#Evan Buckley does not have the right to be angry at anyone but Bobby and himself

[briinstardust]

Part 2.

The monster, calls Evan, with the offer from the City. Buck goes over there, and the monster informs him the city wants to settle, he writes down a number on a piece of paper, and the monster, is confused by Evan’s shock.

“This is all they’re offering?” Evan says and the disappointment on his entire face is astonishing. He then launches into telling the monster, the only reason he did this was to get his job back. He wants to go back to work for the LAFD. He doesn’t want their money.

to which I think to myself, Evan why? why did you think you could take this on on your own, or that you even needed to take this on on your own? Evan why are you here?

“I did this so I could go back to doing what I love, to be back with my team.”  is how Evan responds to the monster. This by itself...I just need to reference my previous thought of, Why the actual fuck, are we here right now? Evan has said he is alone in this fight. Has completely forgotten that he’s said this apparently. His team, he says. His team. His team who consists of Eddie Diaz, Henrietta Wilson, Howie Han, and Bobby Nash. Evan wants to be back with his team. okay. um. yeah. I’m going to reference my previous thought of Why the actual fuck did you think could take this on, on your own Evan? So your team, your family even. Why were you unable to turn to them when you were going through it, and when you were up in your feelings? These people are literally the only thing he is thinking about, and I’m confused. (I’m not completely confused, we’ll get it in a bit.)

So the monster takes takes what Evan says, and responds with the reason I refer to him as a monster, and the reason I referred to him as a predator in pt 1 “You really think they’re gonna welcome you back, kid?” and there’s a bit to unpack here.

This monster calls Evan kid. This is some straight disrespect. A man who’s just paid you probably a lot of money (bc lawyers are expensive), you just called kid.

So let me get this straight. The entire time you’re working on this case, Evan looks like a kid to you. So you saw a vulnerable kid, picked at him, targeted him, made him feel some feelings with your disgusting trash mouth. This is predatory behavior. This is why this man is a monster. The monster then follows up his previous statement with, “I raked your friends, over the coals, pretty hard.” 

and wow.

Evan’s response to this is “I told you that stuff in confidence, for information, not to use it against them.”  and Evan says something about Attorney Client Privileged, and the monster replies with “Yeah, that doesn’t work the way you think it does.” to which I must reference back to my question of Why the actual fuck did you think, you could take this on, on your own? These are absolutely huge life decisions, and you didn’t even think you could talk to your sister about this shit? Excuse me Evan Buckley, what the fuck?

The monster says they’ve won and Evan should be happy. Evan’s response to this is “This doesn’t feel like winning.”  and the monster replies, “it’s probably as close as you’re ever gonna get” and I am going to say I don’t think I’ve ever seen Evan Buckley look more disappointed in himself in 3 entire seasons, than he looks in this scene right here.

So we’re about to get into the grocery store scene, but before I do that, I need a moment to stop, and wonder what this story line was actually for. I need a minute to stop and think about who this story line was for. I need a moment to wonder what this story line accomplishes. What is the actual purpose of this story line? Why is this story line here?

Now that I’ve taken that moment.

“I just think Bobby needs to let go of being pissed off at Buck.” Henrietta Wilson, a woman, who Evan Buckley just drug though an arbitration, took time out of her whole day, time she could have been spending with her wife, a woman who has always been supportive of Buck, says. the conversation continues with, “I know that, and so does Bobby,” Howie Han, a man Evan Buckley has known for years, a man who also dates Evan Buckley’s older sister, a man Evan has called a friend, says.

So Evan’s at the grocery store 8 miles from his apartment, bc that’s where I shop for all my groceries too... and Evan says he’s come to apologize, and Holy shit.

The minute Evan says he came to apologize. Eddie’s face. wow. oh boy, wow. “Oh you came to apologize rn? Let’s hear this and it better be good.” That what that face was. Eddie says “What did you think was going to happen?”

Well I’ll tell you what Evan thought was going to happen. Evan thought he would get his job back. I’m convinced he has no idea how lawyers work, but that’s what he thought would happen. (I need to reference back to Evan’s earlier quote of “I did this so I could go back to doing what I love, to be back with my team.”)

I need to say that I don’t think I’ve ever seen Eddied Diaz as angry as he is in this scene. Understandably so. You can tell how thrown off he is by seeing Buck here, and is so uncomfortable about this entire thing, but damn is he out here with his feelings in the open. 

I am going to say Evan is up in his feelings right now. maybe he’s thrown off by how upset Eddie is with him right now, but Eddie says “You told your lawyer everything about us. personal things.” 

And I am left wondering if Evan is naive, because he next says, “You’re supposed to be truthful with your lawyer.”

I just don’t know if he knows what to do with the emotions that Eddie is throwing at him right now. It’s all coming at him at once and maybe he just can’t process it quick enough? But honey that was just the wrong thing to say.

Before anybody has another thought, Evan spits out, “Why are you so pissed at me right now?”  to which I have to say. Holy shit. Evan Buckley’s got balls out here. Evan’s getting angry now. In the grocery store.

And excuse me, my entire chill is gone.

Really?...Really? Holy shit! Seriously? Excuse me, Evan Buckley, are you fucking listening to the people you came to apologize to? Are you fucking listening? Because Eddie said exactly why he was pissed. I’m not sure how you missed it Evan. Eddie Diaz, just said, “You told your lawyer everything about us. personal things.”

This means there were personal conversations that happened, in private, between two people, and one of those people, thought a private conversation means it stays between the conversation participants. Not it stays between the conversation participants unless your lawyer asks.

Evan Buckley does not have the right to be angry at Eddie. Evan Buckley does not have the right to be angry at Hen. Evan Buckley does not have the right to be angry at Chimney. Evan Buckley does not have the right to be angry at Lena.

“Because, you’re exhausting,” is the answer Eddie Diaz gives Evan, for Evan’s absolutely out line question of “Why are you so pissed at me right now?”

Do we need more context here? I don’t. Eddie has been going through it. Eddie has clearly been doing some emotional heavy lifting here, and couldn’t talk to his best friend about it. goddamn.

“We all have our own problems, but you don’t see us whining about it. No, somehow we just manage to suck it up. Why can’t you?” Eddie says before anyone else can get a thought in.

The look on Evan’s face, he’s crushed right now. He is so upset, and I’m still processing this absolute look, bc he is angry and disappointed and sad, and other things are written on his face rn this lip tremble that is happening. Evan has 100 different emotions rushing through his mind and body as soon as these words leave Eddie’s mouth, and he can’t process this quickly enough.

Luckily for Evan, he does not have to process that final thought, as Howie Han, Evan’s friend for many years, who also dates Evan’s older sister, supplies Eddie with, “That’s kinda harsh. It’s not like the guy asked to be crushed by a ladder truck.” 

This is correct. Evan did not ask to be crushed by a ladder truck.

“No, but he filed a stupid lawsuit, and now I can’t even talk to you because of it. You know how much Christopher misses you?” 

so, this is that reference I referred to in part 1. This reads like anger from hurt feelings. Eddie’s been through this arbitration, he’s been going through his own shit, he’s going through it. in the arbitration we see Eddie come off as upset, but to me it did not look like anger. This looks like anger, as a result of, “can’t even talk to you because of it” his feelings are hurt that he can’t talk to his best friend, and it’s coming out as anger.

You know how much Christopher misses you? I’m referencing back to part one again, Eddie has to deal with the fall out of Evan’s impulsive, selfish behavior and one of the things is that Eddie’s son is now upset, because he can’t see Buck.

So Eddie’s personal feelings are hurt, that Buck didn’t even think he could talk to him about something like this, and he’s upset that his son is upset, because of Buck.

“How could you? You’re not around.” 

His son’s feelings are hurt, and Buck did a thing while only thinking of himself. Buck came into their lives, and got them through some times, was with them through some shit, and Buck instead of talking to Eddie or anyone about what he was going through. This man internalized all of his fucking feelings “I’m in this alone” are you fucking really? This man internalized all of his fucking feelings, filed a lawsuit and ripped himself out of all of their lives in a single moment.

Christopher needs Buck, and Eddie can’t give his son what he needs, and is rightfully angry about it.

“I didn’t realize that.”

Honey I know. You weren’t really thinking about anybody but yourself. You were up in your feelings, and mad at Bobby, and ran to a lawyer, instead of your support group. Maddie, Your sister. Eddie, your best friend. Hen, someone you’ve known for years, and who’s supported you every time it counted, Chimney, who’ve you’ve known for years, who’s bedside you sat beside and cried when you thought he wasn’t gonna make it through. These are people that you refereed to as your family, not co-workers, not friends, but your family, and you thought that you couldn’t turn to any single one of them when you got some devastating news and when you were spiraling, and when you were going through it? You couldn’t turn to your own family?

“No, it prevents me from reaching out to you, I couldn’t even call you to bail me out of jail.” 

Eddie was in jail, and was only thinking of one person he wanted. He could not have the person he wanted to be with him during this time. while he was in jail. bc he was legally not allowed to contact his best friend, Evan Buckley. Someone Eddie expects to understand him, but he’s unable to contact him.

”Look, man, Why can’t you see my side of this?”

“Because that’s all you see.”

Evan did you stop and think about how what’s happening to you, isn’t just happening to you? But to those around you? Did you stop and think how you being off work is effecting people who care about you? These people your family, are now barred from contacting you. your family, is now having to take time out of their personal lives, and days, to sit in arbitration's with you and your lawyer. your family are having their private conversations exposed to lawyers.

Eddie is absolutely not wrong here. And has every right in the world to be angry with this man right now. Evan has no ground to stand on, bc he caused these feelings that Eddie is having right now. And god forbid anyone other than Evan Buckley get to have an emotional response to a situation that is upsetting.

Evan has been having emotional responses to literally everything around him, everything that happens to him, everything that happens to others around him, this entire goddamn time. the fact that Evan Buckley can sit here, see an emotional response from his best friend, and not think that maybe he needs to talk to his best friend about it. but instead, this elicits an additional emotional response from Buck. this is more telling than anything Buck’s said thus far. Evan doesn’t understand how emotions work, and needs some perspective.

“Because that’s all you see.”

#9-1-1 rewatch #9-1-1 #9-1-1 episode discussions #9-1-1 character discussions #lawsuit stuff part 2 #most of the time these are rhetorical questions but I'm sure my inbox will have some messages after this #and fine if you need to talk this out with me or at me okay. come to my inbox. #I feel like I'm saying some controversial stuff out here #I also feel like I'm out here talking some mad trash about a beloved character so I feel like I might get hate for this idk #I have to ask bc I've fucked some my own ff this way before. but when it gets this out of hand. I start the fuck over #what actually is this story line? and why is it fucking here? #text post #long text post #very long text post #long post #very long post #Evan Buckley does not have the right to be angry at anyone but Bobby and himself #now I'm probably gonna get some hate for this but ok I guess I'll have to take it #bc these are my thoughts and feelings on the matter. #um yeah this was a little harsh or very harsh

[shh-im-fangirling]

"When you know you matter"

Fandom: 9-1-1 (TV)

Rating: G

Warnings: none

Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)

Characters: Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Ravi Pannikar, Hen Wilson, Bobby Nash

Summary: Buck is partnered with Ravi. During a call, something goes wrong and Buck gets angry with him because he put thier lives in danger.

It is a split second. The beam seems to fall in slow motion, and Buck can see his life run in front of his eyes. He sees his parents and their judgmental looks, Maddie and her way to try to cheer him up. His family at the 118: Bobby and his paternal way to scold him, the teasing of Hen and Chimney. And he sees Eddie and their bond, Chris and his smile and courage and strength.

Then he jumps away from the beam trajectory, but not fast enough: it hit him in the right hip. For a moment, he loses his breath, then Ravi's hands take him by the shoulders and help him stand up. There is guilt in the Probie's eyes, and Buck can only feel his heart in his ears and a growing anger. He instructs Ravi to find the exit and they go as fast as they can, walking through the fire and the smoke that is becoming stronger by the minute.

When they are outside, Buck takes off his mask and starts to cough. Ravi, by his side, seems terrified.

“Buck, I'm so sorry. I-I...it was a second and...” he stutters when they are outside, clearly aware of how much he risked.

He went back inside the house because he thought there was another person trapped, but another team already pulled everyone out and Ravi didn't hear it from the radio. The house was collapsing and Bobby already gave them the ultimatum to evacuate, but Ravi went inside and Buck had to follow.

Buck shakes his head, eyes shining with anger. “That second could have cost my life! You can't risk like this. I have a family to go back, I don't want Bobby to have to tell them I didn't make it out alive because you acted reckless!” he yells, pointing an accusatory finger to Ravi.

The young firefighter backs away, evidently scared. Eddie moves a step, ready to intervene, but Hen stops him.

“Okay, you two, we can solve this thing at the fire house. Now you both go to Hen and Eddie to let yourself check.” Bobby injects, tone that doesn't allow replicas.

Ravi nods and Hen guides him in the ambulance while Buck storms to Eddie avoiding Bobby.

“I'm fine.” it is the first thing he says to Eddie.

Eddie helps him unbutton his turnout gearand starts check his ribs. “Does it hurt here?” he asks, pushing a little in his abdomen.

Buck hisses a little. “I said I'm fine.”

“I am the medic here and I say if you are fine or not!” Eddie scolds him. “Now, you stay still, let me check and you answer me honestly when I ask something.” he adds, gently caressing his hip.

Their eyes meet and the only thing Buck can do in front of Eddie's order is to nod. Eddie analyse his ribs, where the beam hit him, then he checks his pulse and his reflexes. They don't talk apart from the questions Eddie asks him to see how much pain he feels. The final diagnosis is that he has no broken ribs, but his hip has already a big bruise. No head injury or breath problem.

“As soon as we arrive at the station, you change and go home.” Bobby instructs him after Eddie tells him his response.

“But, Cap, I still have two hours to do.” Buck protests.

“And we can survive two hours without you. You go home, put some ice on that bruise, rest and cool down. Otherwise, I will bench you for the next shift.” Bobby threatens him.

Buck looks at him incredulously, but doesn't dare protest any further. They all set in the truck after settle the scene. The ride is silent, but the tension can be felt in the air. Buck is staring outside, but his hand is settle in Eddie's and the other guy is stroking his thumb in his back to calm him down. Ravi doesn't dare to look anyone, tears in his eyes. Hen exchanges a look with Eddie and he nods “I'll get it” he mutters. Hen nods back, because she knows that if someone can fix that situation, that someone is Eddie.

When they arrive at the station, Buck runs in the showers. Eddie follows him while he sees Bobby guiding Ravi in his office.

He finds Buck sit in a bench, arms in his knees and head between them. It feels like he has a weight on his shoulders, a weight of stress and sorrow.

“Does your rib hurt?” he asks him.

Buck shakes his head. “No, luckily.” he pause, like he is trying to calm himself. “That was so stupid to do. We could have been dead. He didn't even think about the consequences, he just run inside and risked our lives.” he blurts out, anger strong in his voice.

“He reminds me of someone else.” Eddie gives him an accusatory but soft look. Buck looks at him.

“You know why I used to do it. And I would do it again if it means that the people I love won't be in any danger. But every time I consider the risks, I have never put myself in danger just because, I did it with a valid reason and I didn't involve anyone else.” he point out.

Eddie nods. He goes to sit next to him and starts stroking his back. “Yeah, I know why you did it and I know you always tried to do it safely, but maybe the Probie thought the same. Or maybe he doesn't know how to consider the situation.” Eddie pauses, trying to smooth Buck's anger. “Maybe he just needs guidance.”

Buck sighs deeply, closing his eyes and considering Eddie's words.

“Listen, go and take a shower so you cool off. I wait here so I can put some cream in that bruise.” Eddie says, smiling softly at him.

Buck nods and stands, taking a towel from the locker and going to the shower. He undresses, hands still shaking from the adrenaline. Imagines from the accident burning as he closes his eyes: that was a close call. He has had plenty of close calls in the past, more that any other person can bear, but this time the feeling was different. He wasn't sacrificing himself for the good of the people he loves, he didn't know the risks because he didn't choose to save the day. He was lost and he was terrified.

When he goes back to the locker room, Eddie is there as he said. Buck sits beside him and shows him his right side.

Eddie's fingers analyse the bruise with gentleness. “I think we can put some ice so it can start to swallow faster.” he says, and then opens the lid of the cream and starts to apply it on the bruise.

For a moment, there is only silence. Buck looks as Eddie puts the cream gently and feels the warmth of his fingertips. A lot of thoughts go in his head.

“I'm sorry. I didn't want to do it, but I had to do it for Ravi. I'm so sorry.” he says, voice cracked with pain. “The only thing I could think was that I was leaving you and Chris. That I couldn't have been able to be by your side and see him grow. It was terrible.” Buck whispers, while Eddie gently caresses him.

He has never felt something so big in his whole life: the pain to leave someone who loves you with every inch of their body. He has never felt that love for anybody, and he knows that anybody never felt it for him. With Eddie and Chris he knows he has something to lose and someone who would mourn him. He knows he can't do reckless stuff like he used to do because now he has a family waiting for him. It has been a long process, but now Buck know that he his loved and he matters.

Eddie puts a finger under his chin and smiles at him. “I'm glad you finally see how much you matter. I'm proud of you.”

He brushes his cheek and Buck leans on the touch. He feels so intimate yet so natural. Like Eddie is meant to calm Buck as Buck is meant to calm Eddie. Like they balance each other and rely on each other like perfect partners. That's why, for Buck, it feels so wrong to work with Ravi and not with Eddie.

“I miss working with you.” he whispers, sighing.

Eddie smiles. “Yeah, so do I.” he pauses. “But now you are working with Ravi and he needs all the help you can give him. He did what he did because he is a good firefighter, and you did what you did because you are a good firefighter too. You need to guide him to avoid those risks; you have to let him know when is worth it and when is not. So you can both go back home at the end of every shift.”

Buck shrugs. “I think yelling at him is not the best way to guide him, is it?”

“No, I don't think so.” Eddie chuckles.

Buck sighs again to recompose himself. “I have to apologise to him.”

Eddie nods. “And then you go home. There's Carla but I'm sure Chris will be thrilled to see you. And when I come back in two hours we can have dinner together and watch a movie.”

Buck smiles brightly and nods. “Deal.”

Eddie squeezes his shoulder one last time and then let him stand up and go to find Ravi.

The Probie is in the loft eating something while Bobby supervise him like he obligated him to eat.

As soon as sees Buck, he stands up. “Buck, I am really sorry-”

“No, I am sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you.” Buck stops him. “I should have explained the risks to you and let you understand why going back this time could have been a sentence for us and not a rescue. I have to help you grow and consider the chances and this time I failed. I hope to do better next time.” he finishes, offering a hand to Ravi.

The younger firefighters takes the hand and smiles at him. “You are a great mentor and I'm really honoured to work with you.”

Buck feels his cheeks flush. “We-we will work great together.” he says.

Ravi nods and then he goes back at the kitchen counter to eat. Buck looks at Bobby, he nods at him and smile proudly. Then he goes to sit in one of the couches where Eddie is waiting for him with a cloth with ice in his hand.

“Put some ice before you leave.” he says, gently.

Hen, sits on the other couch, looks first Eddie and then Buck and she shakes her head. “Look at you, Buckaroo, wise and confident. If someone had told I would see it happen I would have laugh at them.” she teases. “And now you are here grown up and responsible, with an husband and a son. Wow, I'm impressed.”

“Shut up, Hen.” Buck strikes back, throwing a pillow at her.

He looks at Eddie, both aware of Hen's comment, but he doesn't feel like it is totally a lie. Eddie smile at him like he is okay with it, and Buck knows that they will have to talk about their relationship.

But not now. Now they laugh with Hen, Bobby and Ravi. And they are a team ready to save lives. They are a family, with ups and downs, but they always love and support each other.

#911 on fox #911 fox #evan buckley #eddie diaz #ravi panikkar #hen wilson #bobby nash #buck #evan buck buckley

[bright-molina]

Emergency Contact

synopsis: Sometimes it takes an accident and the revelation that Buck is Luke's emergency contact to really bring the Buckley-Mercer (et al) Family to the same page.

fandoms: Julie and the Phantoms x 911

relationships/characters: Buckley!reader (gender neutral), Alex Mercer, Evan Buckley, Luke Patterson, Athena Grant, Maddie Buckley (all relationships are familial/platonic)

word count: 2503

warnings: mentions of minor injuries (and I mean minor, sprained ankle, minor concussion is all)

a/n: @biqherosix surprise! Catch me pushing the Buckley-Mercer family agenda cause I can. For anyone wondering, we're running with the idea that they're cousins. I honestly have no idea where this came from, I wrote it at like midnight yesterday. And it only figures that the first thing I post in forever is a crossover that is mostly self-indulgent but I promise I'm trying to get the hang of things again.

For those of y'all that haven't seen 911 but still wanna read: one, I appreciate you so much oh my gosh, two, I highly recommend it and three, all you really need to know for this one is that Buck is a firefighter with the 118, Athena Grant is a police officer, and Maddie is Buck's older sister and a 911 dispatcher. If I missed anything and you wanna know feel more than free to ask!

The absolute last thing you expected was your phone ringing well past midnight.

“Don’t answer it.”

Alex’s voice sounded from beside you, muffled by the pile of blankets he was buried under. You rolled your eyes and reached for your phone only to have him snatch it out of your grip and stuff it under the blankets alongside him.

“Give it back!”

“No,” Alex crossed his arms tighter, ignoring the second ring completely. “It’s probably Buck checking to see if we’ve gone to sleep yet, if you answer he’ll know we’re still up.”

“Like Buck would voluntarily be up right now. He’s fifteen hours into a twenty four hour shift,” You leaned back against the couch, knowing there was no tearing the phone away from Alex. “Will you at least check who it is to make sure it’s not Maddie?”

Alex groaned, loud and exaggerated, before sticking his head underneath his blankets to check your phone. You were just barely able to hear his panicked ‘uh oh’ before he put on his best fake tired voice and answered, “Hello?”

“Alexander Mercer, what are you doing awake at this hour?”

“I wasn’t awake.”

“Sure you weren’t. Give the phone to y/n.”

He was handing you the phone in a flash and you could see his wide eyes in the dim blue light coming from the living room tv. “It’s Athena.”

“Thanks, I heard. And I told you so,” You smacked him with your pillow when he stuck his tongue out and he quickly ducked back under the blankets. Whether he was hiding from you or Athena was up for debate. “Hi Athena.”

“Y/N,” Uh oh was right. You recognized the tone in her voice immediately. Exasperated and tired with a little bit of worry laced through. “You wouldn’t be able to get ahold of Buck would you?”

“I could,” You sat up straighter and Alex peeked out from under the blankets again, craning his neck to listen in on the conversation. “Is something wrong? Can’t you call Captain Nash?”

“I could,” Athena echoed your words back to you and you heard muffled shouting in the back. “But Captain Nash isn’t Luke’s emergency contact.”

“His what!”

“It’s not a big deal!” Luke’s voice. It was him who had been shouting. “I’m fine!”

“The cast you’re wearing says different,” There was a click on the other end of the line and Alex tripped over the discarded blankets and pillows as he rushed to look for the car keys. “We couldn’t reach him and Maddie was his second emergency contact but May said she went home early today.”

“Yeah, uh, she -” You put on your shoes as fast as possible and reached for the nearest sweater, one you were sure wasn’t yours. “Jee’s teething so she - she’s probably busy with her. What happened? Luke -”

“Is fine. You just focus on getting to the station and bringing Buck to Med cause he’s gotta fill out some papers. I’ll stay here with him until you do.”

“Okay. Okay we’ll be there soon.”

“Y/N put me on speaker,” Athena must’ve been able to hear the panic in your voice. She knew both you and Alex well enough to know every emotion that was running through you both at that moment. “I want both of you to listen to me. Luke is okay. A little scratched up. Maybe a bruised ego. But he’s just fine, I promise you.”

If there was anybody you trusted it was Athena Grant. So you and Alex shared a look, thanked her, and sprinted out of the apartment wondering what on earth Luke had gotten himself into.

“What do you mean you don’t know!”

“Athena didn’t tell us anything!” You shouted right back at Buck despite knowing it probably wasn’t the best idea given the time or the circumstances. Alex was a few feet away, talking quietly to Chimney to have him relay a message to Maddie. She’d be less angry if the news came from him.

“I thought he went back home,” Buck shook his head before jogging down the stairs and you followed him. He all but charged to the locker room and started shoving all his things in the duffel he always carted with him from the apartment to the station and back. “I thought he was okay.”

It wasn’t until then, until you caught a glimpse of his reflection in the little mirror in his locker surrounded by pictures, that you realized something. Evan Buckley, the firefighter, your brother who always seemed so fearless, was scared.

Buck’s mind was racing at a million miles an hour. He kept going through every piece of information he could from the last two days. Luke had promised him. Sworn he was going back home to his parents. He should’ve known better. They were too much alike and he should’ve known better.

He supposed the worrying came with the territory. The anxiety and panic and not knowing were all things he didn’t like but things he would bear if it meant making sure one of his own was okay.

He had always been protective. You were the youngest Buckley and he took it upon himself to make sure you had a better life than him and Maddie had had. Alex was family and he didn’t hesitate to give him a home when he needed one, metaphorically and literally.

And somewhere along the way the Buckley-Mercer family had grown without him realizing it. Alex had brought his band, his friends, over for dinner once and from that moment on they became a fixture in his life.

Bobby, who was surprised the first time Maddie grinned and hugged him, telling him how proud she was of him. Reggie, who was the first to accept a place in their makeshift home, needing the support and love they offered more than anything. And Luke, who was stubborn and wore his heart on his sleeve and fit right in with them.

And Buck couldn’t believe he had let them down. He couldn’t believe that he tried so hard to let Luke know he was there for him and he had failed. If he had just paid a little more attention then -

“I know what you’re thinking,” Your voice cut off his thoughts and he paused for a moment before continuing.

“No you don’t.”

“You’re blaming yourself. It’s what you always do,” You watched as he pocketed his phone and zipped up the bag. “It’s what you did when I thought I could jump off the swing and ended up with a broken arm even though you couldn’t have stopped me. It’s what you did when Alex had that really bad allergic reaction even though none of us knew he was allergic in the place. It’s what you’re doing now.”

Buck slammed the locker shut without meaning to and silently wondered how you seemed to know everything about him when he seemed to know nothing about any of you, not really. He wasn’t like you or Maddie or Alex and that had never been more clear.

“I’m not blaming myself. I just -” He sighed and walked out of the locker room, past you and Alex, and around to the drivers side of the car. He didn’t get in yet. Instead he glanced between the two of you. “I’m not Maddie. I don’t know how to tell what you guys are thinking. I don’t know how to do the things she does. I can’t help how she does. But - but maybe if I could then -”

“You’re right,” You cut him off, already knowing where he was going. “You’re not Maddie. But we don’t need another Maddie, we need Buck.”

“Y/N’s right,” Alex leaned against the top of the car and gave an easy shrug. “Maddie does family dinners every week and helps us with homework and keeps superhero bandaids around for when Reg and Bobby come back from the skate park with scrapes all over them. But you host game nights and come to every one of our practices when you’re not here and tell really bad jokes when you know we need to hear them.”

“They aren’t bad -”

“Yeah they are,” Both you and Alex answered in sync, successfully pulling the faintest laugh from Buck.

“You’re Buck,” You repeated and finally opened the door of the car. “And when Luke left home he came to you. Athena said you’re his emergency contact because he trusts you more than anyone else. We all do.”

It took less than a couple seconds for Buck to nod and get in the car, the two of you following his lead. Moments later he was speeding away from the 118 and in the direction of the hospital, determined to be where he was needed.

“You’re an idiot, Luke Patterson.”

“Wow thanks,” Luke rolled his eyes from where he sat on the couch, an action that earned him a scolding from you, and kept picking at the fabric of the pillow he was holding to him.

It was nearing mid morning and you had all gotten back to Buck’s apartment only a short while ago. The combined insistence and intimidation coming from both Buck and Athena meant the doctors had no choice but to run as many tests as necessary until they were positive Luke was fine.

Your eyes scanned his face again, a habit you’d picked up from Maddie, in an attempt to assess the damage once more to be sure nothing had gone wrong in the last ten minutes.

A butterfly bandage on his forehead above his left eye. Some scrapes on his arms from the fall. The brace around his right ankle propped up on the coffee table and some pillows. A tear in his favorite flannel that you were already patching up.

“What were you thinking?” You sighed and dropped your hands, turning in your spot beside him to look at him and read all the expressions flashing across his face. “You got hit by a car, Luke.”

“I did not!” He flinched when Alex, fast asleep across the other couch, shifted a little at the noise. Buck did the same thing upstairs in the loft, though he recognized the sound of talking and opted to listen in. “I swerved out of the way. The bike lost control and I hit the pavement but I’m fine.”

“The mild concussion and sprained ankle beg to differ,” You stared again. Luke refused to meet your eyes, refused to look anywhere around the apartment that wasn’t the pillow on his lap. He’d been doing the same thing since Buck had nearly busted down the door of the room he’d been sitting in at the hospital. “What were you thinking?”

“I don’t know,” Luke finally sighed, knowing you wouldn’t let it go any time soon. “I just - I did go home. At first. And i-it was okay until my mom started doing that -that thing she does. The voice, talking down, asking when I was gonna start getting serious, telling me I should do better. I tried but she wouldn’t stop saying all of it so I -” His shoulders sank and his head hung low and you moved closer. “I left.”

“So why didn’t you come back here?” You reached out, hand on his arm in an attempt to get him to hear you. To listen to you. To talk to you. “What made you think you couldn’t?”

It took a few moments but when Luke finally looked up his eyes were watering and he looked unsure. He looked scared and he was never scared. “I didn’t want to disappoint anyone else.”

“I don’t know if you know this,” You gave a sigh and leaned against the back of the couch on one arm. “But we are, historically, a pretty messed up family.”

You successfully pulled a laugh from Luke and a muffled ‘shut up’ from Alex only made the two of you laugh more. But when the laughter faded away you were left with the ghost of those doubts. Present and needing closure. To be acknowledged and reassured.

“There is nothing you could do that would disappoint Maddie and Buck, believe me,” You gave him a faint, sad smile and for a second he wondered what memories were the source of it. “And you never have to be scared. We’re your family and we’re here for you. Me and Alex and Buck and Maddie. Athena who stayed with you until we got there and after. Chimney who’s breaking the news to Maddie to save us all. Albert. May. Bobby. Reggie. You have all of us. I hate to break it to you but you’re a part of our weird little family and we aren’t going anywhere any time soon. So please, please never feel like you have to hide from us. You’re home here, Luke.”

And he believed every word. For a moment he wondered why he ever doubted it in the first place. It was evident in the way he had a designated spot at the dining table at Maddie’s place. In the way his clothes took up a good amount of space in one of the dressers upstairs. In the pair of house keys that hung on a chain around his neck. Reggie and Bobby were also given a pair long ago.

“Does one of you want to explain to me what the hell happened!” The sound of the door being thrown open startled all of you. Alex sat up quickly and Buck came barreling down the stairs to meet Maddie at the door.

Bobby and Reggie came in after her, holding piles of various items she’d insisted on bringing with. They were followed moments later by Albert carrying bags filled with takeout and then Chimney with Jee-Yun in her car seat.

It was dead silent for a moment as Maddie looked between her siblings, her cousin, and the boy she considered one of her own. They were all her family and that was that.

Finally the silence was broken by Luke leaning over in your direction and quietly asking, “Hey, does home have a place I can hide from Maddie until she’s less mad?”

“Oh, Luke,” You offered him a smile he recognized as a slightly sympathetic yet playful one. “There is nowhere you can hide where Maddie’s anger, love, and aggressive post-injury nurturing won’t reach. Good luck.”

She sat in your spot the moment you stood up and was immediately making sure Luke was okay. Her eyes scanned each injury just as yours had and when she finally let him take a breath he looked around.

All of this, the chaos that was unpacking the various takeout boxes. Setting up a little station on the kitchen island with various medical supplies. Chasing Jee-Yun around as she crawled and wobbled all around the place. Music playing softly in the background as everyone smiled and talked and felt relieved that he was okay.

This was home. Luke was sure of it.

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#julie and the phantoms #jatp #911 #911 on fox #julie and the phantoms fanfiction #jatp fanfic #julie and the phantoms fanfic #jatp fanfiction #julie and the phantoms imagine #jatp imagine #julie and the phantoms x reader #jatp x reader #911 fox #911 fic #911 x reader #911 fanfic #911 fanfiction #911 imagine #god there are so many tags #let's hope this is okay #and okay #oh my god i didn't realize how well it worked until i added those gifs together #the Buckley Mercers are living rent free in my head can you tell #i saw the opportunity to give them all a supportive loving environment and i took it #DANIZA THIS IS TOTALLY FOR YOU I HOPE YOU LIKE IT #ANYWAY #i have no idea how this is gonna be received so if you read this and are reading these tags please let me know what you think

[imyourbuddie]

Don't Be A Part Of His (4x05 Coda)

SPOILER FOR SEASON 4 EPISODE 5 “BUCK BEGINS” 

Eddie promised himself if he ever met Buck’s parents that he’d act civil. Not for their sake, fuck no, but for Buck’s. Because after all this time, after everything they did and didn’t do, Buck still somehow needs their approval. He doesn’t say it, and that time when Eddie asked him about it, he outright denied it, but it’s in the way his voice quivers when he talks about them. In the way his eyes light up with hope at the mention of them. In the way his larger-than-life self folds in on itself after the last disastrous dinner he had with them. 

No, Eddie promised himself that he’d be civil because that’s what Buck would want. Because Eddie Diaz is a lot of things, but a boyfriend who ignores his partner’s wishes? He’s not that guy anymore. He imagined this very moment so many times in his head. Imagined himself walking up to the Buckley parents and extending his hand, smiling, and introducing himself as whatever Buck wants him to be, then walking away. 

That, needless to say, did not happen. 

Seeing them sitting there, all prim and proper, it pisses Eddie off. That’s not to say he doesn’t feel sorry for them. He doesn’t know what he’d do if he lost Chris, and he’s no stranger to the countless nights of heartache and panic and guilt and imagining every what-if scenario that could have given Chris a different life. A better one. But the pain of losing a child is no excuse to neglect their other children, no excuse to make Maddie a mom instead of a sister, and definitely not a good enough reason to make Buck feel so goddamn unwanted. 

If there’s one thing he learned since having Chris, it’s that nothing in his life, no amount of pain and anguish will ever be reason enough for his son to feel unloved. To feel like the only way he can get any attention is by throwing himself off a bike or into oncoming traffic. 

Rage thrums under Eddie’s skin, scorching and freezing at the same time, and he clenches his fists as he glares at the Buckleys from across the firehouse. They fucked up. They made Buck feel unwanted, unloved, undeserving, and now they sit there expecting what? To take credit for how well Buck turned out anyway? For him becoming a goddamn walking superhero who saves lives every goddamn day?

No. No fucking way. Not if Eddie has any say in the matter. 

He waits until Hen says her piece to them with a smile on her face that doesn't reach her eyes, then heads toward the kitchen table where Buck’s parents are seated. Hen tries to catch his eyes as she passes him, but he ignores her. She’s not the one holding Buck at night as he sobs himself to sleep. She’s not the one whispering encouraging endearments that fall on deaf ears. She’s not the one left picking up the pieces after every Buckley family dinner. She doesn’t get it, no one does, and Eddie’s done feeling helpless.

He’s too fucking pissed off.

Eddie stops on the other side of the table, body rigid with angry words on the tip of his tongue. He opens his mouth just as Buck’s mom turns and looks up at him, and for a startling moment, it’s as if he’s staring into Buck’s eyes. His mouth dries, his words stuck in his throat like claws, and the silence surrounding them is suffocating. 

“Hi, um,” Buck’s dad starts tentatively. “We’re Evan Buckley’s parents—”

“I know,” he spits, his voice harsh, and he inhales sharply. They blink owlishly at him, obviously confused by his hostility, and Eddie lets out a slow sigh and inhales again, this time slowly. “I know who you are.”

His mother looks to her husband then back at Eddie, a quivering smile on her lips. “Can we help you?”

Eddie stands frozen as he stares at the man and woman who claim to be Buck’s parents. Who should be the two people in the world who love him unconditionally. Who should be there for him, and he’s at a loss for words. All that anger and resentment and betrayal all congregate into one single emotion: pity. 

He pities these two people who don’t even know what they’ve missed. Who have no idea just what an amazing, self-sacrificing person their son is. He pities their ignorance, and he pities their grief-driven blinders. He pities them for missing out on so much of their children’s lives that they hardly know them or the hardship they went through to be here today. 

Something inside him gives, and tension bleeds from him as he exhales. “I just want you guys to know what an amazing person Buck is.”

“We know—”

“No,” Eddie takes a step forward and clenches his fists by his side. “No, you don’t. How could you? You haven’t been around to see it.”

Guilt flashes in Mrs. Buckley’s eyes, and Eddie’s heart aches for her. How would he feel if someone said that to him? Hell, he missed the first years of Chris’ life because he was a coward, but he’s making amends now, and it’s time they did too. 

“Maybe to you, he was supposed to be some miracle baby that can save your other child. But to the rest of us, he’s way more than that.” Eddie takes a deep breath and swallows, willing his voice to stay steady. “That man, your son, is the first guy to run into a burning building. The first one to jump in a car about to explode. He’s the first one to take the most risks, and he’s the last one to give up on any of us or on the people he swore to protect. Everyone here trusts him with their lives. I trust him with—” The lump in his throat is harder to swallow around, and he takes a second to compose himself. “I trust him with my son. Because he’s a good man and loyal to a fucking fault and he’s got the biggest heart and I won’t allow anyone, anyone, to ever hurt him the way you’ve hurt him.”

Eddie bites the inside of his cheek to keep his tears from spilling, because there’s no way in hell he’ll cry in front of these people. No way in hell he’ll let them know just how much their being here hurts Buck, and in turn how much that hurts him. He won’t give them the satisfaction. 

The silence that follows rings in his ears. It’s deafening. The Buckley’s blink at him as if seeing him for the first time, and Mrs. Buckley clutches at her husband’s hand, her knuckles white. 

“From one parent to another,” Eddie continues. “It’s never too late to make amends. And it doesn’t matter what you went through, how much pain you had to endure, how much heartache, Buck’s innocent in all this. He’s got no part in your grief, so don’t be a part of his.”

Eddie turns and swallows as the first tear spills down his cheek. Fuck. He wipes at it angrily, but when he makes to walk away, a soft touch to his elbow stops him. He turns and finds Mrs. Buckley standing behind him, tears swimming in her big blue eyes. Buck’s eyes. 

“You’re—you’re absolutely right.” Her smile is watery and there is genuine remorse and sadness in her expression. “Thank you for loving him.” 

Eddie wants to reply, but there’s nothing more to say. The rest isn’t up to him. He already said too much, and if Buck doesn’t kill him for antagonizing his parents, well, that’s a win in Eddie’s book. He nods at her then at Buck’s dad before taking his leave, and with every step he takes, his heart feels a little lighter. Maybe Buck will kill him, but someone needs to set Buck’s parents straight, and who else better to do that than Buck’s stupid dumb ass boyfriend? 

His lips twitch, and he can’t help the self-deprecating humour no matter how many times Buck tells him to stop. That twitch of his lips turns into a full smile, and Eddie chuckles and shakes his head as he makes his way to the engine bay. They’re both hopeless, as Hen likes to remind them. Maybe they really are meant for each other. 

Bobby pulls into the engine bay just as he steps outside, and Eddie’s heart skips a beat like it always does when he lays eyes on Buck. Since the first day and everyday after that.

“Clean bill of health from the docs,” Bobby calls as he hurries inside the station, a smirk and a knowing look in his eyes, and Eddie wants to hug him and punch him at the same time. 

“Glad to hear it,” he replies, tucking his hands into his pockets, and turns his attention to his second favourite person in the world. “Show off,” he says affectionately, and he knows what Buck’s going to say before he even says it. 

“Had to do it.” 

And that is why Eddie loves him.

#buddie #buck x eddie #9-1-1 spoilers #4x05 spoilers #buck begins #buck begins coda #4x05 coda #eddie speaks his mind #protective eddie #My writing

[hmslusitania]

I just...really needed someone to yell at the Buckleys on Buck’s behalf the way he did for Maddie. Missing scene from 4x05.

Read it on AO3

-----------------------------------------------------------

The wrong Buckleys are in the station.

Philip and Margaret are sitting at their dining table, hearing stories about Buck from anyone who will talk to them – which is most of the 118. Eddie’s a little touched by the fact everyone who’s in the station – B shift just coming off a particularly brutal twenty-four, C shift in for obligatory wellness check-ups, their own shift about to be on duty – have all found the time to come tell Philip and Margaret about how beloved their son is.

Everyone except Eddie, that is.

He can’t move from the couch because if he does, it isn’t going to be for nice reasons. He’s hiding his face behind a book that may as well be upside down for all the attention he’s giving it because that way no one can see that he’s biting down on his own finger to keep himself from shouting at them.

When Buck had been angry with them, it was easy enough for Eddie to be level-headed, be the calming, steady friend he needed. The one who knew what that rage felt like and knew it was possible to keep it under control without destroying yourself.

But Buck isn’t here, and he’s not particularly mad anymore. Because Buck’s heart is made of gold and he can’t hold grudges like that. Even when he’d felt abandoned by his real family and been told not to talk to them, he’d still done stupid shit like “accidentally” run into them in the grocery store.

Eddie hears his own voice echo in his head saying, “you’re exhausting,” and he sees that expression in Philip and Margaret Buckley’s faces while everyone talks to them about Buck, and he bites down on his own finger so hard his jaw makes ominous creaking noises and he can feel the bone between his teeth.

“You all know Evan so well,” Margaret says, sounding like she’s trying not to be confused.

“Yes, Evan sounds like he’s grown into a good man,” Philip says, like that’s surprising.

“Do any of you know, does Evan have someone—”

“His name’s Buck, actually,” Eddie hears himself say.

Every head in the loft turns toward him. Chim and Hen look frozen, but in that fixed way like they’ve been trying to figure out how to say that themselves. Bobby, who’s been behind the kitchen island the whole time chopping things into unnecessarily small pieces, shoots him a warning look that Eddie tries to heed. He tries to put his head back behind his book and disappear again, but the Buckleys are still staring at him.

“His name is Evan,” Philip says. “That’s the name we gave him.”

“It’s the only thing you gave him,” Eddie mutters, definitely loud enough to carry. He avoids the disapproving look Bobby gives him.

“Excuse me, young man, do you have a problem with how we raised our son?” Philip asks. He stands and takes a step towards Eddie’s couch. Over Philip’s shoulder, Eddie sees Hen put a stalling hand on Chimney’s shoulder before he can get himself into shit with his future in-laws.

“No, of course not,” Eddie says, standing as well. He’s taller than Philip, which makes him feel a little better in the deep, burning ember spot where he keeps his emotions. “You would’ve had to have raised him for me to have an issue with that.”

Philip’s eyebrows raise. “Whatever issues you may think you know about, I’m still Evan’s father—”

Eddie actually laughs at that. “Buck has a father, a real one, and it sure as hell isn’t—”

“Diaz.” Bobby’s voice cuts through the loft like a knife. “Take a walk.”

Eddie slams his mouth shut, teeth meeting in a rough clang. He looks over Philip’s shoulder at Bobby, who isn’t unsympathetic, but is also not kidding.

Eddie storms off without another word. He’s halfway across the walkway to the stairs when he hears Margaret ask, “Who was he?”

“You were asking if there was someone special in Buck’s life?” Hen says, and Eddie appreciates how icy her voice is. “Eddie’s the closest thing you’re gonna find.”

*

After their first call of the morning, and after the Buckleys have left the station, Bobby calls him into his office. Eddie sits in the chair he’s spent a bit too much time in for his own comfort and avoids Bobby’s eye.

“It would be inappropriate and unprofessional of me to thank you for shouting at Buck’s parents,” Bobby says finally. Eddie looks up at him and discovers Bobby is wearing a chagrined expression that warms his heart just a bit. “It would’ve been even more inappropriate and unprofessional for me to be the one who yelled at them, so thank you.”

Eddie laughs, just once.

“I just don’t understand how he can possibly forgive them enough to want to have some kind of relationship with them,” Eddie says.

“Because he’s Buck,” Bobby says.

“But it’s not like them talking to each other now can go back and fix everything and make them his parents again,” Eddie says. “They might as well be starting from scratch, and that’s gonna be useless. The only thing they have in common is—”

He cuts himself off because, really, they don’t have what he was about to say in common.

“What?” Bobby prompts.

“I was going to say the only thing they have in common is Maddie, but they clearly care about her as much as they’ve ever cared about Buck,” Eddie says.

Bobby sighs. “Holding on to the people you’ve lost and to all of your grief instead of paying attention to the people right in front of you does tend to do a number on your personal relationships.”

And Eddie’s back to not being able to meet his eye.

“In my case, I was eventually able to forgive myself enough to move on, and I’ve been blessed with an amazing family in return, and two great kids I am privileged to have a hand in raising,” Bobby says. Eddie opens his mouth to protest the idea Bobby only has two kids, but Bobby pre-empts him. “And one adult son who anyone with sense would be overjoyed to take credit for.”

Eddie smiles at that.

“The Buckleys let themselves be completely consumed by grief for twenty-eight years and they will never get that back,” Bobby continues. “And that’s their loss.”

He doesn’t say “don’t be that way” but he doesn’t have to. Eddie gets the message, loud and clear.

“Well, at least we know that when someone finally pulls their head out of their ass long enough to realise Buck’s someone to hold onto, they should come to you for permission,” he says.

Bobby scrutinises him for a second, and then he smiles, amused by something Eddie can’t guess at. “You know? I don’t foresee that being a problem.”

#9-1-1 #9-1-1 tv #9-1-1 fic #4x05 Buck Begins #Evan Buckley #Eddie Diaz #Bobby Nash #The buckley parents #unfortunately #911 fox #the ghost ship scribbles

[buddiefamily]

This is a result of people insisting Eddie didn’t have a reaction. He did! He’s just not as expressive as Buck so it wasn’t visible from space.

I Got You, Always [read on ao3]

rating: explicit, no warnings apply, friends to lovers, protective eddie

Eddie had just taken most of his gear off when he heard Chimney ask: “Where’s Buck?”

As if they all didn’t know perfectly well where Buck was. He felt his body shake. With fear or anger, he wasn’t sure. He had plenty reason for both. He was fuming with fury at Buck’s parents for treating him like he didn’t matter, for making him feel like he was nothing better than defective parts, who does that to their child? He couldn’t help but be angry at Hen and Chimney too, for letting Buck separate from the rest of them, god knew Buck was in no state to even be working at all, let alone this, him alone. And he was scared, alright. He was terrified. Not that he’d ever show or admit to it, but he was. He was terrified for Buck, who more than anything needed to know he’s loved and appreciated. Not this, not being all by himself! How could they allow this?

In an attempt to hide his distress, his fear, he threw his hands up at Chimney and Hen in a gesture that said and you let him?

Then he heard Buck’s voice, reporting to the IC and he let out a sigh of relief, once again being able to breathe properly. Buck was okay.

But then he said he was surrounded, lost, and Eddie felt like his lungs would give out at any second. He looked at Bobby, pleading, he didn’t care anymore. They needed to go back in, they needed to get to Buck.

There was an explosion.

Eddie’s heart stopped.

Bobby gave a short nod, then they were all gearing up again, running towards the entrance. Eddie couldn’t will his legs to move fast enough. He knew it wasn’t humanly possible to run much faster with all the weight of his gear, but he had to try. And try he did, leaving the rest of his team a good few yards behind him, rushing to Buck as fast as he could.

When he saw him, finally, his first instinct was to make sure Buck was okay, that he wasn’t hurt, he wanted to hold Buck and to never let go. But there was a job to be done. So he only allowed himself half a second to collect his heart from where it was shattered all around him, then he got to work. His team was there, right behind him. He couldn’t be more thankful.

They were out of the building, Buck was sitting in the back of an ambulance, Bobby and Hen by his side. Eddie was aching to talk to Buck, more than anything he wanted to be the one by his side. But he wasn’t selfish. He knew what Buck needed right then, and it wasn’t him. What Buck needed was to hear that he had people who cared about him, people who would always be there for him, who he could rely on. So he let Bobby and Hen talk to Buck, then Athena – Eddie was so glad she was there, he knew how much her and Bobby meant to Buck – and all Eddie did was wait. He stood and watched, never once taking his eyes off Buck. He watched his expression shift from grief and guilt to something more content and calm and finally, when he talked to Athena, Eddie saw Buck smile.

Eddie was still worried. Maybe Buck was out of physical danger now, but that sure as hell didn’t mean he was okay. Still, he didn’t go over and talk to Buck, he didn’t trust himself to stay composed. He’d talk to him in the morning. Eddie knew that was selfish of him, but at least it was better than the alternative. Buck needed him to be strong, he’d be of no use if he talked to Buck now, he’d break down and cry. Neither of them needed that.

Eddie went home.

As much as he wished to hug his son, Chris was asleep already, so Eddie settled for a forehead kiss and a whispered I love you. He went to his own room, closing the door carefully behind him. Only then, in the privacy of his own bedroom, did he allow himself to let go. He wasn’t aware of making a conscious decision to move his body, but the next thing he knew he was curled on the floor, his breath coming out in short puffs. His eyes were burning with tears, he felt them streaming down his cheeks. His body shook. He heard a sob before he even realized it left his own mouth.

Later, when he could catch his breath again, he would wonder why he was so wrecked, so worried. He’d tell himself Buck was in no imminent danger, in no life-threatening situation. He’d stare at the wall, trying to figure out why his heart ached so much to see Buck doubt himself like he did earlier that day, then throw himself at the first opportunity to get hurt. His panic would rise once again for a moment, fearing that maybe that was Buck’s intention, to get hurt. He would remember his street fighting, how Buck knew immediately, how he paid attention. And then it would down on him, attention. That was what Buck wanted, needed, what he never got from his parents. So he learned to ask for it, it the craziest loudest ways possible, because that’s all that ever worked. Stealing the fire truck, the lawsuit, it all suddenly made sense. And Eddie’s heart would break again. For Buck who felt, no matter how loved he was, that people didn’t notice him, didn’t care. He would hate himself for not realizing sooner, for not being able to fix it. Eddie would sit on his bedroom floor for hours, asking himself why all this hurt so much, why Buck’s pain hurt him.

And the answer was right there, right in front of him, if he only listened to his heart.

The next morning, as he got ready to work, he stood in front of the mirror and swore to his reflection that he would stay composed. For Buck’s sake. And he would have done it, he really had faith in himself. But then Buck’s parents showed up at the firehouse, and Eddie lost every tiny fiber of his cool.

Screw composed; Eddie had a lot to say.

What made him even angrier was that everyone else seemed so unbothered by their presence, even Chimney who must have known better than anyone what kind of people they were. Yet he just sat with them, narrating Buck’s heroic rescues, one after another. Eddie couldn’t listen to it anymore.

“Your son is a hero, in every sense of the word,” he said, his voice firm. The silence that suddenly surrounded them was deafening. He could fell all eyes on him. He didn’t care. He continued: “He’s a hero, but he had never once in his life felt like one.”

“Eddie-” Hen tried to warn him, to stop him, knowing full well where the conversation would go. Eddie didn’t even acknowledge her.

“Your son is the most selfless, caring, compassionate person I know. I doubt he learned any of that from you.”

There was a gasp, Mrs. Buckley nearly jumped out of her chair, no doubt ready to defend herself, to find some half-hearted excuse.

“He loves so freely, he gives everything he has to others, yet he never feels seen, appreciated,” Eddies voice was still firm, even as he struggled to catch his breath, “loved.”

He looked around. Most people have left the floor, only Hen and Chim were still hanging around. For whose sake, he wasn’t quite sure. He looked back to Mr. and Mrs. Buckley, half expecting an argument, something like but we love him.

It never came. Instead-

“Tell us about him.”

He must have heard wrong.

“You seem to care about Evan a great deal, why don’t you tell us what he’s like?” Mr. Buckley was looking at him expectantly. He felt anger rise in his chest. These people didn’t deserve to be a part of Buck’s life. But he caught Hen’s gaze, stern, and he sighed. Fine. But he would do it his way.

“Buck,” he emphasized, “his name is Buck.”

When Buck arrived with Bobby, announcing a clean bill of health, Eddie once again wished he could hold Buck and never let go. But his captain was there, the rest of his team at his heel, just like always. It had to wait.

So instead, he joked.

“Show-off.”

And Buck’s smile was worth every bit of the pain he felt.

“I had to do it,” Buck told him, as if Eddie didn’t already know that. He couldn’t help but smile too.

“I knew you did,” he replied, because every little reassurance he could give to Buck, he would.

They just stood there for a moment, easy silence between them, then Eddie’s expression changed. Buck could tell right away. How he read Eddie so easily sometimes, it was almost scary.

“You got some visitors,” he told Buck and watched his face fall as he realized the implication.

Once again, all Eddie could do was wait. He watched Buck disappear up the stairs, hoping he’d get his moment to spend with Buck after. But then he announced he was going to see Maddie and all Eddie could say to him before he left was: “I’m here for you if you need me.”

Then he was all alone in his house again, Chris fast asleep by the time he got home from his shift. He wished Carla goodnight, waved her off when she offered to stay with him, insisted he was fine.

This time he didn’t make it to the bedroom before he felt his chest tighten and the tears warm on his cheeks. He was alone anyway, it didn’t matter. Except maybe he was less alone than he thought.

There was a knock on the door.

Before he could even stand up from his spot on the couch, he heard the key turn in the lock and the door opened, revealing Buck. Eddie rushed to him, wiping his tears as best as he could without Buck noticing.

“You said you’d be here when I needed you,” Buck said, his eyes fixed on his shoes. Eddie opened his mouth to reassure him that he would, always, but then Buck continued, and Eddie could only stare.

“I’m sorry, Eddie, I should have realized what that meant. I should have known that was you asking to see me.”

At that Eddie couldn’t hold his tears any longer.

“No, Buck, that’s not what I meant. I did want to see you, because I never got to talk to you yesterday, but I would never ask that of you, not when you have your own problems to worry about.” Eddie stepped closer, taking hold of Buck’s hands, he needed him to understand this wasn’t about him.

“I know, Eds, that’s exactly why I should have known.” Buck looked so devastated. He went to hell and back with his family and the factory fire, yet here he was, worrying about Eddie.

So Eddie tried to explain to him, how it didn’t matter what he felt, how Buck was his priority now. And Buck just laughed. A soft honest laugh. Eddie felt his chest tighten, this time the feeling was different. Warm.

“It’s not a competition, you know,” he said, then walked to the couch, still holding onto Eddie’s hands, dragging him along, “we can be here for each other.”

Eddie pulled him in for a hug. Buck wrapped his hands around Eddie’s waist, holding on for dear life. Buck really did need him, Eddie realized. He held on just as tight, one hand around Buck’s shoulders, the other in his hair, stroking lightly.

“I got you,” he whispered. Now that he finally had Buck in his arms, he wasn’t gonna let go. Thankfully, it seemed Buck agreed with that sentiment, not letting go of Eddie’s waist even as they sat down on the couch.

After a moment of silence, Buck said: “Hen told me you yelled at my parents.” He didn’t sound angry, so Eddie didn’t apologize. He didn’t know what else to say, luckily he didn’t have to because Buck continued, his tone lighter now: “Thank you. Although I do wonder what you told them. My mother said you were a keeper, any idea what she meant by that?”

Eddie went red in the face.

“I showed them pictures of you and Chris, she- she must have assumed,” Eddie stammered, pulling away from Buck, “I’m so sorry, Buck, I swear I didn’t-”

Buck’s grip on Eddie’s hips tightened, not letting him go too far.

“It’s okay, Eddie.” Buck’s voice was so calm, there was a small smile on his lips. Eddie was speechless. Once again, it didn’t matter, because Buck spoke again: “Thank you.”

Eddie stared at Buck, his eyes roaming Buck’s face, searching for answers. Why did he suddenly feel so warm with Buck’s hands on him, why did his heart beat like crazy, why were his hands shaking as he reached to touch Buck again? This time, when the answer stared him in the face, quite literally, he didn’t try to hide, to run away.

He wasn’t brave enough to say the words, so he leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Buck’s forehead. Buck, who watched Eddie tuck Chris into bed more times than he could count, knew exactly what it meant. He wrapped his hands around Eddie in a crushing embrace, and whispered against his ear: “Me too, Eddie.” Then he felt Buck’s lips at his jaw, and as much as he wanted to stay in Buck’s embrace for the rest of eternity, there was something else he was dying to do.

So he pulled back, only to lean back in and finally, finally, kissed Buck’s lips.

Buck’s hands were on his face in an instant, holding gently, his thumbs caressing his cheeks softly. His lips were just as soft, careful, moving painfully slowly against Eddie’s. But there was no rush, Eddie told himself, he could enjoy this. So he did. He kissed Buck with just a little more pressure, he gripped Buck’s shoulders just that bit tighter, finally understanding why his heart always felt heavy and light at the same time when he was with Buck. He let Buck kiss him back any way he wanted, he let Buck bite at his lower lip, let his tongue trace his lip, against his tongue, and he felt his heart fill with warmth and explode over and over. He kissed Buck’s jaw, leaving a trail of kisses down his neck to his collarbones. Buck’s hands were on Eddie’s skin now, his shirt pulled up by Buck’s curious fingers. Eddie felt Buck’s fingernails running gently up and down his lower back and he shivered, letting out a sigh.

“You like that?” Buck asked him, his voice deep and raspy. His nails were now firmer on Eddie’s back, more insistent. He moaned. And that was all the answer Buck needed.

His lips were on Eddie’s again, his hands never leaving Eddie’s back. Even when – after making sure that’s what Eddie wanted – he was taking off Eddie’s shirt, he managed to keep one hand on his hip. Eddie wasn’t sure if it was meant to reassure or tease him, either way he was thankful. Buck only let go to take his own shirt off, and even that short moment left Eddie feeling cold and alone. Then Buck’s hands were all over him, as if he couldn’t get enough of Eddie’s skin, as if holding Eddie forever wouldn’t be enough.

They made their way to the bedroom, only stopping once to make out against the wall, Eddie pressing his body against Buck’s, feeling Buck’s erection at his hip. After that, it was only thanks to Buck’s strong hands pushing him away and towards the bedroom, that they even made it there. Then the door was closed behind them and Buck’s hands were on Eddie’s hips, pushing his sweatpants down and off, along with his underwear. Eddie tried to do the same for Buck, struggling with his belt buckle, until Buck took pity on him and took the rest of his clothes off himself.

Eddie was pushing him towards the bed, crawling on top of him. Their bodies were flush against each other’s, nothing but skin on skin.  Eddie was breathless. For once, it was a good feeling. He looked at Buck, who looked back at him, waiting. Buck was waiting for Eddie to make a move, to set the pace, Buck was giving him a go-ahead for anything he wanted. But Eddie couldn’t do that, couldn’t possibly do something – anything – if he wasn’t entirely sure that’s what Buck wanted. So he asked: “What do you want, Buck?”

“Anything,” he replied, his voice low, “everything.”

And that wasn’t very helpful to Eddie. But if Buck wanted everything, he sure as hell would deliver. And if in the process he could get Buck to tell him what he really wanted, well, that would only be a bonus.

So he leaned down, his elbows supporting his weight, and he kissed Buck slowly. He let his lips ghost over Buck’s until he felt Buck trying to press closer, only then did he allow for an actual kiss. He licked and sucked at Buck’s lips, his hands on each side of Buck’s torso, not touching. He tried to ignore Buck’s hard cock pressing against his, he held his hips still. Buck’s hands were on Eddie’s back again, his nails digging in and it was almost enough for Eddie to abandon his plan and let Buck have anything, everything.

But he didn’t budge. Instead, he took hold of both Buck’s wrists and brought them above his head, holding them against the pillow with one of his hands. The other hand he used to prop himself us so that his hips weren’t touching Buck’s.

Buck groaned it frustration but said nothing. So Eddie kissed his neck, both his shoulders, sucked a hickey right over where his heart was, all the while still holding Buck’s wrists. And Buck made all the sounds Eddie never even thought to dream about. And he tried to move his hips, tried to free his hands to touch Eddie, but Eddie was having none of that.

“Stay still,” he demanded in the most authoritative tone he could muster in the moment, “and keep your hands where they are.” It seemed to work like magic, Buck went perfectly still and when Eddie let go of Buck’s wrists, his hands didn’t move an inch. Eddie nodded approvingly, then went to trail kisses down Buck’s chest and stomach. When he got all the way to his hips, he sucked a mark on each side, making Buck moan, struggling to stay still. Eddie moved lower; he could feel Buck hold his breath in anticipation.

Ignoring Buck’s erection, Eddie kissed down his thigh.

“Eddie,” Buck sighed in frustration.

Eddie traced his lips to Buck’s knee, then took hold of his ankle and moved Buck’s leg so that it was bent. He kissed Buck’s knee again, then moved his lips and tongue and teeth to Buck’s inner thigh. He heard Buck take in a sharp breath, he heard him try to muffle his sighs by biting his lip. When he worked his way almost all the way up Buck’s thigh, Eddie felt him hold his breath again.

Eddie switched to Buck’s other leg, repeating the process, dragging it out even more. His own dick was achingly hard, but he focused on Buck instead. Kissing and nibbling at the sensitive skin of Buck’s thigh. Buck’s sighs and groans were a mixture of pleasure and frustration, until finally Eddie heard him say: “Eddie, please!”

That was his cue.

He stopped licking at Buck’s skin, pulled away, and looked up at Buck asking with fake innocence: “Please, what?”

“Fuck me,” was what Buck said.

Eddie couldn’t even congratulate himself on how easy that was, he felt a shiver run all the way through him.

“That’s not exactly how I prefer to call it, but…”

He reached for his bedside table, taking out lube and a condom, then climbed over to Buck again. Their eyes locked, Eddie could see Buck’s lips twitch, trying not to smile. Apparently, Eddie wasn’t the only one playing a game here.

“Make love to me, Eddie.”

And that was it for him, he couldn’t hold back any longer. He grabbed the bottle of lube and squeezed out what was probably too much, but he couldn’t care less. He pressed a slick finger against Buck’s hole, not quite pressing in just yet, just circling around.

Buck moaned. The sound made Eddie’s head spin. He pressed his finger in gently, watching Buck’s face to make sure he wasn’t hurting him in any way. He moved his finger carefully in and out until Buck asked formore Eddie please I need more. He added another finger, his other hand holding Buck’s hip gently but firmly. Then it was three of Eddie’s fingers inside Buck and the only words leaving Buck’s mouth was a mantra of please please please as Eddie’s fingers brushed his prostate over and over. When he pulled out his fingers, Buck made a sound at the loss, almost like a sob. Eddie kissed his stomach.

“I got you,” he promised.

He struggled with the condom for longer than he’d wish to admit, his hands shaking. Once he figured it out, he reached for the lube again, coating his cock, then tossing the bottle somewhere by the foot of the bed. He leaned over Buck who was looking at him with so much love in his face Eddie nearly passed out. He positioned himself between Buck’s legs, pressing his cock against Buck’s already slick hole. He placed his hands on Buck’s hips and pushed in. Buck’s eyes closed, his hands tangled in the pillows, still trying to stay still. Eddie leaned in to kiss him softly.

“You can touch me, Buck,” he whispered.

Buck let out the biggest sigh of relief, his hands going to Eddie’s shoulders immediately. Eddie kept their bodies pressed flush against each other’s as he moved his hips, his lips never once leaving Buck’s skin. He pushed in and out slowly, listening to Buck’s sighs and moans, his ear right next to Buck’s lips. As much as Buck seemed to be content with their slow pace, Eddie wanted more. He sped up his thrusts, only just enough so that Buck picked up on it, could stop him if he wanted to. He didn’t. He pushed his hips up to meet Eddie’s, gripping his shoulders tight for leverage.

That little change in angle was all it took, Eddie now hitting Buck’s prostate with each thrust. Buck had to press his lips against Eddie’s in an attempt not to scream. Eddie held onto Buck, kissing back messily, he felt his own orgasm approaching.

“Eddie-” Buck pulled away; spoke to warn Eddie he was close. Eddie kissed the corner of his lips.

“I got you,” he said again, then sped up his thrusts even more, angling his hips just right. Buck came, burying his lips in Eddie’s shoulder to silence himself. Eddie followed short after, collapsing on top of Buck.

After they were cleaned up and cuddled on the bed, this time under the covers, Buck’s head on Eddie’s chest, Eddie’s hands wrapped around Buck protectively, Eddie teased: “A keeper, huh?”

Buck laughed. He kissed Eddie’s jaw.

“You definitely are a keeper,” Buck said with a soft smile, then added, “thanks again, for standing up for me. I really appreciate it.”

And Eddie just looked at him fondly.

“I got you, always.”

#buck begins #the episode emotionally destroyed me #and he did have a reaction yall are just blind #buddie #buddie fanfiction #911 fox #buddie fic #friends to lovers #idiots in love #ao3 #fanfiction #evan buckley #eddie diaz

[bisexualbuck]

Forever Day

Day Six of the Evan Buckley Week 2020! The prompt was “I won’t let you do this” + angst

Summary: The man pulls a gun out.

He aims it at Buck’s head.

“If you take another step I will blast your brains on the ground."

[Read on AO3]

(Full text under read more)

Time is a funny thing. There are moments that only last a second, entire days, weeks, gone in the blink of an eye. Afterwards, you stop and think, where has time gone? You could swear last month was only yesterday.

And then there are moments stretched so long, a single beat going on forever, as if time itself had stilled, everything slowed, everything muted.

This particular moment is of the second kind.

The man pulls a gun out.

He aims it at Buck’s head.

The instant draws on and on – the image burning in their memory as they are living it. They will never be able to forget that scene, that very single moment. They won’t forget the angle of the man’s arm, or the way Buck raises his hands up in the air. Neither will they forget the way the sun reflects on the gun, the thick smell of the blood of the patient they’ve been treating.

It almost feels like they are underwater. Everything is slow. Everything is strange.

The moment stretches, stretches, and then – then.

It snaps.

The world gets loud, fast, vibrant, again.

“If you take another step I will blast your brains on the ground,” the man yells out.

He is desperate enough to do it, and so no one moves – least of all, Buck who stands very still, and maybe he is the only one left in the moment, maybe he is still underwater while everyone else have come up for air.

It’s only the 118 crew here. No one has thought the situation would escalate as it has, but Buck can only hope that Eddie, who is hidden from sight, has called for backup.

They were called for to a house in downtown L.A., the only information they’d gotten was that there had been an incident and that someone had been hurt.

That moment had gone fast. There was so much to do, rushing to the patient, assessing his bleeding – gun wound to the torso – and stabilizing him enough for transport. Buck had gone to the second person present in the house, a man looking in the midst of a breakdown.

That’s when it all went wrong.

“I need to get out of here,” he says, his words jumbled and slurred.

He is very clearly under the influence of some drug, which makes him dangerous and unpredictable.

Buck has only one strategy here – keep the guy’s attention on him at all times. Most importantly, keep the gun aimed at him.

“You can leave anytime you want,” Buck lies smoothly, hiding his fear as bast as he can. “What’s your name, man?”

“Why the fuck do you want to know?”

Aggressiveness, defensiveness, all of which is a very bad cocktail for a situation such as this. Buck, like every firefighter, has had some training on how to deescalate these things but this is real. This isn’t some role-playing exercise. There is a real gun pointing at his head, with real bullets insides that could do real damage.

“I’m just asking. You can call me Buck, everyone does.”

“Weird name,” the man comments.

His gaze keeps shifting but Buck keeps his on him. The team is still working on the patient, though as silently as they can, and without any sudden moves.

From the corner of his eyes, Buck sees that Bobby has placed himself between Hen, Chimney and the patient, and the gunman. He wants to scream at his captain to get back, to let him handle it, but that would bring the man’s attention to Bobby.

“What’s your name?” Buck repeats, as gentle as he can.

The man hesitates, bites his lips. The gun trembles in his grip.

“Ricky,” he blurts out.

“Okay, Ricky. Can you tell me why you’re upset?”

“I have to go. I have to go before the cops get there.”

“You can go. Nobody has to get hurt.”

“I don’t trust you. What if you called the cops, huh? No this won’t do, this won’t do.”

Buck is pretty sure that he remembers enough of his SEAL training to disarm Ricky, and he would have tried it had they been alone. But his team is here, close, and he won’t risk a stray bullet hitting them.

So he keeps still, keeps the focus on him.

“I need leverage,” Ricky decides, nodding repetitively at his own idea. “Yeah, yeah. That’s what I need.”

With the hand that’s not holding the gun, he points in the direction of the Hen and Chimney working on the patient.

“I’m getting him and we’re going to go, and no one is going to follow us.”

“You can’t do that,” Buck says, trying to smooth his face into an expression of sympathy. “He’s too weak to get moved like that, he needs to go to the hospital.”

“I need leverage.”

Ricky’s eyes are too wide, too dark.

Leverage.

He wants an hostage. He wants to have a shield against the police. He is not thinking properly, he is paranoid and scared. He is dangerous.

Buck sees Ricky move.

The moment stretches again.

Rick starts turning his head and Buck knows, he just knows, that the first thing his gaze will land on is Bobby. Bobby who is still standing between their friends and the gunman. Bobby who will follow Ricky if that means protecting his team.

The gun moves away from Buck’s face, but Buck has already made his decision.

“Take me.”

Time resumes to its rushed flow, and Ricky snaps his full focus back on Buck.

“Buck, no,” Bobby exclaims, the first thing he has said since Ricky has pulled out his gun.

“It’s okay, Cap. Ricky and I are just going to go on a walk. Right, Ricky?”

“Buck,” Bobby repeats, firmer. “I won’t let you do this.”

“You don’t have a choice, Cap,” Ricky threatens, taking one step closer to Buck.

Close enough now that the barrel of his gun rests on Buck’s forehead, a cold sensation that sends him a jolt of fear. He fights to keep his face as neutral as possible, though he knows his eyes betray him – they always do. He can’t show his panic. It’ll only feed Ricky’s.

“Let’s go, Buck,” Ricky grunts. His brow is full of sweat. His right eye twitches. “Don’t try anything funny, or I pull the fucking trigger.”

“I won’t try anything,” Buck promises.

It’s only as Ricky makes him step before him, putting his gun against his spine, that Buck allows himself to take a look at his team.

They are tensed, worried, but they’ve been through enough nerve-racking situations to keep going despite their stress. He is endlessly proud of them, he loves them so much. He is not worried for himself, the only thing that worries him is their safety.

It’s okay, he mouths at them.

It is. As long as they are safe, it’s okay.

The next moment is too fast for Buck to comprehend it.

One second, he is walking away from them, a gun pressed hard against his back, he is walking towards danger and incertitude. He has no idea what he will do once he finds himself with Ricky.

The next instant, Athena appears out of seemingly nowhere and manages to disarm Ricky in a movement that’s too fast for anyone to follow.

Buck blinks, and Ricky is on the floor, arms twisted behind him and handcuffs being passed around his wrists.

Just like that, it’s over.

Buck can do nothing but stand there, useless, as the world keeps on turning around him. It’s over, Ricky is being taken into custody, Hen and Chimney are taking the patient to the ambulance.

He needs to get going. He needs to move.

He can’t bring himself to.

“Buck, are you okay?”

Bobby is in front of him, brows furrowed, and Buck watches as his mouth moves, forming words he can’t hear. Everything is afar, everything is slow. He’s back underwater, perhaps that’s where he has always been meant to be.

.

It takes some time, but by the time they are back to the station, Buck is back to himself. He has come up for air again, though it threatens to take him again. Time goes as it should, not quite fast, not elongated either.

Everything is back to normal.

Except that the team is silent, no one has said anything at all since Ricky.

Buck does not thing that he ever will be able to forget the man’s wild eyes, the feel of the gun on his forehead, on his spine.

No one says anything, not until they are back at the station, and then Bobby turns towards Buck with a fury – burning but contained – he has never shown.

“What the hell was that?”

Buck takes a step back, shocked.

“What were you trying to do?”

“I knew it was going to be fine,” he lies. “He was going to take you, I had to do something.”

“You could have died, Buck,” Hen interrupts. Her mouth is nothing but a thin line. “If Athena hadn’t been there – ”

“But she was, and it’s all fine now.”

Chimney throws his hands in the air, and mumbles something that Buck does not understand but that sounds a little too much like dumbass.

“You could have been hurt,” Bobby says through his teeth. “You could have died. What were you thinking?”

“I was thinking that I had to protect you!”

It’s too loud, too raw. His whole team is watching at him, their outrage wavering in the face of his own despair.

“I needed to keep the gun on me so that you guys could save the patient, and so that you wouldn’t get hurt.”

“And what about you?”

Eddie’s eyes are boring into him, and Buck wants to disappear. Eddie looks not angry but sad – sad because he knows. He knows Buck better than anyone else, and he knows what was going through his boyfriend’s mind out there.

Small mercies that he was not there, that he was outside the house while Buck was held at gunpoint. Eddie does not need that image burned in his memory.

“It’s – I would have been fine.”

“Buck,” Eddie calls, tender and heartbroken.

“Better me than any of you, okay? That’s what I was thinking.”

And the team must have expected it too because no one flinches. Their anger has evaporated and they look at him with something that’s not quite pity, if Buck had to name it, he would call it sympathy.

“You can’t think like that, Buckaroo.”

He is not sure who says it, but he almost laughs. He does not voice his doubts, yet he is sure they can read them on his face.

“Come here, you big moron.”

Chimney is dragging him into a quick hug before Buck has any time. It’s over almost as soon as it started, and then Chim is punching him in the shoulder.

“What the hell, Chim.”

“That’s what you get when you’re being a self-sacrificial moron.”

Buck smiles, he can’t help it, even as Hen gives him a slap to the back of his head.

“Don’t ever do that again,” Bobby says. It sounds like an order.

“Cap,” Buck replies with a sigh. “If it’s between the team and me, I’m always going to chose your safety over mine.”

“You said it. This is a team, we work together. No one gets left behind. Now get this through your head and never try anything like that again, you hear me?”

Buck nods. He couldn’t speak if he tried, too overwhelmed. He is starting to see that maybe he was wrong, maybe it wouldn’t have been all fine if something had happened to him.

He has people who care about him now. Who love him.

“He’s right, you know,” Eddie says.

“I’m sorry.”

He means it. He is sorry, he never wanted to worry his friends.

“Just – don’t do it again. Buck, I was terrified. If Athena – ”

“You can’t think about what could have happened,” Buck stops him, taking Eddie’s hands into his. “I’m here, you’re here. We’re safe. And I promise, I’ll do better. I don’t want you to worry about me.”

“I’m always going to worry about you.”

They share a quick kiss, soft and sweet.

Buck has come up for air, and he has never breathed as freely.

#evanweek2020 #evan buckley #911 fic #firefam #buddie #bobby nash #hen wilson #eddie diaz #howie han #911 #my writing #i almost didn't post this because i'm really not sure about it #but then i thought why the hell not #better that than nothing i guess

[lopithecusfanfiction]

Blinded in Chains: Chapter Four

Author: Lopithecus Pairing: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz Rating: Explicit Word Count: 5089 Alternate: AO3 Author’s Note: Enjoy! Tag List: @justsmilestuffhappens @tkandbuck @poppy3019 @mysepticheartfan1 @idealuk @irrationalyperfect @claire-nyc​ @javachik @ordinaryxgirl​ @silverrose6​ @wifeofkyloren17​ @haileymatthewss​ @daughter-of-infinity​

Buck doesn’t sleep that night after he’s told they are going to wake up Eddie in two days’ time. Or, at least, he tries to sleep but fails. Instead, he is up most of the night staring at the monitor, watching the thin white line going up and down in the rhythm of Eddie’s heartbeat. They’ve slowly taken him off the ventilator a few hours ago to make sure that Eddie can breathe on his own and once they were satisfied that he can, they hooked him up to a nasal cannula.

Buck has a shift he has to go to in a couple of hours despite not sleeping. He debates with himself whether or not to call in sick. Not because he’s tired, he’s way too wired for that, but because he doesn’t know if he could stand being away from Eddie for long periods of time at such a crucial time. He needs to be here just in case something goes wrong. The nurses reassure him more than once that, at this stage, it’s very unlikely that anything will happen and that they will update him on his hourly calls.

It doesn’t calm Buck down any but it does somehow give him the strength to get up, drive home, take a shower and get dressed, and then drive to work. He gets there late but it’s okay because, by now, everyone knows where he’s coming from. Some of the other crew members ask him about Eddie and he gives them the good news before hightailing it to the locker room where Chimney and Hen are standing there, waiting to ambush him. He tries to sigh discretely at seeing them, having come to the locker rooms to not only change but to hide from all the prying eyes and questions.

“Hey,” Hen is the first one to greet him, her eyebrows furrowing. “You look tired, Buckaroo.”

“Did something happen?” Chimney asks next, leaning against the lockers.

Buck shakes his head as he makes his way over to his locker, unlocking it and starting to change. “They’re waking Eddie up tomorrow.”

The room plummets into silence as the other two take in that information. “I’ll be there,” Hen says after a minute, nodding pointedly.

“I have to work tomorrow,” Chimney sounds regrettable, frowning at the fact that he won’t be there to support his friend.

“I’m sure we can get someone to cover you.” Hen shrugs. “We’ll talk to Bobby.”

Buck finishes pulling on his uniform, feeling his anxiety rising incrementally. “I haven’t told Bobby yet.” They look at him. “I haven’t really told anyone yet.”

“Isabel? His parents? Christopher?” Chimney clarifies.

Buck shakes his head. “What if… what if I tell them and something happens?”

“Like what?” Hen inquires. “I thought Eddie was doing better?”

“I don’t know. He-he has been but…” Buck takes a deep breath. It’s suddenly way too hard to breathe. “It’s been… There have been so many close calls…”

Hen walks up to him and places a hand on his shoulder, squeezing. “Eddie will be fine. He’s getting better and if he wasn’t, they wouldn’t be waking him up. Nothing is going to happen to him, Buck.”

Buck nods slowly but Hen’s words don’t help him at all. “I’ve got to go tell Bobby.” He pushes past Hen and walks by Chimney without another word. He finds Bobby in his office. “Bobby, can I talk to you for a second?”

Bobby gestures towards the chair that is situated in front of his desk. “Of course.”

Buck enters the office, closes the door, and sits down in the offered chair. He clears his throat, willing his hands to stop shaking. “Eddie is going to be woken up tomorrow.” Bobby nods, a ghost of a smile pulling at the edges of his lips. “Chimney has to work but he was wondering if maybe someone could cover him so he can be there?”

“Yeah, I’ll see what I can do. I want to be there as well,” Bobby says. The older man then looks Buck up and down. “You doing okay?”

Buck shrugs. “I’m doing alright. Nervous, I guess.”

Bobby gives him a reassuring smile. “He’ll be fine, Buck.”

“Bobby, in this line of work, I’ve been taught to always expect the worst to happen. There’s still time-”

“No, Buck,” Bobby interrupts. “Eddie is waking up tomorrow. Let’s not drown our relief and excitement for that in the worry of worse case scenarios.”

Buck looks to the floor, nodding minutely. He doesn’t have the energy to argue with him. “He might still be blind,” he says quietly.

“We’ll just have to wait and see.” Bobby shifts and his chair creeks, causing Buck to look up. “Are they going to test it right away?” Buck shrugs. The doctor hadn’t told him anything about testing Eddie’s sight and before Buck can state that, the bell rings. Bobby stands, sighing heavily. Buck knows this whole thing hasn’t been easy for him either. “Duty calls, Buck.”

Again, Buck nods and follows Bobby out, jogging to the firetruck.

*~~~*

Buck does eventually tell Eddie’s family and Eddie’s parents get a flight out that afternoon, arriving that night. They convene at Isabel’s with Buck coming over to check on Christopher before going back to the hospital to spend the rest of the night with Eddie. The first thing Buck is greeted with when he steps into the house is a lecture.

“You look too tired and thin,” Isabel chastises. She immediately hands him a donut from the half a dozen she had picked up after Christopher had begged her for some.

He smiles at her sheepishly. “Thank you.”

“You need to start taking better care of yourself, Buck.” She starts walking away and Buck follows her throughout the house.

Before this whole thing happened, Buck and Isabel hadn’t really known each other all that well. She knew Buck and Eddie were close friends and that Buck looked after Christopher sometimes, that Buck loves that kid almost as much as, if not just as much as, Eddie but her and Buck never really spoke much. After the accident, however, they’ve gotten to know each other a lot better. They’ve had long conversations with one another as they both sat next to Eddie in the hospital. Isabel always came by to visit her grandson every day and Buck was almost always there, never leaving Eddie’s side unless absolutely necessary. So it wasn’t hard to see each other and interact with one another. Now, she treats him as if he were her friend too, or maybe, if Buck really thinks about it, like Eddie’s boyfriend. Buck doesn’t correct her line of thinking and she never asks him, which Buck is grateful for.

“Yes, ma’am,” he says which earns him a playful glare. 

In the living room is Christopher with his grandparents. All three of them are on the floor, playing with a train set that Buck knows Eddie had bought Christopher for his birthday. Christopher hears him and Isabel enter the room and immediately jumps up. “Buck!”

“Hey, Buddy!” Buck crouches in order to give Christopher a hug. When he pulls back, he holds out the strawberry frosted donut to him. “Here.”

A wide grin spreads across Christopher’s face. “Thanks, Buck!”

Isabel swats him on the back of the head as Christopher turns around and heads back to the train set. “That was for you.”

“Sorry, Isabel,” Buck starts, standing. “I can’t resist that charming Diaz smile.”

“So I’ve gathered,” she comments, making Buck blush a deep red.

Helena and Ramon walk up to them, leaving Christopher to it. “Hello, Buck,” Helena greets, giving him a quick hug.

Buck gives the two his sweetest smile he can possibly manage. “It’s good to see you two again.”

“Wish it was under better circumstances,” Helena says.

Buck nods in agreement. “Me too.” He then looks past their shoulders to the nine-year-old playing on the floor. “Have you told him?”

Ramon nods. “Yes. He’s excited. It’ll probably be hard for him to sleep tonight.”

“He’s looking forward to finally talking to his dad,” Helena adds, a small smile in place.

 “Wait, you’re going to let him be there when Eddie wakes up?” Buck asks, astounded.

Ramon and Helena’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “Of course,” Ramon says. “He’s Eddie’s son and deserves to be there.”

“Plus,” Helena continues. “I’m sure Eddie would love to see him.”

“See him?” Buck has to swallow to keep himself from raising his voice incredulously. “But he can’t see him.”

“We don’t know that,” Isabel states but Buck is already angry at the nonchalance of the whole ordeal.

“No, but they aren’t taking the bandages off his eyes before they wake him,” he states, trying to stay calm and quiet so Christopher can’t hear him. “What if they decide to take them off just after he’s woken up and he still can’t see? The whole thing is going to be traumatic and overwhelming enough as is. You don’t think not being able to see his kid who is right there won’t just add to that? No,” Buck shakes his head, determined. “No, Eddie needs to process the situation before he learns he might never set eyes on his son ever again.” He shakes his head again. “Not to mention how upsetting it’ll be to Christopher to have to learn that way that his father can’t see him and never will.”

“So what are you suggesting?” Ramon asks him.

Buck shrugs. “Christopher goes to school like normal and if Eddie is willing and wanting to, then we let Christopher see him.”

“Are you suggesting Eddie won’t want to see his son?” Ramon accuses.

Buck refuses to be intimidated. They don’t seem to understand the extent of the situation. Buck has seen things like this many, many times in his life due to his work. He knows how traumatic this can be for both parties. “No, of course, Eddie’s going to want to see him but the point is, is that he can’t see. He’s going to have to have time to wrap his head around that and be allowed to feel… whatever it is he’s going to feel instead of worrying about making sure his kid isn’t scared.”

“I think Buck is right,” Isabel speaks up, stepping closer to him. “Eddie will want to protect Christopher from whatever is happening. He shouldn’t have to be made to put up a front in such an emotional situation.”

Helena and Ramon exchange glances with each other before Ramon talks. “Fine, but you will be the one to tell him.” He points to Buck, the unspoken words loud and clear. He wants Buck to be the bad guy, to be the one who breaks Christopher’s heart.

Buck frowns, trying to ignore the heavy weight that has settled itself on his chest. “Okay,” he says quietly, sounding small to even his own ears.

He waits until Christopher is in bed before he talks to him. Buck tucks him in, sits on the edge of the bed, reads a book to him because Christopher begged him to, and then takes in a deep breath to begin talking. "Hey, Chris, listen, I know you're excited about your dad waking up tomorrow but I think it's best if you go to school and come see your dad later if he’s up to it."

Buck has a hard time looking at Christopher's crestfallen face, his heart breaking for the nine-year-old. "Why? he asks.

Buck sighs, running a hand on his thigh nervously, and explains in the best way he knows how. "Your dad is going to be really tired and confused when he does wake up and the doctors are going to want to do a bunch of tests on him. I think it would be less stressful for your dad and for you if there were fewer people there." He runs a hand through Christopher’s curls. “Do you understand?”

“I… I think so,” Christopher looks up at him with those big blue eyes. “I trust you, Buck.”

Buck pulls Christopher into a tight hug, the boy wrapping his arms around Buck’s shoulders. “Thank you, Christopher.” Placing a quick kiss on top of Christopher’s head, Buck pulls back, running his hand through those curls one last time. “Get some sleep.”

He stays there until Christopher falls asleep, praying that Eddie will be able to see his son again.

*~~~*

By some miracle, they are all allowed to pack into Eddie’s room while they await the doctor’s arrival. Buck sits in his usual spot, holding onto Eddie’s left hand while his parents sit on the opposite side of the bed. Isabel, Bobby, Chimney, and Hen all stand around in various spots of the room. Eddie would probably hate all the attention he’s getting if he knew they all were there.

Buck’s nerves are on overdrive. He can’t believe this day has finally arrived. He’s going to be able to talk to Eddie for the first time in weeks and it makes him feel giddy but anxious at the same time. He subconsciously squeezes at Eddie’s hand, watching his face closely. He wonders when the doctor is finally going to be coming to tell them when and how this whole process is going to play out.

It takes another half hour before the doctor knocks on the door and enters. Everyone turns to him and his eyes widen with how many people are there. “Hello everyone,” he greets. Buck, Helena, and Ramon stand, buck rubbing his hands on his thighs nervously. “I guess I’ll get right to it then.”

The doctor explains to them what is going to happen. He tells them that he is going to slowly decrease the amount of the drug that is keeping Eddie in the coma in order to transfer Eddie into the waking room as gradually as possible. He warns them that Eddie is probably going to be very groggy and confused at first, along with being pretty weak due to not moving for a while. He then says the one thing that Buck probably presumes Eddie’s parents didn’t want to hear.

“I believe it would be a less stressful transition into consciousness if there was only one person here when it happened. The rest of you are free to wait in here for a few hours since it will take a while for Mr. Diaz to waken, but I suggest only waiting for about two hours. Then you are welcome to wait out in the waiting room until we can exam Mr. Diaz more and let you know if he can see more people,” the doctor explains.

Helena grabs onto her husband’s hand. “Can it be two people? It’s just, we’re his parents and we would like to be here for it.”

Before the doctor can even reply, Chimney is speaking up. “It should be Buck.”

All eyes turn to Chimney. “What?” Ramon asks.

The doctor holds up his hands. “I’ll let you all discuss who is going to stay for the process but if you do decide that it’ll be Mr. Diaz’s parents, then I see no problem in letting them both stay. A nurse will be in shortly to lower the dosage of Propofol that is being given to Mr. Diaz to keep him asleep.” He then leaves, giving them all an encouraging smile.

Ramon turns back to Chimney. “What do you mean it should be Buck?”

“Think about it,” Chimney begins. “Eddie is going to want to act strong and tough for his parents and anyone else for that matter. He deserves to react to this situation in whatever way he needs to instead of pretending to be fine and hiding his emotions.” He shrugs. “And to be quite honest, Buck is the only person I’ve ever seen Eddie be vulnerable in front of to allow himself that kind of freedom.”

“Well, that’s why we didn’t bring Christopher,” Helena states. “Because Buck thought the same thing, that Eddie would want to put up a front for him.”

“And Buck is right, Eddie would do that but he would also do that for the rest of us as well, except for Buck.” Chimney shoves his hands into his pockets. “He’s definitely not going to show what he is really feeling in front of his family and, despite being friends with Eddie, Bobby, Hen, and I aren’t as close to him as Buck is.” Buck’s cheeks flame red. “Eddie trusts Buck more than anyone in this room and feels the most comfortable with him. Buck is Eddie’s best friend and so he’s more likely to let himself show his emotions, which is something he’s going to need to do.”

The room grows quiet and Buck’s cheeks feel hot with embarrassment. Eventually, though, Ramon drags his eyes from Chimney to Buck and then to Eddie and back to Chimney. He gives a curt nod before saying into the silence of the room, “Okay.”

No one says anything about the subject after that, everyone silently agreeing with Chimney’s statement. A nurse does eventually come in and start reducing the dose of Propofol as the group makes meager chit chat but the air is now strained with emotions and anxiousness. After a couple of hours, they all start to shuffle out of the room, the first being Chimney and then Hen, followed by Bobby. Isabel leaves next, giving her grandson a quick kiss on the forehead. Helena and Ramon are the last to leave, Helena squeezing her son’s arm gently and kissing his cheek. Ramon places a hand on Eddie’s blanket-covered foot and says something so quietly, Buck can’t make out what it is. They both then leave after that, telling Buck they’ll be waiting out in the waiting room with the rest.

Another hour goes by and Eddie still hasn’t woken. The nurses reassure him that this is normal, that they are gradually reducing the medication so it could still be hours yet before Eddie wakes up. Every once in a while, Bobby or Isabel or Helena will pop their head in and check-in to see if Eddie has woken yet. Buck has to tell them that he’ll shoot them a text message when he does, that they don’t have to wait out in the waiting room if they don’t want to (they refuse to leave even at Buck’s persistence) and to stop coming in to check.

That’s why, when Buck hears a knock on the door, he’s immediately annoyed. He turns, expecting to see one of the three but is then surprised to see Beth standing there. The protective feeling Buck gets in his chest is overwhelming. He stands, stepping in front of the bed to block her view of Eddie.

“What are you doing here?”

Beth links her hands together, shifting her weight onto one foot. “I heard Eddie was being woken up. I wanted to see for myself.”

“I’m not going to let you belittle Eddie’s survival to him,” Buck informs her. “Besides, the doctor only wants one person here when he wakes up”

She nods, looking angry. “And, of course, it’s you.”

“What’s your problem?” Buck asks, feeling annoyed. “I’ve done nothing but try and support you.”

“Support me?” She takes a step closer to him. “Is that what you call telling me to let my husband die?”

“Because he’s already gone, Beth. Eddie living isn’t going to change that,” Buck tries to reason. “That body that you keep visiting… isn’t alive anymore. The machines are keeping it viable so it doesn’t rot away but there’s nothing there. Your husband is gone, Beth.”

“No!” she snaps at him. “How is it fair that he,” she points over to Eddie, “gets to live while the rest of the people that were in that same explosion get to die? Why? Why him? Why not more of them? Why not my husband? If Eddie can survive it, why can’t Isaac?”

“Beth,” there are tears streaming down her face now, eyes blazing with anger and jealousy and unadulterated grief. “I don’t know why and it isn’t fair.” He takes a step towards her. “But I do understand. I really do. Because at some point I had to accept the fact that Eddie might not survive this either. That I might have to say goodbye to someone I love.” It’s the first time Buck has admitted his feelings towards Eddie out load and it certainly isn’t how he had pictured doing it. It’s the only way he knows how to get through to Beth, though, so he tries to not think about it too much for now. “And accepting that, that I might lose him, it felt like I was dying too. But I did it anyway because I had to.” Beth says nothing, watching Buck, so he continues. “So no, it’s not fair, but you tell me , Beth, how is it fair that Eddie now has burn scars covering his body and that he might possibly be permanently blind? How is any of this fair to any of us?” He takes another step closer. “We were all screwed over by this accident that could have been easily avoided and the anger you are directing towards me should really be directed towards the people who caused it.”

“I’m not ready,” she cries.

“No one is ever ready, Beth.” Buck reaches her, thinks about pulling her into a hug, but then decides against it. “But saying goodbye to Isaac, letting go of him, and moving on is better than holding onto a hope that is never going to come.”

Beth reaches up, wipes at her face. “I don’t know what to do without him.”

“Grieve,” Buck tells her. “And then live, not only for Isaac but for Chloe too because she needs you now more than ever.”

“I’m sorry.” Buck opens his mouth to respond when he hears a soft groan coming from Eddie’s bed. He looks over, seeing the older man stirring. Beth continues, catching Buck’s attention again. “I hope it works out between you two.” There’s another groan, causing Buck to snap his head in Eddie’s direction and when he turns back to face Beth, she’s gone.

Taking a deep breath and trying to push his feelings about that whole exchange away, Buck rushes over to Eddie’s bedside. “Eddie?” He grabs a hold of Eddie’s left hand. “Eds? Hey, it’s okay, you’re in the hospital.”

Eddie shifts, moving his head groggily. “Buck?”

*~~~*

Eddie wakes slowly, or at least, he thinks he wakes up. He can’t actually open his eyes to see where he is and he feels the panic starting to settle in. His breathing speeds up and his heart starts to pound hard in his chest but then he hears a familiar voice, a voice that could always calm him down.

“Eddie?” He feels Buck grab his left hand, hears the creak of a chair as he sits. “Eds? Hey, it’s okay, you’re in the hospital.”

“Buck?”

“Yeah, it’s me. I’m right here, man.” Eddie can feel the pressure of Buck’s thumb rubbing against his knuckles but it’s weird. He doesn’t feel the flesh of it. There’s something wrapped around his hand.

And he can’t feel his right hand.

Panic surges through him again. “What?” His voice sounds thick and his words sound slurred. “What happened? Why… what’s on my eyes? Why can’t I…” he has to swallow, try and breathe. “Why can’t I feel my right hand?”

“Hey,” Buck’s soothing voice comes through Eddie’s heavy breathing. “Hey, Eddie, it’s okay, calm down.” He sounds concerned which really doesn’t help Eddie’s worried state but he does manage to take a few deep breaths to relax.

He’s exhausted.

“What’s going on?” Buck is quiet and if it weren’t for the other man holding his hand, Eddie might have thought he had left. “Buck?”

“Maybe the doctor should explain it to you.” The chair scrapes across the floor. “I should actually get a nurse.”

“No!” Eddie tries to tighten his grip on Buck’s hand but then realizes that he can barely move. He feels really weak, like a boulder is sitting on his limbs. “Please don’t leave.”

The slide of the chair against the floor tells Eddie that Buck has sat back down. He can hear Buck rub his hand against his jeans. “Eddie, I really think the doctor should explain things to you.”

Eddie tilts his head to the left, where he has been hearing Buck. “I want to hear it from you.” He’s having a hard time staying awake now, the crash of his panic-induced adrenaline rush exhausting him further. “Please.”

Buck takes a deep breath before he starts talking. His hand flexes in Eddie’s. “Do you remember what happened?”

Eddie tries to focus, groans a little when he tries to move his body but can’t find the strength, and recalls fragments of memories. He remembers the blinding light, hitting his head, the searing pain that had gone through his body. “Uh…” he starts tiredly. “Ex… explosion?”

“Maybe you should get some more sleep?”

Eddie shakes his head weakly. “No. I want… Explain.”

Another heavy sigh escapes from Buck’s mouth. It ghosts over Eddie’s face, making Eddie turn towards him more. “You’re right, there was an explosion. The factory had mixtures of chlorate and magnesium chloride in it. Do you remember?” Eddie nods his head slowly. “You and the rest of the crew members you brought with you, along with the employees, were in the room when the canisters blew up.”

“The employees?” Eddie asks. “Did they…”

Buck is silent for a few seconds before he says, “They didn’t make it, Eddie.”

Eddie feels his heart plummet. “And the crew?” His voice cracks and he hates it.

Buck doesn’t answer right away, he stays quiet for a very long time but Eddie still hears him swallow thickly in the dead silence. Then, when he speaks quietly, Buck’s voice sounds broken. “They all died, too.” Eddie lets out a ragged breath, feels how his whole body shudders with emotions. He sniffles. “Um… Hammond is on life support right now but…” A breath. “He’s gone, Eddie. Beth just needs to, uh, make the decision to… take him off.”

Eddie’s crying and for the first time since he’s woken up, he’s glad there is something over his eyes so Buck can’t see the tears that are soaking it. He takes in a shaky breath and when he goes to let it out, it catches in his throat and a sob escapes instead. Buck’s hand tightens around his, another hand lands on his bicep. “I’m sorry, Eddie,” Buck says gently but his voice sounds thick, as if he’s crying too. “I’m so sorry, Eddie.”

“I… I was supposed to keep them alive,” he cries and wishes he didn’t feel so weak so he can bring a hand up to cover his face. “It was my responsibility.”

“No,” Buck sniffles, hand leaving Eddie’s bicep and then coming back down wet, as if Buck had wiped at his face. “No, Eddie, this isn’t your fault. It’s the factory owners. He’s the one who didn’t disclose what they had in there. That’s not on you.”

“Wasn’t fast enough.”

“No one could have been, Eddie,” Buck reassures. “We shouldn’t have even been in there in the first place.” He pauses and Eddie takes in a trembling breath, calming. “Bobby has been a mess over it. He feels responsible as well but as I said, Eddie, the only one to blame is the factory owner. He put everyone at risk.”

Buck’s words really don’t help Eddie feel any less guilty but he does manage to stop crying. He’s the one who brought his coworkers and those employees into that room. He’s the one who didn’t move quickly enough to get them all out. He’s the one who led them straight to their deaths.

He had told them they would be okay.

He’s the one who lied.

“How did I survive?” he asks, voice now sounding even more ruined by his crying.

“I don’t know. Some miracle, I guess.”

Eddie shakes his head. “Not religious.”

There’s movement and suddenly Eddie wishes he could see what Buck is doing. “Neither am I.”

“My right hand… is it…”

“It’s still there,” Buck tells him. “Eddie, you got really badly burned. Some second-degree burns… some third. Your right hand was pretty bad. It is one of the spots that got the third-degree burns but also nerve damage.”

Eddie knows what that means. He’s seen it plenty of times out on the field during Afganistan and as a firefighter. “So I’m never going to be able to feel with that hand again,” he states.

He hears more shifting from Buck’s side, can practically feel Buck’s nervous energy. “That’s not the worse thing that happened Eddie.”

Eddie feels a chill run through his body. He knows what Buck is going to say next. It doesn’t take a genius to guess. “My eyes?”

Buck sighs heavily and the chair creaks. “Eddie, just keep in mind they don’t know the extent of the damage yet but…” Buck stops, as if he can’t bring himself to say it.

Eddie already knows. He’s seen this in Afganistan as well. The aftermath of an explosion can be brutal, including to the eyes or to the optical nerve. If it’s not the shrapnel that damages the eyes themselves, then it’s the shockwave that damages the optical nerve. Eddie shifts, tries to sink into the bed more. The movement makes him tired. “Is it partial or complete?”

“They don’t know yet.”

“Is it permanent?”

Buck’s hand rubs against his bicep briefly. “They don’t know that either” Eddie nods, feeling a suffocating heaviness engulfing his chest. “Do you want to talk about it?” Buck asks, as if he had been expecting a different reaction from him.

Eddie shakes his head. He doesn’t want to talk at all right now. He doesn’t even want to accept that this is happening. “I’m tired.”

He hears Buck stand and he lets go of Eddie’s hand with one last squeeze. “Why don’t you get some more sleep and I’ll go get a nurse.”

Footsteps sound across the floor. “Wait.” They stop. “Christopher? Where is he?”

“At school.”

Eddie nods in satisfaction, finally letting his entire body relax. “Good.”

The footsteps don’t start back up for a few seconds and then Buck’s voice calls out softly. “Get some sleep, Eddie.”

It doesn’t take him long to do just that.

———————————————————————————————————–

A/N: Don’t worry, Eddie isn’t going to always have this nonchalant attitude about his situation. He’s just tired, probably a little bit in denial, and it hasn’t really sunk in yet.

Thank you all for reading!! ❤❤

#Buddie #Evan Buckley #Eddie Diaz #911 #911 on Fox #Buck #Blinded in Chains #My Fanfiction

[loveistherootofhappiness]

Written for my Countdown to Christmas series.

Word Count: 2622

Summary:  Seeing the sadness and frustration on Eddie’s face almost made Buck break his silence. Though it was physically paining him, Buck held on to the secret, more determined than ever to make this work. For them.

Also can be read here

-----

“Hey, can we talk?” Buck asked as soon as Athena’s face appeared on the screen of his phone. He felt she was the best person to talk with about this, she may know more than he does.

He could see the question in her eyes as she sat down something she was holding out of frame, “I got a minute or two, what’s up?”

“I just wanted to ask you,” Buck paused trying to find the right words, “has Bobby shown any odd symptoms at home or anything?”

He noticed the flash of worry before her expression settled into a look of determination. “What happened?” Before buck could even begin to formulate a response, Athena continued, “and before you try to lie to me and tell that me you were just curious or some bullshit, I know you called me for a reason, so what is it?”

He sighed, he didn’t want to do this to Bobby, but he was worried and wanted to see if he was on to something. He got up and fully closed the door of the room he was in, to make sure no one overheard him. “So when we were out on a call today Bobby’s nose started bleeding,” he saw Athena’s eyes widen, “now it wasn’t full on, blood everywhere it was just a couple of drops,” he clarified quickly, “I was just worried because it wasn’t hot out and he’s not the type to get them. Unless he does at home.”

“No he’s not, not that I’ve seen or he’s told me anyway.” Athena wasn’t trying to hide her worry. “Have you noticed anything else going on with him?”

“Oh, he suggested that we were getting Chinese when we work tomorrow because he didn’t feel like,” he made sure she saw the air quotes he did, “cooking. Takeout, Athena?” He knew his voice was a bit whiny, but he was more than looking forward to a Bobby style home cooked meal.

He saw a bit of amusement in Athena’s eyes, “okay, okay. Him not wanting to cook isn’t too worrisome. That nose bleed is though.”

“I’ve been keeping an eye on him, like we talked about, and haven’t seen anything until today. And I have been doing a ton of research. Did you know exposure radiation could case aplastic anemia?”

“I did know that actually,” Not expecting her answer, he wanted to ask her how, but he suspected he already knew. “I know a lot of things about... it. More than I should, less than half of it I understand completely, but, we’re not going to worry, because-”

“I know, I know. WebMD can convince you that anyone is dying.”

“That and we’re keeping the faith that he’s gonna be fine,” Athena tried her best to sound reassuring.

“It’s hard, the not knowing.”

“You know I understand. We’ll have the results soon. As soon as we know, I’m sure he’ll tell you. He’s gonna be fine,” she sounded like she was trying to convince herself more so than him, but he knew better than to say it out loud.

“Alright, I’ll let it go, for now, but if he gets another nose bleed-“

“I’ll expect nothing less from you.” Athena cut him off, already knowing where he was going.

Buck leaned back and sighed. He knew talking to her would make him feel better. “This whole thing sucks. I understand working on Christmas, it’s one of the sacrifices of the life we chose, but you just wanna spend these kind of holidays with family. Chris was so disappointed that we weren’t gonna be with him on Christmas.” As soon as he said that, an image of a disappointed Christopher entered his mind.

“Its always hardest on the kids. I have years of disappointed and angry faces under my belt.”

“How’d you handle it?”

“I just let them know how much I loved them and made it clear that I’d be with them if I could, but mom was needed elsewhere today.”

“Yeah, we know that Chris understands that we can’t always be around when he wants Eddie or me to be. It just still-“

“Sucks.”

“Yep.”

It does. I’m feeling a little of it this year, myself. It’s a miracle that I’m even off this year and we can’t even spend it as a family.”

“And that’s what I want. To spend it with my family eating good food,” he rolled his eyes, “not takeout.”

He saw the smirk forming on her face, “maybe I can do something about that.”

“What you mean? You planning something?”

Before she could respond the bell rang, signaling another emergency. He groaned, knowing he’d have to end their conversation. “We’re not done talking about this.”

“You’re right we’re not, because I’m going to need your help. Now go before you get left. Be safe.” Her face disappeared and her phone was back to it’s home screen. He pocketed the device and made a point to call her back as soon as he could.

The call they were handling was over quickly and as soon as he was back at the station, he excused himself to call Athena again. She told him that she was thinking of bringing Christmas to the firehouse, which he more than agreed with. As they planned out the logistics, Buck wondered how they would pull all of this off on such short notice. He also knew that if anyone could it would be her and he was more than willing to do whatever was needed to help.

“So what you’re saying is that there will be turkey?”

“Yes, Buck, there will be turkey.”

The more they planned, the more real it became. They were actually making this happen. They ran over the lists of who all to invite. They planned out how they were going to do the dinner. It was ultimately decided to keep this a surprise. He couldn’t wait to see everyone’s faces Christmas. They decided they were going to play the day by ear and he would keep in constant communication with her. The call ended with a game plan and heavily satisfied Evan Buckley.

As he walked out the room her was in, he ran into Bobby. “Hey, where did you disappear to?”

“Oh, ah, yeah. I just needed to make a phone call,” he said quickly, “Someone asked me to call them back.” Bobby seemed to be satisfied with his answer and didn’t question him further before walking to his office. Buck sighed in relief going in the opposite direction towards the loft.

It was an eventfully uneventful rest of his shift. He yawned as he walked to his locker to get his things, ready to go home and fall into bed. After making sure he had everything, he went to find Eddie, as he was his ride home.

“Hey, man, you ready to go?” Eddie asked as he put his bag on his shoulder.

“More than. My bed is calling me.”

Eddie chuckled, “of course it is. Do you mind if we go by and pick up Christopher first. With it being Christmas Eve, I wanna spend as much time with him as possible today,” Eddie sighed deeply, “since I can’t be with him tomorrow.” Seeing the sadness and frustration on Eddie’s face almost made Buck break his silence. Though it was physically paining him, Buck held on to the secret, more determined than ever to make this work. For them.

Buck put a comforting hand on Eddie, “You know I’m more than good with it. I’m always down to spend time with my little buddy.” Buck smiled at him. Eddie gave him small smile as they walked towards his truck. As they hopped in, Buck felt the need to say, “Everything’s gonna be okay with Chris, I’m sure of it. And hey, dude, it is the season of miracles after all, anything could happen.” Buck gave him his signature toothy grin.

Eddie rolled his eyes playfully, “wow. Sage words or wisdom there.

“Whatever, you know I’m right.” Eddie ignored him as he pulled out of the parking lot.

As soon as they walked through door of Eddie’s grandmother’s home they heard, “dad!”

Eddie ran up to his son while Buck stood back and observed, Isabella closing the door behind them. “Hey, bud, I thought we were going to have to pry you out of bed, what are you doing up so early?”

Buck hugged Eddie’s grandmother, “Buck,” she greeted kissing him on the check.

“Good morning Mrs. Diaz-Cardenas. What smells so good?”

“Buck, I’ve told you before to call me Isabella,” she corrected lightly, “and when Edmundo called me and said he was coming to get him, I thought I’d make some breakfast. And you know how niñito is, wanting to be up to see his father, he put his request in.”

“Pancakes and bacon?” Buck asked, already knowing the answer.

“You know it.” Yes, Buck did.

Eddie put Chris down and they walked towards the kitchen. “Smells good Abuela,” Eddie said as he reached the bacon on the dining table. Isabella smacked his hand immediately, earning chuckles from Buck and Christopher. “Ow!”

“You know the rule.” She said simply.

“Lavarte los manos antes de comendo,” The phrase that’s been drilled into Eddie’s head since childhood, falling from his lips with ease. “I’ll be back guys.”

Buck debated if he was going to wait to tell Isabella and Christopher now or later. He decided now was the perfect time since he had both of them in front of him without Eddie. He sat down at the table across from Christopher while Isabella was fixing his plate. “Hey, Chris, how would you feel about spending Christmas with me and dad at the firehouse?”

“Yeah!” Chris exclaimed a little loudly, eyes wide and full of excitement.

“I thought you and him had to work?” Isabella asked as she turned towards him.

“We do. Athena and I are planning a Christmas party for tomorrow, making sure everyone’s families are there. Everyone deserves to be with family on Christmas,” Buck said, smiling towards Christopher.

“That they do.” Isabella said warmly. “I think it’s a wonderful idea and we’ll most definitely be there. Right niñito?”

“Yeah, we will.”

“There’s just one thing: your dad doesn’t know about it, it’s a surprise. Do you think you can keep the secret?” Buck asked him with mock seriousness.

“You can count on me.”

“I know I can.”

“Alright, let’s eat.” Eddie said eagerly as he walked back into the kitchen.

“Alright!” Buck’s hand was reaching towards a plate when he felt that familiar stinging sensation on the back of his hand. He winced in pain as he looked up to see Isabella giving him the look.

“Don’t think that rule didn’t apply to you, too. Now go wash up before you touch any of this food.” Buck felt like a scolded child, which he found funny. He was holding back his laughter, not wanting Isabella to feel disrespected.

“Yes, ma’am.”

XXXXX

The gang’s all here. The food’s been delivered. Everything’s good on this end. Just waiting on you guys. Oh, and he did tell you right?

Great! We’re on the way back now. ETA about 10 minutes. And yeah he did. :)

Good, he knew the consequence if he didn’t. See you soon.

Buck locked his phone screen after reading Athena’s response. They’d been texting all day so she’d know when the best time to arrive was. Everything up to this had gone super smoothly. And he managed to keep suspicion down to a solid minimum, a Christmas miracle. He was ready to see the look on everyone’s faces.

It was better than he expected when they arrived back at the station and Athena made her presence known. Everyone going upstairs to be greeted by their family and friends. Karen told Athena she was going to bring the kids from the group home and they looked happy to be there as well. It was what the holidays should be.

They did this. They pulled it off.

Later, after everyone had ate until they were full, they all sat around with their respective families, enjoying the time. At this point, no one cared if the bell rang or not. Buck sat on one of the couches, watching Christopher play with the gift he had gotten him and other gifted toys with Denny, Harry, and other kids. He twiddled the mistletoe in his hands between his fingers, when he felt the couch shift as some sat next to him. He knew who it was without even looking.

“It is the season for miracles, after all, anything could happen. Eddie’s playfully mocking tone was, Buck assumed, supposed to be a bad impression of him.

“Okay, a, I don’t sound like that. At all. And b, told ya. Christmas is always full of surprises.” He said cheekily.

“Yeah, well, it’s not the one that’s full of surprises,” Eddie turned towards him and looked him in the eyes, “I can’t thank you enough for this,” the sincerity in Eddie’s voice meant everything to him, “I mean look at him,” they looked toward Chris, “I have seen him smile like this in a while. I’m probably gonna need the jaws of life to get the fire truck away from him. I can already tell how much he loves it.”

“It wasn’t just me, it was ultimately Athena’s idea. We just worked together to make all of this happen,” he looked down at the mistletoe, “I’d like to think I put the idea in her head though,” he met Eddie’s eyes again, “I wanted to do this. For you, for Christopher, for all of us. Everyone deserves to be with the people they love on the holidays.” Buck knew that even if he had to do all of this himself, he would have made it happen, just to see what he was seeing now.

Eddie reached over to the side of the couch, picked up a perfectly wrapped present, and placed it on Buck’s lap. He looked down at the bright blue wrapping paper decorated with snowflakes. He spotted the sticker in the corner that told him it was from Eddie. He looked back up at him. “Oh man, Eddie...”

“Nope, none of that. Just open it.”

Buck did as he was told, ripping the paper eagerly to see what was inside. He opened the small box and chuckled. He rolled his eyes at Eddie before holding up his present, “Mortal Kombat 11?”

“Yep, I know you haven’t gotten the game yet and you wanted to. And, when I completely mop the floor with your ass, you’ll know it’s coming from a special place in my heart,” Eddie had the audacity to shrug, “you’re welcome.”

“Okay, but you got lucky last time. And that sounds like a challenge,” Buck said as he put the game back in the box, “we’re both off in a couple of days, my house?”

“If you wanna get beaten on your own turf, that’s entirely up to you. It think we both remember our Mario Kart showdown at your place,” Eddie laughed.

“Wow,” Buck sucked his teeth, “okay. You’re on. Get ready to regret you ever said that.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Buck shook his head as he placed the game back in the box and closed it. “But thanks, Eddie. This is- this is great,” his voice caught around the lump in his throat.

“After everything, you’ve done for me, today alone, it’s the least I could do.” Buck was caught by surprise when Eddie pulled him in for a tight hug, which he didn’t hesitate to reciprocate, “Merry Christmas, Buck.”

“Merry Christmas, Eddie.”

#buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #christopher diaz #athena grant #bobby nash #911 #countdown to christmas #this was a joy to write #hope you enjoy #fanfic writing hell

[bright-molina]

ok wait this is the anon asking about how the buckley-mercers came about and I read Emergency Contact again and realized it was a reader insert and I cannot help but think that the reader has to have some form of trauma they are literally a buckley and now I can’t stop thinking about what it could be? I JUST ADORE YOUR WORK SO MUCH

ONCE AGAIN ANON YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY AN ANGEL!!!!!

I'm so glad you like this little world as much as me and @biqherosix do oh my gosh 🥺

[I'm gonna use she/her pronouns for this one but if anyone would prefer any others just let me know!]

Ahh okay SO

Short answer: poor Baby Buckley has had it rough. Absent parents and both her siblings leaving her alone left her with her fair share of abandonment issues and quite a bit of emotional detachment.

Long answer:

Baby Buckley is Alex’s age, they met when they were young a couple times during family reunions and whatnot and the last time they exchanged numbers and they talk all the time, calls, texting, facetime, everything (this will be relevant in a little bit)

We all know Maddie practically raised Buck herself and the two of them are the ones who raised Y/N

But still, it isn’t the same as having parents. If they paid little attention to Buck, they paid even less attention to y/n, there were a lot of times when their parents forgot there were kids in the house at all

Buck is 11 years older so when he was out doing something it was y/n fending for herself, a child barely old enough to read with no one there, that’s just how it was

So she learned to keep to herself, she could never keep her parents' attention no matter how hard she tried, and she tried practically everything. They always looked past her so she learned quickly to keep every single thing locked inside cause there was no one there to pay attention either way

It was always different with Maddie and Buck though, she let her guard down then because they were always there. She could trust them. Then Maddie left. She knew nothing about what was going on, all she saw was someone else leaving her alone. So she distanced herself. They both did.

Then one night Buck mentioned wanting to leave, promising y/n he’d take her with

But when he found the letter from Maddie telling him she couldn’t go with them he didn’t know what to do. Without her guiding him to do the right thing he was lost, fully believing he couldn’t do it. So he left.

He took a page out of Maddie’s book and left y/n a letter, promising he’d keep her updated and visit her soon

And for a while she believed him. She waited by the door every day after school, collected his postcards and hung them on her wall, smiling as she read the stories he told over and over again.

But days turned to weeks then months then a year had gone by and nothing

He still sent postcards and gifts on birthdays but it wasn’t the same as having him there

The postcards and pictures became bitter reminders that he was out living his life, happy as could be, without her. So she took them down and stuffed them deep inside an old backpack out of sight. Every new one he sent joined the pile unread.

Maddie stopped answering her calls and it became more obvious that they had both moved on without her

So there she was, alone at home, with two parents who preferred to pretend she didn’t exist

They were absent at best, most days were spent alone in her room, either sitting in silence or blasting old cd’s as loud as she could but never letting herself think of either of her siblings

She was never too good at remembering to do things herself, it was just easier to forget anything and everything, easier to not say a single word

Her only relief came when Alex called, he’d relay everything about how his band was doing, play her their newest songs, and sometimes when he could tell she was having a rough time he’d sing to her

That brief period of feeling okay, of feeling like there was someone there, meant everything. As they got older the phone calls turned to texts and even those became more sporadic until they stopped all together for a brief period of time.

I’m actually gonna elaborate on the rest of this in another short fic I’m working on now but essentially:

One day Y/N gets a call from Alex’s phone but it’s not actually Alex. It’s Reggie, Luke, and Bobby looking for him, he was missing and they thought she’d know where he could be

It’s not him, it doesn't sound like something he'd do and she can tell something is wrong. So naturally, she uses the debit card Buck left her to buy herself a ticket to LA telling them “No one will miss me here anyway.”

Y/N is 15 when she decides to stay in LA. Permanently.

The five of them practically live in Bobby’s garage together, it’s just safer and better for them given everything they have to deal with at their respective houses. They’re there for each other and that’s all they need, they’re convinced of it.

She has no clue Buck is also in LA. The postcards were at the bottom of one of the only bags she took with but they’re still left unread. She doesn’t answer the calls from him or Maddie and the first time her dad calls she loses it, breaks down in angry tears and throws the phone across the room because why now?

It’s months later, her and Luke, who are the quickest, are at a grocery store, one of the big ones that can afford to lose a little money, with their bags and sublty sneaking whatever they need into the pockets. Everything happens fast and next thing they know there’s a scream, a lot of yelling, and upon closer examination, an accident.

Despite everything, Y/N picked some stuff up from Maddie and she’s the first to rush to the scene, telling Luke to call 911

She makes friends, hesitant ones, with the paramedics who responded to the call. The one who helped her, Chimney as he introduced himself, doesn’t tell anyone about the things stuffed in her bag. He does however promise that if she ever needs anything to come down to the 118 and ask for him and his friend, Hen.

Eventually, she does and as promised, they're both there. She’s tense and on edge the entire time she follows them around the place but it’s not until she gets to the second floor that she realizes she made a mistake going there in the first place.

The very first person she lays eyes on is her brother. Evan Buckley himself.

And she runs.

#i just am obsessed okay #i don't know whether to start adding tags to these little hc's but anyway #jatp #911 #buckley mercer universe #lovely anons