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carpenoctxrn · 1 year

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Doctor. Doctor. (Spencer Reid x FemReader)

Chapter 6: The DIstraction

Chapter 5 is here

Join my taglist by clicking here so you dont miss my future works.

Warnings: Horny reader, manipulative reader like they actively try to seduce, mentions of fingering reader, mentions of voyeurism, creepy vibe reader like they are obsessed with Spencer Reid.

P.OV: Y/N

Walking to the group outside I didn’t understand how I should behave. These people are profiler’s. The abrupt actions of before could be justified as first time jitters but now, thirty minutes into the party I couldn’t walk away anymore. I had to face my fear, or rather face my crush.

“Here’s a cocktail made for you by a gentleman whose name I learned is Matt Simmons,” I said as I handed Lisa her drink by coming up in front of her on the couch. Across from me sat Phil and Penelope, the couch against the wall had Luke and Lisa, while Spencer sat on the couch opposite of Luke and Lisa.

“Ohh that's a nice sunset colour,” Lisa said excitedly at the orange and yellow hues of the drink.

“Reminds me of the sunsets I saw as a Lonely ranger,” Luke said with a dramatic seldom look on his face as he looked into the distance.

Penelope just stared at him with a Youre fucking crazy Newbie look, whilst Phil and Reid just laughed at his expression. Lisa however was genuinely interested in what more Luke had to say.

Slowly sipping my Cuba Libre I loved the cold drink against my warm flushed cheeks. I listened to the group chatters between the pairs but soon realised it was conversation amongst themselves. I had only the one human that makes me into a stuttering, blabbering, mess to talk to. Taking a bigger sip of my drink I stood up slowly and sat closer to Spencer. This got his attention and he just looked up at me with a smile.

WHY DOES HE LOOK SO CUTE.

“I’m sorry about what I did before,” I apologised as I began seating.

“I have no idea why you’re apologising,” Spencer's words laced with confusion but his eyes held a warmth and concern that made me look deeper into them.

“You know, inside when I abruptly walked away saying I needed water and I most definitely zoned out, and I just didn’t want a rude behaviour like that to go by unapologetically.” I whispered out my words as my eyes left his and focused on my fingers that were playing with the rim of my half full glass.

“Hey I understand,” His comforting words whispered out his lips as his eyes raked my face, hoping to make eye contact. Giving him the opportunity to have my attention my face looked up with a smile.

“Meeting new people at times, especially friends, is a very anxious moment. You act different because you’re feeling different.” He concluded his words with a small smile on his lips.

Biting my lips a wider grin came on my face as I let a small chuckle pass my lips. Breaking eye contact for a moment I looked back at him.

“Thank you.” I simply said with my head sideways a bit and a genuine smile on my face.

I don't know how to explain it but his words had meaning to it that it's hard not to feel its effect on you. Our eyes still held each other's gaze as his face held a small comforting smile.

And now this is the part when he pulls you in for a kiss and says his stupid little girlfriend isn't his love but it's me and he was dating her to get over me.

I couldn’t help the stifled laughter that came out of my mouth. Covering my mouth with my hand I began to profusely apologise.

“I’m sorry I just remembered a memory from long ago,” I said, giggling at my thoughts and now at the memory.

“Is it a special one?” He asked a bit confused and a tad bit angry at me. Which I could understand. I began laughing like an idiot just at random.

“You tell me,” I said, laughing a bit. Taking in a deep breathe I steadied my laughter and looked back at him.

“I was 14 years old, in 10th grade and my mom was pregnant. Because of her pregnancy she would get these cravings of certain indian food from specific stores. So this particular day she got a severe craving for Chicken Biryani from the Indian store not too far from us. My father, mother, and my cousin sister who was living with us that year, picked me up from school. Now because of homework, obligations in clubs and home made my sleep schedule become really messed up, so this day I remember being awake till 3am and waking up at 6am to catch the 7am bus. Anyways in my sleep deprived state at the restaurant I made the mistake of drinking soda and since I would skip lunch to talk with my friends I was starving. I became so deliriously giddy like I saw this fork with three spikes and I went crazy. I began - I- oh..” I stopped with the story as my stomach began hurting from remembering that fork and the familiar delirious laughing feeling came back.

“Oh my god I can't, I just can’t.” I said covering my mouth as I continued laughing with tears in my eyes.

“I'm sorry. It's just I remembered how much the fork looked like a trident and I was imagining someone replacing the trident with the fork and how ridiculous it would be,” I said sniffling and wiping tears as I felt myself calming down.

“You don’t have to apologise. By any chance were you diagnosed with iron deficiency?” He asked casually.

“The very next day in fact.” I stated, looking at him with amazement but also just to admire him.

He was speaking about how he concluded that, and I smiled and nodded and added comments but none that I could remember. At this moment I was studying him. His eyebrows would furrow as she would make eye contact when he is stating facts from memory. When his eyes evaded mine his eyebrows would become less furrowed but his forehead would be a bit scrunched as he continued citing facts from memory.

His eyes would hold a glee to them as he shared his knowledge as he purposely tried to keep a normal tone to his voice but the pace he talks is giving away his excitement. And when I would say I read that work from that article or met the scientist behind that article his eyes would widen in surprise. His mouth would form a smile and he would ask me if I liked the scientist, the work, and any question he didn't have an answer to.

I truly couldn't look away from him. He was just so perfect in my eyes. My breath mimicked his as my face couldn’t stop the smile, the laughter, the giggle that would come out of it due to his comments, jab, or him apologising for possibly offending me due to his strong words against a person's theory.

“Hey guys, it’s dinner time.” Jennifer came to announce as she held a bottle of water in her hand.

I still sat on the couch letting the two other couples pass us slowly. Then I stood up and so did Spencer Reid.

“After you,” He said politely with a small smile.

I knew I should see him as a friend and I shouldn't do anything that would make things weird between us but the emptied glass of Cuba Libre gave me liquor and sugar courage. As I was walking in front of him I made sure to talk a bit fast for enough distance for me to pull my stunt. Fortunately for me he turned back to grab his phone that fell from his pocket so I quickly had the opportunity to “twist” my ankle. Letting out a small “Oh fuck” before I “limped” to a stool close to me. I placed my “right” leg a bit high on the stool making sure to cover it in order to keep the scene as innocent as possible before my whorish display.

“Y/N are you okay?” Spencer asked as he planted his tall body behind me. Both of his hands unconsciously ghosting my hips.

“Yea- I think I just twisted it a bit. Let me check.” My wavering and “oh so in pain” voice said.

He didn’t say anything but as I began slowly removing the slit of my dress I revealed my thighs and my bare legs to hom. I could hear Spencer take a deep breath in and as I grabbed my thighs in an effort to “massage” away the “pain” he let it out at a wavering pace. My body bent forward a bit more to reach my ankle and as I was reaching for my ankles my upper turned back a bit to look at the sunken eyes of Dr. Spencer Reid.

“Why don’t you go ahead and sit? I’ll be in shortly.” I said with a small smile on my face. I let my fingers knead at my flesh, to leave small marks of my hand behind. I was shamelessly displaying how easily I can be marked and I knew he was shamefully enjoying it.

“It’s okay, if something goes wrong it’ll be handy to have a doctor near by.” His joking words left his mouth breathlessly. Clearing his throat he came beside me and squatted in a position to get a closer look of my ankles.

“From here I don’t see any visible bruising or anything serious,” I stated my observation as I allowed him to inspect my legs.

“I agree,” He said as his eyes trailed my legs before making contact with mine, “Why don’t you try walking just to make sure.” He said with a firm close lipped smile.

“Good Idea Doctor Reid.” I teased back with a smile that he so dashingly reciprocated.

As I removed my right leg from the stool I planted weight on it. Looking at him I nodded as if to say it doesn’t hurt. Then I took a step with my left leg and sighed. Looking back at the Spencer who now was standing up, his hands in his pocket his eyes focused on what I am assuming is my leg but it could’ve been my back, my ass, my figure to be honest. Knowing I had his attention made my mind spin with confidence that boosted my ego. I felt like I could control his thoughts, his behaviour towards me.

“It’s not hurting,” I said with a sheepish smile to hide my own maleficent thoughts.

Stepping forward with my right leg with confidence, my eyes clouded with ego embarrassingly didn't see the elevated step in front of me. The front of my half of my feet were on the tile but the other half were in the air, in slow motion I felt myself beginning to fall back. My mouth took in a huge gasp of air to subdue the panic that fueled my widened eyes. My body felt cold in that second as I was falling backwards. But a familiar warmth surrounded me.

Spencer had planted half his body behind me. His left hand held on to my clothed left hip. Whilst, his right hands went around my waist and gripped my thighs. His hands held onto the flesh that was exposed. His hands were warm. They felt calloused but soft at the same time. His hands couldn't go around my thighs completely but they did cover half of it effortlessly making me conclude that this man behind me is feeding into my big hand kink.

“Are you alright Doctor?” He whispered in my left ear, in a low and comforting voice. He placed his face right on my left shoulders as he crouched to come at level with my ears.

I knew I shouldn’t turn my face, I knew that if I did it could be awkward. But I couldn’t help myself. Slowly I turned myself a bit. My eyes lowered on purpose so I could study his face slowly to savour how handsome he is before I look into those deep coffee hued eyes. Those eyes that I stare into right now held so much care in them but their dilated pupil looked so feral. Like a pool of good sex that will make my hips bruised and my throat raspy from shouting out

“I- um- I think so.” I admitted as I let out a breathless giggle to show my surprise at this turnout and to the thought that was running in mind.

The very thoughts that made his hands on my naked thighs much more prominent. I could mentally picture where each one of his fingers are, how long they are, and how thick they are.

Imagine his fingers, that are so damn close to my freshly shaven and now wet cunt, beginning to rub me through this dresses thin material.

Imagine him rubbing my sweet swollen clit with his fingers, allowing the shivers of pleasure derived from that one spot travel up my spine. Making me whine, moan, and arch against his figure.

Imagine one of his long fingers sliding over a little bit more of fabric of the dress and a little bit of the fabric of my slutty panties before pushing in his long finger. Making me feel full.

Imagine, my back arched as his finger is curled and set in a pace to make me cum, the only mission they seem to know.

Imagine staring into his eyes as his hands crept closer and closer to that one spot except….

I didn't have to imagine it was happening right now. And it wasn't creeping closer, it was slipping away. Clearing his throat Spencer removed his fingers from my thighs and hips.

“Excuse me, I have to go call my girlfriend, she said she will be joining us for dinner so I am just going to notify her.” He spoke without looking at me as he was facing down looking at his phone as he texted and walked away from me at the same time.

Damn. Did I take it too far?

Not knowing how to react to this I decided to just go to dinner. The commotion of utensils and people chatting were my guide to this villa of a house. At the table people sat down respective to the name cards that were placed on the huge oak table. A group of three waitering staff was apparently hired and would serve us our dinner.

“Y/N over here,” Said the sweet voice of Penelope Garcia.

“Hi again,” I said as I took a sit between Penelope and Luke.

“Sorry I switched out our seats, you can have it back anytime you want though,” she said kindly.

“No it’s okay. It’ll give me a chance to judge this one.” I whispered to Penelope as I eyed Luke’s figure behind me.

“Wait so I’m being scrutinised?” Luke said in disbelief as he had heard what I was saying to Penelope.

“Clearly we need to work on respecting others' privacy.” I said with a fake tone of seriousness.

“Agreed.” Penelope popped her head in and said.

“Second, that.” Added on Matt.

“Oh stay out of it.” Groaned poor Luke at everyone ganging up on him.

A small fit of laughter spread around the table. As everyone basked at the serenity and a sense of comfort in the air. A feeling that was perfect. A feeling that resembled a calm before the storm. Something deep in me clearly said that this sense of comfort is just a distraction from the true reality.

“Hey, where’s Spence?” Asked Jennifer who was seated next to her husband and Matt’s wife. She spoke as she gestured the two empty seats across from me directly.

“We’re right here,” He said as he walked in with a woman in his arms.

“Hello Everyone.” A quiet but loud enough voice said.

“Maeve!” Exclaimed Emily, Jennifer, Penelope, and Krystall as they basically jumped out of their chairs to go greet the woman.

And there’s the storm.

A/N: HAPPY NEW YEAR MY WHORES! I LOVE YOU ALL FOR THE LOVE AND SUPPORT AND FOR THE REBLOGGING! And yes in this Maeve doesn't die. We are pretending the bullet missed her because she like yanked her head back and was able to get away from the creepy killer. And to clarify this will not be, I repeat will not be a cheating trope, it's more complicated than that.

Next chapter is here

Taglist: @hopelessromantichopefulthinking @lovemesickly @liidiaaag @kodakmack @strangerintheblur @fairydresses @ohnojessica @ohnojessicaa @savi-0r because savi-02 doesnt exist

#Spencer reid x reader #spencer reid xreader #Dr. spencer reid x reader #Dr. spencer reid xreader #Spencer reid x y/n #Spencer reid x y/n smut #Spencer reid x female #Criminal Minds #Dr. spencer reid x reader smut #Spencer reid smut

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bllover4lif · 5 years

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About Me Tag

Special thanks to @chiefofpigs for tagging me!!

The rules are:

1. Tag the person who tagged you

2. Answer the questions

3. Tag 10 people

• How tall are you?

Last time I checked, 5′5 or 5′6.

And yet, I haven’t grown an inch. 😭😭😭😭😭

• What color and style is your hair?

My hair is a very very VERY dark brown hair, to the point where it looks completely black. For almost a year my hair has been in comb curls but now it’s in 2 stranded twists. Also when my hair is twisted, like it is now, if you look real close, you can see my natural brown highlights.

• What color are your eyes?

My eyes are the same color as my hair, brown but almost black looking.

• Do you wear glasses?

Yes. I’ve had cataracts since I was young, but was never confirmed until the 9th and 10th grade. I had the surgery done on the left one last year in February. And the other one will be done this summer!! Yes, that still means I need glasses.

• Do you wear braces?

No, and thank god I don’t. I don’t want to.

• What’s your fashion sense?

Um... (Laughs shyly) believe it or not, I’m not really sure. I have no real style.

It used to be matching colors. Now it’s more of a dark color scheme, with the few light colored clothes. I almost always wear shorts, pants, or capris. Also, I always wear tennis shoes. I never wear skirts, dresses or anything fancy unless its a special occasion (i.e. dresses for church or a wedding). I hate open-toed shoes, with the exception of wedges and gladiator sandals. And don’t even get me started on makeup. Mainly because I don’t know how to put it on. Also with my eyes, I’d be afraid of making it worse. I do have purses and cute bags though.

(Also, if you were to ask my mom, she would say I’m from ‘Grannyville’ due to not wanting to dress like how most other black girls my age I’ve seen walking around. LMFAO 😂😂😂😂😂)

• Full name?

Jude Asia Morgan

• When were you born?

December 23rd, 1999

And yet, I still feel so old. I wonder why?

• Where are you from and where do you live now?

I was born in Kenner, Louisiana. However, the majority of my family was born in New Orleans, LA. Currently, I live in Baton Rouge, LA.

• What school do you go to?

I am a freshman (about to be sophomore) at LSU (Louisiana State University),

• What kind of student are you?

I am a very quiet student who keeps to herself but warms up over time. For some reason, I fear people think I always look angry. I’m also the biggest procrastinator I know. And my mom always tells me not to do that. I stay up until 3 am or even later, even though 3 is my limit. And I always study for tests at the last minute (and for some reason, don’t always fail).

• Do you like school?

Yes. Especially college. I’ve never enjoyed it so much. With more freedom, why not?

• Favorite subject?

Mathematics, but I also love computer and technology subjects as well. I also love reading and writing classes (although my reading comprehension is horrible)

• Favorite TV show?

Don’t really have one. I rarely watch TV much nowadays. I do watch anime though if you count that. Some of my favorites is Cute High Earth Defense Club, Cute High Earth Defense Club Happy Kiss, Yuri on Ice, and Yona of the Dawn. But ultimately it depends on the genres. I love male sports, male idols, BL, reverse harems, adventure, action, comedy, and supernatural. They also need males leads and not many girls.

• Favorite Movie?

None really. I always fall asleep during a movie, except for a good few. My favorite maybe... Hidden Figures? And maybe The Martian?

• Favorite books?

Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle (currently reading)

Micheal Vey series by Richard Paul Evans

Maximum Ride series by James Patterson

Any book by John Green

The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton (#1 best book in the world, IMO)

*All in all, I am a huge bookworm. I love tons of books. I may start reading Harry Potter soon.

• Favorite pastime?

Well, let’s see. Naps, sleeping, cooking, naps, writing (recently), reading, naps, playing otomes, drawing 3d cubes (and sucking at it) and more naps!!

* Yes, I really love naps. 😂😂😂😂😂

• Do you have any regrets?

Not really. Maybe I wish I could have worked harder in middle and high school and then maybe I wouldn’t have gone through so much stress and depression at that time.

• Dream Job?

Something with math, like a teacher or an actuary. My ultimate goal is to have a masters or a doctorate in math so I can become a mathematician. Maybe something with computers and technology, like robotics or engineering. I also always wanted to be a chef. So at the moment, who knows?

• Would you ever like to be married?

Of course!! I have my whole future planned out.

• Would you like to have kids?

Yes.

• How many?

I want 5-6 boys and 1 girl.

• Do you like shopping?

Yes and no. It depends on what I’m shopping for. Books, yes. Food, yes (especially at Sam��s and Cosco due to the free samples). Clothes and shoes, I would if my mom wasn’t always complaining about what I choose there.

• What countries have you visited?

None. I have been to other states, such as Tennessee, Texas, Virginia (Washington DC) and a few other southern states. I do wish to travel to Japan, North and South Korea, Nordic countries, and Canada.

• Scariest nightmare you have ever had?

I would say either:

1. One where Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton visited my house and threw a party and wouldn’t leave nor let me leave (LMFAO)

2. One where I rode a bike holding a pillow and after waving to 2 of my older brothers, the bike went out of control and started falling and screaming to my death into this deep prison looking ravine (which caused me to fall out of bed)

3. One where I was inside Call of Duty: Black Ops and I was in this area overlooking another one filled with Nova 6. My head is very fuzzy about it, but someone drove a big truck and crashed causing Nova 6 to spread everywhere. Everyone started dying (I blame my brother for this dream). and I woke up crying.

* For those who’ve never played, Nova 6 is a deadly gas that kills anyone within 20 seconds of exposure. You have to have a special suit to walk around in, but if you took too much damage, your suit would crack and you would be exposed. Don’t worry. I don’t think it’s real.

Now that I’m looking, I would say most likely number 3. I can and l NEVER will forget such horror. 😭😭😭😭😭

• Any enemies?

No. Not that I know of. Maybe my older sister's cat?

• Any significant other?

Not at the moment. I did fall in love with my crush in my senior year of high school. We knew each other since 10th grade. He went to a different school run by the same principal as mine, and he would come over for certain classes. We met on a field trip through a friend, and we confessed on the last day for seniors to be at school. But we broke up days before my graduation, so not even 2 weeks. (Don’t worry. It was just because we didn’t know how to have a long-distance relationship while we were at different colleges and we didn’t want so much stress on us. I’m not upset at all. A little lonely, but not upset.)

We still talk though. I’m sure he still loves me and after college, we may get back together. Our families accepted us almost immediately, even though they never met us until our graduations. So to answer, yes and no. And currently, my friend from middle school and her family are trying to get me and my crush together. We both love each other so much, but it’s hard to confess our true feelings as we are both very shy. But they already know we are the perfect match.

• Do you believe in miracles?

No, not really. Things just happen.

• How are you?

Very very tired, and very very stressed. I’m going through my last 3 of 8 finals this week and I have to pack and move everything out the dorm by this Saturday. Being a college freshman (a sophomore in August) is a lot of work. But I feel pretty positive that my grades this semester will be much better than last semester.

Not to mention, now that it’s summer, I plan to post my very first Ikerev fanfiction!! Please look forward to it!! 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️

Also, I get to write more (Yay!!) and get more routes to play (Yay!!). I can take as many naps as I want. And I’ll be stress-free!! ... Until next semester when I move into my apartment and start school again. So honestly... I feel really chill. I love my life!! 😍😍😍😍😍😭😭😭😭😭

Tagging: @incorrectikerevquotes, @alloveroliver. @edgarbright, @alloveroliver-ash, @ikemenfics, @ikemensengokufandom, @ikemenrevolution, and whoever else wishes to do this. See you soon!! Bye bye!!

#about me

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dolcissima-diva-blog · 5 years

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Disney Workout Challenge, Day 1: Cinderella

@disneyworkoutchallenge

@apple-ofyour-eye *my weightloss blog*

First off, make an intro post for yourself! What are your goals in this challenge? Have you ever been to a Disney park? Which one would you like to go to? What’s your favorite Disney movie/character and why?

Hi! My name is Hayley, I am 26 years old and am an Arkansas native living in Virginia. I am a first year Doctor of Musical Arts student in Vocal Performance. My goals in this challenge are to help with my weightloss, work on building my workout stamina, and actually enjoy exercising and stay motivated!

I went to Disney World my senior year of high school with our band for a contest. It was a lot of fun, but I would love to go again for a better experience because I lost my wallet the first day of the trip and didn’t get to do a lot of the things I wanted to (Mainly eating at Epcot!).

My favorite Disney movie is between Aristocats and Tangled. As a kid, I would sit out on my swingset and quote the ENTIRETY of Aristocats. And I just love Tangled. However, my favorite Disney character would probably be Elsa from Frozen, because she’s the character I relate to the most.

And now, onto the workout!

I did everything to the best of my ability. I have exercise induced asthma as well as fibromyalgia, so sometimes hard workouts are difficult for me. I did a mile walk with my dog earlier today, and then did a mile on the elliptical (it’s easier on my lungs) at a 4.0 mph pace. Plus the calf raises and curtsy lunges.

Question of the day: When did you first have a crush on someone? What do you remember about those feelings? How have they changed as you’ve gotten older?

The first crush I remember having was in 4th grade. His name was Ryan, and I was madly in love with him all the way until about my Junior year of COLLEGE. We were best friends from 4-6 grade, and then 7-9 grade he HATED me because apparently my friends were bugging him about me and I didn’t know about it and he thought I had asked them to. We became friends again in 10th grade through band and football games, although it was always a “love-hate” relationship and mainly us being complete sassholes to eachother. After high school, we attempted to date multiple times but timing was never right and it just never worked out. I still talk to him from time to time, mainly playing games on PS4. I don’t really know how I feel about those feelings today, but I do notice that the guys I’ve been serious about are still in my life today. So I guess friendship is most important to me.

Fun activities to try:

✨ Clean something you’ve been meaning to and putting off

I literally cleaned my entire apartment today so.

#disney workout challenge #fitblr #workout #fitness #fit #healthy #health and fitness #disney #diet #weightloss #thin #skinny

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to-my-beloved-fandoms-blog · 7 years

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Tag 11

Rules: Answer the 11 questions the tagger sets, tag 11 people, and ask them 11 questions.

Tagged by the sweetheart and pure soul, @moonlight-lyrics <3 ( check her out!)

Your questions are :

1. What is something you find romantic?

Oh goodness, I am a softie and am kind of cheesy. I find simple dates romantic, like a good milkshake, movie, or just a walk at night in the park. I even love hand made gifts more. <3

2. What movie would you use to describe your life?

Oh god, I adore films.. This is a hard one for me. I would say.. it’s between Edward Scissorhands because I am my own Edward and that I was created but people see me as a freak and don’t understand me, so they blame me, but I create beautiful ( art) ice statues. Or Alice In Wonderland because I am always in my own little world and have a very... odd mind.

3. If you could invent a new flavor of ice cream, what would it be?

Ohhh~ I lovvvvee ice cream! So I would say... Earl Grey- Blackberry-sugar cookie flavor :)

4. What is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

When my now girlfriend, called me on the phone via facebook ( on the app) and asked me to be her girlfriend. We both cried like babies from all the feels. It was amazing and I can’t wait to be married to them one day. :) <3

5. Who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

This is a great question! I would say ether the 10th/11th Doctor and a letter saying they will take me and my girlfriend away in the Tardis. Or a letter from Cas, saying he is waiting for me outside in the impala with my girlfriend, and wants us to meet sam and dean, then go live in the bunker and finally get me away from my household..

6. Your idea of a perfect first date?

Oh! Mostly going anywhere but being able to really get to know the person. My fave is like a tea place, so you can have tea, eat and talk for hours on end, or a book store. :3 If not then a movie, short, sweet, and you get to be near each other.

7. What is your favorite cartoon character?

TO MANY TO COOOUNNNT. I will do my top five most recent ones I have seen to make it fair to my cartoon children. 1.) Steven Universe 2.) Jessica Rabbit 3.) Raven ( from TT, the original ) 4.) Princess BB 5.) Gumball :3

8. What is your favorite song at the moment??

Hushabye- Korn or LA Devotie- P!ATD <3

9. Most valued possession?

Does my girlfriends heart count? If not then I would say the plushie my girlfriend made me out of her old, fave, shirt ( it smells like her too, and I name the dog plush Jareth after The Goblin king c:)

10. What is your MBTI personality type?

It is one of the most rare ones! :D I am very proud of it too! I am a INFJ! :)

11. What would you want written on your tombstone?

I have thought about this a lot, I use to think I wouldn’t have one because I would have ( trigger warning here, suicide mentioned) , for years, killed myself or gotten killed by my bullies, and ended up in the woods or some trash bin, or even in the back lot of a motel from jumping off. annnyyywasss. I would have it now say something about how I helped people and to make people not give up hope and keep creating.

My questions:

1.) Would you rather Hogwarts or Wonderland be real?

2.) What age did you have your first crush?

3.) What type of style do you have? ( fashion wise)

4.) Fave book to read? If not, then movie?

5.) If you had two pills in front of you, one that is blue and can make you be able to forget a painful event, and another pill, a yellow one, that could make you bring anyone back from the dead, which would you choose and why?

6.) If you have to choose, are you a snake person or a shark person?

7.) Are you are full face makeup person or a no face makeup person?

8.) What character would you want to marry, be best friends with, and bring back from the dead?

9.) Are you a Doctor Who fan?

10.) What is your sexuality and when did you figure out you where that? ( if not out yet/ not comfy replying) Then do you support the LGBT+ community?

11.) Are you a Fall weather, hot cider, and haunted houses person?

Tags: @ EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO DO THIS! :D I will tag only a couple, I am so sorry for “breaking the rules”,@every-person-for-themselves @fandomlife-universe @trisscar368 @madlepus @tradigitalhollow

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starlettemagnechalastor · 5 years

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Mun’s history

I grew up in good ol’ Texas, despite being born in Virginia. My mom divorced my biological dad and move to Texas when I was 2, so I really have no memory or connection with my biological dad.

She married my stepdad when I was 5. We moved into his house, and for many years, I always thought I had a normal childhood...

Until I started therapy MANY years later.

Being coerced into thinking back made me realize how fucked the marriage was.

The fighting, the emotional and verbal abuse, the religious indoctrination..

The bullshit gender norms my stepdad tried to force on me.

Example: Women cannot wear hats.

So my mom and I wore caps and whatever hats we liked cause fuck him.

She was miserable in the relationship, they ALWAYS fought. Once, my mom told me he wanted a divorce because I was “too smart.”

I was 6.

And unconsciously, all the abuse of my dad (He often called my younger brother and I names, and would make us paranoid by scaring the shit out of us whenever he could. Once or twice? Fine. But don’t hide behind the walls all the time and jump out at us.), the worthlessness I felt because my religion taught me I was broken and filthy without Jesus (thanks grandma).

I admit, I attempted to take my life when I was 7. I tried to swallow a bottle of pills. We had a whole medicine cabinet and I was easily able to access the medicine. My brother caught on when I gave him my prized snow globe music box and told him I didn’t need it anymore.

My mom burst into my room as I opened the bottle.

She hid all medications and all sharp objects for months. But I wasn’t taken to a therapist.

No professional to help me.

10 years of age: One day, my mom snapped and attempted suicide by shooting herself with my dad’s gun. He tried to grab the gun, and a bullet fired. It hit her side and broke their bathroom sink. Police woke me up in the middle of the night, and my grandmother was there in tears.

Middle school: I was forced into a christian school, my mom was paranoid over gossip of the public middle school. And of course, when the ENTIRE class was questioned about their faith...I hesitated. Which made me an instant target for severe bullying. From people pretending to have romantic interest in me, to physically assaulting me. I kept it to myself for my entire middle school life, until the day they busted my bike, which was how I got home. And despite the school saying the damages would be covered and I’d get an apology letter, that never happened.

My mom moved me to a charter school.

The only significant memories I have of THAT gem was that they tried to get me to CHEAT on a TAKS test and that I was bullied for being a virgin.

I told my parents about the TAKS, they confronted the school staff...and they held me back.

So, repeating 10th grade in a public high school.

My mom, over the years, has been in and out of the hospital. Which meant my brother and I were in a house with a man who was emotionally constipated and constantly harassed, berated, and insulted his children.

But constantly reminded us about how he’s so great for marrying a woman with two children.

My mom, when she was home, had a lot of medical problems. She had a small spine, so they had to remove a part of her hip to normalize the length, she couldn’t breathe properly on her own, she had to have a nurse coming over to check on her often, she had a pacemaker, she ended up with diabetes, she had seizures that were mostly triggered by flashing lights, and she had to have certain medications injected.

This woman, my mother, was the one who got me into art, who ALWAYS supported me. I think she knew I was transgender before I did, she gave me my first short haircut that had my FAMILY, all except her brother, call me a dyke. She was always there for my lows, knew I had self-esteem issues, she bred my artistic side where I could be FREE.

12 years old, my uncle (the only other light of my life) got engaged to a pediatric nurse. Her name was Stephanie. They had a kid together already, his name was Aiden. Stephanie asked us to come to a family reunion to meet her family.

I didn’t see any red flags when I got there, but things started being weird when I met a few of the would-be cousins.

One man, who looked like he was in his 20s, was REALLY handsy with me. He even lifted my leg and SPANKED me while we were hanging out outside. REMINDER: I WAS 12 YEARS OLD AT THE TIME.

Then I met this kid named Matthew.

A monster in the making.

He wasn’t handsy, he was a chill guy. He was even invited to our house and we sat at the dining room table to watch videos.

THEN

And ONLY THEN

did he start groping me.

He went as far as shoving his hand down my pants.

And I was so confused, so disturbed and horrified, that I could only quietly cry and plead for him to stop.

I never told my parents, my grandparents, never told an adult.

I only told my brother when he brought Matthew over one day, many years later. I told him he was NEVER allowed in our house again, and my brother wholeheartedly agreed, thankfully.

And thank fuck I never had to see that jerk because someone blew the whistle on him to my parents. Someone caught him groping girl’s butts at the next family reunion.

Fast forward to 14 years of age

At the time, I didn’t know she had a drug abuse problem.

She was crushing medications she was to be taking orally, mixing them with water, and injecting them.

And I helped her do it, because I thought I was helping her get better.

I wanted her SO BADLY to get better.

I prayed so hard, being a devout christian.

I begged and PLEADED for her to get better so I could have my mom back, so we could be TOGETHER again. To have her bright smile and shitty ass jokes (After my mom came home from the attempted suicide, she would always joke about how she should’ve shot herself while holding a toy gun. Or called gangsters wimps for limping after getting shot. She was weird :) And I loved that about her), I just wanted my mom.

I was only a young teen, and I was starting to figure out my gender identity. I couldn’t go to my dad, I didn’t trust him like I trusted her.

I visited her constantly, she tried to teach me more about coloring and encouraged me to practice singing. She was my teacher ^^ And because of her, I clung to teachers and befriended them. My art teachers LOVED me, they did all they could to protect me from bullies that would throw erasers at me, ruin my projects, and draw on my posters. I loved all my teachers, they were kind and understanding and helped me get through the years while my mom was unable to.

My mom gave me all the love and support I could ever wish for. She never required me to be one way, but told me no matter if I was an atheist, satanist, if I was gay or straight, NO MATTER THE CHANGE, she would ALWAYS love me.

And it scared me when she ended up with a staph infection in her heart.

The surgery went well, she managed to recover. Doctors removed the infected valve with a pig’s valve. She came home, and I stuck by her side.

I’d sneak in cigarettes when she asked.

And..my dad tried to turn me against my own mom with texts that I had no context to go by.

I can’t really remember the texts, but I remember feeling devastated. But I still did ANYTHING she asked.

...I lost her when I was 16.

The staph infection was back. She only had a 10% chance of surviving another surgery.

My dad had to explain that to me, so I skipped school that day, December 8 of 2011, to be with her on her last day.

She wasn’t conscious.

I remember sitting there numbly, not really paying attention to the tv in the room. My dad was in and out, as well as some nurses.

One by one, my great aunts, my second cousins, and my grandmother came to say their goodbyes.

I overheard the nurse tell my dad that once they unplugged the machines, she would be dead.

But I think she was dead long before that. Brain dead. Her heart was pumping, but she wasn’t there.

I broke down once my grandma told her sister that, after the nurse had unplugged the machine and left us alone, that she was gone.

I could hear my second cousin break down too. He only got support from my mom, turns out he was disowned for being gay and my mom still treated him like a human being when nobody else would. It made me realize how much of a positive impact she was on the family, and we lost it.

My school offered therapy, which I accepted. My therapist was sweet, she brought me snacks and she reminded me a lot of my mom with her tone and attitude. She helped me realize it wasn’t my fault my mom died, because I completely blamed myself.

I know now that it was due to her drug abuse, that the needles she used caused the infection.

But I didn’t know fully at the time. So when I did, I figured it was my fault. I helped her inject medicine she wasn’t supposed to, helped her with her abuse.

My dad pulled me out of therapy because he said I didn’t need it.

And in that SAME MONTH, when he found out I was considering cutting myself, he said, “If you’re gunna cut, do it right.”

Father of the year anyone?

Fast forward to her funeral.

Open casket. The last time I ever saw my mom in person.

My uncle, my mother’s only brother, sang a song in her honor. He was 27, a musician, and already had a son. Unfortunately, he too was a drug abuser.

I don’t blame him or my mom for their abuse, they hardly had a good foundation. My grandmother didn’t raise them. She was a horrible, vindictive, and petty person. She ignored her children in favor of strange men. My mom had to raise her little baby brother, and my mom had to deal with a woman who burned her clothes, broke her rock cds, and slashed her tires. Because Jesus.

I grew more attached to my uncle after my mom passed, he was the only other positive influence in my life. He was an amazing artist, he was like my mom in a lot of ways. He called me Nikki Six and laughed at my shitty jokes, he cried to me when my grandmother berated and insulted him or treated him like crap.

We were open with each other. He wanted to join the military, be a role model for his one year old son, Aiden. I still have the video where he sang an original song, Thumb Sucking Blues, while my little cousin tried to play along with him :) He was a small little guy, but literally had his thumb in his mouth the whole time :P

Aiden LOVED his dad.

But because of his fiance’s drug use, he was taken from them. My mom was still alive when that happened, and we had supervised visitation with my cousin.

My uncle went to rehab to get clean, yet my grandmother continued to berate and degrade him.I supported him. I wanted him to be back home with US. My brother and I.

During this time...I got a phone call that terrified me.

My biological dad called me.

And I panicked; I didn’t KNOW him, he was NEVER in my life, and after a few months of talking and TRYING to get to know him, he vanished.

Turns out he’s been hiding for years to avoid paying child support.

But I wasn’t too hurt he abandoned me again. All we did was talk about anime we liked. I probably got my love of anime from him to be honest :P

My uncle eventually returned home, and all seemed great. He was a good father to his son, he got him back after his rehab (which I later found out it did fuck all for him because it was just another fucking church)

July 4th, 2012. I got a call from my grandmother because I was too tired to do fireworks that night.

Police had found my uncle’s body in an alley way.

He died of overdose, according to autopsy.

SIX MONTHS after losing one person who supported me, I lost the other.

He was cremated and my grandmother kept his ashes.

I was deist at the time, but I kept his bible, guitar picks, and the crappy religious coins he got from the “rehab.”

I have both my mom’s and my uncle’s bibles.

I..fell into a hard ass depression. I kept reliving the moment my mom died, the moment I heard about my uncle, I...saw his body after the autopsy. Of course, they covered it mostly, but it still hurt SO much to see him lifeless.

I graduated high school and immediately went to college, just trying to get through the shit. I just...didn’t care anymore. I lost the only two people that supported me. Both lights, my artistic inspirations, my TRUE FAMILY, gone.

My brother moved in with our grandmother, he was fed up with dad’s abuse. I..was too blind to see how abusive he was.

I took computer classes, he told me I should because it pays well. I personally found it fascinating on learning how to troubleshoot desktops, but programming was NOT my thing. I hated it.

I actually wanted to go into art, be an artist like my mom.

My dad?

“It’s not a REAL JOB.”

He shot down my passion for YEARS. I started college in 2014.

After nearly a year of computer classes, I was convinced to switch my major to education because I’m good with kids.

Because to my dad, good with kids = I want to be a teacher.

Kids just like me, I’m not sure why. My cousin loved me, and my cousin on my DAD’S side of the family loved me. I had patience and kindness to kids, they’re little beans that just need guidance. I don’t snap, I DEFINITELY don’t lay a HAND on a child as discipline.

So, I went into education like he said. I was just...a robot. Too scared to pursue what I wanted to do.

But there was a shining light; the Coalition club on my campus. A Gay/Straight alliance club! I ended up as their secretary, designed stickers, kept schedules, and I met SO many amazing people in that club. I felt welcomed, I felt SAFE, I could be OPEN about my gender with them, since I was too scared to say anything to my dad.

When he found out I was involved with the group, he got pissed. He’d constantly pick fights with me about how I’m focusing too much on the group and failing my classes.

Funny thing; I had As and Bs on ALL my courses.

Pretty sure that’s passing.

But..he kinda bred me to be unable to handle confrontation well. Whenever someone yells at me or talks in a strict tone, I start to cry.

So he’d always make me a sobbing mess nearly every day.

I locked myself in my room constantly.

I had to quit asking him to take me to HEB for me to buy groceries because I couldn’t STAND him. I was too scared to be alone with him for ANY reason. I felt like he’d find something to make me cry and ruin my day, so..I would walk to a corner store to buy easy mac, eggs, bacon, maybe some frozen pizza if I could afford it. Most of my meals were pasta-related, it was cheaper than most items. Corner store pricing and all that ^^;

I got a job in the work-study program as an AVID Tutor. Which helps students with their work from other classes. The students instantly clung to me, being the youngest teacher.

That job didn’t last long ;v; Apparently a button up shirt and a long black skirt wasn’t teacher apparel??? I wore dress pants too, I fit the “female gender role.” But I was fired for not dressing professionally.

I ended up working at a subway in a flea market, and everyone was SO SWEET! They were fine with my gender, and I was even defended by a rides worker when a customer complained about me using the restroom.

I was deadass exhausted though.

My dad forced me to do MAX college hours

While I also balanced a job.

The stress was KILLING me, but locking myself in my room where I could draw?

Being in a group that loved and accepted me?

It made life bearable.

But my dad eventually started getting after me about my job, that he DIDN’T consider a job because it was only on the weekends that it was open.

He started getting more aggressive with his fights. I would literally just WALK IN THE DOOR from work, exhausted because I have panic attacks (I had no idea I had panic disorder at the time), and he’d start fights about something.

Be it because I was atheist or that he was pissed I was STILL in college (He’s a college dropout so I just think “.________________________. boi.”)

A few months into 2016, I came out to my grandmother and my dad about being transgender.

My grandmother’s response? “You’re not transgender, you’re just fat!”

My dad? He didn’t really get it. He had to learn from his girlfriend because he sure as fuck didn’t listen to me when I explained it.

And he’d constantly ask about it, which didn’t bother me too much because I figured he was still confused.

Then he started to dead name me.

MY ENTIRE LIFE, I was ALWAYS referred to with a gender neutral nickname. NEVER my first because I never liked my name. I hated it. I used to be called Nikki, now I just go by Nick or Nicholas :) Cause I love that name.

HE.

In front of his LGBTQ+ friendly girlfriend.

referred to me with my FULL NAME.

And he did this TWICE.

I was too afraid to confront him, but his gf sure as fuck wasn’t. She was PISSED.

She put an end to that.

But things got worse after I sought out therapy to see if I qualified for HRT, Hormone Replacement Therapy.

And I did.

My dad only got more angry when he saw the letter from my therapist saying I had Gender Dysphoria and that he recommend I take HRT.

He would, from then on,, badger me about my clothes, claiming it’s what 12 year old boys wear.

Despite I paid the internet bill AND his cable bill, he’d get after me for unwinding by playing games.

He spent a fuck ton of money on a new mustang to tinker with to make a drag race car, but not a new air conditioning system for a 50+ year old house with no insulation. So while he was away, and the temperatures rose (It’s texas, it’s ALWAYS hot), I was sweating and trying to keep cool with ice packs and frozen towels. But none of THAT mattered, because I’m irresponsible for playing video games after all my work was completed.

I didn’t tell him I was starting a youtube channel in an attempt to bring in extra money, because I was only paid a little over 120 a week.

But he’s bitch about pretty much EVERY aspect of me.

But I kept quiet, kept food in my room because I was too scared to leave my safe space in fear of him insulting me further.

I literally asked for help on hiding food online.

After 2 more years of college, I got my associate’s in education and moved onto university for my bachelor’s.

I still didn’t want the major. But I didn’t really feel like I had a choice.

But this class I took, Child/Adolescent development, helped me realize how HORRIBLE and ABUSIVE my dad is.

I learned in that class about emotional and verbal abuse, and the effects it had on children and adults.

I began to stand up for myself, I’d argue back with my dad instead of letting him verbally abuse me with no repercussions.

Anything I said?

“Liberal Propaganda”

“Well, I put my religion first”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I thank my government teacher to this day for giving me the backbone I needed. She is a headstrong woman, refuses to be referred to as Miss, but prefers “Professor.” She had a PHD and she was passionate about her job and about human rights.

It became a much more hostile home after I started fighting back.

He would challenge my moral compass, “An atheist should have no problem lying.”

He’d pick on my gender identity and choice of fashion, “You’re trying too hard to be transgender.”

And anytime I went to houston to see my brother and cousin? My grandmother made it worse. She’d pick on my hair, call me a devil worshiper, insult my weight (This woman forced me to eat more when I was on a diet, but I never called her out on it), she was as bad as my dad to where my brother took me to the mall to avoid any further argument.

In late 2017, my dad tried to pick on me in front of his friend, Bobby. Bobby was a long-time family friend, I grew up with his kids. He knew me since I was a child.

And his friend was NOT impressed with my dad, and HE accepted my gender and even tried to explain what he was doing was being a dickhead.

He didn’t listen.

It went on like that until early 2018.

He called me out of my room and, once again, picked a fight with me because I’m part of an LGBTQ+ group, still in college, same bullshit.

But this time, he told me to pack up and leave, that I had two weeks to move.

I panicked.

I didn’t have the funds to move into an apartment with my current job.

I thought I was going to be homeless.

I called one of my friends in tears, and he asked his mother if I could take refuge there.

For a bit of context: I used to date him and I’ve met his family. His family had me over for the holidays, and kept me there for christmas eve and christmas day after I told my friend my dad BANNED me from celebrating the holidays with him because I’m an atheist.

And BOY was she PISSED. And his mom? Veteran Including his dad. BOTH are hard veterans that firmly believe in families sticking together.

So the kicking me out?

It REALLY blew their gaskets.

They told me to pack all I needed and that they’d be there in two weeks.

Later that week, my dad apologized and said it was cruel to do that, but...

I couldn’t stay.

I couldn’t do it anymore.

I was tired of living in FEAR, you shouldn’t be hiding food in your room to eat because you’re too scared to come out.

I told him I was leaving.

And what pissed me off? He tried to play VICTIM.

I moved out, and unfortunately had to quit my job because transportation issues. Ubers didn’t reach out this far and even if they did, it’d be like 30 bucks a trip.

With my wage? WHEEZE. Nope.

But a lady at the flea market gave me boxes and duct tape when I was packing to leave, just so I had places to put my stuff in. :)

I started counseling at A&M not too long after I moved into my new temporary home (I say as I’ve been here for nearly a YEAR ;-; and I feel bad but they’ve not kicked me out soooo....yay?)

And after a few session, my counselor told me to seek long term treatment, and she was helping me break free of my fear of asking for help and it’s thanks to her that I got to pursue the major of my dreams! I’m so thankful that I went to see her, because I went as SOON as I could to a medical clinic to talk to a psychiatrist.

I was diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar disorder, and Panic disorder.

I was prescribed medication.

And little by little, I was getting better.

I had already had my Bendice tumblr for a while and the more I drew, the better I felt.

And the artist community?

It’s been AMAZING!

I’ve meet so many AMAZING people, from great friends to my art senpais. I’ve been getting better and better at honing my skills, and I feel like I really can be an animator someday.

Now, people are probably wondering why I dumped all this out.

Well...I know I’m not alone, but others might feel how I used to.

Isolated

So very Hurt

Alone

And miserable.

I don’t want pity, I don’t want “there there”, I want to show people that might be feeling alone that they aren’t. That someone suffered just like them.

Be it for being gay

Transgender

Depressed

An artist

No matter the “why,’ all pain here is equal.

It’s not insignificant.

YOU aren’t Insignificant.

All the pain and suffering we’ve all endured?

Is valid.

And we’re not pussies or wimps for feeling hurt.

And we’re not alone.

Thank you to those who read my entire shit storm ^^; I’ll admit I cried while writing this, but I feel good now!

I hope my words and my story inspire someone out there to take the steps they need to better themselves, to escape toxic environments.

Because that shit SUCKS.

#Personal shit #(OOC) 𝑂𝑓𝑓 𝑡𝘩𝑒 𝐴𝑖𝑟 #tw negative thoughts #cw negativity #cw abuse #tw:death #tw drug abuse #tw suicide #LONG ASS POST #Sorry #Read at your own risk

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