#12:05 is when i’ll get there. which mind you is an hour and five minutes AFTER the RESCHEDULED pickup time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hangovercurse · 3 years

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Why Are You Here?

What happens when Y/N and Colson catch each other in a lie? And what could possibly happen on the bathroom counter at 12:05 am?

Colson x Reader

Warnings: Smut (18+), unprotected sex, cursing, probably some more idek.

A/N: I know people have done this before, but I fuckin love this song and this plotline

Word Count: 3444

The harsh light coming through the blinds woke you up, your eyes instinctively closing. You groaned as you came to realize where you were, the arm laying on your hips your first clue. You threw the tattooed arm off of you, sitting up and dangling your feet over the edge of the bed.

The man in your bed groaned, reaching out for you. You chuckled, finding the shirt you wore last night on the floor and throwing it on, pulling your panties up your legs. “C’mon Colson, it’s 10:45, you know the rule.”

He grumbled again, rolling onto his back. “The rule says I still have 15 minutes.” His arm reached up to cover his eyes from the light as you chucked his shirt at him.

“If you want to walk out of my house naked, be my guest. But if you’re still in here after 11 the deal’s off.” You walk into the bathroom, taking a look at yourself in the mirror. You hear the blond man follow behind you, seeing him in the reflection. He had his boxers on, which was a start at least.

He came behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist and dipping his head to connect his lips to your neck. “So,” he started, pressing a kiss to the skin, “I’m not gonna-“ another kiss, your eyes closed, “be in town-“ you let a small moan fall from your lips, “tonight.” His lips paused at your ear, his hot breath hitting the sensitive skin. “So, I guess you’ll have to find some way to entertain yourself.” He smirked, making eye contact with you in the mirror.

You smiled, your eyes darting to the watch on his wrist. “7 minutes.” You whispered, walking out of his arms and back towards your bedroom. “I’ll probably just stay in again tonight, without you this time.”

You sat on your bed, watching him struggle to pull his jeans up. You giggled as he searched for the shirt he wore the night before, finding it hanging from your lamp. “I’ll see you tomorrow night then?” He asked, walking over to you.

“If you’re lucky.” You grinned. He leaned down, pressing a kiss to your lips, and letting you go with a smirk. “2 minutes.” You whispered. He chuckled, leaning in to kiss you again. You wrapped your arms around his neck, standing up.

He let go, biting his lip and walking backwards towards your door. “Tomorrow night. My place.”

You nodded, a small smile on your face as he turned, his shirt still in his hand. You watched the way his back moved as he strutted out of your room, the toned muscles accentuated at every step.

Hours later, you got a text from Matt, better known as blackbear.

Friend of mine is throwing a party tonight. Come with?

You and bear had been friends for a couple months now, meeting, surprisingly, through Colson. You were just friends, but you loved partying with him. He was fun. And if Colson couldn’t be with you tonight, maybe he could be.

Yeah! When and where?

He answered quickly.

Pick you up at 10

It was 8:30, so you decided you could start getting ready. You went to your closet, looking at the pieces in there. The first thing your eyes landed on was an elegant white 3-piece lingerie set. It had lace designs all over it and straps for days. It was your favorite piece of lingerie you owned, and Colson’s favorite too.

Your finger ran along it, your head tilting. What would be the harm in wearing it? You’d feel sexy as hell.

So, you did. You hid it underneath an oversized T-shirt and baggy jeans, high heeled combat boots and a chain belt to match. You knew bear’s friends weren’t the fancy party types.

You walked into the house, the smell of weed and alcohol hitting you immediately. You intertwined your fingers with bear’s, his eyes glancing up at you, questioning you. You ignored it, dragging him through the crowd to the makeshift bar set up in the kitchen.

You downed two shots before grabbing a vodka sprite cocktail. Bear followed suit, dragging you to the middle of the crowd to dance. His hands grabbed your waist, you both swaying to the music and laughing at nothing.

Unbeknownst to you, Colson had walked in a few minutes later, hand in hand with a girl who looked a lot like you. He spotted you almost immediately, and then he saw the hands around your waist and the drunken smile on your face. He was so busted if you saw him.

“Want a drink?” He half-yelled over the music to the girl next to him.

She shrugged, “I don’t really drink.” Colson tried to keep his shoulders from visibly slumping. He nodded, grabbing the girl’s hand, and leading her to the opposite side of the dance floor as you.

He was hoping that going out with someone that wasn’t you would help him let go of you, but this girl was not gonna be the one to do that. Luckily, he ran into Rook and Dub, both raising their eyebrows at the girl on his side.

Rook and Dub introduced themselves to the girl, who looked like she would rather be anywhere but here.

You and bear decided to take a break from dancing and headed to the wall, wanting to just talk. As you leaned against the concrete, your eyes caught a familiar face. You tilted your head, taking in the blond man that had woken up in your bed this morning. You chuckled, shaking your head before you saw the girl on his arm, stopping you dead in your tracks.

“What’s up?” bear asked, leaning over you with his hand supporting his weight.

“Nothing, just saw someone I wasn’t expecting.”

Bear nodded, turning his head to follow your gaze, still stuck on Colson. “You and Colson?”

You laughed, trying to hide the jealousy running through your veins. “Hell no.” You stood up straight, your faces very close to each other. “I’m gonna go get a drink, you want anything?”

Your noses were almost touching, which seemed to stun bear, as he was holding his breath. You stepped back, waiting for his answer. “Uh- no. I’m good.”

You bit your lip, heading towards the bar and closer to Colson and his arm candy. If he wants to bring other people around, then why not have a little fun.

Colson watched your interaction with bear, saw how close you got to him, how the man instinctively leaned in closer to you. His jaw clenched at the sight, eyes darkening.

“Dude, you good?” Dub asked, bringing his attention back to the conversation in front of him.

Colson nodded, trying to get the picture of you and bear out of his head. “Yeah, I’m good.”

The girl on his arm rolled her eyes and sighed. “This party is fucking stupid, let’s leave and go do something fun.” She whispered the last part in his ear, trying to turn him on. Colson was too distracted by you at the bar, chatting up the bartender, knowing he was watching.

“You can leave.” He mumbled to the girl; his gaze held on you. She scoffed and rolled her eyes, walking away from him. As she left, you turned to catch his eye, a smirk on your face. You were definitely doing this on purpose, the way you placed your tits to lay on top of the bar, a smirk on your face as you spoke to the bartender.

Rook laughed as the girl left, “Colson, are you sure you’re good, man.”

Colson brushed his concern off, “Yeah, I’m gonna go take a smoke.” He headed off towards the back door, pulling a joint and lighter from his pocket.

You looked over your shoulder, expecting to see Colson still staring at you, only to find him and his girl gone. You sighed, picking up your drink and heading back over to bear, who was waiting on the wall for you.

“Sorry, the bartender’s an idiot. He screwed up my drink twice.” You lied through your teeth, your free hand reaching up and resting lazily on bear’s neck. You were definitely a little drunk, but only enough to make everything around you a little euphoric.

“It’s all good.” The man leaned down, face very close to yours. He was definitely trying to kiss you. And honestly if Colson hadn’t been there you would’ve let him. But you had another target for the night.

You smirked, “let’s dance.” You grabbed his arm, pulling away from him and leading to the dance floor. You glanced at the clock, reading the numbers 11:35.

Colson came back 20 minutes later in a much better state of mind. If you were trying to make him jealous, it meant you wanted him to take you home, not the other guys you were with. But boy oh boy was it working.

He leaned against the counter, getting a cup of straight rum. You had strategically placed yourself on the outer edge of the crowd closest to the bar. He could see you swaying your hips to the music, bear’s hands dangerously close to your ass.

You looked up, catching his eye and smirking. You glanced up at the clock on the wall. 12 am. Midnight.

Finding his eyes again, you mouthed “Five minutes. Bathroom.”

Colson smirked, knowing he was right.

A few minutes later you told bear, “I gotta pee, be right back,” before heading towards the hallway, passing Colson. His eyes watched you, feeling like he was watching you in slow motion. He stood up straight and followed you to the hallway.

You had disappeared into the bathroom by the time he rounded the corner, so he had to try every door to find the bathroom.

When he found you, your clothes were off, leaving you in just your white lingerie. He bit his lip, eyes raking your body up and down. You were leaning against the wall opposite of the door, watching him through your eyelashes.

Colson locked the door, taking slow, calculated steps towards you. His left arm landed on the wall above you, his face leaning into yours. The pointer finger on his right hand traced the lace that covered your upper body, landing on the garter that wrapped around your thigh. He smirked, pulling the fabric away from your body and releasing it, the material meeting your skin with a pop.

“You didn’t know I was coming tonight.” His voice was low, his face dangerously close to yours. You could feel his breath hitting your lips and you wanted to swallow his words.

You shook your head as the hand near your thigh moved up to your hip, gripping the skin tightly and pulling your body into his. “Then why,” he breathed, his head dipping down to run his nose up and down your neck, stopping at your ear, “are you wearing that?”

You breathed in through your nose as you felt his dick through his tight pants, spreading a warmth through your body. You could already tell you were soaking. “Maybe I was hoping to find someone who could fuck me as good as you do.” You whispered into his ear as his lips made contact with your neck, biting the supple skin.

He pushed his hips up into you, his hard on pressing even harder against you. “You know you won’t ever find anyone else as good as me.” He growled, pushing away from you, and throwing his shirt off, his jeans coming off shortly after.

His hand came back to your skin, this time grabbing your breasts and massaging through the thin material. His other hand dragged its way down to your clothed pussy, massaging circles against your clit. You bucked your hips into his hand, moaning a quiet “I know.”

He chuckled, his face moving in front of yours as you bit your lips, trying to keep your moans of pleasure quiet. “Don’t be quiet baby, I want everyone to know how good you feel.” His lips met yours in a rough kiss. You brought your arms around his waist, nails dragging lightly across the skin. He smirked into the kiss as his hands moved to unclasp the top two pieces of your lingerie.

Your breasts fell out, and Colson wasted no time in grabbing them in his hands, taking the small buds in between his fingers and squeezing. His lips left yours and attached to your nipples, biting and sucking, leaving an array of hickeys across the skin. You moaned at the feeling of his tongue circling your nipple. “Always love sucking your tits.” He moaned, sending vibrations through your body.

He moved further down, reaching the top of your white panties. He bit his lip as he unclasped the material separating the panties from the garter. He pulled the former down, leaving your pussy exposed. His face was inches from your heat, and you fought the temptation to buck your hips into him. Colson’s eyes were trained on yours as he blew a stream of cold air at your clit. You rolled your head back, resting against the wall as you sighed in pleasure.

His lips connected to your clit, sucking the sensitive bud, sending flashes of pleasure through your body. Your hands tangled in his hair, pushing him further into you. You could feel him smile against your cunt, his arms wrapping around your thighs and pulling them over his shoulders one at a time.

With the easier access to your heat, Colson licked up your slit with a moan. “Fuck you taste so good.” He muttered, before darting his tongue into your pussy. He curled his tongue inside you, your body reacting to the feeling.

His hands moved up to your ass, squeezing and massaging your cheeks as he continued his attack on your cunt. You moaned, you hips rocking against his face as he ate you out. Your hands tightened in his hair, “Colson, I’m so fucking close.”

The man smirked against you, his tongue in your hole and his nose pressing against your clit. You could feel yourself nearing the edge, your hips bucking into his face as his pace sped up. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” You were so close.

“Want you to come on my face baby.” His voice sent you over the edge and you obeyed, your orgasm ripping through your body.

Your juices ran down Colson’s chin as he licked you up, a smirk playing on his lips. You moved your thighs off his shoulders, letting him stand up. Your hand reached up, wiping the cum off his chin with your thumb and then sucking it off, staring straight into his eyes as you did.

“Think you can take another one, angel?” His voice was soft but you could see the outline of his hard cock in his boxers. You nodded, biting your lip cheekily. Colson lifted you up and onto the bathroom counter then pulled the last bit of clothing off himself.

You took his length in your hands, pumping a few times. His head rolled back in pleasure at your movements as you relished the feeling of having him in the palm of your hand, figuratively and literally. His head came back up, connecting your lips as you continued to pump him.

He brought your lip in between his teeth as you lined his cock up to your entrance, teasing him with your slit. He smirked, knowing you thought you were in control, a thought that disappeared when he thrust into you, his length filling you up.

You both let out a string of moans, your legs wrapping around his waist. He pulled out of you almost completely before slamming back into you, causing another moan to fall from your mouth. Colson continued to slowly thrust into you, until you muttered, “Just fuck me already, Colson.”

His lips were at your neck again, leaving marks anywhere he could find room. He obeyed your command, picking up his pace but still slamming into you forcefully. His hand reached to your tit, grabbing the skin, and massaging it.

“Harder.” You whined and he smirked.

“You’re gonna have to do better than that, baby.” He growled against your skin. “You know how to beg.”

“Oh fuck, Colson, please. Fuck me harder.” You whined, his pace not changing.

“Even better.” He was gonna make you work for this.

“Please, sir, fuck me hard like the slut I am.” You begged, your eyes closing in pleasure as his pace sped up, his cock hitting the spot that had your toes curling.

He could feel you clench around him, “You like that, you fucking whore?” He kept thrusting into you, hitting that same spot. “You like it when I fill you up with my fat cock”

His hand came up to wrap around your throat, pressing just lightly enough to stimulate you further. You nodded, eyes rolling back in pleasure as you felt yourself getting closer to your second orgasm of the night.

“I can feel you getting closer, you want to cum around my cock?” You hummed out, nodding your head. He removed his hand from your neck. “Use your words.”

His thrusts were getting faster and sloppier, and you knew he was close. “Yes sir, wanna come around your big, fat cock.” You whined as his dick twitched inside you. His hand moved to massage circles into your clit, driving you right to the edge.

“Then cum, slut.” His thrusts sent you into bliss, warmth spreading through your entire body as your pussy clenched around him, his hot seed spilling into you. He dragged your orgasms out as long as he could, thrusting sloppily into you.

When he stopped, you were both breathing heavily, your head resting against the mirror behind you and his on your bare chest. When he finally got his bearings, he reached for the box of tissues on the counter, cleaning up himself and then you.

As you hopped off the counter, pulling your top back on, you looked at him, head tilted. “So, what happened to your plans out of town?”

The man in front of you paused as he pulled his pants up. “I didn’t know how to tell you that I was going on a date.” He answered truthfully.

You looked down, his answer disappointing you. “Oh. How did it go?”

He chuckled, giving you an “are you serious?” look. “She left and I ended up fucking you in the bathroom of some dude’s house.”

You nodded your head. “I thought you were gonna stay home tonight?” He asked, eyebrow raised.

“I was.” You paused, pulling your shirt over you. “bear invited me out after you left so, here I am.” You shrugged.

He struggled with his pants, “Was it a date?”

You shook your head, pulling your own jeans up your legs. “Maybe he thought it was, I dunno. Just wanted to have some fun.”

“And you wore that because…” Colson trailed off, expecting an answer.

“In case I had fun.” You bit you lip, a smug look on your face. “You’re not mad that I went out tonight, are you?” You secretly hoped he would say yes.

“No, you can do whatever you want. You don’t need my permission to fuck other people.” Colson’s shirt covered his tattoos as he shrugged it on. “You don’t care that I went on a date tonight, do you?”

Yeah, I really do. ��No, I don’t care.” You shrugged, moving to the mirror to fix your hair and makeup. “Just tell me when it gets serious so I can find someone else…” You trailed off, knowing that sentence wouldn’t end the way you wanted to say it.

Colson nodded, making eye contact with you in the mirror. You giggled, grabbing a tissue, and facing him. “You have lipstick on your nose.” You wiped it off as well as the smudges near his lips. Your hand stayed close to his lips, holding his face. Every bone in your body told you to kiss him for real, but you knew he wouldn’t kiss you back.

But he was thinking the same thing. He tried to laugh it off before he actually did kiss you and mess up what you had going on.

“So, we’re all good then, still just friends with benefits?” He asked as he turned back towards the mirror, fixing his hair.

You smirked at him, “Oh, Colson, we’ll never be friends.” You grinned as you walked out of the room, leaving the door to close behind you.

#mgk #mgk imagine #mgk angst #mgk smut #machine gun kelly #machine gun kelly imagine #machine gun kelly smut #Colson baker #colson x reader #colson baker imagine #colson baker angst #colson baker smut

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onceuponaloonatic · 3 years

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hehe a little follow up to what i posted yesterday because i know your all curious :)

tw: abuse, jail, cursing, etc...

After her labor, Sana is exhausted. She wonders how people do this more than once and briefly wonders how her own mother had given birth to her. Sana had been an even longer labor than Nico was, her Aunt had told her her mother was in labor with her for more than thirty six hours. Sana had no idea how she was able to even get through that.

Her mother. Sana hadn’t thought about her in a while. The thought usually associated with Sana’s parents briefly crossed her mind. When were they getting out? The release date initially set for her parents had been very tentative, but Sana remembers it was still about five years from now. That was a bit scary. In five years her parents would be free again, for the first time since she was a scared teenager. She had sent them three letters over the years. Once when she got into college, a second when decided to major in physics, and a third right before graduation where she gushed about Mina and Jihyo. She never had the courage to go visit them. She supposed she might have if any of her letters had ever been returned, but Sana had long given up the hope of a return letter. It had been nearly twenty years, she wasn’t even sure if her parents even remembered those letters anymore. Mina and Jihyo interrupt her thoughts before she can think about her parents too much. They are both worried about her, asking her if she needs anything or if there was anything they could do for her. They tell her all of their friends were crowded around the window with all the newborns trying desperately to see their baby and probably making a huge scene and that makes Sana laugh. Because she could picture that so vividly, her friends all crowded around a glass display, probably pushing each other and being loud and obnoxious and not even realizing it. That was just how her friends, her real family, were. Sana couldn’t help but smile as she remembered that. Her parents hadn’t been her family in a long time, but she had found a much much better one. It would have been nice to let them meet Nico before the doctors stole her away from intubation, but Sana knew she had no control over that. “Did you get any pictures?” Sana asked the two of them. They had both followed the doctors out with Nico, letting Sana rest for a bit while they watched the baby. “A couple. The doctor let us take a few before they connected her to all of the machines.” Jihyo tries to keep things light, both she and Mina knew all too well that Sana was probably blaming herself for Nico being born early. “Wanna see?” Sana nods eagerly, scooting over a bit in her hospital bed so Jihyo could sit down next to her. “She looks so red.” Sana giggled as she swiped through the pictures. Jihyo had done a pretty good job with them. “Like a little tomato.” “Hey well she is our little tomato.” Mina giggled as she got on Sana’s other side, kissing her head as she wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “The doctors said that was normal and her skin would be normal soon.”

“That’s good.” Sana hummed. “Was she behaving?” “She was being a little fussy earlier though, wouldn’t stop wiggling around as the doctors connected her to the heart rate monitor and tubes.” Jihyo kissed Sana’s shoulder. Sana continues to scroll, both of her wives falling silent as she did. “Did- did they say anything about when she could come home?” Sana stops when she sees a picture with wires connected to their baby. Insecurities bubbled over and tears welled up in Sana’s eyes as she thought about Nico struggling. “They said around Christmas if everything goes well.” Jihyo answered, taking her phone back and putting it in her pocket.

“Was there- was there anything wrong with her?” Mina and Jihyo are both quiet at Sana’s question. Of course they want to tell their wife the truth, but that was hard when they knew it would only hurt Sana. “Please tell me.” Sana begs when she notices their silence. “It’s-it’s her lungs.” Jihyo sighs. “They said she’s probably going to have breathing problems her entire life. Something about them not developing properly and that it was normal for preemies.” That word slipped off of Jihyo’s tongue so easily it almost scared Sana. Preemie. Their daughter was a preemie. “But they also said they aren’t fatal or anything.” Mina rubbed Sana’s shoulder. “They said she will be able to live a mostly normal life.” “That’s good.” Sana sighed. “Can you send me the pictures? I want to send them to my Aunt.” “Yeah sure.” Jihyo smiled at Sana. “Done.” Sana looked around for her phone at Jihyo’s response and it was only then it dawned on her it was gone. “Do you guys have my phone?” Sana asked. “No.” Mina nodded. “I don’t either. I’ll check the hospital bag though.” Their hospital bag had been very hastily thrown together. They would have assembled a real one if it weren’t for the fact that Sana’s labor was so sudden. Because it was, they spent barely a minute just throwing random things in a duffle bag. There were some random hoodies, a change of clothes for Sana, and a couple phone chargers. That was all Mina could manage to get in with the time pressure they had been on. “It’s not here babe.” Jihyo sighed. “Did you leave it at home?” “I think so.” Sana sighed. “I can go get it for you.” Mina kissed Sana’s temple, noticing her stress. “No, it’s not that urgent.” Sana nodded. “I can wait until tomorrow.” “Are you sure?” Mina asks. “Yeah.” Sana pulled her down until a kiss. “Everything I need is here in this hospital.”

Sana is discharged the next morning, but under strict instructions not to move around much. She grumbles about how they don’t have to worry about it, she barely can move as it is. The hospital gives them a wheelchair for her to go home in, but when they get home Sana insists on being carried by Jihyo who giggles and lifts her up slowly. Jihyo had been Momo’s gym buddy for years, as she was the only one who didn’t know Momo well enough to say no when she asked. Jihyo remembers when she told Mina and Sana about it and both of them told her she had made a mistake. They told her that Momo’s workouts were always so hard and took so long that they weren’t worth it. Jihyo ended up still going though, and she found herself getting used to it over time. Jihyo situates her in bed before leaving to take a shower. Mina begins to prepare lunch once she’s sure Sana is comfortable and Sana grabs her phone. She’s still in a bit of a weird headspace. It was weird to not have her daughter pushing at her back or kicking her anymore. It was weird to know her daughter was in the world miles from home. It was weird to think she had a daughter now. A living breathing daughter, that was no longer just a mass of cells inside of her. It was weird knowing she was someone’s mother now.

Sana finds her phone on the nightstand. She makes Jihyo hand it to her before she begins to shower and Sana realizes she has quite a few messages. Most of them are from her friends, and it makes her so happy to read them.

from that annoying bitch

Yesterday 11:56 PM

i know i didn’t get to see you today but i just wanted to make sure you were okay. mina and hyo say you're fine but i promised my mom i would make sure. i’m really happy for you and your daughter is so cute which is honestly surprising considering who her mom is. mina and hyo said we can meet her around christmas and i think nayeon might have put it in her phone calendar, just a warning my wife can be crazy with babies :p

Sana couldn’t help but roll her eyes at Momo’s text. Of course that was what Momo said.

to that annoying bitch

Just now

i left my phone at home, sorry lol. i’m pretty sore but i just got home. you can tell auntie i’m fine and that i’ll send some pictures of nico over in a bit. thanks for checking in, i knew you loved me ;)

from that annoying bitch

Just now

sorry but you know i never have. your just all weird from the post pregnancy

hormones :p

to that annoying bitch

Just now

you’ll admit it one day, mommy knows you're a good girl momoring ;)

from that annoying bitch

Just now

shut up i hate you so much :p do i have to deal with mommy jokes from now on?

to that annoying bitch

Just now

well considering i was making them before and i wasn’t a mom then, yes :p

from that annoying bitch

Just now

i cannot stand you

to that annoying bitch

Just now

your just annoyed i’m a milf and your not :p

from that annoying bitch

Just now

you are insufferable

Sana giggled at that. Her and Momo had always been the same and it was something really appreciated. It may have sounded like they hated each other, but truthfully they loved each other a lot. They were like twins. Sana and Momo. Momo and Sana. It had always, and would always be the two of them. Sana had never had a biological sister, but Momo was by far the closest thing she was ever going to get. She decides to start going through some other messages after she decided she had messed with Momo enough. from momo’s hot wife

Yesterday 12:05 am

send me baby pics

this isn’t a request it’s a demand

i need nico pics now

to momo’s hot wife

Just now

sorry i left my phone at home here

[image sent]

from momo’s hot wife

Just now

OH MY GOD I’M IN LOVE SHE’S SO CUTE BRB I’M GOING TO THE HOSPITAL TO STEAL HER

to momo’s hot wife

Just now

okay but after you steal her i’m coming to take her back :p

While waiting for Nayeon to respond she went through her other messages. They were mainly just congrats texts with a few worried ones, just as Sana was expecting. What she wasn’t expecting was the one from her Aunt. from auntie

two days ago

hey sana, it’s been a while :) i hope the pregnancy is going okay and i can’t wait to meet my granddaughter. just to let you know so you don’t have to find out through someone else… they set your parents' release date today. it’s set for november three years from now. i can go get them from jail, so you don’t have to worry about picking them up. i talked to your mom today and they plan on getting an apartment right after getting out right outside of seoul. i just thought it would be good for you to know. i love you and can’t wait to see you at christmas!

Reading that text made Sana feel like she was going to be sick. They set her parents' release date? Her parents were going to be coming back? To Seoul? The thought of that made her feel like she was going to be sick.

#twice #nahyo #minatozaki sana #myoui mina #park jihyo #im nayeon #hirai momo #misahyo #misahyo au

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floralseokjin · 4 years

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— crystallised 08 (m) final

crystallised /ˈkrɪst(ə)lʌɪz/ (verb) make or become definite and clear

Six weeks, that’s all it takes to forget about the threesome you shared with your boyfriend, Yoongi, and your past... fuck buddy, Seokjin. After all, it’s no big deal. Yoongi and you are doing better than ever, there’s no reason to regret such a night shared. That is until you hear some gossip in the library one day, and then slowly, little by little, everything starts to fall apart... Can you begin to make sense out of all this confusion, or is it too late?

pairing; kim seokjin x reader genre/warnings; light angst, smut; we have d in v ppl!!!! fluffy romance, the L word gets thrown around a lot, A HAPPY ENDING words; 7,473

sequel to; memoirs of a mistake and lostmyhead

chapters; 01 ⤑ 02 ⤑ 03 ⤑ 04 ⤑ 05 ⤑ 06 ⤑ 07⤑ 08 ✓

listen to; i.f.l.y

author’s note; here she is 😭the final chapter. My babies have come so far and I love them very very much! Thank you for following and sending this series lots of love. Hope you enjoy!!!! 💖

The next few days dragged by. Feeling hopeless and sorry for yourself. Seokjin didn’t want to talk to you. You’d tried calling him as soon as you’d woken up the morning after Hoseok’s birthday party. It just kept ringing and ringing. Going to answerphone. In the end you’d grown impatient, bombarding him with texts. He did reply after a while, but it wasn’t what you wanted to hear.

You (10:08am) Seokjin please pick up Can’t we talk? I’m so sorry about last night

Seokjin (10:27am) I just need some space for a while I’m sorry

You (10:27am) Okay. Please just tell me when you’re ready and we’ll talk ok?

It was silly, but the only thing that softened the blow was his apology. You mean, he couldn’t be angry at you or hate you if he’d said sorry, surely? But regardless, it didn’t make it any easier. With each passing day you were losing hope. Getting restless. If you didn’t talk soon you were scared that would just be it. Time would pass and things would end. Your relationship would end. Just before it’d even started.

You kept repeating what Lina – and Yoongi, had told you: An argument didn’t mean the end of a relationship. You couldn’t give up. Not when the thought of losing Seokjin killed you, but exactly how long was this space he needed going to take? You just wanted to understand what was going on his head. To apologise for all the things you’d handled wrongly and to just talk. You really wanted to talk to him and see him. Just see him. You missed him so much.

By Tuesday Lina was over it. Practically forcing you to just go to Seokjin and sort it out already. She was sick of seeing you so miserable, knew for a fact Jin was just the same. Miserable without one another. You told her you couldn’t. Not when it was his decision. Take some initiative. Those were her words. If you wanted everything to be alright then you had to fight.

So here you were the next day, loitering outside his 3pm class, waiting for him to be done. You figured being in a public place would ease your nerves a little. Wrong. Your heart was still pounding. You were still breaking out into a cold sweat when the doors opened and the class started to disperse…

You spotted him before he spotted you. He was talking to a friend from his class. Dressed in all black. Looked effortlessly good. Like usual. You almost had second thoughts, but Lina’s advice echoed in the back of your mind, getting louder. You weren’t a coward anymore. You wouldn’t run away.

“Seokjin!” His head turned in the direction of his name, recognising your voice. You waved at him, about five feet away. He stopped in his tracks, contemplating what to do next. If he walked off you wouldn’t know what to do. Thankfully he stepped closer, turning back only to say goodbye to the guy he was with. You held your breath until he was right in front of you, knowing you needed to actually speak words out loud instead of just thinking them in your head.

You smiled slightly. “Hey. I thought we could walk together?”

“I have work.” He definitely didn’t sound angry, so you took that as a positive.

“I know. I’ll walk with you.” You knew his schedule well. If he knew yours too, he’d know you only had one class on a Wednesday. It finished at 12pm.

He didn’t say anything though, so you just started following him. Out of the building and down the path that led to the main road. The gym was on your way back home. You’d thought it all through. Apart from the talking bit. You walked in silence for a good few minutes. Over half the journey, until he was the one who broke it.

“Sorry I haven’t messaged you yet. I was just…” He spoke quietly. Sounding awkward. Maybe even guilty.

It’s okay,” you reassured. He looked over at you in surprise. “I was thinking maybe we could talk a little now?”

He looked back at the floor, murmuring your name. “I’m not really in the right headspace right now. Like I said, I have work, and well,” he paused, glancing your way again. “Do you really think everything can be said in under five minutes?”

It was you who looked at the floor then. “No I don’t.” You shook your head. “I just wanted to see you.”

Seokjin didn’t reply, but he moved closer, his arm brushing against yours as you walked. It soothed your heart a little. Told you maybe everything would be okay. You could see the gym in the near distance. Damn you both for walking so fast.

“I feel really shitty for leaving you alone and storming off.” This time he definitely sounded guilty. Embarrassed.

“It’s fine,” you answered. “I got an uber. I was home before 12.” Tucked up in bed, quietly crying yourself to sleep. You left that bit out though.

“Still though. I’m really sorry.” You smiled in response. Building now seriously close. In no time at all you were stood outside it. “I’ll, um,” Seokjin began, itching the side of his face. “I’ll call you when I’m home?”

Your eyes widened a little in surprise. More hopeful now than ever. “Only if you want to.”

He nodded. His eyes were a little sad. Didn’t have their usual twinkle to them. You really wanted to hug him but chose against it. Things still weren’t okay, but you wouldn’t lose that hope. He smiled softly, voice just the same. “See you.”

You pushed yourself up from the wall you’d been leaning against when you saw Seokjin through the glass doors, his shift over. It was four hours later. Right now you should’ve been at home waiting for his phone call, and you’d had every intention of doing just that, but you were serious this time. You wouldn’t let this relationship die. He needed to see that. To hear it in person.

You walked over to him, smiling shyly. He looked vaguely puzzled. “Me again.”

He closed the gap between you, backpack slung over his shoulder. “You haven’t been out here this whole time, have you?”

You couldn’t help but let out a little laugh. “No, I came back. I kinda memorised your schedule a while back,” you admitted awkwardly. His expression softened, as if touched. You carried on. “I thought instead of talking on the phone we could talk in person.” This time it wasn’t a question.

Seokjin nodded slightly. “Sounds like a good idea.” Your heart finally settled in relief. “I–Wanna come over my place? I need to shower and beats talking out here in the cold.”

“Thanks.” Gratitude your way of saying yes. “I have my car.” You’d brought it just in case. Somewhere private to talk if he didn’t want you to come home with him. Didn’t want to come home with you.

The ride was made in silence. Not that you minded. You figured small talk wasn’t the way to go, and besides, the journey wasn’t too long. Just being close to him was what mattered. Was enough for those few minutes.

Sandeul turned his head from the couch when he heard the door open, speaking before he’d really caught a glance. “Hey, man. You feeling alrig–Oh.” She stopped short when he saw you, saying your name as almost a way of realisation before he greeted you. “Hey. I didn’t know you were coming over.”

You put a smile on your face, totally understanding he knew pretty much everything, if not everything. “Hi, Sandeul.”

He smiled back, looking over at Seokjin next to you. “I can go to my room?”

God. Seriously, how awkward. Seokjin shook his head. “No, it’s fine. I need to shower so we’ll go to mine. Speak later.” You followed him as he made across the room, stepping inside his bedroom when he motioned for you to go first.

Whilst Seokjin was in the shower you had a lot of time to plan what you were going to say. Seokjin’s room always smelt nice and was always cosy. Just being here made you feel more at ease, but you guessed that was because you’d missed him so much. A few days ago you’d thought you’d never be in his bedroom again. You prayed this wasn’t the last time.

You knew he was out of the shower when you heard whispering. You couldn’t make it out but you could definitely hear it. Boys were never exactly subtle. However you pretended like you hadn’t once Seokjin pushed the door open and slid back inside. His hair was still damp and he combed his fingers through it in an attempt to tame the spikes that had appeared where he’d rubbed the towel over it. He was dressed in black sweats and a grey and maroon striped top, which you’d never seen before. It was evil. Stuck to him like an extra layer of skin.

You stayed perched on the edge of the bed. It seemed wrong to make yourself comfy, yet too awkward to sit in his desk chair. He smiled at you softly and sat down next to you. There was a moment of silence, one you took to psych yourself up. You had everything you wanted to say planned, all you had to do was open your mouth. But he beat you to it.

“I’m sorry.”

You looked at him in surprise. He looked absolutely beside himself. Jittery, apologetic and totally sincere. “What are you sorry for? I’m the one that should be apologising!”

He shook his head quickly, refuting you immediately. “I’m the one who was acting all irrational and stormed off.”

“I shouldn’t have spoken to Yoongi. I’m sorry you had to hear all that. It was beyond insensitive of me.”

“I overreacted.”

You took a deep breath. You were both going around in circles. How could you apologise if he wasn’t letting you. But then you guessed he probably felt the same. “I don’t think you did.” You said softly. Maybe nobody needed to apologise. Maybe you just needed to talk through the misunderstandings. “I just… I don’t understand what you meant when you said all that stuff.”

He knew exactly what you were on about. The argument here. The things that had come out of his mouth at the party. “That’s what’s wrong. With me. With us.”

He didn’t know how to continue so bravely you did so for him. You didn’t want to assume anything, but at this point it was obvious. “You don’t think you’re good enough?” He stayed silent but the look in his eyes said a thousand words. You scoffed in frustration. “That’s bullshit, Seokjin!” You weren’t mad at him. Just mad he felt that way. “Who am I? A nobody.” Of course he was good enough for you. He was perfect for you. “If you’re not good enough for me then I’m not good enough for you.”

He opened his mouth to argue but you didn’t let him. “If we’re both not good enough for one another then it cancels out and means we’re perfect for one another.”

“I don’t think it works like that.” But he did laugh a little. It was mostly silent, but you saw the curl of his mouth. It was enough.

You reached for his hand, shuffling closer to him. “Of course it does. I’m not going to let go. I’m going to fight for us.” You squeezed his fingers. “It’s taken us so long to get here, we’re not throwing it away.” This was how you handled conflict. You felt oddly at ease. Mature and proud of yourself.

“I don’t want us to throw it away.” Warmth flowed through your body when you felt him lace your fingers together. “I thought you’d be super mad after that party mess. Thought you’d hate me and want to end things, so I hid away and pretended like nothing was happening.” He explained. “If I could get through those months without you last year I could do it again. Only I couldn’t.” He looked at you, eyes still sad. “I knew I had to confront my fears and hold onto us, even if it meant begging you for a second chance. I really was going to call you tonight. Even before you turned up outside class.”

Processing everything he’d said you breathed a laugh, nestling in a little closer. Your free hand lightly pressed into his chest. “I could never hate you. Especially for you speaking your mind and I don’t know, confiding in me?” That’s what he’d done outside the party. How could you be mad when he’d confessed so many troubles to you.

“It was more like yelling at you. Telling you what you should think.” He was still a little stubborn. Needed to see the truth.

“Well, I don’t think any of those things,” you replied matter of factly. “Seokjin, you’re honestly the most kindest, caring, sweetest guy I’ve ever known.” You shook your head and corrected yourself. “Person, even.”

He shook his head, sliding his hand from yours to pull away in some sort of embarrassment. “No, listen,” you insisted, latching onto him again. He dropped his head but you cupped his cheek, eager for him to look at you. He did so reluctantly, but your felt his hand lightly hold your waist, keeping you near. “I’m going to compliment you because you need to hear it. You deserve it. You’re the best.” You smiled. “No one gets me like you do. No one makes me laugh like you do. Feel so at ease. You just make me so happy.”

Seokjin watched you intently, softening from your words. “Always have. Just now… I get to say these things. Or I should do, no matter how cheesy I think they are.” You should’ve said them a long time ago. “These… insecurities you have, I can’t stop them, but I can help you see who you are.” He needed to realise it was all in his head. He deserved you, like you deserved him. You cupped his other cheek, moving closer. “Who you are to me, and your friends, and your family.”

You were so close to his mouth. You couldn’t help it. Had to kiss him. His lips were warm and soft. It felt like an age since you’d felt them. He gently kissed you back. A split second. Before pulling away. His hand moved up your side and he squeezed. “I’m sorry.” He pressed his forehead to yours. You let your breaths match up. “My head was a mess, I took it out on you.” He paused. “I’ve just been feeling… I thought us getting together would make all these things go away. Especially after I asked you to be my girlfriend.”

“You can’t help it.” You whispered. But hearing that broke your heart a little.

He chuckled sadly. “I know, but it’s stupid.” He moved his hands to your face, holding you. “You want me.” He kissed your lips. You closed your eyes. “I know you do, but it’s just hard to understand sometimes.”

It was ironic. Before you had began something serious with one another, when you were with Yoongi, and before that even, deep down, even though you didn’t realise it, the reason you couldn’t admit your feelings for Seokjin was because of your insecurities regarding him. He couldn’t like you like that. Didn’t want to. It was just sex. It had taken you a while to overcome that, but ever since you’d admitted your feelings, poof, every apprehension had gone. Everything had been perfect. In your mind. Seokjin’s insecurities were only just starting.

He pulled away, making some distance between you and cleared his throat a little awkwardly. “I hate to say this, but I’ve been jealous of Yoongi for so long. I know it’s stupid of me, childish, but…” He scoffed to himself. “Hearing you speak to him. It was like I was listening in on something I could never be a part of. And not because of what you were saying, not really. I knew you were only saying all that because of me, and the doubts I’d just put into your head. It just hurt because he listened so well, knows you so well and you wanted his advice.” He looked across at you. You knew admitting all this was hard for him. “You wanted him to help and give you answers because I couldn’t.”

Now you felt beyond sad. His reaction outside the party was one of frustration. So many mixed and pent up feelings. “I just wanted to talk to someone because I couldn’t talk to you. I’m sorry I acted so childishly when we could’ve just talked it out but I–I…” You were here now, talking. That was the main thing. “I shouldn’t have spoken to him about us. It was wrong of me. I know that, and I’m sorry. But…” You reached for his hands clutched at his lap, holding them as you continued. “There’s no need to be jealous of him. It’s natural I know, given the circumstances and I understand.” Hell, you were jealous of people you shouldn’t really be jealous of either, but you were human. You couldn’t control your emotions no matter how irrational. However you could help ease his. “Me and Yoongi… there’s nothing to worry about.”

You had no feelings for him. All your heart knew and wanted was Seokjin.

“I know.” He sighed, softly tracing patterns on the back of your hand with his fingers. Gaze locked there. “I know. It’ll pass. I just let everything get on top of me.”

“W-were you upset because it was Namjoon’s room too?” You hesitated before asking the question, torn about bringing it up, but knowing deep down you needed to. The threesome was another issue, and you wanted to know his true feelings on it. Being in Namjoon’s room again like that has shaken you up too.

Seokjin looked at you, nodding his head slightly. “Yes. Reminded me of…” He entwined your hands, holding on tight. Almost like he was determined to continue. “I really don’t look at you any different because of that night. Honest.” Even though this talk had begun to make you see that, the relief you felt hearing those words was a huge weight lifted from your shoulders.

You guessed a lot of your insecurities had lied with that night. Maybe deep down you were still dealing with them. Why you’d come to such a conclusion the other night. Scared Seokjin regretted everything. Scared it had cursed your relationship before it had even started.

“What I said about the threesome, I meant like my own insecurities regarding it.”

“I understand.”

“You do?” He looked relieved as you nodded. “That was the last time we had sex and… I don’t want to say I regret it, because it happened and I can’t change it.” He was struggling to express himself. You gave him time, waiting patiently. He didn’t stop holding your hand. “I don’t want to change it. That would mean you feeling bad about yourself and I don’t want that. You have nothing to feel bad about. I just hate that I even thought to do something like that.” He ducked his head in shame. “I’ve said before why I feel like that, but it just won’t stop playing on my mind.” He sighed, struggling. “That night felt like I was in competition with him and that’s not how wanted to ever treat you.”

“I don’t see it like that. I know I can’t tell you how to feel but I really don’t judge you when it comes to that night.” He needed to know that. You shuffled closer, wanting him to know you were there for him and you understood.

He looked up, smiling softly. “Thank you. I really don’t feel differently about you. Never have, never will.” You felt silly knowing you’d ever come to that conclusion. “It’s me I feel different about. I acted out of jealousy. My ego was bruised and I just… I hate myself whenever I think about it.”

“Well you shouldn’t.” You wrapped your arm around his shoulders. You couldn’t bear to hear him say such a thing. “It was a decision made by all three of us. You don’t need to hate yourself, Seokjin.” You didn’t blame him. There was nothing to blame him for. You let your face fall into the crook of his neck slightly, kissing the skin. “I don’t want you to. I won’t let you.”

He pulled his arm from between your bodies, draping it over your shoulder and you let yours fall from his, letting him hold you. “I’m trying not to.” He murmured, before finding your mouth to kiss. “I think now that you know the truth it’ll start getting better.”

You smiled. “A problem shared is a problem halved, right?” He’d told you that numerous times. When you were hooking up, stressed with schoolwork. Caring as always.

“Right,” he smiled back before kissing you again. When he pulled away he rubbed your noses together. “Thanks for saying such nice things about me earlier.”

You laughed. “It’s okay, you can return the favour some other time.”

He smiled, eyes now shining like you were familiar with, and cupped your face, turning your head gently to face him. “You make me so happy. I know me being a dramatic little bitch doesn’t show it, but well… You’re the girl of my dreams and I’m so glad I’ve been given a chance with you. Well,” he paused, “multiple chances.” He chuckled, glancing away. “Sorry I keep messing it up.”

You shook your head, reaching for him, hands brushing against his chest. “You haven’t messed anything up.”

He didn’t listen, making a little distance again. “I’ve been trying so hard to make things perfect.” He looked briefly at you. “That was true. About me wanting our second first time to be perfect. I just overthought it so much I didn’t know how to initiate it in the end, and when you did, I panicked. Thought I was doing this whole relationship thing all wrong.”

That made sense. Why he was hellbent on taking things slow. Why it took a while for him to ask you to be his girlfriend. The overthinking caused delays. Caused self doubt and worry. If only you’d realised.

You sighed softly. “I’m sorry if it felt like I was rushing you or being selfish.”

“You weren’t,” he shook his head. “I just got scared.” He turned a little bashful then. “You’re my first serious relationship. Well, my first one altogether. I just wanted everything to be perfect.”

Perfect. That word. Didn’t he already see it?

You took his hand. “It’s already perfect.” You smiled when he looked at you. “I’m sorry I never told you. I thought it so many times.” In your head you thought you’d done so already. Maybe you had, he just couldn’t believe it. “You’re my perfect. Perfect for me. The only one I want. The only one I’ve wanted for a long, long time. Even if it took me a little while to realise it.”

He looked a little guilty then, remembering part of your argument. “I’m sorry about that too. It just came out before I could stop it. I don’t hold that against you. How could I? I was just frustrated you didn’t believe I wanted you.”

You believed him. He wanted you. When you kissed him next it was to give him everything you had. You clung to him and in turn he held you tight, but your mouths moved sweet and slow. It felt new all over again.

“Not having sex was supposed to make things simpler not harder, but of course I was wrong,” he laughed after he pulled away. “I gave myself blue balls for no reason.”

“Jinn,” you whined, wrapping your arms around his neck and burying your face in his chest.

“What?” He played clueless.

“Nothing.” You pulled away, rolling your eyes playfully. “If it’s something, I have come to admire your terrific strength. But, you did give me major blue balls too, so you should probably say sorry.”

He hummed aloud, pretending to think. “I don’t think it’s called that for women.”

You whacked his shoulder. “Shut up.”

“What?!” He sounded amusingly affronted. Nothing a hug couldn’t solve.

You moulded yourself to his body, holding tight. He wrapped his arms around your middle, kissing the top of your head. “We’re okay?” You murmured. It was pretty obvious, but verbal confirmation would be nice.

“We’re okay.” He softly inhaled the scent of your hair. “I’m going to try and not let my insecurities get the better of me, because they’re not real.”

You moved to smile up at him. “No, they’re not, but it’s fine. Next time you feel down, tell me.”

He smiled back, kissing your lips. “I want to tell you everything.”

“That’s funny, because I want to tell you everything too.”

He laughed. “Okay. Can we start now?”

Narrowing your eyes, you felt suspicious. What was he after? “…We can. ”

“Tell me if you already thought I was hot before we hooked up that first time.”

Idiot.

“Hm. Is that really important?”

“Very,” he punctuated with a kiss to your nose.

You spent the next couple of hours reminiscing. It was funny, you’d done this once before, but it wasn’t something you could ever get bored of. Thinking about where you’d grown from. Trying to pinpoint the exact moment you’d fallen for one another. It was fun. It made you happy. Sometimes nostalgia was your best friend.

You’d been lying down for a while, natural progression, when Seokjin started to yawn. Hand up to his mouth trying to stifle it. “You’re tired,” you stated, lifting your head from where it had been resting on his chest.

“Mm. I haven’t really gotten much sleep these past few nights.”

The same had been for you too, but maybe you were still a little buzzed to start drifting off right now. You couldn’t force him to stay awake though. Not when his eyes were near closing. You tapped his chest. “Go to sleep.”

He grumbled but didn’t fight. “Stay over?”

“Okay.” It took you not even a millisecond to think of an answer. Nor did it take you even five minutes to change into one of his t-shirts. Before joining Seokjin in bed though, there was one thing you needed to do. “I’ll be back soon. Need to pee.” You whispered. He hummed in response. Poor guy was already half asleep.

He was fully asleep when you came back, curled up on his side. You turned off the light and crept under the covers quietly, moving close and wrapping your arm around his body. You closed your eyes, wanting to sleep too but still a little wired. It was only about a minute later when Seokjin began to shuffle.

“I wanna spoon you instead,” he more or less whined, twisting out of your grip. There was nothing wrong with that. You turned around immediately, grinning when he wrapped his arm around you, enveloping you in warmth. He laced your fingers together, tangled your legs, and kissed the back of your head.

He attempted to move your hair out of the way with his nose, trying to find the skin of your neck to kiss too. Realising it was a little difficult he unclasped your hands and moved the strands down your back. He kissed the skin slowly. Sucking softly, sending light shivers up your spine. His hand rubbed and caressed your side, pulling you closer to his chest.

“I thought you were tired?” You murmured, keening into his touch.

He hummed into you, kissing across your cheek. “I power napped while you were in the bathroom.”

You giggled, turning your head to reach his mouth. His tongue parted your lips before they could even touch, and it wasn’t long before you were on your back, his body pressed firmly into yours. You let your hands explore; up his back, over his shoulders and down his arms, gripping onto the hard muscle under that cruelly tight fitting top. Seokjin liked that. You feeling him up. Liked it when you moaned into his mouth. Against his tongue.

He grew hard pretty quickly. You could feel it digging into your thighs as he rutted against you. Mouth now on your throat, his breathing getting heavier. “I think this is the perfect moment.” His mouth was wet, words trembling slightly. Arousal. Nerves. Probably both.

There was silence as his words settled, just the noises of his kisses against your neck filling the air. He wasn’t letting up. You clutched at his face, lifting him up so you could feel his mouth on yours. “I think so too.”

That was all he needed to hear. He picked up the pace, your mouths furious, gripping your hips as you spread your legs, one bent at the knee to roll into him more. You moaned in sheer longing when his hands pushed up the t-shirt. Hot fingers grabbing at your equally as hot skin. He was seconds away from tearing it off you when he stopped abruptly, pulling away slightly.

It was dark in his room. Your eyes were slow to adjust. Too busy closed in pleasure. So you were confused, unable to read his face. Unsure what was wrong. “S-seokjin…?”

There was a beat of silence and then– “I love you.”

You froze. Heart not beating anymore, you were sure of it. “What?” You were so flabbergasted it was all you could think to say. Surely you were hearing things. “Jin?” You were eager for confirmation. Sick of only seeing dark. Why was it dark at a moment like this? You wanted to see his face. Wanted to see his mouth when he said those three little words. “One minute–” you moved under him, stretching your body to reach the lamp on his nightstand. If you could just get some light.

“Oh.” As you clicked it on the brightness blinded you. You blinked a few times, but still determined you stared straight at him. “What did you say?”

He didn’t hesitate. “I love you. I’m in love with you.” You were speechless. “It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way yet. I don’t mind. I can wait—

“Of course I feel the same.” You reached out for him, wanting him close.

“What?” It was his turn to sound baffled.

“I love you too.” You kissed him, before laughing. “Of course I do.”

“Really?”

“Yes!” Did he want you to shout it from the rooftops? You would. You loved him. So much. Had for a while, you were sure of it. You were just… too scared? Oblivious? Who knew. But it didn’t matter anymore. There was a time when you’d been obsessed with idea of love, wondering when and how it would happen. You realised now the best kind was the love that had always been there. Slowly waiting for a chance to reveal itself. A quiet love. A subtle love. A true love. The love you had for Seokjin.

“Yes,” you murmured against his lips. “I love you.”

You broke apart as he sighed in relief. “Thank fuck for that. I’ve wanted to tell you for so long but I was scared it would be too early.” You could tell he was nervous about it, his hands trembling. “I think that’s what was playing on my mind too–” He stopped himself, shaking his head. “Fuck it. I don’t care anymore. I have nothing to worry about.” He smiled at you, caressing your cheek and hair. “I’ve loved you for a really long time.”

All you could do was smile back. So happy perhaps you could cry. You wouldn’t, but you could. You kissed the side of his thumb. “Then it would never be too early.” You think he understood the same went for you. You’d loved him for a while.

He got you out of that t-shirt very quickly after that. Mouth on your chest, down your cleavage, wrapped around your nipples… Your breath was shaky as he hooked his fingers into your underwear. “Goddd.”

He hesitated before he dragged them down. “Can I show you how much I love you?”

“Please.” Your voice was a whisper. Couldn’t trust it otherwise. “Please.” Your underwear was already hanging from your ankle. You kicked them off.

He looked down your body with a groan. He was a little impatient. A little frustrated. There was so much he wanted to do with your body, but he also just really wanted to be inside you. You could tell by the look in his eyes. You tugged at his sweatpants, helping him out. He was naked waist down immediately. Still in that evil top though. You ran your hands over his chest and down, fingertips brushing against his abs. “I kinda want you to keep this on. You look so good.”

“I can if you want.” He offered, eyes wide in surprise.

You contemplated for a moment before shaking your head. “No. Naked is better.” You wanted to feel his body against yours. It had been so long.

All clothing now on the floor, he crawled over your body, feeling any part he could reach, mouth chasing yours. He brought a hand between your legs, realising how aroused you were already and groaned. He rubbed a little at your entrance but didn’t push inside. It was beyond frustrating, but you guessed he had other ideas.

“Should I get a condom?”

You giggled. “No, silly.” You were still on birth control, and if he wasn’t coming inside you, then what was the point? You cupped his face, kissing him sweetly and smiled. “You’re the best. I love you.”

Before he could think of saying it back, you’d flipped him on his back. Not that he put up much of a fight. You straddled him. “Ughh,” he groaned again, snapping his hands on your hips. You grinded against him a few times , getting wetter and wetter, before taking his—perfectly hard—dick in your fist. You squeezed, then began to run your palm over him, right against the head as you angled him inside your entrance. He moaned this time, ever so slightly bucking up. “You wanna end me.”

Wrong. That wasn’t your intention at all. You wanted to give him all the pleasure in the world. You pushed down, over the first inch of his dick and kept on going. Only it was a bit of a struggle. You got about halfway when you had to pull off him and try again.

Seokjin sat up easily, kissing you as he lightly teased you. “What’s up? Struggling?” By the smirk on his face you could tell he was loving it. Okay, Mr. Big Dick, calm down. “You can’t have forgotten…”

“I haven’t.” You insisted, determined this time. You pushed down. “I just–mmph.” God. He felt so big inside you. Stuffed full and he wasn’t even all the way in. You bit down on your lip and took a deep breath, pushing one last time, feeling him drag inside of you. You moaned loudly when he bottomed out. “Oh.”

“Fuckkk.” Seokjin hissed, holding you tight. “Oh fuck.” Your wet warmth was too much to handle. Sensation something he’d missed so much.

You slowly began to move, back and forth, getting used to him again. It was amazing. Even just this simply, but of course, as your pleasure rose, so did your need. “Lay down,” you requested, wanting him to just enjoy the ride. Quite literally.

Sweaty thighs, ragged breaths, a squeaking mattress. It was just like the old times. Only this time there was a difference. Love. A love acknowledged and embraced.

“Slow down.” Seokjin sounded fucked out already. Murmuring your name before sitting up again. He clung to your hips, trying to still your rhythm as you continued riding him. Riding the pleasure. “Baby. Please.” Despite near begging he wasn’t really doing much else to stop you. Mouth on your neck as he spoke. “Stoppp. I don’t want to cum yet.”

“Why?” Honestly you didn’t give a damn if he came. You just wanted to make him feel good.

“It hasn’t even been five minutes.” You could hear the pout in his voice. “Let me fuck you some more. Please. I just need a breather.”

“Fine.” But you weren’t annoyed. How could you be when he whispered such casual filth? And how could you when he got you on your back, spread your legs and kissed between them.

“Wanna make you moan,” he breathed against your core, lips already sticky. “Wanna make you cum.”

It didn’t take long. He soon had you holding your breath and arching your back. Coming easily. Like he was showing off how well he knew your body. Cupping your ass as he pulled away, he kissed his way up your body. His dick still hard bobbed between your thighs, and of course he couldn’t take it. Had been a wonder how he’d slipped out of your warmth in the first place.

He knelt up, adjusting himself between your legs. “You okay to carry on?”

“Yes,” you murmured, almost dreamlike. “One hundred percent yes.”

He took his time, revelling in the pleasure almost. Dipping inside of you and slowly pulling out until you couldn’t take it anymore. “Don’t tease,” you whined, brushing your hand down his chest. He listened.

Only then he laid over you, lodging himself inside. As deep as he could get. Not wanting to leave your warmth. Soft and wet and to die for. He choked a little. “I could stay like this forever.”

“Mm. I’m sure we can work with it,” you smiled, wrapping your arms around his neck. He began to thrust and that’s when you lost it. Moaning loudly. “Seokjin—!”

He thrust harder, spurred on. “Mm. Say my name again.” You did. “You can be a little louder, y’know?”

“But Sandeul.” It was late now. The guy was probably in his bedroom next to this trying to sleep.

Seokjin chuckled. “When did that ever stop us?” You blushed at past memories, pushing at his shoulder. “You’re embarrassed. Cute.” He ducked his head and kissed you. “He won’t care. He’ll be happy for us.”

You rolled your eyes. Why yes, Seokjin’s best friend loved hearing him have sex. “You’re an idiot.”

“An idiot you’re in love with,” he countered.

Damn. He was going to use that against you every time now, wasn’t he? What had you gotten yourself into? You were about to say just that, to tease him, but he was fucking into you so fast now you pretty much choked on your words. He kneeled up a little, wrapping your legs around his waist and concentrated again on getting deeper and deeper. Hard, determined thrusts that became addictive and knocked the wind out of you. Well, until it felt like his dick was stabbing your insides.

You pushed at his shoulder, wincing in pain and twisted your hips, stopping his next thrust from getting as far. He noticed straight away and pulled out of you, a little worried. “You okay?”

“Your dick’s too big,” you whined, getting a little ticklish when he started peppering your cheek in kisses, chuckling lowly now that he knew you were okay.

“See? You’ve forgotten,” he teased, tugging your earlobe between his lips. You wriggled, even more so when you felt his hand between your legs. “Don’t worry, I’ll get you used to it again…” He fell back on his side, essentially spooning you as the pad of his index finger dragged against your clit. “So wet,” he whispered in your ear, spreading your arousal around your core casually. He circled his hips into you, erection sticky between your ass. He groaned. “You’ve got me so hard. Can we go again?”

“Yeah.” That was a certain yes. This time you weren’t stopping until he came.

He gripped your ass, lifting one cheek up a little so he could find your entrance and push inside. Which proved fatal. “Oh shit,” he grunted, grabbing at the flesh like he was hungry. “Bad idea.”

“I guess you’ve forgotten the power of my ass.” You wriggled it about just for emphasis and he groaned.

“Impossible.” He lightly spanked it, sending you squealing but he held you tight. “It’s been plaguing my nightmares for months and months.”

“Nightmares?!” You shrieked, but at that exact moment he pushed inside, slowly, indulging on every second.

“You know what I mean.” His breath was hot in your ear and then his tongue curled inside the shell, sending you all a shiver.

You really wanted to cum again. You wanted to cum with his dick inside you. Feel the warmth trickle into your veins and turn your limbs to jello. You were greedy. Greedy for the pleasure he gave you. The pleasure you’d been without for a long, long time. You quickly pushed your hand between your legs, where his hand been not minutes before, chasing your high quickly.

Seokjin’s thrusts faltered when he noticed. Voice tight. “God. I missed you. God. I love you.” Nice to see he was still so easily ruined by the slightest of things.

“Who’s God?” You joked, but rolled a little onto your back, arm reaching to hold his face. Your mouths met in a rush. The kiss messy. “I love you. Missed you.”

“Yeah?” He panted. He was close. You knew it. Would never forget. “How much?”

“You know how much.” You worked your fingers faster, just the sheer anticipation of Seokjin coming – inside of you at that, tipping you over the edge. By the time you’d finished your sentence, it was done. Body stiffening, insides tightening around his dick. “So much.”

And that was it. Seokjin didn’t stand a chance. “I’m gonna cum,” he rushed, sounding almost panicked. Like it had washed over him all of a sudden.

You moaned, gripping his arm, attempting to roll him on top of you. “Like this. Wanna feel you. See your face.”

He listened. Body crushing yours as he thrust at an erratic pace. You wrapped your arms around him. Your legs too. Moulding your body to his as you watched his face, expression contorting with pleasure as he came. You moaned when he did, feeling his entire body stiffen, but so overcome he buried his face into the crook of your neck, riding it out with shaky exhales.

It took a few moments for him to come to. For you both to come to, and you peeled away from one another as he lifted his head. It was an odd sensation. You wanted him back again.

“I’ve gone dizzy,” he murmured, voice frail. “Shit. So fucking dizzy.”

You giggled. He sure did look a little frazzled. Hair a mess, beads of sweat across his forehead. Nothing beat a sex workout. You thought he would agree. You kissed him, taking your time. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” He smiled, eyes a little glassy. He ran his hands down your sides as he knelt up. You copied him, sitting up against the headboard. You sighed and ran your fingers through your hair. You thought you needed a shower. “Twenty minutes and I can go again. Maybe ten.” He informed you. Alright. Maybe the shower could wait…

You laughed, taking one of his hands. “Okay, okay, don’t wear yourself out straight away.”

He looked at you as if you’d forgotten something. “We’ve got like over a month of sex to catch up with. Well, technically, even more. But we might die if we try for that.”

“Jesus Christ,” you exclaimed. “I’ve created a monster.”

A vibration on his nightstand interrupted you. His phone. It must’ve been hanging off the edge because it fell to the floor. As Seokjin picked it up and opened his messages, you checked behind his shoulder. Mario was still facing the wall, thank god. He didn’t need to see all that, or what was surely about to come. A chuckle from Seokjin caught your attention and you glanced at him. He was looking at his phone. “What?”

You leaned forward when he flipped the screen your way and skimmed the messages from none other than Sandeul. “Oh, God.” You muttered as you read, embarrassment back and shame tinging your cheeks.

Sandeul (00:36am) I hear you made up then

Seokjin (00:36am) 🤗🤗

Sandeul (00:37am) I’m sure I have earplugs somewhere.. Have fun!

Written 2019-20. Reworked/Edited 2020 Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2020

#seokjin smut #bts smut #jin smut #jin fanfic #bts fanfic #floralseokjin:writings #fic:crystallised

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stretchjournalemerson · 3 years

Text

We Are, We Aren't

By Connor Gibson

02:51 PM

Dirty piles of slush litter the ground of the Public Garden. The ice on the pond is melting in the sun. Kids scoop up the last traces of snow, melted and hardened and melted into chunks of ice, to throw at each other. The Garden is full of people, tourists and natives alike taking advantage of the 42-degree weather— which, for a Boston February, is “warm”. I’m bundled in my wool coat and hat; others’ Patriots tees show under unzipped hoodies. The blindingly white neck of my Tatte shirt peeks out above my scarf. As always, I’m running early, but I speed-walk anyway.

Google tells me that Back Bay, the neighborhood home to the Tatte where I work, is one of the wealthiest places in the Boston area. It tells me that the bay on which the neighborhood sits was drained in the 1800s, uncovering foul-smelling fens and swamps. Developers poured cement on top of it and chopped it up into rectangles. There’s something there, some cute metaphor comparing designer stores atop a concrete-covered swamp to glossing over the issue of gentrification in favor of a new Sweetgreen.

I’ll write about that later, I think. I exit the Garden at Newbury and Arlington and cross the street. A high-cheekboned model, face blown up to the size of my entire body, peers down at me from the Burberry store window. Her eyelashes are lowered seductively under her huge sunglasses. Excuse me, I hear in my head. A posh British accent. Excuse me, why are you looking at me? I look away.

Letters barrage me as I turn onto Boylston. MK MK MK MK on clutches and purses. Chanel on a storefront. HOMELESS VETERAN PLEASE HELP GOD BLESS, scrawled on torn cardboard with a marker.

I walk into Tatte and take off my coat. VIBE CHECKER blares at me from the temperature gun, neon pink Sharpie on white.

Sarah, the mid manager, points the VIBE CHECKER at my forehead.

How’s my vibe? I ask.

She chuckles. Fine. Symptoms?

All of ‘em, at once.

Go grab an apron and we can talk about the new dinner menu. Her sweatshirt says BREAKFAST SANDWICH. I know that our BREAKFAST SANDWICH sweatshirts retail for $35. I wonder which Michael Kors clutch goes best with a BREAKFAST SANDWICH sweatshirt.

I step into Tatte Connor with his pristine white shirt and bandana and sickly sweet voice— a voice both Connor and not Connor, a voice that is mine and isn’t. Tatte Connor doesn’t create witty metaphors about systemic problems, he fires off meaningless platitudes: I like your outfit, cold out there, isn’t it? I know, I don’t know how I don’t eat them all. He grabs an apron, clocks in, and listens intently as Sarah explains chraimeh sauce.

03:14 PM

I’m at the register today, standing in one place for over five hours. It means hi, welcome in! to everyone who enters. It means my voice will stay in its customer service pitch for long after I leave, and when I walk around a person at Target while picking up yogurt that night, I will automatically announce BEHIND! and scare the shit out of them.

A woman walks in, several shopping bags swinging from her arms. Hi, welcome in! She nods acknowledgement. She wants a medium latte, almond milk and vanilla. We only have a small and a large. She asks to see the large. She’s fine with a large.

I take her phone number. All right! Will that be all for you? And would you like to leave a tip today?

She would not. She announces this so happily that I’m forced to match her tone. All right! I hope it sounds authentic. She takes her card.

I do NOT need a receipt, she proclaims, and walks out the door, bags bumping against the doorframe. The bags are massive, stiff, and glossy. They look expensive, down to the heavy serif font. My stained apron feels incredibly out of place. I wonder if it would be stupid to go get a new apron.

Caleb, the barista, waves his hand. He’s made my drink— it’s on the bar. I nod and ring up three more people before I get enough of a break to go grab it. He’s written my name on the cup and drawn little hearts for the O’s. My heart swells. I take half a sip, and then someone else walks in the door. Hi, welcome in!

03:32 PM

It’s a full-on late-lunch rush. The morning shift has just left, and the crowd hits us in the middle of a change. I’ve been moved off register and over to expo, where I’m doing three people’s jobs at once. Picking up? Todd? Would you mind waiting outside for a few minutes? Hi, Doordash? Do you need a menu? Take care! Thank you so much. Hi, welcome in!

A couple enters. They wear matching black puffy jackets with faux fur hoods and matching black sunglasses, similar in size and shape to the glasses on the Burberry model. They don’t remove their hoods or their sunglasses when they step inside. Picking up? Favio? I hand them their drinks. They are not happy.

You should be more thoughtful of your customers, I am told. It’s cold outside, and you shouldn’t keep people waiting. You need to be thinking about that.

I’m so sorry, sir.

I am reprimanded.

You need to move faster,

I’m sorry, sir. We’re doing our best.

I am told that maybe, that is not good enough, eh? And Favio and his girlfriend leave.

Have a good one! Take care! I imagine labels on their backs, as bold and shiny as the ones on their jackets and sunglasses: ASSHOLES.

03:42 PM

I am back on the register. The late-lunch rush has died down. In eighteen minutes, dinner will open up, and we’ll get slammed again— but for now I get to rest. I stack pistachio croissants in a delicate, buttery pyramid, coating my gloves with green dust and oil. Once I’m pretty sure they won’t fall, I head back to the register to count my tips.

Most people tip, but off-handedly, trying not to sound eager or generous. Sure, throw a dollar on there— “there” being a $12 sandwich. I wonder what kind of life they lead where dollars are something they throw. I notice that those thrown dollars never fall into the HOMELESS VETERAN’s plastic cup.

05:08 PM

An older woman enters and beelines for the Grab-and-Go case. She wears a brightly patterned scarf over her hair and carries an enormous H&M bag, full to bursting. She swings the bag onto one shoulder and holds up a small container of chicken salad. How much is it?, she asks. Maybe six or seven dollars, I reply.

She is surprised that I don’t know the exact price. She asks, don’t you work here? She asks, again, how much it is.

Give me one minute to check. It is seven dollars.

She complains that nobody here ever knows anything. She explains to me that it’s just one item, and you should know how much it costs. She tells me, I asked a girl a similar question, just the other day, and she didn’t know either.

I’m sorry about that. Will that be all?

She doesn’t want anything else, and pays with cash. She counts what I give back to her. She drops the chicken salad in her H&M bag, and then she leaves.

Have a great day! In my mind, I replace the H&M on her bag with BOOMER.

I remind myself that I am not an idiot, and that I deal with a lot, all day, and that I am good at my job. I remind myself that I am a human who makes mistakes. I remind myself to smile.

Another woman walks into the store. Hi, welcome in!

06:26 PM

I’m back from break, during which I inhaled a breakfast sandwich and submitted two

discussion posts on my phone. Apparently we have only made $96 so far from the dinner menu. The store is dark. Half of the patio is empty, and the people walking by, bundled up in winter coats, lean against the wind.

I’m sent over to the pass to bag food while my coworker Ayad takes his break. The dinner items come with a side salad and a little bag of pistachio cranberry cookies. Between orders, I stuff napkins into sandwich bags and draw hearts with a Sharpie on the cookie bags. I think of the people receiving them, in brownstones around Boston, living alone, living with girlfriends, living with husbands, living with tiny yappy dogs.

A woman comes in. I walk over to the register. Her hair is dark, curly, and pulled back in a tight ponytail. She carries a WHOLE FOODS canvas bag. She reminds me of my mother. She’s been thinking about getting a challah all day, but now she’s not so sure about the challah versus the pain de mie, and do I have a suggestion for her?

I bake challah at home, I say, but our challah is delicious.

She asks excitedly what recipe I use— I use Smitten Kitchen’s fig and sea salt challah, without the figs. I can’t find another good recipe for just one challah. She uses the New York Times recipe, makes two and freezes one. Smart, I say.

She decides on the pain de mie. She asks how long I’ve been making challah.

When I was at home, I made it every Friday since the start of the pandemic. I wanted to do that here, but I live alone and I can’t eat that much bread.

She’s sure my friends would be glad to eat it, and I agree. I ring up the pain de mie and an orange juice, and she tucks them into her WHOLE FOODS bag. Happy baking, she tells me, and leaves, pulling her hood up to block the wind.

08:32 PM

The close went quickly. Caleb, Ayad, and I walk out the door. Our manager stays behind, counting money, shutting everything down for the night. Lights flick off one by one. The wind bites my skin and whips my hair off my forehead. I button up my coat. Caleb and Ayad walk down the steps of the Arlington stop, waving goodbye, and I start the cold walk home.

Google tells me that the drought of the summer of 2016 brought many Back Bay buildings dangerously close to rotting and crumbling. Their foundations sit on man-made land, supported by wooden pilings. The drought brought the water table close to the pilings, putting them at risk for decay.

There’s something there, something about how the tiniest bit of stress can expose the problems lurking below a neighborhood so put-together and pristine on the surface. I’ll write about that later, I think.

It’s hard to put how I feel right now into words. I feel homesick. I feel happy. I feel tired. I want to collapse onto my sofa and pass out. I want to eat way too much cheesecake. I want to feel, just for a few minutes, like the people I welcome into Tatte.

I want to roll out dough on the dining room table, showing my mother how much it’s risen when she walks through the door with a WHOLE FOODS canvas bag full of groceries. I want to keep talking about bread. I want to work at a job where everyone who comes in asks me about recipes; where nobody plops their Chanel bags on the counter, knocking dinner menus left and right while digging in their MK MK MK clutch for their platinum VISA; where Favio and his girlfriend realize that the people bringing them their soy macchiatos are people; where older women understand that I have to remember three thousand things a day and sometimes none of those things are the price of chicken salad. I want to thank the New York Times Challah Lady for making my day a little less shit and reminding me why I even.

I could work at Starbucks, or Caffe Nero, or JAHO Coffee Roaster & Wine Bar. Sometimes, when people take their masks off inside to snap pictures of them biting into donuts for their Instagrams, I think about working at Target.

Then I bring home a whole cake, or I get handed a free iced latte with my name written on the top and little hearts drawn around it, or I talk about Boston winters with a customer excited to learn I’ve also moved from the Bay Area. I strike up a conversation with a man waiting for the restroom— he wants to know about the history of Tatte in Boston, and I tell him what I can.

I pet a very small dog. I hand the last almond croissant to a woman who tells me she is overjoyed that we have one left. She tells me that she stops by after work every day to try and buy an almond croissant. More often than not, we’re sold out.

I’m happy I could get you one today, I say, and I mean it.

I want to think that Back Bay is this woman— Almond Croissant Woman— or the New York Times Challah Lady. At times I think Back Bay is Favio and his girlfriend, MK MK MK clutches, $7 chicken salads, the Burberry model’s poster-sized glare. I want to think these things, but I know that Back Bay is none of them.

I know that Tatte Back Bay is just a coffee shop. I want to call it a microcosm of humanity, a shiny white petri dish for me to peer into. I want to claim that I know these people, that Favio and his girlfriend are selfish assholes, that the boomer really does value chicken salad over basic kindness and gratitude. I want to slap labels on them, thick-serif RICH KID, glossy embossed DADDY’S MONEY, CHALLAH LADY (GOOD PERSON?) in cursive scrawl. The truth is that I don’t know them, and I will never know them. Maybe Favio and his girlfriend were fighting that day. Maybe the boomer’s husband had just died. Maybe Challah Lady ran over a cat with her Subaru on the way home. Maybe maybe maybe.

Google tells me that Back Bay has a population of 16,427. The median age of those people is 35.3 years. Over nine thousand of them are white-collar workers. Their average household income is over $127k. Most of them are women. Most of them walk to work.

Google doesn’t tell me what challah recipe they use. It doesn’t tell me whether they feed the cookies that come with their cod in chraimeh sauce to their small, yappy dogs. It doesn’t tell me whether they notice the hearts I drew on their bags, or whether they smile before throwing those bags away.

We are what we say to customer service workers, and we aren’t. We are our jobs, our genders, our hobbies, our incomes, and we aren’t. We are the hi, welcome in and the thanks, take care and all the other facades we present to people, and we aren’t.

I walk up the steps of my apartment building, unlock and open the door, then close it behind me. Tatte Connor— the Connor I am and am not— stays out in the cold, perched on a wooden patio chair, shivering in his perfectly white work shirt: ready for me to step into him tomorrow.

Acknowledgements:

My inspiration for this essay came from working at Tatte and getting to know, through the lens of customer service, the people of Boston’s Back Bay neighborhood. As anybody who has ever worked in customer service will know, working with people is the best and worst part of the job. I’ve had some truly frustrating interactions, and I’ve also met some people that brightened up the rest of my day. When I’ve been on my feet for five hours, maintaining a customer service persona, and dealing with everything else that customer service entails, it’s easy to assign labels to people and make snap judgements about them based on a one-minute interaction.

My goal for this essay was to go deeper than that. The assignment that prompted this essay was to compose a profile, creating— in the words of my WR 121 E47 professor Stephen Shane— a “dominant impression that captures the complexity of your subject”. While I wanted to profile the people of Back Bay, I’m aware that I will never be able to understand their complexity through these tiny snapshots, and I tried to convey that struggle in this essay. I’d like to thank Prof. Shane for assigning this essay, and I’d like to thank the customers of Tatte Back Bay for their inspiration.

#stretch2021 #memoir

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katebacks · 5 years

Text

Ride Or Die - Chapter 12 (M)

— pairing | Jeon Jungkook /Reader — word c | 4,651 — genre | Mafia au!, angst , Smut, mature — summary | He seemed to have come out of a museum for being so handsome, it seemed to be that badboy coming straight from the teen movies, but as you go deep into his life, you realize he was not a badguy just to annoy his parentes. He commanded a dangerous, feared gang.And you fell madly in love with him, almost leaving your life and everyone you knew behind, to be with him. — warnings/tags | Adult content, Violence, drugs, alcoholic beverages, explicit sex, low slang words.

— Ride Or Die - Character Biography.

O1 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 | ‘12′ | 13 | 14 | 15 |

One year and five months ago.

Upon entering the Dodge, Jungkook turned on the radio and put the CD you had given him to play all the way to your house. It was strange for him to feel like he was a child going to his favorite amusement park, it was strange to him that he was feeling things he had never felt before, and it was certainly strange that he was excited to take you out. Since he walked into that school, since when he laid his eyes on you, he just could not get you out of his head. He didn’t believe he could feel anything less than obsession for you.

When he stopped the car in front of your house, he left, leaving the radio on with the songs playing. He skirted the car and walked to the porch, where he rang the bell and waited for someone to answer the door. It was your mother who opened the door and was taken by surprise to see the young man dressed all in black, with hair thrown back, with a neutral expression in his face.

Any boy picking up a girl for a date and meeting her parents, would be extremely nervous and would try to be the most polite to convince the girl's parents that he was a good person. But Jungkook was different. He didn’t remove his hands from his trouser pockets and offered his hand to greet your mother, he didn’t introduce himself and didn’t smile at her, just continued with his unshakable expression.

"Is (Y/N) ready?" He asked, making Elena frown at the boy's coldness.

"Almost, if you want to come in and wait for her …" Jungkook nodded and entered the house, taking a few steps toward the stairs, standing with his back to the stairs. Before your mother could offer him something, a voice caught his attention, causing him to turn to face the ladder and watch you come down, your attention on your cell phone.

“It's him?" You asked, and when you looked up, you saw him there. You were all in black, your blouse, shorts, boots, everything was black, even the choker on your neck. Jungkook had never seen anyone look so beautiful in that color, he had never seen anyone who looked so attractive, enveloped in the darkness as you were. You were always beautiful to him, but in that moment, you were irresistible. “Hi!” You smiled at him who smiled back, eyes unable to leave you, mind filling with impure thoughts he always had since he met you. Jungkook lifted his eyes from your body to your eyes, staring at you. And with that look you knew he didn’t need to say out loud how beautiful you were, because you could see all the admiration in his dark eyes.

He nodded toward the door and so you followed, saying goodbye to your mother and heading toward his car.

“This song is so good." You said it when you got in the car and Falling in Love was playing in the radio. He nodded, turning the ignition key and speding out of there.

"This is the CD you gave me." He confessed. You smiled involuntarily, glad that he had liked the songs you had recorded for him.

Along the way, you talked about your favorite bands and about some random things that interested both of you. When you arrived at the party, the people who were there looked at you as if you were an alien, wondering who you were and what you were doing with Jeon Jungkook. You weren’t surprised by this reaction, after all you had never been there so it was normal for people to look at you strange because they didn’t know you.

You and Jungkook entered the house, he made sure to hold your wrist and keep you close to him all the way as you headed toward the kitchen, where he would get drink for both of you. He greeted a few people, nodding at them, but returning to ignore them again.

“The girls here look like the school girls." You said standing next to him on the counter while he put vodka in a glass for you. He just looked at you quickly before turning his attention to what he was doing.

“So you’re saying they look like dumb bitches?”

“Yep..., and they all seem to have a crush on you." You said and he turned to you, laughing and holding the glass for you.

“I have no interest in any of them, only in you, so you don’t have to be jealous.” He said taking a sip from the spout of the vodka bottle, not taking his eyes off you, seeing how surprised you were at his direct response. You blinked a few times before drinking the liquid from your glass and smiling, taking the bottle from his hands. You reached out to him, and without hesitation he held your hand, and you pulled him back into the room, where most people were concentrated.

Throughout the party, you were together, talking and sharing the bottle of alcohol. He ignored the world and only had eyes for you, and you for him. Jungkook seemed more fun than you thought. You liked to see him smile, you liked to hear him laugh at your bad jokes and liked the way he looked at you, as if you were the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. After you had finished with that bottle, even if you had drunk only half of it, you were beginning to see duplicate things and could no longer stand without prop up on something.

Jungkook noticed that you were already drunk and that it was time to stop drinking. You complained to him when he said you couldn’t drink more, making him laugh when you pouted and folded your arms like a spoiled child. But you only realized that it was time to leave when you were standing and lost your balance and almost fell on the ground in the middle of those people, but Jungkook was able to hold you by the waist before you fell. Jeon shook his head and walked with you leaning on his shoulder out of the house, toward the car. The way back was filled by the two of you singing some of the songs that played on the radio.

As he parked in front of your house, Jungkook helped you out of the car and took you to the porch. The lights were all off, which meant that your parents were asleep. You found it difficult to open the door because you couldn’t put the key in the lock, and when you finally managed to open it, you lost your balance and fell on all fours on the living room floor, holding back to not laugh loud and wake up the whole neighborhood. Jeon laughed at your condition and grabbed your waist, lifting you up and sitting you down on the couch. You leaned your head on the back of the sofa, and closed your eyes, taking a deep breath. Jungkook stood in front of you watching you, until you opened your eyes and moved your head, looking at him. You smiled and patted the empty space beside you. He sat there and you grabbed his arm, past your shoulder, making him hold you and you thrust your face into his neck, closing your eyes again, inhaling the delicious scent of the colony he was wearing.

For some reason, you had the courage to lay some kisses on his neck, making him shiver as he felt your cold lips against his warm skin. He wouldn’t deny that he was enjoying the feeling, but you were drunk and he wouldn’t take advantage of you, even if he wanted to.

“(Y/N)! You're drunk ... " He whispered hoarsely.

“I'm sorry.” You murmured against his skin. "You smell so good, it's tempting."

He grinned.

“You'd better go to sleep.” He said moving away, so that he could look at your face with a calm expression. "Where's your room? I'll take you there.”

"First door on the left." You said with sleep already beginning to affect you. Jungkook pick you up on his the lap and let you hug his neck, carrying you up the stairs, to your room, where he lay you in bed, already asleep. With some other person he would have been annoyed, but with you, he felt unable to get angry. He watched you for a few minutes, watching as you slept peacefully, as if you were dreaming of angels, he watched as your chest rose and fell as you breathed, and it was at that moment that he realized that something had changed in him and it was because of you.

Jungkook stroked your hair before stepping out of your room, down the stairs and shut the door behind him, heading toward the car and speeding back to his house with a smile on his face.

Now

A week had passed since you and Jungkook were together again and everything was starting to return to normal. When Jimin called you saying that he needed to talk to you, from his voice you knew it was something serious, so knowing that he probably wanted to talk to you about your relationship with Jungkook, you agreed to meet him, but Jeon was not happy about it. You now were in your house, standing one on each side of the room, facing each other. You two argued for almost an hour until he agreed with you, but even so, he wanted to go with you anyway, because he didn’t trust Jimin.

"Jeon ..." You sighed.

“Don’t Jeon me, (Y/N). I know very well what he wants to talk about. And I want to be there to break the bones of his face when he tries something.”

"He will not try anything, Jimin is not like that." You said tired. You had barely been together again, and were already fighting. "Look, if that makes you more calm, we'll go to the Bones District, I know that the owner is your acquaintance, if anything happens, even though I know it will not, I'll run to the bartender."

Jungkook sighed but nodded, knowing it would be no use arguing with you because you were as hardheaded as he was.

“If he tries anything ...”

"He won’t." You said holding his face, silencing him with a kiss. He sighed and ran his hands through your arms. “I'll be back in two hours.”

As soon as you got to the bar, Jimin was already there waiting for you. The two of you greeted each other with only a glance before entering the establishment. The two walked toward the liquor counter and while Jimin took a whiskey, you got a soda. It was strange how uncomfortable you were feeling at that moment. You've never felt this way close to him.

"So what did you want to talk about?"

“I know everything.” He said, making you frown in confusion. Jimin sighed and took another sip of his drink before turning on the bench and facing you, looking into your eyes. “I know about Jeon, about Century, about his father's mafia, I know everything. And I know you know it too, and that's why I don’t understand why you still insists on staying with him knowing of all the lives he's already threatened and taken.”

Your whole body froze to hear him say that.

"What are you talking about, Jimin?"

"You don’t have to pretend you don’t know what I'm talking about, (Y/N), I just want to understand why you're still with him, aren’t you afraid?" He asked in a soft voice, placing one of his hands over yours, stroking it with the tip of his thumb.

"Jimin, this is a complicated matter ... You shouldn’t get involved in this ..." You started talking, but he interrupted you.

“You are important to me, (Y/N). How do you not want me to get into it knowing you're in danger? He's a psychopath. He's dangerous.”

“Not for me, Jimin. He never hurt me. He was always kind, gentle, and careful with me. And he loves me, he would never cause me any harm.”

“What about your parents? I know that their death was planned to reach you. I know they killed them because of your connection with Jungkook and his family...”

“What? Jimin, how do you know those things?” You asked confused and the boy looked away, not wanting to answer your question, and for you, that was not what mattered at the moment. “Look, this is very complicated, you can’t talk about it to anyone, okay?”

"Why not? If i say something, will he kill me?” Jimin asked skeptically and you sighed. “Look, I didn’t ask you to come here to tell you I'm going to report them or something. And for now I can’t say how I know these things. What they do or not is not my problem, but if something happens to you ... God, I can not even imagine what I'm capable of doing…” And then he got up from the seat and approached so fast that you did not have time to react. He placed a hand on either side of your face, forcing you to keep your eyes on him. ”So if one day you felt something for me, if you feel something for me (Y/N), I beg you, break up with him, stay away from him, don’t mess with people like that.”

“Jimin”

“Please, baby. Please. I beg you. I beg you to get away as fast as possible before anything bad happens to you.” He said getting closer to you. "You are too precious to him, you is too perfect for him, he is a devil, (Y/N), he does not deserve an angel like you, he has no right to erode someone as pure in heart as you, so please, leave him. Stay with me, I can protect you, baby."

“Jimin, stop, please!” You said putting a hand on his chest and gently pushing him away. "I love him, and I will not leave him, I will not break up with him. Yes, what he did is wrong, what he still does is wrong, but I just cannot stop loving him, I tried, you know that. But I can’t live without Jungkook anymore. "

Jimin let his hands fall beside his body and let the air out of his chest, disappointed with what he had heard. He had gone there with the intention of convincing you to leave the Century, but it was all going wrong. He took a deep breath and shook his head.

"I need to make a call. Can you wait for me here?" You went into despair. Who was he going to call?

"Jimin, what are you going to do?"

"Do not worry, it's nothing to do with what we talked about. Just wait here for me, okay?"

"Okay." And so he walked toward the club exit.

You turned on the counter and returned to take your soda with a thousand and one thing going on in your head when big hands held your waist. Jungkook. You thought. You turned around ready to fight him because he followed you, but you almost fell off the bench when you saw it was Hoseok who was in front of you and now it was inches from your face.

"Ho-hoseok what …"

"You know Jungkook would have broken that son of a bitch's neck if he saw how close he was to you, don’t you?" The black-haired boy asked in a low, sensual voice, making your body shiver. His hands were still on your waist and now tightened a little more. "And you know he would kill him if he saw that he touched you again." And then he smiled sensuously, drawing himself a little closer to your face making you raise your fists and lean against his chest, keeping him from moving forward, which made a smug smile that left you confused, arise on Hoseok's lips. "Should I tell Jungkook? Or should I kill that bastard myself? After all, he was touching what is mine too."

You frowned, the neurons working fervently to understand what the hell he was talking about. You weren’t his, you were just Jungkook's and no one else.

“What are you talking about? Wait, do not answer that. Just tell me Jungkook did not send you here to spy on me.”

"No. I was in the VIP room and I saw you here." He said putting his hands on the counter, trapping you between him and the counter. "I was curious and I came to see if you were okay and if you need me to break the legs of that piece of shit."

"Don’t call him that, Jimin is a great person …" You stopped talking when a big-boobed blonde stopped beside Hoseok, looking alternately between you and him with a mixture of confusion and anger on her face.

"Why the hell did you leave me there alone? And who the fuck is that girl, Hoseok?" She asked loudly, almost screaming. You raised your eyebrows, surprised at her tone and looked at Hoseok who didn’t take his eyes off you. You thought of saying something, but before you could utter any words, he did.

"It's none of your damn business. And be careful with your words. Don’t be rude or impolite to her." And so he looked at her coldly. “Leave."

"Leave?" She repeated perplexed, looking indignant at you, and for a second you thought she was going to hit you with a punch. "You can’t just start fucking me, then out of nowhere stop and go after some whore, and now send me away."

Hoseok let out a nasal laugh, before lifting his body and turning to the girl, getting serious with that look that made anyone shiver.

"What the fuck did you call her? A whore? Did you fucking lost your mind? The only whore here is you, you bitch. So wash your mouth and pick your words better before referring to this girl again.” And he took a step toward the girl, which made you get up instantly and put your hands on his chest, holding him. “Now. Fucking. Leave.” He said through clenched teeth, his voice furious.

"Hoseok," you whispered, frowning at his behavior. He looked down at you, his gaze softening. "What are you doing? You are wrong. You can’t treat a woman like that. She’s not a piece of meat, or a toy. She is a human being."

"Good luck with that jerk, girl." The woman said and marched away.

"What is wrong with you?" You moved away from him.

"I'm a sociopath, you know very well what's wrong with me. And why are you complaining? I defended you from her.”

You gasped in disbelief.

"When Jimin comes back, please tell him I went to the bathroom."

"If I don’t kill him first." He said sitting on the bench and smiling at you, making you roll your eyes.

As soon as you entered, you saw that you were alone. You stopped in front of the mirror and opened the sink tap, wetting your hands and splashing water on your face. It was too much to process. Jimin knew about Jungkook's’ gang, that would put him in danger, and would also endanger the poor guy who let that information leak. You didn’t know what to do, you couldn’t let Jungkook know but you also couldn’t betray his and the Century's trust. Protect Jimin or continue being loyal to the love of your life? Damn, you hated dilemmas. And why the hell Hoseok was acting so possessively with you these last times? Nothing was making sense.

Thinking about these things, you didn’t realize that a woman had entered the bathroom, and was only knowing of her presence there, when she attacked from nowhere, grabbing your blouse and throwing you against one of the booths. You hit your head and you felt bewildered for a few seconds until you looked at the woman.

“Shadow sends hers regards, bitch.” She said and so she pulled a knife out of the boot she wore.

You widened your eyes and barely had time to think about what to do when she stepped up against you, trying to hit you with the knife, but as you had started fighting classes, your reflexes were much better and you managed to deflect the blows. Until in one of them, she lowered her guard and by pure reflection and without thinking, you punched her chin. She fell to the ground and you turned away, running out of the bathroom and searching for Hoseok.

He was sitting on the bench and Jimin was beside him, the two were arguing. Breathing uncomfortably and with legs trembling, you walked toward them, diverting from the jerky movements people made while they danced to the violent beat of the song. When his eyes hit you, seeing the expression on your face, he immediately stood up and at the same moment you stopped in front of him.

Before you could say anything, or that Jimin could say something, Jung's expression changed from worried to extremely furious when he saw something behind you. He pushed you roughly to the side, over Jimin, causing the boy to grab you by the waist so you didn’t fall to the ground. The next second he grabbed the arm of the woman who tried again to stab you, twisted her wrist and buried the knife she was using deep into her chest, making her urged in pain. Her scream being masked by the loud beat of the song. Hoseok pulled the knife and pushed the woman's shoulder causing her to fall, banging her head, growling in pain as she squeezed her chest, trying to staunch the bleeding.

“Who the hell...” Jimin started.

“She… In the bathroom…She attacked me, she said ‘Shadow sends hers regards’.” You started to stutter and Hoseok understood what had happened. He took your hand, soiling yours with the blood he had on his and began to pull you away.

“We have to leave.”

"We ... we have ... I ..." You tried to speak as Jung pulled you toward the exit of the nightclub. Jimin followed you without saying a word. Your legs trembled and you did not even have a reaction to hold on to Hoseok when you passed through the doors and you lost your strength and fall to your knees on the floor. “We can’t leave her here ... I do not ... I can not.”

“Look at me.” He said as he knelt down in front of you, holding your face with his blood-soaked hands, soiled your cheeks and browed as he ran his hands over there, pulling the hair out of your face. "We have to go. I'm sure she's not the only person Shadow sent to try to kill you. You’re in danger.”

“Who is Shadow?” You asked with the urge to cry stuck in your throat.

"I'm going to take her to my house. She'll be fine there." Jimin said, still standing behind you, looking suspiciously sideways. Hoseok lifted his dark, angry eyes at him.

"This is not your fucking business, so go away. And you'd better keep your mouth shut about what happened inside, or I'll use a knife on you."

“I’m not afraid of you...” And the two of them began to argue while you were lost in thought. Someone was trying to kill you. Again. You had not felt this bad since you'd been tortured. Hoseok killed a person because of you. Jimin had seen, he was a witness. He was in danger. You were all in danger.

"(Y/N)." Hoseok called shaking your shoulders gently, your eyes widening, and staring at him. His brows were furrowed, his eyes slightly wide as his lips pressed. "We have to get out of here, now." You nodded. And so he stood, pulling your arms, helping you to get up. He put his arm over your shoulders, while with his free hand he held your wrist, guided you again toward the car on the other side of the street. As you were crossing the street, a car slammed into the street, skidding on the asphalt and catching the attention of the three of you. When one of the men in the car hung out the window with a machine gun along and pointed at you, Jimin screamed and pushed you behind his Range Rover that was parked behind Hoseok’s SW4 that he had recently bought, pulling you out of the gun's sights. You fell face down on the floor, with Hoseok over your body, being your shield.

When the shooting stopped, you allowed yourself to raise your head, still shaking, in fear. And your body froze when you saw that Jimin wasn’t there with you. You moved, glancing over your shoulder, watching the blond boy lying on the asphalt, grunting. You widened your eyes and kicked Hoseok out of you.

"Jimin" You screamed wanting to crawl toward him, to get him out of the middle of the street, but Hoseok grabbed your foot, pulling you back. “Let me go, Hoseok, he needs help.”

"I need to get you out of here, (Y/N). Those guys should be coming back."

"He's going to die." You exclaimed.

"And why the fuck do you think I care?" He screamed.

"I'm not leaving without him."

"Shit, you're so stubborn as Jungkook." He exclaimed angrily, peering over the car behind you, watching the enemy car drive around the end of the street. He hastened to approach Jimin and frowned for a moment, seeing bullet holes in his blouse, but there was no blood. He took the boy's hand, pulling him up and tossing him over his shoulder, carrying him to his car and throwing him into the backseat, who still moaning in pain. The shots began again as you entered the backseat with Jimin, and Hoseok drove away from there, with the enemy car chasing after them.

"Open his shirt." Hoseok said and you didn’t hesitate to do this, thinking he would tell you how to take care of Jimin's bullet wounds, but you also noticed that there was no blood on his chest. Just on his left shoulder, close to his clavicle.

When your hands gripped his shirt, Jimin hurried to stop you.

"Don’t do it." He begged. You frowned, but still, you pulled both sides of your shirt open, making the buttons fly through the backseat. An expression of confusion washed over your face when you saw what was under the shirt he wore.

"That's ..." You started to talk, but Hoseok interrupted you as he turned the road.

"A bullet-proof vest." He snarled. Jimin closed his eyes, both for pain and for his greatest secret being revealed to the only person who shouldn’t know it. "He is a cop."

#ride or die jungkook au #ride or die #jeon jungkook #jeongguk smut #jeongguk #BTS jungkook #smut #mature jungkook #bts mature #bts mafia au #mafia au #kim namjoon #kim seokjin #min yoongi #Jung HoSeok #park jimin #kim taehyung #jeon jungguk #bts imagine

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diaryformytravels · 4 years

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#12 Helsinki to London

We woke up at 9:30am after an awful night’s sleep, ready to pack our bags and be ready to leave at 11. Of course, it didn't pan out this way. At around 10:15am, we got a message from Michelle asking if we were ready to leave yet. Luckily, we had finished packing our bags and could be ready in ten minutes. It turns out Mikko wanted to get to the airport earlier and was anxious about how much time we had. Why he was time-conscious today and not yesterday, we will never know (perhaps because it concerned him this time?). We loaded into the car and set off for the airport.

When we got there, Jasper, Max and I had to go and get the trolleys for the nine bags we had. Obviously I was left to carry the heaviest one. We were also tasked with leading the way to the check in, in which the line for the one working elevator proved to be its own feat. Because of Michelle’s card, we went through the priority check in. Meanwhile, Mikko was dropping off the car we borrowed from his brother to their house, so he wasn't there while checking in. Max was being an idiot, as the lady noticed one person was missing to which Michelle said he was parking threw car (so she didn't cancel our check in). Max then said “how can he be parking if he’s dropping the car off at their house?”. Michelle covered it by saying “no, you can’t have Burger King”.

After crossing that hurdle we then tackled security. Upstairs was a priority security area, but it didn't have a British Airways thing. Jasper predicted perfectly that they would refuse us, then Michelle would flash one of her magic cards, and then we’d go through. Not all four of us were technically allowed, but she made it work (thank goodness because the other line was huge). Sucks for Mikko, he had to go through the long line. Through security, Jasper got a very thorough pat down from the guard, and then we had to wait for Michelle and Max to find a trolley, because apparently they are incapable of carrying their backpacks. It then took twenty minutes to pass through this 100m strip of shops because Max suddenly decided he needs a watch. At this point, Jasper and I are starving because we didn't get a chance to eat breakfast.

We went through immigration and stopped again, waiting for them to find another trolley. We were then dumped with the bags at Starbucks so they could go and look at more watches for Max. A while later, Mikko comes through, leaves his bags, and goes and joins them. Leaving us in a position where we can’t go and get food or even look at anything because we have to mind all of their shit. The two boys then come back and start downloading stuff on their iPads to watch on the plane an hour before the flight (wtf). They then hand us the iPads to do it for them so they can keep shopping.

They finally return, to which we run off to the Burger King that was promised to us all morning. We pass Michelle on the way, who’s carrying a newly purchased watch box (not for her). We practically ran because we were boarding in fifteen minutes time, I got a whopper and Jasper got a WAAPA (this is his joke). We’re nearly done at 1:15, and boarding was at 1:10. MMM arrive and order Max food. We told them boarding had already started, and then Mikko and Michelle went to the lounge to “pick something up” (seriously?).

We leave at 1:20 and are now jogging to the gate. Why do they walk so slow the entire time, and then sprint at the end? Can't we regulate the pace a little bit? Michelle walks into another shop on the way, but we keep walking. They then called all our names over the speaker to board, so we have to full on run. Considering we just downed a full meal in a short time and have both been sick, this did not have good reactions on our bodies. We get to the counter and Mikko turns to us and says “we’re not even the last ones!” This is not something to be proud of. The desk ladies say they're trying to get the flight to leave earlier, which causes Michelle to get angry for some reason.

On the plane, Michelle evidently thought she booked a row of five (which we did not) and thought this old Asian man was sitting in her seats. She plucked his boarding pass from his hands, realised she was wrong, and said nothing more on the matter. Obviously all the overhead lockers are full, but MMM find a way to shove their stuff up there (probably breaking other people’s things in the process). But no, we have our bags under our seats. But Mikko keeps getting up during the flight to get shit from their bags. If you need stuff, either get it out before or leave it under the seat in front of you. They kept calling the lady over to say they have a short connection, and she replied that they can get a fast pass.

We made a fool-proof plan for immigration. Max had to be accompanied and couldn't go through the E Gates, so he would go with Michelle while Mikko, Jasper and I went through the E Gate, so we could go and start collecting the bags. There was the population of a small country in line for the non E Gate entry. Our plan was foiled when Michelle called us out of line from the other side of the space. We go to the priority lane, where the lady there is saying we can only go to the fast pass if we’ve just flown business class and we can only have one person who can plus one someone else. But we have five! How do we solve this? Michelle shows her platinum cards and says we all have a tight connection and we’re a family so we have to go through because she’s a platinum member. The lady says no, we go through anyway. Max got in trouble because he kept speaking and trying to argue with the lady. After ten minutes or so, we get through and go to collect the bags (after picking up more trolleys). She finds eight, but has missed one so we have to wait for it to come around again.

We then walk to the departures area, where Jasper and I wait while Michelle checks the boys in. She then signals us to go outside (in a hurry). Turns out we’re in the wrong terminal. We had to go down to the transfer train (me still with one of the heaviest trolleys), discard the trolleys, get on the train, get off the train and go up to the check in. They have to check the bags before 4:05, and it was 3:45 on the train. Once we’re off, they waste more time getting trolleys (even though it still equates to two bags each and the suitcases by themselves would be much easier to wheel). With no goodbyes, they got through and left.

After what felt like forever, we got to our hotel which is VERY nice. We got an upgrade, so are now in a suite. Michelle has given us the bed and is sleeping on a trundle in the lounge so she doesn't wake us when she leaves early for work. We went for a walk to try and find a ticket sales booth to get tickets for A Comedy About A Bank Robbery tonight, and we were successful. We then hunted for a restaurant, and settled for this Italian place. The food was amazing, and I had the best pizza ever. We then went to the show (one of those underground theatres) and it was incredibly stupid-funny.

We’re now back in the room thank goodness. It’s been the longest day. Tomorrow we're meeting Matthew in the afternoon/night, so I might not get a chance to write the blog tomorrow. If not, I’ll write it the next morning.

PS credit to Jasper for taking notes about the travel so I didn't forget anything!

Sending our love from London xo

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thedistantstorm · 5 years

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Keep On Rising (Until The Sky Knows Your Name) 15

A story about how an orphaned Amanda Holliday comes to belong in the Last Safe City and the family she finds along the way.

(Or, the story of how Commander Zavala finds himself responsible for one Amanda Holliday.)

Chapters: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14

This time: Hideo makes his play. Zavala says goodbye to Karena.

There have been few times in Hideo's life that he has genuinely been afraid of Commander Zavala. He isn't a man who instills fear. He is direct and honest, leads by example and rewards those who do right by him with the most impressive loyalty.

So when he makes this meeting request, he expects it to be a joyous, thankful affair. It certainly begins lightly, Hideo bring his usual wine, Zavala politely sipping at half a glass.

"I had heard through the grapevine," He begins, swirling the wine in his glass to better release the bouquet, "That you were interested in adopting a child."

Zavala straightens, immediately. Tense. "And?" He asks, tersely.

"She was moved to one of New Monarchy's facilities, last week."

The intensity of the Commander's gaze is something to behold. Were it not directed at him, he might have noticed how crystalline it was, his irises a perfect marriage of aquamarine and sapphire. However, it was directed at him, and thusly, it was terrifying.

"She…" He knows the Commander will see through a fib, so instead he offers quietly, "It's clear she is struggling."

"Who told you as much?"

"I went to see her this morning."

Zavala sets down his glass with the finesse of a dainty woman, the majority of his wine completely forgotten. "Why."

That the Commander is not asking is not lost on him. "I simply wanted to confirm this was a legitimate issue," Hideo answers. "Certainly you're an important figure, and there are often nefarious plots to extort those figures."

"Is this one of them?" It's asked in an icy monotone, the curl of each word making his spine tingle. The Commander sits perfectly still, not a shred of emotion crossing his face, his eyes narrowed, eyebrows neutral and yet giving a very frightening contrast to his eyes. His skin flicks lazily with the aura beneath it, but it only reminds the Executor of a predator, poised to strike.

Every atom of his being screams one thing: I will not allow harm to befall those I care about.

Hideo holds up both hands to beg a truce. "Not at all, not at all." He laughs nervously. "I had followed up with the board of governors, and the administrator of the facility. I will see to your application's approval myself. Considering all you do for the City and her people, this should never have been an issue."

"Tell that to the child."

"I was not sure how to approach it with her. I didn't want to complicate the situation further."

Zavala folds his hands together on the table, nodding. "Will I be denied visitation again?"

"They did what?" Hideo's eyes bug out, comically wide. "Commander, I - I had no idea."

The Titan evaluates him carefully before reaching for the wine glass he discarded moments before. "I didn't imagine you would. I do not expect preferential treatment."

"It should still be afforded to you."

"I will accept it, this time, because it is not for my sake."

Hideo nods. "I - this isn't for New Monarchy. You have always protected the City's denizens and their interests. I simply wished to offer you the same courtesy."

In his mind, Zavala hears a sarcastic laugh courtesy of his Ghost, but he does not not react. "I appreciate that," He says. "You have my gratitude."

"Just… keep doing what you do, Commander. This City needs a strong leader like you."

Zavala senses the propaganda at the tip of the Executor's tongue, but the other man simply finishes his wine and rises.

"I will have a word with the Matron at the facility. If she gives you any trouble at all, I'll have her removed from the City."

"Executor."

Hideo laughs, smiling wide. "I'm kidding. She will be sorely reprimanded, though, for her lack of respect."

"I want her moved back to the Tower," Karena says to the physician. "Today. Right now."

The child is clinging to her. She'd been called the moment Hideo had finished speaking with Zavala, and had come immediately. Zavala himself wouldn't be able to come down until he'd finished for the evening. It would be late. Eva had offered, but Karena was determined to evaluate the damages for herself.

Amanda had yet to say more than a few words, not that she was a chattery child, but the last week seemed to cull her spunky side. It was clear she hadn't been eating, as well. Even now, she looked at the tray they'd given her with distrust. When Karena looked into it, she saw why. The evidence of crushed pills in the jelly-like applesauce was enough to turn her stomach too.

The physician sighs. "Ma'am, New Monarchy has the most state of the art-"

"She's a child, not a wild animal. Pills in her food? She deserves to know what she's being given and why."

"She was refusing," He presses.

"Now she's refusing to eat. See the issue?"

"I don't see how a new facility would change things," He tells her, gruffly. "And to be honest I didn't think the public health system had that kind of pull."

Karena runs a hand over Amanda's wild hair, smoothing through her tangled curls. The empathy in this place was certainly lacking. "It doesn't," She agrees. "But by the end of business today, it won't be the public health system calling the shots."

The facility's matron lingers in the doorway, approaching after the doctor leaves. "You didn't tell me who," She accuses, bluntly. "I would have gotten the Executor on the horn myself."

"Of course you would have,” Karena scoffs. Amanda flinches at the sound of the newcomer, pushing her head into Karena's knee. "He was in the room when I called you."

"They fired whomever refused him visitation. They'd remove me, but since you want her moved, I should be able to keep my job."

"Lucky you," Karena answers. "I wouldn't be around when he comes."

"He won’t be here," Gracie informs the other matron instead. "I was actually coming to tell you I called report to the Tower’s facility. I knew you'd want her moved, and the powers that be are more concerned with salvaging the situation than the money involved." Matron Gracie toes at the floor. "They'll pick her up in an hour. You can ride with her."

"There is some kindness left in your heart, after all," The senior matron marvels.

"It was nothing personal. This is my job, Kar', you know that."

"Oh, don't give me that, Grace. You were never like this before New Monarchy doubled your paycheck. You used to give everything to your children. It's why I recommended you." Karena shakes her head, unwilling to turn it into an argument with the child shaking beside her. "Thank you for expediting the process," She says. "It will make things easier."

She steps into the room. Amanda clutches at Karena almost painfully hard. "For what it's worth-"

"You should leave."

Grace hesitates, sighs, and does as her old colleague is asking.

Karena returns to stroking the child's hair. "Things will get better soon," She tells her. "You'll see."

It doesn't, though. They have to sedate her for the move. It's non-negotiable, mostly since the moment they get her into the shuttle she begins panicking, flailing about at the sound of the engine, babbling about convoys and rovers. It's not a stretch, the matron thinks. A combination of exhaustion and lack of nutrition leave her clammy and fevered, her stress levels clearly beyond whatever coping skills she'd learned already in her short life.

It's for the best that she’s knocked out, as the medical team taking over runs a myriad of tests on girl to see if there are any masked issues from her time in the other facility.

"She's already lost close to five pounds. They'll want to put a tube in to feed her," The new nurse says. "We should do it now before she wakes, she'll-"

"The Commander is coming by later. Let him work with her first. I'm certain she'll eat for him." Karena sighs. "I don't think we should be doing anything traumatic without telling her. She's had enough of that."

"If you're certain."

"I am," Karena tuts. "You'll be running things by him from here on, anyway."

It's the strangest thing. He's not entirely sure what he was expecting and honestly, he still had to squash the thought that he could not believe what he was doing. One minute he'd made up his mind, thinking he'd be able to ease into it with bureaucracy, and the next he's scrawling his name across legal documents with a shaking hand and it's done.

Permanent.

Surreal, he thinks. It's all rather surreal. And terrifying. He hadn't exactly asked her what she wanted, just assumed that perhaps she'd looked to him in a familial way because they'd encountered each other early on, and-

Oh, Traveler's crack, Shiori swears. Amanda loves you, stop being so paranoid.

None of her encouragement lessens his elevated heart rate. He's been keyed up all afternoon and into the evening. Even Cayde had found his behavior peculiar, watching him with a calculating stare befitting of a Hunter.

The Tower's medical facility was almost more familiar than his flat. Which reminds him that he needs to figure out a living situation. Even if New Monarchy did pull strings and the deed was done, she was in his care, he knew he'd have to make her a bedroom. As his thoughts spiral away into uncertainties and alleys of thought, Shiori chimes in again, serious, her elegant, almost biting tone a balm for the anxiety racking his mind.

Karena slips out into the hallway when she hears him approach, sliding the door shut behind her.

The lights in the room are dim, and the glare of fluorescent light on the glass door makes it hard to see anything but his own reflection. Still, that doesn't stop the Commander from trying to look over her shoulder.

"It was a bad day," She informs him softly. "A very bad week."

"We expected as much," He agrees.

"She was almost entirely non-verbal when I arrived. They had to sedate her on our way back. It reminded her of a rover. There are some psychological things you’ll have to face with her."

Zavala nods.

"She's still a bit out of it." Karena sighs. "Her response to some of the stress was to stop eating."

"Why?" His lips turn in a frown.

"They snuck pills in her food. I saw it today.” She pauses, wetting her lips. “She's a smart girl. They wanted her calm, but this just terrified her. She clung to my leg like they were going to drag her away kicking and screaming."

His eyes darken dangerously. "You don't think-"

"Oh, not at all. Some of it is irrational fear on her part. Their demeanor with her was standoffish, but nothing short of professional. She hasn't been harmed. She was simply trying to exercise some control over whatever she could."

He nods. It isn't rational, but he understands that the child doesn't know that.

"I won't be able to come by as often," She tells him. "But I'll try to, when I can."

"You've more than enough," He says warmly, accepting her gentle - but brief - embrace. "I cannot thank you enough.”

“Don’t be a stranger.”

“I won’t.” He promises.

Karena leaves right after. Then, it’s just the two of them. He takes a deep breath, his Ghost reminding him to breathe.

What if she doesn’t want this? He wonders again.

Shiori’s answer is immediate. She does, Zavala. Trust me.

He straightens his shoulders. “Alright,” He says to himself; As though he’s stepping into a warzone, boots on the ground, ready to go to war.

You’re such a dork, His Ghost tells him, but there’s affection woven into the static. Get in there, soldier.

Zavala opens the door.

#destiny fanfiction #commander zavala #executor hideo #amanda holliday #shipwright september #zavala is tower dad #watch what happens next #feels incoming

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leaveharmony · 5 years

Text

It’s so hard to type on the tablet so I did only the briefest of summaries at the time. An account of random Tana encounters in NYC over supercard weekend, cut for length.

Anyway - I’d promised @lone-gunwoman-of-the-week a new york postcard, which with one thing and another I had forgotten entirely about until Saturday, when we passed a big rack of them outside a touristy place down the street and I stopped dead and pointed, “POSTCARD!”

We were on a trek to Macy’s at the time, looking to get mum an emergency replacement purse because hers had blown out its zipper with all the stuff she was carrying in it - the last straw was after Wrestlecon when she couldn’t find her Metrocard, and then it just gave up the ghost.

(Macy’s was way too expensive as an aside - we ended up going to K mart lol. Those all closed here like two decades ago!)

So we got the postcard, and then a stamp at the other gift shop in the hotel...only I was in pretty rough shape so we decided to go back up to the room so I could actually write the postcard & address and such. So we went back down to mail it, conveniently at the letterbox at the other end of the lobby.

Like I say, @joshi-hashi by total coincidence booked us at the same hotel where the whole roster was staying, so over the course of three days I ran into / saw, including but probably not limited to: Kazu, Ishii, Sho & Yoh, Yano, Tacos, Goto, Shingo, Naito, EVIL, Will, Shibata & his lions, Juice, Zack (we kept riding the elevator with him lol), Jay, Tama, Haku, Yujiro, Gedo, Jado, Taguchi, Rocky, Ren, Shota, Red Shoes, Sato, Marty, MiSu, Taka, Kota, Kagatsu & a few of the other Stardom girls, Sumie...

Again, I was in rough shape and mum was faring no better, so in the window of time between waking up and the show, we could have gone and done more tourist stuff but after the subway disaster on Friday, we elected just to stay around home base, Saturday. And I needed to sit down, so we picked a spot on one of the long padded couches in the lobby to recoup a little. Not a minute later, Tacos, Goto & Yano rounded the bend from the elevator - we’d somehow managed to time it so that we were sitting there as literally everybody was making their way across to MSG for the show. Hand on heart, total coincidence...I just wanted to mail a postcard lol. As obviously times when you can just sit there comfortably and watch the whole NJPW roster walk past are fairly limited in number, we elected to stay a while. Kazu actually came from the direction of the doors but he did have a suitcase, so I have no idea where he’d been - he grinned at us when we waved though. Shota smiled too, Kota managed somehow to smile, wave and bow without even slowing down because that’s just the kinda guy he is. MiSu looked at us like we were nuts every time we waved lol but we kept doing it anyway. Most didn’t notice - I always feel like being to forward is rude so we just kept to our seat & waved rather than trying to get selfies or start a conversation - everybody was obviously all over everywhere and busy.

I couldn’t help myself on a very specific occasion, though. “We’ll wait til 3:30,” I said casually, fooling no one. We had the end bench right by the little dividing wall that obscures the elevators; he emerged nearly right next to me and I sprang up like a jack in the box. My hair was pigtailed and I had my hat on rather than the feathered headband & ponytail, and I was dressed like a normal human being rather than wrestling Cinderella, but he remembered me ^_^ I didn’t want to detain him or anything so we just clasped hands again & I wished him luck - though I guess it didn’t help much. But I was so happy just to see him again, for what I figured would be the last (probably only) time casually. Two really sweet Japanese ladies also spotted him on the way out and physically chased him down the lobby to say hi lol. The pillars were a little in the way but we could see him beaming while they gushed over him, and then they took a selfie. I guess they must have complimented his hair (which looked fucking amazing) because he told them getting it done for the show cost $300 lol. It absolutely looked it. We were still sitting there when they came back and of course they noticed my Tana shirt - they both had his shirts on too (I think he might have signed them on the spot cos they were both proudly showing me the autographs). So we had a really lovely chat in what they could manage in english (much much better than my broken Japanese). Rachel appeared not long after, summoned by my mention of Kota going past, and so we all talked a while. I just. I love wrestling lol and the kinship of wrestling fans.

Later, after Supercard (which was on whole at least live very good, apart from some really, really stupid decisions on ROH’s part) it was past midnight when we got back to the room; our airport shuttle was due to arrive at 3:05 last we’d heard, but mum had a text message waiting RE: a slight bump up to 3:15, something schedule or logistics related I guess. So we figured that there was no point going to bed as we’d maybe get two hours’ sleep before the wake up call and it’d be better to use the time packing and getting everything arranged. When more or less everything was, I went up to floor 12 to sit up at the common table with Elle & Rachel (admittedly I broke into a bit of a sprint when Elle texted to say Tana’d gone past lol). By another total coincidence as we were sitting there loudly discussing the show, an absolutely lovely gentleman who works in what sounded like a v. important position with NJPW World happened to walk past and overhear. He’s obviously got a vested interest, so he u-turned as I was saying “If someone had only just casually seen this as a first introduction they’d probably come away concluding New Japan is amazing and ROH is terrible.”

“New japan is amazing?” he echoed, to a chorus of Yes’s. So we had a chat for about twenty minutes giving him general feedback, telling him how we all met cos of NJPW, how we first heard about it, watch every show live, showed him all our costumes for the show, etc. He got a handle on Elle and Rachel’s names but kept calling me “Hiroshi” because he’d seen me the day before at Wrestlecon in my Tana dress lmao. He was a real sweetheart - a fan turned employee, living the dream. He thanked us for paying his salary, essentially lol. I should have thought to ask him about putting out an english subtitled version of Shinsuke’s Wonderland interview XD

But I had to run not long after he left, cos I’d cut it a bit fine with 20 minutes or so before the shuttle was scheduled. We weren’t sure if the driver would come looking or if we had to be outside, so mum checked the keycards while I ran to see if I could ask the doorman, figuring he/they would keep a better watch and know what to look for, or just know which way it would be. That early in the morning there wasn’t a doorman, though. So to play it safe we stayed by the doors just inside, keeping watch, figuring at about five min before the appointed time we’d go outside. “The lobby seems so empty without all the wrestlers in it,” mum remarked. I figured that late, everyone must have gone to bed already.

Not long after though, TAKA came in with uh...let’s just say ‘some lady friends’ and hope they were fully informed lady friends. “There, happy?” I said to mum, looking back towards the door in time to see Kota heading for it with a few of the accompanying entourage I figure must have been staff, translators and officials - they were everywhere too, this weekend. I thought for a split second, ‘Oh good, I’ll be able to congratulate him!’ before he faded to a gentle haze in the background, as the sun himself said something on the way past and walked on by the door, towards Macy’s. I don’t even think I said anything to mum but she probably understood when I took off at a dead sprint, not even bothering to drop my suitcase handle, just towing it behind me like a little red wagon. I blew past Kota without even looking at him (I’m so sorry dude!!!!) and went as fast as my poor abused knee could carry me the way he’d gone - he hadn’t gotten far, just tucked around a little corner by the entrance - I think he was gonna do another selfie or panoramic lol.

Again, the man is fucking unflappable, as he didn’t even raise an eyebrow when confronted with a disheveled, panting nutcase in a trenchcoat and newsboy cap being smacked in the back of her legs w/ her own suitcase at the abrupt stop. “We’re just waiting for our airport shuttle!” I blurted. “So I get to say goodbye!”

He actually managed to look happy to see me, bless his heart lol. He thanked me for the third time, for the doll I made him, and I just said thank you for everything. Again - I don’t like to be too forward, I don’t even think I could bring myself to ask for a hug, I’m too shy & too much of a headcase wrt fear of being a burden or an annoyance. But he came at me first, and when the Ace has his arms open to you, there is but one possible course, and that course is to throw yourself into them lol. He is a wonderful hugger :’) It’s like being wrapped in the embrace of everything that is good and pure in this world & that’s not even hyperbole, that was really how it felt.

I’m so glad I got to say goodbye. I mean...it would’t have broken my heart, you know? There’s always that “Oh maybe I’ll see him again at random” thought in the back of the mind but it’s utterly without expectation. But I was blessed enough to have the chance to speak to him twice, by chance.

It really was like a lil fairytale; my lil wrestling Cinderella dream come true in a way I never would have actually believed.

#Tanariffic #Rasslin'#Supercard Fairytale #Actual shining god of love & beauty

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lindzaylove · 6 years

Text

Ashleigh❤ Happy One Month~~~

@end-me-tm ❤❤❤❤❤❤

10/07: you definitely aren't the most confident gay with me, which makes me feel incredibly special. thank you for loving me and thinking i'm anywhere close to worthy of your time. i'm so happy to be yours and for you to be mine. i want us to last for as long as possible. thank you for giving October another reason to be my favorite month!

10/08: maybe i was overwhelmed with homework, maybe i just wasn't feeling my best. whatever reason, this evening around 6 o'clock i wasn't at my best. then you called, i heard your voice, and any doubts or insecurities washed away. i could spend hours listening to you talk (i kind of did oops) and there is no other way i would ever want to spend my time. to many more video chats♡

10/09: you're brilliant, how could you not know? you're one of the most intelligent people i know. you're also so talented. you radiate briliance and talent as if you were the sun, reminding me i am just the same. you show me i am better than what i think; you remind me i am more than what horrible idea of myself i have conceived. you'll never know how grateful i am for you.

10/10: not only are you brilliant, you're beautiful. you really are. you have no idea exactly how beautiful you are. your eyes, your hair, your smile, your teeth, your hands, your feet, everything. absolutely everything. never will a day go by that i don't think you are the prettiest girl on the planet and i will do everything in my power to remind you of that fact.

10/11: we don't have to talk everyday for me to know how i feel about you. that feeling is best described as "scared." i don't think i've cared about someone as much as i care about you. your name is always in my mind, creeping up on me just as i start to realize i miss you (which is like every five seconds). you're the best thing that has happened to me so far and i'm so scared to lose you. that's why you'll never lose me.

10/12: i hate confrontation, but the idea of losing you scares me more. i want to be as open with you as possible and i hope you'll do the same. the idea that i am your happiness makes me prideful, and i'd take being prideful than never making you smile. i can't wait for deep conversations and stupid laughter with you.

10/13: (i totally didn't forget to write this just because i went to bed happy) i am eternally grateful for you. you remind me of all the great things in life and i literally can't stop smiling because of you. you're absolutely amazing and i can't wait for all the amazing things i get to watch you accomplish. thank you for making me feel so loved and appreciated because i never get that. you're one of a kind and i'm so glad you're mine.

10/14: waking up to a message from you to talking the day away. i never wanted today to end. i never want days spent with you to end. from silent stares to beautiful smiles to random conversations to joyous laughter. never will i ever want another day to go by again. a day spent with soft giggles and random eye contact could never mean more to me. how lucky am i to have you?

10/15: "this is the happiness i've been praying for you to find ever since i met you" - my best friend after i got done talking about you. how crazy is it that one moment taken out of my time to message you led to this, to us? it's magnificent and reminds me of how wonderful life is. being happy has always been an uphill battle but now i am on even ground. thank you for making me smile like an idiot at my phone.

10/16: i rely on you a lot, even if i don't outwardly express it. you mean so much to me, your opinion matters to me, the consistency of you is what helps me feel whole when i feel like i'm shattering in pieces. everything makes sense with you. and despite all the crap i know we'll get, i want you. and only you.

10/17: when you tag me in cute things on Tumblr or screenshot my sappy paragraphs or send me good morning or good night snaps, my heart is full of love for you. but we're young and stupid and absolutely no where near perfect, yet that will never change the way i feel about you. you're mine. i'm yours. those kind of facts don't change.

10/18: busy days keep us apart, but when you tell me you miss me i feel a little bit better. my heart yearns to speak to you always, i want your name constantly in my notifications. i am so needy aha and thank you for not loving me any less for it.

10/19: i was busy? all day? for once? but that didn't mean i missed you any less, if anything i missed you more. i wanted to tell you about everything. i want to tell you it all, always. i'm constantly in want of your attention. it's because i love you. i love you a lot.

10/20: you're so cute. and even if i'm a big jealous goof, i'm glad you get along with my brother. i liked seeing you laugh and smile, even if part of it was from your friend + my brother and not from me. making you happy is my number one goal.

10/21: my girlfriend is so patriotic omg i want to listen to you talk about Scotland for the rest of our lives. you're just an adorable human being and you will never understand the effect you have on me. god i'm so lucky to have you.

10/22: you are my all. and, no matter what, i don't ever want to lose you. you're what makes me the most happy, the one that pulls me out of sadness with a smile. the way you talk, the way you smile, the way you get flustered if i stare too long. all of it, all of you, is my everything.

10/23: tag me in cute things. send me good morning messages. remind me you love me because i don't believe it. i need reassurance and i'm thankful that you fauthfully provide. lucky is what i became the moment i met you.

10/24: you are absolutely breathtaking. you're genuinely so beautiful. i can't fathom how lucky i am to have someone as amazing and as beautiful as you. i miss you always, but not because you're beautiful. i miss you because i know you make me a better person. without you, i fail. i need you.

10/25: not talking to you kills me. i want to talk to you constantly. missing you is what my whole existence is made of. you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. the thought of you lights up a smile on my face.

10/26: the world is bigger than us, but with you it feels so small. you're my rock but you also keep on disappearing. i love you, anyone can see that. somedays i'm just not sure if that's enough.

10/27: i'm sorry i'm so dumb and scared of what a wonderful thing we have. you make me so happy and i never want to do that. please never let me go because deep down next to you is the only place i want to be.

10/28: you are mine and if i ever get dumb enough to think you aren't, please smack me. i really do, honest to God, have so much love for you. my better half is you.

10/29: you are the reason my confidence has risen so much. you remind me how wonderful and beautiful i am. i hope i do the same for you.

10/30: whether we have pointless conversations about sixth graders or we have nice deep talks, i'll never get tired of talking to you. i know it's probably silly to others that when we video chat we don't talk the whole time, but i don't feel any less content just sitting and occasionally looking over and seeing you there. my heart hurts just thinking about it. i really am hopelessly in love with you.

10/31: halloween is meant to be spooky and scary, but you make me soft and weak. thank you for spending the majority of October being my number 1. to many more days, weeks, and months with you.

11/01: the idea of you having a playlist that reminds you of me makes me want to scream. you make me feel so wanted and needed. i can't describe the feeling in my chest when you call me babe. you're happiness in a person, an angel on earth, peace in a smile. you're what i want to have forever.

11/02: daily reminder that i love you

11/03: you are sweetness and kindness wrapped into one, surrounding me with the kind of support i need. thank you for always being there for me.

11/04: today was rough, in more ways than one. thank you for talking with me and calming me down - even if you didn't know that you did. you're amazing, the way you speak to me immediately calms me down and i find peace once again. thank you for being my rock, my hope, my love, and my peace. you're amazing.

11/05: good days are always good days when spent with you. you always make things easier and give me room to breathe. you're an angel, i swear it. God really blessed me with you.

11/06: you make bad situations good. you find a way to make me smile when all i am is mad. you're the brighter side of every shadow, reminding me life is worth taking another step.

11/07: Ashleigh. baby. most amazing person in my life, the whole reason i smile and laugh and can actually breathe now. a month with you, how crazy? so many deep talks, silent video calls, and innocent laughter. you're the sun, i swear it. you're an angel, i know it. you show me the parts of me i'm scared to acknowledge and you love them with your everything. you make me laugh when i can't think of doing anything but crying. you are the one i go to when i'm sad, scared, lonely, happy, giggly, soft, and everything in between. i wanna see you everyday, i wanna talk every minute. you're on my mind every day, you make me wanna be who i am. and i know i will never be able to thank you enough for what an amazing human being you are. so here's a few for now: thank you for being goofy. thank you for being kind. thank you for being you. thank you for showing me even though i suck sometimes, you'll love me anyway. happy one month baby, to many more.

#ashleigh😍#❤❤❤#one month uwu #lots of uwus #no one cares lindzay shut up #:)

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taexual · 6 years

Text

I Want Desire [4] / Mark x Reader

OTHER PARTS: 01 - Got7 Mafia AU / 02 / 03 / 04 / 05 / 06 / 07 / 08 / 09 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15 - The End

Mark doesn’t really see that his logic is fucked up. He says he doesn’t want you… but he does. He says doesn’t care about you… but he does. He says he isn’t falling in love with you…

Pairing: Mafia AU!Mark x Reader

Warnings: angst & strong language

Words: 4.2k

This was highly requested so I’m posting this ahead of time! I based this on the plot that anon suggested. x

Mark wasn’t in your room when you got home. And thank God for that because otherwise, he would have witnessed you cry and that was the last thing you wanted him to see. Not that he would have cared. Clearly, all he wanted from you was sex. He couldn’t have cared less about your actual well-being.

As you took deep breaths in an attempt to fight the tears off, you kept asking yourself why in the hell did you sleep with him in the first place? Did you seriously think he was no longer a dick despite the fact that he always treated you horribly? Honestly, did you expect him to change overnight?

And suddenly you were crying not because of Mark’s heartless rejection but because of your naive heart that thought he would actually turn out not to be a bad guy, despite being a member of the Mafia.

A few hours later, when it seemed as if you’ve cried all of your tears, someone knocked on your door.

“Y/n?” Grace’s quiet voice asked. “Are you okay? Mark says he hasn’t seen you and he’s being weird in general. What’s wrong?”

Not knowing how to tell her that instead of following her advice and being careful about your relationship with her brother, you jumped headfirst into Mark’s trap and ended up getting hurt. You were certain that Grace would just say, “I told you so” if you told her about the talk you had with him on the phone on your way from the meeting with Uchida.

Afraid to open your mouth in case it’d be obvious that you’ve been crying, you quickly wiped your eyes with the back of your hand, mildly panicking when you saw the remains of your mascara on the white sleeve of your shirt.

Sighing, you realized that you couldn’t possibly talk to her without her finding out that you were crying. Unless you ignored her until she went away. That wasn’t very nice but desperate times called for desperate—

And Grace was in your room.

Jumping up from the bed, you watched her put the hairpin – that she obviously used to pick the lock of your room – back in her hair and smile at you before noticing your teary eyes and the make up that was streaming down your face.

“What did he do?” she asked immediately.

You shook your head, sitting back down on the bed. “It’s just my stupidity, Grace. He didn’t do anything.”

“No, he did something,” she disagreed, sitting on the bed next to you. “Tell me what, Y/n. You know you can trust me.”

It took you a couple of moments to gather yourself before you felt like you could talk long enough without breaking down again.

“I like him a lot,” you started off, thinking that admitting the most painful part at the very beginning, would make the rest easier. “Like, I’ve never liked anyone in that way before, Grace.”

“Oh, babe,” she sighed, already knowing where this was going, so she wrapped her arm around your shoulders, pulling you closer to her.

“And I swear, I thought he felt the same way,” you said, sniffling. “We argued, sure, but that escalated and then he got… clingy. Like he kept texting me the whole day today. And then I called him about the ball. He told me that he was just fucking around with me. That he didn’t realize he’d suddenly be obligated to take me to balls.”

“Oh, that sounds like something my brother would say,” Grace groaned. “Listen, do you want me to talk to him about this? Kick his ass, perhaps?”

“No, Grace,” you shook your head. “I don’t want to fall down to his level. And besides, he’s right, he shouldn’t feel obligated to take me anywhere.”

“He’s not right,” Grace disagreed. “He’s your husband. He is obligated to take you places, whether you’re actually getting along or not. Though, I can only assume, you don’t really want him to take you anywhere anymore, do you?”

“I don’t,” you confirmed. “I don’t even want to see him.”

Grace nodded, understanding. “Here’s my offer. Call Mr. Uchida. Tell him you’ll come to the ball with a plus one.”

“You want me to lie to him? Because, frankly, at this point, I don’t even feel like going myself.”

“Oh, you’re going,” she said, releasing you and standing up from the bed. “Call him right now. Don’t specify who you’ll be coming with, though.”

“And if he asks?” you said, wiping your tears away again.

“Change the topic and hang up,” Grace told you, picking up your phone from the nightstand and handing it to you. “Do it right now, so I can hear what he says.”

Sighing, you dialed Uchida’s number and tried to calm your breathing while you waited for him to pick up.

“Uchida’s office,” he answered in a few seconds. “What may I help you with?”

“Hi, Mr. Uchida, this is Y/n Tuan,” you said, the name slipping off your tongue as if it was second nature even though you’ve only been married to Mark for a few months. “I hope I’m not bothering you.”

“Not at all, Miss Tuan!” he said and then quickly realized, correcting himself. “Mrs. Tuan. How may I help you?”

“I just wanted to call you and let you know that I’m really looking forward to your ball,” you said. “I’ll be coming with a plus one, after all, if that’s okay with you.”

“Of course, it’s okay,” Uchida replied, no longer in such a cheery tone. “I’ll write this down and I’ll be waiting to meet you and your… date.”

You smiled a little, glad that he didn’t use the words ‘your’ and ‘husband’. “Me too, Mr. Uchida. Thank you for working with us. I will see you at the ball.”

“I’m already looking forward to it,” he said. “Goodbye, Mrs. Tuan.”

You said your goodbye and hung up the phone, looking up at Grace who seemed to be deep in thought about something.

“Great work,” she told you when you placed your phone back on your nightstand. “Now all that’s left is finding you a plus one…”

“Wait,” you frowned. “Are you saying I’ll actually be going to the ball with someone?”

“Of course, sweetheart,” Grace gave you an encouraging smile. “You can’t miss the ball just because my brother is being an ass about it. I’ll find you a date. Hey, would you say you prefer serious, nerdy guys or… more laid-back guys who gave off this badass vibe?”

You sighed. “Badass vibe.”

“Right, of course,” Grace nodded knowingly as if she should have seen this answer coming. “I’ll find you one who won’t break your heart, okay? In fact, I can think of one guy at the top of my head, who’d be—”

“Grace!” Mark’s voice sounded from the hallway. “Where the fuck are you?”

Grace saw the way your eyes widened at this sound. Realizing that she didn’t lock the door after she entered your bedroom, she sprinted across the room before Mark decided to look for her here, and locked the door, hoping he didn’t hear it.

He did.

“What the fuck?” he asked, confused. “Grace, are you in there?”

“Yeah,” Grace called out to him. “Go away.”

“We have a meeting in five minutes,” Mark reminded her. “About the work at the bar next week? Remember?”

“Tell them I don’t feel well.”

“Fuck off, Grace,” Mark groaned. “What are you even doing in Y/n’s room?”

“That’s none of your business,” she said. “Now go. I have important stuff to do.”

“Listen, if it’s about the—”

“I said go, Mark,” Grace repeated loudly, not wanting you to hear whatever he was going to say.

“Fine,” Mark snapped. “But if you get shit for missing the meeting, I’m not standing up for you.”

“I can stand up for myself,” Grace shot back.

She waited a few more moments to see if Mark would reply anything, and when he didn’t, she unlocked your bedroom to check if he really walked away. The hallway was empty, which meant that he did.

Locking the door again, Grace turned to look at you sitting on the bed. You seemed so small and fragile to her that her heart broke at the sight of you like this and for a quick moment, she wanted to strangle her brother. But she had a better idea how to show him his place.

“So, where was I?” Grace said, walking back to you. “Ah, right. There’s this guy. Adam. He’s not in the Mafia, but we did some work with him a couple of months back, and he’s really cool. Constantly wears leather jackets. I think he’d be your type. I don’t mean you should date him or anything but I think you’d like him.”

“What are you saying?” you asked.

“I’m saying I’ll text him and ask if he’s free on the night of the ball,” Grace said. “And then I’ll set you two up. Voilà.”

You considered this. “What if he turns out to be an asshole?”

“Sweetie, I’m not telling you to fall in love with him,” Grace said in a softer tone. “I’m saying go to the ball with him. Make Mark see what he’s missing.”

“Wait, what?” you frowned. “Are you only doing this to get a reaction out of Mark?”

Grace shrugged her shoulders. “Might be worth a shot.”

“Grace, I told you, he doesn’t give a shit about me. He won’t care who my date to the ball is.”

“Y/n, I know my brother. Let me be the judge of what he’ll care about, okay?” Grace said. “Now, wait for just a second, while I try to get a hold of Adam.”

You sighed, choosing not to argue with her further. You didn’t even care about the ball anymore. You didn’t care about anything. You just wanted to fall asleep and hopefully wake up and somehow no longer be married to Mark.

“There we go,” Grace’s voice said, waking you up from your dream world. “Adam says he’s free. Oh, and we’re also meeting him for drinks this Friday night.”

“What?” you widened your eyes. “Grace, no. I don’t want to.”

“Come on, it’ll be fun. And we won’t have to stay for long, just a few hours tops,” she said. “You’ll get to know Adam a little and hopefully this will help you take your mind off my brother.”

Not having it in you to put up a proper fight, you just sighed again. “Fine. Can I take a nap right now? I’m tired.”

“No naps,” Grace said strictly. “You’re going to get your ass up, take a shower, put make-up on, and smile. You own this day. Don’t let my brother take that away from you.”

“I really don’t feel like smiling.”

“Yeah, well, fake it till you make it.”

You had to admit, taking a shower did help you feel better. It relaxed your hurting body and maybe calmed your aching heart down, too.

However, every day after that one was still a torture, no matter how many relaxing showers you took. You did not see Mark but, when Friday came, you still didn’t feel like going out to drink. You just wanted to stay locked up in your room the whole night but you knew that this wouldn’t save you from Grace. You couldn’t hide in the house of a Mafia family.

The longer you stayed here, the more it sucked.

Since it was obviously not going to work out with Mark, at least not after he clearly let you know that he’s not planning to fall in love with you anytime soon, you started to think that maybe it’d be worth a shot to talk to his family about this. Maybe they’d let you leave.

The sudden realization that maybe there was a way out of this marriage excited you and you grabbed your make-up bag with a small smile already on your face.

Right as you were adding finishing touches of mascara on your eyelashes, Grace entered your room again. The girl didn’t bother about knocking. She just preferred to pick locks wherever she went.

“There’s just no such thing as privacy to you, is there?” you asked her.

She laughed. “I’m glad you turned into Miss Sassy. How are you feeling?”

You shrugged your shoulders, choosing not to tell her about your idea to attempt to get to leave this house and this family behind. Grace was probably going to be the only person you’d miss if you did leave.

“A little better, I guess,” you said. “I still don’t feel like going out, though.”

“Too bad,” Grace said with a teasing smile. “Have you chosen an outfit yet?”

“Yeah, I’ll wear my skinny jeans and—”

“No, no, no,” she shook her head, already opening your closet without your permission. “You’re wearing a dress.”

“I don’t like to—”

“Shh,” she silenced you. “I know you have some incredible outfits hiding here.”

You groaned as you listened her go through your racks of clothes until she finally stopped and pulled out a rack with a black, glittery dress. You had only worn it once before. It was last year, during New Years, when your friends convinced you to go out drinking and then ended up abandoning you. The dress was way too short and you wore your coat over it as you headed home early.

“This is incredible,” Grace said, softly touching the material as she held the dress up for you to see.

“Grace, I’m not wearing that.”

“Oh, you so are,” she said, placing the dress on the bed. “I’ll leave now but when I come back, you better be wearing this with the best pair of high heels you own. Promise me you’ll do that.”

“Grace—”

“Promise me.”

When a member of the Mafia tried to convince you of something, they used their negotiation voice, and although you’ve lived with this family for about two months now, you still trembled a little when they used this voice on you.

“I promise,” you sighed, having no other choice but to give in.

When Grace left, you watched the dress for a moment. You tried to convince yourself that maybe it wouldn’t look this bad this time and decided to try to put it on.

Carefully slipping out of your current clothes, you pulled the dress over your head, already feeling like it ended just below your ass, revealing way too much skin. You walked to the mirror and were proven correct. It ended just above your mid-thigh. It was way too provocative and you didn’t know why you bought it in the first place.

While you were debating to rip the dress to shreds before Grace saw it, someone entered your bedroom again and you flinched. Turning your head, you saw Grace freeze by the door.

“You look stunning,” she said and then jokingly added, “If only both of us weren’t married…”

You laughed at this. “Shut up. I’m not wearing this. It’s too short.”

“Honey, no. It’s perfect. It accentuates the length of your legs. And if you wear high heels, literally every single person who sees you will faint because you’ll look like an actual goddess,” Grace said, approaching you and glancing at your reflection in the mirror.

You sighed, pulling out your black pumps that were elegant enough to make the dress look less skimpy. Grace waited until you put them on and then gasped when she saw what you look like once your outfit was complete.

“Look at you,” she said, smiling widely while you looked at your reflection in the mirror, biting your lip. “You own the world, sweetheart. Believe in it.”

“I don’t know…” you hesitated, feeling uncomfortable in this clothing. “I feel like it’s missing something.”

“Y/n, the only thing this outfit is missing is your confidence,” Grace said. “Now, hold your head up high, look murderous, don’t smile at anyone, and let’s go.”

You grabbed your jacket and the two of you left the house without running into anyone else on the way. And thank God for that. You feared that you’d run into Mark right after you left your room. But, apparently, Mark wasn’t even home. Maybe luck was finally on your side.

Adam was already at the club when you and Grace arrived. He greeted both of you by gallantly kissing your hands and you had to admit, you were a little flustered by this action. Besides, Adam was really attractive. However, – as your brain sadly reminded you – he wasn’t Mark.

Adam insisted on paying for drinks. In fact, he looked almost offended when you and Grace pulled your wallets out. He left you two sitting in the booth at the back of the club, while he went to get you drinks at the bar.

“So, what do you think about him?” Grace asked once he left.

You shrugged your shoulders. “He seems alright. Cute. Has manners.”

“I know,” Grace nodded. “Now that I think of it, he’s probably the exact opposite of—”

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

Shivers immediately ran down your spine at the sound of this voice. You didn’t even need to turn around to know who was talking.

Apparently, luck was not on your side, after all.

“Mark?” Grace gasped after turning around to see her brother behind you. “What the fuck are you—”

“I’m on patrol here tonight,” he shot back. “You would have known that if you had gone to that meeting a week ago. Father’s unhappy about that, by the way.”

Grace quietly cursed herself and then turned to look at you with apologetic eyes. “Y/n, I’m so sorry, I didn’t—”

“Here we go,” Adam said, placing three glasses on the table in the booth and then raising his head to see your distressed face. “What happened?”

“What the fuck is he doing here?” Mark spat angrily at the sight of Adam.

Confused, you looked at Grace.

“Oh,” she said, leaning in closer to you. “I might have forgotten to mention that Mark doesn’t really like Adam.”

“That’s just lovely,” you snapped back sarcastically.

“Grace, did you think of this?” Mark asked again, approaching your booth.

Adam stepped forward to block his way. “Whoa, hey, I don’t remember you being invited, friend.”

“Back off,” Mark told him with threatening eyes.

Grace stood up from the booth, realizing that her plan to get Mark to admit his real feelings was about to backfire and it wasn’t even the night of the ball yet.

“Guys, guys,” she said, carefully stepping over you to exit the booth. “Why don’t we talk about this like adults. Or better yet, Mark, you leave to do your job.”

“I’m not fucking leaving,” Mark’s eyes burnt lasers into his sister. “You drag my wife out to have drinks with—”

“Hold up,” you frowned as you stood up from the booth. “I’m your wife now, all of a sudden?”

Mark turned to look at you, preparing to snap something back but his breath got caught in his throat at the sight of you. He has never seen you in clothes like that before and he had to do a double take to make sure he wasn’t seeing things.

He cleared his throat, losing the confidence he just had. “Y-Yeah.”

“Is that so?” you snapped, using the fact that he was caught off guard to your advantage. “Because I swear I remember you telling me you weren’t obligated to do shit for me even if we were married."

“So this is what you do, huh?” Mark asked, regaining his balance in seconds. “You go out with other guys as soon as I tell you no, yeah?”

“I’m pretty sure I can go out with whoever I want to,” you said, crossing your arms on your chest and not feeling the way your dress lifted just an inch, revealing a little more skin. “Because there’s nothing going on between you and me.”

Mark swallowed, having noticed that your dress lifted. He didn’t think it was fair to have this argument with you when you looked like that because he was slowly starting to not think with his brain anymore.

“Let’s give them a moment,” you heard Grace whisper to Adam, who didn’t look very happy about what was happening but nodded nevertheless.

“No moment is needed!” you called out to them before they could leave. “Mark is leaving.”

“You fucking wish,” Mark said, taking a threatening step towards you. “I’m taking you home.”

“You’re not fucking taking me anywhere,” you shot back.

Grace, having noticed that you were standing up for yourself, pulled Adam further away from you and Mark so you could talk it out. She still stayed close by, though, in case you needed back-up.

“Stop causing a scene,” Mark told you, rolling his eyes.

“I’m not causing anything,” you replied. “It’s you who came up to us and started yelling.”

“Oh, so you wanted me to stay quiet and just watch some wanna-be gangster who can’t even get a date on his own flirt with my wife?”

“Why the fuck do you care?!” you shouted desperately. “You were explicitly clear about what you want from me. Why the fuck are you getting pissed off when I go out with people who actually want to get to know me?”

“You think he wants to get to know you?” Mark scoffed. “When you’re wearing that? Baby, sorry to break it to you, but he’s just waiting until the end of the night so he could fuck you.”

Clenching your jaw, you resisted the urge to slap him. You knew that violence was never the answer, but God, Mark was really testing your limits.

“You know what, Mark?” you decided to say. “Maybe he will get to fuck me.”

You hadn’t realized that your words provoked him even more.

“What did you just say?” he asked, his eyes immediately turning a few shades darker.

“You heard me,” you said, standing your ground even though you were starting to feel intimidated by the look in his eyes.

“Is that why you wore this dress?” Mark snapped. “To get him to want you?”

Remembering Grace’s advice to fake it till you made it, you smirked at him with pretend-confidence. “I don’t need to wear a skimpy dress to get him to want me.”

Mark’s blood was boiling, you could see it in the way he squinted his eyes and clenched his fists. Probably for the first time in his life, he realized that he wasn’t in control of the situation anymore.

“You’re going to regret saying that,” he warned you.

“I really doubt it,” you said, taking a step forward. “Now, excuse me, I have to go. Grace and Adam are waiting for me.”

You tried to step around him, but Mark moved, blocking your way.

“If you thought for one second that I was going to let you go back to that fucking loser,” he growled. “You’re fucking wrong.”

Feeling anger explode into your bloodstream, you leaned into him.

“If you thought for one second that I was going to follow your orders,” you whispered in a menacing tone. “You’re fucking wrong.”

Mark obviously wasn’t expecting so much resistance from you. Parting his lips in surprise, he watched your eyes for a moment before his gaze traveled down to your lips. You were so close to him, he could feel your perfume overcome his senses. As soon as you heard him inhale shakily, you pulled away.

You used this moment to step around him and were already on your way towards Grace and Adam, when he recovered, and grabbed your arm, stopping you.

“Y/n, you’re—”

“Let her go,” Grace stood up from her booth.

Surprised to suddenly hear her voice, Mark let go of your hand. Not wasting any time, you walked away from him and sat down in the booth next to Adam, all while Mark’s eyes followed you. You didn’t do this on purpose, it was just that Adam was sitting with his back turned to Mark, and you really didn’t want to look at Mark anymore.

“Whose side are you fucking on, Grace?!” Mark yelled, throwing his arms in the air. “I’m your fucking brother!”

“You fucked up,” Grace told him. “You need to let her go.”

“I’m not fucking letting her go. She’s my wife!”

“Prove it,” Grace challenged him.

“What?” Mark frowned.

“Find a way to prove that she’s your wife,” she told him. “In the meantime, leave her be. You have no right to her.”

“Grace, you’re fucking mental. She’s my wife. She belongs to me!”

You finally stood up and turned around, no matter how much you didn’t want to see him. “I don’t belong to you. I belong to myself.”

It looked like Mark finally understood what was happening when he was left standing alone in the club while you and Grace sat back down in the booth, exchanging meaningful glances that he couldn’t decipher.

It looked like Grace’s plan had worked after all. Mark realized that he fucked up and was going to lose you if he didn’t do anything about it, although he couldn’t yet understand why he didn’t want to lose you.

As Mark turned around to leave, he decided that this was the last time he was going to let you win. You were his and he was going to prove it to everyone.

This is purely fictional. Real-life people are in no way connected to the characters in this story. The characters have no relation to their real-life selves, either.

#got7 #got7 reactions #got7 imagines #got7 mafia au #got7 scenarios #kpop reactions #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios #kpop mafia au #kpop scenario #got7 fanfiction #kpop fanfiction #got7 angst #kpop angst #mark tuan #got7 mark au #mark tuan fanfiction #got7 mark

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phandomsecretvalentines · 6 years

Text

(darling don't be afraid) i will love you

Happy late-vday-early-bday @ryn-exe (can’t tag?)!!! Hope u enjoy, soz if it’s not good but i’m not so amazing(phil)

This is 2.1k words. There’s a bit of dream-violence (not in detail) and a lot of anxiety and fear so if u don’t like that stuff!! Tell me!!!! And i’ll write something else for you, i don’t mind. (You didn’t say anything i wasn’t supposed to write but idk). I’d describe this as hurt/comfort i think lmaooo

Basic summery i wrote fo myself: Dan and Phil, and how they deal with each other’s 3am fears (2009 vs 2018, now)

From a pitch-hitter 💓💓

——

[Saturday; 10.26.09; 03:37]

——

Dan<33 (03:37): phil? :[

Phil (03:45): Yrha

Phil (03:47): Sorry!! Yeah**

Phil (03:47): Why are you up so early/late?? I barely woke up

Dan<33 (03:49): sorry i woke you :/

Dan<33 (03:50): my parents went away for a bit and i’m home alone and i cant turn off the lights cuz im too scared

Dan<33 (03:51): and i can’t sleep so bad even hugging pillow cant help mee :[[

Dan<33 (03:52): so im sitting in the hallway with every light im the house on alone in just my pants

Dan<33 (03:52): and i was a idiot and missed you so i woke you up at so late and now ur gonna hate me crap

Dan<33 (03:52): sorry

Phil (03:53): I’ll never ever hate you dan!!! <<33333333333333

Phil (03:53): I’m sorry ur so scared :[[ I wish I was there to be strong and protect u again

Dan<33 (03:54): i wish you were here too

Phil (03:54): :[ <3

Dan<33 (03:58): CDAP PHIL I THINK I HESRF A GHOST

Dan<33 (03:58): IR MONSTER

Dan<33 (03:58): FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Phil (03:59): Dan oh my gosh are you okay??

Dan<33 (04:00): yeah i think but

Dan<33 (04:00): i heard something phil

Dan<33 (04:01): im scared

Dan<33 (04:02): i can’t believe im 18 and i’m actually sobbing out of fear alone and naked in a hallway over a fucking noise

Dan<33 (04:02): to my boyfriend

Dan<33 (04:02): on skype

Dan<33 (04:03): fuck

Phil (04:03): Dan :[[ i’m so sorry

Dan<33 (04:04): it’s not your fault

Phil (04:04): Want me to call you??? (If u want)

Dan<33 (04:05): can we skype instead?

Dan<33 (04:05): i want to see your face plz <3

Dan<33 (04:05): if thats okay

Phil (04:06): That’s fine! One sec plz :]

——

[Phil would like to add Dan<33 to a call (02:33)]

[Accept] [Decline]

[Accepted]

——

When Dan answered the call, his face was red and puffed and wet. Even through the crap-pixel screen quality, Phil could see that.

“Hey,” Dan’s voice broke.

“Hi,”

Dan was shaking slightly.

His face suddenly flushed, “Oh shit, I forgot – I’m, uh, in only pants. In front of you. Crap.”

“It’s fine, I’ve seen you shirtless before.” Phil smiled what he hoped was reassuringly, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah — I mean, I am now. I guess.”

“Are you cold?”

“Kinda.” Dan admitted.

“Want to go to bed?”

“My room is too dark –”

“Well, I’ll be there, wont I? And I’ll protect you from everything bad in the dark.”

“You’re not really here.”

“Only ever a few hours away. And if worst comes to worst, I have the police line and the monster-killer line. So you’ll be super safe.”

Dan muffled a giggle, “Yeah, okay.”

He shuffled up off the floor, and made his way into his bedroom, clutching the laptop tightly.

“I dunno if I’m getting any sleep tonight, honestly.”

“You will! You can cuddle your pillow and I’ll tell you stories until the demons go away and you can sleep.”

“I’m not five, Phil.” There was no malice in his reply.

“You don’t need to be five for any of that to be true.” Phil said, serious tone.

“Okay,”

Minutes later, Dan was snuggled under his covers; hugging a pillow tightly as he listened to Phil go on about some guy at the market.

“Then, he pulled a hot dog out of his left pocket. Who keeps a single —”

“Phil?” Dan interrupted, his voice was dripping with sleep.

“Mm?”

“Do you think I’m stupid?”

“No.” Phil answered simply.

“I mean – for being so scared of such dumb stuff. Seven-year-olds are braver than me.”

“It’s okay to have fears, Dan. I bet you’re not the only adult with those fears either,”

“I’m scared of the dark. And ghosts and monsters and moths and demons and –”

“– and that’s fine. I don’t mind.”

“And it’s not annoying to deal with? I’m not?”

“You will never be annoying to ‘deal with’; I promise.”

Phil meant it.

——

[Monday; 12.07.09; 02:59]

——

Phil :]]]<333333 (02:59): Dan?

Dan (03:00): yeah??? <3

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:03): I’m scared

Dan (03:04): of what :[[

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:04): I dunno it’s just creaky downstairs and I’m alone for the night I guess

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:04): Nvm

Dan (03:05): no tell me i want to help u

Dan (03:05): plz

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:07): Well it’s just that

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:08): It’s really dark and windy

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:08): And there was a tree snapping against my window I thought our house might’ve blown down

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:09): And I thought i heard thunder which usually isn'tn too bad but right now its scaring me a bit

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:10): I don’t wanna be alone rn is all

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:10): But i am brave! So it’ll be okay i think

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:10): Don’t worry about me <33

Dan (03:11): i want to worry :[

Dan (03:11): you don’t always have to be brave <333 ily and i would give you the biggest hug if i were there

Dan (03:12): and tell the trees and thnder to fuck off and let you sleep

Dan (03:12): and then we would sleep all cuddled up togerher like we do sometimes and it would be warm and nice

Dan (03:14): i wish i were there with you

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:15): You will be someday so it’s okay now too :]

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:15): But plz tell the trees and thunder to fuck off it’s very loud :’[[[

Dan (03:16): if u call me i will????

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:17): Lol okay :p

——

[Incoming call from Dan]

[Accepted]

——

“Hi!” Dan really should be quieter; last time he called Phil at three in the morning his dad had yelled at him.

“Hi,” Phil’s sleep-laced voice answered.

A booming crack of thunder, and a whimper.

“Don’t worry – it… won’t hurt you.” Despite everything, Dan was sometimes still quite new to the role of 'comfort’ in their relationship.

“I know, just loud.”

Dan wished he was like Phil. He wished he could just pull out an intresting story, a funny idea.

“Sorry.”

He wasn’t like Phil, though.

“Want to play a game?”

“What game could we possibly play through a phone call?” Dan could practically hear Phil rolling his eyes.

Dan wracked his brain for quick ideas.

“Eye-Spy?”

“We’re… not in the same room Dan.”

“Yeah, true.”

Dan’s room suddenly felt rather empty and uninteresting.

Dan felt empty and uninteresting.

“What do you want me to do?” He finally muttered.

He held his breath.

“I just like hearing your voice, it calms me down. I like when you rant about things you love.”

Let it out.

“Oh. Well – want to hear my never-ending thoughts on WALL-E then?”

“Definitely.”

——

[Sunday; 02.04.18; 04:12]

——

“Phil?”

“Mhm?” He rolled over and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, “What’re you doing up?”

“There was a moth.”

“A moth?”

“Yes!” Dan looked around the room nervously, rolling on his heels, “It’s in the lounge somewhere and I can’t sleep knowing it’s out there — lurking.”

Phil groaned.

“Fucking kill it! Or set it free, I dunno. I just need it gone.”

“You are truly the perfect mix of 'needy child’ and 'angry businessman’, Danny.”

“Fuck off.”

“Mm, lemme get a cup then.”

Phil shoved on his glasses and stumbled out of bed into the kitchen, Dan following closely behind.

“Where was it again?” He asked, grabbing a wine glass from the cupboard.

They hadn’t really drank much alcohol these past few years– since Dan had gone on antidepressents— but they still always kept the glasses, to drink Ribena and seem fancy.

“No! You’ll need a bigger cup, it’s huge.” He whined.

“Okay,” he grabbed another glass, “where is it?”

“In the lounge last I saw.”

“I’ll go look, you get a piece of paper.”

Genuine terror painted over Dan’s face, “I don’t want to be alone.”

“Christ’s sake Dan, it’s a moth, not an armed burglar. I think you’ll live.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. Now, just go a minute.”

He then ventured into the lounge, still half-drowned by sleep, when he heard a shriek.

“Dan?”

“Phil! Fucking help!”

Anyone else might’ve thought Dan was being held at gunpoint from the panicked way he was yelling.

“Coming!”

He went into the hall; Dan was standing there, paralysed with fear, as a giant moth flew circles around him. He had tears threatening to fall.

“Oh dear,”

Phil went over to the closet and grabbed a broom, spent a few go’s waving it around– and almost hitting Dan in the process— before smacking it head on.

“Aw, now I feel bad for killing it,” He whispered.

Dan was on the floor now, shaking, tears stained down his cheeks. He was in only pants.

And Phil was there.

“Well, the moth’s gone now isn’t it?” He crouched down next to Dan, putting his hands gently on his shoulders.

“Mmm,” Dan had his head tucked in his knees.

“Are you okay?”

Silence.

“That’s fine. Want me to make you some tea?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

A few minutes later, in the kitchen, with dried cheeks; “I can’t believe how much of a wimp I am.”

The kettle rang, and Phil took it off the stove carefully.

“No —”

“I know, I know, my therapist told me. 'It’s never weak to have fears’. But I cried over a fucking moth. In our hallway. It’s late and –”

“– and that’s okay.”

“It’s not okay Phil!”

“It’s fine in the moment, that’s what I mean.”

He grabbed a NASA mug, and poured the boiling water in a teapot.

“I must be exhausting.”

Phil dropped in a teabag.

He still remembered. It was a promise made at 4am; a promise over Skype to a more-than-slightly-terrified eighteen year old.

A promise made to a bunch of pixel’s with a name and a face and fear.

A promise his Dan probably didn’t even remember, honestly.

“No, I promised that much.”

“Mhm,”

He poured the tea.

“So, two sugars or three?”

“Two.”

——

[Friday; 02.16.18; 05:12]

——

Dan was on the sofa; snuggled up in blankets and watching the winter Olympics through his small Iphone screen. His eyes were heavy, he yawned.

Their bedroom door squeaked opened.

“Hey,” Phil spoke quietly.

“Up so late?”

“You’re up too.”

“Well — I’m watching the Olympics. You know it’s on late in the UK.”

“Alright.” Phil shuffled into the kitchen, grabbing a glass and leaving the cupboard door wide open.

“Why are you awake?”

“Just another nightmare, s'fine.”

“Then why did you come out here?”

His voice might’ve been read as upset – he was just tired. Half the time Dan honestly didn’t mean to come off so rude.

“Dunno,”

“What was it about?”

“Uh — I think my family was trapped, you included, and I was the only person who could save them. But I had to do something… I think, I had to open a lock to somewhere? But I was too nervous. I saw everyone die; I knew it was my fault. I saw – you know, blood. Not too much. But it’s fine.”

As he spoke, he went over to the sink and got a glass of water, adding iced-cubes; his tone was unnaturally cool and casual.

“But I heard your skull shatter –”

“What the fuck —”

“Sorry! You asked though.”

“No – I mean, that’s horrible. Jesus christ, are you okay?”

Phil shrugged, “It happens, it’s okay though. Just a dream.”

It was only at that moment Dan noticed Phil’s eyes were a little too redded, his words a little bit shaky.

Phil started back to their room.

“Are you going back to sleep?”

“Probably.” His reply was tired.

“Oh – uh, well, why don’t you stay with me and watch the Olympics? I know you’ve never really cared, not your thing, but still I think that —”

“Sure! I’ll stay, yeah.” Phil quickly answered.

“Okay.”

Phil put his glass of water back down on the counter, and walked over to the sofa. Dan opened up his blanket fort and invited Phil in.

“These are the men’s single runs.”

“Mhm,” Phil nuzzled his head into Dan’s neck, which usually would’ve bothered him, but he didn’t mind so much.

A few minutes pass, “So what’s that guy supposed to be doing? I need your commentary; you know.”

I just like hearing your voice, it calms me down.

“Well, that’s the Japanese lead skater, which means —”

#submission

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pendragonfics · 7 years

Text

Too Late

Paring: Yondu Udonta/Reader

Tags: gender neutral reader, modern setting, soulmate au, soulmate marks, fluff, angst, happy ending.

Summary: It only takes twenty-seven years for you to find your soulmate. For him, it's forty. All it takes is whiskey, lemons, and relocating jobs to make it happen.

Word Count: 2,048

Current Date: 2017-11-05

Upon his wrist, since he was born, was the date he would meet his soulmate. It was common knowledge that everyone was born with eight digits tattooed to their skin, even the people who grew up to not want love, or were thought to be destined to be alone for life. Yondu Udonta had his date on the side of his wrist, and by calculations by his parents, it would appear to be one of the later dates than anyone ever seen. His worried single mother took him to the experts, took him to psychics, took him anyplace that could remedy their child finding their soulmate so late. But even when the ink was drained from his skin, the next day it would appear, the date as fixed as ever.

Yondu Udonta would find his soulmate when he was forty years old. And not a day before, no matter how much money and hope were poured into science and mumbo-jumbo.

He worked it out later in life, why his Mom had been so worried for him. It wasn’t a new phenomenon when people’s soulmates would appear to them already married, perhaps to be on the brink of death, or already in the ground. It wasn’t like he had anything to lose until his fortieth year of life – so Yondu did all he could to live, love and loose what he could between then, and where he was.

---

The day you were born, you had a date written upon your skin, just like all the other people in this word. Except…it wasn’t in the same colour as everyone else. While they had neat black ink, as per the profession of a tattooist’s usual use, upon your skin, the date you would meet your soulmate was written in blue ink. Perhaps it was a glitch that happened, but none of your teachers had heard of it. A joke. Yes, that was it; you were a part of a joke made by the universe, a joke that had no punchline yet. But according to your calculations, you would meet your match made in the womb six months after your twenty-seventh birthday.

“You’ll be twenty-seven?” your old play friend Drax asked, amazed. “I’ll be fifteen.” He counted on his fingers, as a seven-year-old child would do when they had troubles with addition in their mind. “I have eight years to go!”

You smirked. “Yeah, and I have twenty, I got more years to get ready for them!”

Drax’s eyes widened even more. “I’m worried now!”

---

He cut all his hair off except for a strip in the centre. Moved to a new house every four or so years. Dated every so often, had flings even more. Worked as a taxi driver for some years, a mechanic, odd jobs – for ten years, he even was a hunter for a lodge out in the middle of nowhere. He adopted a kid, Kraglin, and then adopted another, Peter. He moved them around state to state, read them to sleep at night until they were old enough to tell him to piss off, and when his boys were old enough, they left to live their lives elsewhere. But Yondu decided to finally settle down, put roots into a desert town in Nevada, and worked as a handyman.

Oh, but time was ticking. Every year, Yondu sat down where he was, and went under the needle to ink his skin, covering bit by bit of his body with art and reminders of his life that year, distracting from the digits he inherited upon his wrist. To hide its prominence with designs of talking skulls and block designs.

“In for another?” the tattooist, Horuz commented over the counter. He was a noticeable man, with his grizzled beard and steampunk-styled glasses pushed high up his older eyes, body inked over the years as well. “You’re usually an annual visitor for this kind of thing.”

Yondu shrugged. “It’s getting’ close to an anniversary. Thought I’d…like to remember it for somethin’ else.”

Horuz didn’t raise a brow. “Got any ideas for the ink?”

“Yeah,” He replied, flicking through the book on the desk. “Got any spaceships?”

---

It wasn’t that it was an odd date to meet your soulmate. Perhaps, though, it was. Most of your friends had met their soulmates in kindergarten, or at the first day of their first job flipping burgers. You shrugged it off, though, and worked through the days. School ending turned into college, and then, when dropping out, you decided to become a part of the fire brigade, and turned into one of the most renowned people in your county.

But that didn’t make you feel like the bee’s knees. You were still just a person without their other half, and putting out fires and helping people made that feeling go away for a while when you craved something to fill the empty space beside you in bed and to mean something. Your partner, Gamora thought that it was a load of bogus, the whole soulmate thing, but that was probably because her date was all warped from a burn on the job before you met her.

“So, I was checking out one of those sites online –,” she started to say, peeling an orange slowly, the juice dripping down her arms.

You sighed, sinking further into your seat. When you weren’t off fighting fires, you guys were waiting for them to happen, and often gossiped or frolicked the internet. More so, Gamora. “Just…no. No thanks, ‘Mora.” You shook your head, knowing what was coming next. “Not interested.”

“There’s a whole community of sceptics out there,” she tossed her orange aside, leaning over the table on her elbows, eyes wide and desperate. “It could be our only shot.”

“I have a date,” you hold your wrist up, and gesture to her, “and you do too!”

She didn’t bring it up again.

---

Yondu was not a shy man, in fact, boasted his sleeves of blue and red inked images with pride. He was not a young man, and the date upon his wrist boasted that fact clear as day. In fact, when Yondu checked his Facebook page that day, he saw that the date on the top of his phone matched his tattoo. And it was then when he decided, that for once, he would do one thing for himself. One thing that was not written forty years before, when he was a foetus in his mother’s womb, destined.

Yondu Udonta stayed home the day on his wrist.

He ignored the phone on the wall, where it rang every hour or two. Ignored the laptop, which pinged with messages from Kraglin every five minutes or so about questions about lawnmowers or true love. He ignored the sounds of the world outside, and ignored the sounds of the televisions in the apartments down the hall to him. He ignored every thought in his head, and sat in silence, in the dark of his apartment, laying curled on the sofa like a moody teenager he used to be, but in a forty-year-old man’s skin.

Yondu remembered all the people in his life who had shared him worried glances. His mother. His teachers. His friends, when they had all been paired up by seventeen, all the bystanders and onlookers to his life who hadn’t known a glimpse of his own life, except that he was alone in that moment, and they were not.

He had raised two boys. He had lived through all this crap. He made it all the way to this day without a soulmate.

He could go forty more years without one too.

---

Many a cat and housefire were put in the right place when you were on the team in your lovely little town, and not too long after you made the newspaper after a particularly good rescue (elderly man locked in his apartment after his locks warped, all because of vandals), you were moved to another town where they needed you, away from all you knew, away from your squad. Luckily, Gamora had been foisted into the move too, so you weren’t so very alone in that moment.

You took it in your stride; another day, another sunrise, another action in your life before you met your soulmate. You were a tough one, and settling into your shared apartment in a desert town in Nevada with Gamora was easy. Sure, making the move wasn’t a heroic act, but you toughed out the mundane act of it all. Once both of your boxes were unpacked – very few – and your uniform laid out ready for the next day – neatly – you realised two things.

One. Gamora was nowhere to be seen, her boxes untouched on her side of the room.

Two. The fridge, nestled nicely in the kitchen, was as bare as your hopes for this new path of your life.

“Guess it’s time to grab some food,” you aloud, to nobody.

You’d been so busy in all the business going on, that you hadn’t noticed the days clocking down, until that on the wall calendar read the same date as your wrist. But unknowingly, you grabbed your wallet, and decided to not starve, and stock your new home.

---

It was almost midnight, and yet, when you returned home from your late-night grocery stock up, you felt as awake as ever. Gamora was most likely asleep in bed, or likelier still, off snogging someone she had no business snogging. You managed to get most of the bags in from the car on the first go, but when you made the second trip, you were almost to the door when a bag split, and out tumbled groceries and your precious bottle of top-shelf whiskey. It rolled from your bag, out, across the faded old carpet, until it knocked against the door of apartment 12.

But internally cursing did not save the day, and by the time you managed to get all the other groceries into other bags and reached for the whiskey, the door to apartment twelve opened.

He stood tall and covered in blue and red ink, the thin, low mohawk atop his head tousled by restless sleep, as were the bags beneath his eyes. Those eyes followed from the bottle of whiskey which had knocked upon the door for you, and then, to you, on your hands and knees upon the gross carpet, shopping in shambles. He looked once more to the bottle of whiskey, and then once more to you, and silent all the while, you looked back.

“Are you jus’ gon sit there on the floor, or d’you need a hand with that mess there, now, missy?” He asked, bending to collect the whiskey, and a handful of lemons from the ground for you. “Ain’t got no words in that pretty mouth of yours, do you?”

You shake your head. “I’ve got plenty of words,” you manage to say, and collecting the rest of the mess, stand. You’re tall enough to look directly into his eyes, yet, short enough to have to peer up. “It’s just…today’s apparently not my day.”

He frowns at that. “I’d say a tumble in the hallway doesn’t make a day bad, now.”

You shake your head. “How about being alone forever?” you sigh, realising how much you’re oversharing with a perfect stranger who lives next door to you, and doesn’t need to know every sordid detail of your sad life. “S-sorry. I’ll just…thanks for helping me.” you collect the whiskey, and lemons, and begin to go on your way.

You’re not halfway to your door when he speaks up. “Today ain’t the fourteenth, is it?” He asks, like he’s asking a perfectly relevant question that sounds very irrelevant in that moment to anyone listening. “Missy?”

You glance over your shoulder, hoping that this was the answer to twenty-seven years of waiting. “It is, by my watch…and my wrist.” In fact, it was the fourteenth by the breadth of a whisker, as it was just four minutes until midnight came and made it the next day. “Are you –,”

He nods.

“Thought I was too late,” he grins, “too old.”

You drop the shopping in your arms, and run to him, run to your soulmate’s arms. “Never.”

#yondu #Yondu Udonta #yondu x reader #yondu udonta x reader #yondu/reader #guardians of the galaxy fanfic #guardians of the galaxy x reader #marvel fanfic #marvel x reader #chaotic--lovely #pendragonfics #gender neutral reader

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deadcactuswalking · 3 years

Text

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 05/12/2020

Earlier this week, I finished and released by end-of-year list of the Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2020, which, for once, was on time, being released on the 1st – or 2nd – of December, depending on your time zone. That means I’ve already spent hours discussing music, and to be honest, I have a pretty bad headache in addition to this, so you know, I’m not really in that chart-reviewing spirit. Thankfully, we have very few songs to review here, and a lot of it should be pretty inoffensive. Now, before that, let’s talk about the actual state of the charts because it is looking ridiculous. Ariana Grande’s “positions” spend its sixth week at #1, and welcome to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

Much like last week, it was an absolute bloodbath for any non-Christmas song this week, and this especially affects the hip hop and R&B on the chart. In the UK Top 75, which I cover every week, there’s a drastic difference to the US Billboard Hot 100, and that is the lack of radio. Radio impressions or plays have never been counted on the UK Singles Chart, and whilst in the States, I understand that a lot of Christmas songs rely on the radio, this is not true at all across the pond, because, for whatever reason, Christmas songs are streamed and bought a lot here even 60 years after the song’s original release. This is likely due to a smaller, arguably less diverse population and the immense amount of streaming service-curated playlists, which serve the same purpose as radio and often have the exact same label gimmickry and payola. Regardless, there is a stupid amount of drop-outs and fallers this week, for pretty big tracks as well. Now as I said I only cover the top 75 of the UK Singles Chart because it’s just easier and really, who cares about those last 25 songs? On the UK Singles Chart proper, Lewis Capaldi’s “Someone You Loved”, one of the biggest hits of 2019 and 2020, just spent its 100th week on the chart, which is insane, especially for a modern song. I think the song is dreadful but it is one of the biggest songs of all time here on the Isles, and since we’re going by my measures, it just dropped out (after spending seven weeks at #1, mind you). Of course, that’s not the only notable drop-out – and to be notable, you have to have spent five weeks on the chart or peaked in the top 40 – this week. Let’s list them, shall we? We have “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles, which spent 40 weeks on the chart, as well as #1 hit “Savage Love (Laxed – Siren Beat)” by Jawsh 685 and Jason Derulo, “Giants” by Dermot Kennedy, “Mood Swings” by the late Pop Smoke featuring Lil Tjay, “Lighter” by Nathan Dawe and KSI, “Take You Dancing” by Jason Derulo, “Holiday” by Little Mix, “Tick Tock” by Clean Bandit featuring Mabel and 24kGoldn, “Come Over” by Rudimental featuring Anne-Marie and Tion Wayne, “Lasting Lover” by Sigala and James Arthur, “Holy” by Justin Bieber featuring Chance the Rapper, “One Too Many” by Keith Urban and P!nk, “Papi Chulo” by Octavian and Skepta, “Heat Waves” by Glass Animals, “Deluded” by Tion Wayne and MIST, “Confetti” by Little Mix, “pov” by Ariana Grande (to make way for another one of her songs we’ll get to – also probably the only actually good song that dropped out this week) and finally, “Life Goes On” by BTS off of the debut at #10. On the chart proper, this is one of the biggest free-fall drops of all time, and honestly, who wasn’t expecting this? Speaking of falls, we have a lot of those too. Whilst these are fallers, you should consider how impressive they are for even trying to survive the holiday season, which just can’t be done for a lot of these songs, even the biggest hits of the year, some of which we just mentioned. One of the funniest parts of this to me is that KSI of all people survived the overload of Christmas songs through his Craig David chorus on “Really Love” with Digital Farm Animals down to #17. For a former YouTuber, he has an immense amount of star-power and it’s kind of worrying. Otherwise, our notable fallers include “Paradise” by MEDUZA and Dermot Kennedy at #24, “Train Wreck” by James Arthur at #25 (not a good week for either of these guys – or anyone), “Monster” by Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber at #26 off of the top 10 debut, “Mood” by 24kGoldn featuring iann dior at #27, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK at #29, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd stripped of all of its gains at #31 (seriously, whilst most of these songs were fading naturally prior, this is worrying), “Lemonade” by Internet Money and Gunna featuring NAV and Don Toliver at #34, “Lonely” by Justin Bieber and benny blanco at #42 (giving him four songs as a lead artist on the chart – OCC, that’s not how your dumb rules work; be consistent), “See Nobody” by Wes Nelson and Hardy Caprio really having the most intense combination of streaming cuts and Christmas music at #44, “Wonder” by Shawn Mendes flailing at #45 (it will probably rebound next week), “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd at #46 (same here), “Golden” by Harry Styles at #47, “Loading” by Central Cee at #48, “What You Know Bout Love” by the late Pop Smoke at #49, “i miss u” by Jax Jones and Au/Ra at #50, “Sunflower (Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse)” by Post Malone and Swae Lee at #52, “UFO” by D-Block Europe and Aitch at #55, “Plugged in Freestyle” by A92 and Fumez the Engineer at #56, “Princess Cuts” by Headie One featuring Young T & Bugsey at #60 (which happened to play as I was writing this), “Looking for Me” by Paul Woodford, Diplo and Kareen Lomax at #61, “WAP” by Cardi B featuring Megan Thee Stallion at #62, “Diamonds” by Sam Smith having the biggest fall to #63, “Ain’t it Different” by Headie One featuring AJ Tracey and Stormzy at #65, “Chingy (It’s Whatever)” by Digga D at #69, “Come Over” by Jorja Smith and Popcaan at #70, “SO DONE” by The Kid LAROI at #71 and finally, “Flavour” by Loski and Stormzy at #74. A YouTube comment on the video version of this chart read, “RIP to hip hop and R&B in the UK, 2020-2020”, and, I mean, it’s a fair assessment. That’s not all though, folks, as we have the returning entries, most of which are very explicitly Christmas songs. Let’s start with “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by Sam Smith at #75, and continue up the chart with “Cozy Little Christmas” by Katy Perry at #73, “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay at #72 (always the best song on the entire chart whenever it returns), “A Little Love” by Celeste from the John Lewis advert at #64, “Feliz Navidad” by José Feliciano at #54, “Santa Baby” by Kylie Minogue at #57, “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” by the late Dean Martin at #54, “Sleigh Ride” by the Ronettes at #52, “Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber at #43, “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by the late John Lennon, Yoko Ono and the Plastic Ono Band featuring the Harlem Community Choir at #40 (always the worst song on the chart whenever it returns), “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney at #39 (this is an accurate ranking of the Beatles), “Jingle Bell Rock” by the late Bobby Helms at #38, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #37 and “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by the late Andy Williams at #36. Yes, that’s five consecutive Christmas songs returning to the top 40, made all the more ridiculous when you realise it’s topped off by “HOLIDAY” by Lil Nas X... at #41 – and it actually gained this week! Oh, and we don’t stop there either as not only do we have “Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande returning to #16 as well, but we also have all of the gains this week. All of our notable gains are in the top 40 and all but one are Christmas songs, so let’s start with “One More Sleep” by Leona Lewis up to #33 (our greatest gain this week) and continue up the chart with “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade at #32, “This Christmas” by Jess Glynne at #28, “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday” by Wizzard at #23, “Driving Home for Christmas” by Chris Rea at #22, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” by Justin Bieber and Brenda Lee at #21 and #19 respectively, “Underneath the Tree” by Kelly Clarkson at #20, “Step into Christmas” by Elton John at #18, “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” by Band Aid at #15 (looking at this chart, I think we ALL know exactly what time it is), “Merry Christmas Everyone” by Shakin’ Stevens at #14, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #13, “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues featuring the late Kirsty MacColl at #9, “Last Christmas” by Wham! at #3, and finally, “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey at #2. I don’t know if I’ll be happier if a 1994 classic hits #1 for the first time this Christmas, or an Ariana Grande song about sex positions takes the Christmas #1, given, of course, that LadBaby doesn’t pull something out of his ass last minute. Christmas also actually lands on a Friday this week, so there’s potentially two Christmas #1s: the #1 on Christmas Day and the #1 that includes Christmas Day. I mean, there’s this issue every year but since the chart week literally starts and ends on the day this year, I guess we’ll just have to see what the Official Charts Company decides. For now, after not-so-swiftly covering all of that garbage – and there’s three weeks more of it to come, folks – let’s discuss some of our new arrivals, none of which I imagine will be all that interesting but, hey, at least they’re not Christmas songs. In fact...

NEW ARRIVALS

#68 – “Body” – Megan Thee Stallion

Produced by LilJuMadeThatBeat

...It’s the antithesis of what it means to be wholesome, commercial and festive. You all know and love Megan Thee Stallion by now, and whilst I didn’t listen to that debut record yet – it is 17 songs after all – I have heard pretty positive reception so I will check out Good News at some point. Rico Nasty did release a record that’s only one less track and 13 full minutes shorter, so to be honest, I’m a lot more excited to check out that album, even if it won’t have any impact here. I did laugh at the track list when I saw “Intercourse (feat. Popcaan & Mustard)” though, which is one of the few times I have genuinely laughed at just a track list. “Shots Fired” is a pretty great Tory Lanez diss track though, so I’ll say that. “Body” is relatively deep into the track listing, yet seems to be the biggest hit, mostly because of that polarising earworm hook and the music video. Oh, yeah, and it straight-up samples a woman having an orgasm, so don’t expect this to stick around. In fact, that’s the only melody behind this dirty South bounce-adjacent track, and even with that, it only comes in on that chorus, which is less annoying to me as it is just catchy. It’s not like men haven’t done the same thing, though, I mean, Dr. Dre famously – or infamously – “paused 4 porno” on his album 2001, and just in 2018, Kanye released “XTCY”, a song that is hilariously lacking in any kind of moral compass, let alone born-again Christianity. It did the same thing that “Body” does with the moaning yet it also covers it in this really eerie sample, as well as spare 808s and a drum beat that doesn’t feel like it gets in the way of whatever the hell Kanye’s doing on this track. It also helps that the moaning doesn’t just come in on the chorus, instead we have a string swell to distinguish it, and that Kanye has more of a comical lyrical nature on “XTCY”. This comparison is only fair when looking at the production, though, as whilst Kanye has “sick thoughts”, Megan is just bragging about her own body-ody-ody-ody-ody, etc. over a pretty mainstream, accessible beat, even if it has really ugly, loud 808s that kind of do get in the way of the rapping here. Thankfully, Megan rides this beat forcefully – no pun intended – and with some really great wordplay, even if there are a few immediately dated references here and there. That third verse is also pretty funny, and whilst I don’t want to focus too much on this song – it’s a family show after all – this is pretty lively and whilst I’m not a fan of this beat, Megan makes it worth sitting through and honestly, the song sounds a lot shorter than it is. Check it out.

#67 – “Love is a Compass” – Griff

Produced by PARKWILD

I didn’t say the word “compass” on purpose knowing this song would be next, although perhaps I subconsciously snuck the word in. Maybe I should have made it seem like I foreshadowed this song, but honestly what about this warrants foreshadowing? I don’t mind Disney music at all. In fact, a lot of the films are full of really classic compositions that have aged incredibly, including the Renaissance era of their films, especially. In fact, “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from Mulan – the original – is one of the few soundtrack songs that is directly related to and featured in the film yet I can still listen to outside of that context. I’ve not even watched either Mulan – or have Disney+ - so it’s not like I’m a big fan, but I can appreciate the music when I find it, even if I mostly despise everything Disney stands for as a company. The issue with this is that it cannot apply to “Love is a Compass”. I’m sure Griff and her producer PARKWILD are talented musicians, but this is purely a product. This wasn’t even made for an original animated feature, or a painfully weak adaptation of one of their original animated features starring Will Smith as the Genie. This is a generic piano ballad made for an advert, because just like literal shops and manufacturing companies like John Lewis, Disney has a Christmas advert. There’s nothing artistic about this. This “emotional” piano ballad is layered in reverb and egregious Auto-Tune that drains Griff of whatever emotion her delivery could have had. It doesn’t sound good in this context at all and it is so obvious, which is unfortunate because her voice, Auto-Tuned in a similar way, could easily work over more lo-fi and interesting production. As it is, this is repulsive, sonically and on every other level beyond that.

#66 – “Angels Like You” – Miley Cyrus

Produced by Louis Bell and watt

So, Miley Cyrus dropped her album, Plastic Hearts, last week and I expected more impact on the chart but the two singles are really THAT big that not any of the album cuts had much of a chance, even if “Prisoner” dropped a few spaces. Other than that, “Midnight Sky” is still in the top five and near the end of the chart, we have a debut: “Angels Like You”. It’s clear why this charted because this isn’t just a highlight from the album or a personal favourite of mine, but it’s a fan favourite honestly, a career highlight – which may not be hard to make, I mean, it’s Miley Cyrus we’re talking about – but it still impresses me with how much I really love this song. This is more of a mellow ballad than many of the tracks surrounding it on the record, with Cyrus’ raspy country twang finally met with a fitting blend of acoustic guitars and a genuine orchestral swell in the chorus, even if at times it decides to start clipping. The shift in guitar tone to a dirtier, aggressive one after the first chorus is a genius touch, and even the pretty stiff drum machine here feels like it adds a lot to the power of this song, especially when it starts kicking behind the screeching guitar solo, leading into an admittedly anti-climactic final chorus... that might even be fitting for the content, which is a break-up song but not one that decides to deflect blame or even focus entirely on the break-up, rather being an acknowledgement of what both parties here did wrong, and why they ended up in the relationship to begin with. Both Cyrus and her ex-girlfriend Kaitlynn Carter were in rough spots coming off of previous relationships in late 2019 and those dark spots are what Cyrus understands lead to the collapse of this relationship. She discusses the lack of connection between the two in the first verse, leading to a literally nameless relationship where it was full of romantic gestures but not any depth. The chorus is a complex look at how Cyrus knew she would look back on the relationship as little more than a fling, but how she regrets that this is her only view of the relationship. She didn’t want anything more and split after things started getting too serious, and feels genuine guilt for using Carter to heal her own depression, because “misery needs company”. She uses the biblical metaphor to demonstrate how she feels she tugged down her girlfriend, described here as an “angel”, to the hell Cyrus thinks she resides in, which may be melodramatic, sure, but I’d be lying if I said Cyrus doesn’t completely sell it here, with some of her best vocals to date, backed up by gorgeous production and really well-written lyrics. This is a genuinely brilliant ballad, give it a listen.

#58 – “Naughty List” – Liam Payne and Dixie D’Amelio

Produced by TMS

I’ve been writing these producers as “TM5” for so long without realising it’s an abbreviation for “The Music Shed”. Anyway, I hope we can all agree that Liam Payne is probably the worst off when comparing the One Direction boys and their solo careers so far. Harry Styles is one of the biggest stars in the world, making a twist on 70s classic rock that I don’t like at all but he IS making headlines and having massive chart success. Niall Horan is having mild success making rock and folk albums that are honestly alright, ZAYN has two albums under his belt that may not be listenable but at least the first one was a success and he did go into a more mature R&B direction, and Louis Tomlinson might not have been met with any success from his album earlier this year but at least there’s some quality there. Liam Payne, however, has been releasing straight garbage to no fanfare for the past three years, dating back to “Strip that Down” with Quavo, and continuing down the path of feigning maturity and development with music clearly not backing it up, demonstrated by the bisexual fetishism on his delayed debut album and how his collaborations went from relying on Zedd to relying on J Balvin to relying on TikTok stars on a sexually-charged Christmas single that couldn’t even crack the top 50. I have no idea who Dixie D’Amelio is other than seeing her sister’s controversies on Twitter in passing, but it is depressing that a major-label pop star needs D’Amelio to chart this high – and no, given his most recent singles with bigger features like A Boogie wit da Hoodie and Cheat Codes, as well as the shoddy performance of his last Christmas song, I’m not even considering that it’s the other way around. This immediately, in its first 15 seconds, makes sure you know this will be awful, with its tedious acoustic guitar strumming fused with cheap sounding sleigh bells and dated trap percussion, even with little “hey!” gang vocals straight out of 2014 that make this sound a lot less new and fresh than I think Payne thought it did. Also, something about these lyrics sounds really odd when you consider the age gap between the two vocalists. I mean, D’Amelio’s 19 years old, so it’s not like this is illegal in any way (and they didn’t have any chemistry to begin with), but the childlike imagery in the chorus just makes this gross. “Santa saw the things we did and put us on the naughty list”? This has less subtlety than 3OH!3’s Christmas song they released this year. Yes, that happened, and somehow the two washed-up early 2010s pop stars made a “dirty” Christmas song that is miles better than Liam Payne’s, probably because of the more interesting lyrical detail, and that, you know, it isn’t a duet. Check out “KISSELTOE” if you’re interested, it’s really good. I liked their comeback single with 100 gecs too so I’m pretty excited for whatever comes out of 3OH!3’s recent productivity. This song, on the other hand, as well as the upcoming joke, is just Payne-full.

#53 – “No Time for Tears” – Nathan Dawe and Little Mix

Produced by Tré Jean-Marie and Nathan Dawe

Okay, so, I understand the marketing of releasing a single after a long time of not releasing a single and after your singles have all dropped out of the chart, but Little Mix are just being managed horribly here. Why would you release a single in the Christmas season that you want to be big? This isn’t a holiday song in any way and doesn’t even sound like one, so releasing it this early into the Christmas season is just begging for it to be forgotten and eventually flop. Nathan Dawe is an EDM DJ so he doesn’t need this type of promotion as long as he can tour next year and he’s got big features, and Little Mix don’t need any extra singles because they’re still in the top 10 and they’ve branched out to reality television. Just let the girls breathe for a second and enjoy their success. Oh, and this song isn’t just logistically unnecessary, it’s sonically unnecessary, acting as a house-pop club banger with that standard piano sound reminiscent of 90s house that has been adopted recently by DJs, with any of the infectious melodies and genuine drive sucked out of it, especially if Dawe is going to add a Goddamn trap breakdown in the second verse with the most pathetic set of percussion I’ve heard in years on a house track. It’s not like Little Mix are saving this either because the lyrical content is re-tread and their performances are largely unrecognisable from each other and songs they’ve made before. Yeah, this isn’t offensive, but it isn’t interesting, outside of that bridge, but even then it builds up perfectly to a chorus that’s interrupted by a pointless, repetitious interlude. This song isn’t just uninteresting, it’s inherently unnecessary on all fronts, which if anything, is just kind of sad.

#35 – “All You’re Dreaming Of” – Liam Gallagher

Produced by Simon Aldred and Andrew Wyatt

Surely out of all of these songs, I’d have the most to say about our top 40 debut, with Liam Gallagher, former frontman of legendary rock band Oasis, and his new lead single, right? Well, no, because here are some unfortunate truths: Oasis made two good albums, and they’re not as good as you remember. Liam Gallagher is an awful person who continued to rip off his own band with his new one, without the songwriting ability his brother Noel had. Liam continues to be persistent in his making of enemies for no other reason than publicity. Noel’s reaching out to Liam for the sake of at least reconciliation goes completely unnoticed, ignored or criticised by Liam for no discernable reason other than an on-and-off again facade that’s been going on for more than a decade. Noel wasn’t even that great of a songwriter, relying mostly on musicianship and other people’s melodies he liked to co-opt for his own tracks. None of their solo work has been listenable yet still gathers attention that I imagine is to the dismay of those other band members in Oasis who, ultimately, made those classic albums as much as the Gallaghers. Where’s the praise for Bonehead, Guigsy or even Gem Archer, who stuck it out despite decreasing popularity, utter lack of musical quality and increasing tensions between the people who kept the band afloat until they decided to break up? Both Noel and Liam look at Oasis with regret or admiration depending on how they feel that day but when you look at who REALLY won that Britpop battle tabloids liked to hype up in the 1990s, you realise how far away Oasis was from Blur or even Pulp in terms of not only their songs but having their stuff together. This new song is complete garbage as well, with a pretty awful mixing job, Liam being as distinctively nasal and infuriating as he is with any of his songs let alone his uninteresting ballads, and the COVID-19 charity pandering that comes off as really false, especially since even after Noel released an Oasis track this year as a result of the lockdown – and Liam whining about how he wants to bring the band together to help the NHS – he criticised the honest release of the demo, which Noel wrote and sang himself. It’s also especially telling how the proceeds are only going to benefit charity for its first month of release. Afterwards, Liam and the label can scrape up whatever leftover streams they get from diehard fans. I don’t like Band Aid at all, in fact the song is pretty damn rancid, but at least they keep on recording updated versions to give to modern charities. Liam, you’ve got a bank account the average Manchurian would dream of. This charity single is a fraud, and a pretty hypocritical, immoral one at that.

Conclusion

I think on principle on how fake it is and how awful the song is, I have to give Worst of the Week to Gallagher... but I have a rule against crowning any kind of charity single with that title. At the end of the day, at least something at some point is going to the people who need it. Worst of the Week in that case goes to “Naughty List” by Liam Payne and Dixie D’Amelio, with a Dishonourable Mention to the product that is Griff’s “Love is a Compass”. Best of the Week should be obvious as it’s going to Miley Cyrus for “Angels Like You”, with an Honourable Mention to Megan Thee Stallion’s “Body”. Here’s this week’s top 10:

May I remind you this is the first week of December? Anyway, I doubt Shawn Mendes will make anything through the barrage of holiday tracks, but if he does, that’s next week. Thank you for reading and follow me at @cactusinthebank for more ramblings of this sort, I suppose. See you next week!

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marksleepy · 7 years

Text

one year older

a/n: this is just a little something for my pal nabi. happy birthday beeeeeeaaaach ily even though it may not seem like i do :^)

neotechs’ gif

Five, four, three, two, one…

Donghyikes happy birthday loser [12:00 AM]

Jianny (john bro) happy birthday Y/N~!! [12:00 AM] am i the first [12:00 AM]

Ass-y roommate happy birthday idk why i’m texting you when i’m just beside you [12:00 AM] and don’t think idk about what you saved my contact name as [12:00 AM] but it’s your birthday i’ll let it slide [12:00 AM]

Your face almost aches from smiling so hard as you type your replies to Donghyuck (“thanks loser”), Johnny (“thanks!! yes you are”)—he doesn’t have to know the truth—and your roommate (“oops ;) thank you”).

Notifications pop up on the top of your phone screen a few more times, all which are messages from some friends wishing you a happy birthday. The excitement dies down a minute later, and you throw your phone on the bed, watching it flop down lifelessly on the sheets.

You hear the rustling of bedsheets and the sound of hurried footsteps.

“So?” your roommate says while poking your arm.

“So what?” you reply, though you fully know what she’s asking about. You retrieve your phone and unlock it before locking it and pushing it under your pillow. Nope, nothing from him.

“Don’t act like you don’t know. What did Jaehyun say?” She raises a brow at you, a teasing smile playing on her lips.

You press your index finger to her forehead and push her away. “Stop being so nosy. Besides, what do you think he’d say? Merry Christmas?”

Your roommate rolls her eyes and lies belly-down on your bed. “If you haven’t told me about your undying love for him I wouldn’t have asked. And,”—she sits up—“I’m telling you, he feels the same way as you do.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Best friends to lovers, how very cliché.”

You pull the duvet over your legs and urge your roommate to ‘get her own ass in her own bed’. Clicking off the lamp on your bedside table, the room is immediately engulfed in darkness. It’s quiet if not for the frequent laughter coming from next door. You glance at your roommate, who has her phone held only inches away from her face. Your eyes adjust to the darkness fairly quickly. You pull your phone from under your pillow and unlock it again, squinting at the sudden brightness. Apart from messages from Mark and Doyoung, there is none from Jaehyun.

The first thing that pops into your head is “are you kidding me?”, but you think of other possible reasons as to why Jaehyun, out of all people, seems to have forgotten about this special (for you, at least) day. Maybe he’d dropped his phone and cracked the heck out of it, or maybe he’s still busy practising for his dance performance next week. Maybe he’s concentrating on a report, maybe—

“Dude, what’s going on?” Your roommate’s voice sounded ten times louder in the small and dark room. “You have the weirdest look on your face.”

You lock your phone and put it on the floor so fast you almost fell off the bed. “I’m fine,” you smile in her direction even though it’s impossible for her to even see your face at this point.

“I didn’t ask.”

Turning your back to her and facing the peeling wall, you close your eyes and will yourself to sleep.

“Get up, you ass.” At least that is what you heard. Smacking your roommate’s hand that is pulling at your sheets away, you grunt as you press the pillow against your face, breathing in its scent.

“Dude, if you want to be late again I won’t disturb you anymore. See you.” The brown wooden door creaks open and she throws a pair of sandals on the ground. You sit up, groaning. Miss Park’s class is fun—she makes tons of jokes—but mornings aren’t your thing. Dragging yourself out of bed, you trudge over to the tiny bathroom and start washing up. With a toothbrush in your mouth, you stoop down and reach for your phone. You have exactly seven minutes before the start of the lecture. To your dismay, there are no texts from Jaehyun. You think back to what your roommate had said last night about him feeling the same towards you. Yeah, right.

When you miraculously make it to class (with only a minute to spare), your roommate is engaged in a conversation with someone she thinks is cute, so you don’t interrupt them. Instead, you opt to sit in the row just in front of them. Jaehyun walks into class a second later, his eyes widen and he smiles that damn dimpled smile when he spots you.

“Hey,” he says, throwing his notebooks on the table and sitting down next to you.

“Hey?” you say. “How are you doing on this particular day, if I may say so myself.”

Confused, he cocks his head to the side. “Good, I guess? What’s up?”

You smile bitterly, beginning to feel a little shitty. “Nothing.”

This moment Miss Park enters the room, and you can’t help but feel even more awful.

Miss Park’s jokes save the lecture from being soul-destroying. You feel a tad bit better when you realise you have no classes or lectures to attend for the rest of the day. Shoving your notes in your bag, you say nothing to anyone as you walk out of the room with a couple of other students.

“Y/N, wait.”

You whirl around, the fakest smile possible planted on your face. “Yes, Jaehyun?”

“I’ll be at dance practice for the rest of the day. So if you text me and get no reply, you know why.” He tugs at his bag straps, showing no signs of penitence.

You resist the urge to run up to him and smack him across the face. “Right. Have fun. Hope you don’t fall and break a bone.” Which translates to hope you fall and break a bone. Well, not really. Not really at all.

He looks at you like you’re some wacky clown on a unicycle. Firstly, how dare he look at you that way. Secondly, why not tell him it’s your birthday? Thirdly, no, because you don’t want to seem desperate. Fourthly, where exactly are you going with this?

Oh, and clowns are freaky.

So you spend the afternoon sitting in an ice cream shop, surrounding yourself with books. If you see yourself studying on your birthday two months ago, you would’ve laughed and probably cried at the same time. Never mind your roommate ditched you to go hang out with someone who you think is perhaps way more fun than you, but seriously? At least she wished you happy birthday, but you got nothing from Jaehyun. If you haven’t liked him in such a non-platonic way (you wish you did) you wouldn’t be feeling as valuable as a basket full of sticky candy wrappers.

Maybe you’d become a changed person, because you just spent four and a half hours studying. You can’t help but feel somewhat proud.

The sky is tinted pink, clouds almost like fluffy cotton candies just waiting to be eaten. The cool evening breeze rumples your hair, and you tilt your head up and inhale the smell of hot dog buns. The only thing you ate today was one pathetic scoop of cookies and cream ice cream. And maybe the cookie from this morning that’s most likely a week old.

You throw your bag onto a patch of grass and sit down beside it. The sky is so beautiful, you wish you were an artist moving a paintbrush professionally over an empty canvas, slowly bringing the sight before you to life. But the best you can do is to snap a picture of the wonders above. The pastel colours slowly melt away, turning sombre with silver speckles. You stand up and brush the grass off your bottom, hugging your bag to your chest.

You’re slogging down the almost empty path when you receive a text message.

Jaehyun 👀 hey where are you [8:58 PM]

You feel stupid when your heart skips a beat at this simple text. Suddenly hopeful (though a little sad, still), you type your response.

You near some ice cream shop [9:00 PM] why [9:00 PM]

Walking with your eyes glued to the screen, Jaehyun’s name pops up once again.

Jaehyun 👀 nothing. your roommate was getting worried [9:01 PM]

Scoffing, you reply.

You she has a phone [9:02 PM] and she’s probably making out with that guy in her calculus class [9:02 PM]

Jaehyun 👀 feisty [9:02 PM] she says screw you and what time are you coming back [9:03 PM]

Your stomach growls loudly, begging for attention and grub of any sort.

You gonna grab some food [9:05 PM] i guess around 9:30 ish? [9:05 PM]

There is no reply after that. You roll your eyes and shove your phone into your pocket. The convenience store nearby is closed despite the ��open 24 hours’ sign hanging beside the sliding doors. You sigh in frustration. This will be you have to go to the convenience store near the dorms. It doesn’t sound that bad, but the food there tastes like prison food. Not that you tasted prison food before.

You make your way to the convenience store and bought a pack of macaroni and cheese, cringing at the soggy packaging.

As you make your way to the area you stay, you walk by the boys’ dorms. The building is dark, with the exception of a few rooms with the lights still on. You count the floors with your eyes and finger, stopping at a specific room. Jaehyun’s room is pitch-black. It can either mean he is still out practising, or that he has already fallen asleep. You don’t like the idea of any of the options. You sigh for the nth time today and resume with the journey back to your room.

As you stand in the lift, you look at the posters on the walls. A yawn escapes your mouth as the lift emits a soft ‘ding!’. The hallway is dark and frightening, you should get someone to repair the lights. Suddenly, you hear indistinctive mumbles. The stretch of corridor appear empty and you feel your heart beating faster. You’re totally gonna die at some point.

“Oh, shit!” Someone emerges from a room that looks undeniably like yours and your roommate’s. The figure disappears, and you run towards it. Because at this point, you simply ignore that this is how people usually die in movies.

When you see the flickering of tiny flames, it clicks. The lights are instantly turned on, party poppers exploding around you, and the classic birthday song (off-key singing) fills your ears.

Jaehyun stands in the centre holding a cake, attacking you with his dimpled smile. Your friends are squeezed against one another in this tiny room, and you swear your heart is swelling with happiness.

Donghyuck runs towards you after the song has ended and punches your arm—hard.

“Ouch! Dude, what was that for?” you yell, rubbing your arm and threatening to punch him back.

“Birthday punch,” he laughs, eyes sparkling with mischief.

“You were totally upset, weren’t you?” Jaehyun smirks. He coats his finger with some cake icing and smears it across your cheek.

“No!” you squeal. “And I wasn’t.”

“Yeah lying isn’t gonna help now, Y/N,” your roommate speaks, smearing more icing your face. The icing-smearing-competition starts after her last action, and everyone in the room soon looks like a ‘facial gone wrong’. Peals of laughter buzz through the room. You think for once you actually beat the room next door in being loud.

You sit on your bed, listening to them share their stories on how they planned this entire thing. The floor is littered with tiny squares of paper, and boy are you going to spend aeons cleaning up.

“I honestly thought you forgot, Jaehyun. What a jerk,” you say between munches on your slice of cake.

“That’s sad. I planned this. You should be saying ‘what a sweetheart’,” he grins at you, and you pretend to gag on your cake.

It’s getting late, and the boys file out of the room one by one, claiming they will be dead meat if they were to be caught.

“I’ll see you guys out.” Your roommate follows the guys out, leaving you alone with Jaehyun.

The door shuts softly, and Jaehyun turns to you, ears an adorable shade of pink. “I have a present for you, actually,” he says.

You’re the best present. You cringe at yourself. “What is it? You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“Close your eyes. And don’t freak out.”

“Okay…” Your eyes flutter shut.

“Promise you won’t freak out.”

“Geez, Jaehyun. I promise.”

The only thing you can hear and feel is Jaehyun’s rhythmic breathing. That feels way too close. Something soft touches your lips, and your insides scream “OH MY GOD!”

He moves his lips against yours, waiting, anticipating. Your hand reach up to cup his (sticky) face as you kiss him back. He runs his fingers through your hair, his other hand on your neck, the heat searing through your entire body. You are definitely freaking out.

He pulls away and you almost whimper at the loss of contact. “Happy birthday,” he says.

You’re leaning in when the door opens slowly, your roommate’s head popping in. “Are the two of you done? I’m frickin’ tired.”

Your face is without a doubt bright red. “Uh, yeah!” you reply with exaggerated enthusiasm.

Jaehyun grabs a piece of tissue paper from your desk and exits the room after giving your hand a gentle squeeze. Your roommate yawns as she stretches her arms.

“So how was your birthday?” she beams.

The digital clock reads 12:49.

“Best birthday. Ever.”

#nct #nct scenarios #nct u #nct 127 #jung jaehyun #jung yoonoh #jung jeffrey #jaehyun fluff #nct fluff #the extreme cheese #hi there #🎉🎈#wow this was actual shit

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cosmosogler · 7 years

Text

today my brain, like some kind of drunk frat boy, said “remember that bs we did yesterday? let’s do it again! round 2!!!” in my head i am imagining sam rockwell’s voice.

i didn’t sleep well at all. my eyes felt bruised. my jaw feels bruised. my teeth hurt all the time.

i did, however, manage to shower, eat, clean up after snoopy, and pack and leave by 9:05. so i was in the physics building at 9:30. i had trouble getting settled. i was workin by 10:10 though.

snoop and i are having a disagreement about where the litter box should be. i think that it should be in an area that’s easy to keep clean. snoopy thinks it should be on top of my couch.

i worked until about 12 when i took a break for lunch. my lunch was pretty bad though and very much not enough. i felt sick even from a pbj. i managed to talk harrison into grabbing some lunch from the food court (by talking him into it i mean i asked and before i could finish he said “yes”). pizza was a bad idea... i felt sick after that too, but less like i was gonna shrivel up from lack of food. i might still be losing weight. hard to eat.

that took longer than i wanted it to so i sat back down and continued reading my textbook at 1:15-ish. i have two assignments due tomorrow... i was going to start them today. i was. i wanted to finish reading the textbook so i wouldn’t feel lost and overwhelmed when it came time to solve problems. reading is such slow going though... at 1:50 i stopped to go to my appointment with disability resources. i was there for about 50 minutes. i started feeling really upset when we went over rudimentary study strategies and what, exactly, happens when i try to take tests. danielle said she remembered that i had told my case worker that i’d passed out during the prelims.

i tried to focus on some goals. i half-joked that i was hoping she could get me reading the textbook four times as fast after my appointment. she said to focus on feeling less isolated and to try to relax. she gave me some mindfulness exercise mp3s from a web site so i downloaded a couple that looked interesting this evening. i haven’t tried them yet, but i stuck to the ones that were 5-10 minutes long.

it feels like relaxing only works half the time. last time, when i took my finals in undergrad, i felt relatively confident going into my observational astronomy test. like, i’d studied for 5 days, i hadn’t used ALL the strategies but i did go over all the material. and i got a 50% on that test. it brought my grade down from a solid b into c- territory.

so it’s hard to see the point of being less stressed when i go into tests. because now i know that being less stressed won’t actually help. that stresses me out more.

i noticed when describing how my semester has gone so far that i seem to really know what i’m talking about when i’m talking with my classmates about physics. as soon as i gotta prove that i know stuff to my professor, though, it’s all gone. and when i calm down a little and get working on problems, my brain reaches for stuff i know to connect to the questions, and it picks the wrong stuff. but i don’t notice i am using the wrong stuff, because my brain pulled it down from the shelf and told me it’s what i needed. and at that point i’m so relieved to feel like i know what i’m doing that i just do the problems completely wrong and i look hella dumb.

scrambled connections.

so that’s where i seem to be at. some insight, maybe? after that i went back to the department, got distracted talking to suzanne (her fiance’s cousin died and they are leaving for his funeral so she won’t be around this weekend), got some cookies with keegan and harrison, and then sat down and worked for another hour and a half.

i got that feeling, like, where if you’re doing some form of hard physical activity, stamina wise. when your stamina is gone, and you kind of realize it’s gone a few seconds before your body gives and breaks. i got that deeply uncomfortable, wrong, “it’s time to stop right now” sort of feeling. so i went home real quick after that even though i still hadn’t started my homework problems. i’d made good progress on my reading... i hoped i could read a little more at home even though it was a long shot.

when i got home i didn’t feel like washing my pots to cook anything so i made a microwave meal. i took some time to brush snoopy. i opened the window to let in some fresh air and looked out over the courtyard. i fudged around with youtube for a little bit and did some administrative emailing. i had a couple oreos, maybe three.

then i actually, honest to god, sat down and read the textbook. it was incredible. when my timer went off i took a break and stretched while snoopy watched. then i just laid on the floor and stared at the ceiling for like three minutes.

i got back to it after i checked my updated comics! i finished the chapter, which was my goal actually. some of the work is in chapter 4, i think... the professor wants us to be 3/4 of the way through chapter 4 by tomorrow morning and we all had a good chuckle over that.

i asked around a bit and it seems like not a lot of the other students read the textbooks. i dunno. i know it’s hard, and i know it’s kind of helping me procrastinate on the actual homework, but i do feel more comfortable in lectures when i’ve read the section. it’s easier to keep track of where the professor is going. and it’s easier to figure out what the questions want me to do, and where to find helpful stuff in the book.

some of it’s helpful, some of it’s not. i emailed both my professors in the afternoon and told them i didn’t think i’d have my assignments done by tomorrow morning. the classical professor said to just bring it in on monday which is a relief. my quantum professor didn’t get back to me. i didn’t see him in his office either. i hope he’s ok.

i finished that around 9:40. now it’s 10:15. stretching really did help a lot. might need to do that after i get home every day. stretching my back has helped a little bit, but if i do everything then i might actually feel better instead of just “not worse.”

i somehow pulled both of my shoulders in my sleep the other night though and wearing a backpack’s been agony. it might help to get a backrub but i wouldn’t let anyone massage my back or shoulders even if i was dead. if someone came up behind my corpse it would fly away like a thrown muppet.

i don’t like massages, or spas, or that kind of stuff in general. i can tolerate being emotionally vulnerable sometimes but the idea of being physically vulnerable is like a cold wall of fear and uncertainty and anxiety. i’m already physically vulnerable. if you wanted to grab me or hurt me there’s not really anything i could do about it. but specifically relaxing, in water where it’s hard to move, or laying down or letting someone stand around behind me, feels like it’s inviting problems. can’t do it.

that and my back has all kinds of nerve damage from my heart surgery. when people touch the area wrong or it gets bumped on a table my whole side either feels like knives or just goes fuzzy and numb and i can’t move my arm any more. neither of those feels good!!!

my side gets sore when it’s muggy out too. since the scar tissue is on my right side, having my whole dominant arm be kind of weak and fussy is really irritating.

i know it could get worse. i know things could be worse. but that doesn’t mean they are good now.

thinkin about that makes me miserable.

it feels like a got a lot done today. but it also feels like i got the wrong stuff done, even though i know that my homework would have been frustrating and basically impossible without doing all this reading first. i hate sitting and reading the textbook and my classmates look over and ask how much of the assignment i’ve got done and i have to say “none” even as the sun goes down and the staff goes home.

it feels like i didn’t try hard enough, even though i literally could not have done any more today. my best just isn’t good enough. baby steps aren’t what my professors want. they want me running the marathon with everyone else. i mean, yeah, walking a bit is better than laying on the ground, but i’m still not gonna hit the finish line by the end of the day. it’s so, so hard to get to the end of the day and praise myself for doing just a little bit, even when i feel like hot garbage and one problem was a gargantuan effort. it’s so discouraging to look at my work and be like, “yeah! i did it! i read for an hour today, even though i was very depressed!” when i needed to read for five hours, and now tomorrow to catch up i have to read for another five hours plus the four i didn’t get around to that day.

i mean, it’s not ten hours i need to catch up on. it could be worse. but nine hours is still not good. nine hours is still really bad!

i mentioned a stupid thing before the “read more” cut that i didn’t get around to during the bulk of my entry. i had another panic attack for like forty minutes. right when i left my apartment before i even got to the elevator i felt sick and sweaty and breathless. i wanted to complain to someone but there wasn’t no one there so i just struggled to breathe by myself for a while. it was basically a repeat of yesterday. angry about a big dude grabbing me in the dark and instead of apologizing, saying “i’ll touch you whenever i want.” REAL COOL!!! he’s my step dad. not technically related.

i don’t like having panic attacks. don’t get a lot done when that’s happening and afterward i just feel drained and that makes it hard to get moving again. i’m still upset. but i really don’t feel comfortable making myself all gooey and weak in front of these people i hardly know, especially when they ain’t really talked about any of their problems either. i don’t wanna freak out at someone i don’t know that well four weeks into the semester. that would be bad.

anyway i’m going to go to bed on time for once tonight, so i gotta wrap it up here. i’m so tired. i’m going to do that five-minute meditation thing and see if that changes anything.

(edit: it helped.)

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