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pftones3482 · 5 years

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I Think I Love You

Commission for @kriss-the-writing-nerd

Have all my commissions this week ended in wedding scenes? Yes. Do I care? No. Am I a sap at heart? Debatable. Under a cut for length. Enjoy!

“I got you a present.”

Keith blinked rapidly, moving his tired eyes away from the paperwork he was going over and looking up at Lance. He was shifting from foot to foot in Keith’s doorway, holding a box in his hands so delicately that, were it not Lance, Keith might have thought it was a bomb.

He was wearing pajamas, sweatpants and a loose t-shirt. The marks on his cheeks were glowing very faintly. In the light it might not have been noticeable, but it was late, so they were sparkling. It was a precious sight, one that made Keith’s heart flutter, but he forced his attention back to Lance and set down his reports from his mother.

“Why?”

Lance frowned, his hands dropping a little. “Well it…you and Hunk were off-world for your birthdays. I already gave Hunk his present, so I…I mean, it’s not really anything amazing, I made it, I just thought-”

“You didn’t have to do anything for that,” Keith said, soft. His lips parted and he glanced down at the box. His cheeks warmed a little. Obviously it wasn’t something special; he’d gotten Hunk a gift too, it wasn’t a Keith exclusive thing, but it didn’t stop the affection from rising in Keith’s chest nonetheless.

Lance stepped inside fully now, walking over to Keith’s bed and sitting gingerly on the edge like he was afraid Keith might kick him out. “Yes I did,” he snorted, pressing the box into Keith’s hands unceremoniously. “Like I said, it’s…nit’s nothing special. But I thought you might like it.”

Curious now, Keith untied the (red) ribbon from the package and set it on top of the reports. The flaps opened easily enough, and inside, nestled in (black) tissue paper, was a mason jar full of bright red jam. A piece of twine was wrapped around it, and dangling from the twine was a tiny wooden knife that was shaped suspiciously like Keith’s blade.

He pulled the jar out carefully, eyeing the label – strawberry rhubarb – and then fingering the knife, about the size of a butter knife. “You…made this?”

Lance’s cheeks were pink, his marks a little brighter. “Um…yeah? We make a lot of stuff o-on the farm, and I’m pretty good at jam, so I-”

“No, no,” Keith breathed. He looked up, eyes wide. “I mean, yes, that’s amazing, I haven’t had strawberries in forever and I’m sure the jam is…is amazing. I meant the knife.”

Lance’s tongue peeked out quickly as he licked his lips, so fast Keith barely caught it. It made his heart hammer. “Um…yeah. I uh…it’s something I picked up in my spare time. After everything. Woodworking is…relaxing. You can use it too, it’s meant to spread the jam.”

“It looks like mine.”

Lance’s smile was crooked, the glint in his eyes mischievous. “I know. Krolia helped me perfect it.”

Keith’s eyebrows shot up. “She was in on it? Dammit, Mom.”

Lance laughed and stood, twisting the hem of his shirt in his hands and nodding at the door. “I should uh…I should let you get back to your reports,” he said, eyes flickering to the paperwork on the bed. “Night, Keith.”

Keith realized with a start that Lance was already stepping out the door. “Lance!” he piped, a little too loud. If he hadn’t had any remaining dignity, he might have slapped his hand over his mouth. Lance turned back, eyebrows lifted, and Keith sheepishly held up the jar. “Thank you.”

He poured as much sincerity as he could into the words and Lance’s shoulders drooped a little – whether in relief or disappointment, Keith wasn’t sure. “Of course.”

Lance shut the door softly as he walked out, leaving Keith with a jar of jam and a pounding heart.

“Surprise!”

Keith was lucky Lance wasn’t holding a knife. As it was, he whipped around, pinning the taller man to the wall in one swift move, arm pressed firmly against his throat and his other hand shoved against his cheek.

Dead silence, and then, slowly, Matt turned the living room light on. Keith held up his hands in slow surrender and Lance immediately dropped his stance, face shifting from pissed to surprised to sheepish. “Sorry,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck.

Keith settled his hand on his throat, trying not to wince at the ache Lance had left. “Yeah, well…our fault.”

Lance finally turned around, his eyes widening and hands flying up to cover his mouth as he finally spotted the rest of the group, holding presents and cake. A “Congratulations!” banner dangled precariously from where Matt and Shiro had hung it over the dining room entrance. “What the quiznak?” he whispered.

Curtis’ smile was boyish, eyes twinkling as he slapped a manila envelope into Lance’s hands. “Lance Sanchez, you have been officially accepted to the Garrison as the new flight instructor for middle and high school students.”

Lance closed his hands around the folder in a daze, staring down at the envelope, at his name, and then back up at Shiro and Curtis. “I…I put in the application last week. Please don’t tell me you guys fast tracked it, I-”

Shiro set his hand firmly on Lance’s shoulder. “Of course not, Lance. But you’re an incredible pilot, you’ve flown in battle more than anyone outside of this room, and you’re great with kids. It was a no brainer. Iverson agreed.”

Curtis’ lips twitched. “He seemed peeved that he agreed.”

The group burst into laughter but Lance just stared down at the envelope, his lips parted in soft wonder. “Wow. Wow, I…wait, how long have you guys been planning this?” he demanded.

Pidge shrugged, finally setting down the cake Hunk had made her hold. “Just this afternoon. Shiro texted the rest of us after lunch, and Keith had pretty much all of this ready by the time we got here.”

Lance turned slowly to Keith, who was smiling sheepishly. “Weren’t you off world this week?”

Keith waved his hand in a so-so motion. “For a while. I was just on Mars, though, so I wasn’t far. Plus you leave your spare key in the same place all the time. It’s not hard to get in.”

“Yeah you really need a security upgrade,” Krolia agreed.

Lance looked back down at the envelope and Keith studied him, watched the way his fingers shook, how his throat bobbed. His teeth bit into his lip, smile starting to form, and then his whole body shuddered with a laugh. “Wow,” he croaked. “Um…um, when do I start?”

Shiro tilted his head in acknowledgement. “This fall, with the incoming class. It’ll give me and Iverson time to go over teaching regimens and planning with you before your first students. But hey, you’re basically famous. They’ll listen to you,” the man said, winking.

“Now come on, you guys,” Coran whined. “I’ve been smelling this quiznaking cake of Hunk’s all day, I would LIKE to eat it!”

Hunk whooped, scooped up the cake Pidge had abandoned, and led the group to the kitchen. Lance caught Keith’s sleeve as he passed, pulling him back. “You did all this…for me?” Lance whispered, searching Keith’s face carefully.

Keith forced himself not to react beyond a soft smile. Lance’s fingers burned through the fabric of his shirt. “Of course. You deserved it, you idiot. You put in so much work, and I – we all know how much you wanted this.”

Lance’s eyes flickered to where Shiro was handing Hunk a knife. “I feel like…I feel like I didn’t earn it,” he said, even softer.

Keith turned to block his vision of the others. Emotions be damned, he reached out and grabbed Lance’s hand by the fingers. He squeezed. “If anyone deserves it, it’s you,” he murmured, waiting until Lance looked at him again before speaking. “You helped save the planet, you lost people really close to you, you-”

“That happened to you guys, too,” Lance protested. He slid his hand away from Keith’s and pulled it to his chest, curling his free one over it. “I wasn’t the only one.”

Keith tilted his head. “Yeah,” he admitted. “It did happen to us. But we all have what we want.”

He laughed, glancing back at the dining room, where Pidge was now arguing with Hunk about whatever piece of cake she was getting. “Pidge got her family back and is working intergalactically with some of the smartest beings we’ve ever met. Hunk is a galaxies wide famous chef and diplomat. Shiro and Curtis are married and travelling the world helping at risk LGBT kids and also teaching in their spare time. Coran got his home planet back and is happy with Iverson – as totally weird as I find that. You absolutely deserve this.”

“What about you?”

Keith started, looking back at Lance in surprise. He was staring at him curiously, shaggy hair hanging in his eyes. “What?”

He shrugged. “What about you? You named everyone else. What about you? Did you get what you wanted?”

His eyes swam with the depths of the oceans, glinted with the reaches of the stars. His skin was warm, this close, and being this near him, being here, ached. Ached beyond words. Keith felt his mouth go dry and his heart race. He looked back to the dining room. Shiro and Krolia were speaking now, soft, watching him worriedly. He gave them a tentative smile before turning back. “I uh…yeah. Yeah. I got my mom. I have Shiro. I…”

He trailed off, fumbling for the words. Refused to let the wrong ones slip from his lips. He couldn’t. He couldn’t lose him. “I have you guys,” he finally settled on, offering what he hoped was a reassuring smile. “I got…a family I never had. Friends I never had. I work with an amazing group of aliens. I…yeah.”

His stomach rolled as Lance’s head tilted in a miniscule way. “Friends, hmm?” he said.

And he was smiling, but there was something there, something Keith couldn’t place even while he nodded. “Yeah. You guys are pretty okay, most of the time,” he tried to tease.

Lance’s lips whitened as he pressed them together, nodding. “Okay,” he hummed. “Thanks, Keith.”

He brushed past him, and Keith was left feeling like he’d messed everything up.

“You okay?”

Keith looked up as Pidge sat down next to him, her hands fidgeting with a piece of tech that Keith was sure he couldn’t even begin to understand. He hummed and looked back out over the Altean juniberry fields, watching as Hunk and Lance chased Lance’s niece and nephew through the flowers. It was their first visit to Altea, Christmas 4 years after the war, and they had asked Keith to join them on their trip.

He’d declined, preferring to watch from a distance. Being around Lance…hurt, sometimes. Especially on Altea. Especially on the holidays.

“You got it bad, huh?”

Keith choked on air, looking sideways at Pidge through the fringe of hair in his eyes. Her smile was sympathetic but her eyes glimmered with mirth. “What?” he managed.

Pidge shrugged, setting her tech aside and crossing her legs under her. Her green sweater looked ridiculously comfortable. “Come on, I’m ace, not blind,” she said with a roll of her eyes. A pause, and then she tapped her glasses frames. “Though I guess you could argue that point. You’re crushing so hard on Lance it’s kind of disgusting.”

Keith’s gut rolled and he looked down, fingers tightening on each other. He hadn’t told anyone but Shiro about his crush, though he knew that Krolia had seen some of the flashbacks of him crushing on the space whale. She’d never brought it up, and Shiro had stopped asking unless Keith spoke first. It was somewhat uncomfortable, hearing it from someone else. Like he was creepy and just…just wrong.

“Hey.”

He swallowed and let his gaze flicker back to Pidge, who was watching him with open concern. She scooted closer, bumping their knees and leaning on him. He sighed and edged his arm around her shoulders, pulling her against his body and pressing a soft kiss to her head. “Yeah,” he whispered.

“Yeah?”

Keith’s heart lurched in his chest as he watched Lance tackle Nadia and hold her down, tickling her sides until she shrieked. His smile was wide. “Yeah.”

His breathing stuttered and Pidge lifted her hand, twining their fingers together. “So talk. To him.”

Keith shook his head once, his cheek scratching against Pidge’s scruffy hair. “I don’t…I don’t want to ruin what we have. I’d rather…”

He sighed and dropped his forehead against Pidge’s hair. She hummed, the sound vibrating her whole body, and tightened her grip on his hand. “You’d rather keep what you have and hurt yourself than lose him all together. Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Pidge nodded and then twisted, climbing into his lap. She was much bigger now than she had been during Voltron times, but she still fit comfortably against Keith’s chest, lanky arms curling around his torso and nose tucked against his neck. “Talk to him,” she said again, softer. “I promise you it’ll be okay.”

Keith hugged her back, feeling like his entire heart was going to be ripped from his chest. “You can’t possibly know that,” he said, still tracking Lance and Hunk’s escapades through the flower fields.

“I can. I’m a genius, remember?”

At Keith’s scoff, she pulled back from their hug, looking up at Keith with a smile. “Hey. Man, I’m like, the least sappy person I know aside from maybe you. But you’ve been so gooey the last couple months it’s driving me nuts. He totally likes you, you’re blind not to see it.”

She tapped her glasses again. “And I’m blind. I’d know.”

Keith snorted and shifted his legs until Pidge’s back was against his chest, his arms settled loosely over her hips and his chin on her head. She fiddled with the cuffs of his red Christmas sweater Hunk had gotten him. “I won’t push you,” she said, her voice lost to the wind. “But think about it, okay?”

“You didn’t hang mistletoe up in the house, did you?” he asked, a warning tone in his voice. “I know you were helping Coran decorate.”

“Oh we totally did,” Pidge confirmed, laughter in her words. “But it’s mostly just plastered around Shiro and Curtis’ room. You didn’t answer me.”

Keith fell silent, tightening his grip on her and sighing. “I…I’ll think about it,” he finally agreed.

Pidge leaned back against him, warm and smelling like fire and cinnamon. “Thanks,” Keith mumbled after a moment. “For not…”

“I’d never,” and her voice was the most serious he’d heard it in a long time. “Never. That’s for you. When you’re ready.”

Down in the field, Lance looked up, face lighting up when he saw the two of them cuddling on the hillside. He lifted his hand and waved like a maniac. Pidge snickered and waved back, elbowing Keith until he lifted a tentative hand too. “You’re in love with such a dork, you know that?”

His smile came unbidden. “Yeah. Yeah, I am.”

Lance found Keith on the roof of the family barn, watching the stars as if he hadn’t spent the last six – or 8, depending on how you looked at it – years flying through them. He climbed the trellis up, getting a glance at his approach, and sank down next to him, wrapping his arms around his knees. For a while they sat in silence, listening the wind coil around them and the crickets chirping in the distance.

“You’re going soon, then?”

Keith had been on planet for the last several weeks, since Easter, and all Lance knew was that he wasn’t staying at the farm forever. Which…part of him kind of wanted him to, even though he knew that Keith was doing important missionary work on other planets.

“Mm-hmm.”

Lance hesitated. When it came to Keith, he was at a loss. Hunk usually needed cuddling and hugs and long talks to work out his problems. Pidge used the rubber duck solution for scientific problems and quiet cuddling for emotional ones. Allura had been a mixture.

But Keith…was a mystery. Lance knew he openly talked about his feelings with Shiro and sometimes Pidge or Krolia, but never him. It stung, in a way. But it didn’t mean he was going to stop trying.

“Are you okay?”

Keith drew his knees closer to his mouth. Lance stayed quiet, knowing that sometimes pestering didn’t help people talk. He kept his eyes off him, too, watching only from his peripheral. Keith opened his mouth once, twice, closed it again and kept it shut. After a long, agonizing few minutes, he finally spoke.

“Do you ever feel…” Keith faltered, fingers physically opening and closing to find the word. “Like you’re not…I don’t know, in the right place?”

Lance tilted his head, leaning it on his knees. “Mentally or physically?”

Keith kept his eyes turned to the sky. “Maybe both?”

“Mm, yeah, sometimes. I think everyone does. Do you…feel that way?” he asked, trying not to pry too deep.

Keith’s lips pursed and Lance found himself tracing the shape of them with his eyes while he waited. “Kind of,” Keith said, licking his lips. “I…I love what I do. I love the people we help. But lately I’ve…”

He trailed off, and with a tug on his heart, Lance realized he was crying. He sat upright, eyes wide and mouth falling a little, but forced himself not to move. “You?”

Keith’s chin quivered. “I feel like…” His voice cracked. “I guess I’m homesick. But I don’t…I don’t even know what to call home. If it exists.”

His whole body shook and it took everything in Lance’s willpower to not scoot over and hug him until he couldn’t breathe. “My mom is…she’s so important to me. And I love her. And I feel at home with her. But it’s not…I lied. To you.”

Lance’s heart skipped. “What?”

“Last year, when you got the job,” Keith whimpered, pressing his hands to his face, and everything be damned, Lance scooted closer. “I told you…I told you I had what I wanted. I lied. I don’t know what I want, I just know that I want-”

He cut himself off, wary, eyed Lance like he was afraid he would laugh. His cheeks were red, Lance assumed from crying. “I want more,” he croaked out, voice wavering.

Lance let himself move in, wrapped Keith in the tightest hug he could muster. “That’s okay,” he whispered, carding his fingers through his hair as Keith clung to him. He swallowed, shutting his eyes. “You don’t have to know. It’s okay.”

“Please don’t leave,” Keith pleaded, his grip tight on Lance’s shoulders. “Please.”

Lance’s heart lurched and if he could have physically held Keith closer, he would have. “I won’t. Quiznak, of course I won’t, dude. You’re- you always have a home here. I promise.”

Holding Keith, listening to his shaking sobs and watching him break into pieces, Lance realized with a clarity he hadn’t had in a long time that at some point during the last five years, he’d fallen head over heels for the original red paladin.

“I think I love you. I think…I think I love you. I love you. I think-”

“Lance! Come on, ten minutes until the march!”

Lance huffed and pressed his hands against the wall on either side of the mirror. His reflection stared back at him, slicked back hair, dark blue tie and black suit, a shockingly pretty orange rose pinned to his lapel. “Yup. Yup, I’m coming Hunk.”

The door opened behind him and Lance met Hunk’s eye in the mirror. Matching suit, though with a yellow tie, hair pulled back into a ponytail. He eyed him, frowning. “You okay dude?”

Lance rubbed a hand over his jaw, pushing away from the wall. “I don’t know. I want…I don’t know.”

Hunk shut the door behind him slowly, leaning against it and studying Lance. “It’s not the wedding, is it?”

Lance shook his head. “No, but you’re right, we have to get out there for the march. I can deal with it later. This isn’t the place.”

“For what?”

Hunk moved aside as Lance grabbed the doorknob. He didn’t turn it though, just held it. Pondering. “I want to tell him,” he said quietly.

Hunk was silent for a second. “Oh. Oh my god, dude, yes!”

“But I don’t…I don’t know how. And I shouldn’t…I really shouldn’t do it here. Not at a wedding, I mean, that seems super selfish, right, that’s selfish? That’s totally selfish, I couldn’t do that to Coran, I-”

“Bro,” Hunk chuckled, gripping his shoulders gently. “No, it’s not. I mean, okay maybe if you do it during the ceremony or make a big deal out of it, but you’re not gonna do that. It’ll be fine. I’ll be here the whole time, so will Pidge, and Shiro, everyone. You got this.”

Shay popped her head in the room, lifting an eyebrow. “If you two are done, you are two of the main four stars of this show, and we would LOVE for you to be out there.”

“Sarcastic much, babe?”

“It seems to be the easiest way to get humans to actually do things.”

“Touché.”

Lance wasn’t sure how Alteans did weddings, but Coran’s vows were LONG as HELL. And then Iverson’s were just as long, and weirdly sappy (the man had grown on Lance a lot since his original Garrison days, but he was still a scary dude when he needed to be, so this was just a whole change of pace). The reception afterwards was lovely. Lance ate, avoided Keith, danced some more, drank way too much, and towards the end of the night downed his last glass of wine and stumbled outside.

“You’re not driving, are you?”

He turned to find Keith sitting there, red tie loose around his neck and jacket crumpled next to him. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, which Lance found unfairly hot. “Because I can drive you home, if you need.”

Lance shook his head, stumbling and sitting next to Keith with minimal falling. “No. No, I’m not…no driving. I’m not…I’m not stupid. I mean I am but like…not like that.”

Keith’s lips twitched in amusement. The air around them was cold, and it was helping to dull the alcohol in Lance’s system, easing the slight throbbing in his head. “You okay?” he asked. He was warm as hell.

“Yeah, I’m good,” Keith assured him. “A lot of people. I was getting overstimulated.”

Lance frowned, furrowing his eyebrows. “I can go.”

“No,” Keith said, quick. He flushed at Lance’s curious gaze and shrugged, glancing away. “You’re fine. It’s not bad when it’s someone I…I mean…”

“I think I love you.”

Lance’s eyebrows furrowed as Keith whipped his head around, mouth gaping like a fish, until his words caught up with his brain. He clapped a hand over his mouth, swallowing. “S-Sorry, sorry, shit, that’s not-”

“Lance.”

He squeezed his eyes shut, hand still on his face. The world felt like it was spinning around him, suffocating him. He couldn’t breathe. Keith’s voice was gentle when he spoke. “Lance, are you just that drunk? Or-?”

The second time was easier. “I love you,” Lance breathed, letting his hands fall into his lap and his eyes open. He stared at the pavement, his mouth dry. “I wanted to tell you…for a while. But I…it was never the right time.”

A pause. “How long?” Keith asked, soft.

Lance licked his lips. “Thinking back on it? Since I almost got sucked out into space through the air lock. That’s…I mean, that’s when it started. It didn’t really hit me until a couple months ago.”

Silence. Lance shut his eyes again. “I’m sorry, I made it weird, I-”

“You didn’t make anything weird, Lance,” Keith whispered, and his voice was closer now. Lance cracked an eye open to see Keith facing him, a knee dragged up under him on the bench. His hands settled on Lance’s leg. “You have…no idea how long I’ve loved you.”

A breath that Lance didn’t know he’d been holding shuddered out of him and he surged forwards, hand sliding up Keith’s jaw and tangling in his hair, dragging his lips against his and trying to remember how to breathe through his nose as they kissed.

Keith’s fingers closed around Lance’s tie, tugging him closer, until he was practically sitting in Keith’s lap on the tiny bench. He gasped into his mouth, pulling back, and Lance blinked twice, dragging a thumb over Keith’s skin to swipe at a tear. “What’s wrong?” he whispered, anxiety settling in his gut.

Keith huffed a laugh, letting his forehead fall to Lance’s shoulder, hands moving to cradle him in a hug. “I’ve just wanted this for so long. It doesn’t feel like…like it’s real.”

Lance reached back and tangled their fingers together, pulling Keith’s right hand up to his chest and settling it over his pounding heart. “It’s real. I promise you, I’m real. This is real.”

He pressed a soft kiss to Keith’s forehead. “I’m sorry it took me so long.”

Keith snorted. “Me too.”

“Wanna get out of here?”

“Absolutely.”

#klance #my writing #klance fanfiction #voltron #writing commissions #vld #lance #keith #hunk #pidge #shiro #coran #im all in on the coriverson ship now beep beep motherfuckers #lol thank you for commissioning me again fam i love your prompts

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tube-thoughts-blog · 6 years

Text

Vol. 11

Zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

"Groove On Fight" --Sega Saturn-- (Atlus) -1997- *Imagine a Japanese pretty boy version of Christopher Walken with a neo biker / leather cowboy fetish. Now imagine an entire, -wealthy & powerful- "Game of Thrones style" inbred family of them all with some peculiar fetish. They fight it out for control of the family. The matriarchy of the family is two grannies tied back to back like Siamese bondage twins. One fight takes place on the back of an American type bomber plane up above the clouds. That last sentence pretty much speaks to the disturbed nature of a lot of Japanese art after World War 2.* close to 3 stars

Godfrey Ho's "Ninja Commandments" (1987) *Who knew that honky moral issues like pre-marital sex were such problems for Ninjas, or that they liked to party with skanky groupies, and that pretty much all ninjas are not-so-secretly middle age white men.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Red Letter Media: Best of the Worst --------

*Deadly Prey: Ice T's "The Game"(?), a movie where a guy gets kidnapped by army dudes and hunted for sport only to fight back, this time with a hero who's a Patrick Swayze type bohunk Rambo.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hard Ticket To Hawaii: Skinemax classic about blonde bimbos trying to stop criminal smuggling in an exotic locale. Also, killer, "infectious," cancer-ridden, huge snake.* 2 1/2 stars

*Miami Connection: Lost & found gem of a movie with nearly as many awkwardly awesome moments as Tommy Wiseau's "The Room."* 3 stars

Red Letter agrees that Miami Connection is "The Best of the Worst."

---------------------------------

"Red Earth" aka "Warzard" (Capcom) *A wizard summons up a bunch of kaiju monsters, in scattered epic sites, that only a big lion-man and several other heroes can vanquish from the earth. Typical wizard being a total dickhead, to the rest of magic-impaired mankind, behavior.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Bushido Blade 2" (Playstation 1) *Bloodthirsty Japanese clans have kept up the honor of warring over territory for power for centuries up into modern times, in this game. It's a nice mixture of both old and new worlds, and the music and dialogue is well done, and even the setting and characters (though limited by the blocky polygon look of early 3D). It keeps with "realism" too with one good killing stroke, with a warrior's sword, doing the job. It even has thrills like bikini girls with machine guns.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Kurosagi Corpse Delivery Service Vol. 4" (Dark Horse Manga) *Morbid and eccentric tales of a group of Buddhist college students with unique gifts of communicating with corpses littered in strange locations around Japan. They help fill the odd requests of these bodies to be put at peace usually in some morbid way or involving some morbid mystery. Instead of trash "reality" entertainment like Long Island Medium, this much better "talking with the deceased" fiction should be turned into tv entertainment for western audiences. It's so much more interesting and entertaining.* 3 stars

"Savage Reign" (SNK) *This is the Kris Kross of fighters. Kriss Kross being a pair of 12 year old rappers whose record company realized their talent was lacking so they came up with the bright idea to have the duo dress with their clothes backwards. The gimmicks in Savage Reign are plenty. There's a clown who fights with roller skates. A valley-girl swinging around a pink bowling ball. His name is Joker, and she looks like a cleaned up Harley Quinn, come to think of it now. A Vanilla Ice look-a-like sports a Captain America' Canadian tuxedo of denim and stars and stripes. The Ryu style hero, of the game, fights without fireballs but instead a silly boomerang. The big boss is a fancier "cock of the walk" Shao Kahn throwing his punches with fists covered in boxing gloves. Sickly serene backgrounds include a generic Disneyland theme park and an underground cow milking gang hideout that is almost as weird as something out of "Naked Lunch."* 2 stars

The Spoony Experiment: Clones of Bruce Lee *When Bruce Lee tragically died during the height of his career, movie producing jerks didn't let it stop them from abusing his legacy. Tons of Bruce Lee impersonators popped up and a sub-genre of exploitation movies was born. They were called Brucesploitation flicks. In this one, it's about as shameless as it gets with a plot about cloning Bruce Lee before his body has even grown cold and using the clones for nefarious purposes.* close to 2 stars for the sleazy, cheesy movie and 3 stars for Spoony's review

"Fight For Life" (The Last Official Atari Jaguar Game) --1996-- *Show a kid, today, an Atari 2600 game and they'll think you're giving them something like an ink blot test. Having witnessed an Atari 2600 game, back in the day, it felt like I was standing on the edge of the digital future. The Atari Jaguar promised that brave, new, digital future with their doomed Jaguar gaming machine. I remember the first time I saw Sega's Virtua Fighter in an arcade. I did get that "tomorrow feeling." I couldn't wait to take these blocky 3D characters and make them my sandbox toys tossing them around with their ragdoll physics. It was mind blowing. Atari's Fight For Life wanted to be like Virtua Fighter, only it comes off more like a 2600 ink blot test for the imagination, and really painful to the senses. Man, is it ugly and clunky. It's definitely not "epic," but I can compare it to something else that is "epic." The Faith No More "Epic" music video where the fish out of water is flopping its death throes. It's more like that fish than a jaguar.* between 1 and 1 1/2 stars

The Cinema Snob: Karate Girl *Rape revenge exploitation "thriller" circa 1970s about a mute girl from a Turkish village. The kind of movie that Tarantino would rip off elements from and be called a genius later. Also featuring an infamous over-the-top death scene that's become an internet meme.* close to 2 stars for the movie & close to 3 stars for the review

"The Blonde Fury" (1989) *Cynthia Rothrock is the greatest female action star. It had to be said, because it's true. This is a Hong Kong action flick about crazy counterfeiters and quirky investigators. The English dubbing is extra entertaining and the comedy is quite clever.* 3 stars

Black Sails: Season 1 Episode 5 *Finally, a bloody battle, at sea, to go along with the pirate base politics and prostitute abuse.* 3 stars

Hot Package: Pilot (Adult Swim) --2013-- *Spoof of insipid celebrity obsessed shows like E!NEWS and Entertainment Tonight, but with a weird EverythingIsTerrible style obscure internet clip twist. Featuring "hot phone sex" Pat from Access Hollywood and produced by Tim & Eric from Adult Swim.* close to 2 1/2 stars

"Slap Happy Rhythm Busters" (Playstation One) *Filled with quirky characters who use supermoves similar to a Marvel Versus series game & graphics as brightly colored as 'Viewtiful Joe' 'Katamari Damacy' & 'Legend of Zelda Windwaker', Slap Happy will slap you silly with enjoyment.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Slaughter Sport" aka "Tongue of the Fatman" (Razorsoft) Sega Genesis 1991 *Another barbaric battle of death, in a palace pit, hosted by a Jabba the Hutt style freak boss who also looks like a shirtless Eric Cartman, in his underwear, with a hideous face and tongue on his fat rolls of a belly. Tech-abominations like a cybernetic chicken, fierce sex slave warrior chicks, gassy gargoyles, spider-women, bad boy white rappers, and other mutated freaks of the wasteland compete for the hunger and amusement of Mondu, the fatman. His pet sand-shark finishes off the losers.* running from close to 2 stars down to 1 star

"Godzilla, Destroy All Monsters: Melee" (x-Box) *This has almost everything a fan of kaiju destruction could want. Just about every Tokyo stomping monster is in it, and playable. Only thing missing is frightened citizens running about pointing at "Gojira." Plus, I think the voices over the airwaves should sound Asian. Points for the quirky bits like a UFO hovering over attacking and Mothra getting in on the action.* close to 3 stars

"Rakuga Kids" *Some brats battle their stuffed animals around their playrooms and neighborhood that look like they're out of a pop-up storybook. It's sort of Street Fighter 2 meets Toy Story 2. Animated similar to Rugrats and Adult Swim's Home Movies.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Dragoon Might" -Arcade- (Konami) --1995-- *The fancy presentation of this game reminds me of 2009's 3D spectacle, Avatar. It makes me wanna reach out and pick a low hanging piece of pretty fruit and bite into it. Yet, there's a pit. The artistry and poetry looks at times like it's coming from a Crouching Tiger, but hidden in the bushes, ready to pounce, is a shirtless guy in torn jeans and brandishing a butcher knife. It's just goodtime trash stealing your quarters.* 2 1/2 stars

"Kaiser Knucle" (Arcade) *This is the Vanilla Ice "Cool As Ice" of Street Fighter 2 rip offs. You can play as Fred Flinstone's daughter or "Barts" Yes with an S (teen biker Bart Simpson?) & Ryu w/ flowing mullet, or even "Boggy" who is a MC Hammer wannabe. "Don't hurt 'em!"* 2 stars

Nostalgia Critic: Rise of the Commercials *A look back on when silly advertising really RULED! "Don't put it in your mouth." That is unless it's been properly branded by corporate America and parent approved.* 3 stars

Double Dare: Super Sloppiest Moments *Kids, and their mostly whitebread families, get covered in green slime.* 2 1/2 stars

Jack & Triumph: Commercial *It starts off funny with making fun of Dennis Leary for stealing Bill Hicks' comedy act. Then it gets typical with the whole Alan Thicke showing up and we're supposed to accept that he's now "ironically funny" because he's a square former celebrity acting in an offensive way that we never saw on his old tv show. That's the same kind of lame shit that media is always trying to do in a hipster way with all these former celebrities from the 70s, 80s, or 90s. Robert Smigel can do so much better, see TV Funhouse for example.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Master Ninja 1 *Lee Van Cleef makes a convincing wild west badass. Surrounded by 70s style slacker dude in a muscle van, mousey & young Demi Moore, hicksploitation villains, and obvious kung fu stuntman doing his action work -Lee struggles to make a convincing martial arts badass.* 2 stars with riffing between 1 1/2 and 2 stars without riffing

"Project Justice" --Sega Dreamcast-- (Capcom) *I believe it was the 70s, that era of great television, that first introduced the novelty of students teaming up with a teacher in the classic "Welcome Back, Kotter." The 80s went further, with this, having society's school aged misfits solving problems of gangs of bullies terrorizing the halls of school or jerks who wanted to close down the local youth center and even the retro cheese staple of ski slope jerks challenging our youthful heroes to a race for control of the ski slope club's mountain. This game is similar, in nature, and has the extra benefit of featuring quirky Japanese style characters and aesthetics.* close to 3 stars

"Last Bronx" (Sega Model 2 Arcade) *Consumer electronics have always been trendy with yuppies. When home entertainment centers became hot, everybody had to have one. Digital watches were on every wrist. A Sony walkman around every neck and in every pocket. Still, there was always a stigma about technology, whenever it was new or in development. At the turn of the 21st century, few would have imagined people lining up around the streets to get each new Apple computer product. Same with gaming, it was a kids novelty, and didn't have the online social media culture that it enjoyed after their was a broadband connection and a Sony Playstation 2 in most every living room across the globe. In the 90s testing stage for high end electronics and gaming, Japan was the tech giant. This game says "Last Bronx" but it's more like "Neo Tokyo." It had to have been pretty revolutionary for the time, and yet it looks very much like some thing most of us western yuppies would turn away at.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Robocop, the series: Officer Missing *"Winter is coming".... Land of the Dead... The Purge.... A Christmas Carol (Well, maybe not that one), Robocop did it first.* close to 2 1/2 stars

The Gong Show with Dave Attell: Season 1 Episode 8 *This show yips off into the sunset (cancelled, deservingly, I'm guessing) like a balloon animal dog from the sphincter of a sword swallower. It was riding a flaming pogo stick. The straw that broke the camel's back was heavy metal cookie monster or large man in diaper strip tease.* 2 stars

Robert Crumb: Despair *"You may not think it's funny, but I've got a morbid sense of humor."* close to 3 stars

"Power Instinct: Matrimelee" (Atlus) --Neo Geo-- *The creepy family members, from "Groove On Fight," are back. This time they're fighting it out, on a televised American Idol type stage, Jerry Springer style. The prize is a hand in marriage. Given its pedigree, and Japanese setting, it's weird as fuck, yet very surprisingly charming.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Kill Or Be Killed" (1980) *Our villain: an escaped Nazi seeking vague revenge by hosting a "Enter the Dragon" type death tournament. Our hero: a mullet-headed, shirtless, karate badass in a tight pair of bell-bottom jeans. He's out to save his girlfriend from the Nazi. Our wildcard: a Game of Thrones type scheming dwarf helping out our karate hero. Our story: pure grindhouse chop sockey cinema.* close to 3 stars

"Rabbit" (Sega Saturn) *Presentation of this game is nice. It reminds me of the new HD Rayman games' colorful eye candy and whimsy joined together with a clever Cartoon Network cartoon like Regular Show or Adventure Time. The fighters each have a beast or spirit animal. It reminds me of sports fanatics and their team mascots. If so many animals weren't endangered, sports fans would be worse than an old school Ruskie with a dancing bear. There would be a stadium full of Eagles fans each with their own personal bald eagle to show off. Dolphins fans would have a kids swimming pool, in the living room beneath the big screen, sporting a live dolphin who they'd feed anchovies off of their pizza to. Another thing about these fighting games, why are all the people in the background so unaffected by the brawls? They're always nicely eating a bowl of noodles in an outdoor cafe or riding a bicycle with a monkey or.....* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Waku Waku 7" (Sunsoft) -1996- *While watching lemmings hop around musically, on this game, I had an epiphany. Fellas we are never gonna get around to building those war robots out of our spare lawnmower and washing machine parts. Ladies, our obese house cats aren't gonna magically start talking and giving us humorous life advice to share on social media. Don't fret, we'll always have the Japanese to create our crazy dreams. That is unless a giant, radiated salamander, with a taste for human sushi, crawls up on the sands of some south Pacific beach.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Streets of Rage 3" (SEGA) *It's a typical beat 'em up story. The evil Mr. X is controlling the city with his band of street punks. Our heroes: Dr. Zan (the bald fu-manchu sporting head of a martial arts sensei badass on top of a cyborg body riding around on rocket skates), this ninja chick in a short minskirt, a blonde Ken Masters look-a-like kung fu street fighter, and a token 90s black kid who loves basketball so much he won't put down his b'ball. They have to battle through wave after wave of mercs and pick up turkey dinner power ups.* 2 1/2 stars

Red Letter Media: Best of the Worst --------

Russian Terminator: *"that's what friends ARE! for" also an Anna Nicole look-a-like, a Kenny Rogers look-a-like, and a ninja.* 2 very awkward stars

Ninja Vengeance: *"Ninja" (a horrible one) John Tesh look-a-like on the run from the Klan in the backwoods of a hicksploitation town.* 1 1/2 stars

Never Too Young To Die: *Heart-throb John Stamos, sexy "Vanity" who's a Prince protege, and chick with a dick Gene Simmons is the rockstar who plays the over the top villain.* 2 stars

Red Letter Media ranks them best to worst as Russian T., Never Too Y., and Ninja V.*

---------------------------------

Freddy Krueger in "Mortal Kombat" (2011) *Freddy mocked the rising popularity of video games in "Freddy's Dead." Two decades later, he returns to the mockery. Released a couple years after the toothless remake, this tongueless appearance by Freddy is sorely missing Robert Englund's macabre wordplay.* 1 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Identity Crisis ----

*Jeff Conaway, and the sheriff from Friday the 13th: Part 6, give this episode a level of Tales from the Crypt "star power." The story is the 'Family Ties' zeitgeist of the its time period. The spirit of the 60s (hippies) versus the spirit of the 80s (yuppies).* close to 3 stars

*Teenage pound puppies. Emo pound puppies.* 1 1/2 stars for most of the episode 2 1/2 stars for the Freddy dreamhouse sequences

---------------------------

Forensic Files: Postal Mortem *Radioshack enthusiast who's a 'Hercules Bullseye Bomber' and master forger of Mormon historical documents.* 2 1/2 stars

Wizards and Warriors: Skies of Death *Doomsday cannon on the cliffs of doom.* 3 stars

Attack On Titan: Episode 2 *Giving a new meaning to "in your face." A term that I don't care for, but here it comes to represent humongous, naked, grinning humans stomping up in one's personal space to chow down on that person like a corndog. The emotions of the kids, and the dread of the situation for them, keeps everything from getting too out of hand as a spectacle.* 3 stars

The Cinema Snob: The Pierre Kirby Saga *A more-than-competent action badass from a handful of less-than-competent Hong Kong action exploitation "movies."* 3 stars for Snob's retrospect and close to 2 stars for the "movies"

Look Around You: Iron *Point point zero point, ring the bell and the experiment can begin within the twinkling of an eye that is hidden behind a metal face shackle.* 2 1/2 stars

VH1 Classics --- Pop Up Video --- (The Big 80's) -------

a-ha - "Take On Me": Few Americans stuck around to notice that this internationally popular Swedish band lasted long after their early 1980s one hit wonder and only broke up after the 1994 Winter Olypics in which they were featured European band.* 3 plus stars for the pop ups and 3 classic MTV stars for the original video

Pat Benatar - Love is a Battlefield": 30 year old Pat portrayed a 16 year old runaway "too controversial for MTV prostitute" in this video.* 3 plus stars with pop ups and close to 3 stars MTV classic without

John Cougar - "Jack & Diane": One guy lived in a coma for 37 years. He wasn't doing a lot of handclapping and air drumming like Johnny Cougar was doing in this video.* 3 stars with pop ups between 2 1/2 and 3 stars without

Lionel Richie - "Hello": Lionel loves for all of his video vixens to have the same hairstyle as he does.* 3 stars with pop ups 2 1/2 stars, cheesy stars, without pop ups

Van Halen - "Hot For Teacher": This unruly music video caused the child stars to eventually become unruly like the real life Van Halen.* 3 plus stars with pop ups 3 sleazy stars without pop ups

--------------------------

Viper: Mind Games *A sleeper saboteur, a vixen viper, and a truckload of disease.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Twisted Tales #10 ----------------- (Bruce Jones, Bernie Wrightson, Bill Wray, Rick Geary)

Beer: A story of ribbing greenhorns up where the tree-line ends and the green turns to white snowy mountains, and there be yeti's who drive a hard bargain and a sled.* 3 stars

One For The Money: A cat-burglar gets caught and commits murder. He assumes a bear-suit disguise and flees to the woods where he gets gunned down by hunters.* 2 1/2 stars

Hatchet Job: Scientists go back and time and bumble trying to solve the Lizzie Borden murders. ha.* 2 1/2 stars

Two For The Show: A retelling of the earlier cat-burglar tale. This time the party guest kills the intruder, then takes the jewels for himself. Instead of getting shot by a pair of hunters, he gets mauled by a mother grizzly bear. The irony.* close to 3 stars

A haggard man buys a bed from a used store for his sick daughter to rest on her deathbed as she gets out of the hospital. That night, he's visited by the ghost of a girl haunting the bed that died in it, years earlier, in a torn down orphanage fire.* 3 stars, I guess...

Poison in the Pantry: A miserable and mistreated wife and stepmother puts rat poison in the family's soup. She dreams of even better days, from behind bars.* 3 stars

-------------------------------

Hill Street Blues: Life. Death. Eternity... *Etcetera.* 3 stars

X Files: Tooms *Skinner, the Smoking Man, and one of the best "monster" villains ever on the show.* 3 stars

Twitch City: I'm Fat and I'm Proud *Every episode of every tv show ever on tape. And almost everything else a slacker could ever want, for all seasons, except love? And the ability to exit comfortably into society.* 3 stars

Real Pulp Comics #1 *Perverse and humorous tales of skid row lowlifestyle in the babyboom generation's peak.* 2 1/2 stars

Max Headroom: Neurostim *Football, Fast-Food, Fantasy. counter-Fucking-revolutionary.* 3 stars

Farscape: Nerve *Infiltrating a Peacekeeper base, and meeting the Peacekeeper's Darth Vader (Scorpius).* 3 stars

Look Around You: Brain *"Pretty smart for something that looks like a common garden cauliflower."* close 3 stars

Forensic Files: Micro Clues *Tiny communities of freshwater creatures ring out truth and justice from the lungs of a drowned boy of a Swiss village.* 2 stars

Kingdom Hospital: Season 1 Episode 10 *Call the doctor, call the nurse, these guys (King and Lars) are goofy and getting worse.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

---Animal Planet--- I Was Bitten: The Walker County Incident *"Animal Planet, surprisingly human." Unsurprisingly stupid. Far more entertaining than the usual (Finding Bigfoot) cryptozoology reality tv whore idiots. Points for the twist ending prank gotcha moment.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

======= Trash TV ---- Seasons Finale ------ Marathon ===================

Forensic Files: Something's Fishy *The cyanide tainted Excederin pain reliever panic of the early 90s.* 2 1/2 stars

Forensic Files: Sealed With A Kiss *Psycho teacher stalks herself and then frames a rival faculty member.* close to 3 stars

Forensic Files: Deadly Parasites *Shit leaked into Lake Michigan contaminates the Milwaukee water supply and kills over a hundred people.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --- Murder House: Afterbirth *The "Murder House" is back on the market at a reduced prices. Also, ghosts can slit other ghosts' throats and they bleed ghost blood. Who knew? They even like to celebrate the season of giving (Christmas) with all the trimmings of the living.* either 1 star or 3 stars for a balls out finale

American Horror Story --- Asylum: Madness Ends *Lana Winters (the reporter from AHS: Asylum) is no Edison Carter (the reporter from Max Headroom). And so concludes this chapter of American Melodrama. Horror's end is supposed to be wrapped up in neat little bows of tenderness... EH? No? Ok.* 2 1/2 stars, I guess

American Horror Story --- Coven: Go To Hell *"I made you die those little deaths." Hell is a fried chicken shack. Ghosts need passports for travel. Who knew? Paula Deen isn't really sorry. She's just sorry that she was caught.* close to 3 stars

American Horror Story --- Coven: The Seven Wonders

*Welcome to the World Series of witchcraft. Let the Harry Potter games begin.

I especially got a chuckle out of the girls just wanna have fun teleportation game of tag that happened right after the hippie witch got stuck in her own personal "8th grade biology dissection of a frog" hell.

It would seem like black humor, but I think it's not meant to be. It's just poor writing.

Take for instance how the redheaded hag/nag says that the new supreme witch can't have a "Whitewater scandal" to be a blemish on her new leadership.

So, she demands to be burned alive in the most soap opera dramatic and laughable way possible to the Stevie Nicks music that's playing throughout the show (the show even begins like a Stevie Nicks music video. *rolls eyes*).

Since the new Coven is going public (kind of like a corporation joining the New York Stock exchange and opening all their books up, or whatever), one would think that committing an act of murder (the witch burning) might somehow leak out and be frowned upon eventually leading to scandal.

Anyway, that aside, "The Axe Man" and "Fiona" carry the show with their charisma and moody moments together, as usual.

We get another feel good ending, for some reason, because that's horror, according to the producers of this show and the Fox musical GLEE.

Why are these guys pretending to do horror?

I did appreciate Fiona's return from the dead, before dying again (Ha), reminding me of Interview With A Vampire's scene where Tom Cruise crawls out of the swamp after being gatorbait left for dead by his gloomy boyfriend and porcelain doll daughter.

Also, in closing, Fiona's version of hell was quite fitting and moody compared to the pretentious and childish versions of hell for all the other characters.

For example; the annoying good teenager chick's hell beat out the annoying bad teenager chick's hell for level of awfulness.

And that was an accomplishment.

The bad chick's hell was being stuck on a Hollywood musical that she didn't like. *Snot*

The good chick's hell was having her James Dean wannabe boyfriend breaking up with her every day. *Vomit*

I guess hell is happening here on earth for every emo 16 year old all the time.

I have already wasted too many words on most of this pile stinky fish guts.*

running from around 1 1/2 stars a lot of the time up to 2 1/2 stars at different moments

==========================================================================

"Sacred Cow Halloween Special" circa 1993 (All Hallow's Eve? Why not? It's June) *Early 1990s public access tv special featuring a lot of low-fi indie music videos from bands who don't give a shit and live call in guests to the hosts and Bill Hicks in hell. Plus the legend, Bill Hicks, pulls out the home video footage of where he stood in the neighboring cow pasture, and ranted about the government, while Janet Reno rolled tanks with flamethrowers through the walls of a crazy cult so that they could charbroil children. Yep, have a happy trick r' Summer treat and roast in the heat.* more than 2 1/2 stars

"Beyond Belief" =================================

*Early 90s Nickelodeon took time to educate kids, where modern Nick tries to sell them tweeny bopper pop star insipid kid sitcoms.

Stories here include:

The City of the Dead that lies beneath Paris.

History lesson about how the Greeks burned half the Roman, enemy, fleet using solar energized shields.

Sadly poetic tale of The Elephant Man and his time in a London hospital.

Important message about conservation and protecting endangered animals. "Don't cut down the rainforest." Man, I have fond memories of "earth friendly" science lessons during my childhood school years. A really hopeful, positive time.

We visit the Cabaret Mechanical Theater featuring robotic dolls & toys (creepy and cool).

Some funny laws, around the world, are discussed like the illegal carrying of ice cream cones in your pocket in Kentucky and so on.

Cursed opera causes God to smite anyone the opera singer looks at while singing, "Oh, God smash him!"

We meet a 17 year old autistic genius artist who can draw any London monument or building. Autism was still misunderstood, greatly, during this time.

A visit to an old magician's backyard where he displays to us a new, old trick.

Finally, it's a history lesson about Westerners reluctance at first and then being sold on the idea and practice of embalming the corpses of their loved ones for funeral display.

Great stuff.

-Classic commercials include:

Scram Ball, "the hot new game."

Bubble tape, the bubble gum that's hard for grandma to eat.

Murray mountain bikes are so rugged that they can help a 10 year old outrun his 16 year old bro's pickup truck on rocky terrain.

A Fresh Prince of Bel'Air kid is tired of being told "no" so he eats Raisin Bran for some reason....

A gang of 90s tv kids have a video cam corder scavenger hunt thanks to McDonalds.*

close to 3 stars

=======================================================

Police Squad: A Substantial Gift (WLS7-Chicago) 3 - 4 - 1982 =============

*First we get a commercial for a home electronics and appliance store. Man, the 70s and early 80s had such an ugly color decor thing going on. Putrid greens, tans, yellows, and dingy greys going on everything from fridges to stoves to dishwashers to carpet to vaccuumcleaners. Some nice pics of walls of the very popular, at the time, ghetto blaster boom boxes (nice).

"Blast From The Past," Saturday at 6:30 featuring a dapper dude brushing his wavy hair and a go go chick hula hooping. The 80s were really nostalgic for the 50s.

And, now with a flashing red siren we're told we'll be watching Police Squad "In Color." The show starts out with a woman who's being stuck for cash by a crooked orthodonist. Ha. She kills her loan clerk boyfriend and frames a poor sap trying to get the loan in a double homicide.

A hazy looking Loren cosmetics commercial

followed by a movie trailer for the insipid Oscar bait movie "On Golden Pond."

Leslie Nielsen shows up to the crime, knocking over trash cans with his cop car. Funny sight gag of the meat wagon boys taking out an extra, extra long body on an extra, extra long stretcher. They find a way to work in the old type "Who's on first!?" joke to her formal statement of the crime.

The forensic lab guy is a wacko.

A visit to the victim's wife, and Nielsen rambles on about himself (ha) during her grief.

The killer dame shows up to give her official statement looking like an obvious fink in a new fur coat and feathered boa.

We get a funny scene where one cop's so tall his head is off camera.

"Crisp and clean" "No Caffeine" "Never had it, never will." "Feelin' up with 7 'Up."

A pretty model girl walks around fields of amber grains waving while sporting a "Cover Girl Face."

Benson & Open All Night are part of the ABC Friday Night line up.

Lieutenant Nielsen re-enacts the crime by actually shoothing his fellow officers, leaving a pile of bodies while he ponders the crime. Ha.

Cops and Priests (What do you know about life after death? *hands over a 20$*) seek confidential information from a shoe shine man.

Medieval orthodontist gear is highlighted via willingly happy kids wearing headgear. Leslie does some dental exam physical comedy.

Some oblivious cops sight gags in an elevator. Clever stuff.

Showdown with the dirty dame featuring bad wigs and a bullet filled Mexican standoff from a couple feet away from each other behind trash cans and a sidewalk bus bench. Bullhorn "Give it up!" warning from just as close a length.

New Aim mint is the talk of the whiteboy locker room..

Sexy as heck, and wet in a pool, Lynda Carter likes her lips "wet." Mmmmmm

Stay Tuned for Bossom Budies and "Night of 100 Stars"

Old school, syndicated television. Can't beat it.*

3 stars

=========================================================================

MTV's Ridiculousness with special guest Dr. Drew Pinsky *Normally this poor kid's America's Funniest Home Videos for skateboard wiggers, hosted by a skateboard wigger & his black friend & his airheaded blonde friend, would get zero stars for its unfunny commentary on outdated extreme sports accident videos and mishap/ prank videos.... but since quack pop-psychiatry tv celebrity "doctor" Drew is on here and giving insight into the social problems many of these fools, in these foolish videos, do happen to supposedly have... Well, it's more absurd and tolerable.* close to 2 stars

"Five Fingers Of Death" *It's the formula tale of bullies terrorizing a town, and the heroes finally standing up to them. It could be a western, an 80s surfing/ski resort movie, but here it's a Shaw brothers kung fu flick. Many hipsters will recognize the Kill Bill music that Tarantino stole from this film.* 3 stars

Tom Green's Subway Monkey Hour --2002-- *Tom Green will probably always be infamous for the terrible "Freddy Got Fingered," and he deserves it. This hour long MTV special featuring Tom being the weirdest Westerner possibly ever in Japan is way better than that awful Hollywood mistake of a "movie." In fact, it's a dozen times more interesting than the Jackass movies that borrow the skit after skit format of this special. Add an extra thirty minutes of footage from this trip to Japan, which I'm sure they had, and it would have been a better choice to be released in movie theaters instead of "Freddy Got Fingered."* close to 3 stars

Tales From The Crypt: Lover Come Hack To Me *Car trouble on a desolate road on the honeymoon night. The couple seeks shelter in an old-dark-house. There's a cozy fireplace with a big, medieval axe hanging above it. A storm is raging outside. The bride is a strange, little virgin. The groom is a sleazy bohunk acting surprised to have found a 45 magnum in his glove box. She wonders if he married her for the money (no surprise, he did). Bloody memories haunt the place same as their "romance." It's the perfect setting for mur-der (*Thunder & Lightning!*)...* 3 stars

Six Feet Under: The Will *Diving board death. Pyramid scheme. Backstreet Boy look-a-like douchey boyfriend. Meeting of gay firemen. Breaking up with Ed Begley Jr. Blackmail from beyond the grave. Selling a slightly used coffin at a discount rate. Burning someone's name into your flesh. Buyout offer. Emotional breakdown on the bus that killed the father. Toe suck.* close to 3 stars

100 Bullets: The Counterfifth Detective (Vertigo Comics) *Piano bar without a piano player. A private dick wrapped up like the Invisible Man. Stolen art with codes from one's past. A damaging echo.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Justified: Season 1 Episode 5 *The cowboy's pa is an outlaw.* 3 stars

American Gothic: Resurrector *Going away presents for a ghost and a sacrifice to the devil.* close to 3 stars

Kung Fu: Nine Lives *"Find a cat or be a tramp all your life." "Dark and vain are the ways of lust, the poet said." or something of that nature...* 3 stars

"Master of the Flying Guillotine" *A bloody martial arts tournament, where every fighter has a unique gimmick or style, is interrupted by a badass villain using his flying guillotine to pull the heads off of every one armed boxer that he finds until he gets his revenge. He finds out that he's not as badass as the real one armed boxer. This flick had to have had a huge influence on both Street Fighter 2 and Mortal Kombat.* 3 stars

Doctor Who: The Satan Pit *A claustrophobic, high stakes sci fi story similar to The Thing, Leviathan, and Alien.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Horror Express" (Christopher Lee & Peter Cushing) *It's about time, some cryptozoology monster goodness. Finding Bigfoot type nonsense has almost killed the fun in this fantasy genre. It helps that this movie is Hammer horror style and has Lovecraftian-dread overtones.* 3 stars

Gerhard's America: Gerhard at NASCAR *Gerhard finds he has a lot in common with effeminate racer Michael Waltrip.* close to 2 1/2 stars

------ TV Carnage:

*A Lot Of Men Collect Barbie Dolls: "It's a professional hobby, now." Nothing weird, at all here.* 2 stars

*A Woman's Guide To Guns and Hallucinating: Learn about your weapon, instead of fantasizing about it.* close to 2 stars

*Aids = Hump Day Poison!: The 80s were all about high risk behavior.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Child Actor Failures: Are you being rigid enough or in some cases too rigid with your little gold-mine?* close to 3 stars

*Damn Shame: It's a shame that white boy thugs get gunned down every day. Call America's Most Wanted or Yo! MTV Raps with any info on the possible killer.* 2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Big Trouble In Little China

*Joe Bob pokes fun at the culture of addiction.

We learn about Carter Wong, the martial arts expert who stars in the movie. Amazing credits to his kung fu game.

Preview for TNT's new classic "The Golden Child" starring Eddie Murphy

quirky KIA suv car commercial from 1998 featuring cliche gator hunting / swamp loving Cajuns who'd be the type in reality shows more than a decade later. It's funny here, sort of, but tiresome if you live in this era of bad reality tv "real folk" like this.

preview for Jacki Chan's "Rumble in the Bronx" and its American cable tv debut on TNT

a yuppy mom tries to stuff a pizza into her toaster, but doesn't have to anymore because some processed junk food company invented toaster pizza snacks. "White lady/mom problems"

Kim Cattral is gorgeous, in this movie, and not an old whore who'd make you swear off women like she would after her Sex in the City days

SNL's Weekend Update anchor Kevin Nealon sells out for a collect call "so 90s it hurts" advertisement. One good thing about cell phones is that these ads disappeared

Joe Bob's Drive In Totals for this flick: 57 dead bodies... One kidnapping... Four motor vehicle chases... One wheelchair chase... One White-Slavery Ring... Yellow-Slavery Ring... One Machine Gun Massacre... One Machete Battle... Multiple Blue Finger-Flame... One Zombie-fied Levitating 2,000-Year-Old Man With Really Bad Fingernails... Exploding Building...Exploding Temple... Knife To The Forehead... One Ocean of Chained Skeletons... One Palace Of Golden Buddhas... Poison Gas... Nine Kung Fu Scenes...

Racquelle Welch in One Million BC, another drive in classic, next week on Monstervision

Some Hollywood stunt-men cowboys beat the shit out of each other for a Pontiac "Montana" minivan. Sure, why not?

Soulful 70s singer-songwriter Aflac family insurance ad, family station wagon Tru Value helpful employee kidnapping ad, Home Depot helpful employees..., some bruthas turn a stranger's need for directions into a roadtrip down the road for some McDonalds.... 90s commercials tried to be really feel good, but come off very insipid

"Tired of Phony Psychics?" Generic graphics of lightning strikes and huge yellow background typed letters plus a doe eyed weirdo lady claiming to have certified psychics for her phone network.... "Guaranteed Authentic by the U.S. Govt." HAAAA.... wow! what a claim!

Joe Bob pines about how there aren't perfect women in the world, and how guys give up women over nail color, comparing it to the plot of the movie being about the search for a perfect, green eyed Chinese chick

Then, Joe Bob skewers the politically correct critics, of this movie, who said that Big Trouble re-enforced Asian stereotypes.

Kitschy style Miller Lite commercial where four old ladies try to contact the spirit of one lady's dead husband. He's a slab, of course, and comes back to life, possessing the body of one of her friends, raiding the fridge for beer and scratching his (her) ass. She's overjoyed.

Kellog's Breakfast Mates... A commercial that's basically saying, "Let corporate America continue to "raise" your children." It's convenient.

Joe Bob teaches us about Kurt Russell's ties to Elvis and Disney and John Carpenter

TNT updates its Monstervision website "once a week." Current people and websites, of the internet(s), update every second of the day. Waiting a week for something new is almost as painful as the information (nonsense) overload of right now.

Dennis Miller is in line at a hipster coffe shop complaining about the price of "a cup of Joe" and the price of collect calls. If he sounds like a cranky and out of touch old man here, wait til a decade later where he's rambling incoherently to his best pal Mr.Bill O'Reilly on Fox News.

Two 90s alterna-chicks having a conversation: "One day we'll meet, marry, and have cyber sex with the man of our dreams online." Robert Englud cameo in Dee Snider's Strangeland

Joe Bob points out that there's a "not so incognito" Penthouse Pet in this flick

TNT Mail Girl Reno gets asked to how much it would take to "get nekkid" by Joe Bob, and then he reads an angry letter from an upset liberal who loves freedom so much that he wants to ban free speech that he doesn't like by calling it "hatred." Ha. Joe Bob made a joke about "killing liberals" or something and this guy got his feelings hurt. Boo hoo.

Joe Bob rips TNT a new asshole for taking an awful commercial break, featuring about 14 insipid 90s "feel good" commercials, during the EPIC kung fu finale. Being on TNT, and not too late in the night unlike TNT's 100% Weird, Monstervision suffered some really lame commercials. USA UP All Night usually had more lame B movies instead of good B movies, yet they featured a lot more entertaining and sleazy commercials compared to Monstervision Other, late night basic cable and UHF B movies had better commercials than TNT as well. Fucking TNT. So schmaltzy and sickening. You watch a weird, late night movie, you want weird late night commercials, and you want them not to interrupt the best part of the movie. You don't want a great kung fu scene stopped to have five minutes of sepia toned artsy cinematography of elderly couples slow dancing in the shadow of the Brooklyn bridge while romantic piano music plays and there's a warm feeling about life insurance or some crap.

Roll Credits.*

3 stars for Big Trouble (For fun and memorable characters, it's to the 80s what A New Hope was to the 70s) 3 stars for Joe Bob and 1 star for TNT's bullstuff

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--- Found Footage Fest:

*Caught In The Web, Staying Safe in Cyberspace: Surfin' with a cyber sleuth and stopping smut and sickos both online and in the real world. If any of this is actually real.* close to 3 stars

*Check It Out _ Acne Video: "Hip" teen talk show infomercial about bogus zits.* 2 1/2 stars

*Chef Keith _ Fake Chef Pranks Morning TV Shows: You can make one of those creepy smiling talking head news morning show hosts believe that "The average person eats around a pound and a half of feces a year." HA! Most of the feces comes from morning talks shows.* 3 stars

*Christian Rock Video Showdown: We're all a wiener slash loser with these bands that are a even more soft rock cross between Journey, Foreigner, Kenny Loggins, and a hairy butt.* close to 3 stars

*John and Johnny and Earrings: Homeshopping host is giddy about seashell earrings.* close to 2 stars

--------------------------------

Fargo: The Six Ungraspables *There are no saints in the animal kingdom, only breakfast... lunch.. and dinner.* 3 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke in Burlington, Vermont *Home of laidback liberals and Lochness lizards.* 2 1/2 stars

Vanity Fair, Confidential: Mad About the Boys *Lou Pearlman loved to hear singing from voices that hadn't yet gone through puberty. He also loved hot air balloons and ponzi schemes. No surprise that the super-rich sponsor of a creepy cult of child entertainers was not-so-secretly a pig-man spawn of Satan himself.* 2 1/2 stars

X Files: Born Again *Mustache'd cop working Chinatown. He gets killed by some shady colleagues. Years later, he returns as a very gloomy little-girl with special powers and vengeance on her(his) mind.* close to 3 stars

The Prisoner: Checkmate *On a wing and a prayer and unfortunately an air of authority.* 3 stars

----- TV Carnage:

*Dr. Drew and MTV Got Cold Feet: Could be worse. Could be dead like Corey Haim and his girlfriend. Killed by Brigette Nielsen, Stallone and Flava Flav's ex.* close to 2 stars

*TV Carnage: Dixie Carter Death Trip: Designing women to be strangely obnoxious.* 2 stars

*Even His Scream Is Bad Acting: Bohunk (Dumb goodlooking American guy. Not the dictionary definition which insults someone from Europe.) slasher victim.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Give Head Responsibly: Consult your doctor before giving or receiving.* 2 1/2 stars

*God Gives A Second Chance To Anyone. It's In His Book: Especially to those with a Pat Boone singing style and a new book coming out about second chances.* close to 2 1/2 stars

-----------------------------------------

Hannibal: Sorbet *Hannibal has a stalker/fan/wannabe BFF who compares him to Michael Jackson. Meanwhile, Hannibal keeps recipes of people on their business cards.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Look Around You: Music (season 2) *The show's format has completely changed to an in studio info / variety presentation, and while it's no longer the mock science docu-series that it started out as, it's still silly and clever. Plus, it's longer at a half hour.* 2 1/2 stars

Game of Thrones: Season 3 Episode 9 *This show is good and shockingly heavy, as usual, but I watch it in a way that would more than frustrate diehard fans. I'm seasons behind where everyone else is, and I have no concern as to when I see the next chapter.* 3 stars

Shaw Brothers: Executioners from Shaolin *At the heart of this movie is a dysfunctional kung fu family. On the wedding night, the groom can't get the bride's legs open because her crane style is too strong. Mother teaches son crane style kung fu and they playfully use it even when she's trying to wash the family's clothes. Dad can't even sit down to a good meal, because son wants to test dad's tiger style kung fu.* 3 stars

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darby-drabbles · 7 years

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Yesterday on twitter I asked for questions from this post,,, specifically for Andre just because, I wanted to talk about him? Feel free to ask me Even More!!! For Andre or other ocs from his story or anyone, I don’t mind. I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve done oc talk so it was good to get back into it. A few questions asked by both @duck-n-clover and @agentchimendez Thank you so much!

4. Has your character ever witnessed experienced something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

(“witnessed” seemed different from “experience” and I just couldn’t think of a witness thing for some reason so I CHanged it to have an actual answer.. IT Is more serious tho now so.. LETs see.)

In general,, he always felt second best compared to his sister and that shaped SO MUCH of what he’s done. Whether it was trying so hard to succeed, overworking and feeling horrible when he failed,, or when he started his intense Rebellious Phase in protest. Sibling favoritism shaped him to crave attention no matter how he got it. And YEAh, people know. He definitely talks about/complains/has breakdowns about not feeling good enough or his family often enough so all his friends know that that’s why he’s Like This sometimes. It only really comes up with his family in the form of snappy angery comments so they get kind of brushed off as Andre being moody AGaiN.

“Adopting” the droid changes him, for the better! (eventually..) He’s reluctant to care for her at first,, he’s a bit, impatient and short-tempered with her? and kinda in general, actually. And since he doess end up messing her up/can’t fix the glitches she had, he feels guilty and like a bit of a failure again. But he also eventually gets more patient, starts to open up more, and meets/becomes closer to people because of her! He’s happier.. Delilah is a very good droid daughter whom he loves and owes a lot to. He might not specifically talk about it too often,, but,,, I think people can tell he’s doing better now because of her.

To get even more serious now, sorry, TW for sexual abuse. I’ve talked about it before so I’m not gonna get too into it, (just the next paragraph, the rest are his reactions to it) you could read more of the details here. (the last question) Skip or read as much as you feel comfortable with, I don’t talk abt anything else until the next question.

He met an older man through his sister and saw him at the bar once. The guy started talking to Andre because he was familiar~ (he also knew Andre snuck in and wasn’t 21 yet and probably had drugs on him 🙃 He holds that against him later.) They go back to this guys place, blow each other. It was an okay little fling at first,, Andre wouldn’t have found the guy memorable. They lay in bed a while until Andre says he wants to go home,,, guy says he still wants to fuck or at least get another bj. Andre refuses but he pins him down and basically did a whole guilt trippy “who are people gonna believe?? you’re a druggy delinquent sneaking into bars to get blowjobs” speech. This guy definitely has a Good Guy image with a lot of people INCluding Andre’s sister Zahra, so Andre figured he was right. They’d believe this guy first, and wouldn’t be on Andre’s side because he’s Always Like This. Acting out and sleeping around and not being in the best situations. “This is all you’re good for.” 🙃 And Andre ‘low self-esteem’ *last name* UH. Totally believes that and feels pretty worthless, unfortunately, and blows him so he can just go home. He was pretty rough with him, which Andre normally likes, so he felt pretty, weird, about that for a while. Andd so he gets it over with and just, tries to go home. The man still teases him a bit trying to get him to stay but he’s very much over this guy and is ready to sleep and shower already.

~~ It makes him angry and defensive for a while and his drug use spikes, he feels used and worthless and gets Even More Self Destructive and a bit destructive in general. He says it wasn’t a big deal, it didn’t affect him he’s fine,, because he wants to avoid it, but it clearly obviously affects him for a while. He’s mad that it happened to him. He does eventually get help for that which in turn helps with stopping the drug use for coping and, that’s goood. He still sometimes insists it wasn’t a big deal it could’ve been worse, but he’ll get upset over it too.

He wouldn’t tell a lot of people, Evelyn and Kriss would know. Avery and Nicki might.. But Evelyn was the only one who knew him at the time, she was one of his few friends, and they’re really close. He goes to her really upset about it soon after it happened. He doesn’t explicitly tell her what happened but it’s sort of implied and she understands. He does tell her later, after the whole thing has calmed down and the memory and trauma isn’t as fresh,, she was a good friend through it and he wanted her to know what was wrong.

He’d tell his more serious partners which would really only be Kriss? (plus maybe some mix n match in that ship/au Perhaps) It happened before dating Nicki, but I don’t think* he would’ve told her just because he still hadn’t really dealt with those emotions himself yet? And their relationship was pretty quick and intense already. Like they’re friends again now but I don’t think they get tooo deep into emotional stuff often anymore. I think he’d want to explain and apologize for some of his actions including the drug use, so he’d find a way to tip toe around the topic a bit?? But probably wouldn’t tell her details. Avery is another of his closer friends and I feel like they vent to each other sometimes, it’s possible that he told them something about it.

*I mentioned in the other post that Nicki might know,, but I’m leaning more to her not knowing now, so, updated info I Guess.

His sister knows he slept with the man but Andre wanted to drop that conversation REal Quick.

5. On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

Whats! In! His! Bag!

There’s the obvious, phone wallet and keys,, spare change. Maybe a pack of gum or a peppermint or someth. A band aid, jic. He’ll bring earbuds if he knows he’ll be alooone and get to listen to music. (I couldn’t find it by itself but the very first vine in this video Is Andre walking down the street. .. Bouncin’ around..) Occasionally, a pocket knife,, maybe a lighter. He doesn’t smoke often anymore but still nice to have. Uhh that’s all I can think of. Pretty Simple. (in baby au he has a bag so he can carry So Much Junk and snacks and toys and just. Anything.)

6. Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

He kinda rarely has memorable dreams, and I don’t think there’s a ton of recurring themes in them? Maybeb a few Anxiety dream thoughts but they’re probably different from each other,, or at least not repeated often enough to notice. ‘OH my teeth fell out This TIme,, last time I just showed up to class naked. That’s fine I guess.’

I think he gets that *feels like you’re falling so you jerk awake really suddenly* feeling kinda often though.

8. Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

I haven’t thought about this?? But no I donn’t thiink so, he’s not a gun guy. If anything he only would’ve been practicing shooting at targets or cans, something like that.

10. Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

More often than not,, less clothing. 👀 To an extent. But, probably when he was younger it would be more clothing bc he was hiding things and felt guarded and comfortable in layers of clothe. How could someone suspect ur on drugs and bruisey from fights and not eating enough if they can’t see your body at all, hmm??? Check, Mate

16. Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

HMm this is a tough one. I mean I wanna say happiness but he doesn’t actually seek that out for himself for A While, and for a long time he kind of struggles with the need to prove himself and show that he’s good enough and not a failure. Sometimes he’s trying to succeed in something that would make his family happy and other times it’s trying to prove it to himself. So when he’s younger I’ll say success, but currently, happiness.

45. What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

One of his grandmother’s died when he was prettyy young and so death was explained in a very,, kid friendly way and + his lil imagination, I think that stuck with him?? They weren’t a particularly spiritual family, they probably said something like, she won’t come back but she’ll always be with you,,, like,,, in your thoughts and in ur heart but he was an imaginative easily spooked kid and kinda took that to mean Ghost. OBVIously…. But that’s not what they meant… That kinda freaked him out as a kid, he didn’t want A Ghost followin him???? Not even a nice gramma-ghost, no way. That’s a haunting! SPooky???? His parents eventually had to explain that no she’s not a ghost she’s just,,, not here any more. But I think he was already pretty set on these thoughts and the thought of not existing anymore At All seemed even scarier tbh? But he did get more comfortable with,, if there was a gramma-ghost,, then she would be nice like gramma.

But he still kinda, believes in ghosts and spirits in some way more than anything,, like your spirit or energy might stick around somewhere familiar or someone you love perhaps. He’s never really had a ghostly experience to back up these thoughts, though, and he sometimes doubts if that’s really what will happen. Maybe reincarnation, maybe u just blink out of existence, he doesn’t know. His afterlife beliefs don’t scare him per say, but I don’t think he’s really comforted by it, either. Death in general scares him a little, so he Tries Not To Think About It.

#q'd bc I got a headache and didn't end up coming back to finish this until Really Late #also i know i'll be having a busy day today so i didn't really wanna hope for gettin this up in the morning jic i couldn't #but yeah thanks again for asking!#androids #original characters #OC facts #OC Headcanons #ask meme #i'll probably actually reblog this sometime soon actually..#but i'm busy today.. booo #long post #sorry i didn't put it under a read more i forgot and now im on mobile

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