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rosy-crow · 2 months
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The fact that I’m not even joking and this was an actual subplot in Rebirth lmaoo
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ohwellokcomputer · 5 years
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Michelle: What's wrong?
Peter: So I was carrying Mr Stark's soup over.
Michelle: Mhm
Peter: And half of my brain was like "careful, it's hot," and the other half was like "here's your soup."
Michelle: Mhm
Peter: So I said, "careful, it's soup."
Michelle:
Peter:
Michelle:
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lgbtbarbie · 3 years
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i tried watching princess adventure but i had to stop 2 minutes in im sorry the new barbie just really isn’t for me
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my-moon-taeil · 4 years
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Taeil taking the phone to talk during the vlive and holding it upside down the whole time is such a Taeil thing to do I’m on the floor hrfvjdkl
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Speaking of ot3s: As Bastion poured forth his fire from his gun, Genji's masterful swordwork deflected them all back at him. He wasn't expecting a response from Bastion like "Beep beep boooop." Zenyatta, hovering nearby, supplied a translation: "Your deflected bullets have struck my core processor like Cupid's arrow."
This is my life now. Bastion ship fic in my inbox.
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satoshihiwatari · 4 years
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gfdhjskl the plot twist when Agent Green is on the phone with Director Wadsworth, who finishes the call with “I’ve got to go, my nephew is here. Hey Adam, how are y-”
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byunlucid · 7 years
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deadpool or spiderman? i gotta know how sarcastic your humor is LMFAO
deadpool ghfdjsk i love it when characters break the 4th wall, no shade to mr. reynolds but i wish marvel studios had the rights for the hero :( id love to see him incorporated in the mcu 
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yuhengbeidou · 4 years
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slave au in which jiang xi goes to a slave auction personally for once 1:11 PM and sees a pair of battered, bloodied blond twins in shackles 1:12 PM gege: I don't like it also gege: DEEPER!!!
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I am in shambles please...jiang xi.......buy them 1:12 PM he wasn't going to buy them, actually he did not like this idea of slavery at all, he stopped gyy from using butterfly boned beauty for parts after all, but he was drawn by the sound of a whip and sees a pair of battered, bloodied blond twins in shackles
1:16 PM when the leather whip hit these men, they didn't cry out at all. if anything, their eyes were cold as steel, taking the whip with white knuckles silently a line of red split one of their's backs in two, and then another crisscrossed, new wounds on old scars they were dirty, their hair matted and caked with blood and dirt, and the only thing they had to cover their body was a dirty rag wrapped around their bottoms, just the bare minimum covering jiang xi thought that it was really unfortunate to be a slave, and he was about to turn away when he heard another sound. one of them had turned their back on the whip, covering the other with their body, and the whipmaster raised his whip higher, striking their face this time jiang xi decided then that he couldn't let this go on. he didn't say anything, just quietly paid the slave trader the sum it would take to buy 20 slaves, and walked away. his disciples would come and retrieve them later but before he could leave, one of them caught his eyes and held his gaze, and jiang xi felt something funny rolling in his stomach at that fierce glare from eyes so green they were like poison the bloody gash on that face kept on bleeding, the wounds on his back oozing, and he crouched protectively over what must be his brother who had already passed out from the punishment
JIANG XI HE'S...STUNNED...BY IT!!! yess yes yes forever going to remember gege;s eyes
1 1:22 PM the way home was quiet. jiang xi sat in his horse drawn carriage, going over the accounts from the day, taking a moment to pause at the large sum he paid for the slaves. he thought belatedly... how were they going to get back to gyy? and poked his head out the window. they weren't shackled anymore, but they were still led by their bound hands by a rope, trailing behind some horses, and the one who passed out earlier was barely able to keep up with the horses 1:23 PM so maybe jiang xi calls over one of his disciples and commanded him to put the slaves on a horse, "to get home faster, they are too slow" 1:25 PM . :(((((((((9 once at gyy he demands for them to be washed and dressed in the simplest but, still representative, gyy robes and given something to do in the kitchen or around the sect grounds it doesn't matter
but what if the twins are so beaten and everything + the probably long journey, didi falls sick...so sick even the elders are afraid he won't make it 1:27 PM yessssss didi falls extremely sick... they are both really dehydrated and malnourished, been beaten too many times, infections had set in... 1:28 PM
so jiang xi goes personally? to take care of him? and he's met once again with those cold, frosty green eyes and he tells gege to go take care of himself so he won't be bothersome and gege doesn't MOVE
1 1:28 PM
gfdhjskls; 1:30 PM it's true, as slaves they are probably completely illiterate and can only understand basic commands 1:30 PM
sorry?
1 1:30 PM
wah I can only hear gege going 不行不行:((( at everything
1 1:31 PM
like "won't do won't do".... "go eat!" "Won't do!" "Go sleep!" "won't do!!!" 1:31 PM it's the most useful word for him really... 1:31 PM
not until didi is awake
1 1:31 PM every time he says it, he looks as if he's expecting to be struck down, but nothing happens, and he goes from feral to wary to confusd he hovers over his brother. he can't understand much of what these people are saying, but he knows enough to tell that his brother's skin is too hot and feverish, his brother's eyes are scrunched shut as if he was in pain even in sleep, that the wounds on his brother's back are not healing and are angry and red, and every time they tried to feed his brother something, he threw it all up so when this man... who looked to be their very, very young master came over with a medicine bowl and fresh rags with a bowl of hot water, gege can only helplessly watch... but he will not leave didi's side 1:33 PM gege shaking, hunched over didi's body, refusing to let go of his hand! his tiny very thin fingers holding to didi's one so hard jiang xi thinks he might broke his brother's fingers but really, he's aware the kid can barely stand himself...he's kinda moved....
1 1:36 PM he tries to treat gege's wounds too but gege just shakes his head and point at didi and keeps saying "he, he, no me, he" and jiang xi just "is he dumb?"...but it's a full out war between the two of them, a kid and a youth...and gege wins because he doesn't let jiang xi touch him until didi's fever starts going down
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aND HOLY FUCK HNA THEY ARE XUE MENG'S AGE JIANG XI IS SO YOUNG HE'D BE WHAT, 20+???" 1:38 PM ................. UMM YEAH SO FUCKING YOUNG WTF 22-23 at most... omg baby jiang xi
1 1:38 PM when didi's condition has stabilized for the time being, gege finally lets jiang xi clean the wounds on his face and the long gash on his face. jiang xi mutters quietly something like, "why are you so stubborn, aren't you afraid this will scar? you should have let me treat it from the start" but gege just doesn't understand... he flinches back from jiang xi when jiang xi reaches out for his face
1 but when it's clear that jiang xi wasn't going to hurt him, gege shrinks back but let him touch 1:41 PM
MY FUCKING AGE UMMM he falls asleep curled around his little brother, his wounds bandaged, and he holds onto his brother's hands, so exhausted. jiang xi looks at them a moment before drawing a blanket over them both and blows out the candle
1 1:42 PM
damn...wait I NEED TO PROCESS THIS.... 1:43 PM he asks someone to teach them mandarin but....well gege at least knows that jiang xi is good...good enough to give them a room,,,a whole room for themselves, and to magically make didi better...so gege refuses to listen to anyone but jiang xi,,,when what didi sees gege doing, didi does
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jiang xi is exasperated he's trying to lead an entire sec on his own, he still has to study, but somehow he has two children he needs to take care of...and he does
1 1:45 PM HE STILL HAS TO STUDY lol this is from personal experience i assume
1 1:53 PM
I HATE HER I HATE 1:54 PM the gyy elders told jiang xi that he can't treat slaves like disciples, they were bought and sold, they're not really people, and jiang xi grows so livid like he would later do at the tianyin pavilion. "you think they don't bleed when you hit them? you think they don't hunger? why would you think they deserve anything less than your own children?"
well I'm 22 and still studying you were studying not so long ago jiang xi is one of us he goes through the uni struggles
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dU ROU? IDK I DON'T REMEMBER THE NAME ASSOCIATED WITH THE POLLIA BUT WHAT IF 1:55 PM I THINK IT IS DU RUO ROU SOMETHING LIKE THAT 1:56 PM
JIANG XI!!! jiang xi teaches mhxs...medicine 1:56 PM fuuuuuuuu ok let me look up the blind dates extras 1:56 PM i will look it up and cry
gfhdjkdl 1:56 PM Pollia japonica, known in Chinese as 杜若 “du ruo”. 1:57 PM Pollia japonica, known in Chinese as 杜若 “du ruo”
PLEAAASE 1:57 PM LOOOOL ONE BRAIN CELL 1:57 PM I CHOKED
so, xing'er...du ruo...possibilities
1 1:58 PM du is a surname?? 2:02 PM and when they return for the first time in 10 years to gyy
1 2:03 PM YES DU IS A SURNAME! my old roommate's cn name was du sha and it had that du in it too ghjkdks so,,,,really it could work wow
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and then they come back and jiang xi goes "shit THEY WERE CUTE WHAT DID HAPPEN AT KUNLUN!?!?!"
1 2:04 PM RIGHT since he's a foster son he wouldn't take jiang xi's surname... fuycking hell jiang xi adopted a kid for his surname du so he could name him ruo huh
1 2:05 PM it's yak milk. they drank a lot of yak milk at ktp 2:05 PM grew up big and strong... they are at least half a head taller than him now
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maybe he's jiang something...hmmm or maybe he has another name,, maybe jiang xi named him because he was probably an orphan or smt and didn't have a proper name....who knows? NOT US...ugh meatbun
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mhxs......teaming up on jiang xi
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... :(( 2:07 PM jiang xi can't fool them... they know him, even if he thinks he's good at hiding. they remember waking up in the middle of the night suffering from childhood fevers and finding jiang xi doing something in their room, like brewing medicine, etc. and changing the cold compresses on their heads jiang xi made sure they were "asleep" before coming in, but they were slave children who had to learn survival skills far too young and of course they heard him so now when jiang xi acts all angry toward them, they just smile privately between themselves 2:10 PM ...
I want...them...yifu..kink
1 2:11 PM
shuangmeijiang dp yifu KINK 2:12 PM OH MAYBE HE DID ADOPT THEM AFTER YELLING AT THE ELDERS HOLYYYYYYY SHIT PLEASE THIS IS WHAT WE HAVE BEEN MISSING OUT ON THE LAST SIN 2:12 PM
Asdfg YIFU?!? FUCKERY? SHUANGMEI YIFU KINK?
1 2:12 PM WITH SLAVE BACKGROUND
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the last sin pleaase as if we won't come up with something to top the eyeless kid one day
1 2:13 PM
I can feel the fandom shuddering in fear and they don't even know WHY
something beautiful~
1 2:16 PM jiang xi walks in on them in a gyy hot spring and they are doing something definitely not brotherly
1 they kept their distance from him since they got back, probably out of respect for him since he's been so testy, but this time when they see him from far away, they make eye contact and smile at him and jiang xi runs of course 2:17 PM
this is your child this au is yours raise it well just like xing'er was <3
1 2:19 PM the way i keep straying further from the light 2:19 PM
jiang xi "holy fuck are they fucking crazy?!!?"
1 2:19 PM i started out writing RANWAN OK
1 2:19 PM I satrted out with yifu fuckery~
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I'm coming back full circle idk
1 2:20 PM ranwan is so tame compared to half the shit this DM box has seen
1 2:20 PM
jiang xi wants to have a TALK with them okay?? but then he opens his mouth and nothing comes out oh, didi has a ready retort for that... "yifu, you have to open wider if you think--" and gege immediately slaps him because he still has SOME shame
1 2:21 PM that poor child with his mother as didi i just can't
1 2:21 PM when...when you...put it like that....."didi his mother"...it really...poor child oh god
1 wait I...have more...hcs this is really funny
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please shuandmeijiagn dp!!!! they's...drop hitns
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and all that they'd drive jiang xi crazy! be gentle, all filial piety, the perfect sons, then they make a 180 degrees turn and they look at him like they want to EAT HIM
1 2:27 PM I"M FUCKING CRYING THAT WHOLE CONVERSATION IS HILARIOUS BROHTERLY UNFREEZING 2:29 PM
and now we jumped to cockwarming
1 2:29 PM slowly unthawing that frozen dick well, can you blame shuangmei if jiang xi never felt like a "yifu" to them? they see him as their benefactor who rescued them and saved their lives literally, but he never took care of their day to day need, he kept his distance, he sent them away for training elsewhere... and when they came back, he still looked exactly the same as he did when they were kids now they even look a little older than him probably 2:34 PM mmmhm what if, he takes them to a medicine lesson? because no matter what, it would bring shame to gyy if they didn't know shit...and maybe didi is careless (or is he) and touches something slightly poisonous or something? and jiang xi's right there, so fast, to take care of him
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and then gege cuts himself and jiang xi's going crazy like can't you be serious for once??,,,and then they are serious for once but jiang xi feels bad...as if he commanded them,,,as if he threatened them </3
1 2:37 PM
he goes to ...say sorry or something later in the day and finds gege kissing didi's fingers where some wounds from the poison still have to heal and he's so tender while doing so "why did you do that hanxue?" "can you blame me, for wanting his affection once again? when that was the only good thing that ever happened to me gege??"
1 2:38 PM I need to process I NEED TO PROCESS NOT @ THEM HURTING THEMSELVES ON PURPOSE TO GET HIS MEDICAL ATTENTION AND THEN KISSING EACH OTHER'S FINGERS 2:45 PM Start a new message
didi goes into a narrative flashback we love this. "when i was young... when he first brought us back, i woke up several times, you know. i saw you there next to me, and you probably passed out. he was there too, and i don't htink he noticed i was awake. he seemed so tired, and i was confused... i didn't nkow what was going on "but then i think he heard me moving, so i closed my eyes again. and it is a little blurry, but i think i remember how gentle his fingers felt on my head, just stroking my hair back... gege, the way mother used to stroke our hair, do you remember?" wow i'm tearing up a little
slave babies "it was only for a moment, but i just knew things would be ok from then on... this person wouldn't let us come to harm anymore. gege, you kept taking whippings for me, how much longer could you have gone on for?" 2:49 PM "i was so grateful... that you wouldn't be hurt anymore, that he would protect us, protect you... even now i still see the old scars on your back... gege, what's a little poisoning now if i can get him to look at me like that again?" 2:50 PM jiang xi listens to all of this and feels like he's dangerously close to a heart attack. his face feels flushed, his chest feels tight, he needs to sit down... he drops his pipe, it clatters, and twin eyes turn on him 2:59 PM
the pin him down like a needle pinning a butterfly and he feels as if he's struggling for his last breath but he's simply just not moving, standing there in the doorway like a dumbass
1 3:01 PM
the twins go "yifu" at him....and jiang xi starts shaking because...he never had ulterior intentions, he simply wanted them to be free of that hell, to grow up to their full potential
1 3:02 PM when gege says it, his voice is low, tinged with warmth that doesn't normally exist... it's such a change, the low octave dropping straight to jiang xi's crotch
1 3:03 PM
but there he is, with them chasing after his affection, with them seeing through him as if he were a shard of spotless glass and jiang xi's just....looking at them...partially because he has no idea what to say? mostly because he simply wants them to make the first move and depending on it...he'll react
1 3:03 PM
OHOHOHO YIFU KINK BLOOMING
1 3:03 PM maybe gege takes on didi's fingers into his mouth and start sucking at the places that haven't quite healed yet, looking at jiang xi the whole time and didi tilts his head back, eyes half lidded, hair long and loose hitting the mattress and didi says, "yifu... i don't think gege is doing a great job at getting the poison out... it hurts" and jiang xi swallows hard and has to hold onto the wall to steady himself. 3:05 PM Start a new message Jiang xi is.... Going through a LOT POOR MAN he hears those words and. His heart hurts.. "that's nonsense!",,, but he doesn't go away but neither does he approaches them and gege takes that as an invitation to test the waters as in... Just how far can he go before jiang xi curses them and leaves He takes three fingers wholly in his mouth, closes his eyes and sucks on them the way he sucks didi's cock.. Meanwhile didi is stroking gege's hair while looking straight at jiang xi Gege starts kissing his hand, wrist, up his arm, over a suddenly exposed jade shoulder, he licks and sucks on didi's neck, sitting in his lap and slowly undressing him and didi keeps looking at jiang xi who's still there
1 3:25 PM
When he moans for the first time at a particularly hard bite, his eyes finally close for a moment and the image of him, head thrown back, eyes closed, eyelashes quivering, that sound so frail yet full of meaning... Jiang xi is so hard
3:26 PM oh gege he is so bold, that feral child was still in there even after all those years, just waiting for the right moment to be let out from that polite distant veneer that he adopted from jiang xi didi moans again, holding with both hands on gege's hair, and calls for jiang xi, "yifu, can you feel my forehead? i think i have a fever... ahh, gege..." jiang xi doesn't know when he started moving forward, but he does, stepping onto his pipe even and crushing it under his foot he is entranced, he comes to where they are and touches each of them, one hand on each shoulder, just slowly trying to stabilize himself again didi is undressed down to his waist, and jiang xi's fingers slowly trail down his arm, swallowing hard and still uncertain didi tilts his head toward jiang xi like a sunflower and presses his face into jiang xi's hand, nuzzling it, kissing his wrist, "yifu, please..." and jiang xi has a lot of self-restraint, he does, but this is impossible 3:3 His hands tremble as strokes didi's cheek and then he leans forward and he kisses didi's forehead... There's a muffled snort from gege against didi's neck, and a soft sigh of surprise from didi "it is.... Burning a little" jiang xi mutters against didi's forehead the his lips move, down over the arch of one soft and pale eyebrow, over the hollow of a temple, following the line of a sharp cheekbone... His nose bumps didi's and they look at eacj other... Green eyes and apricot shaped brown.. And didi tilts his head up and kisses jiang xj
1 3:36 PM It's chaste and soft yet it leaves jiang xi breathless worse than anything eleven and when didi pulls away, jiang xi barely has time to breathe before gege tilts this head "I am burning too" he says before he kisses jiang xi too
1 He's a little more powerful than didi but still mindful of jiang xi and meanwhile, didi who was used as a honey trap leaches onto jiang xi's neck
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"let me show yifu what gege just did to me"
1 3:38 PM yifu has no choice but to let his disobedient foster sons do what they want to him... they pull him between them, one unfastening the silk sash at his waist, the other brushing his hair to one side, exposing a long line of neck and starts mouthing the column, the shoulders, lips soft and firm at once, a little teeth nipping until jiang xi starts to breathe more heavily 3:41 PM "yifu, is this good?" didi asks, and that was very polite of him because down there, gege already got the sash untied, started to unfold jiang xi's robes and finding a hard bulge between his legs... gege rubs on it with his cheek, pushing aside jiang xi's knees to kneel in between "yifu has been so good to us," gege says, watching jiang xi shudder. "we have been so ungrateful to you."
1 3:43 PM "ungrateful how?" jiang xi manages to say, concentrating on every word. didi takes a deep inhale behind him, the tip of didi's nose against the back of his neck, tickling him. "we never showed you the care and respect you deserve," didi says, and it is a surprise to hear that voice from right behind him. "gege... won't you show yifu what you had in mind?"
Gege goes straight to work!!! He kisses jiang xi's thighs, bites them, muzzled in the dip o his hipbone, so close to where Jiang xi is hard and leaking, yet taking his sweet time to get to it,,, jiang xi squirms a little and didi kisses his cheeks, glues his own one to jiang xi's and looks down at gege "ge, don't be like that, show yifu how good you are alright??" and gege finally, finally lick jiang xi's cock from root to the tip and then takes it in his mouth and jiang xi's moaning, eyes closed and head thrown on didi's shoulder Fire 1 3:49 PM Didi would play with the dark hair down jiang xi's navel, his fingers bumping against gege's lips from time to time "is he good yifu? Is gege treating you well? Do you need anything else? After all, I'm here too and all yours" Fire 1 3:50 PM oh didi he is really irresistible... jiang xi can't say much, he's too busy having his brain sucked out through his cock, he has no idea where gege learned this kind of cultivation technique because he certainly did not teach it to them... he throws his head back onto didi's shoulder and didi takes that as invitation to slip jiang xi's robe off his shoulder and starts pinching both of his nipples making a lewd comment like... oh yifu, how pink and tight they are, how exquisite, like the buds of... hmm, plum blossoms 
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Have a great night with your boyfriend! ;)
I’m going to beat you tomorrow. 
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parksaeroyi · 6 years
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hi dont mind me its just me praying chris pine gets an oscar nom for ww today
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