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#I don't blame myself or feel like I personally need to fix everything because I know they felt like that from an outside source I can't
gxlden-angels · 5 months
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Hello! I apologize if this is a nosy question, but what is the silly feelings wheel app you were talking about in a previous post? My therapist and I have been working on identifying feelings but I still very much rely on a list of feeling words to have any idea what I’m feeling, so it could be a helpful resource. No worries if you don’t want to share, just thought I would ask :)
It's called How We Feel! I'm not sure if it's available on all devices yet, but it's on ios and the google play store for sure.
I've been using it for about a year. It's more of a chart than a wheel but people usually recognize the wheel better so that's what I call it. When you first start it has a 10-part tutorial about emotional acceptance and regulation, then it has suggestions for each category of emotion. You can access both at any time tho after those first 10 days.
It has a share option so you can have friends, which has been great for me cause it prompts me to check on friends and them to do the same for me. It allows you to just respond with a little emoji in like a "I'm here for you" little notification to your friend, or you can reach out to your friend on your own. Its really helped me cause I'm bad at reaching out when I need support so to me and I'm bad about taking on other's problems even when I can't handle it so being able to send a little emoji instead to make sure my friends know I'm there if they need me and them doing the same has been great
#I know I sound like I'm a being sponsored by this app but it's genuinely been incredible for my mental health#whenever I get frustrated in therapy now about not being able to describe a feeling my therapist asks me to think about the chart#he'll ask me what color I feel and go 'good! do you want to narrow it down from there or continue with just that?' and it's so helpful#I have such terrible alexithymia from both cptsd and autism#it took a year of working with him to even recognize when I felt angry or hungry or sick#my friends and I check in on each other regularly now but it feels less intrusive#cause it feels like indirectly reaching out so it's less pressure to directly respond#and it might not feel the same for everyone since it could be jarring to get a notification saying friend feels miserable#but now that I've gotten used to it I don't feel like I need to solve their problems and make them feel better#Like they might be miserable because they're sick! So I check in and they say they're sick but okay and I don't feel the impulse to solve#like I would if I just didn't see them then saw them in person and saw they looked miserable#I don't blame myself or feel like I personally need to fix everything because I know they felt like that from an outside source I can't#control but I can certainly help them if they want! It's their choice tho and I don't feel bad if they don't/I can't#I feel less need to control my emotions/force them to be positive like I used to cause nobody feels positive 24/7 and I can see it#I don't feel the need to be politely content like I did in church because no one can be 24/7. I've attempted to get my family to start but#they're still stuck in needing to not be openly negative. It also helps me accept that negative feelings don't last forever#Someone feeling miserable because they're sick eventually puts they feel tired. Then chill and I know they feel better and I feel better too#Anyways thanks for listening to me ramble about my silly little feelings wheel app I hope it helps you like it helped me anon <3
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running-in-the-dark · 4 months
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I guess it just feels like I'm stuck in a cage made entirely by my own thoughts. that sounds so dramatic but it does feel like that.
like, it's not just that I'm scared of things so everything is kind of hard. it's that there's many, many things I would like to do or at least try, but I can't make myself do them. not 'oh this is a bit difficult so I'm afraid to try', no, it's not. an option. there's no path from 'want to do this' to 'I'm doing this'. I can't convince myself to do it. there's no tricks or anything. my brain, the useless thing that I need to do literally everything, doesn't allow it.
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spidybaby · 18 days
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Not The Romantic Type | Part Three
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Part One | Part Two
"Aren't you nervous?" Fer asks, hands busy helping Pedri fix his smoking. "I'm about to colpase from the excitement."
"I feel like I'm going to cry myself to sleep, but in a bad way, I can't believe that I'm actually on the top three to get this."
If you ask him, only in his dreams he was able to be on the top three of the most likely to get the ballon d'or.
He improved so much over the years, he worked more on perfecting his game to be able to classifie into the best players.
He remembered the Golden Boy award, Messi won one before winning his ballon d'or. Now he's following into his idol footsteps.
"Mom wants a picture of you on the suit." Fer says as he snaps a picture of him. "Venga, let's go get some food, we still have that meeting with the constructor."
Pedri thank the designer, changing into his normal clothes back to meet the new contractor.
Fer and him are partnering in a restaurant, he trusted his brother as a chef for his whole career. It was obvious he was trusting him with something this big.
"We need an interior designer." The constructor tells them. "I know you have a vision of how you want this to look like. However, I feel that with a little help and more inspiration we can make this amazing."
"Vale, if you think it's what we need, then let's do it!" Pedri says excitedly. "Fer will be the one meeting up with this person since I'll be at the field."
"No problem, I think my girl will be the one. Not that I'm talking bad about the guy, but she's just a star when it comes to modern luxury style."
"Perfecto!" Fer smiles, "Let's meet up with her, I'm so excited."
Pedri was excited about everything, the ceremony in France, the new project, the possible winning of the Champions League.
He was focused on the field and nothing else. That's why Fernando decided to be the caregiver or the project, so Pedri would be all into his element.
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The dressing room was euphoric, the players happy about winning the semifinals, they're playing the final at home.
"Visca al Barca" Gavi yells.
"Visca al Barca" they all second.
"And let's all celebrate to our next Ballon d'or, the magician Pedri." Ter Stegen shakes him. "Vamos Pedri!"
They throw all the water they can at him, making him smile and laugh at how much support he has from his friends. His second family.
After the celebration Ferran invited Pedri to a little party he planned. "No lo sé, tiburón. I'm kinda tired and I have to meet with the designer to measure the tux"
"A little party never killed nobody." Ferran insisted, but he denied. He needs rest and peace.
"Vale, pero me lo debes." He hugs him tight. "See you around, pepi."
He drives home, passing in front of the place where the restaurant will take place. He can't help but feel pride, this feels like an extension of their parents' hard work.
Fer was laying on the couch, checking some ideas the ID (interior designer) sent them.
"Hola, tonto." Pedri pulls lightly his brothers hair. "Are those the ideas this girl sent you?"
"Si, look at this, I love this idea she has." Fer pass him the iPad. He sees the ideas, loving all of it. "She's amazing, first thing and I'm already in with everything."
"Yes, this is cool." He checks everything, loving every idea. "When are you meeting her?"
"I think tomorrow." Fer gets up, walking to the kitchen and pulling out food. "But don't worry, I'll update you on everything."
✨️✨️✨️
"So, as you can see here." The constructor pointed to the ceiling. "We thought about lighting that can be dimmed as the sun light goes down."
"My brother and I loved that idea, specially because we have that at home recently installed and I think it will go so well."
"Perfect, our designer will come any minute now, she told me traffic was hectic and she was just a block away but stuck."
"It's okay, I get it. It took me an hour and a half to get here today, so I can't blame her." He laughs, interrupted by his ring tone." Excuse me for a second."
The constructor kept looking at his structure with your design. The sound of heels makes him turn, you were walking fast while holding your iPad and a few more things.
"I'm so sorry, Marc." You apologize, leaving your things on the desk. "I think today is not my day. Is the client mad?"
"Not at all, Y/n." He pats your back. "He's an amazing dude, super relaxed. You will hit it off real quick."
You smile relief. You didn't want to lose this client, specifically because Marc told you they wanted to expand if the first restaurant goes well, meaning you will expand with them.
"Let's meet him them." You nervously giggle. "What's his name again?"
"Fernando, he's a chef."
Before you can even connect the dots, Fer walks into the room, saying goodbye to the person on the line.
"Fernado, so nice you're bac. This is our interior designer, Y/n."
You smile at the sight of him. Haven't seen him since the breakup. He has more facial hair, and he's stronger and definitely more mature looking.
"We know each other." You smile, still surprised at his presence. "We go way back actually."
Fer is as astonishing as you are, opening his arms to greet you into a hug. "It's been a long time no see." He laughs, hugging you tight. "Gosh, I can't believe you're our designer."
"I can't believe you're my clients." You laugh. "Let's leave the talk for later, I want to explain this to you, and then we can use the time."
He nods, letting you explain every part of your ideas. He can't deny that even if it wasn't you, he loves the ideas and can't think of any way to make it better.
You ask him about colors, measurements, textures, and different stuffs you will need to prepare yourself for your work.
"Perfect! We can't say that this meeting was a success." Marc happily says. "I'll keep working while you two chat a little, excuse me." He wayves goodbye while Fer and you say goodbye.
"Entonces," Fer says, picking your side like he used to. "You're a well-known designer." You nod, smiling.
"And you're a well-known chef, Mister González." You laugh. "It's so nice to see you. How have you been?"
"It's been good, I'm older but I think wiser." He hands you your iPad. Helping you with some things. "What about you?"
"I mean, you can tell how I am. I got my dream job and I feel like nothing can go better than this." You shrug.
Fer wants to ask. He needs to ask if you have someone or not, but he doesn't want to intrude into your private life.
"So, how's the family?"
"They're good, nothing to report." You nod. "What about your family? How are Rosy and Fernando? How is the Tasca going?"
You can't help but miss them, specially Rosy, she acted like a mother to you, always worrying about you, taking care of you when you were sick.
"Mom and dad are so good. They are healthy." He smiles at the thought of them. "The Tasca is doing good. This is a little extension of it, but bigger."
"I'm so happy for you, Fer." You hug him, happy about him, making his dream of having his own restaurant come true. "How is Pedri?"
Fer is speechless, he didn't think you will ask about him, not after the way you two ended things.
"Bueno, no le va mal." He laughs. "He's on top three to win the ballon d'or, Barcelona is on the UCL finals, la Liga finals. He's at the top."
You smile, you're happy he is getting all the awards he deserves. He's always been amazing at his job.
"I'm happy for him." You nod. "Even tho I haven't really been aware of the team. I've been busy lately."
"Maybe you can catch up, he's also in this with me." Fer smiles as big as he can "and he's single." He elbow you.
You laugh at this, blushing a little at the confession. You did hear some rumors about him and some girls, deep down wanting for it to be just that, a rumor.
"Don't know why that's important." You giggle, looking down. "We been over for a long time now."
"Well, if you want him back, he's available to be picked."
"Fer." You laugh. "He wouldn't pick me, specially with all the girls he's probably getting." You look away while saying that.
He always got girls, and nobody could deny that. In your mind, they were girls who were hotter than you, prettier than you, more experienced than you.
That was something that made you feel insecure, not that he was engaging with them in any way, he always ignored them or just straight up blocked them.
But you had that little insecure voice from time to time that told you that he had better options and that you needed to step up.
"Don't say that." He says in a serious tone. "You were the best thing Pedri had."
Fer wasn't lying. After you left, Pedri went down a very dark path. He was going out, drinking, bringing girls home.
Everything to make him forget about you. Girls who looked nothing like you, who acted nothing like you.
Girls who went after his money and his fame. They were doing everything they could to show they were with The Pedri from Barcelona.
You on the other side, always made sure to be cautious about not getting recognized. You never wanted the attention that came with being his girlfriend.
You were with him since he was that Canarian guy at Las Palmas, that skinny boy who made it big.
You were there before the fame, before the fans, before the name. But you were his past.
"If you say so." You exhale. "I will send you a virtual look of everything with all of the things you picked."
The change of subject makes Fer think you may not be as interested in his brother as he thought you would be.
Maybe you moved out and didn't want to let it out. Maybe you changed your likes and now you're not up for a footballer.
"Thank you, I'll see you here next time I pass by?"
"You will, I'll be here a lot more."
With a hug goodbye you both walk out to your cars. You wave him as you enter your car, getting a honk from him.
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Fer can't even believe the picture he's seeing. He thought Pedri was being honest with him when he said that no more one night stands with random girls whom the club invite to their parties.
He can't help but feel embarrassed about talking to you all this past days about how much Pedri would love to have you back.
But now his little brother is on all the magazines and gossip news of Barcelona and Spain as a taken man by this random influencer who obviously posted more about being at the party.
One part of him can't blame Pedri, he was in a committed relationship since he was sixteen, he obviously went out and went crazy after the break up.
But six years later was a little too much for him to keep his crazy behavior. He had a chance of winning the girl of his dreams back.
Fer can't help but think about you. If you see this news and pictures, you will definitely think all he's been saying is a joke and that he's playing with your feelings.
And how right he was, you can't help but feel anger. He's been spending all this time changing topics to Pedri.
"Pedri was busy but says hello."
"Oh Pedri can't wait to be here to see you."
"When you're back together, I'll be the happiest brother in law you will ever have."
Was he teasing you?
You don't even want to go to work today. You want to call in sick and spend all day in bed thinking about how stupid you are for believing Fernando's words.
But you won't. The breakup didn't stop you back then, and it won't now.
You will walk with your head up, ready to work in your nice outfit. You won't mind, you have so much to lose, he already lost you.
He lost you.
You didn't lose him.
"Buenos días!" You say, giving Marc his favorite coffee order as usual. "Any news I should now?"
"Well, the Calcutta Gold Marble is taking longer than expected but after that nothing to worry about."
You nod, leaving your things at your little station. "As always with Calcutta."
"By the way, Fernando was looking for you. He's outside talking with David." You nod, thanking him and walking to where Fer is.
You know he's about to mention the picture. He can't help it but be so obvious about things. But you will change the subject as much as you can't.
"Hey, boss." You smile "heard you wanted to talk to me."
"Hey, how are you?" He plays with his necklace.
"I'm good. I had a very nice sleep." You smile. "I want to tell you, the Calcutta Gold Marble we picked for the bar area is taking more time. Don't worry about it. That's normal with that material, but just a heads up."
He half smiled, not sure how to approach you. He wants to say sorry. He wants to kick his brother.
"I'm sorry." He spat, can't even think straight due to the blame he feels. "You probably saw the picture and -."
You sigh, not wanting to have this conversation this early. "Fer, let's focus on what we need to focus."
"I just feel like I need to apologize."
"You don't. Let's move to what's important here. Your restaurant."
He understood quickly, not bringing the topic again. That made you relax. Before this project you were fine not thinking about Pedri. You are fine now.
You focus on making this project happen. You wanted Fer to have the best reaction when he sees his project finish.
✨️✨️✨️
"So, are you nervous about tomorrow's match?" The press guy asks him. "It's the finals for the UCL, and then you have to go to France for the Ballon D'or. You have a pretty crazy schedule."
"Bueno, I think I've always had a crazy schedule." He laughs, making the interviewers laugh too. "But I'm not nervous, I trust my team, I have a big trust in all the work we've been doing. We trust out Mister, so to me it's about focusing on staying healthy, making goals and winning."
"Walk us through the process you have for your next trip to France."
"Joder, it's not that much. If I'm honest, I have the tux, have the shoes, have my family, don't think I need anything else."
"Pedri, we got many requests to ask you if you don't walk with a ballon that night, will we see you walking with a special someone?"
He half smile at that question, knowing he fucked up by getting too close to María at the party.
"I don't have a girlfriend. If that's what you're asking." He shrugs. "I'm single. And probably the only lady I will be going to hug during the ceremony and after is my mom. Thank you."
He walks away, mad at himself for allowing this to happen again. He knows this girls just want the hype attached to his name. Specially now, with all the winnings of the club.
"Dude, you okay?" Gavi asks, noticing his frown. "What did they say?"
"They asked if I'm walking out that fucking auditorium with someone, es una putada, I will celebrate the week I don't get linked with some random girl."
Gavi lift his eyebrow. "Si, but the rumors don't just appear." he scuffs and turn to his locker.
"What do you mean?"
"Pedri, you used to be out and about with a different girl every other week. You flew this girl to Manchester. When you came back, you had this other girl in a new hotel. You're doing this to yourself."
He can't even argue because it's true. He did all those things. He flew all these girls. He fucked up his reputation.
"Me cago en la puta." He threw the towel at the inside of his locker. "I just wish I can have some fucking privacy."
"Then don't involve yourself with girls who only care to expose that they're with you." He hits him with his jersey. "Dude, you can go out and find a nice girl who will want a relationship and not just sex and a picture."
He nods, stresses about the topic already. Gavi is right. So is Ferran when he advise him not to mess with every girl that flaunt at him.
And when Fer tries to get some sense into him finding someone to settle to. Someone who will be happy to welcome him after a long day, someone who wants to grow a family with him.
He doesn't want that. Not without you.
He agreed to move out that day when you asked him to be happy, to find someone who would celebrate all his victories.
But he had that. He had you.
He lost you.
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The game was about to finish, the extra time about to finish.
The Bayern had a corner. So they have to step up and prevent them from scoring. Just two minutes more and that's it.
"Vale, a ver." He yells, catching up the attention of the players near him. "Marc, just this cover up and the Champion is ours, please catch it." He makes them laugh. "Fermin, cover Davies. Gavi, cover Saliba. I'll cover their number 10."
They all nod, positioning themselves. They were nervous, this was their chance. This was their final chance.
When Marc let the ball go, Gavi was at the right place at the right time. He hit the ball with his feet, making it go out of the goalkeeper area.
Raphinha runs away with it. Getting the ball as far as possible from their area. Just when he's trying to make a assist to Pau, the referee blows the whistle.
Pedri runs to Gavi and Fermin. Hugging them while screaming. The public was as static as they are, cheering for them.
They won. They got the Champions League.
He look over at where his family is, they're screaming and jumping. Everybody is, the whole stadium is.
Running to his parents open arms. He can't help the tears of happiness as he hugs his family.
Feeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr added to his story
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You are happy for him, you can't lie to yourself like you do to other people.
You feel proud, he got everything he ever wanted, he got la liga, he got the Champions and he's probably will get the Ballon.
And he did what you asked him to do. He got himself someone to celebrate all that with. Someone who will make him happy.
The sour taste in your mouth haven't left since you saw that picture of him with that girl at the party.
He left you behind, like you asked him to.
You tried to focus on the work you were doing, turning the tv off to pay more attention.
You can't, your mind goes back to the way things used to be. He made mistakes, and you accepted all those mistakes because you loved him.
While he is at his party, with his family and his new girl. You are trying to forget about the memories of him.
You fix all the things Fer asked you to fix in the design, making the things he wanted as similar as possible as he explained.
You texted him, asking him if he was able to come see you to approve everything so you order the material.
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Fer answers you while he opens the door of his home. He was still ashamed about the picture situation. He could sense the change in your attitude before and after that picture.
"I need your help, I don't think I can walk upstairs by myself." Pedri whine, he drank more than he should, making him dizzy.
Fer helps him, carrying him while walking upstairs. "Pedri. You need to help me just a bit."
He feels bad, he doesn't want to celebrate alone. All his teammates with their partners and kids and he's alone.
Yes, he has his parents, his brother, this family and friends. But he needs a hug at night when he gets insecure. He needs a shoulder to cry.
He craves intimacy, not sexual intimacy. He wants to feel secure with someone to the point of trusting all his worries and deepest secrets.
He wants someone to know his family, to sit at his parents' table and have a relationship with them.
"I'm sad," he confess. "Am I allowed to be sad?"
Fer can't even understand where this is coming from. He never saw signs of Pedri being sad or never heard anybody telling him to suck it up.
"Pepi, you can be sad." He reassured him. "Why are you sad? Tell me"
Pedri just shakes his head, not even sure how to approach the topic. "I miss my life back when I was twenty."
Fer understood, his brother carries a lot of responsibility on his shoulders, especially now with the whole <he needs to bring the ballon d'or home just like Messi>
"How can I help you, pepi?"
"If you have a magic wand that can bring me back to when I was happy and didn't have to fuck a girl every night to feel something, please use it."
He frowns, not sure how to reassure his brother. He knew Pedri felt alone. He can tell. He told him off about his sex life.
Not shaming him, but making him understand that the pattern he was following was not healthy at all.
"I can help you by not leaving you alone." He hugs him, pating his back lightly to calm him down. "I'm here, always will."
He helps Pedri take his clothes off and get into bed, he wants to check him in case he feels down again.
Once Pedri is passed out, he tries to plan something, how can he help him?
He picks his phone to text his mom that they're home. He sees the last text he sent is to you. The light bulb on his head turns.
He can help him, he's not with anyone, not that girl at the party and is done with the playtime every other week.
If he asks him to go to the meeting and approve the things you need, you can meet and reconnect.
He just needs his brother to be ready tomorrow to meet you. He knows he still thinks about you, and you might still do the same.
He texts you, asking you to meet at four p.m., by that time his brother will be up and fresh to see you.
Feeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr added to his close friends
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"I don't even want to be near a drink in my life." Pedri makes a disgusted face, he needs a whole gallon of water.
"Finish the drink so we can go."
The drink looks bad, very bad. Even tho it was just a tea with no sugar. "Maybe I'll just go brush my teeth."
Fer feels excited. He wants his plan to go well. He's anxious but happy. He knows it's about time you two make a move and solve what needs to be solved.
"Vamos, big head." Pedri smack the back of Fer head. "You drive, I can't do nothing yet."
The trip was not as long as usual. The streets were lonely and Fer was driving slowly. He confirmed you were coming before leaving the house.
When he parked, he noticed Marc's car parked in front of the building. To his luck, the parking lot was being modified, so he needed to park in the nearby building.
"Oye, I'll find somewhere to park. There's a little office, white door to the left. Wait for me there."
He does as he's told, walking with his head down. Still feeling the pain from all the drinking he did.
"Hola?" He asks, opening the door a little before entering.
He looks at all the things on the walls, the chair textures, the floor wood, the bar design, the lamps options.
He's in love with all the ideas, with the little real-life version of what the restaurant will look like. With the little pink pen notes the designer left. The door opening can't bother him. Looking at all the planning that they made in so little time.
You can't even blame him, you weren't paying much attention either. Focusing on answering Marc's text about something related to a change that needed to he approved as soon as possible.
"Hola Fer. Sorry I haven't gotten a chance to greet you properly. I've been so busy with all this little things."
You open your bag to search for your iPad, wanting to show him everything quickly to move out and not waste more time.
Pedri turns quickly, the sound of your voice amazes him. You're there after so long. After all this time.
"Hey about the Marble, I think it's best if we just switch the whole piece. This is taking so long." You won't turn, he won't say a word. "Fer?"
The two of you are just standing there, looking at each other, no words in between. Nothing.
Pedri thought a lot about what would happen if he ever saw you again. Definitely all that planning went out the window the second he heard your voice.
You practice too, what if you find him in a bar some day in Barcelona? You wouldn't mind it. But you're minding it very well.
"Hola." You finally say, voice breathless and gone.
His eyes are rooming you up and down. He can't help but point at every little detail that's different about you, different in a good way. You feel the heat coming up your cheeks. He's there, looking more mature, more handsome.
You shake your head, you have one job to do, getting the changes approved to the project move forward.
"Is your brother coming? Because I really need him to approve this for me." You grab your iPad, tying to look uninterested.
"Oh, I can approve it." He extend his hand and you hand him the device. "Just explain to me what this is exactly?"
While you explain every little detail about the changes, showed him how it was before to compare and to see if he likes it.
He likes everything, but there's something about the way you talk, something about the way you smell, you didn't change that perfume you love.
"I like your hair." Your hair is longer. He loves that. You always talked about wanting to let it grow to try new hairstyles.
You smile, the closeness not helping the situation. "Thank you." You say softly.
You might act calm, but from the inside, you're about to burst because of the way he looks. It's a good thing he changed his style.
Also his perfume, he's using the same perfume you gave him once, he didn't change it. And that facial hair is gone, he's shaved and clean.
"Do you like how everything is, or do you want to make any more changes?" You ask, trying to act professional.
"I mean, you're a star. This looks amazing." He praise you. Making you feel a wave of pride. "Fer will love this."
Your smile grows, you're happy he likes the changes. But you like even more the way he's praising you work like never before.
"So how are you?"
You close the iPad, sending Marc an "approval" copy of the digital prototype. "I'm good, been working hard and I've been busy with it." You shrug, not sure what else to say. "Congrats on the UCL, I heard you guys won."
He smiles, winning the game with his two goals was more than he ever expected. "We did, thank you."
"two goals huh?" You tease him. Feeling a little confident.
He rolls his eyes playfully. Laughing at your teasing. "I'm kind of proud of that, I'm in my Messi era? Or something like that."
You both laugh, you missed this, miss having someone to joke to. You back away from his circle, haven't seen his friends since then, when you are in Tenerife you won't go to his parents Tasca.
You missed having someone from your past in Barcelona. Someone who knew you before the city, someone who knew you as well as he did.
"That's great." You pat his arm. "I guess I'll see you around." You walk with him to the entrance. "Tell your brother I'll text him, I still need to show him some things."
"Sure, if not, you can text me. It won't hurt if I get a little more involved." He throws the jab at you, noticing your little lip smile.
"I'll ask your brother to send me your number." You say, stopping in from of the exit door. "Bye." You walk over the construction area, he can't keep his eyes away from you.
When he's out, Fernando is waiting for him in his car, the smile he has, knowing what he did. He acts as if nothing happened, he couldn't find parking and wait for you.
"Hey, was everything looking good?"
Pedri scuff, shaming his head while smiling. "Hijo'puta" he jokes, hitting him in the head. "You didn't told me she was here"
"I wanted to surprise you."
"Joder, she looks beautiful. Her smile hasn't changed at all, and her eyes, mierda, are shining like crazy."
Fernando is happy hearing Pedri talk about you, he haven't seen him this happy in a long time. Haven't talk about anyone like this in a long time.
"Her perfume, Dios mio. She hasn't changed that perfume, the same since we met." He's still rambling about you. "You didn't tell me, why?"
"I thought it was for the best, plus you were finding out once you started coming."
"Would it be crazy if I confess that I might be in love still?"
The smile on their faces is comical. Fer knew he never forgot you, and Pedri was just admitting it out loud.
"No." He laughs. "You have one more chance, dude. Don't blow it."
And he doesn't.
Every chance he gets now, he will visit the place. He will be there even tho there's nothing of interest happening.
He loves making small talk with you. Having you explain everything you do or everything you order.
It's weeks and weeks of him doing this, bringing you a coffee or drink every time. You can't help but smile at him, still remembering your order of drink.
Also if he has training in the evenings, he will bring you something to eat for lunch. Worrying because you don't give yourself a little break. In his words.
"This is what I was telling you the other day. If you put this on the bar, it will look better than this other one." You show him, thinking he's playing attention.
"Let me take you out on a date."
You smile, not sure what to say. You want to accept, you still have feelings for him. But you don't want to feel what you used to feel when you were with him.
"Please, I know a place you would love."
"Pedri, I don't think it's a good idea. We are working together and if this doesn't go well its just going to be awkward for us."
"It will not, please just give me a chance." he beggs, grabbing your hands. "If you don't like it or you don't feel good I promise I will back off."
His hands on yours, thumbs caressing your fingers. You want to say no, not repeating the pattern. But you want to give him the chance his asking.
"Vale, but you have to promise me that you won't wear those ugly skinny jeans."
He laughs, he knows how much you used to hate those kind of jeans. Always asking him to let you into his closet to get rid of them.
"If you want to you can dress me, I'll be Ken and you can style me all the way."
You shake your head no while laughing, "I don't think you'll like me throwing half your closet."
If you had. A chance back then, those Jean shorts and skinny jeans were a must in the out of the closet list.
"Let's go tonight, I'll pick you up and everything."
You nod, writing your address in a pink post it. Thing that make him smile, you loved leaving little notes for him everywhere in his house or car.
"pick me up by 8?" You ask, making him nod. "Te veo entonces." You kiss his cheek goodbye.
You do your best work trying to act normal. When you're on your car you let a big scream. You were excited.
It's been six years, obviously it was nerve breaking.
You hurry home, you have time to calmly change and get ready. You picked a nice outfit, nothing too casual or too formal. The perfect middle point.
You have a long everything shower. Making sure to be as smooth as possible. It's not like you're thinking about doing anything but just to be sure.
Pedri was doing basically the same thing, making sure everything is clean and nice for the night.
He even make sure his car is in neat condition, asking Fer to go to a car wash to get it ready.
"You look fine, niño." Fer reassure him again. "vete ya, or you'll be late."
"Deseame suerte."
"You don't need it, just don't fuck this up and you'll be fine." Fer laughs.
You pass around your livingroom, you boots heel making a sound with every strep. You wanted this to go well.
The doorbell made you freeze. You check mentally if everything is good. Check yourself on the little mirror before opening the door.
"Hola, guapa."
"Hola." You blush a little at the compliment. "What is this?"
He hands you the small bouquet of your favorite flower. "A little souvenir from me, to you."
You small at the little game of words, you taught him that. Every time you got him something you used to say that to him.
You like how he tries to fix the past by not making the same mistakes, he bought you flowers, like you say you wanted back then.
"Gracias, get in, I'll put them on water."
He checks your house, he can't deny that he loves your taste, always did. You have a beautiful house.
His eyes land on a specific blanket, he gifted you that on your second anniversary. He remembered that you wanted the blanket and since he was winning some money on Las Palmas. He went out and got it for you.
"You still have this?" He caresses the material. Memories of how happy you were when you got the gift.
You check what he was talking about, smiling a little when you see what he means. "I do. I love that blanket." You grab your bag and stand next to him. "Plus, I usually watch movies or take naps on the couch, so it's the perfect location."
You walk to your door, making him follow you. "I didn't think you had it still."
"That means you don't have any of the gifts I've ever given you?" You joke, knowing most of the things you gave him were clothes.
He thinks for a second, he does have a ring you gave him for his birthday, he loves that ring. Or the bracelet with an eight engraved.
"I do." he smile, he had everything you gifted him. "I have the ring you gave me when I turned eighteen."
When you walk to the car you see a black Lexus. "Where is the Porsche?" You ask as he opens the door for you.
"Had to upgrade a little bit."
You see a crazy clean car, smelling fresh. You laugh a little, he was never this clean with his car.
The drive to the place was confortable, he asked you about your past works and you asked him about football. The usual.
Dinner was fine, you did liked the place and the food. He was right about it. He even ordered dessert and acted as if the waitress had forgotten the other one just to share it with you.
"It was amazing, thank you very much." You say, turning back to face him as you reach your front door. "I had so much fun"
He steps closer to you, hands on your waist. "That means this is me winning my chance with you?"
Your breathing accelerates. His closeness is making things to you. The tip of his nose is touching yours. You nod at his question, unable to say something.
He smiles, he can tell by your accelerate breathing and the way your hands are on his arms that you don't mind him being this close.
He lay his head on your shoulder, hands on your back and thumbs caressing your sides. Your hands roam his arms. Scratching lightly.
"You have practice tomorrow." You say as you finally get some sense back into you. "And it's getting late."
"I think they will be fine without me there. I just won us the UCL."
His breathing on your neck is tempting. But you want to take things slowly, you want to take baby steps with him.
"I don't." You try to think of an excuse on why he can't stay. "I don't have an extra toothbrush."
He laughs, understanding the message. He wants to go slowly too, proving that he's not the same one who hurt you.
Plus, you are not one of his one night stands, he doesn't want you to feel like one. "Oh no! That means I have to go home." He kiss your collarbone and pull away from you.
You fix a piece of his hair, hand on his arm, securing yourself. "I like your hair like this." Your nails brush his hair. Making him close his eyes at the sensation.
"I'll come see you after training." He pulls away from you. "I really want to take you out again, I missed this."
"I would love that." You kiss his cheek goodbye. Entering you house and waving him a quick goodbye.
The whole trip home was him and his mom on the phone. He always trusted Rosy with anything, her and his father were the first people he calls when something good or bad happens.
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He's mad, throwing his phone on the coffee table next to him.
He doesn't understand how people get to judge him based on things that are not related to football. On the field, he does the work. He makes sure he does assists, he even got some goals like the two of the last game.
He's good, he won't say otherwise. It took him so much effort to admit that he's as good as everybody else and saying he's not is unfair to his work and progress.
"Don't mind the things people say on the internet about you."
"I can't help it. Those random dudes on x saying things about me as if they know me."
"Their opinion don't matter." You pull him by the shoulders. He lays on top of you, hiding his face on the crock of your neck. "Don't let a random person affect your day."
You two have been seeing each other for three months, he makes sure to always go check on you after or before practice.
Always bring you something, some flowers, some coffee or a drink. Something to eat. Named it, and it'll be there.
He loves how much you two progress, and you love how much he showed you he changed, how much different he is from who he was back in the day.
"Don't go to work today, stay with me." He pouts.
You smile, nails scratching his scapl. "I have to go, either way your brother will be blowing my phone with questions and worries about every other thing."
"Block him." He jokes, knowing that Fernando was a perfectionist and wants this project to be as perfect as possible. "Seriously do." He kiss your shoulder before getting off of you.
"If I do I'll be fired." You joke back.
He makes a face. "They can't fire you. I'll get you back in." kissing your lips as he hugs your waist, head on your lap. "I don't want to do anything today."
Your fingers scratch his head, trying to calm him down. "I'll be here later, we can watch something on tv."
He nods, loving the feeling of your hands on his hair. Calming down from his frustration. He missed that, the level of confort, not needing to hide to feel intimacy, he missed feeling happy with a girl.
"I wish I could stay, but right now, I'm the one who calms your brother down when he gets perfectionist with every little detail." He understood, enjoying the feeling of being in your arms.
✨️✨️✨️
"Am I crazy or are the lights way too yellow?" Fer asks, judging every little detail he feels is wrong. "And the material, do you think is okay?"
You wanted to laugh, this was a very common thing with clients, they all freak out with the progress.
"Fernando, please don't worry. I promise this would look amazing in a few weeks when things are more placed and organized."
He nods, going to question Marc about something he thought was not right. You move to your office, wanting to organize your things.
You answer Pedri's text, and he told you he was bored and lonely without you. You laugh and answer with a picture of your messy desk.
You hear a knock on your door. "Can I come in?" When you see who it is, your eyes light up.
"Oh my God! Hello." You say happily.
"How are you, nena? I missed you."
"I've been good, working like crazy. You know me, kinda workaholic." You laugh. "How are you? How's Fernando and how's the Tasca doing?"
"We're fine, the Tasca is doing great, a lot of people. You need to go back and pay us a visit." Rosy says, taking a seat next to you. "Fer told me you were working with them, I'm so happy for you."
You love Rosy, she was like a mother to you. She took care of you when you needed it. She cooked for you, she went to your high school graduation when your family couldn't.
She was special to you, really loved her like a family, the same with Fernando. They were family.
You got away from them after the breakup, you needed space and so did Pedri. You thought that invading his space by being near his family was wrong. That's why when you were on Tenerife you didn't went out to see them.
"I am, I didn't know it was them when I got into the project. I'm happy I did. I've missed them."
You talk for a while about different topics, mostly her telling you about all the things that happened all this years.
You also told her about your years, how you ended up with this job and how it was. It was nice to have the talk you two had.
"I missed you, I miss my daughter." She confess. You smile at that. You missed them too.
"I missed you too, sorry I didn't come back to your place. I thought it was the right thing to do after the breakup."
"I get it." She grabs your hands. "Pedri also told me that you guys were trying to see if things work out again."
You smile, nodding. "We are, I feel like we both want that and I feel this is the right thing to do."
"I hope it works out for you two, I want my girl back." She hugs you.
You two talk a little more until Fer went looking for his mom. You grab your things and walk with them to the entrance. You all say goodbye to Marc, asking him to text or call you if he needs anything.
You say goodbye to them, saying that you will call Fer to meet up for lunch on another occasion.
✨️✨️✨️
"Do you want a little smoothie?" You ask Pedri as he walked downstairs. "I made a banana and strawberry one."
He nods, walking over to you. He wraps his arms around your waist, kissing your shoulder and your neck.
"I have training at two." He says in a raspy voice. "And I have to pack, will you help me, preciosa?"
You nod, passing him a glass with smoothie. You kiss his forehead and fix his hair a little. "We can work on your luggage after training. I have a meeting and I can't keep missing work." You bop his nose.
He smirks, he knows you work hard, but you have been missing some days of work thanks to him. You didn't have that much problem since they were the one who hired you, and Marc was okay with your working from home.
"I'll pick you up after practice." He smile, kissing you. "I'll get us some food and we can watch your favorite movie while you help me."
You both enjoy your smoothies, talking a little about different topics. Not caring about anything else but each others company.
He planned to ask you to go to the ceremony with him in Paris, he wanted you there, he needed you as much as his family there.
He went to practice, the technical team and his teammates organized him and Gavi a little celebration for good luck.
"I need to know what cream this dude is using because those bags under his eyes disappeared in no time." Raphinha jokes. Hugging him.
They are all in the bathroom, having a chat while getting clean and fresh to go home.
"He's using vitamin love." Ferran jokes from the bathroom. "He's a lover boy now."
They all hit Pedri's head while congratulating him about being in love. He enjoys the messing.
"Venga, this is not a crazy new." He says, fixing his hair.
"It is." Fermin says, hitting the back of his head. "You were the whore of the group and Ferran is here, take that in."
"Mira capullo, I'm a saint." Ferran yells.
"Joer', it was not that bad." He tried to justify himself.
"It was." Gavi says. "That why we are happy that you have a stable relationship. With someone you love and who loves you." Gavi hugs him. Making all the others hug him too.
After the shower chat, he left looking for some flowers, looking for some fresh food from your favorite place, your favorite dessert.
He knocks on your door. When you open, you're greeted by a big bouquet of flowers, you smile taking them from him.
"Hola." He smiles. "You look so pretty." He close the gap between you two kissing your lips. "I have our dinner in the car, ready to go?" You nod, putting your flowers in a pot before leaving with him.
Your relationship has improved, you love the effort he's making.
When you broke up, you told him he didn't have time for you, that he never gave you flowers, he never cared for you to feel like you matter to him.
He wants to change that. He wants you to feel validated, and he wants you to feel loved. Because he loves you and would change a thing about you.
"I have a little something for you." You say, picking the little box and putting it in your purse. "Let's go, guapo."
He asks about it, questioning you about the content inside the box. You told him that he has to wait until later to find out.
When you two arrive at his house, you help him with his bag. Talking about something you saw on tv the other day.
"I forgot to tell you, Gavi and Ferran say hi." He says as you walk into his room. Food in hand. "And Ferran wants to know if you can unlock him on Instagram." He laughs.
You laugh with him, promising you will do it later. You left your phone charging downstairs, so he had to wait.
"Do you know what you want to take?" You ask him, your eyes fixed on the screen as you search for your movie. "It's cold, and you have to have some outfits just in case. What if you got an outing that needs something formal?"
He nods. "I have a list on my phone of what I want to take, some cargos, a bumper jacket, the suits are being taken by Dolce."
He pulls a luggage, opening it on the bed so you can help him pick the clothes and help him with organizing.
It was a fun time. You ate while organizing and feeding him most of his food to help him some more.
"Oye." He calls your attention. "I want to speak with you about something."
You nod, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. He was standing in front of you. "Tell me."
He takes a deep breath. He needs to be prepared for a bad answer in case you don't feel comfortable with the invitation.
"I want you to know that no matter what, you can say no, and I'll be okay with that." He began saying. "I want you to come with me to the ceremony." He says.
He takes a few more breaths. Trying to prepare himself for the question. "I want you to come with me and my family. I want you all there. My mom, my dad, Fer, and you." He grabs your hands. "The thing here is, I know our relationship is not established as in right now, but I want to know if you would like to come with me as my girlfriend."
You smile. Thumbs caressing his hands.
You need to talk with him before compromising yourself again.
Yes, he did progress. Yes, he did change. Yes, he was better.
But you can't swipe things under the rug. You can't be one of those who start over without making peace with the past.
"Can you sit down with me?"
He nods, taking a seat next to you. He thinks you're saying no, preparing himself for that.
"I want to talk to you." You began. "Before answering your questions, I need you to compromise with me on something."
He nods, already agreeing with whatever you want to say.
"I need you to compromise and tell me if you ever feel like what we have is bothering you. If what we do is making you question our relationship. I want you to be honest with me. To trust me and to be straightforward with how you feel and how I make you feel."
He's surprised, he thought he was getting bad news but no.
"If we are doing this again, Pepi, talk to me." You giggle. "I want your honesty, I want your opinions, I want the long run with you. But I need a compromise." You grab his hands. "I'm not getting younger, I want a family, I want someone to come home to after a long day, after a sad day or just after work. Someone to spend my weekends with watching something or reading a book. And if you can't do that or simply just don't want to. It's okay." You smile at him. "Just be honest."
He frees his hands, grabbing your cheeks and kissing you. "I promise you that I will be the most honest person you'll ever know." He smiles. "I promise that you never were a bother and never will. I want the same as you, I want everything."
You hug him tightly. Sitting on his lap as his hands roam up and down your back.
It felt right. It felt necessary.
You finally got your past to be friends with your present.
"Now about what I asked, if you could answer." He says, giggling a little.
"Yes, to everything." You kiss his lips.
"Also about the gift?" He asks, curious.
"Yeah, you'll wait more than just a few minutes." You say, caressing his cheeks. "But I'll be worthy."
✨️✨️✨️
"Do I look fat in this tuxedo?" Fer asks.
Everyone in the room takes a look at him, questioning if it was the nerves of the situation or if he was serious.
"No." His father says, he wanted to laugh but kept it.
They continue helping with getting ready, leaving soon after everything seems under control.
Pedri and you were alone, finishing with your clothes and looks for the gala. You reassure him that his tux and hair looked good.
"Amor, everything will go the way it is supposed to go." You kiss him quickly. "Trust yourself."
He nods, hugging you to calm his nerves. He can't deny that he's not feeling as confident as he says in the news or interviews.
A knock on the door makes you separate. "Pedri, ready?" His manager asks.
He nods, taking a last look of himself in the mirror. When he's about to leave, your eyes caught the glare of the little box in the nightstand.
"Wait, your gift." You say, walking to the furniture and grabbing the box to take it to him. "Open it before we leave."
You were excited for him to see what's inside. You kept it a surprise until today, knowing he would be less nervous like this.
"How?" He asks, taking the tux bow out of the box. He recognized the piece. "I thought I lost it."
You smile. The bow has a meaning for him. He bought it before leaving to play for Las Palmas. He spent a good part of his savings on it.
"You told me, before leaving the island, that this was the bow you were going to wear when you got your first ballon d'or." You help him with taking the bow he has on and putting the new one in place. "And tonight, this is happening."
He feels his eyes getting teary. He can't help but think about his little self buying the bow at the local shop.
He knew back then that no matter what, he was going to work hard to get into that nominations and into the podium.
And he did.
"Te amo." He kiss you quickly. "Ahora vamos por ese jodido balón." He laughs, making you laugh. (I love you. Now let's go get that damn ballon)
pedri
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Liked by pablogavi, fcbarcelona and 3
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pedri De las mejores noches de mi vida ❤️
Thank you Culers for all the love and support. Without you, this would be happening. This is not only mine but yours too ❤️
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fcbarcelona Our winner 🏆❤️💙
ferrantorres grande hermano ❤️8️⃣🐐
leomessi felicidades Pedri 🐐 bienvenido al club de campeones 💪🏻
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🏷: @gadriezmannsgirl @mbappe-pedri @coco6514 @coco657 @gavisfanta @jajajhaahaha @urmotheris @dessxoxsworld @girlidekanymore @lanussysworld @largavidaalsol
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marycorcaroli · 7 months
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zoro and sanji with a reader who is insecure about her scars.
hurt/comfort, my fav boys.
req ♡ : hiii 🥹🩷 i don’t know if you do requests or are accepting them rn but i was wondering if u could write something for sanji and or zoro abt a reader with like scars from fighting or something and reader is insecure about them but they make reader feel better abt it 🥹 love ur blog ur stuff is soooo cute i love it i hope ur having a good day/night!!
mary ♡ : thank you for your request ! ! i enjoyed writing this so much that i even cried a little :( love your scars ! they are part of you and they make you individual 🫂💌 hope you enjoy it ! english is not my first language, i apologize for the mistakes.
rules ; masterlist.
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sanji.
— he knows all about your scars and knows where you got them from. deep down, sanji wishes he could have prevented you from getting them and helped you when you needed his help and he wasn't there, and you could say he blames himself a little.
— he will notice how you look at them every time you look at them and your gaze grows dim, the sparkle in your eyes dims and your shoulders slump more and more with every exhale, you feel so bad about them and sanji is trying to help you, he will do everything in his power so that you can see the beauty in what you have.
— sanji will always be there for you when that moment comes again and you need support, he will be there for you, you don't have to worry, he will never leave you again.
— he wants you to tell him the burden you carry with you to this day, sanji will listen to you carefully, his eyes fixed on you.
"you know, sanji, they're horrible, aren't they? god, they're everywhere, i just can't live with myself because of it...i just h-" you hadn't finished your words before sanji's palms cupped your cheeks and brought them close to your face.
"let me stop you here kitten. please, i want you to know-" sanji's eyes became glassy like he was about to cry, unable to stand the way you hate yourself. "this, this and this — are you and your actions, the way you protected everyone and were brave, your heart is the strongest i've ever met, your soul is the kindest i've ever met. people appreciate you and love you, they know about your scars and they are grateful to you because you saved them and gave them a chance to live, so why don't you give yourself a chance? i'll help you, i'll be there for you, you know i'll never leave you."
— sanji has rarely ever been this sad, usually he doesn't show his emotions at all, but you make him feel so much. you made him a man with a pure soul again and gave him a chance at the love he wanted so badly and that's why he can't stand your sadness.
— he'll kiss every scar you have and say how beautiful they are.
"look, this one? oh, honey, it's so beautiful! i'll kiss it a million times, it makes you look so beautiful and even with it, you're the most beautiful person on this earth."
— he will never let you feel bad about it again, you will get the kindest words in your direction and the brightest smile from sanji, my god he will make you smile no matter what.
zoro.
— oh i think zoro is not good with his words, he is generally silent and not used to expressing his emotions, but the situation with you will not allow him to be silent. you are literally killing yourself around him and he can't do anything? his heart breaks into a thousand pieces when he sees your blank stare and all the pain in them.
— even if you say "it's okay, i'm fine" he will realize that nothing is okay, zoro knows you too well and knows the reason for your heavy sighs.
— he'll start by coming over to you and hugging you as tightly as he can and kissing your temple, trying to convey his warmth and support.
"zoro-"
— before you can say anything else, zoro's lips will join yours and give you the most tender kiss, conveying half of what he couldn't have said. pulling back to breathe a little, zoro will look deep into your eyes, where he always sees his past, present and future, and tell you what he wanted to say a long time ago.
"um, i'm not the best when i need to be, but you are very precious to me and i want you to know how much i love you. remember? you taught me to love myself and to love what i hate. i was alone, but then you came into my life and you saved me, you were the strongest, you came to me and you weren't afraid of anything, i've never met anyone like you before. you went to any lengths to get what you wanted and your scars are proof of that, because you became a leader for everyone, you led people and gave them protection, you were beaten, you fell a lot, but you always got up with your head held high and i love you for that-"
— zoro began to pant in his speech, afraid to say something too much or not to say something.
— he kisses your scars every day and runs his fingers over them, smiling at you with all his teeth so that you realize that your scars are the most beautiful and have a story behind them, you shouldn't be afraid of them or hate them.
— but also zoro will not let anyone else hurt you because of them. he will literally kill those people if they make you cry. yes you are strong but every strong man needs support and he will be yours by doing everything for you, he will go all over the earth and get you what you need if it makes you happy, he is not afraid of anything if it makes your day better.
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mishapen-dear · 8 months
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oh im gonna be SO annoying about bbh in a minute. i keep saying the same thing over and over again but his character is too fucking complex motherfucker is like:
"i'm a demon who is 11,000 years old and i refuse to acknowledge that im a demon nor that i do bad things (like steal furniture) but i will help people every chance i get despite saying im going to stop doing that and i am going to devote my life to protecting these fragile little eggs even though i know im going to lose them one day because i love them too much (and i know i can do that and it will one day be okay, because i have an immortal diamond to keep me company even if he isn't here now). when my friend throws himself beneath the spokewheel of the federation i will be there, bitter about my loss, but i will not start a revolution until he proves he deserves one. i will do what i can to safeguard his system against corruption because i am afraid the federation will use him to hurt us. i know he doesn't want to hurt us. he keeps hurting me. he is isolated by our distrust in him and he is still working hard to try to be a good person in an inherently corrupt system that cannot be fixed so i will build him a statue. i will not kill him when he takes a picture of me in the presidential chair (that was almost mine) and puts it on his wall and calls me 'employee of the month.' i didn't do all of that work for the federation i did it for him like i do it for others because they are my friends. i will exhaust every option i have to build a reason to NOT start a revolution. to not kill him. because i have to say that i tried. i feel like i have made so many compromises. i have held myself back to try to find reason. i will still remove his access to my base. when the island turns against me and he locks me in a cage for a crime i did not commit, i will remove everyone's access (except for my family the french and my family the eggs). i am having fun. when the eggs appear the next day with cracks and dirty shells i will worry, but i know they're strong. they'll be okay. (when i find my son's secret lab and his unethical experiments that cause him harm i will be proud because he has done what i do. he has helped. i want him to be safe but we are never safe and i trust him more than anyone else. i know now, and i can help him be safe.) when the eggs go missing i will be silent. i will look for them, and i will destroy for them, and i will bargain for them, and i will cry for them, and i will not accept their loss. when my friend who is president who once built a safehouse that saved my eggs' lives is finally damaged by the federation (like i knew he would be when he became president) and he starts to hurt people by pushing the same treatment onto them i will not be surprised. i will be surprised when he tries to marry me. i will not blame him (much) when he tries to kill me. our children are missing. he is forced to pretend that his is not. i wish i could too. i will not tell him yes or no because i need an open avenue to manipulate him (because to save him i will have to manipulate him). i will not marry him because he is out of his mind. i have said marriage is overrated. i have also said that i want to live with him in a house with our kids and my skeppy. when he tells me that he wants to be happy with me i will still say 'aw' because it is the most genuine thing he has said to me and i miss my friend. i will still try to kill him. i fail to kill him with someone else's plan. i don't place a block to lock him in place. i hesitate. it doesn't matter if it's on purpose because the next plan works. i will reveal an item that could destroy me to my closest allies (and tubbo) because it will let us save him. we save him. when he kills himself 18 times over i back away from the explosion in surprise and then step close again. while i have grieved i have thrown myself into mines. it doesn't matter. i am numb and want to feel something. everything has lost colour. we save him.
i visit federation workers and ask them about my eggs and they do not tell me anything. i know they are lying. i visit the graveyard to talk to my lost eggs. i have lost all of the eggs. i do not know how to save them. i lay in the mud. it rains and rain signifies the monster has returned to kill my children but my children are not here and so i do not care. when i go home i will become so angry and i will go down to my basement (which i have locked like my friend locked the entrance to his greatest fantasy. we are so alike and our delusions are different. he child was real; here is the secret to finding my children) where i have locked a federation worker away. i will not wash away the blood stains.
i am also part-time grim reaper and i only ever dress up in robes to make people drink more water."
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crystalsenergy · 2 months
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Navigating transit Saturn in Pisces: for Piscean natal placements (ASC to Jupiter)
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It is important to know and firmly fix in your mind that Saturn is an energy, not a pure consciousness, and as energy, it is manipulated by ourselves, whether we use it for something constructive or negative.
Thus, if the Saturnian energy is used for maturation, the experience will be less burdensome. If your experience with Saturn in Pisces is unconscious, involving escapism, or guilt, with much weight placed upon yourself, Saturn's influence will seem harsh, heavy, hostile. It is us who act, we are the ones who hold the power and influence over our own lives, not simply "the universe."
Some observations for aspects/manifestations of Saturn in your personality at this moment:
Saturn touching, in conjunction...
...Ascendant in Pisces:
a strong moment that will bring various situations regarding yourself. Situations where you may have a more rigid self-view, or others may demand a closed-off stance from you or appear very harsh regarding how you (should) present yourself. Regardless of who you are, Saturn touching Pisces on the Ascendant aims to bring maturity to your personality, making you a Master in the art of what comes in and goes out, of what affects you and what shouldn't.
We say this because the Ascendant in Pisces is like a parabolic antenna constantly in connection and reception with the universe - the universe in the sense of everything that comes into contact with the person.
That being said, it is important for the individual to separate the wheat from the chaff in their life, what nourishes and what drains, what elevates and what reduces vital energy, vibration. It is important for the individual to build maturity regarding the energetic exchanges they engage in and their own functioning. An intuitive being who does not know this side of themselves becomes a slave to their exterior, and therefore, Saturn ends up seeming too harsh, bringing you back to earth, making things heavy.
However, we can look at this moment and ask ourselves: how did I act before everything seemed so harsh in my relationships and exchanges with the world? How is my relationship with myself? Did I pay attention, intuitively but also wisely, to what I felt when I saw and was close to X person, Y environment? How much do I control my own mind?
These are interesting questions that can guide you to a path of greater clarification regarding the somewhat harsh energies that may seem to be surrounding you. It is also important not to punish yourself too much for past mistakes, as guilt is one of the lowest frequencies that exist (the Hawkins Scale demonstrates this very well) and brings self-criticism and a weight that seems to burden us for a long time.
We need to understand, as I have already said, that Saturn is energy, not pure consciousness, and as energy, it is manipulated by ourselves, whether we use it for something constructive or negative. Thus, in an influence like this, if you use Saturn's energy to blame yourself for past "failures," the process will indeed become heavier, and the planet will not be the "guilty" one.
...Sun in Pisces:
Doubts may arise regarding your individuality. Sensitivity may be heightened, quite evident. You may feel something that "hits" very intensely, causing doubt and self-criticism about who you have been. As Saturn and Pisces don't converse so well, the Piscean Saturnian lessons come in a harsh, austere language, where it may seem like the problem lies within, when in reality the issue is how much Piscean vibrations have been integrated into life - especially the life around you (society). The lack of Piscean energy and the integration of what Pisces represents in collective life brings us this feeling of emptiness and that there is no space for our existence here. But of course there is!
...Moon in Pisces:
Here, Saturn's harshness over Pisces touches on internal and emotional issues.
Internally, you may be very rigid, not quite understanding your emotional demands. You may feel a need to emotionally respond to life, to yourself, and to emotional matters in a rigid, closed-off, overly practical manner. But that's not the best way of dealing with Saturn.
With Pisces, Saturn brings us an earthly energy that is put on the table in a practical way, but the things brought to the table for us to face are immaterial, psychic, abstract. Therefore, even in aspect with the Moon, we see a possible emotional difficulty in navigating Piscean matters without a feeling of self-censorship.
The advice for those with the Moon in Pisces is to try to navigate Saturn's need for closure with wisdom, seeking emotional maturity and improvement, seeking to structure their internal lives rather than falling into the traps of avoiding the unconscious and emotional issues, thus ending up building more debts with oneself.
...Mercury in Pisces:
Mercury in Pisces in the natal chart represents much of the search for what the environment and people around us have to say. Even if you don't realize it, a person with this placement has immense ease in reading the environments and the people around them. When Saturn touches this aspect of your personality, it brings the importance of grounding what you read from others.
Because it has an energy of seeking utility and practicality, Saturn tries to tell us that all the sensitivity felt by the mind, which by the way, is not easy to handle (Mercury in Pisces is an exiled position), can indeed be very useful and practical.
However, because it is a language that Mercury in Pisces is not very accustomed to - it is more abstract, intuitive, and indirect - it can be a bit challenging to understand what to do and, ultimately, that you are being led to do something with all the intuition felt.
An example of practical action for a highly intuitive Mercury in Pisces, impacted by others: noticing how much the energy of the environment dictates the energy of your day while you are there [and sometimes even after you leave the environment]. From there, you can take actions to avoid such an environment if it harms you and is possible, or start looking for ways to protect yourself so that only your energy remains with you.
...Venus in Pisces:
Venus in Pisces can be likened to a manifestation of sacrifices within relationships. It can also be seen, in some cases, as a reflection of a person who lives very much in their unconscious in relationships - reflecting fears and traumas in friendship and romantic choices. Yes, this can happen to anyone, but some people bring certain patterns more strongly with them because they live in constant contact with their unconscious, but not in a present manner. Venus in Pisces can have various facets, be beneficial or detrimental, as everything will always depend on the individual and their level of self-awareness and consciousness.
Either way, I see that when Venus meets with Saturn, both in Pisces, they bring a search for relationships that reflect your unconscious in a conscious manner (it sounds ambiguous, doesn't it? but it is very possible to look at what our unconscious brings us in a clear and present manner, that is, conscious of what affects us).
This importance of seeking clearer relationships and less "unconscious" ones will appear in different ways, depending on each being, chart, and life story. But I see that relationships will certainly require more concrete actions and less distance from each individual's consciousness, thus it may shake up the relationship area a bit, whether romantic or friendly, as it will bring you back to earth until you develop an awareness that you are rich in contact with your unconscious mind. However, the contact needs to be wise and transformative.
...Mars in Pisces:
Saturn with Mars can signify the limitation of Piscean energy, the limitation of Mars energy that would come through actions and reactions. However, it can also signify a moment of greater responsibility and maturity regarding how much your actions and reactions have been based on consciousness and something beneficial - to you and to those around you.
Saturn limits, makes things practical, complicates things a bit when we deal with him and Pisces together, for the reasons we've discussed before, but still, we see in this transit an immense potential to learn to act wisely with your own intuition and energy.
Learning to see, responsibly, your needs that were previously unconscious and starting to heal them or indeed attend to them, within what is important and healthy.
Mars is action, seeking self-satisfaction, independence, survival instinct, and reaction. When we see Mars in Pisces, we see unconscious instincts very much governing this being's life - be it the unconscious of others, our own, both... Saturn can be an important catalyst for changes and for using your intuition/energy/empathy in a wise and constructive way, instead of wasting it in any situation, person, or environment.
...Jupiter in Pisces:
Saturn brings to those with Jupiter in Pisces the importance of centering and focusing energies, having a healthy action, and not simply expressing empathy, the search for connection, and something immaterial without limits or consciousness.
Saturn represents focus, centering, materialization, and practicality. In this sense, it brings the energy that Jupiter needs to understand that not everything is just about experimenting and experiencing; we also need objectives, focuses, and a search for results. And that the value of things cannot only come from experience but also from analysis and organization.
Because when we plan and organize ourselves, we direct energy towards it and little by little, plans are built and succeed. In terms of what Jupiter in Pisces tends to deal with, Saturn will bring some "brakes," which may come in different ways. Brakes through difficulties, or through limitations.
An example: brakes on intuitive, energetic, or spiritual experiences (whether conscious or not), which may be done excessively or even without the native realizing they are doing them.
Brakes on how much you overly engage (Jupiter) with others' energies (Pisces). Saturn will bring the importance of reflecting before acting, of measuring where you are directing your immense empathy and giving, and at the same time, it will seek to bring you the energy to act and transform what you want to do, rather than at the first opportunity show what you have, without seeing if that is the right time.
Finally, in the case of beings with Jupiter in Pisces representing immense victimization, manipulation, or other more negative nuances, Saturn brings a certain harshness, unfortunately, because it is a way for the native to realize that this is not the best way to proceed with the strong energy of Jupiter in Pisces. This will happen in a movement of action and effect.
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the-solar-system52 · 3 months
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I was listening to Sun's Help Wanted 2 voicelines again and noticed something interesting I wanna discuss (spoilers: Fazbear Entertainment is doing something shady again)
First, we need to clarify something. It pretty clear that our POV character in HW2 is an adult, and someone who works at Fazbear Entertainment. Once more, I think this minigame is supposed to be like a test simulation of how Sun would act around a child, which explains why we are a grown adult playing arts and crafts. And explains why there are no other children present. The player and Sun have to act out the situation of Arts and Crafts, as a test of some sorts, like employee training.
I think this is why Sun's personality is so inconsistent throughout the minigame. He will go from calling us his 'friend' to insulting us in a second. Sun isn't perfect, but I doubt this is how he would actually act around a child.
His personality is changing because some voicelines are him playing along with the role play, and pretending our POV character is a child. And the others are him going off-script and making jabs at Fazbear Entertainment by insulting us and our work.
This is also why he compliments our artwork and then proceeds to shred it. Because its not real, its just a role play, so there's no need to keep the artwork. I dont think he'd shred a real child's artwork. The player character probably isn't even offended by it.
No matter what DCA lore you believe, it always circles back to Sun being treated awfully by Fazbear Entertainment. Mainly, they refuse to properly fix the Moon problem and I think this explains some of Sun's weirdly out of character voicelines in this. His attitude probably stems from the fact our characters works for Fazbear Entertainment, and he has a huge grudge against the company and all who work there.
"Ha, I should turn off the lights myself."
"Do it again, and you're taking a nap."
Sun is absolutely terrified of the Moon and the dark. From all his other behaviours in other games, it doesn't make sense for him to joke about the lights going out and a child getting hurt. But if our POV character isn't a child, then it makes more sense. Since it's Fazbear Entertainment fault that Moon is so violent, he doesn't mind using some dark humour because he feels like the employee deserves it. Reaping what you sow, in a way. Sure our character is just an employee and doesn't make big decisions like that, but Sun doesn't know that and I don't really blame him for being distrusting to any adult human he meets.
A lot of people, mainly Moon fans, try to use that first line about the lights to reason that Sun isn't actually that scared of Moon. Because he can joke about it, which obviously means he would be willing to turn the lights off out of spite! And he isn't as afriad as we originally thought!
But if you listen past this line into other voicelines, you can see this obviously isn't true. At some point, Sun mentions that it will be naptime soon, and is obviously very scared. He pushes the player character to finish the art quicker and generally becomes more and more anxious and frustrated from that point onward. So it's clear he is still very afraid of Moon, and probably wouldn't be okay with our character getting murdered.
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(Also, literally everything that happens in the hard mode of this level confirms this.)
Anyway, this is where it gets really interesting in context. Because when he mentions it's nearing naptime he says,
"Don't work in the dark, never work in the dark."
And then, after a second, adds
"You'll...hurt your eyes if you work in the dark."
This is obviously a cover-up as to the real reason you can't work in the dark, Moon. But it's not like this employee wouldn't already know about Moon.
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(Probably my favourite peice of worldbuilding in SB is that Sun literally has a warning for Moon at the back of his head, so this cover-up isn't so the employee doesn't learn about Moon, because they obviously already have.)
But with the context that this is supposed to the employee acting out the role of a child, this made me realise something.
Fazbear Entertainment doesn't allow Sun to talk about Moon.
Listen to the line again, and tell me you don't hear it! It sounds like he just remembered the employee was in the room and had to add the excuse on quickly so he didn't get in trouble.
He never calls Moon by name, and always uses some sort of riddle or metaphor to explain what is happening to him. At first I thought that was just how he talked, but maybe it's because he's just not allowed to tell people whats going on!
He omniously warns Gregory to keep the lights on, but doesn't tell him why. Even when Gregory gets closer to the security desk he only says "that area is off limits" and doesn't try to explain how dire the situation really is.
Hell, even when the lights are out and he has nothing left to lose, he doesn't say anything direct about Moon that would help Gregory.
Maybe part of the reason he banned Gregory from the daycare is because he felt he had no other option, it would be pretty hard for Gregory to stay if Sun couldn't explain what just happened.
And you could make the argument that he's just trying not to freak out Gregory, but what about a situation where he has no hope of not freaking someone out? Why doesn't he say anything about Moon then, if he once again, doesn't have anything left to lose.
When he meets Cassie he says
"I am trapped in a nap!"
And in Help Wanted 2 he says
"He'll wake up if the lights go out."
Both use sleep as a metaphor for not being in control of the body, even though I highly doubt Moon is actually unconscious during these moments, since Moon always seems to know where is his target is, so I'm guessing he has Sun's memories.
Again in Ruin, he instructed Cassie to turn on the generators, warned her when it wasn't safe, and even sang a creepy metaphor-ridden version of Daisy Bell! And yet he never mentions Moon by name??
He also never mentions Eclipse by name, and instead just asks Cassie to make them "whole".
And in Help Wanted 2, there was no reason he couldn't properly explain the situation to the employee in the hard mode, since they weren't in the role play anymore.
For whatever reason, Fazbear Entertainment has pretty much brainwashed him to never directly mention Moon. I think this was probably to keep up the false narrative they have made with the Moondrop Candy posters that Moon is a good guy. And Sun telling the kids, or other people, the truth about Moon would be bad for publicity.
I feel really bad for Sun though, that he couldn't properly warn anyone if the lights were about to go out, or talk about his problems at all.
What I'm really interested in is if he has just been told not to say anything OR is there something in his coding literally stopping him from saying Moon's name. Like, if he tried, he would just go mute and not be able to talk.
Although the latter is an interesting concept, I don't think it's true.
First if all, Moon mentions Sun by name in his Ruin voicelines and I wouldn't really make sense for this coding to only apply to Sun.
Second of all, even if his code prevents him from talking about Moon, if he was really determined to say something, he could just use substitute words, write, draw, or in any other way communicate what he wants to say and bypass the coding.
No, I think it's a little more psychological. It could be possible Fazbear Entertainment has simply just told him to keep his mouth shut, and since they have control over everything in the Pizzaplex, he's too afraid to go against them. I wouldn't put it past them to threaten to turn the lights off if he speaks up either. Or to scrap him.
Sun has always had an irrational attachment to rules, which would also be explained by Fazbear Entertainments threats. He determined to keep things clean in the Daycare, but his room is an absolute mess. He doesn't bat an eye at Gregory trespassing in the Pizzaplex at night, but does care when he goes into an "off limits" area. His hypocritical and confusing take on rules can be explained by these not actually being his real opinions, but just paranoid habits brought on Fazbear Entertainment's treatment of him.
"You're gonna get us in trouble..."
As far as we know, he doesn't have any friendships with the other animatronics. And besides Moon's patrols, Sun never seems to leave the daycare. Dudes just a paranoid loser with no friends. (real)
In conclusion, fuck Fazbear Entertainment and I hope the next game involves a robot uprising of sorts.
Edit: I have no clue how forgot this, but thank you to @technowingsgs for reminding me of Sun's line,
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"Not me! The OTHER me!"
This is probably the most egregious and direct example of Sun refusing to say Moon's name. Since he's trying to tell Cassie that she needs to reboot Moon, but can't get away with just using a pronoun, he actually resorts to using an alias. Which may point more to the theory that its his coding that stops him from mentioning Moon, since hes ok with using an alternative name, but I'm not sure. But it could be a combination of factors.
I mean, I doubt its just that Sun doesn't know Moon's name. If MY name was SUN and I saw merch littered around the pizzaplex of a dude that looked like THIS:
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Wouldn't exactly take a genius to come up with a name.
Also! A lot of people were confused at this line and didn't know why Cassie couldn't just reboot Sun in his AR body. So I want to attempt to explain what I think!
It seems that, since Moon is controlling their real body, Sun's consciousness has been pushed into the AR World. And the thing about the AR World is that it isn't exactly real. MXES can't hurt you when you take the mask off, because he doesn't have a physical body, he's more of an ghost or hologram. You can walk through walls, use portals, and enter arcade machines. Overall, it's seems to be some sort of non-physical unreality.
So the reason Sun tells you to reboot Moon and not him, is because he's really talking about his physical body and his AR body. If you tried to reboot him with the Vanny mask on, it simply wouldn't work!
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This because you have to stick the fazwrench into his head, flip a switch, and that somehow merges Sun and Moon's code together into Eclipse. Their code is no doubt stored in a circuit board of some sorts, maybe even the one that's visible at the back of their head. All of these things are physical changes, that rely on the materials and mechanics inside his physical body. So if you tried to reboot him in a non-physical plane, it wouldn't do anything! Since AR Sun is more of a projection of his consciousness, like a ghost, and isn't fully connected to his corporeal body. Thus, the fazwrench couldn't reach the necessary code inside his circuit boards. That's why he asked you to turn the lights on, so Moon would freeze up and you could safely reach him.
That, and the game would be too easy if you didn't have to turn on the generators to freeze Moon! Sorry if that segment was too technical, I waffled on a bit.
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gamebunny-advance · 2 months
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Let's Just Rip Off This Band-Aid (Kliff Doll Repaint)
I still haven't finished adding the fringe to his scarf, but at this point, I don't think y'all will actually care that much. It's a personal project anyway, so I'll just finish it on my own time. Right now, I want to be released from the shackles of this project.
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Once again, my poor camera and lack of editing do him no favors (he's got a real bad case of jaundice in that first pic. I PROMISE he's not that yellow-orange IRL ;o;), but he is (mostly) done.
Well, he was (mostly) done like a week ago, but just yesterday I decided to redo a few things to try and "fix" what was really bothering me about him, so I really made recursive progress. That said, I do like him more now than I did a week ago, so I'm not mad about it.
A little backstory: Alongside Kun3h0, I've been working on him for the past month, so I've been pretty occupied with this project for a while. Now, I do wonder to myself why exactly I thought making this would be a good idea. All I can really say is that my impulsive tendencies drive me to do things against my better judgement.
But, I will still give y'all my documentation and thoughts on the process + more pictures.
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(I'll talk a little more about it later, but for those of you that aren't going to go through the long-ass readmore, the Neon J. mask is a reference to an old comic I drew.)
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(It's so old, I was still writing everything by hand~)
So, the "real" answer to "why" I made this is really as simple as "because I could." As I said in the Kun3h0 post, I've been wanting to repaint dolls for a long time, years even, so in the back of my mind, I'm always thinking of ways I could finally start one.
Well, recently I just finally put together the ideas and motivation I needed to start. And of course, that was with Kliff.
I don't remember *exactly* how I stumbled across everything, but I do recall looking at doll clothes online and stumbling across this trench coat (pictured with the other clothes for this project).
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(I took this pic mostly because I thought I was going to take pics of every major step of the process, but that didn't end up happening).
I thought it was pretty darn close to Kliff's coat, and I got the horrible idea that, "I could def make a Kliff doll to go with this coat as long as I can repaint it."
I feel like usually people would think the other way around, but that is basically the truth of this project: I didn't find clothes to fit the doll, I made the doll to fit into the clothes. Because for me, customizing the doll wasn't really the intimidating part: it's making the clothes. I don't know how to use a sewing machine, and currently lack the patience to learn (and due to some personal trauma that I don't really want to get into), but I can hand-sew, so starting any project that involves it requires me to be willing to set aside a lot of energy for me to do it, which I don't often have.
But, if I could find ways to cut down on the sewing, then I'd be more willing to start. And somehow, I was able to find just about everything I would need for a potential Kliff doll without having to sew anything. In the end, I only sewed together one thing, and it's the one thing that isn't actually finished: the scarf.
So, I blame the trench coat for the entirety of this project: if I'd never seen it, I would have never made a Kliff doll. In fact, I got the clothes before I even had the doll.
Since I was brainstorming this project, one of the most important parts is of course the base doll, which was tricky. Male doll repaints are fairly uncommon, especially of older men, so there weren't a lot of resources or places to get inspiration for this project.
From what I found, most male (fashion) dolls were very youthful, and the ones that weren't usually took heavy modifications to achieve, which was out of the question. Kliff was supposed to be an "easy" project, so on top of not wanting to sew any clothes for him, I also didn't want to have to alter the doll that much to make it look like him. This was a lot to ask for without putting in any personal work, but in a way, this goal was supposed to keep me from actually starting this project: really this whole thing was supposed to just live in my head as a fantasy as most things do, but then I just stumbled into the right set of things, so I couldn't stop myself from going through with it.
The doll I landed on was a BTS Mattel doll. Now I've said before that I know basically nothing about BTS, and that is still true, but that's beside the point. In my research for finding a suitable doll to work with, I found out that a popular base were these BTS dolls. At first, I wasn't into it because I was still running into the "youthful face" problem that I was with other brands: most of them had pillowy lips and nice soft faces, but I did eventually find one that I thought was close enough: J-Hope.
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(It's not the worst match up.)
I don't have pics of my doll before I started working on him, but it was pretty close to the stock photo. He has much thinner lips than the others, and a taller, more angular head shape that I thought would work best for Kliff. I did worry a bit that the nose wasn't "strong" enough to really be Kliff (and IMO, it wasn't XP), but it was the closest I found yet, so I decided to bite the bullet and get one, and if I had one, that meant I needed to start gathering everything I would need for this project.
So, no backing out now.
Now, actually acquiring this doll was a whole other song and dance, but here's the part that's important for how the process went:
Due to a miscommunication with the seller I eventually got him from, there was a delay with shipping, so I didn't actually get him until weeks after "officially" starting this project. In the meantime, the clothes and things for Kun3h0 (who I started as an impulse project within the impulse project) had already been gathered.
The original plan was that I was going to work on and subsequently post about Kliff first since he was a comparatively simpler project. All the things I was avoiding for Kliff: sewing clothes and making modifications to the doll, were all going to be incorporated into Kun3h0, so she was theorhetically going to take longer and be posted later, thus telling a small story of "starting simple, ending complex." But since I didn't have his doll, but didn't want to delay working on Kun3h0 just to wait on him, I started on her and repainting his clothes anyway.
So, I don't have any pics of the doll or his clothes from when I was working on them, unlike the sparse ones I had for Kun3h0, I only have pics from after he was finished.
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But I'll still tell y'all what I can to at least preserve the story.
For starters, repainting this coat was probably the most time-consuming part of this process.
I really thought that it would take one or two days maximum to turn this coat bright yellow, but I think it actually took over a week. And I really should have known; the coat was a medium tone, and I know that yellow takes a while to build up on anything that isn't light. I lost count at some point, but I swear that thing has over 20 coats of paint on it. Mind you, the first 10 or so coats were watered down with the textile medium, which also contributed to how long it was taking for the coat to take color, but at some point I just got so frustrated that I stopped mixing in the medium and painting directly onto the coat to get the color to layer faster. This is a huge no-no for painting acrylics onto fabric, lest the paint crack from creasing the fabric, but I just couldn't be bothered anymore. I needed this thing to be dandelion yellow NOW or I was gonna lose it.
There were consequences for taking that shortcut, such as the paint cracking in high motion areas and the coat getting stiff, but it's not terrible. In the end, I accepted the trade-offs or else I might still be painting the coat. Perhaps one day I'll reverse engineer the pattern for the coat and make him a new one, but I wouldn't count on it. In retrospect, I wonder if I would have had an easier time if I had thought to bleach the coat first?
As you might notice, I contoured/shaded part of the coat in orange. That's something that I actually *just* added yesterday and added another couple of hours to the work time. It was just bothering me that the doll was essentially a giant slab of yellow, and was part of the reason I didn't like it very much. But I got inspired by this repaint to try contouring the coat to give it more depth.
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(I also used this person's videos to modify the hands. He has one deidcated to just reshaping the BTS hands.)
In the end, I'm pretty happy with the results.
The rest of the clothes weren't as difficult to deal with.
The pants took the paint a lot better, likely due to being dark paint on a light surface. Since I used less paint, it's not as stiff as the coat and still go on very easily. Though, they are VERY high waisted, and I'm not sure if that's normal XP
The shoes are also painted (and slightly modified), though I had to paint them twice because the first time, the paint got stretched off when I tried to put them on the doll's feet: the shoes were just *slightly* too small for the feet of the doll, so they really get stretched to fit his feet, and his heels don't actually go in all the way XP.
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He's still capable of standing on his own, but I try not to remove the shoes, so I can avoid having them crack again.
In my "initial clothes" pic, I put down a different shirt than the one he's wearing. The original plan was to repaint the shirt black, but my work space is very limited, so I couldn't really repaint three pieces of clothes at once without significantly risking that I would stain other things. In the end, after getting scarred by how long it was taking for the coat to take color, I decided to just give him one of the black shirts that came with the coat. This does make him somewhat inaccurate since the current shirt has flowers/plants on it, but I'm gonna say that they make up for the lack of flowers on his scarf. Maybe someday I'll make him a new shirt from an old sock or something, but for now, I don't think it's a bad look.
Other clothing of note is the scarf, but since it's not technically finished I didn't take any close pics of it. It's actually made of an old headband of mine that I just cut and painted to look like his scarf.
Originally, I had actually glued on ribbon to it for the stripes, which took a couple days for the drying, but because I couldn't flatten out the scarf to easily glue the ribbon, it turned into a mess and bulked it out too much: since the scale of the doll is already small, I really needed to keep the fabrics thin. This was especially important for the scarf since it was going to wrap around his neck: if it were any thicker, it was going to practically eat up his face, which it still does, just less so.
Speaking of face...
When I finally got the doll in the mail, I started working on him right away, so I don't have any "before" pics of the doll.
After I did the usual "wiping off the face and pulling out his hair," I started with repainting the entire body and head.
Despite Kliff being ambigously "WHITE 🫵," Kliff isn't as pale as the original doll. I'd say even the stock picture I posted above has more warmth than the actual doll did. So, I got the base to be "coral" all over, dusted him in light orange chalk pastels for contouring, and most of his details are outlined in shades of burgandy. I didn't take any nude pics of this doll, but he is countoured all over his body and you can rest easy knowing I gave him some nips XP. But maybe someday I'll show y'all doll!Kliff's washboard abs XP.
TBH, I did want to detail some tattoos and some body hair too, but I just didn't trust myself to do either of those well with the tools I have (my brushes aren't thin enough, and my hand not steady enough for those kind of intricate details). Maybe someday I'll at least get his tattoos in (and after I've actually designed them XP), but we'll see. I don't plan on having the doll in short sleeved clothes very often, so details like that are the least of my concerns.
TBH, I was pretty proud of how the face paint originally went on. I really took my time to make sure it went down flat. It really was beautifully smooth~
But disaster struck.
I had painted the head while it was still separated from the body, and when it finally came time to reunite them, the paint on the head cracked and peeled when I shoved it back on. And, foolish fool that I am, instead of accepting my losses and starting over from a perfectly clean head, I just peeled the lose ends and repainted the exposed parts, which of course made the paint uneven. I somewhat justified this with the idea that most of it would be covered by other details, but in retrospect, I really should have just started over properly.
But, after that ordeal was over with, it was time to actually work on the face.
I can't clearly remember if I worked on Kun3h0 or Kliff's face first. I think I worked on them simultaneously because it took me a LONG time to actually get the courage to work on Kun3h0's face.
I thought I did a decent job on Kun3h0 since I really only had the 1 eye to repaint (the hidden eye is painted, but it's basically just a void with no details), and it was a bigger "canvas", so it was easier to paint. Besides having 2 eyes that I would need to make nearly identical, they were also a lot smaller, so it took a lot longer to paint them in a way that satisfied me (and since it's not easy to "redo" acrylic paint, his eyes lost a lot of smoothness too).
Again, I don't have any "before" pics, so it won't be easy for me to convey my troubles about it, but I do want to say that I think Kliff with a closed mouth is very cursed.
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:I
He just looks like he's itching to say something heinous and that is no different for the doll.
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It was so difficult for me both match his expression on a face that wasn't *completely* his and still look like him. Although I chose this doll because he most resembled Kliff, he was never gonna be a perfect likeness of him, but despite knowing this, it still bothered me that the face was still just very "young" looking.
Granted, I don't think the original Kliff looks *that* old either (if I didn't know any better, I would assume he was in his 30s, not his 50s, especially compared to other characters around the same age), but still not as *smooth* as the doll is (even with my paint mishaps).
If you can believe it, the face actually used be worse. I don't have pics of it, but like the coat, I actually repainted his face yesterday to again try and fix what was making me dislike it before. I think the problem is that I didn't outline the eyes as much as the final one (like, I don't think I lined his undereye at all), so he was lacking depth. The mouth was also a little more off. Instead of being like "<--->" it was more like "|-|"
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(A rough illustration of what I'm trying to describe.)
So, while it's still not perfect, I do like him more today than I did a week ago.
I think the only things left to talk about are his accessories, starting with his wig:
I'm not actually a big fan of the color. When I started this project, I wanted to try and make him as accurate as possible, and the original Kliff design has a very "cherry jolly rancher" hair color.
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However, how I draw him and how he appears in Encore Edition gives his hair a more red-orange tone which isn't as intense. In the end, I opted for accuracy towards his first design since that's the one I was technically most familiar with and wanted to replicate, but in retrospect, I should have realized that I was never gonna be able to seperate my personal quirks from this personal project, so I should have gone with a color that was more accurate to how I interpret him. (I dunno if I would have gone as far as to give him triangular eyes, but one of my biggest takeaways from this project has been that I should have just allowed this to be "my take" on the character instead of trying to be "accurate," meeting in the middle, and satisfying neither condition.)
I don't think I really got across how much I HATED brushing out yarn for the wigs when I posted Kun3h0. It was just such a tedidus process, from brushing it out, to straightening it, to gluing it down. It was such a mess. I'm still finding loose wisps of yarn hair floating around my home since I made them.
Since I had more than had my fill from making Kun3h0's wig, I once again started taking shortcuts when it came to Kliff: I really should have made more wefts for him. I figured since his hair was (compartively) shorter, that I wouldn't need to make as many, but in the end his wig turned out both too thin and too thick.
Since his hair is so messy, I didn't follow any kind of guide for his hair like I did Kun3h0. I basically just glued around the perimeter of the cap, horizontally on the inside, and made sure it would fold over in the front.
Part of the problem is that I made the wefts too thick: instead of just gluing down what could actually touch the surface of the work area, I wound up gluing layers on top of each other, so the wefts would be like a mm thick when they should have been less than half of that. So, I barely got enough coverage for the scalp, and the parts that I did get down are very thick. I think it makes his head look bigger than it should which kinda adds to the uncanniness of him.
I did try to style it as close to canon as possible, but there are some things that just aren't (easily) possible in certain mediums, and Kliff's wild hair is one of them.
In retrospect, I probably should have just sculpted his hair with clay or something: it probably would have been more accurate, but I don't have much confidence in my sculpting ability, and again, I didn't want to modify the doll that much, so I stuck with the yarn.
I might suck it up and try and make him a new wig, I still have a LOT of red yarn left over, so maybe I can make him some new styles too. But the tedium of going through with it makes it very unlikely that I'll follow through~
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(The wig from other angles.)
Since the beard is made from the same yarn, I'll lightly talk about that. There aren't too many resources about bearded dolls, but I've seen people root it, glue it, and even just paint it if they weren't supposed to be thick. In the end I used this repaint for reference (suggestive content warning) and glued it on.
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The scarf covers most of it, but I think it turned out okay. I need to add just a *little* more to his left cheek, but otherwise I feel like I was successful.
Next, it's usually hidden due to all the crap that's on his head, but I did give him an earring.
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I didn't think about it until way too late in the process, and I tried to poke a hole through his ear so he could actually wear it. However, when I tried to do so, I almost ruined his head paint a second time. Saying, "fuck that," I decided to just glue it on.
If I had been more brave with modifying this doll, I might have just resculpted his ears entirely, because, being based on a real life human being, the doll's ears don't flare out that much, so they're easily covered by other things.
His glasses are just a piece of painted plastic that hold to his face using some plastic cord. They fit well while his wig is off, but putting them on with everything else is a goddamn nightmare.
Since his ears are so small, and his hair is so short, there's nothing for the glasses to "grab" onto without the cord, but the cord is too short to fit around the wig once it's on, but I can't make the cord longer to sit over the wig, because the glasses need to go over the headband, and it's a pain in the ass trying to layer everything like that.
So, I have to put the glasses in place first, TAPE the cord to his scalp so they don't move, put on the wig, then put on the headband. It's really such a hassle, but I don't think I can truly convey the annoyance of having to do it all without showing you. So, unless I absolutely have to, I'm never taking any of those things off him again.
I think the last things are the headband, mask, and tablet.
The headband is just a spare scrunchy that I have. I don't have one in the *exact* same color as the real one, so I went with the closest one I had, which was this teal color.
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I didn't feel comfortable repainting one since it's essentially an elastic band, I don't think the paint, even with the textitle medium, would be able to hold up to all the stretching I have to do to even get it on his head.
If I happen to find a white one somewhere in my stash, then I might try dyeing it using water and acrylic paints to see if I can get it green, but for now, I think this works. A little thick, but it works.
The tablet is just a piece of foam painted with paint markers and the mask is a piece of cardboard. I wasn't planning on really recreating any scenes with this doll, but since I remembered that comic, and thought it would be easy enough to make, I went ahead and made it as an in-joke to myself.
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Honestly, I think it's the most charming piece of the entire ensemble. Plus, he can wear it without me having undo/redo any of his other head accessories, so it's easy to make him wear it whenever.
My final comments about the doll itself are that he's fucking huge. I should have taken a pic of him next to Kun3h0, but he is too tall to even fit on my display shelf without sitting.
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(Please ignore any mess you might see in the reflection. This is just one of the only flat pieces of furniture he can stand on without me standing on something to take a pic.)
Despite my interests, I don't actually collect dolls (I'm more into figures and plushies), so I wasn't expecting him to be so big. In fact, Kun3h0, who would be considered a small to medium doll in collector's spaces, was also bigger than I thought she'd be, so you can imagine my surprise when I got my hands on him.
So... I don't really know where I can put him. He obviously can't live in front of my TV, but beyond being too big for my shelf, he also doesn't fit in with any of my other collectibles. And I'll be honest, the contrast of him "clearly not belonging" among my more "kawaii" items was a motivator in starting this project, I live for the gap moe after all, but in practice he really just sticks out like a sore thumb. (This is also why his first pics are in a slightly different location without many props. I just couldn't put together anything from my collection or find a spot among my things to take a good thematic pic with. The magazines/CDs he's with are from my dad's collection.)
I do have space at higher elevations in my room, but it's kinda off putting to have him staring down my room, looking like he's plotting something (my space is too small to ignore it). So I dunno what I'm gonna do with him. I did have plans to make him some... cuter outfits so he wouldn't stick out as much, but that requires sewing, and I'm kinda worn out from this project.
In conclusion, despite my troubles with this project, I'm not entirely displeased with the results. At the very least, it was an experience, and one that I might even be willing to do a third time 👀...?
But for now, I'd like to rest and maybe go back to drawing again. I feel like I haven't drawn anything "real" for a while now. We're inching closer and closer to the next follower milestone (4 digit number BA-BY!), so I'd like to at least get back to being good enough to sketch some stuff for y'all soon~
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lunathebee · 1 year
Note
Hiya ✨ how's everything Luna?
I kind of have a weird request if you're interested, I have been feeling a little down lately, how do you think the moon boys would react to you saying that you don't see yourself or feel yourself as someone beautiful?
Thank you if you can get to it and have delicious cookie 🍪.
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THE MOON BOYS REACTING TO THEIR S/O HAVING LOW SELF-ESTEEM
Warning: none just fluff
A/n: I hope this hc make you feel better anon, remember you're more than the beauty standard hun ♡  (thannks for the cookie too!)
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🍓 Steven Grant 🍓
He is...baffled
How can you feel that about yourself?
You make his heart beat like crazy and his hands feel sweaty whenever he's near you.
Steven thinks he is lucky that you would even date him.
"I- no- how? Darling, you can't be serious?"
Is looking into his lovesick eyes not enough to tell you how beautiful you are? When he stumble over his words when you look at him? No clue?
I think Steven would even embarrassed himself talking about you to other people.
He's that kind of person who would bring up their lover the second someone talks to him; he doesn't care about social cues.
"Hello hi, great day innit *long silence when the other person don't reply* I'm bringing flowers to my lover - Y/n... *more long silence* They're amazing and beautiful too do you know that?"
Steven is so sweet to the point its unreal
I believe this is only an "imaginary scenario," because there is no freaking way you will feel bad or don't see yourself as someone beautiful when you're dating Steven
🍓 Marc Spector 🍓
Again, Marc will blame himself.
Like shit, he must be so deep into his stuff that he forgot about you.
Feels guilty for not showing his love more frequently, making you feel so insecure that you don't even try to hide it.
Marcwould give you the moon if you asked for it, but he rarely says "I love you so much" out loud
"I don't know Marc, it's just that feeling I get when I look in the mirror....you'll find someone better than me eventually."
"Stop, baby, what are you talking about? I would never..."
Marc doesn't know what to do, but he will try to show his love more.
Can you imagine a guy who can easily take out ten dudes in hand-to-hand combat blushing when he says "I love you"?
Please never feel insecure about yourself; you are so important to Marc that he would even change himself for you.
🍓 Jake Lockley 🍓
Blank stare at you
Does that mean you are feeling unwell?
He already has a few more "works" to do, but you're more important, so he will cancel them all.
Jake thought you were saying that as in "I changed something about myself, and now I'm not beautiful anymore."
"Mi amor, is it because of that outfit? Or your hair? I do think it needs a bit of fixing, eh?"
When you told him the real reason, he chuckled.
"Did someone tell you that? I would kill him"
"No- NO! Jakey, haha, you can't just joke about it like that!"
"If it makes you smile, then it's worth it."
Cheer up, Y/n. You've got the most powerful and dangerous man wrapped around your finger; do you still think you're not beautiful?
187 notes · View notes
asherloki · 10 months
Text
Hi! I made a prompt list ! Feel free to use it, reblog it and request with your idea!
"I loved you since long ago, before we even met"
“Stop messing with my hair! I curled it this morning!”
“I love you, but sometimes I really want to throw you off a cliff.”
”I thought you were a princess or royalty.” "how did you know?"
"You're a literal goddess"
“If this isn’t meant to be, I don’t know what is.”
“It’s hard to explain, so I’m not gonna try to explain and you can figure it out for yourself.” “Fair.”
“Love isn’t something you can control.” “I know, so I’m leaving before it can.”
“Who are we to each other?” “You tell me.”
“I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.” “Stay with me for long enough and you’ll be able to.
“How do I make you feel better?” “Go get me a cheesecake, coffee, and chips, that’ll make me feel better.” “Fine.”
“Bite me.” “I thought you’d never ask.”
“You are the most idiotic but adorable human on the planet.”
“Stay with me.” He hugged me tightly. “Please.”
“I promised…” He gasped for breath. “That I would protect you. And I intend to keep the damn promise.”
“I’ve never met someone like you.” “Because everyone in this world is different and there isn’t another face like mine? Duh?”
"Everyone I loved chose other women over me" "I choose you over myself."
“Let her go. Now.” His hand gripped tightly on his wrist. “Or else this isn’t going to end well for that little nose of yours.”
“Gosh, you’re so handsome.” I paused. “I think I just said that out loud, didn’t I?” He gave me a wide grin, “Yeah.”
“Listen to me, you’re both my queen and your parents’ princess.”
"I looked for you in every century I was in, before finally getting you".
“If we aren’t meant to be together, then I don’t even know anymore.”
“I’m not getting involved in this, you’re doing this yourself.”
“So? What’s so urgent that you had to call me out at one in the morning?” “I just wanted to see you again.” “Oh fuck you.”
“I will say I love you everyday to make sure that you remember you’re very much loved in this world.”
“You just never cease to amaze me, do you?”
"Loving you is a commitment for me itself".
"People say so" "they don't know me and my love for you."
"I forgot to even ask her name ".
"How can you look cute even while being mad?"
"You make me feel like I've never been in love before."
"Say it, blame me." "I forgive you, you're never to be blamed, we're fine".
"People says I'm odd" "you're incredible."
“Hey, I know it’s a mess, but it’s our beautiful mess. We’ll fix it together.”
“You’re all talk. Why don’t you show me what you really mean?”
“Don’t go. I don’t even know who I am without you.”
"you never asked me anything in return, you just showered love on me, and all I gave you was doubt, unfaithfulness and mistreatment."
“You’re so cute when you’re sleepy.”
You've done everything for me, it's my time to be your knight ".
"I started loving you with the intention of never stopping."
"I know you, no other opinion can make think differently."
"I am not easy to deal with no?" "I don't like easy".
"I never thought I'd get someone who'll love me more than anyone else"
"don't push me away" "I'm here to pull you back".
"I don't want a lover if it's not you".
"I don't know who are you to me." "Perhaps someone you were looking for."
"do you know what love is?" "Yes" "what?" "For me it's you".
"you are violent! I like it".
"you are a pink rose, just needed a gardener to bloom at it's best."
"everything seems different and out of control." "Trust me, I'm still the same."
"the moon, it's just like you".
"will you stick with me even if I am not the person you knew anymore?" "You're always my person, and I'm always yours".
"I'm an open book." "But the genre is mystery, it's hard to solve it, buf I'm here for the adventure."
"I know you more than I know myself."
"you don't know how beautiful you are to me, since day one" "you found me when I was a mess." "Still, a beautiful mess".
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rinatic · 1 year
Text
In love with my roommate | Johnny Suh
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Pairing: roommate!johnny x fem!reader
Genre: best friends, roommates, friends to lovers, angst and fluff.
Word count: 2k
Warnings: shirtless johnny
A/n: first attempt so pls be nice to me lol, hope y'all enjoy this :)
I rolled over in my bed and looked at the time on my cell phone. It was 9:30 p.m. and my twenty-minute power nap had accidentally turned into a two-hour snooze. I glanced out the window to check the weather conditions. It was completely dark with a lot of wind.
Definitely not the best time to jog around, but it would have to do. I really needed to walk to clear my mind from one thing.
My crush likes someone else.
And what is worse is my crush is, unfortunately, my roommate.
I threw off my blankets and pushed myself out of bed. I gave one good yawn with a long stretch then plopped back on my bed. Remembering that he told me he's going on a date today and might bring that girl he keeps talking about to our shared apartment.
He did leave early, so i suppose they're on their way to here? If so, i have to hurry up, i need to get dressed and be outside in like minutes. If i don't get my lazy ass off my bed and start dressing soon, I'll get to see him here with her.
And I don't want to see her.
I can't allow myself to because I'll know she'll become the person i hate the most, knowing myself, I'll probably blame her for every little thing that goes wrong in my life from the very moment i see her.
And I don't want to do that.
But how will I avoid her when she'll be the girlfriend of my roommate?
A knock on the door startled me. "Are you there, y/n? Can i enter?"
It's him, of course it's him, who would it be except that stupid boy i like?
I found myself fixing my posture as well as my fixing my hair. I hate to admit it but it became a habit to check if i look present and neat in front of him. "Yeah, come in." The door swung open slowly, and there stood Johnny, wearing nothing more than a towel that he wrapped around his waist, showing off his perfectly chiseled body. The towel looked like it will fall any moment.
Little water drops fell from his hair strands to his neck to his chest. I couldn't help but admire how fucking hot he looks right now.
I hope he did not notice me practically drooling over him. "You've been in your bed all day?" Yeah, depressed because you don't acknowledge me nor my feelings towards you, I thought. "Yeah, but I'm going to hang out with a friend, I'm gonna get ready.."
"At this hour? You goin' to a bar or somethin'?" Ugh. That's what I dislike about him. He's so nosy. He's the type to want to know everything, so annoying. I watched him as he went to my closet. "Can't I leave this house without telling you where I'm going?"
"I tell you everything, we're best friends so we shouldn't hide something from each other." He threw a glance at me over the shoulder then took my perfume. He had the audacity to come to my closet and steal this specific perfume everytime he has an important event to attend. Or specifically when he has a date.
Yes, I've suffered for the past two years from watching him going on countless dates. Bringing his girlfriends here and even fucking them here in his room that is right next to mine, i had to listen to it all night while crying silently. He really made me master crying without making any sound, it did became a talent.
He started spraying it on his body, he sprays too much, literally drenches himself in perfumes and it did make me anxious. You wouldn't stand being close to him, you'll get dizzy.
But i don't mind.
"I'm sure your girl will get dizzy if you keep spraying all that." I said. "Nah, you know girls love men who smell good."
I sighed. "I know but that's way too much- wait, you're still using my perfume even after what happened?" His ex girlfriend who was practically living with us here last summer fought with him over this, she thought he was cheating and broke up with him. I don't really understand how he thinks that putting my perfume on will make him attractive.
"I love the smell, okay?"
"Ugh, put it back, i have no time to buy another these days."
"Shut up, you use my stuff too." He put it back and ran his fingers through his soft black hair. I brought my attention to his face again. "I only took a hoodie, it was an emergency and i gave it back."
"Steal anything you want, y/n, there's no other girl that will take my things." I smiled upon hearing his words. "Yet." My smile dropped. And i hoped he didn't notice the dimness on my face since i just remembered his date.
i got up and left my bed untidy, pushing the thought away to the back of my head. While passing by him I ignored how hot he was and kept my attention on my closet. Picked a basic shirt and pants. Grabbed my hair essentials as well since he doesn't look like he'll get out any time sooner. "That outfit isn't enough, it's so cold outside."
I stopped mid walking. "It's fine, i don't get cold easily." I said with bored eyes. He left the room and i put my things on my bed and closed the door. Is he mad or something or did he want to give me space to change in my own room?
I finished dressing up quickly and let my hair loose on my shoulders. I turned the handle of the door and went searching for the keys.
Did he leave already?
I let out a big sigh as i felt my eyes welling up with tears. Did he really leave that fast? Without even saying goodbye? Does he hate me? I don't really understand why i still have a crush on him at this point. It's useless, I'm wasting my emotions and time when i could be doing something better.
"So you didn't wear a jacket, here.."
Two hands put a jacket on my shoulders. I turned around and he started helping me wear it properly. "You always get so cold, i can't stand seeing you shaking." He zipped it and smiled at me. "You look cute in my jacket."
I pretended I'm fixing my 'makeup' while I'm actually wiping my eyes. "Thanks, wear a one too."
"If i wear a jacket, my date won't notice my sexy body!" He argued playfully, i smiled at his stupid reason. "You look good anyways, you don't have to show your body."
I blurted these words out and bit my lip bottom, damn, did i just let him know that i acknowledge how good he looks?
"Why don't you walk with me to the nearby restaurant?" He said, ignoring the statement i said and I'm glad he did so, he raised his eyebrows and placed a grin on his lips, he always does that face to make me say yes. "Alright." I said. I bet he noticed how uninterested i am, maybe that will make him leave me alone.
He grabbed the keys. "You've been my best friend for a long time, y/n, so i want you to see my date." Hm. That's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to have a breakdown when i meet her. I know how weak i am when it comes to handling my emotions. "You're good at reading people, that's why i need you with me, babe."
Did this man just call me babe?
I ignored that feeling in my stomach and nodded. "Let's go!" He blurted happily and skipped to the building's gate. I sighed as i watched him waiting for me to come with a smile.
I wish the reason behind that smile was me.
Skipping a few stairs, then, i walked next to him, i put my hands in my pockets to keep them warm. He was weirdly quiet, usually johnny talks a lot. And he only stops if he's eating or thinking.
So i guess he's thinking of something.
"Why are you dressed so simple." I asked when i saw his outfit. Hw wore a pair of jeans and a sweater. "My date loves simple things, she isn't into fancy stuff." I hummed and brought my attention to the stores. I remember the last time we walked together here. It was last christmas i believe, we had this tradition of taking walks in December as a friendship thing because we met each other in December.
"We arrived." His voice brought me to reality. I looked at the restaurant. It was the restaurant we ate together a lot when we started attending college. Out of all restaurants in town, did he have really have to bring her here?
Why is he quiet? I waited for him to step inside but it looks like his legs got frozen. "Aren't you going to enter?" I asked. Waiting for a response. "she's not inside..."
Is she late to the date? Who's that stupid woman anyways to be late to a date with the johnny suh? If i were her i would've arrived thirty minutes earlier. I can't believe we're freezing in cold waiting for her to come. This alone says a lot about her. But it's good, maybe this will make him uninterested.
"...she's right next to me."
Huh? What did he say?
I looked to his other side. "Nah, she's not here, dumbo."
"If anyone is dumb then it's you, y/n." I furrowed my eyebrows. "Hey, from the moment we met till now i still manage to outsmart you in every situation."
"Yeah, it's obvious." He rolled his eyes. "Are you making fun of me?"
"Yes, because the girl i like is you, y/n."
What?
Did i hear him right?
WAIT.
....
"Huh.. it doesn't make any sense, can you please speak more clearly?"
"I literally just admitted i like you.." he looked at me and stopped talking for seconds, analysing my expression. "Well. It's shocking.."
"It's not, how can someone not fall for you." He got that flirty romantic look in his eyes and i immediately looked away shyly. I can't believe the words that are coming out of his mouth. Does he really like me? And if he did, why did he tortured me all this time?
"Well, i like you too." I admitted. Still not believing the fact that we just confessed to each other, but wait, what if this is a prank?
"I know you like me." I immediately darted my attention to him. "Huh? How did you know?!" I asked in disbelief. "You were obvious, y/n, you can't really hide your emotions."
I bit my lip in embarrassment. "But I'm kinda sad you didn't notice my crush on you." He said, pretending to be sad by doing an awfully cringy aegyo expression. "Like, i literally use your perfume only! I buy you lots of things too! I even tried to get a reaction from you by bringing girls in our dorm, but still nothing. You frustrated me to be honest."
"You're frustrated? Frustration is a weak word to describe how i felt! I wanted to kill you!" He raised his eyebrows. A little too surprised at my choice of words. "Still, I'm not in the wrong." He crosses his arms. "The problem is, i was so obvious, it's not my problem you didn't know i like you."
"How am i supposed to know when you're flirting with literally everyone?" He laughed. And even though i felt annoyed every time i remember it, i couldn't help but smile upon seeing him laugh. "You sound so bothered, i promise you i won't flirt with everyone from now on."
Thinking of us dating, i was too deep in my own thoughts that i didn't realize his hands on my arms. He grabbed me by the jacket and slammed his lips on mine softly, he finally kissed me the kiss i daydreamed about. I wrapped my hands around his neck. Playing with his hair as we kiss.
"Johnny, i think people are staring." I pulled away and whispered into his lips. "Don't pay attention, we can do what we want.." he smiled at me softly "we will do what we want." He connected our lips again, this time, i kissed him with no care in the world.
"I love you, even though you're stupid as hell to the point of not getting my hints."
"Did you just call me stupid?!"
"Sorry!"
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creature-wizard · 5 months
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Blacking out the URL so's to neither give the person linked free advertising or subject them to potential harassment.
In the post you specifically linked me, it's pretty obvious to me that the blogger is feeling stressed out. People sending you questions that you already answered can be a very frustrating experience.
Many people on Tumblr, regardless of their beliefs or interests, don't really understand that one way of handling the problem of repetitive questions is to make a FAQ, and then answer said question with "Check my FAQ! 😊" Like full disclosure here, I am prone to irritability myself and having a FAQ I can just direct people to when they ask something that's been asked a million times before spares me a lot of stress that might otherwise build up and lead to me to snapping at somebody.
Now setting aside this post and looking at the Law of Assumption community more generally, there are a number of reasons why we see so much mean behavior coming from it.
One reason for this is that the Law of Assumption is essentially a form of spiritual bypassing. It presents itself as magic bullet solution to fix everything wrong with your life, but doesn't actually contain anything to help you cultivate stuff like self-awareness, emotional management skills, distress tolerance skills, boundary setting skills, and all that. You've basically got a community full of people who are desperately clinging to this belief system as their lifeline, with very few actual skills or tools to help them work through and manage their psychological stuff. Meanwhile, all of this "delulu is the solulu" stuff is the very definition of spiritual bypassing. (And it's also ableist as hell, since it trivializes the struggles of those who actually deal with delusional disorders.)
Another reason, which I elaborated upon over here, is that many people in this community are trapped in competition mentality. Many of them basically believe that their personal worth derives from being considered better or more desirable than other people. When you're in competition mentality like this, you start seeing other people as your enemy, and you get more and more stressed out; and thus, more and more likely to lash out.
The Law of Assumption also fosters a victim-blaming mentality through its assertion that literally everything that happens to you happened because you manifested it. People don't have to face the reality of systemic inequality and admit that bad things can happen to good people through no fault of their own; instead, they can just pull the Neville Goddard version of "well, you were obviously asking for it!"
So yeah, that's basically why the LoA community is so mean. You have a bunch of stressed-out people following a form of mysticism that fails to offer any genuinely useful tools for dealing with their psychological problems, while encouraging beliefs that amplify any pre-existing insecurities they might have (and if they don't have those insecurities, are almost certainly implanting them), and teaching them that bad things only happen either because the victim manifested it, or you manifested it for the victim.
For anyone reading this post, if you are leaving or questioning the Law of Assumption and need help, please see this post.
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wishmemel · 1 year
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hot take: the kind of partner satoru needs
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so i kind of wrote my opinion on the kind of partner gojo satoru needs and for some reason everyone really seemed to like it (even though i was literally just ranting. i love you all so much.) but now i'm here to elaborate because i feel like some things weren't specific enough. (i'll leave the actual post linked above!)
when i say he needs someone soft, i absolutely do not mean someone who is a pushover or is super insecure with themselves. if you can't be confident in yourself, you won't be able to help anyone else do the same, right?
i mean soft in personality, yes, but they also have to be firm to a certain extent. otherwise satoru's pushing them back and forth, this way and that, and there's no actual development on his part or in the relationship?
the point is that he's unwilling to change, really. so if someone drops in his life and asks him to change with a pretty please thrown in, you can bet that it doesn't mean anything to him.
he needs someone who knows when to push and when to back off. and then when to kinda nudge him again. it's not a "i'll lay myself completely bare so you can observe and never do the same."
it should be more like a one by one thing. i tell you this about myself so now you trust me enough to tell me one thing about you. and the cycle continues until they're at a point where he can fully trust them and be willing to open up to them.
opening up to someone, especially when you have trauma (which satoru does) is not easy. like not easy at all. there's guilt and shame for opening up, and overthinking and why did i do that. what if they tell someone. they're just gonna leave again. what's the point. and that's just barely scratching the surface. he's already lost his best friend, so you can bet that it would be super difficult for him to reach even that level of trust with someone again. i wouldn't blame him if he started shutting people out or kept people at arm's length because that's just his defense system speaking.
I can say this from experience. when someone who you consider to be your best friend leaves, you are going to feel betrayed and you are going to feel hurt. all things considered, he handled their "break-up" pretty well. especially when you see that he still considers suguru to be his best friend. that's a very forgiving thing of satoru to do. and i haven't finished reading the manga yet, but as far as i know, we don't really get a glimpse into satoru's head of why he chose to do that or if it took him time to heal from that or anything. he and suguru went to school together. they grew up together. it wasn't just a few months thing. it was multiple years. so it was bound to hurt ten times more when he left, but satoru didn't seem to hold a grudge much. (except for the whole killing thing, but like... it's whatever. oh, and the impersonation of suguru when he was yelling about feeling stuff in his soul. good times.)
anyway, aside from that, to accept that suguru's gone, to know that yourself, to forgive yourself for "not being enough" and whatever else gets in your head during times like that, and to forgive the person who left is not a small feat. that's like years of healing. (it took me almost two years to forgive my closest ex-friend who was there for less than six months and ended up leaving. so to imagine being in satoru's position is crazy. but time really does heal everything.)
i need you all to understand this.
he. has. trauma.
and that's why so many people have the urge to "fix" him. he's one of those emotionally unavailable men and for some reason we all go crazy when we see someone like that. we all want to be the one to be able to fix him, but you know what, investing all your energy into fixing someone can leave you broken. that's not what you want.
it's so important for satoru to be with someone who they themself are mentally healthy or else this is just a cycle of who can screw each other over the most/fastest. you need to overcome your own demons to help someone else face theirs. you can't become his therapist because that builds unhealthy patterns in relationships where you constantly feel like nothing more than a brick wall. stand there. listen. give advice. repeat. reader is going to feel less like a partner and more like a medical professional.
so again give him someone to come home to, someone who cares, someone who will not betray or leave him. someone he can have to fool around with. someone who he can say it's us against the world to. someone who listens when he does need to vent and vice versa. give him a partner, not a therapist. (send him to therapy first though. then the partner comes in.)
again give him someone soft but someone who will not take any excuses from him when it comes to his healing. give him someone who cares so much that he has to put himself back together to be with them. give him someone who motivates him to be a better person because he doesn't want to lose anyone else and if they leave then that means that he's lost (but it doesn't mean that he's lost everything. because life has to mean more than one person. he has to be worth more than just one person. and honestly all he needs is a little shove in the right direction to understand it.)
so maybe their relationship isn't entirely romantic. or maybe the romance comes years later, after he's healed. maybe this is not a story of romance and love at all. maybe this a story of light and healing. let him find his way home but let him stand on his own two feet and do it himself.
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acourtofthought · 2 months
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Hello love, its been a while ~
I was doing a lot of re-reading and I don't know if someone ask before. Mostly cause Read something about Tamlin and I started looking more into it. While I won't ever forgive TAM For doing nothing while Feyre went through the trial, I get its based on the Ordeal of Tam Lin. But what happened after I am trying to Analyse his POV, since we already have someone who wrote Rhys POV. And i came to the part where Rhys had to go to Hewm city and he told Feyre, he's debating whether he wants her to come because he doesn't want her to see, who he has to become, and the part he has to play. Which in height sigh makes me take a double take, While Tam actions are terrible, In a way I can see his desperation because, This person, this male who he doesn't want Feyre to see, this person he's scared to show to his mate, is how everyone else besides the inner circle Sees Rhysand, and also there is already a strained relationship with him and Tamlin from before. So I wanted to see what you thought Tamlin's POV would be, and how desperate he must've been to make the decision he made, Cause I would've probably do some horrible things too If I thought My loved one was being kept by someone who's depicted as a terrible person. what do you think of this?
Hello!!!! I have missed you and hope you are well! I love that you're tackling something that not many delve into. You know, I don't necessarily blame Tamlin for not doing more UTM (at least up until the part where he and Feyre were about to hook up) because he was being monitored by Amarantha. He'd already seen what she was capable of doing to others and knew that she was looking for anything to use as leverage against him so had he given even a hint of his feelings for Feyre, she would have used that against him. I do think his lack of action or emotion was a smart play for the most part. Rhys was able to do more for Feyre because he'd had all those years to establish himself as Amarantha's "ally" and had gained a bit of her trust. Tamlin did not have that luxury. After that my frustration with Tamlin comes from his lack of truly listening to his partner telling him all the ways she was struggling and not looking at ways he could help himself. I don't think he was trying to cause her suffering, I think he truly wanted her to be happy but I think his fears, anxiety, etc made him behave irrationally and he lacked the self awareness to realize that "I need to fix myself first so that I can be who she needs". With that said, I don't know that it's fair that on top of everything else he was dealing with, like helping his court find their way again (Lucien tells us that the people of Spring ended up doing terrible things to one another during their confinement) and his own traumas, he was also stressed about the bargain Rhys forced Feyre into. Rhys allowed others to believe the worst of him so there was a countdown clock hanging over all their heads for the day Rhys called in his bargain. There was countdown clock on how many days were left before Rhys began torturing the female Tamlin loved. We saw how beside himself Rhys was at finding out about Feyre's pregnancy and that was a year after they won the war while his people remained somewhat sheltered from it all. Imagine how Tamlin probably felt weeks after being freed from a 50 year curse while worrying about his people (who were tormented for 50 years), his court and Feyre's life? It's a lot and honestly, I think many would make poor decisions during that time. It's a shame those decisions harmed Feyre's health and well being but it's more tragic than anything. He was fighting a hundred different enemies in all directions and he lost his way. Had Rhys and Feyre both been more honest about Rhys and the NC I don't know that things would have gotten to the point they did. Tamlin isn't blameless in letting things get to the point they did but neither were Rhys or Feyere. They all contributed to the shit show that followed. Really, I think a mistake on both Tamlin and Feyre's part was jumping into their engagement when neither was in a place to really focus on their relationship.
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lyon-amore · 8 months
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With you until the end of the world Epilogue
Chapter 17
I don't know how long I was dead. Well, not seriously. But it was as if I was. I didn't feel anything, I didn't feel like doing anything. I lived under the supervision and care of my parents because I couldn't take care of myself. They even controlled my medicines because they were afraid that I would take them all.
Today, I think they did the right thing.
The day I started to be myself was after three years. My friend Lian came home together with her husband and they little girl. They brought me a gift. That gift was a small white rabbit with black spots. She knew that it was my favorite animal and that having someone to take care of would be good for me so that I could have strength. Henry became my spoiled child from that day on. The following year, I met a guy. It took me a bit to open up to him, but I got it. The problem was that no matter how much I was with him, I kept thinking about Jake. I was better now, but I couldn't forget it. I believe that a man like him cannot be forgotten. And that was the problem in our relationship: that while I was with my boyfriend, I was thinking of someone else. I even thought that if we got married, focus on something important to both of us, I might not think about Jake. 
What a fool I was
My marriage lasted one year. I was totally honest with him, that I couldn't stop thinking about another man that was in my life when we were together. I asked for a divorce without any conditions, not part of the money, I didn't want anything, just for him to be happy with someone else, because he wasn't going to be with me. He didn't want a divorce because he thought my feelings would be resolved if we stayed together, but I couldn't keep hurting him.
It's been eight years since Jake died and I still think about him. His sisters also suffer because they never got to meet him in person. At first Lilly blamed me, but because she needed to take her anger out on someone, since John Fusch was dead.
I fix up Henry's corner while he's running and jumping around the house. I think I take better care of him than myself. They knock on the door of my apartment and I announce that I'm coming, leaving everything well placed. Opening the door, I am met by a teenager with curly blonde hair, looking at me with big blue eyes.     “Yes?” I ask curiously "What do you want?"      The boy surprises me by hugging me and I freeze to the spot.     "H-hey, are you alright?"     “Yes, sorry” I can perceive in his voice that he is still with the change in voice “Don't you remember me?”      I look at him closely, examining him. I make a surprised sound, not believing it’s him.    “Jack?” I ask him and he nods “But- What are you doing here? How-“ I try to calm down when I see him. The little angel had grown up. He lets out a laugh and looks around “Did you come alone? And your parents? Because they told me years later that they adopted you.”     “My father is waiting in a cafeteria, he brought me” he answers, adjusting his backpack “, I wanted to see you, Angel.”      A wave of cold runs through my body hearing that name. I give him my best smile, not wanting to sink.     "You can call me Macie" I answer slowly ". You know that's my name.     “Yeah, sorry.” He scratches the back of his neck uncomfortably.     “Do you want to come in? Because I don’t think you came here just to say hello.”     "No, I've come for something important.”      He pushed me aside and enters the apartment. We go to the living room and I take Henry, leaving him in my lap, stroking him. I'm nervous about what he might say.    "And are you doing well with your studies? Do your adoptive parents take good care of you?”     "Yes, my studies are going well and about my parents" he sighs and smiles “, at first I gave them a lot of headaches because I wanted to get back to you and Jake, I kept saying your names.”      I bite the inside of my cheek, uncomfortable.     "You know that Jake…" I pronounce with pain. I dare not say the word or think it. I can’t anymore    "That's why I'm here" He takes off his backpack and unzips it. He takes out a programming book and holds it out to me “. I got this a few days ago, but I haven't ordered it” I open the book and start reading it. It is a normal book, I don’t find anything strange “. It is then that I have been looking for you, to be able to give you this” he takes a telephone number from his pocket “.I have spoken with the dude-“     "You know you shouldn't talk to strangers on the phone?" I ask raising an eyebrow.     "I know, but I thought it must be him" he lowers his head sadly ", even if he was dead, I had a small hope that it was Jake...”     "And who was it?" I ask, continuing to read the book. I smile at the memory of Jack on Jake's lap, teaching him how to hack at a low level.    "He told me he was a friend of Jake's and that he wanted to talk to you" I look at him confused and he shrugs “, I told him why he didn't go directly to talk to you, but his words were that it had to be me. I guess so we can meet again.”      I quickly write the number in the add contact area and shortly after a chat appeared. In it on behalf of Henry appeared. He made me look at my rabbit somewhat confused. It was very rare that he was named after my little boy. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Macie Hello? They told me that you want to talk to me… What you was Jake’s friend? But if you're lying, I'm going to sue you for harassment
-----Henry has connected-----
Henry No! 😨 I’m not lying! I'm a friend of Jake's!
Macie Do you mean 'was'?
Henry That is I wanted us to meet
Macie Because?
Henry Well You were his girlfriend And I would like to meet you
Macie Don’t know… I’m not sure it’s a good idea
Henry Please I just want to meet someone who was close to him I haven't seen him in years and I need to talk to someone At least to remember good times ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I bite my lip, a little confused. I don't know whether to accept. Even though I hadn't gotten over Jake, at least I was doing well in life, not feeling that death wish like I had at first. I sigh and go back to writing. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Macie Okay So tell me where to meet and I’ll go
Henry Brilliant!! 😆 [Link] I leave you the address of how to get to my house I’ll be waiting Oh! But if I'm not home, there's a spare key hidden in a hole in the door frame. The trick is to press a false screw on the left side 😉
Macie Okay Well… See you Henry
Henry See you soon Macie! 
-----Henry has disconnected----- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I put my phone down on the coffee table and see Jack waiting for my answer.     “What did he say?” He asks impatiently.     “He wants us to meet now.”     “You are going to go alone?”      I nervously pick up the phone again and look at the address. He is in another city. No, wait, I recognize the name, I've been there. It's the first place I hid with Jake. The heart begins to beat rapidly. It couldn't be a simple coincidence that his friend lives there, maybe he told him. Maybe Jake wanted us to meet? And he arranged everything so that years later, Henry would contact me in case he was still alive.     "I have to go" I answer with a sigh ". I want to meet Jake's friend, I want to know his past before running away for so many years."      I get up from the sofa and together with Henry, I go looking for his carrier. He can't stay alone, I have to take him to my parents.    "Do you want us to take you?" Jack asks me, anxious about what's happening.     "Well, he hasn't told me you can't come" I answer, closing the door on my little boy “. Okay, let your father take us, but first let me talk to Henry, I want to check if he's telling the truth.”     “Of course! I’m going to tell him!”      He runs out of my apartment as if it were her house. I let out a laugh watching him leave. I would probably get angry before, but I think that over the years I have learned to be kinder to children. And that he is someone I accept after living together for a while.
When I get to my parents' house and explain what has happened, they look at me worried. I understand, I’m also afraid of what may happen.     "Are you sure you want to go?" asks my mother, looking at me a little fearful ‘After all you've suffered, I don't know if it's a good idea for you to go.”     "I know, but I have to" I pulls out Henry of the carrier and caresses it before setting it down ", I need to meet him."     “You are going to go alone?” My father crosses his arms, arching an eyebrow.     "No, I'm going with a friend and his son" I swallow saliva and finally confess “. It's Jack, he's the one who came to see me.”      They look surprised and a little speechless. I told them all about Jack and how our days with him were. My mother was quite surprised when she heard that I was taking care of a child who was not part of my family. My father just laughed at me. For him it was as if karma had given it back to me.     "Well, I'm leaving" I smile nervously ", wish me luck."     “Good luck, Mac.” My dad hugs me tight.      Then my mom hugs me too, along with a kiss on the cheek.     “I hope you like what you hear from him.”     “I sure do.” I nod with a smile.      I say goodbye again and leave the house. I’m nervous.
On the way, I wanted to talk to Jack's father. I wanted to know what kind of person he was and I didn’t disappoint. It was clear that he was a good man. His wife was working. It was supposed to be her day off, but her boss made her go. I pity her.     “Jack told us” oh God…I didn't tell him I didn't like having him with us at first “that he called you and Jake Daddy and Mommy.”     "Oh! Yeah, well…” I clear my throat, remembering those moments “He needed some father figures so…”     “I’m sure you would be a great mother.’     &lt;<Let me think about it, I still can’t even change a diaper for Stephan and Jessy’s baby.>>     “Yeah, they were the best, they never left me with anything I didn't need.” Jack says, turning to look at me with a smile.      I return it happy to hear him. He takes out his phone and I see that the little doll he had as a child is hanging on it. He has kept it all these years. I thought it was going to be a sad day with his arrival, but it only brings back good memories.
We reach the flats and I get out of the car. Before going up, I turn to warn them.     “I’ll text you if I need help.” I tell the man, whose name I now knew to be Edmund.     "I'll be there in a second." he replies with a nod.     "And I'll let you know if everything goes well.” I tell Jack.     “Let’s hope so.” he replies nervously.      I ruffle his hair and finally step away from the car.
I go up the building arriving at the indicated apartment. He had sent it to me during the car ride. He had forgotten and I too because of my nerves. I knock on the door and wait. By not opening, I suppose it should not be. I reach for that fake screw and a little drawer opens. Inside is exactly one key. I open the door and as soon as I enter, three cats come running towards me. One was completely gray, another was gray with black stripes, and the other was also gray but with a white face, stomach, and feet.     “Hi.” I say as I crouch down, petting them. I look at their necklaces and read them.      Their names are: Ludo, Jen and Gizmo. Names from fantasy movie creatures. Henry must like it. I get up and start looking at the floor. Now it seems smaller with more furniture than before. I look forward to playing with the cats. They are quite affectionate. I finally hear the door open. At last.     “I used the key that-“ I stop talking as soon as I see him.      I’m not going to deny that he is older, because I’m too, but when I see him, everything inside me is revolutionized. My tears come out on their own when I see Jake. Although he had a burn on his face and neck, that he wore an eyepatch, perhaps because of the injury, it didn't mean that I still saw him as the most attractive man in the universe.     "What are you doing-" Jake, who had been staring at me in fear, stops talking as I jump towards him.      He catches me leaving the shopping bags on the floor and I kiss him. I can't stop laughing and crying, stroking his hair, loving him again as mine. When I pull away to catch my breath, I lower his arms and caress his face gently.     “Jake!” I exclaim full of happiness “You’re alive! Are you alive!”      He looks at me still frozen despite the fact that a few seconds later he has kissed me passionately. He brings his hand to my face as well and caresses me slowly.     "Wait, am I not dreaming?" he asks surprised “are you really here?’     “Yes” I nod and kiss him again “, I'm really here and you… Jake… I'm so glad you're alive!”      I hug him and he stays with open arms, not knowing what to do.     "Do not... Do not I disgust you?" he asks me confused.     “Why do you ask me that?” I look at his face, observing everything carefully.      His burns are years old and it is when I notice by the touch of his hand that is the same. I turn my face and kiss it. Then I look at him again.     “You're the same attractive man I fell in love with.’      It is at this moment that I see him collapse.
Jake cries and drops to his knees, holding me tight. I fondly caress his black hair, shorter now.     “I have missed you so much, Macie” he says between sobs “. You do not know how much. But I was afraid that you would be disgusted or repulsed if you saw me, I did not want to hurt you anymore. Forgive me.”      I smile fondly continuing to stroke his hair. Jake stands up and lets out a small laugh.     “But… you are here… it is you…”     "Jake, I fell in love for who you are, you didn't have to hide from me," I say a little hurt, but I understand myself. I'm sure he didn't have the support he needed during the days he were in the hospital to think that way.”. They never told me you were alive, they confirmed that you were dead.”     "I pretended the accident made me lose my memory" he shrugs awkwardly “, I did not like doing it, but I had no choice, if I wanted to be left alone” he runs his hand through my hair, playing with a lock of hair ‘. Later, I looked for help, I got my old job back, but… I did not… dare to go back to look for you. I thought Andrew would be with you by now.”     “Andrew? I didn’t see him after the accident.”     “I see…” I see that he lowers his face in embarrassment.     “Has he told you something?”      He denies with the head.     '‘No, I just thought that… that since he was interested as you said-“      I placed a finger on his lips to silence him and hugged him.     "You never left my head, you were always present at every minute, second, hour, day, month, year" I look up and smile at him “, I even tried to turn the page, but I couldn't, you are irreplaceable Jake, without you I don't have a life.”     I see how he looks at me. I can still see the love he has for me. He kisses me more passionately, bringing his hands to my shirt.     “Wait.” I stop him nervously.     “Of course I…” he separates herself a little, sadly “I guess you’re not ready because…”     “No, it’s just that Jack is waiting outside.”      He blinks even more surprised. I let out a laugh, happy.     “I do not think he wants to see me like this...”     "Jake, everyone who loves and appreciates you would want to see you in anyway" I take his hands and caress them lovingly. My smile is so wide and full of happiness still to see him alive ", It doesn't matter how you look right now, the important thing is that you're alive and... maybe now you feel something for pirates."      I see him roll his eye and I giggle.     “There is no denying it” he says softly “you are still my angel.”      I shudder when I hear that affectionate nickname. I wanted to hear it again.     “Let us go see Jack.” He offers his hand and I take it.      Leaving the apartment, then I remember. I take out the key and show it to him.     “Your friend Henry told me where to find the spare key.” I tell him with a smile.      Jake looks at it and closes my hand along with the key. And he smiles at me. A smile that I missed.     "Keep it, you will need it more than I do."      I can’t describe the feeling I had when he told me. The heat wave after so many years off returned very intense. I grabbed his arm and together we went down the stairs.     “Is our plan to marry still on?” I ask jokingly.      But his answer surprises me.     “If you want to, we can go to court right now.”      I can't help but let out the dumbest laugh in love that I could let go.
But I admit it: There is no other man in this world with whom I want to be forever united. 
With Jake.
~The end~
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fish-bowl-2 · 8 months
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Hiya! B F I M P R (:
hiii >:3
B. Any of your stories inspired by personal experience? A LOT lol. I am super super guilty of projecting with these guys. I do it with a lot of my writing though, both fan work and original. I think it is kind of unavoidable. To give a specific example, in YKISBLS, the whole section where Edd starts to blame himself for making Eddy upset with him, and this snowballs into him feeling like he's ruined their friendship, is based off of very similar situations I've experienced when I was around the same age. Social interaction, even among friends, was really difficult for me, and I regularly pointed fingers at myself for being the problem even if it was not necessarily the case. I was one of those annoying kids who would ask my friends "do you hate me? Ok, but what are things you don't like about me so I can fix them." I don't think it is far-fetched to think Edd would be guilty of this as well.
F. Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.
Edd came to a sputtering halt as he considered the statement. “I couldn’t do that. It would be so rude.” He said. “Besides, I mean, you called me a pussy.” the last word fell off in an inaudible whisper.
“So?”
“So, I don’t think anyone appreciates being called that!” 
“You’re such a drama queen.” 
“Whatever, this is not about that. This is about you forcing me, yet again, to come to the rescue when you can’t do something yourself. You’re always doing that to me and Ed.”
“I do not,” said Eddy. 
“You do too! You drag us into things all the time and then refuse to take accountability.”
“Would you drop it? I’m trying to watch.” 
“There you go again! You never want to talk about it.” 
“‘Cause you’re so annoying about everything!” 
Edd flinched at the term, speaking through gritted teeth. “I am not!” 
“Yeah you are.” 
“You’re just saying that because you know I’m right.” 
“See, that’s what I mean,” Eddy pointed defiantly, “acting all ‘high and mighty’ about everything. You do that all the time now and it’s so annoying! Can’t you just go back to being good at shutting up?” 
Edd stared motionless, arms crossed tightly. Eddy glared back, daring him to go on another exhaustive speech. Edd knew he was waiting, and he hated that even more.
“Fine. So I guess I’m annoying now, according to you.” 
--
I really like how I structured the back and forth here. I always worry about striking a balance between dialogue and description in my writing, and I think this displayed it in a really natural and easy-to-digest way. Also, if I may be self-indulgent, I like how the whole conflict being expressed comes from both directions. Edd (rightfully) is upset with Eddy for deflecting and going too far in teasing him. Meanwhile, Eddy is (rightfully) upset with Edd for not reading the room. I had fun touching on Edd's discomfort with being called "annoying". Much to unpack.
I. Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)? Bad explicit smut is kind of funny to read. 🙏
M. Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share? A few! I'll avoid going in too much detail (for the sake of keeping my motivation to start them), but I have one idea for a fic involving Edd and his parents, and another taking place in high school with the Eds at a town carnival. Those are at least the ones I have the clearest ideas for.
P. Are you what George R. R. Martin would call an “architect” or a “gardener”? (How much do you plan in advance, versus letting the story unfold as you go?) I guess I would be more of an "architect", in the sense that I need to have the beginning, middle, end, and all the details planned out before I start writing. I usually make a bullet-point outline for each event I want to happen and the details I wish to express before starting a story. I don't always do this with quick, shorter things, but for the longer stories with lots of details and elements to read into, it just makes things so much easier. I feel less guilty about potentially forgetting something. In the process of building these outlines though, I do think there is an element of a "gardener". When I am stumped on a specific plot-element or missing detail, I try not to stress about it, and instead find ways to let it to naturally "take bloom". Sometimes this means I have to wait a while, but I think it is worth it in the end when I get something that I never expected. Granted, sometimes you just have to "pull it out" in order to realize what needs to be done.
R. Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence? Man, I honestly think I pull a little bit out of everyone's whose work I enjoy >_< Specifically for EEnE, with a fandom as intimate as this one, I think it is somewhat difficult NOT to be inspired by those around you. Off the top of my head: I'd say your work, as well as those done by @eddbedandeddy, @doubledyke, @mysticbeaver, @bookworm116, as well as @gettingfrilly and @vhvrs most recently, are on my mind a lot. Actual books, films, and music influence me a lot too. I always pull little elements and bits of things I like and try to implement it in what I do.
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