#And only recently realized just how much I overwhelmed myself by trying to give these muses

[reverieaa]

Feel.

Let me start off by saying this: stop trying to find something that will finally trick your mind into believing it to be real.

I recently got curious as to why we read so much on how to manifest and once we have all the knowledge we need, we seek more and more.

The more we read the more clueless and helpless we feel. These are things I think abt often, in order to make my posts as helpful as possible because I see what a lot of you struggle in.

First you seek your desires, and when you're told you should not seek your desires-you seek to not seek them. You seek the feeling and then you're told it comes from the state- so now you seek to feel the state.

You read this post that tells you you should understand how loa works and now you seek to understand.

This is because you feel yourself to be a certain way, and take it as the truth.

I sat with myself and started thinking about where I went wrong, why I feel so trapped and helpless when I have knowledge on everything I need to know and more I order to manifest?

I came to the conclusion that to me, a lot of loa posts teach manifesting and everything around it like a school book. Like the topic itself is beautiful, but when you try to explain it logically, it becomes boring and forceful.

You seek more information because the way it's given to you.

I came to the conclusion that I never liked the word "belief", it's what always stopped. It traps me into trying hard, repeating info until you get overwhelmed and bullying yourself when you sprial. Creating blockages by feeling like something is wrong with you.

I'm glad Edward art's recent video talks about this, and as he would put it; it creates a hell of your own.

When you think of belief, you think of I think of habit and something that's hardended and complex. When you think of habit you think of repetition, and then you go back to repeating affirmations until you spiral again and fall down.

Only to ignore being honest with yourself because you're afraid and deny yourself that care when you need it to the most

Let me make it clear when I say: your problem is not belief, it is feeling.

If you are looking for a step by step loa manifestation routine that will guarantee you your desires faster than the void, you're in the wrong place, and have the wrong idea.

It is then when you sprial. When you restrict yourself and logically try to make yourself strongly belief in your manifestation.

A lot of you have seen repeating lines from every loa blog, mabye you're tired of us saying that "imagination is the only reality" and " you are God and other than you there is none above " and wished we'd say something different, something that would help you, but what else is there??

What else is there more to say after discovering you are God and that everything is a reflection within you?? Nothing because it covers everything there is to know.

You only "fail to manifest" when you fail to feel yourself be God. Not believe yourself be God, FEEL yourself to be God, feel to be the only reality, when you fail to feel yourself be the only one in power, that is when you state comes forward and you dress yourself in it.

Please meditate on my words, and truly accept yourself to be the only one. I'm talking about feeling it to the bone, not just become aware and then go onto the next post, realize what this means to you. The rest follows you, as everything does.

If it's said that everything is taken care of, thay you need only to go to the end, be aware that as God it is already so, then what else is there to do other than accept and feel how it is?

You only need to give yourself permission to shamelessly feel yourself to be, and all the worries you had before will quiet down. Do not think about checking how much you believe you have your desires and actually enjoy what it's like already having them.

Don't try to believe, but feel.

#affirm and persist #law of assumption #loa #manifesation #manifesting #neville goddard #3d #affirmations #loa methods #void state

[theslut4smut]

𝗺𝘆 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸 𝗼𝗳 𝗮𝗿𝘁 | 𝗵𝘄𝗮𝗻𝗴 𝗵𝘆𝘂𝗻𝗷𝗶𝗻

𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗴𝗼𝗿𝘆: fluff & smut

𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗽𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: hyunjin uses his wonderful artistic skills to make his sweet y/n realize how beautiful her body is when she becomes ridden with insecurity

𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁: 4.5k

𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗹𝘂𝗱𝗲𝘀: afab reader, curvy/heavier/plus sized reader, insecure reader, sub!reader, i don’t even wanna say softdom!hyunjin… he’s just the sweetest and mushiest little gumdrop that is trying to make you smile and cum simultaneously, terms of endearment, lots of “i love you” ’s, some tears, kissing, oral (f receiving), fingering, sweet ol’ missionary 🥹, USES YOU LIKE A CANVAS!!!

𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲𝘀: this was requested!! to the sweet little baby anony that requested this, i hope you don’t mind that i added more of an overall body insecurity. of course i will still mention hyunjin loving that big ol’ booty like you asked, but i felt the story would be too short with just that.

i’m a chubby fat girl myself, so this should be ✨ healing ✨

also!

my second hyunjin story! and it’s another insecurity reassurance one 🥺🤧

_____________________________________

you peek into the somewhat messy room. canvases of different sizes leaned against the walls, used paintbrushes in tubs of water, tubes and buckets of paints scattered along the floor.

hyunjin’s safe space.

the room he’d go to when he felt overwhelmed or stressed, excited, inspired.

you look over to him sitting in his chair in front of a large canvas, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he twists and twirls the brush in between his fingertips.

he was so handsome like this.

you make your way over to him and hold up the bowl of fruit you had prepared for him in his line of sight.

he snaps out of his focused state. “ah.” he says, smiling excitedly before putting the brush down.

he places an orange slice into his mouth, closing his eyes and letting out a hum of approval. “fruit is always so much better when you give it to me.”

you laugh softly. “all i do is cut it.”

“mm, well you’re a great cutter.”

you give him a playful eyeroll before turning to look at the progress of his creation that only had a few strokes near the bottom.

“what is it gonna be?” you ask, tilting your head to the side.

he takes the bowl from your hands and sets it on the desk in front of him. “a surprise for you.”

you look at him with wide and sparkling eyes. “for me?”

“don’t act like i haven’t made you hundreds of them already.” he says, laughing softly as he wiped his brush on a stained cloth.

“i know.” you start, turning back to the painting. “but it makes me feel so special every time.”

he places a hand on your bottom, rubbing his palm on it in circles. “you are special.”

you feel your body stiffen as he continues to touch you. as much as you loved hyunjin’s affection, you had been struggling with insecurity for the past couple of weeks and it was causing you to not want to be felt or even perceived by him.

of course he had respected the lack of intimacy the two of you had shared in recent time, not questioning the excuses you had when you stopped moments that were becoming intense.

it made you feel miserable. not allowing yourself to kiss, caress or savor hyunjin the way you so desperately craved.

hiding yourself behind baggy clothing of either yours or his just to not be seen. eating only enough to survive instead of what was satisfying.

you knew that you didn’t have to hide yourself away like this. being a larger girl was something you were always self conscious about.

and despite those insecurities, hyunjin did nothing but show love and admiration for them.

you were one thousand percent certain that you were loved and that he would never see you the way you see yourself, but it was just too hard to fully accept.

you reach around to his hand that was still playing with your bottom and interlock your fingers with his, pulling it up to kiss his knuckles.

he closes his eyes and smiles at you.

“i’m only allowing you in here because you can’t tell what it is yet.” he says.

you giggle.

he grabs you by the waist and turns you around to look at him.

he pats his thigh as he looks up at you. “c’mere, baby.” he says softly.

“no, it’s okay.” you say, rubbing your lips together as you try to keep your composure.

he shakes his head as he furrows his brows. “you love to sit on my lap while i paint.”

you begin to pick and pull at your fingers as you think of excuses.

“i can’t watch you, it’s a surprise.” you stammer.

he sighs with a laugh as he shakes his head again, grabbing your hand. “i’m just placing the base color today. you won’t be able to tell.”

he begins to pull you into him, puckering his lips to kiss you.

“i-i don’t even wanna see that.” you dig your heels into the groan.

“angel, it’s fine.” he says, using more of his strength to bring you closer.

“hyunjin, please!”

he immediately stops, giving you a concerned look.

“i’m not sitting on you, hyunjin. i cannot sit on you.” you exhale deeply as you place your hair behind your ears and cross your arms over your chest.

he lets go of you, placing both hands on his knees. “you don’t want to or you can’t?”

you close your eyes as you let out a shaky breath. “i… can’t.”

he leans closer, poking his cheek with his tongue. “and why can’t you?”

“i’m… ”

“you’ll hurt me because you’re too heavy?”

you bite the inside of your cheek.

he sighs as he rubs his temples and closes his eyes. “god, y/n.”

he shakes his head as he looks around the room.

“what have i told you? what have i done to ever make you feel like you’re not able to relax and accept yourself?”

“it’s not anything you did, hyunjin.” you say softly.

he stands up and pulls you into him, caressing your hair as you lay against his chest. “i wish you could see yourself the way i do.”

you move your head, your chin pressing into him as you look up into his eyes.

“i think you’re so perfect. inside and out.”

you smile sweetly as he continues.

“everything about you, i adore. your smile, your laugh, your voice, the way you hold me.” he kisses your forehead softly. “i don’t care what you think, your body is gorgeous. desirable. it’s beautiful because it belongs to you. and anything that has to do with you is everything i’ll ever want.”

you close your eyes as you shake your head slightly.

“yes.” he says, holding your face with his hands. “you don’t have to believe me for it to be true.”

“i know you mean it, but it’s been so hard.” your voice cracks slightly.

“baby.” he wraps his arms tighter around you as he places kisses into your hair.

you squeeze onto him desperately, feeling as if you hadn't experienced the sensation of his body on yours in ages.

all of the horrible and intrusive thoughts that had been clouding your mind for the last several days were finally silent as he held you in his embrace.

there was no need to ever feel insecure with a lover like hyunjin, but it was so difficult sometimes. it was clear he meant all of the praises he gave you. whether it be for your looks or what made you you. quirks, traits, habits.

you felt guilty for it not even being that serious. you were confident in who you were. you were never one to make jabs at yourself or feel incompetent. you gave yourself grace for making mistakes and congratulated yourself when you accomplished a task.

it was purely physical. you hated the way you looked.

life would just be so much easier in a smaller body.

and you knew how much that upset hyunjin too. he always talked about how cheap it was to value or prioritize appearance over well being and personality.

looks alter and change as time goes on, and it's such a waste of time to spend the years of your life that are filled with the most freedom and opportunity worried about whether or not people find you attractive.

you knew it wasn't important, but there was also a part of your mind that couldn't accept that it was okay to not stress about what size you were or the number on the scale.

you were always so close, yet so far.

the hardest part had to be the lack of intimacy. you wanted to throw all of your cares away and just let hyunjin have you the way he wanted, but something always held you back.

you missed his touch, the way he smelled, the feeling of the two of you becoming one.

you couldn't bare to go a second longer without him.

"hyunjin." you huff breathlessly as you dig your nails into the grey sweatshirt he was wearing.

he pulls away and looks down into your pleading eyes staring back up at him.

he places your hair behind your ears before pulling you in with his hand placed on the back of your head, ghosting his lips over yours. "can i take care of you, baby? i just want to make you feel better."

you let out a soft whine as you nod slightly.

he grabs your hand and pulls you beside him as he clears the tools and brushes from his desk.

he turns back to you and places his hands on either side of you, causing you to hold your breathe.

he notices, letting out a small sigh. "i can lift you, angel. you don't need to be scared."

you release a shaky breath as you looked down at your feet.

he redirects your gaze back onto him, cocking an eyebrow. "may i please?"

you fold your lips in before exhaling through your nose and nodding.

he smiles happily, lifting you up from the floor. you can feel your heart rate quicken as you watch his toned arms flex. it had been too long without him.

he places you onto the now clear surface, running a hand down your clothed body.

even with the barrier between the two of you, you could feel the jolts of electricity run through you.

you let out a soft moan.

he chuckles softly, pecking your lips. "can i take off a few layers, princess?"

you squeeze your eyes shut tightly as you nod.

"awe." he laughs an empathetic laugh as he caresses the side of your face. "it"s been so long, hasn't it, baby?"

"yes." you whine.

he begins to undress you, maintaining eye contact as he does.

"is this why you've been avoiding our special time?" he asks, rubbing his hand over your soft skin.

you nod as you pout.

"oh, baby." he coos. "i'm so sorry i didn't bring it up. i just assumed you wanted your space."

he stops inches away from your lips. you feel his breath fan against your face. "let me make it up to you."

before you can respond, his lips are on yours.

you sigh into the kiss as he gently pushes you to lay on your back.

the cool surface against your bare skin makes you hiss slightly, but you’re too distracted to pay that much attention to it.

he remains standing as he continues to make out with your soft and lust swollen lips.

“i missed you, my baby.” he says in between the smacking of your two mouths.

you let out a soft whine. “missed you.”

he giggles that cute giggle of his at how worked up you are just over kissing. it's been some time since the two of you had shared a moment like this.

he pulls away to admire you. the way your soft and supple skin glowed under the gentle morning sun that spilled in through the open window. stray pieces of hair that framed your red and pleasure covered face beautifully.

"hyunjin." you say, soft and needy. "i don't want all of the build up right now. i need you so bad."

he laughs through his nose before leaning in to place a kiss on your forehead. "i never want to deprive you, angel. just let me savor and take my time with you the way you deserve."

you let out a whine as you close your eyes and squeeze your thighs shut.

"you're just so... breathtaking." he says.

you keep your eyes shut as he continues on, trying to calm down as you feel yourself become more and more aroused.

"all of the art i’ve seen in my life, whether it be mine or someone else's. it could never, ever compare to you, my love."

"hyunjin-"

"ah." he stops you with a finger against your lips. "i wont argue with you. you cannot change the way i feel."

you can hear him shuffle through something on his desk before he begins to speak again.

"i've tried to encapsulate your beauty so many times before, but it simply cannot be replicated. no one could create your perfection on a canvas."

he's silent for a few moments before you feel cold paint touch the surface of your skin.

you gasp sharply as your eyes snap open.

"shh." he coos, using your chin to pull you in for a kiss. "i can't show how beautiful you are through a painting, so let me try it this way instead."

he leans down to kiss your exposed tummy, causing you to slightly push his head away.

his big brown eyes look up into yours.

“y/n, let me be creative with your body. have you see it the way i do. there’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

he uses the pads of his fingers to gently outline the shape of your curves with the light pink shade, his eyes sparkling with love and admiration as he did.

“look at how beautiful this is, my love. the way you were created.”

you glance down yourself. even though it was nothing but simple tracing, he always managed to make things look so good. whether it was a sneaky doodle of you on a coffee shop napkin or a quick sketch of the sunset on the horizon, it was never sloppy.

“i love how full and soft you are, baby.” he starts, moving his fingers up to one of your nipples and swirling the paint, causing you to slightly twitch and sigh. “sensitive, too.”

he gently places his hands on both of your knees before spreading your legs and slightly lifting them to your chest.

you make an uncomfortable noise before turning your head away.

“what is it, my love?”

“i don’t like that.” you say softly with a slight crack in your voice.

“don’t like what?” he leans into you as he places a strand of hair behind your ear, observing your upset expression.

“the way my stomach does that.”

he furrows his brows before pulling away and looking down at your tummy. he places his hand on it before looking back up to you.

“the way it doubles into rolls, i- i hate that.”

“my tummy would do this too if i were in the same position as you.”

“hyunjin, that’s not the same. yours is not nearly as big as mine.”

he blinks at you without saying a word before dipping into more paint, swirling colors near your lower tummy and thighs.

you whine again.

“your skin being able to stretch and move to accommodate your needs is a blessing, angel. not something to feel distain towards.”

he begins to trace tulips and dandelions on your left thigh while gently kneading your right.

you huff and sigh as he does, not being able to handle his close proximity to your most aching part.

“i love the way your tummy folds like that.” he says, looking up from his doodles on your skin, cocking a single brow. “it reminds me of how good and spread i have you for me.”

your chest begins to rise up and down quickly at his words, causing you to grab onto his arm in desperation of some sort of stimulation.

he smirks proudly to himself, knowing the effect he has on you. “and these thighs.” he leans down to gently peck the soft and plush skin, making sure not to smudge the fresh designs. “thick and enticing. the way they force me in between them once you can’t take anymore.”

you gasp as you begin to squirm.

“yeah, pretty girl? you love suffocating me with these when i’m making you shake and cry, don’t you? the way i dig my fingers into them as you press into me harder and harder? completely disregarding my oxygen intake as i devour you. feeling you just let go. twitching and spasming all over my tongue. you love that, huh, my angel?”

“h-hyunjin.”

“shh.” he coos, leaning down and brushing his lips delicately against yours. “you have to stay calm for me, baby. we haven’t even started yet.”

he pulls away from you before resuming his previous actions.

“you just get so excited, huh?“ he begins to trace his fingers closer and closer to your heat, but never to the exact spot you needed him.

you nod quickly, letting out a huff.

“but so patient, too.”

you open your mouth to plead, only to be cut off by the feeling of his breath ghosting over your swollen bud.

he looks up from your slick and eager heat with a deep desire in his eyes, his pupils slightly blown out.

“why don’t you do that thing that i love so much, hmm? just crush me in between them. show me how you’re able to let go for me.”

you gasp as you feel yourself beginning to pulse and contract on nothing.

“can you do that for me, pretty baby?”

“y-yes.” you whine breathlessly.

without another word, his lips connect themselves onto your sensitive clit, causing you to squeal as lapped up the juices you were already starting to secrete.

his fingers quickly find their way inside of you.

you let out a short and quick squeak as he pumps them in and out of you rapidly.

“oh-“ you grab onto his wrist, the sensation already being too much.

“pretty girl.” he says breathlessly against your skin as he continues to split you open on the two digits while simultaneously sucking onto your mound. “taking my fingers so well.”

you clench around him as you begin to feel the knot in your lower tummy form.

god, it’s really been far too long.

he can feel how close you’re becoming as his eyes pierce into yours.

he quickens the pace.

small trickles of your arousal begin to fly and shoot out of you before you’re full on squirting into his large hand.

“that’s it, baby. mix those colors for me.”

your hand quickly covers your face as it burns red, feeling humiliated at just how fast you came undone.

and just as he wished, your thighs slam into either side of his head with a thud, causing a muffled moan of his to vibrate throughout your core.

cries and moans of his name fall past your lips as he helps you through your intense orgasm, rubbing your thigh reassuringly as he did.

your legs twitch and shake as he continues.

a warm and soft kiss from his full and pouty lips grounds you a bit as your climax reaches its end.

you didn’t even realize he was no longer buried face first into your needy cunt.

you let out an exhausted sigh.

he disconnects from the kiss and pulls his dripping fingers out of you before rubbing the mess you made for him all over your body, swirling the lilac and mint green paint from the lower half of you in a beautiful way.

you look up to the ceiling while you regulate your rapid breathing as he begins to open another can of paint.

he whistles a tune to himself as he dips into the pale yellow, allowing you the time to become fully present for him again.

your head feels fuzzy and filled with love as it all sets in for you.

it’s been so long without hyunjin and the pleasure he’s able to bring you.

he was always so patient and delicate with you. like you were his little flower to nurture and protect.

you feel tears already beginning to prickle at your lash line.

he walks over to you with a sweet smile as he continued to stir the fresh paint with his finger.

“you back, baby?” he asks sweetly, his voice filled with tenderness and warmth.

you hum in response, still not being able to form words yet.

he sets the paint down and leans in to peck your forehead.

you grab onto his sweatshirt, letting out a whine.

he chuckles under his breath before softly caressing the outer part of your ear with his thumb. “you want me to take it off?”

“mhm.” you tug at his collar as you try to pull yourself closer to him.

he obliges, pulling the puffy top over his head and leaning back into you.

you take your turn to show hyunjin how you feel through art, dipping into the paint and tracing small hearts along his abdomen.

he smiles at you endearingly as he hums happily, rubbing his knuckles along the sides of your waist and hips.

he re-coats the now dry paint, using his long and slender fingers to stain the surface of your skin, twisting left, right, up and down to make different shapes and patterns.

“this color reminds me of the light you bring into my life. like my eternal sunshine even on the cloudiest of days.”

you bite your lip, once again feeling the overwhelming bubble of emotions trying to fight their way out.

his praise was never anything surface level and simple such as: “you’re beautiful” or “you make me happy.” it was always so much deeper and more passionate.

“when i see you, it’s like there’s no such thing as pain or heartache. nothing could ever phase me with you in my presence.” he says, taking his non-paint covered hand to stroke your cheek softly.

you sniffle a little as you place both hands on either side of his face and pull him in, noses touching.

“you know that, don’t you? how much you mean to me?” he asks.

you bite your lip as you try to suppress an upcoming cry, nodding your head. “yes.”

he places his hands on both of your hips before turning your body to face him as he stood before you.

“don’t ever think you have to deprive yourself from me. i will always be here to reassure you. in any way, my love. with my words, paintings, my tongue, fingers.”

you shiver as he whispers against your neck.

you pull him into a kiss by his hair.

“love you, hyunjin.” you stop to let out a soft and needy moan as he nibbles at your jawline. “i love you so much.”

he lifts his hips up before finally entering you, causing you to throw your head back as you let out a long and high pitched moan, your fingers turning white as you grab onto his torso.

“look at me, baby.” he says softly, pulling your head back up.

he exhales deeply before pressing his forehead onto yours, pounding into you harder and filling the room with the sound of your two bodies becoming one.

“take me, take me, take me.” he says, breathing heavily as he devoured you with his eyes.

“oh- oh my god.” you dig your nails into the flesh of his back desperately, wishing you could be even closer to him than you are right now.

“mhm.” he groans, grabbing onto your face as he kisses you, smearing paint onto your skin.

“you’re so beautiful, angel. so perfect. you were created so divinely and with such grace. i’ll never stop thanking every star that you’re mine. all mine, my baby.”

you begin to flutter and pulse around him, gasping as you arch your back. “hyunjin!” you whine.

“give it to me, baby. you’re so gorgeous when you come undone for me.” his voice becomes more desperate and filled with whimpers as his thrusts begin to falter and lose precision.

the two of you hold onto each others faces as you both unravel onto and into one another, moaning loudly as you reach your peaks together.

“ah! i love you, i love you, i love you.” he says through gritted teeth, fingers bruising your skin as he fucks in and out of you.

you stop fighting back the tears that so desperately want to escape and allow yourself to cry softly as you lay your head against his shoulder, slightly twitching as the waves of pleasure crash over you.

he exhales deeply once he’s finished, lifting your head up to meet his gaze as he smiles at you.

your face is pink and stained with a few blots of mascara, hair slightly untamed. but to hyunjin, it was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen.

“you did such a good job, angel.” he says, caressing your cheek tenderly, wiping your tears with the pad of his thumb.

you smile as you bat your sleepy lashes up at him.

he changes both of your positions, switching the two of you to lay on your sides as you spoon each other.

“thank you.” you say softly to him.

he runs a finger from your forehead, to your nose, over your lips, down to your chin before tilting his head to the side. “you don’t need to thank me, baby. i’ll always be here to help you see the beauty in you that i do. i promise.”

your face turns a light shade of pink as you look down. he lifts it back up, smiling that precious squinty smile of his before kissing your lips soft and delicately.

“let’s just stay like this for a little while.” he says, closing his eyes as he rests his chin on top of your head, pulling you in closer.

“hyunjin, i’m not napping on your art desk.” you say, pushing yourself away from him and giving him a sassy look.

he groans dramatically, throwing his head back. “i had a feeling you wouldn’t.”

you giggle softly as you get up from the desk, looking down at your bottom with a sigh. “ugh, it’s so big, hyunjin.” you say, shaking your head.

“hmm. let me see, baby.” he says, giving you a concentrated and serious expression as you turn around for him.

he doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, causing you to look back at him. “what is the point of- ow!”

you spin around, rubbing the cheek of yours that was stinging with burn of his slap. you feel something wet on your hand, realizing that it was paint.

you gasp. “did you just put paint on my butt?!” you try to hold back your laughter, wanting to seem upset with him.

“that’s what you get for speaking poorly about your body.” he says, wiping his paint covered hand.

you cross your arms and pout up at him, causing him to sigh and pull you in for a hug.

“i’m sorry, baby. i’m just teasing. but i meant what i said.” he says, poking your side slightly. “no more negative comments, alright?”

you sigh. “okay. ow!” you push yourself off of him and smack his chest at yet another swat against your bottom.

“and that one was for me. i just can’t get enough of this thing right here.” he says, squeezing into your butt roughly with his hands.

you shake your head, turning to walk out of the room, hyunjin quickly following behind.

“that handprint on your ass is amazing, angel. i should take a picture of it with my camera.”

“will you shut up?” you snap, scoffing as you fight back a smile.

“or better yet, i’ll use it as inspo for my next piece!”

“shut up!”

#stray kids #stray kids smut #hyunjin #hyunjin smut

[waterfallofspace]

A Word-Filled Update

that no one's asking forrrr~

Sooooo, hiya~ ^^

Realized I kinda dropped out without much word, and wanted to give a lil update to anyone who may care, (and specifically to all the unfilled requests that have been sat in my inbox for months now T~T)

Dropping it under a cut because it gets quite long~ but I'll also TL;DR it with: been a bit burnt out, trying to get back into this, I apologize for all the unanswered asks, and I will be trying to get to the ones I can, but I'll be focusing more on trying to enjoy the process of making content~ Thank you to anyone who's stuck around <3

(Tw for brief mention of mental health/neurodivergencies~ nothing in depth or dark, but just incase anyone wants to avoid that <3)

Nothing serious has been going on, mostly just burn out and a bit of drama in main friend group, combined with free time just being a lot more limited recently~ (not a bad thing, most of it is because I'm getting to talk more with friends I've gotten closer to this past year~)

That said, I've been trying to get back into content, making it, reblogging it, etc, without letting it become all-consuming. I find, with the way my brain works, mostly to do to some wonderful neurodivergent tendencies, I tend to fall heavily into 'all of nothing' mentality.

This shows up in my day to day life, (ie: can't wash the dishes for weeks until I suddenly do them all in one day) and I've definitely noticed it with content creation. Need to write and finish a story in one go, record a wav as fast as possible, always afraid I'll lose that motivation.

But honestly? I love making content on here! And I'm not a huge blog, nor do I care if I am (at least trying not to, if I'm being painfully honest~) but I genuinely love making content. Whether it's just for me, a request that I am hoping one specific person will enjoy, or a story I write with a community in mind, I just love creating~

So, I'm trying to ease my way back into this! Bit by bit, let it be fun, and enjoyable, with less internal pressure to produce as much as I can, as fast as I can, and make it be perfect.

I won't lie and say 'numbers don't matter to me', if I'm honest, they do. But I'm learning more and more how to let it be about the content, and to just enjoy the process~ (and if people like it, that'll be a wonderful bonus!~)

Wooo this is getting so long, I apologize sincerely! Last thing, something I've mentioned a few times previously but never really let myself get into... requests~

I'm so honoured that people care about my content enough to have asked for things, and getting any ask, request, praise, ask lists, heck even just a 'hi!' is honestly the best part of this blog for me!

Buuuut, I definitely worked myself into burn-out before with a "every request needs to be filled and fast" mentality, that led to just... not filling any.

So! I'm going back through my inbox, and deleting some older ones that I don't have a clear vision/motivation for. I apologize to anyone who requested them, though by now it's possible they're long gone~ But I think this will help me not only start enjoying the creation process without feeling so overwhelmed, but also start actually getting more content made~

There are definitely a bunch that I still adore, and am thrilled to get to test out, but if there's one you remember sending, and you really want to see it completed, please feel free to send another ask saying what it is you want done, and I'll see if I can get that going <3

And if you've stuck it out to the end here- uh hi! ^^ I'm sorry this is so long, I'm such a words person, but I appreciate you so much, not just for any support you've offered, but just bothering to read this <3 I genuinely didn't expect most to make it this far, so thank you so deeply <3 and I hope to see you guys around as I start reblogging stuff more!~

#waterfalltalks #waterfallrambles #more like waterfallparagraphs im so sorry hahaha #been thinking about making this for awhile- but always felt so anxious??? #idk why specifically... maybe cause i cant be short to save my life #or maybe because it feels like ive left it too long?? been promising so much and never fulfilling #but i am gonna try!! not to fulfill everything but- to start enjoying it again #i worry this comes off like i have an ego... i really dont haha~ i dont expect anyone to really interact with my blog or care #it was always meant to be for ME- and i just hoped to create things ID enjoy and that #if anyone else enjoyed it too that i could start giving back to the community thats given me so much content ive adored #anyways this is a LONNNGGG post and so are these tags hahaha~ #using this blog as a journal again i think! but its mine! so okay! im gonna let myself! #gonna add here too that i might be reblogging with shorter tags for a bit- i promise its not cause im not excited!!! #just trying to make it the least overwhelming situation so i can start really getting back into ENJOYING it~ #thank you to anyone who read this far and a huge thank you to all my friends from here and anyone who stuck around <3 #i appreciate and love you all so dearly <333 #not snz

[pickerelstripe]

Hiya! Recently I've been trying my hand at creating some FanClans. They're based in a setting inspired by the Taal Volcano and lake region in my native Philippines. Super super excited over developing it but also a tiny bit nervous! Could you perhaps give some insight/tips on how you developed ClayClan? I'd be really grateful if you did 🥹 I'm a tiny bit overwhelmed and don't know where to start.

P.S: here are some cool photos of Taal+some extra info below bc I'm a nerd and can't help myself lol

Where's the volcano, you may ask? The answer to that is: it's the lake you see in the photos! Basically Taal erupted so much in prehistoric times that the rock collapsed inward+downward into the empty magma chambers, forming a bowl shape (otherwise known as a caldera). It's also got like, a fuckton of vents and craters that it also erupts out of too sometimes. She's funky and I like her!

tldr volcanoes and cats r pretty neat :3

WOAH that's so cool!!! :0 This is awesome, thanks so much for sharing! I loooove seeing unique fanClans, it's such a versatile prompt. And a caldera is a GREAT setting! What a pretty one, too!

As for advice... I've been making fancontent for Warriors for a decade now, so a lot of it just comes naturally. I'll explain how I made ClayClan then give some tips I find helpful! And thank you for asking, I'm really flattered :]

(Info + tips below the cut to keep this from being a huge text wall!)

ClayClan started as a worldbuilding project to support a story I was tossing around in my head. At the time, this story was unnamed and followed Minkpaw, a new apprentice who joins the Clan and unravels a mystery.

At this point I only knew it was set in a swamp. I like taking reference from National Parks, so I started searching for Parks with swamps, and after some googling I found out Arcadia National Park has a ton of wetlands! So I started compiling a species list. As I worked I gradually switched the model region from Arcadia to a general Maine wetland, as this was more appealing to me.

Once I had that together, I started working on ClayClan's culture. This was largely a matter of tossing ideas at the wall and seeing what stuck! I wanted there to be a new rank between warriors & deputy, so I gave them captains. I like exploring religions unique from canon's StarClan, so I gave them the pantheon. I couldn't decide if I wanted their camp to be in the woods or by the lake, so I gave them two camps. Once I had down my base ideas, I just refined them until they felt complete, and since then I've been adding fun tidbits to my own liking.

As I worked, I realized that Pickerelstripe - a supporting character in the original story, as Minkpaw's mentor - was much more interesting to me than Minkpaw herself. So I decided to switch the story to her perspective, and it began developing into the Heart Rot that I love!

With this switch came a change in tone, as Heart Rot is much darker and more serious than my early plans. So I made some worldbuilding changes to fit! ClayClan's religion solidified, kepbon sculptures came into existence, that sort of thing. I'm still making tweaks here and there to tighten everything up.

Okay! Thanks for sticking with me through all of that, here's some random tips! :D

A good place to start is with location! I'm a total nerd about ecosystems, so I like to make my Clan territories as close to their real-world inspirations as possible. iNaturalist is a great reference for finding species in a specific area! Google is also your friend, and I've even used physical field guides in the past. It's a really fun process and enriches your knowledge of the real world - win-win!

Of course, not everyone's interested in this level of detail, and that's all good! I would, however, recommend having an idea of your Clan's territory and the types of animals/plants they regularly encounter. It can be a good springing-off point for worldbuilding! Take ClayClan's bobcat lore as an example, that came directly from wanting to do something cool with bobcats being in Maine.

Is this worldbuilding for a story? If so, what story are you trying to tell? Try and focus on worldbuilding that will affect the plot and see where it leads from there. For example, if your story focuses on family ties, you can explore how your fanClan views family!

Does your inspiration region have any interesting history? If so, you could try and tie it into your Clan's mythos! For example, the setting you've got makes me really curious about how your Clan views the caldera, and all its vents & craters. Do they believe the caldera has always been there? Do they have some lore about the ancient volcano? How do they rationalize the vents? There's lots to explore!

What do you want to see expanded on in Clan culture? The rank system, naming, religion, social structure, etc? Go ahead and change them to your liking, then see how that impacts the world! This is your Clan, after all, play with it how you'd like.

Focus on what's interesting to you! At the end of the day, this is your project, and you should enjoy working on it. If something doesn't interest you like it used to, you can take a break from it and find a different focus, or toss that part entirely and start over. Do what makes you happy!

I hope this is helpful! Sorry for rambling haha. Thank you so much for sharing your new Clan, I wish you the best of luck with developing it :] If you end up sharing any more on Tumblr feel free to send it to me, I'd love to see what you come up with! Have a great day/night!

#furb chatter #furb advice #tysm! #ask

[cupioriot]

any octavian/octkahale song recs? i've been listening to 'we will commit wolf murder' (of montreal) a lot recently and i feel like it kind of fits octkahale but honestly it might just be my brain projecting them onto it.

oh my gods yes hi hello i have been working on a playlist for octkahale for a bit and ive had an octavian playlist for a while that i have not shared thank you sooo much for this ask. i am SO SORRY it took me this long to answer this i kept forgetting about it

ALSO YES OH MY GODS THAT FITS SO WELL HELLO IM SCREAMING?? anon ily and this song

but yeah this post isnt much analysis sort of just observations and me connecting themes from songs to octavian (and mike)

warning. pretty long post under cut

as for the songs i associate with octkahale;

I will never shut up about them and Vampire Empire by Big Theif. I think about them everytime i listen to it, honestly. So, this, as I see it, if from Mike's perspective, talking about Octavian, more specifically Blood of Olympus era.

"[...] I'm not quiet, you've been quiet just recieving what you said Reeling, feeding, feeling filled by everything you fed I see you as you see yourself in all the books you read Overwhelmed with guilt and realizing the disease."

"You give me chills, I've had it with the drills I am nothing, you are nothing, we are nothing with the pills I am empty till she fills, alive until she kills[..]"

"I wanted to be your woman, I wanted to be your man I wanted to be the one that you could understand"

"Well I walked into your dagger for the last time in a row * It's like trying to start a fire with matches in the snow Where you can't seem to hold me, cant seem to let me go So I can't find surrender, cant keep control"

(*the end of this lyric was removed in the now released version of the song, making the actual lyric "well I walked into your dagger for the last time" however I though the demo version fit better for them here)

alsoooo. P.U.N.K Girl by Heavenly. This to me sounds like Mike trying to defend Octavian in some way. Much more domestic than the other one lmao

"People say she's bad But they don't see The way she is with me"

"P is for the painful way she makes me feel some days U is for utopia, the other times with her N is for the new wave dreams she had back in her teens K is for the kid in her [...]"

"She is honest in kind but in a way that people see As telling lies and being mean She has thousands of dreams but what they are I'll never know I hope I figure in them though"

"I don't care if they don't see Just how great that girl can be But I wish she'd find a way To act well for just one day I don't mind if they can't see Just how much she means to me[...]"

"She is hardened to hurt her softness hidden from the world But almost ready to unfurl She tries so hard to change but something always happens to Persuade her, it's too hard to do"

I put like. almost the whole song their. It just works very well imo :')

Allies or Enemies by The Crane Wives. This to me also reminds me of Blood of Olympus. augh. Mainly just Octavian and Michaels tenseness. This one I'd say is from Octavian's perspective. I have been meaning to do a oneshot about this for so long and I prolly will once I figure out how to do Octavian's narrative voice (i have been working at it too long. anyways)

"The words I speak Are wildfires and weed They spread like some awful damn disease And I swear, I didn't mean what I said I swear, I didn't mean it."

"Now listen close You owe me ears for dropping eaves Forget it all, you caught me in a moment weak Sometimes I just can't help myself[..]"

"Remember when I could tell you not to smile when you were mad? And you would always crack And we'd both be laughing in the end Now you're not so quick to forget"*

(*this verse specifically I think fits in Mike's perspective. only this one specifically tho)

"Are we allies or enemies? This will be the death of me This will be the death of me All is fair in love and war, but I can't fight with you anymore This will be the death of me"

"What happens now? Do we have another go? Do we bow out and take our separate roads? I'll admit I've had my doubts But I want to be let in, not out[..]"

Nothing's New by Rio Romeo. Ohhh my gods yeah. I like angst with them very often sorry guys. Octavian's perspective, rocky times w them. Not much more to elaborate on methinks.

"I want to be touched, be loved I wanna heal, be hugged It's just the two of us Or that's what we swore And if I lost my charm Apologies due, no harm Cause you got ahold of my heart And I know it's worn"

"I want to be close to you But I don't know what to do 'Cause if we are near to through It may make it worse And if I start to grieve 'Cause it feels like you're 'bout to leave Forgive me, I'm not naive I've been here before"

Tongues & Teeth by The Crane Wives. Oh my gods. No thoughts just Octavian warning Mike that he's flawed and despite the fact that Mike is fine with that and wants to help him, he [Octavian] just knows it wont end well.

"I've grown a mouth so sharp and cruel It's all I can give to you, my dear"

"And I know you mean so well But I am not a vessel for your good intent"

"Desperation will erase the fact I'm keeping all Of the answers in my cigarette box Yeah the answer's in the second before the other shoe drops[...]"

Octavian specifically!(a lot of these r like him and his relationships with other charavters);

Brutus - The Buttress. OCTAVIAN TALKING ABOUT JASON AND ABOUT THE GIANT WAR/HIS DEATH HELLO YOU ALL SEE MY VISION YES. I almost cited the entire thng but. just listen to it the ENTIRE THING WORKS!! i have literally no intelligent way to explain said thoughts i just. take these mid observations

"Or am I just wishing I could be like you? That the people would see me too as a poet, And not just the muse. Oh, it's not true, I don't wish harm upon you From birth we've been like brothers from different mothers Within the spirit of the same womb May the Gods strike me down if I forsake you, Frater meus, you're beautifully made And to you I'm forever grateful[...]"

"I know the love you showed me came from a pure and noble heart I love you, and if you want, I'll call you king But why do I lie awake each night thinking 'instead of you, it should be me?' "

^^ugh on the topic of how he feels about jason's status. i think he would feel a weird sort of jealousy, and a lot of that would be distressing because he likes jason. its not jasons fault that he has the acomplishments octavian wants. but he's human and that comes with loathing.

"Something wicked this way comes And as I set to face it, I'm unsure Should I embrace it, should I run? What motivates me? Hatred? Is it love? What's more wrong; that I too wish to be great Or my mother wished she'd had a son? And even if I can't be the one Maybe I could at least help make way for him Until the day that he comes Maybe my name could also be known That I helped return good to the people And restored greatness to Rome."

^^all just about the giant war. oh my gods this boys desire to save his city. ALSO THE 'wished she'd had a son' LINE. cheering and clapping as a trans octavian truther (literally either way. it works either way transfem and transmasc octavian truthers unite)

"So with a heavy heart I'll guide this dagger into the heart of my enemy My whole life, you were a teacher and friend to me Please know my actions are not motivated only by envy I, too, have a destiny This death will be art The people will speak of this day from near and afar This event will be history, and I'll be great too I don't want what you have, I want to be you"

'goodbye, traitor Jason Grace!' ahh lyrics. oh hell he makes me ill.

"I always knew I could be the one Though I feel the endless pain of being And I am scorched by the Sun Of humble origins and born of the cursed sex My name is Brutus, but the people will call me Rex"

mmmm. something something prophet of apollo. something something transgender my brain is radio static.

now. heres a few where i really dont know how to draw any specific connections between him and the lyrics just. sort of themes which i apply to octavian. all of the songs are good listens though imo (especially wannabe which is SO UNDERATED AND SO GOOD)

Wannabe, Pt. 2 - North Bloom

Saint Bernard - Lincoln

Flight of The Crows - Jhariah

CHOKE - IDKHBTFM

A Mask of My Own Face - Lemon Demon

I Am Not a Robot - MARINA

Teen Idle - MARINA

Under My Skin - Jukebox The Ghost

Migraine - Twenty One Pilots

THANKYOU SO MUXH FOR THIS ASK I LOVED MAKING THIS POST

#asks #anonymous #damien shut up challenge #octavian hoo #michael kahale #octavian x michael kahale #octkahale #michael x octavian #riordanverse #jason grace #sort of

[lepierr0t]

Me: I’ll try to be more active on tumblr

Also me: *disappears for 4 months*

Anyway, keeping up in social media has always been a challenge for me so, I1l give myself a break.

Ive been precticind quite a lot with oils recently. It was already something I wanted to do, but I was figuring out how to for a while.

the thing is, painting always scared me, when I was trying digital painting, It was always so overwhelming. I didn't really knew what to do, and I could do anything, there were no rules, no limitations and no easy process, at least not in my head.

But since I started oil painting, everything seems rigth, everything is starting to make sense. why the blocking, and why we aint the way we do, and how color works. Oh GOD! color is finally starting to make some sense to me!

I need paint, I need the need to mix it and pay attention to the saturation, and the pigments and the contrasts, I need to touch it, and to smell it and to feel the texture when it is dry. It is a whole different experience that the digital world can't provide. And a whole understandment that the digital can only replicate very poorly.

Recently I've realized how much of a megalomaniac I am and How my personal projects are always too complex for someone with no experience at anything and that's probably oneof the reasons it's so hard for me to finish anything. so I wanted to start this slowly. I wanted to paint one small object that I liked, so I picked Candles.

I also have bookbinding as a hobbie of mine, so I also bind a book just for studiyng painting. I used my very first painting of a candle I did during the pandemic when I was first trying out oils as a detail for the cover.

after that I started practicing painting just candles. Simple. with some notes to each just so I can orient myself

"paint the glowing around the candle before doing the flame"

"try blocking the whole candle in one color only"

but recently I got a commission from a friend, and I wanted to try and do it on oils. At first I tried doing it by observation alone. But I had many structural problems I should have solved in the drawing phase and the colours would not save it..

So I started over and decided to actually break the portrait apart and... you know... do things correctly...

I separated her face in more simple shapes and tried working out on a composition that would work better. after some editing on ClipStudio, I used Adobe color wheel to produce a pallete, which I used to guide me

This is the result so far... Although this is still the "ugly stage" I'm already pretty happy with it.

I just wanted to share my experience with painting so far. I don't know if other artists can relate, but painting seems less scary now that it is physical. I can touch it and bend it and it is actually pretty fun!

#study #arts and crafts #craft #painting #oil painting #digital painting #artists on tumblr #small artist

[foxymoxynoona]

After finding your account, I feel like I've been completely spoiled because of how well written and fleshed out all your stories are. Your stories have made me feel so many different emotions to such an intensity I would cry from how emotional they would make me. I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to write, create and share these stories because they have been an anchor and an escape for me during difficult moments in my life. Your characters feeling so real with their complicated feelings have helped me somehow give myself space to reflect on my own. I could never express just how grateful I am to have found your stories when I did.

Anyway, it was only recently that I finished reading all of your stories and realized just how spoiled I have been. I have been trying but truly have not been able to find any other stories that touch me in such an emotional way while still being enjoyable and fun to read.

I don't know if other readers have maybe struck gold somewhere else or if you yourself know of any other stories to the same caliber as yours that you could share. I would greatly appreciate new stories to read with your stamp of approval but it isn't necessary. The main purpose of this message was to hopefully have you feel as appreciated as you are. ❤️ Hope you and your family have a wonderful week!

😭You can't imagine who flattering a message like this is to read!! I think there's something so powerful about the media that finds us when we need it most and I'm really honored my stories could be something like that for you!

It's an overwhelming world trying to find just the thing we are in the mood for, I know. If you look through the fic recs tag on here I've noted things I enjoyed or that readers have sent in! I also have a fic rec blog there although I have been working so much lately I haven't gotten to do much reading. I hope you find more things to enjoy, there are so many great writers out there --most of whom can write amazing things in fewer than 1million words the way I take haha

#asks #anonymous

[lovequinn]

annual new years eve post where i ramble about my feelings into the void as if anyone is going to read it

2022 wasn't a perfect year, but it was the year i needed

i keep trying to type this post and end up backspacing it because this one isn't as easy as the last few times i've done one of these. this wasn't the best year of my life, by a long shot. it also wasn't even close to the worst. the most significant? maybe.

the very first thing that happened to me in january was a terrible case of covid (which i had totally avoided until then) that took me an entire month and then some to recover from, and i was pretty sure it would set the tone for how the rest of 2022 went. yet this ended up being the year i moved forward for the first time in a long time. was every step i took the right one? probably not. there are a lot of things i'm not happy with right now. but there are a lot of things i am happy with, and the things i'm not put into perspective what i actually want to do to change them (to an extent lol we are still a little lost out here).

i pushed forward in a career that i enjoy and i'm good at. i admitted that i'm really not in love with new york city the way i always felt i was supposed to be. a lot of the time i actively dislike it here. i did fall in love with los angeles and for the first time in my life stepped into a place and got the overwhelming feeling, for no apparent reason, that it was right (thank you again @laynemorgan for letting me sleep on your futon and eat your food and for helping turn what would have been a terrible weekend into something so much more important to me).

so many posts on here this year were me joking that i had regressed into old fandoms and old embarrassing ships but honestly? it was a big lesson in just reconnecting with things that make me feel joy. i spent a good chunk of years losing what i love in some attempt to be something else and connect with people who were never going to be good for me. finding yellowjackets and feeling that indescribable pull towards a piece of media again, the energy and desire to write and create and be in a community, was like meeting an old friend and realizing "i haven't exactly been the same without you here." jumping (a little manically) back into glee, supercorp, and so many more things that used to be such HUGE parts of my life brought something back that i didn't know i had been missing. and i don't particularly care anymore if that sounds stupid. fuck it.

i gained a lot of self respect this year (new for me!) and really learned what good friendships and good relationships look like, the kind that i deserve to have. i learned a lot about myself, and took steps to not only guard my own peace but make sure i am doing better and doing right by the people around me. i did a lot of things i regret and that i could've thought through better, and i did a lot of things that were overdue and freeing and led to something brighter. i'm working on not giving a shit about what people think about me when they don't even bother to get to know me. to boot, i got comfortable with the nonbinary label and knew i was finally surrounded by the right people when everyone just rolled with it.

i also felt those first butterflies in my stomach for someone new recently that i thought had been dead for a couple of years lmao (reading this back and i definitely meant the butterflies were dead. not the person. i'm not crushing on a corpse. thank you). i don't care if that doesn't go anywhere but like...if you know me well, you know that's big after the last couple of years. so. cool.

and i dyed my hair red this week because i never got to do that as a teenager and i figured why the fuck not. here's to entering the new year with a head the color of wine.

this got really long, these posts aren't usually this much, but i hope my friends (and my mutuals here!!) know i love them and they helped me experience all of this. i would do 2022 again in a heartbeat. the emotional drunk nights out, the video game nights in, the road trips, the concerts, the long days of work, the good, the bad, the annoying.

here's to a cautiously optimistic 2023. ❤️

#personal

[lovedispelsallmyfears]

Wow, haven't been here for so long, but i just checked my drafts, and may mga sinulat pala 'ko rito??? Written around 2019 to 2020. In one of my drafts, i described those years as the hardest season of my life; 2020 - sino ba naman ang hindi? Pero 2019 ko sinulat yun 🙃

I'm here again just because I want to put this video here hehe. But i guess i'm gonna write na rin something to remind myself in the future 😆 as this video is not just nice to look at, but also gives me so much peace and unspeakable joy, specially now that i've read my drafts from 2019 & 2020.

Last year, on our VG's Christmas party, we wrote one word each to describe our 2021, and what we're looking forward to in the year 2022. I can't remember exactly how i described my 2021 - maybe overwhelming, or something synonymous to suffocating loljk. But my word for 2022: BREATHE.

And seeing this shot from my recent trip at Las Casas 🥺🥺 i'm overwhelmed on how God has been so good to me, and how favored I am all this time.

In 2019 and 2020, i have been crying out to God, telling Him how i feel like sinking most of the time. In one of my drafts, i wrote, "My heart is sinking. This season of my life... has been the hardest one for me. I've always chosen to see the beauty and positivity around me, but now, even the simplest thing became so complicated for me. I cry most of the time, out of frustration and exasperation." And reading this now, grabe, i can still remember how i was and how challenging life has been for me. But also reading my drafts now, made me see all the more how God carried me through it all 😭 Yes, kinarga lang talaga ko ni Lord, all the while being patient with me amidst all my complaints.

God has reminded me that this is not my home, and all these are temporary. The lack of problems and challenges in my life is not the reason i was able to "breathe" this year. But I realized now, the moment I surrendered to God all my cares and burdens (yung ginawa talaga, hindi lang sinasabi 🤣), is the reason why I'm able to run freely (refer to video hahaha di man 'yun run tho??). I still have the same big problems, (hayyy God knows 😩), i still worry and get nervous, but... i do not doubt God. At the end of each day, I am assured of His love and promises.

Like a fragile clay jar, i have this great treasure. Everything I have is from Him. I am pressed on every side by troubles, but not crushed; Perplexed, but not driven to despair; Hunted down, but never abandoned by God; Knocked down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:5-10)

Remembering that this life is temporary made me just want to accomplish the good works God has prepared for me to do in His perfect time. I realized that the years I was really having a hard time, were the years I was trying to accomplish things according to my own plans and timeline - I was really frustrated that the things i wanted to happen, didn't happen. I was in doubt, full of questions and disappointments. But thank God my mind was renewed.

Just like my prayer on my last birthday, "In the coming days, there would be no disappointments, because I will put my hope only in You." 🧡

#personal

[betterpathoflyfe]

Hello!

I hope it’s ok to send you this ask but I saw your reblog about as women we need hobbies and things we focus on and not just work/ education etc and as a Christian woman, I often felt like I absolutely needed time to spend on hobbies and doing things that I could ‘give to God’ too since I came to Christ and it’s been a learning process and I know my identity is in christ but lately I’ve been feeling this overwhelming pressure on myself like I’m not good enough if I’m not constantly over working or what society deems as sufficient idk but I’ve also recently decided to take a break from studying until next semester and I just feel like idk how to not constantly feel like I’m doing the wrong thing or even man’s work like society tells me all the time it’s so stressful :/

Hey, no problem! It can certainly be difficult finding this balance, especially when our end-goal is to honor God. But a couple of things to remember:

1) This feeling and pressure of “not being good enough” is NOT from God, but STRAIGHT from the enemy!! This common lie/attack of the enemy is to try and convince you that you have to work for God’s love, or try to earn it. But again, it’s a lie because it is by grace you have been saved! (Ephesians 2:8) A literal gift from God! Jesus doesn’t want you constantly overworking or stressed — He just wants your heart.

2) Looking to society is honestly only going to make you feel like you’re in lack because the standards of society are constantly changing. This is why I encourage you to continue reading and studying His Word! His Truth is what we can depend on and look to as we continue to become true women of God. (Remember Romans 12:2 — “Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will.”🤍)

3) Even Jesus took time to Himself to rest!! He knew the importance of taking time away to rest and refuel (through prayer — Matthew 6:46), and if He needed to so, you can bet that we need to as well!

4) Since you mentioned that you are taking a break from college until next semester, I’ll advise with this! This is really the time to hone in and determine what really interests you and what kind of career you’d like down the line. But take your time! Do research, take a few career quizzes, etc. and see what sort of future you’d like for yourself. Habukkuk 2 states how we should write down the vision, so write it down as you do that research! And then pray on it, and see where God leads you!

This is also where hobbies & habits come in! Sometimes, I do a Google search just to figure out new hobbies lol. But there’s so many different ones out there that you can try, and still honor God as well! It could be something like painting, but playing Gospel music in the background. Or reading more books, but they the topics are about bettering yourself in Christ! Either way, it’s a process, and doesn’t happen overnight!

Give yourself grace, love! And as you read your Word, I pray that You realize just how much Jesus loves you! You’re right — your identity is rooted in Christ and He is with you!🤍

Hope this helped!!🫶🏿🤍

#responses #blogposts

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I just saw a post that someone wrote about how they were very good at the in-class parts of their university degree, but executive function issues interfered with their ability to work at home, so their grades were not as good as those of other people who weren’t nearly as socially engaged in the class. I started to reblog it with my own experiences, and then realized I had a long enough self-indulgent rant on the subject so I don’t want to take over someone else’s post with it, and I’m just making my own.

It’s interesting to me to read that some people found being at school easy and working at home hard, because I was the opposite, and it shows how much different circumstances can make things work for one person but catastrophically not work for another. When I did my university degree... all seven years that it took me to get a four-year degree for a huge number of reasons that are all connected to mental health problems, I could normally do the work, but I couldn’t go to class. I got so overwhelmed by the campus and all the other people there. It’s only recently that it stopped triggering severe anxiety in me to just see a university lecture hall even in a TV show or something, as I came to associate the setting with so much difficulty. Sometimes people ask me what were the names of my peers or professors in university, and I say I don’t know. When I had to go to campus I sat in the lecture hall and kept my head down and took notes and tried not to have panic attacks until I was allowed to leave. But I could function at home, in my bedroom, with no one looking at me.

The biggest thing that messed me up was the way as years went on, there was more of a focus on in-class stuff. The first semester of my second year happened to occur at one of the lowest points in my life, when I was so depressed I could barely leave my bedroom even to eat, but I could take my textbooks into bed with me and read them. After the first two weeks of school, I didn’t set foot on campus except when I absolutely had to be there to write a midterm. But I still finished my five courses with two As and two A+s because I was very pragmatic about reading all the textbooks and writing everything I learned from them into my assignments.

I thought I’d be able to get by on that, but the next semester had so many courses that gave marks for class participation and group work and things like that, and there was more and more of that every semester, it went downhill really fast. I learned to check the syllabus on the first day of every semester and if there was a required group project in any class, I’d just drop it and pick up another one. But one time a course that was required for my degree had a group project, and I just didn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to go to campus and... I don’t even know what the procedure is for finding group work partners in university, because I never did it. I know some of my worst memories of elementary and middle school were being a kid with no friends looking around the room when we had to find partners for a project, trying to find someone but 90% of the time ending up in the horribly awkward situation of being the only one left while the teacher asked if any other kids were willing to let me into their group. I was not about to re-live that as an adult, so I just didn’t. I never physically went to that class, never joined a group, gave up that 30% of my grade. I managed to just barely pass that class by turning in everything else.

I spent a few years barely scraping by, until I got to my last year, when almost every course gave out significant marks based on participation or presentations and things like that, combined with another especially bad mental health time that meant I didn’t have it in me to try to make up for giving up all those marks by doing everything else really well. I failed almost every course, got kicked out of my program because you have to pass most courses to stay in it, and had to go through the really shitty process of gathering proof of my mental health diagnoses so I could get back in on medical accommodation. Fortunately my appeal was granted and they gave me another chance to get my last few courses, I signed up for some online ones and managed to barely scrape by with passing grades, since by then I’d struggled so much with school that even looking at my textbooks gave me awful anxiety. I could barely look at my textbooks, I couldn’t see lecture halls on TV, I felt sick when I heard the word “campus” or “professor” or saw my school’s logo or anything to do with academia. I got my degree, got out of there, said thank God I never have to do or think about school ever again.

A few years ago, and about five years after I’d finished university, I started an online-only college program (just before COVID, so even if I’d signed up for the version with in-person classes I’d probably have been moved to online anyway). After being a university student who started out with As and A+s and end up failing out and then just barely getting over the passing threshold, I became a college student who got almost all A+s in all courses of all three schoolwork semesters. Because, guess what? It turns out that I’m not actually unintelligent, and I’m not even actually bad at school. If you let me do it in my own space, I’m quite good at it. I’m just bad at human interaction, especially in an academic setting.

It’s genuinely interesting to me that others had the opposite experience, could do it in person but not the rest of it. And it does show how much when we talk about accommodation, it means lots of different things. It’s very helpful for me that they have online-only college programs that let me show what I actually know, instead of measuring how good I am at handling social settings. And it’s good for other people to be able to share how much they actually know by participating in discussions or whatever else works for them, if they can’t handle a long time spent starting at a screen writing things down. If what matters is that people know the material, there are lots of ways to test that. And it would be good if everyone had the option of testing it in a way that does not leave them unable to watch campus-based sitcoms because anything related to academia makes them want to cry (for the record I’m largely over that trigger now, I watched the show Fresh Meat last year and quite enjoyed it, but I genuinely would not have been able to watch that show a couple of years earlier).

[royaljewellake]

My Manifestation Journey

So I have been on my manifestation journey for a long time. Long before I even knew that I was manifesting things into my life. I have seen and tried all the methods that I have found in my search. Sometimes it felt like I was either doing too much or too little. To affirm everyday or only to affirm when you think about the topic. To use candles, to journal, to assume, or to use your imagination. And there is nothing wrong with the methods mentioned. Some work for certain people. But at some point I realized that having all the methods at once can be confusing. After listening so many people’s advice on how to manifest it confused me and my spirit. I felt all over the place wondering why it was not working . At times whatever method I choose it felt like it was working because I received something close to what I was manifesting. However, at some point I had realized it was maybe that thing that  manifested was close to what I wanted. It was neither exact or better than what I was manifesting (because when I manifest I have the thought of what I want or better coming to my life in a good way). There were time when I would see people would talk about a state they would enter to know that their manifestation was coming. I tried to avoid that topic because I know for myself that I would try to force myself into that state. Giving my self anxiety because I’m pushing myself into a place where I was not ready to be in. I also found myself to limit what I manifest into certain time frames. For example, I would tell myself that I’ll manifestation buying something when I can manifest $80. I know that for some, you have to start small to get to the bigger things. But for my self it was a limit. I had it realize that what I wanted was mine and the only people that stopped me from having what I wanted was myself. So I took some steps that worked for me. Here they are:

1) pick one method - the internet is filled with people giving different ways to manifest. pick a way that feels right to you. something that feels stress free and easy to use. Test it out. Just because someone says that it is easy to use does not always mean that it will be easy for you and your life style. Don’t force it.

2) make a list - when we manifest we often have limiting beliefs both conscious or unconscious. Explore who you are as a person. write down what you want, the old beliefs that you had, and the new beliefs you have .

3) Take your time - I think that we often try to rush ourselves when it come to manifesting. Yes, we do have the ability to manifest something in the snap of our fingers. But when you first start out watching the 3D world for movement can still play a part in how you manifest. Persist in your desires. We all have a starting point. Not everyone is ready to start manifesting in 48 hours and that ok. 

4) start with the small things - I know above I said that now I manifest what I want or better. But there are times when I have to recenter myself in the way that I manifest. Its also a good way to start things out with little pressure to move onto something bigger and better. For example, when I first started consciously manifesting in a way that benefited me there was a car that I wanted. Not going to lie at first I was not confident consciously or in my subconsciously. so I started out small. first I started by manifesting seeing the car brand on the street. Then I went to manifesting seeing the car that I want. so forth till I got what I wanted. and now my mind is in agreement that I can manifest big things with little effort

overall my message is to find what works for you and make sure you take time and not get overwhelmed by all the messages people send out about manifestation. You got this!!!!

#manifesting #manifesation #self learning #journey #neville goddard

[fceriestcrdst]

over the last few days i have noticed something---something i've never been able to do for at least, i don't know, ten years.

i have multiple special interests that all weave together---they even weave with spins I've most of my life. I've been sort of opening my brain like a jar & going "huh, how did we do that?" & i realized why. i have people who give a damn about my interests, people who send me posts even if i don't rb them, people who will let me gush & not make me feel bad bc i infodump a lot. i have qpr partners who love pressing my garble buttons so i just go on tangents as they stare loving at their screens until I've calmed down enough for them to speak.

i still struggle with some irls who have strong opinions about characters i like or characters im like somewhat selfshipped with. it could be called having a comfortable talking phase. its happening---primarily--with ben s*lo. one day i'll bring it up & try to fix it but for now i'm just accepting that i can talk about star wars without someone wanting to tell me why it's bad because i do not fucking care. i give zero fucks about how much you dislike the thing i love, truthfully i would rather you shut up the fuck instead of going "well i--" did i ask?

i'm also getting used to the fact that i have irls that want to genuinely listen to my infodump & spin & go brrr.

i've also been doing better because i've set boundaries, i broke lots of mutuals, i ended three friendships that i needed out of. could i have ended them better, maybe, but was i mean during the ending of any of them? no to really.

it's odd how i both care & don't care about how people perceive me. if you think i'm a bitch, cool! if you think i'm super nice, cool! i prefer to be seen as friendly, but i don't really care all that much if you think i'm a dick because ei set a boundary or just wasn't interested in what you were trying to see me.

i don't owe anyone anything, yanno? no one owes anyone a singular thing.

despite my brain imploding over & over bc of processing trauma--i've been pretty okay. i'm happy in my new spins, selfships, friendships, and qpr, i just feel like me. i do still psycho analyze but then i remember i am autistic, i have a fatigue disorder, i get overwhelmed easily---if i just don't want to talk at the time. i'm not obligated to & if i do i am not obligated to seem super thrilled about it, yanno? not to say i always seem that way i am just....getting better at only chatting when i feel up to it

this may all be a part of my journey to unmask & be myself even if that means I'm grumpy & overstimulated & sleepy & needy. i'm allowed to be those things, i'm allowed to have multiple spins, i'm allowed to have multiple selfships, i'm allowed to talk too much & not enough, i'm allowed to be me

2022 is still very weird for me but a good kind of weird. also if this makes no fucking sense i haven't slept & am sitting ay my pc going 'oh no--' as the hamster in my brain takes a snooze. mayhaps i will see this later & go "i had a solid plan...then i derailed--" or i'll just go "ah, i was havin' a moment-" who knows tho.

if you see me still awake just know i have plans today & didn't get actively tired until just recently. now i'm built to suffer (i'm 24..i'm too old & autistic for this--)

#crow rambles #crow's audhd/disability posting

[30306-home]

should’ve posted above song first, explanation at the end of this one:/

12:01am march 4 2024

i feel like i’m going to explode. or i need to and am totally paralyzed. this has literally officially consumed me. like it pressing with all it’s weight on every second- literally. i’m so stuck right, and it’s like i’m realizing okay, you’re not finding the door and could have wondered past it without knowing 4 months ago, 4 minutes? i’m tired, i can’t explain anything, overwhelmed is easy next to this, my hands and knees are bleeding, i’m can’t stand this, i’m physically depleted, i’m not present. i’m acting because i can tell, i’m too on edge, everything is so twisted, i don’t recognize or trust it, i saw my reflection i realized today and it felt life it was so surreal… i just completely forgot or or have been so in my head that i haven’t registered seeing my reflection… how that’s the measure of how detached i am from the coherent world happening around me. i haven’t thought to look in a mirror because, the only sense i can make is that it’s one of a million other mundane mindless things, just markers of what degree of trust i’ve actually let go of? like how i’m laying here now and bursting at the seams with all the willpower in the world, but you need trust in order to move with willpower, something? it’s like, i don’t know if i’m getting that right or wrong just like everything else, but there’s something grounded just enough to say, okay, what feels unreal is real. this is real, but you’re just screwed now.

stress of not understanding something you’ve experienced knowing so well really messes you up. you can’t distinguish anything from anything anymore? everything is possible not what it seems, and when that starts getting into you whole world, just… what?? the toll on my health is beyond an alarming reason to snap to, get to wherever i’m nearly killing myself to. and is far behind my priorities, feels like just a real annoyance. even though i have some concept of it literally not being sustainable… i can be in denial, which i’ll be the first to admit i absolutely am, it’s moving at a pace that i’m just not at. cortisol/adrenal glands, off the rails- nothing to do with my regular stuff to manage. and one EXTREMELY stupid symptom to recently emerge (again, inconsistent with other stuff, stress induced, no doubt) is these mini narcoleptic episodes happening all-the-freaking-time (for the most part, not while i’m writing right now, but totally unpredictable and uncontrollable… example, yesterday it seriously took me and hour/two(?) to write my dad a TWO line text! because i was going in to an unconscious sleep state, repeatedly, waking immediately, repeatedly, faster than i could type a full word. and those two lines are nothing legible… its not like i eventually really finished the text, i was sending bit by bit, and thankfully he knew what was going on so wasn’t alarmed. if it were someone else, i wouldn’t have kept torturing myself with trying- but when i do it’s because it’s THAT INFURIATING, and i ALWAYS think i can get myself out if i really try, no. must give in and wait. on. it. wait it out. i have a dentist appt tomorrow and can basically count on it happening there… sorry dr stewart, but i’m not going to be able to control my muscles to stay still for you, my bad if your scalpel or whatever goes through my cheek? (since your probably wondering, yes, i am driving, but can feel enough warning to get in a parking lot, open my sunroof, and, wait). sunroof’s are my saving grace, really, much safer than cracked windows that weirdos can mess with for turning off car but getting air.

check out how i just spent that hour and a half. so perfect. (i’m sorry, i’m at a fuck it, i’m frustrated beyond, giving into complaining (not good) and i seriously apologize, maybe i think a explanations will help? help what, don’t know?).

i’ve been up till 7 or 8 each morning circling in the minimum novel’s worth i’ve already written- that what it’s also so stupid, but cause it’s not like that’s even the problem… it’s too much for me to read just to find where to cut and paste💦

i also tend to weasel out of it even if i do with the idea of mention others with out them knowing. i know and i think you do that there’s nothing sneaky it gossipy about it… that some of the content, but i’m pretty sure i’m wayyyyyyy overthinking. naturally.

bless, all of it🙇🏻‍♀️🧸🌈

OMG ANNA YOU HAVE TO SPEAK!!!! AT LEAST MOVE PAST EVERYTHING STRAIGHT TO END BECAUSE THATS THE ONLY PART THAT REALLY MATTERS BECAUSE IT’S THE RACE WITH TIME PART, AND THAT THE ONLY….. thing of it all.

i wonder if i could manage trying that strategy?

correction: the past 2 hours.

how are you?

i was listening to an old go to in emergency record and heard a song i’ve heard a million times in a different context than what it’s literally about- i love when that happens. anyway it was a way that reminded me of you and brendan.

[tallmantall]

James Donaldson on Mental Health - Depression - Signs and Symptoms

How do you know when you're just having a hard time and are stressed out, or if it's something more serious? When is it clinical depression? While a doctor is the only one who can make a qualified diagnosis, there are some signs and symptoms of depression that can signal your need to see a doctor. Here are some of those signs and symptoms. Morning Blues According to medical sources, feeling particularly depressed in the morning is a sign that you may have depression. Feeling sad all day is also part of depression, but the morning blues - perhaps making you just want to stay in or go back to bed - are particularly likely to be connected with depression. Anger Many people don't realize that recent research points to a connection between anger and depression. Blowing up and yelling at people without being able to control it may signify depression. Irritability Slightly different from anger, irritability is more about feeling snappish or easily frustrated and/or annoyed than angry blow-ups. Irritability connected to depression may make you feel really on edge all the time. Overwhelm Do you find yourself wanting to give up because things seem like they're just too much? Do you say, "I just can't take anymore," often? Depression can make you feel overwhelmed and over-stressed even when your schedule is not terribly demanding. Even a simple request for you to do something may send you over the edge and make you feel super-stressed. #James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy Link for 40 Habits Signupbit.ly/40HabitsofMentalHealth www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com Feeling Inadequate People with depression may constantly compare themselves to others. As noted above, a not-too-demanding schedule may seem overwhelming to a depressed person, thus making the depressed person feel inadequate that he/she can't handle a schedule that others seem to handle fine. This sets up a cycle of feeling inadequate. Insomnia or Excessive Sleepiness Ironically, depression can cause some people to lose sleep, while it makes others want to sleep all the time (hypersomnia). Lack of Interest Are you just not interested in any outside activities? Are things you once looked forward to just burdensome things you have to trudge through and get done? This may mean you have depression. Changes in Weight In another irony of depression, both weight loss and weight gain may be symptoms of depression. Generally, if you gain or lose 5% or more of your body weight in a month, it may mean depression. Indecision Depression can make you feel like you can't make a decision, even simple ones. Your schedule just seems like gibberish when you look at it; you may not show up for things you have on your calendar or get dates wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, of course, but if this is a chronic problem or you just can't seem to get a handle on your schedule even when you sit down and try to figure out what to do and what to skip, it may mean depression. Inability to Concentrate Depressed people often have trouble concentrating and focusing. Your mind may wander, even to thoughts of death or suicide, and you may feel like you just can't get it together. Read the full article

[mcleemlis]

creativity & organization

I'm finally getting around to giving myself space to write an update. I completed the 90 day probation period in my new job last week (so woohoo to it being more difficult to fire me, not that it was likely to happen anyways, lol)! I have been pretty overwhelmed these last couple of months. Between starting this new job (that has so much more work than my old job did, which is a mixed blessing), moving across town, partaking in a dear friends' wedding (it was the first wedding I ever went to and I was a bridesmaid :D ), and assisting my roommates with their recent transportation issues, I've been SO DAMN TIRED. The surprising thing is that I didn't realize how stressed I was until a couple weeks ago when I had a mini breakdown at work and pretty much realized the sheer amount of things on my plate. Since then I've had some conversations with my team lead and unit director about work stuff, and some of my personal responsibilities have wrapped up or my stress has been mentioned to contributing parties and is beginning to be addressed.

Something that has been a real challenge for me during the past few months, but is really helpful once I get a system set up, is organization. With the new move and the new job, I have been experiencing a lot of disorganization as I adjust to my new spaces, responsibilities, and roles. In the move, we ended up downsizing in a couple of ways. We lost a roommate who recently moved in with her new husband. In losing that roommate I also lost what felt like one of my main support pillars in the house. Lets just say she and I made up the responsible half of the household, so I've lost some of that... guaranteed/instinctual support (maybe that's the way to say it, basically I didn't have to tell her to clean, or do things around the house, or check that she paid bills, etc.). We also went from renting a 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom apartment. I personally went from having a bedroom (that I share with my bf) and an office/studio, to just having the shared bedroom and trying to fit my office and art supplies in the living room.

With work, you might say I've upsized. I went from being in a position that was poorly defined and where I had so little to do and so few expectations that I was consistently looking for work to do and things to improve the sad state of the library. Now I work in a position that already had a clearly defined role with a variety of tasks and responsibilities assigned to it, as well as projects in development and underway. So now I have a pretty full plate at work that I'm still analyzing and understanding as I try to figure out what my regular work flow might look like and how I should be prioritizing various responsibilities. I've been juggling more tasks and responsibilities lately, and organization has been key in knowing what all I need to work on. I'd been wanting to have a bullet journal for a while and even bought notebooks and outlined what all I thought I wanted to record in it and looked at different spreads and layouts, but it pretty much stopped there. Between my indecisiveness on layouts and fear of messing up, my physical bullet journal went nowhere. But the idea of a digital bullet journal had sprouted from all of my layout design searches.

So after looking at some templates others had made, I went to Canva and made one of my own. You can check it out at the link at the bottom of this post. I made it over the course of maybe 6 hours over 3 days? It was something I was able to put little bits of time into here and there as I kept it open in one of my browser tabs. The ability to make major and minor adjustments was key to my being able to "complete" the template in that amount of time. I say "complete" because I developed this template as a draft, knowing I would make new templates and adjustments as I figured out what I wanted, what works best for me, and what theme I wanted to go with. So the template I made is only setup for about 3 and half months (from late February to the end of June) and has a fairly basic layout. There are daily and weekly spreads, with monthly calendars and pages for monthly goals, a couple pages for notes, and that's pretty much it. I wanted to make something pretty basic and flexible on the daily pages, to see what I ended up using it for or not using it for, so I could consider adjustments going forward. The short time commitment for this template has also allowed me to learn more about how to use my template in OneNote and ways I might make my next template different to take into account some of OneNote's quirks and features.

All in all, the planner has been helpful in organizing tasks I want to accomplish at work and outside of work, as well as providing reminders and space for some of my hobbies. Now I'm trying to work towards finding better balance between work, supporting others, and doing things for myself. Case in point: my zines. I (laughably) thought I would be done with my manifesto zine awhile ago, but I haven't devoted as much time to it as I thought I would be able to, nor did I accurately predict how long it would take me to do some of the research and to mess with the layout of the zine itself. At this moment I still have 1-2 pages to research and fit into the layout, plus the bibliography. I also have the problem(?) of thinking up lots of ideas for zines but not having (or making??) the time to work on these ideas, despite very much wanting to. Hopefully over the coming months I'll be able to find some balance. With Fall semester being a busy season for my unit, I think I'll be keeping my expectations low for my hobbies then, but I'm hoping this summer I'll be able to indulge in them more!

You can check out my planner here: My first planner

#daily planner #planner #bullet journal #digital planner #digital bujo #canva #diy planner #organization #life #librarians #women artists