#'could you possibly forgive me for all that ive done'

[omegalomania]

throwing down my tablet pen and stamping my feet in impotent rage and tearful acknowledgment of how that first shot of patrick rejoining the other 3 in save rock and roll and their immediate joy upon seeing him is just the most potent and earnest thing because they are all dead so like theyre all just functionally seeing each others complete SOULS in heaven in that moment and the instant they lay eyes on him andy joe and pete are overjoyed to see him again and their forgiveness of him is both immediate and unconditional. soulmated band. soulbound band. would you still love me if i was a worm. would you still love me if i was torn apart physically and psychologically and in all possible ways there are to be desecrated. would you still love me even if i was the one who killed you. would you still love me if i was the thing that unmade us. would you still love me in spite of the pain and trauma that's been poured into our relationship. and the answer is yes, yes, yes, an unrepentant and unflinching and unhesitating yes, a thousand times, yes.

#*making poasts #i need to have a moment. i just need a Moment i hope you understand #this is killing me its killing me so bad #they love each other so damn much #ybc hiatus metaphor is fucking me up rn. #'could you possibly forgive me for all that ive done' #'could anyone bear to forgive me after all the misery and regret thats now tied up in the bond we have w each other' #but thats the thing. the answer is yes. of course its yes. #and over ten years later the answer STILL is yes. god DAMN but i need to become one with the ocean

[melrosing]

Sorry if you’ve talked about this before but I can’t find it if you have. What are your thoughts on Jaime’s role in the Tysha situation?

I don't think I have actually talked about this at any particular length before?? which is weird bc i have thought about it a lot but to quickly summarise before launching into it:

I think Jaime's part in this is a human failing. it wasn't a malicious or spiteful act, but an ignorant one

that said, I think it's basically unforgivable regardless. Tysha and Tyrion are the only people who could forgive him for this and even if Tyrion does, I really doubt we'll ever learn Tysha's feelings on the matter

imo the way in which Jaime ultimately decides to come clean is near enough the cruelest thing he does, even if he didn't mean it to be

so first off, I don't think Jaime has ever truly believed that Tyrion couldn't be loved (in the romantic sense, anyway). Jaime himself is someone who loves despite appearances, and it seems he knows pretty soon after telling Tyrion the lie about Tysha that it wasn't really a kindness, but in fact the worst thing he's ever done (so far!!)

I also think if it hadn't been for what Tywin subsequently put Tyrion and Tysha through with the guards, Jaime would've come clean shortly after telling the lie. but after that, no doubt it felt almost impossible to do so, because the damage was now outsized and there was little chance Tyrion and Tysha would be able to return to what they had.

but he does tell the lie to begin with, and I think that is because Jaime lives in an ableist society and is touched by the stink. he loves Tyrion and Tyrion's disability has never impeded that love, but it has meant that Jaime has failed him many times, sometimes without even knowing he has. for one thing, I think he has failed to realise just how much Tyrion has suffered through childhood. he comes to some revelation following his maiming at the hand of the mummers:

Sometimes he even wept, until he heard the Mummers laughing. Then he made his eyes go dry and his heart go dead, and prayed for his fever to burn away his tears. Now I know how Tyrion has felt, all those times they laughed at him. (JAIME IV, ASOS)

however, it suggests that whilst Jaime has never been laughing with 'them', the full extent of his understanding has necessarily been limited. besides that, I think Jaime has always been in a unique position where he could have definitively stood up to Tywin and Cersei in terms of how they treat Tyrion - he alone had the ability to withhold something until they did so, whether that be love or obedience. but obviously he lets his fear of his father/codependency with Cersei get in the way of that, so.

he's also carelessly partaken in ableism without thinking, indeed in front of Tyrion - whether that's in calling him 'the Imp' (something Tyrion can reclaim but Jaime certainly can't), or this fucking gem:

"Even if the boy does live, he will be a cripple. Worse than a cripple. A grotesque. Give me a good clean death." Tyrion replied with a shrug that accentuated the twist of his shoulders. "Speaking for the grotesques," he said, "I beg to differ. Death is so terribly final, while life is full of possibilities." (TYRION I, AGOT)

again, doesn't really matter if Jaime has been able to push past some of the ableism others have adopted, the stink is still on him.

so, when Tywin dictated the lie he wanted Jaime to tell, I can imagine he was in two minds. on the one hand, Jaime loves Tyrion, wants Tyrion to be happy, and would be pleased if Tyrion found happiness with someone who truly loves him back. once again, Jaime himself loves despite appearances, and so I don't think he would ever have found it inconceivable that Tysha honestly loved Tyrion.

but again, he lives in an ableist society, and so when Tywin tells Jaime that Tysha's love was cynical, that might have seemed possible, too. Jaime has grown up in a world that has called Tyrion a monster since birth. it doesn't matter if Jaime doesn't think Tyrion is a monster; he knows that much of the world does, and accepts (if only for a time) that Tywin's assessment of Tysha could be true.

then there's the fact that once Tywin has made a decision, perhaps Jaime thought Tyrion and Tysha's relationship was a lost cause; besides that, if Tysha were taking advantage, Jaime doesn't want Tyrion to be hurt by it. hence, "a kindness". it's all deeply flawed logic, but again, this isn't about malice or spite on Jaime's part: it's ignorance mixed up ableism, and human failing.

then ofc, Tywin does what he does to Tyrion and Tysha and that's it. Jaime figures there's no way he could tell Tyrion the truth now without causing him even greater pain, and keeps quiet for the foreseeable future, retaining that as one of his very deepest regrets. because Jaime knows near enough immediately that he was lying to himself as well: he knows full well that Tyrion can love and be loved, and yet he propagated Tywin's lie..... for what.

could get into the absolute fucking tragedy of Jaime and Tyrion, practically the only two out of the Tywin/Cersei/Jaime/Tyrion quartet with a genuinely uncomplicated, loving relationship, having their love turned to poison by the worst dad of all time. but another time

then to move into ASOS: look like I don't know if it was ever the right thing to tell Tyrion the truth once the thing was done. I can see both sides: one, Tyrion deserves to know that he can be loved, and has been loved. two, how the fuck is Tyrion supposed to feel knowing the truth, and that his whole life he's been living a lie.

but I think the biggest problem is that Jaime doesn't really reckon with that so much as his own desire to be honest and do right and come clean etc. he certainly knows how much he risks hurting Tyrion or else he wouldn't have kept quiet all this time, but it seems at least part of it is about honesty for the sake of cleansing himself rather than doing right by Tyrion.

he also. forgets to apologise??

"For your gold, Father said. She was lowborn, you were a Lannister of Casterly Rock. All she wanted was the gold, which made her no different from a whore, so . . . so it would not be a lie, not truly, and . . . he said that you required a sharp lesson. That you would learn from it, and thank me later . . ." "Thank you?" Tyrion's voice was choked. "He gave her to his guards. A barracks full of guards. He made me . . . watch." Aye, and more than watch. I took her too . . . my wife . . . "I never knew he would do that. You must believe me." (TYRION XI, ASOS)

like I think Jaime is honestly sorry. he's afraid to tell Tyrion because he's sorry, he accepts Tyrion's punch because he's sorry, etc. but he never manages to actually say it, he's too busy trying to make himself understood. he wants Tyrion to understand why he did what he did, and it's like. why would Tyrion give a fuck why right now, he'd trying to reckon with the impact it's had on him, and the fact that he and Tysha lost their happiness together and suffered so horribly for nothing.

so whilst I think it's human to botch an apology like this, to be so busy trying to explain yourself you forget to apologise at all, and that you're meant to be centring the victim of your wrong. but it is still fucking wrong lol. Jaime gets it so, so wrong.

all of that to say, I don't think Jaime has ever wanted to hurt Tyrion, but he has - he has hurt him badly. doesn't negate his love for Tyrion - it says in his own POV that Cersei and Tyrion are the two people he cares most about in the world. but he fucks it. partly because of the ableist society he lives in, partly because of the toxic family dynamic he's part of, and partly because he's human, and that's the tragedy.

#ask #jaime lannister #tyrion lannister #asoiaf

[teyamsatan]

Illicit Affairs | Chapter IX: Seven

Pairing: Neteyam x Human/Avatar!Reader

Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter VIII Chapter X

Synopsis: As your life comes to an end, someone you never thought you'd see again helps both you and Neteyam navigate your past and future.

Warnings: pure angst, mentions of death, mental illness, addiction, self-injury, no mentions of Y/N, cursing, some fluff, a lot of crying, like too much crying honestly

Word Count: 9,3k words

A/N: The second to last chapter is here, and with it also comes the beginning of the end. I am honestly so sad at the thought of this series finishing, I have spent every minute of my life thinking and living in it, and I am not ready for it to end (wink wink). This chapter was the most emotionally draining piece of writing I have ever done, but I am so happy with the way it turned out. I hope you like it, and that you find some comfort in this story, the way I found comfort in writing it and sharing it with you. I am so so excited about the last chapter, and I will start writing it right away. As always, thank you so much for engaging with my work and for all the support, I loved reading your comments and asks so so much, they make my life honestly. (Pls listen to seven by TS when reading this, I think it will enhance the experience x also jake saying babygirl does things to me ok byee x )

“Please, picture me in the trees, I hit my peak at seven Feet, in the swing over the creek, I was too scared to jump in Please picture me in the weeds, before I learnt civility I used to scream ferociously any time I wanted ...Are there still beautiful things?”

Neteyam left the clearing with so much anger it could be mined as a new energy source. He couldn’t believe this, couldn’t believe you. He was losing you, over and over, and now will lose you permanently. His heart bled so much, he didn’t think he could make it back to the village in the state he was in. He spent the last month of his life, the last month of your life, training you, ignoring his feelings for you, having dinner with another woman, when he should have been loving you, helping you heal and checking in on your human form, that he spent his whole life with and then abandoned for your Avatar. You took everything from him by keeping this a secret. His whole life, his future, the chance at any happiness or hope or trust in loved ones. He would never forgive you for this. You robbed him of everything and your death will bring his own, maybe not physical, but spiritual and emotional. 

He didn’t want to go back to the village, couldn’t go back to the village. He couldn’t hear it, couldn’t hear them talking about you, about your death, he couldn’t see them cry and mourn, for the woman he will love as long as his beating heart was still pumping blood, and not die, not collapse due to the overbearing weight of his broken soul. There was only one place he thought to go, only one place he might find any semblance of peace: Vitraya Ramunong, the Tree of Souls.

Norm and the Sullys were still in the tent, discussing ways to get you to accept the consciousness transfer, brainstorming every possible idea, even thinking of literally tying you to a bed and pumping you with the drugs that they knew would buy you, buy them some more time to change your mind. They all jumped at the screech that came from just outside their tent, and Jake got his gun resting by his side and saw the rest of his family arming themselves with bows and knives at the ominous sound. When they made it outside, they were shocked to see your ikran, a beautiful beast, batting her wings aggressively and hissing in their direction. 

“What is it, girl?” Jake said, approaching her carefully and petting her head gently. The ikran opened her mouth and took Jake’s hand in hers, which elicited a furious reaction from Neytiri, to which Jake raised his other hand in a calming gesture.

“She’s not hurting me, she’s pulling me away, towards the lab. I think she’s trying to tell us something.” 

His heart dropped at the thought of what could your ikran be wanting to show them so ardently, so urgently. He has never seen such behaviour from a banshee, and he realises painfully how much of an imprint you have made on this world, on life all around you. He wishes this world would have made as much of an impact on you, maybe if it had, you wouldn’t want to leave it so soon. 

Jake got on the banshee without making the bond, and she immediately took off. 

“Take the Ikrans or Pa’li and hurry to the lab, I have a really bad feeling.”

The last thing he saw is his entire family calling for their animals, the hurry and desperation enveloping all of them like a warm, suffocating blanket. 

The banshee landed in a small clearing with a river source in the middle of it. It was a beautiful place that Jake has somehow never stumbled through before, but he couldn’t think about it too much when another, more urgent matter caught his eye. A small and fragile frame, motionless on the ground. 

“KID!” He jumped from the back of the ikran like it was lava, and ran as quickly as he possibly could, kneeling on the ground next to you. His face immediately went to your masked one, trying to see if he could spot breathing. Two fingers rushed to your throat, looking for a pulse he couldn’t feel. 

“Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck, don’t do this to me, baby girl. Come on, please.” 

He removed your mask and starting giving you CPR, his two hands wrapped around each other in firsts as he rhythmically compressed your chest in the spot right on top of your heart. Thirty compressions, two breaths, thirty compressions, two breaths. He was trying so hard to remain calm and collected, but his mind was screaming with the image of you on the ground, dead or dying, he still didn’t know, alone, and he felt tears pool in his eyes. You have been alone for such a long time, and he was right: he never tried to understand what you must have been going through, how hard this life must have been for you on this planet your body didn’t belong on, with a soul so bright and wild that was continuously tamed by the fury of your own destiny, with which you battled your whole existence. Losing your mum changed you, finding your dad in the woods broke your spirit, and losing Neteyam took away the last shred of happiness you had, and they watched. He watched, unknowing and ignorant. He will never forgive himself if you died here, in his arms. 

He was continuing the CPR when his eyes snapped at something moving above his head. Jake stopped the chest compressions at the sight. Atokirina, dozens of them, floating down gently and peacefully until they reached your body, where they settled for a few seconds, before they all took flight again concomitantly. Jake thought that was a good sign, and, in a desperate attempt to add on to Eywa’s efforts, he brought up his fingers together in a fist, and with all his might, hit your unmoving chest, saying a silent prayer in his mind as he did so. 

With wide eyes and laboured breaths, Jake saw the small girl he’s known since she was born come back to life with a violent gasp. You immediately started coughing breathlessly, and Jake put your mask back over your face. He pressed a button and allowed you to take a few short, pained breaths. He felt relief wash all over him, but he knew he needed to go; you weren’t breathing properly, and he saw your face slowly turning purple. 

“It’s okay, baby girl. You’re going to be okay.”

With very little effort, Jake lifted you from the ground and carried you in his arms, running as fast as he could do without disturbing you even further. He couldn’t help wince as he was looking at your body, so weak and feeble, so different than the one he remembered. How did this happen? How did Norm and Max allow this? 

He made it to the lab shortly, and saw the whole family waiting for him there. Lo’ak, Kiri and Tuk all let out a shocked gasp at your lifeless form residing in Jake’s arms, but he couldn��t think about that now, he couldn’t worry about anything other than making sure you will survive this. 

Norm and Max let him in with their keycards and motioned hurriedly in the direction of the medical ward. He knew where to go, having been there a few times with soldiers who were sick, as well with his own kids when they got illnesses the Tsahik couldn’t cure. He hurried past all the hallways and entered and put you down as gently as he possibly could. Norm and Max burst through the door, getting all sorts of instruments and machines ready that Jake couldn’t name with a gun to his head. He silently got out of the way, and let them do what they did best. 

He got out of the room and grabbed Tuk in his arms, holding her tightly when she nuzzled her head in his neck and started silently sobbing. 

“What is going on?” Kiri, one of your best friends in the whole world, your sister, asked through shaky breaths and hushed cries. 

“Ma 'ite…” Neytiri said softly, hugging her kids close to her chest. 

“She’s sick, isn’t she? Like the people in the village?” 

“Yes, my sweet child.”

“But those people died.” Tuk said in between high pitched whimpers. 

Jake and Neytiri exchanged a knowing, sorrowful look, and tightened their grip on their children. 

Neteyam found the Tree of Souls to be deserted, as most Na’vi would be gone hunting or preparing for the upcoming war this time of day, or just taking shelter from the rain that has been pouring for days with no seeming intention of stopping. He knelt on the ground and peered up at the bright pink and purple tendrils of the sacred willow, taking in the beauty that he is yet to get over, even after coming here his whole entire life. A pained cry escaped his lips at the realisation he will never be able to show this to you. From the second he saw your Avatar body, dreams invaded his subconscious mind, dreams of when you would finally become one of the people, dreams of your soft hair bouncing on your beautiful back while you ran beneath the tree, dreams of his finally being able to make you his, the way he has wanted for so long. You were supposed to become one of the people, you were supposed to be his, his mate and the mother of his children, his Tsahik, the best Tsahik this clan had ever seen. How the fuck was he supposed to come to terms with this heartbreak, how was he ever supposed to be the same person again? You were in his life from the moment you were born. You were born just a couple of months apart, as if Eywa couldn’t wait any longer to join two souls who were meant to be. He couldn’t remember a day in his life when you weren’t there - even if not physically, you were always in his life, in his mind, your light forever permeated through every cell in his body. You were the only fact of life he was sure of, how was he supposed to live without you?

“I have another quote that reminds me of you, though.” 

Patting the spot next to you, you signalled for him to lie down. He did, although his legs were completely off the bed, the tiny contraption barely able to accommodate his torso. You let out a small laugh, but seemed happy to have him so close. 

You placed your head on his chest, and he prayed you couldn’t hear the way his heart felt like it was trying to escape his chest at your proximity and warmth. You opened the book and looked for the quote. 

“Ah, there is it.” You cleared your throat, then continued. “He is more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” 

“I like that.” He felt bashful at your admission of how you viewed him. You were always braver than him when it comes to your feelings. You never said them out right, but you always gave enough proof through moments like these, when you would sing a song, or read him a section of a book you thought resonated with you.

“Read more. Is there anything else in that book that reminds you of us?” 

You blushed, but flipped through more pages. You have him a knowing look, and read from the book you gripped on so tightly your knuckles turned white.

“My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries, and I watched and felt each from the beginning: my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it. My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary.”

He couldn’t help think of that quote, and how deeply you both felt for each other, how this world is dull and senseless, meaningless and bleak without the other. “If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger”. He never quite understood the magnitude of this quote until today, when he stared at your dying body, until he was here, kneeling under the Tree of Souls, knowing soon you might not be part of his universe anymore, willing to beg Eywa until his knees bleed for another chance, for one more try. 

“Great Mother,” he starts as he reaches for the queue and brings it to one of the tendrils he was softly grasping in his hand, “I need your help. I’m begging you for help.” 

His queue wraps around the mauve willow branch and he inhales faintly at the bond, as he is transported across dimensions, to another plane of being, higher than any living thing had access to except in this way.

He woke up in the last place he thought he would, the lab. The damn lab, with its white, too-white walls and a smell that always burned his nostrils and a coldness that he would never get used to, no matter how many days he has spent here in his life. Without you in it, it was unnatural and unwelcoming, and he didn’t want to be here a second longer than he needed to.

“Ma 'itan.” he heard a voice call out to him from inside one of the rooms, and he made his way slowly towards it, feet hurting from the biting temperature of the smooth tiles. He passed a mirror that was hung on one of the walls, and was startled to see himself in it, only it appeared more like a window to the past, as the face looking back at him was young, no older than 10. 

He continued on, and eventually reached it. It was dark, except the light from a computer screen and one desk lamp gently illuminating the room. Sat on a chair was a woman, beautiful and elegant, with light curly hair that reached her torso and kind features, that reminded him so much of her daughter, so much so that it made his heart constrict in pain. 

“Neteyam, my boy, it’s so good to see you!”

“Auntie Jo?” 

“You’ve grown so much, ma 'itan. You’ve become a handsome young man.”

“Auntie Jo, what’s going on? Why am I here?” 

“You’ve come to ask for help from the Great Mother. The Great Mother doesn’t take sides, son, you know that. She protects only the balance of life.”

“Yes, and her life hangs in the balance. I need Eywa to help, I need Eywa to save her, because her life has never been balanced. There’s never been anything fair about her life, and this second chance is the balance. It’s what she deserves, a lifetime of happiness to make up for all the hurt the Universe has put her through.”

“I see you are still my daughter’s angel, even after all this time. You always took care of her, from when you were both babies. We used to put you in the same crib and you would go to sleep holding hands. You both used to cry whenever it was time for us to return to the lab. Eventually, we had to give you a piece of clothing of the other, so you could sleep peacefully through the night. I always knew you were supposed to end up together. It’s part of the reason I worked so hard to decode the Avatar for her.” 

“She’s dying. She’s dying and there’s nothing I can do! I need you to help me save her, I need to do something, I need something to stop the way it feels like I’m being ripped apart at every seam in my body. I have never known such pain, I never knew it was possible for a body to hurt so badly from a wound that doesn’t even exist.” 

The woman rose from the chair and took Neteyam in her arms, allowing him to place his head on her shoulders and cry. Neteyam tightened his arms around her and held her, crying, releasing all the grief he was feeling for his love, for his future, for her.

“If you feel it, son, then it exists. If you feel her, then she exists, and she will exist forever. In truth, there is nothing any of us can do, except love her and be there for her. My daughter has grown so much, and so much grief grew along with her. And she learnt how to let grief grow until it is so big it cannot be contained within her body from me. But there’s still time for her to grow, too. Grow bigger than the grief. She needs you, Neteyam. She needs you to be her light one last time. She needs you right now. You should go before it’s too late.”

Neteyam woke up like from a dream and removed his queue from the tree so quickly it hurt him and he felt the pain travel all the way to the tip of his toes. It didn’t matter, he thought. He could be scalped right now and he would still be calling his ikran with enough might to wake up the entire forest. As soon as she arrived at the foot of the tree, he got on her and motioned for her to take off, no other thoughts than the words your mother uttered echoing in his ears. I need to get to the lab, fuck, I hope I’m not too late. I can’t be too late. It can’t be too late.

He completely spaced out until he reached the lab, so it was like he blinked and he was there. He saw your ikran next to the entrance of the lab and felt his pulse quicken so fast he almost fell off his own with how faint it made him. He knocked on the door forcefully and incessantly until Lo’ak came and opened it. His baby brother’s eyes were red and damp and he looked sick and tired; Neteyam couldn’t remember the last time he has ever seen Lo’ak in this state - he didn’t think he ever had. The lump that formed in Neteyam’s throat stopped him from speaking, and he looked at his brother with desperation laced on every feature, silently pleading to be put out of his misery.

“She collapsed outside the lab. She was in a clearing a few minutes from here. Her ikran came to the village and took dad to where she was, and he brought her here.”

Lo’ak started crying again, bringing a hand to his face to hide himself, and Neteyam took him in his arms and hugged him. 

“She was dead, bro. Dad said she was dead. Her heart stopped and he managed to start it back up again, but she has been in the room with Norm and Max for a while, she won’t wake up. She’s been sick for a month and we didn’t know. I didn’t know!”

Neteyam let Lo’ak cry it out, feeling his own hurt being pushed aside at the sight of his baby brother needing a shoulder to cry on. He couldn’t be weak when his family needed him. 

Eventually they made their way down the corridor until they reached the rest of their family, and he saw it, saw you, and it immediately made his sick. He’s struggled to keep down whatever food he still had in his system at the terrorising sight - you, lying on a white framed bed, unconscious, with tubes coming in and out of you, so many tubes he was losing count. He saw the tubes coming out of machines that were beeping, and one of them was removing blood from your body and then pushing it back in, and Neteyam felt weak in the knees taking it all in. 

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF STAGE IV: BARGAINING

You woke up in a daze, feeling heavy and numb, like that one time you were 16 and you took one too many sleeping pills and you needed 3 days to ride out the consequences. You frowned deeply at the bright artificial lights that were bearing down on you, and you realised you were in the medical ward of the hub. You faintly heard the ECG machine beeping, and you knew at least you weren’t dead yet. You don’t know how much time it’s been, the last thing you remember is Neteyam turning his back on you in the clearing.

“You’re a coward…”

You felt your heart hurt, although the pain was not physical, it wasn’t an arrhythmia or fibrillation or asystole, it was worse. It was a kind of pain you can’t fix with some pills or a defibrillator or some epinephrine to restart the heart. It didn’t work that way. This pain you would have to ride out, have to hope it will pass in time. 

He was right. You were a coward, have been your whole life. There was no point denying it any longer, no point hiding behind a facade of eye rolls and straight faces. You killed yourself slowly and painfully, for years - taking pills, taking too many pills, ignoring the pleas from your mind that told you it was slowly losing focus, that couldn’t handle pain as well anymore, that couldn’t sleep unless it was practically mush by the time your head hit the pillow. You told yourself it was unfortunate that you got the virus, that you hated it and that you were working for cure, but in reality you were kind of relieved when it happened. Because now you had an excuse, and you didn’t have to do any of the heavy lifting yourself. 

You were a coward, refusing to get help or let yourself be loved, let yourself be mourned, because you didn’t want to deal with it. You refused to tell Neteyam, the man who has loved you and been your rock your whole life, who, despite everything that went on between you, would always be yours, and who you knew would suffer immensely because of your passing, because you didn’t want to suffer with him. You didn’t tell Norm and Max, because you knew they would make you get help, and try to get you to heal and stay alive longer, and you didn’t want that. You didn’t tell Jake or Neytiri, or the kids, because no parent or sibling should have to watch their kid, their sister die, and you thought by pushing them away and blaming them for Neteyam’s indiscretion, you would be able to soften the blow. But most of all, you didn’t tell them because you didn’t want to know that people do love you, would suffer because of you, that your death impacted lives around you. You didn’t need the guilt. 

Nobody was paying attention to you, you realised. You briefly saw Norm and Max hurrying around you out of the corner of your eye, and saw a dialysis machine retrieving your blood through a tube coming from your neck. You were going into multiple organ failure, you deduced. Your heart and lungs were shot, your kidneys were shot, you didn’t have much time left.

You wanted to speak, you wanted to scream for Neteyam, for all of them, and apologise. You knew what it meant to lose people, better than most. You were sorry for knowing you will put these people you loved so much through so much pain. You were sorry things turned out like this, that you weren’t stronger, that your heart was so broken it found comfort in the pain and was too scared to heal. The tube coming out of your mouth didn’t allow for that. You felt tears falling from your eyes and then slowly the heaviness taking over, pushing your eyelids shut, and the last thing you heard was the unmistakable sound of a flatline, and screams all around you. 

You woke up dazed, needing a few second to take in your surroundings. You had no idea where you were, it isn’t a place you have ever seen before. You looked, trying to accommodate to the light shining brightly from an orb in the sky, and when you couldn’t see Polyphemus and its moons in the sky, you knew you were no longer on Pandora. It took a while, but you eventually realised you were on Earth. You turned around, taking in all of your surroundings, and felt amazed at the unfamiliar new sights. In front of you stood a house. On the smaller side (you thought, based on all the Hollywood movies you’ve seen), with a blue paintcoat and surrounded by a short brown fence, it had flowers you were fascinated by and shrubbery surrounding it, giving it an unkept look - you loved it. It was not like the houses you have seen in the movies, perfect and artificial, with human precision to ruin what Mother Earth put there for a reason. Behind you were paved roads, but nobody was around. There were no other houses, the one in front of you solitary and quiet, except for a rhythmic sound you could hear from somewhere behind it, although you could not place it, as the house was on a little hill. 

You made your way towards the entrance quietly, and were pleasantly surprised when the little fence opened at your slightest push, so you continued through the cobblestone path, until you were standing face to face with a white door. You felt yourself curiously knocking on it, hoping someone could let you in and explain to you what was going on, why were you here, what was this place? Was this the afterlife? Were you in heaven? 

After waiting a few minutes at the door with no answer, you touched the handle and pressed gently, surprised again when it opened to you. You felt a strange smell envelop you, it was a completely new olfactory experience than you have ever had, and you realised you loved it -  it was a rich and warm smell, and you had to swallow as it seemed to trigger hunger in your system. The room you were in was a little claustrophobic, but you couldn’t help thinking if was homely and snug and felt a strange familiarity as you walked through the dimly lit narrow hallway. Right by the entrance to the right was a brighter, doorless room that probably served as a library once - the walls were covered in thick mahogany shelves filled to the brim with colourful books, and a beautiful dark brown desk was placed in the middle of it, with a fuzzy looking carpet adorning the wooden floors. Further in the hallway, frames with photos of people you couldn’t really place were decorating the blue walls and you smiled taking them all in. A photo of 3 people at the beach, a family, you noted, a photo in a beautiful location somewhere in the mountains, a photo of a dad carrying a small girl on his back, both of them laughing widely - all so beautiful, so intimate. On one of the images was scribbled something that caught your attention. It was an image of a girl, young and beautiful, with light and wavy hair and holding what you knew from movies to be a graduation gown, throwing her cap in the air. The handwritten note on it said “Our little Marj graduating summa cum laude at only 18! - Johns Hopkins, June 2123.” 

Shocked, you removed the frame from the wall and looked at it closer. Your mum. This was your mum’s house, the house she grew up in as a child. What were you doing here? What was happening to you? You held on to the picture as you moved through the house that eventually opened into a big and brightly lit room, that served as both the kitchen and the living room. In the corner of the room lay a beautiful grand piano and a few guitars, all on stands. Through the big windows and the door that opened to the backyard, you saw a large body of water, and you realised the noises you were hearing earlier were waves, crashing on the sandy beach. You have never seen anything like it and couldn’t help stare for a while, just taking in the beauty of this world you never thought you would be able to experience for yourself. You found yourself picking up one of the guitars on the stand that you knew was your mum’s, since it was the same one you have…. had on Pandora, and opened the door to the outside, slowly walking towards the open sea. 

You frowned as you made your way through the fine warm sand at all these new experiences and sensations you have never had before, and the frown deepened at a blanket on the ground, almost inviting you to sit down, almost as if it was laid out for you. Feeling safe and blissful in this new world you now inhabited, you allowed yourself to do as you were silently bid. 

You loved the malleable feeling of the sand as you stretched your legs and noticed it moved to accommodate your body. The blanket was soft, and you felt inspired to pick up the guitar and tune it, strumming it gently. You couldn’t believe what was happening to you, the fact that you were here, on Earth, in your mum’s childhood home. You didn’t know what to think, but you thought that if this is death, maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. 

“My love.” 

That voice. Your breathing and hands both stopped to bring you to a dead still. Your eyes immediately filled with tears that spilled like effortless waterfalls, a visceral reaction to a voice you never thought you’d ever hear again. Your head snapped in the direction of the voice so quickly it gave you whiplash, but you didn’t care. Nothing else mattered in this life but this voice. 

“Mum??” You got up to your feet as rapidly as your human body could handle and ran in the arms of the woman you loved more than anything in this world, more than life itself. You were sobbing as you removed yourself form her arms, touching her face with your hands, touching her arms, making sure she was real, that she was here. 

“Oh my God, baby, it’s ok, I’m right here.” 

She was trying to calm you down enough so you could utter a word, but you couldn’t, you couldn’t stop wailing, couldn’t stop your body expelling so many tears you completely soaked the top of her t-shirt. 

Slowly, she moved you to where you were sat just a few minutes ago, and you were a blubbering mess, unable to utter a single syllable to this woman you have spoken enough to fill out novels in your dreams, in your thoughts, in your soul. 

“You’re alright, my love. Everything’s alright.” She was removing tears as they fell from your eyes with her palm, gently cupping your face and smiling at you, with enough warmth you knew it could power up this whole world if she let it. 

Eventually, you found your voice. “Mum, what is this? How are you here? Am I dead?”

She laughed at your barrage of questioning, remembering fondly how you have always been such a curious cat, always had so many questions for her, relentless in your quest for knowledge. 

“You’re with Eywa, my love. We’re with Eywa. And no, you are not dead yet.”

“Yet?”

“Yes, baby. It seems Eywa is not quite done with you yet.”

“What does the Great Mother want from me?”

“I think she wants you to make a choice, baby.”

“I’ve already made my choice.” 

“I don’t think you have, my love.” 

You thought about her words for a while. You thought you made your choice. I mean, you were here, weren’t you? Dead. Or in purgatory, one of the two, but still, not alive. You thought about your life. About your beautiful mother sitting in front of you, and the moment she gave her last breath to the world. Her funeral, rain pouring over you like the endless sorrow that hasn’t left you since. You thought about how hard it was to sleep at night, how the nightmares never stopped, how the sadness became a confidant you knew you could never shake - you knew you didn’t want to shake. You thought about your dad - the guilt you felt because of him, his actions, his murders, how they haunted you in dark corridors, how the Na’vi people cursed you in your dreams and told you you were a demon, just like he was. You thought about his body in the woods, his exo-suit that he left a few steps behind, and how you couldn’t walk barefoot after that. You thought about the pills, your only friends, the only cure for your debilitating insomnia. You thought about your sleep paralysis demons, crawling on top of you and sitting on your chest until you couldn’t breathe anymore, watching you scream and laughing at you mockingly, how they always looked like you, how they were just a dark, cursed version of yourself, the you you knew you looked like in your soul. You thought about Neteyam leaving - the last straw, the one that left you irreparably broken, the one that skinned you alive and left you for dead. 

You thought you made your choice. 

“I miss you, ma. So much.” The crying never stopped, but you held her hand and tried to revel in the feeling, in knowing she was here and you were with her. Even if you weren’t sure about your choice before, you were when you looked into her bright and caring eyes. “I just found you, I can’t lose you again.”

“I miss you, too, bunny. I have kept an eye on you for almost 9 years, everyday regretting not fighting harder to be in your life.”

You frowned at her words. “You fought hard, ma. Your death was a tragedy, but it was unavoidable.”

“Maybe.”

“What do you mean maybe?”

“I mean I fell in the same bad patterns as you did, bunny. I could have asked Mo’at for the transfer, but I didn’t. Just like you didn’t. It hurts me so much to see you make the same mistakes as I did. I love you so much, and I wish I could have healed enough in life to not bestow on you this grief. I wish I could have been braver and stronger, I wish I could have asked for help when I felt like the world was caving in on itself on top of me. Maybe if I did, then you wouldn’t be here.

When your dad died, most of me died along with him. Having to have and raise you by myself was the toughest thing I have ever had to brave. And I’d like to think I did a good job, and it was easy enough, because you were the best baby anyone’s ever had, but inside I was screaming. Every night was hell and I struggled with surviving for the rest of my life. When the cancer came, I was terrified to leave you, I was terrified of knowing you would have to be in this world alone, but selfishly, I was relieved. Because the hurt would finally stop. Mo’at, Jake, Neytiri, Norm, Max, everyone tried to get me to accept the consciousness transfer, but I didn’t. Because it was my consciousness that was killing me slowly. A new body wasn’t going to change that.”

You were reeling at the confession, finding it hard to keep breathing, hard to keep going, even in death. Was there no peace? Were you never going to be at peace? You felt so sad at her words, so angry at her admitting she didn’t let you in, that she abandoned you without fighting as hard as she possibly could to heal, to stay alive for you. She lied about being happy, about you being everything she ever needed, she died without even trying the consciousness transfer. How could she ever d-

You gasped in shock at the realisation. 

“What, was I supposed to find you dead one day and that was it? That was what I deserved from you, after all the blood, sweat and tears I gave you? You said I took your choice away. You wouldn’t have even given me a choice to say goodbye to the love of my life before you fucking died!”

“You had a choice. You could have come to the many people who love you, love you unconditionally, and told us, and let us in, and let us help you. You could have gotten help, taken the pills, fight your damn hardest to make this work, to find a cure, for the life your mum gave you, the life she would have to watch you throw away. You have a choice now. To want to live, to want to fight through this and come out the other side a new, better person. To let me love you, let people love you. To do the consciousness transfer and be with me, and be happy, forever. And you’re choosing this.“

“Baby, are you still with me?”

All of a sudden, all new thoughts entered your mind from the ones before. You thought you made your choice. But then you thought about Pandora, the beautiful world you loved so much, that despite not being born for, you climbed its trees and ran its grounds like you had. You thought about how happy laying on the grass made you, just feeling how each blade tickled your skin and brought a laughter that was so pure, so unassuming - so real. You thought about your guitar, and the guitar Neteyam gave you, and the peace you felt when you played them, when you sang your feelings, like a litany to cleanse your soul.

You thought about Kiri - your beautiful sister who you scoured the woods with, finding rocks and flowers and watching her crafting necklaces while the light shone brightly on your faces. You thought about Lo’ak. Your movie marathons, the endless laughter and the warmth he brought to your soul, that felt forever childlike when around him. You thought about Spider, the monkey boy who was the only one who could truly understand what you were going through as a human child growing on a different planet.

You thought about Norm and Max, how they raised you without ever asking for anything in return, how they kept you in their lab and bestowed upon you all of their knowledge and skill and the look they gave you whenever you put anything they taught you to good use. You thought about Jake and Neytiri, your surrogate parents that you always pushed away, and they always came back, loving you unconditionally despite all your emotional shortcomings. You thought about Tuk, how she looked at you like you were the most amazing sister she had, how you used to be the only one who could put her to sleep when she was a fussy infant, how she loved your voice and clung to your every word.

You thought about your mum, who despite being gone for almost a decade, you still felt in you every day, whenever you touched a book you know she loved, whenever you were in the lab, whenever you looked in the mirror and the eyes that greeted you might as well be hers. Finally, you thought about Neteyam. The person you loved more than life itself, more than the sun and the moon, more than every star in the sky. The person who has been here all your life, who stood by you no matter what, who only left so you didn’t have to suffer further. You thought about his smile, his eyes which were like the lighthouse that would always guide you home, his touch that brought life back into you, his love for you, that shone bright and eternal. 

You realised then you weren’t ready to say goodbye to all of those things, you wanted more, needed more. You wanted to know what it was like to live, fully live, you wanted to know what it felt like to have a proper family, you wanted to give yourself fully to the man you loved, you wanted to know if your kids would have your mum’s eyes and their dad’s kindness and patience. You wanted to experience Pandora’s sky with Neyn, and you wanted to find a cure for the virus that killed you. You wanted to help the Na’vi fight the Sky People, and you wanted to show them there are good humans out there, and you come from one, and are one. You needed more time. 

You were crying so hard you felt your hand going and grasping at your heart, trying to somehow claw through your chest and grasp it in your palms and hold it, trying to stop it from hurting. “I need to go back. I have to go back, I need more time.”  

As soon as you said that, you heard a sound coming from the sky, almost like far away thunder. You didn’t know what it was, but you didn’t have time to think about it. 

“Ma, I have to go back. I have to make it right. I’m not ready, mum. I’m not ready to go yet.” 

“I know, baby. It seems you finally made your choice.” 

You saw far into the distance, and saw the edges of the world dissipate slowly, leaving behind a white glow in their wake. You knew what was coming, you knew the one thing you still had to do before it happened.

“Mum, I forgive you. I’m so sorry life took so much from you and I am sorry I couldn’t help more. I’m sorry you had to hurt alone. I love you so much, I will always love you. You will always be a part of me. I forgive you.” 

You saw your beautiful mum take a deep breath in, and her body started glowing with the same glow that was gently overtaking the world. 

“I have roamed this world for almost 10 years, unable to move on. I am finally free, my love. I can rest now. Thank you.” 

Before she would inevitably leave you again, you needed to know one more thing.

“Mum, was my dad evil?”

“Oh, baby. Your dad was a beautiful soul, and although he had many flaws, he was not evil. When you are ready to open your bottom desk drawer, make sure you look around you as well. All will be revealed in time, my love. And listen to Kiri more when she talks to you about plants, you might be surprised what could come of it.” She smiled kindly and gave you a mischievous wink, and with that, she vanished. 

“MUM!” You screamed, anguished at losing her again. 

You heard her voice echo in the sky. 

“Do not go gentle into that good night, 

Old age should burn and rave at close of day

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

You smiled through tears at the poem she used to read you at least once a week when you were a baby. Once it was done, her voice was replaced with another, and you realised what the previous sounds in the sky were. The only voice in the world that mattered.

“Atan! Please come back, please come back. You can’t leave me, please!”

I’m coming, my light. 

“Push another round of Epi.” 

Neteyam watched as the two humans were working tirelessly to try to bring you back to life. He thought he knew what pain was, what grief and sorrow were, but realised he didn’t - not until the last 30 minutes, as he saw you die in front of him, not until he saw your body being electrocuted and needles going in your heart, not until not any of this torture worked, not until you were still dead, not until his worst fear in life materialised like a bad magic trick. 

“We’ve been doing this for too long, Norm. Even if she comes back now, her brain was without oxygen for 30 minutes and I-“

“Just fucking do it, Max!” 

Neteyam saw Norm get the machine with the two pads that shocked your body ready again, and he felt himself hope, just a little hope, for the last time. He heard himself talk over the noise, over the constant flat tone of the machine that was connected to your heart.

“Atan! Please come back, please come back. You can’t leave me, please!”

Norm put the pads on your body as soon as Max injected you with what they called Epi. 

“CLEAR!” He screamed and pressed the handles of the pads, and your body convulsed violently at the shock they administered. 

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.  

The room went completely quiet. He saw Norm and Max look at you with mouths agape and then look at each other. Then they started crying. 

“We have sinus rhythm.”

Neteyam felt his heartbeat thump in his chest, felt dizzy and confused. The beeping was different than the tone he heard before. Why were they crying? He turned around to face his family and noticed them hugging, and laughing wildly, screaming and crying at the sight, and he let himself believe, for a second, that this was not bad news.

“What is sinus rhythm?” He said, voice hoarse from the amount of crying he had lived through. 

“She’s alive.” Norm says through panted breaths and muted tears. 

She’s alive. She’s alive. She’s alive. She’s alive. 

It felt like Neteyam took his first breath, like he was born again. They say every Na’vi is born twice, and although the second one was technically when he became a man, he would argue the second time was right now. Those words brought him back to life, in an instant and he felt like he could finally breathe. He could finally live.

“Neteyam”, Max puts a hand on his shoulder, “She’s been dead for 30 minutes. She is alive, but we don’t know what state she will be in when and if she wakes.”

No, you will be fine. He had no doubt in his mind anymore. Eywa has spoken. Eywa brought you back for a reason. 

Hours passed, and you didn’t wake. The two scientists gave you pills and liquids that were going in you through various tubes in your body. Neteyam was tortured at the sight, but was consoled with knowing these were keeping you alive. Eventually, they left you to rest, not being able to do anything more until you would wake up… if you woke up. His parents and siblings, and Spider also left, not too far, as they decided to sleep in the hub. Neteyam stood by your side the whole time. He held your hand which felt so small in his much bigger one, and found himself tracing every hair, blemish and vein on your arm. His gaze then shifted onto your face, which looked peaceful, a deep contrast to the one he saw just half a day ago, although it felt like a different life ago. Your beautiful lips were slightly parted as you were breathing with the help with a transparent mask that covered half your face. Your cheeks had a rosy tint to it, and were marked by shadows given by your eyelashes that were resting on them. Your forehead was finally free of the scowl or frown that seemed to plague it most days, giving you a serene look about you. Angel.

Neteyam’s gaze fell around the room, taking in all the equipment that was required to keep you alive. He learned that the beeping machine was called an electrocardiogram, and through the little sensors on your chest, it could feel your heartbeat. He learned that the machine that was pumping your blood was called a dialysis machine, and it was helping you clear your blood of waste since your body couldn’t do that by itself anymore. He learned the mask was helping you breathe, since you body couldn’t that by itself either. He was eternally grateful to these machines, and the men wielding them, for the part they were playing in you not being taken away from him. He has never liked humans, but more and more, he could understand their beauty, and that, in their own way, they were just doing their best - isn’t that the only thing one can hope for? 

Neteyam was pulled out of his musings by the tiniest movement of your hand that was rested in his. He immediately snapped his eyes to your hand, and gasped loudly when you moved again - just a small twitch, nothing more, but it was enough to electrify his entire body, deep shockwaves running through him from where you touched him to each extremity. His gaze shifted on to your face, and his breath stopped when his eyes met yours. You looked tired, so tired, but alive. Your eyes crinkled at the sides as you gave him a smile, and his world shifted on its axis, never to be the same again. Your hand slowly and shakily made its way to the mask rested on your face, and you pulled on it until it came off, looking like the movement hurt, like it took all the effort you had. He could see your smile properly now, the most beautiful sight he has ever laid his eyes on - this world, the sky, this entire universe could not hold a candle to this smile. 

“Hi.” You said through shallow panted breaths. 

Neteyam cried, his tears flowing freely, the weight of this day bearing down on him heavily, even as he was watching you, feeling you, seeing you alive. He smiled as he brought his big hand to your face, and cupped it as gently as he knew how. You put your hand over his slowly and deliberately, and continued smiling even with the tears that were making their way down your cheeks and into your smile. 

“Hi.” That’s all he could say, and he knew it was enough. 

It was insane - the thought of having to leave your side for even the split of a second, but he knew his family would never forgive him if he didn’t tell them you were awake. So he went, running through the corridors of the labs and hub, trying to find his way, screaming for them at the top of his lungs, hoping he wouldn’t have to waste time searching. Eventually, they came out panicked, praying they won’t have to hear the worst. They were exalted when that wasn’t the case, and Neteyam saw his three younger siblings, as well as his honorary brother, run as fast as the lab allowed towards the room you were in. He followed suit, sending a glowing, relieved, happy smile towards their parents, which they returned with the same enthusiasm. Norm and Max were already in the room when they arrived, alerted by all the commotion. They were checking in on you, adjusted medicines and slowly removing the mask from around your face. 

You were in a lot of pain, that you could feel even with the morphine you knew was supposed to keep your body nice and numb, although you suspected you were the reason it wasn’t working as well as it should. You felt every breath, every heartbeat, like it was a shot to the chest, but you didn’t complain, and stood there as your two favourite humans were working hard trying to make sure you were going to be alive for longer than a few minutes this time. You felt an immense sense of gratitude at their help and their incessant need to keep you safe and healthy, despite how horribly you treated both of them. You hoped you can earn their forgiveness in time. In time… you smiled softly at the thought. You had time. 

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF STAGE V: ACCEPTANCE

You were startled at all the sounds and voices coming from the corridors, and you jumped out of your skin when you saw four figures rushing towards you smiling and crying, laughing at you and approaching your body and the bed without concern for all the equipment or the tubes, or Norm and Max. You tried laughing at the endearing sight, but could only manage a forced exhale.

“You’re alive!” Tuk’s soft sobs brought you to tears again, all the events of the last few days quickly taking a toll on your already jagged body.

You nodded softly at her, giving her the biggest smile you could muster. You looked up at Lo’ak and Kiri and felt them taking each of your hand in theirs and tugging at them, holding you with whatever they could without inconveniencing you too much. Lo’ak was tugging at the IV going in your vein, making it hurt, but you couldn’t care less. You were so happy to see him, see them, so happy they found it in their infinite hearts to forgive you. You didn’t know how you still had enough fluid in you to produce even more tears, but there they were, falling again. 

Neteyam walked into the room with his parents, who both brought their hands to their face at the sight of you, and looked at you with so much love your heart tugged painfully. You couldn’t speak, there were no words to convey the love and appreciation you had for them, for this family you gained, the family you would never leave again. Instead, you weakly, with all the power you had, brought your curled finger to your forehead and motioned towards them. I see you, I’m sorry. I see you. 

Neytiri let out a cry and approach your legs, which she grabbed with her hands and held them softly, giving you a small squeeze. 

Neteyam made his way to your side again, and pushed Lo’ak out of the way so he could be close to you, and took your hand in his again, holding to you tightly. You have never seen him like this, so possessive, so desperate to hold you, and you thought you would probably be the same if you watched him die in front of you. You brought his hand to your lips slowly and kissed it. Thank you.

You would have a lifetime to catch up and tell them everything you have wanted to say out loud your whole life but were too afraid to, but in order to do that, you had one thing to do first. You turned your attention to Kiri, who was still holding on to the arm Neteyam wasn’t. 

Finally, you found your voice. It was raw and guttural, and cracked every other word, but it was there. You would learn to use it again in time. 

“What do you say you and me kill this virus, forever?” 

Passed down like folk songs, Our love lasts so long

Tag list (thank you thank you thank you x): @nuhteyam @eywas-heir @fanboyluvr @mashiromochi @puffb4ll @sassy-persona @simp4ff @mommyneytiri @inomoikawa @jackiehollanderr @jaysarchiv3 @meivap @dakotali @hlhl99 @eskamybeloved @erenjaegerwifee @winchestertitties @mommyneytiri @ultimatebluff @elizarikaallen @yeosxxx @ssc7514 @lolcaca @jackiehollanderr @bunnyrose01 @therealbloom @neteyams-queue @ @r1dd1kulus

#neteyam #neteyam x human!reader #neteyam x reader #neteyam fanfic #neteyam reader #neteyam sully #avatar #avatar twow #avatar fanfic #neteyam x avatar!reader #neteyam sully fanfiction #neteyam angst #awow #awow neteyam #loak reader #avatar loak #jake sully #dilf jake sully #sully!reader #sully family x reader #sully family x sully!reader

[somber-sapphic]

hey lovey! could you possibly do 3 and 11A from the prompts for wandanat or marina? you choose!

I was thinking they work themselves too hard until they can’t deny they are unwell. Then they collapse and terrify their girlfriends, and fluffy sick comfort after ❤️

Perfect Partners

〖Notes: Hi sweet anon! I'm so sorry, this one slipped through the cracks I just found it in my drafts and finished it up. Please forgive my medical words, I am very much not a medical professional, my knowledge all comes from Grey's Anatomy and Google. I hope you enjoy! (for some reason my Station 19 fics always get long)〗

〖Summary: What you thought was a cold lands you in the hospital.〗

〖Word Count: 1.9k〗

〖Pairing: Marina x Sick Reader〗

〖Warnings: IV, hospital setting -not sure if this is a real warning but hospitals terrify me so I figured I'd add it in-〗

☾Masterlists☽

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

You slammed your fists against the punching bag, breathing heavily through your mouth as cold rivulets of sweat rolled down your back. Every few breaths were punctuated by a cough, but there wasn’t much you could do about that.

Maya had invited you to the gym, and while you both normally preferred to work out separately, it was her way of mending the argument you’d had the night before.

It was one you’d had frequently, where you would yell about her dangerous career while she bit back about your boring one. Carina hadn’t been home to mediate, leaving the two of you to fight it out on your own.

The blonde asked you to come to the gym as her way of extending the olive branch, apologizing for the way she had spoken to you. Your acceptance was your way of doing the same. You loved her so much, even with the fights. She understood that they came from a place of fear, and both of you felt guilty every time.

The firefighter had been glancing over at you for about twenty minutes now as you moved from machine to machine, listening to your wheezy breaths and heavy coughs. Of course, she knew that it was time to go home, but she was worried about how to bring it up.

Maya knew that you had a habit of getting defensive when it came to your health—probably a side effect of living with a doctor and a paramedic—and didn’t want a repeat of last night. However, as the morning went on, the woman was beginning to realize that it was time to get you home and into bed.

You threw another punch and gasped, a sudden sharp pain in your chest. You doubled over a bit and started to cough, unable to contain it. Luckily, the two of you were early enough that the gym was mostly empty, but the two or three other patrons cast you a disgusted look; one even stepped off his machine to move to the other side of the room. You couldn’t blame him.

“Woah, okay, your complexion is scaring me. Please sit down.” Maya’s hand fell on your back, and she eased you onto the floor, not shying away from your very sweaty self. Nevertheless, she rubbed between your shoulder blades until you were able to regain your breath.

“Okay, come on. Let’s go shower, then I’ll take you home,” the blonde said, her voice soft but firm. You groaned softly and shook your head, moving to check the tape across your knuckles. It had slipped a bit, but there wasn’t any damage to your hands. You hadn’t done a great job of wrapping them; you had been too shaky.

“No, you’re not done with your workout. I’ll just maybe sit, do one of the leg machines so that you can finish,” you replied, your lips fumbling over the words. You were still struggling to catch your breath, the combination of the workout and the chest cold not working in your favor.

“We’re done. Shower at home or here?” She decided, bracing your elbows to hold you up. The medic knew that she wouldn’t be able to discern your temperature until you cooled down from the workout, but based on how you had looked this morning, she was guessing that you at least had a little fever.

Maya was wracking her brain, coming up with every instance over the last few days that you had seemed even the least bit off. During your argument the night before, you had started to cry, but it was a hard topic she didn’t think too much of. Now that she was looking back, though, she was able to name probably ten instances where you had acted out of the ordinary.

She should have noticed it earlier and was already beating herself up over it.

You shrugged, not really wanting to shower anywhere. You were tired and felt gross, and now that it was all up in the air, you kind of wanted just to go home.

The blonde caressed your cheek and kissed your sweaty forehead, grimacing at the sweat covering your skin. It wasn’t the grossest thing she’d seen that week; her job generally consisted of dirt, smoke, blood, sweat, and other fluids, but it wasn’t lovely either.

“Okay, let's get you rinsed off really quick, and then we can go home.” You didn't have the strength to argue, so you just let her lead you into the showers, grateful that she was willing to help you undress and get under the cool stream. You weren’t thrilled by the temperature, but she had set it that way for a reason.

The shower was quick, just a short rinse before you were out again and wrapped in a towel. Thankfully, the clothes you’d shoved into the bag for the post-workout were much more comfortable. They consisted of Carina’s oversized Grey + Sloan Memorial Hospital sweatshirt and your favorite pair of sweatpants.

The shower had made you cold, so you were doubly grateful for the warm clothes, which you snuggled into without any hesitation.

Maya smiled fondly and kissed the tip of your nose, making you sneeze. You pouted a bit and lifted your head from your sleeves, mildly annoyed by the damp spot left from where you’d wiped your nose.

“Ew,” The blonde chuckled, wrapping an arm around your waist. You leaned against her, not caring about the looks you got from a few store employees. It didn’t really matter anymore; you were going home.

When you arrived at the house that the three of you shared, you found it empty, a note left by Carina sitting on your counter. Maya deposited you on the couch before grabbing the note, sighing at the words scrawled in the brunette’s typically perfect handwriting. She didn't fit the stereotype of doctors' poor handwriting.

“Car was called in for some emergency surgery; looks like it’s just the two of us,” she said softly, walking around the counter to sit beside you. You scooted over to her and put your head on her chest, nuzzling into her sweater. It probably smelled like her, but your nose was too stuffy to smell anything.

You were only able to sit like that for a few minutes before you started to cough again, your breaths coming in harsh wheezes. Your chest was tight, and your lungs full of mucus.

Now that you were closer, Maya was getting even more concerned. Not only had your fever developed far too quickly for her liking, but she was also worried about your shallow, squeaky breaths.

“I’m going to get my bag. Stay put,” she ordered, not realizing that you wouldn’t be moving even if she asked, not without assistance at least.

The blonde raced through the house to find her medical bag, snagging it from the bedroom where she and Carina always kept them. When she returned, you were half asleep, drooling onto a pillow. Even with your pale gaunt face and red nose, she thought you were adorable.

Maya sat down beside you and pulled out her thermometer, which was quickly dragged across your forehead to reveal a temperature of 102.5. It wasn't drastically alarming, but it wasn't something that stemmed from a simple cold.

“Okay babe, sit up for me.” She coaxed, pulling you into a sitting position. You whined your displeasure, worrying the young woman. An hour ago, you had been working out, albeit not with any particular rigor or accuracy, and now you could barely hold your head up. This was an unexpectedly rapid decline, which was beginning to make her wonder if a hospital visit was in order.

The paramedic rested the stethoscope on your chest, listening to your crackling breaths with intense focus. She repeated the process on your back, shaking her head in mild frustration. When she leaned back, she hung the stethoscope around her neck, leaning forward to look into your eyes.

“I…I really don’t feel well.” You admitted, your voice barely audible.

“Looks like we’re going to visit Carina.” She said gently, earning a whimper from you. You had absolutely no interest in moving from your spot on the couch, but Maya had made it clear that you didn’t get a say in the matter.

“I know, but we don’t really have another option right now.”

It didn’t take long for you to find yourself lying on a cot in a hospital room, a bracelet around your wrist, an oxygen mask covering your face, and an IV in your arm. Most of it was a blur, but you certainly remembered a concerned Dr. April Kepner who had decided to take your case even after you were transferred to the hospital proper.

Now, you were curled up in a bed beside Maya, listening to whatever music she had decided to play on her phone. Carina had been updated on your condition and was supposed to be getting out of surgery in about an hour, but for now, you and Maya were making it work.

・.・✭・.・✭・.・✭・.・✭・.・

Carina rushed into your hospital room, devoid of her white coat. Her eyes were full of panic, which only diminished when she saw you smile.

“Cara mia.” She breathed, walking to sit beside you on the bed. There wasn't a whole lot of room with Maya lying beside you, but she managed. She carded her fingers through your hair and glanced at your monitor, watching the steady beep of your heartbeat.

“How bad are they?” the pediatric surgeon asked, keeping her voice quiet so as not to disturb you. You were sort of asleep, only slightly aware of what was going on around you. All you really knew was that the people you loved were beside you, bringing you immense comfort.

“When we got here, their O2 stats were in the 80s, temp 102.9. Kepner was in the pit; she did a chest x-ray. Looks like pneumonia. She has them on antibiotics and saline for hydration. The plan is to keep them overnight just to be safe and reevaluate in the morning,” Maya replied, mixing medical jargon with comforting her concerned girlfriend.

Carina let out a relieved sigh and smiled, leaning down to kiss your feverish forehead. You grabbed a fistful of her baby pink scrubs, not fully noticing what she was wearing. Even if you had, you didn’t care.

“Someone pushed themselves too hard, huh?” She murmured, settling down into the bed with you squished between herself and Maya. She didn’t even consider changing into real clothes; being with you mattered more.

“I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to come to the gym with me.” The blonde said into your hair, laying her head on Carina’s fingers. The surgeon continued to drag her nails against your scalp, and Maya wrapped your fingers in hers.

“S’okay.” You whispered, settling further into the bed. It wasn’t the most comfortable thing, but it was much better with your girlfriends there. You didn’t even care about the argument between you and Maya the night before; it was one you’d had before, and you’d probably have it again.

Regardless, you loved the woman, and you always would. Every so often, you were reminded of just how lucky you were to be with the two of them. A doctor and a firefighter, the perfect partners.

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#sickfic #fanfiction #fever #sick fanfiction #sick reader #fever whump #station 19 sick fanfiction #station 19 #maya bishop #maya x carina x reader #maya x carina #carina deluca #carina deluca x reader #marina x reader #marina #sick fanfic #sick you #sick y/n #grey sloan #crossover #fanfics #sick character #caretaking #weak #snz #kinda #caretaker #request #fic request #illness

[writingquestionsanswered]

hi, first of all just want to say that your blog is very helpful to me. if i ever need help with something, i always check to see if you've posted about it before.

anyway, onto my question. i have two characters who are best friends and theyve been arguing up to a point. ive gotten past that point and now theyre reconciling. i have their individual problems they had while fighting with each other, but my problem is i dont know how to go about making them apologise to each other. i tried writing some dialogue and parts of the scene, but it all feels very forced and unnatural. i was wondering if you might have some ideas on how to make the reconciliation scene more natural?

Writing a Reconciliation Between Friends

The key to writing a natural reconciliation scene is to find a natural way into the reconciliation. If the reconciliation feels forced/unearned there's not much you can do to make the actual moment feel right.

Step #1 - What Changes? Before two people can reconcile after a falling out, something has to change. For example, one or both of them need to have a change of heart... as in realizing their original position was faulty, that they were both right or both wrong, or that the friendship is more important than the point of disagreement. Or, maybe they're reunited by something bigger than the fight, like an illness, natural disaster, or a common cause.

Step #2 - Illustrate that Change for the Reader. The next step is to "show the math" of that change for the reader... show what the change is and how it shows up in the heart/mind of the character/s, then how that translates into a desire to reconcile.

Step #3 - 3... 2... 1... Contact! Now one character needs to reach out to the other in a meaningful way. Or, maybe they end up face to face unexpectedly. Either way, contact needs to happen. If one is reaching out to the other, this is more about testing the waters to see if they're open to reconciliation. If the person reaching out owes the other an apology, that should be part of it, but otherwise this isn't a time to rehash what happened. If they end up face to face unexpectedly, this will probably be an awkward moment where they both feel obligated to make small talk, but that can be an opening for one or both of them to apologize, say they're missed, and see if they're open to mending fences. Again, as long as you've done steps one and two, this should feel natural no matter how it plays out, because you did the work to make it earned.

Step #4 - Talk It Out... Carefully... If both are open to reconciliation, there will be some measure of talking it out. Again, this shouldn't be a rehashing of the original fight--both should be careful not to dredge up past arguments--this is more about clarifying what changed (if it makes sense to do so), apologizing (if necessary), reiterating what was missed/lost with the parting of ways, and extending forgiveness.

Step #5 - Rebuild the Friendship - There will need to be some rebuilding of the friendship, and maybe a lot if the fight was really bad. It could be as simple as just easing back to the original comfort level (which may happen fast), or it could require learning to trust again. It may also require an examination of the original problem if it's something that isn't fully resolved with the reconciliation. Like, if the original fight was due to ideological differences, they will need to talk about it and maybe lay down some rules/boundaries so it doesn't become a problem again.

Depending on your characters and the needs of your story, steps 3 - 5 or 4 & 5 could all occur in one conversation. You don't necessarily have to drag it out over multiple scenes/conversations. Again, it just depends on what needs to happen in your story. Making sure the reconciliation is earned is the important thing, then making sure you clarify why reconciliation is possible is the next most important thing. Finally, making sure you show that things are smoothed over will bring things full circle.

Have fun with your story!

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

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#writing tips #writing help #writing advice #wqaadvice

[pokemoncenter]

This may sound like an odd question at first, but it relates to a serious error ive made recently and i feel just terrible about it.

A question from a concerned trainer: Can most pokemon distinguish between an act of carelessness/recklessness against them and an act of intentional ill-will? (specifically, fish pokemon such as feebas/milotic)

Now, for context, the great 'error' ive made is that ive been frankly neglecting the general wellbeing of my best friend, my most beloved loyal companion; my Milotic, Athena. Ive only JUST realized it, and now i feel awful about it :<

You see, in an effort to better myself as a trainer and better understand the native pokemon of my region (I'm from Galar), i have recently been taking up the large task of filling up my pokedex. I have caught many different species of pokemon with my best and most strong of companions, Athena; and she has been nothing but the greatest of pokemon to me. But today a certain unusual behavior of hers made me realize that since taking up this pokedex-quest, i haven't been the trainer she deserves back.

Confession of a selfish trainer:

I had been using her as just a tool, a stepping stone, and not regarding her as the most beautiful and deserving friend as i had been before... We'd go out into the wild area for hours on end each day, battle after battle, never taking a break, never stopping to rest, only me and her, and even only ever healing when she physically could not go on further or without risking her serious harm. But by far the worst thing i did was never allowing her to battle these opponents...

Athena is very strong, and thus even on the toughest of wild area pokemon, even one attack would render them... uncatchable. So i made the same mistake over and over infinitely, of ignoring her, only focused on catching, never attacking, constantly letting her get bombarded with enemy attacks.

It was only when she began acting out against my idiocy- an apathy for battling, a profound distantness, with wavering obedience that had previously *never* faltered- that i realized i was doing something terrible, and doing it to my best friend no less... the worst was when i realized i hadnt had her healed at a proper pokemon center in over a week, despite non-stop battling. I had been using bag items, but those are surely no replacement for centers entirely, right?

Even after going on an amazing camping trip, making her favorite curry, and ensuring to give her my fullest attention whenever she even hinted at wanting it, i still feel like such a bad trainer, and an awful and dirty person, that i dont deserve the position i have, the incredible pokemon i have, their incredible stregth and loyalty...

So i ask one question:

Will/can she ever forgive me? (not that i would have done anything to deserve or be entitled to forgiveness after what i did...)

Sorry for the incredibly long length of this question, but i thought it was important to provide all context i had and get this off my chest.

Anonymous, I mean this in the kindest possible way:

Go to therapy.

I am no psychologist nor psychiatrist. I cannot diagnose anything, nor can I help. But you are displaying here a serious obsessive streak in a frankly worrying manner. To nonstop battle, to the detriment of your bonds with your closest friends, is one thing. But to not notice when over a week has passed in such a situation is extremely abnormal.

In addition- Yes, you messed up. You damaged your bond with your Pokemon. But you should not be asking me for how to repair this bond, or if this bond can be repaired. You should be looking to her. Milotic are intelligent, and can discern the difference between intentional and accidental harm in many ways, but extreme prolonged neglect... Judging from the lengths you have described, you can hardly call it 'unintentional' anymore. She is not sapient or sentient in a human way, but she still has emotions of her own. It is up to you to decide what is best.

And, to be blunt, dumping all of this in the inbox of a total stranger does not speak wonders to your mental state, either.

Go to therapy. Both for yourself, and for Athena.

#pokeblogging #pkmn irl #unreality

[kajinovaa]

i feel like i need to take a moment and give gratitude for the things that i have going on in my life right now cuz i just feel too damn good to not express it. gotta drop it out somewhere so the universe can take it yknow?

i feel like i'm in a whole new chapter in my life. like- the kinda chapter ive needed for the longest. to find like-minded friends, to be able to vibe and just exist without any pre-existing judgments or resentments. to be able to indulge in the same things as i enjoy. to grieve over the same things. to just be this from our childhoods or current ages... a collective of frequencies.

and im SO fucking grateful to have found a bestie in my life. a legit fucking friend i can confide in with so much hope, trust, and the need to preserve what we have. to openly be so hyperfixated on the same media and never having to think i probably went overboard, maybe even pushed them away on accident? like- i hold so much trust in em it hurts. if they told me to jump ill only ask how far. if they wanted to pull through with a 5-year plan to rise in riches and fame, im right there with them without an ounce of hesitation. i will FIGHT tooth and damn nail for them if the moment appears.

this might sound so fucking cheesy but i feel so strongly for them its like the platonic side of bkdk. my trust is already the thinnest its ever been and once its wounded in any way, thats it. its scarred forever. but with them? it hits different. idk. i feel like we can go through all the worst arguments and still somehow come back from it all because i value their existence in my life so much more than the possible grudges i could hold against them. theyre are my found family, and im going to hold that close to my heart from this point forward.

im sorry to those old friends that didnt stay around, and that i forgive you what youve done to me. in order for me to move on, i need to come to terms with that so i can heal and grow again. the lessons you have taught me were the highest in value and wisdom, so i thank you for teaching me what i really need in my life. it was fun while it lasted.

new universal frequency, new me. i release all of my pains and fears. blessed be.💖

#the unholy scriptures

[asoiafreadthru]

A Game of Thrones, Catelyn IV

“Lord Baelish tells me that I have you to thank for bringing me here.”

Varys giggled like a little girl. “Oh, yes. I suppose I am guilty. I hope you forgive me, kind lady.”

He eased himself down into a seat and put his hands together. “I wonder if we might trouble you to show us the dagger?”

Catelyn Stark stared at the eunuch in stunned disbelief. He was a spider, she thought wildly, an enchanter or worse. He knew things no one could possibly know, unless…

“What have you done to Ser Rodrik?” she demanded.

Littlefinger was lost. “I feel rather like the knight who arrives at the battle without his lance. What dagger are we talking about? Who is Ser Rodrik?”

“Ser Rodrik Cassel is master-at-arms at Winterfell,” Varys informed him. “I assure you, Lady Stark, nothing at all has been done to the good knight. He did call here early this afternoon. He visited with Ser Aron Santagar in the armory, and they talked of a certain dagger. About sunset, they left the castle together and walked to that dreadful hovel where you were staying. They are still there, drinking in the common room, waiting for your return. Ser Rodrik was very distressed to find you gone.”

“How could you know all that?”

“The whisperings of little birds,” Varys said, smiling.

“I know things, sweet lady. That is the nature of my service.” He shrugged.

#a game of thrones #catelyn iv #a song of ice and fire #asoiaf #catelyn tully stark #varys #varys the spider #the spider #spiders #petyr baelish #littlefinger #red keep #valyrian steel dagger #master of whisperers #magic #wizards #rodrik cassel #master at arms #house stark #winterfell #aron santagar #armory #king's landng #eel alley #eel alley inn #spies #informants #little birds #knowledge #ijnformation

[corvuscorona]

SHADOW MONSTER - an Astos playlist

...for when you need to spend about an hour rotating that guy in your mind at top speed, or at least a little faster than chillout speed.

(YouTube playlist here) • (tracklist etc. below the cut)

Needed a playlist I could Think About Astos To while doing chores or whatever & it turned out I had the ammunition I needed to be kinda picky, so I'm sharing it here with all my comrades-in-Astos-scholarship, too! You know, in case you also need some music to Think About Astos To. Which seems possible-to-likely, I think.

I have only included tracks that are reasonably well balanced for Normal Listening (just please forgive me for the PS2 synth horns in "finish the promise" if you can find it in your heart). Also, if you use the YT playlist, Man Human is shorter than it should be, so listen to it twice if you want.

ACT I: IMPETUS

Creep City • Jake Shears I said I'd hang on for the ride / now I'm hanging on for dear life / …is that a real knife? バケモノ信者 (Bakemono Shinja / Monster Believer) • MAIKI-P 人の顔した　バケモノさ / 気づけば僕も　バケモノさ • hito no kao shita bakemono sa / kizukeba boku mo bakemono sa it's a monster with a human face / and now that I think about it, I'm a monster, too 心臓 (Shinzō / Heart[1]) • TOOBOE 蘇ってしまうよ　貴方の為なら幾らでも / 間違いも愛せるよ　馬鹿なもんでさ / 生き返ってしまうよ　貴方がくれた命だから • yomigaette shimau yo anata no tame nara ikura demo / machigai mo aiseru yo baka na monde sa / ikikaette shimau yo anata ga kureta inochidakara for you, I'd revive again and again / loving even the mistakes, fool that I am / I'll come back to life because it's the life you gave me

ACT II: THE PROCESS

Bleed it Out • Linkin Park half the words don't mean a thing / and I know that I won't be satisfied Man Human • Denki Groove for Devilman Crybaby Just One Yesterday • Fall Out Boy I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way / still, I'd trade all my tomorrows…

ACT III: MADNESS

Décolleté • Kenshi Yonezu 兎角疲れました / 数えるから直ぐに消えて • tokaku tsukaremashita / kazoeru kara sugu ni kiete at any rate, I'm exhausted / I'll count, so hurry up and disappear [2] うみなおし (Uminaoshi / Rebirth[3]) • Maretu 君は何も悪くないぜ / (多分) • kimi wa nani mo warukunai ze / (tabun) you've done nothing wrong / (probably) 空想メソロギヰ (Kuusou Mesorogiwi / Fantastical Mesology) • Yousei Teikoku for Future Diary (See [4] below.)

ACT IV: FOR WHAT

A Good Song Never Dies • Saint Motel it just reminds you of where you were / the first time it made you cry / the first time you felt alive… SHADOW MONSTER • Toki Asako 探しものは踊らなきゃ見つからない • sagashimono wa odoranakya mitsukaranai if we don't dance, we won't find what we're looking for.

ACT V: RESOLVE

JUMPER • CAPSULE anger stress and secrets they won't break you wake up put aside you(')r(e) feeling nothing freely speed up landing stepping jumping jump Leave The Light On • Overcoats what if I don't make it home / you're not there, and the light's not on

ACT VI: THE END

still feel. • half•alive when it's hopeless, I start to notice / that I still feel alive finish the promise • MOTOO FUJIWARA for Tales of the Abyss White Light • Superfly for Tales of Zestiria 正解なんてない 間違いなんてない / 塗り替えてゆけ 在るべき世界へ • seikai nante nai machigai nante nai / nurikaete yuke arubeki sekai e there's no such thing as right; there's no such thing as wrong / remake this world into what it should have been

( NOTES )

[1] - Specifically the anatomical term. Metaphorical uses of this word do seem to be a thing, but skew more towards meaning something like "courage" (think "guts" or "spine") as opposed to 心 (kokoro) on its own, which is used for something more like "essence", "spirit", "soul". Incidentally, I highly… HIGHLY recommend watching the MV for this one (Check the YT link before the readmore)! [2] - Eternal plug for vgperson, who has been my source for Kenshi Yonezu lyrics since something like 2010, and is the backbone of society. Check out the full translation there (ctrl+F the title!) to get a feel for this song's whole... vibe (which I'd describe as a very specific flavor of "fuck. god damn it. whatever; leave me alone," which of course is why it's here). [3] - There's a footnote on the Vocaloid Lyrics Wiki page for this song that conveys something interesting about the title; it says: "'Uminaoshi' isn’t a word that’s typically used to mean 'rebirth'; rather, it is a compound made up of a word meaning 'to give birth' and a word that carries the sense of doing something over to fix mistakes, because you messed it up the last time," which is fun, I think. [4] - This song's lyrics are poetic in a way that makes them difficult to interpret as-written, let alone translate in a way that makes literally any sense at all. The official MV does have English subtitles that are NOT auto-translated, though. Those are the most coherent piece of information I can give you (check the YT link before the readmore!) re: why the Future Diary OP is even in this playlist, except for this statement: it's about breaking free of a time loop that's being treated like a game in some way by The Entity In Charge Of It. (And also, it sounds like... you know, like the way that it sounds.)

#stranger of paradise #stranger of paradise final fantasy origin #sopffo #hi everybody I'm going to go write fic now I just had to get this OUT of my drafts and into your ears first. thank you I love you bye #EDIT: my wife (immediately): 'what kind of play has six acts' listen is there a better way to separate a chunk into smaller chunks #which I think u should eat in order? NO? didn't think so.

[random-letters-i-just-thought-of]

Sadly, I missed day 4 of @kaneraweek, but I have something for today! I mostly went with the prompt "Late Nights" and "Jealousy". I also thought "outside PoV" was for today, because I came up with this at 2am in bed when I, of course, couldn't check the prompts😂. But when I realized my mistake, I already had the whole thing planned out and didn't want to change everything, so... here you go with a story from Kallus PoV🙃.

It's also here on ao3:

My works for Kanera Week 2023 (7470 words) by RandomLettersIJustThoughtOf Day 5: Never Find Anything Better (Late Nights | Happily Ever After | Jealousy) Hera is about to pull an all nighter with her paperwork again, but Kanan is not having it.

Sometimes, Kallus wondered how he ended up like this. How he ended up sitting across from his former arch enemy, Hera Syndulla, at a table of an improvised office at the rebel base of Javin IV, going over plans and strategies, sorting reports from units all over the sector, and making task lists and organizations till late at night.  The life as a rebel knew no structure. It meant you stayed up until dawn on days when it was necessary, and then on another day, you could do nothing but sit around and wait and hope. It was strange, being used to the all-consuming structure of the empire, but it also felt strangely right. This was work he really wanted to do, not one he was obliged or expected to do.

So he did stay up, even though the caff had run out hours ago and the occasional chatter had died down as officer after officer left the room until only he and Hera were left, buried in the remaining paperwork and too worried to leave the plans for the next day unchecked.

Sometimes, Kallus was still baffled that they were letting him do this. That they trusted him, a former imperial, to oversee their military operations. Yes, from a strategic point of view, it made sense; he knew the enemy, and he was trained as a strategist.

Still, sometimes, in moments like this, he looked at the reports and exact plans of the next rebel attacks and remembered how much he would have given for a fraction of this information two years ago. And then he thought of all the other things he had done and was shocked by how much these people were willing to trust him and how easily they had forgiven him when he didn't even forgive himself.

Hera, who he had hunted down multiple times and whose family he had threatened and hurt, leaned over and asked him for his opinion on some starship formation tactics she was working on.

He just nodded and rubbed a hand over his face to fight the exhaustion creeping in. "Makes sense to me. You'll just have to watch out for these damn Tie Defenders. They're a nasty invention."

"Right, but there are only like four of them, aren't there? We can't possibly run into them every maneuver."

"Still, they're a risk we have to consider now. As far as I know Thrawn and the empire, there are probably more than we know of."

"So, maybe we should add a flexible fighter on both sides?"

Kallus shrugged. "Better safe than sorry."

Hera nodded and went back to scribbling. For a moment, he just watched her.  He had always known she was a skilled and determined pilot, but he had not known how much she CARED. She was not just a cocky young woman rebelling for the sake of troublemaking. No, she had a vision. She had hope for a brighter and better future. And she was ready to fight for it. She was a leader. She had a fire burning in her, and she inspired the same in the people who worked with her. Kallus could see why Zeb would follow her anywhere.  Silently, they went back to working.

The next time he looked up, it was to the quiet swoosh of the door opening. Kanan stood behind it, peeking inside.

Immediately, Kallus tensed up. Then, a moment later, he cursed himself for it and forced himself to relax. Even after all this time, his reflexes still made him go into fight mode whenever he saw the taller man, no matter how many times he told himself it was unnecessary now.  But, while his hatred for Zeb had always come from guilt and anger over the guilt he was feeling, his hatred for Kanan had always been rooted in fear. The fear not only of an extremely skilled warrior but also of a Jedi. The ones he had been thought to fear since his childhood. The dangerous maniacs who brought violence upon the whole galaxy. The traitors. The monsters he was made to believe the Jedi to be. And, even though he now knew neither Kanan nor the Jedi were anything like this, the fear was still there, just like the guilt.

So he still flinched whenever Kanan walked into him like this. And maybe rightly so. Kallus knew from experience that Kanan could beat the shit out of him if he wanted to. Not even the fact that he lost his sight could change anything about that. In fact, Kanan seemed as if he had grown even more powerful after that.

Now, Kanan was not wearing his mask, and Kallus could clearly see the scars surrounding his, now unseeing, eyes. He shuddered. He had never asked what had happened, but he knew lightsaber wounds and he knew the inquisitors. He could put two and two together. The fact that Kanan was still alive was enough to tell Kallus that maybe everybody should have the same amount of respect for this guy as him.

But now, Kanan just gave an appreciative nod to Kallus and then turned all his attention to Hera.

"There you are!", he greeted her, walking up to the desk to put his arms on every side of her paper and lean down to her.

Hera looked up as if she only noticed him now, even though she must have heard the door opening as well.

"Kanan, what do you need?", she asked in the clear tone of someone trying to play clueless, even though they knew exactly what was going on.

"What I need," Kanan answered, accusingly lifting one finger and poking her in the chest, "is you going to bed, right now. Do you have any idea how late it is?"

"Kanan...", Hera grumbled and tried to dodge him.

"Uh-uh." Kanan shook his head and interrupted her by placing his finger on her lip. "I won't hear that. You need sleep!"

Hera blushed deeply at his gesture and mumbled something incomprehensible since Kanan had decided to cover her whole mouth with his hand. A bit of wrangling ensued as Hera tried to free herself. But Kanan was much bigger than her and remained unfazed.

"I can't hear you, what was that? You're tired?", he teased her, but his tone was so gentle and filled with love that Kallus nearly blushed himself for intruding in their little moment.

He tried his best to concentrate heavily on his paper on weather conditions on Hoth rather than the gentle tussle and occasional giggling from his two teammates. Nevertheless, he couldn't help but smile a bit. These two! Sickeningly sweet.

As he shot them a few looks over the table, he realized that maybe this was the real reason he had left the empire. Yes, the obvious greed and cruelty were what convinced him in the end, but he wouldn't even have started to look or care for them if the people hadn't been so... emotionally cold compared to the rebels.  The empire was an all-consuming machine of oppression. It nipped every kind of humanity and affection in the bud, despised it, and punished it.  These people here were allowed to be human. They were allowed to feel, to care, to love. They could have little moments like this, little sparks of happiness. Of hope, even in such dark times. As he looked at Kanan and Hera, he knew: If one day he found something like this, it would be more than he ever deserved. And yet it was all he could ever hope for. All he wished for so desperately. Peace. Love. Family. He felt bad for wishing for things like that after he had taken the very same from so many people all around the galaxy during his time with the empire. He did not deserve something like that. He could never have what Kanan and Hera had. But sometimes, when he watched the ghost crew like this, when he thought about how easily all the specters, all the rebels had forgiven him, he felt a little spark of hope rise.

He looked at Kanan and Hera and saw everything good in the galaxy. And then he felt bad for having fought it for so long. None of them deserved any of the pain they had to go through. The galaxy did not deserve the destruction the empire had brought upon it. The least he could do, was to give everything he could to this rebellion, to these people. To maybe at least start to make up for everything.

"Alright, alright, that's enough!", he heard Kanan end their little tussle. "Don't make me carry you!"

"Kanan!", Hera gasped, finally free to speak now that Kanan used both hands to pick her up from her chair. "I'm not finished yet!"

"Yes, you are! Kallus, tell her she's finished!"

Kallus smiled. "It's alright, General. I'm sure I can sort the rest out by myself."

Kanan frowned at him. "You know it's late for you, too, right?"

He laughed. "I will be finished in no time, don't worry."

With an arm full of Hera, Kanan gave him a skeptical look.

"I'll send Zeb to look for you."

"No, you really don't need..." he tried to argue, but Kanan was already out of the door.

"I'm sure he'll be happy to carry you out as well!" he called back over his shoulder, and then he was gone, and Kallus was left shaking his head and wondering what the hell that was supposed to mean.

#kaneraweek2023 #kanera #kalluzeb #sw rebels #alexsandr kallus #hera syndulla #kanan jarrus

[sincerely-sofie]

hello! i apologize for adding to the list of religion related asks in your inbox and, as this is another form of criticism you can ignore it, im mostly an enjoyer of your work and ive merely found a discrepancy.

i just think its important to point out that the people you end up surrounding yourself with and the people that a community deems to be one of their own, IF this is your experience which i am not Assuming but rather Pointing To as a debate starter of sorts, is not in fact the group at large.

its factual that many, Many people have been abused by the church, inside and ouside of it, by many people and in many ways, and the number of people harassed by christians, especially ones in positions of power in churches but also the commonfolk, is incredibly high. much higher than it would be if it were just a vocal minority, because then its doubtful that it would be so widespread, but especially that it would be so Personal, crimes done to people by people in particular they thought they could trust.

i am not telling you to disbelieve yourself or that there are hidden horrors in your community, but trying to bring a possible unawareness to light. if this is unwarranted or undesired and you dont wish to make any public response you can delete this ask, absolutely 0 hard feelings i wont say anything else.

love your work, have a nice day, bring more joy into the universe as you try to

Hey, thanks for this ask! Discrepancies and blind spots are a difficult thing for people to rid themselves of alone, so your reaching out to help with something you were worried about is appreciated. This is all a fair bit stressful and new for me— I've never really talked about my faith before now— but once again, I figured a public response is better than the alternative. Thanks for saying you enjoy my work. I appreciate your well wishes. And your English is absolutely wonderful, don't worry about it!

For context, I've previously said that the vast majority of Christians are loving people and that there's an unfortunate vocal minority of cruel individuals. First off: people absolutely have suffered abuse at the hands of Christians, especially Christians in positions of authority, and their suffering should never be diminished or dismissed. My church takes a pretty intense stance on abuse— anyone who misuses their influence over someone is going to answer to God for it, church leaders are to report any abuse they learn of to the proper authorities and help protect against future abuse, and the general membership are expected to do everything we can to prevent abuse and to defend and help the victims. 

I'm of the opinion that Christianity (or at least my specific denomination— I'm not educated enough to speak with authority on the state of each individual branch of Christianity, and I think that some churches are, to put it lightly, more prone to hateful behavior than others) is largely populated by kind and loving people. Again, that isn't to diminish the experiences of those who have suffered abuse— they've gone through horrible things that truly happened and shouldn't be brushed aside. My belief in abuse being done by a minority is mainly rooted in the vastness of the Christian population and my belief that people have an inherent goodness rooted in them. 

Pulling from some statistics I found on Google (which may be inaccurate, so don't quote me on this!), there are about 2.3 billion Christians out of the 8 billion people in the world. For a majority of Christians to be cruel and abusive, I would need to believe (forgive my bad math here, I'm not the best with this stuff) that at least 1 person out of every 8 people I meet is cruel and abusive. I don't think that's how the world works, and haven't seen any research to change my mind, so I don't believe that. 

What I do believe is that people who want to hurt people will find ways to hurt people, especially when they can find ways to excuse their injustice with religion, being a senior member of a family, or similar garbage— and that with such a great population of the world being Christian, you'll hear a lot of instances of abuse being done by Christians. Like I said previously— certain denominations are prone to abusive behavior. This is absolutely undeniable. But my lived experience as well as personal research has indicated to me that they and the individual bad actors don't make up the majority of Christians, even if they make the most appearances on the news. 

Thanks again for the ask and your concern. This is my personal understanding of things, and if you disagree, you're fully in your rights to! I've definitely skimmed over things here— no person is 100% good or 100% evil, and my efforts to be brief definitely haven't helped the subtlety that needs to go into discussions of morality in groups. But I wanted to explain my perspective. It really comes down to the math of things for me. I don't think that even 1 in 10 people is remotely unkind, let alone over 1 in 8 being willing to abuse others. I hope that I've made myself clear in a polite way— it's hard to have these kinds of discussions in writing! I've tried my best though, and I hope it comes across in this.

#I am once again running on very little sleep and I desperately hope this makes sense #I tried my best! Though I certainly don't have any Herculean abilities when it comes to communicating #*sweats and recalls the time I thought my dad was talking about cooking when he was discussing fireworks* #sofie answers asks

[nakedbibi333]

Hi um could you please help me? So i have a best friend she's good but idk there has been a lot of fights and all between us and tbh she's sometimes really kinda...i don't know if i should say bitter but yeah she does things that break my heart but makes me feel like it's her life obviously and she has the right to do anything she like which is true but... seriously this thing hurts a lot. She has done so many thing which she thinks aren't wrong but for me...i feel like they were wrong cause it hurt me. That's why ive tried a lot of times to persist but don't know why nothing has changed. Like only one or two times it has been that she has done something which made me feel good but then again back to her normal behaviour. I don't know what I'm doing could you please help😕

While it is possible to change anyone's behavior with the law, I do think it's always a better option, especially when someone is mistreating you, to just let go and manifest a new best friend who will treat you like you deserve.

However, if you are still determined to manifest them to change, it's important to not think about it like you are changing the 3D person. Instead, you are removing focus from the 3D version of them that is not desirable right now, and refocusing on a completely new version of them. It's kind of like revising. Neville always mentioned revision as a "forgiving" of the past. You are forgiving (kind of like forgetting) what has happened before, essentially erasing that version of them who mistreated you and replacing the image of them in your head with someone who has always been a good friend.

#ask

[zabadi]

YAY YOU SAW THE MOVIE OF ALL TIME i need to hear more of your thoughts about eeaao if you're willing to share because. i feel like it's a movie that just like profoundly spoke to me about particular philosophies i have and i see that you also resonated with it

oh man ive had a long day and im still kinda reeling from it to be honest but god such a wonderful movie. its an almost perfect specimen of genre fiction and more broadly metaphor as a storytelling device bc the whole point of genre fiction (to me anyway) is that it uses these fantastical or otherworldly conflicts as metaphors for the most everyday human emotional conflicts. it catastrophizes things as commonplace and simple as a child's wish for their parent's love into a fractured consciousness spanning the infinite universe or a black hole that ruptures the fabric of reality. and even though we as the viewers dont understand what it would be like to deal with a conflict on that scale, the emotions being dealt with through the metaphor of the multiverse are so real and so recognizable that the conflict becomes real and recognizable as well. yeah it's an infinite web of real concrete universes with infinite possible alternate selves but really it's the fundamental diasporic question of What if I never left home? yeah it's a black hole that ruptures the fabric of reality created by a being of godlike power but really it's just a young woman tired of the world and her lot in life contemplating suicide. perfect use of metaphor! literally perfect!

And god the CIRCLES! the CIRCLES. the unending turmoil of a human life. you're never going to get back where you were as a kid but that kid will always exist. life is meaningless and therefore not worth living. also, life is meaningless and therefore worth living. thats something i really loved abt this movie was that like. Materially not much changes aside from evelyn's consciousness fracturing like joy's yk? there's no big sci fi resolution where they return to their home universes and live happily ever after. the circle doesnt break because there's not really a way to opt out of the craziness of your life. you're always going to be thinking about where you were and what you did and what you could've done and no matter how hard you try you're going to make decisions w consequences that you're going to struggle to live with. What matters isnt breaking the circle But there's always a different way to see things. theres the bagel, darkness enclosing light, and theres the googly eyes, darkness at the center of light. i see the good side not because im naive but bc how can i live otherwise? the laundromat represents both the endless tedium of their lives and a haven of comfort and love. Lauryn hill was so right when she said everything is everything

and on a level joy knows that from the very beginning! like she's overwhelmed and depressed and despairing that anything could ever get better bc life is meaningless. but when u look at the performance involved with her shenanigans..like the dancing the makeup the costumes! on a level she knows the meaning of life is just what you make it bc she wouldnt have constructed this elaborate theater around the bagel if she didnt get some kind of pleasure or satisfaction from it. it's fun! it's meaningless but she gets something from it! and of course that's not enough she needs the love and support from the people she loves to actually pull her back from the brink but i just love that from the very beginning she's so desperately human even with this insane godlike power she's just looking for something that makes her want to live

like it's an incredibly overwhelming and busy movie but with everything going on it has such a simple profound center to it which is just. Choose love! choose TO love. choose to be forgiving and kind. Bc love and faith are what give life meaning but they are also things that take immense strength to maintain. life doesnt just have a meaning hidden at its heart waiting for you to find. it takes effort and strength to continue to have that love and faith that make life worth living but literally what else can a person do? how else can a person live? Love must be made anew like bread etc.

and it doesnt feel preachy either! it's easy for such a simple message to come off as an out of touch platitude but the dialogue and the story and the acting and the chemistry btwn the characters makes it all so heartfelt! it's lighthearted without making a joke out of itself! the characters are so human and care for each other so much that when the core of the movie becomes clear it feels so so earnest and genuine it actually settles into you it makes it so easy to empathize with and internalize. in my experience its really hard to share simple but essential truth like "be kind" without seeming preachy or shallow bc its the kind of thing that no matter how many times you hear it only really hits you when you are able to internalize it. and this movie just does a beautiful earnest job of it

im gonna stop bc im too tired to make sense anymore lmfao but this is the first time in years ive watched a movie and it jumped to my top 5 within the first hour. excellent excellent movie i am going to think abt it for the rest of my life

[dailytony]

Thank you for answering my questions :)

I never thought you this was a hate blog, I know *some* Wanda and Bucky can be some of the worst with Tony hate. So I get bring protective, and I’m you and other Tony blogs provide a place for people who just love Tony and how his dynamics.

I just know that even know it can be a testy subject when the characters are talked about together, more than anything I wish we could have got heart to heart scenes with where Tony/Wanda & Tony/Bucky were able to just talk.

Also I loved your descriptions you gave with all the most important people list. :) it made me smile, but when I said kids & flesh and bots I was including everyone from Dum-E,Friday to Nebula,Peter,Harley and his RiRi in a way too)!

Speaking of RiRi, I’m excited and nervous! If I’m being honest I haven’t been the biggest fan of phase 4, I love seeing all the other characters get time to shine but sone of things see more about being being politically correct than making the fans happy.

I’m sure she will do great carrying on Tony’s legacy,Im hoping Iron Heart captures my heart! I just wish we could have seen them interact on screen so it would be more meaningful. I checked out some of their comic scenes and I enjoyed them.

People thought that a lot of Tony fans wanted Harley to be iron lad for weird reasons when really it was because we wanted to be someone who was close to Tony. And Harley deserved something else in the mcu to do, him being at the funeral was bittersweet. I keep hoping him and Peter will meet.

Oh I really love these kind of interactions where I can share my thoughts about the characters with people willing to debate in a healthy and FUN way (sometimes we forget how fun being part of a fandom can be because of all the drama) so I who thank you for your asks 😍✨

Yeah I get it, I just took the opportunity to clarify this for new followers who haven't read my initial posts about it at the top of this page. Sometimes I get asks saying bad things about ships and characters, not out of malice, just being ultra defensive about tony and I privately clarify that this kind of stuff will not be posted here. So as not to repeat it all the time and you guys start saying "what is this bitch trying to prove fgs". I just took this perfect opportunity in the ask you sent me (precisely because it was a positive debate about tony and wanda).

I'm also kind of disappointed with phase IV. Obviously tony, steve and nat are sorely missed but I really wanted to believe that this would - somehow - be alleviated with new characters and interesting possibilities with the Multiverse.

That being said I'm already so done with the Multiverse. 😭 The feeling I have is that it diminishes the achievements and sacrifices of the original line. And I could even forgive that (too) if it was more interesting (like the wonderful Everything Everywhere All at Once) but the way it's been brought into the MCU is so silly…

I don't know if I'm having MCU fatigue right now or if it's just become plain uninteresting. I haven't even seen everything they've released (and I don't intend to). To be honest, the only thing I genuinely enjoyed and have intentions of continuing to follow is MOON KNIGHT and I want to see what they have in store for Black Panther, but with reservations. I'm concerned about introducing Namor, his culture and conflicts with the surface, Riri Williams and her backstory, maybe Dr Doom, Black Panther's new arc and the aftermath of the blip and the loss of T'Challa in Wakanda ALL in one movie. It's a big margin to make everything shallow. I really hope the MCU finds itself again in these new phases. I miss getting excited about it. 😩🤧 Last time I felt was at No Way Home but purely out of nostalgia.

#answered #i'm once again replying with a huge text 😭