#I didn’t learn to implement social masking until way later

[foldingfittedsheets]

I think something a lot of other people can relate to is the way that you get so conditioned to discomfort that you stop registering it.

I remember sitting at the table with my family, eating dinner as a child. I’d try to eat, because of course I was hungry. But sometimes the flavor or texture was so repugnant that it moved into a category of Not Food.

“Two more bites before you can leave the table.”

“I can’t,” I’d say, trying to explain the impossibility.

But because I was a child they heard, “I won’t,” and made me sit at the table. I’d sit in dull agonized silence, bored and hungry for hours until bedtime when they’d give up. I’d hate myself for not eating and my parents for forcing me to sit there. The few forcefeeding moments ended in vomit.

They’d say, “If you don’t eat this you can’t eat a snack later,” and I moved past trying to communicate my discomfort into accepting that I’d just be hungry.

That state of affairs didn’t last, because my parents realized nothing could force me to eat so they catered to my palate, worrying they’d starve me. But the message stuck. If you can’t do anything about a situation, just accept the suffering.

A few years later my mother called me off the playground to ask, “Are you limping?”

I shrugged. My feet had hurt for a long time, but that was just the way things were now. My mom pulled my socks and shoes off and gasped. The soles of my feet were covered in huge painful planters warts.

“Why didn’t you say anything?!” She demanded but I could only shrug at her. I’d learned a long time ago that saying things about my discomfort didn’t matter, so now I had no words. Sometimes things hurt and sometimes they don’t. I simply accepted and did my best.

Now as an adult trying to learn to improve my own conditions can be hard. If I make food that I can’t eat I’ll force myself to sit at the counter still, full of guilt and self loathing, trying to will myself to eat it.

At first I needed my betrothed to gently take it away to present me with something I could eat. Now on my own I can usually admit that it’s not happening before too long and get something else, but I still feel guilty.

Laying in bed at night waiting for my betrothed to finish getting ready I let out a huge sigh of relief when they turned the lights off.

“Why didn’t you turn them off if they bothered you?” they asked the first time it happened.

“I didn’t even know it was bothering me until it was gone.”

Assessing my physical state now to see if I can improve it is something I’m still relearning but I’m relieved to finally have the space and support to do it.

#ramblies #autism #as an afab kid I didn’t get diagnosed but given my poor social skills and general vibes it’s astonishing I wasn’t #I didn’t learn to implement social masking until way later #also those warts too months to get rid of cause they were too big to burn off #they had to be scraped down slowly after baths

[oursustainablefuture]

What A Year As A Small Business Owner Taught Me About Sustainability, Upcycling, Thrifting, and Running a Brand

Written By Campbell Fauber for Our Sustainable Future 

In Summer 2019, I launched the first collection of my sustainable clothing brand, Dauntless Denim,  curious to see how people would respond. While I did not focus on creating an array of clothes, I decided to focus on thrifting and upcycling denim jackets, which was something I had never tried before. In short, thrifting and upcycling are two specific ways we, as consumers, can keep our planet cleaner. This process was exciting but challenging, and I definitely learned a lot. Here are some important things I learned along the way. 

1. If You Can Upcycle, Do It! 

Upcycling is a way consumers can reuse something they own by transforming it into something new and unique. In my own life, I began thinking of ways I could practice sustainability, which involved trying on a more personal level to keep myself from getting rid of clothes I didn’t wear anymore. I decided to upcycle thrifted denim jackets that I found at a local secondhand shop. I gave the jackets a new life by sewing on colorful fabrics that were bold and eye-catching. Upcycling is a great way to make something new out of what you already own and encourages creativity and self-expression. Upcycling is also environmentally-friendly because it helps reduce what goes into a landfill, such as clothes. With all of this in mind, I encourage you to find a piece of old clothing in your closet (or even something laying around your house) and consider upcycling it or, rather, transforming it into something completely new and reimagined. 

2. When In Doubt, Thrift. 

Before I started Dauntless Denim, I had gone to Goodwill a few times to look for some old clothes I could wear again. However, it wasn’t until I officially started my business that I had truly learned how great thrifting was for the environment. I found a local secondhand shop near my house and decided to stop in and see what it was like inside. There were organized racks of clothes of all kinds (e.g. sizes, colors, brands). It was incredible to see so many items ranging from men’s to women’s to kids that were for sale. Immediately, I headed to the denim section and soon discovered a rack of old denim jackets that I could use for my first denim jacket launch. I picked out a few pieces, which were way cheaper than the original price (a perk of thrifting!), and left the store feeling happy and accomplished. All in all, I encourage you to thrift whenever possible. Not only does thrifting help reduce clothing waste, it also helps support your community and establishes your new sense of style. You can also (often) find high-quality clothes for extremely low prices, which is a win-win! Lastly, thrifting is a better option than shopping at fast fashion brands. Consider thrifting at your local secondhand shop for some fresh clothing finds. 

3. You Can’t Be 100% Sustainable, But You Can Try And Do Your Part

Another thing I learned about owning a sustainable small business is that not everything you do is going to be 100% sustainable. Like many other companies and brands, there is never going to be a way to be fully eco-friendly, whether it be in supply chain or production practices. In other words, there is still going to be waste of some kind and the environment will still be impacted in some way, shape, or form. However, what helped me in the early stages of planning my business was that if I can try and do my part for the environment (in my case, it was upcycling denim jackets in order to keep them out of landfills), I could feel lile I am doing what I can to help keep the environment a little bit cleaner. I also realized that even if I do my part in trying to help the planet, I am not capable of impacting the environment in such a large way that the climate change crisis is magically solved. Knowing this, though, I still feel like I need to do my part, even in a small way, to keep my community cleaner and more educated about sustainable practices, including upcycling and thrifting.

4. Cultivating Your Own Ideas & A Brand Takes A Lot of Brainstorming

Something else that I had to take into consideration when I pondered whether or not I wanted to start my own business was what my brand was going to be centered around and what types of ideas I had that would help distinguish me from other brands. I began brainstorming what I envisioned my brand to look like. What was I passionate about? What was feasible and within my skill set? What did I want to potentially sell? All of these questions were top of mind when I first started to wonder what I was going to do with my business. Then, I began trying to think of ways I could create a unique brand that was unlike others I had seen before. That’s when I decided to take the route of sustainability and upcpcycling, which was honestly something that I had been thinking on and off about earlier. Upcycling was also something that had crossed my mind a few times, but I had never really sat down and thought about how I would implement it into my business model. The moral of the story is to not be afraid of starting your own business! The entire process is exciting and motivating. However, it is important to keep in mind that it does take a lot of time and effort to create a brand that is equally unique and feasible. Make sure you are passionate about what you’re doing and don’t be afraid to think outside the box and get outside your comfort zone a little bit. 

5. Social Media Marketing Taught Me More Than Just Marketing!

For me, creating a sustainable brand, and a business in general, meant that I had to spend a lot of time brainstorming and researching the different ways I could effectively create products and also engage with consumers and my community. For example, I had to practically teach myself how to do social media marketing and use Etsy as a platform to sell my products. While this was indeed time consuming, I learned a lot about myself throughout the process. First, I learned that I have to always stay on top of trends in order to sell products (mainly denim jackets and later on, masks) that would catch the eye of the consumer and be relevant enough to do well among similar products. Secondly, I learned that when using platforms such as Instagram to show off my designs, I have to be deliberate in terms of what I post, when I do it, and what I choose to write about in my captions. The more time I spent on social media, the more I learned the ins and outs of digital marketing and the ways I could target consumers. Thirdly, I learned that I have to be patient during this process. Many times since I started my brand, I got too frustrated with myself when something didn’t go right. I immediately wanted to give up and I began questioning what I was doing and if being a business owner was even the right path for me. However, once I took a step back and learned to not put so much pressure on myself for things that didn’t necessarily go right the first time, I could approach each and every situation with more understanding and more clarity. As a result, this helped me market my products better on social media and reach a larger audience that really felt connected to my brand and what I was selling. Looking back on my experiences, I wouldn’t trade being a small business owner for the world.

Interested in learning more about Campbell’s brand? Follow her Instagram @dauntlessdenim to stay updated on her newest releases & her Etsy @shopdauntlessdenim. Also, check out her most recent mask releases as well as the one-of-a-kind upcycled jackets and skirts that are still available for purchase on her Etsy Shop. 

#articles #our sustainable future #writing #sustainability #eco friendly #upcycling #fashion #design #sewing #small business #small business owner #thrifting #sustainable fashion #sustainableliving #social media marketing #study #stuyblr #journalism

[anonsally]

Transitions

As much as I had looked forward to the relaxing of pandemic restrictions as vaccination coverage increases (it is pretty high in my county, with over 70% of the population aged 12+ fully vaccinated, and an additional 12% who’ve had only one dose of a 2-dose vaccine), it’s a bumpy road, and of course now with the variants and the number of cases increasing, there’s additional anxiety.

We are back to dancing in the studio (albeit with masks, open windows, and slightly limited capacity), which has been great. It feels like a real return to normalcy and a reunion, with joyful hugs and getting to dance together and be in the same space. I am getting to see people I didn’t see during the pandemic, and reconnecting with some loose ties I had missed. It is absolutely feeding my soul.

However, the return to the office is a different story. From March 2020 until a couple of months ago, I was very eager to return to the office as soon as it was safe to do so. I have adjusted to working from home, and can acknowledge that there are some advantages, but I prefer having a better boundary between work and the rest of my life. Most importantly, though, the social aspect of working in the office is something I miss very badly. I feel isolated at home. My life has shrunk more than I want it to. As a shy extrovert, I need more social interaction than I have been getting, but I am not very good at actively seeking it out/making it happen; having friends I saw at work every day used to be an important part of my social life. Furthermore, working on campus gave me a sense of being part of a larger community, a sense that is hard to maintain when working in my own living room. 

However, when the dates for returning to the office were finally announced, I was blindsided by learning that my work friends were not in a hurry to return to the office--even the one whose kids (who are old enough to know better) didn’t hesitate to interrupt her while she was giving a virtual seminar lecture. In fact, my work best friend said she wasn’t sure she would be coming back to work on campus at all. She pointed out all the advantages for her of working from home. She is an outgoing introvert, so she used to socialise a lot at work, but apparently it felt like a burden. She concentrates better at home and likes that she doesn’t have to waste any time getting to and from the office (though her commute was only about 10 minutes by bike). 

I suddenly realised that returning to the office will not be what I had assumed it would be and had looked forward to. There were repeated conversations about it over our group text, most of which consisted of me pointing out the advantages of working in the office and Work Best Friend pointing out the disadvantages. I thought I communicated pretty clearly that seeing these friends was one of the main reasons I had been looking forward to going back to the office, and that I would really miss them.  

It’s already a month since I had the option to return to the office, and I still hadn’t done it because there didn’t seem to be much point in going back if I was the only one. I’m not good at transitions, and the uncertainty and anxiety was starting to get to me; so I figured I should just do it and at least get rid of the uncertainty, which would presumably reduce my anxiety.

So I brought my desktop computer (with 2 monitors, mouse, keyboard, and all the cables) back into the office on Monday. But... it was really depressing. The building was a ghost town. I could practically see the tumbleweeds rolling past. It was exactly what I had feared. I saw only 3 people, one of whom has the desk next to mine--I was glad to see her, but she told me she will be working remotely a lot of the time (and she works much earlier hours than I do so there isn’t much overlap in our day). Work Best Friend kept sending texts about the possibly inadequate covid-safety protocols and policies, which increased my anxiety about a transition I was already struggling with, and I ended up crying while doing my grocery shopping on the way home. Bizarrely, she then texted a little while later saying something like “Are you excited to be back in the office? (I can be happy for you even if it isn’t what I want for myself!)” So... apparently I had not really communicated to her how devastated I’d been by her resistance to returning to the office, and by the emptiness of the office that day. We cleared it up that evening, but... I was still really down.

Tuesday I didn’t even go back in--I had an appointment and a meeting (and I needed to be home for the virtual meeting), and then spent the rest of the afternoon getting through some emails and reading, so I didn’t need my work computer. 

Wednesday, I brought my office chair back in, and luckily, the office wasn’t so deserted. There were several more people in, including one of our new faculty hires, and I got some social interaction in the office. Thursday, I had lunch with the two aforementioned coworkers (Work Best Friend and the one whose kids interrupt her at home all the time), and the latter came into the office to transfer her things from her desk (which was opposite mine) to her new office down the hall. [She’s been promoted to a faculty job title that entitles her to an office with a door that closes, as opposed to the open floor plan workspaces the non-faculty academic employees like me get. I’m happy for her, though of course a bit sad that she’ll be further away from me.] Again, there were more people working on site. 

Friday, there were only a few of us--I think a lot of people will work from home on Mondays and Fridays maybe--but I still feel reassured by how the office felt on Wednesday and Thursday. Several people who were there commented on being glad to be back, and also, more people will definitely be around once the semester starts.

On the other hand, one floor of the next building over is currently having a covid-19 outbreak (8 cases reported in just 3 days), so I am a little anxious that we shouldn’t be back yet. Campus is implementing a vaccine mandate (people can apply for medical or religious exemptions, but then they will have to be tested every week), but not until the 4th of August. I think over 70% of employees have provided proof of vaccination, and it’s possible that some of the others are actually vaccinated but haven’t documented it yet, or that most of the unvaccinated people are working remotely, but... it’s still a little scary.

tl;dr: Transitions are hard, even when you want the change.

#personal #epidemiology #dance #work-life balance #etc. #tl;dr

[nad-zeta]

Matchup Request ^_^

rsI have no idea how this submission thingy works but hey! Gonna give it a try. XD If you’re closed no worries, been enjoying the ones you’ve made! They’ve made me smile when I wasn’t sure I had one. Before I lose my nerve for the fifth time... I’m an extroverted introvert, can fake it and even enjoy large groups for a short time but it’s hard-wearing that mask for long. Love detailed talks about mutual passions and figuring out why things or people work the way they do. INFJ, adventures are ftw. Empathetic and easily emotional, but I’ll try to hide it if at all possible. Tend to take people at their word, learning to trust my gut when something seems off. Learned to play the cute card cause everyone assumes I’m ten years younger than I am (26) and make them smile, whatever I’m feeling. Realistic optimist, nothing lasts forever but I’ll do everything in my ability to help make things better for those I care about.

Awww thanx so much for the request @briars7​ ! I���m so happy I could brighten your day in some way! I hope you enjoy the matchup and have a super good day! 

So, I match you with……………………. Mitsuhide

So, you were by no means a shy quiet person when you first started working at Azuchi castle, however, you did take a few days to yourself to watch. To watch the castle and its people, to determine the roles and duties of each person. To watch the workings and how their role did or didn’t contribute. One particular person caught your eye. Mitsuhide. He was a mystery, a riddle wrapped in itself. By watching you could tell that he worked from the shadows, he was an information gatherer, and he would get the information he needed by any means necessary. You also saw the big bad wold façade he put up. How he would purposefully start rumors to make himself guilty of some fake crime, just so he could gain the trust of the enemies, too, later on, reveal his true loyalties to the Oda forces and extinguish the threat. It was funny you could always see the exact moment he spread the rumor to one of the more chatty maids and how she would make sure it trickled its way through the grapevine. In some strange way, you thought him a guardian angel. Working behind the scenes protecting all those from danger unknown to them. Oh, and trust me when I say as much as you watched Mitsuhide, Mitsuhide watched you. He watched you as you watched the people, he watched you chart down everyone’s roles, and boy did he love to watch the ways your eyes lit up when you had finally figured out how something work or figured a particularly tricky person *cough Hideyoshi cough*. He still low key thought you might be a threat no matter how cute and small you looked. That was, of course, until you started implementing what you had learned to improve the runnings of the castle. Mitsuhide couldn’t help but admire how smooth everything had been running since you implemented all your little changes. He finally understood why you were watching and making notes. You were definitely an amusing little mouse and having you around was going to be a ton of fun

You worked hard for the castle and its people, and this gained a lot of trust among all the warlord. You in your time here had become particularly fond of Mitsuhide and the little playful chats the two of you would engage in. You couldn’t help but come to like his mischievous smile and look in his eyes whenever he would tease you. And this sneki boi didn’t think he would love the fact that someone was constantly on his side backing him up, that is until you came along. Your weeks of watching allowed you to have both an outside and inside perspective of everyone here. Mitsuhide certainly loved it when you would scold the castle mother himself whenever he would start accusing Mitsu of being a traitor. You would always look Hideyoshi straight in the eyes, and truth bomb him. Like if your gut trusts the sneki boi than you trust the sneki boi. Although lately, it seems your gut might be a bit faulty, especially when it comes to Mitsuhide. Cause it’s your very gut that gets filled with thousands of butterflies whenever the golden orbs of the Kitsune stare at you. 

When Mitsu heard the little mouse liked going on adventures, he started taking you along with him on missions. Even though most of the trip consisted of him working. But when he wasn’t working, and the two of you spent time together, it was bliss. He would take you to different markets and tell you all about the local products. He would take you to hot springs to relax and unwind after a hard week’s work. The two of you would eat dinner together every night and thereafter, take a walk around, take in the sights and let the food digest. He would always tease you by calling you “little one” or “little girl” until one day you challenged him on it, “why is it that you keep calling me little girl when I most definitely am not one.” “Because my dear you are the smallest cutest little girl I’ve ever laid my eyes on.” you narrowed your eyes and replied, “you know I’m 26 right.” Cue Mitsuhide actually being hella shocked for the first time. He thought you to be at least be 19. The shook expression on his face was enough to send you into a fit of laughter. Once he regained his composure, all he could do to soothe his own embarrassment was pat your head and say, “well then little one it seems you naivety and innocence has kept you young at heart”. All you could do was beam up at him, grab his hand, and continue on your walk. The two of you had low key fallen in love somewhere on your many trips away together, although none of you was brave enough to say anything.

On one of your adventures, the two of you were kidnaped and thrown into the dungeon to await death. Mitsuhide looked over at you expecting a frighten little mouse; instead, he was pleasantly surprised to see you were not freaking out but rather thinking of ways to escape. ‘Little mouse aren’t you even in the slightest afraid of the fate which awaits us outside of these cell doors.” You just grinned at him; you knew this sneaky Kitsune must have some or other rescue plan, and even if he didn’t, you remained optimistic. You actually came up with a pretty good plan yourself and told him to be ready to fight at your signal. Mitsu was intrigued and excited to see what kind of plan your sweet innocent mind came up with to free the two of you. When the guard with your cell key walked past your cell, it was time to put your plan in action. You played your cutesy damsel in distress card, which to both your and Mitsu’s surprise worked. He opened the cell door to let only you free when u signaled Mitsu to knock him out. Just as the two of you were running out the dungeon hand in hand, Mitsu couldn’t help but whisper how much he loved you under his breath. Of course, you heard him, and when you were safe and sound you returned the feelings and started your relationship off with the sweetest kiss

There was a banquet on your return to celebrate your daring escape. You chatted with everyone and was having a really good time. Although halfway through the evening, you started to get a bit tired, your social mask was busy slipping a bit. This, of

course, didn’t go unknown by the sneaky Kitsune. He waved you over to come and pour for him providing you with the perfect opportunity to fully drop your mask and just relax. He was like your safe haven. He pulled you down to sit right beside him as he poured you some sake and gave you a plate of food to eat, cause he had noticed that you were so busy socializing you didn’t even have the time to eat. You loved just sitting with him, chatting about everything and anything. You loved that you could have deep, detailed conversations with him. You most definitely loved the way he would hold your hand and gently massage soothing circle on the top of it while attentively listing to your every word. Sometimes you would drink a lil too much cause let be real no one can keep up with Mitsu when it comes to alcohol. You would just lean your head into the crook of his neck and fall asleep the gentle way he would be pulling his fingers through your hair.

This boi loves your empathetic and emotional side! And boy does he love to tease you. Sometimes his teases might go a little too far, and you get a bit emotional, which naturally you try to hide. But honestly, you could never hide your true emotions from this sneki boi, or did you forget. “I can read your every thought little mouse, so what’s the use in hiding them from me.” During these times, he will talk to you in his most gentle sweet voice, coaxing you to tell him everything and anything that could be bothering you. He would just hug you tightly, hanging on to your every word while gently stonking your hair. It was always strange how the next day, the problem seemed to just disappear. Weird.

The two of you could often be found on some fun adventure/mission or cuddled up together. Mostly with you in his lap, your head in the crook of his neck, while he gently plays with your hair while the two of you just talk for hours.

Other potential matches………………….Nobunaga

Thanx so much for the request! I hope you enjoyed it and I truly hope you are staying safe and well during this time!<3

#akechi mitsuhide #mitsuhide akechi #ikesen mitsuhide #ikesen matchup #matchups #match ups #mitsuhide matchup #ikesen match up #submission

[creativity-is-rebellion]

Some Things are Not Dialectic

So much has happened to me since I last wrote on this blog. To sum it up in a nutshell: I changed therapists (something I have been meaning to do for a while now), I was hospitalised yet again for just a little over a week this time, voluntarily, for recurrent suicidal thoughts, where I was tentatively diagnosed (yet again) with BPD, and the new therapist I started seeing after coming out of the hospital diagnosed me with Asperger’s. I also started a DBT program, which I am now six weeks into. Previous therapists, if you have read any of my other posts, have diagnosed me with Bipolar I, but after only two sessions with the psychiatrist at the hospital, and in the wake of him talking, at length, with my husband about my history, I was informed that I probably have Bipolar II and BPD. My regular psychiatrist disagrees with this and stated that it is probably complex trauma (or C-PTSD) and Bipolar I. I am inclined to trust the diagnosis of the latter more, as I have been seeing her for two years now. And now I also have an Asperger’s diagnosis from my new psychologist. What a mess. After all these upheavals, I feel emotionally at sea.

I also decided to swap medications at the hospital (the Seroquel was not helping my insomnia and was making me gain a bit of weight) and finally gave Lithium, the supposed “gold standard” of Bipolar medication, a chance. And it made me terribly ill. I was so nauseous all the time that after 4 weeks of struggling along, I had to give it up. I even broke out in a rash, but no professionals, not even my GP, wanted to listen to my misgivings, so I just informed them all that I was coming off it. My psychiatrist respected my decision, but wants to put me on something else. I am reluctant, because I have tried all sorts of medication for extended periods of time, and there are always negative side-effects, or they don’t do what is intended. I was told in the hospital by the psychiatrist that Lithium would be ideal for someone like me who has ambitions, wants a career, and doesn’t want to sleep for 20 hours a day, so when I experienced intolerance, I felt so disappointed. I even spent some time blaming myself. I have found my overall experience with taking medications really draining and time-consuming. I feel as if I am trying, and even doing everything I should, but it’s just not paying off. One method that I have tried in the past on my hospital visit before this one was ECT, and I did find that somewhat effective, but the results were not long-lasting enough. And, after reading about the experiences of those who get regular sessions of ECT, I worry about the possible effects it would have on my long-term memory if I was to go down that route. If there were any negative side-effects within this vein, it would be incompatible with the way in which I want to live my life, including my career goals.

While I was in the hospital, I was referred to a centre that specialised in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). I have read about DBT previously, and wanted to try it out when I received a previous diagnosis of Borderline “tendencies” in Norway, however, as I lived in a small town, there were no DBT groups available nearby, and so my therapist gave me a booklet to read up on it on my own. I had also previously stumbled upon the therapist that founded DBT (Marsha Linehan) when I was studying my Bachelor of Psychology. She later admitted that she actually had been diagnosed with BPD herself, and so DBT was a hodge-podge of different therapies and western and eastern practices that had worked for her. I thought the refterral would take longer to process than it did, but it was processed more-or-less straight away after I came out of hospital. I attended the three commitment meetings and was successfully offered a place, and, after all that I had heard and read, was excited to begin. But six weeks in, I feel let down. 

Let me preface what I am about to say by stating that I think there is a lot of good methods to help tackle negative feelings that DBT offers, but a lot of the skills surrounding self-care are competencies I already possess (and so nothing new). There are also some aspects of DBT that are just not really relevant to me specifically, but that’s alright. If I look at it as more tools I can fill my emotional toolbox with, not everything is going to fit. I enjoy and aim for self-improvement, and this is what attracted me to DBT in the first place. On the other hand, I am an analytical person who enjoys testing concepts and seeing if there are any potential flaws in what I am learning, and the method of delivery of the current program I am in doesn’t seem to leave room or space for that. I am finding aspects of DBT condescending, basic, and invalidating. I don’t feel that my prior knowledge or skills are being acknowledged as strengths I am bringing to the table that I can build upon. It is almost as I, along with the rest of the group, am being treated as if I am clueless, and that the therapists and coaches involved in the DBT group sessions are the autocratic, absolute experts on everything we should be doing and what we are doing “wrong,” something that I feel is quite harsh given that most who suffer from BPD also have C-PTSD, or, conversely, that those with C-PTSD can often be misdiagnosed with BPD. After researching some more, I have found that I am not alone in these misgivings. 

I decided to share some of my criticisms just this morning with my individual coach. We met at a cafe near where I live, after I dropped the kids off at school. Towards the end of the session, she asked me directly if I ever felt she had invalidated me in our individual sessions. I decided to be honest and tell her that I had felt that. I have only just started acknowledging past trauma, some of which occurred years ago, to both myself and my therapists. It’s mostly because I feel that it is time to do so, because the thoughts and feelings were coming up more and more regularly, intrusively and involuntarily, to the point where I feel like I can’t ignore them anymore. Three weeks ago, I disclosed to my coach in an individual session about the trauma and sexual abuse I had experienced via school bullying. I told her that she had laughed briefly after I had told her about a boy who had pinched my bottom in front of the whole grade on a dare when I was was 13, and said I didn’t blame her, maybe she laughed out of surprise, but when I also told her that she had, in the same conversation, told me not to worry about “stupid school” (her exact words), she denied having said that to me at all, and got quite defensive. 

She even said that perhaps I had just “experienced it that way,” and just refused to acknowledge that she had said that at all. I felt so gaslighted,so triggered (my mother tried to gaslight me all the time) and am now unsure whether I will continue with DBT. I left really shaken up, which was tough as I had had a really rough week and had actually woken up in a good mood, and had to then work really hard to turn my thoughts back around again. Upon reflection, I think the coaches are badly trained and unprofessional. This might be what is making the delivery sub-par. Maybe it’s just yet another case of “you get what you pay for.” Now, the question is, do I continue, and just try to focus on implementing the skills, instead of worrying about my obvious personality clash with the therapists and coaches involved? Sigh.

Now, to address the Asperger’s diagnosis: I actually feel it is a good fit. She got in an expert who took me through the diagnostic criteria before giving me the diagnosis, and, for the first time in a long time, I felt validated. I have been doing a lot of reading since receiving my diagnosis, and have found a number of interesting facts about females with Asperger’s, such as they are more likely to be overlooked for diagnosis compared to that of boys, as they do not present with the same symptoms, and are often misdiagnosed with (interestingly) Bipolar, BPD, or even OCD, because it was (until recently) considered a diagnosis exclusively reserved for boys. They are overlooked because they tend to be great social mimics (as females generally are more socialised than men), which masks the symptoms and difficulties females with ASD face. I believe that one of the reasons for my life-long fascination with human behaviour (to the point that I decided to study it), is due to my desire to fit in, when I have always felt different. I have, as my husband has also observed, a number of special interests that I enjoy talking about at length in social settings, and often fail to pick up on the social cues of boredom in the individuals I am talking to. But, that’s alright. It is part of the diagnosis. I am working on it. I might not ever get there, but that is alright too. In my research on the subject, I found a delightful blog from Tania Marshall, as well as her book, entitled “I am Aspien Woman,” which discusses the unique struggles of females with Asperger’s. The blurb to the book states: “Have you ever wondered about a friend, a partner, a mother, sister or daughter? Wondered why she says she feels 'different'? Out of step with her peers, she may struggle keeping friends and a job, yet she has multiple degrees. Bright from early on, she may have singleminded focus, sprinkles of anxiety, sensory and social issues, be gifted in art, writing, science, research or singing. Maybe she is a woman on the Autism spectrum, with a unique constellation of super-abilities, strengths and challenges?” I relate to all of this. I was a precocious reader with an eidetic memory from an early age. I have multiple degrees, and am creative, but struggle in social situations. It’s who I am, and I accept it. When I told my GP, who also closely follows my mental health progress, that my current psychologist has diagnosed me with Asperger’s, she dismissively stated that “everybody is different - we are all on the spectrum” - to which I have to say - what a load of crap. There is different, and there is different. I have always been a person that marches to the beat of her own drum, sometimes to my detriment. But it’s just how I am.

So, what if I don’t have BPD, or Bipolar, but rather “just” Asperger’s? I am high-functioning, so I can understand that it took a long time to identify it, but, on the other hand, it feels as if going through all of the struggles I have been through could have been prevented if only I had had a therapist that was skilled enough to really listen to me, to pick up the signs, and to validate me. I am hoping I have that now with my current psychologist, and am looking forward to working together with her toward a brighter future where I can accept myself and also work on my issues in a safe space.

After years of not sharing my thoughts or being as assertive as I want to be, I have found that recently I have been coming out of my shell in this respect, and those around me aren’t liking it. Apart from the example above, on the day I was leaving the hospital, there were a series of delays concerning my release, that, when they all added up, frustrated me so much, I had to say something. I sometimes think that those in the so-called “caring” professions abuse their power. Whether it’s bad training, an authoritative personality, or other traits that are, in my opinion, not suited to these professions that are the cause, it is a dilemma which is vital to address. Of course, #notalltherapists. But, in my long-standing experience with mental health services, and as a psychology graduate myself, it is enough to cause concern. Too often, patients are discounted because of what’s wrong with them, dismissed because the health professional believes themselves to know better, or put into the “too hard” basket for so-called “difficult” behaviour. But what needs to be acknowledged is that the person that is standing in front of them is there because they are seeking help, and should be looked at as an individual, and not necessarily by the box the therapist wants to fit them into. More duty of care, more empathy, and more acknowledgement, is needed.

#mental health #mental disorder #mental illness #Mental illness recovery #mental health mindfulness #mindfulness #bpd #bpd things #therapy #dbt #dbt therapy #aspergers #biipolar #misdiagnosis #mental health blog #self care #gaslighting #trauma #cptsd #cptsdhealing #creativityisrebellion

[cyanpeacock]

Realtalk(tm): The Continued Brainprocessing of Fucky Shit

it’s a long one boys but they all are atm

like jinkies scoob i have been Avoiding So Much with les drogues. avoiding so much like, wow, shit, I Feel So Empty Around People Who Were In My Life. but yes, very necessary to dissociate from this shit for a period while i adjusted to the possibility of, oh, wait, this really is My Apartment? this... i can Live Here without being Disturbed or Attacked? still adjusting. but without les drogues this time.

im continually coming to terms with like... ok, so, i have been and sometimes still like... engage in emotionally and physically abusive behaviour towards my own body, and to other bodies around me? 

and also, i am coming to terms with, this does not strictly mean i am An Abuser Forever full stop (i.e. Bad Person, Irredeemable, Disgusting, Abhorrent, Should Be Euthanised, etc).

this is reflective of, emotional and physical abuse has been so normalised to me as a young individual, that i have been repeating patterns of behaviour i saw routinely growing up, not even understanding why that kind of behaviour is hurtful or how i could do stuff differently. and that kind of makes me go, oh shit. dude, what the hell? that’s... that’s actually, yeah, that’s one fucked up upbringing. it really Was that bad. 

even regarding like The Voices In My Head(tm), my reaction historically was just like, scream at them? yell at them? injure the body somehow until they shut up or it passes out? 

which, uh, oh. that’s totally what my mother did when i was displaying “unreasonable” or “irrational” emotions as a small thing. rejecting then snapping then shouting then smacking until i either ran away to cry alone and injure myself more (emotional abandonment; reenacting and normalizing physical punishment) or went very numb and quiet and compliant like a Good Child (dissociative reaction/freezing; fawning). 

now like i am aware of these structures and this history Right Now. but still frequently i do get into the old frame of mind where it’s like, “you’re being stupid. you’re overreacting. you’re being melodramatic. Other People Have It Worse. Just Don’t Think About It” which, yeah, that’s introjected from a number of adult figures in my life. very very unhelpful, but when you’re a kid, you’re looking to adults for structures to implement to help you navigate your own life. when those adults are emotionally unhealthy... Yeah. this happens.

and right now, i’m like, uh, what the hell? it’s not a dick measuring contest, you’re telling a kid in pain that they’re not allowed to express their pain?

like i’ve talked abt this before probably but it’s an incident that reminds me how fucked up the whole situation was and is. when my school found out i was self harming in like y7 (so like, 11-12yo), because i’d cut so far down my PE shorts didn’t cover the marks, my PE teacher legally had to get the school to call home. and like, i fucking Begged her, please don’t, a call home is gonna make things SO much worse for me. but ofc the law is the law especially when it comes to teaching, and the call home got made. and later that evening my mother bust into my room with NO warning and fucking screamed at me, “You Selfish Little Cow.” 

like i went numb as hell. i don’t really remember clearly what she said after that but it was a whole tirade. stuff about how i was a brat and going to get her in trouble with social services and how i was ruining the family (implicitly, her life) and causing trouble, and how i ought to Think About What I’d Done. i was thinking/feeling, oh my god, she’s beating me again. i’ve ruined everything for everyone again. this is all my fault. i’m responsible, i’m the one to blame, i should have hidden it better. i’m not allowed to talk. i’m not allowed to feel. i’m supposed to be Quiet and Good and Do School and Not Annoy Anyone and Behave. i’ve failed. i am a failure. I Am A Selfish Little Cow. 

i think i tried to commit after she left? but like, in that way where you’re so numb and out of it you can’t actually physically pull together the methods, despite the mind wanting No More. 

and like i’ve been going to visit the woman that DID THAT TO ME. smiling and telling her about my life while Really Fucking Avoiding Telling Her Any Details About My Life. hesitating in pain and then adding “xx” to the end of the text messages i felt like i was obliged to send her. trying to convince myself “she’s my mum, i’m not gonna get another one, i should call her, it’s not so bad, we can talk about... uh, talk about politics, or religion, or, uh, her dog, or my siblings...” COMPLETELY fucking avoiding the fact that, like. this is the Same Person who caused me all that pain, and i don’t feel safe or secure talking to her about important details of my life, or my emotions, or, well, me. i hide and go Nothing Is Wrong! :) I’m Doing Fine! :) 

and! it really does seem like she’s not, you know, as cruel as she was with me, with her other children, at least since after i ran away. but no amount of that can actually change MY memories of growing up with her? my more-or-less programmed Make Her Happy reaction to her physical body? i can’t just, you know, conveniently forget those Things that Hurt Me to engage with her for her happiness. because, well, Her Happiness is not My Happiness, although i was lead to believe that was so. and, when i’m Conveniently Forgetting those things (i.e. my emotions at the hands of an abusive relative), i’m not behaving with the proper regard for myself as a person, and by extension i’m missing pieces of how to properly engage with other people. 

i don’t wanna like, mask the in between spaces of utter dread and anxiety and total blankness with Everything Is Totally Fine. I Am Functioning. Yes I Did Well In School This Year. That’s All That Matters. What Have I Been Doing? Oh You Know. The Usual. (without ever saying what The Usual is, because, yeah, when i’m in that Mode, i don’t fucking know what i do at home! idk how i spend my time! My Function Is To Avoid Conflict). 

because, uh, yeah, academically, sure! i am functioning, sort of! bodily? uh, well, i’m SLOWLY learning how to properly feed myself, and sleep without chemicals, and stay clean, stuff like that. socially? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. okay, fuck. that’s the one i can’t... figure out, like, at all, on my own. how do i... where the fuck do I even start? i’m not even okay enough with Myself to navigate the social world without passing inappropriate judgement on potential peers. i see people who might, Might, be friends, and my brain goes POTENTIAL THREAT REGISTERED. SELF: SIGHTED. ACTION: HIDE. DO NOT APPROACH. FLEE IF CONTACT INITIATED. 

SO LIKE. my issue now is, i totally know that like... these patterns of behaviour are not My Fault, don’t make me Useless, Bad, Bratty etc, if i sit down and write about it, frowning on-and-off for hours. but, i can’t actually implement these regulatory thought processes in realtime quickly enough to... meet new people and enjoy it? on like, a social level? even on a professional level i have to wait for a good day, and switch off like, chunks of me to get the Task Completed. and uh, talking to friends isn’t a Task process, it’s supposed to be a Leisure process?

i’m quite capable of filling my time and navigating the world quietly, alone! there is a surprising amount i can find to do. but hypothetically i’d really like to, like, meet people, and not talk about “haha dude I’m so sick right now. let’s smoke another blunt,” because while it was... uh, reassuring? and i suppose fun? for a while? to meet other people dealing with life pain like that, that sort of thing gets really mutually toxic.

like, i’m in the process of quitting drugs altogether, and drugs tend to go hand in hand with that social space. daily use, even second-hand smoke, is not something i can be around any more. weed was great for ages, but now like, the drug basically told me “nah g i’m not for u any more”? - as in, it was not helping me any further, i could feel this, and i just... smashed the pipe i’d smoked out of since living in the YMCA, deleted my dealers’ numbers, and withdrew. goodbye ganja! I Keap The   B o m g   In My Mind Now

i was offered like, support from a local drug addiction charity? people fucking pushing me and pushing me to go there, actually. but like... i step outside the place and the ground is carpeted in fag ends. there are cheap booze shops like 5 minutes walk away. it felt like the kind of place where something heavy would come up in group, and i’d be with the people who peel away afterwards to chainsmoke, get a couple litres of cheap voddy, then somebody pulls out their second phone to get a baggie of the good shit once the booze hits? like it could easily just drag me back down. this is a thing i gotta discuss later, and more privately. that kind of group Not For Me.

i’d also like... started Really noticing the whole undercurrent of like, anger and judgement and denial and impermanence in the we’re-all-mentally-ill-here social spaces i used to hang out in? and i’m aware that i was participating in that too, and that while it was good to begin with and for a long time, it really isn’t good for me any more. actually tbh i go Completely Wack upon returning to those people and places now. which, fuck, like, if the person in question happens to be reading this, i’m very sorry. and yeah, sorry doesn’t cut it, because that must have been Fucking Alarming from your perspective, and i wouldn’t have done it if i’d been in my right mind, and i wasn’t in my right mind, and currently can’t be around so many triggers, and yeah your lifestyle being triggering to me is NOT your fault at all, which is why all i can really do is a disappearing act. cuz there’s no conversation that can even make a goodbye feel right, fucker that this situation is. rip. 

so yeah uh. my issue now, is Establishing Trust and Healthy Social Connections. that is, trust that someone is gonna like me for, the collection of things i like and do and say and am? uh, or even several people? 

this... is one i can’t figure out Alone, because, well, it concerns social relations. and i have very little confidence in social relations, because, well, they’ve either been painful, or centered around painful experiences. and i’ve been told that when i’m really truly enthusiastic and happy about something, i’m overwhelming and annoying to others? so i put the brakes on like crazy if i start feeling “too” happy and end up going Appeasement Mode to get out of the social situation as quickly and smoothly as possible.

and uh, what, i don’t even know the collection of things i like and do and say and am. i don’t... Know all of those things at any one time. how, uh, what? what am I. you know. the usual ??????????? flippy haze. 

i mean! i’m getting better at talking Within myself. i REALLY try to talk slowly with kindness and understanding of context to myself and the voices in my head now, and figure out solutions to pain and problems that don’t involve different kinds of pain or avoidance? but i still lapse into like, you know, Augh Jesus Christ I’ve Heard This One Before Why Do I Need To Have This Discussion Again, and frequently i can’t find a viable alternative for avoidance, because i get overwhelmed easily and that makes EVERYTHING worse. and i haven’t figured out how to take my foot off the brake pedal, either, even though i’m not always pressing it. I Need It There For Now Or Else The Car Might Crash u kno. 

so, like, what? i guess i just keep, talking kindly to the voices, and also to myself? practice until it becomes the default state of being when a trigger pops in? this requires patience, and also booting away people who refuse to have patience with me. unfortunate, necessary.

the thing about IRL conversations, is they happen so QUICKLY, and like, i don’t have enough time to calm the brain down from every trigger that pops up! because like, it can be a facial expression, a movement, a word or phrase, a tone, something in the periphery, something behind me, an internal sensation. it’s SO much information my brain is scanning urgently for threats, and my brain scans harder the more a person knows me, because a person who knows you can deal WAY more damage than a stranger. 

so... yes. this is the part i require assistance with. Hrrrrrrmmnhghdfgjnh.

I SUPPOSE. perhaps now the university have stepped in to arrange a case review with the NHS, they can really push for the kind of support i need. which, yeah, it’s long-term one-on-one trauma-focused counselling or therapy, and also some help with social interaction???? not repeated crisis team referrals, not some 12-week DBT course, i’ve literally been off finding DBT skills and employing them on my own because the waiting lists are so fucking long, and not a 12-week psychodynamic course, because i’ve been seeing a psychodynamic counsellor on and off for four years privately, and the work is nowhere near a conclusion. shit, i’d be satisfied if they could just somehow secure funding for me to keep seeing that guy specifically? he’s REALLY helpful to me, literally like my fucking role model for non-toxic masculinity. and i’m not ready for like, group social skills work, Yet. but soon, you know? only when i’m like “okay, yeah, i really do think I can handle this without my health going backwards again” - which, i need more within-myself security for that. 

also better mood monitoring would be nice, i.e. seeing the same damn person, who actually knows my case, instead of a different person every time saying “I’ve just quickly had a look at your case notes”. because if i go low again this winter, then my “depressive disorder NOS” is bipolar, and i’ve been mismedicated from the beginning. and yeah honestly like? as soon as it starts getting dark and cold, I get inexplicably sad, even with plenty of indoor light and warm clothes and whatnot. but yeah we’ll see about that.

anyway This Shit Wack. Im Done.

#fliptext #trauma #abuse #drugs #self harm #emotional abuse #verbal abuse #physical abuse #fuck uhhh ask to tag #ask to tag #isolation #(boosh voice) i-so-la-tion i-so-la-tion

[gordonwilliamsweb]

Confronting Our ‘Frailties’: California’s Assembly Leader Reflects on a Year of Covid

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — When his 20-month-old daughter developed a rash earlier this month, Anthony Rendon did what many other parents do when their child is sick: The speaker of the California Assembly took Vienna to her pediatrician — but he did so via video from the comfort and safety of his home.

This story also ran on Chico Enterprise-Record. It can be republished for free.

Many Californians have relied on telehealth to connect with their health care providers during the covid-19 pandemic, but the option isn’t available to everyone. That imbalance is just one of the “frailties” in America’s health system that Rendon says lawmakers must address.

“So many folks, when they lose their job, they’re in trouble,” he said.

A Democrat from Los Angeles County and grandson of Mexican immigrants, Rendon led a nonprofit organization dedicated to early childhood education before his election to the Assembly in 2012. Although he hasn’t authored any sweeping bills on health care, as leader of the Assembly since 2016 he has influenced which measures get a vote — and which don’t.

For instance, though he says he’s a single-payer advocate, he angered many progressives four years ago when he blocked a bill that would have provided government-funded health care to all Californians. Rendon described the measure, approved by the state Senate, as “woefully incomplete.” While that decision drew the ire of the powerful California Nurses Association union — its leader tweeted an illustration of California’s iconic grizzly bear logo with a knife in its back inscribed with Rendon’s name — some Capitol insiders say Rendon made the strategic decision to take the hit for his members on a politically charged issue that didn’t have the votes to pass.

“It’s never leadership acting alone,” said David Panush, a health care policy consultant who worked in state government for 35 years. “They do it on behalf of their caucuses.”

Rendon won his post as California’s 70th Assembly speaker in part by pledging to allow his colleagues to set their own agendas in their policy committees. Under his leadership, the legislature has approved measures to expand Medicaid coverage to undocumented immigrants ages 19 to 26, protect patients from some surprise medical bills, ban the sale of flavored tobacco products, and require drug companies to report and explain drug price increases. But lawmakers rejected bills that would have taxed sugary drinks and given the state attorney general more authority over hospital consolidations.

After missing nine weeks of work last year when covid shuttered the Capitol, lawmakers returned to plastic barriers on their desks, mask requirements and other safety measures.

In December, Rendon’s colleagues elected him to a third term as speaker. He talked with KHN’s Samantha Young about his leadership role during the pandemic and his legislative priorities for the rest of this year.

Q: What did you learn leading this legislative body through a pandemic as a lawmaker, a husband and a dad?

First of all, we’re all very fragile and we’re all very resilient. It doesn’t take much for our various systems to be upset and to change course. At the same time, we adjust, whether it’s as a society, as a state, as an institution. In the Assembly, for example, we’ve almost learned how to do our business in a completely different manner, in the same way that Californians up and down the state have learned to navigate their lives in a different way.

Q: How have you juggled home and work life?

On the one hand, weekends are great. A lot of district events don’t happen, my wife can work on her dissertation full time, and I get to take care of the baby from sunup until around dinnertime. Having worked in early childhood education for 20 years, I realize how important the first couple years are. I’ve spent way more time with her than I thought I would. At the same time, there’s been challenges finding safe child care.

Q: What weaknesses did the pandemic expose in the health care system, and what can the legislature do about it?

Telehealth is great and can be very helpful but has its limitations. The pandemic really exposed the need for effective broadband throughout the state and broadband equity as well. We used to regard lack of broadband access as a rural issue.

Once we sent schoolkids home, we realized there were more pervasive broadband problems. So, there’s absolutely a need to do something big around broadband this year, and that’s because of education and also because of health care.

Q: You say you’re a single-payer advocate, but under your leadership, California’s coverage gains have been piecemeal. Why not just go for it and pass single-payer for everyone?

Mostly because of the challenges. First of all, we would need a federal waiver. The Biden administration has already hinted that they won’t do so. The president has said time and time again that he wants Obamacare to be expanded.

And there’s the huge price tag. There are very, very serious constitutional problems relating to the development and implementation of single-payer.

Q: So, who should get coverage next?

Senior undocumented immigrants are the next big group left. It’s a population that obviously has tremendous challenges with respect to access and language. They tend to have a lot of preexisting conditions, a lot of other health challenges as well. So, it’s important that we make sure that we cover those folks.

Q: Is there anything you would have done differently, looking back on the past year?

I wish we could have come up with some of the ideas for social distancing and bringing the legislature back more quickly. I think there was a sense early on in March and April [of last year] that the pandemic would run its course more quickly than it did. I remember people saying, “We’ll be back in two weeks, we’ll be back by midsummer, the pandemic will be gone.” So, in terms of developing a lot of those plans, they came to us a little later than I wish they had.

Q: How do you think vaccine distribution is going now that supply is exceeding demand?

I received a phone call from a neighboring district, the president of a community college, who called me up saying, “We have all these vaccines and people have stopped showing up.”

We’ve reached this sort of plateau that’s disappointing. We haven’t reached this plateau because 90% of people have been vaccinated. It links directly to public health, education and information campaigns. We have to talk about the safety of the vaccine and have validators also talk about the need to get to herd immunity.

Q: Along those lines, local public health departments feel that they have been underfunded for years and that they haven’t had the money to do the job in this pandemic. Do you support their request for additional state funding?

We need to make sure that they’re adequately funded. There was a problem with respect to the pandemic. We honestly weren’t ready for it. As far as these health efforts are concerned, they have to happen at the local level.

The conversation has to go hand in hand with accountability measures and accountability metrics. We’re not going to give folks a blank check. We know that there are vast differences in practices that a lot of the public health agencies throughout the state want to pursue, and we want to make sure that best practices are really implemented.

Q: How do you negotiate with influential industries, such as hospitals, pharmaceutical companies and big labor, to get meaningful legislation passed that goes against their interests?

When people boil it down to a simple question of who gives the most money, that’s overly simplistic. Look at the incredible amount of work we’ve done here in California with respect to oil. The enviros do not give as much money to politicians as the oil companies do.

But with respect to having these conversations, we take all of their input, and then the decisions, for me, are informed by what’s best for the state.

This story was produced by KHN, which publishes California Healthline, an editorially independent service of the California Health Care Foundation.

KHN (Kaiser Health News) is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues. Together with Policy Analysis and Polling, KHN is one of the three major operating programs at KFF (Kaiser Family Foundation). KFF is an endowed nonprofit organization providing information on health issues to the nation.

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This story can be republished for free (details).

Confronting Our ‘Frailties’: California’s Assembly Leader Reflects on a Year of Covid published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/

[nestleeds]

Pregnancy & my birthing plan during COVID-19

I’m 37 weeks pregnant, I wanted to write a final piece about my COVID19 pregnancy before the main event!. This is about my birth preparation this time, my birth preferences and how this could be affected by COVID-19.

The birth of my first child didn’t go to plan and I had a traumatic experience leading to me being diagnosed with PTSD symptoms.

From the beginning , I knew I had work to do to make things different this time and I want to share the things that have helped me. A lot of the stuff that has helped has been online so its accessible now during COVID19 and lockdown. 

I think my first step was actually pre 2nd pregnancy and that was to invest in some healing from my first experience, I needed to understand what had happened to me.

Birth preparation

Mental health – understanding what happened, learning, informing myself.

I had never really heard of birth trauma and I don’t think I really knew what was happening to me in the aftermath, like lots of new parents, I scrolled through social media in the middle of the night looking for something to make it make sense.

Eventually I found Birth Better. Its an account on Instagram which basically helped me to recognise what had happened to me, understand it and I learnt SO MUCH through reading their posts, like all trauma experienced during birth is VALID – even if you and baby were both ok afterwards, something that should be so reassuring, but for me just made me feel confused/sad/ guilty/ungrateful whenever any well meaning person said it to me. Your experience and how you felt is what matters. 

Recently, in my later stages of this pregnancy, seeing some of the page content has been quite triggering and it felt right to unfollow for the time being, so please be careful as the content can be triggering! - but it was absolutely what I needed to see at the time, it made me feel so much less alone and I finally understood why I had been feeling so bad. Through Birth Better, I found other accounts who all talked about the same thing, Dr Rebecca Moore, Birth Trauma Support Family, Birth Trauma Association UK and so much more following birth trauma hashtags. I would encourage anyone who is struggling with their mental health after having a baby – whether its trauma, Postnatal Depression, Anxiety, Psychosis – to do the same, there is a ton of helpful info out there and the people behind the accounts are so kind.

Birth trauma information:

@birthbetter

@birthtraumasupportfamily

@birthtraumaresolution

@birth_trauma_association_uk

@drrebeccamoore

Accounts about positive birth:

@thepositivebirthcompany

@birth_ed

@positivebirthmovement

@positivebirthaffirmations

Finding support and therapy for my mental wellbeing:

After I understood more about what was happening to me and why I was still feeling so fragile and not coping in many ways, I sought support, first via my GP and also privately. I felt a lot better after some CBT and EMDR therapy and have felt pretty solid right up until I fell pregnant again late 2019, some of the old feelings started to creep back in. I knew I needed to take control and do my research, learn my rights, the choices I had etc - I really didn’t feel like facing up to this by the way, it was hard...

I bought an online hypnobirthing course through The Positive Birth Company – I found their account on Instagram and they had a flash sale last year and I bought it for a FIVER! It is usually £40 which is still totally worth it. The only reason I bought this course over another was the price but the course is fab, it goes into EVERYTHING. Breathing techniques for labour (and anxiety), how to deal with pain, the physiology of birth, ALL the possible scenarios you might experience and probably most importantly, what your rights and choices are for your birth – SPOILER ALERT – you have complete choice in everything!! For me, this was the most affordable option, as in person hypnobirthing or even the NCT courses can cost £100s. Obviously it was a good choice to make once lockdown happened in March, my partner and I could continue our online course without interruption!

I also made the decision to change hospitals where I gave birth, luckily I had another one a similar distance away that I could choose. I know not everyone has this choice but a change in birthing place could also be made to having a home birth or a midwife led centre for someone else.

Through the hospital, I grabbed EVERY offer of additional support. These add on services are available to everyone but may not be offered to everyone, I was very emotional during my early hospital appointments so maybe it was super obvious I wasn’t coping, however other people may need to be more assertive and ask for the additional support. I had an appointment with a senior midwife who talked to me about my previous experience and helped me further understand what had happened and what my options were now. I think most hospitals have these debrief clinics now - called things like ‘Birth Thoughts’ or ‘Birth Matters’.

I had a few appointments with their specialist well-being midwife who listened to me and my concerns and helped me make a proper birth plan I was happy with.

I was also referred to the Perinatal Mental Health Team. By this point lockdown was in effect so instead of face to face meetings I was offered regular supportive telephone calls throughout my pregnancy. I have also been attending an online Zoom wellbeing group with their peer support team. This keeps me in check and encourages me to implement coping strategies to stay well. 

Additionally, by luck, a friend emailed me about a local hypnobirthing teacher who was offering EFT sessions for free. I was a bit sceptical about Emotional Freedom Technique or Tapping, however it was free so I contacted her and we set up a number of sessions over Zoom. This was incredibly helpful in dealing with anxiety symptoms and fully got me through a number of lone hospital appointments including my 20 week scan.

Finally, after a peak in anxiety and low mood in April, I decided to properly start making some time for myself. I was working from home full time at this point with a toddler and it had all got a bit much. I took a week off work and invested in a few things to support my wellbeing. I started to do pregnancy yoga every morning (just a random one from YouTube!) used positive affirmations on a phone app (Freya), had baths with some nice oils, purchased an essential oils calming spray, which I used every evening. I completed the hypnobirthing course and spent some time finessing my birth plan. This wasn’t all in that week, I’m still doing it now. And honestly this stuff has helped me just as much as all the professional interventions I’ve had.

Birth preferences and COVID19

I’ve only got a few weeks left, I don’t know for sure what effect COVID19 will have on my actual birth as things are still changing. I have made peace with the fact that my partner may not be able to be there at some points, if he contracts the virus I will need a reserve birth partner who will be my mum. I’ve been told I DON’T have to wear a mask to labour in (phew). There are some things which are still scary about giving birth at the moment, the biggest definitely the real possibility I’ll have extended time by myself whilst in labour BUT i’ve read probably hundreds of positive COVID birth stories via the Instagram pages I mentioned earlier and elsewhere online, if those women can do it, so can I. I know some people who wanted home births or to use midwife led centres have not been able to choose their options, maybe in some ways because of my previous c section those options were already ruled out for me which has made it easier? But in terms of what’s helped me prepare mentally and physically, I’ve been able to access most of it all online and it’s made it feel more in control and like I’m being really proactive, not just this passive ‘patient’ I felt like I was before.

So that’s it for now. Wish me luck!

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[alexsmitposts]

Authoritarian versus ‘Democratic’ Rulers Much American ink is being spilt over the fact that Russian voters recently agreed to allow President Vladimir Putin to potentially serve for another sixteen years. This is part of a liberal campaign against authoritarian leaders that pays scant attention to reality: while ‘democratic’ rulers are constantly negotiating with their people’s representatives, evil authoritarians are implementing their decisions. If you think about it, the crucial question is not whether a ruler is ‘elected’, but whether he can be successfully challenged. Peter the Great brought the Boyars (the Russian equivalent of America’s Senators) to heel, imposing fundamental changes to every aspect of Russian life, including the ‘opening to the West’ for which he is remembered abroad, and changing the way Russians dressed. President Donald Trump is nowhere near being able to rule with a free hand, however, he is ridding the country of what he calls ‘the swamp’, rolling back necessary rules and regulations rather than preventing Congress’s pet projects from getting in the way of ‘making America great again’ (even though this would have to start with eliminating the Corona virus). The governments of European countries are not dependent on Brussels for basic necessities, while the politically independent American states depend on Washington for crucial funds, resulting in an overall inability to, as the mantra goes, ‘get things done’. While the American President tells Americans to ‘live with the Corona virus’ until it ‘magically goes away’, ordering governors not to make mask wearing obligatory, countries in both Europe and Asia are bringing the pandemic at least partially under control. This suggests not only that more centralized/authoritarian governments are better able to meet crises, but also, that ‘exceptionalism’ can refer to failure. Europe’s democratic socialist regimes have remained in power for decades, whether under center right or center-left governments. In France, where I spent thirty years during two different periods, actions are taken by the Prime Minister chosen by the President, and the cabinet he in turn creates. When taking office, as is currently happening, he presents his program to the parliament, requesting a ‘vote of confidence’. When parliament refuses to cooperate with actions being taken by the Prime Minister on something the President considers vital, he can invoke a law known as 49.3 that allows him to force passage of a bill without a vote (unless the parliament votes a motion of no confidence). While under the American system of ‘checks and balances’, it is proving nearly impossible to rid the country of a terrible president who, in Steve Bannon’s words, is ‘dismantling the state’, without slogans, Europe’s parliamentary systems keep power on a relatively short leash. This is all the more meaningful that in crises such as Covid, the President or Prime Minister can order industries to produce masks or other indispensable items, and to order social security to pay workers forced into unemployment 84% of their salaries instead of the usual 75%. European parliamentary systems also allow for the occasional authoritarian. Take France’s Charles de Gaulle, for example. An obscure Colonel at the start of World War II, his command of English enabled him to set up a provisional government based in London, prolonging his rule for another two years “in order to re-establish democracy” in formerly Vichy France. Ten years later, as France’s colonies fought for independence, he came out of retirement to create the entirely new, presidential Fifth Republic, leading it from 1958 until a year before his death in 1969, as the left gnashed its (few) teeth. While the Presidents and Prime Ministers that followed him ended in the trash bin of history, he is admired across the globe as it struggles to flatten the Covid death curve. The most threatening epidemic since the 1918 flu that killed more than 50 million worldwide, Covid starkly illustrates the superiority of centralized government. Recently, the Guardian noted that for decades, in the face of uninterrupted US sanctions, revolutionary Cuba has sent doctors and other health workers to Indonesia, Pakistan, Haiti, West Africa, and recently, to the rescue of Europe’s social democratic health systems brought up short by Covid. The British daily also points out that not all Cuban health workers are happy with the obligation to repay their government for the free training they received from nursery to medical school, however, as usual when it comes to Cuba, the condemnation of ‘democrats’ goes hand in hand with ignorance: Cuba’s communist rulers have been sending medical teams overseas for decades in a bid to save lives and influence people. Paul Hare, a former British ambassador to Havana, said Fidel Castro launched the “doctor diplomacy” policy soon after his 1959 takeover as a means of using the island’s highly trained professionals to export revolutionary ideas and make new friends. While some missions are provided free of charge, other countries pay Cuba for the medical services, bringing in $6.3bn (£4.8bn) annually and making it Havana’s largest source of foreign currency. It’s true that Cuba has been exporting revolution and making friends around the world, in true socialist tradition, however the claim that when Fidel took power in 1959, Cuban doctors were eager to work in other third world countries is cringingly wrong. There were only enough of them to serve the well-off, and most would soon flee to more lucrative locations. While teaching many Cubans to read, the socialist government trained engineers, agricultural specialists and medical professionals in record time, (including thousands of doctors and nurses from developing countries and the US) tuition free. Inevitably, under the influence of ‘democratic’ ideas wafting across the Caribbean, some of those who benefit from the system resent having to reimburse it by serving abroad for a number of years, as I learned when revisiting the island in 2011. But it’s not as though they didn’t know what they were committing to, anymore than American students who take out high interest loans in order to acquire one of the most lucrative professions. The policy of all socialist countries is that free training creates an implicit IOU with the government, while the US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo describes noblesse oblige in these terms: Cuban doctors and nurses are being abused and exploited in order to fill the coffers of an authoritarian regime. “The Cuban ‘medical missions’ are exploitation: a for-profit front used to fund the regime’s repression and sow political discord. Predictably, the Guardian chimed in: “Of course there are big human rights problems in Cuba – as there have been since the start of the revolution,” failing to point out that an American who enlists in the armed forces to kill innocent civilians abroad is a patriot, while a Cuban doctor who agrees to serve foreign patients is a victim. As I wrote at the beginning of this article, the never mentioned difference between authoritarianism and ‘democracy’ (‘rule by the people’, also known as popular ‘consent’), is that authoritarian rulers are able to implement history-changing policies without domestic battles. Every leader who has gone down in history, including France’s Sun King, Russia’s Peter the Great, George Washington, FDR, Indira Ghandi and Vladimir Putin, has come to power determined to bring sweeping change to his/her country. In my memoir “Lunch with Fellini, Dinner with Fidel”, in 1963 I discovered that both Fidel Castro and the Italian film maker Federico Fellini, whom I had followed for a year, ‘ate, drank and slept’ their respective passions 24/7. (I was not surprised when Cuba’s then President Osvaldo Dorticos, told me that he considered Fidel to be ‘an artist’.) Currently, for all the indignation over ‘Russian interference’, American elections play a relatively minor role, as politicians challenge national policies or delay their implementation to gain electoral points from their local voters, hindering efforts to deal with Covid 19. Meanwhile, Hong Kong covers the cleaning costs for its schools; South Korea helps them create day care centers open til evening; Germany subsidizes laptops so low-income students can participate in remote learning; Italy gives schools money for more teachers, masks and separations. And in Africa, Kenya’s Zoonotic Disease Unit brings human and animal health experts together with environmental specialists, since their interface is where pandemics occur. If the outgoing hegemon would work with Xi Jin Ping and Vladimir Putin, they could not only prevent nuclear war, but craft common policies toward pandemics, of which there are certain to be more. The fact that Covid has been found to be airborne suggests that technology could play an important role in its elimination, similar to our ability to seed clouds. Has not the Russian President been shown on video passing through a short decontamination corridor, as pharmaceutical companies around the world compete to produce the best vaccine?

[thecrimsonarcher]

The Zion Mountain Chronicles--Roselyn's Story

“Back then, everyone in Zion Mountain was required to go to church every Sunday and every Wednesday, both morning and evening sermons. There were no exceptions to this rule, unless you were on your deathbed or expecting a child. Even us old folks who couldn’t get around very well had to go, no matter in how bad of shape we were in, whether our arthritis was bad enough to keep us from movin’ or in the case of some people, they had to carry their oxygen tanks with them. That’s how it was and no one questioned it or gave it any thought. They obeyed, doing as they were told, doing as their parents before them were told, and doing as their grandparents, great-grandparents. When that’s all you’ve ever known, you see no other alternative. It’s imprinted into your very being from the moment you were born and until the day you die. On occasion, there would be a vocal minority who expressed doubts about the cult and they’d go so far as to say, "Hey, you’re being duped. You’ve been duped your whole life and we have evidence to back that up” and once word got out about them, they drop off the face of the earth just like that. No one ever knew what happened to them, but some would say they’d see the cops banging on the person’s door the day they disappeared. Now that I look back on it….it just makes me so angry, even as I’m writing this out. For the crime of speaking out against the many injustices our town was facing, these brave people were murdered by the police department, the people who had sworn to protect and serve us. They were killed for the simple fact they knew too much. That’s all it was. You weren’t allowed to express your doubts here. You were only required to keep your mouth shut and agree with everything they said. Back then, I would’ve said the cops were in the right because they were doing everything they could for our best interest. But now….they were nothing more than the cult’s guard dogs, silencing those whose voices were bigger than those of us who obeyed in silence for years. It was never about us. It was always about them. They wanted to keep up with the status quo, to keep all of us in line so we wouldn’t give them any problems.

Perhaps you weren’t aware of this, but the Zion Mountain Order of the Southern Sky acted as a financial backer for the police department. The police department’s sole purpose in Zion Mountain was not to protect and serve, but to make sure they placed the cult’s doctrine as their top priority. They were known as the Legion, soldiers in God’s army. They followed the church’s orders and enforced the rules. Preacher Yearwood more than likely used the money he embezzled to fund the police. For a small town department, they were awfully…well equipped, shall we say. They didn’t wear regular police uniforms like how the Grundy PD and Sheriff’s Department did. They looked like soldiers, almost. They wore all black, head to toe, and had a white band around their upper left biceps with the Order of the Southern Sky’s logo. They wore helmets and bulletproof vests, along with armor on their knees and elbows. I never saw their faces. They’d always wear gas masks. They never spoke to anyone or even interacted with them. They’d just stand there, completely still and completely silent. They were a truly terrifying sight to behold. Not once did I ever feel safe with them being a constant presence in town. Just between you and me, I always thought there was something off about them, like they weren’t exactly human. They had this strange air about them, like they didn’t belong in this world. Years after the fact, Zachariah and I were discussing it one day and he admitted to me he felt the same way. Just what were they? You could smell them well before you can see them. It was a dead smell, like roadkill on the asphalt during a hot summer day, a scent so horrible it would make your eyes water and stomach churn. They'd be chased around by blow flies, even while indoors, and they wouldn't do so much as react. A normal person would try to swat at them, but not the Legion soldiers. They'd do nothing but just stand there, completely silent and covered in hundreds of swarming flies.

Our “warden” was a young man named Justin. He was a tall, stocky boy who was built like a linebacker. In fact, he was on the football team in high school. He was about 20-21 years old at the time, I believe. He was assigned to us about a year before the Zion Mountain Incident.

He was the only decent cop out of all of them, along with Sheriff Yearwood. When they first assigned him to keep tabs on us, he had a bit of a cocky attitude about him, like he was better than us. Over time, he started warming up to all of us in the congregation, even joining us in worship and dinners after the afternoon services on Sunday were over with. On occasion, he’d help William with whatever repairs needed to be made to the church, which there wasn’t a shortage of. There was also something that needed to be done and Justin was always more than happy to help. Within that short time, we learned so much about him, about his life and the dreams he was hoping to accomplish. At the time, he had just gotten engaged to his girlfriend, Heather, who worked at the Bank of Zion Mountain. The only reason why he was working for them was for the benefits. I had always heard the higher ups in the church were paid good money and were always well taken care of, something that would definitely appeal to a young person such as himself. Justin wanted to save money to buy a house after he and Heather were married the following July.

Why Justin would get himself involved with the Legion is beyond me. He was a sensitive, caring young man with so much potential to do some good in this world, not spend whatever was left of his short life on the side of the oppressors. He could see that. He recognized there being a problem with how things worked here and instead of passively accepting it for what it was, he helped us. Maybe he didn’t realize it, but Justin had a much greater impact than he would’ve ever known.

A few days before the Incident happened, Justin wasn’t acting like himself. He seemed to be lost in his thoughts, withdrawn even. He kept staring up at the Unicoi Range, not taking his eyes off of it.

I asked him, I said, “Honey, what’s going on with you? You’re not acting like yourself today.”

He kept brushing it off like it was nothing, but I kept pressing it. Bless me for acting like a nagging mother, but that’s just how I am, you know? Besides, he became very dear to us, as strange as that may seem.

We asked him what it was and for a while, he stayed quiet and kept whatever he was thinking to himself as he ate during the after sermon dinner. He finally looked at us and said with tears in his eyes, “I was given orders to purge everyone in this church, but I can’t do it. I just can’t do it.”

We were all mortified by what he had just said. Purge? Back then, we honestly believed that Kalona loved us all, no matter our skin color or social standing. Why would he want us dead, if we were all equal in his eyes? As far as we were concerned, those orders came from him because the Legion were a part of God’s army and thus, were closest to him. Understandably, we were all terrified. It wasn’t just the fact we had a potential killer sitting at the same table we were eating at, but the fact that our own religion that we had followed so blindly over the years, would advocate this systematic act of violence on Kalona’s behalf. But Justin refused to do it. Justin was not that kind of person. He was kind, gentle, smart, and had such a bright future ahead of him with Heather.

We never saw Justin again after that. I wonder what happened to him? It broke our hearts when he had heard a couple of weeks later that Heather’s body was found in what was left of their apartment.

It wasn’t until Kevin told us a few years later that the orders came from Pastor Yearwood himself, that the mass purging was implemented to rid Zion Mountain of the “undesirables” and use them as sacrifices to Kalona. Kevin said to us that it was planned to be carried out on the night of June 17, 2013 when everyone would be in church. He claimed that a handful of the smaller churches were attacked first by the Legion, followed by the “middle class” congregations. They would’ve succeeded in their goal had Kalona not appeared and destroyed whatever was left of Zion Mountain. By some twist of fate, we were spared from the initial purge that night. There was a pipe that busted and flooded the interior of the church, stopping our services early for the evening. However, that didn’t do much to protect all of us in our congregation. Our church family was comprised of 40 people in 2013. Out of those 40, only 5 of us made it out alive–My husband Zachariah, myself, William Campbell, Vanessa Matthews, and her little girl, Haley. William missed it by shear luck. He was a fireman in the Grundy Fire Department and on that night, he had to work. I can’t imagine how he must have felt, getting that call. Used to, I would say we were saved by the grace of Kalona himself, but now….I can tell you that praying on our knees wouldn’t have helped us out of the situation. Praying with our feet worked wonders. If not, I wouldn’t be alive today to tell you this.

Do I have regrets? Yes, I do. I have a lot of them. I wake up every morning with the knowledge that everyone I ever known and loved in Zion Mountain died completely pointless deaths all because of one man’s greed and his need for control. There were over 900 people in Zion Mountain and not one of us could stand up to them. We were afraid. We were always afraid, whether we knew it or not. Fear was the driving force behind our blind worship of Kalona. It had been imprinted into our minds for generations. We weren’t free, you see. If we would’ve just thought about it, we were being held captive while this thing watched over us like sheep in a pen. That’s just how things were.

I believe we survived so we can tell you our stories, so that Zion Mountain won’t have to fade away in vain. Despite all the bad times, we shared wonderful memories together in our little church, memories we’ll cherish for as long as we still live and breathe. I have cried until all of my tears have run dry, leaving only my past recollections as comfort.“

–Testimony from Roselyn Moses, the wife of Zachariah Moses, and one of the oldest survivors of the Zion Mountain Incident

#my writings #the zion mountain chronicles #writing #tw: disturbing content #nightmare fuel #southern gothic #Appalachia #Lovecraftian horror #tw: implied genocide #Roselyn's tale #the only thing I can confirm about the Legion is that they're basically zombies #but I won't label it as a zombie story #poor Justin

[dipulb3]

Fauci warns of 'anti-science bias' being a problem in US

New Post has been published on https://appradab.com/fauci-warns-of-anti-science-bias-being-a-problem-in-us/

Fauci warns of 'anti-science bias' being a problem in US

But the nation’s top infectious disease expert, Dr. Anthony Fauci, has been warning Americans about the risk of further spread of the virus.

On Wednesday, Fauci, the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, joined the US Department of Health and Human Services’ podcast “Learning Curve” and gave his expertise on the pandemic and the vaccine development process.

He also defended the stay-at-home orders as having saved “millions of lives,” and drew attention to anti-science bias and the disproportionate impact the virus is having on the black community.

Fauci said “anti-science bias” in the country can be problematic.

“One of the problems we face in the United States is that unfortunately, there is a combination of an anti-science bias that people are — for reasons that sometimes are, you know, inconceivable and not understandable — they just don’t believe science and they don’t believe authority,” Fauci said.

“So when they see someone up in the White House, which has an air of authority to it, who’s talking about science, that there are some people who just don’t believe that ��� and that’s unfortunate because, you know, science is truth,” Fauci said.

“It’s amazing sometimes the denial there is. It’s the same thing that gets people who are anti-vaxxers, who don’t want people to get vaccinated, even though the data clearly indicate the safety of vaccines,” Fauci added. “That’s really a problem.”

Trump has frequently disregarded expert advice — and often the guidance of his own administration — during the pandemic. He long touted the use of the anti-malarial drug hydroxychloroquine as a treatment for Covid-19 despite a lack of medical evidence, and the Food and Drug Administration revoked its emergency use authorization for the drug earlier this week. His suggestion that ingesting disinfectant in April was a potential treatment — he later said he was joking — was quickly denounced by medical experts. And he has refused to wear face masks in public despite widespread beliefs that doing so slows the spread of the virus.

On the vaccine process

The process of getting a United States coronavirus vaccine candidate into a Phase 1 trial happened at record speed, according to Fauci.

Fauci credited the Chinese for publishing the sequence on the open database on January 10, and the next day, the US said, “We got to jump on this.” On January 15, the US began the development of a vaccine candidate, Fauci said.

“Sixty-two days later, we had a product that we put into clinical trial, in a Phase I to see if it’s safe and does it induce an immune response. That is overwhelmingly the quickest that has ever been done,” Fauci said.

Fauci said there are a number of steps to develop a vaccine, but the reason they were able to do it so quickly is “that we proceeded what’s called ‘at-risk'” for finances.

“What happens is that in the standard way of developing a vaccine, you don’t jump to invest in the next step until you’re pretty sure that the step you’re in is working,” Fauci said. “Given the fact that we needed to do this as quickly as possible without sacrificing safety or scientific integrity, the federal government partnered with multiple of these companies and said, ‘Guess what, we’re going to move fast and we’re going to assume we’re going to be successful. And if we are, we’ve saved several months. And if we’re not, the only thing we’ve lost is money. But better lose money than lose lives by delaying the vaccine.’ So, right now, the initial data from the study showed that. It makes me cautiously optimistic that we can induce a response that would be protective.”

On Covid-19 disproportionately impacting black Americans

Social inequalities are among the factors behind why the black community in the United States has “suffered disproportionately” from Covid-19, Fauci said.

“African-Americans have suffered disproportionately from coronavirus disease. They’ve suffered in that their rate of infection is higher because of the nature of the economic status that many of them find themselves in where they’re outside working, being unable to physically separate,” he said.

“And then when they do get infected, given the social determinants of health which make it for them, have a higher incidence of diseases like hypertension, obesity, diabetes,” Fauci said. “They are at much greater risk of suffering the deleterious consequences including death.”

Social determinants of health include the conditions in which people are born in and live in that can impact their health and the complex social structures and economic systems that shape these conditions, including discrimination in access to and quality of health care, among other factors.

On the US lockdown measures

Fauci defended the shutdown policies in the United States and around the world during the pandemic as having saved “millions of lives.”

“When you give advice about what should you be doing — should you be out there, should you be shutting down earlier versus later? I mean, people get confused. And they say, ‘Wow, you know, we shut down and we caused a great disruption in society. We caused great economic pain, loss of jobs,'” Fauci said.

“But if you look at the data, now that papers have come out literally two days ago, the fact that we shut down when we did and the rest of the world did, has saved hundreds of millions of infections and millions of lives,” Fauci said. “And yet, there are those who say, ‘You shut down, you did destructive things by disrupting the economy.’ And others say, ‘Well, if you save so many infections by shutting down, why didn’t you shut down two weeks earlier? You could have saved many more lives.'”

One study, published last week in the journal Nature, found that if large-scale shutdown policies — such as ordering people to stay home and closing schools — were not implemented after the coronavirus pandemic made its way to the United States, there would be roughly 60 million more coronavirus infections across the nation.