#Astrid and Eodwulf have fucked but only each other

[foxqueen-katarian]

I think as a rule Wizards should be good at fucking.

All those somantics and the verbal dexterity’s got to translate to more pleasurable experiences.

However given the reclusive nature of your standard Wizard, and the fact that they’re made of wet tissue paper and spun sugar means very few of them ever actually get to fuck.

All of this to say, Caleb with his positive integer Charisma modifier and canonical Wizard polycule, is somehow the sexiest Wizard in Wildemount.

#caleb widogast #critical role #Essek is a hot boi but he has either never fucked before or has only done so once and no one enjoyed it #Astrid and Eodwulf have fucked but only each other #Let’s not contemplate any of the Cerberus Assembly mages fucking they’re terrible

[ben-lyintous]

the mighty nein should just do another con on rumblecusp maybe a few months after aeor but this time it's just them and the friends they made along the way

allura tries to politely decline but then she hears from keyleth that she's going with her mom back to the island she was stranded on to meet the weirdos who saved her and kima is game anyway so they do end up going

caduceus drags calliope with him and nila is delighted because she has a soft spot for the blooming grove and all that

keg, reani and calianna are all there. fjord finds himself in a conversation with all the wlws at one point and mentally logs off the moment anything even remotely flirty is said. beau gets a lil awkward when introducing yasha, keg and reani to each other. keg and reani are both low key disappointed at first that beau is taken now but yasha is HOT so they're like yup. understandable. yasha just finds the whole thing very amusing (and so does kima)

cali promises to send EVERYONE gifts afterwards. and she actually does, the absolute mad lass

keg almost has a heart attack upon seeing kingsley for the first time because jester did not mention THAT in her carefully curated sending invitation (but she did mention something about dick hunt 2??? whatever that means)

bryce gets their first vacation in what feels like forever and gets shitfaced the very first night. they get exponentially more '?????' each time they hear another anecdote about the m9's exploits

artie is in a disguise almost the entire time (and keeps glancing nervously at the moon) but eventually reveals his identity to keyleth. very dramatically. and not until the very last moment

shakäste charms the pants off everyone and so do the pumats. they all have extremely chill conversations with orly

astrid and eodwulf show up fashionably late (read two days after everyone else) and only stay for one night. they both get a dance with caleb, mostly to exchange whispers and intense stares

essek arrives armed with a sun hat, a bottle of sunscreen and a poncho on a stick parasol and still gets a sunburn but he's just happy he gets to spend time with the rest of the nein again

dagen is a big fan of the beaurebar and the fact that he's not freezing his ass off for once. he's a bit puzzled by all the stories about the m9 but he already figured they were weird as shit so he's just like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯🍸

kingsley tells everyone wildly different lies about himself and revels in the chaos. jester, veth and artie quietly approve

a few drinks in yussa implies he's about to fuck with dangerous and unpredictable magic again but after a stern look from allura and a flashback to the cognouza ward he promises to reconsider. he's still very curious about caleb and essek's research progress in aeor though

vandren makes himself comfortable at the beach after a while and starts reading a new smut novel that caleb brought him (jester insisted)

bestie isharnai is not invited. jester actually feels kinda bad about that for a moment

kiri is also not there because she's a child and this kind of party is not appropriate for a child (especially one that can and will repeat every swear word she hears to her horrified foster parents). this just bREAKS jester's heart so the m9 absolutely take her to hang out with them in nicodranas afterwards

#beauyasha #critical role #keg cr #reani #essek thelyss #cr dagen #calliope clay #nila cr #blumentrio #astrid beck #eodwulf #vandren cr #allura vysoren #lady kima of vord #calianna cr

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E131 (March 30, 2021)

Tonight’s guests are Liam O’Brien and Sam Riegel!

Brian points out that a lot of Caleb’s greatest fears have come to pass. Liam: “It’s funny, because he’d kind of believed for a while that those things weren’t going to happen. After a while, he got complacent.” He notes that it was extra wild because everything with Trent popped up again in the midst of that complacency. And how did it feel to be defiant toward Trent? “I think Trent successfully made Caleb question if Caleb really was in control“ at the dinner party. “I feel like anything that I do is part of his plans for me, or is that just gaslighting? I’m legitimately scared of that dude.” Sam: “Of Matt?” Liam: “Sure.” He highlights the disconnect between knowing that the M9 is mechanically powerful and could possibly defeat Trent in a dice-and-stats battle, versus fearing him in a story sense and being convinced he can do almost anything.

Sam, on Luc’s death: “That was brutal, man. Matt Mercer is a-- he hates children! Clearly. He actively sought to kill a child in the campaign in as brutal a way as possible. He hates children and wants them dead. Canon. No, but to RP, that was horrible.” He highlights that so much of Veth’s arc has been about trying to get back to her family. “We had to choose something and we thought we were making the right choice. It was all Veth’s fault, and it was pretty rotten. My heart was beating pretty fast, and I certainly didn’t want to have my son die live on the stream. I don’t know what Veth would have done. That’s the end, that’s over. It’s almost worse than when your own character would die. This is something that would also kill Veth.” After the episode was over: “just shaken. I also didn’t know what to do next! That felt like a turning-point moment for my character, weirdly so close to what we assume to be the end arc of this campaign. I texted Matt later that night and was like, that’s it, Veth’s out, I’m tapping out.”

There’s an interlude in which Sam discovers a new dream to record an episode of this show from his Peloton. Dani informs him that she will not be inviting him back.

On Astrid, Liam: “I literally don’t know what she’s doing. I know that she’s dangerous, she always was ambitious, and there’s not been a moment where Caleb let his guard down with her. He’s not trying to reestablish what they had. He cares for the both of them, for Astrid and Eodwulf. He thinks about it a lot, still. He can’t tell how much she buys into everything that she experienced and is now living as a full-grown adult. He suspects that she’s bought in and is not going to change things, because she believes in the system, as much as he’d like to peel her away. He does believe that they want what’s best for the Empire, and stopping whatever wants to come vomiting out of a hole in the frozen north is good for everyone. And they’re powerful. They’re not trustworthy, obviously. But there’s enough at stake to make it worth it. He could imagine a situation where they fight each other to the death.” He was convinced Astrid was going to stop them when they left the tower and was really shocked when she held back. Sam: “Not me! I’ve trusted Astrid since day one. She’s the greatest! I sent a letter to her, she’s very nice, I think you guys would be a nice couple. I believe every word she says.”

On having to decide on Veth deciding to go off and save the world after Luc’s death. “Like I said, I was ready to be done. And then I decided somewhere in there that that’s not very D&D. So I thought I’d leave it up to somebody else, so I asked Caduceus to decide for me, essentially. She knows she’s putting her other family in danger if she doesn’t go. It’s an impossible choice, you know?” Liam: “I love watching you grapple with it, because you’re a lovely father and love your kids.”

On the Sanatorium, Sam: “That was brutal, man. Matt lulls you into a sense of complacency. We’d forgotten that Caleb was a stone-cold killer! It had been a while since he went on a murder spree. Still got it!” Liam: “I never meant for this character to be perfect sunshine.” Brian: “You don’t say.” Liam: “He’s very not-perfect, and I think in his brain, he was going in with the impression that they needed to get in and get out as soon as possible. The place is crawling with people with magic ability, and I didn’t have faith that we wouldn’t be sussed out or something wasn’t going to blow an illusion.” Everything was about getting out of there as fast as possible.

Did the conversation with Yeza help with Veth’s decision? “First of all, every conversation with Yeza is a beautiful one. Every time she talks to Yeza, it makes her feel good. In some ways, she’s gotten to the point now where she knows Yeza’s going to be supportive, she knows he’s going to allow her to do what she wants, but maybe that’s too much. Maybe she needs to not listen to him, basically, and be like, no, you need to be selfish now, dude, you need to say ‘come home, I’m sick of you leaving’. At a certain point, being supportive can turn into being enabling.”

Cosplay of the Week: Jester in the snow! (liljerbear47, photography by kairiceleste on Instagram)

On Trent’s motivations for chasing Caleb: “I really don’t know. The simplest explanation is to just hammer down the nail that’s sticking up. It has crossed his mind that all high-level wizards are in danger of their own ambition and egos, so it’s occurred to him that Trent might have the same kind of ideas that Halas had in the past, and maybe Caleb was always meant to be another body to jump into. Maybe in some sick, disgusting, twisted way, he wants him to be his successor. I am thinking of the next campaign, without getting too deep in, trying to do something that is much more ride-along. Caleb is very, very specific, and I thought long and hard about all the different pieces on the chessboard for him. For campaign three, I’m looking forward to seeing what happens.”

Dani: “Do I need to be keeping lore on your fucking ads?”

On the cursed dagger: “It was a tricky one, because in campaign one, one of the characters was under the influence of a cursed weapon, but it interacted with him and he knew what it was and what it did. And it affected his gameplay as a character. For me, Veth didn’t know what it was, ever. I as a player knew what it was doing, but Veth didn’t know at all. So it was kind of like my dirty, dark secret for many months. I knew this thing was coming perilously close to killing me, but my character didn’t know enough to bring it up to her friends. Nobody ever asked! So I was like, well, I guess this thing’s just going to kill me one day, and it’s kind of going to be a surprise.” Liam: “Sam, you love danger and self-destruction so much, you might as well be Mollymauk.”

On the fight in Yasha’s sequence, Sam: “You gotta put a character in your storm giant creature. It was so fun! It was so great of Matt to involve us in this encounter. It would’ve been fun just to watch, because Matt would have made it amazing and Ashley was sweating bullets, which is always fun to watch.” Sam notes he felt guilty, but Liam was going for the kill. Liam: “Matt’s gotta be careful about giving me that kind of story beat. I do not fucking care, I just fucking flip, I’m like, well, I’m going to destroy you, and I have no qualms about it. It’s too much fun!”

The Beau/Yasha tower date was in part inspired by not being able to give gifts as easily this last year. “This thing that we do together is a gift, but I love finding these moments, like the book for Jester and the tower for Yasha and for Beau. I really just wanted to give both of them a little magic for a night. I wanted them to leave this-- we’re trying to be as entertaining as possible, but shit is having an effect on all of us too, and I wanted them to have an escape, a great place to escape to.”

Fan Art of the Week: an amazing group shot, plus Marion, Yeza, and Luc! (vocaz on Twitter)

On choosing Essek over Trent, Liam: “It would have been so interesting and awful and great! Essek and Astrid and Eodwulf are everything that Bren used to be attracted to that are terrible for him. Essek, hopefully he can with time find a way out of the hole that he dug himself into, but it was only two months ago where he was found out and his ambitions came crashing down around him. Long-term, I have high hopes for him, but I think it’s going to be hard.” In contrast, Astrid and Eodwulf are still “deep in the shit. It would have been really hard to navigate, but fun to play at the table. We made the right choice with what we went with. Essek’s just getting started, and Caleb doesn’t trust him entirely, because he was burned so hard not too long ago. He’s still more trustworthy than the other three. So it’s the better choice. While Caleb has all these ties on the other side, they’re really fucking dangerous. So if you have to choose, you choose Essek. But fuck that die.” Sam: “Veth, much like Sam Riegel, makes instant decisions about whether to trust someone or not and sticks to it forever. Astrid, 100% trust. Eodwulf, 100% distrust. Essek, completely distrust. I still don’t think he’s a good guy. Ikithon? Trust. 100%. Because you know where he’s coming forward, you know what he wants. I still want him dead, but I trust him.”

On Veth’s post-adventuring plans: “Veth is probably still too in it right now to think about what comes next. I, Sam Riegel, have a good idea of what I want Veth to do post-campaign.” Brian: “Maybe you shouldn’t tell us. Save it for the show!” Sam: “All she knows is she can’t do this anymore. It’s very unhealthy to be battle-wounded every other day. It’s fun for a while, but college has to end at some point, and she’s gotta go home.”

On Frumpkin changing appearance and returning to the Feywild: “I don’t know what I’m going to do, but the way it feels now for Caleb is that he feels too enmeshed in everything that has happened, and too much good has happened, and too much needs to happened, that that really narcissistic, selfish goal has the risk of harming everything else, which is more important. And that’s how he looks at it now. So he’s gearing towards letting everything from the beginning of the campaign, and where he started, go, and trying to figure out what use he’s going to be now and what he’s going to do if they’re not all dead. If Matt throws that shit down, I don’t know what I will do, I think about it a lot. But turning Frumpkin white and saying you’re free either way is him preparing to let go of everything he’s been holding on to for a really long time. He’s addicted to that idea that he can fix himself, and we’ll see if that hard choice gets presented, what he might do. But where he stands now, he doesn’t think that’s going to be reality, and he sees a way that he can be of use that he never really anticipated before, so he’s slowly shifting gears towards living with the pain he was trying to remove.”

On the last request scene and confidence heading into Aeor, Sam: “I feel like that’s a good request. I think all of us realized that if we die, that probably bodes badly for the world. I feel like all of us are at a point now as characters and as friends, that the first order of business would be to take care of everybody else’s shit, although we probably have different ideas of how to do that.” Liam: “I want the Empire to be healed, Caleb has all these memories of his parents and what they wanted for the world, and he wants that too. It’s clearly not in place now, the system needs to be broken and replaced. That could be a part of Caleb’s sunset. I don’t want Caleb to die, so maybe he can work on that after. As everything starts to shake out and we start heading towards our destiny, Caleb’s just free-floating. He’s not even going after the same thing he started for. So he’s looking at Veth’s family, and Luc specifically, and seeing that’s me, that’s a little boy in the Empire.”

#critical role #critical role spoilers #talks machina #talks machina spoilers #long text post

[kaetor]

talking about the superhero au that no one asked for

so i drew a thing and now i have an au

story/world stuff:

each country in wildemount is it’s own city where superheroes are

the xhorhas city is where the Dynasty is headquartered-- the dynasty is an avengers-esque organization of heroes that started as one team, but has grown to include a loose alliance of a bunch of different heroes

the mighty nein is a group of people with powers. they aren’t exactly superheroes, because in order to be a superhero you generally have to fight crime and/or fight for the good of others, whereas the mighty nein are generally looking out for themselves

they will, however, help save the world, if needed, which is how they end up working alongside the dynasty and accidentally earning themselves official memberships and ‘superhero’ status

they aren’t quite sure what to do with this, but they aren’t about to turn down the influence or the extra tech

the rest is under the cut because i have things to say

the mighty nein:

i’m not super sure about most of them, but i do know that

beau is a sorta kinda member of the cobalt soul, which is pretty similar to what it is in canon, with a bit of spy + shield stuff added on top

jester’s superhero name is The Traveler. i’ve also decided she’s sort of like this world’s equivalent of mutant, where she was born with whatever powers she has.

fjord is an astronaut type thing who accidentally ran into some ancient alien power (uk’otoa)

caduceus is an alien who’s home world is being slowly eaten by some corruption, he’s come to earth to hopefully find a solution

veth is just veth. her superpowers are that shes good at inventing things and making them blow up

yasha is like some fantasy alien i think, kind of like how norse gods are in marvel. she has wings and can summon lightning

essek was born with superpowers, like his mom, and he can control gravity. obviously his name is the shadowhand

caleb got superpowers from trent ikithon’s experiments, so his powers are large, scary and vaguely defined transmutation stuff mixed in with ‘whatever the fuck he wants’ with the catch that they are generally uncontrollable and the stress of doing anything big will usually hurt him pretty bad. fire is generally the only thing he knows how to use enough to use regularly

random things:

the cerberus assembly is the Evil Science Organization, and the scourgers are a specific one of their experiments in giving people superpowers and also making Elite Assassins. most scourgers have powers that are more focused than caleb’s because after him and astrid and eodwulf trent figured out that giving people god like powers doesn’t work

essek is a superhero as the shadowhand. he was really hoping that his younger brother would inheret the superpowers so he could just do his science, but no such luck. he’s not really a big fan of the job, and at some point he starts trading secrets with the cerberus assembly to get in on their reaserch

not all of the mighty nein go out on missions when they join the dynasty-- veth caleb and caduceus generally stay at the base and work as Guys In The Chairs. after a while though veth decides to take some gear she made to go out superheroing herself with the nein. caduceus will also come too, on the occasion that they need someone to heal on site.

caleb is the only person in the nein who tries to avoid Fighting Villains if absolutely possible, because he doesn’t like using his powers. this usually leads to villains thinking he’s the weakest of the group and kidnapping him

i feel like the traveller and also lucien and the somnovem could factor into this somehow but i dont know how

if you read all this i love you

#cleb talky #cr #m9 #critical role #critrole #mighty nein #m9 superhero au

[namequest]

What Your Favourite Critical role ship says about you: Campaign 2

(All inspired by Eldena Doubleca5t)

Molly/Caleb: You just wanted good things for Caleb, and really, who wouldn't.

Jester/Caleb: You think the concept of opposites attract cannot be highly rated Enough.

Molly/Jester: You think the concept of opposites attract is Highly overrated.

Caduceus/Caleb: You just want good things for Caleb, and at this point, if good things for Caleb don't happen, you will revolt.

Fjord/Caleb: You are a sucker for characters who are each others moral compass, but you are also a sucker for characters whose moral compass is more of a roulette wheel. *Itsallaboutthehands.jpg*

Caleb/Essek: You are a sucker for characters who look put together, but who are just absolute screaming disasters on the inside. Also you really liked Good Omens.

Caleb/Astrid: You get sad every time a character doesn't manage to marry their childhood sweetheart.

Caleb/Astrid/Eodwulf: You have complete faith in Liam O'Brien inability to make a character that's not damaged and bi.

Caleb/Calianna: You are a firm believer in being a nerd and being feral.

Caleb/Pumat: Your interest in shipping is outweighed only by your interest in some vindication for Vax and Gilmore.

Caleb/Yussa: Your Ideal relationship dynamic is student/teacher but with a bigger age and power gap.

Beau/Darion: Your Ideal relationship dynamic is student/teacher.

Beau/Calianna : Your ideal relationship dynamic is nerd/jock.

Beau/Reani: Your ideal relationship dynamic is the brooding one/literal ray of sunshine.

Beau/Keg: You want a girlfriend who can kick ass. She'll kick your ass. She'll kick everyone's ass. She'll kick her own ass.

Beau/Yasha: You say you want a girlfriend who can kick your ass, but really you just want to be bridal carried.

Beau/Jester: You believe slowly falling in love with your best friend who you aren't sure is straight is something that can be so personal.

Fjord/Jester: You like lovestruck dorks so much that one day you thought "you know what's better than one lovestruck dork? Two love struck dorks." And you're still not sure if you're talkinabout Fjord and Jester or Travis and Laura.

Fjord/Avantika: You firmly believe in the inherent eroticism of death cults.

Fjord/Caduceus: You believe in the inherent romanticism of saving someone's soul. *itsallaboutthehands.jpg*

Fjord/Nott: You discovered that doing things ironically is the gateway drug to doing things for realsies.

Nott/Yeza: You just want good things for Nott, and really, who wouldn't.

Nott/Caleb: Your ideal relationship dynamic is "(s)he protec, but (s)he also attac."

Nott/Jester: Your ideal date consists of wacky hijinks after which hilarity ensues.

Jester/Calianna: Your ideal relationship is girls being friends, gals being pen-pals.

Yasha/Jester: You are a sucker for characters who are intimidating but go soft for that one person.

Yasha/Zuala: You just want good things for Yasha, and really, you are willing to perform a McElroy level unbury your gays for that.

Yasha/Caleb: You are a sucker for characters whose incredibly tragic backstories have so much in common.

Caduceus/Jester: Your ideal relationship dynamic is more of an aesthetic, and that aesthetic is cottagecore.

Caduceus/Nott: Your ideal relationship dynamic is more of an aesthetic, and that aesthetic is goblincore. Also size difference.

Caduceus/Pumat: You want to hug a firlbog so badly.

Fjord/Pumat: Your interest in shipping is outweighed only by your love of trolling Travis Willingham.

Molly/Fjord: Your ideal relationship dynamic is "And they were roommates!" "Oh my god they were roommates."

Molly/Vax: Your problem solving abilities are inferior only to your love for disaster bis.

Molly/Caduceus: You just want to have your cake and eat it, but you also think Taliesin Jaffe is too powerful and needs to be contained.

Molly/Nott: Your ideal relationship dynamic is a duo of stand up comedians.

Beau/Ophelia: You want to be stepped on.

Beau/Avantika: Your interest in moral choices in outweighed by your horniness for pirates.

Beau/The Bright Queen: You want more lesbian drama in your historical drama.

Caleb/Fjord/Caduceus: You want people to mutually support each other.

Caleb/Fjord/Molly: You want people to mutually support each other but in more chaotic ways.

Caleb/Caduceus/Molly: You don't really want a relationship as much as you want an actual Caleb support group.

Fjord/Jester/Caleb: Fuck a ship war, you just think everyone would be happier with Jester.

Beau/Jester/Yasha: Fuck a ship war, you just want to see some happy girlfriends.

Nott/Caleb/Yeza: You think that Nott has the right to hoard as many nerds as her heart desires.

Polynein: Fuck a ship war, the path to emotional healing is smooching.

The Gentleman/Ophelia: You are a firm believer in 👏 Men 👏 Getting 👏 Pegged!

Jester/The Traveller: Your love for power imbalance romances cannot be satisfied.

Marion/The Gentleman: You are Jester Lavorre.

#critical role #pls add criticism #cr #cr shipping #mighty nein #campaign 2 #shipping #what your favourite ship says about you

[gaawachan]

Critical Role 135 Discord Convo (Topic: Shipping?)

Some pre-convo context: This conversation meandered a bit so there's a lot of stuff that may turn up in other conversations later; it was really late and so a lot of things were only briefly touched on.

Me: You know... people are gonna freak out if LoB doesn't just cave and romance Essek at this point. If he wasn't planning on doing so then his roleplay during the past few episodes is gonna cause backlash, I think.

Sibling: I think he was on the fence and then Matt was like, "Okay, I have to push this because I currently have plans to make Astrid a victim of Trent and/or the big bad of Caleb's arc."

Me: Certainly feels that way, lol.  Matt's definitely the one that's been doing the pushing post-boat scene.

Sibling: Pretty much-- Matt has kept Essek near Caleb for every moment that he can

Me: (Caleb did tell Essek to stay close, lol) But in the past couple of episodes Liam's gone back to reciprocating. If he isn't planning on shipping it, he shouldn't do that.

Sibling: Despite Lucien's eyes. Oh for sure. I think he is though. Why else would LoB post stuff like *examples of LoB's twitter activity*? He doesn't egg on Astrid/Caleb shippers lol

Me: That's true.

Sibling: Plus, Essek is purple.

Me: Of course we weren't in the fandom when Vaxmore happened and then dropped, so we don't know if Liam did the same thing with that ship.

Sibling: God I hope not... C'mon, give us a bit of beeg yoshi

Me: Having watched half of season 1, I can say that there was way, waaaaaaaay less tension and such between Vax and Gilmore. Vax liked Shaun a lot, and Shaun was in love with Vax... but they had nothing in common, they didn't have any real theme/plot/setting/interest ties or anything. Just a vanilla relationship, like, they went out on lunch dates.

Sibling: It's funny because OTHER non-shippers came onto that ship-positive trend and started talking about Vaxmore and how more "real" it was. And I'm like, I feel like slow-burn romances are far more "real" than people hopping on each other as soon as that they get a chance (COUGH COUGH BEAUYASHA I'M SORRY COUGH). Don't disparage lunch dates, btw; there's nothing gayer than that.

Me: No, don’t get me wrong, I was actually about to post that "I can see why people like that because it feels realistic" The bigger problem with Vaxmore was simply that they didn't see Gilmore very often.  I think Liam would have been more interested in continuing that ship if Gilmore had not been... well, the Pumat Sol of the campaign.  Just not very relevant.  This isn't the case for Essek; he is THE npc of this campaign, basically. He's more involved than any other NPC in either season. Side note: if C1 and C2 had happened concurrently, I'd have totally shipped Gilmore with Mollymauk.

Sibling: OH TOTALLY

Me: Lol

Sibling: Essek and Caleb have many interests in common, and Liam has CANONIZED Caleb's attraction to him, both intellectually and physically. They have expressed a desire to spend time together, platonically? to improve their craft. They have worked to improve with each other, speak with each other in a way that they don't with others-- not even people they're supposedly closer to. Essek has had a turn of his morals BECAUSE of Caleb's actions... What do other ships in this season have? Caleb and Astrid; they have shared misery and a past that stains ALL of their interactions. Maybe there is love left, but it would need a TON of work, and she is never onscreen long enough for that to be established. There's not really any tension aside from the viewers' "is this a villain" tension. Not even the dance felt good, it was transactional and there to hide information being exchanged and then they LEFT. Caleb and Eodwulf; Caleb said his forearms were hot, lol? But Eodwulf has even less time than Astrid, and hasn't even really piqued the rest of the cast's interest, in spite of Caleb's history with him. Caleb and Jester; Might have worked if JESTER WAS EVER INTERESTED IN HIM. AND SHE NEVER WAS AND STILL ISN'T. She was smitten with Fjord the moment she started projecting him onto Tusk Love lol. Caleb and Nott; I'm not touching this one Non-Caleb ships are like: Fjord and Jester; Sweet, predictable, pretty much how I pictured it being when it became canon. Jester being exactly the same and Fjord being openly affectionate. Maybe some priorities being changed around. Beau and Yasha; I'm NGL, I feel like they're together... because they're lesbians? And not because they actually have much in common aside from that? It's sweet, but if we're speaking purely from a like... chemistry standpoint? This one falls on its face. But, no, I'm sorry. Just because Caleb isn't literally devouring Essek's face whenever he's on screen  (though he slobbers like he wants to whenever Essek uses Dunamancy), doesn't mean that the ship is "invisible". It's invisible to people who are only used to overt ships I guess But I'm sorry, I need to go back through and make a "Caleb slobbers over Essek doing magic" compilation. Because it doesn't exist yet, and yet it happens all the time lol And people are like "where attraction" RIGHT THERE, GUYS

Me: Speaking of Jester, actually.  Jester's funny because early on she actually did tease/flirt with Caleb quite a bit... but then she stopped doing it.  When?  I'd say it happened right around the same time Caleb started having feelings for her, imo, after their waltz, when he said Astrid's name.  Jester and Fjord were caged together in the Sour Nest and I think that, followed by the Fjord/Avantika arc, really sealed the deal for where her interests went.  Also, Jester and Nott wrote that letter to Astrid, so by that point I think it's pretty safe to say that Jester not only was not interested in Caleb; she wasn't even interested in teasing/lightly flirting with him anymore. Also Caleb eyescrews Essek a lot... so yeah what are these people smoking?  Even LoB, who has been wishy washy about the ship, has been pretty upfront about Caleb's interest in Essek.

Sibling: I don't think Widojest people want Caleb to be with someone happy and who makes him happy. Essek is not a happy man but Caleb's mood certainly seems to brighten whenever he shows up.

Me: I mean, there IS chemistry between Caleb and Jester but the issue is that the two characters view each other completely differently. She just doesn't see him that way. The other half of the equation is that Caleb tends to treat Jester as being more than just the cutesy trickster and a lot of the other cast members haven't really shown that? They tend to undermine her a lot actually. It's most obvious with respect to the Traveler. Caleb actually respects her relationship with Artagan. Other members of the group just hate him and have made it clear to her that they feel that way.  That includes BOTH Fjord and Beau. Like if you compare the conversations she had with Fjord and with Caleb on Rumblecusp, it's night and day, but it doesn't matter because she just doesn't view Caleb as a prospective partner at all. She tends to frame their relationship in the same way several of the characters in the party frame their dynamics with Caleb. "I want to help him but I have no idea what the fuck to say or do."  She'd still above average compared to the group at doing so but that's because of her mother's influence, not because she has feelings for him. Ngl, if I WERE to ship Caleb with someone other than Essek at this point I think I would pick Jester just because they have a mutual respect for each other. Oh oh here's an example. Okay, so Caleb's room for Jester in the tower right? It's very similar to her childhood room, but he deliberately "adults" it up, because he respects her as an adult. What was Fjord's gift to her in Rexxentrum? A child's toy.  A unicorn statue. And that's cute and all, but... uh...

Sibling: A little infantilizing?

Me: Yes exactly, and it's the same way he behaves about her relationship with Artagan. One could easily argue that Fjord treats Jester sort of like she's the pixie girl stereotype, but that's just surface-level stuff about Jester. You'll notice that Fjord and Jester's conversations tend to lean cutesy and immature, but when Jester talks with Caleb, it's very often a thoughtful and deeper conversation, so I DO see why people ship it.

Sibling: I mean, but that's my problem with it. Maybe it's better than Fjorjester, but Liam doesn't lick his lips every single time Jester breathes too hard.

Me: Lol. Personally I think that part of the problem is that 1) Travis isn't comfortable with doing romance, and Fjord is awkward af, and 2) Jester/Laura has tried to get him to talk with Jester on a deeper level and it hasn't really been successful, and she's let some opportunities slip by, but Liam rarely passes up the opportunity to have a deeper conversation with other players, so he ends up having more serious conversations with Jester simply because Liam seeks out those conversations.

Sibling: Well Liam loves character romances. It's why his second character left as many options open to him as possible lol. It's the stark difference between Liam and Travis. Travis is only comfortable romancing his wife fictionally lol. Liam loves the way you can reexamine a character and reshape their ending with those choices and I think he's way more willing to just go "screw it, my character is horny AF for this wizard boy, what are you going to do Matt?" "my character is also horny for my party member, but it's probably unrequited, but I'm going to stick with it for character depth"

Me: Seriously though  go back and rewatch the Rumblecusp conversations Jester had with Fjord and with Caleb.  You could SEE it in Jester.  Fjord was NOT saying anything she wanted or needed to hear.  I thought she actually looked pretty hurt.

Sibling: Oh, I remember being like "well that was deflating" and it's why she kept asking people. She's looking for answers, and pretty much everyone pussyfooted around it becawuse she's such a cuwuty.

Me: Yes, props to Caleb for stepping up, even though he didn't give her the answer she wanted either. That's precisely the problem with her dynamics with other characters. They're too busy fawning over how cute she is and trying to shield her to get to anything much deeper.

Sibling: Whereas Caleb thought of her as a woman- someone he really liked, from... like super early on.

Me: Oddly the end result is that the non-stop shielding of Jester has inhibited Laura's ability to grow Jester as a character. Which has to be frustrating as a player.

Sibling: I think it probably has been. Especially because I think she wanted to explore how being in a romance would change her. She even hinted to that way earlier: "That's not at all how love is depicted in the books we read..." "You mean the porn books we read?"

Me: The character is rarely challenged and hasn't really been forced to change.  She has changed in that she's matured from experience, but it's subtle and it isn't really acknowledged much. Nothing screamed this more than the climax of Traveler-con, where she was staring down the barrel of a monumental life-change and her cutesyness somehow convinced the planetar to be like... "fine, bye." Even MATT regretted that decision in the Talks afterward.

Sibling: Oh for sure! She just gets everything and you know what sucks? I think LAURA wanted Artagan to be taken. It would have devastated Jester but it would have forced her to change.

Me: Well actually, Laura said that she was going to offer to worship the Moonweaver instead of the Traveler if it meant she'd spare him punishment. When she said that, Matt's whole face just dropped; he was so upset that he wasted that opportunity, but that's the cost of treating Jester like she needs coddling. It's like... bro... she ax murders people... come on.

Sibling: She burns people to death with sacred flame and gets people lost in the woods by messing with road signs.

Me: She's been tortured and barely shows the trauma of it at all (can't believe that went unaddressed btw)... She can handle pushback... Like again, Caleb. Early on she butted heads with Caleb because she's a spoiled rich kid, but you'll notice that after offending him like that?  She never did it again.

Sibling: Because she's a good person capable of introspection and changing her behavior to help people.

Me: It's a small thing but Jester actually became a better person precisely because Caleb didn't handle her with kid gloves.

Sibling: That even ties back to her dropping her flirting when "Astrid" was brought up.

Me: Yep

Sibling: ... Shadowgast is still better.

Me: Yep. I don't hate widojest and I think that of all the jester pairings it's probably the best, but of all the Caleb pairings Shadowgast is best.

Sibling: I mean, Shadowgast is best even by virtue of like... who else would you pair Essek with that he could still stick around the party for? He's only interested in Caleb lol. That's not to say he doesn't LIKE the rest of the cast, but back to the deep conversations thing...

Me: I've seen some people shipping Widojessek, lol.

Sibling: There's really only one person (and one group chat) where he had those sorts of opening up moments. Poor Fjord- just got a GF and people are already cucking him.

Me: Lol. Oh, man... Caleb and Essek really need to talk about the assembly. Specifically Caleb's past and what Essek's dealings with them were like in more detail.

Sibling: Matt tried to lol and Caleb was like "yeah okay i got plans, but also paper"

Me: Essek needs to be more direct because Caleb doesn't WANT to talk about it.

Sibling: He can't, he's a wizard. No melee attacks, emotionally or verbally.

Me: Well, the issue is that Essek prods at Caleb's goals, which are nebulous (so Caleb really can't give a satisfactory answer, and he also can't answer without talking about his past first).  And when he prods about Caleb's past, he's too indirect.  He needs to directly ask about Caleb's past FIRST if he wants more information about Caleb's goals.

Sibling: The next time they're in the tower (which I fear won't be for a while) Essek literally needs to be like "I'm drowning in guilt, you need to tell me about what I was involved with so I can manage it" He'd probably give him a few crumbs lmao.  If Essek makes it about himself, Caleb is less likely to close up.

Me: Yes, that is exactly how Essek needs to frame it. "I don't have a full understanding of the nature of the people I gave power to.  I know now that they're more terrible than I thought, but not exactly how. I think that in order to fully grasp what I have done, I need to know more about them." It's pretty blatant bait but Caleb would probably be convinced by it anyway.

Sibling: Oh for sure. Caleb can't exactly run away from that either; he's too chicken to flee from conversations. He freezes and either spills or clams up.

Me: At this point, there's really no GOOD reason to NOT tell Essek about his past. There's nothing to lose from it, and a decent amount to gain; it could turn Essek actively hostile towards the Assembly rather than keeping him cowering in Eiselcross.

Sibling: He's uncomfortable with it (trauma will do that) Doesn't want to get sidetracked (Essek told him not to) Haven't had a good time to do so (no privacy) Doesn't want Essek to distance himself from him (most likely)

Me: This is true, but he's already told the people who he least wanted to tell (Jester and Caduceus) ... Actually, my suspicion is...

Sibling: And neither of them pulled away from him-- eh? Me: ... that Caleb doesn't want to tell Essek because he's worried that Essek will, well... uh, treat him like a child. Caleb was so young, and telling the story of his past also means admitting that he's 11 years younger than he appears. And there is some amount of Caleb's view of his past that is irrational and he chafes viciously whenever someone tries to downplay his culpability by pointing out his age at the time.

Sibling: I think he already has. Don't try to tell me about how not patronizing that "Young Man" line was lol. It was meant in good faith but... I think Caleb does the abuse victim "the idea of ever being young and vulnerable again is terrifying" thing pretty convincingly. It's also sort of a rewind back to his respect for someone who seems outwardly childish, but is an adult whose choices need to be respected.

Me: There is another matter which... Well, Caleb is slowly coming to terms with his status as a victim (veeery slowly) but I think if Essek were to learn about his past, and taking into account their different cultural perspectives on age, Essek might have a hard time not reacting more in line with Beau/Nott's initial reactions to the full tale.  Beau said she thought it was nothing to be ashamed of (and Caleb started laughing hysterically) and then Nott just full-on denied that any of it was his fault (which is completely at odds with his own belief), and since Essek's gut reaction to hearing the story is probably going to be something like "Trent is a baby torturer" ... That's not an easy thing for Caleb to stomach.

Sibling: And yes, Essek will absolutely have that reaction because at that age humans are still fetuses to him.

Me: This brings me to my final point. Caleb may be worried that Essek learning all of this and thinking that way will damage Essek's ability to see Caleb as his mirror. He may view it as a threat to the life-line he threw Essek that night in Nicodranas.

Sibling: And then it's not about bettering each other... It's about Essek being alone again and Caleb being alone.

Me: However, Essek's insistence that he is sure nothing Caleb has done could compare to what Essek has done does mitigate that risk significantly.  It's just a matter of whether or not Caleb can see that and Essek can be pushy enough to get him to crack.

Sibling: I know Essek has it in him. He can forsake his country's precious artifacts to an opposing nation, he can push his BF to open up to him about his problems. Caleb, on the other hand, has been exceedingly fragile... since you know... GOING BACK TO THE ASYLUM, so I don't know if he's in a state to have that discussion, but if they don't have it soon, by the time Essek talks to him again Trent will probably be dead.

Me: Caleb is pretty blatant about his compartmentalization and deflection.  He feels it's necessary in the current circumstance with the Tomb Takers, but somebody really needs to step up after Lucien's taken out and talk to Caleb about this stuff.  Essek would be ideal because Caleb could benefit the most from Essek's perspective, I think, but really... anyone other than Veth is better than nothing. Going back to the Asylum was very obviously a severe triggering event and NO ONE TALKED ABOUT IT. Like, jfc, guys, Beau is right.  She asked if Caleb was even capable of working alongside Trent, and Caleb said yes (if he thought it was necessary), but we all, WE ALL know that he can't.  Not after that disaster.

Sibling: Especially because both Veth and Jester saw him go straight into "OH GOD WE'RE GOING TO DIE, HE'S HERE AND WE'RE GOING TO DIE, I'M GOING TO KILL HIM BEFORE HE HURTS ANYONE" and they were like "he can probably handle this"

Me: He was already borderline in that headspace BEFORE Trent showed up.

Sibling: And then afterward, he went straight into a dangerous self-destructive spiral. Like... I know we've said this before but thank GOD for that failed persuasion check.

Me: That nat 1 was poetry on so many levels. On a meta level the sheer luck of it was a delight, but within the context of the story I think it was great that Essek is just like... "No.  I am not crossing this line, not even for you."

Sibling: It worked narratively, meta-narratively, and saved Matt from having to draw up a bunch of ambush situations made by Volstruckers when Trent inevitably backstabbed them.

Me: Can you imagine poor Matt trying to play the Tomb Takers, Trent, Astrid, Wulf, and Essek... AND Charlie/Devexien?

Sibling: He already forgets to play Essek, and he only had a few NPCs to deal with.

Me: Even purely from a gameplay standpoint, can you imagine all the loot they Nein would lose in Aeor if they had brought scourgers with them? What if they found that dunamis machine?

Sibling: EXACTLY.

.

Convo ended here, but I had some more thoughts.  It was just too late to keep talking.  For example, I like FjordxJester and BeauxYasha.  I think they are actually complicated relationships but they just haven't really had the room to be deeply explored/examined, for example.  I also did not go into nearly as much detail about my thoughts on VaxxShaun as I would have liked to mostly because that ship wasn't the point of the discussion. ... oh god how do I even tag this?

#critical role #critrole #critical role spoilers #critrole spoilers #caleb widogast #essek thelyss #shadowgast #jester lavorre

[pixieposts]

Bad Things Bingo

AO3

The first fill I did for my BTHB card was: Mouth Stitched Shut!

TWs: Description of injuries Blood Referenced PTSD symptoms

Fjord paced the dinning room again, the same way he had every day for the last month. If he wasn’t pacing then he was searching, and if he wasn’t searching than he was training. Anything to trick his brain into believing they were making some kind of progress towards getting Caleb back.

“You’re going to wear a groove into the floor.”

“We should just go get him”

“He’s in literally the most secure place in the Empire Fjord, you remember how well that went last time.”

“We got out, didn’t we? He’d do it for us!”

“I’m with Fjord on this one” Beau growled from the where she was sitting with her feet up on the table “we managed it last time, we can do it again.”

“We barely managed it last time” Jester corrected her, taking her hand gently “we could totally have died in there, we almost got stuck.”

He felt the frustration burn in his chest; they were missing the point! Beau was the only one who got it, the fact that they knew how bad the place was made it even more important that they go.

“Yeah, and how do you think—”

Before he could finish his sentence, there was a familiar popping sound from the front hall. They looked at each other briefly before jumping up and bolting for the door. Standing in the hall were three figures, well, two were standing while they held the other up. Fjord summoned Star Razor immediately, stepping closer to the trio.

“Wait” Eodwulf’s voice was rough, almost desperate “please, we cannot stay, or he will notice our absence.”

They stepped forward, pushing the unconscious Caleb towards him as he dropped Star Razor back into the ether. He caught Caleb, wrapping an arm tightly around him and supporting his weight as he slumped against Fjord's chest.

“Please, we got him out as soon as we could, help him.”

“Wha—” Beau started forward, but before she could reach them, they had disappeared again.

Fjord paused for a moment as the air settled, Caleb’s scarf fluttering slightly on the hook it still occupied. Caleb stirred slightly against him, and he tightened his hold automatically, leaning to lift Caleb into his arms.

“Fucking hells” Beau cursed, and Fjord couldn’t help but agree.

Caleb looked awful, deathly pale with deep bruising around his eyes. He was lighter than usual, the bones of his hands clearly defined. It looked as though his nose had been broken and reset at least once, and there was dried blood all over his face and in his hair. The worst part by far though… the part that made Fjords stomach flip in distress and disgust, was his mouth.

Someone (he was sure he knew who) had stitched it closed with some kind of rough spun black cord. Nine neat X’s all the way across, with more blood dried all around it, and dark bruises around each of the punctures.

There was a gagging noise from beside him as Beau looked Caleb over, and a horrified gasp from Jester on his other side. He turned, looking them both in the eye to make sure they would follow, then made his way to the happy room. He laid Caleb on the couch as gently as he could, worried about any unseen injuries he might have hidden under the tattered clothes.

“Beau, get Caduceus… Jester, grab the healers kit from the kitchen, would you?”

They ran off, Beau towards the garden and Jester back down the stairs, as Fjord got Caleb as comfortable as he could. He pulled the blanket off the back of the couch, draping it over Caleb’s shivering form, and tucked his messy hair back behind his ears. Heat seemed to radiate off his skin, and Fjord worried about the possibility of infection. He felt a tug in his chest, a tight sort of pain at the sight of Caleb lying like this. They had been through a lot together, literal death a few times… but there was something particularly difficult about seeing just how much he had been through alone. He hadn’t had any of them to help, no one to lean on or turn to… they had failed him.

Jester got back first, kneeling next to him and popping open the kit. Fjord reached in, grabbing the sharp gauze scissors that were kept in there.

“Oooh” Jester whispered “good idea Fjord! The kitchen scissors are way too big for…for…”

She trailed off, going pale as the reality of Caleb’s issue hit her yet again. Fjord rubbed a hand down her back soothingly for a moment before turning back towards Caleb. He took a breath, steadying his hand as he slid the thin scissor blade under the first X, relieved to see that it fit… though just barely. He was too nervous to try and cut the center of the X, so he settled for just snipping the threads individually. He was halfway through the second one when there was a pounding of feet from the hallway. He held his breath as Jester jumped up, throwing open the door and shushing the others. Caleb didn’t need his hand to slip and add another scar to this new collection. He felt Caduceus and Jester settle next to him again and heard a horrified gasp that he recognized as Veth. Beau was whispering now, explaining what had happened he assumed, but he ignored them. It likely only took a few minutes for him to finished snipping through the cords, but it felt like much longer as he worked from one end of Caleb’s mouth to the other. Jester took the scissors from him and handed him a pair of tweezers automatically. He nodded his thanks and set to work carefully removing the now-loose strings.

Caleb winced as he tugged the middle ones out, brows furrowing in discomfort. Fjord heard himself apologizing, whispering nonsense as he kept going. The others were silent now, watching as he dropped the blood crusted strings to the floor. Finally, finally, it was done.

He sat back, moving on reluctant legs so that Jester could start healing the re-opened punctures. He watched with relief as they closed over, and the other bruises and cuts faded into nothing. Caduceus had stepped in to help as well, healing unseen injuries along Caleb’s torso and limbs, frowning in concern. Once they had done all they could, they stepped back, nodding to the others. They all crowded around the couch, and Fjord reached out, gently pressing a hand to his forehead. The fever he had felt before was gone, and Caleb’s face had relaxed.

“Now what?” Veth asked quietly “he’s still out…”

“He’s been through a lot, maybe we should move him to his bed?” Caduceus mused, looking at Fjord.

He felt a slight shock at being so directly asked what to do… but he shook it off and nodded at Caduceus.

“Yeah, yeah that seems like a good idea… at least he’ll be more comfortable.”

That decided, they stepped back and allowed him space to scoop Caleb up again as gently as he could. Despite his care, Caleb stirred in his arms, eyes fluttering open with a grimace. Everyone froze for a moment as Caleb stared at him, blinking slowly.

“H-hey there Cay… you can go back to sleep if you want, you’re safe now.”

Blue eyes, hazy and confused, stared into his for a moment more before Caleb nodded once, turned his face to press against Fjords shoulder, and shut his eyes again. Fjord stood still as his breathing slowed and evened out, half of him glad that Caleb trusted him enough to fall back to sleep… and half even more concerned about just how much he had gone through in order to be this out of it. He led the group back down the stairs, pausing at the library door so Veth could slip past and open it for him, then open the door to Caleb’s room as well. As he walked in, Veth pulled down the sheets and laid out extra pillows, watching him with concern as he laid Caleb out and pulled the blankets up. He caught her eye and nodded, forcing a tight smile onto his face which she returned. If there was one thing they agreed on, it was keeping Caleb safe and comfortable.

They filed back out of the room, leaving both doors ajar automatically and heading for the dinning room again.

“I’ll go make some tea I think.”

“Wine, definitely wine” Beau added, following Caduceus to the kitchen “to drink… not to make, um...”

The rest of them sat around the large table, expressions ranging from stoic and concerned, to just plain sad. Fjord took a deep breath, sighing as he ran his hands through his hair in frustration. There was nothing else they could do right now, they just had to wait for Caleb to be up and ready to talk.

“This sucks, it just really really sucks you know?” Jester glared at her sketchbook “I am going to send Astrid such a mean message when I figure out what to say.”

“At least they brought him back” Veth ventured “but… yeah, definitely send her something mean… yell at her in infernal or something.”

“I would like to go pay them a visit” Yasha said, her voice that dangerous level of quiet “go and thank them for everything they did.”

“Well, I guess we don’t really know that they like… actually did any of it right? Maybe it was all Icky-Thong”

“Doubt it.”

There was another space of silence as Beau re-emerged with two bottles of wine and a plate covered in glasses. Fjord took one with a nod, sipping slowly at it as Jester went back to writing, occasionally showing the page to Veth. They had been sitting there, talking quietly and trying to calm their nerves for just over an hour when they heard it.

A scream, blood curdling and terrified.

Fjord and Beau were fastest up, both out the door towards the library and Caleb’s room. They burst through and Fjord felt like his heart would break. Caleb had stopped screaming, a hand pressed firmly over his mouth as he sat up in bed with his back to the corner, eyes wide in the dark. Beau lit a candle on the desk as Fjord approached the bed slowly, hands outstretched.

“Alright, you’re alright Cay… we’ve got you, you’re home. Just—just breathe with me okay?”

Caleb stared at him for a moment, fear evident in his face before moving his hand and copying Fjords slow, even breathing. Veth climbed up onto the bed, reaching a hand out questioningly. Caleb seemed skittish but reached a shaking hand back to her slowly. Fjord sat on the edge of the bed, trying to calm his own racing heart as Beau let out a sigh from where she was leaning against the desk. Caduceus walked in, setting a cup of tea quietly on the bedside table and offering Caleb a small smile.

“Perhaps we should ah… take turns saying hello? I think we might be a bit overwhelming all at once.”

“Good idea” Yasha stepped forward, patting Caleb’s knee lightly before whispering a soft “welcome back” and heading out into the library.

Slowly the others did similar, making sure not to move too suddenly, until it was just Caleb, Fjord and Veth left in the room. Fjord watched Caleb the whole time, concern growing like a buzz in his head. Caleb hadn’t spoken a word since he had woken the first time… the only sound he had made was that ungodly scream.

“Is that okay?” Fjord indicated the space next to Caleb on the bed, waiting until he nodded before moving to sit there “Can I get you anything? Does anything hurt?”

Caleb shook his head, but looked down, worrying his bottom lip until it started to bleed and Fjord put out a hand to stop him.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you—are you upset that we didn’t get there faster? I’m so sorry Caleb, we tried but that place is hell to get into and—well you know that I guess—I… I’m just so fucking sorry you had to go through that again.”

Caleb looked back up at him, shaking his head slightly, and Fjord felt his chest constrict. Of course he would be upset with them, they had left him with that monster. Left him to suffer and be in pain all alone again. Caleb seemed to read his expression, because his eyes went wide and he shook his head harder, placing his free hand on Fjords knee and squeezing gently.

“Talk to me Cay, tell me what’s going on in that brain of yours” Fjord pleaded “I want to help.”

Caleb sighed, focussing on where his hand met Fjords leg for a moment. Fjord could tell by his expression that he was trying to decide on something. Eventually, he nodded to himself and looked back up at Fjord. His expression was… almost apologetic, and Fjord was confused.

Until he opened his mouth.

Fjord felt nausea rise in his stomach instantly, followed very closely by a wave of unimaginable anger. Fjord had been angry before, had felt that surge of heat that lead to a particularly good punch or the end of an enemies life… but he had never felt anything like this.

“Veth… go get Jester, quickly”

“What? Why? I thought they--”

“The fucker cut out his tongue Veth”

Veth gave an indignant shriek that made Caleb jump and curl in on himself, mouth snapping shut. Fjord reached out without thinking, wrapping an arm around him and rubbing up and down his arm. Veth’s whispered apologies where the only sound for a few minutes before she climbed off the bed and headed for the library. Fjord pulled Caleb in tighter, squeezing his bicep gently.

“It’s gonna be okay Cay, we’ll get this sorted out, you’re gonna be okay.”

Caleb had stopped shaking by the time Jester poked her head around the doorframe, concern on her face. The look she gave Fjord told him that Veth had explained what was going on already, so he sent her a tight smile. She walked in with much less energy than she usually would have, perching on the bed the way Fjord had initially.

“Hey there Cay-leb” she singsonged quietly “do you might if I take a look? I’m totally sure that me and the Traveller can fix you right up, but I just need to see the um… the damage.”

Fjord felt Caleb go still next to him, and then the light movement of him nodding slowly before he leaned away from him. Relief washed over Jesters face and she scooted closer, carefully concealing whatever negative reaction the sight of Caleb’s tongueless mouth caused in her. She inspected it for a moment, then nodded slightly.

“Oookay, the Traveller totally says we can fix this up… but it might be sort of uncomfortable, okay?”

Caleb sent her a look that clearly indicated that he was already uncomfortable, so this couldn’t be much worse. She smiled at him, a softer version of her usual beam, and laid her fingertips against his cheek.

“Promise my hands are like super-duper clean.”

He closed his mouth but nodded. Fjord could have sworn he could feel the nervous energy coming off Caleb. He moved close again, setting a hand between Caleb’s shoulder blades. Caleb’s eyes darted to him, and he could see gratefulness there… but also fear. Fjord frowned slightly, Caleb wasn’t afraid of pain, he had never shied away from it before… And he had definitely never been nervous about healing. Something was wrong, it set Fjords nerves on edge, either some kind of instinct or just having spent so much time around Caleb made him certain this was—there was something very wrong.

As the pink and green glimmer of Jesters magic started, the fear in Caleb's eyes only grew more pronounced. His hand flew out and clung to Fjord's knee as his breathing picked up speed. Fjord rubbed his back, feeling at a complete loss as he watched the panic set in. Caleb’s heartbeat was pounding rabbit-fast beneath his skin, his pupils dilating in too-wide eyes. Not knowing what else to do, Fjord set his free hand over where Caleb’s was clinging to his knee. Caleb gripped it tight, and he squeezed back when Caleb’s nails bit into the skin of his palm. After two minutes the glimmer faded and Jester pulled her hands away. There were tears on her cheeks now as Caleb flinched away from her, still breathing too fast. Fjord sent her a grateful look, and she sniffled as she responded with a sad smile.

“I’m sorry Caleb” she whispered as she stood up “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Caleb was shaking now, shifting back towards the wall with Fjord's hand still clutched in his own. Fjord turned to Jester and shook his head.

“You’re alright Jes, I don’t think even he knew… you know he doesn’t mean it”

“I—yeah I totally do, I just don’t want him to be like… scared of me” she looked at Caleb, then back to Fjord “I’m gonna go, let him calm down and stuff”

“Okay, thanks Jes.”

She left, closing the door behind her with a soft click, and Fjord turned to fully face Caleb on the bed. The semi-darkness of the room cast him in shadow, tucked away in the corner like he was, blue eyes glowing in the candlelight. Fjord shifted forward slightly, moving into Caleb’s space and taking his other hand gently.

“Can you talk to me Cay?”

Caleb opened and shut his mouth a few times, before shaking his head with another violent shiver. Fjord could see easily enough that Jesters spell had worked… but the panic was still in his eyes. He chewed his lip for a moment, then nodded slowly.

“Okay, that’s alright darlin’ you don’t have to talk. Let’s just breathe a bit yeah? Nice and slow” Fjord demonstrated and smiled when Caleb started to copy him “there, just like that. Squeeze my hands if you need to, I’ve got you.”

It took the better part of a half hour before Caleb was calm again, his hands loose in Fjords. Fjord smiled encouragingly at him, earning a small smile in return.

“That better?”

Caleb nodded, then looked down at the bed. Fjord could see the colour rising in his cheeks and held back a sigh.

“Nothing to be embarrassed about Cay, you’ve been through hell again… there was no way to know how you would react.”

Caleb looked up at him with an expression that, to Fjord anyway, clearly said he surprised and confused by Fjord picking up on why he was embarrassed. Fjord just smiled again, feeling his own expression soften as it so often did around Caleb.

“We spend enough time together; I know what you’re like.” He chuckled as Caleb glared half-heartedly, lips pursed in a familiar annoyed expression “Don’t give me that face, I’m right and you know it. Now c’mon, you should eat something if you’re feeling up to it.”

Caleb nodded, allowing Fjord to support him as they stood up. He went to open the door, only to feel a slight tug on his other hand. He turned to find Caleb standing very close and tried to slow his heartbeat. Now was not the time for silly infatuation, Caleb was going through enough. He focussed on Caleb’s expression, on the subtle way his eyebrows quirked, the tightness in his jaw.

“They won’t mind Cay, they’re just glad to have you back same as me. We were worried sick while you were gone and… well, if you’re not up to talking yet then don’t talk. We’ll make it work right?”

His jaw relaxed, and Fjord felt the brush of the familiar scar across his palm.

“We understand each other”

Caleb’s eyes widened minutely, and he seemed to be searching Fjord's expression. For a moment, he was certain he had given himself away… but as usual the moment passed, and Caleb just nodded. The others had moved from the library it seemed, but once they got into the hallway the sound of hushed voices reached their ears. Caleb’s hand slipped from his as they reached the entryway, and Fjord fought down a disappointed sigh, leading the way in. The others were clustered around the table, most sitting in chairs, but some sitting on the table in stead. They looked up uncertainly, tentative smiles all around (other than Caduceus, who wore his usual serene expression). Caleb shrank back slightly, bumping into Fjord's chest in the process.

“Good news Jes, it worked.”

“That’s super awesome Caleb, I’m glad” her smile still wasn’t quite it’s usual brightness, tempered by the apologetic look in her eyes “I really am sorry I scared you though, really.”

Fjord watched as Caleb shook his head smiling ruefully, he didn’t blame her of course. Fjord figured he was probably still blaming himself for whatever that bastard Ikithon had done. The concerned looks had returned to everyone’s faces when Caleb didn’t immediately respond. Fjord steered him towards the table, pulling out a chair next to Cad and smiling encouragingly at him.

“I’m starved, I’m gonna grab something for both of us from the kitchen.”

“I’ll help” Beau said immediately, standing to follow him.

He looked back over his shoulder to see Caleb watching him, brows furrowed and hands fidgeting in his lap. He felt a tug of guilt in his chest, but he pushed it down, he was just getting lunch… not abandoning him with enemies. Beau’s arm crossed his vision, shutting the door and blocking his view of the dinning room.

“What the fuck happened?”

“No idea… well—” he paused “I have some theories… but he hasn’t confirmed anything.”

“Has he said anything since he freaked out at Jester?”

“Nothing, and I don’t plan to push him to do so.”

She stared at him, sharp eyes searching his face as he crossed his arms and frowned. He meant it; he wasn’t going to push Caleb. Clearly, he had been through enough, he didn’t need them pressuring him too. Beau seemed to come to the same conclusion, sighing and turning to grab some food out of the icebox.

“Fine, yeah. He’ll talk when he’s ready I guess.” She handed him a plate “and until then I guess we just—”

The door to the kitchen flew open with a loud crack, and Caleb stood, eyes wide and face pale. Fjord set the plate down and stepped towards Caleb.

“Cay…”

Caleb just shook his head; he was shaking all over again and Fjords heart sank at the sight. What the hell had Ikithon done to him? Beau took the plates and stepped past them, whispering a quiet word to Caleb as she did.

“What happened?” Fjord asked, stepping closer slowly “Cay?”

Caleb swallowed and looked behind him, towards the table where the others were still sitting. Veth was standing next to where Caleb had been, holding his spell book and component pouch. Fjord furrowed his brow and turned back to Caleb.

“Want us to put those away for a while?”

Caleb gave one jerky nod, wrapping his arms around his own torso protectively as his eyes wandered back to the book he had loved for as long as Fjord had known him. Fjord wondered just how many times a persons heart could break on another’s behalf.

“Alright, come sit down and try to eat something… I’ll go put them away.”

Caleb looked back at him, blue eyes full of an awful mix of sadness and gratitude. Beau came back over, tugging Caleb over to where she had sat the plates and sitting with him. Fjord made his way to Veth, who held out the book and pouch sadly.

“I… thought he would be happy to have them back… I found them in the front hall after Eodwulf and Astrid poofed.”

“It’s not your fault, he usually would have loved it… whatever Ikithon did this time around really fucked with him” he paused, settling a hand on her shoulder “you did a kind thing Veth, I think he just needs some comfort right now, no one does that as well as you.”

She gave him a weak smile but headed over to where Caleb and Beau were sitting. He left the room, pausing in the hall to try and decide where the best spot to put them away. He made his way into the library, scouted out a spot high up enough that Caleb wouldn’t notice it without actively looking. Temporary contraband stowed away, he found himself moving immediately back to the dining room. There was a pull, stronger than even his usual pull towards Caleb; some deep-rooted instinct that was yelling at him to get back there.

He needs you.

----

A week went by, and Caleb still wouldn’t speak.

Jester and Veth were beside themselves, trying to coax him into it as kindly as possible, while Yasha and Beau had taken to trying to work with him. Admittedly, working with him looked different for each of them.

Yasha would sit in the quiet with him and learned to respond to a lot of the non-verbal cues he had developed; they had taken to spending the afternoons in the garden with Cad, who also seemed fine to just let Caleb sit.

Beau took a more… active role, vocalizing anything that the others hadn’t picked up on yet, and having conversations with him despite being the only one talking.

The one habit they had all picked up, without exception, was coming to Fjord when they weren’t able to understand or help Caleb themselves. When he spaced out and couldn’t be contacted? Fjord. When he would start to shake around anything arcane? Fjord.

When his eyes went glassy and his breathing picked up, and no one could calm him? Yep, Fjord.

Not that Fjord minded, he had taken to sleeping in the library in fact, just to be sure that he was there when (not if: when) Caleb woke screaming.

The screams and incoherent Zemnian babbling in the dark of the night were the only sounds he had made.

Fjord worried, he worried about Caleb’s sleep, and he worried about Caleb’s eating (he wasn’t doing enough of it, in Fjord's opinion). He worried about the awful, banded scars around his wrists, and the tiny puncture scars around his lips. The scarring didn’t seem to hurt, but Fjord had never liked seeing new ones on the wizard to begin with.

They had quiet moments too of course, Fjord would sit with Caleb pressed against his side while they read or go for little walks around the neighborhood. As long as Fjord was there, Caleb seemed calm. He tried not to look too deep into that fact, this wasn’t the time for it.

Near the end of the first week, Essek came by. Luckily, Beau caught him at the door and seemed to go over everything with him. The concern on his face was visible even from the other room as he immediately stopped floating, popped his bag into existence, and hung up his mantel before coming in.

“Good evening everyone, I hope I am not interrupting?”

There was a general call of greeting from the others assembled there, even Caleb looked up and offered a small smile. Essek came and sat down, searching Caleb’s face for a moment before smiling sadly at him.

“It is good to see you back Caleb, I am sorry I did not come to say hello sooner.”

Caleb smiled back and shook his head in a way that said Essek shouldn’t worry about it, which he seemed to understand.

“I brought… well, I brought a few things over, but I worry this may not be a good time for them now…” pale purple eyes turned to Fjord questioningly, and he shrugged. The only way to find out was to try. Essek nodded, reaching into the bag and pulling out a stack of three books. He laid them tentatively in front of Caleb, who eyed them curiously. Fjord felt his heart skip at the sight, Caleb looked almost like himself again.

“This one” Essek taped the first book “is a rare history of the Dynasty, before the Calamity” he shuffled the book off to the side “this one… you may not like right now, but please feel free to hold onto it as long as you like. It is a book of Dunamancy, higher levels than we had been working on before.” He paused to see how Caleb would react, and the whole room seemed to hold its breath.

But… Caleb picked it up, examining the inlaid title for a moment before turning to give Essek another tentative smile.

There was a collective release of breath, and Fjord rubbed his hand up and down Caleb’s spine briefly in congratulations. Essek was beaming, or as close to it as he ever got, and he reached out to tap the last book. It was plain black leather, well made but with no title across the front.

“This one… well, it is nothing quite so exciting I suppose, but I noticed that your secondary notebook seemed to be getting full last time we were together. The paper is not spell quality, but as a journal or for note taking before transcription…” he trailed off, cheeks a darker purple than usual and eyes locked on the cover of the smaller book.

“Thank you.”

Caleb’s voice shocked the room, it was rough from disuse, and quieter than usual. But he was looking at Essek, smiling at him, as he traded the magic tome for the empty notebook. He fought back a frown at the way Essek’s face brightened as he nodded. Caleb looked down, the rounded tips of his ears going red as he pulled the book to his chest protectively.

Fjord didn’t get jealous, he didn’t.

He just… maybe he did a little bit.

----

Three more weeks, it had been a month in total since Caleb came home.

Things had improved, at least a little bit.

He still didn’t speak most of the time, still woke in the night screaming, and hadn’t cast so much as Dancing Lights. But... most of the time is not the same as always, or never. He spoke to Fjord in the night, when he couldn’t sleep, and Fjord would sit holding him the same way he had that first day. He told him of his nightmares, a few snippets of what had happened to him bleeding through into his unconscious mind. It hurt to hear, but Fjord listened.

One such night, Fjord sat with his arm wrapped snug around Caleb's shoulders, and his free hand clenched in both of Caleb's, humming softly as he came back to himself. It had been a bad one, Fjord knew that by the way Caleb had hidden from him, tucked deep into the farthest corner of his bed and barely visible in the dark room.

“I... I am sorry Fjord”

He still whispered most of the time, and Fjord's name sounded more like a prayer than anything else.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for Cay, you know that”

“You say it, but I--” he stopped, hand twitching slightly around Fjords “I still... I am not--”

“You’re not who you were when they took you?”

“How can I be?”

“Without magic? Or with the added nightmares? Or because talking is difficult?”

Caleb shrugged against him as if to say all of the above and Fjord nodded.

“I get that, but here’s the thing Cay” he pulled away slightly, so he could look him in the eyes “you’re still you. I know you don’t feel like it right now, but that’s alright. You didn’t feel like you when you met Veth did you? Or when you met us, all covered in mud and just looking for any excuse to run off.” He leaned it, resting his forehead against Caleb's “I still see the same good man I saw back on the ocean, I still see the ridiculous genius who can backwards engineer magic he didn’t even know existed weeks before. You’re still here darlin’, I see you, you’ve just hidden for a bit” he smiled slightly as Caleb's cheeks darkened “no one blames you for tucking yourself away, and we’ll be here when you’re ready to come back to yourself.”

He leaned back, giving Caleb more space to think over what he had said. His thumb was tracing little swishing movements against the inside of Fjords wrist as he thought, until he finally spoke again.

“If I cannot?”

“Then we’ll help you figure out who this new Caleb is, and love you just the same”

Caleb's lips parted in a little “o” of surprise, and Fjords heart seemed to constrict in his chest as the surprise shifted into a small, grateful smile.

“Danke Fjord, truly”

“Anytime sweetheart”

----

Something shifted after that night, some fearful part of Caleb seemed eased. He tried to talk more, spent more time out of the house with the others. He even started casting again, small spells like Dancing Lights and Find Familiar at first... but that was something. Frumpkin had been overjoyed to be back with his master and followed Caleb everywhere. The mood of the house had lightened extraordinarily, Caleb’s growing happiness infecting everyone. He had picked up the Dunamancy book, and read through it in a day, even making notes on which spells he wanted to discuss with Essek later. Fjord had come to terms with the fact that once Caleb was feeling more himself, their nighttime talks would end... along with the comfortable closeness that they had developed.

Simply put, Caleb wouldn’t need him anymore.

That thought was bittersweet, because of course he was overjoyed to see Caleb healing, talking, casting... doing all the things that made him happy and made him feel like himself again. But if he was honest, and he could be honest with himself at least, he would miss the way Caleb turned to him when he was looking to be understood, or comforted...or held. He would miss that quiet intimacy of always knowing what he was thinking.

Of course, he mused as he flicked through one of the few fiction books they owned one evening, he would still know most of the time... the thing he would miss would be the ability to act on it. The chance to reach out.

He sighed, turning the page and debating just heading to bed early. He would have to start sleeping in his own room again, he supposed.

“May I join you?”

Fjord looked up and smiled, nodding at Caleb as he smiled back. He settled on the couch next to Fjord, who balanced his book on his knee and threw one arm over the back of the couch. Caleb shifted close, book in his lap as he leaned over to peek at what he had been reading.

“Fairytales?”

“Wasn’t in the mood for history, and you know your magic books are incomprehensible to the rest of us” he teased, turning to look into eyes that only looked more magical up close “so, fairytales it is”

“A good choice” he said quietly, reaching out to tap the page “though I never thought you were much of a romantic”

“I could be, if the opportunity arose”

“It has not?” there was a teasing tone to his voice now, matching the little smirk “I am surprised”

Fjord shrugged, there wasn’t much he could say here without just completely giving himself away... if he hadn’t already. Caleb searched his face, and his expression softened before he shifted to lean against Fjords side and opened his own book. They read quietly for a while, the soft sound of pages turning and the crackle of the fireplace the only noise. Maybe he could still have this after all? Caleb seemed just as comfortable as he had lately, maybe these quiet moments could continue.

“I... have been thinking about what you said” Caleb whispered, his hand stilling on the page “about seeing who I am now” he clarified.

“Oh? Do you have some ideas?”

“I think I am... who I was, to a point” he shifted to look up at Fjord “but I have been thinking...”

“You’ve always done a lot of that” Fjord teased, letting the fondness slip into his voice

“Ha-ha” Caleb poked his thigh and rolled his eyes “I mean specifically about—about changes, and how much this has shown me about what I want to be”

“And what is that?”

“Yours”

Fjord stared; eyes wide as he processed the statement. He had to have misheard, or Caleb meant something else or... but Caleb was smiling at him, waiting as the gears turned in his head. Caleb was giving him the same look that Fjord knew he wore when he knew exactly what was going on in Caleb’s head.

“Mine?”

“Yes, if you’ll have me” he stated, rather than asking.

“That wasn’t a question”

“I know”

Bright, sparkling warm joy bubbled in his chest and he found himself smiling along with Caleb as he leaned in and rested their foreheads together. They sat that way for a moment, before Caleb tilted his head forward and captured Fjord with a kiss. Fjord slid the hand that had been on the back of the couch up into Caleb's hair to cup the back of his head as one of Caleb’s hands came to rest against his jaw. The warm slide of their lips had Fjord's head spinning, and by the time they broke apart he was sure he had forgotten how to breathe. Caleb smiled at him fondly, thumb stroking his cheekbone lightly as he spoke:

“Then we understand each other.”

“We always do.”

#Bad Things Happen Bingo #BTHB #Mouth Stitched Shut #Hurt/comfort #brief description of injuries #referenced ptsd #widofjord #caleb widogast #fjord #critical role fanfiction

[spoiler1001]

This is how it ended. A bloody battle. No Trent. No war. Just Caleb, surrounded by the faces of his loved ones.

Caleb almost laughed bitterly. Yes, he was surrounded by loved ones on both sides of this. If this were astrid or Eodwulf it would be kinder.

As is, the city that deserted their own reckoning rose from the blood of the Tomb Takers. Every slash that drew their blood dropped onto the floor. The icy stone was slick and everyone's boots gained a new reddish mark painting the bottom of their shoes. Caleb's hair slipped out of his tie. It passed his shoulders now. Ikithon would have a shit fit if he saw it. Fuck Ikithon.

The Tomb Takers fell suspiciously easily. They seemed almost willing to do so. Of course they were. They trusted this city. These philosophers. They really were the Assembly of their time. They used and sucked the free will out of their pupils all the same. Only Lucien stood out of all of them left. 

There was a silence that filled the room. The Tomtakers laid towards the center of the room. The Mighty Nein stood around the border of it. Caleb was separated from the others with rocks blocking the view and the others being blocked in by falling rocks. Lucien kept his eyes on Caleb. Caleb raised his hand to summon a spell, for it to sizzle at his fingertips and turn to smoke. Lucien smiled, cocking his head to the side. His tail swished like a cat sizing up his prey. That's all he was to Lucien. Someone that was beneath him, but still a person that he wanted to deal with personally. Caleb blinked weakly at Lucien.

"You are mine!" Lucien drew his rapier. 

"I've always been."  Caleb whispered.

Lucien slashed at Caleb, his expression unreadable. He was cold, numbed. The neutral expression. Caleb wondered if that's what he looked like when he killed his parents.

"You clever asshole. You undermined me at every opportunity. You showed off and condescended towards me. I actually liked you." Lucien chuckled. His footsteps were uneven and he was covered in blood and bruises. Blood dripped from the corner off his mouth. It was the mirror image of when Molly confronted Lorenzo. Lucien swiped at Caleb but slid, missing him. Caleb pitied Lucien, he realized. 

Caleb was staring at an opportunity to meet the raven queen. So was Lucien, really. But Caleb was still himself. This wasn't Lucien anymore. Molly was gone, and he took humility with him.

Lucien hissed and grabbed the back of Caleb's head. They were centimeters apart from each other. Caleb looked Lucien in the eye. 

"You could have been something with us." Lucien hissed.

"I'm happy being myself." Caleb just smiled. 

Lucien hissed, dropping his rapier. He pulled out a dagger, the coloring that brought to mind the carnival glass. The tip was jagged and some places were dulled. There was a hook placed around the handle and Lucien gripped it. Lucien went pale but still was looking at him with a neutral face. Caleb kept the eye contact through the pain of a blade going between his ribs. 

"May you find your peace." Caleb just rasped out, coughing. He went limp, never closing his eyes. Before nothing overtook him, he saw Lucien's mask slip, with tears building in his eyes. Lucien pulled away, falling backwards as Caleb crumbled.

The city became louder and louder. All of the members of the Mighty Nein could hear it, not Just Beau. The snow was melting and the group as a whole could now see the whole room. Caduceus saw it first. Then Fjord. Jester yelled. Veth froze. The city was forming to the side of their gaze. The group was focused on the still form of Caleb Widogast. His blue eyes were open, but he looked at nothing. Veth rushed over. Blood soaked into her coat and she grabbed his head.

"He's still warm." She whispered. Hot tears fell down her cheeks despite the cold. "We can fix this!" Veth looked at the clerics. "You can fix him!" Jester nodded but she was in shock. 

"T-the Traveler can help what about-" Jester knelt down and looked at Caleb. 

"Don't worry about it. Focus on Caleb." Artagon himself seemed to form besides Jester. He looked over his shoulder and flashes of white lights blinked behind them. Caduceus looked at what was happening. 

The woman from the Traveler-con and a male of elven descent with a fungus on the side of his face  were slashing at the malleable blood stone it seemed to be breaking at the slightest touch.

Artagon had Jester's bag and handed her a diamond.

Jester took a deep breath, steadying herself. She whispered softly and the diamond shattered. The shattered pieces turned golden hot and sunk into Caleb. 

Nothing happened. There was no breath. No blinking. He was still gone. Veth screamed.

"He just needs some more convincing." The elven man whispered. Artagon nodded.

"And what do you suggest?" Artagon asked.

"Give him a reason to come back. Give him…" The elven man trailed off, listening. "Give him redemption. There are many sins he seems to regret and now...it looks like you may get two friends out of this." 

"Isn't the Raven Queen against-" Fjord spoke up.

"Fate is Malleable. You will have to figure it out." The man smiled and went back to slashing the stone. The divine magic seemed to be more efficient as the Somnoven were sliced away. Jester pulled out another diamond. She did the same spell but whispered something into his ear.  Nothing. 

"We all need to do this. Tell him something that would convince him to come back." Jester sighed.

Veth whispered something into Caleb's temple. Caduceus hesitated. Then he took some of the moss on his armor and smeared it over his chest in the shape of a heart. Fjord took a second and grabbed Caleb's hand. The room got hotter and hotter until the ice started to crack. The city finally shattered in one last scream. Beau jerked and grabbed her hand. The red eyes were fading but it was hot, searing against the scar from the acid. It was over. The eye was gone. Beau knelt down and hugged Caleb. Yasha ripped off a piece of her cloth and tied his hair back.

A moment passed. Then two. Caleb was breathing, and his eyes flickered closed. 

"One more person has to say something, but he does have a tether in this realm." The elven man nodded before fading into the shadows. The avatar of the Moonweaver stepped up to the group. "You will not be alone in this." She whispered, before fading into a blinding light. 

Jester finally looked over to Lucien. His eyes were still open, head tilted to look Caleb in the eyes. He was pale, bruises locked into his skin and tears streaked out from the corner of his eyes. His chest was still but even given everything, it was obvious that Lucien was dead.

"Caduceus, i want to go home. The hotel where my mother works will be sufficient for this but I want out of here." Jester looked up at Caduceus, who nodded and grabbed as many as he could to teleport to his lighthouse. Jester grabbed the rest and teleported to the hotel. 

-----------

Marion Lavorre was welcoming, despite less than happy circumstances. She let Caleb have the best room. Caleb slept for a long time. A week passes as Artagon and Jester, with a diamond slowly disintegrating. The two of them built Molly back piece by piece. They had to carve out the Molly part of the soul.it was jagged, fragile so they regrettably had to use Lucien's to stabilize it. The eyes of nine were gone, showing that Molly had tried to cover the eyes with blue ink, but it never worked. It was there now. 

Molly opened his eyes. He was shaking and there was one word that he shouted when he woke up. 

"Run!" Molly shouted at the tip of his tongue. 

Jester sat back and was quiet. The weight in her chest was heavy as Molly looked around. Molly finally looked over to Jester and took a deep breath. 

"You're alive!" Molly smiled. Jester just nodded. 

"A lot happened after you died. But Molly, something happened." Jester sighed. 

"Who's hurt?" Molly nodded and grabbed her hand. Jester just grabbed him and pulled him towards the room. Yasha was there keeping watch. 

Jester pulled away. "I'll tell Essek." 

She left in a hurry. 

Yasha looked at Molly. She was frozen. Her jaw was open and she just stared. Molly looked at her. "I'm back Yasha." 

"Molly?" She asked. Molly just nodded. 

Yasha pulled Molly into a bone crushing hug. She was crying. Molly was crying. He looked over to the bed and oh. 

Caleb laid in the bed, under sheets made of warm materials. 

Memories forced its way into his mind. Molly gasped as the memory of his familiar blade slicing into Caleb's chest. Molly collapsed in Yasha's arms. Tears filled his eyes as the realization of this moment. There was no context in his mind. There was just the image of this moment and Caleb wishing him peace. 

Molly wrapped his tail around his own leg. 

"It's ok. It's going to be ok." Yasha promised. Molly slipped away and stumbled his way to Caleb's bedside. He was so pale…

Molly cupped Caleb's cheek. He was warm, there was a pulse and he was breathing. He just wasn't lively. Molly let tears fall.

"I shouldn't be the thing that extinguishes you. You're so bright, so powerful. There should be time for everything later." Molly whispered and placed a kiss on Caleb's forehead. 

Caleb took a deep breath and opened his eyes. "Is this peace?" 

Molly looked at him and held his breath. 

"Molly…?" Caleb's eyebrows bunched up. 

Molly just nodded. "I'm here." 

The bedroom door opened and Jester walked in with a drow elf. The elf rushed to Caleb's side and Molly backed away. Caleb reached for him but Molly was out of reach. The rest of the group, barr Fjord, jumped into the room. They all stormed the bed to see Caleb slowly wake up. 

Molly walked out of the room. Fjord was standing in the hallway. The weapons Molly could vaguely feel connected to and the dagger that Molly had full memories of were hanging off of Fjord's belt. Molly could understand that. He went back to the room Jester woke him up in. The bed was made and Molly laid down to try to rest.

-------------

Molly was deep in sleep when a knock on his door was heard. He was groggy but was awakened by it enough to open the door. Caleb was face to face with Molly, inches apart.

"You left." Caleb said simply. There was no anger or hurt. This was just a fact. Molly couldn't look Caleb in the eye. "I wanted you there."

"I didn't want to crowd you." Molly whispered. 

"Bullshit." Caleb sighed. "I don't blame you for this. I barely blame Lucien. I blame myself for allowing you to die." 

Molly flinched. "You didn't stab me." 

"But I lead the mission." Caleb sighed. Molly was able to get a look at Caleb and Molly noted that Caleb looked good. Better than he remembered. He had pants on, but no shirt, covered by a blanket that Caleb was holding like a cape. Molly took a step back and Caleb stepped through. "I missed you so much." Caleb's voice cracked. "Can I sleep here, so when I wake up, I'll immediately know you're still here." 

Molly just nodded. "I'll stay until you tell me otherwise." 

Caleb finally relaxed and laid on the bed, under the covers and his own makeshift cape, and Molly, with trembling hands, laid in the bed, only to be grabbed and held by Caleb. 

"I love you Mollymauk. I wish I could have told you before." Caleb whispered into Molly's chest. 

Molly wept. "One day I will earn that and will say it back to you." 

#critical role #caleb widogast #mollymauk tealeaf #lucien critical role #cr spoilers #widomauk #tw blood #tw death #tw murder

[sociallyawkwardfoxwriter]

Blumendrie/widofjord: Fjord wants his proposal to Caleb to be perfect, and well why not figure out the zemnian traditions if there are any and well Fjord could only really ask Astrid or Eadwulf or both, for how since he can't exactly ask Caleb and well the two of them aren't just going to let anyone marry Bren, even if he is a good man. Fjord has to pass their test and prove himself before they will help him propose. (bonus points if the test is like playing scrabble since he makes Caleb happy)

They just can’t help but like him. Still gotta work for it.

Enjoy!

"Thanks for meeting with me. I know you're both busy."

With a low hum, Astrid gave a dismissive wave of her hand. "There's no need for that. I think we've known each other long enough at this point for that not to be necessary. Although, I will admit it's curious that you asked us not to tell Caleb. Why the secrecy?"

"I was kind of hoping we could build up to that, but I, uh," While he managed to maintain eye contact with her, he couldn't stop himself from nervously shifting in his seat. "I wanted to ask for your help with something and Caleb being here would have made that difficult."

"What would that be?"

"Well, I've been thinking about something for a while now and I think we're at a place where it's reasonable to ask, but I don't... I don't want to do it wrong. I want to make it special and meaning and I'm really hoping you're willing to help because I have no idea who else I would even ask."

"And what is this something?"

"I want to propose."

A low chuckle from Eodwulf earned him an elbow to the ribs as Astrid leaned forward with her eyes narrowed. "Why not ask Jester? I'm sure she has plenty of ideas."

"I'm sure she does, but she doesn't know any Zemnian traditions. I don't know if there are any, but I want to make sure I include them if there are. Are there?"

"A few."

"Really?"

"Of course." Astrid's smile turned into a smirk as she raised a hand to flag down a server. "There are many Zemnian traditions, like drinking."

"I think that's a universal one."

"That's good, then you might stand a chance."

"Of?"

"Information doesn't come free. If you want to incorporate Zemnian traditions into your proposal, you'll have to earn them. A drinking contest seems fair."

His eyes quickly flitted from Astrid's smirk to Eodwulf's amused smile and back to be sure they weren't fucking with him. "I'm not sure about that. I've seen Caleb drink. No one that skinny should be able to drink that much and still remain upright."

"Changing your mind?"

"No!"

"Then drinking it is."

"Against both of you?"

"You're asking for our help."

"What happens if I lose?"

"You said you don't know anyone else that can help you," After giving an order for an obscene amount of drinks, Astrid turned back to him. "so I guess you'll be out of luck. Don't fuck it up."

"If I do, will you at least promise me you won't let me propose to him while I'm drunk?"

"You already have a ring?"

For a moment, he hesitated to answer, then he placed the ring box on the table and waited for Astrid to flick open the lid. "Is it okay?"

"He's going to love it, Fjord. You still have to earn what we know."

"I know."

"Good, because we're not going to take it easy on you just because we like you."

"You like me?"

"Don't let it get to your head."

#masked-prompter #critical role #widofjord #past blumentrio #fjord #astrid #eodwulf #teasing #conversation #prompt fill #fanfic

[salamoonder]

OKAY LET’S TALK ABOUT CALEB.

he is NOT doing well yall; let’s get the elephant in the room out in the open. this island is traumatic. he’s been extremely quiet since they arrived on rumblecusp. i can’t think of a single conversation he’s had that lasted longer than twenty seconds. he’s been scratching at his scars almost constantly. he’s been literally physically tense. if you go back and watch 102, there is a moment where liam, ooc, is SUPER excited about matt introducing dinosaurs to the island, and it makes the snap back to caleb absolutely dizzying because he goes very clenched-teeth-muscles-coiled tense. we go from liam’s body language, which is very open and relaxed, to caleb immediately closing up. (i’ll go back and edit this to include the timestamp when we have the youtube video).

caleb is processing a ton of stuff right now. in game it’s only been about a month since they last saw trent and it has been less than a month since essek’s betrayal, and i’m willing to bet that he is replaying that counterspell moment and thinking “what if i had failed and fjord had died permanently”, because caleb motivates himself with personal guilt. he is in a baaaad headspace.

and yet....the necklace. the necklace. let’s just think for a moment about the necklace and what it symbolizes.

we know he’s not supposed to have it. he stole it for his own protection as opposed to having it gifted to him at graduation; i think that if the timeline were fudged a little bit and he had been gifted it then gone rogue after graduation, he would’ve gotten rid of it much sooner, maybe around 49, out of pure shame and or guilt and said fuck the consequences. but up to this point, it has still been useful to him in hiding himself and feeling secure, and although it is still a symbol of his time in training, i think the fact that it was stolen lessens the weight of such a symbol. regardless: the necklace means protection and safety, but it also means trent, and on top of that it means astrid and eodwulf and what he could have been, whether being a vollstrecker means failure or success. (caleb’s brain is math brain; he weighs all of his options against each other.)

up until now, the protection and safety of the necklace has, i think, outweighed all else. the fact that he’s just given it up gives us a variety of options, in my mind:

1) now that he knows that trent knows for sure that he is alive and who he travels with, the bad associations of the necklace far outweigh the protection it was giving

2) he has come to trust in the m9 enough that he knows that their protection will more than make up for the protection of the necklace, rendering it useless

3) the protection of the necklace no longer has any value for him; or, at least, its value is not enough to combat the negative associations of the necklace. (ie. he would rather be unprotected than keep that tie to his past).

4) he believes he longer deserves the protection granted him by the necklace (ie. he thinks he no longer deserves the peace of mind he got from it OR he actively wishes that trent/the empire/etc would hunt him down)

5) he is willing to give up the protection of the necklace in order to be more easily traceable by someone or something (ie. astrid or eodwulf)

i think this is the lowest we’ve seen caleb in a while, and i can see it pushing him to either wonderful or terrible things. or both.

my main point is that he is walking a very fine line between bravery and trust (1 + 2) and self destruction/outright passive suicidal tendencies (3-5).

in conclusion: critrolestats is the best, not having talks hurts like a motherfucker, and as always i am very interested in both similar and dissenting opinions.

#caleb widogast #trent ikithon #astrid #eodwulf #the mighty nein #critical role #thane watches critical role #meta #critical role spoilers #cr spoilers #tw: suicidal ideation #edit: i am SO sorry i forgot to tag initially

[c-is-for-circinate]

Okay, I have picked out one of the many excellent things in this week’s Critical Role episode to talk about!  Let’s talk about, “am I the only one in this group who has any experience being trusted to do the right thing?”

The wording of it is so specific, and it’s so fucking telling.  

Caduceus doesn’t ask if he’s the only one in the group who knows how to trust other people, although that’s here in this question and this conversation, the, ‘wow, NONE of you have any real faith in authority whatsoever’ bit of it all.  But that’s specifically not what Caduceus is asking here, and that’s important, I think, because the truth is, the Mighty Nein have been learning to trust people little by little this entire way.

There’s a lot of conditional trust, of course, and there’s a lot of doubt, but--they trust Bryce.  They trust Orly.  Nott trusted Shakaste with her son, sight unseen, and Nott and Caleb and Beau were exhausted and desperate enough to trust Keg and Nila and Caduceus himself in the first place, and of course the group has been learning to trust each other, bit by bit, scrap by scrap.  That’s part of why Yasha has hurt so very badly.  Not because they didn’t trust her, but because all of those old instincts said they shouldn’t, and they did anyway.  And yes, I am generalizing about the whole group, but I don’t think I’m wrong to do so.  It’s obvious on Fjord, who still hasn’t even told anyone half of what he’s hiding or offered up his real accent, compared to Jester who’ll toss personal details around like cheerful party favors--but that just means the vulnerabilities and the soft spots are different.  At least on the surface.

In fact, I think the Mighty Nein collectively have three great fears when it comes to trusting each other.  They have a hard time trusting their companions not to reject them for their secrets (they’ll see I’m gross and evil because of my past crimes; I’ll be found unworthy because of my weaknesses and flaws).  They have a hard time trusting their companions to bear up and handle certain things related to those secrets (if they find out about me they’ll be distracted, it’ll divert them from more important goals; if I don’t push aside my problems to take care of them then they won’t survive).  And they occasionally have a hard time trusting each other not to simply turn around and betray the whole group out of never-having-cared-to-begin-with (what if Yasha was always bad?).  Ironically, I’m pretty sure that up until last week, flat-out betrayal was at the bottom of all of their lists of mutual mistrusts.

And yet, little by little, they’ve been learning to trust each other this whole time.  It’s always happened in spite of the fear: Caleb in one hotel room mechanically relating his life story, Jester in another squeaking with embarrassment at her own ignorance and hiding underneath the covers, all the way back to Mollymauk Tealeaf trapped between a tabaxi and a Zone of Truth place, hating to trust and too scared not to.  They’ve offered each other little bits of themselves, already tensed to flinch away from an expected blow that all their instincts say must be about to land as they’ve flayed open each mote of vulnerability in turn.  It’s been long and slow and they’re still skittish--but yes.  The Mighty Nein do know how to trust.

They even know how to trust authority figures, sometimes, in that same flinching calculated risk desperate sort of way.  Beau sprints halfway across Darktow Isle, Beau waits for the Plank King, because she doesn’t have a single option but to hope that thin strand of hope, to trust.  They go to the Bright Queen after their scry on the Imperial war meeting.  They place their survival and vulnerability and hopes in someone else’s hands.

Of course, there’s always the question of not just which authority figures they trust, but how far.  They trust the Plank King to enforce rules he himself has set, and have his own self-interest at heart, not to be merciful.  They trust the Gentleman to keep to the word of any bargain he made, not to be kind or any sort of good to the outside world.  Beau trusts Dairon to honestly want to expose corruption, not to be unbiased.  They trust the Bright Queen to want what’s best for the survival and well-being of her own subjects, when they trust her, not to care one bit about what happens to the people who live across the borders.  And they never, ever, in any circumstance, have ever trusted an authority figure to care about their well-being at all.

See, that’s it.  That’s where we get to the heart of Caduceus’s question, the truth he suddenly grasped with such clarity.  The Mighty Nein are not good at trusting people, or at caring for them, but they’re learning, with fumbling fingers and out of necessity and loneliness and their own inherent humanity (in the metaphorical sense).  They’re even learning, in the tiniest slivers and pieces, to maybe someday trust their own selves.

The thing not a single one of them knows how to cope with, none of them has ever experienced, is being themselves trusted.  Not wholely or unconditionally.  None of them.  

Oh, there’s Vandren, who trusted Fjord with his job but not his secrets--there’s Marion, who trusted Jester to be sweet and delightful, but not to live up to any sort of set expectations--there’s Yeza and Luc, who trusted Veth to be a wife and a mom, but not enough to make up for everybody else she ever knew--there’s Beau’s old crews, who trusted her to do the occasional job and maybe take a fall but not enough to keep her around--there’s Astrid and Eodwulf, who trusted Bren to be competent and evil, but were, in fact, wrong in that after all.  They’ve been trusted to do things they’ve already proven themselves competent to do.  Sometimes they’ve been trusted to be tools.  Sometimes they’ve been trusted to be harmless.  Trust their capacities, sure.  Trust their enlightened self-interest in not betraying someone far more powerful, absolutely.

But their judgment?  Their ethics?  Themselves?

I’ve seen a few people frame this conversation as Caduceus realizing he’s the only person in the whole group with actual self-esteem, and that’s part of it, a little bit.  Being doubted by everyone in the world leaves a pretty hefty ding on the self-confidence.  But it’s not just that--because like I said, in milimeters and hairsbreadths, they are learning to trust themselves, just that littlest bit.  Proving themselves to each other, specifically, has started the M9 along the path to maybe possibly someday proving themselves to themselves.  At the very least, they can try.

This isn’t about what the Nein think of themselves.  It’s what they expect other people to think of them.  And unlike the painstaking gains they’ve made in learning to trust, the group has collectively made almost zero headway in learning that they can be trusted.  Not by people In Charge.  Not by anyone outside their own small circle.

And that’s the thing Caduceus finally figured out, then pointed out to all the rest of us.

#critical role #driveby meta attack #episode 70 #I could go on for another entire essay #about any given team member's messy relationship with Trust #including Jester #who out of the whole group was never particularly villanized! #just...wasn't particularly trusted or expected to do anything else either #but #that is #as I said #another entire essay #for another night

[ollie-ollie-oxenfreee]

reverie

The empire siblings have a chat about notebooks, feelings, weird smut and memories.

It takes a while for you to get up the courage to talk to her. Quite a while. You’ve spent the last hour pacing and fidgeting and giving Frumpkin half-hearted speeches about why this is a terrible idea, you should very much not do it and you are going to return to your book now, thank you very much. The cat - little instigator that he is - blocks off this method of avoidance halfway through your latest monologue by hopping up onto your desk, curling up into a ball on the worn cover of your spellbook, giving you a pointed look and shutting his eyes.

“That - that is very unfair,” you protest, waving a hand indignantly. A wave of sly mischievousness floods your bond in response. Problem solved, it seems to say, rumbling with a soundless, satisfied purr.

You hover in the doorway a moment longer, wondering faintly how your own familiar could have betrayed you like this, before another mental nudge - like the tap of a paw against your shoulder - pushes you forward a step. Go. You’ll be just fine.

“I will be just fine,” you repeat, soft, like a mantra. Like the prayers the clerics whisper on the battlefield. “I will be fine. She has been my - my traveling companion for some time now. I can share things with her if I so choose.”

You close your hand around the tiny, precious journal in your pocket, take a deep breath and knock three times on Beauregard’s door.

A grumbled, sleepy “the fuck?,” then silence.

You come so close to taking the gods-granted opportunity to run back down the hallway and escape into your room before steeling yourself and knocking again. One, two, three. Clean and measured and precise.

“Door’s open, Jessie. You don’t have to knock.” “No - nein, Jester is not - Jester is downstairs.”

A pause. A shuffle of quiet footsteps. You flinch back a bit as the door swings open, revealing a thoroughly rumpled Beauregard. She blinks at you for a moment, her expression softening just a fraction as she takes in your obvious unease. “You okay?”

“More or less.”

“You’ve gotta know by now that I’m gonna call bullshit on that.”

“That may be wise.”

She raises an eyebrow and gestures for you to continue.

“I, ah, I have something that I would like to discuss with you. Something of some importance.”

“‘Of some importance?’ So like, quest stuff?”

You swallow thickly, shake your head. “No, not exactly. Nothing quite so urgent. Memories. Of my past… education.. Since you were so open as to share your history, I thought it was only right to unveil a bit more of mine. Is that something you would be comfortable -”

To your faint shock she nods immediately, opening the door a crack for you to step through. “Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Do you want Nott to be here for this, or -”

“No, no, she is with Yeza.”

“Alright.” She knows you well enough by now not to push. Thank Ioun for small miracles. “You can sit wherever,” she says, gesturing widely around the room as she flops back on her bed. You instinctively scan the unfamiliar space as you hover in the threshold - Jester’s art desk, covered in paint splotches and far too realistically rendered genitalia; Beauregard’s teetering stack of books, their blue leather spines stamped with the Cobalt Soul insignia; an expensive half-melted candle spilling warm yellow light across the floor and filling the air with the scent of sugar and flowers. You spot a rickety wooden chair in the far shadowed corner of the room and make for it before Beau rolls her eyes - not unkindly - and pats the foot of the bed.

“C’mon, Widogast. We’re gonna be adults about this. Gonna have feelings out in the open.”

“Is that what makes one an adult where you come from?”

“Yeah. Real important milestone.”

“In that case, I had not realized we were still traveling with a child. It puts so much in perspective.”

“Get over here and sit your ass down already.” You smile wryly in spite of yourself and do as she says, inching over to perch on the very edge of the soft pile of blankets.

“So,” she says after a moment of painfully awkward silence. “Feelings.”

“Yes.”

“Any in particular you’ve been feelin’?”

“Quite a few.”

“Can you be a little more specific than that?” She lifts one bandaged hand to jab you gently in the shoulder. “Show me what the important thing is. Lay it on me.”

I will be just fine. I will be just fine. I trust her. Nerve slipping away bit by tenuous bit, you reach into your coat pocket and withdraw your journal. It looks so innocent, laying there on the bed. Its oiled leather cover dark as coal against the starched white blankets, its ragged pages translucent in the pale light. Just as damnably unassuming as it’s always been.

You clear your throat thickly, finding the words. “Has Nott told you about my notebook? My, ah, other notebook. I would just like to gauge how much you know. Before we take this deep dive into ‘feelings.’”

She nods. “One night after you went to bed. Back at that open bar place in Zadash. Didn’t tell me what it was or what’s in it, just that you had a ‘secret book.’ Then Jester asked if it was porn and the conversation kinda stopped.”

You smile ruefully. “That is about what I expected, I suppose. It is not porn. To everyone’s great disappointment, I’m sure.”

“Yours included?”

“Mine included. I imagine I’d have to be much less secretive if it were.”

“That depends, man. Who knows what kind of weird shit you’re into.” She pauses and hums a bit, thinking. “Do you think wizard sex is like, a thing? Like Essek or whoever uses his arcane powers to bone down? Are people into that?”

This rampant train of thought startles a laugh out of you. “I cannot say that I have much knowledge of wizard sex, but I don’t doubt that there are some. Jester seems to be an expert on this sort of thing - perhaps you should ask her?”

You don’t miss the tiny, wistful smile that ghosts across her face at the name. “Yeah. Maybe she’d know. Anyway -” She shakes herself out of the daydream with a roll of her shoulders and fixes you with a pointed if not unkind look. “Back to feelings.”

“Back to feelings.” You pick the notebook up and ruffle gently through the pages, the flood of memories crashing over you as it always does. The sketches, the notes, the scraps of paper and snippets of old books, the coffee stains and ink splashes. Closing your eyes, you find your way to the proper page. The drawing of both of them.

“These were my - well, I suppose they were more than friends. We studied together. This was Astrid -” you trace your finger over the sketchy rendering of the girl, standing proud and tall with her nightingale on her shoulder, that familiar crinkle to the corner of her eyes. “She was always the ambitious one. Brighter than any of us. She made her mission to learn everything the world had to offer. Nothing was ever out of her reach. Once, when she learned that our other friend and I hadn’t learned to dance, she spent the rest of the night teaching us how. I would not have known how to waltz if not for her. That and - many other things.” Your scars pulse dully, and a tiny flicker of flame dances across your fingertips before guttering into a wisp of smoke. No. No bad memories now. This is not the time.

“What happened to her?”

“That I am not sure of. I haven’t heard from her since - since things went wrong. I can only hope that she found her way out intact. She deserves that much.” You sigh, trace your still gently smouldering fingertip along the worn out page. “She had a wicked sense of humor as well, you know. Coarse as a sailor, and clever. She’d figure out what made you tick, what made you laugh, within moments of knowing you. Always was good at reading people. And Eodwulf -'' you look at the drawing of the young man beside her, tall and strong, that little smile on his face - “he was kind. Big and tough and strong, but so kind. Gentlest soul I knew for quite some time. He told us stories about his farm back in Blumenthal, his little garden. How he’d tend the plants every day and make sure they reached the sun.”

“So he was kinda like Cad?”

“I suppose he was. He was good. I miss them both very much.”

She reaches a hand out and rests it with surprising gentleness on your shoulder. “Yeah, I get that. They sound like they were good.” She pauses for a moment. “You know that you didn’t deserve the shit you went through, right? None of you did. If you can think of them as being nice kids who were manipulated by a fucked up monster, you can think of yourself that way too.”

“I was not a nice kid, Beauregard.”

“Doesn’t change anything. No kid deserves to be treated like that.”

“Would you say the same for yourself?”

The silence is heavy for a long, long moment. “If I did, would you try? Make it a part of our hold - each - other - accountable deal?” She lifts the hand off of your shoulder and holds it out for you to shake on it.

You take a deep breath and take her hand in your own. “I will try.”

She nods, just a little, and gives a proper businessman’s handshake. “Alright. Cool.”

“Cool.” Still holding her hand, you give it a little squeeze. “You did deserve better than the way your father treated you, Beauregard. He was a dick, and he was wrong. You deserved a family that loved you as you were. And our little group, I believe you may have one.”

“Thanks, Caleb,” she says at last, her eyes watery as she smiles at you and pops you gently on the shoulder.

“Of course.”

The two of you sit like that for a while, watching as the moonlight filters in narrow silver bars through the window, and for the first time in a long, long time, your mind is quiet.

#bit of a longer angstier one this time around #minor content warning for discussions of abuse in the context of beau and caleb's backstories #empire siblings #my writing #critical role

[adventuresloane]

"Wake up- you were hyperventilating, are you okay?" With Caleb and Beau? I love their friendship so much....

((All these requests are for good good platonic relationships and I am MCLOVIN IT.))

If he really tried, he could remember something a little like this.

Usually, when a memory from his schooldays came scratching at his door, he bit down on it, or else bit down on his tongue to let the pain distract him from it. Things slipped through, though, of course--most of them bad, or if not exactly bad in a way that was inherent, then bad by association, corrupted in hindsight. But there were moments that, when he could recall them, brought him something almost like pleasure. Not a few of them came from nights spent in the dorms after lights-out. He remembered that sometimes there would be moonlight coming through the window so that he could see his roommates lying in their beds, but other times it would be entirely dark. He remembered their whispered conversations, their voices making gentle contact with one another like reaching hands. He remembered how it somehow seemed easier to talk about things when one was blind and tucked in bed and still awake hours after sundown. That was how he and Astrid and Eodwulf spent nights talking about their latest assignments, upcoming exams, families, fears.

It wasn't the same now, of course. Couldn't be the same. Part of it was because back in those days, he never woke soaked in his own sweat and with a chest heaving like his heart was trying to punch its way out. There weren't the nightmares then like there were now.

Another part of it was that Astrid and Eodwulf generally hadn't tried to wake him up at all, much less by throwing small rocks at his head.

He'd jolt awake, breathing too quickly or not at all. And then, several moments later, he'd feel Beau's stare on him even without being able to see her eyes through the blackness. She'd be lying some distance away from him on the ground wherever their little group had chosen to make camp that night. "Wake up," she'd grumble, as though he could have possibly slept through a pebble to the temple. "You were hyperventilating. Are you okay?"

The first couple times, he pretended that he couldn't hear her, that he was indeed still asleep or else so far gone that it was useless for her to try. She just kept hissing his name into the dark, then. Eventually, he got out the word "No" in a voice that, even to him, came out sounding like a creaking door.

It then became abundantly clear that she hadn't planned much past the point of asking whether he was okay. Most often, when he responded that way, she blew some air out of her mouth, took several long gulps from her canteen, and then said, "Alright, welp," in a tone somewhere between nonchalance and gruffness.

It would be several more minutes before she spoke up again, only to say, "Just wanted to check that you weren't going to die or whatever. I dunno. You probably don't want to talk about whatever it is, and I probably don't want to hear it, but I mean, your call, I guess."

As she had said of herself in the past, she was not good at this. But it was something. He wasn't even sure if it was something he liked, exactly, but still, a whisper in the dark, a hand reaching and groping through it.

It occurred to him, on one of what had become countless nights, to try to say more. Fresh from his flame-filled dreams, he had to work through the residual terror that threatened to lock up his jaw, but he managed anyway. "Beauregard..."

"Yah?"

"I feel that I should apologize to you...for how often I keep you up at night."

She shrugged. He couldn't quite explain how he knew that she shrugged, because he couldn't see her, but somehow he heard the way in which her blankets shifted and just knew. "I mean," she answered, "I get enough sleep. And I'd wake up cranky either way, so it's not like it makes much of a difference in that regard."

"I know that." He allowed himself a long pause, to gather his thoughts. "I also feel like...I should feel sorry for never telling you what's going on."

"Hey, I mean, fuck that, right? It's not like I'm the most forthcoming with that shit either."

"Don't you make it your business to know about the skeletons in everyone's closets?"

"Okay, listen," she said, with an added dose of roughness. "As far as this...whatever this is...this group we've got here. I'm only interested in knowing what I need to in order to keep us safe. Beyond that, it's whatever. And if this has anything to do with your past shit--"

"Ja."

"Yeah. I feel like I know a fair amount about that already without, like, probing your dreams. If you don't want to tell me any more, I don't need to know."

She wasn't good at this. Being a friend. Inexperienced, to put it charitably. He liked that she wasn't good at it, because he wasn't either. He was, to put it charitably, not so much inexperienced as grotesquely out of practice.

Here was one way he knew that he wasn't good at this: It didn't occur to him to return the favor until one night when he was keeping watch and heard her moaning quietly in her sleep. When he cautiously lIt a small flame from his finger and brought it close to her, he noticed the strain in her expression, the tight squeeze of her eyelids. Her face was scrunched up and uneasy. Not as dramatic as he surely was during a nightmare, but something.

There was then perhaps another hour of him hemming and hawing over whether he should wake her, whether she would want that, whether she would maybe just stop having the bad dream in a few minutes anyway. Then, finally, he poked her shoulder, which was not one of his finer ideas, as the monk immediately startled and stopped just shy of punching him in the face. They stared at each other in mutual shock for far too long, her fist still poised in midair.

"Eh...tut mir leid," he muttered.

"Yeah, sorry also. Got nervous there." She yawned. "What's going on? You see something."

"Not exactly," he answered, and then did not know how to elaborate.

She eyed him. "K...well, can I go back to--"

"I suppose just wanted you to know," he started slowly, "that if you're in any way feeling distressed--"

"Oh, God."

"Then you should feel free to tell me. Even if you have to wake me for it. I doubt I would be much help, especially if it's something to do with how much we've been talking about Kamordah lately. But you can say it anyway, if you need."

There was a remarkably long pause. He didn't look at her and put out his light.

"Hey, Caleb? Fuck you." And she turned over until her back was to him.

He stayed awake with a sense of satisfaction that he wasn't sure he deserved to feel. She would probably give him one of her halting apologies for saying that--maybe not tonight, but likely in the next couple of days.

But he was glad that she'd said it. It meant that she had been redirected from whatever it was that had twisted her face up in the night. She slept peacefully for the rest of time that he stayed up.

Neither of them were good at this. In this case, it was perhaps more important to be there than to be good.

#caleb #beau #cr2 #cr2 fanfic #critrole fanfic #critical role fanfic #critrole #critical role #critrole 2 #critical role 2 #beauregard lionett #caleb widogast #cr #cr fanfic #ask meme #anonymous

[yfere]

Shipping Calculus! Live Updates from C2E62

Downtime (n): a word which here means “bust a drug ring and spy on war meetings,” with some home improvement on the side.

*wheezes* Anyway, we do math no matter how stressed we are, yes? A mathematician must never be daunted by mere….madness. Masterpost here.

+23 to Fjord/Jester Outside experts were necessary for this. On the one hand, Shipping Calculus Law states that you lose points for facilitating a relationship to another person….but if you do that while also clearly getting “heart eyes” for the whole affair? Those rules no longer apply. We have, here, Fjord’s Over The Top “I Am So Cool Pls Notice” at Jester referencing his bravery at rooming next to her, and mutual, uh, attempts to comfort that are Deflected By This Deflecting Pair! You Would Earn More Points For Not Deflecting! Oh no, Jester, are you worried about your mom I’m sure she’s oka—NAH, FJORD, HOW ARE YOU. Are you feeling uncomfortable latel—NAH, I’M FINE I’M HAVING ZERO ISSUES WITH THE WATER EXCEPT THAT IT’S IN MY EARS AND I CAN’T HEAR YOU. Lots and lots of banter, and Jester asking Fjord about whether this is his first home, and offering him a mural because she’s a sweetheart. Point loss because Fjord did not accept the mural invitation which makes Jester, deprived of this gesture of affection from her artistic soul, very sad. Also, Jester’s hair was gross and that’s a tragedy for all Jester ships this week.

+8 to Beau/Jester Speaking of gross hair. These two—still roomates! Beau looking for the Best Room, as always! And for some reason, they very much don’t mind in each other all the things that would make them awful roomates to everyone else? Jester happily deals with Beau’s horrific snoring (if they ever have to split, Beau and Cads need to room as the resident snorers), and Beau handles Jester’s Hair Fiasco with nary a complaint, only a surreptitious request for some incense from Caduceus. That’s love. Point loss for Beau complaining about Nugget’s drooling—you need to love pets to love Jester, and that is law

-30 to Jester/Pets. But pets….they may not love Jester. My darling….forcing your beaten and world weary weasel (a ground dweller) into a tree dwelling against its will, forgetting your weasel’s name….I mean, you would think that someone would have sat you down by now to talk about consent (and that you never call someone you love by another name).

+20 to Beau/Gaydar And she foooooooooooools Caleb into thinking it’s a faulty Straightdar that has her saying he and Nott have tension. Don’t worry, Caleb, Beau understands you a little too well. And as we all know, ejecting a man from your room is a Special Lesbian Power bequeathed from the gods.

+2 to Caleb/Fjord/Jester because Frumpkin also got to hang out and gape at Fjord’s tremendously awkward honeypot display at the apothecary. Those three made a stellar Team A to the two-team investigation, with Jester and Fjord distracting like champs while Frumpkin learned of the invisible guard! Also, +2 to Frumpkin/Detective Work!

+18 to Jester/Yasha for Jester’s incredibly thoughtful and sweet wildflower mural for Yasha, and Yasha’s equally sweet surprise and thankfulness. A perfect combination of the ancient and venerable practices of  Seduction Through Art and Seduction Through Flower Arrangements—Jester is on top of her game. Point loss for sticking even a lovingly drawn dick anywhere in Yasha’s vicinity, that should be illegal

+2 to Beau/Yasha for partnering up to go to the library, yeah! A training pit, which is Ripe for Physical Contact Opportunities! Yasha being inspired by Beau’s bracers to get a set of her own, and you know how wlw love sharing clothing? I’m just saying.

+15 to Caleb/Caduceus A bit of an understated week, in the absence of Intense Conversation, but with a lot going on. Beginning, of course, with Caduceus making Caleb’s Special Gift the Literal Symbol of him “putting down roots” and spending a full week making it the centerpiece of the Xhorhaus and such an ostentatious landmark no one in the city will ever forget it. Caleb helps out with construction of the garden using cat-shaped spellwork,  and also invites everyone he meets to Come To the Krynn’s First Treehouse the man is proud. Frumpkin, too, climbing the tree, and it’s only a matter of time before Caleb does the same. Speaking of, Caleb once more pulling the “O, Large and Attractive Man, Please Shield Me From the Haters” card in a Cramped Alley, which Caduceus himself sort of initiated by aggressively campaigning for Frumpkin Spying. Nott gets +5 to Cockblocking for pulling Caduceus away to Detect Magic. Caduceus making windchimes to help make feel Caleb safe—though Caleb is sadly dismissive at the time No point gain for Caduceus’ very sweet and genuine and incredibly unsuccessful attempt to prevent the wizard from choking to death on his grand plans. Point loss for Caleb preferring to use residuum to craft a protective ring, possibly over trying to fix the sword that Caduceus is fixated on. Can Caleb’s Sword make him forget about it?

+30 to the M9/Winning the Local Dick Measuring Contest. You take a tower, you add a 60 foot tree as an elaborate penis metaphor, spread your seed all over the rooftop garden, and put permanent daylight in a region that is permanently dark and worships the Light. All right. Okay.

+20 to Caleb/Essik oh gods, and now we have evidence that a cleaned up fashionable Caleb is perhaps also a little bit catnip for the NPCs. Caleb’s silver tongue and flirtatious finger-wiggling with his special Cat Spell? Bowing and opening the door with magic like A Flirt? The favor exchange convo which is how Every Male Character Woos Caleb Apparently? Essik, for his part, giving up his schedule for the moment, strutting his stuff with his fancy spellbook and chuckling and asking for Caleb’s permission and no one else’s to enter the home???? These boys move faaaaast. We’ll see how this develops with time. Also, between the spellwork Giving Caleb Game and Frumpkin detectiving, +50 to Caleb/Cat-Shaped Creatures, +30 to Caleb/Plot Relevant Magic Gott-damn

+35 to Fjord/Caleb So here in Shipping Calculus, Intense Conversations earn lots of points and uh, there was so much steam from this one it got sound effects. Clasping of hands, promises, declarations, in a callback to Every Major Widofjord Moment Ever. Not to mention, the ambushing-in-the-room maneuver straight (?) out of a romance novel. Caleb taking a gentle pry bar to the locked door of Fjord’s past and insecurities, as all Fjord shippers ultimately hope to see revealed on screen. The mention of Mighty Nein being family? Admiration and resentment? We can remake ourselves into something better? Admitting to worrying about everyone? Saying Caleb is not crazy (but he may be, crazy for someone?) Point loss for Fjord not…..getting the caring thing up until the end, probably. Oh dear. Oh my.

+55 to The Cast/Ashley Johnson. Yasha never fucking says anything, but Sam and Liam both love Ashley. Laura wants everyone to fuck off except Ashley, she’s an angel and we’re glad she’s here.

-100 to Caleb/Astrid/Eodwulf as Caleb says at one point Astrid was “The One” for him. But Caleb. Why could it not have been “The Two?” Throw me us a bone here.

+1000 to Nott/Yeza KISS! THEY KISS! And Nott goes on about not needing to kiss for some things. Spending time in the hot tub together, and in the Lab together (thanks, Caleb!) and being Dangerous Together. Yeza offering to be a house husband and clean up the place while they adventure! Nott being too protective of Yeza to send him without protection to the Coast or the Empire!

+14 to Caleb/Jester as Caleb aims the full force of his Worrywart self at Jester’s direction over the Astrid letter—all Jester ships gain points for distress over Marion Lavorre, as it should be. Jester alongside Nott immediately and frantically insisting that nothing letter-related is Caleb’s fault at all, but hey it’s not Jester’s fault either, it was Nott who told her what to write and she didn’t know anyyything. The suggestion for “The Salty Sea” that Jester and Caleb (and Fjord, hello +1 to Caleb/Fjord/Jester) are tied up with becoming the unlocking mechanism for a secret entrance to Caleb’s library. Jester unfortunately funnels many points into +20 to Jester/Foot in Mouth as she makes sad Astrid conversation but more importantly the horrific “you’ll always be an assassin to me” flirt. Jester. Jester no. Jester you know how he feels about his past right. Jester?

+3 to Beau/Hosting which was great until the cocktail racism, damn that’s a lot of point loss

+70 to Nott the Best Detective Agency/Detective Work as they uncover evidence of a SUUDE OPERATION and listen in on KING DWENDAL’S WAR PLANS. Interpretation of evidence once more provided by partner Beau and Lab Guy Caleb, who between their history and arcana checks and shady histories shed light on the puzzle before them.

-15 to Fjord/Charming the Neighbors. Caduceus is unfortunately too busy with home renovations to be his sweet Lets Bake For The Neighbors self, so Fjord ventures outside and proves why there need to be three high CHA people in this party. Because while Fjord can swing a honeypot in a crisis and intimidate like no one’s business, his inclination to dress people down and match insult for insult makes things go pretty sour with Bylan pretty quickly. The obvious solution, considering Fjord’s skill set, is to redress the issue by undressing the man.

+100000000000000000000000000000000000 to CR/Naming It The Xhorhaus because it got a SONG!!!!!!!!!

#cr spoilers #critical role #widofjord #widojest #fjorester #widofjorester #clayleb #beaujester #lavorregard #beauyasha #jestasha #shipping calculus

[howlingheartdemigod]

beau is kidnapped and tortured by trent ikihon (because she is part of the cobalt soul and close to caleb maybe?). yasha loses it when she comes back to the mighty nein to find that beaus been kidnapped. bonus points if you include caleb losing his shit as well because his abuser has his little sister. (and if you want to go REAL angsty: “you have to convince the soul to come back to its body” “that’s fine! of course beau will want to come back! right?!......right?”)

this took a while and i don’t know if i’m really not happy with it or if i’ve been staring at it too long. 

TW depictions of torture, injections, major character death, depictions of violence

title from [-319] of @asoftersea​

firm and unshakable belief

Caleb does a head count after the fight, soaked with rain and mud. It’s a habit, but it feels especially necessary this time. He does a head count as the magic of the teleport fades away. It takes him a second, in his pain addled state, to realize he is one short. Nott, one, Jester, two, Caduceus, three, Fjord, four, Yasha, five, Beau…

“Beauregard!?” Caleb hauled himself to his feet. His friends had all been blasted this way and that. Jester was already hobbling to a bleeding Fjord’s side. They didn’t see yet, see that they were a member short yet again. “Beauregard!” He screamed out, hoping she’s just been flung farther from the explosion, from Astrid's spell, from his mistakes. 

The response of the trees around them was to continue to creek. The wind rustled the grasses, and picked up some of the ash. No one called back. 

He looked to Jester, who had a hand over Fjord’s bleeding stomach, who’s wide eyes were starting to search along with his. He looked to Nott, who was pulling herself upright, who was looking around, panic on her face, the fear of losing her family bubbling up yet again. 

He looked to Yasha, who was pulling herself from the ground, who was looking at him with pain in her eyes, scared of what he was going to say. 

“Caleb?” Caduceus’ voice called out, nearer than Caleb had realized. A large hand set softly on his shoulder. "Did you see what happened?”

Caleb’s eyes scanned the charred earth, the clearing they’d been camping in nearly unrecognizable, still smouldering. His eyes scanned the trees, some branches charred, but no longer burning. His eyes scanned the clouded sky, wishing for some kind of answer to a prayer he couldn’t even put in words within his mind. 

None came. 

Caleb dropped his eyes to Yasha, swallowing. “They took her.” He rasped. “Ikithon has Beau.” 

The silence rang out, as the Nein felt the pain of loss, yet again.

-

Beau woke up strapped to a chair, because of course this mother fucker was that fucking cliche. She took a sharp breath in, keeping her eyes shut as she ran her mind through what she knew. They’d been fighting Ikithon and lackeys. They’d been winning. Caleb was struggling. Then, boom, then yank, then woosh, then darkness. Then sleep, but Beau didn’t wake rested. 

“Morning, little monk.” The voice was only slightly familiar. Accented like Caleb’s, but not Ikithon. She considered keeping her eyes shut, her head down, but she knew she was made, and figured pissing off her captor, maybe wasn’t a good idea. 

Tilting her head back, popping her jaw, Beau took a long breath, then fixed her eyes on the hulking form across from her. The man was tall, bulky, older than Caleb had remembered. Which made sense, of course.

It’d been over a decade since Caleb had seen his old friend. She still recognized him. His dark hair was cropped tighter, his eyes lined with small wrinkles, his skin was scared and calloused. It was easier to tell in this light, than when they’d seen him before. She hadn’t paid enough attention then. Had no choice now. “Eodwulf, right?” She stretched a little at the waist, bonds holding her arms and legs tight, and gave him a once over. “I was hoping you wouldn’t be quite so much of a bitch.” 

The back hand she received was unexpected, seeing as he’d just been on the other side of the room. And fuck, did it hurt. ‘Isn’t this guy supposed to be a wizard?’ 

“You’re not going to say anything unless you’re asked a question.” He told her face all too close for Beau’s liking. She spit a little, the taste of blood in her mouth from where her cheek had broken on her teeth sharp and biting. 

“Big man likes to hit things, but wouldn’t stand a chance if I wasn’t tied up.” she muttered, glaring eyes looking back at him. The blow to the stomach was less impressive. There had been magic behind the first, she figured. She hoped. He wouldn’t want to blow through spells hurting her. She wasn’t worth that. She knew that. 

“Only if you’re asked a question.” She heard the creaking of a door behind her, echoing in the circular stone space, bouncing off the high ceiling. 

“And believe me,” a softer voice, female, accent clear and familiar. Astrid moved around, eyes fixed on Beau all the way, running her hands over a blue cloth, thumb tracing careful detailing. “We have many, many questions, expositor.” 

Astrid threw Beau’s own belt at her, Beau flinched minutely, watching it fall to her lap, the carefully gold embroidered prayer to Ioun glinting in the dim light.

Beau lifted her eyes to Astrid, jaw clenched. “Well, this is gonna be shit for you, isn’t it?”

-

Yasha felt numb. Felt cold. This was all her fault. That kept ringing around her head. Your fault. Your fault. Your fault. She stared at the ground, where the skin gorger dug into the ground next to her, and shuddered. After everything, after fighting inside of her own mind, to get back, to win the fight, and turn around and loose Beau. It felt like something was conspiring against her. She lifted her eyes to where Jester was setting out her scrying ritual, where Nott was whispering to Fjord quietly, who was responding quickly, low voice too distant for her to hear. She looked over to Caduceus, who was distracting himself reorganizing his pack. She saw him linger on something, then continue moving, putting things carefully away, nodding a bit. She pulled her eyes away, moving them to Caleb. Caleb who hadn’t spoken since sinking to the ground where he stood, Caleb who looked like Yasha felt. Caleb, who, she was sure, felt wracked with guilt about this. 

‘Good,’ The quiet, cruel part of her mind called out. ‘His people did this. His people took her from you.’

‘No.’ Yasha’s head shook. ‘We are his people. We are his people and he is ours. And we will get her back.’ 

Yasha lifted her eyes back to Caleb, her gaze catching his. He held his gaze steady, an apology behind them. Yasha, trembling from the rage still burning below the surface, took a careful breath, and forced herself to move. She dragged herself across the space, fighting against the part of her that wanted to stay still until she knew where to go, until she knew who to kill. She dropped down next to Caleb, eyes on the ground. Skin Gorger laid next to her, and she let her fingers dig into the mud, the scent of rain thick in the air, even with the clouds no longer pouring. 

“You got me back. We get her back.” Yasha said, nodding a bit. “Right?”

The silence stretched on so long Yasha feared it wouldn’t end. A hand fell on her shoulder. She looked over to the wizard, squinting. His eyes were still hazed over, his skin pale, but there was a conviction in the set of his jaw, the furrow of his brow. “We get her back.” 

Yasha nodded, and looked back to Jester as she settled down, eyes closed to cast her scry, to find Beau, so they could go and bring her home. 

-

“You’re the idiots who knowingly kidnapped a member of the Cobalt Soul.” Beau’s voice was sharp, taunting, even through the shallow breaths she was now taking. Astrid was good with a blade, it turned out, good at making careful shallow cuts, inflicting pain but not letting Beau get so hurt she blacked out. Can’t interrogate an unconscious person. Beau snarled at her. “Sucks for you you didn’t realize part of the training is knowing when to keep our mouths shut.” 

Astrid’s face twisted with anger, and her knife plunged into Beau’s side, deeper than she’d gone before. “If only you would remember that training.” She replied, twisting the blade, before pulling back at the sound of Beau’s cry. “This isn’t working.” Astrid clearly wasn’t addressing her, but Beau let out a broken laugh anyway. 

“No shit.” She snapped, head tilting back. 

Astrid let out an annoyed shout, slashing Beau across the cheek. Beau hissed, head tilting with the knife, keeping it from cutting to deep. She was starting to learn the patterns, the way Astrid held a blade. Hopefully it would be enough to keep from bleeding out for a while. “Explain or suffer. Why were you working with the Bright Queen? What elements of crick magic have you seen? What does Bren know?" She punctuated each question with a thumb dug into a cut on Beau arm, digging in, pulling the flesh. Beau looked up at the ceiling, seeing spots. 

After Beau let out a broken cry of pain. After Astrid let up, Beau met her gaze. "I don't know anyone named Bren." She managed through gritted teeth. "Fuck you."

Astrid swung back, but before she could slash Beau again, the door behind her swished open, sending the room into near silence.

Without even looking, Beau knew that bastard had entered the room. The energy shifted, Astrid going from proud and angry, to submissive, hands at her sides, blade tucked away, eyes wide. Childlike. It made her sick, seeing this woman, a woman Caleb cared about despite how truly garbage she was, looking up like a kid, idolizing and naive. 

The cuts on Beau's body reminded her that Astrid was anything but innocent. As Ikithon rounded the chair, his eyes were fixed on Beau, frowning, scowling. Pride welled up in Beau, looking at his sour face, knowing she'd been the one to crack his composure. 

"Enough then." He said, squinting at him. "Hurting you isn't working. Well have to find some other motivation." He looked to Astrid. "make yourself appear as that… tiefling." 

Astrid, without hesitation, moved her hands to cast, then before Beau stood Jester. No, no not Jester, too still, too angry. Astrid. It was just Astrid wearing Jester's face. Beau swallowed, dropping her gaze.

"Yes this will do." She heard Ikithon say. "look here, Expositor, I want to show you something." When Beau did not respond she felt her jaw gripped from behind, Eodwulf pulling her head back, forcing her compliance. "better." Ikithon's smile appeared, twisted and cold. "Now, let's begin." With that, he produced a knife,and dug it into Jester's stomach, and Beau, unable to stop herself, let out a scream. 

-

Jester’s eyes shot open, hands pressing flat into the ground. Caleb scanned her as she took a sharp breath in, eyes scanning them all. “He has her.” She said, eyes on Caleb. “She’s in a room, round, tall ceiling.” Jester’s breath caught. “She’s all hurt, they’re cutting her up.” Caleb wanted to comfort Jester, wanting to put a hand on her shoulder. Wanted to help somehow. He couldn’t. He felt like he was back in that room, felt like he was trapped again. Tied down, knives and crystals near by, being told he was weak if he couldn’t keep it together. He took a sharp breath, eyes dropping. The sound of the voices around him started to blot out, sounding like he was under water. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. He felt so cold, so freezing. The stone beneath his feet was was cold. 

A hand landed on his shoulder, and he yanked back, eyes lifting to meet Fjord’s. “Hey, Caleb. It’s alright. You’re alright.” Fjord’s voice was low, was careful. Caleb took a breath, eyes lifting, flicking around. “Do you know where she is?” 

Caleb nodded. 

“Can you get us there?” Yasha spoke up, hand on her blade. 

Caleb met her eye, the conviction there, and nodded. 

Yasha nodded. “Let’s go then.” 

Caleb started drawing a teleportation circle, brow furrowed, and he could hear arguments about rest, and spells, and how hurt everyone already was. He could not be bothered to listen. Fuck all of that. It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter if he didn’t hold on to his family. He looked up, a brief pause in his scrawling, and caught Yasha’s eye again. She was standing, arms crossed, looking entirely unamused by Fjords concerns of working themselves to death when she glanced over. Caleb swallowed, then gave a nod, then went back to work. They had to get her back. There was no choice about it. 

-

After Astrid's third one, Beau wondered if too many healing potions could mess up a person. She always got a tickle in her throat after. Not that they'd given her one, the opposite in fact. Apparently Eodwulf was getting bored and started making occasional cuts to her body, taking up Astrid's previous place. Beau's breath was coming shallow, and she was starting to feel really properly shit. She let her head tilt back, brow furrowing. 

"Face forward!" Ikithon's voice was sharp, authoritative. 

Beau gritted her teeth, and bit her cheek. She already had blood in her mouth, but she managed to break skin again. She swirled it around in her mouth and lifted her head, then spat the blood in his face. 

Ikithon recoiled, letting out a noise of disgust. He paced away, digging a cloth from his pocket to wipe the blood away. "It doesn't have to be like this Beauregard. I'm not an animal. You're charged with treason, but it doesn't need to get worse." He looked down to her, squinting at him. “I will do what I can to make this easier for you.” 

“Go fuck yourself.” She shot back. “There’s nothing you can do to make me talk. And You’re gonna be so murdered by the Soul and I’m gonna haunt you and laugh.” She told him, flashing a bloody smile. She felt another slash into her side. 

Ikithon looked over to Astrid and hummed a little. “Then we’ll have to let you bleed out here.” He pulled a blade from his robes, and plunged it into Beau’s stomach. Beau pulled a gasp, hunching over. A hand slammed over her mouth, shoving a rag, coated in a bitter tasting liquid, farther than she could spit out easily, and a tie wrapped and tied it in place. Beau scowled, trying to shove the rag forward against the tie. She felt a pinch on her side, and looked over in time to see Eodwulf pocketing a syringe. She caught his gaze for a second, and searched for something more than apathy behind his eyes. In the moment she thought she may have seen a glimmer of it, he turned away, the others following quickly. She glared at Ikithon as he left, a horrible smile on his face. 

She dropped her eyes, swallowing around the rag, and closing her eyes as the door shut. She took a broken sigh through the cloth jammed in her mouth, eyes pooling with tears. She didn’t know she could let anymore fall. She’d watched each of her friends tortured near to death. She couldn’t get the vision of Caleb, crystals jammed deep into his skin, into his sides, into his neck, into his face, bleeding on the ground, out of her mind. She took a careful breath and pushed it away, but it was quickly replaced by the image of Yasha, brave strong Yasha, with a blade in her stomach, another poised at her throat. Ikithon was good at causing cuts that were just capable of being healed up. Just short of killing his precious wizard who allowed herself to be tortured for him, to hurt another. Beau opened her eyes to push the thoughts aside, trying to breathe, trying to focus. But Yasha still laid dying. She blinked, head shaking a little, but the only thing that changed were the dark tendrils coming off of Yasha’s body as she stared, rasping for breath at Beau. 

“You didn’t save me.” It accused. The specter rose, reaching to brush Beau’s hair back from her face. “You didn’t do enough to try.” The darkness swelled over Yasha’s shoulders, a feeling of burning sweetness welled up in Beau, and as the shadow crashed over her, she screamed. 

-

It took them a few hours, hours of panic and pain, hours of convincing enough people to convince enough people that murdering a high level member of the Cerberus Assembly was necessary. Hours of infiltrating. Hours of being surprised when Dairon, who they had not known to be in Rexxentrum, stepped out of shadows to join them. Hours of incapacitating and killing. Just one moment, of Caleb lifting a hand, centering it on an injured Archmage, and unleashing fiery death. It took them a while, but they checked the right corridor, opened the right door, and found Beauregard. 

They all held their breath for a moment, Jester dropped in front of the chair, searching for a pulse, Yasha kneeled at Beau’s right, eyes flicking from watching Jester to watching Beau. Jester pulled in a sharp breath, eyes pooling with tears. Yasha’s hand fell softy to Beau’s wrist, unbinding it, watching it try and slip and fall. She caught it carefully, pressing her thumb to a place where a beat refused to appear. Yasha let out a broken breath, gaze dropping. “Can you do anything?” she asked softly, looking to Jester. “Can you bring her back?”

“Back?” Nott repeated, fingers twitching for a flask hidden at her hip. 

Caleb crumpled feet behind Yasha, head shaking. He started cursing in Zemnian, fouler language than Yasha would care to learn from him. 

“I don’t…” Jester’s voice cracked a little. “I don’t know if I…” She took a breath, and started muttering holding her symbol. Her eyes flicked open a moment later, looking to Caduceus. “I can’t. I don’t. He says I don’t have what I need, but you can.” 

The Firbolg had been leaning on Fjord, holding a wound at his side, slowly healing from a quickly downed potion. He took a breath, nodding a bit He straightened up, moving to support himself on his staff instead. “I think you’re right. The Wildmother… She sent something new for me recently. But I can’t cast it until tomorrow.”

“Then lets get her out of here, shall we?” Fjord asked, dropping to a knee next to Jester, starting to untie Beau. Dairon helped, moving to untie the bind behind her head, undo the chains at her back. Yasha reached a shaking hand, and pulled the blade from her stomach, throwing it down. The metal clattered against the floor, the blood on it still thin enough to splatter. Yasha wanted to rage. Wanted to unfurl her terrible wings and kill. She wanted to tear limb from limb those who’d done this. she nearly did. She nearly ran to where she knew agents of the Soul were rounding up Vollstrecker in the building and go through them like a dog killing rats. The idea of letting them survive this, of giving them a pass because it was just what they were ordered made her want to rip them to bits so small they wouldn’t be found again. 

As Beau’s body slumped she reached to catch her, supporting her head. Death would have to wait. They needed to get Beau home, wherever that was anymore. They needed to get her home. They needed to try. 

Yasha looked to Caleb, as she cradled Beau like she was something too precious to put words to. “Where can we go?” she asked. “Where is safe?” 

She could see Caleb’s face flicker. She could see him want to say nowhere. She could see him want to return to fear and cruelty. She watched him push it aside. “We can go to Nicodranas.” He said, wiping his hands on his robes, starting to pat pockets to search for something. He started scribbling a circle without hesitation, brow pinched. 

Yasha looked to Caduceus, taking a breath. “How does it work?” she asked, trying to ignore the way she felt so cold, the way she felt so limp. 

Caduceus took a breath, dropping to brush Beau’s hair back. Yasha almost pulled away, kept him from causing her to rot away as he had with others slain. She managed to keep her paranoia at bay. He looked at Beau fondly. 

“You have to convince the soul to come back.” He explained. “You have to convince them to return to this side of the veil.” 

Jester broken the silence that occured, voice bright. “That’s fine! Of course Beau will want to come back, right?” Her gaze searched around, and found many eyes not willing to meet her own. “Right!?” She stressed. 

The silence spoke for itself, the air thick, as Caleb frantically scribbled, as Yasha watched Beau wishing she would sit up and say something snarky, as they waited, waited to see if the could tell Jester she was right after all.

-

To say that Caleb was familiar with death felt, to him, like an understatement. Caleb wasn’t just familiar with death. He and death had an intimate, deep relationship. It would sit on his shoulder often, or lay an arm around him, or cloak him with its shadow. It was a near constant, in his life and in his work. A consequence of his youthful naivete. He was beyond familiar with death, he knew it well. 

That didn’t, of course, mean much to death. Many knew death. Many found it visiting their home too often. Sometimes unexpected. Sometimes months later than. He knew some practically courted death, standing on cliff edges, begging it near. He wasn’t quite like that. He wouldn’t call it, but it’s name came from him often, a name he did not, could not, know. He called it when he conjured flame, when he reduced others to ash. He called it when he thought of his mother and father. He called it when he felt the pain of his life well up like a poison, when he nearly wanted it to take him. When he nearly took the dark gloved hand and walked away with it. 

He’d never called it’s name in prayer. He’d never called any name in prayer. He knew the Raven Queen was a busy God. They all were, he assumed. He knew the Raven Queen wouldn’t care about his friend, about the life she was taking. It was her job. It wasn’t something she did in cruelty. She shepherded them, taking them to the next place. She didn’t, he believed, do the moment of killing. She did not reap the souls. That was some other figure. Some other entity. Following her commands, taking those who needed to leave this plane to her, to move them elsewhere. 

Caleb didn’t call names in prayer. He didn’t know what that would look like. Jester’s were always muttering, full of giggles. Caduceus would speak in low tones, receiving answers on winds. Yasha always seemed to just go stand in the rain, something shouting at the clouds. Caleb didn’t know how to pray to the entity of death. Didn’t know what name to call, didn’t know what words to say. Sitting in a bedroom of the Lavish Chateau, Caleb did not know what words to say. He knew he would need to appeal to Beauregard herself the next day. But that didn’t feel like enough. He moved slowly, emptying his pockets, sorting his components, organizing them out. He swallowed, then started packing them up again, methodically, carefully, ensuring everything was there like one would sharpen a dagger, ensuring it would cut cleanly. He took a breath, looking out the window, searching the horizon for answers. He found none. So he dropped his eyes, snapped his cat to existence next to him, and spoke. 

“Hello, uh… You took a friend of mine today. Tomorrow we are going to try and bring her back. We… Well, you see, we need her. She is the best of us, in ways she does not know. She is the most… she is the first person who knew all I’ve done, and never once faltered in her faith of me. She is… She is my sister. I never had one before. I didn’t know I needed one,but I do. I need her back. And I know you can make no promises. I know you can give nothing that can not be, uh, taken away again through our own stupidity. But, well… Just don’t take her quite yet, if you could. Delay. Walk quite slowly, so she may hear us as we call. Let me call my sister back. I would promise you the same, if I could.”

Caleb went quiet, keeping his eyes down, letting them flick to Frumpkin, who mewed and butted against his leg. He let the words fade, thinking how very stupid it was to speak to someone who could not reply. 

A caw from the window lifted his gaze and he spotted it. A large, too large, black bird spreading its wings and fluttering away. Something drifted to the slowly down behind it, and Caleb pushed up to catch it an inch from the floor. In his hand was a single feather of the raven. Caleb swallowed, and went to join the vigil over his fallen friend, hoping he could take the visit and the gift as a promise.

-

Yasha carried Beau to the Circle Caduceus had drawn. He, it seemed, was the only one who’d slept right. Who’d slept well enough. For good reason, of course. She set Beau carefully in the middle of the runes, swallowing. Caduceus had carefully explained what they must do, told them all what was necessary, how to make this work. 

Dairon had, before he began casting, come to Beau and said a prayer, and anointed her with some kind of oil. They’d looked to Yasha, searching her face. There seemed to be words they wanted to say, that they didn’t say. They gave a nod, then moved to the edge of the room, arms crossing as the others gathered. 

Caduceus nodded once Yasha set her down, oh so carefully, and cast the last of it. She felt the energy in the room shift, change. The light seemed, not that of the shaded cloud filled sky outside, but of the dappled sky of a forest. The air smelled of the sea, more strongly, like they stood amidst it, and Caduceus let out a sigh. “alright.” He said. “Who would like to talk to her?”

There was a silence. They all could beg for her back. They all knew they all had something to say. No one wanted to deny another the chance. After a tense, searching pause, Nott moved closer, looking around as though she was checking that it was alright. No one protested. Nott dropped down next to Beau, and cleared her throat. “I, uh, I’m not good with words.” she said, hands working at Beau’s wrist. “But you are. Much better than I am. Who am I kidding, really, a wall is better than I am. But you’re… I need you here, to talk to me. I need you here to tell secrets to. To learn secrets from. To see absolutely no pay off from those secrets, to a frankly annoying level. I mean, come on, Beau...” Nott took a little breath, nodding. Yasha caught a glimpse of the jade bracelet Beau had once traded away for some simple wooden swords, and smiled. “I need you here. We’re better with you here. So come back, and be here for us. There are people here who love you, you asshole. I’m one of ‘em. And I need you here.” Nott swallowed, the look on her face showing she was afraid she’d messed up, then she backed away, sitting at the edge of the circle, flask in hand. 

There was a bit of silence, a shift in the air, and then the sound of waves crashing in the far distance. They lapsed back to quiet, everyone running through what they’d like to say, what they’d like to give. Jester searched her sketchbook, Fjord held tight to his symbol of the Wildmother, eyes hazy with worry. She heard a shuffle, and turned to watch Caleb drop next to Beau. Her heart ached to see him so pained, so scared. She swallowed back the feeling that this was all too familiar, in some way. They’d been here before, huddled around someone they loved. Her mind flashed to Molly, who’s goodbye she’d missed, to Caduceus, who Jester had saved so fast one wasn’t needed. They’d done this, but they’d never done this. It was familiar anyway.  

Caleb stared at Beau for a moment, taking a small sharp breaths. “We have, uh, both shown that we are bad at… feelings. Talking about them. We are both experts in the field of running away from those, messier parts of ourselves. So, I… I’m struggling to think of the right thing to say.” He put a hand on Beau’s shoulder, giving a squeeze. “I… I believe I once said ‘as much as I am able to have friends, I like you,’ and that was true. That was, at the time, what I believed. I didn’t get to have friends, not really. Until I did. And didn’t have any practice at the time. I didn’t know how to be around others, not well, I didn’t know how to care about others. But you, Beauregard, you took a look at all I laid before you, all the mess I was, I am, and all the worst messy parts of it, and you told me that I do not get to choose who cares for me. I didn’t realize it goes the other way. I did not choose to have you become my family, Beauregard. I didn’t choose for you to become so very important to me, but you did. I didn’t… the burden of family is the burden of loss. It’s the burden of worry. And I didn’t want that in my life. I didn’t believe I needed it. But I do. I need you back. You have become my sister. And the thing I feared the most about that exact risk happened. And I will never forgive myself for that, I don’t believe. But I want… I want to fix this, this one. I want to fix this thing. You asked me to do something for you, once upon a time. I’m asking for you to return the favor, and prove it by coming back. Believe in us, just this once.” He said, voice soft. “Believe in us.”

Caleb lingered as the magic shifted, air light seeming to dim, then grow, then become steady again. Caleb smiled, sad and broken, then pulled away. 

There was a moment of silence, of waiting, until Yasha realized no one else was going to speak, so she had to. Yasha moved, kneeling next to Beau, and took her hand. She thought for a while, eyes closing, she searched for something, anything, to help her voice what she needed to say. She looked down at Beau, and smiled. “I… I was lost from you all for a… for a very long time. And I was scared. I was scared that I wouldn’t see you again. Any of you, of course, but mostly you. Beau, I had many moments, when I was… there, when I felt as though the world was all darkness. And then I would sleep. And I would get to dream. And I would sometimes dream of home, sometimes of Zuala. And sometimes of Molly, and his colors. But most often, I would dream of you. You were my solace in that time. I should have told you, you are the reason I survived that. It’s you, Beau. It has been you. It has been looking at you, and knowing that I can’t. But it’s also looking at you now, and knowing I can’t not. It’s very unfair to you, to keep something like that from you. So I… I’m trying. I’m trying to tell you. I have been trying to tell you. I see you Beau, don’t let this be the last of you I see.” Yasha closed her eyes, fingers intertwined with Beaus, and said a silent prayer to the Storm Lord. To push let her come back, if he could help. To save her too. 

The storm that had been building outside crackled to life, lighting arcing across the sky, thunder following shortly. Yasha said a silent thanks. 

Caduceus’s magic swelled, spinning around them, and Beau lifted from the ground, but Yasha refused to let go. Not this time. She watched Beau’s body, in the beautiful dappled light, arch, the magic stretching along her, until she suddenly dropped, caught by some force just before the ground. Beau settled against the ground without a sound. There was a moment of stillness, then another. Then Beau breathed again, chest rising with a slight rasp. Yasha let out a laugh of pain, and pressed a hand to her cheek, healing her for all she could. Beau’s eyes flicked open, blue searching the space around her. She looked at Yasha, finally, and smiled a little. “Fuck.” she muttered, before Yasha let out a laugh, pulled her close, and kissed her. 

-

As far as deaths went, Beau’s wasn’t the worst. She’d been helped up from the hazy, cloud-coated ground by a dark haired man, with what she was fairly certain was antlers growing from his shoulder. He’d explained, speech broken like he was out of practice, that he was to take her to the raven queen so she could help her along. Beau turned back, looking for her friends. “But we have work left to do.” she said. “I still have to… I still need to… I have people who need me. I have to go back.” 

The man’s head tilted, like he was listening to something far off. “We can walk slow. Perhaps they will figure out how to return you.” 

Beau had struggled to remember her death. It all went black after the vision of Yasha. She knew she’d been alive at least an hour after that. But she couldn’t remember.

“That is a gift.” The figure’s cloak was shrouded in feathers. It looked pretty dope, really. “They are not good memories. They are hidden for now.”

Beau nodded. She didn’t like it, but it seemed like a weird thing to fight about. They wandered a while longer, the figure pretending he didn’t notice when Beau started dragging her feet even more severely. 

“Do you have a name?” Beau asked out of the blue.

He seemed perplexed. “I used to. Most people don’t call me by it now.” 

“Can I?” she asked, a wicked smile growing. It would be great to call the grim reaper something like ‘Tom.’

“Maybe. I will let you know.” He said. She couldn’t tell if he thought she was funny. Which annoyed her. 

They kept walking. “What happens next?” she asked. 

“It depends. It seems your friends will try and save you. I hope they do.”

Beau nodded a bit. “ Yeah. Me too.”

They arrived at the foot of the Raven Queen, her imposing figure, looking down. As she spoke her voice seemed to come from everywhere. “Beauregard Lionette. Your friends are setting up a ritual to save your life. Let us stay awhile and listen to them.” Beau nodded, and they did just that. 

Beau’s heart twisted and ached. She couldn’t help but laugh when Nott returned her bracelet. She wanted to sit up and hold Caleb when he called her sister. And when Yasha, voice soft and careful, told her she was what had kept her alive, Beau couldn’t help but feel her breath hitch. And when all was said and done, Beau turned to the Raven Queen and the shrouded figure at her feet. “I have to go back.” she said softly. 

The Raven Queen’s visage did not change, but Beau liked to think she smiled. “Then go back.” 

Beau looked to the figure for confirmation, and in the most human moment since she’d met him, he smiled, giving a small nod. “Thank you.” she called to him, feeling like he was distant. 

“It is my duty.” He replied, then for a moment, he seemed to ponder something. “My name is Vax’ildan. Your brother there, he owes me a feather.”

Beau tried for a moment to make rhyme or reason of that absolutely batshit statement, before she felt herself being pulled. It was a bit like floating, a moment where her soul wasn’t here or there. It just was. 

And then she slammed back to her body, with a vague memory of haze, feathers, and the name Vax’ildan etched into the back of her mind, nearly forgotten for the moment. Forgotten because Yasha was kissing her, because, as soon as Yasha pulled back, Caleb was moving to hug her, because the rest of her family was there too. There were more important things than names of shadowy figures. Beau let herself, still hurting, relax into the hold of her family, into their love, relax against where Yasha was holding her tight, and did a quiet headcount, before allowing her eyes to close, assured they were all there, safe, and alive.

#critical role #beauyasha #critrole #my writing #cr2 #tmn #and now for the rolls #nott 14 #Caleb 14 #Yasha natural fucking 20 #DM 15 #honorary-asexual

[conceptstage]

Dead Easy

I was asked by @rohanrider3 to make a ‘Speak Easy’ style Caleb-centric story. I made it a sequel, I hope you don’t mind.

Caleb dies surrounded by people who love him.

It’s not how he imagined finally going out. He imagined disappearing into the ether with no one to miss him. He imagined his body being found by city guards several days after the fact and burial in an unmarked grave or maybe he would die in the forest and just waste away into nothing. He thinks he would have liked that.

The first explosion knocked him out. Beau cried out pain but didn’t go down, Nott dodged it easily, and Jester screamed, holding onto his arm, but she stayed on her feet even with his weight falling against her. The second explosion knocked Jester and Nott out and pushed him closer to the cliff of death. Beau grit her teeth but stayed up. The third explosion killed him. Jester and Nott started to burn but Beau dodged it entirely.

She gasped for breath as her lungs filled with smoke and she began to feel light headed. She fell to one knee on weak legs but looked up as three shadows exited from the smoke. The first figure that she saw as the smoke cleared was one she recognized. Trent Ikithon. He was smiling victoriously and she wanted nothing more than to knock it off his face. The second figure was a tall, well muscled man with short, dark hair and a red, relatively fresh scar across his cheeks and nose. The third was a demure, short haired woman with cold eyes that sent a chill down Beau’s spine.

She took the time it took them to walk closer to look at her friends. Jester was still breathing, though it was shallow and weak. Nott was facing away from her but her hand was twitching. Caleb’s dead blue eyes stared over at her, blank. She felt dizzy at it wasn’t just from blood loss or smoke inhalation.

The large man came closer first, heading straight towards Caleb. He lifted her friend up and walked passed her back towards Trent.

“No,” she groaned with all the strength that she could. She tried to reach for Caleb’s hand that was hanging down but the other man pulled him out of her reach. Each movement of her screaming muscles, each stretch of her burnt skin sent shots of debilitating pain through her body. “Stop, you can’t- You can’t…”

A hand grabbed her jaw and she was forced to look into the eyes of the cold hearted woman. She clicked her tongue in faux sympathy and then grinned. “Poor dear. I think you need to lay down.” She threw Beau to the ground and pressed her foot against the side of Beau’s face to push her farther into the dust. Beau wrapped her hands around the woman's ankle but couldn’t find the strength to pull it off. She hadn’t felt this weak and useless since she was a child. “Maybe you should focus on saving yourself. Let us worry about Herr Ermendrud, ja?”

“Astrid,” Trent called. “Leave your new toy alone for now. We’ll come back for her and the others.”

Astrid pouted and pulled her foot away, though Beau didn’t release her ankle. She laughed. “Oh, I think it likes me. It won’t let me go.”

Beau gave her a weak smirk that pulled at her busted lip and pressed her thumb hard into a pressure point on Astrid’s ankle. Her eyes widened and she cried out in surprise. “You bitch! I can’t feel my leg!” She stumbled back as her right leg flopped uselessly under her and hit the large man’s chest. “What did you do?”

The look on her face was entirely worth it, Beau thought, even as a fire bolt was sent at her face. That was the last thing that she remembered.

-

Jester woke and groaned as a cool cloth was pressed against her forehead. “Momma? What happened?” It took all her will power to force her eyes open and she recognized the pink hair that was falling into her line of vision. “Caducie?” She mumbled. Suddenly, it all came back to her and she gasped. “Whe-Where-?”

“Shh,” Caduceus shushed her gently. “You have to relax. If you try to move to quickly you’ll make yourself sick.”

“Is everyone one alright?” she croaked.

“Don’t worry about that now, you’ll know everything soon enough. Just focus on getting better.”

That answer should have worried her, but she just nodded and drifted back to sleep. The next time she woke, it was to sun in her eyes. She blinked tiredly and paused to yawn and smack her lips. She sat up with a groan and rubbed her eye, looking around the inn room that she was in.

“Take it slow,” Caduceus said as he crossed the room to kneel in front of her. “How are you feeling?”

“Much better. What happened?”

“You, Beau, Nott, and Caleb were out shopping when you were attacked in the street. Do you remember?”

She remembered flashes. She remembered heat and pain and the weight of Caleb’s unconscious body against her side. “A little. Where is everyone else?” She looked around the room and spotted Beau sitting in the other bed. She looked away, ashamed, when Jester caught her eye, and just turned the tea cup around gingerly in her scarred, calloused fingers. “Beau? What happened?”

Beau sniffled and looked back to met her eyes. Her brown eyes were red rimmed and tired. “I’m sorry, Jes. I couldn’t…. I couldn’t- I’m sorry.”

Jester felt tears gather in the corners of her eyes. “Nott?” Beau shook her head. “Caleb.”

“They, uh-” She cut herself off to wipe as her nose with her thumb. “They killed him. And then they took him away. I’m sorry, I couldn’t- Fuck. Fuck!” She jumped to her feet in anger and threw the cup in her hand against the wall. It shattered and left tea dripping down the wallpaper.

Jester flinched at the shatter and the tears started streaming down her cheeks, catching on her trembling lips. Caduceus reached up and wiped a tear away with his large thumb. She sniffled and nodded. “Then we’ll get him back.” She was trying to sound determined was sure that her voice was shaking. “We’ll go and save him.”

Beau nodded. “Yeah. We will.” She dropped back on the bed with her head in her hands. “Sorry about the cup, Cad.”

“No worries. I know better than to give you the expensive ones.”

Beau snorted in laughter despite herself and cleared her throat. “Let’s track down some wizards, shall we?”

-

Nott hadn’t let go of his scarf since she woke up. She had it wrapped around her neck but it was long enough for the ends to be held tightly in each fist as the others loaded up the cart. The sky was dark and full of swirling gray clouds. The rain wouldn’t be long now. Yasha gently picked Nott up and Fjord slid one of the their boxes of rations under her. Yasha sat her back down on top of it as Fjord left, but Yasha stayed and looked her in the eye.

“Are you alright?” she asked, stoically.

Nott shrugged. “Are you?”

Yasha hesitated. “I’ll survive. I lost Zuala, I survived. I lost Molly, I survived. You’ll survive too.”

“Will I?” She thought about never seeing Caleb smile again and her chest felt cold. “I’m not so sure.”

Yasha, however, was sure. “You will. You have your husband and son who still need you. You’ll survive for them until you can survive for yourself again.”

Nott sighed and started rolling up the ends of the scarf idly. “Thanks. It still hurts.”

“Yes, it does. And it always will.”

It wasn’t the most uplifting speech ever but there was something about her frankness that was comforting. Nott couldn’t really put a name to what Yasha’s words made her feel. It was cold but satisfying, like reaching the end of a melancholy story. “Yeah,” she mumbled getting to her feet to start helping everyone pack up the cart and put up the canvas covering.

Caduceus climbed up into the front seat and looked up at the sky just in time for a raindrop to fall down and land square on the tip of his nose. He pulled his cloak tighter around his shoulders and adjusted his wide brim hat to cover his face. He backed into the cover to see the others getting comfortable, squeezed together around the supplies. “Ready?”

Beau was leaning her head on Jester’s shoulder and Jester was running her hand kindly through Beau’s loose hair. “Yep.”

“Let’s head out,” Fjord said from the other side of the cart.

Caduceus nodded and turned to look forward, clicking his tongue to get the horses moving forward towards Rexentrum.

-

Fjord gave a rage-filled battle cry and whipped up his sword to protect himself. The Mordenkainens Sword that was floating in the center of the tower foyer clashed against it and he nearly lost his footing. The force pressed against him and he felt a layer of sweat gathering under his armor.

Yasha ran up behind him and brought her Magician's Judge up in a wide arc to shatter the sword in the air. “Go!” she yelled, adjusted her hands on the hilt of her sword. Eodwulf growled at them and summoned ice to his fingers. Yasha paused to look back at the rest of the group over her shoulder. “Go! Find Caleb!”

Beau grit her teeth and looked between her and Fjord, doubt in her eyes. Jester grabbed her elbow and gave her pleading eyes until she licked her lips and nodded. “Don’t die!” she called, then she turned and lead the others up the stone stairs.

Nott ran around Beau’s legs to take the lead, hurrying up the stairs on all fours with leaping strides. “Hurry, there’s only a few hours-!” She was cut off as she breached the top of the stairwell and immediately had to dodge a dark, burning orb of necrotic energy that was hurtled towards her. She slid across the floor and pulled out her crossbow, aiming it where the orb had come from on instinct. Beau came out next, sliding to a stop and holding out her hand to stop Jester and Caduceus before they could leave the safety of the stairway.

“Astrid, right?” she asked, feigning nonchalance. They had come to a large chamber that looked like it was designed for dining but it was void of furniture and filled only with cobwebs. It wasn’t set up for long term living, they’d managed to catch up to the wizards when they stopped to rest in a defunct wizard’s towers.

The woman gave her a teasing smile and wiggled her fingers in greeting. “Ah, mein neues Lieblingsspielzeug. Did you miss me?”

“You know, you’d be really hot if it wasn’t for all the crazy. Where’s Caleb?”

The woman shrugged. “Who?”

“We won’t call him by the name you knew him by, he’s not the same man,” Nott insisted, aiming her crossbow. “His name is Caleb now. Where is he?”

“It won’t matter, you’ll never reach him.” She raised her hand to cast another spell and Nott loosed a bolt which hit her in the shoulder and interrupted her words. “Agh!”

“Keep going,” Nott said, quickly moving towards cover across the room. “Keep going!”

“Nott?!” Beau exclaimed, waving the clerics forwards to started moving to the next stairwell around the curve of the outer wall.

Nott looked over the box she’d ducked behind to shoot at Astrid again. “Keep going!” she called again. “Save my boy!”

Beau looked up the stairs just in time to see Jester’s dress disappear around the curved stairs and moved to follow. When she reached the top of the second set of stairs, she had to stumble to a stop to keep from crashing into Jester. Beau followed her eyes and they landed on a man standing in the center of what appeared to be an old library.

“I knew you would come,” Trent said, folding his hands over the expensive red jewel that sat on top of his cane. “Though, I must admit, I’m impressed you managed to find us. I thought we covered our tracks better than that. Tell me, what gave us away?”

Beau pointed to the cane. “Locate Object.”

The got a chuckle from him. “Ah, so it was my Eitelkeit, my vanity, that will lead to my downfall. Fitting. I will not go down without a fight.”

“Course not,” said Beau, nodding to Caduceus. “That would be boring.” Caduceus nodded back and started moving up the wood ladder to the second floor of the library and the single door on the far wall.

Trent clicked his tongue. “Ah, ah, not so fast, my large friend.” He pointed at Caduceus and a single trail of lightning fizzled at his fingertips until it flew through the air at Caduceus' back.

Jester surged forward and whipped of her shield, deflecting the lightning into the wood ceiling which splinted and scorched. With a wave of her hands, she summoned her serrated lollipop and grasped the stick with both fingers. “I don’t think so, you cryptkeeper!”

Beau started to run forward, pulling her staff off her back and crying out in rage as she swung it forward. “Hey, motherfucker! Over here!”

The staff hit a magic shield that rippled in the air and then disappeared once more. Trent smirked. “You didn’t think it’d be that easy, did you? This old man still has some tricks.”

A wave of force hit them both in the chest and threw them backwards, Beau head first into the stone wall and Jester back against the bookshelf. The dusty, distressed books tumbled off the shelf in an avalanche over her head. She took a deep breath and wipe the dust from her eyes, then cried out and sent her lollipop forward. “Eat this!” the blades started turning around the sucker and it sent up sparks when it hit his shield. Trent frowned and Jester saw the shield getting weaker around him.

Beau sat up, her vision spinning but she picked one of the three Trents that she could see at the moment and activated her gloves, sending an arc of lightning through the air towards his face. It hit his shield and hesitated for a moment but then pushed through it to sting him directly in the center of the chest.

The shield faded away and it threw him across the room to crash into the plush chair and send up a cloud of dust. He growled and waved his cane towards Beau. Her vision began to clear just in time for her to dodge a giant blue hand that flew passed her and tried to grab at her arm but couldn’t doge to orb of fire that barreled towards her, scorching the stones and filling the room with dense heat. She gasped for breath against the wall and reached up to touch the wet spot on the back of her head, but put that concern to the side for now. She looked up at Trent and he pointed his cane at her once more.

“Do me a favor, Beauregard dear. Die.”

Beau’s eyes widened. She recognized that spell. She’d seen the wizards in the Dynasty use it on convicted criminals. The instant death spell, Power Word Kill. She knew that she was injured enough for it to affect her but she never felt the cold grip of death.

“Counterspell!” Fjord exclaimed, bursting from the stairwell and holding up his hand. Yasha pushed passed him and growled as she stormed towards him, Nott perched on her shoulders with her crossbow loaded and aimed.

“Eat shit, motherfucker!” Nott exclaimed, shooting him and then jumping onto the floor, landing in a roll.

He knocked the bolt out of the air with his cane. Yasha surged forward, screaming at the top of her lungs, and ran him through with her sword. He gasped and twitched on the end until the light left this eyes.

Jester rushed over to help keep her steady and Cured her wounds by running her fingers over the line of Beau’s hair. Beau gave her a small smile and leaned back against the wall, gasping for breath and holding the burn on her side as it healed up under her fingers. Jester moved on to Heal the frostbite on the tip of Fjord’s nose and along his cheeks.

Someone cleared their throat and everyone one turned to look up at Caduceus, standing resolute at the railing of the second floor balcony. “It’s ready.”

Jester and Beau exchanged a glance and Beau pushed off the wall to lead everyone up the single wooden ladder. They stepped into the far room, empty except for the old, mussed bed in the corner where their missing, deceased friend lay dead. There were faded green, moth eaten curtains that fluttered silently in the wind. Caduceus had incense burning on the floor in an arc around the bed and there were glittering shards of diamond floating in the air around Caleb’s chest.

This was the first full ritual that Beau had seen. The last thing the team had done had been for her, she wasn’t sure what was expected of her so she stayed in the back and let the others filter in and gather around the bed.

Nott rushed forward first, climbing up into the bed to kneel on his other side and take his cold, clammy hand. He was bloated and kind of gross actually and barely even looked like the man they all loved.

“How close did we cut it?” she asked, pushing his long hair out of his face.

“Seven hours,” Caduceus said quietly. “Seven hours and it would have been too late.”

Nott let out a shaky breath. “I’ll do it first,” she said. “I know…” she paused and tried to plan her words. “... I know that you might not want to come back. Life hasn’t been good to you. It’s understandable. And if you don’t come back I won’t be mad, I promise. We’ll bury you in a pretty garden and visit you all the time to talk. But I’ll be sad for the rest of my life and I’ll miss you everyday. So please come back and give life a chance.”

Everyone glanced around to see who would go next and were honestly surprised when Yasha stepped up. She pulled something out of her pocket, a small paper bag that had been folded and folded until it was pocket sized. Jester recognized it from the town they’d stopped in for supplies a few days ago, Yasha had left the store with it and had refused to answer her curious questions about what it was. She unfolded it slowly, taking her sweet time without saying a word, and then pulled out a folding straight razor. The handle was beautiful, obviously some kind of antique, with delicate carvings in ivory. She sat it on his chest and picked up his hand to cover it and keep it from falling.

She stepped away then, nonchalantly folding the paper bag back up and shoving it back in her pocket.

No one moved to be next. Everyone had an idea of something that they could contribute. Jester wanted to tearfully tell him the story of the day they met from her point of view. Tell him how smart and suave she’d thought he was. She thought that he would get a kick out of that. Fjord wanted to apologize. For pointing his sword at him, for doubting him, for never fully trusting that he had the group’s best interests at heart. Caduceus had the Parapet of Wound Closure in his hands and was turning it over in his fingers but he didn’t move to hand it over. He turned to Beau instead.

She was practically vibrating beside him, bouncing on the balls of her feet and breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth like she was trying to psych herself up. She shook out her hands nervously but didn’t move right away. Caduceus cleared his throat and gently pushed her forward with a kind hand on her back.

“Go on,” he whispered. “I think he’d want to hear from you.”

Beau blinked at him in surprise. “I thought… I thought you’d try to stop me. What if I mess it up? What if he won’t come back and it’s all my fault?”

“You won’t mess it up. You couldn’t. You’re a sister to him. Anything that you have to say to him, he’ll understand.”

Beau frowned and looked at Jester, who grinned at her with tears in her eyes and stepped to the side. Beau took another deep breath and moved forward to stand beside the bed. She cleared her throat and glanced once more over her shoulder before finally turning to look at his face.

“Hey,” she said, then she winced because it was lame. “I don’t… know if you can hear me. I don’t know if you care. Maybe you’ve already moved on and I’m just wasting my breath. But I don’t think I’d ever forgive myself if I didn’t at least try.” She sighed and shoved her hands in her pockets. “I won’t lie, you’ve got more reasons than most to just say ‘fuck it’. If you decided that this wasn’t worth it, that we weren’t worth it, I would understand. I want you to know that I… I love you. And I hope you realize how hard that is for me to say. Usually, it’s not worth it, to love things or people. Because they leave or they get taken away and there’s nothing you can do about it, so what’s the point. But you, uh…” she sniffled and wiped at her nose, pointedly avoiding Nott’s eyes from across Caleb’s body. “You made it worth it. No matter what happens next, you were worth it. Even when we fought… maybe especially when we fought, I was grateful to have you around.” She let out the breath she’d been holding and turned stare at Caduceus' chest plate, not feeling brave enough to meet his eyes and possibly see disappointment in them. “H-How was that?”

Before anyone could answer, there was a sharp, unsteady breath from behind her. She gasped and spun around to see Caleb’s chest start to rise and fall. Nott burst out into tears and pressed her face against Caleb's neck as the normal color and shape began to return to his skin. A cheer went up in the room and everyone moved to crowd around his still unconscious body.

-

Beau was on watch when he woke up. She was staring into the flames as they licked at the stick that she was idly waving through it and nearly jumped out of her skin when he groaned from the other side of the camp. She didn’t move right away, thinking that it might have just been a false alarm. He groaned in his sleep sometimes. Nightmares, she assumed.

But when she leaned around the fire to find his face in the flickering orange light she saw his blue eyes staring tiredly back at her.

“Beau?”

She threw the half chared stick into the fire and crawled on her hands and knees to kneel beside him. “The fuck are you doing up? Cad said it would be a few days still.” She pushed him down when he tried to sit up. “Didn’t you give me this exact lecture when it was my turn to go through this?”

Caleb groaned and squeezed his eyes shut. “And if I remember correctly, you woke me up in the middle of the night to make me teach you a spell anyway and we stayed up for hours.”

“Yeah well, you were dead twice as long as I was.”

He blinked at her, his eyes still unfocused. “Was I?”

She sighed, her posture softening. “Yeah. We were almost too late. Seven hours.” She handed him her waterskin and helped him take several large gulps. “But I don’t have any spells to teach you, I only know the one. So go the fuck to sleep.” When he was finished drinking she pushed him back into his bedroll and crawled back to her spot across the fire.

He was quiet for a few minutes but she knew that he wasn’t asleep. “You know… when I was dying… I was certain that it was the end. That I wasn’t going to come back. That, even if you were able to do the ritual, that it wouldn’t work because my soul wouldn’t want to come back.”

“Then why did you?” She asked, trying to keep the curious tone out of her voice and appear stoic instead.

He fingered the folded, ivory straight razor that had been sitting in his breast pocket since they’d left the tower but didn’t seem confused or surprised by it, like he didn’t even need to ask where it had come from. “Because I love you too. And The Mighty Nein are worth it.”

#critical role #beauregard #caleb widogast #prompt #jester #fjord #yasha #nott the brave #caduceus clay #critical role fic #Empire Kids #disaster siblings