#Furui Yoshikichi

[straycatboogie]

2023/07/19 English

BGM: The Jesus and Mary Chain - I Love Rock 'N' Roll

Today I worked late. This morning I went to the library and borrowed a collection of romantic sonnets in England. After that, I started writing today's poem at the AEON's food court. Recently I am busy so can't stay and enjoy chatting on Discord to chill. I am sorry for my absence. Next Saturday I will be able to get a day off, and I want to enjoy small talk even though I have to make up the record of the meeting about autism on last Sunday. I wrote a draft of my poem so roughly. Although I want to open it to the world (for example, on Facebook). But I won't. I want to be modest to open it because I don't want to treat my readers so rudely. I need the time to make my head cool. I start reading a long interview with Shuntaro Tanikawa, and find that I have never known about him almost completely. We can find his works almost everywhere. On the textbooks, advertisements, the cartoon "PEANUTS" he had translated... But I have not learned how he had lived. This is a good opportunity for me. What can I learn?

And evening time, at the resting time of my work, I write my poem completely once more. On a Telegram group, I asked the admin to introduce my poetry blog. Oh my gosh, my life goes around the poetry nowadays. This maniac personality is one of the characters of autism. As I wrote yesterday, I have a friend as a YouTuber. Although I can't have followed his videos, I start thinking that I could add my poems to the melody he writes. Yes, a collaboration. Or another friend's paintings and my poetry... my dreams increase. It makes me happy, and also lets me feel grateful in the current situation. Now I just need to enrich my collection of poetry to wait the time because it is too early. I need the time to realize these collaborations. I share some pics of "本の蔵". I start thinking that I would like to afford the first collection of my poetry to them to share with the customers if I could make it. Can I use the friend's painting as its cover? And I also want to share the income from the book by selling it with her. Of course, this is just a plan. I need to collect my poems.

Is there any writer who had become famous in his/her late stage of life? I adored the writes who had appeared young enough and become famous immediately. Just like Keiichiro Hirano (although I have never read his works), and Ryu Murakami. But I can't become like them. I need to accept that I am lesser than them, and I never have the great talent... I just try to make my talent grow higher steadily, step by step. Then I could become a great old writer as Atsushi Mori and Charles Bukowski. Of course, maybe I couldn't become because there must be a lot of amateur writers who couldn't show their talents. There must be the writers who had been praised after their death like Franz Kafka. I can't control that I would be praised, or become popular. I just make my efforts to keep on writing my best, and try to show it to the world. They are the things I can control. I just do them and wait for the result. God will help me.

I had drunk a lot of alcohol in my young days, and now have a regret a little. I needed to care myself more preciously. But at that period I couldn't see that, and there was no person who said to me "Treat yourself precious". Now I just try to keep/save my inner fire of vitality, and walk forward one by one. I try to write my poems one by one, slowly, slowly... I think that this is really a miracle because I am still alive. Now, luckily, my fire still works. Keep this fire and try to live in my 50s and 60s... to leave the great works as Yoshikichi Furui and Haruki Murakami. Once I felt that I must be sinful because I couldn't have found any purpose or dream in my life. Why had I learned English literature at Waseda? But now, I feel that everything was to be here. I just gripped my interest, and tried to dig it to the other side of this planet even though I have no talent. A long and winding road... to be here. Now the scenery is wide. What kind of inspiration falls from the sky?

The Hearts are Still Blue

The high school was like a battle place Smart students were trying to be an ace How would they become? Any famous magazine's face? Outsiders like me actually needed a grace

The Blue Hearts sang their anthem "TRAIN-TRAIN" They declared to go their way through very heavy rain I adored them. I carried my Walkman like the drink "REGAIN" I enjoyed their songs a lot although they must never refrain

And now... time must fly. But on YouTube I try I revisit the battle field with "The Catcher in The Rye" I don't want to tell any lie, but you say I'm sly?

The Blue Hearts says simplicity is the key So don't be afraid. Be yourself cause you're free I write this one with a smile of toy monkey

*1 The Blue Hearts is a Japanese punk band

#journal #english #diary

[ochoislas]

Mientras la miraba Hisao recordó algo que Reiko le había dicho hacía tiempo.

Ocurrió cuando ella tenía diez años, a final de verano... de hecho hacia aquella misma hora del día. Reiko llevaba mucho tiempo sentada contra la cómoda en un rincón del cuarto. Habían venido carpinteros a trabajar a su casa; se escuchaba continuamente cepillar madera y martilleo en el jardín, y los hombres llamándose a gritos. Quizás estuvieran reconstruyendo la cabaña del jardín, o lo que fuera, el caso es que sus padres no tenían tiempo de prestarle atención. Sus hermanas mayores habían salido a casas de amigas. Y uno de los carpinteros tenía un enorme tatuaje en la espalda. Era la primera vez que ella veía tal cosa; estaba tan asustada que dejó las puertas del porche completamente cerradas. No pasó mucho hasta que empezó a caer la noche y la habitación se ensombrecía. El trabajo en el jardín no tenía visos de acabar. Sus hermanas todavía no habían vuelto. Como no tenía nada que hacer se quedó sentada en su rincón abrazándose las rodillas con las manos y dormitó. En duermevela escuchó los sonidos de afuera. Pronto una sensación indescriptible fue invadiéndola. Era como si su espíritu, o mejor dicho su conciencia física, desbordara su cuerpo y colmara el jardín, hasta que le dolía, y luego se encogía de pronto, reduciéndose de nuevo a su cuerpo. Aquella conciencia abarcaba los sonidos externos, se espesaba, y luego volvía. Cada vez que el martilleo o las roncas voces de los hombres empezaban de nuevo fuera, de inmediato penetraban en lo más recóndito de su interior y se ponían a vibrar estentóreamente. Sentía tal repelús por todo el cuerpo que tenía que abrazarse fuerte a sus rodillas. Y luego aquella sensación de dilatarse volvía a empezar...

Cuando se lo contó, él, basándose en lo  poco que sabía, sugirió que podía haberse tratado del despertar de su sexualidad. «Pues no sé», dijo Reiko, sonriendo vagamente, como una chiquilla.

Incluso ahora, con los pechos y caderas que iban adquiriendo la sazón de la madurez, su rostro flotaba en la penumbra con la vaga expresión de un niño acabado de despertar.

Al ratito Hisao dijo: «¿No es la hora de cenar ya?». «Pues creo que sí», Reiko suspiró con la vista fija en sus rodillas. Luego se puso lentamente en cuclillas como una animalillo obediente.

Furui Yoshikichi

#Furui Yoshikichi #literatura japonesa #infancia #conciencia

[ya-da]

Nikomi(=Beef Stew), + a large bowl of rice + the Oshinko(=pickled cucumbers) = 1250yen. "Kappa", Komazawa. I couldn't go there on Sunday because it was raining heavily. Instead, I went today. I went to "Kappa" in Komazawa at 10 p.m. after work. When I entered the restaurant, I was alone. While I was eating, a couple of women came in. + I started with the konjak, then the tofu, then the meat, finally I ate the stew over rice as a beef bowl. + As I was about to enter the restaurant, a young couple pulling a baby carriage asked me, "What kind of restaurant is this?" I told them, "It's a restaurant that only serves Nikomi. If you search for 'Kappa' you'll find it." ＋ The night view from the apartment building beside the horse park,Setagaya, Tokyo. I wonder which room Yoshikichi Furui and Kineo Kuwabara lived in? 駒沢「かっぱ」で、煮込み＋飯大盛＋お新香＝1250円。 日曜は大雨だったので行けなかった。そのかわりに今日行った。仕事上がり午後10時に駒沢「かっぱ」へ。 入店時、僕一人。食べてる間に女女がひと組。 コンニャクから食べ始めて、豆腐を食べて、それからおもむろに肉を攻めて、そして後半は、煮込みを白飯にかけて牛丼にする。 ＋ 入店しようとしたら、夜なのに乳母車引いてる若夫婦から、「このお店は、なんのお店なんです？」と訊かれた。 「煮込みだけしかないお店です。『かっぱ』で検索するとすぐ出てくると思いますよ」と教えてあげた。 ＋ 馬事公苑脇のマンションから夜景。 古井由吉や桑原甲子雄は、どの部屋に住んでたんだろ？ #煮込み #牛煮込み #駒沢 #かっぱ #世田谷 #古井由吉 #桑原甲子雄 #beef #stew #beefstew #konjac #tofu #miso #komazawa #tokyo #japan #YoshikichiFurui #KineoKuwabara (かっぱ) https://www.instagram.com/p/CWnzX1wPiBU/?utm_medium=tumblr

#煮込み #牛煮込み #駒沢 #かっぱ #世田谷 #古井由吉 #桑原甲子雄 #beef #stew #beefstew #konjac #tofu #miso #komazawa #tokyo #japan #yoshikichifurui #kineokuwabara

[maasayada]

旅先では眠りの間の記憶ばかりが残るし、私はそれが好きだ。

月末の疲れを宥めながら出張先の仲間と飲み、浅い眠りをビジネスホテルでやり過ごして、次の朝から旅が始まる。だから眠気を覚えた時のために、最低30分は乗り続けられるルートを探してから移動する。聞きなれない土地の名前に、思わず起きるかどうかを見守りながら、うつらうつらと進んでいく。

大阪から米原まで眠った。長浜港から竹生島へ行きたくて、GWから始まった臨時の最終便に乗る計画だったが、米原から長浜は先頭車両しか進まないことを聞き逃していた。次の電車ではもう船に乗れない。諦めるがそのことよりも、大阪はよく晴れて汗ばむ肌を感じながら天神橋の商店街を歩いたのに、近江八幡で目が覚めると空が白く変色していた。そして米原では雨雲が垂れこめ、寒さが再びの起きぬけの体に厳しかった。春のコートを持っていれば降りて風雨に曝されに行ったが、船は出るのだろうか。出航には手遅れな次の長浜行まで30分ある。

私は姫路行きで折り返そうとするが、信号機の故障で20分間止まったままになる。窓際でみるみる雨が強くなり、元々車窓からは見えない琵琶湖で、昔々、舟に乗って近づいてくる遊女たちがいたと言われていることを思い出す。嵐のときには彼女たちも見えなくなったのだろうが、私はそもそも彼女たちを想像できない。水の上を緩慢に近付いて相手とどんな風に合意を取ったのか。そこに入れば望んでいると見做される水域があったのか。傀儡・白拍子について細かく知りたいわけではないが、舟で近付いてくるという一節には魅かれる。ゆっくりと近づく心の動きを自分や相手に感じても、それが同時に体の動きで表現されることなどあるだろうか。体は固定され、ずっと隣にいたり、広い会場の別々の席に座りながら目で追い合ったりする中で、もしくはすぐに駆け寄った後から、心は動く。だから、「あなたに近付きます」と合図して本当に穏やかなあの波の上を時間をかけて進む彼女たちの体の緊張や、肌に受ける風はどんなものだったろう、そして今日のように雲行きが怪しくなると顔は翳ったのだろうか、と考えるが映像にはならない。

言葉によるリアクションがとうに終わってしまったのに、ゆっくりと体の上を流れていく時間ばかりが現実にはあって、その何も起こらない、後でほぼ空に消える時間を耐えるのは、あなたとだ。

驚くことに停車したまま雨は上がり、緑が輝き始める。目を閉じていた私は、気象の変化をまざまざと見たわけではない。しかしこれが本質ではないだろうか。眠っているから夢の中で、一日とは思えないほど様々な出来事を経験できるのであれば、眠っているから夢の外で、一日とは思えないほど豊かに気象が変わればいい。電車は無事に動き出し、大津では起きないが膳所では起きる、など注意のグラデーションを感じながら、殆ど覚醒を放棄して私は進む。まだ寝足りない、と甘えの言葉をつぶやきながら、記憶がない自分を知らない土地に都度置いてくる、そういう作業をいつもしていたのだ。このことが恵みとなって降り注ぐときがきっとある。具体的な解が今あるわけではないが、絶対に日常に助けとなって現れる。そうした確信の数時間を過ごした。

見えないもののことを考えるために、色んな見えなさを体を使って探し求める感覚が蘇った。

それから湖のほとりへ行き、辺りのことを綴った古井由吉(2015)『山躁賦』講談社.をkindleで買って読み始めた。

The only memories I am often left with from traveling are those when I fall asleep. And I like it.

While feeling tired towards the end of the month, I would go to drink with my colleagues at my business trip destination, and crash at a business hotel, only to embark on my journey once again the next morning. And before I move out, I make sure to find routes that have at least 30-minute-long rides, so I can fall asleep if I need to. While trying to stay conscious of the name of a place in an unfamiliar region, I stay half asleep until I get to my destination.

I had slept from Osaka to Maibara. I was planning to go from Nagahama Port to Chikubu Island, and take the last special ship leaving from GW, but I unfortunately missed the announcement that said only the first carriage of the train actually goes from Maibara to Nagahama. Even if I were to get on the next train, I would not make it to the last ship in time. I eventually gave up and instead took a walk down the Tenjinbashi shopping district in Osaka while feeling the sweat on my skin running down on a sunny day. When I realized I was at Omihachiman, the sky had turned white. When I got to Maibara, I noticed that the rain clouds were beginning to creep down, and the sudden harsh coldness woke me up. If I had brought a spring coat with me, I would have gone down to brave the weather, but I also wondered whether I was going to see the ship leaving. It would take me 30 minutes to reach Maihama from here, which would not make it in time for the outgoing ship.

I then decided to turn back and get on the Himeji bound ride, but the traffic light failed and caused a 20 minute delay. Meanwhile, the rain outside the window was growing stronger by the minute, and I suddenly remembered how back in the old days, prostitutes would cross Lake Biwa, which was not to be seen from the window, on a boat to meet their customers. It made me wonder whether they would have also been obscured by the heavy rain like this, but then again, I couldn’t even imagine what they would have looked like in the first place. How did they recognize and approach their potential partners and make a deal with them, after crossing the lake with a boat? Perhaps there was a designated spot for interested customers around the lake? Although I am reluctant to know the full details of all the puppets and prostitutes, I was drawn to the idea of approaching one’s guest on a boat. Would it be possible to express the subtle changes in perceiving each other’s thinking simultaneously? The body is fixed, but the heart moves, either while staying next to each other, or while pursuing each other with their eyes while sitting far apart from each other in a wide gathering place, or even after a short, jovial chase. So, it makes me wonder how anxious they must have felt, besides how the wind felt to them, after signaling to their customers that they will approach them, while wading through the subtle waves, and how their faces would have darkened with suspicious movements in the clouds. But even so, I just couldn’t bring myself to imagine these.

Even though the verbal reaction had ended, the only thing that had been flowing over my body was time, and nothing special seemed to happen besides that. The reason I can endure this constant passing of time that very much disappears into the sky behind me is because, I am with you.

Quite surprisingly, as soon as the car stopped, the rain stopped as well. The greenery around me was shining brightly. And since I had been closing my eyes, I was not aware of the changes in the outside weather. But it made me question whether it all came down to this: because I was sleeping, I was able to encounter numerous events outside the ordinary, and also because I was sleeping, I could wake up to such a dramatic change in weather. The train began moving again without problem, so after setting a self-conscious alarm, such as sleeping through Otsu, but waking up around Zeze, I went on while almost completely abandoning my wakefulness. While murmuring to myself that I still needed more sleep, I remembered that I had been doing the same work over and over again, in which I left my own self with no memory in completely unknown parts of the country. And this very fact sometimes come back to me as a blessing. Even if there is no concrete answer at present, it appears in my daily life almost inevitably. I spent several hours in the train while delighting in this very conviction I had.

In order to think about the things that cannot be seen, the feeling of seeking various unseen things with my body came back to me.

Then I went to the bank of the lake and I bought and started reading the kindle edition of  “Sansoufu (2015)”, published by Kodansha, and written by Yoshikichi Furui, who talks about the vicinity of the place.

#日記 #エッセイ #大阪 #滋賀 #琵琶湖 #古井由吉 #kindle #diary #essey #osaka #shiga #lake biwa #yoshikichi furui

[manobisystem]

2021_05_23

    Since there is no one to take care of the defeats, the state of affairs continues to lose mischievously.

Podcast Ad Revenue To Hit $2B By 2023, Says IAB

Language models like GPT-3 could herald a new type of search engine

    When I woke up and opened ■■■, I was sick within tens of seconds due to the flood of hell and sorrow feelings. This is a common occurrence, but I haven't gotten to the point where I'm so numb that I can't feel anything.      It was a pretty day, though. I walked to Kosugi-yu. On the way, I bought a book on Yoshikichi Furui at a bookstore. In front of Kosugi-yu, they were selling non-alcoholic lemon sours. I decided to buy one on my way out. I feel relieved when I can come here. The height of the ceiling and the coolness of the water bath are just right. There were a good number of people there. I got out and drunk a lemon sour; it was a hot day for May, but the feeling was getting cooler. I ate a curry and went home. I went home and read a few chapters of Furui's book. I learned about the awareness of death that Nagai Kafu felt at the end of the war. I had thought that he had evacuated the area immediately after the Henkikan burned down and escaped the war, so it was new knowledge to me that he suffered damage in Higashi-Nakano in between.

#diary #日記

[jpf-sydney]

Bungaku. 2017

New item:

Collection of Japanese short stories by various authors released in 2016.

Shelf: 913.68 BUN 2017 Bungaku. 2017. edited by Nihon Bungeika Kyōkai ; editorial board members Kawamura Minato, Shimada Masahiko, Tomioka Kōichirō, Nakazawa Kei, Numano Mitsuyoshi. Tōkyō : Kōdansha, 2017. 300 pages ; 20 cm. Text in Japanese. ISBN: 978-4-06-220523-8

Table of contents:

"Bungaku 2017" kaisetsu. Shōsetsu wa jidai o utsusu kagami ka? / Shimada Masahiko.

Fūton no jasumin / Kanai Mieko.

Tanzaku nagashi / Takahashi Hiroki.

Gōingu neitibu / Rībi Hideo.

Ōkami / Hayasuke Yōko.

Idō hanbaisha / Takamura Kaoru.

Hangenki o iwatte / Tsushima Yūko.

Jūryoku no ni sekai / Ueda Takahiro.

Hishatai no kōfuku / On Yūjū.

Pegī ni tsuite watashitachi ga shitteiru koto / Shimada Naoko.

Ahiru / Imamura Natsuko.

Jigoku ni wa kaba / Enjō Tō.

Ajia no junshin / Yokoyama Yūta.

Binīru-gasa / Kishi Masahiko.

Sono hi gurashi / Furui Yoshikichi.

Gangyo / Hoshino Tomoyuki.

Credo / Ogino Anna.

Kabūru no sono / Miyauchi Yūsuke.

Bizen kurage wa ōgata kurage / Kawakami Hiromi.

Taberareru Yume / Shimada Masahiko.

#short stories #jstudies #new 2019 11

[genkinahito]

book-paper-scissors つつんで、ひらいて Director: Nanako Hirose (2019) [Nippon Connection 2020]

book-paper-scissors つつんで、ひらいて Director: Nanako Hirose (2019) [Nippon Connection 2020] @NipponFilmfest

book-paper-scissors

つつんで、ひらいて 「Tsutsunde, Hiraite」

Release Date: 2019

Duration: 94 mins.

Director: Nanako Hirose

Writer: N/A

Starring: Nobuyoshi Kikuchi, Isao Mitobe, Yoshikichi Furui, Hiromi Jonbo,

Website     IMDB

The design and feel of a book is very important. Although it usually takes second place to the ideas in the text when we discuss what we read, elemental things involved in the…

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#つつんで、ひらいて #book-paper-scissors #Japanese Film #Japanese Film Review #Nanako Hirose #Nippon Connection 2020 #Nobuyoshi Kikuchi

[exigere]

잠문학 50선 (38) 후루이 요시키치 『무궁화』

여자를 부끄럽게 한다는 생각도 머릿속을 스쳤지만, 자리에 어울리지 않는 농담으로 들릴 뿐 허리를 들어 올리고 싶지 않았다. 허리를 들어 올린 다음의 행위가, 여자의 옆에 다가가건, 바로 방에서 나가건, 아주 먼일이라는 생각밖에 들지 않은, 건드리기 힘든 균형 잡힌, 거의 체감에 가까운 것이 있었다. 한쪽은 여자가 반듯하게 누운 상태가 지탱하고, 다른 한쪽은 내 침묵이 지탱하여, 아슬아슬한 균형이지만 양쪽이 튼튼하게 자리 잡고 방 전체를 쌓아, 팽팽한 고요함이 괴로운 졸음을 유발하게 시킨다.

스르르 잠이 와 창의 흰 빛을 바라보았다. 어지간히 지난 후, 조금 전까지 확실하게 희미한 잠소리를 느껴 눈을 뜨고 귀를 기울였지만, 먼 곳으로부터 들리는 자동차 소리가 낮게 깔릴 뿐 숨 쉬는 소리조차 없고, 여자인지 나인지 아니면 둘 다였는지, 방 안은 어두워지고, 맞은편 집 창에서부터 희미한 빛이 마루 위에, 여자를 둘러싸고 있었다.

『무궁화』의 주인공인 스기오는 중년이 다 된 남자이다. 우연히 그는 두 여자와 만나 붙지도 않고 떨어지지도 않은 미묘한 거리를 유지한다. 세 사람의 기묘한 거리감은 계속 변하면서 곧 「괴로운 졸음」에 싸여 초점을 잃어버린다.

흔들리는 의식 속에서 조는 것. 후루이 요시키치 작품에서 나타나는 「잠」은, 자기와 타자, 현재와 과거, 그리고 생과 사의 경계를 천천히 녹여 버린다. 초기 작품 「요오코」에서는 이미 남녀 만남의 불확실한 기억이 「얕은 잠」의 비유로 표현되고, 최근작 『노카와』의 첫 부분에서도 「수술 직후 잠이 깨는 것과 잠이 들 때」의 흐릿한 감각이 인상적으로 묘사되어 있다.

그러나 이러한 졸음은 작품 자체를 이완시키는 게 아니라 오히려 절실함을 가져다준다. 여자에게 다가갈 것인가 아니면 이대로 방에서 나가야 하는가. 스기오의 망설임은 졸음을 유발하지마는 긴장감을 잃지 않는다. 「잠」속에서 원근감이 어긋나면서도 기묘하게 절박한 밸런스가 유지되고 있다. 현실과 ���, 의식과 기억을 자유롭게 오고 가는 후루이 요시키치의 소설에서는 언제나 싸늘하고 팽팽한 잠을 강요당한다.

(오오와다 도시유키)

#sleep #literature #translation #furui yoshikichi

[beyondthebowl]

"A friend once said that when she remembered the most insignificant habit of someone she loved, that was enough to make her feel happy. But I wasn't able to understand that sort of thing at all..." Yoko poked at the strawberry, rolling it around and around on her plate. Then she looked up at him with a pitiful expression, and, gazing at him eating, she continued, "But, after I met you, I feel like I've sort of been able to understand the idea of liking someone's peculiar little habits."

Furui Yoshikichi - "Yoko"

#yoko #love #habits #happy #furui yoshikichi

[straycatboogie]

2023/02/20 English

BGM: R.E.M. - Man On The Moon

Today I worked late. This morning I read Yoshio Kataoka's "Outside of Japanese language" step by step with Pat Metheny's music. Kataoka progresses his discussions steadily and logically, and they are also thrilling, so I am attracted by them. Reading the pages about the Gulf War, I thought about how I would face the situation and answer it if the war was happened "now". Indeed, I am just a citizen, so I shouldn't do "world leader pretend". It would be shameful. But I also feel sick certainly for the real state that innocent people are killed by the war between Ukraine and Russia. I say I can't accept the wars because they are basically irrational for me. I admit that it would be shameful to pretend as a cosmopolitan without accepting the real state around me. People would say to me that "you must know yourself". But I think that acting too cynically from the high position would also be shameful. Call me an idiot. I want to support the idea of love and peace.

Kataoka talks about various "ways of life". For example, America has the "American way of life", etc. It comes from the attitude which is based on the ideal of important democracy, and also supported by a competitive society which is enabled by that ideal. It might also be the way of life of "mass product", "mass consuming". Reading that discussion, I was reminded of the fact that Japan has also become a competitive society, which finally divided us into the two types as "rich" and "poor", or "winners" and "losers". Once, Japanese society was called "everyone belongs to the middle class" (although the real state was not so). Time flies... Sorry, these kinds of "talking politics" would show my ignorance. Anyway, his critical thinking about "America in the 90s" shows "current Japan". It is really brilliant, and I guess this book predicted that "current" situation.

This afternoon, the weather became fine again, so I enjoyed Bruce Springsteen's music. I thought that learning America by reading books like this in Japan can mean that I can understand a different culture. Meeting the different culture, and also the trial of understanding it. We have to accept that there is a wall between America and Japan, and also a huge difference in cultures. But I believe that we have to try to understand other's character, learning where the difference can be between us, instead of feeling disappointed by the difference itself. We don't have to adore other as "Oh, America!" or proud of ourselves as "Japan as No.1". We don't need to underrate ourselves, but can be proud of ourselves as the country of anime, sushi, and other great products... Oh! My! Today I act like a commentator. I have to save myself because I am just an amateur.

I talked about Yoshio Kataoka with a friend of mine on the app LINE, and she suggested to me that "if you could choose, what language you would do as your mother tongue next life?". Although it needs time to discuss there would be next life, I would choose Japanese as my mother tongue next life again. Indeed, it would be attractive if I could speak English fluently as my mother tongue. For example, I want to understand brilliant Eminem's or A Tribe Called Quest's hip-hop. But I have enjoyed Haruki Murakami's and Yoshio Kataoka's sophisticated Japanese because I am Japanese, so it could be a huge loss if the situation changed. In addition to, I feel really thankful for the fact that I can read Junichiro Tanizaki's and Yoshikichi Furui's Japanese directly. I also believe that learning English as the second language, not the language which is installed in me yet, must be pleasant for me. I can feel that learning something, studying something is pleasant even if I am middle-aged. I will never be able to "master" English, therefore it has a worth.

#diary #english #japanese #journal

[straycatboogie]

2023/02/17 English

BGM: Oasis - Married With Children

Today I worked late. It was a fine day so I thought what music suits the day like today. I tried to listen to Swing Out Sister's songs. It seemed that spring was certainly coming and my mind got excited in somewhere. I got nervous because something bad would happen... I thought that I wanted to read the rest part of Yoshikichi Furui's book but it didn't come into my mind, so I gave up and started Yoshio Kataoka's essay "Life of Words". This is how I spend the day of working late. Kataoka's writing was really interesting and I learned several funny things. Japanese language and society have unique facts or strange phenomenon... those are the things I sometimes can't find because I get used to the situation in Japan therefore forget to identify. I like thinking about languages so need to understand the real state of Japan with foreigner's eyes or senses like Kataoka.

If I got bored reading the book, I started the homework of the English conversation class. I did it with G. Love & Special Sauce's groovy music. I wrote about the memory that once I had been said "you're NICE MIDDLE (this means I'm a nice middle aged person)" on the internet. I forgot the time and enjoyed it. Although I wonder what I should write before I start writing, I just try to write with the movement of the "frixion pen" which I love to use. Then I certainly feel that various ideas flood from my mind more and more. Those ideas come up to the surface of my consciousness and start having their shape on a paper. I think that it must be the pleasure of "detox". I might have to do this kind of activity to "reset" my mind. I should do this as one of the activities of my daily life... or I should "find" the problem in my mind with writing like this.

I started working and entered the resting time. During work, I used my head very hardly so I couldn't think anything at the rest time. Listening to Mrs. Lauryn Hill, I just did "net surfing" with my smartphone. I read the interview with Kinichi Hagimoto, a Japanese legendary comedian, who is now enjoying his activity as a YouTuber. I learned that he had said "As my philosophy of the life, I never go against nature. Everything depends on luck". I felt that my eyes were opened exactly with that comment and thought following the nature can be a positive attitude of living life. Recently I felt the aging because my teeth chipped, so I should follow the fact of my aging I thought, I could never be younger than now anymore, so I have to accept the real and live toughly and neatly.

The comment that "everything depends on luck" has a really deep something. Me, the bad luck I had was the fact that I was born as an autistic person. But that autism becomes the reason why I could build the connection with the staff of my group home and also the members of the meeting. And also, the connection of the "danshu" meeting I met at the time I had wandered on the internet with drunken mind, and the connection with the members of the English conversation class through Shiso International Association work as the basis of my life. These facts tell me that I am basically a lucky person. I shouldn't seek for the things I can't touch (for example, a lot of money, status, meeting a beautiful woman, etc) but I commit the real things I can reach out. That products me a certain happiness... then, I am already happy since the time I can't see. Yes, it was like the story of Souseki Natsume's short story. I was already happy.

#diary #journal #english

[straycatboogie]

2023/02/16 English

BGM: Julia Fordham - Happy Ever After

I wrote that I had started reading Yoshikichi Furui's "Asagao" yesterday. Today I went to the library and borrowed that Yoshikichi Furui's two books. I recently had not read his books, and now I am thinking I want to enjoy his profound world again. Although I had read "Asagao" a little already, I tried to read one of those books "Days of Soul", and found it brilliant, and I decided to that "Days of Soul" at first because "Asagao" is quite a long novel. It is about the days Furui had stayed in the hospital and made me feel interested although I have never stayed in any hospital, at least recently. Referring Souseki Natsume's "Inside My Glass Doors" attract my interest, and I thought that Souseki is an important author for Furui, too. Me, I am always feeling that I have to read Souseki's works completely, but I have never read his later works as "Koujin" and "Meian". I want to avoid my life would end without reading them and only struggling with daily worries.

When? Or How did I meet Yoshikichi Furui's writing for the first time? I can't remember anything, but when I read his "Youko" which brought him a great award for literature in Japan, I actually felt vertigo physically and got surprised I remember. His description was such a crisp thing and I felt a certain power of writing to grip me into his novel's world. After that, I started reading his "Karioujyou Denshibun" which is still praised as a masterpiece in Japanese literature, and have read it about ten times but I still even can't enjoy any part of its greatness. Of course, we don't need to read a lot to understand any books. But I am basically a dumb reader so need to read a lot to understand any book and soak them into my body fully. I can remember that I tried to understand various books of an enigma in my life. Haruki Murakami's "Norwegian Wood", Fernando Pessoa's "The Book of Disquiet", and Paul Auster's "Moon Palace" etc.

Thinking that why Yoshikichi Furui's works attract me, I found the answer that it is because I am certainly feeling a midlife crisis actually. Coming to this age, I am getting to understand how large things I can do in this life step by step. I can't make any lies to myself. As I am writing in this diary, I once even dreamed my novel would become so popular that it would even become anime or a movie. Yes, a revolution. I even dream that who would be the proper person to work as making music for my masterpiece. Yes, it was ridiculous. But then, why I could be awake from that daydream or delusion (even if I am still in my dream somewhere in my mind)? Why can I find a certain meaning in my work, and also why can I start finding comfort in my relationship with friends and accepting the fact that I am autistic? It was a long time since I needed to give up on myself, and also have self-esteem. I don't need to hurry up, and just have to quit alcohol just for today. By doing ordinary things in ordinary ways, I want to live my given life steadily.

This evening we did an online meeting on ZOOM, whose topic was stargazing. The host uses his smartphone and accesses the online astronomical telescope to show various pictures of constellations. Thinking that every star would live a really long time beyond our given life, I noticed that I am living in a really tiny or narrow sense of time. Watching those constellations made me forget passing time, and even forget the real world's troubles and feel something sublime. I am glad to enjoy that grateful time. I will talk about something at this meeting in the near future, but what can I do as a good presentation? I can't see. How about talking about the clue about learning English I got by myself? About the fact have been learning it on Discord, etc.

#diary #journal #english #discord

[straycatboogie]

2023/02/15 English

BGM: John Lennon - (Just Like) Starting Over

Today was a day off. This morning I met the facility manager of my group home. I did the payment and talked a lot. The manager praised my efforts every day, and I was really thankful for that. Last year I made a failure about payment and felt terrible depression from it. Now, the care from the leader and other staff enables certain growth I think. Even now I almost buy something passionately, and I admit that I use wasteful money for various things. I also accept that the desire for alcohol is still alive in me. It would be the key to my life how to face that addiction. I believe that it is never possible to overcome the feeling of drinking or wanting. I can't overcome my desire, and that means that I am addicted. I accept my weak will and try to live.

This afternoon I attended the "danshu" meeting at the city office. After talking about my episode, I listened to our group's newcomer episode. At the "danshu" meeting, we always learn that the newcomers are basically teachers. Because their episodes remind us of the memories we have at the time we were just beginners, and they also let us learn how we have recovered from there. Me, at the time I just started quitting alcohol and couldn't understand the meeting, I thought certainly that ”how it would work that attend such a meeting?" suspiciously, or even fishy. I remembered that feeling again. The newcomer showed her smiles and also seemed to start trying to live again in her new life and recovering from the bottom. I am glad to see her positive figure. It is really rare that people connect with this kind of self-help group, so I hope my figure would help her a little.

After that, I took a nap and read Yoshio Kataoka's "Thinking Japanese in English". In this book, Yoshio Kataoka tries to translate various Japanese expressions into English and suggests the results (in some cases, he does contrasting work as translating English into Japanese). Not translating Japanese into English automatically, he "crushes" those Japanese expressions into a lot of pieces of essence and rebuilds English drastically. That work from him is really great and I learned a lot. We often translate every word of Japanese into English bit by bit. That might be because that mechanic translation often ends to show strange results. Translating something into foreign languages means learning those languages' basic ideas as ours I guess. Kataoka's work told me that.

The evening I attended the "danshu" meeting at night. I met the newcomer who had met my afternoon. I guess she had made her will to live her life seriously, and it made me impressive certainly. I, Spring is a difficult season to stay calm. As I wrote about this in this diary, once in Spring, on fine days, I just had enough to stay alone and drank a lot during other people enjoyed watching Sakura or doing outdoor activities because I can't drive a car. I remember that miserable memory... but I can't stop the time so I try to rely on the connections with the "danshu" meeting and other groups through the season moving from winter to spring. And the anniversary for me that I started quitting alcohol, on the 3rd of April comes again. It has been eight years... I am still learning or studying to live my life, and it has no end. After that meeting, I returned to my home and read Yoshikichi Furui's "Asagao" a little.

#diary #english #journal

[straycatboogie]

2022/12/17 English

BGM: Etsuko Yakushimaru and Yoshinori Sunahara "Ballet Mécanique"

I listen to the song "Ballet Mécanique" to celebrate this Christmas. This is a collaboration by Etsuko Yakushimaru and Yoshinori Sunahara, and I found that this song is impressive although I was too late. It was written and once performed by Ryuichi Sakamoto, and I am thinking that I should listen to Sakamoto's songs, and also his friends' songs (Yoshinori Sunahara, Keigo Oyamada, and Hiroshi Takano, etc.) again. This song's title "Ballet Mécanique" reminds me of the great novel by Yasumi Tsuhara (he must remember this song), and I am sad because I can't read his new novel more. It's 2022. 

Yes, I can't watch Yasujiro Ozu's new film, and also read Yoshikichi Furui and Yasumi Tsuhara's novel more... My taste goes older like this step by step. But I won't say that "recent movies and literature must be dead". Even now, fresh newcomers make their new creations. Every day great ones are being released more and more... Just my taste is getting out of date and that's all. Yes, brilliant art is being shown now, this moment. But they are too many so I can't find them, that's all. Good luck might bring me new art. Just like I found "Ballet Mécanique". Someday it will come. 

A piece of news said that snow would fall, and it reminded me of Minae Mizumura's "Shishousetsu", even if I couldn't read it completely. Yes, it has beautiful scenery of snow at the beginning. Should I write MY novel again? But I am a person with autism so I wouldn't keep on writing it long until its ends. I know that I should write every day (I won't say it would be bothersome). But after writing this diary, I feel like everything in my mind is written completely so I can't write more. And I must admit that I can't keep and "boil" the same, only one idea bit by bit. I know that I should write every day, although I might be able to write only one sentence a day (that day must come).

Tomorrow is the day for the meeting of the group of autism I belong to. I can say that I have grown up with this group's progress together. I guess every member also thinks so. The usage of money, controlling everyday tasks, getting a better quality of life, tuning our minds, cooking by ourselves... we learned a lot of "lifehacks". A member suggests creating our group's website. It can be introduced in this diary if it goes well. But I shouldn't hurry up. Someday I will introduce it so wait for a moment.  

#diary #english #ryuichi sakamoto #autism

[straycatboogie]

2022/12/16 English

BGM: Miki Nakatani "天国より野蛮"

Today I worked late. This morning I finished reading Yoshikichi Furui's "Sansoufu". I found that paradoxical things are mixed into a united one. in this book. For example, staring at death and writing about it will lead us to touch the truth of our life. Sinking into the material world will lead us to learn the value of holy things... Indeed, Yoshikichi Furui was not a monk. He was just a novelist and also a citizen therefore he was soaked with material desire. But this book shows the real figure of this world from his point of view, therefore, making us think about the enigma of this world. And the writing in this novel starts going crazy quietly. He keeps on writing without caring about any craziness. That's surprising to me.

What books will I read this season, at the end, and at the beginning of the year? I thought that I would spend time with John Irving's marvelous long novels, but now I think that reading various anarchic old guys' books as Yoshikichi Furui, Hyakken Uchida, Yasunari Kawabata, and Souseki Natsume. I am certainly getting old so someday I will become one of those anarchic old guys. I remember that the biography of Hyakken Uchida by Kazuo Yamamoto was great so I might read it once again, or I might read some of Yoshikichi Furui's books I have never read.

I read the rest of Kaito Touhata's "Staying is hard". In this book, he writes about "accidents". They are the accidents that are often treated as troubles that disturb our daily life's peace. Yes, we want to avoid those accidents but they also work for empowering our minds. I thought that it was interesting that he writes about "love" as one essence of those accidents. Yes, a love affair is one of the accidents that invade our daily life suddenly. I have been impressed by the opinion that says that love makes us progress forward.

Me, I have been in love three times. The third love was the time I was at the beginning of my 40s. That love didn't come true, but the person I loved said some brilliant things to me which are still alive (she is still one of my good friends). Osamu Hashimoto said (I remember so) that love would crush the incompletely completed personality and makes it rebirth. I admit that I was also crushed and became into pieces, and got rebirth and empowered. Yes, life must be wonderful. By the way, when will be the next time I can meet my soul mate?

#diary #english

[straycatboogie]

2022/12/15 English

BGM: Spandau Ballet "True"

I looked at my room's bookshelf and found Hyakken Uchida's paperbacks, which let me want to read them again. Hyakken's books were the ones I bought at the bookstore of my university when I was a student. Since then, I have read them for a long time. It might be good to read and feel Hyakken's imaginary world again or read Yasunari Kawabata's "Snow Country" or Yoshikichi Furui... those books which lead me to invite another world to attract me at this season. For me, "Isekai" is a place that has awful and enigmatic power. Therefore mysterious, and lets me feel like I am rebirthed.

I can feel that I am a Japanese person. I have grown up in this country so I am soaked with a certain "nationality". These books I lined up are the ones that attract my sense as a Japanese. Once, when I was just in my 20s, I had a foolish idea as "Nations and nationality must be fictional". I thought that nationalism was just an imaginary thing. But now I can feel that the base of my thinking has been influenced by this country Japan. I have been supported by Japan. I still live this life as a Japanese.

Today I enjoyed a lecture that had the theme of "Walking at the Cyousuijyou". It was a presentation about the old castle in the town I live. I am really an amateur in historical knowledge, but I thought I could enjoy various dramas old people had made. Yes, it was great. I should learn from history with many novels or others. Next year I might have to read Shuhei Fujisawa, a Japanese great author.

Today I got a piece of news about extra money as a bonus. It is an extremely cold winter so I might not have to rely on this news too much. All I want now is just a new book by Shinji Aoyama so I will give the rest of it to the staff of my group home...TBH I have to admit that I have more books and more items, but I might give up having too many desires because of this limited life. I will read Fernando Pessoa, Yoshikichi Furui, and Wittgenstein again and again, with the motto of "satisfied with the ones I already have".

#diary #english