head

Alex: don't you dare say what you just saw

Me: so hes all "you used to always wake me to eat. You'd give me a handy to wake me unless i was already out and and probably pretending to sleep and id pull you on to ride. Then youd feed me by hand the breakfast you made or dinner if It was ready and Saint Luches didn't tell you to wake me early. Then I'd tie you up on the weekends to the bed" that's what ive heard so far of our relationship in his eyes.

Alex: just the sex part! (He laughs) oh my god! I can't believe she said that about me

Me: that's not even... So I've been wearing pearls and hes all i want to wrap these around your neck so tight when we're fucking... But they're yours and they'll break so I'll buy you a different necklace to wear. A whole box

Saint Luches: whoo!! He went full kink!! Hes not holding back!!! Whooo weeeeee neat! This is gonna be fun.

Me: oh and i got all this saggy ass on my skin -- skin on my ass from that last 15 pounds i lost. He's all Saint Luches get this, hes all, i want to wrap my hands in it and just yank... Like its not attached to my body but then Saint Luches get this, im all okay sounds good because i can't even feel any thing there cause the nerves are all dead. Uh huh. I'm like yeah let's... Whatever you want baby.

Saint Luches: and you're serious!

Me: uh huh yeah

Saint Luches: that's what I know!

Me: so then last night he's telling me "I'm just gonna get a leash when you go to NHRA and put it around your neck", I told him that's too degrading in public bedside you don't want that any way. A leash and collar are boring. They're just standard. Pearls has control where you wrap around your fist and it's your intensity on your cock that makes you want to break the pearls. Its completely different. But i told him he can put a cuff on my wrist and leash me there because i know he really does want to leash me in public

Alex: i fucking do so bad!! I've always wanted to!!

Me: well people know who we are now so its not like walking around all randomly in NYC in a business coat. Suit and heels. With a spiked collar and leash... Besides you know the problems there... So a wrist is just an extension of your tiny short arm. And so in the current situation its applicable to chain me to him... But also Alex, you must remember if you're not looking some one can take it off me and put it on something else and you not even notice

Alex: yeah i know! That's happened and I heard you screaming and looked and then I was hooked to the fucking metal banister of the stairs you were sitting on and you were all the way down the street with 2 cars to pick you up

Me: I.... Uhh. Yep.

Alex: fucking mother Teresa kidnapped you said I was abusive in a sexual nature to you. So I started wearing the collar and I looked sexy, too. Maybe that's what we will do instead...

Me: if you want to baby. Mother Teresa had me so scared. I was afraid she would take off my clothes to find the bruises of you biting me and squeezing me so tight

Alex: she was going to until you told her you felt you were in a rape situation and told her to take off her robe which she did, all fucking wrinkled l nasty

Me: yeah and i told you to let's go Like 10 times and all yoy did was stare at her.

Alex: i was staring at her face! I was scared! Then sh3 dropped those mini blinds and I snapped out and I realized she was gonna fuck us on that table, you weren't kidding about her! God she was nasty. I don't even think she wanted to kidnap us. Just make us drugged and drunk and fuck us until her little shriveled ass dried all the way up.

Me: i told you

Alex: no! Dont say it!

Me: her pussy would always drip down her ass crack and she would never die unless someone killed her!

Alex: id rather talk about kink. And I didn't wanna talk about that either.

Me: we're supposed to be spending money. Help me. Ohhh kink for

Mark: no we got that! No actually we did. Star studded collars and shorter leashes and cuffs and also Abu in leather to strip. While walking around

Alex: oh my god. Did you really do that for me?! Oh my God!!!

Me: on a day too hot to wear clothes and waster hoses to water down t-shirts

Candy: mo-om!!

Me: we warn before hand and we got bathing suit tops -- string bikinis.

Alex: omg. Stop baby. Quit. Baby. Quit. Omg.

Me: and xl white t-shirt to 5x .

Alex: oh Fuck!!

Me: we got it all clean fun

Candy: and where are they gonna get dressed?

Me: by the water slides

Candy: well okay then!!!

Me: and we will have mud wrasslin

Candy: mom!

Me: please baby Like we weren't born in Alabama. Ut Its in plastic pools. We will have clean dirt brought in. So no little rocks or stickers or branches

Alex: oh my God! Why do i love you! This is why!!

Candy: mom! That is not what i want to do! But i want to watch!!.

Me: girl. You'll do it.

Candy: what--what?

Me: baby girl youll get to watching and you'll start wondering how that feels., like is the mud cold? Is it really so fresh? Like you can't watch a mud wrassle without wanting to get in. It's the law. At first youlk be all As long as it's not in my hair, but once it gets in there you'll be all fuck oh my God this mud is good you won't even,care. You'll start making yourself dreadlocks. For real. Its good shit,

Alex: that's so hot and heavy baby what else you got for me

Me: Alex. Its for my child! Every child needs a good mud puddle. She will go with her brother and sisters before anyone else gets in. Like off hours. During a private time. Just for employees and lovers. My children will play in the mud just like i let their sister Annabelle. Its my rule as a mom. But it's clean spa quality mud.

Candy: for real mom? Im gonna cry! I gotta walk away!

Me: you're welcome. I don't care how old And wiser than me you are you're my baby. Mark already bought everyone the tickets.

Mark: and some Columbian Abu that need to return to America and not to Columbia.

Alex: so when Sabrina comes. There will be whips and chains. This excites me.

Me: this way Every one knows the threat is present! No guessing! I'm here. Black leather is out. Whips.Whips. whips and chains. If Steve Torrence thought this weekend shopping was erotic and silly just wait, it gets worse and better! I bet we could put up an outfit for him. Get him topless, some long leather arm cuffs with fringe ... Chaps. Boots.

Alex: and what am i wearing?

Me: nothing. A loin cloth in public places,

Alex: shut up! You're Not kidding me are you

Me: i swear he just sighed with relief.

Alex: shit i did babe. I was like yeah! She's doing an new Animal house but animal. Leather is animal skin and she wull wear purple or pink or red zebra.

Me: it's caaaaaaaaavemaaan!

Alex: oh my God that was sexy. You know she iw the only 100% pure Neanderthal in the world. She has every single Neanderthal gene. No one else in the world does.

Me: mmhmmm Annabelle only has 75% because ironically yummy kinky bastard you only have 50%. If She's yours. But She has your lips

Alex: i know. And punishing attitude

Mark: it's because he evolved from bestiality.

Alex laughs: shut the fuck up.

Me: your face is too red for me to not to want to ask questions.

Alex: im a civilized caveman

Me: dont lie to me

Alex: i wear suits

Me: mmm

Alameaniae: great now can we get back to me? I kill my husband bring him to life and fuck him

Me: you're a healer and goddess of fertility. Its quite simple although authentically unknown around the world as many people try to mimic you without the known skill. But you're not evil. Just a Goddess of sudden powers that bestow truth and honesty beyond any means of life itself. You truly despise evil and you can't Fuck even your husband if he has even a dusting of evil on him. So you kill him and make him whole again.

Another killer daughter: Just like Saint Luches used to do to Sabrina. You all do. Even Mark.

Mark: WTF. I never did that to Sabrina. Saint Luches

Saint Luches: just that one time she went silent and didn't moan during sex.

Me: because i learned not to because it attracted attention from a child wanting to know what that noise was. Well IDK. Apparently its common in other relationships.

Tree: there is 1600 goddess to God relationships that are 100% that way. Mark never. Saint Luches on impulse. And Alex more often than not. Jesse Tony never.

Alex: hey I love the bitch, it's hot what can I tell you

Tree: but usually with Alex it's on accident, he's accident prone. But he heals all her scrapes and Bruises if he gave them to her or not. So he's only done it 45 times out of 648 sexual occurrences.

Me: it's passion. I usually don't feel it. Mostly I hop out because i do feel pain. And i know he doesn't want me to. Then i watch him fuck my dead body. Its very interesting.

Alex: I'd check my watch and see if it stopped. Check a wall clock to see how long she been dead then i tell her what the fuck are you doing dying on me? Where does it hurt? And then i heal it and she goes back to life, she's rhe sick one watching me fornicate on her dead self

Me: thats sexy as Hell.

Alameaniae: So all the rest of you are doing it on accident? Im doing it on purpose

Armageddon: currently there's 1600 of you purposely killing your spouse which is 0.000366% of the world. Which is quite interesting. You will be studied.

Alameaniae: okay! :)

Armageddon: usually that style of attitude we turn into cats, we were not aware why this was occurring but now we do. Because we fuck up and torture. So then you kill who you think tortured the most when we thought we were fulfilling a prophecy which we now know is a lie. Thanks to Sabrina and her attitude ans refusal to turn to lust to be her guide and instead strengthen love not only for herself but the world. Again as she did in the 1980s. And so now we will exclude prophecies as some are lies designed to take over the world which we now know in impossible. Due to the one actual full Neanderthal on Earth. Sabrina = Cleopatra = Lady Godiva = Goddess = S.Leigh and all hwr other names. Still her. Just like she said, you can change everything about the way she looks and the world around her but yoh can't change her. Its true and that isn't a prophecy. Its an anti-prophecy.

Me: because im awesome like that. All Neanderthal Gene!

Mark: baby You make laugh

Armageddon: and you did kill Sabrina Mark 2x. But the difference is you all do it during sex unlike the 1600. Saint Luches in the beginning because hes insecure he can fuck well enough. Alex at the end because hes certain she will run away. And Mark's two were accident related when they were interrupted (by rapists) and he was trying to hide what they were doing. I'm just saying there is a difference is all. And even still Alex doesn't do it on purpose. But Saint Luches will. 113 times out of 492.

Mark: Jesus Christ! God!

Armageddon: but Saint Luches was circumcised too far so sometimes he had pain and thought Sabrina could feel it as well.

Mark: oh

Armageddon: those 3 only lived together 6 months.

Alameaniae: God! She really is a nympho!

Me: and I advocate for Soulmates. Fix the issue with the cats please.

Armageddon: oh yeah hold on leg me call tree. Shhh.

Mark: He really uses his phone. That's so hilarious. You don't even know his number do you? Or mine or even Alex's. Not even Saint Luches.

Me: I dont even have their emails.

Mark: so we got rape victims, some human trafficking. No murdered but those come in. Abuse will be eradicated for some and educated to stop. We have all your other paperwork but most of the post -- well all till this one has been new

Me: ok. I'll rest. I still have till the weekend is up to add.

0 notes

eternallybroken7604-blog · 5 years

Text

We have been up for 2 days. I accepted years ago that this has to be part of my life. He's a package deal. But I am so tired. I do it with him. Idk y. I don't enjoy it most times. But I'm also afraid and to sleep while he's up. I learned not to the hard way.... A part of me wants my life back. My before life. But I know it will be the fight of my life. And I'm not ready. I sometimes tell myself that this was God's plan. I believe that each of us have at least one person that they are mentally to impact in some way and set in motion a positive path. Or bring a lost soul to God. God made me strong and brought me this man. He had to put me thru it to equip me to be wha this man needs. Maybe I'm the only one capable of sticking this journey out with him and bringing him out other side with me. That's why my addiction is so odd. My husband gets locked up from time to time, and when he's gone, I don't do any dope, I smoke my weed. But with the dope, he does my shots, from start to finish. He twirls the bowl. I don't want to know how. I tried once, he got arrested at the end of an 8 month horrendous, traumatizing bender. Suddenly my person is gone and I've been up for weeks. I tried to do it myself. I had the audacity to tell him about it at visitation, because he has always hated doing my shots. He feels enough guilt over where my life is and where it was. He's scared that bnb if I die, he will go to prison. So I always take sure my prints are on it too. He's not ready to even see that he needs to change. I can see that it weighs on him sometimes. And he will want to do better. But then he has no way to stop the guilt, the pain, self hatred. The high and associated relief are his constant and a very erratic life. I'm aware of all this and more. I'm aware I could be completely wrong and he really is just a piece of shit junkiethat destroy a family by joining it. I can't even fault him for that. My kids adored him. And he them. He had a family finally. He was know where near ready to be a step dad. But he gave it an honest try. Then again maybe I just rrwa lly ne ed there to be a greater purpose beh9nd all this, losing my babies, my self respect, my family. Everything.

I can't hate him for being selfish and out for number one, it's all his life has really ever been. I can see what drives everything about h, I study him cause I have never met someone that level of addicted. I cant explain why his thought processes fascinate me, I have to study them til I understand them. Which is hard to do because it's so complex and I'm juggling moneyissues, homelessness, the hustle, him in general, and the dope. The more I learn him, the more pity I feel and I cant leave. I love him to a fault, but I am not ready to abandon him to his demons. He won't survive it with any sort of sanity. He would argue with me on that but it's the one thing I believe with no doubt, he does need me. I think he knows it deep down. He knows I'm 100% on his side. Even if he dont like how at times. He knows I'm real. Even if he tells u I'm not. It's like his pride and years of telling me in so inferior refuse to allow him to recognize anyachievements, no matter the size. I know this but I forget every time we fight, cause it's his defense mechanism with me, it's about the only thing that works. He will reach I to the depths of cruelty and verbally destroy me. He knows what hurts me too. He has left scars that will never go away. I will never forget his eyes and voices and the feeling of my own pain at things he has said. My first husband beat me, that's not how u hurt me. The act of being able to hurt me, that really hurts. My now husband has gotten physical a few times. I cant hate him for it long because I see how much he hates himself for it. But that pride tho, he wont apologize verbally, but he will show me best he can that he's sorry. He knows I deserve better. He went thru a phase where all the blame was put on me for not leaving when it first started, woth the dope and us losing the kids. I tell myself I pushed him too far. It's no excuse I know. But I know how much weighs on him daily, and when substances are u introduced, well I am the embodiment of a large portion of his pain and stress and guilt. I forgive him because I know he's not mentally able to deal with all that and day to day life without help. To stubborn to ever agree with me but I just k ow I'm right. Cant explain that but it's never led me wrong. I shoulder as much as he will let me. And getting high and drunk and my mouth can sometimes push him too far, exacerbates things.

I knew he was a 'recovering' addict when we met. But he only smoked weed when I met him. I thought all that was his past. I didn't mind weed. I didn't personally smoke when we met. I was a divorced mom to 3. We were all finally happy and stable after my horror of an ex-husband. Idk y I fell in love with this man. But I did. He was my first serious relationship in the 2 years since. I never even missed sex, I wasn't lonely. I didn't miss that kind of love until...I was reminded.

8 mos later, we have a place together with my kids. Then a neighbor moved and offered my husband dope. He hid it for a little bit. But I picked up on his different behaviors and made him tell me. Then I wanted to smoke some too. I'd heard of Meth. But I grew up very sheltered by a pill head. I didnt know that when this gorgeous man told me he used to be an addict that he meant thousands of dollars and many hears of hardcore IV drug use. Herion, bar salts. His drug of choice was simply, more. He named his addiction Maria. He needed that relief so badly that once he discovered its power to 'fix' things, he personified his addiction. Maria has been his stability. Shes lways there when everyone else let's him dow. I can understand the desire not to feel. So badly u wanna die. But I was raised different. U can be weak, but dont stay weak. .

But by the time I realized that he didn't recover from his addictions, he fled his former home state and had no access to those things here. He was big on the run big ti.e qhen we met. Hes a hardened city boy. I'm a small town countrygirl. He let me smoke with him. A week later, hes got a needle. I have never seen a pill snorted. I wanted him to let watch him and he did. Seeing the man I love so in thrall to drugs, it broke my heart for him. Women pray to God to see a man look at them with that look. His addiction borders worship. As I write this we are also high with a few friends, he just finished fixing his shot and has decided to ask them to film him. I cant keep going. Thats bothers.me and ill to tore up now to try to figure out my feelings. So I'll wrap this up. My emotions are going every where and I really hate him like this. I hope he watches his video and hates himself. I love him and wint leave him to feel all that guiltalone, that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to feel most of it. God knows I feel my fair share. I promise myself one thing, I will not live like this forever. I'll keep looking for my way out. I'll keep praying for strength to leave. Or for God to open his eyes. I know better than to preach too much at him. He usually shuts down as soon. as he realizes what I'm saying. But I still try. He doesn't know it yet, cause he has never felt it before, but I love him enough for this. I will win this fight. Even if he hates.me in the end. (Forgove any typos, I'm intoxicated and when I get adamant about a topic, I type too fast)

1 note · View note

esoreillaa · 7 years

Text

the things you shouldnt know

I’m really not supposed to be doing this. This whole, venting about shit on here because people can see it. I don’t care. I need to talk and the people i want to talk to are acting like assholes. Rant start. So my roommate fucking leaves her alarm going for 30 minutes this morning, loud as hell. Then stomps around the house with no care that her stomping PROBABLY could wake the lockness monster. Secondly, she never pitches in for anything. And I have to do everything around the house. I pay for the cat litter, i buy the soap, i pay for the toilet paper. We ran out of soap and i refused to buy any for weeks because i was waiting on her to do it. She finally, after 2 weeks no hand soap, went to kroger and got some only becuase it was like .37 cents. Oh, so you must be thinking she doesnt have enough money to pay for things around the house. In which case i would be more understnading and try to pick up the slack, no. She uber drives and she says she does it all day long. She does it on weekend nights and never comes out with me. And then she orders a shit ton of packages in the mail. I know she has money to be helping us out she just wont. I asked her yesterday if she could pick up litter and she didnt say yes or no and just responded with “are we out yet?” no we arent but we will be in like a few days and then its gonna smell like piss if no one picks any up for 2 weeks. ALSO after that convo she went to the store and bought some apple cidar that she used for her hair and face and didnt get and litter. She has a cat too and i bought the last one. seriously?

fuck. i wish that was the end of it.

thennn my home life is completely fucked. My sister got diagnosed with bipolar disorder and the psychologist said she was unable to control her emotions. Since then she has been evicted out of her house with my parents, lived with my aunt, kicked out of there and now is homeless. my sestra lives in a homeless shelter. she wasnt kicked out becasue she had the disorder she was kicked out because she was physically and emotionally abusive to everyone that lived in these households. Im trying so hard to be there for her but whenever i talk to her its never any normal conversation. which it doesnt always have to be but she spins in circles and talks about how fucked up she is, and then talks about wanting to get better but never does. And then attacks whoever she is talking to. i get to go home on my 21 birthday and walk up the driveway to see my mom burst into tears and tell me she feels like there has been a death in the family. she is not at a behavioral hospital only at the mercy of my parents because hospitals do not take in homeless people who cannot afford to stay there. fuck. shes so mean to me and im trying to be there for her because her mom and dad are kinda absent at the moment but every time i reach out she bites me. Shes a bitch and shes awful and it hurts so bad. It hurts seeing my mom a mess. It hurts hearing from my father that he has to go to the hospital to visit his daughter on fathers day. She calls me the other day and says shes done seeing the man that she was seeing. Hes 31. Shes 18. He has started abusing her. She says shes done forever but then calls me the next day and guess who shes with? Calls me again later and shes at his work late at night and hes being an asshole and she wants to go end her life. She ends the phone call and I have to call my mom the next morning and check if my sister is alive. I call her twice now because i miss her. Straight to voicemail.

boys.

and then theres fucking Josh. I’m so over his stupid bullshit. I’m so fucking angry at him right now. PISSED. We broke up and have still been hanging out like always but are now taking a couple days away from each other because we need space so we dont fall into the same trap as always. yesterday he tells me hes having a hard day and cant get out of bed so i invite him out with me and my friends. says he would rather not come and talks about how my friends dont like him. THIS IS THE REASON WHY I ONLY HUNGOUT WITH HIM AND NOT OTHER PEOPLE. BECUSE HE WOULD FIND A REASON NOT TO LIKE THEM. Idc that he didnt come out. I do care that he NEVER comes out with me and my friends. thats very important to me. Even if he doesnt like them, or thinks they dont like him (which isnt true) he needs to come to support me. And come because at least it gets him outj of the house. but yeah, that right there is why we didnt workout. I would have plans with people and i would want him to come and he would never come. never. mostly cause he wants to stay home and be in bed. WHICH IS THE CAUSE OF ALL HIS PROBLEMS. fuuuuck

more boys. on another note i fucked this guy i work with and hes really cute and it makes work fun. hes always biting his jaw at me and secretly grabbing my ass and ijust wanna grab him and take him into the bathroom and fuck him. ughhhh so cute. we might hangout today :-) very chipper now that ive vented and let it all out. its there, its not inside, im free.

4 notes · View notes

beccawastaken · 7 years

Text

My life summarized Pt. 1...

I started this blog cause there is always so much in my head, it moves at the speed of light, some of it makes complete and utter sense, some of it sounds great til the very second it rolls off my tongue and then sounds nothing like it did in my head, some of it is just random nonsensical stuff that seems to have fallen off a stand up comedians cue cards and straight into the part of my psyche that prefers her own lyrics. It makes it very hard to focus on one task to completion, I even tend to put down my guitar and journal for months on end...so sad!

I must admit that I have worked my ass off to try to make some kind of sense of it all and now when I am unable to rather than let frustration take over I tend to find my random head ramblings amusing. I mean it is often a frustrated, shaking my head at myself kind of amusing but still...baby steps right?

Sometimes the thoughts can be so intense and so rapid that its overwhelming and it takes every ounce of my strength not to scream til it stops. At its worst its almost like there are so many thoughts moving so quickly that it can sound like a constant high pitch buzz in my head. Super exhausting, and difficult to explain to those around you. People tell me to just go to sleep...ever tried sleeping with a shop vac on or inside a construction site? That would be comparable to this, plus, sleeping also isn't my forte so I’m double fucked so to speak.

The human mind and psyche intrigues me to no end. The way it works, and how the basic brain functions are the same across society yet our perception and the cogs and wheels inside each skull are as unique as our deoxyribonucleic acid. For each and every one of us, the way we tick can be vastly different from one another, from the person beside you on the bus, to that guy you’ve worked with for years to a lover or spouse and often really have no way of knowing. I mean how often do we turn to each other and say “can we talk about how your brain works?” We just take for granted that it does and don’t give it a second thought.(haha you will come to notice my love for puns)

Its the intricate differences between us that keep me interested in this self sabotaging species, I mean really, Earth doesn’t need humans to survive, in fact it may be better off without us! Who knows, what I do know is that while im here on this seemingly massive planet im going to make the most of it.

I have a wicked sense of humour (ask anyone haha) and I enjoy messing with people (in a jovial way of course). Im talking like practical joke type of messing with people, light, innocent funny shit. I have been referred to as a brain ninja...I took it as a compliment, however, when you are on the receiving end its possible that it isnt nearly as enjoyable. I do my best not to be mean (I said I do my best, I am not perfect) cause you know, I’m no psycho, although some will attest to that statement not being true, I have honed my inner psycho and now only use her when absolutely necessary. Like if some douchelord crosses one of my angels or my grandson. Then my wrath should be feared, simple enough right? (WOW that escalated quickly! O_O)

I just do not want to waste my life, I spent so much of it not knowing how to handle daily life, assuming (naturally cause why wouldn’t I as a single child raised by someone that constantly blamed others and the world for her problems) that everyone’s mind worked the same, everybody deals with the racing and loops of thoughts you cant kick, or falls asleep with a song stuck in they’re head and wakes up and it starts again as if paused. Every morning. (Don’t drop that duh duh duh....grrr) For days! I mean doesn't everybody worry about every move they make, and lay in bed with they’re eyes closed trying to sleep and checking the clock twenty minutes later only to find SURPRISE, its been three hours! Or this relentless saviour complex I have, I can solve almost anyone's problem or at least help them find a path they are more comfy with but for years when it came to mine, I just couldn’t. This is just a few of the things i deal with or have been forced to deal with this life, Im sure i will touch on more.

I have my children to thank for helping me learn how to deal with my version of life and not giving up on me when I know it would have been easier at times. (Dont drop that duhduhduh....ugh) I want to be honest in this blog, I pride myself on my honesty yet shy away from the darker, not so beautiful sides of who I am as if they don’t exist to the outside world. The thing is, I do not look sick, in fact I look great, besides a few extra pounds. My illness is not a physical one yet it has complete control from the inside out a lot of the time. I work very hard on a daily basis so I do not look like I am falling apart.

I feel emotions at a much higher level than the majority of humanity, I know this now. I don’t feel a lil bit of anything, if im sad, im so sad that even just being in my presence can break your heart. If something good happens and I feel a twinge of joy, I literally have to physically hold myself still sometimes cause it will surge like a lightening bolt through me and often some strange squeak comes out, fingers fully extended as if the energy just exploded form my core and out my extremities. Then, just as fast as it surges it disappears and there I am a woman bordering forty with this maniacal smile on my face like the joker and hair standing up like the professor from Back to The Future. Its quite a sight I am sure, and as much as it has been really hard to work with this side of myself I would rather be inside looking out and have to fix my hair then the onlookers forced to decide between the choice to ask if I am alright or back away slowly. Same with anger, although we have a bit of a deeper connection than other emotions, yea, thats right, we tight. Let me explain...or try;

I like to think my anger trigger point was when grandpa died, but looking back that is ridiculous, I was pissed at both my parents for what they put me through during the divorce but refused to take it out on them, they were in enough pain, they couldn't see it but i sure could. When I am angry I scare people, I seem to fear nothing (not sure if that’s brave or not) and once I am angry there is no going back, I am completely incorrigible, illogical and refuse to listen. I have scared off men twice my size, not with violence of the physical kind, my verbal violence can be so articulated that I honestly think some people are scared to the core. I have shocked myself at times and thats not easy. Once I realized that I was growing into my version of the hulk I had to do something, I was starting to hate everyone and everything.

I started replacing the empty yet extremely fucked up (for lack of a better word) threats with just simply making light of what it was that triggered me, albeit in an aggressive manner however it has proven effective in attempting to analyze what set me off and try to stop the rage fuelled rant.

I really wanted to give you an example but as I was trying to find one it proved difficult so im gonna call that progress. Anyway this venting became humorous to those around me, they all knew me so well that they would turn they’re heads and try not to laugh (ever been laughed at when your livid? its not cool, same as if are upset and someone says ‘calm down’ calm down, CALM DOWN?! like fuck off n all if you honestly believe im not trying, you think i wanna feel this way? like this is some kind of sick joke for me? pfft people!) in an attempt to not be caught in the crossfire of my verbal war.

At first this angered me too (go figure, Hulkbitch) then one day, someone laughed and I took a step back and thought about what I had said and started laughing. Clearly my loved ones weren't laughing at my agony, but the words and descriptions i used to figure it out did tend to be funny. It takes a lot for me to get angry like that now, if I do tho, I still vent with sarcastic wit and make myself laugh to bring myself out of it.

I think I have myself in line pretty well now, I guess I should give some history here, I was a very happy child on the outside but a ball of nerves within, my mother was extremely mentally ill (which i did not know til after her passing) and my father was a violent alcoholic. Luckily I was sheltered from the worst of what they put each other through as they separated when I was 2, but fought and fought and fought over me for nine years. My mum would insist dad never wanted me he just didn't want her to have me, said that I was never good enough in his eyes cause he wanted a boy. Dad, would point out the homeless lady pushing all her belongings in a shopping cart and say “hey kid, thats where your mum is headed, just you watch”. I know now they were just dealing in their own ways with what was happening between them but it really messed with me.

My father, my daddy, quit drinking not long after the separation, i to this day believe that he did this not only for himself but for me, to show me that no matter what you can make changes, just gotta face the problem head on and deal with it so you can move past it. He was always a tough, vulgar, strong, stubborn, hilarious and short lil french man with an ego the size of Goliath. He taught me not to take shit from anyone if I believed in the topic at hand and to learn to turn a cold shoulder when needed. Emotions were not discussed, Im not even sure to this day if I can remember him ever saying I love you, but he didn’t have to, I know he did.

Mum had her own ways of dealing over the years, she was all emotion, raw and uncut. She would always react first, think later, which meant she felt the need to apologize a lot. For her mistake, for not being good enough, for not doing well enough this was so hard to watch. She would repeat the same self defeating patterns she had been doing her whole life and expecting things to change. Definition if insanity much? shitty part is back then they had no fucking idea what insanity was, nor did they care to look. Had someone just took her side and spoke for her she would still be here, if only she was honest with me about how sick she was, I may never have gotten as sick as I did. She thought she was protecting me...

This woman was the sun to my moon and I loved her more than words can ever express. She never believed me when I said it, she always said right up til the end that nobody ever loved her. I know this was not true cause I figured my dad wouldn't get so mad about stuff if he didn't care, the opposite of love is not hate, its indifference. Mum was always in and out of the hospital and it was super hush hush, I assumed she had cancer. I was petrified to lose her, so I didn’t ask questions, just waited.

The custody battle went on and on, I remember my dad pushing our 1970somthing car up the street for some reason, didn't phase me much. I just said “oh look theres my daddy, he looks mad!”. We went to Expo ‘86 in British Columbia and mum was subpoena’d to come back to the prairies for court immediately, so she had to leave her vacation just to go back and find out it was remanded. They were both so angry all the time, I thought it was my fault...had I not been there there would be nothing left to fight about right?

Okay so divorce was finalized when I was 11...Grandma and grandpa (mums side) loved the shit out of me too, ive seen pics of gramma in the military which made sense as I grew up as to why she was so tough but she must have been retired by time I was born. They bought an old ‘70s van and converted it into beds in the back, a table and even a port a potty! They lovingly got personalized plates with my name and the number “2″ after it. They took really good care of me, always loved me and wanted what was best.

I remember around 10yrs old I realized my initials were B.S. and I was not impressed at all as not one word that came out my mouth (at that age) was BS. I was insulted and wanted it changed, plus I knew it would make mum happy if I changed my name to hers. The divorce was finalized my initials were changed to B.J....JUST in time for puberty, (woooooooo) yeah, didn't live that one down for a very long time.

My reason for bringing up my grandparents is so that you all know that aside from this somewhat bleak story thus far, I had many people that loved me, including mum and dad, they just preferred to fight about it.

Shit, fuck, damn, I just had a memory, not a good one but I spoz thats why our brains block things out eh? I do not know how this came about, my mother was very abused growing up and it took a toll on her. I remember mum and the grandparents fighting, i remember gramma telling mum to get her head out of her ass and i remember trying to picture that...I was not going to be seeing them for a while til things cooled down.

Mum was sure that my grandpa had molested me, I am not going to say it didn’t happen but as far as I can recall my grandpa was the sweetest most loving man ever. anyway, mum was questioning me, yelling, badgering me and generally acting crazy i spoz, this was before I know what that looked like. She kept asking inches from my face if he had done anything to me and i maintained that he hadn’t. Finally hours later I was tired and hungry and she was clearly still psychotic she yelled at me are you sure (for the millionth time) I finally yelled out “fine, he did it!” I had no idea what he had done, or when, cause i wasn't there i just wanted her to stop. She was making herself crazy and it broke my heart. I didn't see my grandparents again for three years. Grandpa had gone senile and was not himself, didnt remember close family members etc. When I got there, I ran in the house and we met at the doorway, me at the bottom of the entrance stairs and him at the top. I smiled, and he looked at me puzzled, then started crying, then laughing then crying. I was so glad he got to remember me. I missed him so much.

This was all before I was even a teenager. Grandpa died not long after he was put in a care home cause gramma wasn't able to care for him. His death was my first experience with such a thing, I had no way of knowing how to deal with a loss like this...so I guess I just didn’t.

1 note · View note