#I def didn’t have low blood sugar

[dandelions-could-never]

Yo guess which bitch fainted again and needs bloodwork done now bcs their legs were twitchingggg

Me. It’s me. It’s always me.

#tw seizures #I guess #no idea what it was this time #I def didn’t have low blood sugar #I guess we’ll find out #mine #i think im funny #tw fainting

[saltyladynightmare]

Jiliu AU Part 4

Beginning, Previous, Next, Masterlist

A/N

Introducing Nausea! Original Clone Character, Inventor of The Hand Cream, actual Medic, and Kix's official second in all things medbay (unofficially it is def Coric, but even Torrent needs to follow some rules, okay?)

I keep forgetting about Denal. I'm sorry Denal. It isn't on purpose.

Why did I decide to write this in past tense again? I don't remember. I have regrets.

Warnings:

usual suspect grammar, typos, and spelling mistakes, fake medicine, fake medical practices, IVs, mentions of needles (?), feeding tubes, cafeteria food, mentioned throwing up, platonic cuddling between men,

~~~

General Skywalker's fever still hadn't broken by the end of the day. He also had not had another period of lucidity either. He was delirious, sweating, and weak.

About an hour and a half after the Command staff of Torrent had left the medbay to do what was needed, Kix had been hit with a truly inspired idea, if he said so himself.

A medic uses what they have on hand, and Kix will do what he must to save who he could.

Torrent Company had less then most, but they had bacta tanks. More importantly they had all of the tubes that went with them--including feeding tubes. Feeding tubes that weren't currently in use.

It had taken some inventive jury rigging, but they had a system that would work up in about half an hour. It may have taken longer if one of the mechanics hadn't been on shift as a draftee, but he had been more than happy to assist with the set up.

Once it was done, Kix called for the more medically certified Vod'e in the medbay to assist him with inserting the tube. It went very badly, and Kix would erase the entire experience from his mind if he hadn't learned how to not insert a feeding tube. Thankfully, General Skywalker didn't actually wake up to choke on his own vomit, so there's that.

Needless to say, it was unanimously decided that it was a smart move to keep the General on the IVs for the time being. In addition to the two bags of fifty percent dextrose in his left arm he had been attached to for his excruciatingly low blood sugar, he was also outfitted with two bags of isotonic iv fluids in his right arm, specially mixed by Kix himself, in an attempt to combat the onset of severe dehydration.

It had begun to grate on Kix's frayed nerves, how their limited supplies hadn't even included the correct fluids for dehydration, much less the liquid nutrients that might have given General Skywalker the leg up he needed to overcome whatever was causing his fever. Dextrose was well and good, but blood sugar only had so many uses in the body. Not to mention mixing fluids was very hard to do without the proper equipment. Instead of being able to help, Kix was regulated to waiting for the General's body to be ready to accept the feeding tube.

Kix did end up deciding to take him off oxygen, though. His oxygen levels were much better, in the medium-low normal for nat-borns if Kix's scanner could be trusted, and it was smarter to save the supplies for when they might be needed more. Anyway, they didn't have enough to last him all the way to Coruscant even if he had needed it. Better to save it incase of an emergency in transit.

Before he dragged the oxygen tank to storage, Kix took the time to sync his datapad to his General's sensor discs and propped it up on his headboard with the sound linked to his bucket.

He left it there for the rest of his shift.

~~~~~~

Risk was normally the graveyard shift medic. He was the only medic who had a steady shift schedule, barring emergencies, partly because he needed it, partly because very little usually happened on the night shift which was only a good thing for their second shiniest medic, and partly because no one else wanted to do it.

Today, the first night shift after the battle, Risk was not the medic in charge. This was normal.

After all, not only had he been the sole medic on the entirety of the Resolute for just over twelve hours, and thus in charge, he had held the reigns in the medbay during the aftermath, earned his name with a truly impressive explosion (bacta was not inherently flammable, but he had managed it), and then continued right on working through the next graveyard shift to give his fellow medics time to recover. Altogether, Risk had been awake for a little over thirty-six hours, and was now recuperating. He was scheduled to take up his usual shift schedule night after this one, while being on call before that incase of emergencies before then. With only four Medics, Torrent couldn't afford anything less, but that was beside the point.

With Risk essentially out for the count, and Kix pulling a double shift after Risk signed off--Nausea did not care what Jaded said, Risk owed Nausea his next sweet roll; calling Lieutenant Jesse had been the best idea Nausea's had since the Hand Cream--leaving either Nausea or Jaded to take up the night shift.

Nausea had graciously volunteered to take the shift, if only because he knew he would loose against Jaded in any sort of competition he might propose to brake the tie that didn't involve cards, or knives. Jaded never picked either of those things as tiebreakers anymore. This was because Jaded was a quick study, and it served him well, but stars did Nausea wish he hadn't learned to apply that knowledge to shift sorting. It meant Nausea was the one to get stuck with the awful shifts, because he was older, and thus didn't get to pick the tiebreakers.

And so Nausea arrived exactly on time to accept the graveyard shift from Kix a little under two hours after he had left for dinner. He had at least managed to squeeze a decent nap in, but he was not at all looking forward to powering through the next eight hours on four hours of sleep. Especially when he touched on everything that had happened in the last thirty-six hours.

Which Nausea wasn't in the mood to do right then, so he swiped his ident chip over the sensor, and made his way to where Kix was huddled at his desk, probably scowling down at some datawork or another.

"Sir." Nausea stepped crisply into parade rest in front of the desk across from Kix's.

"Nausea," Kix returned, eyes firmly fixed on the screen as he scrolled.

Nausea waited for a bit, then rolled his eyes when nothing was forth coming. "Your shift is done, sir."

Kix scrolled again. He still didn't look up. "I figured. I just need to finish this report, then a post-battle medical exam."

Nausea's eyebrows twitched up. "You haven't had that yet?"

"No. Risk was dead on his feet, for all that he didn’t look it, and you and Jaded were in and out of the medbay while I was usually wrangling a patient. I didn’t comm for one because I didn't see the point of it."

Nausea thought about it. With the General maybe dying, and Kix's use of the unauthorized medical practice that was almost definitely responsible, Kix would be decommissioned if he died, never mind the blood transfusion had saved the General from hemorrhaging. With that hanging over their head, no one would be interested in protocol, never mind that it was a Torrent Protocol put in place by Kix himself to ensure optimum company health.

Given Kix had been with the General, he probably didn't have anything worse then some bad bruising with how General Skywalker was with the clones he took with him. Likelihood of critical injuries went down by eighty-three percent for a Vod the closer he was to the General. Didn't do much for death rates--he was often in the thick of it-- but injury was less likely to happen if the Vod in question survived. Even then, Vod'e came out on the other side mostly okay from situations where they honestly should have died.

Still. "What changed?"

Kix glanced up, finally. "You haven't heard?"

Nausea shrugged. "I was in the distillery most of the day. Only ones in there were Jaded and Vat, and neither of them talk much."

"Ah. In the slow hours on your shift, ask after that." Kix scrawled his CT number on the datapad with his stylus with prejudice, and flicked it across his desk the moment he was done with a clatter. He rose, grabbing his bucket. "Shall we?"

Nausea was debriefed on the current medbay situation and finished with Kix's exam in eight minutes. He sent Kix away with instructions to use some of Nausea's bruise cream, and to either get a drink or a massage to work out all of the tension in his back and shoulders. Kix, who was apparently more tired then he looked, just rolled his eyes, and only stayed long enough to fetch his datapad from where it had been acting as a monitor for the General before finally clocking out.

Nausea watched him long enough to see him swipe his ident chip off shift, before he began the first round of the night.

Forty-two minutes, and a mad scramble to replace a good chunk of the IV bags currently in use in a timely manner later found Nausea mid round in a game of sabacc with most of the on-shift draftees, while Coric and Krick looked on. The two first aid specialists were well versed in Nausea's skill at cards and had opted out. The draftees were new meat and still haven't learned their lesson, five hands in. Nausea had every intention of fixing that.

Just as he was in the process of ruining their day, someone sat up in their cot. His head turned unerringly to the offender. The creak came again, a protest of squeaking joints and creaking pleather. The sound died abruptly.

Nausea set his hand down on the little folding table, and rose, eyes still locked on the curtain blocking his line of sight. Someone had gotten up. No one was supposed to be up right now. It was napping hour in the medbay. He absently hand signed investigating that way, stay here at Coric, and made his way over.

He rounded a corner and stopped dead.

General Skywalker stood swaying in the center of the aisle, looking like death warmed over. Nausea looked away. Looked back

Skywalker was still there.

Right, then.

Nausea marched toward his wayward patient. General Skywalker generally didn't resist medical attention once he'd been pinned down, so he shouldn't resist Nausea insisting he needed to lay back down. It might take some coaxing, but Nausea was used to that anyway.

He's only halved the distance between them, when the General swerved around to stare him down. Nausea almost missed a step, startled. The air hummed.

Have the General's eyes always glowed like that?

Skywalker blinked, and Nausea was moving again, like he hadn't almost stalled in place like a faulty droid. He reached the General's side in short order, and telegraphed his move to put a supporting hand around the clearly feverish Jedi's elbow. Glazed blue eyes followed the movement.

"Sir."

The moment Nausea's hand made contact, General Skywalker crumpled.

Nausea half stumbled back at the sudden dead weight toppled into his chest plate. The General's head thunked heavily onto Nausea's armored shoulder, fever sweaty forehead pressing against his neck and jaw.

Nausea jerked back, and its only muscle memory that got his arms up around the General's ribs in time to keep him from dropping bonelessly to the floor. Dislodged at Nausea's movement, the General's head lolled back on his neck.

What??

Nausea scrambled to get a better grip on the entire limp person suddenly in his grasp.

He must have made a noise or something, because next thing he knew boots scuffed the ground behind him. He threw a wild eyed plea over his shoulder, trying to grapple with his armful of gangly noodle limbs unsuccessfully. Skywalker wasn't much heavier than a Vod out of shell, but he was mostly arm and leg, and Nausea did not have the know-how to deal with this. Words die in his throat at the sight of a wide-eyed Coric.

Coric, the cold-blooded sha'buir, smirked, and pulled out his comm. Nausea glared balefully as he took he took his sweet time taking a holo, before even bothering to move to Nausea's aid in Jedi wrangling.

"Any idea what this is about?" He asked quietly as he reached for a pale wrist just out of Nausea's reach.

Nausea half shrugged, and lost his grip on whatever rib his fingers had been hooked into. He hissed out a swear. "Apparently," he gritted, making a grab for the other arm, "a feverish Skywalker is prone to sleepwalking, or something close to it. Kix had told me about it, bet he'd also said it hadn’t happened during either of his shifts, so it might have been a one time thing."

Coric looped his captive arm around his shoulders, and hauled the General more upright. "Guess not."

"Yeah, guess not. Must've been the Kix Affect at work." Nausea took advantage of not fighting a loosing battle with a goo-for-mass human, snagged the only frer elbow on the stump arm--he checked; the General only had two arms even though Nausea could've sworn he'd been fighting with eight until Coric had come--and slung the arm over his shoulders, taking some of the weight off Coric.

"Wouldn't surprise me," Coric agreed.

They half carried, half dragged the lanky General back to his cot, and tip him into it. Coric tucked his unending pile of limbs under the thin sheet being used as to keep every puff of cold air from rattling straight through his feverish body, while Nausea set about seeing what the man had done to his IV needles.

They were trailing on the floor.

That wasn't sanitary at all.

Nausea checked in the usual places and found a stash of packaged butterfly needles tucked in the grip slot meant to make it easier to move the beds that no one ever used thanks to its extremely awkward position. No one wants to bend down so far when moving a bed unless they're going up or down stairs. The Resolute didn't have stairs. So.

In short order, Nausea has the first IV needle changed, with some alcohol wipes readied, and rolled the General's nearest arm to inspect the damage. He ran a thumb over yellow-edged bruises i the crook of his elbow.

Huh.

No needle marks.

Nausea shrugged, and reached for the first wipe. He has all four IVs inserted in a couple minutes.

The General stayed down for all of an hour.

In a fit of what would later be called genius, but what he called desperation, Nausea had Coric help him move one of the more lightly injured Vod'e patients to General Skywalker's cot with him. After all, if the General was getting up for the sole purpose of looking for cuddles, who better to deliver than someone who shouldn't be moving anyway?

It took some doing arranging, but they managed to get the Vod who had been awake enough to volunteer on the cot with their feverish General without getting any of his tubes tangled.

Nausea and Coric watched, eyebrows inching up into their hairlines, as the General, still barely qualifying as conscious, wrapped himself like a cephalopod around the newly not-shiny '68. For his part, '68 simply wrapped an arm around him new cling-on's shoulder good naturedly, staring down in bemusement.

Nausea and Coric exchanged glances, and shrug simultaneously.

"Guess we'll see if that keeps him down, then," Nausea muttered.

In the end, they needed to break up the cuddling session when their Jetii's fever spiked from his close proximity--read: full bodied death grip--to '68's high Vod-healthy core temperature. To make sure his patient didn't go wondering again, Nausea had one of the draftees sit next to Skywalker's cot and hold his hand. It was not hard to get a rotation of volunteers for that job. Since Coric had finally seen fit to debrief Nausea on what Kix had not told him, this wasn't a surprise.

When Skywalker pulled himself out of his cot to sprawl across his hand-holder's lap for the fifth time, no one on shift needed to say anything to draw up a schedule to switch off between handholding and cuddling. If only because it meant he actually rested, instead of fussing in his sleep.

~~~~~~

Kix entered the medbay three minutes before his shift started.

The prickly weight from before settled comfortably around his shoulders. The tingling quills felt a tiny bit less sharp, so that was nice. Maybe Kix's neck and shoulders wont have gone numb by the time lunch rolled around. It patted at his cheeks almost affectionately, and curled close, happily.

He clocked in, and checked the time of his comm. He had a couple minutes before Nausea would even acknowledge his existence, much less give him a report on how the graveyard shift went, so Kix decided to go check on his General.

He pulled the curtain away, and stopped. Blinked. Looked away, then back again.

'68, one of the shinies from the mission, was still cuddling the General, both sound asleep.

Nausea dropped into parade rest to Kix's left.

"Sir."

"Nausea," Kix said distractedly.

Nausea hummed. "The General left his cot twice last night. We got him horizontal again easily enough both times, but he kept taking his IVs out. Not real damage done, but not exactly something I wanted to risk." Nausea jerked his chin at the cot. "'68 didn't mind; apparently he slept like a tubie. No nightmares or anything."

"Oh?"

That was...strange. '68 had never been in a battle before. This had well and truly been his first battle, his and his squad's. First battles were always one of the worst a Vod would experience. Add that to the fact that '68 had lost three of his four squad mates, and he was going to have nightmares, guaranteed. That he hadn't had even one was more than unusual.

"Yeah, didn't dream at all. Like the General is a dream repellent, or something." Nausea's head tilted. "Jedi power, maybe?"

Kix made a speculative noise.

Nausea accepted that easily enough. "Yeah, I don't know either. But it got both of them to sleep, so no complaints here. It's just weird."

Yes, it was.

Kix eyed his General thoughtfully.

He did look much better. Still sweaty and feverish, which couldn't be the most comfortable to cuddle, but not so pale and unnaturally still. His face was sleep-slack, mashed into '68's peck, but his limbs were almost bonelessly comfortable.

Kix would postpone inserting the feeding tube, then. Getting one put in was unpleasant even for the unconscious, and the General was finally sleeping for the first time since before the battle. Unconsciousness did not count. Kix wasn't about to interrupt that. Not right now, in any case.

Things...go smoothly for the next few hours.

By the time Kix was due to break for lunch, he was more than a little wary.

Nothing went well for Torrent. Ever.

He ran mental fingers over the weight around his shoulders absently. With his mind. Again.

Kix yanked his traitorous mind into something like sanity for the umpteenth time, and foraged ahead with the...he was counting stims. Again. Right.

Better to do this than spend any amount of time thinking about how he was mentally petting a wriggly heaviness that was otherwise non-existent. Except he kept finding himself doing it, again and again, only to stop as soon as he realized what he was doing.

Surely he imagined how it slumped more heavily around his shoulders when he forced himself to stop.

Yes. It was all in his head.

Kix almost pat it goodbye when it was finally time for lunch against his better judgment anyway, because every time he had left the medbay before, the weight had dropped right off his shoulders. Kix had promised to eat lunch with Jesse again, so he was going to the mess hall. He didn't pat it, because one doesn't entertain hallucinations, but he did almost feel bad about it.

Except it didn't go away when he walked through the door.

Or when he made his way down the hall to the elevators.

The weight stayed exactly where it was across his shoulders and draped down his chest all the way down to the mess. It barely did more than curl happily when he was in line to get his food, or tap against his spaulders after he started making his way to where Jesse, Rex, and Hardcase were sitting with their own meals. Seemed Denal had other places to be.

"Hey, Kix!" Jesse smiled extra bright. Hardcase waved enthusiastically with his fork, mouth full, and Kix took a moment to be very glad he had refrained from actually saying anything. Rex nodded, as relaxed as he ever was.

Kix tilted his chin in greeting, and set his tray down before swinging his legs over the bench.

Jesse knocked the spaulders together, grinning.

Kix smiled. Then, the moment he settles in his seat, the weight slid to flop heavily onto his lap. He half expected to hear it thunk into his leg plates, but was also not surprised when he didn't hear a thing.

"You alright, Kix?"

Kix looked up to see all three of them were watching him with various degrees of concern.

He blinked, then shook it off. The weight could do what it wanted. "Yeah, I'm fine." He picked up his fork and stabbed at his grain ration. "Has anyone else been having a weirdly smooth day, or is that just me?"

"I thought it might have just been me!" Hardcase blurted. Then he's off at a hundred klicks a second, outlining all of the ways his day had been strange, from someone getting an entire speeder dropped on them, and not even getting a scratch, to the door to the armory that always stuck not sticking even once.

A little while later, when they are gathering their trays for cleaning, Rex caught Kix's eye.

"We're going in the same direction." Rex said. Kix carefully kept his face blank. Since when was the medbay in the same direction as Rex's berth turned office? "I'll walk you there."

"Yeah, sure." There was probably something Rex wanted to tell him. Though why he couldn't just say it, or send a comm, Kix will likely never know.

Kix stood, half hoping that the weight would obey physics and fall to the floor. Instead, it dropped of his lap and landed gently on his shoulders to curl under his chin.

Hrrrn.

Seemed he was stuck with it, then.

This didn't bother him as much as he thought it should.

Once their trays are stacked in the drop bin next to the mess door, he and Rex walk into the hall. They make their way to the elevator, neither saying a word. They enter the first elevator that came.

The elevator dinged, and opened to the medbay floor. Strangely, the hall is deserted. The two of them step out, and make their way to the doors.

Rex is quiet.

Kix waited.

"We got a reply from the Jedi Council," is what he finally started with. Kix swallows around the lump in his throat. The weight curled closer, and he was almost glad. When it became clear he wasn't going to say anything, Rex continued. "We're to report to the Temple, and transfer the General to the Jedi Healing Halls. I'm to debrief them in person on arrival." He breathed deep, and then exhaled slowly. His mouth curved up ever so slightly. "We're in the clear."

Something went limp in relief in Kix's chest, and his knees go wobbly. He managed to keep his feet without missing a step. The weight patted at his jaw, and Kix didn't even try to fight the Hardcase-worthy grin off his face.

Looked like he won't need to use all of his water ration after all.

#anakin skywalker #medic kix #clone medic kix #ct 6116 #original clone troopers #rex #kix #captain rex #ct 7567 #clone trooper jesse #ct 5597 #jesse #clone trooper coric #coric #Jiliu AU #Hardcase #clone trooper '68 #Force tomfoolery

[maya-net]

Documentation on a Silver Exorcist, a Small Medium, a Smiling Siren, et al. - Chapter 1

Chapter 1 - Stars Align: Emma Xing Qixin, Tech Support and Professional Administrator of the Unofficial Zheng Ge’s Fanclub

The rustling of the seven large plastic packages of heavily discounted ramen complements the unforgivably nasty squeak of the styrofoam that protects the equally heavily discounted century eggs that Emma had spent the last of her weekly budget on. Squashed together in a trusty, faded blue shopping bag, they are placed very carefully on the chair. Her backpack is dropped just slightly less carefully onto another chair, and she rolls her shoulders, breathing in the various blends of caffeine and sugar wafting around the SunDollarsTM store that she had desperately scouted for.  

Xiqiang glides into the chair opposite, and with an elegant slide of an arm, slips Emma’s other equally faded blue shopping bag on to the seat beside her. Emma doesn’t understand how a human being can be that graceful, and sends a silent apology to her mom for being a failure of a daughter.

“I will order some refreshments,” Xiqiang’s voice washes over the background noise of the other patrons in the café. “What would you like? It will be my treat.”

“Oh no no no, no need! I have -” Emma grunts as she bends over her backpack and pulls down the zipper ornamented with the keychain of a blond cyborg, “a gazillion SundollarsTM gift cards! My college orientation and faculty events have the occasional lucky draws or mini contests, and I’d always get something out of them. It’s great, really. I regift them to my friends for birthdays. Saves me time and money from having to buy actual birthday presents. I keep my money, they get their coffee. But. Um. You didn’t hear that.” With some difficulty, she wrestles out a bright red gift card from the stack that is threatening to burst out of the seams of the pouch sewn into her backpack. “Ah, I’ll save this table. Could you help me order a large caramel frappe? And maybe one of their giant cookies. Any flavour is fine. Please and thank you!”

A pause. “Very well,” Xiqiang graciously replies as she accepts the gift card.

Seven minutes later, Emma is happily slurping down her frappe as a countdown timer to the livestream event pops up on her laptop screen. 47 minutes to go. Her ears are now plugged with a pair of earphones. Opposite her, Xiqiang is steadily typing away on her laptop with unnaturally impeccable posture.

It is at this very moment. That the universe decides to be an utter demon and opens the gates of chaos on what was supposed to have been a peaceful night with Emma Xing and the livestream of her Zheng ge, actor-singer and golden-hearted, multi-talented John Zheng.

Incoming Video Call: Estelle Xing

Emma accepts the call on her phone, and props it up on the table with the camera angled at her. She connects her second pair of earphones (won from a secondary school Poetry-in-Motion Competition with her epic poem Blood is a Vein Work of Art-eries) and stuffs the side with the microphone into her right ear. “Mom.”

“Emma. The house has no WiFi. My phone has not enough data to stream Gege’s event.”

“What. Why? Is it the router again? Did you turn it off for thirty seconds and turn it back on again?”

"Yes. Actually, I called Cellularity and they said that they were having a city-wide network issue.”

“Tch. D*mn company. I keep telling you to switch service providers!” Emma pinches the bridge of her nose. “Wait, where’s Gramma? We all know she's the tech-savvy one, shame on you.”

“... She’s with her tai chi group today.”

“What?! I thought that was next week! And how could she miss Gege’s stream?!”

“... They rescheduled because one of their grandsons is getting married next week...”

“... Just... Go to a café or somewhere with WiFi and stream it there. Do you have leftover SundollarsTM gift cards from my last visit?”

Emma’s mom grimaces. “Yes. See, I actually thought of that. I’m at the nearest one.” The camera angle wobbles, and the queue of chattering teenagers at the cashier behind Emma’s mom blips into view for a hot second.  

Emma feels a strange sense of pride well up in her chest. “Mommy! So smart!”

Mommy laughs weakly. “Haha. Ah. Yah. I bought a strawberry shake. And then they told me that SunDollarsTM’s WiFi is actually with Cellularity. All the branches. In the whole city.”

… “Mom. Why is your luck so bad. Also. Why! Are! You! Drinking a strawberry shake! You are diabetic!”

“Almost diabetic! And this is low sugar! And! All my good luck was used up to give birth to you. Emmiee~”

“Don’t Emmie me! Aiyah, hang up hang up, don’t waste your data. I’ll message Danny. He’s with DiGiTellTM, not that bloodsucking Cellularity. You can go leech off his Wifi.”

“Aiyoh, your Danny, how can you do this to him - “

“ByeMomloveyou.” Emma ends the call, and snatches her phone off the table to begin typing at the lightspeed typical of her generation. The baby blue smiley starfish phone charm attached to it smacks her knuckles.

“Um. Pardon me,” Xiqiang coughs politely. Emma’s eyes dart up. “Your earphones weren’t connected properly.”

Oh.  

“Oh. Aaaaaaahahahahahahaha! Ha! Sorry about that! I’ll just...” Emma mumbles and screws in the earphone jack infinitesimally. “... tighten... this. I don’t use this pair very much. I forgot it does that. Sorry.”  

“It is fine.” Xiqiang blinks at her curiously. “Your mother is in WalaysiaTM?”

Emma’s fingers pause in their assault on her phone’s keyboard, brown eyes wide. “How did you know? Oh. Oh of course.” She slaps her forehead. “Our SundollarsTM WiFi here is obviously fine. We obviously don’t have Cellularity here in CanataTM. And yeah, I kind of revert to my accent when I’m with my family. You can tell?”

Xiqiang nods politely. “I see. Well, I do hope that this works out for you and your mother. You seem to be... close?”

Emma beams. “Thanks!” She returns to her phone.

LuckyStar: Danny.

LuckyStar: Danny.

LuckyStar: Danny.

No reply. She frowns.

LuckyStar: Danny DanyDanny. Dannyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Seen by BetterDanU 7.08PM

Emma’s nostrils flare.

LuckyStar: DANNY YOU DIPSTICK WAKE UP WAKEUP I KNOW UR AWAKE EMERGENCY

LuckyStar: DANIEL NG! U WAKE UP OR ILL POST THAT NEW YEARS VIDEO OF U. U KNOW WHICH ONE

BetterDanU: …

BetterDanU: I actually WAS SLEeping because some ppl actually have to WORK friday nite and want to zzz sat morning. 

BetterDanU: Have u not headr of timezones. WHAT DO U WANT  

LuckyStar: Liar, i know ur schedule, u were def not sleeping.

LuckyStar: Gege’s livestream is today!

BetterDanU: … I know. U wouldnt shut up abt it. wat do u want

LuckyStar: Cellularity’s wifi is down all city and mom cant stream it  

BetterDanU: tell her to go to sundollars

LuckyStar: sundollars is w cellularity! 😡

BetterDanU: … bloodsuckers.

LuckyStar: I KNOW. Anyway, mom is at the sundollars near our house. U know which one. Go pick her up n let her use ur wifi pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaz  

BetterDanU: …......… fine.  

LuckyStar: tnx ur the best!

BetterDanU: go away

With that situation handled, Emma neatly bites off one point of her star-shaped cookie, and turns her eyes back to her laptop screen. 36 minutes to go.  

Score: Emma – 1; Universe – 0.

The Universe decides to try again.

Incoming Video Call: Emily Xing

Emma slowly swipes across her phone screen after triple-checking that her earphones are 100% plugged in.  

“... Hi Gramma.”

“Emma!” Several ladies’ heads of various artificial shades of red, brown and black bob into view behind Emma’s grandmother’s face on Emma’s phone. “Why can’t we log in to your VooDooTM account on Mimi’s computer?”  

“... Gramma, did you all reschedule your tai chi group to watch Gege’s stream together using my VIP account which you definitely bragged about to them?”

“Emily, we kowtow! Your Emma is the best!” hollers one of the ladies. Emma’s grandmother preens.

Gramma, Emma despairs, why are you so Asian?

“Emmie~”

Emma closes her eyes and mutters, “Don’t Emmie me...”

“We have VooDooTM open on my laptop, but there is seven of us and one laptop is not enough! Mimi’s computer cannot access the page! It says – it says – what does it say?!” Emma’s grandmother yells.  

“This content is not available in your country!” Aunty Mimi yells back from somewhere behind.

Emma sighs in exasperation, “Gramma, they’ll need to install a VPN. Do you remember how we did it on your computer?”

Emma’s grandmother is stunningly silent for a solid three seconds, and shakes her head. Emma sighs again. “What’s the address?”

One minute later:

LuckyStar: Danny danny danny

LuckyStar: is everytng ok w mom?

BetterDanU: yeah, shes taken over my living room and tv I hooked up to the comp.  

BetterDanU: Shes drinkin a poisonous lppking pink drink and eating those giant star cookies they hv. Theyre not going to last until the end of the dtream.

LuckyStar: … wait.

LuckyStar: wHAT COOKIES. Get them away frm her, shes almost diabetic!

BetterDanU: how can someone be slmost diabetic???

BetterDanU: … she says its low sugar. theyre actually rpetty good.

BetterDanU: *pretty  

LuckyStar: u traitor! and of all the typos to correct!

BetterDanU: ….......

LuckyStar: anyway, DANNY I NEED UR HELP ITS ANOTHER EMERGENCY

BetterDanU: what now

LuckyStar: dont tell mom this,  

BetterDanU: oh? gossip?

LuckyStar: but gramma is with her taichi grp now and theyre trying to stream Gege’s event on two computers but the second one wont work becz they need vpn on that one  

BetterDanU: Wow. brutal gramma.

LuckyStar: danny pleeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaase can u go help them install the vpn  

LuckyStar: pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase 🥺🥺🥺

BetterDanU: ….............  

BetterDanU: where r they

Twenty-ish minutes and one VPN install and seven impressed old ladies and one harrassed Daniel Ng later, Emma daintily bites off the second point of her star cookie.  

Emma – 2; Universe – 0.

Xiqiang sips her tea quietly as Emma narrates this second victory to her, and then digresses into hero-worshipping multi-talented, golden-hearted John Zheng.  

Emma swoons. “We all stan him so much across multiple generations! Sure, he’s eye candy, but you know what, even I can admit that, objectively, he’s not the best looking. No but!” She sucks in some of her frappe to quickly rehydrate, “Even though his eyes are not 100% symmetrical, you know they’re 100% real! Can’t say the same about everyone else! Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And! Even though his teeth aren’t 100% perfect... You should see his smile! Oh! My! Heart!” She clutches said heart. “So genuine! Like a bunny! And most of all, that VOICE! That BRAIN! And that HEART!”

Xiqiang tilts her head slightly in what is definitely interest.

“You should watch his songs and dramas and his interviews! He’s really mature, has a charming sort of wisdom, and he really understands his characters. He works so, so hard, and he’s super nice to everyone, even his janitors! And even his haters! Like, what the heck!” A deep sigh. “He is. The Best Guy. In the Universe.”

And thus, the Universe’s third Attempt at utter buffoonery manifests itself in the yet another round of buzzing of Emma’s Very Tired phone. Emma slowly slumps in her seat. Xiqiang’s almond eyes flick to the poor phone, and she excuses herself as she returns to her own laptop for business-y exorcist stuff.

Emma breathes in. Very Deeply. And returns to her Very Tired phone.

Alicia: Hi Emma!

Alicia: Its been a while. I hope you are well!

Emma scrolls up to check the last conversation she had with Alicia. Eight months ago, when they had exchanged the obligatory birthday wishes, and then slinked back to their respective lives until the next birthday.

It’s a bit sad, actually. Emma and a handful of secondary school friends had once been pretty tight, having gone through the horrors of academia and adolescence together. But ever since graduation, everyone had sort of just... drifted apart. With the exception of Danny, practically everyone she knew and was close to had gone on to different cities and even countries to pursue tertiary education in fields so varied you would wonder how everyone had even managed to grow up together in the same academic cohort forced to take up certain courses due to the way their country’s totally not flawed educational system had been structured because of course everyone absolutely agrees on the complete relevance to real life that is inherent in subjects such as Physics and Geography and Moral Studies (which, in all fairness, would be considered a fairly necessary subject especially in today’s society, had it not been based on pure rote memorisation of the regimented definitions of pre-determined moral values instead of critically applying said moral values in the written scenarios thrown to them every exam) and flippin’ dipsticky CALCULUS and and and -  

And we digress.

Emma: Alicia! It’s been a while!  

Emma: How may I help u?  

Alicia: Heehee. 😇

Alicia: iirc, I think u mentioned that u got a VIP VooDooTM account?

Emma: … Alicia you leech! Go buy ur own account!  

Alicia: im poor and u know it!

Emma: We’re millennials! We're all poor!

Emma: go upgrade with a 30 day free trial. Then just unsubscribe after.

Alicia: I can’t. 😭 I did it before and ti remembers my email add and wont let me do it again.  

Alicia: *it  *won’t

Emma: Then use another email add! We’re millennials! Who doesn’t have a back up email account?  

Alicia: I did! I used up my JmailTM, insightTM, innet, etc etc accounts last year  

Emma: Use ur parents’!  

Alicia: I did! They were  

Alicia: Confused when they got the notifs but thank goodness they thought it was Junk 😊  

Emma: … Girl, how much drama do you watch on there.

Alicia: Too much. Im in too many fandoms.  

Alicia: EMMA PLEASE! It's just to watch John Zhengs promo livestream for The Fox today! I swear I will not misuse ur account!  

Alicia: One day when I have money, I swear I will buy my own account.  

Emma: That is a lie and we both know it.

Alicia: 🤐

Emma remembers their shared afternoons of literal tears after every Calculus test they barely passed, and curses her soft heart as she gives Alicia her user name and password in an act of benevolence which she somehow has a feeling she will come to regret.

Alicia: Thank you sm. U rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Emma: Its so u don’t get desperate enough to do anytng illegal.

Alicia: We both know im not that smart lol  

Emma: We are legal! And scrupulous!

Emma: For Zheng ge!

Alicia: For Zheng ge!  

“John Zheng seems to have an unusually loyal fanbase,” Xiqiang comments from behind her laptop. Emma nods absent-mindedly. She has barely bitten off the third point of her star cookie when her Very Very Tired phone begins buzzing again.  

Incoming Video Call: BetterDanU 

No longer keeping track of her score with the Universe, Emma sinks lower into her chair under Xiqiang’s intrigued gaze, and weakly answers her phone, “Hello?”

She does not expect her grandmother’s distraught face under the profile name of BetterDanU: “Emmie! Why can’t we log into your account with another computer? It says that – that – Danny ah, what does it say?”

Emma nearly spits out blood. “How many devices are you trying to log into?!” Her hard-earned, greatly coveted VIP account that no one else seemed to want to buy for themselves allowed simultaneous sign-ins to a maximum of ten different devices, a feature that was absolutely necessary for the three generations of the Xing family.  

“Mimi’s daughters and granddaughters came downstairs and heard about Zheng ge’s livestream. Two laptops are not enough for all of us, so of course we had to get more!”

Emma sends a silent thank you to Danny who by now must be an expert on VPN installations. Speaking of which. 

“Danny, you there? Just sign up for a free 30-day trial account. And don’t forget to unsubscribe later.”

“I did.” Danny’s muffled voice sounds admirably calm, but there is definitely the subtlest note of misery in it. “Aunty Mimi’s granddaughter invited her neighbourhood friends to watch the stream, and we are out of accounts.”

“How! Many! Computers?!”  

Emma thinks she hears a suspicious clearing of the throat from Xiqiang that may or may not have been a laugh. Emma locks eyes with her in despair.

There is a tiny, tiny curl of Xiqiang’s lips as she casually remarks, “I am done with my e-mails for the day, and would like to relax with some form of entertainment. VooDooTM seems to have quite the selection of highly rated dramas like you advertised so eagerly to me earlier, and I have been told that there will be a promotional livestream this evening for the much-anticipated... The Fox?” There is definitely a sparkle in those almond eyes. “I thought it might interest you to know that I have decided to watch this livestream, and will do so on my newly purchased VIP account, the user details of which -” she slides over a SundollarsTM napkin covered in the prettiest handwriting Emma has ever had the good fortune to lay her bloodshot eyes on, “ - are written here.”

Emma stares at her with now goo-goo eyes. “Xiqiang! You are a literal angel!”  

“Xi-what? Who are you with?” Danny’s head pops into view next to Gramma’s gleeful face.  

“Danny! I’m hanging up! I’ll send you a new user account info you guys can use!” 

“What -” his calm façade is definitely slipping.

Emma does not hear the curious titters of “Xiqiang? Wah! What an intimidating name!” “Who would dare to name their son Xiqiang?”  “Must be very strong!” “Must be very shuai!” as she chirps in reply, “A professional exorcist, your saviour, and my new bf!”

A delicate clink of a white plate ladened with fresh chocolate chip muffins jerks Emma’s eyes up from her phone. “Oh, a snack for the stream? Xiqiang, did you order this? You shouldn’t have!”

Xiqiang leans forward to divide the muffins evenly. “It is fine.”

Danny chokes on the other line, “What what what -”

“Now don’t bother me anymore, Zheng ge’s livestream is going to start. Check your message! I’ll send you the info! See you later! Bye, Gramma! Bye, Aunties! Enjoy the stream! Zheng ge fighting!”

LuckyStar: [photo attached]

LuckyStar: Isn’t that THE prettiest handwriting you have ever seen?

LuckyStar: Oh, but if you can’t read it, the login name is YXQ_Gege  

LuckyStar: and password is LuckyStar123

LuckyStar: wow. what a sense of humour.

LuckyStar: Anyway! U seriously rock! Thanks Danny! I owe u my life!

LuckyStar: Aunty mimi makes seriously good cakes, so u might as well stay.  

LuckyStar: And remember, don’t tell mom!!!

BetterDanU: WHO IS XIQIANG AND WHY IS HIS PASSWORD UR USERNAME

The star cookie is decimated as Emma congratulates herself on a job well done against the schemes of the Universe. Her laptop screen is flooded with comments when John Zheng’s shy smile fades into view as the livestream finally, finally begins.  

“Gege!” Emma whisper-squeals. “You can’t hear me and you don’t know I exist! But! You will not believe the night I’ve just had! Your face heals my eyes and your heart heals my soul!” She silences her desperately buzzing phone.

Xiqiang breathes in deeply, and lets herself smile for the first time in a very long time. After an unusual evening of using the Skytrain for the first time, encountering a low-levelled spirit which the Council had not thought to Cleanse, meeting the most interesting Class Three medium who was currently hugging her backpack as she immersed herself in a long-awaited livestream of a clearly beloved celebrity who she had taken great pains to introduce Xiqiang to, and putting the tiniest dent in her bank account to sign up for a VooDooTM account for various reasons, Xiqiang relaxes in her chair, and does not let herself think about tomorrow.

Character Profiles

1. Emma Xing Qixin

Emma is derived from the Germanic word ermen meaning "whole" or "universal". Emma is also used as a diminutive of Emmeline, Amelia or any other name beginning with "em".

  星 (Xīng): star

运气 (Yùnqì): luck

欣 (Xīn): happy

Height: 154 cm; 5.05 ft | 159 cm (error; there is a story behind this)

Tools: Several reuseable shopping bags, backpack, blond cyborg keychain, laptop, secondhand phone, baby blue smiley starfish charm bought by her mom Estelle and customised further by her grandmother Emily

2. Xiqiang

希望 (Xīwàng): hope

强度 (Qiángdù): strength

For the sake of this story, “Xiqiang” is considered a very masculine name.

Height: 179 cm; 5.87 ft

Tools: Laptop, traditional calligraphy brush set, angled-tip pen set, normal ballpoint pen set

3. Estelle Xing  

Estelle is a female given name of Latin origin, and means star.

星 (Xīng): star

Yes, her name literally means Star Star.

Emma Xing’s mother. Has rather bad luck. She admits that, although her daughter can drive her up the wall, she is her greatest blessing and happiness.

4. Daniel Ng

Daniel is a masculine given name and a surname of Hebrew origin. It means "God is my judge".

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Ng (pronounced [ŋ̍]; English approximation often /ɪŋ/ or /ɛŋ/) is a Cantonese transliteration of the Chinese surnames 吳/吴 (Mandarin Wú) and 伍 (Mandarin Wǔ). Alternately, it is a common Hokkien transcription of the name 黃/黄 (Pe̍h-ōe-jī: N̂ɡ, Mandarin Huáng).

Emma Xing’s errand boy. And former classmate. The real MVP.

5. Emily Xing

Emily: "rival" or industrious and hardworking, comes from the Latin name Aemilia.

星 (Xīng): star

Emma Xing’s grandmother. Is more techno-savvy than her daughter/Emma’s mother Estelle Xing. Story behind that TBA.

6. Alicia  

Alicia means “of noble kind/sort/type” (from Germanic “adal” = noble + “heit” = kind/sort/type).

Emma Xing’s friend from secondary school. They have both narrowly passed Calculus exams together, which cannot be said for all their classmates.

7. John Zheng

The name John is a theophoric name originating from the Hebrew name יוֹחָנָן‎ (Yôḥānān), or in its longer form יְהוֹחָנָן‎ (Yəhôḥānān), meaning "YHWH has been gracious".

战争 (Zhànzhēng): war

Author is now too lazy to come up with a Chinese name, thank you very much.

Author’s Notes

Character profiles will not be written for every single character because ain’t nobody got time for that. They will be updated as the story progresses. If I have the discipline to actually write this dang story. \o/

This is just a test run. I have not truly touched creative writing in a very, very long time, and have sadly lost many different characters and plot bunnies over the years as I never had the will to just put pen to paper, or finger to keyboard. And neither have I ever tried tackling anything this ambitious, if you can call this ambitious. (Well, actually, I did make a pathetic attempt at a novel ten or so years ago, and reading THAT draft just made me cringe and shrivel up and die on the inside. Which will probably happen to this fic in ten years’ time? \o/ )  

Oh my gosh, I’m so tired of formatting this now. Please excuse any typos because I just. Cannot. 

If you somehow stumbled across this fic and read until the end, bless your heart, bless your eyes, and thank you for reading!

#DSESMSS #Documentation on a Silver Exorcist A Small Medium A Smiling Siren et al. #Documentation #fic #words #writing #my writing #detentio mea #do not copy to another site #don't copy to another site #derp #maya-net

[friday-ocean]

Coffee With Sugar

Summary: An evening alone with Clint in the Avengers Tower promises to be especially quiet and cosy. If there wasn't a question burning on your tongue. Pairing: Clint Barton x Reader Warnings: Dirty Talk, Smut (+18) Prompt: “Pour Some Sugar On Me” by Def Leppard Authors Note: Wrote for @acciosnapes Writing Challenge!

~*~*~*~*~

10.43 p.m., Friday. One of those nights where nothing's going on TV. Nearly 1000 programs, Pay-Tv and all kinds of internet games, but no real interest in anything. Was it perhaps due to the variety of possibilities? Was the choice just too big? Never mind. It doesn't change the situation anyway, so why even think about it?

The warm scent of fresh coffee fills the modern kitchen with adjoining living room in the Avengers Tower. Despite the late hour, Clint and you had decided to have a cup of coffee. Even though they didn't think of sleep afterwards, the temptation was simply too great. You also wanted to take full advantage of the empty living room. How often have you had the opportunity? Tony and Bruce hadn't left their lab since last night, Sam, Steve and Bucky were on a mission and Natasha, just back from Russia, had been lying in the bathtub for hours warming up.

The coffee machine released a cloud of hot steam into the air and you take out the two large cups. "Sugar?" "Yes, darling?" "No. I don't mean that. Do you want sugar in your coffee? Clint turns his head so he can see you over the edge of the sofa, a mischievous grin on his face and laugh lines around his eyes: "Pour some sugar in it." You follow his wish and return to the sofa with the cups. "Hopefully you know I would have kicked your ass a long time ago if you weren't so incredibly sweet."

Thanksgiving Clint accepts the cup and takes a big sip: "Now you finally understand why I always want sugar in my coffee". Smiling, you lie back on the sofa, your head in Clint's lap. Cozy silence lies over you again, interrupted only by screaming or music from the TV. At some point you pick up your cell phone again while Clint keeps zapping through the channels. A blog entry in a women's magazine soon arouses your interest and you start reading. Not that you value the latest gossip or are always looking for new diet tips, but at least this promises to be more entertaining.

"What do you actually want to do again during sex?” Clint almost spat the sip of hot coffee out again, so surprised is he by your suddenly delicate question. Coughing, he tries to answer you: "What makes you think that?" You hold your cell phone up and Clint takes it out of your little fingers. Curiously he reads the first few lines: "Betrayed! That's what men really want in bed - but they don't dare to ask for it!"

Without asking you, Clint drops your phone on the other side of the sofa, far enough away from you. "Don't believe everything you read on the Internet." His eyes are on the TV again, a man in a bright suit tries to sell 'the best vacuum cleaner ever'. You raise your eyes, but from your lying position you see only Clint's chin and Adam's apple. "I don't believe anything on the internet. But you can talk about it! So, what do you want to do in bed - or maybe somewhere else?" You wiggle your eyebrows, your look mischievous.

Clint clears his throat that his Adam's apple is starting to hop. A slight blush forms on his cheeks, which you can only guess. Has Clint always been so shy? "You really don't want to talk to me about it, do you?" You pull your eyebrows together and don't let Clint's chin out of your sight. He had put his arm on your belly, his hand stroking along your side. "Why are you so eager to question me? Why don't you say what you want?

"All right, if you want," you put your hand on his arm, squeeze a little. Finally, Clint looks at you and you smile at him cheekily. Clint would never admit it, but that smile had thrown him right out of his shoes the first time. Of course, you're clever, funny, athletic, brave and funny too, the full dream girl package, but that smile is so unique and challenging that he'd fall right out of his shoes - if he had any on. "I want sex in the shower, or in the bathtub. I don't mind in Tony's whirlpool or under a lawn sprinkler down in the garden. Somewhere where we really get wet." "That's all?" You can clearly hear Clint's amazement in his voice and twist your eyes. "What does 'everything' mean here? It's about what we would like to do. And in a relationship like ours we should be able to talk about it - and it doesn't matter how strange or wacky our wishes are." When you admitted that you were in a relationship, Clint's stomach made a daredevil somersault. He almost had the worry that you would even feel it.

Clint thinks about his next words carefully: "I thought it was great when you sat on me a few weeks ago... and then you moved so much... up and down...", the last part of the sentence you almost didn't understand, Clint's voice became so quiet. "Well, look. If you hadn't said that now, I wouldn't have done it again. You were so quiet afterwards that I was already worried that I didn't like it! Clint snorts and pours his head: "I liked it so much that I just didn't have any air to tell you afterwards. And not enough blood in my big brain to make it clear."

A big grin scurries across your face. The memory of that night is still truly fresh. Soon you will surely take advantage of his confession. "If I can ride you like that again, I want to try it in the other direction." "You mean that I look at your ass?", at this performance Clint's eyes become very big. "Don't you want that," you sit up and look at him, surprised.

"Yes! I absolutely want that!” Gently Clint puts his long arms around your waist, pulls you onto his lap that your legs are left and right of his. "I love to see your ass, to stroke it, to knead it. If you knew what I wanted to do with your sweet ass..." You get even closer to him, your nose tips touch - finally you have him where you wanted him to be. "Then just tell me what you want to do with my sweet ass...", you purr against Clint's lips.

Below you feel Clint's muscles tense, his best friend pressing against your center. His hands glide lower from your waist, his fingers wander behind the cuff of your panties. "I want...", Clint's voice breaks away, his eyes scurrying wildly over your face. Behind his big pupils you can see what he wants to do with you. You put your arms around his neck, you scratch his neck. "Tell me..." you breathe and circle your hips over his penis in his sweatpants.

Clint gasps and squeezes his eyes tightly. You will still be responsible for his early death... "I want..." he starts again, sliding his hands deeper into your pants. His rough palms of his hands are stroking your soft buttocks and you shudder. His hands stroke so low that the waistband of your pants slides over your buttocks. He pulls your yoga pants and panties lower so that your bottom is free. It takes some acrobatic skill and you sit naked back on Clint's lap, your legs at his side again. Your spread legs allow Clint to see your pussy. His smile gets even wider, little wrinkles form around his pretty mouth.

You press your middle again on Clint’s covered penis to draw his attention back to you. "Answer me. Then maybe I'll allow you to touch my pussy," you say decisively. Clint rumbles and grabs you again, his fingers squeezing into your soft buttocks - his gaze piercing yours, his jaw tense. "I want... your sweet ass in the air. Your cheeks all red, from my blows..."

Heat rises in you and you are sure that a wet stain has formed on Clint's sweatpants. You already want to interrupt him and push his reward towards him, but Clint's grip becomes even tighter. In the morning you will surely find bruises on your cheeks. "You'll be all wet. So wet that your pussy drips. You'll beg me to stuff my hard penis into you." Whimpering you cling to Clint's neck. Again, you let your hip circle, demand friction against your clitoris. The tension in you becomes stronger and stronger.

"You have to beg - earn my cock. I will not be considerate. I push into you. Over and over again. So deep. You will moan, whine, beg. But I won't care." Clint's voice is nothing more than a deep rumble. His abdominal and leg muscles tremble with tension. His prick is hard under you and presses painfully against your middle, a big wet patch has formed on his jogging pants. "Your buttocks will tremble and shake. Still quite red from my blows. And then... With another deep blow I come into you - hot and as deep as never before in your life..."

The tension in you dissolves explosively in you - your muscles cramp together painfully before they slacken completely. Panting and moaning, you fall limply against Clint's body. Your juices stick to your labia, to the inside of your legs and the stain on Clint's pants is huge. His hands gently stroke your maltreated skin. Exhausted you try to wrestle for breath.

"If we're gonna be so open with each other..." Clint puts his forehead to yours, his voice is rough and breathless. "I don't like sugar in my coffee at all!“

 ~ Fin ~

#bell’s 2.5k challenge #my writing #clint barton #clint barton x reader #clint barton x you #clint barton smut #marvel #smut

[ncvxks]

hello here’s my second intro!! let the wine induced mess commence!!

[ CHARLES MELTON / ARETE / EUPHROSYNE / MUSE 29 ] / [ SPENCER NOVAK ] is a [ TWENTY-TWO ] year old [ MUSIC EDUCATION ] major. [ HE ] is known for being [ AMIABLE & CAPTIVATING ] but [ PASSIVE & NAIVE ]. when i think of them, i imagine [ MESSY PILES OF SHEET MUSIC, BUTTON-UPS WITH ROLLED UP SLEEVES, HALF-FINISHED MUGS OF COFFEE ]. and even though they’re a proud HU student now, we all have our roots. theirs run back to them being a [ MHP (AQUA) ] graduate. i asked around and it turns out they [ ARE ] an AOP student. in their interview, they managed to woo the admissions team by [ WRITING HIS OWN INSTRUMENTAL ARRANGEMENT OF CAKE BY THE OCEAN AND SHOWING A VIDEO OF HIM PLAYING EVERY PART ]. i guess that’s all there is to know! unless… [ mels / 28 / cst / she/her ]

BASIC INFO

full name: spencer ryan novak

birth date: october 3rd

pronouns: he/him

hometown: seattle, washington

sexuality: heterosexual (bicurious??)

height: 6′4″

eye color: brown

hair color: dark brown

build: lean

tattoos: none

piercings: none

style: used to just be graphic tees with loser sayings on it, but since being in the spotlight he’s had to up his game. now he’s got nice, tailored button-ups and jeans that show off his ass. it’s like queer eye came and fixed him

favorite color: green

favorite food: everything

zodiac: libra sun, sagittarius moon, libra rising

mbti: enfj

hogwarts house: hufflepuff

enneagram: type 2 wing 3

temperament: sanguine-phlegmatic

alignment: neutral good

RAMBLING MESS OF FACTS

ok so spence is literally the cutest fckin NERD like?????????????

in high school he was a band geek like we’re talkin first chair trumpet (he can play like every instrument tho)

he owned marching band lbr

and stood out on the field bc he’s a fcKIN GIANT

so he started at hatchet u to study music education and become the band director he was always meant to be

then america’s next top model started adding guys and his housemates told him to audition????

so he’s like #YOLO and w o w he made the cut!!!!!!

he wasn’t one of the ppl who started out super strong or super weak he was just kinda in the middle of the pack???

then they did the commercials and he fckin OWNED IT bc he has so much personality and it rly came through there !!!!

so now he’s actually In It and he just kept climbing the ranks but his walk was still kinda bad???

all that marching band training didn’t prepare him for runway lbr

so he didn’t win but the winners always disappear anyway so it’s ok!!!

he was gonna just go back to college and finish his degree but after his exposure on antm he was a hot commodity so he got an agent !!! and started doing small roles in movies and stuff!!

but his heart was still with music so he returned to hatchet u and continued his studies (tho he’s a lil behind now, since he was off being mr hollywood)

ok so that’s his story now a few more things

tyra made him get in shape while on the show bc he was this skinny lanky BITCH and that wasn’t gonna work (she didn’t want him to get too muscular tho bc that’s not gr8 for models)

he’s a big giant teddy bear and just wants ppl to be happy and hates confrontation akjdfhlds

super trusting so he’s easy manipulated prOTECT HIM

wants ppl to stop asking him if he wants to be on top

even tho he seems like an innocent baby he’s not lmao

definitely got some action in hs bc he was the hottest guy in marching band LMAO

seems like a player bc he’s dated a lot of people but he just loves love???? serial monogmaist??? Hopeless Romantic™????????????

probably gets his heart broken a lot but it’s ok bc his soulmate is out there somewhere !!!

seriously stop asking him if he wants to be on top

wants to be friends w everyone

literally he is still friends w every person he’s ever dated and it causes problems w whoever he’s currently dating LMFAO

always eating

IMPORTANT THING: he has diabetes and his Big Memorable Moment™ on antm was him passing out after a late shoot bc his blood sugar got too low

HE JUST WANTED TO PUSH THROUGH SO HE WOULDN’T GET ELIMINATED OK

(it’s still one of the top ten most shocking moments in antm history)

ok wanted connections????

one of the girls he’s dated (he’s only dated girls in the past but is lowkey bicurious) (def has sucked a dick before tho)

friends be his friend!!!!!!!!!!

someone he can talk music w

flirtationship

someone who has an unrequited crush on him

someone he has an unrequited crush on

a bad influence

someone he’s a good influence on

someone he’s the emergency contact of (since he doesn’t drink/do drugs bc it messes w his blood sugar levels) and he’s always going to pick their ass up

he also drives the sober cab on campus so someone who’s one of his regulars???

idk????????? hit the heart and i’ll come at u!!

#hatchet:intro

[sapphicpositivity]

So when I was 16 I was in a theatre class & I was partnered with this boy for a kissing scene & I didn’t like him at all but I was Totally Straight ™ he just wasn’t my type and I didn’t want my first kiss to be with him and that’s obviously why I literally threw up at the thought of having to kiss him! I mean, who doesn’t throw up at the prospect of their first kiss with a boy! Anyways, my friend (who I def had a crush looking back on it) said she’d teach me how to stage kiss! And for a stage kiss one person cups the other’s face but puts their thumb on the other’s lips and then they “kiss” the thumb. So she cupped my face & put her thumb on my lips & then as she went in for the “kiss”,,,, my knees actually fuckin,,,, buckled underneath me,,,, like just the thought of (stage) kissing this girl caused me to physically become light headed and fall over, but I was def straight! Only into boys obviously! Never would wanna date a girl! And I played it off as having low blood sugar & being stressed but I’m all reality I was just gay & stupid

[rodentblood]

oof still getting over my last big flare up and already starting to feel the start of another one mMMMMM

good fantastic

at the very least I managed to talk with my endocrinologist and have set up some new setting on my insulin pump so at least I’m not getting as many low blood sugars as before which is really helping me stay less fatigued after work

I didn’t even have to take a nap today which was really surprising!!

I also finally got a tentative name for my secondary autoimmune disease I still need to go to a rheumatologist to get it confirmed by I think it’s scleroderma?? or CREST or something like that I dunno like I said it need to get it confirmed but given the info I have,  the one particular positive test I got points directly to it and my endocrinologist told me it def explains all my symptoms and she was honestly surprised I was holding up so well with such a high positive test 

she also really helped put my mind at ease with me thinking it’s all in my head which it’s not

this is all real and the pain and fatigue isn’t just some sort of laziness or some other bs it’s a real thing and I shouldn’t be ashamed about it (although honestly I still very much am :’’u) 

thankfully when she heard I had to wait til next year to see a rheumatologist she managed to work some things out and hopefully I’ll be getting an appointment set up by next month

soon I should have a proper diagnosis and hopefully get started on some form of treatment which will hopefully help my quality of life 

surprisingly depression hasn’t affected me as badly during this time

I’m doing my best to stay positive and keep moving forward and with all this new info I just 

I’m hopeful that soon I can start living days where I’m not in as much pain  I know it’s too much to ask for the pain to go away entirely but if I can just have it a tad less I think that’d make a huge difference

#this has been a personal post #--medical bs #tldr is I'm in a lot of pain right now but I'm hopefully that I'll soon get a proper diagnosis and will be on the road to treatment soon #things are bleary right now but at least I've got that sliver of hope residing in me just gotta keep clinging onto it for dear life

[viktorbezic]

Lessons on Creativity from Rick Rubin

Rick Rubin is arguably one of the greatest producers of all time based on the number of hit albums produced. With a track record of not only popularizing new genres but also reviving artists and bands of the past by producing in a wide variety of genres. In my mind, the creative lessons learned not only transcend music genres but creative disciplines as well. His production credits are too numerous to list and span the gamut of metal to country and include: The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Jay-Z, AC/DC, Slayer, Neil Diamond, Johnny Cash, Tom Petty and Heartbreakers, Rage Against the Machine, Frank Ocean and the list goes on. I’ve made it a personal exercise to try and extract patterns or core principles that lead to his creative success from a doing a deep dive into his career through Jake Brown’s Rick Rubin in The Studio. The lessons learned are found below. They serve as reminders for me but hopefully are useful to others.

1. All aspects of your life fuel your creative output.

“My production style involves being in tune with everything. You can’t do it by listening to music. Pro-wrestling is really important. Movies. You know, everything. You have to make records the way that you live your life.” - Rick Rubin (1)

Your lifestyle contributes to your creativity. The rooms you sit in, the places you eat, the things you see, the media you consume, your routine and the people you talk to all have an influence on you and have the ability to spark something new. The act of creating is in large part a focused act. One of doing. But time away from work is critical as well. It creates the space for you to reflect and get a different perspective. You become the sum of influences. But sometimes you can’t do through sheer work alone. Sometimes you need time away from the work to make new connections. This is what Rubin is referring to when he says, “you can’t do it by listening to music.” In Wired to Create the author Scott Barry Kaufman describes how solitude leads to creative breakthroughs. As Kaufman states, science has confirmed that solitary reflection feeds the creative mind. Isolation is needed to reflect, make new connections and find meaning. Kaufman highlights some of the reclusive activities of filmmakers, writers, and philosophers seeking refuge in remote cabins to create from Swedish filmmaker Ingmar Bergman to philosopher Martin Heidegger (2).

Another factor Kaufman highlights that lead to creative breakthroughs is an openness to new experiences. Kaufman references studies that show a higher correlation between openness and total creative achievement over other traditional characteristics such as IQ and divergent thinking (3). Having a singular focus may make your work feel one dimensional. By using your whole life to help influence your work the higher chance of originality.  Rarely are our interests singular, and it’s tough to place the various aspects of ourselves into silos. By embracing all of your influences, you’re able to channel a distinct point of view which shows up in your work.

2. If it’s a team effort, you have to like the people you work with.

The starting point for all of Rubin’s work is whether or not he has a healthy relationship with the artist. “I have to really like them as people first and foremost.” It can’t only be about the music. He really cares about what kind of people the artists are and what’s going on in their lives. He uses these inputs to evaluate whether or not they should collaborate (4). It sounds, but when tensions arise from pressure like a project deadline, poor team dynamics lead to the team's demise. The parallel here is also don’t work with assholes or be an asshole yourself.

Many creative partnerships start around mutually shared interests and a curiosity about the other collaborators. Someone’s project may hit you in the right way. You might reach out and ask how they produced the work and what their process is etc. I like the idea the conceptual artist and hacker Ryder Ripps puts it, "Those are the best kinds of friends to make, the ones that are around shared projects and interests” (5).

It’s hard to imagine any team that hates each other going the distance and doing great work. It happens on occasion. An example that comes to mind is A Tribe Called Quest. When they made the Love Movement they hated each other. And it’s arguably their worst album. It wasn’t a total write off, but it didn’t compare to the Low-End Theory and other records they had early on when they were more of a cohesive unit.

3. It’s not about what you can add, but you can take away.

With any creative project, the things that you don’t do are just as important as the things that you do. Rubin is a long time fan of AC/DC, he was drawn to them by their simple guitar riffs. It had a profound impact on how he thought about music. Rubin focused on simplicity with all of his artists and peeled away any unnecessary parts to get to the essence of an artist's music. As an example, when producing Electric for The Cult, he asked Billy Duffy to not use any effects on guitar solos. He’d tell Duffy “Play it clean, man; use a Les Paul, no effects.” (6). Bassist Jimmy Stewart also mentioned, “we stripped off all the surface clutter and got down to what we are really all about.” (7).

When Rubin helped the Red Hot Chili Peppers with Blood Sugar Sex Magic, Flea remarked, “On the majority of rock records you don’t hear a guitar or drums or bass. You hear a bunch of processed synthesized shit. That’s all because it’s a wall of sound…a recording studio creation. This record is very minimal, and it’s very live. When I hear it, I get a picture of a hand hitting a guitar, a string vibrating. This is four guys playing music. That took us a while to learn to do. There are so many options in the studio, you’ve got to know what you want. We were real careful not do anything unless it helped the song, which meant keeping that ‘band feel’ all the time."

My key takeaway, if something doesn’t feel right, trying to improve it with effects won’t work. Instead, we should be digging down deeper to find what better resonates with our tastes. By avoiding creating a wall of sound, the Red Hot Chili Peppers honed in on what really made a song great in their minds. It’s about peeling away the things that aren’t necessary. This can apply to any creative discipline. IE. Simplifying a design, editing down our writing, etc. As Antoine Saint Expury famously stated, “Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.”

4. Don’t get stuck in a ‘genre.’

Rubin continually pushed himself to work with all different kinds of artists and music genres. From Rap and Heavy Metal to Country. His guiding principle was to operate on the fringes. He was into both Rap and Punk in the 80s because at the time they weren’t mainstream and there was a lot of room for experimentation and defining the sound (8). He started with hip-hop producing for both Run DMC and the Beastie Boys. Then he had success producing for The Cult which he followed up by producing for Slayer and Danzig. Creative differences with his Def Jam partner Russell Simmons forced him to create a new label. Instead of turning Def Jam into something it wasn’t. He decided to leave Def Jam and moved to the west coast to form Def American for all his other musical endeavors outside of hip-hop. Guiding principles for Rubin were vital, including a feel for music regardless of genre. It was about getting to the heart of an artist, and their music was about.

I’ve interpreted this as an example of being open and pursuing the things that feel right to you. If you feel like you’re not growing or stuck within a style, defined by you or not, it’s important to experiment outside of those boundaries. It’s effortless to do what you know and get complacent. Or take gigs to do X thing because you’ve done it fifty other times before. I’m not saying jump around and change your aesthetic or voice every week. You should definitely try to master a work style and hone in your voice in a focused way. Once it becomes routine, a change is required to maintain continued growth. A core philosophy or point of view that you can take with you across projects no matter how varied they may be. For Rubin, it was production by reduction and bringing mainstream sensibility and organization to music that’s on fringes or forgotten.  

5. Produce a lot of work and mine for ‘hits.’

This is definitely not a new idea, but to produce good work, you need to create a lot of it. It’s rare that you get a hit from producing only a small handful of things. A volume of work is required to not only build up your skill set but to actually start finding things that work. It also gives you way more material to recombine and reshape. Ultimately, after long sprints of creativity, you need a period of time edit and curate. You can’t jump into editing from the onset as you might not have enough output to play with. You also might squash new ideas by editing too early.

Rubin’s approach is to get artists to write at least 30 songs to be able to have 10 that are album worthy. If a band only writes 10 songs the chances are only 2 are album worthy. He encourages songwriting because the artists are in fact writers, and writers write. It’s the homework that needs to be done before you get to the studio. You need to know you have great material before getting to the studio. The studio is for performing and not writing. When Rubin produced Californication for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, he had them write a ton of songs, around 30 to 40. Followed by heavy practice during the spring and summer, so they knew exactly what they needed to do when they got to the studio (9).

I’ve rarely come up with a great idea without writing down hundreds of ideas. On top of that, it gets you into a rhythm and flow versus editing too early. Editing too soon can easily result in writer's block.

6. Technical skill doesn’t always trump substance and taste.

The designer Ben Pieratt turned me on to a concept he adopted from the book cover designer Peter Mendelsund which he calls “special wrongness.” It’s the quality of something that’s slightly off that makes it memorable or gives it a unique character. He used it in the context of creating a name for a company, but I feel the concept works for any form of creative output. When we try to perfect something, smooth out its rough edges or refine it to death, we smooth away some of its original voice and character. Rubin doesn’t focus on the technical skills it takes to produce a track but searches for what he finds unique in song. It usually the unique quirks or what others would perceive as mistakes that are part of the artist’s individual expression (10).

Most of the studios Rubin works in were built in the 50’s or 60’s. He believes their sound is superior to a modern studio that is appropriately spec’d out and perfected. He describes these studios as follows, “before they were kind of magically, with smoke and mirrors, made to sound good by people with good ears. Now everything is computer generated. Now it’s perfect, but there’s no vibe at all…” (11).  Bad vocals can be pitch corrected. You can argue that these corrections don’t make the work any better, depending on your definition of ‘better’. I guess the key whether or not there’s something worth correcting in the first place. Rubin goes on to state, “I do not know how to work a board. I don’t turn knobs. I have no technical ability whatsoever. But I’m there when [artists] need to me to be there. My primary asset is I know whether I like something or not. It always comes down to taste…I’m there for any key creative decisions” (12)

7. You don’t need to wait for special equipment to get it done. Embrace constraints.

When Rubin and the Beastie Boys produced their first album Licensed to Ill, they had no samplers and no digital technology. Chung King where they recorded was an analog studio. They would make tape loops. They would also have 3 or 4 people on a console who would be responsible for however many buttons they could press. There was no automation the songs were literally hand made. On the drumbeat in “Fight for Your Right,” Rubin and engineer Steve Ett would physically hit the rubber pads with their bare hands to emphasize the song’s kick and snare parts. Even though it took much more work to create a song it allowed for more freedom to alter a song on the fly (13).

There has to be a strong desire to create. With that, you’ll use anything that’s in front of you to pull something off. I’m reminded of a quote from photographer William Eggleston that illustrates the point, "The artist... If the thing is in that person to do, it will find a way out. Doesn't matter where you plant it.” Waiting to buy the latest tool, or to properly learn the software, may not help you produce better work. Or even help you produce more work. You may find another excuse altogether once you get the equipment you think you need. Start creating and experimenting with whatever you have in front of you. The only way you’ll learn to do something right is by spending a large amount of time doing it wrong. I’m using “right” in relative terms. As in what’s right for you. Constraints may also help the creative process along. I’ve written a series on creative breakthroughs based on constraints here.

8.  Collaborate and Cross-pollinate

Rubin highly encouraged collaboration among all of his Def Jam artists to come up with breakthroughs and to push each other creatively. LL Cool J wrote songs for Run DMC. Run DMC shared songs with the Beastie Boys. An example is Slow and Low. The Beastie Boys took the track and modified the lyrics to reflect their interests. The idea to play the beat backwards on "Paul Revere" came from Run when the Bestie Boys were looking for a slower beat to rap over. Around this time Rubin had also signed Slayer to Def Jam. He walked down the hall and asked guitarist Kerry King of Slayer to play the lead on the Beastie Boys “No Sleep till Brooklyn” track. They shared the studio and didn’t know each other until the collaboration. It took a few minutes, but it became a signature part of the song (14).  

Although Def Jam was a small label and didn’t have a massive roster of acts Rubin used what artist he did have in his studio to full capacity. They influenced each other, and he could take parts and pieces of their talents and strengths to make a song that he felt in his mind worked. My key takeaway is, yes it’s good to work alone to get things done. But periods of collaboration are needed to expand on initial thoughts and improve the final product. Diverse perspectives can lead to more unique outputs. Stephen Johnson, in Where Good Ideas Come From highlights London coffee houses during the Age of Enlightenment. It wasn’t the lone genius toiling by themselves but the interactions between creative people and free-floating conversations around different passions and interests. It allowed different networks of people to come that typically wouldn’t in the course of their day. And through their interactions would get new ideas (15).

9. Work with your idols

AC/DC is a band that Rubin admired for years to the point where AC/DC became his archetype for how to produce rock records. Very minimalistic sounds, peeling back all the layers to get to a raw sound. He worked directly with AC/DC after years of using their music as his benchmark for an excellent rock record. Their first collaboration began when he worked on one song with AC/DC for the Last Action Hero soundtrack. He would later produce 1995’s Ballbreaker Album with his idols. The key for Rubin was going back to their classic signature sound that was very stripped down (16).

In my mind, I think it was inevitable that Rubin would cross paths with his heroes after being committed to their music making approach and applying it to most of the bands he worked with for so long. He was so well versed in their material that when the opportunity came up, he was prepared to capitalize on it and brought them back to their original sound. It’s rare that we get to work with our heroes. But having a group of creative folks whose work you appreciate and follow may help guide some of your own work as there's some type of resonance between the work that they produce and the work that you create. Austin Kleon referred to this notion as identifying your creative lineage. Similar to a family lineage there’s a genealogy of folks who came before you that you have parts of. There’s also a genealogy of ideas. Although you can’t pick your family, you can indeed select who you allow to influence you based on the books you read, the music you listen to, etc. Similar to where we started in the article. Your creative lineage the sum total of life experience. What you let into your life becomes what influences you. You become the sum total of your influences. Although it’s rare to wind up working for your heroes at worst, you’ll end up finding a community that shares similar influences (17).

References

1.  Rick Rubin: in the Studio, by Jake Brown, Accessible Publishing Systems, 2009. Page 1. 

2. Kaufman, Scott Barry. Wired to Create. Penguin Publishing Group, 2015. Page 45. 

3. Idem. Page 84. 

4. Rick Rubin: in the Studio, by Jake Brown, Accessible Publishing Systems, 2009. Page 3.

5.  Anderson, Chuck. “Life + Limb.” Ryder Ripps - Life + Limb // A Podcast about Creativity with Chuck Anderson, 10 Sept. 2014, www.lifeandlimb.com/episode/ryder-ripps.

6. Rick Rubin: in the Studio, by Jake Brown, Accessible Publishing Systems, 2009. Page 63. 

7. Idem. Page 64. 

8. Idem. Page 4.

9. Idem. Page 141.

10. Pieratt, Ben. “A 3-Step Process for Naming a Project/Product. (And Some Resources).” Ben Pieratt, Blog, 20 Feb. 2014, blog.pieratt.com/post/77293289254/a-3-step-process-for-naming-a-projectproduct.

11. Rick Rubin: in the Studio, by Jake Brown, Accessible Publishing Systems, 2009. Page 11.

12. Idem. Page 15.

13. Idem. Page 45.

14. Idem. Page 46.

15. Johnson, Steven. Where Good Ideas Come from: the Seven Patterns of Innovation. Penguin, 2010.

16. Rick Rubin: in the Studio, by Jake Brown, Accessible Publishing Systems, 2009. Page 120.

17. Kleon, Austin. Steal like an Artist: 10 Things Nobody Told You about Being Creative. Workman, 2012.

#my writing #long reads #creativity #creative process #music production #Rick Rubin

[bloodthirstymoonstone]

Cursed Lance (Meta #1)

Hey, guys! I’ve been meaning to do a few posts like this where I kind of go in depth about something related to Valter that would kind of seem out of place, were I to try to include the details in an actual post. I like the idea of this because, while Valter is pretty much just a walking, breathing pile of trash, I think that looking around the world around him can add a bit of depth as to WHY he’s as fucked up as he is, and the effect that has on everything around him.

So I thought I’d get started on the one thing integral to understanding his character, and that’s understanding my take on his famed Cursed Lance. It gets kinda long, so I’m gonna place most of this under a cut. But if you plan on interacting with Valter in the future, I’d consider this a must-read!

Okay, first let’s get all of the canon stuff that we know out of the way, for those who aren’t privy on FE8 lore. Most of the information we have about the cursed lance comes from a conversation between Duessel and Cormag. 

It’s extremely powerful

The cursed lance is a family heirloom that belongs to Duessel

You CAN touch and carry it around safely, as long as you don’t use it in battle

If you use it in battle, you’ll go insane (unless vague stipulations are met)

The insanity stays with you, even if the lance is later taken away (Valter wasn’t in possession of the lance during the in-game events of FF8 at all)

Lance apparently glitters with an unnatural light and emits a powerful aura

Valter’s eyes shine with the same light when in battle

Though Valter was never really a “good” person, the effect of the lance made him ten times worse (More on that in a later post!)

I’ll also make a quick note on the cursed lance as it appears in FE Heroes. 16 Might, which is on par with other melee legendary weapons like Armads and Raijinto, but it also has TWO effects. Not only does it accelerate the Special trigger by reducing the cool down rate by one (like the killer lance, Mystletainn, or Hauteclere), but it ALSO increases attack and speed by 2 each, at the expense of 4 health per combat phase.

In other words, it makes him more deft, more powerful, and a more savage attacker, but not at all more DURABLE. (Unlike Fury, which will sap your health each phase, but will also make you more resistant to both physical and magical damage.) In fact, it actually SAPS your health, making it harder to survive the longer you stay and fight.

Now, to be fair, Valter is already fairly chunky (having a base of 34 def and 42 health at 5* level 40 is nothing to sneeze at), but I think this says a lot about the effect the cursed lance has on Valter. He’ll always be crazy as fuck with or without it in his hands, but having the Cursed Lance directly in his grasp will actually make him even MORE reckless than he usually is. And more dangerous as well. 

He knows that the lance grants him more power, which is why he’s often seen with it, even if he’s not supposed to be heading into battle any time soon. It just makes him feel… more secure. Like a nightmarish version of a comfort blanket. And the prolonged exposure to the lance has had detrimental effects on his body as a whole, but it’s hard for him to recognize that with the seducing power of the lance thrumming in his head constantly. Most notable examples being, decreased appetite and especially decreased desire for sleep.

Notice that I didn’t say the lance decreases his NEED for food or sleep – it just makes him FEEL like it does. Most days, I’d say he’d get only like 2 hours of sleep (most of which consists of really quick power-naps taken through the day – I’m talking a minute each, at most), and might go most of the day without realizing he needs to eat, only to quickly find himself in danger of passing out due to low blood sugar. Incidentally, this is why his eyes always look so… weird. Tired, almost. He’s running his body ragged and doesn’t even realize it. It won’t be long before the madness takes him completely and he ends up in a coffin. 

Speaking of “madness”, perhaps calling what the lance gave him is a bit of a misnomer. He’s not insane at all – he can be incredibly cunning, manipulative, and crafty. He clearly understands basic rules of the universe and won’t try to do something that would be ACTUALLY insane, like jumping off of a cliff without his wyvern because he thinks he can fly by himself. What it DID do is strip him of basic human emotions and morality – the concepts of shame, loyalty, fear, and even empathy seem as alien to him as someone trying to explain theoretical physics to a dog.

The lance has also warped his perception of the world around him – usually in regards to his abilities. As I said before, the lance doesn’t make him invincible, or even more sturdy. It just makes him FEEL like it does, which can often make him over-estimate his abilities in relation to others (as seen when he cockily challenges the twins to a fight and admits to Cormag that he slaughtered his brother in FE8, and gets his ass handed to him in result). He thinks of himself as the strongest, toughest Wyvern Knight to ever exist, and it’s just… It’s not true.

Okay, this is already getting pretty long, so here’s another bullet point list about misc things I couldn’t seem to fit in anywhere else.

I have no idea how Valter got the lance in FE Heroes, considering that he only had the weapon in FE8 for a short time years before the in-game events ever happened

I think the most probably explanation is that he broke into Duessel’s crib and stole it from him, possibly even killing him in the resulting scuffle.

Valter’s eyes are usually bright blue, but will occasionally flash a vivid purple while in combat. This is the gleam Cormag described as Valter’s eyes and the lance sharing. (Based on his special portrait in Heroes)

The foreboding aura the lance exudes is a chilling aura – just being around it can make the air feel 10 degrees Fahrenheit (~5.55 C?) cooler

I probably describe Valter’s hands as being cold a lot. That’s a direct consequence of handling the lance. 

Yearning for blood is a physically painful experience for him. When he hasn’t killed in a while, he almost feels as if the lance burns to the touch.

There’s no way to know if that’s mental or an actual, physical property of the lance. Outside observers who touch the lance during times he swears it’s burning him say it’s as cold as it usually is. 

Valter is 6′7″ (~200 cm) tall. In his glory days before handling the lance, Valter was 265 pounds (120.202 kg) heavy, with most of that being muscle.

The lance tricking him into thinking he doesn’t need to eat has caused him to lose weight (and, consequently, muscle mass) over the years. He’s now 245 pounds (111.13 kg)

The lance has caused him to throw most of his self care out of the window, but he still takes absolutely meticulous care of his hair. That’s for reasons I’ll get into at a later time.

The lance has dulled his sense of touch pretty significantly, making him more pain resistant. Again, this does nothing to make him more resistant to damage -- he’s just less likely to notice it. Which can be a bad thing.

The lance also sharpens his sense of sight and hearing slightly. If he concentrates, he can hear incredibly soft noises like someone breathing a room away from him. He can make out details from farther distances and see extremely well in low light.

#meta post #headcanons #god this took forever #i hope you guys enjoy it! #i worked really hard on this #it's been sitting in my drafts for days hehe #i know it's long af #that's why i tried to increase readability by making bullet points and highlighting things #lmk if you have any suggestions about how to improve it for next time! #valter meta #war meta #mega meta

[itsjayyyy]

April 17, 2019 8:28 am

Alright I believe I have established mental stability now, something that I haven’t had for the last couple of weeks. And yes, before you ask, my period did come shortly after all of that. 

I have now come to the realization that running away to arizona is actually a terrible idea. I mean really, finishing my bachelor’s at 26 when I could take some extra time here and do it at 23? And saving up a ton of money just to blow it on moving?? And driving cross country on a 250cc motorcycle??? tuh. 

First things first: I believe that I have the capability to pass calc 2. The first fail was on me, but not on my brain; it was on my attitude. This fail is also on my attitude (and partially on my professor’s attitude), but it’s not on my brain. In the last week I’ve been using khan academy again and was able to study half of the material in this unit. On that half, I got nearly perfect scores, while the half that I only studied out of the textbook I got around a 50. Imagine if I had the time to study all of the material. I moved my schedule around, so that I’m going to be retaking calc in the fall instead of the spring. Over this summer I’m going to be completely finishing khan academy, I mean trig, precalc, calc 1, and calc 2. This fall I’m gonna crush it. 

Yesterday was my birthday. I’m 20 years old now. I’m so old. On saturday I visited my family to have dinner. I parked alongside the curb instead of pulling into the driveway because there was an extra car blocking the way. Mom said they bought a new car because the jag was just getting too old. Rose came home a little bit later; she brought peter and paul with her. Dad finally spoke to me again. Did I mention last week he was hospitalized over low blood sugar? Guess almost dying causes you to reevaluate your relationships. 

I bought a new tire for my motorcycle. While driving home one day I had to brake really fast and my back tire swerved really hard. I remembered my mechanic said my back tire was fine, but I looked at it and man there is literally no tread. I would call him a liar, but he told me that in august last year, and I’ve gone about 7000 miles more since then (plus i just looked it up and apparently you should change your rear tire every 2000 miles RIP). I bought one online monday, and apparently it got delivered yesterday but I was too busy to go get it from the office. I don’t know when I can take it to the shop, though; on friday my apartment is being inspected by the leasing office so tomorrow’s gonna be spent cleaning and today I have to study for my asl exam this evening. Then friday through sunday I’m going to be working. Monday forward is exam week all the way until the following monday. I guess on this upcoming monday I could go after calc in the morning, but I would rather spend that time studying. I mean, I guess I should go then, I don’t think I would have gotten much studying done anyways. And when I say there’s no tread, I mean like this tire could give any time soon. Like, the fabric weave is starting to show through in some spots. 

So much has happened yet I don’t know what to say. It’s been two weeks since the last update, right? 

Yesterday rose texted me happy bday. I didn’t respond until I was in comp sci, but I responded alright. I wrote 977 words, and imessage collapsed it into a text file. As of this morning, rose has not even opened the message. welp.

I’m kinda worried about this apartment inspection. I never paid the pet fee, or told them I had a cat. Worst case, they fine me extra, but it’s not like they’d evict me or anything. Best case, I tell them the girl before me said she had a dog (she did), and that she told me that she already paid the pet fee. The people at the leasing office know me now (after so many times dealing with chelsea), so they might be more understanding. I’m just kind of worried about what I’m going to do with mango while I’m at work; they said all pets must be contained but I don’t really have a cage for him, I just let him be free inside my bedroom. I’m gonna ask them about that when I pick up my packages today. 

I told myself that I would sit in the library to write this update then dip and study at home, but I’m kind of scared to leave. I always sit in the same seat on the top floor on mondays and wednesdays, and i know that savon also regularly sits in the library but on the ground floor by the entrance. Today though, he’s sitting in the seat across from me to the side, but I didn’t see him until I was already settled in. I don’t want to get up in case he follows me. I just want to teleport home, right from this seat. MAN SPEAKING OF WHICH it has been a hot minute since i’ve played with my switch. i’m def gonna spend more time playing games after this semester ends. and going to the gym more.

[haribokart]

Haribokart’s Rock Band song list .38 Special - Caught Up In You 3 Doors Down - Here Without You, It’s Not My Time, Kryptonite, When You're Young, When I'm Gone 30 Seconds to Mars - Attack, Closer To The Edge, The Kill, Kings and Queens, This Is War 311 - Amber, Down 4 Non-Blondes - What’s Up? 5 Seconds Of Summer - She Looks So Perfect The 88 - Sons and Daughters A-Ha - Take On Me Abnormality - Visions AC/DC - Back in Black (Live), Dirty Deeds Done Cheap (Live), Fire Your Guns (Live), For Those About To Rock (Live), Heatseeker (Live), Hell Ain’t A Bad Place To Be (Live), Hells Bells (Live), High Voltage (Live), Highway To Hell (Live), The Jack (Live), Jailbreak (Live), Let There Be Rock (Live), Moneytalks (Live), Shoot To Thrill (Live), T.N.T (Live), Thunderstruck (Live), Whole Lotta Rosie (Live), You Shook Me All Night Long (Live) Ace of Base - The Sign The Acro-Brats – Day Late Dollar Short, Hair Trigger Aerosmith - Cryin, Dream On (Live), Dude Looks Like A Lady, I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing, Sweet Emotion, Toys In The Attic, Train Kept Rollin, Walk This Way AFI - Girl’s Not Grey, Miss Murder Alabama Shakes - Don't Wanna Fight Alanis Morissette - Head Over Feet, Ironic, You Oughta Know Alice Cooper - Poison, School's Out (Live) Alice In Chains - Man In The Box Alien Ant Farm - Smooth Criminal All American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret, Gives You Hell, Move Along, Swing Swing All Time Low - Weightless The Allman Brothers Band - Jessica, Ramblin’ Man Alphabeat - Fascination Amy Winehouse - Rehab Anarchy Club - Blood Doll, Collide, Get Clean Andy Grammar - Honey I’m Good Angels & Airwaves - It Hurts Animal Flag - Sink Anthrax - Caught in a Mosh Arctic Horror - Black Seas Arctic Monkeys - Arabella, R U Mine? Assuming We Survive - Open Water At The Drive In - One Armed Scissor Authority Zero - No Regrets The Automatic - Monster Avenged Sevenfold - Afterlife, Almost Easy, Beast and the Harlot, Hail To The King Average White Band - Pick Up The Pieces Avicii - Wake Me Up Avril Lavigne - Complicated, My Happy Ending B-52's - Rock Lobster, Love Shack, Roam Bad Company - Shooting Star Bang Camaro - Blood Red Rock, Night Lies, Pleasure Bang on a Can All-Stars – Shadowbang (Head) The Bangles - Walk Like An Egyptian Barely March - Thinking Emoji Barenaked Ladies - One Week Bastille - Pompeii The Beach Boys - Good Vibrations (Live) Bearstronaut - Shadow Beastie Boys - Make Some Noise, Sabotage, So What’cha Want Beck - Dreams, E-Pro Bee Gees - Jive Talkin, Night Fever, Staying Alive, Tragedy, You Should Be Dancing Belinda Carlisle - Heaven Is A Place On Earth Benjamin Booker - Violent Shiver Bent Knee - These Hands The Bergamot - Forgot About Tomorrow Between the Buried and Me - Prequel To The Sequel Big & Rich - Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy) Big Country - In A Big Country Bikini Kill - Rebel Girl Billy Idol - Mony Mony, Rebel Yell, White Wedding Billy Joel - It's Still Rock And Roll To Me, My Life, Only The Good Die Young, Piano Man, She’s Always A Woman, Uptown Girl, We Didn’t Start The Fire Billy Squier - Lonely Is The Night Black Beach - No Place For Me ThevBlack Cheers - (You’re) Breakin’ Up The Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling The Black Keys - Fever, Gold On The Ceiling, Howlin' For You, Lonely Boy Blind Melon - No Rain Blink-182 - Adam's Song, Aliens Exist, All The Small Things, Down, Feeling This, First Date, I Miss You, The Rock Show, What’s My Age Again Blondie - Call Me, Hanging On The Telephone, Heart of Glass, One Way Or Another, Rapture Blue Oyster Cult - Don’t Fear The Reaper Blue Swede - Hooked On A Feeling Blur - Beetlebum, Song 2, There's No Other Way BoB ft. Hayley Williams - Airplanes Bob Dylan - Tangled Up In Blue Bob Marley - Could You Be Loved, Get Up Stand Up, I Shot The Sheriff, Is This Love, Jamming, No Woman No Cry, One Love Bon Jovi - Bad Medicine, Blaze Of Glory, It's My Life, Livin On A Prayer, Wanted Dead Or Alive, You Give Love A Bad Name Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse Of The Heart Boston - Foreplay/Long Time, More Than A Feeling, Peace Of Mind The Both - Milwaukee Boys Like Girls – The Great Escape, Thunder Brad Paisley - Start A Band Brandi Carlile - Mainstream Kid Breaking Wheel - Shoulder To The Plow Bring Me the Horizon - Happy Song, Throne The Bronx - False Alarm Bruno Mars - 24K Magic, Grenade, Just The Way You Are, Locked Out Of Heaven, Marry You, Treasure Bryan Adams - Summer Of 69 Buffalo Springfield - For What It's Worth Bush - Comedown Busted - Thunderbirds Are Go! Buzzcocks - Ever Fallen In Love BØRNS - Electric Love The Cab - Bounce Caesers - Jerk It Out Cake - I Will Survive, Short Skirt/Long Jacket Capital Cities - Safe and Sound Carl Douglas - Kung Fu Fighting Carly Ray Jepsen - Call Me Maybe Carrie Underwood - All American Girl, Before He Cheats, Blown Away, Cowboy Casanova, Good Girl The Cars - Just What I Needed The Chainsmokers - Closer (ft. Halsey) Charlie Puth - Attention Cheap Trick - Hello There, I Want You to Want Me (Live) Chely Wright - Single White Female The Chemical Brothers - Let Forever Be The Chevelles - Get It On Chicago - 25 or 6 to 4, If You Leave Me Now Chuck Berry - Johnny B. Goode Chumbawumba - Tubthumping The Clash - I Fought The Law, London Calling, Rock The Casbah, Should I Stay Or Should I Go Cobra Starship - You Make Me Feel The Cocktail Slippers - Give It To Me Cohered And Cambria - Welcome Home Cold War Kids - First Coldplay - A Sky Full Of Stars, Adventure Of A Lifetime, Clocks, Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall, Fix You, Hymn For The Weekend, The Scientist, Viva La Vida, Yellow The Coral - Dreaming Of You Counting Crows - Accidentally In Love, Mr Jones The Cranberries - Dreams, Linger, Ode To My Family, Zombie Creaturos - History Repeats Creedence Clearwater Revival - Bad Moon Rising, Fortunate Son, I Heard It Through the Grapevine Crooked X - Nightmare The Cult - She Sells Sanctuary Culture Club - Do You Really Want To Hurt Me, Karma Chameleon The Cure - Friday I’m In Love, Just Like Heaven Cutting Crew - I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Want To Have Fun, Time After Time Daft Punk - Get Lucky Dance for the Dying – Thug Love Dark Wheels - V-Bomb The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down Daughtry - It's Not Over David Bowie - Fame, Heroes, Lets Dance, Modern Love, Space Oddity, Suffragette City, Ziggy Stardust Dead Sara - Mona Lisa Dealership - Database Corrupted Death Of The Cool - Can’t Let Go Deep Blue Something - Breakfast At Tiffanies Deep Purple - Highway Star, Smoke On The Water Def Leppard - Foolin, Photograph, Pour Some Sugar On Me (Live) Deftones - My Own Summer Del Amitri - Roll To Me Demi Lovato - Sorry Not Sorry Depeche Mode - Personal Jesus Devo - Girl U Want, Uncontrollable Urge, Whip It Dexys Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen Dinosaur Jr - Feel The Pain Dio - Rainbow in the Dark Dire Straights - Walk Of Life Disturbed - Down With The Sickness, Indestructable, Prayer, The Sound Of Silence DNCE - Cake By The Ocean Dolly Spartans - I Hear the Dead Don McClean - American Pie The Donnas - New Kid In School The Doobie Brothers - China Grove, Listen To The Music, Long Train Runnin The Doors - Break On Through, Light My Fire, People Are Strange, Riders On The Storm, Touch Me Dover - King George Dream Theatre - Metropolis Part 1, Panic Attack Duck & Cover - Knock Em Down Duran Duran - Girls On Film, Hungry Like The Wolf, Rio, The Reflex Dutch ReBelle - RudeBoys Eagle-Eye Cherry - Save Tonight Earth, Wind & Fire - September Echo and the Bunnymen - The Killing Moon Ed Sheeran - Shape of You, Sing Eddie Japan - Albert The Eiffels - Body Like That Electric Six - Gay Bar Elle King - Ex’s & Oh’s Ellie Goulding - On My Mind Elton John - The Bitch is Back, Crocodile Rock, Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me, I’m Still Standing, Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting Elvis Costello - Pump It Up Elvis Presley - Suspicious Minds EMF - Unbelievable Endereverafter - I Wanna Be Your Man Erasure - A Little Respect Eric Cartman - Lady Gaga's Poker Face Europe - The Final Countdown Evanescence - Bring Me To Life, Call Me When You’re Sober, Everybody's Fool, Going Under, Weight Of The World Everlife - Real Wild Child Extreme - More Than Words Faith No More - Epic, Midlife Crisis Fall Out Boy - A Little Less Sixteen Candles, Centuries, Dance Dance, Dead On Arrival, Irresistible, I Don’t Care, My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark, Sugar We're Going Down, This Ain’t A Scene It’s An Arms Race, Thnks Fr Th Mmrs Filter - Hey man nice shot Fine Young Cannibals - She Drives Me Crazy The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi battles The Pink Robots Fleetwood Mac - Don’t Stop, Dreams, Gold Dust Woman, Go Your Own Way, Landslide, Rhiannon, You Make Loving Fun Flobots - Handlebars Florence and the Machine - Dog Days Are Over Flyleaf - I’m So Sick Fly by Midnight - Vinyl Foghat - Slow Ride Foo Fighters - All My Life, Best Of You, Breakout, DOA, Everlong, Learn To Fly, Monkey Wrench, My Hero, The Feast And The Famine, The Pretender, Times Like These Foreigner - Cold As Ice, Feels Like The First Time, I Want To Know What Love Is, Waiting For A Girl Like You Foster the People – Don't Stop (Color on the Walls), Helena Beat, Pumped Up Kicks Frank Turner - I Still Believe Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Relax Franz Ferdinand - Do You Want To, Take Me Out Fratelies - Creeping up the Backstairs, Henrietta Free - All Right Now Freezepop – Brainpower, Doppelgänger Fun. - Some Nights, We Are Young Garbage - I Think I’m Paranoid, Stupid Girl, Why do you Love Me Gary Clark Jr - Ain’t Messin ‘Round Gavin DeGraw - I Don’t Want to Be Generation X - Dancing with Myself George Thorogood - Bad To The Bone The Ghost Hounds - Ashes to Fire Gin Blossoms - Follow You Down, Hey Jealousy Glados - Still Alive Go-Go’s - Our Lips Are Sealed, We Got The Beat Goddamn Draculas - Bethany Golden Earring - Radar Love Goo Goo Dolls - Iris Good Charlotte - The Anthem, Girls & Boys, Lifestyles Of The Rich & Famous Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood, Feel Good Inc The Grateful Dead - Alabama Getaway Graveyard BBQ – Cheat on the Church Green Day - 21st Century Breakdown, 21 Guns, American Eulogy, American Idiot, Are We The Waiting/St Jimmy, Basket Case, Before The Lobotomy, Boulevard Of Broken Dreams, Brain Stew/Jaded, Burnout, Christian's Inferno, Chump, Coming Clean, East Jesus Nowhere, Emenius Sleepus, Extraordinary Girl, F.O.D, Geek Stink Breath, Give Me Novacaine/She’s A Rebel, Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life), Having A Blast, Hitching A Ride, Holiday, Homecoming, Horseshoes And Handgrenades, In The End, Jesus Of Suburbia, Know Your Enemy, Last Night On Earth, Last of the American Girls, Letterbomb, Longview, Minority, Murder City, Nice Guys Finish Last, Peacemaker, Pulling Teeth, Restless Heart Syndrome, Sassafras Roots, See The Light, She, Song Of The Century, The Static Age, Viva La Gloria, Wake Me Up When September Ends, Warning, Welcome To Paradise, Whatsername, When I Come Around, !Viva La Gloria! Grouplove - Tongue Tied The Guess Who - American Woman Guns N Roses - Shackler’s Revenge Gym Class Heroes - Stereo Hearts H.I.M. - Killing Loneliness Hailstorm - I Miss The Misery Hall and Oates - I Can't Go For That, Maneater, You Make My Dreams Heart - Alone, Barracuda, Kick It Out Heaven’s Basement - I Am Electric The Hives - Main Offender, Tick Tick Boom Hole - Celebrity Skin Hollywood Undead - Young Honest Bob - I Get By, Soy Bomb Hoobastank – Crawling In The Dark Hot Chelle Rae - Tonight Tonight Hozier- Take Me To Church Huey Lewis and the News - The Power of Love The Human League - Don’t You Want Me HUNNY - Shy Hypernova - Viva La Resistance Ida Maria - Oh My God Iggy Pop - Lust For Life, The Passenger Imagine Dragons - I Bet My Life, Radioactive, Thunder In The Valley Below - Bloodhands Incubus - Dig, Drive Interpol - PDA INXS - Need You Tonight The Isley Brothers - Shout The J.Gelis Band - Centrefold Jack White - Lazaretto The Jackson 5 - ABC, I Want You Back The Jam - Going Underground, Town Called Malice James Brown - Get Up, I Got You, Super Bad Pts. 1 & 2 Jane's Addiction - Been caught Stealing, Mountain Song Janis Joplin - Piece of my Heart Jason Derulo - Want To Want Me Jason Mraz - I'm Yours Jeff Allen - Recession Jeff Williams ft Casey Lee Williams - This Will Be The Day Jefferson Airplane - Somebody To Love Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl Jethro Tull - Aqualung Jimi Hendrix - All Along The Watchtower, Crosstown Traffic, Foxey Lady, Fire Jimmy Eat World - The Middle, Pain, Sweetness Joan Jett - Bad Reputation, I Love Rock N' Roll Jocelyn & Chris Arndt - Shame Joe Jackson - Is she really going out with him? John & Yoko - Happy Xmas John Lennon - How Do You Sleep?, Imagine, Jealous Guy Johnny Blazes And The Pretty Boys - Cold Clear Light Johnny Cash - I Walk the Line, Ring of Fire Josh Turner - Would You Go With Me Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart Juanes - Me Enamora Judas Priest - Halls Of Valhalla, Painkiller, You’ve Got Another Thing Coming Juli - Perfekte Welle Julie Rhodes - Hurry Up (& Wait For You) Justin Bieber - Boyfriend, Love Yourself, Sorry, What Do You Mean? Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict A Riot, Ruby Kansas - Carry On Wayward Son Kasabian - Club Foot, Shoot The Runner Katrina And The Waves - Walking On Sunshine Kelly Clarkson - Heartbeat Song, Miss Independent, Stronger Kenny Loggins - Danger Zone, Footloose The Killers - All These Things That I've Done, Mr Brightside, Smile Like You Mean It, Somebody Told Me, When You Were Young Kings of Leon - Crawl, Molly’s Chambers, Sex On Fire, Use Somebody Kiss - Detroit Rock City The Knack - My Sharona The Konks - 29 Fingers The Kooks - Naive Kool and the Gang - Celebration, Jungle Boogie Korn - Word Up KSM - Distracted KT Tunstell - Suddenly I See Kutless - The Feeling L7 - Pretend We’re Dead La Roux - Bulletproof Lacuna Coil - Our Truth Lady Antebellum - Lookin For A Good Time, Need You Now, Perfect Day Lady Gaga - Applause, Bad Romance, Born This Way, Edge of Glory, Just Dance, Lovegame, Monster, Paparazzi, Poker Face Laura Bell Bundy - Rebound LEN - Steal My Sunshine The Len Price 3 - If I ain’t got You Lenny Kravitz - Are You Gonna Go My Way Lesley Roy - I’m Gone, I’m Going The Libyans - Welcome To The Neighbourhood Lightning Bolt - Dream Genie Lights Resolve - Dreaming Of Love Limp Bizkit - My Way Linkin Park - Breaking the Habit, Crawling, In The End, Numb, One Step Closer, Somewhere I Belong, What I’ve Done Lit - My Own Worst Enemy Little Big Town - Little White Church Little Fish - Am I Crazy Littlefoot - Casablanca Live - All Over You Liz Phair - Rock Me LMFAO - Party Rock Anthem Lorde - Royals Lostprophets - Rooftops Lucinda Williams - Can’t Let Go Lucius - Turn It Around Lush - De-Luxe Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird, Simple Man, Sweet Home Alabama (Live), That Smell, Tuesday's Gone Macklemore - Can’t Hold Us MAGIC! - Rude The Main Drag – A Jagged Gorgeous Winter, How We’d Look on Paper Mana - Oye Mi Amor Marilyn Manson - The Beautiful People Mark Ronson Ft. Bruno Mars - Uptown Funk Maroon 5 - Little Of Your Time, Makes Me Wonder, Misery, Moves Like Jagger, One More Night, This Love, Wake Up Call, Won’t Go Home Without You Mastodon - Colony Of Birchmen Maximo Park - Girls Who Play Guitars Megadeath - Peace Sells Meghan Trainor - All About That Bass Men at Work - Down Under Metric - Combat Baby MGMT - Kids Michael Christmas - Cross That Line The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - The Impression That I Get, Where’d You Go? Miley Cyrus - 7 Things, Can’t Be Tamed, Fly On The Wall, See You Again, Start All Over Miranda Cosgrove - Headphones On Miranda Lambert - Gunpowder and Lead Modest Mouse - Float On Molly Hatchet - Flirting With Disaster The Monkees - Last Train To Clarksville Montell Jordan - This Is How We Do It Morrissey - Irish Blood English Heart The Mother Hips - Time We Had Motley Crue - Saints of Los Angeles Motorhead - Ace Of Spades Mountain - Mississippi Queen Mr Big - To Be With You The Muffs - Kids In America, Outer Space Mumford & Sons - I Will Wait, The Wolf Muse - Hysteria My Chemical Romance - Famous Last Words, I’m Not Okay (I Promise), Sing, Teenagers, Welcome To The Black Parade Naked Eyes - Always Something There to Remind Me Natalie Imbruglia - Torn Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten Nazareth - Love Hurts The Neighbourhood - Sweater Weather Neko Case - People Got A Lotta Nerve Nemes - Black Streak Neon Trees - 1983, Animal, Everybody Talks, Sins Of My Youth New Order - Blue Monday Newfane - I Recognise The New Pornographers - Electric Version Nickelback - How You Remind Me, Photograph, Rockstar, Someday Nicki Minaj - Starships Night Ranger - Sister Christian Nightmare Air - Who’s Your Lover Nine Inch Nails - The Hand That Feeds, The Perfect Drug Nirvana - Come As You Are (Live), Drain You, In Bloom, Smells Like Teen Spirit, Something In The Way No Doubt - Don’t Speak, Hella Good, Hey Baby, It’s My Life, Just A Girl, Underneath It All No Small Children - Radio Norman Greenbaum - Spirit In The Sky Oasis - Champagne Supernova, Don’t Look Back In Anger, Live Forever, Rock 'n' Roll Star, Supersonic (Live), Wonderwall Of Monsters And Men - Little Talks The Offspring - All I Want, Come Out And Play, Days Go By, Gone Away, Pretty Fly For A White Guy, Self Esteem, The Kids Aren’t Alright Oh Honey - Sugar, You Ok Go - Here It Goes Again, Shooting The Moon OMI - Cheerleader One Direction - Best Song Ever, Drag Me Down, Story of My Life, What Makes You Beautiful One Night Only - Just For Tonight Onerepublic - Counting Stars, Stop And Stare Opiate for the Masses - Burn You Down Orianthi - According To You Otis Redding - Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay The Outfield - Your Love Outkast - Hey Ya! The Outlaws - Green Grass And High Tides Owl City - Fireflies Ozzy Osbourne - Crazy Train, Miracle Man P!nk - Funhouse, Get The Party Started, Please Don’t Leave Me, Raise Your Glass, So What, Sober, Who Knew P.O.D. - Alive, Youth of the Nation Panic At The Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies, Nine In The Afternoon, She's a Handsome Woman Papa Roach - Last Resort, Time Is Running Out Paramore - Ain’t It Fun, Brick By Boring Brick, CrushCrushCrush, Ignorance, Misery Business, Pressure, Still Into You, The Only Exception, That’s What You Get Parlour Bells - Never Let ‘Em Hold Ya Back Parks - Sweater Weather Party Bois - True Confessional Pat Benatar - Fire and Ice, Heartbreaker, Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Invincible, Love Is A Battlefield, Promises In The Dark, Shadows of the Night, We Belong Paul McCartney - Band On The Run, Jet (Live), Maybe I’m Amazed Pearl Jam - Alive Permaband - Killing is just a means, Wrecking Machine Peter Cetera - Glory of Love Petty Morals - Mean Girls Pharrell Williams - Happy Pheonix - Lasso Phish - Llama, Wilson (Live) Pixies - Monkey Gone to Heaven, Wave Of Mutilation, Where Is My Mind? Poison - Every Rose Has It’s Thorn, Nothin' but a Good Time The Police - Don't Stand So Close To Me, Every Breath You Take, Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic, Message In A Bottle, Next To You, Roxanne, Walking On The Moon Poni Hoax - Antibodies Portugal. The Man - Feel It Still Preachervan - Love That Hurts Presidents Of The United States Of America - Lump The Pretenders - Brass In Pocket Pretty Girls Make Graves - Something Bigger, Something Brighter The Pretty Reckless - Follow Me Down, Heaven Knows The Primitives - Crash Primus - Jerry Was A Race Car Driver Procol Harum - A Whiter Shade of Pale The Protomen - Light Up The Night Puddle of Mud - Blurry, Control, She Hates Me Queen - Another One Bites The Dust, Bicycle Race, Bohemian Rhapsody, Crazy Little Thing Called Love, Don't Stop Me Now, Fat Bottomed Girls, Hammer to Fall, I Want It All, I Want To Break Free, Killer Queen, One Vision, Play the Game, Radio Ga Ga, Somebody To Love, The Show Must Go On, Under Pressure, We Are The Champions, We Will Rock You, You're My Best Friend Queens Of The Stone Age - Go With The Flow, My God Is The Sun, No One Knows, 3’s & 7’s, In My Head Ram Jam - Black Betty R.E.M - It’s The End Of The World As We Know It, Losing My Religion, Man On The Moon, Orange Crush, The One I Love The Raconteurs - Steady As She Goes Radiohead - Creep, Karma Police Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name Of, Testify Rammstein - Du Hast Ramones - Blitzkrieg Bop, I Wanna Be Sedated Rascal Flatts - Life Is A Highway, Me and my Gang, Summer Nights Ratt - Round And Round The Raveonettes - Last Dance Ray Parker Jr - Ghostbusters Razorlight - Stumble And Fall The Red Chord - Hour Of Rats Red Hot Chilli Peppers - By The Way, Californication, Dani California, Give It Away, Scar Tissue, Snow ((Hey Oh)), Under The Bridge, REO Speedwagon - Keep On Loving You The Replacements - Alex Chilton Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up Rick Derringer - Rock And Roll Hooch Koo Rick James - Super Freak Rilo Kiley - Portions for Foxes Rise Against - Give It All Riverboat Gamblers - Don't Bury Me Robert Palmer - Bad Case of Loving You Robin Thicke - Blurred Lines The Rolling Stones - Gimme Shelter Roxette - The Look Roy Orbison - Only The Lonely, Pretty Woman, You Got It Ruby Rose Fox - Pain Killer, Sky Diver Rufus - Tell Me Something Good Rupert Holmes - Escape (The Pina Colada song) Rush - A Passage To Bangkok, The Trees, Tom Sawyer Saint Raymond - Young Blood Santana - Smooth Sara Evans - Suds In The Bucket Savage Garden - I want you Save Ferris - Come On Eileen Scandal - The Warrior Scorpions - No One Like You Seether - Fake It Semi-Precious Weapons - Magnetic Baby Semisonic - Closing Time Shaimus - Like A Fool Shania Twain - Any Man Of Mine, Party For Two, That Don’t Impress Me Much Shawn Mendes - Stitches, Treat You Better Sheryl Crow - All I Wanna Do Ships Have Sailed - Let’s Just Dance Sia - Chandelier, Cheap Thrills (ft. Sean Paul), The Greatest (ft. Kendrick Lamar) Silvergun Pickups - Lazy Eye Simon & Garfunkel - The Sounds Of Silence Simple Minds - Don’t You (Forget About Me) Sister Sledge - We Are Family Siouxsie And The Banshees - Cities In Dust Skillit - Feel Invincible Slipknot - Before I Forget Slydigs - Light The Fuse Smash Mouth - All Star, Can't Get Enough Of You Baby, Walking On The Sun, Why Can't We Be Friends? Smashing Pumpkins - Cherub Rock, Today, Zero The Smiths - Stop Me, This Charming Man Snoop Dogg - Beautiful, Drop It Like It's Hot, Who Am I - What’s My Name, Sensual Seduction, Tha Shiznit Snow Patrol - Take Back The City Social Distortion - I Was Wrong Soft Cell - Tainted Love Sonic Youth - Teen Age Riot Soul Remnants - Dead Black Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun, Superunknown The Sounds - Living In America Spacehog - In The Meantime Speck - Conventional Lover Spin Doctors - Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong, Two Princes Spinal Tap - Short And Sweet Spirit Kid - To My Romeo Squeeze - Cool For Cats, Tempted St. Vincent - Birth In Reverse Staind - It's Been A While, So Far Away Stan Bush - The Touch Starship - We Built This City Steely Dan - Bodhisattva Stephen And The Colberts - Charlene The Sterns - Supreme Girl Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel - Make Me Smile (Come Up And See Me) Steve Miller Band - Fly Like An Eagle, The Joker, Rock’n Me, Space Cowboy Steve Pardo - Super Beat Sports Big Baos Battle Stevie Nicks - Edge Of Seventeen, Stand Back Stevie Wonder - Higher Ground, I Wish, Living For The City, Sir Duke, Superstition STL GLD - Good Stone Temple Pilots - Plush, Vaseline The Stooges - I Wanna Be Your Dog The Strokes - Reptillia Sublime - Santeria, What I Got, Wrong Way Sugar Ray - Every Morning Sugarland - Settlin Sum 41 - Fat Lip, In Too Deep Supergrass - Grace, Sun Hits The Sky Survivor - Eye Of The Tiger Sweet - Ballroom Blitz Swingin' Utters - This Bastard's Life Symbion Project – Exploited & Exposed System of a Down - Aerials, Chop Suey, Spiders T-Rex - 20th Century Boy, Children Of The Revolution, Ride A White Swan Talking Heads - Burning Down The House, Psycho Killer Taking Back Sunday - Liar, Makedamnsure, What It Feels Like To Be A Ghost Tears for Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World, Head over Heels, Shout Tegan and Sarah - The Con Tenacious D - Master Exploder, Rise Of The Fenix, Tribute Testament - Souls Of Black That Handsome Devil - Rob The Prez-O-Dent Them Crooked Vultures - Dead End Friends Thenewno2 - Crazy Tuesday Thin Lizzy - The Boys Are Back in Town (Live), Jailbreak (Live) Three Days Grace - I Hate Everything About You, Never Too Late Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life Tickle Me Pink - The Time Is Wrong Tigerman WOAH - Alone Time Tijuana Sweetheart - Pistol Whipped, Seven tiLLie - Save Yourself Timmy & The Lords Of The Underworld - Timmy & The Lords Of The Underworld Tokio Hotel - Humanoid Tom Petty - Free Fallin Tommy Tutone - 867-5309/Jenny Toto - Africa, Hold The Line, Rosanna Train - Drops of Jupiter Travis McCoy - Billionaire Tribe - Outside Twenty One Pilots - Heathens, Ride, Stressed Out Twisted Sister - I Wanna Rock, We're Not Gonna Take It U2 - Cedarwood Road, Desire, I Will Follow, One, Pride (In The Name Of Love), Vertigo UB40 - Red Red Wine Underoath - Desperate Times Vampire Weekend - A-Punk Van Halen - Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love, Panama Van Morrison - Brown Eyed Girl Vance Joy - Riptide Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby The Vapors - Turning Japanese Vesuvius - Promised Land The Vines - Get Free Walk The Moon - Different Colours, Shut Up and Dance WAR - Low Rider The Warning - Free Falling, Survive The Warning Shots - Closer Closer Warrant - Cherry Pie Warren Zevon - Werewolves Of London We Are the Fallen - Bury Me Alive We The Kings - Check Yes Juliet The Weeknd - Can’t Feel My Face, The Hills, Starboy Weezer - A Little Respect, Beverly Hills, Buddy Holly, El Scorcho, Hash Pipe, Island in the Sun, King of The World, My Name Is Jonas, Say It Ain’t So, (If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To When Particles Collide - Constant Disaster White Denim - At Night In Dreams The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army, The Hardest Button To Button Whitesnake - Here I Go Again Whitney Houston - I Wanna Dance With Somebody Wild Cherry - Play That Funky Music Wilson Phillips - Hold On The Who - Baba O’riley, Behind Blue Eyes, I Can See For Miles, My Generation (Live), Pinball Wizard, The Seeker, Who Are You, Won’t Get Fooled Again Willie Nelson - On the Road Again Wolfmother - Woman Worshipper - Black Corridor X - Los Angeles X Ambassadors - Renegades X Japan - I.V Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps Yes - Owner Of A Lonely Heart, Roundabout Young the Giant - My Body The Zombies - She’s Not There The Zutons - Valerie

[monsoonx]

So after our 2 hour walk ....mind you she dragged me.......! I walked all over #DTLA Today and I'm beat after my #workout Sooooo #chiaseeds #superseedmix ( #TraderJoes ) #tartcherrygranola ( #sprouts ) #turkishhoney #apple #hempmilk ( #unsweetened and #vanillaflavor cutting back on my #milk ) and of course my ever faithful assistant ...! #stormieblú it tastes AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! I really don't know if it's perfect for after workouts or whatever BUT I love it!!!!! Also if you got low blood sugar issues def worth the try! BTW.....she was eyeing the apple....if I didn't give her half...I'm sure she would would have back pawed me 🙄🤔🤣😂🐺 (at Los Angeles, California)

#traderjoes #turkishhoney #milk #workout #unsweetened #superseedmix #chiaseeds #hempmilk #sprouts #vanillaflavor #stormieblú #dtla #tartcherrygranola #apple

[kummerspeck-griefbacon]

2017

Weeeeeeeelllllpppp! It’s a New Year, and I’m ready to start working on this blog again. I really couldn’t have procrastinated more if I tried, but whatever, I’m here now, it’s only January 2nd, so I’m not that far out of the game. I’ve been re-reading Jory Ames “Weight Loss Journey: Changing My Life One Story and One Pound at a Time”, and it has really inspired me to start up the blog again, I feel it is key to my weight loss journey to share my frustrations as well as my successes as Ms. Ames has done. She was the first woman to write the book that I wanted to write, and it def helped that she is an older woman (she’s 54- I’m 47), she is the same height as me (5′4″) and she is/was in the same weight category (she starts the book at 210, and resolves to lose 10 lbs per month for 6 months to get to 150). I would LOVE to lose 10 lbs per month but I don’t know if that’s possible for ME, she definitely proves that it IS possible (I think from reading it the first time that she doesn’t make it all the way in 6 months, but she does come pretty close.

Let me update you since I wrote last, well over a year ago- nothing has changed, weight-wise. I’m probably right around where I was. Actually, I’m sure I weigh more, because I quit smoking around the last entry and as of today, I am still quit. That is something I am very proud of- something I really never thought I could or would do. I was one of those smokers that really enjoyed smoking 90% of the time. I quit on 9/30/15, so I’ve stopped for over 15 months. I feel secure in quitting after I hit the year mark, but I know people go back at the drop of a hat, so I try not to get too cocky, especially since my entire family smokes. My husband quit a few months after I did and he has stayed quit, so that is fantastic. I feel like nothing would cause me to go back to smoking except a horrible tragedy, so I leave it at that. But quitting has taught me one thing- if I could do that, I can do anything. It wasn’t even as hard as I expected. Don’t you hate when people say shit like that? But it wasn’t- I used the patch, which I had never tried before, the one with the steps. So I guess that gave me enough nicotine in my system to keep me from punching people in the throat, and then I bought cartridges for my e-cigarette that had 0% nicotine, so I could still have the feel of a cigarette and the inhaling and the “smoke”. The e-cig helped for a very short while- it really can’t compare to a real cig, and it seemed to give me a weird cough, so I just kept it around and didn’t use it much, but I knew it was there if I needed it. So with those tools, it was much easier than I expected (BITCH- I know!), but the main thing was I knew I was ready to give them up forever, and the other times I had tried to quit (not many, because I did like to smoke), I couldn’t get on board with the quit forever thing, so I always wound up telling myself I could have just one, and just one always leads to another.

But anyway, back to the WEIGHT, after I gained about 15-20lbs from quitting smoking (and it happened QUICKLY- within 3 months), I found myself at the beginning of 2016 hating myself, and more determined than ever to lose the weight. I was very depressed about the weight- I was heavier than I had ever been, I think at one point I reached 221. And if the gain wasn’t bad enough, I found that no matter what I did, I would not lose. I could not drop the weight. I bought the Cize dance program to dance the fat away- I didn’t stick with it. And I was trying to not do anything drastic diet-wise- I can’t do all day protein waters, or starvation, or binging/purging- I just don’t have the desire to punish myself, I’ve done that for so long and it’s only gotten me where I am. Finally I decided to see a therapist- if I couldn’t lose the weight, I needed to find a way to like myself, because I was really low, and I can’t afford to be depressed- I have too much to do- I have a family to take care of, I have 2 dogs with special needs and a cat, I work from home with my husband and it’s a very demanding job, and I have a house to run. I don’t have time to be depressed. Two things occurred to me around this time:

1- I realized that if I had never gone on a diet starting at 13 years old, I bet I would weigh much less than I do now. Years of diets has taken a toll on my body and my health. And more than that, the really heartbreaking thing is all the years I have spent hating myself, for what?

DID I EVER MANAGE TO HATE MYSELF THIN? NO- I DIDN’T.

2- I want to weigh 125. My older self knows that 140 is a much more realistic goal, given my age, the fact that I am in (or close to) pre-menopause, I possibly have PCOS, and how far I have to go. Then the diet-educated part of myself knows that the yo-yo dieting over the years has probably raised my body’s natural weight set point, so who knows? When I went in to therapy, I decided that if I could get to under 180, I could be happy with myself because that’s when all of my health problems began- aching hips, back, knees: snoring, cystic acne, etc.

AGAIN- I COULDN’T FIND A WAY TO BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF AS I WAS, BUT SUCH IS THE SICKNESS.

I live in a small town, so I had to just cross my fingers and hope that the therapist I got was a good one, because not many accept my insurance. I got lucky- I saw Risa for about 5 months, built up my self esteem, started standing up for myself and doing good things for me and my body, and she pronounced me “cured”, with the understanding that I could call her if I needed her. That was a proud moment for me because I usually don’t finish things, and it made me feel even better about her as a doctor/therapist because she could’ve taken my money forever (my mother saw a therapist for over 10 years) so I was worried that she would never let me go and I would have to quit and be a quitter. During therapy I started taking daily walks with my dog and started yoga, and I lost a few pounds, between 5-8.

I was still of the mindset that diets don’t work, and that I have to heal my relationship with food and my body, gently, with no punishing diets, Geneen Roth style, Susie Orbach style. I still believe all the things they say- eat when hungry, eat what you are hungry for, eat with no distractions, stop when you are full. I believe what they are saying, but I cannot make it work for me. And try as I might, I cannot accept myself at this weight. Wait, no- I can accept myself at this weight, but I do hate it, and I know with every fiber of my being that this is not me- this is not how I am supposed to be. I will be more comfortable when my joints don’t ache, and I don’t have high blood pressure. So something has to give.

I was gentle as I could be with myself until I got a year of no smoking under my belt- I knew I had to give myself the time to adjust to that. I was angry about the

weight gain, but it’s not like I was surprised- I knew it would happen. I probably would have gone back to smoking if I knew for sure that I would lose those 15-20 pounds. But I knew that wouldn’t happen, so I had to stay the course. 

As soon as I hit the year mark, I heard about “Bright Line Eating”, and it resonated with me. Bright Lines are like boundaries that you don’t cross. Ever. And if you do cross them, you go right back to the boundaries. You resume. Bright Lines were NO SUGAR and NO FLOUR. White Lines. Bright Lines. Addictive as cocaine, flour and sugar are. Made perfect sense to me. There were other bright lines I wasn’t ready to get on board with- weighing your food, eating 3 times per day. Period. Writing down the next day’s food and eating only what you wrote. I didn’t care about those. But no sugar and no flour sounded good. So, starting on Oct 3rd, and weighing 212, I started an atkins-like diet, except I could eat potatoes, rice, fruit and triscuits, although in moderation. I still would have an afternoon snack, but no evening snack. I got used to it pretty quickly, and was feeling good. Decided to weigh every two weeks. After the first 2 weeks, I lost 6 lbs. I was writing down what I ate. The diet looked like this:

Breakfast- 2 cups of coffee with cream, no artificial sweeteners allowed.

6 triscuits with natural peanut butter and a banana.

Lunch- Chef Salad

Snack- 20 raw almonds and 1 babybel cheese

Dinner- Taco meat on arugula

Thanksgiving came and I was worried because my Mom was coming and usually diets go right out the window when Mom comes. I had already decided that I was going to allow myself stuffing and gravy. I didn’t allow myself peanut butter cookies, which I love. I was so proud of myself. But the scale just got more and more depressing. I managed to get to 198.6 (which thrilled me because I love getting under 200- 200 is the number that I really can’t stand), but then 2 weeks would go by with no loss, and then 2 weeks later, 2 pound gain, and then 2 weeks later, nothing. I was like “Really? Already?” When you have 75lbs to lose, you don’t expect to get stalled 10lbs in. That’s part of the problem, too- those pesky expectations. 

Finally, I gave in and broke my bright lines about a week before Christmas. I was tentative at first, but then it was like the “just one cigarette”- yesterday found me swigging liberally at egg nog throughout the day (and there are like 500 calories in a half a cup of eggnog!) Funny thing about eggnog- I was watching “Mike & Molly” the other day- Molly was depressed about something, swigging nog from the container, sitting on the couch near Vince. Vince says “I never understand how you can drink that stuff without the liquor- it’s basically pancake batter!” OMG- I almost peed my pants- it’s so true. But even seeing that didn’t put me off the stuff, unfortunately. But yes- I’ve been eating all of the peanut butter cookies I missed at Thanksgiving, and plenty of chocolate!

Ok- this post is long enough, so here’s the plan:

Plan A- I am going to try HCG drops for the next month- 2 days of carb loading followed by 3 or 4 weeks of a strict diet- no breakfast, except coffee (I must have my coffee), then protein plus veggies for lunch and dinner. If I make it that far, then I have a few weeks of a modified plan to ease me in to regular eating. I can expect to lose 20-30 lbs if I am successful.

After Plan A has been completed (I could do another round, but I have to wait 8 weeks after the original 28 days before trying again), or if Plan A is not completed,

Plan B- Weight Watchers. I’ve never tried it, and I believe that new things work the first time around (like the nicotine patches worked for me). This year I can afford it, I work from home so I can go to the Tuesday 9:30 am meetings. And I love me some Oprah! I love the idea of Weight Watchers because:

1- Supposedly, you can eat whatever you want, nothing is off limits

2- Weekly weigh ins- never done that, either. I would think that keeps you motivated

3- Camaraderie- maybe I can make some new like-minded friends.

Ok- that’s enough for today, I’ll be back tomorrow with the dreaded weight. I haven’t weighed in several weeks, so I’m anxious/worried to see what the number is.

Do you have any goals this year? Let’s do it together!