#But I remember listening to 1d that often

[sadaveniren]

Why Louis doesn't like his pop era?I think pop louis is amazing. Although many people consider this as an unpopular and rude comment, but I really didn't like the fitf album, it wasn't my cup of tea. I love Louis pop era, always say I wish he would sing pop again. Am i selfish, Idk.

I don’t think wishing for something makes you selfish. Admitting you don’t like an album he made doesn’t make you selfish. Especially when you aren’t going to concerts and harassing you know?

Now I can only speculate why Louis doesn’t like his pop era, but it could be a variety reasons:

- just because he CAN do pop incredibly well doesn’t mean he enjoys it. Taeyeon from the kpop girl group SNSD comes to mind. SNSD’s biggest song is this really REALLY cute pop song called Gee and she notoriously HATES it. She hates being cute. She hates having to do cute dances. But again, it’s their biggest song so she HAS to perform it.

- it’s not what he feels authentic doing. And he kinda touched on this in his documentary but one of the things Louis struggled with post 1D was how to be authentic. He felt like there was a divide between his authentic self in private and the image he puts out. Maybe making music more authentic to him helps him balance that feeling up to?

- he doesn’t care to perform pop songs. If you’ve listened to some of those leaked songs… he’d 100% have to learn to dance in some capacity to perform them and can any of us imagine Louis learning dance choreography?

- he didn’t like being censored. Remember when he found out they were playing a censored radio edit of BTY? Yeah. If he’d stuck with pop that would have been happened more often

- he got a taste of what his audience would be if he stuck with pop and decided it wasn’t for him. Notice how he hasn’t been on radio Disney or the teen choice awards since veering away from that? Yeah I’m not sure that’s his preferred demographic.

#answered

[seasurfacefullofclouds1]

Hey, just wanted to share:) I’m not a fan yet, just started to listen to his music, but Louis seems very delicate, lovely hands, movements, he is like a lovely bird, very pleasant to watch him in movement. Kinda you want hug hig him very softly and just hold. Hope it’s not creepy, just he seems really sweet.

Greetings!

It’s like what Helen says, Louis puts on a “lads” persona but he is gentle and sensitive; he sees and empathizes, he feels, he remembers. He carries himself with elegance, but innately (since the first years in 1D), he has a constant, androgynous delicacy that permeates his every movement.

His songs are also balanced between the poetic and vernacular, between laughter and tears, between hope and nostalgia and sadness.

I noticed that Louis often writes and sings songs in a mid- to high-tenor register which strips away the baritone harmonics. This leaves his voice brighter, clearer, more plangent. It’s not as muscular or naturally athletic as Zayn’s high register (you can tell Louis has worked for it), but Louis’ high register is compelling in its unique way, imbued with emotion and delicacy.

It’s not really consistent with most indie or alt-rock music, nor are Louis’ songs quite like the roaring, belting ballads that Lewis Capaldi or Rag n Bone Man sing. There is always some element of Louis being a one-man epic, maybe, of stepping up to a cliff’s edge and bringing his listeners with him. But when you get there? The view is worth everything.

#louis tomlinson

[dancewithlou]

Louis has such an amazing writing style and his lyrics are always incredible but something I’ve always loved is the way he carries the same themes/ motifs throughout his writing. Even looking back on songs from 1D that he wrote on there are clear indicators that he wrote on it because of the themes, lyrics or style of the song often you can tell by the bridge too my man never misses with a bridge he constructs them like no other.

An example of motifs is his use of religious imagery or language in his songs.

‘There’s a devil in your smile that’s chasing me’ // the priest thinks it’s the devil’ // ‘it’s a church of burnt romances’ // ‘im too far gone to pray’ // ‘the devil in my brain’ // ‘demons, I’m taking all of my demons’ - it’s interesting how this is a consistent theme and there’s phew so much to unpack in these songs and their connotations themselves but the lyrics are so emotive. As someone who has a religious background the use of religious imagery is actually something I love because it’s something I pick up on quite quickly. Louis often talks about ‘the devil’ a devil or demon is a crafty creature a ‘fallen angel’ a trickster his use of talking to someone and saying ‘there’s a devil in your smile’ is almost him saying ‘I’m gonna regret this but you’re so tempting and I can’t escape you, I also don’t want to’

‘The priest thinks it’s the devil’ in End of the day Louis is demonstrating loving someone, you can’t help but love that person there’s no escape again linking back to ‘the devil in your smile that’s chasing me’ not to mention the religious trauma that comes along with this line, ‘the priest’ thinks you’re sick your possessed and incurable, because you can’t in fact change who you love. This then links to ‘the devil in my brain’ now remember how in End of the day Louis was being told he was possessed well here’s Louis acknowledging this ‘demon’ he hears the demon in his head this incurable part of him he can’t escape and he can’t help but to listen to this demon because he can’t help who he is as he addresses in End of the day. In Only the brave (which is a song full of queer connotation and religious trauma and imagery) Louis again addresses how he’s ‘too far gone to pray’ how this ‘church of struggles of romances that have burnt to bright but then been put out too soon’ makes him feel like he couldn’t possibly pray he is a possessed man remember the priest has told him that he is wrong, this song addresses the deep trauma of coming to accept how hard it is to love so honestly ‘I’m breaking my own rules’, he’s going against what he’s always been told and therefore something he’s always allowed himself to believe but he is learning to be himself and accept himself because at the End of the day, love is only for the brave. But finally after all this questioning after being told he’s sick, being told he has a devil in him he finally in Out of my System finally sheds off these traumas finally learns to accept who he is ‘Demons, I’m taking all of my demons’ he’s collecting the parts of him that he’s been told are wrong the parts he should hate the ‘devil in his brain’ but he’s ‘putting them where he can’t see them’ because he doesn’t need them anymore he doesn’t want to listen to this trauma because he’s grown from that, he’s getting it Out of his system because he’s finally accepted who he is and he’s being true to himself.

There’s a lot of dark connotations to religious lyricism and the guilt that shines through is prevalent this theme carries through so much of his song writing and it’s truly beautiful like I could truly go on about it (but I won’t I promise). There are countless examples of other motifs and ideas he uses in his lyricism but this is one I’ve never truly seen get truly addressed and it’s in my opinion one of his deepest and most painful themes because of the trauma that comes through the terrifying feeling of trying to be yourself of learning to accept yourself and honestly you don’t even need to look too hard to hear and see the queer connotations that cover such a theme.

#anyway as always my man’s pen never fails him #Drabble #Louis lyrics #Louis themes/ motifs #Louis songwriting #queer connotations #love is only for the brave #🌈🌈🌈 #louis tomlinson

[alarrytale]

What is the most Larry song in your opinion and why?

Hi, anon!

Out of Harry and Louis' songs or just in general?

This is just going to be very unoriginal because i'm a 2012 larrie. If it's in general i think it's either "Sweet Dispositon" by The Temper Trap, "Read All About It pt. III" by Emeli Sandé or "Uncover" by Zara Larsson. I can't really choose between them. Every single lyric just fits them.

Sweeeeeeeet Diiiiiiiispoooositooon i can't listen to without crying. Also Harry's tattoo of the lyrics and his tweets about the song. If somebody finds a way to not cry just hearing the intro to this song, let me in on your secret.

Read all about it is just a powerful song. It became even moreso to me when Emeli came out of the closet. It's 'bout time we got some airplay of our version of events. Hell yeah it is.

And last but not least "Uncover". Larries knows this song is about Larry and Zara Larsson got big because of larries and she knows the song is about Larry for us.

If you mean a song by H or L i'd acually say "They don't know about us" by 1D. I remember my jaw being on the floor hearing that one for the first time when TMH leaked. Like how were they allowed to release that? How much stunting did they trade off? I don't know why this fandom doesn’t talk about that song more often. Is it because it's too special or too painful? The song exists and it's right there.

#larry songs #tdkau #sweet disposition

[niallermybabe]

ONE DIRECTION WILL BE FOREVER REMEMBERED.

1D-related-things are becoming rarer and rarer, and I just can't stand it. I am going to post about 1D more often now.

I do not hate K-pop, but I swear, One Direction was something. They were a Phenomenon. Just like Louis and probably other members want, I will not let One Direction die.

They will be remembered forever. FOREVER, and I mean it. I am going to keep talking about them, posting about them, and when the time comes, tell my kids about them. Because I am not going to let my boys disappear. They are talented, they deserved to be loved, to be remembered forever. If no one is gonna do it, then I'm gonna do it.

I may be the last Directioner on Earth, and I don't-freaking-care. I am going to rebuild the fandom. True Directioners stay with the boys, and whoever doesn't, isn't one.

I'm proud to say that I'll forever be a Directioner. I would do anything, so that One Direction will be remembered. I love the boys, and they truly deserve it. I will not listen to shit like "Stop hoping, they ain't coming back" because I-don't-care. One Direction will forever be in my heart okay, and once there is a Directioner left, the fandom will arise.

Remember, Directioners never die.

P/s: I love my boys, but I respect people who don't. If you're a 1D-hater, don't bother trashing my DM - 'cause as a Directioner, it won't phase me;)

#one direction #louis tomlinson #zayn malik #niall horan #liam payne #directioner #one direction fandom #TRUE DIRECTIONERS NEVER DIE

[leighsartworks216]

Midnight, The Stars and You (Songfic Kinda)

Damien x fem!reader (Can also be read as gn)

Requested by @yourthoughtsjim:

“Yes, hi, I have come out of the shadows to ask for Damien x f!reader and "But I want to hear you sing". I would love for a One Direction song to be incorporated if it's not too much to ask. I just really want to imagine Damien singing a 1D song”

Fluff 14. “But I want to hear you sing.”

I know you wanted a 1D song but bestie I remembered that this song existed and I could just hear Mark singing it and I MELTED

Song is "Midnight, the Stars and You" by Al Bowlly (ignore that WKM takes place in the 20s and this song is from the 30s just ignore it)

Warnings: none

Word Count: 744

Masterlist

The tinny, hazy sound of a phonograph filled the office. The record spun out the gentle tune of a piano, of violins and brass horns. It was not often that the mayor got to pull out the music player, but today felt special. He couldn’t place his finger on why.

Mayhaps it was the fact that you were visiting. Of course, the District Attorney and the Mayor work close together, but it never felt close enough. Oftentimes, Damien thought back to those old university days. The nights never felt so long. The stars never shone as bright as they had when you both snuck onto the roof to gaze into the heavens.

Mayhaps he wouldn’t have even been thinking of those old days were it not for the record he chose to fill the silence.

“Midnight,” Damien hummed along, almost under his breath it was so silent, “with the stars and you. Midnight and a rendezvous.”

He’d never been one to brag, never one to show off. The only time he could recall singing in front of an audience was in front of family as a child, during holiday dinners. He didn’t think he had a good voice, anyway. It certainly wasn’t one worth sharing.

“Your eyes held a message tender, saying ‘I surrender all my love to yo-’ Y/N!” Damien stood up from his desk in an instant, eyes wide with shock and mouth nearly gaping open. “Wh-When did you get here? I must not have heard you knock.”

He gestured for you to enter as he hurriedly rushed to his phonograph to stop the music. He could feel the warmth in his cheeks from embarrassment, and cursed himself for it. How was a mayor supposed to speak in front of crowds of people if he couldn’t even handle being caught doing something as harmless as singing?

“I just arrived. And I… I didn’t knock.”

Once the music stopped, he turned to face you once more, brow furrowed. “Oh? May I ask why not?”

The grin that lit up your face, full of mischief and simple joy. Oh, it tugged on his heartstrings like an orchestra tuning up for a large number.

“I heard you singing.”

“Yes, I do apologize for that, dear DA.” He tugged at his collar, glancing away for a brief moment to help collect himself. You’d always been more confident than he was. He supposed that’s why you wished to go into law. “We have much more important matters to attend to than listen to me sing all afternoon.”

“But I want to hear you sing.”

His mouth opened, ready to say something. But it shut soon after. It opened a good couple more times as he watched you cross from the door of his office to the silent phonograph. Your fingers so carefully picked up the needle and placed it back on to the record, starting it from the beginning. Sweet violins and brassy horns filled the space once more.

You turned to him with a twinkle in your eye he hadn’t seen since you graduated, and outstretched a hand. “Dance with me.”

“Well, now, I really don’t think that’s, erm, appropriate.”

You rolled your eyes. “Business can wait a few more minutes, Dames. Dance with me.”

Dames. When was the last time you called him that?

Taking a deep breath in to steel his nerves, he gave a curt nod and took your hand in his. Your other hand met his shoulder and his landed with uncertainty on your waist. He began to lead you to the sound of the music, trying not to get lost in your eyes as you turned and swayed throughout his office.

Midnight, with the stars and you

Midnight and a rendezvous

“Sing for me?”

Your eyes held a message tender

Saying “I surrender all my love to you”

Damien almost lost himself in your trance. Quietly, nervously, he sang under his breath as you continued to dance. If you hadn’t been standing so close, you never would have heard it.

“Midnight brought us sweet romance.” He forced himself not to glance at your lips. “I know all my whole life through…”

Your sweet grin finally drew his eyes downward. You were singing along with him. His heart raced in his chest, pounding against his ribcage like a trapped bird.

I’ll be remembering you,

Whatever else I do

Midnight, with the stars and you

Oh how helplessly he fell in love.

#fanfic #fanfiction #markiplier #markiplier egos #markiplier egos x reader #damien #wkm damien #who killed markiplier #wkm #wkm the mayor #the mayor #fem reader #x fem reader #gender neutral reader #gn reader #x gn reader #fluff #dancing #romantic #songfic

[withlove-sid]

So my friend and I combined braincells to analyze Music For A Sushi Restaurant and we really think it’s about Harry’s relationship with the music industry.

Think this theory is farfetched? We thought the same when we first came up with it, but Harry has since reinforced it SO MUCH through interviews (more on this later).

This song masquerades as an almost nonsensical love song. But if you listen closely, you can hear the sarcasm in the way he sings it. It’s actually criticism of the music industry. The sarcasm is heard the most clearly in “You know I love you babe”, just listen to his tone of voice. In addition, this line is accompanied by frustrated screaming in the background.

We think he’s capturing the frustration of being in the music industry with this line. He very clearly does love it. He’s said it himself when he mentioned how much he’s loved his journey so far in the Better Homes and Gardens interview.

Now, loving something doesn’t mean you can’t point out its flaws. This is where the sarcasm in the line comes in. He’s frustrated at the industry because while he loves it, it’s also caused him a lot of pain. In the Zane Lowe interview, he says about the music industry “it loves you back when you’re doing well and if you’re not, you’re just out”. So the line “you know I love you babe” could also be from the perspective of the industry, reassuring Harry that they love him, when in reality they only love his success.

To receive that love from this industry, Harry has had to go through A LOT. Let’s start with the image he’s had to portray for the public.

From BHG: “one must project the intrigue of a bad boy without ever doing anything bad; you are an object, an image, onto which people project fantasies, not a person who actually does things, who gets messy.” This speaks for itself. He couldn’t be himself while in the band, rather had to put up a front in order to be appealing to the public. Because he was (and still is!) being treated like a commodity. The idea of him treated as a commodity also comes up in sushi. “If the stars were edible / And our hearts were never full / Could we live with just a taste”. We thought of stars in terms of celebrities (Harry himself has been called a global superstar), so this line is referring to the dehumanization of celebrities (him) and the constant need for MORE.

H is providing us with a lot of product: music, movies, cosmetics, fashion, etc. We see Harry Styles the brand so often that some forget he’s a real person. So people break boundaries like sexualizing him, harassing him in public, asking inappropriate questions, etc. “Our hearts were never full” is talking about the greed woven into consumerism. H is constantly under pressure to provide more - more content, more personal details. This can also refer to people who are profiting off H who keep asking more and more of him for the sake of profit. He brings up this concept relating to 1d in the ZL interview, mentioning the pressure of feeling like he had to provide updates on social media and that when people weren’t talking about him, it felt as though no one cared.

If you still doubt that H is under pressure to give MORE, let’s remember that after he blatantly said his sexuality is his own and he doesn’t want to label it for the public, many were asking him to come out or accusing him of queerbaiting. Another theme that’s brought up in this song/his interviews is that of control over his own music. Yes, Harry has written all of his own songs, but that doesn’t mean he’s had full freedom.

As we’ve touched on, musicians are regarded as a commodity, their value being their music. That musician is no longer valuable if their music doesn’t appeal ot the general public. “Music for whatever you want” could be alluding to this idea that [some of] his music has been catering to the GP. As could “music for a sushi restaurant”, since restaurants typically play mainstream music.

Alternatively, he could be talking about those on his team dictating what he can/can’t write about (*cough* stunt songs *cough*). The lyrics “blue bubblegum / twisted around your tongue” also could be referring to the pressure he’s put under to write bubblegum pop, music written to be mainstream and to SELL (look I love WS but it was written to be a hit).

And “twisted around your tongue” could either refer to the industry continuously pressuring him to write this type of music or to his words literally being twisted by the public.

In the BHG interview, he says “I've always made my worst, most generic work when I'm just desperate to get a single”, which goes along with the bubblegum lyric. However, he’s breaking the cycle with this album. Also in BHG, he said he’s not focused on getting hits with this album. He’s written the music he wanted to write, without caring about what the GP will think. When he sings “I’m not going to get lost / I’m not going to go broke”, he means he will not get lost in the industry. He won’t let it consume him and won’t get the GP’s opinions run his music and his life. As he said in the ZL interview, his job is not all he is. He has other hobbies, he has a family, he is a PERSON behind that music. So if his career ends, he will not “go broke” because he has so many other things enriching his life. The parallel, “I don’t want you to get lost / I don’t want you to go broke” could be saying he doesn’t want the industry to get lost in consumerism and continue to reinforce artists as a commodity, but he also doesn’t want it to “go broke”.

To change gears, let’s talk about the title. When you look up Harry and sushi, two stunts come up. Ham***e and Hay**r. So the specific name could be a reference to stunts. The first part of the song sounds like he’s describing a date. “Green eyes /Fried Rice/ I could cook an egg on you /Late night /Game time/ Coffee on the stove/ You’re sweet/ Ice cream /But you could use a flake or two”.

The “green eyes” line could be referring to OW or to CR. They’re going on these “dates” for the public, but he says “you could use a flake” which could be referring to him always “flaking” out on the dates (TS on the yacht alone? Him running away from OW at the wedding?). Stunts have been a huge part of his music career, so it would make sense for him to include them in a song that serves as commentary on the industry.

Lastly, we want to mention the screaming. When he talks about his tour being canceled because of COVID, he describes it as “suddenly the screaming stopped”. He describes his quarantine experience as an opportunity for self reflection and to feel at peace both with those he loves and by himself, all the noise of celebrity life quieted. The copious screaming in this song could symbolize this. The song actually ends on a scream and (small spoiler alert) this is the end of the album if you listen to it the way we think it was intended. He ends his album on this freeing scream, and suddenly, the screaming stops.

So to us this signals an end. It’s his last album under this contract and this could be him signaling to us that after this, he’s free. If the two album theory (which I ADORE) is true, that freedom is SOON.

ALSO saw someone point out the parallels of this photoshoot to HS1 and !!! it’s literally like he’s starting over, saying goodbye to the negatives of the industry, and now he can be FREE

(originally formatted for twitter but has been modified to be more tumblr friendly)

#harry styles #harrys house #music for a sushi restaurant #mfasr #analysis

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

Ralph hiii if you take random questions, I'd love to know what are your favourite podcasts or what do you often prefer listening to? I remember you once mentioning Bad Gays (I just started it and the discourses are so insightful!) also you mentioned once Table Manners and i found it very lovely and heartwarming Xx

I'm glad you enjoyed Bad Gays and Table Manners anon - it's so cool to hear that people found something they enjoyed because I mentioned it.

I think I've probably already mentioned most of the podcasts I listen to regularly. I do listen to Popcast all the time and love their discussions about Harry. I enjoyed the 1D episode of Pop Pantheon and have been meaning to listen to more. I also love Money 4 Nothing - while understanding it's an acquired taste. I imagine if anyone who read my tumblr listened to it they'd go 'I can see why this is Ralphcore'. It's two guys who are very invested in music, left-wing politics and the history of music, always saying things like 'well to really understand we have to go back to the sale of sheet music in the 1890s'. They're quite prone to contrarian takes, but I learn a lot. (Also in the music space I love

I don't like True Crime stories that focus on crime, but I am interested in miscarriages of justice and institutional failings. But I'm often disappointed in the execution. I actually just relistened to Undisclosed - the podcast dug really deep into the Adnan Syed case in the aftermath of serial (the one with three lawyers including Rabia Chaudry, not the one with one guy who was obsessed with an abstract idea of justice). I think Undisclosed's Freddie Gray season is also well worth listening to (but haven't found the other compelling. Another good example of this genre is the Village, the podcast about a serial killer in Montreal who targeted gay men horrifying and revealing (I hadn't finished and might go back and listen to more). If anyone has any recommendations along these lines - I'd love to hear them.

I think Ash Sarkar's Downstream episodes on Novara media are always worth listening to (I avoid Aaron Bastani) and will check in on Owen Jones when he's talking about something interesting or has a good guest. I will also listen to and regularly search for any podcast episode that Gary Younge appears in.

It will be no surprise to hear that I also listen to the Taskmaster podcast on the regular, and was deeply charmed by hearing all about Nell the toddler they had to engage in this week's episode.

#There have been others I've listened to over the years #but that's me at the moment

[louisloulouie]

This 1D anniversary is special for me because on July 23, 2012 I became a fan of One Direction. It’s kind of hard to believe that today marks 10 years for me. I have thought of this band every. Single. Day. For ten years. Holy shit.

I am not being overdramatic when I say they changed my life completely. They were exactly what I needed as a little 14 year old who didn’t want to live anymore. They came at the end of the worst school year of my life, in the middle of the worse year of my life.

While all the emo music I was listening to in my room made me cry, I saw people on my Facebook feed celebrating the 2 year anniversary of One Direction. And I had previously hated 1D just like every other contrarian at the time that wanted to put down pop music and boybands. But I had to admit I was curious on this day. So I went to YouTube and I listened to some of their music and I binged some funny moments videos. And I spent the rest of my summer happy more often than not. It didn’t fix things for me, but when I listened to 1D, it definitely helped.

Their first performance I watched on my tv was at the closing ceremony for the London Olympics a couple weeks after I started liking them. Take Me Home came out in November that year, with songs about unrequited love that helped me deal with falling in love with my straight best friend of eight years who cut ties with me after I told her. 1D Day in 2013 is probably the MOST fun I’ve ever had online and among so many friends. In 2014 they released my favorite song of all time Fireproof on my birthday. In 2015 I got to go to my first and only 1D concert the same week of my birthday, their final North American show in Boston. It felt really special. I have never been happier with any music than I have been with One Direction music.

And I’ve made some amazing friends because of this band. This whole blog used to be dedicated to them and I can say with absolute certainty that the mutuals and followers I have here are the reason I come back online every day. If we have ever messaged each other, talked in the tags, replied on posts, anything, then I truly consider you a fantastic friend. I’ve had friends deactive and I haven’t talked to them since, but I still remember their names and our conversations even if it’s been years and years. With this blog I’ve spread to other fandoms and made even more incredible friends. The people made this just as incredible an experience as the band did.

I am just so grateful I gave them a chance and went to YouTube that day. One Direction is truly the reason I am who I am today. And I’m happy to be alive today and I owe a lot of that to them. I don’t know if I would have still been alive at the end of summer 2012 if it wasn’t for discovering this upbeat happy music that made me want to be happy.

I didn’t think I was gonna make such a long post but damn I love to talk on here so it’s no surprise. I’m just an emotional wreck over the one band that completely turned my life around. There’s so many other ways 1D changed my life, like how I interacted with my family, the way I dressed, my music taste, but they’ve been in my life for 10 years; the ways they’ve changed my life are endless. I just love One Direction so much and I needed to vent a little bit today now that I’ve had them for 10 years.

#I don’t expect anyone to read this I just needed to vent 😌😌 #but still #imma be real I cried writing this #i still remember that day 10 years ago and fuck I just really really really miss them so much #also my mom just walked into my room and saw my nose was all red #but luckily I’m sick this week so she thinks it’s just from that lol #(also as I’ve said before I would give up all their solo careers to have the band back again #because controversial opinion but their solo careers aren’t as good as 1d music #i was gonna say except maybe niall but no not even him sorry)

[burningthetree]

For the Writers Ask Game! I want to hear the answer to so many! Feel free to ignore some of them :) 13, 14, 17, 18, 19, 20 :)

Ahhh I love you, thank you for your interest <3 I rambled a lot and this got so long lmao so it's all under the cut! I couldn't ignore one because you know I love talking lmao

13. What feedback did you receive for your writing that stuck with you?

A classmate at uni read an essay I wrote for one of my classes (I almost failed that class because my professor failed said essay LMAO) and she told me that I should submit my writing to a magazine because my prose was good. My professor also called my prose 'impressive' so that was a huge compliment and I choose to focus on that now lmao.

Something else I often think about is how one of my classmates in high school worked at a radio station and asked me to join him for a discussion on writing. I had to prepare a short excerpt and read it out loud on the radio which was horrible because it almost made me cry because I was terrified LMAO but then it ended up more than fine, and some friends who listened to the program actually reached out to me and told me that they liked my writing – I know this feedback is really simple but I was 14 years old (same age as when I wrote that horrible 1D fic LOL) and it meant the world to me (and the overall experience did, too. Still does.)

Another one: when people told me my writing made them cry. Because it's like, I made you feel things? I caused emotions? What is this wizardry? The made-up story made people tear up? Wild.

Okay lol last one: A friend at uni asked if he could read my fanfiction lmfao and I was so self-conscious about it but I shared it with him anyway, and he texted me as he was reading it and he also gave me feedback in person. It was nothing specific, but just receiving thoughts from someone I know IRL and who enjoyed what I wrote (though he only read four chapters because it was too much lmao and he knew nothing about the fandom) meant SO much to me. Also he appreciated my jokes, and that always gives me a boost in self-confidence. We ended up joking about some aspects, which was also great – it taught me not to always take things to seriously! (And yet here I am overanalysing this lol)

14. What is something that you feel weird/uncomfortable writing about?

Easy. Physical intimacy. Lol. And I don't mean hugging and cuddling and snuggling, because that is more than fine, but as soon as it gets to a further level, I just can't do it. I feel so weird and extremely uncomfortable when trying to write it (and I have tried!) and it just feels so wrong lmao. I know why it's not for me, and I've accepted that it's too hard, I'm too self-conscious, and I admire everyone who has ever written it.

17. Tell us a fun fact about your current WIP.

I have two WIPs so I'll give you two fun facts that might not be 'fun' but it's all I can come up with. Fun fact 1 is that I thought I wouldn't have to do research, but it turns out that I don't know enough English terminology in music that I have to look it up all the time LOL

Fun fact 2 is that I am FINALLY embracing a hyperfixation I have had for three years now so I'm combining that with my other hyperfixation because why not. Pretty sure you can guess at least one of them, but it is amazing to finally write this after thinking about it for so long.

18. Show us a piece of dialogue you really like.

This dialogue is really short and all and it probably makes no sense outside of context but I thought it was super cute when I wrote it and you even pointed it out, so this is it!

"Practise your 'b', Keiji." "Bo." "Yeah?" "I'm p-practising."

19. Show us the line you want readers to remember from your story.

This is so hard. I don't know if I've written any memorable lines LOL uhm. Oh. Maybe the simple "I want to play volleyball." It makes no sense out of context, but in the context of the story, it means a whole lot and I always love to remember last lines in books that I read, so I tried to close my story with a meaningful line as well to round off the entire plot in a way that is satisfying for both me and hopefully the reader lol.

20. Do you have one piece of advice for your fellow writers?

Last year, I was at a workshop where an author (her name is Denise Mina) talked about her writing and gave tips on (crime) writing, and she said this: "If you can tell a story, you can write a story – you just have to write one sentence after the other." That kind of stuck with me, because it's true – so every time I have writer's block and feel like a failure, I try to remind myself of this and, although it doesn't always work, it sometimes does!

Another piece of advice is to write without being afraid of judgment, because there will always be people who judge you, no matter what you do and how you do things. Even authors who have won awards still receive criticism in many ways, and what one person likes isn't what another person likes. What I'm trying to say is that, when writing, you should always aim for what you enjoy, and not think about what others enjoy. That helps me to find actual enjoyment in the writing process, instead of constantly worrying about what other people might think. As long as I'm happy with my writing and my progress, then I've achieved my goal! (This is easier said than done and I'm still mortally afraid of people judging me LOL but it's a good reminder!)

#cat #this really got so long lmao i'm sorry #but i love you for making me talk about my writing #julie is writing #or at least pretending by talking about it

[tlkmh]

Apobangpo: My personal experience being in the BTS fandom.

From taking over the world with their music and charm to paving the road for the future generation of K-pop groups, it is no doubt that BTS (Bangtan Sonyeondan) deserve every success and achievement for their amazing artistry. But, behind the scenes, the 7 boys never fail to mention their most loyal fandom, ARMY, for making their dreams come true. Though the fandom might seem overprotective and at times, seen as merciless, they are certain people in the community who are just as nice as every other people. For this blog post, I will be telling my personal experience being in the BTS fandom.

Like many other K-pop acts, big or small, having a fandom, especially those who are loyal and supportive, is what enables a person or a group to be successful. The majority of the people are enthusiasts of something or someone (Gray et al,. 2007).

Before BTS, I was already an avid fan of K-pop, mainly Super Junior, Girls Generation, you name it. However, once I got into high school, my interest in K-pop kind of shifted towards American pop until, in 2017, my friend, who was already an ARMY, managed to persuade me to listen to one of their latest tracks titled ‘Serendipity’. Needless to say, I became an ARMY from that day onwards. K-pop groups are known to have lots of members, so it took me a while to get to know all 7 seven members because back then, they all looked pretty much similar to me, but I eventually got the hang of it. My existing fan account on X was initially a Harry Styles fan account (I was a die-hard 1D fan once), then it became a Marvel fan account, and finally, to this day, my account is maintained as a BTS fan account.

It wasn’t hard finding other mutuals who are into BTS all thanks to my friend. I have made several friends during my days of being in the BTS fandom. People from all over the world, but mainly SEA countries. We would often share our likes and dislikes, favourite pictures of every BTS members, links to watch BTS’ videos and among other stuff. I remember back then, BigHit (now: HYBE) used to release teasers at 12 AM and most of my close mutuals and I would stay up late, waiting. There were times when we least expected it but that’s where it makes the experience fun. You would see the timeline being bombarded with screenshots of the teasers, every army posting about them losing their minds over the visuals, snippets of the songs etc etc.

Despite my wonderful experience, there were also some instances where I question myself if I resonate myself with this community. BTS went from being an underdog in the K-pop industry to being one of the most famous Korean acts to sweep the charts, outsold multiple stadiums and garnering millions upon millions of views on their music videos. So, it was understandable that ARMY wanted the boys to win every award or at the very least, a nomination. I, of course, second on this but when it comes to voting for the award ceremony or music programs and mass streaming newly released music videos/songs, it quickly turn from just being a fun little hobby to a more of a chore. By that I mean, if you weren’t sharing hashtags or streaming, you’re automatically labelled as useless. There were countless of army telling each other to stream, vote and post with the hashtags without realising that we’re still people, with responsibility and a life outside the fandom sphere. These army would resort to guilt-tripping you to the max if you weren’t doing as what you were told. Not to mentioned, there were also some posts where they would list down ARMY accounts who aren’t streaming and/or voting. It was that serious.

Eventually as time moves forward, streaming and voting weren’t viewed as a very serious matter, considering how a lot of the ARMY has matured and most of them have got into universities, jobs and even some got married. So, being in the fandom became like a hobby again.

I really cherish my time being in the fandom, although I am now just a casual fan, who sometimes check on the boys from time to time, listen to their new songs and congratulate them on their achievements. I don’t regret any of it because I met wonderful people and made some connections outside of X. The boys will always have a special place in my heart, considering how their music really helped me a lot during my tough times. Those who are not a fan of BTS, I would really recommend listening to their songs, you don’t have to be in the fandom to do so but not going to lie, some people who said they were just there to listen to the music, in the end, ended up being an ARMY.

Reference

Fernandez, C. (2020). Here’s a look at the enormous stadiums BTS was able to sell out. Retrieved from https://www.koreaboo.com/lists/large-concert-stadiums-bts-able-sell/

Gray, J ., Sandvoss, C. & Harrington, C.L. (2007) “Introduction” in Fandom: Identities and Communities in a Mediated World, NYU Press, New York, pp. 1-16

#week 9 #mda20009 #bts army #bts

[seasurfacefullofclouds1]

We have spoken about it lots of times before but is it even really an achievement for Harry if he puts out a song and it is a hit. No matter how bad the song is, no matter how bad his album is, it’s going to be a hit. It will be played a million times on radio and will be on top of any playlist imaginable. Not because it’s good, only because it’s released by Sony Columbia under his name. His last album was so bad that his own fans were calling it a spoof album when it was leaked. That it couldn’t be the real album he was putting out. Then when it became official it was treated as Jesus’ second coming.

Yes, Louis has to swim against the tide but at least that will keep him motivated to put out music he really feels like creating, that he really feels like putting out. He doesn’t atleast have to sing songs about women’s vaginas while also pretending to be gay in front of a brain dead audience.

Louis has this freedom, which he’s talked about at concerts. His audience allows him the breadth of exploration and experimentation to keep his musical mind sharp, and to keep making music that both he and fans will like. He’s a musician making music, not the latest trend wagging the “musician” as we so often hear on the radio.

The other day I heard a song from Harry’s House for the first time (something cinema), and tbh I didn’t recognize that it was Harry until almost the end of the song. On first listen, it wasn’t bad or good. The song was like any background music that someone uses to promote an IG reel or TikTok makeup tutorial: a generic, inoffensive copy of an idea someone had decades ago, with a hook that repeats ad nauseum.

To be fair, pop music isn’t the Mona Lisa and most of it is generic and derivative. Art is hard. Originality is hard. Beauty is subjective and almost impossible to do commercially.

The Grammy has become an award given by industry to reward its pet projects. The votes are meaningless. There is no integrity. The same goes for the Brits, MTV EMA, and every major music award.

Still, there is a difference between a musician whose primary focus is music, and someone who is simply a celebrity. People might gossip about the Beatles fallout, but there is never any question that the Beatles signature will always be music-> not nail polish, not costumes, not romances, not perfumes.

Taylor Swift is a mega-celebrity, but decades later, she will be known for her songs and her discography.

Elvis and Michael Jackson are modern pop culture myths, but they are remembered for their songs and performances.

No one cares that Beyoncé has never won AOTY. She has made her mark in music history. These milestones have become so corrupted that they became meaningless.

The reason is because music still has meaning for ordinary people. Heartbreak, compassion, grief, and solace are, and always will be, part of the human experience.

Louis isn’t there yet in terms of establishing his discography, but he has a good chance and he’s on the right path. Of course there are no guarantees that his future work will be good, but a promising sign is that Walls was already better than anything from 1D, and FITF was a huge leap ahead still. The best songs came from not mimicking a specific genre or artist but creating something new — Copy Of A Copy Of A Copy or Written All Over Your Face would be prime examples.

#louis tomlinson

[kingstylesdaily]

Playtime With Harry Styles

via vogue.com

THE MEN’S BATHING POND in London’s Hampstead Heath at daybreak on a gloomy September morning seemed such an unlikely locale for my first meeting with Harry Styles, music’s legendarily charm-heavy style czar, that I wondered perhaps if something had been lost in translation.

But then there is Styles, cheerily gung ho, hidden behind a festive yellow bandana mask and a sweatshirt of his own design, surprisingly printed with three portraits of his intellectual pinup, the author Alain de Botton. “I love his writing,” says Styles. “I just think he’s brilliant. I saw him give a talk about the keys to happiness, and how one of the keys is living among friends, and how real friendship stems from being vulnerable with someone.”

In turn, de Botton’s 2016 novel The Course of Love taught Styles that “when it comes to relationships, you just expect yourself to be good at it…[but] being in a real relationship with someone is a skill,” one that Styles himself has often had to hone in the unforgiving klieg light of public attention, and in the company of such high-profile paramours as Taylor Swift and—well, Styles is too much of a gentleman to name names.

That sweatshirt and the Columbia Records tracksuit bottoms are removed in the quaint wooden open-air changing room, with its Swallows and Amazons vibe. A handful of intrepid fellow patrons in various states of undress are blissfully unaware of the 26-year-old supernova in their midst, although I must admit I’m finding it rather difficult to take my eyes off him, try as I might. Styles has been on a six-day juice cleanse in readiness for Vogue’s photographer Tyler Mitchell. He practices Pilates (“I’ve got very tight hamstrings—trying to get those open”) and meditates twice a day. “It has changed my life,” he avers, “but it’s so subtle. It’s helped me just be more present. I feel like I’m able to enjoy the things that are happening right in front of me, even if it’s food or it’s coffee or it’s being with a friend—or a swim in a really cold pond!” Styles also feels that his meditation practices have helped him through the tumult of 2020: “Meditation just brings a stillness that has been really beneficial, I think, for my mental health.”

Styles has been a pescatarian for three years, inspired by the vegan food that several members of his current band prepared on tour. “My body definitely feels better for it,” he says. His shapely torso is prettily inscribed with the tattoos of a Victorian sailor—a rose, a galleon, a mermaid, an anchor, and a palm tree among them, and, straddling his clavicle, the dates 1967 and 1957 (the respective birth years of his mother and father). Frankly, I rather wish I’d packed a beach muumuu.

We take the piratical gangplank that juts into the water and dive in. Let me tell you, this is not the Aegean. The glacial water is a cloudy phlegm green beneath the surface, and clammy reeds slap one’s ankles. Styles, who admits he will try any fad, has recently had a couple of cryotherapy sessions and is evidently less susceptible to the cold. By the time we have swum a full circuit, however, body temperatures have adjusted, and the ice, you might say, has been broken. Duly invigorated, we are ready to face the day. Styles has thoughtfully brought a canister of coffee and some bottles of water in his backpack, and we sit at either end of a park bench for a socially distanced chat.

It seems that he has had a productive year. At the onset of lockdown, Styles found himself in his second home, in the canyons of Los Angeles. After a few days on his own, however, he moved in with a pod of three friends (and subsequently with two band members, Mitch Rowland and Sarah Jones). They “would put names in a hat and plan the week out,” Styles explains. “If you were Monday, you would choose the movie, dinner, and the activity for that day. I like to make soups, and there was a big array of movies; we went all over the board,” from Goodfellas to Clueless. The experience, says Styles, “has been a really good lesson in what makes me happy now. It’s such a good example of living in the moment. I honestly just like being around my friends,” he adds. “That’s been my biggest takeaway. Just being on my own the whole time, I would have been miserable.”

Styles is big on friendship groups and considers his former and legendarily hysteria-inducing boy band, One Direction, to have been one of them. “I think the typical thing is to come out of a band like that and almost feel like you have to apologize for being in it,” says Styles. “But I loved my time in it. It was all new to me, and I was trying to learn as much as I could. I wanted to soak it in…. I think that’s probably why I like traveling now—soaking stuff up.” In a post-COVID future, he is contemplating a temporary move to Tokyo, explaining that “there’s a respect and a stillness, a quietness that I really loved every time I’ve been there.”

In 1D, Styles was making music whenever he could. “After a show you’d go in a hotel room and put down some vocals,” he recalls. As a result, his first solo album, 2017’s Harry Styles, “was when I really fell in love with being in the studio,” he says. “I loved it as much as touring.” Today he favors isolating with his core group of collaborators, “our little bubble”—Rowland, Kid Harpoon (né Tom Hull), and Tyler Johnson. “A safe space,” as he describes it.

In the music he has been working on in 2020, Styles wants to capture the experimental spirit that informed his second album, last year’s Fine Line. With his debut album, “I was very much finding out what my sound was as a solo artist,” he says. “I can see all the places where it almost felt like I was bowling with the bumpers up. I think with the second album I let go of the fear of getting it wrong and…it was really joyous and really free. I think with music it’s so important to evolve—and that extends to clothes and videos and all that stuff. That’s why you look back at David Bowie with Ziggy Stardust or the Beatles and their different eras—that fearlessness is super inspiring.”

The seismic changes of 2020—including the Black Lives Matter uprising around racial justice—has also provided Styles with an opportunity for personal growth. “I think it’s a time for opening up and learning and listening,” he says. “I’ve been trying to read and educate myself so that in 20 years I’m still doing the right things and taking the right steps. I believe in karma, and I think it’s just a time right now where we could use a little more kindness and empathy and patience with people, be a little more prepared to listen and grow.”

Meanwhile, Styles’s euphoric single “Watermelon Sugar” became something of an escapist anthem for this dystopian summer of 2020. The video, featuring Styles (dressed in ’70s-­flavored Gucci and Bode) cavorting with a pack of beach-babe girls and boys, was shot in January, before lockdown rules came into play. By the time it was ready to be released in May, a poignant epigraph had been added: “This video is dedicated to touching.”

Styles is looking forward to touring again, when “it’s safe for everyone,” because, as he notes, “being up against people is part of the whole thing. You can’t really re-create it in any way.” But it hasn’t always been so. Early in his career, Styles was so stricken with stage fright that he regularly threw up preperformance. “I just always thought I was going to mess up or something,” he remembers. “But I’ve felt really lucky to have a group of incredibly generous fans. They’re generous emotionally—and when they come to the show, they give so much that it creates this atmosphere that I’ve always found so loving and accepting.”

THIS SUMMER, when it was safe enough to travel, Styles returned to his London home, which is where he suggests we head now, setting off in his modish Primrose Yellow ’73 Jaguar that smells of gasoline and leatherette. “Me and my dad have always bonded over cars,” Styles explains. “I never thought I’d be someone who just went out for a leisurely drive, purely for enjoyment.” On sleepless jet-lagged nights he’ll drive through London’s quiet streets, seeing neighborhoods in a new way. “I find it quite relaxing,” he says.

Over the summer Styles took a road trip with his artist friend Tomo Campbell through France and Italy, setting off at four in the morning and spending the night in Geneva, where they jumped in the lake “to wake ourselves up.” (I see a pattern emerging.) At the end of the trip Styles drove home alone, accompanied by an upbeat playlist that included “Aretha Franklin, Parliament, and a lot of Stevie Wonder. It was really fun for me,” he says. “I don’t travel like that a lot. I’m usually in such a rush, but there was a stillness to it. I love the feeling of nobody knowing where I am, that kind of escape...and freedom.”

GROWING UP in a village in the North of England, Styles thought of London as a world apart: “It truly felt like a different country.” At a wide-eyed 16, he came down to the teeming metropolis after his mother entered him on the U.K. talent-search show The X Factor. “I went to the audition to find out if I could sing,” Styles recalls, “or if my mum was just being nice to me.” Styles was eliminated but subsequently brought back with other contestants—Niall Horan, Liam Payne, Louis Tomlinson, and Zayn Malik—to form a boy band that was named (on Styles’s suggestion) One Direction. The wily X Factor creator and judge, Simon Cowell, soon signed them to his label Syco Records, and the rest is history: 1D’s first four albums, supported by four world tours from 2011 to 2015, debuted at number one on the U.S. Billboard charts, and the band has sold 70 million records to date. At 18, Styles bought the London house he now calls home. “I was going to do two weeks’ work to it,” he remembers, “but when I came back there was no second floor,” so he moved in with adult friends who lived nearby till the renovation was complete. “Eighteen months,” he deadpans. “I’ve always seen that period as pretty pivotal for me, as there’s that moment at the party where it’s getting late, and half of the people would go upstairs to do drugs, and the other people go home. I was like, ‘I don’t really know this friend’s wife, so I’m not going to get all messy and then go home.’ I had to behave a bit, at a time where everything else about my life felt I didn’t have to behave really. I’ve been lucky to always feel I have this family unit somewhere.”

When Styles’s London renovation was finally done, “I went in for the first time and I cried,” he recalls. “Because I just felt like I had somewhere. L.A. feels like holiday, but this feels like home.”

Behind its pink door, Styles’s house has all the trappings of rock stardom—there’s a man cave filled with guitars, a Sex Pistols Never Mind the Bollocks poster (a moving-in gift from his decorator), a Stevie Nicks album cover. Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams” was one of the first songs he knew the words to—“My parents were big fans”—and he and Nicks have formed something of a mutual-admiration society. At the beginning of lockdown, Nicks tweeted to her fans that she was taking inspiration from Fine Line: “Way to go, H,” she wrote. “It is your Rumours.” “She’s always there for you,” said Styles when he inducted Nicks into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2019. “She knows what you need—advice, a little wisdom, a blouse, a shawl; she’s got you covered.”

Styles makes us some tea in the light-filled kitchen and then wanders into the convivial living room, where he strikes an insouciant pose on the chesterfield sofa, upholstered in a turquoise velvet that perhaps not entirely coincidentally sets off his eyes. Styles admits that his lockdown lewk was “sweatpants, constantly,” and he is relishing the opportunity to dress up again. He doesn’t have to wait long: The following day, under the eaves of a Victorian mansion in Notting Hill, I arrive in the middle of fittings for Vogue’s shoot and discover Styles in his Y-fronts, patiently waiting to try on looks for fashion editor Camilla Nickerson and photographer Tyler Mitchell. Styles’s personal stylist, Harry Lambert, wearing a pearl necklace and his nails colored in various shades of green varnish, à la Sally Bowles, is providing helpful backup (Britain’s Rule of Six hasn’t yet been imposed).

Styles, who has thoughtfully brought me a copy of de Botton’s 2006 book The Architecture of Happiness, is instinctively and almost quaintly polite, in an old-fashioned, holding-open-doors and not-mentioning-lovers-by-name sort of way. He is astounded to discover that the Atlanta-born Mitchell has yet to experience a traditional British Sunday roast dinner. Assuring him that “it’s basically like Thanksgiving every Sunday,” Styles gives Mitchell the details of his favorite London restaurants in which to enjoy one. “It’s a good thing to be nice,” Mitchell tells me after a morning in Styles’s company.

MITCHELL has Lionel Wendt’s languorously homoerotic 1930s portraits of young Sri Lankan men on his mood board. Nickerson is thinking of Irving Penn’s legendary fall 1950 Paris haute couture collections sitting, where he photographed midcentury supermodels, including his wife, Lisa Fonssagrives, in high-style Dior and Balenciaga creations. Styles is up for all of it, and so, it would seem, is the menswear landscape of 2020: Jonathan Anderson has produced a trapeze coat anchored with a chunky gold martingale; John Galliano at Maison Margiela has fashioned a khaki trench with a portrait neckline in layers of colored tulle; and Harris Reed—a Saint Martins fashion student sleuthed by Lambert who ended up making some looks for Styles’s last tour—has spent a week making a broad-shouldered Smoking jacket with high-waisted, wide-leg pants that have become a Styles signature since he posed for Tim Walker for the cover of Fine Line wearing a Gucci pair—a silhouette that was repeated in the tour wardrobe. (“I liked the idea of having that uniform,” says Styles.) Reed’s version is worn with a hoopskirt draped in festoons of hot-pink satin that somehow suggests Deborah Kerr asking Yul Brynner’s King of Siam, “Shall we dance?”

Styles introduces me to the writer and eyewear designer Gemma Styles, “my sister from the same womb,” he says. She is also here for the fitting: The siblings plan to surprise their mother with the double portrait on these pages.

I ask her whether her brother had always been interested in clothes.

“My mum loved to dress us up,” she remembers. “I always hated it, and Harry was always quite into it. She did some really elaborate papier-mâché outfits: She made a giant mug and then painted an atlas on it, and that was Harry being ‘The World Cup.’ Harry also had a little dalmatian-dog outfit,” she adds, “a hand-me-down from our closest family friends. He would just spend an inordinate amount of time wearing that outfit. But then Mum dressed me up as Cruella de Vil. She was always looking for any opportunity!”

“As a kid I definitely liked fancy dress,” Styles says. There were school plays, the first of which cast him as Barney, a church mouse. “I was really young, and I wore tights for that,” he recalls. “I remember it was crazy to me that I was wearing a pair of tights. And that was maybe where it all kicked off!”

Acting has also remained a fundamental form of expression for Styles. His sister recalls that even on the eve of his life-changing X Factor audition, Styles could sing in public only in an assumed voice. “He used to do quite a good sort of Elvis warble,” she remembers. During the rehearsals in the family home, “he would sing in the bathroom because if it was him singing as himself, he just couldn’t have anyone looking at him! I love his voice now,” she adds. “I’m so glad that he makes music that I actually enjoy listening to.”

Styles’s role-playing continued soon after 1D went on permanent hiatus in 2016, and he was cast in Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk, beating out dozens of professional actors for the role. “The good part was my character was a young soldier who didn’t really know what he was doing,” says Styles modestly. “The scale of the movie was so big that I was a tiny piece of the puzzle. It was definitely humbling. I just loved being outside of my comfort zone.”

His performance caught the eye of Olivia Wilde, who remembers that it “blew me away—the openness and commitment.” In turn, Styles loved Wilde’s directorial debut, Booksmart, and is “very honored” that she cast him in a leading role for her second feature, a thriller titled Don’t Worry Darling, which went into production this fall. Styles will play the husband to Florence Pugh in what Styles describes as “a 1950s utopia in the California desert.”

Wilde’s movie is costumed by Academy Award nominee Arianne Phillips. “She and I did a little victory dance when we heard that we officially had Harry in the film,” notes Wilde, “because we knew that he has a real appreciation for fashion and style. And this movie is incredibly stylistic. It’s very heightened and opulent, and I’m really grateful that he is so enthusiastic about that element of the process—some actors just don’t care.”

“I like playing dress-up in general,” Styles concurs, in a masterpiece of understatement: This is the man, after all, who cohosted the Met’s 2019 “Notes on Camp” gala attired in a nipple-freeing black organza blouse with a lace jabot, and pants so high-waisted that they cupped his pectorals. The ensemble, accessorized with the pearl-drop earring of a dandified Elizabethan courtier, was created for Styles by Gucci’s Alessandro Michele, whom he befriended in 2014. Styles, who has subsequently personified the brand as the face of the Gucci fragrance, finds Michele “fearless with his work and his imagination. It’s really inspiring to be around someone who works like that.”

The two first met in London over a cappuccino. “It was just a kind of PR appointment,” says Michele, “but something magical happened, and Harry is now a friend. He has the aura of an English rock-and-roll star—like a young Greek god with the attitude of James Dean and a little bit of Mick Jagger—but no one is sweeter. He is the image of a new era, of the way that a man can look.”

Styles credits his style trans­formation—from Jack Wills tracksuit-clad boy-band heartthrob to nonpareil fashionisto—to his meeting the droll young stylist Harry Lambert seven years ago. They hit it off at once and have conspired ever since, enjoying a playfully campy rapport and calling each other Sue and Susan as they parse the niceties of the scarlet lace Gucci man-bra that Michele has made for Vogue’s shoot, for instance, or a pair of Bode pants hand-painted with biographical images (Styles sent Emily Adams Bode images of his family, and a photograph he had found of David Hockney and Joni Mitchell. “The idea of those two being friends, to me, was really beautiful,” Styles explains).

“He just has fun with clothing, and that’s kind of where I’ve got it from,” says Styles of Lambert. “He doesn’t take it too seriously, which means I don’t take it too seriously.” The process has been evolutionary. At his first meeting with Lambert, the stylist proposed “a pair of flares, and I was like, ‘Flares? That’s fucking crazy,’  ” Styles remembers. Now he declares that “you can never be overdressed. There’s no such thing. The people that I looked up to in music—Prince and David Bowie and Elvis and Freddie Mercury and Elton John—they’re such showmen. As a kid it was completely mind-blowing. Now I’ll put on something that feels really flamboyant, and I don’t feel crazy wearing it. I think if you get something that you feel amazing in, it’s like a superhero outfit. Clothes are there to have fun with and experiment with and play with. What’s really exciting is that all of these lines are just kind of crumbling away. When you take away ‘There’s clothes for men and there’s clothes for women,’ once you remove any barriers, obviously you open up the arena in which you can play. I’ll go in shops sometimes, and I just find myself looking at the women’s clothes thinking they’re amazing. It’s like anything—anytime you’re putting barriers up in your own life, you’re just limiting yourself. There’s so much joy to be had in playing with clothes. I’ve never really thought too much about what it means—it just becomes this extended part of creating something.”

“He’s up for it,” confirms Lambert, who earlier this year, for instance, found a JW Anderson cardigan with the look of a Rubik’s Cube (“on sale at matches.com!”). Styles wore it, accessorized with his own pearl necklace, for a Today rehearsal in February and it went viral: His fans were soon knitting their own versions and posting the results on TikTok. Jonathan Anderson declared himself “so impressed and incredibly humbled by this trend” that he nimbly made the pattern available (complete with a YouTube tutorial) so that Styles’s fans could copy it for free. Meanwhile, London’s storied Victoria & Albert Museum has requested Styles’s original: an emblematic document of how people got creative during the COVID era. “It’s going to be in their permanent collection,” says Lambert exultantly. “Is that not sick? Is that not the most epic thing?”

“To me, he’s very modern,” says Wilde of Styles, “and I hope that this brand of confidence as a male that Harry has—truly devoid of any traces of toxic masculinity—is indicative of his generation and therefore the future of the world. I think he is in many ways championing that, spearheading that. It’s pretty powerful and kind of extraordinary to see someone in his position redefining what it can mean to be a man with confidence.”

“He’s really in touch with his feminine side because it’s something natural,” notes Michele. “And he’s a big inspiration to a younger generation—about how you can be in a totally free playground when you feel comfortable. I think that he’s a revolutionary.”

STYLES’S confidence is on full display the day after the fitting, which finds us all on the beautiful Sussex dales. Over the summit of the hill, with its trees blown horizontal by the fierce winds, lies the English Channel. Even though it’s a two-hour drive from London, the fresh-faced Styles, who went to bed at 9 p.m., has arrived on set early: He is famously early for everything. The team is installed in a traditional flint-stone barn. The giant doors have been replaced by glass and frame a bucolic view of distant grazing sheep. “Look at that field!” says Styles. “How lucky are we? This is our office! Smell the roses!” Lambert starts to sing “Kumbaya, my Lord.”

Hairdresser Malcolm Edwards is setting Styles’s hair in a Victory roll with silver clips, and until it is combed out he resembles Kathryn Grayson with stubble. His fingers are freighted with rings, and “he has a new army of mini purses,” says Lambert, gesturing to an accessory table heaving with examples including a mini sky-blue Gucci Diana bag discreetly monogrammed HS. Michele has also made Styles a dress for the shoot that Tissot might have liked to paint—acres of ice-blue ruffles, black Valenciennes lace, and suivez-moi, jeune homme ribbons. Erelong, Styles is gamely racing up a hill in it, dodging sheep scat, thistles, and shards of chalk, and striking a pose for Mitchell that manages to make ruffles a compelling new masculine proposition, just as Mr. Fish’s frothy white cotton dress—equal parts Romantic poet and Greek presidential guard—did for Mick Jagger when he wore it for The Rolling Stones’ free performance in Hyde Park in 1969, or as the suburban-mom floral housedress did for Kurt Cobain as he defined the iconoclastic grunge aesthetic. Styles is mischievously singing ABBA’s “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)” to himself when Mitchell calls him outside to jump up and down on a trampoline in a Comme des Garçons buttoned wool kilt. “How did it look?” asks his sister when he comes in from the cold. “Divine,” says her brother in playful Lambert-speak.

As the wide sky is washed in pink, orange, and gray, like a Turner sunset, and Mitchell calls it a successful day, Styles is playing “Cherry” from Fine Line on his Fender acoustic on the hilltop. “He does his own stunts,” says his sister, laughing. The impromptu set is greeted with applause. “Thank you, Antwerp!” says Styles playfully, bowing to the crowd. “Thank you, fashion!”

[ahundredtimesover]

He’s Leaving (FNTO 2)

They weren’t kidding when they said everything you touch turns into a mess.

Pairing: Jungkook x (f.) Reader

Genre/Tags: strangers to friends to lovers, popstar/idol!jk, fluff, angst, future smut; this is a dialogue-heavy series so read if you’re into that! JK’s angry in this one 

Warnings: foul language, these characters talk alot bc I talk alot, eventual smut

Word count: ~12,000

Series summary: You meet pop star/idol Jeon Jungkook at the cafe, you get close, and as Hyejin says, you’re like friends with benefits without the sex. But you’re bad at feelings and so is he.

series masterlist

A/N: This takes place 7 months after that night Y/N’s ex shows up! Italicized parts refer to past events. And since I’d mentioned this was initially for Harry, I remember now that Home by 1D was my mood for this, so listen to it as soundtrack (getting emotional while listening to it & thinking about how this ends)!   

#

He’s leaving. 

You stare blankly at the wall dividing your living room and bedroom and say the words once more, in your head and then out of your mouth.  

He’s leaving. 

You say it over and over again, alternating between question and statement. 

Jungkook’s leaving. 

“Yes, Y/N, that’s what I just said.” Jimin mutters over the phone.

“But why? I mean, since when does he leave ahead of all of you guys?”

“He decided to schedule a meeting with one of the producers he’s working with for his mixtape. It isn’t with your cousin, though, otherwise Jieun would’ve told you,” Jimin responds.

It’s the first week of August and the first show of the next leg of their world tour isn’t until a week from now, but Jungkook’s already headed to L.A. and he didn't even tell you about it. In fact, he hasn't said a word to you in the last five days, which is oddly surprising. 

“He hasn't spoken to you?” Jimin asks, picking up on your thoughts. Perhaps your silence gave away the frustration you were feeling. 

“Nope,” you reply, the sadness in your voice unmistakable. 

“I hope you don't think I’m one of those people who’s gotten so attached to him that being ignored for five days feels like the end of the world… because it really isn’t. I’m just worried and confused,” you continue. 

You aren’t blind. Jungkook’s surrounded by women, some vying for his attention, some wanting it back. They’d act out either way, displeasing him although he’d never say it out loud, but you were pretty sure you weren’t one of them. Right?

“Hey, of course not! As both of your friends, even I’m surprised. You two are like, inseparable, long-distance buddies,” he claims. “But to tell you the truth, I have no idea what’s going on either. Are you sure you didn't fight for real this time?” 

No real fights, you say. Your arguments about who has better smelling detergent or your choice of movie to watch or him stealing your oversized sweatshirts were as far as you two went. You often had serious talks, but when you didn't see eye to eye, you always just agreed to disagree, and then it was back to petty fights and annoying each other like little kids again. 

“I’ve to head out now, Y/N. I’m sorry I couldn't help, but I hope you two patch things up! Just call if you need anything,” Jimin says after a few more back and forth of questions and answers about how the past week or so has been, just to pick up on any clues as to why things just suddenly came to a halt. You put your phone away and sit on the couch.

A few months ago, it probably wouldn't have mattered if he didn't text or call for a day or a week. You couldn't even truly come to terms with the fact that you’ve become good friends with Jeon Jungkook, the ‘golden maknae’ and self-proclaimed international playboy of the biggest band in the world who has the unenviable position of being half the female population’s (and a good fraction of the male’s as well) dream everything. 

It amazed you how this oversized-clothes wearing boy with a bunny smile and doe eyes and who liked to talk to insects and impersonate chickens and act out Ironman fight scenes could arouse the sexual musings of individuals of all genders and ages. But then again, he does have that mellifluous voice and has this tendency to hump the air and dance wildly enough to reveal his abs, so you do understand the collective reaction.

For a high profile celebrity like him, it seems natural to be drawn to people from the same industry, for romance purposes or otherwise. Much of it has to do with the fact that they get the lifestyle, as his other band mates have shared, some of whom having dated fellow pop stars and models. But you aren’t from the same circle, or clique, or planet. While you’re your university’s star athlete, volleyball isn’t religion here, so there isn’t any “lifestyle change” of some sort. 

Before Jungkook, your only window to celebrity life was through Jieun, your LA-based music producer of a cousin. Yet, you’ve always been wary of the spotlight, and those who loved it too much, which is why it baffled you for quite a while why you were so fond of Jungkook. He loved the spotlight enough to make his job look so easy, but he felt real  — so real you almost thought he wasn't. 

#

The midway mark of September has rolled in. Once the celebrations of your championship win over the summer were over, it was back to focusing on work and school. You’ve started your probationary period at a research institute, and you’re riding out your fifth year of university after your senior year knee injury left you out of school for a month and out of the graduation rites. This meant a chance to actually win the championship, which you did, and to appease your ever growing interest in gender studies, you decided to take up a minor program too. 

It’s 8 am on a Monday and you’re enjoying your iced americano at Annie’s, your aunt’s café that she lets you run to help sustain your lifestyle. You monitor the daily operations, which means checking up on it everyday, and since class isn’t until nine, you always have your breakfast here. 

Your back is turned to the door and you’re packing up your stuff, laughing at something Woojin, your café manager, is saying. 

You stand up, swing your bag strap to your right shoulder and without paying attention, turn to your left to head out. Except instead of going for the door, you go for a body instead. The next thing you know, you’re massaging the right side of your forehead because holy crap this person has a knife for a chin, or a shoulder, or whichever part of the person’s body hit you. 

“Ow!”

“I. Am. So. Sorry,” the person says. His voice is low and raspy, sleepiness still evident in it, and he says those words as if each is a sentence on its own. “Are you alright?” 

By this time it has registered. You are looking up at the man who made your then-65 year old Grandma shriek. But that was last year and you bet if she were still alive now, she’d do the same, probably even louder. 

You could hear customers enjoying their morning coffee whisper quite loudly “Is that Jeon Jungkook?!” And then it registers again. Yep, it is.

Eyes wide, you tell him that “good thing I don’t have coffee or that pretty white shirt of yours would’ve been messed up.” 

Really, that’s what you say? 

God, you sound so stupid, so you bat your eyelashes and put on a smile, as if that would save you the embarrassment. He grins.

“Yeah, good thing you didn't,” he says, letting out a little laugh.

You smile again, a bit awkwardly though, just to acknowledge his appreciation of you not ruining his Monday morning. As you’re about to step to your left to go for the door this time, he furrows his eyebrows. “You look familiar. Have I seen you somewhere?” 

Well, you know where you’ve seen him, but you don't say that. Instead, you mumble “probably in your dreams?” Again, what? 

He laughs again, this time more loudly. You’re amused at the child-like tone of his laugh, a complete contradiction to his toned body and tattooed arm. Your eyes travel up. Right, that was his shoulder you hit, you realize.

This is such a turn-off. Why does he keep laughing at stupid things? 

“That sounded different in my head. It wasn't supposed to be a pick-up line if ever you thought so,” you clarify. 

“No I didn’t, but thanks for confirming,” he says. You notice him smirking.

“Well, that settles it, then. Bye!” You wave, and you go for the door, for real this time. 

It was an interesting way to start the week. You rarely have VIPs entering your café, especially in this quiet part of town, and so it’s quite a surprise to have him check it out. What’s even more surprising is seeing him there again the next day.

Your back isn’t to the door this time, but you’re zoned in on the paper you’re working on, eyes focusing on the laptop screen. It’s only when you momentarily look up and see Woojin preoccupied and seemingly distressed on the phone that you hear someone say, “excuse me” with his inked hand up that you realize your VIP is back. You stand up, approach him, and ask what he wants to order.

Jungkook’s face lights up. “Well, good morning, dream girl,” he greets. You flinch at the thought of what you said the day before implied. 

“Please don’t,” you plead, before exploding into laughter. “Not my best moment, eh?” 

He smiles again, shaking his head as if agreeing to what you just said.

“What do you want to order?” 

“So… Annie?” He diverts.

You aren’t sure if you’re happy that asking for your name means he won’t have to call you dream girl again, or embarrassed because now there would be a name to the face. 

“Annie’s my aunt, but I help run the place. It’s Y/N.”

“And I’m Jungkook,” he says, putting out his hand, as if you don't know who he is, which actually impresses you. You’ve heard of famous people's tendencies to act like everyone knows them, making them forego the courtesy of introducing themselves properly. You shake his hand, a little calloused but soft nonetheless. “This is Sejin. He told me about this place and how good it is,” he continues.

“Which is why you’re here for the second day this week?” you ask, fishing for some feedback on your food. 

“I wanted to get back at the girl who would’ve spilled coffee on my shirt yesterday. Turns out this place has some great food as well,” he says, a smile creeping onto his face. You aren’t quite sure what to make of this. 

You insist on their orders, suggest your bestsellers, and turn it over to the kitchen. As you’re about to head back to your seat, he says, “I remember where I know you from!” You look at him, curious. 

“You’re Jieun’s cousin! She always posts about you,” he excitedly claims. 

You nod. Of course, Jieun. You could’ve figured that out and told him yesterday instead of the dream girl thing. 

“Right. Jieun,” you start. “She sucks up to me like that to convince me to visit her in L.A.,” you explain. You try to keep your voice steady. You don’t want to give the impression that having this conversation with him is already the most interesting part of your week, even if it is. Who gets to say that Jeon Jungkook recognizes their face anyway?

“You don’t like L.A.?” He asks curiously.

“It’s just not my cup of tea,” you respond, angling your body to move towards your table, but facing him still. You’re glad that the morning rush has ended and there aren’t many people in the cafe who minds enough that you’re talking to Jeon Jungkook. 

“Then what is?” he asks, arms crossed against his chest, looking genuinely curious. 

You let out a laugh. “Jasmine, chamomile. Lemongrass on some days,” you say. “We’ve got good ones you should try,” you tease. 

You aren’t the type to spill things about you that easily, and he picks this one up. He nods and smiles. The only other thing he says to you before you leave is that the food is good, and that he’d “see you around.” 

Of course he would, because for the rest of the week, he kept going back, right around the same time as you’re there. This isn't new, of course. You have so many customers who come everyday at a particular time — right before school or work or just part of their daily routine. But he didn't fit the profile of a regular customer, but you also could admit it was nice to see a fresh face around. 

It’s Thursday of that week when he tells you “I have meetings and stuff in this area and your food’s really good,” after you give him a questioning look as to why he’s here again. And it’s the next day when he comes alone, orders jasmine tea for himself and for you, and asks for your number after you talk about Disney movies and the damsel in distress trope. And cats, and how much you hate them. 

~

You have your back lying on the couch for 10 minutes, debating on whether you should drive to his place and ask what’s going on, or stay home and settle on phone calls for the next 2 months that he’ll be gone for the tour, if he’ll even pick them up. Because you’ve tried—you’ve called and left messages, not to ask why he hasn't been texting or if anything’s wrong, but just to crack up jokes that are way funnier than his, or to talk about food. You know, normal things. 

You like how your texts never start with “good morning” and “what are you doing?” They’re usually along the lines of “some cat left a paw mark on my car, my day is ruined” or “I tripped in front of an old lady and she almost died laughing” or “what movie should I watch if I want to forget I have a shit load of work to do” or a picture of whatever food you ate that day. 

Things are never formal with you two. It’s always very casual that sometimes you forget that his “show’s about to go on, I’ll talk to you later” text means he’s just about to perform in a sold-out stadium in front of thousands of people in Japan or something — like it was no big deal. Or that his “hang on, someone will just talk to me” is really code for “I’ve got an interview,” which you know will be newsflash and then posted all over social media immediately after. You enjoy this bit because it feels so natural, neither of you feel like you have to impress the other. 

“Will you stop air fucking and pole dancing on the mic stand,” you’d say. 

“Stop talking to me and do your report already,” he’d say. 

“Seriously, why are your clothes 3 sizes bigger? How much food are you hiding in there?” You’d laugh over the phone. 

“Your sweatshirt looks like shit, can I have it?” he’d annoy you, and then proceed to take it home. 

You like making fun of each other as much as you like talking to each other. He’s easy to get along with and not pretentious; you’re comfortable to be around and not judgemental. He doesn’t have a problem telling you if you’re being too whiny; you don't mind calling him out for being too much of a perfectionist that he’s actually not being productive anymore. 

Jimin was right when he described you two as inseparable, long-distance buddies — whether it was a night out with friends or a night in doing papers, if it didn’t clash with his schedule, you were together. Even if it was a quick take out dinner at 11PM  after a long day of practicing, he’d be at your place.

Whenever he’s away on tour, he’d be constantly updating you about fan signs and the food and the weather; similarly, you’d update him on the café’s customer of the day or this new e-book you’d discovered or the weird dream you just had. You never feel any sort of pressure or expectation; neither of you feel too attached, despite the amount of time you spend together. 

Regardless of how your constant texting or hanging out when he was back in Seoul seems like to others, neither of you ever felt like you had to define what you two really are. That’s what you always think the reason is as to why it works — it just does because you don't feel like it has to go a specific direction. 

Despite all that, it still feels odd that he hasn’t been returning your calls or even updating you on how his day has been. The longest you’d gone without talking was 3 days, and that’s with a heads up. The next few months will be crazy for the band, what with the remaining shows of their tour. It isn't like him to just disappear from your life like this. 

“When was the last time you saw him?” your best friend Chaewon asks over the phone when you finally decide to call someone after finding out Jungkook’s leaving.

“He’s not lost, okay. He’s just not calling,” you correct her. “But last week, we went for a drive, he slept over, and that was it. He just…” you trail. You aren’t even sure how to describe what just happened. 

“Then why don’t you go over there?” She asks, almost as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. 

“I don't know, it might get messy. You know I’m not good with confrontations.”

“Just go, Y/N. He probably won’t be calling you after he’s left if he’d been dodging you like this.” 

Chae hangs up shortly after. You figure she probably doesn't want to hear another one of your excuses. You take your best friend’s advice and head for the door, get in your car, and take the 30-minute drive to his house.  

#

“I like to leave,” you tell him. You glance to your right where he sits at the passenger seat of your car then look back on the road. You and Jungkook had just spent dinner with your friends at Chaewon’s apartment and you told him you could drive him back to the dorm. 

He gives you a puzzling look. “Is that some sort of warning that I’ll wake up one day and you’ll just be… gone?” he asks, eyebrows scrunched up. You could see there’s a hint of concern on his face. 

“Oh, I meant I like taking trips,” you laugh, realizing the oddity of what you had just said, which was a response to Jaehyun, your other best friend, mentioning you being voted as ‘most likely to evaporate into thin air’ in high school. 

“Some days I wake up and just feel like being someplace else. So I grab my backpack and my trusty map, get into my car, and head out. By myself. Somewhere,” you say, shrugging, like it’s the most natural thing that people do. 

You describe to him the places you’ve seen — the lakes and mountains and fields that many people don’t know about, how the sunsets are like from there, how the trees and flowers smell like, how otherworldly they look. 

Most of the time, when you’re plagued with fear or sadness or doubt, you just leave. It’s your quick fix, your Band-Aid. You could be gone for a day or over the weekend; sometimes you’d be out for a week and not even your best friends know where you are, just that you’re safe. 

“But why?” he asks. You think it was ironic since this is a guy who leaves for a living. 

“When I was younger, we had this class and the teacher asked us to draw an object that represents us. I didn't even have a clear idea of who I was, how could I find the right object to symbolize me? You’ve got to find yourself, that’s how you’ll know, she said. I asked her how. She told me to go look at a map,” you narrate, looking back at that moment when you stared at your teacher trying to figure out if she was kidding or not. 

“I guess you find yourself in places you don't know. Or you realize who you really are when things get chaotic and you go somewhere far. Or you pull yourself away from the crazy to take a breath and escape some things you’re not really ready to face…” you state. 

“I never knew exactly what she meant, but I figured they all made sense,” you continue, slowing down the car as you’re a block away from his place. “You’ll always find a reason to leave.”

“But does leaving solve any of your problems?” 

“Not always, but sometimes the problem is nothing that you leave behind. Sometimes the problem is you.” You’d thought about the times you came back and felt like a different person with a different perspective on things. 

You look at him smiling, and you realize he’s been looking at you the whole time. You pull on the brakes, ready to say your goodnight, but he isn’t quite finished.

“What’s your favorite thing about leaving?” 

There are so many things you love about it. You love how it means you have the freedom and capability to do anything you want. You love seeing new scenery, discovering places for the first time, meeting new people and learning their stories. It is such a human thing to want to leave, you think. You like everything about it, even the parts where you get completely lost or rained or snowed on because you weren’t prepared. 

“Coming home,” you say. 

He softens at this, a pleased look on his face. 

“It’s like you’re gone for awhile and you see things for the first time, but then you drive back and you start seeing the familiar things — the streetlights, the driveways, the parks, the cafes… And all those constant things, they’re still there even when you leave, like they’re just waiting for you to come back.” 

“You should know that. You’re always jetting off somewhere new,” you say. 

“I leave because I have to. It’s part of the job.”

~

That conversation is ringing in your head the whole car ride to Jungkook’s house. Your knack for driving off is one of those things you never really share with anyone apart from your best friends. You never liked the thought of having to explain yourself to people, especially those you haven’t known for long, but with Jungkook, it never felt like you had to explain anything; you were always just sharing pieces of yourself that you knew he appreciated, that he somehow understood. 

You pull up behind the black SUV parked in front of his place; the same SUV that you know his driver uses to take him to the airport. You turn off the engine and go through the half opened gate, up the steps and through the door. 

You greet one of the members of his security team as she heads out the door and your eyes immediately turn to the two black duffel bags lying on the floor. They’re plump and full of things. You imagine all his black hoodies and sweatpants and leather jackets. You picture the bucket hats all neatly folded and his favorite Balenciaga sneakers tucked in somewhere. It feels weird, standing here at his foyer and just waiting for something to happen. 

You hear steps skipping down the stairs and his voice, assuring “I’ll call you when I get there” to someone on the phone. 

He’s looking down on it, texting someone who isn’t you. He does a double take, probably not expecting to see you standing by his door with a sad and confused look on your face. 

You’re fidgety and you feel nervous. You never liked confrontations, even if you were convincing yourself that is not why you came here in the first place. You just want to see how he was doing, maybe ask what he’s been up to, wish him luck on the shows and that you’d see him when he gets back in two months. 

“Y/N…” he starts. “I wasn't expecting you to be here.”

“Why, because you didn’t expect me to know you were leaving because you didn't tell me?” You say too quickly, resolve dissipating, tone and voice betraying you.

He looks taken aback. “Does it matter that I didn’t?” He says defensively, pulling up his duffel bags on a chair and seemingly looking for something inside one of them. You know he’s just distracting himself so he wouldn't have to look at you. 

“You go home to your parents for three days and you ask to see me the day before, and now you leave for North America for two months and suddenly it doesn't matter that you don’t tell me?” Your voice is getting louder and you immediately wish you hadn’t come here at all. It seems like he doesn’t want you to be here just the same. 

“You didn't even bother returning my calls or texts. And now you’re leaving. Your first show isn’t even until a week from now,” you say, crossing your arms. “What’s the rush?”

“I have a meeting with a producer,” he responds.

“That you couldn’t do during your free days there?” You snap back. You know this, you know they’re given some free time and he could’ve easily slipped that in there.

He sighs, knowing he can’t get out of this one. “I just want to be away from here, that’s all,” he says, glancing at you and then back at his bags. 

“You mean away from me?” 

He continues shuffling things in his duffel. He doesn’t even respond. You know it. He’s leaving because he wants to be away from you. 

“What’s going on, Jungkook? One day we’re laughing our butts off until we fall asleep and the next you just… not call at all.”

“I just didn't feel like it, I guess,” he says, zipping one of the bags and adjusting its strap.

This infuriates you.

“Well that’s nice. It seemed like you always felt like coming over with dinner, keeping me company while I worked, convincing me to go out for drinks, meeting me at the café for breakfast but then all of a sudden you don’t feel like calling?” You bite back.

He’s silent for a while, as if finding the right words to say. 

“You know what else is nice?” he starts, looking at you. “Calling me to come over on Friday nights when you don't feel like being out, asking me to stay the night and having me sleep next to you, kissing me and then telling me that ‘this feels nice and comfortable and fun’ and that I really am a great friend’.” His tone is angry, frustrated, desperate.

You feel your jaw drop open even if it’s closed. You did not see this coming at all. You always felt like you two were on the same page, that you like each other’s company so much that you prefer staying in on Fridays watching movies or National Geographic. You thought you both understand that sleeping next to each other only means you want to talk and laugh until you fall asleep, which is what happens all the time. You kiss then, which you treat like a goodbye because you don’t know if he’ll be there when you wake up. 

“I never thought of you as the selfish and unfair type, but I guess there’s just too many layers of you that it takes time before this side of you comes out.” He swings both his bags to his right shoulder, hinting that he’s ready to leave, that he’s ready to leave things like this. 

He starts walking towards the door. “They weren’t kidding when they said everything you touch turns into a mess.”

Your eyes widen in shock. “What the fuck, Jeon,” is all you could say. You’d never seen him this upset. Worse, you’d never seen him this upset at you.

“So what, I turned us into this big mess and you leave just like that? Like it’s not even worth talking to me about whatever it is you’re feeling?” you ask, following his movements. He’s halfway out the door by this time. 

You follow him out, overtake him and make sure he could see your face. “Leaving doesn't always solve problems.”

“Well, Y/N, sometimes it does. Because sometimes you’re not the problem, it’s what you leave behind.”

You look at his face, trying to find pieces of him you thought you’d figured out. He turns away, not wanting to see you like this. You see him soften a little bit, like he didn't mean for things to turn out this way, but you know he isn’t going to let up. You have so many questions running through your mind. What did this all mean? What’s going to happen now? 

“It’s sad how when someone you care about tells you exactly what you are to them, you realize at that moment what they are to you, and it’s the complete opposite.” 

He turns to look at you this time, his face screaming a kind of sadness you’d never seen before. You’d talked about him being homesick all these years when he’s out on tour. He’d shared how the gossip and his negative image have affected him and his relationships. He’d talked about how difficult it was holding onto things and people that were real, but none of those moments could compare to this one and to this look he has on right now that lets you know he’s upset and it has everything to do with you. 

You’re the one he’s leaving behind. You’re the mess he wants to get away from. You’re probably the last person he wants to see before flying out because you’re the problem he doesn't want to deal with. 

“Jungkook…” you start, although you have absolutely no idea what you want to say. You look at him, eyes pleading for something, anything. 

“I have to go,” is all he says. He turns around, clutching his bags over his shoulders, and walks away.

No ‘see you around’ or ‘I’ll call you soon’ like always. It was just ‘I have to go,’ like it was the period to the past months you two have been hanging out. ‘I have to go,’ like ‘leaving you is this need I have to fulfill.’ ‘I have to go,’ like, ‘this is it.’ 

You watch him walk out the gate. You watch the car drive away. There’s always something poetic about watching someone leave. You’d been used to that growing up. Your parents were always leaving, saving lives in places that needed saving, but you always knew they’d still be thinking about you and missing you while they were away. 

But with Jungkook, it was different. You hadn’t quite gotten used to him leaving all the time, and right now, you aren’t sure he’d be thinking about you or missing you while he was gone. 

‘I have to go,’ he said. Like, ‘I’m leaving. I don't want to stick around. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be with you.’

#

Things don’t feel real. You’ve been driving for 30 minutes, unsure where to go, reeling over the conversation you just had with Jungkook, if you could even call it that. It’s like he just dropped a bomb on you that you didn't know he’d had all this time. 

There was so much frustration and sadness on his face that morning and you couldn't get the image out of your head. What have you done? You kept asking yourself. 

But you reason that none of this is your fault. You thought everything was clear between the both of you. Sure, you never really talked about it, but if he was really feeling differently about you, then why didn't he just say something? 

“I’m heading out,” you say to Jaehyun over the phone. He’s always the first person you call when you feel like driving off.

“I’m guessing the talk with Jungkook didn't turn out well?” he asks. 

You don’t respond. You don’t really want to say anything to your friends about all this until you’ve figured things out. 

“Chae told me,” he says, interrupting the silence. 

“Yeah, I figured,” you reply. Information is so fluid between the both of them.

“So where are you off to?” 

“I don't really know, just wherever,” you say, but you know exactly where you’re going. It will just take another hour until you get there.

“Alright, just be safe,” he says, before hanging up. 

You step on the gas and turn on the music. Anything is better than the silence that’s ringing in your ears right now. You hum to the tunes of Colde and LeeHi, praying to the heavens you won’t hear Jungkook’s voice on the next song. This is your ‘favorites’ playlist and he had sneakily included some of his band’s songs one day when you went out to the market to grab some fruits and he stayed at your place watching TV. 

About 60 minutes later, you reach the place. It’s en route to a town a couple of miles south of the city. It’s a turn to the corner, onto a dirt road and a path lined with shrubs and small trees. The entrance to the main beach is right off the highway about a mile away, but you’d discovered this entrance not long ago when you drove off on a Sunday, two days after your ex-boyfriend came knocking at your door months after he broke up with you. It was the first time you spoke since then, and it was also the first time he ever tried to explain himself to you. You remember that trip; it was 7 months ago and it was also the last time you’d been here. Somehow you just felt the pull of this place. 

You realize later on, as you sit on the shore watching the sky turn purple and orange, that you told Jungkook about this when you were here. 

You watched the sunset then just like today. It looked so beautiful and so you snapped a picture and sent it to him. He was in Japan at that time for an event. You’d told him you’d fallen asleep and were just listening to the waves crash on the shore — your favorite sound in the world, you’d said. When it was all over, you decided to call it a day. 

“I’m driving back now,” you’d told him. “Okay,” he responded, voice tired from the day he had. It was rare for you to talk to anyone when you were out. You felt like a part of home was tugging at you when you did. But Jungkook was away and you just wanted him to see what you were seeing. You felt it was a way for you to tell him that you were fine. He didn’t seem convinced when he’d left your apartment that Friday night after Jinyoung visited. The photo you sent of the sunset, and the next one of you lying on the sand, smiling, were enough to convince him that indeed you were. 

“Okay. Hold on to the feeling once you see the familiar,” he’d said. He knew you loved that feeling. He always said he imagined a smile creeping from the left side of your mouth when you realized you were nearing home.

“You’re familiar, Jeon,” you’d told him.  

You liked the idea, that you saw him as something familiar. You’d only known each other then for a few months but you’d talked as if it had been years. He was away but he still felt constant. 

“So are you, Y/L/N,” he replied. 

You were thinking about this, about him, as the dust settled and the sky’s now a pretty dark blue with tiny hints of burnt orange. The waves still sound majestic, truly something you can never get tired of. You feel the cold autumn air tingle your insides. You close your eyes and breathe in to try to immerse yourself in your surroundings, hoping against hope that something will click and things will make sense.

You’d spent the whole afternoon here yet you feel like nothing’s changed. He is on the plane to California and you’re still confused. You still have the same questions from last week, from this morning. He’s still your constant; you just aren’t sure if you’re still his. 

Leaving doesn't always solve problems, you told yourself. You just wished you’d told him one more time. Maybe he would’ve stayed. 

#

“We’re having Spanish,” Chaewon says as you enter her apartment. “And you’re late.” She continues, turning to you with slices of apples and oranges in her hands. You could hear the laughter and the cheers from the living room. Nobody’s minding you because a soccer game is on. 

You envy their energy — why you agreed to continue to help run the cafe even with a full-time job, you don’t know, but it’s starting to take  its toll on you and all you want to do is sleep. Jungkook and the guys will soon be in full preparation mode for the start of the tour and  your superstar friend, who had now also claimed your own friends, wanted to have dinner with everyone before things got too busy.

“You cooked?” you ask, returning your gaze to her after looking out on who is already here.

“Nope. Take-out. But the Sangria is homemade.” 

“Take-out?” you repeat, excitedly,  making your way to the table to check on the food. 

“Jungkook wanted Spanish and take-out,” Chaewon confirms, as laughter roars from the living room. 

You walk over to check on everybody else who all acknowledge your presence with air fist bumps. 

“So you’ve moved past Chinese and Japanese take-out and have gone for Spanish now, huh, Jeon?” you question. He gives you his signature bunny smile from his seat on the floor. He does that quite often when he’s showing off or after he’s done something nice. 

“Hey, it’s a classy place and I get a discount. And, Chae sounded tired when I called so I took it upon myself to save dinner,” he proudly declares, standing up and motioning towards you. How cocky, you think, but you return his pinch on your cheek with a pinch on his nose.

Dinner is as fun as dinner with your friends always goes, but your hectic schedule that day made you extremely tired. After moving to the couch and a glass of Sangria later, you feel your head spinning and rest it on Jungkook’s shoulder. He notices your tired face, nudges at you and says he’s going to take you home. “Thanks, Jeon,” you murmur under your breath. “I promise I won’t puke.”

It takes a few glasses of water and a handful of profiteroles to get you sobered up and ready to head out. He helps you get in his car and you retreat to a semi-fetus position until the next corner. 

“You’re really tired, aren’t you? You’re never this quiet during a car ride. Even when you’re drunk you won’t stop talking… or singing,” he teases. “Out of tune, I might add.” 

You sit up from your sulking position. “Sometimes I just want to choke you, you know” you remark with a serious face. 

“Do you want to feel the wrath of my women?” he questions, winking, referring to his army of fans who are protective of him, and for good reason. 

“They’d probably want to do the same, only in a sexual way.” At this he laughs, shaking his head as if to say you’d done it again, teased him like this and made his cheeks blush.

The ride is a quick one for a Thursday night. You feel you haven't made fun of him enough as he pulls the brakes in front of your apartment building and immediately steps out and walks to your side before you could even thank him and say goodbye. 

He opens the door and pulls you out like it’s routine, although you clearly remember he’d brought you home when you were drunk only twice, one of which was when he’d found you half-naked in your kitchen with a knife, ready to attack him. Since then, Jungkook had made sure to never let you be that drunk again, and always made it a point to feed you sweets so you’d stay awake. 

He’s successful though — you’re sober and awake tonight. You’re just really tired. 

You unlock your apartment door and he steps in with you, goes straight to your kitchen and makes you tea. He knows that chamomile makes you sleep well, and that’s exactly what he prepares.

“So comfortable in my place already, Jeon,” you say after realizing what he’s doing. He just knows in what cupboard your mug is kept, and in which box the chamomile is stored, and how much sugar you put, but then again, he did help you quite a bit organize your kitchenware. He opens a drawer to get aspirin - “Just in case,” he says. You watch him like he had done this many times before. 

A small smile forms on your lips. 

“Look, you’re tired and I convinced you to come tonight. If you don't sleep well, you’ll wake up in a bad mood and complain to me again that your neighbor’s cat is loitering on your steps… and then you’ll blame me.”

You laugh. For someone who deals with so many people everyday, it amazes you how well he remembers things about you like that.

“I was about to say how I like hanging out with you because you make me coffee or tea…”

“You’d do the same for me, Y/N, no matter how much you want to stop yourself from doing so.” He winks at you, tastes the tea, and places it on the counter. 

You sit on the chair and feel the aroma of the tea soothe you. He stands there watching you, pleased with what he’s done. “You good?” he asks, and you nod behind your mug.

You don’t need to be taken care of, you’d told him once. You don’t need someone to be looking out for you when you’re drunk and being clumsy, when you’re busy and not eating, when you’re injured and unable to walk properly, when you’re stressed and needed a break. 

“If you don’t want me here you could always just tell me, you know?” he’d said once. “I won’t take it personally. We’re good with each other that way.” 

But you never asked him to leave. In fact, you always wanted him to stay, always asked him to.

“Ready to call it a night?” he questions, after you put down your empty mug.

You look up at him. You could feel your eyes falling and your body aching for a warm shower and your sheets. It’s been a crazy week and it isn’t even over. You want to rest, but you also don't want to be alone.

“Can you stay?” you ask, biting your lip and trying hard to pull off your puppy eyes so he’d say yes. 

“Sure,” he says. He didn’t wait for an explanation. He didn’t need one. He just understood.

You give him a warm smile. 

“I know you love my couch, but I might forget in the morning you’re here and I might stab you for real this time,” you state. “The bed’s big enough for both of us and Chandler,” you offer, referring to your hedgehog stuffed toy that’s about half your size. 

“At least I get a blanket!” he claims.   

“Thanks, Jeon.” 

A soft smile appears on his face. “Anything for you, Y/N.”

~

By the time you decide to leave the beach, the sky has already settled in a midnight blue. The waves are crashing, and from across the water, you could see lights from the small town not so far away. You think about spending the night there, or driving someplace else and sleeping in your car until the next morning. But you decide to go home, even if you know you’ll just be thinking about him more if you do.

You turn on your engine, put the windows down, and listen to the wind. You think about this morning again. You’re still in denial that he’d said what he did and the implication that you probably led him on all these months. 

But you’re convincing yourself that he couldn't pin this on you — he was always calling, he was always texting, he always wanted to be with you after a busy week, he always made it up to you when he couldn’t come over, he always stayed when you asked him to. 

You two kissed, but it was a soft one, not ravenous or lust-filled. He didn't pull away and you didn’t try to deepen it. But he looked so good after their show and he was gonna be gone for the tour and the alcohol was talking and you let it. 

You kissed again after that. There was no drunken night to blame it on the second time, but it was raining when you woke up the next day and he looked so warm and comfortable sleeping on your bed that you just felt like you had to. But he kissed you back, softly still, and he didn't say anything. He didn't pull you in for another one after. 

If he really felt anything, then he should have. He should have grabbed you and told you he wanted more, that he was feeling differently, that things were changing. He should’ve done it then or any other time after that. He was always honest with you, but you didn't understand why he wasn't honest about this one, why he decided to just stop things and leave you hanging. 

Maybe you weren’t away long enough, because you didn't even realize that you were already home until you saw your neighbor’s white sedan parked in your street. You pull the brakes and park behind it, thinking you were probably absent-minded the entire ride back. 

There’s no warm feeling inside that you’re back. This wasn’t a trip that was meant to change anything or make you figure out how to fix things. All you thought about was that you miss him terribly, and maybe that’s what it was meant for, rub in your face that he’s gone. 

You drag yourself up the stairs and enter your place. It suddenly feels like he’s everywhere in your apartment. You’d moved in last year and not even your best friends or your mom had imprinted enough of themselves inside.

There’s the cup Jungkook bought for you after he broke one of your favorites. There’s this pack of granola bars in your pantry that he got so you wouldn't have to gobble up ice cream when you were hungry. There’s the spare toothbrush he started using after his first night in. There’s your sweatshirt that he returned, and his hoodie that he said he’d get back the next time he sees you. 

And there’s the counter where you both shared take-out dinners and homemade breakfast. And there’s your couch where you spent nights working while he watched TV on mute. And there’s your bed where he’d slept next to you a few times. 

“I shouldn't have watched all those stupid chick flicks when he wasn't talking to me,” you think out loud. Now you’re left with an apartment that has him everywhere. 

You’re  not even together. You’ve shared so much of yourself to each other but never ‘I like you’s’ nor ‘I love you’s,’ not even ‘I miss you’, but why does it feel like you’ve shared all that and more? Why this sudden feeling of emptiness after he told you he had to go and then  left just like that? 

Everything you touch turns into a mess, he told you. 

Your friends joke about it all the time. Your penchant for trying anything that remotely interests you doesn’t necessarily mean you’re good at it. Whether it’s decorating those Valentine’s cookies that Hyejin bakes, molding those vases during a pottery class you impulsively signed up for, or even making pajeon when Chae said you couldn’t fry anything other than your broken-yolk eggs, you just have the tendency to end up with final products that are nothing like what you intended. In look or substance, they’re just not that pretty. Jungkook always laughed along.

But he said it to you today like it burned him. As if to say, look at what you’ve done, I don’t want to be a part of this. 

#

“So uhm, are you just going to sit there and watch us or are you going to help?” Jungkook asks from the floor of your living room, paintbrush in one hand, goodie bag in another. 

Body sprawled on your sofa with legs hanging and kicking off the armrest, you look at him with a pout. “Jaehyun doesn’t want me to.” 

Jaehyun sighs from where he’s sat on the floor. “It’s not that I don’t want to, Y/N. It’s that I can’t afford to.”

You roll your eyes. “Yeah, whatever,” bitterness apparent in your voice. 

It’s a Sunday and your friends are at your apartment to help Jaehyun decorate the goodie bags he’ll be distributing to the kids at the orphanage that he volunteers at. Twice a year, he throws them a party that requires decorating giveaway bags that contain the books and sweets he’s bought with his own money. Jungkook ended up there because, well, by now you don’t question him anymore. They had a day-off and he said he was bored.

“Jaehyun’s being kind. Y/N’s just really shit at these things so he doesn’t let her touch these,” she says, holding up a bag where she’d painted a rainbow. 

“You got the color order wrong,” you shoot at her. She responds with scowl.

“Come on, Jae. Pretty please. I promise I won’t mess them up like last time,” you plead to Jaehyun. You know he has a soft spot for you.

“You said that the last time, too” Hyejin chides. 

“Wow thanks, guys. No one’ll even pretend to be on my side, huh,” you sit up and frown at everyone.

“Y/N, we are, like, most of the time.” You glare at your friend. “But I spent my money on these and the party is already next week and I really want the kids to feel hopeful and inspired, not scared, okay? And I want them to actually keep the goodie bags, not throw them away. It’s nothing personal, I promise.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever,” you wave your hand at them and give up. 

This is a usual occurrence. You know you’re useless with anything that involves the arts that’s why your only contribution every time you guys help Jaehuyn is your apartment as a venue. 

Jungkook arrived an hour earlier with a glimmer and excitement on his face when he saw what your friends were doing, like a little kid at a candy store. He wasted no time and got right down to business. God, those kids who will get his bags would never know they were holding a goldmine. 

“So what happened the last time?” Jungkook asks. 

“She tried to draw a bear but it ended up looking like that character from the monsters cartoon, you know, the one holding its eyes?” Hyejin recalls, laughing as she recalls the proud look on your face and the distressed one on Jaehyun’s. “She tried to remedy it but like, just no. It looked terrible.” 

“No kid would feel hopeful with that,” Chaewon adds.

“I really had to do quality checks of her work and I threw them all away cause they’d gone lumpy. She didn’t even mix the paint well,” Jaehyun continues.

“Yah! I think Jungkook got the message, okay?” You start chuckling, seeing Jungkook’s amused face and his effort to not laugh along at the thought of you being shut down for something you thought was a pretty thing you created. “I’ve accepted that art isn’t my forte.”

“So is cooking, baking, pottery, organizing, arranging…” You throw Chaewon a pillow, smack to her face like she deserves.

“But seriously. Trust her to score the final point of a championship game or write a 30-page report on housewifization and its subordination of women but if it isn’t sports or research, forget it. Everything she touches turns into a mess. RIP to all the cookies and goodie bags and vases that never saw the light of day,” Hyejin dramatically claims. “It’s kind of her thing.”

You shrug. It kind of is your thing. Your unartistic, unorganized, and mindless chaotic ass, for the life of you, just can’t get it together. Clothes and shoes all over the place, gifts wrapped in frayed gift wrappers, cooked food looking inedible… relationships that crash and burn because you couldn’t decide if you wanted to care or not, because you did whatever you felt like just cause you wanted to, because you got too close and didn’t know when to pull away… Yeah, definitely.

You turned to your friends who were all back to being immersed in what they were doing, proud look on their faces at the pieces that will definitely give joy and warmth to whoever will get them.

“I just mess things up, though. At least I don’t break them.”

~

You wake up to the sound of your phone ringing in your ears, surprising you so much you almost fall off where you were lying. 

“I’m outside,” Hyejin says on the other line. You get up and open the door.

She turns to you after seeing the blanket on your couch, realizing you had slept there instead of your bed. “Too much of Jungkook in your room, huh?” she says, looking sad, not realizing there was too much of him everywhere. You had just been too tired to go to your room when you got home, but you didn’t answer. 

She takes your silence as a yes and walks to your kitchen to take out the bread and coffee she bought, then heads out to your terrace while you wash up in the bathroom. 

You sit in front of her and eat your breakfast quietly while she watches you take small bites of your cheese bread. You tell her everything that’s happened the past 24 hours — from Jimin’s call to Jungkook’s out-of-left-field outburst. 

“I think I led him on,” you say, head thrown back on the chair, eyes closed.

“Uh, you think?” Hyejin claims. 

“How come none of you ever said anything?” you ask, looking at her. Jungkook didn't say anything; your friends didn��t say anything… Were you that naïve? That selfish? That stupid? 

“Well, it’s not like you’d listen anyway,” she starts. “You always just do what you want. Like, sure constantly talk to the guy giving you heart eyes every time you look at him, go date the guy whose family is in Australia and would most likely go back and leave you, sure spend time and flirt with the insanely hot and kind and funny pop star… like there are no consequences to these things,” she unapologetically says.

“Is that so bad?” you ask. 

You don’t want to sound defensive. You don’t have the energy to really argue with anyone. 

“Come on, Y/N. Don’t tell me you didn't see this coming. With how you two were, one of you was bound to fall for the other.”

“We allowed ourselves to get that close, Hyejin, to be… this. Whatever this is. Or was. It’s not like we ever talked about it, though.” 

She raises an eyebrow at you.

“But I just figured we were both mature enough to handle the consequences. I just don't understand why it has to be this screwed up.”

She looks at you as if she’s looking right to your soul. “It’s like you ask someone to play fire with you, and you don't mind if you get burnt. You don't mind if they get burnt, too. That’s what it’s like.” 

“Getting burned is part of it. Getting hurt is part of it. I know that, and I always get over it,” you say. 

“Yeah, but the thing is, you expect the same thing from the other person, too.” 

You don’t like how right she is about all this.

“When you get hurt, you just walk away because you expect it and you accept it and then that’s it, goodbye to everything that was good. Move on to the next relationship that may or may not work out,” she continues.

You cover your face with your arms, as if somehow that’s going to be enough to make up for everything you’ve done.

“But that’s precisely why you always live in the moment, you know? To hell with being careful, or obsessing over whether or not doing something will hurt you. When you feel it that moment, you do it. And you’re okay if it hurts you, or if it leaves you with the shorter end of the stick. You get back on your feet right after anyway.”.

The day at the quad when Jinyoung broke up with you comes to mind. You didn’t even fight for it, you normally don’t; you’d rather spend that time getting over something  and moving on. 

“But Jungkook isn’t like that, Y/N,” she says, breaking you out of your thoughts. “Don't you get it? He won’t tell you he feels differently. He won’t tell you and right then and there, realizing you don't feel the same way, just accept it and get over it.”

You look back to that last morning you had together, the tangled limbs, the morning kiss, watching him get ready, the words “stay a little longer” almost slipping past your lips like always, but instead saying that it was nice and comfortable and fun. He smiled then. 

“Thanks for doing that for me; you really are a great friend,” is what you said before he left. So you weren’t dreaming the crestfallen look you saw on his face. With furrowed brows he took his phone, multiple messages probably telling him to go back to the dorm, and then he was gone. 

Your eyes widen at the memory. That’s what he was referring to. You’d been too frustrated at him ignoring you that you didn’t even bother to think of what might’ve triggered it. 

Hyejin seems to pick this up. “So are you now realizing you’re an idiot?” 

You smack her arm and she winces, deservedly so. 

“Okay, fine. I may have been one but to ignore me like that and then just leave? He waited last minute to tell me what he was feeling and then he fucking left, leaving me here confused and hurt and in agony. That’s way worse than my quick and easy,” you exclaim. 

“Sometimes people will cover up the pain rather than just say they’re hurt. Some hearts are wired that way, Y/N. Not everyone does quick and easy. Not everyone gets to accept their own feelings, and upon realizing they’re not reciprocated, moves on right away like you do.” 

You let everything sink in.

“It was my second time at that beach yesterday, you know?” You start after a long silence.

“The first time was after Jinyoung had come over to explain himself. I was already over the break up; I left to get over his reason for it. But yesterday when I was down there, all I could think about was how much I miss Jungkook. Like, it was the only thing going through my head the entire time I was there. He was always leaving but I always knew that when he got back, he’d be knocking at my door again…” you trail. You know it isn't going to be the same this time around. 

“People have their own reasons for leaving, you always say that. You can never fault them for why they choose to. You leave because you want to figure yourself out. He left because he probably didn't want to deal with what he’s feeling for you.”

Feelings. You always made sure to keep yours in check, but Hyejin was right; you also always expected the same from him.

You look out on the city and get lost in your thoughts. People always thought of you as someone who had things figured out - you know what you want from life and from those who are part of it. You’d walked away from people and let them walk away from you when you knew it had to happen. But this whole deal with Jungkook feels like unfamiliar territory. 

If it were someone else, you probably would’ve just let it go, but you keep thinking about Jungkook and the way his dimples still surprise you every time he smiles and how his laugh is so childlike and infectious it annoys you and warms your heart at the same time. 

You can't get off your head how it feels to hear him say ‘good morning’ when you wake up and find his arm gently resting on your waist, your fingers always tempted to trace the ink decorating his own. 

You warm at the thought of how he manages to make you feel better when you’re tired, how he never makes you feel hopeless when you’re being angry at all the unjust things in the world, how he reminds you of all the good there is during the times you forget. 

You think of how you don’t want to lose all that.

“Feelings…” you say. You couldn’t get used to the idea that he has them for you. 

“Do you have them too?” Hyejin finally asks. 

You were so hung up on how the past week has been, that he ignored you, that he left, that you didn't even stop to think of why, and more importantly, what you feel for him.

“I don’t know.”

“I’ve never seen you like this with anyone, though.”

“It’s because I’ve never been like this with anyone.”

“Like what?”

“Cautious?” 

“You mean, spending so much time together, constantly talking, kissing, is you being cautious?” She’s asks, incredulous.

You shrug. “It was never anything more.”

“Then why do you do them?” She snaps back.

“Because I want to? I’m always ready for him to turn me down.” It does surprise you every time he says yes to your requests, to your calls, your kisses. “But he never does.”

“But you don’t ask for anything more?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to.” 

Hyejin groans. “You’re giving me a headache.” 

“What did I say?!” 

“How can you want all of that and none of it at the same time? Seriously, you guys are like, friends with benefits without the sex…”. 

You throw her a piece of bread, scandalized with what she just said. But you laugh at this. Your friends had joked about that before; even his band mates agreed. You were everything and nothing at the same time, stuck in the grey scale that neither of you were willing to admit. Or move away from. 

“I think you just wanted everything - you wanted company, you wanted him to stay the night, you wanted to kiss, you wanted him to hold you,  you wanted to talk… You wanted to be friends.” When Hyejin says it like that, you do seem like a fool.

“But you didn’t want what those actually implied or even required from you,” she continues. “Almost like there’s this line you’ve set for both of you that only you can see.”

You sigh in frustration. You know when you drew that line, when you’d warned yourself to never cross it, when you’d promised yourself to never want more.

“I guess I always knew what I really felt… I probably just denied it or didn't want it enough,” you think out loud.

“So what now?” She finally asks the painfully obvious question. “What will you do now?”

“Wallow in my self misery and remind myself everyday that I'm an idiot,” you answer back.

“Hmm. You’re too easy on yourself,” she says.

You smack her arm again, which earns you a laugh from her. “I’m kidding! But seriously, now that everything's a little clear, what are you going to do?”

“Make things even clearer?” You sigh. “I feel like such a mess, Hyej. And he’s the one who usually cheers me up when I feel like shit but I can’t ask that from him, now can I?” You say, your body now slumped in your chair, feeling like you’re back to square one.

“You can’t and you won’t.” She walks over to you to pull you up like a big baby. “You’ve got 2 months to figure your shit out before he comes back. Better start now,” she says, as she ushers you back inside.

#

There’s continuous knocking on the door, causing you to get up from your seat on your work desk and you readied yourself to fight whoever decided to disturb your busy Saturday morning. 

You open the door and are greeted with a loud bellow, your name being sung in opera-style by a certain doe-eyed boy. 

“Jeon Jungkook, what are you doing! You’re gonna wake the neighbors,” you shout, pulling him inside.

“Your closest neighbor is an old woman who’s hard of hearing. I think we’re good,” he smiles, eyes all innocent-looking.

“What are you doing here?” You ask. It’s one of those rare Saturday’s when the guys are afforded a full day off - no practice, no show, no filming. He always looked forward to days like this, which you expect he’d spend sleeping in or exercising or playing Overwatch. 

“Got a free day,” he gleams.

“I know but what are you doing here?” 

“You’ve been cranky and whiny this whole week. And you don’t respond to my memes,” he says, pouty lips making him look like a little kid that hasn’t been given much attention.

“I told you it’s work. I’m short on time to work on my reports since I got dragged to this week-long event. But I think my brain cells have dissipated; I can’t seem to construct simple sentences anymore,” you sigh, heading for your couch to sink into. “I’m sorry for not responding to your memes.”

“I’ll forgive you only if you come with me.” 

“To where?” Your brow quirks up, finally taking in his baggy pants and loose white polo and bucket hat. “And what look are you going for with this whole get up?” You question, not missing the mismatched pieces of clothing and shades perched on his hat. 

“Something unassuming. I asked Jin hyung for advice and raided Tae’s closet,” he shrugs. 

“So what do you say? Come with me. Take a break! You won’t get any more productive being cooped up in here. Plus, artists need to go out for inspiration and you don’t seem like you’re getting it here,” he says with a smug look. You smack his arm, knowing that last bit he only said to mock you.

But it’s the words you always say to him; now he’s just saying them right back to you. “I promise to buy you snacks,” he says, reaching out his hand to you and pushing you to your room to get dressed.

And that promise he keeps. He rented a simple car so his luxurious one wouldn’t catch attention. You take a drive out of the city, sing your lungs out in the car, and go store hopping. You find supermarkets and convenience stores and little shops to look for different kinds of snacks that you both try and make reviews of. Every pretty view you see has you stopping the car and admiring the scene. 

You inhale the fresh air, something you don’t get much in the city, and you appreciate this. You get back to your place, complain about your tummy aches, laugh until you fall asleep, tangled limbs and all, but not before telling him it was the most fun you’d had in a while and your brain feels rejuvenated enough to get the reports done in the next few days. 

He falls asleep with that smile, the proud one he’d have on when you show your appreciation for him. He does like getting praises, that much you know.

You wake up to his quiet snores, cheek squished on the pillow with a hand over your waist, like always. You know you have to wake him up soon, which you do with a soft kiss, like always too. You watch him smile into the kiss and return it, until he finally opens his eyes to look at you. 

“Get up, sleepyhead. They’ll be calling you over soon,” you say. 

You watch him ready himself from your bed, still drowning in that kiss with a lazy smile on your face. You want to tell him to stay a little longer, even if you’re the one pushing him to get ready. 

You always want to say that, whether it’s walking out the door at night or getting up from your bed in the morning. You always want to ask him to stay a little bit more but you never do, thankful for whatever time he could spare you, careful not to ask for more than what he could give.

Yesterday was good. You’d been drowning in work, and you’d blown off your friends this past week and you knew that Jungkook had a busy week as well. But yesterday felt nice. He’d given up his own free day to be with you and he willingly did so, knowing that you need it without you saying it out loud. 

You had fun during the drive, and even more so exploring the store aisles, figuring out which brand of shrimp cracker or chocolate milk to get, buying all of them anyway, and excitedly opening them, finishing it all up and proceeding to give your review like those YouTubers you both liked to watch. 

It always feels like this with him, but you had been so tired and drained that being with him yesterday just made you feel so happy. It showed with how you constantly leaned into him, how you rested your head on his shoulder as he was deciding on the size of banana milk he would buy, knowing he’d be resting his head on yours as a response. 

You were missing physical affection and he was always willing to give you that, and you liked that he never seemed to ask for more. You’d initiate and he’d return, you’d pull and he’d let you, no questions asked. It felt comfortable enough, you thought. You didn’t have to explain yourself or your actions. It just always seemed like a given. 

He’d said that he was dealing with a lot already as a pop star, that stuck with you and you knew from then on it was code for him not wanting to get into a relationship, and despite having being single for a little over a year already, you had too much going on in your life too that you didn’t really need any commitments at this point. You were on the same page, for sure.

It was nice and comfortable and fun, that’s what you tell him. You’re referring to the day you had, and what it’s like with him too, in general. You watch him pull his gray hoodie over his head. The black one, his favorite, you’d worn the night before, and you hug yourself to say you don’t want to return it yet. 

He chuckles, “Fine. I’ll get it back the next time I see you.” You like his scent, but you’d never say this to him too.

You stand up to head to the kitchen, feeling refreshed and ready to be productive for the rest of the week. You know it had so much to do with the previous day, as if the laughter and smiles you had made up for that entire week when you barely did either. You give him a quick hug. “Thanks for that, Jungkook. You really are  a great friend.”

His face falls a little bit, as he clutches onto his phone to check the multiple messages probably telling him to go back home. You don’t think much of it. When you turn back to him, he’s gone.

~

part 1 drabble <<>> part 2 drabble

series masterlist

#jungkook fanfic #jungkook fic #jungkook x reader #jungkook angst #jungkook fluff #jungkook smut #jeon jungkook #jungkook #bts fic #bts jungkook #idol jungkook

[suchalonelysunflower]

hi!!

random question: how did you get into 5sos?

Hello, my dear and buckle up cause I love telling this story 💕

My sister is a huge One Direction fan - and I mean huge - One day she gets the notif that a band will go on tour with 1D and that their sound is much more similar like the other bands she listened to (we are very much into punk pop) So she and her best friend start talking about this band and how they are so cool but I didn’t really pay any mind to them until she showed me the videos of SLSP where I fell in love with the guy with the bluest eyes I’ve seen, and then the Amnesia video where I fist saw Ashton riding a bike and I knew that if I ever liked that band, the drummer already had my heart in his hand.

My sister continued to listen to them while I listened to their songs by the sidelines, not really getting involved except to watch the videos and one or two songs from SGFG - the only album we could buy at the time. My knowledge of them was very broad and general, and I didn’t allow myself to listen to them very often cause I was in a very toxic environment already and I didn’t need to add on “she listens to boybands and weirdos” to the things that would’ve upset my friend (ex-friend) back then. Still, my sister kept me on the loop.

Then came Youngblood and with that came Cocktail Chats where I once again gave my entire heart to Ashton cause omg, obviously. Their song was everywhere, literally at work we ate at a random lunchroom and the video was always playing. I listened to Youngblood and found it weird, since all I knew was them being all like “we are punk pop” and the shift - while amazing - was not what I was expecting of them. Still, “More” and “Babylon” were my most streamed songs that year on Spotify.

I saw them again with Rett and Link, I didn’t know Ashton had red hair but I still fell for it (at this point I should’ve known I would’ve given anything for this man) They were so funny and that became quickly one of my comfort videos even tho I didn’t listen to them all that much. But then… the pandemonium hit.

The first months of 2020 hit hard, even before the pandemic. I was severely depressed, so much so that my mom started to get worried (and she never worries or even noticed so it was a bad one) I literally saw no way out of it, nothing seemed to matter anymore and I was ready to give up. It still shocks me to this day how ready I was to leave, that’s why I always say that this band save my life.

On a random day here on Tumblr, I came upon a picture of Long Haired Ash from 2015 (one of my favorite eras) I didn’t follow any blogs with any 5sos content so it was weird to say the least. However, I got curious “what are they up to now?” I knew they had new songs and I watched the videos for teeth and easier when they came out. Still, I looked for Ashton on Instagram and found that they were releasing a new album that same week. And I told myself “Hey, you liked the new songs, maybe you’ll like this album”

So I made it through the week, watched videos of them and listened to their old songs, read fanfiction about them and just enjoyed any sort of content that had to do with them. And then, Friday rolled around. I waited till the early hours in the morning to listen to it and boy…

I remember listening to the first harmonies of Red Desert and I started to sob. And I mean ugly sobbing. It was like all the pain I had inside of me suddenly got lighter when I listened to them, to CALM. I could hear the drums and it was like my heart was beating along to it, finding a purpose because “I can’t go without seeing them live someday, I just can’t”

Then came the inspiration to write. Oh, how I loved to write but I had to stop because, again, I was in a very toxic environment when I was younger. But Ashton just screamed at me to write about him, anything, just put my feelings into words and come up with stories I always wanted to write. Then it was Calum, Michael, Luke and even Harry. I was writing again and I felt free. I felt whole.

And then my fics reached other people and I found this amazing community that gave me the courage to post the stories, create even more and be myself. This community gave me the confidence to, not only start writing again, but to unapologetically like something, be a fan of something. I found friends that even tho we’ve never met, I feel like I’ve known them all my life. And all because of a picture of Ashton in 2015.

I related to them in a way I haven’t related to anyone before in my life, especially Ashton. I found comfort in them and realized that if the universe gave me the opportunity to know about people who are so amazing, maybe it’s worth a shot to stay a bit longer. They were put in my life for a reason, and I’m still here so…

I knew of 5sos before, but I believe they came when I most needed them. I’m thankful for them and thankful for me and this community.

And that’s the story of how I met your father (?)

#anon #suchalonelyask #sunfloweranswers

[killerqueenlux]

Thanks to my dear @nico-cab for tagging me 🤍🤍 sorry it took me ages to do

MUSIC

fav genre? I couldn't choose just one, I listen a lot pop-rock, pop-punk, rock and folk-rock

fav artist? Well favorite bands are The Killers, 1D, The Lumineers and Mumford & Sons. Solo artists, I obviously love Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles and Regina Spektor

fav song? Hear me out hahha I have a fav song of all times (Carry on my wayward son by Kansas), fav song of the moment (Hey Angel by 1D) and fav song in spanish ( Contigo by Joaquín Sabina)

most listened song recently? according to Spotify, Little black dress by 1D

song currently stuck in your head? AHHAHAHAHHAHAHA Lovebug by Jonas brothers

5 fav lyrics? uuufff this will be a bit long

"The good old days, the honest man, the restless heart, the Promised Land, a subtle kiss that no one sees. A broken wrist and a big trapeze. Oh well, I don't mind if you don't mind 'Cause I don't shine if you don't shine. Before you go... Can you read my mind?" — Read my mind by The killers

"For evey question "why" you were my "because " — Walls by LT

"We don't know where we're going but we know where we belong" — Sweet Creature by HS

"Hold on to me as we go, as we roll down this unfamiliar road, and although this wave is stringing us along, just know you're not alone... 'Cause I'm going to make this place your home" — Home by Phillip Phillips

"You're my Waterloo, I'll be your Stanley Park, well I'm so glad we know just what to do, and one's left, stumbling around, fumbling around in the dark" — You're my waterloo by the libertines

Radio or your own playlist | solo artists or bands | pop or indie | loud or silent volume I slow or fast songs | music video or lyrics video | speakers or headset | riding a bus in silence or while listening to music | driving in silence or with radio on

BOOKS

fav book genre? magical realism, fantasy and maybe poetry, does fanfiction count?? Hahaha and obviously I prefer queer literature

fav writer? Gabriel García Márquez, Juan José Arreola and Gabriela Mistral the three of them are Latin American writers, in English I love E.E Cummings, Neil Gaiman and my king Tolkien

fav book series? Lord of the Rings and Percy Jackson 🤍🤍🤍🤍

comfort book? The Hobbit (and my comfort fic is unbelievers haha I think I read it more often than the Hobbit)

perfect book to read on a rainy day? any Larry fics or The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, quite entertaining for an afternoon

fav characters? ANNABETH CHASE AND LUKE CASTELLAN from Percy Jackson and the olympians (obviously i love percy but they are my babies) I'm also going to add Harry from Unbelievers because I had never identified as much with someone as I do with him

5 quotes from your fav books that you know by heart?

This one is in Spanish so I'll do my best to translate. "El hecho de que alguien no te ame como tú quieras, no significa que no te ame con todo su ser"/ The fact that someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you with all their heart" —El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Gabriel García Márquez

"Evean the smallest person can change the course of the future" — The lord of the rings, J.R.R Tolkien

"There are no safe paths in this part of the world. Remember you are over the Edge of the Wild now, and all sorts of fun wherever you go" — The Hobbit, J.R.R Tolkien

"I am here because when all else fails, when all the other mighty gods have gone off to war, I am all that's left. Home. Heart. I am the Last Olympian" — Percy Jackson and the Last Olympian, Rick Riordan

"Time is fluid here, said the Demon" —Fragile things, Neil Gaiman

hardcover or paperback | buy or rent | standalone novels or book series | ebook or physical copy | reading at night or during the day | reading at home or in nature | listening to music while reading or reading in silence | reading in order or reading the ending first | reliable or unreliable narrator | realism or fantasy | one or multiple POVS | judging by the covers or by the summary | rereading or reading just once

TV AND MOVIES

fav tv/movie genre? Fiction, fantasy romance and true crime

fav movie? HAHAHAHAHHA just loveeeee Titanic so much, Fight Club, Inglourious Basterds, Across the Universe, Stardust and The imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

comfort movie? Spiderman into the spider verse, Love Actually and any of the lord of the rings or harry potter movies

movie you watch every year? I always watch Lord of the Rings: The return of the King on Christmas and Titanic on New Years and of course V for Vendetta on November 5

fav tv show? Doctor Who, Sense 8, Pushing Daisies, Supernatural and bbc Merlín

comfort tv show? The Good Place and Teen Wolf

most rewatched tv show? Oh boy, my guilty pleasure is Grey's Anatomy I have rewatched all the seasons thousands of times

ultimate otp? Merlin/Arthur and Aragorn/Legolas

5 fav characters? Rose Tyler (Doctor Who), Jack Dawson (Titanic) and Samwise Gamgee (Lord of the rings)

tv shows or movies | short seasons (8-13 episodes) or full seasons (22 episodes or more) | one episode a week or binging | one season or multiple seasons | one part or saga | half hour or one hour long episodes | subtitles on or off | rewatching or watching just once | downloads or watches online

i'd like to tag @chispitalovesruby @moonelust @touchoflouis @holyshit @ialwaysknewyouwerepunk @celestial0ne @booksmusicandsodapancakes

#mutuals #i love my mutuals #I had a great time doing this #movies #books #music #personal