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#I GRADUATED from an online high school
fictionadventurer · 2 years
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#if i weren't so afraid of sharing info online#and of sounding like i think i'm special or something#i'd share my birth story with you#a big reason i'm so staunchly pro life is that i got to survive when so many children who were so much more developed than me#got torn limb from limb with the full consent of the law#i was a medical emergency#i endangered my mother's life#yet no one wanted to kill me#no one said it was necessary to crush my skull to save my mother#i was delivered#far too early#far too small#you know what i'll just say it: 24.5 weeks#at a regular catholic hospital that doesn't do abortions#had i been a few days younger it would have been legal for any state in the union to abort me at that age#roe v wade required it#yet i had doctors and nurses fighting tooth and nail for months to make sure i survived and survived healthy#i was supposed to be blind and brain-damaged#i have low-prescription lenses and graduated as valedictorian of my high school class#i got the chance that so many other babies didn't#there's almost a form of survivor's guilt#there's anger on behalf of my fellow preemies#the ones who are lucky enough to stay in the womb yet have doctors and mothers fighting to kill them#you say they're not a person?#was *i* not a person?#was *i* worthless?#there were people who thought i wasn't and i'm grateful for it every day#but the thing is none of those other babies are worthless#none of them are monsters destroying their mothers' lives#they are helpless infants who want to live who deserve to live who have no less right to live than i did
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emi1y · 4 months
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sorry I scrolled your blog so much just now. I haven’t been active much lately and it was nice to just see what you were up to. Also hello yeah move in with him that’s exciting
lolz i also havent been active much latelyy shout out to us having lives outside of our phones 🤙🏻 HOPE YOU'VE BEEN WELL ^_^
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fakeoutbf · 1 year
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#anxiety tw#i just watched lewis’ documentary#this is gonna be a little tmi so bear with me#genuinely did not know that much about him personally so it’s fucking wild to see all the pressures and anxieties he had to face after#the success of his first album like i can’t even imagine feeling so much pressure over something so complex#huge love to him honestly#i’m gonna side step a little from bc i was watching it with my mom right#and mental illnesses are so fucking complex and different for every person that has them right#so we get to the big climax in which it all starts to build up for him right#and i’ve never said this online before right but my brother’s has diagnosed autism since he was a toddler and he has add and anxiety on top#and my mom’s always been very on top of that with him and tried to get him therapy and shit for it for years#and medication and all that stuff#like to the point where i remember going out of town to get him to a doctor and get him meds and shit#and he hasn’t taken anything in a while and my mom kind of chilled about it after he graduated high school#so she goes ‘you know that’s how your brother is like’ while we’re seeing lewis experience his own anxiety etc#while i’m over here almost crying bc it definitely hit close to home for me and my own personal experience#and it feels so fucking shitty that like bc a professional has never told us that i have an anxiety disorder or depression or any other#fucking mental illness that my mom just brushes off my own feelings and struggles#when some days i can barely get up in the morning and somedays i think about not doing it anymore and every day i sort of harm myself#so i just tell her to shut up and she gets mad when like#i’ve had to hide it for years so she doesn’t get worried then hit the breaking point and asked for help and they didn’t do anything about it#idk i guess i’m just tired of being pushed aside when i’m clearly aching
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lqnar · 2 years
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i should write this stuff in my diary
#yeah i started a journal#i need to use my stickers for SOMETHING right#i love stationery it is my newest obsession#i'm spending so much money on it but i usually don't buy stuff so it's okay it's fine i will survive.#''i usually don't buy stuff'' ok liar but what i meant is that i generally only splurge on food.#which obviously isn't great all of the time. hence the bulimia.#so buying stickers and washi tape to feel an ounce of happiness is fine.#i used to journal/vent in a notebook in high school#i ripped out every single page and threw it out at one point#i think close to graduation?#it was really helpful to vent all my feelings in it but it was also really dark stuff about my depression and suicide plans#and also my trauma. and every single song lyric i related to at the time#so basically a lot of uncomfortable embarrassing and sad stuff that i didn't want anyone else to see or reread myself#so it's all gone#as is most of my venting from that time. i had a 50 k word document with venting at one point. that's  a whole book#50 k words sounds insane it might just have been 50 pages i can't remember tbh. but still a lot of words.#it's gone now. i deleted everything about that situation and every single one of my tumblr posts when i was going to kill myself#i tend to clean out my life and my embarrassing online posts and every note i have ever written when i think i'm going to die soon.#i'm not suicidal anymore but it still is a mindset i somewhat still have. like oh better remember to delete these embarrassing posts#before i kms.#like ok king but have you considered mental health as a Choice bro just wondering
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tiixij · 2 years
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i will change my major and go "this is it. this is the one im going to complete" then after one semester go "hmm.. what if i changed my major..."
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asmallcafethatslove · 2 years
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My brother turned 18 today and his bestie whom is going to the same college as him surprised him with cake and I’m just happy that he’s got himself good friends and i hope he just enjoys college and life in general and live his best life 🥲
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immortalfornow · 5 months
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to any of my followers with children: do not have them graduate high school years and years early unless you understand the nuances of how college works and can keep them up to date with all the higher education goals that aren't just keeping a good GPA
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saturniidaez · 9 months
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Blinks. Usually don't like doing this but the people we usually vent to are asleep </3. Read the tags at your own discretion.
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lheiwa · 10 months
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Once again attempting to revive my tumblr era but with this blog. I still use my main blog but that’s more personal.
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what-even-is-thiss · 1 month
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Sometimes something shows up on your tumblr doorstep that’s such a chronically online take that it sticks with you for months or perhaps even years afterwards and for me this is when I shared a funny anecdote from going to a high school graduation and someone told me it was creepy that I as an adult was going to a high school graduation
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inkykeiji · 1 year
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hi clari! first off, ur hair looks so cute!! i think it suits u really well! second, i think u said a while back that u limit ur social media intake and i was just curious to know what apps do u refrain from using and what apps do u have…
hi anon bb!! (´∀`)♡ thank you so much!!!!! i rly love it hehe i feel like myself again (*/ω\*)
ah yes!!! so i actually only use tumblr on a daily basis, believe it or not! tumblr is the only social media site that i check every day and that i regularly post to. i technically have a twitter account and have an instagram account, but i don’t post to either of them at all and only check them once or twice a week on average (usually to look for something specific ie leaks).
omg i ran out of tags LMAO it’s been a while since that happened but anyway my thoughts are down there!!! i hope you have a lovely friday sweetpea <3 stay safe and stay healthy!!! ♡(˃͈ દ ˂͈ ༶ )
#instagram is something i could see myself using in the future but i just have literally nothing to post there atm#like i think it would be fun to have an instagram that works in conjunction with my blog but#currently i have no photos to post there!!! like as a writer i’d love to post desk tours and set up stuff etc#except i don’t have a desk right now LMAO#so maybe one day in the future when i finally have my own office space/writing studio#but for now there’s nothing there for me#and then twitter is just hell on earth like#i always leave that app feeling worse than when i opened it#everyone over there is chronically online and just ??????? very odd#it helps that none of my irl friends use social media for personal purposes as well#so none of us have like personal accounts yk??#and i stay far far faaaar away from my family on social media HAHAHA#blocked everyone i went to high school with pretty much exactly when i graduated high school so#there’s no temptation to go like check up on anyone; i also genuinely do not care what they’re doing so that helps as well#idk honestly i think it comes down to 1. having no desire to be on those sites/apps and 2. having extreme self control#any time i even think about just mindlessly scrolling my head goes ‘yeah but think of all the other more fun and more productive things you#could be doing that will make you feel 100 times better than being on either of those apps’#and then im like ur right brain!!!!! and then the desire is gone!!#so hopefully that makes sense?????#i think that the internet and social media can be extremely beneficial especially for artists of all mediums as well as those looking to#connect with certain communities or groups (whether that be activist groups or support groups or fandoms etc)#and i think that’s really incredible#BUT at the same time it’s a double-edged sword and it can be extremely detrimental and toxic to us and our health#especially with the (pseudo) anonymity the internet provides people with that just completely robs them of any empathy they might’ve had#and the comparison culture etc etc you know the list goes on forever#SO to me the best thing anyone can do is use the internet/social media with an intent and purpose in mind and STICK TO IT#so for example i use it to share my writing with others#that’s my focus; that’s my goal. i’ll share a few surface bits and pieces of my life with everyone here but my main focus is to share my#writing. so keeping that goal in mind helps to keep me from straying from it and spending too much time online#i’ve really rambled here ugh i hope this makes sense hehe i just woke up like an hour ago so i’m still 😴😴😴 hahaha
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jinkies · 1 year
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please enjoy my emotional breakdown in the tags
#originals#text#genuinely want to kms soooo much because im so fucking stupid and i hate myself so much#wont be able to graduate college bc i cant pass calc 2#i literally took calc 1 5 years ago and they are fully expecting me to not only remember that#but also all of the precalc and trig that i too in high school#im literally 24 i took trig 9 years ago#and i was doing ok#i was 3 points away from having a C- which is what i need to pass the fucking class#and then they put in the grade for our most recent test that we took last week and i somehow did worse on that one than i did on the one#i took while i had covid?????#i got a 40.5 on the first one and a 37 on the second one#and because im stupid and did so fucking bad on the second one my 3 points from passing turned into 10 points away from passing#im literally doing just as bad if not worse than i did last fall when i took this class online and therefore didnt attend#any of the lectures#ive gone to almost every lecture i was able to this time and i took notes and i did the homework and i tried to study and it still#doesnt matter#because im a fucking idiot#i dont know what to do#if i cant graduate in december my f*ther will kill me#not literally but i will be cut off entirely financially#and i wont be able to get any of the jobs ive been applying for because ive been applying with the implication that im going to graduate#and then ill be stuck in this shitty apartment in this fucking town in the state ive never left#and ill have to find a new job that will probably be more difficult and pay less than what i have now because i took this job on contract#im only employed there until january#because i thought id be able to leave this fucking place#it might be better if i just died
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violet-snail-sfw · 1 month
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The first time I saw a trans woman was in porn. I was pretty young then, in early middle school I think. My first thoughts about trans women only existed in a sexual context, since that was the only place I saw us mentioned
The next time I saw trans people mentioned was a TV show presumably about trans people and transitioning. I didn't watch it, only saw the description because even as a kid I had already internalized the idea that it was taboo and I would get in trouble if my parents walked in and I was watching it
Eventually I saw enough TV and cop shows to see an episode with the dead trans hooker trope. It further reinforced the building idea that trans women were something else, separate from "normal" people and always on the outskirts of society
And then Caitlyn Jenner came out. At my Catholic middle school there were few kind things said about her and plenty of nasty comments, but this was the first time I saw trans people being publicly talked about
In high school my views on trans people started to fracture. On one hand, I was being pushed the idea that gender was about what's in your pants, that if you've got a dick your a man and there's nothing that can be done about it. On the other hand, early high school me had stumbled across some gender change erotica and quickly became obsessed with it. While it wasn't great representation, it was still pretty positive about transitioning. The people in those stories were always happier afterwards
I struggled to reconcile what parts of society were saying about trans people with my daydreaming about what I'd do if I woke up the next morning as a girl. Eventually I decided that it was just a fetish. I just thought it was hot, there was no way I could be trans because I was just a normal person. I wasn't weird or a spectacle for others to gawk at, I was just a person
Around that time I also met a trans person in passing for the first time. One of the trans guys at my high school was in one of the musicals that I went to because some of my friends were also in them. When I was talking to my friends about it after someone mentioned the trans guy and that he was trans. I wasn't really sure what to think so I kinda just didn't think about it. Thinking back, there were a few trans guys at my high school but I don't think there was a single out trans woman
Eventually in college I actually met some trans and nonbinary people. In some classes we introduced ourselves on the first day with names and pronouns which was my first exposure to people using pronouns other than just he/him and she/her. I had a few classes with trans and nonbinary people, including a survey of transgender studies class I took in my last semester. I had plenty of excuses for why I was taking it (I needed a few more credits to graduate. It still had room open. It fit with my other classes. It seemed interesting. I'm trying to be a good ally.)
Around this time as well I found some trans creators online like ContraPoints and Philosophy Tube (whom I had watched before she came out as trans). I was weirdly excited and interested when Odyssey Eurobeat came out as trans and I went to go listen to some of her music right after I heard. I was starting to have examples of trans people just being people. Not just porn stars or public spectacles, but people
Later I met and befriended a few trans women, one of whom was extremely open about her transness and happened to share a video which started the initial steps of my egg cracking and figuring out who I am now
If I had actually known any trans women, if the world had been kinder to trans people, if representation of trans women as people existed and was well known, I might have been able to realize who I was sooner. I would have been able to exist as myself for more than a tiny fragment of my life so far
Representation matters, both in media and in daily life. Trans people being out and open about who they are made it possible for me to realize that about myself. Please never stop being who you are
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amisonist · 2 months
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fuck it transition timeline
I was originally gonna wait until July to do this because that'll mark 3 years on E but I feel like now's a good time all things considered
With that out of the way lets start from the beginning AKA freshman year (AKA 2018)
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This was on my way to band camp which is why you can see my trombone in the background (random fact: that was the only year I got to do marching band and our show was "the music of harry potter". yeah irony's a bitch ain't she?)
Graduation picture featuring the bestest boi Jinn :3
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This pic is from 2020 because I switched to online and finished high school early out of spite (I was 16 here if you were wondering)
Now then this is from 2021 and was taken only about a week before I started hrt when I was 17
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The lake in the background is Lake Superior in case you were wondering. Me and my mother were all the way up on the Keweenaw Peninsula for my family's 4th of July party held at the family farm
Moving on from that I started HRT on July 22 2021 (the appointment was at 9:30 am and I took my first dose at 7:42 pm yes I kept track)
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This was taken like a half hour after my first dose (I actually don't really like this pic that much but I'm including it because it is important)
Fast forward from that a year to 2022 when I was 18 and here are a few pics of me around then one of which again featuring best boi Jinn
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(it was windy out that day and he tried to bite me immediately after this lmao)
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I've never been particularly good at taking selfies lmao
That brings us to now. I've been on hrt for about 2.5 years now if my math is correct. I'm pretty much living full time as a woman, started laser hair removal a couple months ago (next apt is actually tomorrow lol), and I'm working on getting my legal name and gender changed. It's been a long ride thus far and I don't really plan on stopping anytime soon so yeah here ya go
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So that's it! At least thus far lol
also fuck photomatt 🚗🔨💥
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art · 1 month
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Creator Spotlight: @chaaistheanswer
Hi everyone! I am Clara, but you can also call me chaa! I am a digital artist based in Auckland, New Zealand, with a bachelor’s degree in Creative Media Production. After graduating from uni, I moved out to pursue my art career and I’ve been a freelance digital artist ever since. I love concept art, especially character design! Creating characters influenced by my love for fantasy is what I live for. Thank you for stopping by, and I hope you enjoyed my art! And thank you, Tumblr, for this opportunity!
Check out our interview with Clara below!
Did you originally have a background in art? If not, how did you start?
I specialized in art in high school and have a bachelor’s degree in Creative Media Production from Massey University with an animation pathway. For our thesis film, which I worked on with several of my classmates, I took on the role of producer, art director, and concept artist. Our short film was featured in the Wellington Film Festival Terror-Fi in 2020. After graduating, I went on to become a freelance artist, but my goal is to work for the gaming industry as a character concept artist. Ever since I first picked up a pencil, I knew I wanted to become an artist!
Have you ever had an art block? If so, how did you overcome it?
Art block is quite common among artists, and unfortunately, I too have fallen prey to the affliction. I have several ways of overcoming art block: watching movies, playing games, reading, or going out for a drive with my sister. These are just a few things I love to do to help keep my creative juices flowing!
What is one habit you find yourself doing a lot as an artist?
I tend to obsessively research about completely unrelated topics while I draw. I find learning new things helps improve my concept designs, especially in creating backgrounds for my characters.
Over the years as an artist, what were your biggest inspirations behind your creativity?
Video games and anime were my biggest inspirations! Anything with a captivating story that’ll send me to the edge of my seat, and loveable characters. I’m particularly drawn to high and dark fantasy.
How has technology changed the way you approach your work?
Technology has made a huge impact on us artists over the last few years. I used to draw a lot on paper, but since getting a tablet, I find myself searching for the undo and redo buttons and even trying to zoom constantly while I draw on paper. I used to only draw for myself as well, but after posting my art online, I now have an audience to whom I can share my art. Because of this, I am able to earn a living doing what I love by creating illustrations for clients.
What is a recent creative project that you are proud of?
I am very proud of this recent commission I’ve done for a client! Fortunately, the piece turned out exactly how I wanted it to look, and my client was very happy with the result. I am also in the process of working on a Webtoon, which is going as smoothly as I hoped it would be before its re-release!
What advice would you give to younger you about making art that's personal or truthful to your own experiences?
The best advice I would give my younger self is to never hold back! Try not to think about the negatives of creating and sharing art that you believe in. Embrace vulnerability, and don’t be afraid to dig deep into your own emotions and experiences. Always explore, and don’t limit yourself to your own bubble. And most important of all, stay true to yourself! Stay true to your values and beliefs, and never compromise your own authenticity for the sake of pleasing others. Your art is a reflection of you as a person.
Who on Tumblr inspires you and why?
@yuumei-art has been an inspiration to me since my early Deviantart days. I admire how she uses her skills to focus on environmentalism and cyber activism. @nipuni is another inspiration of mine. I found her when I was in the process of recovering from Dragon Age Solavellan hell. I admire how she manages to capture faces well while also sticking to her style. Her paintings are so beautiful and very pleasing to my eyes!
Thanks for stopping by, Clara! If you haven't seen her Meet the Artist piece, be sure to check it out here. For more of Clara's work, follow her Tumblr, @chaaistheanswer!
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yuta-nation · 5 months
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Light Shower (Yuta Okkotsu)
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summary: your big brother butts into your sex life, and you both get more than you bargained for.
content: dead dove (do not eat), incest/stepcest (left unclear), big bro!yuta, afab fem!reader (no pronouns but referred to as girl, sister, ect.), inexperienced!reader, oral (m -> f), protected p -> v, squirting, fingering, possessive!yuta, pillow princess!reader, mentions of alcohol but reader is not drunk.
wc: 3.8k
a/n: HEED THE CONTENT WARNINGS !! I HAVE MADE SHIT SO FUCKING CLEAR !!! anyways, i've been working on this fic for months, and i'm so happy it's finally done ! this whole thing is dedicated to @princess-okkotsu for being nasty with me and lovely to me.
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You had many reasons for moving in with your older brother for your last year of undergrad. You and Yuta hadn’t lived together since he was 16 and you were 13, separated for reasons you still didn’t understand. The only time he’d visited you and your parents after he moved out had been for your high school graduation. You’d missed him a lot, but you kept in close contact online and over the phone, texting constantly and calling a few times a week with video calls sprinkled in. Despite the physical distance, your brother had become your best friend. When you told him you were planning to attend university in Tokyo, he was elated, talking about how he couldn’t wait to show you around and how excited he was to see you more often. He had kept his word, taking you all around the city during your first few weeks in Tokyo, handing you a key to his apartment, and telling you you were welcome over any time, even if he wasn’t home. He took you out to breakfast every Sunday morning and invited you over to watch movies every Wednesday evening. Your relationship thrived with the new proximity. 
Moving in with your brother would allow you to connect as siblings in a way you missed out on growing up. Yuta also lived closer to campus than you did, meaning you wouldn’t have to take the train. You liked your current roommates well enough, but they always had people over when you were studying and rarely cleaned their messes in the kitchen. Yuta was tidy and quiet. And finally, you were broke. Undergrad was expensive, the city was expensive, and grad school wouldn’t be cheap either. Yuta was willing to let you move in rent-free, declining your offer to at least pay utilities. 
 “I don’t need my baby sister’s money,” he’d said with a smile and finality that shut down any argument you tried to conjure.
You’d accepted the offer and moved in about a month ago. Living with Yuta was as easy as breathing. He was a courteous and generous roommate. He did his share of the chores and often offered to help you with your own. He brought you coffee and snacks while you studied. He carried the bags when the two of you went grocery shopping. 
And he was fun. Almost every moment the two of you spent together was full of laughter. You and Yuta cooked dinner together every night you were both home, talking and joking about your days. You weren’t sure what Yuta did for work; he’d always been vague, but you figured it had something to do with the government. But you enjoyed his stories about his coworkers and their antics. And Yuta seemed just as invested in your stories about your friends and daily life. He asked questions and remembered names and offered advice.
 The only thing you didn’t feel comfortable talking with your big brother about was your love life. Talking to Yuta about guys just felt like crossing an unspoken line. It’s not like much was going on in that aspect of your life anyway; you were too busy with school to seek out new people. Once in a while, one of your friends would set you up on a date with someone. You didn’t mind their meddling; you knew it came from a good place, and they were good judges of character. However, you had yet to hit it off with any of these match-ups. There just wasn’t that spark. So when your friend told you she’d met someone in her Econ class that would be perfect for you, you were a mix of skeptical and excited. After some persuading, you agreed to go out with Mr. Econ. 
Now you stood in the entryway, checking yourself in the mirror a final time and looking through your purse to check that you had everything. 
“Oh, are you going somewhere? I thought we were watching a movie tonight?” You turned to see your brother putting dishes in the sink.  
“Oh, Yu,  I’m so sorry. I totally forgot. I have a date tonight, so–”
“A date?” Yuta turned to face you with a raised brow, crossing his arms over his broad chest.
“Yeah, my friend set me up with a guy from her class. We’re going for drinks.”
“You’re meeting a man you’ve never met for drinks? And you didn’t think to tell me?”
“Yuta, please don’t pull the big brother act. I’m an ad–”
“It’s no act. I am your brother. It’s my job to look out for you.”
“My location is on. I’ll text you when I get there and am on my way home. Deal?”
“No.”
“What do you mean no? Yuta, you can’t ju–”
“I require a hug before I let you leave,” he said simply as a boyish grin spread over his lips. You fought your own smile as you walked into his open arms. You sighed as you felt his strong arms squeeze you tight.
“Be safe. Call me if you need me to come get you, yeah?” Yuta whispered in your ear, swaying you a bit as he spoke. 
“I will, I promise,” you said as you detangled yourself from his arms. You returned your focus to the mirror, straightening your top before grabbing your keys. 
“Wait. Do you need a condom?”
“W-what?”
“A condom. Let me go grab you one–”
“No!”
“What do you mean no? You can’t–”
“No–I mean, I already have some. Yuta, never say that word again,” you said as fire burned in your cheeks and ears.
“Condom.”
“I’m leaving.”
“I love you,” he called when you opened the door.
“Love you too.”
You were back home in a little over an hour. You couldn’t hold back your sigh as you reentered the apartment and removed your shoes. You didn’t hear the TV in the living room; Yuta must’ve forgone watching the movie by himself and went to his room. You felt a pang of guilt at that. You should’ve stayed home and watched a movie with your big brother instead of going out with an idiot business major who just wanted to fuck. You walked over to Yuta’s bedroom door and knocked.
“Yu, just letting you know I’m home,” you called out. You heard shuffling on the other side of the door, opening a few seconds later to reveal your shirtless brother. His brow was furrowed in concern as he looked down at you. 
“You said you’d text when you were on your way back. It’s still early. Did something happen?”
“No, he was just an ass. I’m going to go take my make-up off. We can still watch that movie if you want.”
“What’d he do?” Yuta asked with a hardness in his voice that you’d never heard before. You turned to face him and were met with dark blue eyes boiling with fury. You were grateful to know that his rage wasn’t directed at you; the look on his face was bone-chilling. 
“Nothing, we just had different definitions of the term ‘date.’” 
“What does that mean?”
“He just wanted to fuck. I didn’t, so I left.”
“Oh, thank God. I don’t like the idea of you having sex,” he said with a relieved sigh.
“I’m a fucking adult, Yuta. I can have sex if I want to. Though lucky for you, sex sucks,” you said hotly, turning on your heel to leave. You loved him, but Yuta had a way of getting under your skin. Your retreat was halted by his hand grabbing yours. You turned to face him; a look of confusion splayed across his features again. 
“Now, what do you mean by that?”
“Yu, I really don’t want to discuss my sex life with you. I’d actually rather die.”
“Hey, you can’t just drop that tidbit and not elaborate,” he said, maintaining his firm grip on your hand. 
“Yuta…”
“I’m not going to judge you. You can tell me about anything, you know that,” Yuta said with soft eyes. He tugged lightly on your hand, guiding you into his room. He gestured for you to sit on the bed while he sat in his desk chair. You sat down, suddenly finding Yuta’s spotless bedroom floor captivating. 
“What’s so bad about sex?” he asked gently. You knew that if you looked at him, he’d be making those puppy dog eyes that always had you spilling your guts to him. 
“Me. I’m not good at it, so I don’t like it.”
“Not good?”
“I’ve never…y’know.”
“Never what?”
“I’ve never finished, okay?”
“You’ve never cum before?”
“I do when I’m by myself. I just can’t with other people for some reason. I’m fucking broken. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go die in a hole.”
“Do not be embarrassed,” Yuta said firmly as he stood and crossed the room to kneel before you. He took your chin in his hand and guided you to look him in the eye.
“You are not broken. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s not your fault if you’ve only been with partners who don’t know how to satisfy you.” 
Something in Yuta’s reassuring tone forced the damn to break. Tears spilled from your eyes as you fought back the lump in your throat. A sob racked your body as Yuta joined you on the bed and wrapped you in his arms before he lifted you into his lap. He rubbed slow circles on your back as you cried and placed a kiss on your hair. 
After a few minutes, your tears subsided enough for you to speak.
“I’m sorry, Yuta, this isn’t your problem,”
“Don’t be sorry, sweetie. You’re hurting, and that is my problem.”
“There’s nothing you can do about it, though.”
“Who said that?”
“What?” you asked, raising your head to look at your brother. 
“I can help you.”
“How?”
“I can make you cum.” Yuta said with the same smile and finality he had when he convinced you to move in with him. 
“No, you can’t. You’re my brother, Yuta.”
“And it’s my job as your brother to take care of you. Let me help you. Let me show you how sex is supposed to be.”
“It’s not right, Yu. We can’t.”
“Just once. No one will know. I want you to know what it’s like to feel good. You deserve to feel good.”
“...Just once?”
“Yeah, only tonight.”
“I trust you, Yuta,” you said, meeting his eyes of your own accord. 
Yuta’s kiss was so gentle it almost brought tears back to your eyes. His lips slotted against yours with hesitance, like he expected that at any moment, you would bolt from his lap, out the door, and out of his life forever. But you knew you wouldn’t. You couldn’t deny how handsome your big brother was, how you adored his deep blue eyes and full lips, how enamored you were with his size, his large hands and broad shoulders. You couldn’t deny how much you wanted him right now.  You deepened the kiss, grazing your tongue over his lips, coaxing him to let you in. He opened up to you, allowing you to explore his mouth.
Yuta shifted you in his lap so that you were straddling him, large hands gripping your waist. You grinded down on him as you laced your fingers through his dark hair. You pulled gently, eliciting a soft moan from the man below you.
“Fuck, I could kiss you all night, baby.  You taste so good. But I gotta make you cum. Wanna taste you somewhere else,” Yuta whispered against your lips. You felt your core pulse at his words.
“Take this pretty dress off for me and lay down,” he ordered after giving your lips a final peck. You did as you were told, slowly unzipping your dress and letting it pool at your feet. You stepped out of the fabric and climbed back onto the bed, resting your head on the pillows. 
Yuta joined you on the bed, settling at your feet. He took hold of both of your ankles and gently pulled them apart, spreading your legs. You could see the desire burning in his eyes as they made contact with the crotch of your panties. Your face heated as you imagined the growing wet spot forming there. Before you could close your legs out of embarrassment, Yuta moved forward to brush his fingers over your clothed cunt. 
“You’ve been torturing me, baby, parading around in these cute little panties. Been haunting my dreams with them. Gonna let me take ‘em off, let me see your pretty pussy?” He asked, almost begging. You nodded your consent, and Yuta placed a kiss on your covered clit before pulling your damp panties off. He stifled a moan at the sight of strings of slick clinging to the fabric as he delicately removed the garment.
“Beautiful,” he whispered, breath fanning over your now-bared pussy. You watched as he tucked your panties in his pocket, and you felt your face warm even more at his actions. You gasped as you felt Yuta’s warm mouth wrap around your clit. He sucked gently before circling it with his tongue.
“Yuuuutaaaa,” you moaned at the unfamiliar yet extremely pleasant sensation. 
“Has anyone ever done this for you before baby?” he asked, voice thick with lust.
“N-no, no one,” you admitted, eager to feel his lips on you again.
“Good. Such a good girl, saving the first taste of this pussy for your big brother. So fucking sweet, baby,” he praised before diving back into your cunt. He lapped at your slit, collecting your slick on his tongue. You whined at the feeling and the lewd sounds his mouth on your pussy produced. His tongue moved back to your clit, swirling around it before latching his lips around it. His fingers found their way to your slit, sliding one inside as he continued to suck your clit. He moaned at the tightness of your heat around his finger. It was hard for him to believe that anyone or anything had breached your walls before this moment based on the vice grip they had around him.
He worked his finger in and out of your heat steadily as he continued to suck and lick at your clit, relishing in the sounds of your moans and whines. After a minute or so, Yuta slipped another finger inside you, smiling against your clit at the mewl you let out at the addition. 
“Shh, it’s okay, baby. I’ve gotta prep you for me, okay? Gotta get you ready so you feel good, alright?” He cooed from between your legs. You nodded in understanding, desire pooling at your core. You heard Yuta tsk from his position below you. 
“Need you to use your words, pretty girl. You gotta use your voice for me.”
“O-okay. Wanna feel good, please, don’t stop!”
“That’s my girl. I’m gonna give you another finger, m’kay? You’re doing so well, pretty,” Yuta encouraged as he added a third finger, mouth returning to your clit with vigor. He was now determined for you to cum, to show you everything that you’d been missing. Everything he could give you. He fucked his fingers into you at a steady but deliberate pace. His mouth latched onto your clit, suckling firmly, using your moans and whines as a guide to how to pleasure you, how to pull more sounds from you, how to fill your brain with thoughts of him, him, and nothing else. 
“Yuta, Yuta! Cumming!” you squealed out, toes curling and back arching off the bed at the sensation of your orgasm beginning to roll over you. Yuta doubled his efforts, rolling his tongue over your clit as his fingers picked up the pace. One deep thrust of his fingers led to you practically screaming as you squirted all over your big brother’s face. Yuta couldn’t help his beaming smile as he removed himself from between your thighs as you finally settled from your high. 
“I am so sorry! I-I’ve never done that before. Please don’t be mad!” You begged as you took in his damp lips and chin. 
“Mad? Baby, why would I be mad? That was so fucking hot. Wanna make you do it again. Come here, give me a kiss. Want you to taste yourself, yeah?” You obliged, rising from the bed to meet your brother halfway. Your lips slotted against his and you marveled at the taste of yourself. You opened up your mouth for Yuta’s tongue to explore, more of your flavor exploding on your tongue at the intrusion. After a moment of sloppy making out, he finally pulled back to smile at you.
 “See how good you taste? Such a perfect girl.”
“Did I do good, Yuu?” you ask almost innocently, and Yuta wonders if you planned this, planned to seduce him tonight, planned you make his darkest, filthiest dreams come true. There was no way you were this perfect, this pure and trusting all for him. But looking in your eyes he could see the sincerity, the self-doubt, the need for approval. It made his already hard cock throb with need. 
You let out a yelp as Yuta practically tackled you to the bed, pinning you down with his legs on either side of yours and his arms forming a cage around your head. His face hovered over yours, an indiscernible look of intensity in his eyes.
“You did perfect, sweetheart. Fuck, feel that baby? That’s what you do to me,” he said as his hips bucked against yours, grinding his bulge against your soaked core. You moaned as he continued to hump against you like a teenager, bringing your legs to wrap around his hips in an attempt to bring him closer. After several moments, he pulled away, untangling your legs from around his waist. 
“Think you’re ready, sweetheart? Wanna give you my cock, want you to cum on it. Think you can?”
“Wanna try, Yuu, need your cock so bad,” you confessed, longing for the feeling and heat of him against you again. You heard him swear as he reached for the waistband of his sweats, yanking them down with his boxers. He quickly pulled them off, abandoning them on the floor with your dress. You let out a gasp when you finally saw his bare cock. It was the biggest you had ever seen in person, and it was so pretty it made your mouth water. 
“A-are you sure it’s gonna fit?” you asked hesitantly.
“We’ll make it, yeah? You’re a big girl, you can take it,” he said reassuringly as he took his cock into his hand, stroking it slowly. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from the motion, drool pooling in your mouth at the sight. Yuta approached you again, framing your body with his own. 
“Where’s that condom you were talking about?” 
“Purse.”
“That’s too far,” he said resolutely, reaching over to his nightstand and opening the drawer. He pulled out a square of gold foil and brought it to his mouth before slamming the drawer closed. You watched as he ripped the packet open with his teeth, catching the rubber in his open palm. He spit the wrapper out, and you watched as it fluttered towards the floor. Yuta rocked back onto his heels, sheathing his cock in the condom before returning to cage your body with his.
“I’m gonna put it in now, okay?” he asked as he lined himself up with your slit.
“Yeah, ‘m ready,” you said, feeling the head of his cock press against your opening. 
Slowly, Yuta sank into your heat, moaning at the tightness that enveloped him. You whined along with him, the stretch of him burning beautifully as he filled you. You’d never felt so full, so complete. After what felt like ages, he finally bottomed out inside you. 
He remained still, giving you time to adjust to the fullness, but you soon grew impatient, rocking your hips down.
“You can move Yuu, want you to.”
That was all the encouragement he needed to begin thrusting into you. Shallow at first, before pulling further out only to fuck into you even deeper. Yuta was perfect, fucking you deep and steady, using his free hand to toy with the nipple that wasn’t in his mouth. You were quickly overstimulated by the feeling of his mouth, cock, and fingers. All you could do was whine combinations of your brother’s name and curses as he fucked you into the mattress. 
“You take my cock so fucking well, baby. I was born for you, this dick was made just for you,” he growled against your chest, punctuating his point with a especially deep thrust. 
“Love your cock, Yuta! Feels so good!”
“Fuck yeah baby, ready to cum f’me?”
“Yes, yes, wanna cum!” you proclaimed as you felt his hand move from your nipple to your clit. He began rubbing tight circles around the bud as his hips moved relentlessly against yours. He pulled his lips off your nipple with a pop, moving up to kiss your hungry lips. 
“Such a good girl for me, such a perfect little sister, letting your big brother fuck your tight little pussy. Gonna let me do it again yeah? Not gonna be satisfied after one time, are you?” He whispered against your lips.
“No, want this all the time, feels so good Yuta! Never stop, ‘m so close, so close!”
“Come on, you can do it. Squirt all over your big brother’s cock baby! Make a mess, make a fucking mess all over me!” he urged, rubbing your clit faster as his thrusts gained speed. His dirty mouth sent you over the edge, the tight band of pleasure in the pit of your tummy snapping. You gushed on Yuta’s cock with a shriek, eyes seeing white as you came. You could barely hear his chants of “Good girl!” as he chased his own high. His hips stuttered and jerked as you milked him, finally stilling as he released his load into the piece of latex that separated you two. 
He lowered his damp forehead to rest against yours and the two of you caught your breath. After a few minutes, he pulled out and rolled from on top of you to lay beside you, wrapping you in his strong arms. You cuddled into them without a second thought, relishing in his warmth and protection. You both remained silent the whole time until you felt him take a deep breath.
“Do you…do you regret what we just did?” Yuta asked in a small voice.
“...No. Not even a little bit.”
“Thank god. We don’t have to do it again, I just wanted to make sure th–”
“What if I want to?”
“Huh?”
“What if I want to do it again?” you asked, adjusting so that you could look into his eyes.
“Then you’re gonna have to stop going on dates with shitty men.”
“Done. You’re the only man I need.”
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