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p-artsypants · 3 years

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I’ll Handle This (11)

In Which The Metaphorical Crap Hits The Metaphorical Fan

Who authorized this angst in my crack fic?

Ao3 | FF.net

BWAAAAAAAA

BWA-BWAHHHHH

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

“Where did you get a harmonica?” Adrien whispered.

BWAAAAAAAA

BWA-BWA-WAAAHHHHHH

“Wish I was back in Texas.

The ocean's no place for a squirrel.

Wish I was in Texas,

Prettiest place in the world, oh no.”

“Are you going to answer my question? Or are you going to continue to serenade your cellmates?”

“I guess deep in my heart,

I'll always be a Texas girl.”

“We’re in jail, you know. Maybe that’s not a big deal for you, but it is for me!”

“I wanna go hoooooome, home.”

Adrien scoffed and sunk into the pocket, sulking. Of course, since he was in a Kwami’s body, he was not in jail. He could leave at any time. In fact, he wanted to. Desperately. Jail, cells, bars, they were all part of his greatest nightmare.

But he stayed with Plagg.

They hadn’t been given a reason for arrest. Just, slapped with cuffs and hulled out of the Lahiffe household.

Plagg went quietly. Asking no questions and offering no protests. It was like he knew what was to come.

Adrien couldn’t fathom the speed at which things happened.

And where the hell did Plagg get that harmonica?

BWAAHHHHHH

“Alright alright, Mr. Agreste. Enough with the music. Give it here!” An officer approached the bars, hand outstretched.

“Are you going to tell me what I’m in here for?”

The officer huffed. “We were asked to scare you straight. Your father said you were traveling a road of self-destruction, and thought a night in jail would help clear your mind.”

“That’s what I thought.” He stepped back, and continued to play his harmonica.

BWAAAAAAAA

“Hey, I said hand over the harmonica!”

“If you want it, you have to come get it.”

“Oh, you don’t want me to, kid. Just make this easy and hand it over.”

“Do you often arrest kids for no reason?” Plagg asked instead.

The policeman crossed his arms. Plagg could read his nameplate, which said Daryl. “I’m not sure what ‘no reason’ is to you...but your father sure gave me an earful of what you’ve been up to. I have a nephew your age. If he was doing the crap you were, I’d hall his ass in here too to straighten him out.”

“And what, pray tell, did my father say I was doing?”

“Drugs. For one thing. Running around with some local gangs. Theft. Getting violent. Playing hooky.”

Plagg groaned. “Man, I hate to say it, but you got played. Sure, if I was doing all that, I wouldn’t blame my father for asking you to scare me straight. But that’s not what happened. Look at me. Do you think I would jeopardize these good looks for some drugs or fights?”

Officer Daryl pulled a stool over and took a seat.

“Alright, let’s hear your side of the story, then.”

“First of all, I should have called you guys on him. He’s a tyrant! He’s the most self-centered, emotionally constipated, jerk-hole in Paris. And we’re French! That’s saying a lot!”

“Does he physically harm you?” Daryl asked with concern.

“Well...no. I wouldn’t put it past him, but not yet, at least.”

“Does he provide a clean, safe environment for you?”

“Almost too safe...” Plagg muttered.

“Does he withhold necessities? Such as food, shower, or a bed?”

“No, he cuts me off socially though. And he neglects my emotional needs. He thinks that because I’m fed and clothed, that’s all I need.”

“I get it,” the man sighed. “Really, I do. It sucks to have a parent that seems like they don’t care. But I’ve seen mothers smoke crack in front of their malnourished, filthy babies. I arrested a pimp beating up a prostitute in front of her toddler. Your father might not be the best, but he’s far from the worst. And that is not something we can really help with.”

Plagg took this into consideration and nodded. Police couldn’t really arrest someone for being a sourpuss, right?

“However, when he comes to pick you up in the morning, we can recommend him to get you both in family therapy. That might be the avenue to take.” He smirked. “So if it wasn’t drugs, what did you do to make your father so upset?”

“My father is Gabriel Agreste, fashion police. And I wore this out,” he gestured to the kilt he still wore. “Among other hideous outfits, just to get his attention.”

The man looked extremely disturbed by this. “You’re serious? That’s it?”

“I mean, I also ran away from home...”

“Ah, now that is a little bit more of a problem. You’re what, 14?”

“15.”

“A minor. Your father does have guardianship over you. This would be grounds for us to bring you home...but I wouldn’t have brought you here.”

“So you’ll let me go?”

“I could, but then you could be lying about all this.”

“What do I have to do to prove I’m not lying? Blood test?”

“Now hold on, kid. As long as you behave tonight, we’ll put in a good word for you tomorrow. And like I said, we’ll talk to your father about family counseling...and we’ll have a word with him about misusing resources.”

This was not good enough to Plagg. Because Gabriel was still winning. Slap on the wrist or not, having Adrien spend the night in jail would be seen as a victory in Gabriel’s eyes. Adrien was under control again.

And that would just not do.

“You have my word, Daryl, I’ll behave.” He smiled.

“Glad to hear it. You can hold onto the harmonica, just keep it down.” Daryl scooted the stool back to where he had grabbed it, and walked back from where he came.

Once the coast was clear, Plagg let Adrien out of his jacket.

“Okay, phase into the lock and get me out.”

“What!” Adrien shrieked. “No no no! I’m not busting your butt out of jail! That’s illegal!”

“So are most of the things I do, but that doesn’t stop me.”

“You said that there wasn’t a lock in this world that could hold you. I will not be your keyblade.”

“What?”

“It’s a video game reference.”

“Nerd.” Plagg nabbed him out of the air and pulled on his tail.

“Ow! Hey!”

“Sit still!” He yanked and twisted and scrunched his tail until it was a crooked pin shape, then he stuck it in the lock, fiddled with it, before the door slid open.

“Geez, next time I’ll just phase through the lock.”

“That’s what I thought.”

Plagg tucked Adrien back into his jacket and closed the cell door behind him.

“So how are we going to get out? You can’t just walk out the front door.”

Plagg narrowed his eyes. “Or can I?”

“It won’t work.”

“Try me, bitch.” And Plagg walked with deliberate steps towards the front doors, where they had been escorted in.

Daryl, of course, spotted him. “Ah! Agreste! I don’t know how the hell you got out—“

Plagg raised a hand, two fingers together with the thumb out to the side. Then he stated sharply. “Eck thoos yul hikteem!”

Daryl stopped, blinked once, twice, then said, “oh, Adrien, you’re right. Your father really did do us both a disservice. Come on, I’ll escort you up front. Do you need a ride back to your friend’s house?”

Adrien’s jaw dropped. It wasn’t supposed to be that easy!

“No thanks, officer. I think I’ll walk.”

“Okay kiddo. Let us know if your old man gives you any more problems, okay?”

“Haha, will do!”

Once outside, with the doors firmly closed behind them, Adrien emerged. “What was that?”

“What was what?”

“That—that spell! Have you always been able to do that?! Do you use it on me?!”

“Simmer down, buddy.” Plagg patted him on the head. “It was just a...very specific destruction spell.”

“What did you do?”

“It’s temporary, really. Nothing to worry about. Back in the old days, people might realize I used the spell on them, but with him...he might just have some doubts about his decision to let me out.”

“Okay, but what did you do?!”

“Just a little spell that changed his resolve. Earlier, I convinced him to let me go, but that little barrier of…justice, or honor, or whatever kept him from following through. So I just…removed it.”

“You just…removed it?”

“Yep!”

“How often do you use that?”

“Never, if I can help it. Notice I usually just annoy people to get my way. And using spells with the three conditions is completely counterproductive, by the way. Magic is a tool, not a shortcut.

“So you can’t use that spell to get my dad to drop whatever wall he has between us?”

“No, because it’s effects are temporary, and we have to convince him to ease up on his own. You see?”

“I think so…so what now?”

Plagg smiled.

—

11:30 pm. The evening bowel movement. Ever since he turned thirty, Gabriel was able to predict and prepare for the movement. But he liked it that way. Everything should be planned out and under control. Something so animalistic as defecating would not interrupt his day.

Now finished with his business, he came back down and headed to his Atelier, to prepare notes for the company tomorrow morning.

He walked in, and noticed the lights were off. Odd. Had he shut them off by accident when he left for the bathroom? Had Nathalie shut them off?

He flicked the light on, and the big plush red desk chair behind his desk swung around slowly.

“Well, well, well…If it isn’t the parent of the year.”

Gabriel just gaped in shock. “You-you…how did you get here?! I just talked to—an hour ago! The police! You were in jail!”

“My my, Gabriel. I have never seen you so flustered before.” He shook his head with a chuckle. “Are you ready to call it quits yet? Or are you going to call the police on me again? What little lie will you tell this time? That I was trespassing? After I ran away from home?”

“Now Adrien, this was for your own good!”

“I think we both know this has far passed my own well being, old man.”

Gabriel just continued to stare at him, and Plagg wondered when the anger would burst out. Gabriel was never a level-headed man. So to see him so shocked, almost afraid, was concerning.

Actually no, it was delightful.

“You’re obsessed with control. To the point where I look like a cardboard cutout to you, instead of your son. Your son who is a human, with wants and needs and the capacity to make mistakes. But I can love. God, I can love, Gabriel. I want to love you. And my mind tells me I have to, because you’re my father. But your actions, your coldness, your control? That tells me that my love is being wasted. I might as well love my rock wall. It gives me the same amount of affection that you do.”

Gabriel looked away, brow furrowed in thought. He still didn’t look angry, just confused and unsettled. “I really can’t...” he muttered to himself.

“I’m sorry, what was that? You really can’t what? Control me? Is that what you were going to say?”

“In a way...” Gabriel breathed. “Or ‘get you under control’, more specifically. But that’s the same thing, right? I want you to behave...but my way. And...you don’t want to.”

“And that bugs you. Because all your employees do as you ask. But I’m not an employee. I think you forgot that.”

“You escaped jail.”

“I thought we were past that.”

“Yes. Sorry, you’re right. I’m just...how? I talked to them, they said they were going to hold you until morning.”

“I told you. There’s not a lock on earth that can hold me.”

Gabriel collapsed into a chair, pushing his fingers through his hair and mussing it up. “Alright. I’m cornered. What do you want?”

“A dad.”

Gabriel frowned. Like the phrase was utter nonsense to him.

Plagg stood and came closer, and when he spoke, his tone was much softer than it had been. “What’s going on? Why do you always push me away?”

Gabriel tapped his thumbs together, clearly thinking.

“I mean,” Plagg continued. “I’m no psychiatrist. If you’d rather us get therapy together, I would be down for that.”

“Do you trust me?” Gabriel asked instead.

“I’d like to,” Plagg shrugged. “But you haven’t trusted me enough to trust you back.”

Gabriel stood. “Then I think it’s about time I let you in on what’s really been happening. It’s...it’s complicated. And I don’t expect you to understand right away. I should have told you sooner, but...I didn’t know how.” He walked over to the painting of Emilie in the style of Klimt. Then he beckoned Plagg closer.

Plagg stood at his side, and looked at the painting with Gabriel.

He expected some long winded monologue about love, and soulmates and how much losing a partner can hurt. He expected excuses and blame and guilt.

He didn’t expect for the floor to move.

Down.

Adrien dared to peek out of the jacket, just to take a glance.

They reached the bottom. A garden at the end of a bridge.

Plagg was on edge, but didn’t speak. He just followed Gabriel down the bridge. Up to a tube.

No, a casket.

With Adrien’s mother inside.

Wow.

So...this was a lot more than he was prepared for. And Gabriel certainly was not a normal, predictable human.

Gabriel 1. Plagg 0.

Actually, right now it was more like Gabriel 1, Plagg 89. But who was counting?

“I...that’s...” the shock was genuine. Adrien never knew what happened to his mom. And the whole time, she was in the basement?

“She’s in a coma, and can’t wake up. It’s an effect of using the broken peacock miraculous.”

Oh shit. Oh shit shit shit. This was bad. Really really terribly awfully bad. Edge of a knife, balancing on a thread kind of bad.

“It is my hope that by obtaining the Ladybug and Black Cat miraculous, I can join them and wish for her to be healed and wake up.”

Don’t say it. Don’t you dare say it, Gabe!

“I’ve been trying to do so with the use of the Butterfly Miraculous, as Hawkmoth.”

Goddamn son of bitch!

It occurred to Plagg that Adrien would probably not be taking this news quite as calmly as he was. Adrien would be screaming and crying, and begging his father not to do this. But Plagg just stood there, staring at Mrs. Agreste. It was shocking, and heartbreaking, but for Plagg, it was more frustrating and annoying.

How was he supposed to repair this relationship now? Gabriel certainly didn’t seem remorseful.

“And now that I’ve told you this…I’d like you to join me. I need your help, Adrien, to bring back your mother.”

And that was the final nail in the coffin.

“Won’t you say something, son?”

What was there to say? ‘No’? ’Screw you old man’? No…he had to find some way to repair this.

“How did you find out about the wish?” Plagg asked.

Gabriel opened his lapel, and his kwami emerged. “This is Nooroo, he allows me to transform into Hawkmoth.”

Plagg turned his slitted eyes onto his estranged brother, only to receive a wide-eyed gasp. Nooroo knew, but continued to stay silent and wait.

“He told me about the wish. He said it was the only way to save her.”

“The only way he knew of.” Plagg corrected.

Gabriel narrowed his eyes at him. “What—?”

Plagg sighed. “The ultimate wish would, potentially, work, however, balance must always be maintained. If you want to wake her up, someone else would have to take her place. Someone you love. Someone like Adrien.”

Gabriel took a step back. “Who are you?”

“Ah, finally figured it out, hmm Gabe?”

Gabriel went pale. “Jesus Christ…I asked who you are! Where’s my son?!”

“He’s near. And he’s safe. It took you two weeks to notice that I wasn’t Adrien. Nino and Marinette figured it out way sooner. This possibly could have gone on forever if I hadn’t given myself away.”

“WHO ARE YOU?!” Gabriel shouted, actually scared.

Plagg smirked. “Name’s Plagg. The Black Cat Kwami. At your service.”

“You…how? Why?”

“The more important question is, do you want to save your family?”

Gabriel gaped at him, so many questions going through his mind.

“Keep in mind, the ultimate wish is half of my power. I know how it works. And I think I have an idea to save Emilie without sacrificing Adrien.”

“Let me see him,” Gabriel begged, his voice full of gravel. “Let me see my son!”

Plagg took Adrien out of his jacket and held him up in his hand.

Poor Adrien was bawling. He covered his face with his paws to keep from making noise.

“Adrien…”

“How could you…you know I missed her so much…She was right here the whole time?” He sobbed. “And…and Hawkmoth…you’ve hurt everyone I’ve ever cared about.”

“Now son…”

“No! Shut up!” He wailed. “I agreed to this stupid body swap with Plagg because he promised that he’d get you to love me again…but I don’t know if I could love you. You’re a monster.”

Gabriel stared, mouth open, fighting for words, willing to protest, but he had nothing.

Plagg drew Adrien up to his face, holding him close to his cheek. “I’ve got you, buddy. It’s alright.”

The Butterfly Miraculous burned on his chest, boiling with the despair from his son. Normally, Gabriel would want to capitalize on it…but now, he just wanted to make it go away.

“What do I need to do to fix this?” He asked.

“Well, for starters, hand over your Miraculous. And the Peacock, while you’re at it.”

Adrien watched in amazement as Gabriel willingly handed over both brooches.

“Okay,” Plagg stated with an exhale, he deposited Adrien’s tiny form into Gabriel’s hand. “Here, talk with your son. Listen to what he has to say. I’m going to take these somewhere safe. And talk to my sources about helping Emilie.”

Gabriel clenched his eyes shut, like he was trying not to cry. “Had I known saving her would have been this easy, I would have asked for help. I don’t know how but...I would have.”

Adrien didn’t hold back the snark from his voice as he said, “Anything would have been better than terrorizing the entirety of Paris. What will mom think?”

This made Gabriel moan in pain. He hadn’t even considered it.

“How do I get out of here?” Plagg interrupted.

“Oh uh…the elevator. There’s a button with an up arrow.”

“Okay, I’ll be back Adrien.” Plagg took quick steps from the room.

He knew they had to talk. Nothing would be fixed without them having honest communication, but it felt wrong to leave Adrien behind like that.

Worst case scenario, Adrien could always cataclysm his father. It might permanently get them stuck until Adrien’s body perishes, but…

He left the mansion, making a beeline for Marinette’s house. The bakery was closed, and the lights were off, but Marinette’s lights were still on.

Thankfully, he had his phone.

“Hello?” Marinette’s cheerful chirp came from the other side.

“Hey Marinette, I’m outside.”

“What? Where?”

“Not on the balcony, at the front door. I have a present for you.”

The phone hung up, and he saw a light turn on in the stairwell. Then Marinette stumbled down the stairs and opened the door. “Do you have any idea what time it is? Why didn’t you transform?”

“Couldn’t. Here,” and he took her hand and slapped the brooches in it.

“I...are these...? Is this a joke?”

“Nope. Gabriel Agreste is Hawkmoth and he handed these over to me himself.”

“Gabriel is...?” She clutched her heart. “Adrien...where’s Adrien?”

“Currently having a heart to heart with his dad.”

“Yeah, but...isn’t one of the conditions to repair their relationship?”

“Yep.”

Tears welled up in her eyes. “And he was really Hawkmoth?”

“He was trying to get the miraculous to bring his wife back. She’s in a coma in their basement.”

“Oh my god...”

“You said it, sister.”

“Is he okay? Should I go over there?”

“He’s upset. Obviously. I was hoping Ladybug and the horse miraculous would make an appearance over there. We can take Emilie to the Guardian temple in Tibet. They certainly have a way to wake her up.”

“Are you sure? Or are you just hoping?”

“I’m sure. Not the first time a miraculous has broken and hurt someone.”

“Should I bring the peacock too, then?”

“Maybe keep it in your compact, just in case.”

Just then, a chirp came from the ring.

“Uh, well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.”

“What?”

“A condition was just met.”

Marinette grabbed his hand and stared at the ring. “What?! How?!”

He shrugged.

“Lila must have died.”

Plagg laughed. “You think that’s more likely?”

“I’ve seen how stubborn Mr. Agreste can be. There’s no way they’ve reconciled. What was the wording of the condition, exactly?”

Plagg smirked. “Conveniently, we didn’t have specific wording. The three conditions are ‘return unrequited crush from Ladybug—“

“Which was already requited, so it shouldn’t have even counted.”

“‘Get rid of Lila permanently,’ and ‘fix the relationship with father’. If you have a leaky pipe, you can replace the whole thing, or you could just throw some duct tape on it. Both would be considered fixes. Maybe they found their duct tape for now.”

“Perhaps. But I’m not going to stop worrying until I see him myself. Let me pop these in the Miracle Box, and I’ll meet you down in a minute.”

—

Ladybug returned to the mansion with Plagg. He escorted her in, passed the office, down the hidden elevator, and into the garden where he had left Gabriel and Adrien.

When the door opened, there was laughter. Not manically laughter, like one might think of in a villain's lair, but laughter like someone told a really good joke.

“And then I said, ‘Napoleon may not have designed his coat, but he had a hand in it!’” More laughter.

Puns.

They were bonding over effing puns.

“Adrien?” Ladybug called out carefully, in case he had lost his mind.

“My lady!” He chirped, and zipped over to her, nuzzling her cheek.

Ladybug squeezed him carefully in her hands and kissed his little head. “Are you okay? Plagg told me what happened. I’m so sorry, Sunshine.”

He gave her a little smile, a purr rumbling in his chest. “I’m okay, my lady. Or I will be. My dad apologized, and we talked and...well, put a bandaid on a bullet wound. But it’s a start.”

“Ladybug?” Gabriel asked softly. “Would you...help my wife?”

She stepped closer to the coffin, finally seeing Emilie in her coma. She looked like a living doll. Was she even breathing?

“Plagg says the Guardians in Tibet can help. But I would like my Kwami to take a look first, just to make sure. Are you going to behave?”

“All I want is my wife back. If your miraculous is the bad way to do it, then I don’t want it. I almost lost Adrien. I don’t want that to happen.”

It was a good answer. “Spots off.”

Gabriel gasped when he saw her, and then chuckled. “Of course it would be you, Miss Dupain-Cheng.”

“What’s so funny?”

“You know, I tried to akumatize you several times.”

“Yeah, I remember.” She glared at him.

“I thought you would be a perfect akuma. You’re incredibly creative, resourceful, strong-willed, and have a strong sense of justice. I knew that if I could get you, I’d definitely win.”

She shrugged. “I guess I will take that as a compliment...”

Tikki flitted over to the casket, followed by Plagg. They observed, and conversed.

“Do you think it will work?” Asked Adrien.

“Plagg certainly seemed to think so.” She scratched the back of his head. “You know, your ring went off while Plagg was briefing me. Seems you met another condition.”

Adrien looked at her with wide eyes. “You serious?”

“Seems like your bandaid did just enough. Or Lila died.”

“Lila? Lila Rossi? What does she have to do with this?” Asked Gabriel.

So they told him the whole story. About how Adrien had lamented to Plagg about his problems, and how Plagg had tricked him. They laid out the conditions and explained that only one remained.

Getting Lila to leave him alone.

“Well, for one thing, I can fire her.” Gabriel said simply. “I have no need for a compulsive liar in my employment.”

Adrien hugged his father’s neck. “Thankyouthankyouthankyou!”

“Of course, I could also set up a restraining order, if you’d like.”

“That would make things...maybe even more difficult. She would take it as a challenge.”

“I thought as much. Well, if Emilie is truly going to Tibet, I will go with. And while we’re gone, we’ll think of ways to help with Lila. If you haven’t solved it already. I should probably leave an email for Nathalie so she knows what’s happened.”

“Did she know?”

“Mayura.”

“Ah, right.”

“Oh crap!” Adrien suddenly exclaimed.

“What?”

“Nino still thinks I’m in jail!”

#ml #miraculous ladybug #marinette dupain cheng #adrienette #adrien agreste #adrien and plagg #plagg #I'll handle this #fanfiction #identity reveal

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sparrow-flies-south · 4 years

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Put A Spell On You [2/3]

Fandom: Sanders Sides Rating: Teen Pairings: Prinxiety, very minor background Logicality Summary: Roman sighed, trying to figure out how best to explain it. “I think everyone’s in love with me.” Virgil rolled his eyes. “How do you walk around under the weight of that ego?”

Everyone is acting strangely around Roman. Thank god his best friend (and crush) Virgil seems to be unaffected, because he’s going to need all the help he can get to figure out why everyone is confessing their love to him.

Notes: Thanks for the amazing response to the first chapter! I hope you enjoy this part. Heads up for some sexual references and potentially disturbing images (blame Remus).

Taglist: @cass-isdumb @altheaudaku

Part One Part Three

Also on ao3

Of all the things that could go wrong at a magical university, Roman Prince having a love spell cast on him by his evil twin managed to be a scenario Virgil had never imagined.

Then again, seeing as predicting this would have required an insight into how Remus’ mind worked, perhaps it was a good thing he hadn’t seen this coming.

Roman pushed his way past Logan towards the door, and Virgil shot forward, one hand grabbing Roman’s arm.

“Hold up, what are you doing?” Virgil asked.

Roman stared blankly at him. “Tracking down Remus.”

Virgil gaped at him. “No. No way. You can’t go across campus like this!”

“I agree.” Logan sounded like saying that pained him. “It would be best for you to stay here, where it is safe.”

Roman shook his head. “I thought the plan was to make Remus remove the spell.”

“It is, but you’re not going,” Virgil said. “I am.”

Roman shook his head again. “Remus won’t listen to you.”

“Remus doesn’t listen to anyone.”

“I know how to deal with my brother.”

“So do I.”

“This is my mess, you shouldn’t have to-“

“I’m pretty sure this is the whole of campus’ mess now,” Virgil snapped, which made Roman flinch.

“Look,” Virgil continued, gentler now, “Just – let me help, okay, Princey?”

Roman deflated. “You don’t-“

“I want to.”

“Fine,” he said, “Just – be careful, okay?”

Virgil gave a small smile. “You’re telling me to be careful?”

Roman huffed a laugh. “I guess this day is even crazier than I thought.”

Next to them, Logan coughed. Right, he was still there.

“I do not believe Virgil should go alone,” he said. “This is far too important to just trust to him.”

Great, so Logan was still suspicious. Still, at least that meant he hadn’t figured out what was really going on. Virgil couldn’t imagine a worst way for Roman to find out how he felt than through Logan, even in the best of circumstances.

Not that Virgil planned on Roman ever finding out.

Roman looked about ready to defend Virgil’s honour again, and Virgil tried not to read too much into that. Roman would do the same for literally anyone.

“So come with me,” Virgil said, before Roman could do anything.

Logan frowned. “But Roman is staying here.”

“Yes,” Virgil said, “But if you come with me, you’ll be helping Roman.”

Virgil was definitely only doing this because he didn’t want to waste more time standing around, arguing. It had nothing to do with the irrational annoyance that rose up at the way Logan looked at Roman.

“Besides,” Virgil added, because he was already going to hell, so why not get something useful out of it. “I’m sure Roman would be very grateful to you for saving him.”

“I would?” Roman asked, and Virgil glared. “I mean – I would!” he took a step towards Logan, his gaze suddenly going soft. “Please, Logan? Will you help me?”

Virgil looked away. He knew that Roman was just acting, but that didn’t stop the jealousy that twisted in his gut.

Not that we have any right to be jealous. Not when the two of them were manipulating Logan right now.

Besides, Roman could be with whoever he wanted. It was none of Virgil’s business.

Logan looked torn for a moment, but then he nodded. “I – very well. I suppose I could accompany Virgil.”

Roman smiled, and it was different to the way he smiled at Virgil.

“Great,” Virgil said sharply. “Let’s go.”

He grabbed Logan’s arm, pulled him to the door, and pushed him through. Before leaving himself, though, he looked back at Roman, who was looking uncertain.

“If we don’t come back,” he said, “It’s because Remus murdered us and is wearing our skin.”

“I’ll be sure to avenge you,” Roman said with a smile.

Virgil nodded, and turned away, before turning back again. “Oh, but if only Logan comes back, it’s because he murdered me and dumped my body in the lake.”

And then he finally turned away, and set off to find Remus.

***

“So,” Logan said, as they set off across campus. “Do actually you know where Remus is?”

Virgil shoved his hands in the pockets of his hoody and tried to ignore Logan’s derisive tone. He knew that Logan – the real Logan – didn’t mean it. Just like he knew that once this was all over, Logan would be back to normal.

Although, Logan might never forgive him or Roman for the way they were manipulating him. Or maybe the way he felt under the spell would serve as a wakeup call, and Logan would realise he didn’t want anything to do with Virgil after all. And then he’d take Patton and Roman with him, and Virgil would be alone again.

“Well?” Logan asked impatiently, pulling Virgil out of his spiralling thoughts.

Right. Focus on Remus now. Worry about the future later.

“Look, I do know Remus, alright?” Virgil had used to hang around with him, after all. “And Remus craves instant satisfaction. He’ll be wherever he thinks the most chaos will be.”

Virgil gestured at the building they had arrived at.

“The library? Ah, I see. Roman and I would normally meet for our tutoring sessions at this time. That was surprisingly astute, Virgil.”

Virgil wasn’t sure whether Logan meant that as a compliment or an insult, so he decided to ignore i.,

“Where do you and Roman normally go?” Virgil asked as they entered the library.

“The study rooms,” Logan answered, and led the way up the stairs.

The second floor was mostly one large study space, with group study rooms around the edge. Virgil didn’t spend much time there; he preferred to work on the top floor, which was normally empty.

The two of them reached the top of the stairs, and Virgil stuck out an arm to stop Logan from going any further.

Remus Prince was not difficult to spot. He was crouched behind a couple of potted plants, perhaps in a bizarre attempt to camouflage himself. A couple of students working at the tables nearby were giving him curious looks, but most were ignoring him. Virgil wasn’t sure if it was a student thing, or if everyone was used to Remus’ antics by now.

Remus was entirely focused on the windows of the study rooms, and hadn’t noticed Virgil and Logan.

“Stay here,” Virgil told Logan quietly.

Closing his eyes and focusing, Virgil murmured the incantations to an invisibility spell. The magic settled over him like a cool breeze, making Virgil’s skin buzz. He gave Logan a nudge on the arm to let him know what was happening, and then made his way across the room.

Invisibility spells were not fool proof, especially not to other magic users. If anyone concentrated hard enough, they would be able to notice the tell-tale ripple of the illusion.

Fortunately, Remus was not paying attention.

Virgil looped around the room so that he approached Remus from the other side. He crouched down behind Remus, and let the spell slip away as he leaned close

“Boo,” Virgil whispered.

Remus gave a shriek, lost his balance, and fell backwards.

It would have been funny, except that Virgil was still behind him.

Virgil shoved Remus off him and onto the floor. He smirked up at Virgil.

“You know,” Remus mused, “I’ve had fantasies that start like this.”

Virgil pulled a face. “Gross.”

“So, Virgie, what are you doing here? Wait-“ Remus’ eyes lit up in a way that could only spell danger “Are you looking for Roman?”

“No,” Virgil snapped.

Remus’ face scrunched up in confusion. “Are you sure? But- Oh, that’s interesting.” Remus grinned. “Something you’d like to share with the class?”

Virgil was certain that his face was turning red, which was never good in front of Remus. Fortunately, he was spared from answering by Logan arriving.

“This plan is certainly meeting all my expectations,” he commented coolly.

Virgil scowled. Remus beamed up at the newcomer.

“Logan! My favourite repressed nerd! You know, if you two wanted a threesome, you could have just asked.”

This was decidedly worse than being murdered and turned into a lampshade.

“Enough,” Logan snapped. “We know about the love spell. You’re going to reverse it.”

Remus tapped his fingers against his chin as he made a show of thinking it over. “Hmmm… Nah. What? It’s funny.”

“Funny?” Virgil snapped “It’s disgusting. What if something happened?”

Someone nearby turned and glared at him. Right. Library.

Remus gasped. “Why, Virgie! I never knew you had so little faith in my brother.. What would Roman say? Do you think he’d cry? I think he’d cry.”

“Roman is far too noble to take advantage of another person,” Logan said, glaring at Virgil. “The actions of other people are far more concerning. Love spells used in the past have resulted in assaults, and, in extreme cases, murder.”

“Should we be worried about how much you know about this?” Remus asked.

“Says the guy whose favourite dinner table conversation is Ed Gein?” Virgil realised what he just said, and sighed. “Never mind, I just proved your point.”

“My academic interests aside, ending the spell before it escalates would be in your best interests.”

Remus pouted. “But it hasn’t gotten to the good part yet! Come on, at least wait until there has been one fist fight.”

Logan shook his head. “This is getting us nowhere. Come on, Virgil, perhaps the disciplinary board would make for a better conversation partner.”

Logan turned and walked away, and Virgil reluctantly followed him.

“Roman’s not going to want to go to the board,” he whispered.

Logan didn’t answer.

They had almost reached the stairs when Remus shouted “Okay, fine, I’ll end the stupid spell!”

Logan shot Virgil a smug look. Behind them, someone shhed Remus.

Virgil and Logan walked back to where Remus was now sulking.

“You know,” He muttered, “If you wanted to discipline me-“

“You will take the spell off Roman,” Logan interrupted.

Remus nodded, scowling.

“And,” Logan continued, “You will refrain by pulling similar… pranks in the future.”

“You’re no fun.” Logan remained stone-faced. “Fine. But I’m only doing this because Dee got mad at me last time he had to bribe the university.”

“Why did you decide to cast the spell on Roman anyway?” Logan asked.

Virgil shot him an incredulous look.

“What?” Logan asked, “You’re not curious?”

“You’re really expecting a straight answer out of Remus?”

“Logan,” Remus said, mock offended. “How dare you assume anything about me is straight! But if you must know, yes, I did actually have a reason behind this.”

Virgil turned his incredulous look to Remus.

“I did! Roman always acts like he thinks everyone’s in love with him. So, I decided to make it true.”

Logan nodded slowly. “And you intended to… what? Teach him humility? Show him the value of the love he already has?”

Remus pulled a face. “What? No! I did it because it was funny.” He glanced at Virgil. “He really can’t take a joke, can he?”

Virgil rolled his eyes. “You still haven’t ended the spell.”

“And yet, you seem fine. Funny how that works, isn’t it?”

“We are already aware of the mystery of why Virgil isn’t affected – though he isn’t the only one,” Logan spoke up.

Remus frowned at Logan, and then his eyes widened in amusement.

“Wait – are you saying he thinks-?”

“End. The. Spell.” Virgil hissed through gritted teeth.

Remus grinned. “Oh, now I’m definitely okay with ending it. I can’t wait to see his face!”

Remus rolled his hand lazily. Virgil felt a slight sense of relief, as if something that had been pushing at his skin had fallen away, and he only noticed it’s absence. All across the room, people began to stir and sit up a little straighter.

“Wait,“ a girl sitting nearby said, frowning at the three of them, “What just-?”

“Nothing,” Virgil said quickly, “Just spell practise gone wrong.”

The girl didn’t look convinced, but before Virgil could say anything else, his attention was taken away Logan, who gave a shuddering breath.

Virgil watched him nervously. His face was expressionless, but his back was tensed, and his hands were clenched into fists.

“L?” Virgil asked softly.

Logan wasn’t looking at Virgil. He opened and shut his mouth again, before finally saying “Oh.” With that, he stiffly spun on his heel and began walking away.

“Well, that wasn’t as fun as I hoped,” Remus said sulkily.

Virgil gave one last glare at Remus, before hurrying after Logan.

As it turned out, Logan could move far faster than Virgil gave him credit for, because Logan was already walking away from the library by the time Virgil reached the entrance.

“Logan!” Virgil called, but Logan didn’t slow down.

Virgil rolled his eyes and ran to catch up with him.

“First of all, screw you for making me exercise,” Virgil gasped once he caught up.

“I suppose you can add it to the list of things to be angry at me for,” Logan replied coldly.

Virgil frowned. “What?”

Logan sighed and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Virgil. I understand that an apology is not worth much without a promise to not do it again, but given the circumstances, this is the best I can do.”

“Logan – you don’t need to apologise.”

“Yes, I do. If you mean to say that Roman deserves one too, then rest assured I will apologise to him next time I see him. But for now, I wish to be alone.”

“You don’t need to apologise to either of us,” Virgil protested. “If anything, we should be apologising to you.”

“I don’t see why. Neither of you are responsible for Remus’ actions.”

“Thank God for that,” Virgil muttered. “No, I mean how we treated you. We – we used your feelings against you.”

“Feelings that were merely the result of a spell.”

“The still felt real at the time, right?” Virgil shook his head. “You’re allowed to be mad at us, Logan.”

Logan stopped walking. “I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at Remus. And-“

“And?” Virgil prompted, when Logan trailed off.

Logan sighed. “I am mad at myself. I allowed my emotions to get the better of me.”

“Logan, you were under a spell. You can’t possibly blame yourself for that.”

“I know I was under a spell,” Logan snapped. “That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have resisted its influence. I am one of the best-.”

“So you’re mad at Patton, too?” Virgil asked.

Whatever Logan had been about to say, he seemed to completely forget about it. “What?”

“Patton,” Virgil repeated. “He was under the spell too, he probably did some shitty things. Are you mad at him?”

“Of course not.”

Other than under the spell, Virgil had never seen Logan look so annoyed at him.

“And do you think he’s a bad magic user for not being able to fight the spell off?”

“Patton is an excellent student,” Logan snapped, his eyes blazing. “But he can hardly be expected to fight off such a powerful spell.”

“Then why,” Virgil said calmly, “Are you any different?”

Logan deflated. “It’s not the same,” he said weakly.

“Logan,” Virgil said gently, “You’re allowed to have feelings. And when those feelings are manipulated by magic, well, you’re allowed to act kinda crazy.”

Logan said nothing; he just stared stubbornly at the ground. Virgil reached out a hand to touch his shoulder, but Logan pulled away. Virgil sighed.

“I don’t hate you, Logan. No one does.”

“You should. I accused you-“

“You didn’t know any better. I’d probably suspect me too.”

Logan sighed. “I did.”

Virgil frowned. “What?”

“I did know better.” For a moment, Logan fell silent. He seemed to brace himself before saying, “I know why you weren’t affected. I always knew. I only accused you because I was jealous.”

Virgil stared at him. “Jealous,” he said, numbly.

“Of your relationship with Roman. I thought I could try to turn him against you.” Logan shook his head. “Apparently, the spell made me stupid.”

Virgil wasn’t sure how to feel. Relieved, that Logan didn’t really think he could do such a thing. Hurt, though he didn’t exactly have a right to feel that way after what he’d just told Logan. Confusion, at why Logan would feel he had to do it.

“Logan,” Virgil said slowly. “You know Roman and I are just friends, right?”

Logan stared at him. “That is what you choose to focus on?”

Virgil shrugged.

Logan sighed, and rubbed his temples. “Okay. First of all, the spell does not care for the difference. Roman cares for you, and that made you a threat. Second of all-,” he hesitated. “Second of all, I believed many things while under the spells influence. I believed I was the perfect match for Roman. I believed that love meant obsession. I also believed, that if forced to choose between us, Roman would choose you.”

Virgil swallowed. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying, perhaps you should consider telling Roman why you weren’t affected. Lord knows he will not figure it out on his own.”

Virgil shook his head. “No. No way. Roman not figuring it out is a good thing.”

Logan shook his head. “Virgil-“

“Are you going to talk to Patton about how you feel?” Virgil challenged.

Logan sighed. “Very well. I will drop the subject for now.”

He began to walk again, but this time he didn’t try to stop Virgil from walking with him.

“It’s a shame,” Logan mused, “That Remus will get away without consequences.”

“Who says he will?”

Logan frowned. “We agreed not to tell the university board.”

“So we won’t tell the university board.” Virgil smiled wickedly. “Doesn’t mean I’m going to let him get away with it.”

Logan shook his head, looking amused. “I almost feel sorry for him.”

“No, you don’t.”

Logan raised an eyebrow. “I did say almost.”

Virgil grinned. “Wanna help get revenge?”

Logan hesitated, probably weighing up the potential consequences, and then his mouth twitched into a smile. “Very well,” he said.

***

As soon as Virgil stepped back inside the apartment, Roman threw his arms around him.

“You did it!” Roman said, grinning.

“Yeah, yeah,” Virgil muttered. “You owe me one.”

He allowed himself a moment to enjoy the hug, before reluctantly pushing Roman off.

“I owe you more than one. Is Logan alright?”

Virgil pulled a face. “Freaking out about having to admit he has feelings, but yeah, he’ll be fine. You should probably talk to him sooner, rather than later, though.”

Roman nodded absently. “I will. Seriously, though, Virgil, I- thank you. You kinda saved me.”

Virgil rolled his eyes. “Don’t be so dramatic. Remus probably wouldn’t have let a mob tear you apart.”

Roman shook his head, his face sincere in a way Virgil had never seen. “I’m serious, Virgil. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Virgil shrugged, fighting to hide his blush. His mouth suddenly felt dry. “Yeah, well, you’re my best friend.”

For a moment, they just stood there, until Virgil couldn’t deal with the look on Roman’s face. “Look,” he said, “I just had to deal with your brother, and that is way too much socialising for one day. I’m going to go to my room and freak out.”

With that, Virgil moved past him towards the safety of his door.

“All right.” Roman sounded more fond that offended, thank God. “Hey, did you ever figure out why you weren’t affected?”

Virgil hesitated outside his door. Logan’s words earlier came back to him.

He could turn around right now, and confess everything. Roman might even feel the same way. Might press one hand to the side of Virgil’s face and kiss him the way Virgil fantasised about.

But Virgil was a coward. So he didn’t look away from his door. And all he did was shrug, and say “Beats me. Must just be a weird magic thing.”

And then he stepped inside his room, and closed the door behind him.

#sanders sides #roman sanders #virgil sanders #prinxiety #fanfiction #remus sanders #My fic #put a spell on you

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howtohero · 3 years

Text

#296 Return of the Starter-Villain

Hello How To Hero Heads! Today we’ve got some exciting news to share with you, we’ve finally hired a new supervillain correspondent: Everyone’s favorite lameo starter-villain, Smuggles. Say hello Smuggles. ||Hello Smuggles.|| Sheesh, this guy. I know, I know you must be shocked that I even allowed this to happen. Many of you will recall that I never signed off on, approved of, or got along with our last supervillain correspondent, Dr. Brainwave (don’t pretend you didn’t love Dr. Brainwave like a son, I seem to recall you being incredibly broken up when he died.) but that was because Dr. Brainwave was like, a credible threat who posed an actual danger to us and who once genetically engineered a giant monster that ate me. But Smuggles isn’t anything like that, he’s like the lowest of low-tier supervillains. ||It’s true, I was once hired to smuggle several objects into America, including a TSA uniform that was my exact size, and I never even once thought to put on the uniform to make the rest of the job easier.|| You may recall how in our original post on starter-villains we mentioned that he was on the rise ever since he teamed up with fellow low-level supervillains, Perry the Pirate and Charlie the Fish-Whisperer to hijack a canoe. But we’re both please and dismayed to say that our prediction was wrong. In the past three years, Smuggles has made absolutely nothing of himself. ||I once accidentally turned myself into a bowl of ice cream on a hot summer’s day.|| That starter-villain team didn’t even last past that first job, Charlie the Fish Whisperer went on, as you know, to become one of the most feared supervillains in the world and we all live in fear of the day Chuck the Fish Whisperer uses his awesome powers to escape the prison dimension the world’s heroes trapped him in. And Perry the Pirate became a lawyer I believe. But Smuggles, man, Smuggles. He’s no threat at all, so I was thrilled to see his application among the many we received following Dr. Brainwave’s untimely demise. So, welcome aboard Smuggles. ||Thanks! I’m excited to share my villainous insider knowledge with your read-|| Yeah yeah, that rocks man. So, anyway, in honor of our new staff member, we’re going to take a look at what happens when your starter-villain returns.

A starter-villain is, of course, the villain you fight on your first night out as a superhero. The costumed jaywalker whose swift defeat you use to springboard your career as a respected crime fighter. They will undoubtedly be the easiest villain to defeat that you come up against. As you become more experienced and proficient in superheroism, you’ll look back at your first fight fondly and laugh about all the ways the fight could have ended even quicker than it already did now that you’ve learned and grown a whole bunch. As time goes on and you fight more and more supervillains, eventually meeting your one true nemesis and a whole slew of other villains that you’ll tango with on a regular basis, you’ll even forget who your starter-villain even was. ||I’ve been a starter-villain to over 30 superheroes, and even though I send each of them a holiday card every year, I’ve only ever gotten one response.|| But, as Smuggles just demonstrated, your starter-villain will never forget you. And soon enough, once they’re ready, they’ll ensure that you never forget them again. ||The one response was from Hatman and he just sent a card saying “New phone, who dis?” Like, it was a postcard, a signed postcard. A signed personalized postcard. It said “Hatty Holidays!” and everything!||

It’s very possible that the starter-villain you defeated was also just starting out their costumed career. A crushing defeat on their first night is sure to sit with them, (supervillains being notoriously obsessive, dramatic, and good at remembering how they got their various scars), and they’re going to stew with that for a good while. Even if it wasn’t their first night of attempted-villainy, a defeat by a rookie superhero is sure to make them a laughing stock in the supervillain community. And you know what that means... ||Years of unanswered holiday cards||... revenge.

Your starter-villain will soon come to see you as their nemesis. Even though you’re perfectly happy with the eternal battle of good versus evil that you’ve already got going on with your actual nemesis. They aren’t going to care that you’re already seeing somebody (off to prison in handcuffs). They’re going to want you for their own. They’re going to spend every waking moment of their life plotting against you. Taking the time to really learn everything there is to know about you. This is just one more reason why it’s so important to to make sure your secret identity is ironclad before you start your superhero career. Because as soon as you defeat your first villain, there’s going to be someone out there working to uncover who you really are. ||Honestly, most superheroes don’t even bother trying to keep their secret identity from me. Many of them have just walked up to me and introduced themselves like “Hi, I’m Joe.” It’s kind of insulting.||

For that reason you’d do well to keep tabs on your starter-villain after you defeat them that first night. Their quest for revenge will start immediately and their scheme is just going to grow more and more protracted and elaborate the longer you let things lie. If you’ve already lost track of your starter-villain and it’s been a few years since you’ve been a superhero, I’d start shoring up your defenses. The longer you go without hearing from them, the worse it’s going to be when they eventually rear their ugly ||that’s just rude|| heads again. So put out some feelers, try to find out what they’re up to. If you can’t track them down through your superhero network of contacts, you can even try reaching out to your nemesis to see if they can help. Depending on how obsessive and vindictive your starter-villain is, your current nemesis might also find themselves in your starter-villain’s crosshairs. If you literally have no idea who your starter-villain is, sorry, you’re just going to have be on high alert all the time.

You may discover that your starter-villain has since turned over a new leaf and is actually now operating as a superhero or working with a superhero-adjacent organization such as the OPG. On the surface that makes sense, I mean, they were barely a supervillain to begin with. So the jump to superheroism is not as extreme as it would be for say Al “Da Boss” Marconi, or Karallaxus destroyer of worlds. But even though it might make sense for a starter-villain to have become a superhero, you must not believe it even for one second. Even if some part of a starter-villain truly wants to be better, you can be sure that an even bigger part of them actually just wants revenge on their starter-hero and joining the superhero community is just one of many increasingly inane steps in their protracted revenge scheme.

The only way to truly dissuade a returned starter-villain from dogging you forever and always is to either die or pretend you did. Otherwise they will track you down and hunt you to the ends of the known universe. ||And don’t forget the multiverse, Chuck the Fish Whisperer may be consigned to another universe, but that doesn’t mean his hatred has diminished one iota.|| Exactly! A starter-villain will stop at nothing until they’ve repaired their reputation in the form of destroying the person or people who tarnished it in the first place.

Defeating your first supervillain is an important milestone in the life of any superhero. Unfortunately, it is also an important milestone in the life of that very supervillain, whose life will become utterly subsumed by their embarrassing defeat at your inexperienced hands. Smuggles here is really the exception that proves the rule. ||Wait what?|| Normally, starter-villains become exponentially more dangerous by the time you next encounter them. So you must never underestimate a villain just because you beat them when you were a little kid wearing garish tights and you happened to be doing parkour near your convenience store right when it was being robbed. So why don’t you all take a moment now to check in on your starter-villain and make sure that you’re still able to beat them!

(All right, that’s a wrap on How To Hero #296. Great job everyone, we’ll see you next week.)

||Um.||

(Oh hey, Smugs. Good work today I guess. In the future we all prefer it when the supervillain correspondent kind of harasses Zach a bit, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that you’re a bit lackluster compared to Dr. Brainwave.)

||Oh well-||

(You know, I didn’t even want to hire you. I was gunning for Snipey McSkullface. That guy has style.)

||In the form of a skull face-tattoo, yes, I’m familiar with him.||

(Anyway, did you need something from me?)

||Er, yes. I was told that this position came with housing?||

(Oh yes definitely it does! You get to move into our super sweet basement! Right this way, follow me.)

||Thank you, it’s tough out there for a costumed smuggler. So I’m kind of in between homes at the moment.||

(Oh yeah? Wearing a distinctive bright costume makes smuggling more difficult? Who would’ve thunk.)

||Sigh.||

(Did you just say “sigh”?)

||So this basement...||

(Oh yeah! Dr. Brainwave used to live there, you know before he exploded, so a lot of his junk is still down there, but don’t worry we did our best to clear out the mutant alligators.)

||What do you mean you did your best?||

(Listen Smugs, at the end of the day mutant alligators will be mutant alligators if you catch my meaning.)

||I’m not sure I do...||

(Ha! Classic Smugs, anyway enjoy your new digs I’ll see you around.)

||Sure... thanks||

||Wow, they really left everything just as it was. All of Dr. Brainwave’s equipment and machinery is still here. This couldn’t have gone better... Now if I just fire up this thing ah, nope, that’s just a feed that shows what everyone else in this building is thinking about. Not what I’m looking for, but I’ll come back for that later maybe... Oh gross, you know what this thing should be burned. Now let’s see, shrink ray, precarious stack of explosives, ah! Here it is! The interdimensional warp gate generator. Excellent. Now, if I just power it up, and set it to the proper frequency. Yes... Yes! Yes it’s working! Oh now they’ll rue the day they disrespected Smuggles. Each of them will pay dearly for how they treated me... now that you’re back old frien-||

Hey, Smuggles? Oh good, Parenthesis Guy got you settled in, just wanted to thank you for your great work today and to check if you needed anythi- What are you doing.

||Oh Zach! Hello! What do you mean?||

Why is there a warp gate open in my basement? What are you doing with that thing?

||Taking my foul revenge on you and everybody else who ever slighted me! The world will crumble before me and my ally!!!||

Listen, if this is about the jokes, I’m sorry about that, but you really don’t want to do this. Trust me, this isn’t going to end well for any of us.

||It certainly won’t end well for you and all of your superhero friends. Ah, there he is. Welcome back, Chuck the Fish Whisperer.||

Oh... this is bad.

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starscheme · 4 years

Text

Change My World

Chapter Six: Thank You

Spinel and Steven had settled in the tent that was set up for them. Their supplies had been brought from the lake and Spinel was sitting in this small inflatable pool that they had given them. It must have been how the other mermaids handled being on land like this.

“These are pretty convenient,” Spinel commented as she laid herself back in the shallow water.

Though Spinel seemed content, Steven couldn’t quite calm down. These people didn’t seem bad at all, but he had a sinking feeling about these Gems they spoke of. Pacing the floor of the tent, he tried to think of some way to talk Spinel out of it.

“You don’t have to worry so much. If this is something Peridot came up with, I’m sure it’s not as bad as they described it.”

“They said it’s like a big target,” Steven replied. “If that Gem happens to break, you’ll die. Doesn’t that scare you?”

Spinel sat up, her tail swishing lightly against the water. “I guess…it’s a little worrisome, but what’s the alternative? You can’t just carry me all over the place. It will make travel so much easier if I can walk too. I think it’s worth the risk.”

“…if you say so,” Steven replied with a long sigh. His main concern had been Spinel’s safety all this time. He just wanted to make sure she remained unharmed during this journey, but Lars was right, he hadn’t thought this completely through. He didn’t think about all the security they had near the shores or the ships they had out in the water to watch for Mermaids. In his small little beach village, they didn’t get much mainstream news. Spinel coming to town was the biggest thing to happen there in a long time and the only reason they used that harbor was because the ship couldn’t travel further in with the supplies they had. “…Well, they said it might take Peridot a little while to get here. …were you two close?”

Spinel flinched lightly, she only just now thought about it, but what if Peridot wasn’t happy to see her? “…Not too close. She was a part of a different tribe, but when everyone joined together for the war, that’s when I met her and Lapis.”

“If you two weren’t that close…how do you know this Gem thing of hers is really a good idea?”

“Why are you so against this?” asked Spinel. “I’m the one taking all the risk here.”

Steven’s cheeks burned lightly, “I’m just worried about you. They said the transformation into a human is pretty painful as well.”

Spinel stared up at Steven with a blank expression before she found herself stifling a laugh.

“It’s not funny,” Steven insisted, more embarrassed now than before, “I just don’t want you-“

“—No, no. I’m not laughing at you,” Spinel corrected with a smile and a wave of her hand, “it’s just, you’re the first one, human or mermaid that has shown so much loyalty so fast. I laughed because I was surprised at myself and because you’re still surprising me.” She finished with a giggle.

“…what do you mean,” asked Steven, rubbing the back of his neck as he glanced away from her. Her cheerful expression only making the blush at his cheeks burn brighter.

“I believe I said it many times before, but you’re a strange one. You gave up your entire way of living for a complete stranger. You became a criminal…ensuring that you’ll never lead a normal life again…and you’re still just thinking about my safety. You’re a complete idiot…” Spinel muttered at the end.

Steven sighed and sat down beside the small pool she sat in, “You know…” he began, as if they were about to argue.

“...and I never thanked you for any of it,” continued Spinel quietly.

Surprised, Steven glanced at Spinel, who seemed rather embarrassed, hugging her tail close to her chest and averting her eyes from Steven, hoping he wouldn’t see her reddened cheeks.

“…So…even though I still think you made a stupid choice. ...I…want to thank you for making it.” Spinel finished, daring to turn her gaze towards Steven. He appeared dumbfounded by her words and said nothing in return. “I mean—it’s not much,” Spinel went on, feeling like a fool, “but I can’t offer you anything else. So—so my gratitude will have to do.”

Steven was honestly stunned to silence. He never expected Spinel to thank him so sincerely. At least, not this soon. He couldn’t help but smile, watching Spinel trying to hide her blushing face. She reminded him of a stray cat he once found. At first it would scratch and hiss at him, but it was so cute that he just couldn’t leave it alone. “Your gratitude is more than enough,” he replied finally, leaning over and wrapping his arms around Spinel’s shoulders as she continued to hug her tail. It seemed that they were finally becoming friends and Steven was overjoyed by the prospect.

Spinel was only able to make a small squeak as Steven hugged her, frozen in place over the shock of it. How long had it been since anyone hugged her so happily?

“Am I interrupting something?” asked Lars with a smirk as he stood at the entrance to their tent.

“Yes,” Steven joked while Spinel panicked and shook her head rapidly.

“Can we talk for a sec? I’d like to show you something,” continued Lars as he waved Steven over.

Though Steven let go of Spinel, he stayed in place sitting next to her. “You can’t talk to me here?” It wasn’t that he thought Lars was going to hurt Spinel. They’d done nothing but help them so far, he just didn’t really like leaving her alone.

“Go on,” Spinel insisted, eager for a chance to calm down on her own. “I’ll be fine as long as I’m in the water.”

Steven sighed a bit and got to his feet. He was still hesitant, but he didn’t want to be too overprotective. Lars smiled and led Steven from the tent, leaving a Spinel alone to watch their backs as they walked away. When she was sure they had gone, the mermaid brought both her hands to her cheeks, panicking internally as she held back the urge to scream. That was so embarrassing she didn’t know how to react properly. This human was honest, kind, and seemed completely unabashed when it came to showing affection. How was she supposed to deal with a human like that?

“You and that human seem rather close…” one of the Rutile twins commented as they stepped inside the tent, “…we wanted to ask you a few questions about him if you don’t mind…”

While Rutile was attempting to have a conversation with Spinel, Steven had followed Lars back to his tent, but while Lars said he wanted a word, he hadn’t said anything on the walk there. “So, what is that you wanted to talk about?” asked Steven finally, becoming a little impatient.

“You were pretty cut up by all those thorns in the woods before,” began Lars, “but the scratches I saw when you first got here are gone now.”

“…yeah? I’ve always been a pretty fast healer.”

“And carrying a mermaid? That’s an easy task for you? I was told you carried her all the way to the lake and I even watched you carry her to camp. A Mermaids tail is pure muscle you know. It makes them pretty heavy.”

“Did you ask me here to just state facts about me?”

“Do you know what they do at the Capital,” asked Lars, disregarding Stevens question. “They don’t capture Mermaids just to put them in a Zoo. They experiment on them.”

Steven tensed up. People were experimenting on the Mermaids? “…how…”

“You saw one of the members of my crew, right? The Rutile twins. You may have noticed that they’re sort of joined at the hip. Well they weren’t always that way. They were just a pair of twin Mermaids that got caught before they were brought to the capital. I don’t know what the humans were trying to do, but the end result…was having the twins stuck together like that. That little Mermaid you saw? Padparadscha. She was also used as a learning tool for the humans. Her specific type of Mermaid are adapt at predicting the future. The humans were probably trying to extract that skill from her, but the experiments damaged her beyond repair. Now, the visions she sees are things that have already happened. As if she’s a few steps behind everyone in time.”

“…that’s…horrible…” Steven breathed out, unable to imagine going through something so awful. Who knows how long they were tortured at the hands of human beings.

“It is,” agreed Lars, “which is why I promised my crew they would never be caught or used by humans again.”

Steven suddenly realized where Lars was going with this and he deflated. “…I’m not gonna—“

“So here’s the thing,” Lars continued without allowing Steven to finish. “You should go back to your home. Tell the authorities that the Mermaid enchanted you or something. You’ll be questioned for a few days, but eventually they will let you go and everything will go back to normal for you. You won’t be a criminal anymore and we’ll even give you money for your trouble.”

“You guys may not trust me because I’m human, but I’m not going to leave Spinel alone,” insisted Steven.

“She won’t be alone. She’ll stay with us and her own kind. You won’t need to worry about her anymore.”

Steven thought for a moment. Would Spinel be happier that way? She did seem a lot more comfortable now that they found other Mermaids and an old friend was even on her way. “If Spinel doesn’t want me around, she can tell me that herself. Until then, I’m going to stick with her.”

Lars didn’t seem surprised by Steven’s reply; instead, he shrugged his shoulders with a sigh. “Fine, but it’s like you said, you’re a human. You’ve already seen a lot and if you keep traveling with Spinel, you’ll learn even more about the Mermaids that might potentially harm others if you suddenly decide it’s too much trouble. I don’t think you’re a bad kid, but there’s a lot at stake here. So, if you really want to keep going…I’m going to have to insist that you prove yourself.”

“Prove myself, how?”

“It’s going to sound a little extreme, but we don’t have any other way to make sure you won’t betray us,” began Lars, “it’s a spell, something like a contract. If you agree to it, there really won’t be a chance to turn back.”

Steven wasn’t sure what kind of spell this was going to be, but he was certain if he didn’t agree to it, Lars and his crew would most likely force him to leave Spinel somehow. “Fine, tell me what I have to do.”

#change my world #steven universe #su au #mermaid au #AU #Stevinel #stevinel au #mermaid spinel #steven universe fanfic #Stevinel fic #fanfic #chapter 6

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dietaku · 5 years

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Amazing Quest 1: Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Masochism meets Machismo The party is very violently ejected over the horizon. The camera pans overhead some distance to a small island out in the middle of the ocean, where we couldn't get previously, due to a coral reef and a dialog box explaining how there's a migratory wave of sea sponges and that it's highly illegal to interfere with their trek. The party comes crashing down through the roof of the inn, whereupon the innkeeper, a slim woman in a white-n-black horizontally striped shirt and a tilted beret rushes over. Unlike other characters in the game so far, this character and the others in this town have their dialog appear on-screen little by little, accompanied by a MIDI attempting to sound like bongo drums accompanying beat poetry, even if text speed is set to max. Innkeep: Whoa. Like... are you lot okay? Hiro: I... I think so... I think I have the right number of body parts remaining. Why does that keep happening? What even happened?! Ozma: Where are we...? Innkeep: Welcome, my groovy soul sisters, to Toneland. The hippest, most forward-thinking culture on the entire planet. You are safe here. Hiro: Thank goodness. Had we landed in enemy territory, we'd have been overtaken easily. Innkeep: I didn't mean you, man-ling. Hiro: Beg pardon? Innkeep: As I said, we are a forward-thinking culture, free from the restrictions placed upon us by the pale, patriarchal penis people! Hiro: I'm at a loss for words, I'm afraid. Innkeep: Good. Your ungroovy way of speaking is such a downer. Lucky for you, I'm bilingual, but the people of this country speak only Beat Poetry and Interpretive Dance. If you want to get anywhere, you'll need at LEAST a set of bongo drums and a beret. Hiro: … Loyroll, this one's all yours. Loyroll: Hiro, my friend, I'm just gay, not a beat poet. This game was actually considered extremely revolutionary because of this line, fun fact. So, now we can stay at the inn (if we put Ozma, Mancala, or Kimyawa on point to do so. She'll scoff at any attempt made by Hiro or Loyroll.) and if we do so, she'll actually explain our next steps. Kimyawa/Ozma/Mancala: So, where would we get bongos and a beret at this hour? Innkeep: Well, these items aren't just for sale, no ma'am. You'll need to find special, custom-made gear found only in select locations. Whichever Female: What locations are those? Innkeep: You'll know them by their extremely pretentious attitudes and the overpowering smell of overpriced coffee. That's all I can tell you for now. Here, an optional scene can cue, if you opted to raise Kimyawa in the virtual pet game instead of Stinky. Ozma: Okay, you heard her! Can you get the scent, girl? Kimyawa: Yip! Yip! Yip! Ozma: Okay? You got it? Go get it! Kimyawa: Yip! Yip! Kimyawa points to the west wall, with a MIDI of yipping cuing as she does so. Ozma: Good job! Mancala: West? Mermania is to the west... and they DO have overpriced coffee... it's a start... Ozma: One more question? Kimyawa: Hai? Ozma: What DOES the fox say? Kimyawa: It says “DON'T BE RACIST, YOU FUCK!” Ozma: I was just curious!!! Kimyawa then rushes over and climbs up, sitting on Loyroll's shoulder as she pouts. Loyroll: There, there, Kimyawa, I'll get you some ice cream. Kimyawa: Hai! Ice cream, desu! This was likely added to help players along, as this was otherwise a bit of a guessing game. When you leave town, the sea sponge migration has ended here, and you can freely go to Mermania again where there is, indeed, a coffee house. However, we have more pressing matters to attend to, and the plotline in ToneLand cannot be triggered until we do it: remember how Deima left before? Well, we need to go get her again, this time permanently. So, remember where you found her the first time? The Aero Spire? Guess where we're going? This time, however, we can walk in and find her in her bed, asleep. Hiro: … Deima, are you serious? Kimyawa: Deima-chan, wake up! The game devs almost forgot to put you in this chapter! Deima's hand raises up, pointing to a note, on the far wall. Hiro goes over to it. Hiro: It says “I am asleep, due to a horrible curse, and only a noble knight's kiss can undo the spell.” Wait, this wasn't here before! Hiro flips the note over. Hiro: “And no amount of sass will get you around it, either.” This sure was a well thought-out hoax... Well, obviously, it should be... At this point, we're prompted to pick one of our party members. -If you pick Hiro- Hiro: What?! Why me?! I'm not really “noble” and I'm not a “knight” strictly speaking, as that mandates being, y'know, knighted. By, like, royalty. Loyroll: Well, Ozma's royalty. So, doesn't that, by extension, make you her knight? Hiro: Err, well... um... oh, fine. Hiro goes to Deima, visibly taking in a deep breath. Hiro: Only because it's helping someone. It's helping someone in need, right? Kimyawa: (Yeah, helping with Deima's adult needs...) Hiro bends down and pecks her on the cheek. He then rises and waits a moment. Hiro: … ? Did it not work? Maybe I'm under-qualified for the position after all. Deima: Seriously, that's all I get?! Not even on the mouth?! Hiro: … Oh yay. Deima is now safe. Clearly this was in no way predictable. Deima: AND WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SASS?! I mean-- the note... say about sass! I swear, every frickin' time the world is in danger from some amorphous evil entity, you come crawling to me like “OH NOES, SAVE US DEIMA-SAMA” and then I'm all “A'ight, bitches, stand aside!” and then we win, and then you bastards shack up with the nearest princess you can find and I'm left with reruns of the WWE! There is no justice in this universe!! -If you pick Ozma- Ozma: Okay, baby, here I come! Hiro: Say what? Ozma just grabs Deima's head and locks lips with her rather... roughly. Deima visibly flails her arms helplessly here. After a few moments, Deima goes blue and her eyes roll back in her head as she goes limp. At this point, Ozma releases her. Ozma: Fuwaaa! So, that's what you get for being stupid about this. Deima: uuuuuuuuungh... Loyroll: You do realize that, someday, you will die of a broken pelvis, right? Hiro: What...? -If you pick Kimyawa- Kimyawa: Eeeeeeh?! Watashi?! B-but I've never kissed a boy before! … Wait! She's a GIRL! Therefore, it's alright! Okay! I'll do my very best!! Kimyawa ninja-warps atop Deima's bed. She chucks a smoke pellet to the ground, which grays them out for a moment. When the smoke screen dies down, Kimyawa her has hands on each side of her face, blushing. Deima is sitting upright, a shocked expression on her face. Deima: W-what... just happened to me...? And why am I okay with it? Kimyawa: Kawawawawawa! -If you pick Loyroll- Loyroll: Ugh. Must I? Very well, but you owe me for this... Deima: HEY! ASSHOLE! Kissing me is a PRIVILEGE! Loyroll: Huh?! You want -ME- to kiss -YOU-?! … Fine. I shall do so with the utmost in style and grace, but purely to prove a point. Deima: Huh? Loyroll leans in and a brief animation of him licking Deima's nose plays. Deima: … AAAAAAAAAAAAA--!!! Loyroll: Yup. Still got it. -If you pick Mancala- Mancala: Wait, ME?! Why me?! Ugh. I already told you, I'm only a LITTLE into girls! Fine, fine... Mancala climbs astride Deima and... gets a little too into it. Hiro: You can stop now. It said just to kiss her, not to play tonsil hockey. Mancala: Sorry, I started thinking of all the MONEY this scene alone could make me in the long-run, and it just got my motor going! Deima: Is that all I am to you?! Just a cash cow?! … Well, okay, but I better get a cut too. Loyroll: Something-something-there certainly IS a cow involved-something. Mancala: Trying to cut into MY bottom line? Um, sorry, it's not me, it's you... Sadly, the New Game+ characters don't get their own scenes. God only knows what would happen if you tried to make Deima make out with herself. At any rate, Deima rejoins! This time for keeps. And, at long last, you may return to Mermania. Inside the coffee shop, you'll see a merman barkeep and we'll need to speak to him. Mancala: Yo, barkeep. A thimble of coffee with three layers of foam and cinnamon sprinkled on top! Barkeep: That'll be 25,000 currencies. Mancala: Ooo, must have a sale on right now! Barkeep: What do you want, Manny? Last time I worked with you, I spent 4 months in community service before I could re-apply for my vendor's license. Mancala: The past is in the past! Barkeep: It was FOUR MONTHS AGO! Mancala: God, you're so overly pedantic... I just need to know where I can get my hands on a set of bongos. You gonna tell me or do I need to tell the health department that you spell it “expresso”? Barkeep: Th-there's no need to get violent! You did not hear this from me, but in the kelp fields to the north-east, there's a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy... you can get your damnable bongos there. Now, out. I don't want the fuzz to think I'm still on-board with your schemes. Mancala: Thank you~! Hiro: Mancala, what kind of schemes is he on about? Ozma: Gee, I dunno. Maybe like the time she shilled us and then sold us for chump change to the village head. Mancala: The past is in the past! Let's go to the kelp fields! The kelp fields were an area we could've visited prior to now, but the enemies would've been too strong, and there wouldn't have been anything there but a few mundane healing items in chests for our trouble. Once we have this bit of intel, we can go there and a blue whale, with a beret not dissimilar to the ones seen in Toneland, and Otto the Octopus await us! Hiro: Oh no, not him again! Otto: Thaaaaaaaaat's right~! Me again! Let's welcome our very special guests, the Pudding Hero and his friends~! A burst of confetti rains down as the weird, pixelated fish come on screen, and shake in wild applause again. Loyroll: That will never cease to mystify, will it? Kimyawa: Etto... The fish then retreat to whence they came. Otto: Today's Lucky Bonus Challenge is a competition of luck and reflex to get your very own custom-fit BONGO DRUM SET! Today, Hiro's challenger is none other than Wally Whale. Give it up for our competitors. Hiro: Is this actually happening, or has my life become a long-running fever dream? Ozma: Should I pinch you to find out? Hiro: I-I'd really rather you didn't, actually! Hiro hurriedly runs to the stool on the opposite side of the table from Wally and sits down. Wally: Oh-ho?! You're my challenger, ehh?! Hiro: He just said you're my-- Wally: WELL I WON'T GO DOWN EASY, Y'HEAR?! Hiro: I do hear you, I'm less than four feet away. There's really no need to yell at-- Wally: I WILL CRUSH YOU WITH MY FINS OF IRON AND MY BUNS OF STEEL! Ozma: Do... do whales HAVE buns? Loyroll: The things that keep me awake at night... Otto: Today's Super Lucky Bonus Challenge is... BINGO!!! Kimyawa: Bingo? That boring game obaa-chan liked? Otto: A game of luck! A thrilling game of chance and challenge! Hiro: There's... literally no challenge, it's blind lu-- Wally: YEEEEEEAH! LET'S ROOOOOCK!!! This minigame is... dumb. I hate to say it but... it is. I even tried abusing this with save states, but the RNG is not player-friendly. You begin by picking one of three 5x5 bingo cards with the Griffohump, Stinky, as your FREE space in the center square. Then Otto reads out numbers and you must, manually, move Hiro's hand in order to place blue tokens on your card. You can do this to also remove them if you place them in the incorrect spot (and you will, as Hiro places the tokens slightly lower than his fingers, aimed more under his palm, which the player cannot see for obvious reasons). Otto also does this SLIGHTLY faster than the player can be expected to keep pace, as Hiro's hand moves very slowly during this bit. The devil of it is that if the card is incorrect in any way (such as having a token in a number not called, or not having a token in a space that was called, even if these have no impact of the result of the game) you lose, EVEN IF YOU GET THE BINGO FIRST!!! Oh my God, this is nothing but a colossal timesink! But, eventually, if you keep trying at it, you will inevitably win or go crazy. One or the other. On the bright side, losing just resets the game and you try again. Otto: WE HAVE A WINNER!!! HIRO!!! Hiro: … Um. I'm glad. So, do I get the bongos no-- Wally: NOOOOOOO WAAAAAAAAY!!! YOU CHEATED! Hiro: How do you propose I did so? Wally: I'LL CRUSH YOU! Hiro: Wait, what?! -Boss Fight!- Wally Whale LP: 12,000 MP: 5000 This battle hits most by surprise, especially as there's random encounters and no save spot in this area, and Hiro is forced into this on a one-on-one here, hence his vastly lowered HP. Wally mostly relies on his single-punch attack which does decent damage, but will sometimes shake it up with his Aquatic Qualer attack, which oddly enough, is coded to hit All Targets, meaning it always deals 75% damage, making it weaker than his punch. Hiro can't use his swirls here, meaning that you'll be just attacking normally. Low level runners typically find this infuriating, however. I guess Jeffcom just hates them. Grinding is love, grinding is life. Using your Rice Pudding form has Wally call you a “Huge Nerd” and bolsters his attack strength by 25%. -Boss Fight!- Wally: NOOOOO-- Wally then explodes. Hiro: … Well, alright then. So, do I get the bongos or not? Otto: Here you go! Hiro gets the key item: Custom Bongos! Hiro: While I'm here anyway, do you know where I could get a ber-- Otto: AND THERE YOU HAVE IT, FOLKS! Let's have a big ol' round of sound for our champion gameshow hero, Hiro! Cue the shaking, pixel fish. Kimyawa: I will be seeing them in my nightmares, no doubt. Hiro: Are we done here? Otto: That's a wrap everyone! Good job! Otto then scurries off-screen. Hiro: Now what do we do? Loyroll: When the path forward is blocked, the logical thing to do is double back to where we were before and see if new doors haven't opened to us in lieu of the closed one. Kimyawa: Onii-chan, you just mean you have no idea so we need to just try every option until something works! Loyroll: Yes, but I said it more eloquently, dear sister. Ho-ho! And this is the part that drove most players insane. You actually DO need to backtrack. … To FirstTown. Yes. Remember some 20-25 hours ago, where the game started? That's where we need to go next. “Haha!” I hear some of you say, “I've been level grinding and now Mancala has the TownStep ability, meaning I can just instantly warp there! Joke's on you!” well, I hate to break it to you, but you can't do that. You haven't slept in FirstTown's inn. You've either had the elder heal you or sleep in Hiro's bed... which the game doesn't register, on account that the inn was destroyed. “W-well, I'll just warp to the nearest town and, uh...” suddenly, you realize the problem as most of the towns we've visited thus far as now piles of rubble. Some of them because of us! … So, better get to walkin', champ. You'll find the nearest town is Toruble, which isn't as awful as walking there from Mermania, but isn't exactly next-door either, as Hiro got sped there via flight. But when we get there at this point, it's actually rebuilt and has an inn and everything! When you arrive, a cutscene cues even! Hiro: Elder! I return triumphant! With my allies in tow, I-- The Elder is speaking to a young boy, with a sword slung over his shoulder. Elder: So, with our previous “last hope” likely dead and buried, we need you, Ladd, to bravely go forth and-- OH! HIRO! The Elder very quickly kicks the boy into the nearest door and stands in front of it. Elder: Ho-ho! Good jokes! Hiro: … Ozma: Oh dear... I think what little ego he managed to grow over this journey just came crashing down... Do you need a hug? Hiro: Yes. All of them. Bring it in here, you guys. Yes, even you, Loyroll. The party briefly encircles Hiro, who jumps a little. The party steps back. Hiro: Okay, that was super sweet, up until someone pinched my butt. Just... if you raise your hand and confess, I won't get mad. Who dun it? Everyone in Hiro's party raises their hand. Hiro: I lied, I'm kind of mad now. Elder: What a... pleasant surprise to see you, Hi-- Hiro: CAN IT, OLD MAN!!! Do you know what I've been THROUGH?! Do you know how many of my fellow Puddings I've had to KILL?! That kid? That CHILD?! You think he can HACK IT?! I'VE SEEN PEOPLE EXPLODE!!! EXPLODE!!! Can you explain that?! I don't think you can!!! Or are you gonna feed me yet another non-answer, like when Emilia tried to explain puberty to me by calling it a “Witch's Curse” that I'd have to shoulder like some kind of monkey's paw wish?! OH! And the PROPERTY DAMAGE! I hope the world has an insurance policy taken out against me, because Lulz knows they FREAKING NEED IT ABOUT NOW!!! Have YOU even seen a town come caving in around you when you were just minding your own business? It's like the gods themselves are saying “Hey, did you get all the items and side quests from this place? Golly, I sure hope so, 'CUZ IT'S FALLING FASTER THAN THE COMMODITY MARKET!!! Oh, and my PUDDING MORPH?! You guys didn't even EXPLAIN IT TO ME CORRECTLY! Oh my G-- where do I even START there?! My Rice Pudding form LOWERS MY STATS?! And I can FUSE with people?! DID SOMEONE THINK TO EXPLAIN THAT PART TO ME?! NO?! CUZ I HAD THE SOUL OF ONE OF MY ANCESTORS ASK ME TO BARTER MY FRIENDS' LIVES TO FIND OUT!!! Just... Lulz damn it, old man!!! Elder: I don't suppose I could bribe you with a sammich? Hiro: Just... stop talking. In fact, don't talk to me. Ever. You're dead to me, old man. Elder: Oh, poop. I guess I shouldn't tell you about the lost treasures of our tribe then... 'cuz, I had them out on a rowboat, and suddenly, this beautiful mermaid comes out of nowhere and I... kind of dropped them. And due to mermaid magic, they all ended up in different bodies of water across the planet. Hiro: [High-pitched, pathetic whine] Elder: Totally not my fault, though! I was keeping them for, y'know, safe-keeping! So, let me make it up to you by teaching you an ancient pudding technique! Hiro: Sigh. Okay, old man, it's not like I have a choice, given I live in your house. What's the technique? Elder: The Pudding Tribe prides itself on their masterful fishing ability! Hiro: Hm. I could lose a few hours of my life doing this... Elder: And some years too! Hiro: Pardon? Elder: We don't use like, sticks or twine or anything stupid like that. We place our arms in the water and flail them about helplessly until something takes a bite! In which case, we pull them out via brute force! And that's how you go fishing! Hiro: … Wh-why is everything our tribe do STUPID?! Elder: My boy, my boy... have you never considered that, maybe, uh, one cow says unto another... um... w-well, maybe it's the nature of our clan in that we... err... w-well, I bet you'd be PERFECTLY HAPPY being one of our Dark Pudding brothers! Shall I get you your own little jackboots so you can stomp all over the little guy's freedom?! Hiro: Oh, Lulz help me... Elder: Oh, and one more thing. Hiro: W-what? Elder: I turned your bedroom into my exercise room! Hiro: But what happened to my comics and action figures?! Elder: Those were all destroyed in the house fire! Hiro: Noooooooooooooo-- ugh-- my life's a joke. Hiro obtained: Crippling Depression! This isn't a special attack or item or anything. It's a status. Hiro is depressed and this lasts a while. It will randomly interrupt normal attacks with “Hiro assumes fetal position and weeps openly about the future of his clan”. Even Ozma's otherwise extremely potent “Qipao BoinBoin” technique won't cure this, nor will Kimyawa's “Fox Massage”. However, this only lasts a set number of battles before he shrugs this off, so it's better to get this as early as possible and get it out of the way. It's just another reason this fetch quest is considered the worst of all of Amazing Quest's. Anyways, now we can sleep in the inn here, making it so we can warp here at-will and sleep at an inn for just 5 gold! This is also the town where the other coffee house has now appeared and the server here is not only a unique sprite, she eventually returned in Amazing Quest's sister series, AQ: Coke Float, Lady L. Lady: Welcome to the new FirstTown Coffee Hut: FarLucks! I'm the hostess, Lady! How can I help you? Loyroll: I'll have an inside-out pudgy brunette frappe with extra caramel machiatto blasse half caf. Hiro: Uh, did you ask for coffee or a girlfriend? Loyroll: Did I or did I not already explain my preferences to you, Hiro? Oh, I can't stay mad at you... Loyroll pinches Hiro's cheek. Hiro: Bleeeeeeh... Kimyawa: Etto... we're looking for a beret, kinda like the one you're wearing! Lady: Oh, I got mine by getting a dream cookie. Kimyawa: Ettoooooooo... Hiro: So, where do we get one of those? Lady: Oh, it's not that simple. You need the dream cookie, and then you go to the birdhouse at the Edge of Tomorrow. Hiro: Are we SURE this isn't a fever dream? Ozma: I already pinched your butt! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! Kimyawa: Demo, Ozma-chan, dane, dane! Yamate! Hiro: … Uh, right-o then. So, this, uh, Dream Cookie... Lady: Right, you get that by going to the World Tree and sleeping in the cocoon of the Grand Empress Butterfly. Simple as that. Hiro: I... where's... that...? Lady: Just head north and keep on walking. Can't miss it. Hiro: Right. Thanks... So, head north and you'll find a handy bridge linking you to a small island that was previously inaccessible. There, you'll find a huge tree and a path formed from criss-crossing roots you can traverse. Some minor insect monsters appear here, but none are too terribly bothersome. Not that Munchkin Moths, Kittypillers, and Were-Ants are all that threatening to start, but eventually, you'll see a massive, silk structure dangling from a branch above. Hiro: O... kay. I guess this is it. Can I get a boost? Ozma and Kimyawa grab and toss Hiro up into it. Hiro: Um... Mancala: So, how is it? Hiro: Warm, I guess? … Kinda damp? Not so wild about that. But I guess I'll catch a quick power nap... The scene goes sepia, where Hiro is sitting in a field with Emilia, having a picnic. Hiro: Wow. I'm spending quality time with my sister and I'm not being violently brained or ridiculed! This is going great! Emilia: Hiro... Hiro... Hiro... Hiro...! Hiro: WHAT?! Hiro snaps awake, blinking a few times. Hiro: Oh, c'mon! That was IT?! I finally get a NICE sepia tone flashback and that's the extent?! Nothing even really happened! The narrator just claimed some stuff happened! Loyroll: That's not important, my friend, did it work? Hiro: Umm...? Hiro reaches atop his head, where a cookie sits. Hiro: Apparently, it did! Hiro got Dream Cookie. He then climbs down from the sack. Insert joke of choice here. But as he does, a shrill sound plays. Hiro: Wait, what was--? A massive, purple butterfly dives down, engaging the party! -Boss Fight!- Empress Butterfly LP: 30000 MP: 7000 The obnoxious part of this fight is that this bitch can spam pretty much every ailment with its [Ailment] Pollen attacks, which it brandishes with abandon. Ozma and Kimyawa are basically not optional for this fight if you want a chance of not getting ailment'd to death. Its means of dealing direct damage are quite limited, sans its “Antenna Wave” which hits everyone for wind based damage. However, using Ozma and Kimyawa's earth-based techs or Ozma's pudding swirl and exploiting its naturally low physical defense is the way to go. -Boss Fight!- Hiro: That was non-sequitor. Loyroll: There's no helping it. Let us return to the cafe for further clues! And... well, do so! There, Lady will fill us in more. Lady: Great! You got the dream cookie! Hiro: Did YOU have to fight a giant bug to get one? Lady: No, why? Hiro: Just asking. Lady: Now, you need to go to the Edge of Tomorrow. Kimyawa: You mean like staying up all night and playing truth or dare and waiting until midnight? Lady: Uh, no, not so much. I'd be lying to say I didn't try that too, but the Edge of Tomorrow is a real place! What happened in Girl Pudding Summer Camp STAYS in Girl Pudding Summer Camp... A-anyway, the Edge of Tomorrow is the deepest portion of the ocean floor: The Marinara Trench! Hiro: Wait, did you get underwater?! Lady: Oh, that part of the ocean isn't underwater. Hiro: WHAT?! Lady: Did I stutter? It's the MARINARA TRENCH. It's not water, it's tomato sauce. Everyone knows that, geez. Did you fail geography? It's consistently ranked in the top 8 deliciously deadly dungeons to die for! Or in. Either or. Mancala: Actually, I'm pretty sure I know where that is. Deima: Wow, you're gonna help and NOT shill us? Mancala: Hey, hey, I can be a very generous spirit when so inclined. Hiro: That and you're probably afraid of Ozma turning you into a flail again. Kimyawa: Mm. Sashimi desu! Mancala: W-well, you can't be too careful! Let's go! So, thankfully, we can actually warp to Mermania for this part rather than walking again. You then need to head south towards a red cave. If you had tried to come here before, you would be warned that you had not taken your heart burn medication and would be turned around. Venturing in now, however, will start ramping up the difficulty a bit with the likes of Meatball Munchkins, Spaghetti Serpents, and Ravioli Ravagers and they do love them the Red ailment among their numbers. The upside is this is the first real opportunity to level in this chapter, as it's the first set of monsters that are scaled to where we oughta be by now and they drop copious amounts of Cooled Hankies, which relieve red in a single target. The problem you'll face is the cracks in the floor which blast up with, uh, sauce and deals damage if you're caught in them. The dungeon is fairly simple otherwise, if a bit long. When you get to the end, you'll encounter a massive cliff, dropping into oblivion. Hiro: So... where's the birdhouse? The screen rumbles as a massive, golden, crispy squid rises from below, a birdhouse perched atop its spear-shaped head. Hiro: Oh. -Boss Fight!- The Great Calamari LP: 40000 MP: 3500 Tentacles (x2) LP: 10000 MP: 0 This deep-fried fishy fiend is a little tricky in that it's multi-bodied. The tentacles try to swat you, and lower accuracy with their base attack, so they have to go first. If they peg you a few times, don't panic, as the accuracy reduction wears off over time. The head itself has good defense against magic and physical attacks, but none of his attacks are too overwhelming, even his strongest move – Marinara Madness – deals only passable damage. If you take out his tentacles first, you shouldn't have too much trouble, but if they decide to be particularly petulant, this fight can drag out. The best thing to remember is that accuracy is reset if Hiro swirl-fuses or un-fuses with party members. -Boss Fight!- Great Calamari: Heroes of Destiny, you have proven your mettle before the Baron Calamari, and I offer you the Birdhouse of your Soul. Do as you see fit. Hiro: Uh. Right. Thanks. Loyroll: That's pretty deep. Deima: About 20,000 leagues, I'd wager. Hiro walks up to the birdhouse and puts the cookie in. After a moment, we hear a “crunch-crunch” sound and out pops a beret! Hiro: There are no words. Hiro obtains: Beret! Now that we have these, we can return to Toneland and finally start the chapter proper. Oh, and by the way, you've finished all these side quests now, right? Just so you know, there's a shop keeper on the far-right-hand side who sells the Beret and Bongos for a price. Just FYI. Maybe now you'll learn to explore under your own power first BEFORE just asking a guide what to do. But I doubt it. At any rate, we can buy some weapon and armor upgrades at long last, usually themed as Musc[Weapon] and ToneDresses, as the shops do not carry armor for the guys. At this point, we need to go up to the castle in the north end of town and the Queen's Assistant, Nagi. Nagi: Oh, thank the gods! Some sucke-- I mean-- some blessed visitors from beyond the sea, here to aid us in our time of crisis! Mancala: Do we really owe these broads anything? They haven't really been super helpful thus far... Ozma: As princess of House Toruble, I cannot overlook a crisis to a nation that might be in need. We need to hear them out. Nagi: You see, the Queen... she has become completely smitten with a Dark Pudding general! And now she aims to just hand over one of ToneLand's sacred treasures! Ozma: It almost feels wrong, though, to interrupt a young love... Hiro: After seeing the kind of work they do, I have a hard time believing that this “love” is anything but one-sided. Nagi: The one with the poor taste in gender is, and I say this begrudgingly, correct. Hiro: I... didn't have a say in what I was born as-- Nagi: STOP TRYING TO MANSPLAIN TO ME!! God, can you man-lings not go 5 minutes without trying to oppress someone?! Hiro: I-- this is not helping my inferiority complex. At all. Ozma: Casual sexism aside, what can we do to stop them? After all, a woman's heart is fickle, but determined. If she has her eyes on someone, telling her she's wrong will only provoke her to pursue it more doggedly. Kimyawa: Maybe we could, uh, “liberate” the treasure first? What even is it? Nagi: Why, the sacred ancient treasure of ToneLand is (wait for it...) the Wind Talisman! Ozma: Gasp! Hiro: Who even sa-- no, wait, did that joke already. Disregard. Nagi: But it'd be better if you took it, frankly. The problem is that only the Royal Family can access the Royal Vault, using the Royal Tattoo! Loyroll: Sounds very royal. Nagi: It is, my strangely-attractive misogynist! Loyroll: Excuse me? Nagi: The Royal Tattoo is branded on the Princess each generation. Mancala: Oh, like, on her hand or arm or something? Nagi: No, on her ass. All: … Kimyawa: Etto... Hiro: Boy, this turned awkward quick. Nagi: However, there is a way! We must... PEEP ON HER IN THE BATH! Hiro: Actually, I have an idea, if I may: if someone has to tattoo the princess each generation, doesn't that mean there's some tattoo artist on this island that already knows the passcode hanging around somewhere? Nagi: You're saying words, but I do not understand, due to your gruff, oppressive speech. Hiro: I give up. Kimyawa: It'll cause a riot if nii-chan-tachi go in directly. We should cause a distraction instead, and allow the boys to peep properly. Hiro: What? I was thinking that Loyroll and I would be the distraction! Loyroll: Indeed, why are you giving us the boring job, dear sister? Kimyawa: It's funnier and adheres to shounen manga tropes better this way! Hiro: Must I? Kimyawa: Also, it's gonna be hilarious when Ozma-onee-chan gets super pissed off! See, nii-chan and I have a bet to see how many bricks she can break in one punch. I'm thinking 20-ish, but he says it's around 15. So if I get her REALLY mad... Hiro: Ulp... So the party splits here. You take control of Hiro and Loyroll for a grand total of 10 seconds, as you go through a side path that Nagi gestures toward. When you do so, the game suddenly swaps to Ozma, Kimyawa, Deima, and Mancala who move to the right-hand side through a door that was locked previously. When you do, prepare for the mindfuck because the “distraction” portion of this plan is them putting on an opera, recreating the love story between the Queen and the Dark Pudding who is, in fact, Jaydea. Yeah, the localized version of the game leaves this tidbit out, but this is a lesbian love affair (as if ToneLand has anything but, but I digress). In the Japanese version, the point is to pick the line that forms a proper, thematic haiku. This... does not translate well at all, as this instead becomes a one-liner-off between Ozma wearing one of the princess' dresses (stretched to capacity), and Kimyawa in an outfit not unlike Jaydea's (equally at its limit), while Mancala and Deima run around the stage, doing the special effects. The song eventually degrades into a rap battle, with Ozma and Kimyawa trying to out-white-girl each other. It is a thing of beauty and at the same time, horrible. Ozma: Ya, mon! Kimyawa: Aww, hell naw! Mancala: We are getting paid for this, right? Ozma: Naw, mon! Mancala: Dammit. Once you have lost 30 minutes of your life re-doing this segment, because let's be honest: no guide can help you here... you then get a timer for Hiro and Loyroll's segment. The better you did (whatever arbitrary criterion the game uses to gauge that) dictates how much time you have to peep. Hiro and Loyroll crawl behind some potted plants and hunker down. Hiro: I feel like I need to be arrested for this. Loyroll: Think about it this way: you could be playing the SuperWorld Urania games. Hiro: Yes, that would make me feel much worse. I suppose given that, I should be grateful. Loyroll: Ah, here she comes now. Prepare your short-term memory, my friend! Here, the game goes into a... very uncomfortable first-person view, sort of like the movie-made-game, Triassic Zoo, and you have to time when you pop from your hiding spot to get a glance at her rear end. You can't actually SEE the code in this format, as this is the limited SNES rendering capacity, it's more like looking at two peaches combat a Mode 7 block of blue. By, uh... humping the bajeezus out of it. The point is, by seeing her butt, you fill a meter at the bottom and when it caps out, you're done with this quest and the SNES's limited online capability automatically registers you to the FBI sex offenders registry as a convenient step! Welcome to 1992! The internet is already here! Hiro: I feel unclean. Loyroll: Ass do I. Hiro: What? Loyroll: I agreed with you. Hiro: You said “ass”. Loyroll: I did no such thing! Hiro: Butt you did! Loyroll: You just spelled “butt” wrong! Hiro: I did not. I derriere say you're trying to-- Loyroll: Derriere? Really now? Hiro: Dammit, I did say that, didn't I? Loyroll: … Let's agree to never speak of this again. Hiro: Agreed. The two depart and the party reunites back in the main floor area, meeting Nagi there. Ozma: So, that was degrading in ways I never knew possible... Mancala: But we're getting rave reviews! Kimyawa: Did nii-chan-tachi get the code?! Loyroll: We did. In order: Green, Blue, and Red. Hiro: Y'know, we probably could've just... guessed that. Nagi: Quickly, while the castle is still distracted. Now is our chance! Nagi then automatically guides you to the vault. There, Hiro enters the code. Hiro: Alright, that should do it. … Why isn't anything happenin-- Suddenly, four suits of armor that line the walls rush out and surround the party. Hiro: What the--?! A trap?! Nagi: A security measure! That must not be the code... wait, I get it! Because it's on her ass, she has to put the code in INSIDE-OUT! Mancala: Of course! It's brilliant! That way, only by getting her head out of her own ass can this plotline go forward! Hiro: What?! Suddenly, guards and the Queen storm in. Queen: How dare you! You were going to try to steal my sacred treasure, my gift to my one and only Jay-bird?! Mancala: You nicknamed her? Really? Queen: Your entire drama troupe is TOTALLY getting a bad review on Telp now!! Hiro: Listen, your highness, it's just that-- Queen: Look, he's totally oppressing me! YOU SEE IT, DON'T YOU?! Deima: Oh gods above, shut your face. Or your ass. I frankly can't see a difference in the two. And believe me, I got a good look at both! You're so self-righteous and full of yourself you can't even see that you're being played for a sucker! Queen: But Jaydea and I are gonna get Mormonly married and then we're gonna have all of the babies!! Deima: I... I'm ignoring that entire sentence for your benefit. But beyond that, if the Dark Puddings get what they want, you won't have the CHANCE! They're going to bring a great and terrible evil into this world! No one will be getting married and living happily ever after if they get the talismans! Be a good little girl and just give it to us nice and easy, or else aunt Deima is gonna have to-- Queen: You old sow! You wouldn't know what it's like to be loved, you furry fossil! Deima: DA FUQ YOU JUST SAY, HO?! Now, at this point in the SNES version, the screen just whites out and implied Deima cast a spell. In the GBA remake, we actually get an amusing cutscene that accompanies this moment, as we fly-on-the-wall over to Jaydea's crew, riding an airship towards ToneLand. Jaydea: ETA? Guard: About 30 minutes to ToneLand, Lady Jaydea! Jaydea: Excellent. I'll have that Wind Talisman in no time at all! Guard: Ma'am! A quick update! Jaydea: What is it? Guard: The palace, it appears to be... A huge, white laser flies by the side window, evaporating birds that were previously flying in the background. Guard: Exploding. Jaydea: … [Sigh]. Okay, guys. Executive decision. Turn around. We're going back. Forward a message to Lord Zoddon to stop by a MockBuster and rent something steamy for this weekend; no one's getting laid tonight. Guard: The one with the, quote, “Hunky German Guys”? Jaydea: That's the ticket. Back to the party, with the vault room now in ruins. The armor suits are laid to waste and the vault door is just gone now. Deima's hair is erratic and unkempt, as the women are running around the room wildly as Hiro and Loyroll stand a safe distance away. Deima has the Queen in a headlock. Deima: SAY IT! SAY IT!!! HOW OLD AM I?! Queen: T-t-twenty-five!!! Deima: DAMN STRAIGHT!! Hiro: Should... we be doing something? Loyroll: I strongly advise against that, friend. And ruin my hair? Not on your life. Kimyawa: Deima-chan! Stop! Onegai! The whole building'll come down! Ozma: Are you crazy?! Stop it already!!! Deima: I'mma kill this ho! She's more pathetic and pandering than Kimyawa! Kimyawa: HEY! I only pander a LITTLE! … A lot. A LOTTLE! At least I'm not some roided-up amazon! Seriously, who's fetish is she trying to appeal to?! Don't tell me you can get abs you grate cheese on just by doing sit-ups and drinking juice! You should get a cute, smooth tummy like mine! Ozma: The HELL you just say?! You can't even get your top in a top! If you wanna talk about fake body parts... Kimyawa: GASP!!! MY OPPAI ARE NATURAL!!! YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!! You bring shame upon Kimyawa's okaa-san! Mancala: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING HALF THE TIME! Are you literate?! Hiro: This is seriously going to Hell. C'mon, Loyroll, let's grab the talisman and just leave. Loyroll: Slight problem with that... Ozma: Where do you two think YOU'RE going?! Stand up for my honor! Hiro: Err... Kimyawa: Onii-chan! SAIKYOU NO SENSHI! Loyroll: Oh dear... Mancala: I'll pay you 30 zenny and three photos of Ozma in the buff if you side with me instead. Deima: Hiro! Be a man! Pick a side! Hiro: WHAT?! Why does this chapter hate me?! The game pull a fast one here by presenting you a five-way prompt, the options being: I side with Ozma I side with Kimyawa I side with Mancala I side with Deima or I have three remaining transformations! But you don't actually get the chance to pick any of these as the prompt is immediately taken away from you. The astute hex editors among you will notice that even if you did try to run the prompt, it'll just cue the next event anyway. The camera pans up a little, above the dust cloud the cat fight erupts into as Ceuri, one of the Heavenly Kings of the Dark Puddings, casually strolls right in and grabs the Wind Talisman from the vault stand. Ceuri: Thanks for the gift! Bye-bye now! Hiro: No! That was one of the Dark Puddings we saw!! Girls! Girls, stop! We have bigger problems to deal with!! Ozma: We sure DO! How do you even stand upright with that frame, you damned coconut tree?! Mancala: Don't talk smack to her, you roid-raging berserker! You have like the second-largest melons in this game!! Kimyawa: Baka! Baka! Jealousy is NOT kawaii! Deima: Hey, all this in-fighting gives me an idea for a new attack! I call this Hissatsu Zenkai Suki!!! Hiro: DEIMA, NO!!! And the entire screen whites out with a violent explosion sound effect. You're then informed that Deima's hilariously over-powered Hissatsu Zenkai Suki attack is unlocked now. The scene fades back in with the party in the castle's traction ward, everyone laid out. Deima: Gela-gela-gela! That was fun! We really needed to get that inter-party tension out! Loyroll: You're insane. You nearly killed us all, y'know... Ozma: But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel rather refreshed after all that. Kimyawa: Hai! Mancala: Now that you mention it... Here, we're informed that the new team-wide attack Girl Power (JP: Lovely Dancing Cherry Blossom Unyielding Death Force) has been unlocked. You can use it when your front line is the four ladies of our party. It deals massive, non-element magic damage to all enemies and runs the risk of inflicting Red on enemies. Hiro: Not my idea of fun. And because we were busy bickering amongst ourselves, they got away with the Wind Talisman! Loyroll: A most un-fabulous turn of events, put mildly. What's the plan? Hiro: This can't be ignored. We'll have to pursue. Nagi walks in from the door. Nagi: We're, uh, awful sorry for the turn of events. Here. Take this. Hiro gets the Dreamcatcher Mirror. Hiro: This is...? Nagi: It allows one to view and to subsequently enter peoples dreams. It is a legendary artifact and treasure of our kingdom and my small way of saying: please, never come here again. You are officially persona au gratin. Hiro: But that means-- Mancala: Shh. Just... let her dream. At this point, there's actually two last areas in this chapter and we can tackle them in basically any order we want. But let's the worse of the two first and get it out of the way. But first, to ease our pain, we can go noodling in a nearby well and find the PDGShld for Hiro. If we travel to the river encircling Toruble, we can also get the PGDArmr for him. There will be more of this later, but it's a tremendous boost in defense and one he can carry to the final boss. Now we need to go to Mermania, go north to the mainland, then head west a ways until we hit the Miner Reservation, Diggould. Around here, though, if you head south through the small forested area, you can find another Pudding Shrine! This one is a little different, in that if you do not have the Pudding Shield, you can't enter here. Inside, Hiro is split from the party by a transparent barrier and meets with a spirit inside. Hiro: Alright. I'm ready for this. Spirit: Welcome, Hiro, Son of Pudding. I am St. Tastius. In order to take your abilities one step further, you must meet my challenge head-on. Are you ready? Hiro: Almost. I have one question first before we do. St. Tastius: Okay. Ask away. Hiro: St. Tastius? Are you serious? More like St. Tasti-less. St. Tastius: You're going to fight a giant emu now. Hiro: Wait, what?

-Boss Fight!- Giant Emu LP: 25,000 MP: 5000 Well, at least he was being honest. Giant Emu is fast and will usually take its turn before Hiro who, as usual, cannot use a Pudding Form worth using and thus must prioritize healing as necessary to ensure the next round is not fatal. The biggest challenge here is that while Giant Emu lacks special attacks, it will sometimes follow up its normal attack with “Pancake Batter”, a follow-up move that deals 80% damage too, meaning Hiro is going to be bleeding LP throughout this battle. Heal often and if you picked up any attack items, now might well be the time to utilize them! -Boss Fight!- Hiro: That was... okay. Well, tell me, what amazing ability fusion has this granted me? St. Tastius: The newest member of your party may now fuse with you to create the Trout Pudding Fused Form. Hiro: Sounds good. What's it do? St. Tastius: It will always deal critical damage to fish-type enemies! Hiro: … And? St. Tastius: What? Hiro: And what else? Fish-type enemies only appear in one area of the game and we've been through there like a dozen times now. What else does it do? St. Tastius: … Hiro: Oh gods, that's it, isn't it? You just used this as a filler dungeon! St. Tastius: Yeah. Sorry. Better luck next time. Hiro: What the hell is Trout-flavored Pudding anyway?! Good grief... Sadly, the description is apt. It will do critical to fish-type enemies, but will not effect other types at all. This pudding power is absolutely worthless. Anyway, now we can go to Diggould proper. Which is a literal hole-in-the-ground. Deima: Ah. Diggould. This is a town filled with miners. “Town” might be a stretch though. “Civilization” is also kinda pushing it. Hiro: What's wrong with this place? Deima: Well, look at it. It's a literal hole. There's not even electricity and A/C! Hiro: But that wasn't even invented until the Industrial Revolution and this is a swords-and-sorcery setting! Deima: Yeah. Sure it is. Cough. Hiro: I really hate it when you guys speak aloud onomatopoeia. Just sayin'... Miner: Howdy, folks. Welcome to Diggould, proud capital of the miners. Deima: Is it REALLY a capital when it's the only city you have to your name? Miner: Sure it is! You could even say... it's a CAPITAL CITY! … Get it? 'Cuz... capital can also mean “good”? Deima: So, as I was saying, I don't like this place... We're then free to explore the holes in the wall that pass as buildings here and even get Loyroll the DigrPNTS to make up for his not getting any armor upgrades recently. Once we explore the room on the right, we see Moore the Miner from before, laying asleep in a bed. Mayor: Oh! Guests! Forgive our poor demeanor. We have quite a pickle on our hands and, seeing as you're here, maybe you could lend us a hand! Hiro: Sure! Deima: [Sigh]. Okay. Mayor: So, our dear Lead Miner, Moore, has fallen into a deep sleep and we can't find means to awaken him! We fear a terrible curse is placed upon him! Hiro: I think we have just the ticket! At this point, the conversation would just very abruptly end if you came here before finishing ToneLand's story line. But as we have the Dreamcatcher Mirror, Hiro insists on butting in. He goes to Moore and holds up the mirror. Hiro: I see... a giant, burning middle finger? No, wait, that's a field. … Lined with skeletons. Kimyawa: Miner-kun was REALLY into heavy metal. Mayor: HEY-YO! Kimyawa: Nani? … Oh. I get it. Heavy. Metal. He's a miner. Mayor: Now you're getting into the spirit of our sophisticated sense of humor. Kimyawa: … Hiro: I see an island and a tower in the north. This is no ordinary dream. It looks as though some terrible force is keeping him locked in his sleep. We may have to use the mirror to enter in and directly intervene. Deima: You better be glad you're at least an 8, or I wouldn't even entertain the notion. Ozma: He's a solid 9, 10 if you get rid of those braids! Kimyawa: Dame desu, the braids are kawaii! Hiro: Hm? Did you three say something? Deima: No, nothing at all. Hiro: Alright. Let's prepare and enter into Moore's Dream! Prepare yourself and check Moore again. Hiro will hand the mirror to a miner NPC, and the team warps in, arriving via a singular bed. Hiro: OH GODS, MY MOST OF ME!!! Why am I on the very bottom?! Ozma: Wow. I didn't know you could even balance so many people on one bed! Kimyawa: Onee-chan! Please to be getting off me now, onegai! Loyroll: What an inconvenient mode of transport. Usually I'd consider the bed a gateway to many wonderful things, but this is not what I had in mind... The party quickly files out and are met by a generic miner sprite. Miner: You have to help! Moore's in trouble! Hiro: Yes. We gathered as much. Miner: His very personality was shattered and scattered across his subconscious mind! Deima: Miner's have personalities? Kimyawa: Deima-chan! Deima: What? You were thinking it too. Miner: This is the settlement of Hartmann, a safe haven. This is once where his entire personality resided, but since the coming of a great evil, they have been sent all across this world. Please, find them and reunite them, so we may form Courage, and fight back! Hiro: Sounds like a plan. Where shall we go from here? Miner: The evil awaits you in Freud's Tower in the north, but without Courage, it remains unassailable. You should go through Jung's Field to the east, and explore Skinner's Hut, and don't forget Bandura's Woods! Hiro: Okay. Let's explore those areas first then. The first area we can go to is Jung's Field... so let's not go there. Instead, hang east a little further to go to Skinner's Hut, a perfectly cubical house. Inside, we see Moore. Moore: Me? I'm not Moore, you fuckstick. I'm Anger! Hiro: I didn't even say anything. Could you dial it back a little? Moore: HELL NO! I'm Anger! Hiro: Oh. Right. So, can you come with us? Moore: You trying to tell me what to do, pretty boy? I'll mess you up so bad... uhh... so bad, that YOU'LL WISH I DIDN'T MESS YOU UP SO BAD! Hiro: Apparently Wit isn't here with Anger. Moore: I WILL CRUSH Y-- Ozma punches Anger in the gut, dropping him like a stone. Ozma: There. We can drop him off in Hartmann when we go there next. Hiro: A little... sudden, but it does work! Got Moore's Anger! Now we can go to Bandura's Woods, where annoying Psyche Munchkins appear, alongside HypnOwls, both of whom can put the party to sleep. This is annoying more than dangerous. If you wheel through the forest a bit, you'll find another Moore within. Moore: A-bloo-bloo-bloooo... Hiro: Um. Are you okay? Moore: I-I'm Sad! Hiro: So I see. Moore: No, I'm Sadness. Like, the emotion. W-without the others, all I can do is hide away and c-cryyy! Abloo-bloo-bloo. Ozma: Hiro, this may require a woman's touch. Ozma goes to Sadness, placing a hand on his shoulder. Moore: A-are you here to tell me that everything's going to be okay and pet me on the head? Ozma: No, it's just your voice is super annoying, so stop crying or I'm gonna deck you. Get in the car, loser, we're finding Courage. Got Moore's Sadness! Now, we can head north to Pavlov's Pavilion. And here's where that insidious international release censorship rears its head in a big way. In the Japanese, the pavilion was a casino, filled with gambling minigames and voluptuous chimera-women who insist they'll sleep with anyone who is up for a “romp” with them. You open the door to the next emotion by gambling enough tokens until you get 250 and paying to access it. In the international versions, however, this place is a technicolor candy land, where penguins, rabbits, puppies, and kittens tell you how much they “wuv” you and give you candy hearts. Once you collect 25 candy hearts, you can ford the Strawberry River and the riverman, amusingly named Branches, ferries you across. Either way, Loyroll will protest the scene, either for being “boring” or for being “too saccharine”, depending on version, and insist he misses killing dinosaurs instead. Either way, the locked door opens and you'll find another emotion. Moore: Ugh. This place is gross. I can't stand it! And YOU! You were frolicking around in there! YOU'RE gross too! Kimyawa: Dame! You act all high and mighty, but you're the one who came here first! If you hate it so, then nandaiyo?! Maybe you're not so “above it all” either! Moore: ugh! You're just spilling out of your top! You're so gross! Have some respect for yourself! Kimyawa: My oppai are proud and bountiful! I represent the abundant harvest of autumn, baka! The emotion YOU need is “PRIDE”! You need to love yourself and surround yourself with those that love you! Then you'll realize you ARE beautiful, and need only live up to your own expectations, as high as you wish to set them! Moore: Ugh. Motivational speeches disgust me. Kimyawa: … [Snap]. Kimyawa grapples Disgust and German suplexes him, unlocking her new attack, uh, German Suplex, a terrifyingly powerful single-target skill that is calculated off her speed stat. Kimyawa: BAKA-BAKA-BAKA!!! Moore: Oooooogh... pretty stars... Got Moore's Disgust! Next, we can head to the small town, Vygotski, in the south where there's a consumable item shop and the next emotion and not much else. Moore: Wow! What a great day! Oh, hi there! I'm Moore's Joy! Deima: The hell're you so chipper about? Moore: What ISN'T there to be chipper about?! I'm in a wonderful town, and some wonderful new visitors are here! This is a chance to make new friends! Hiro: I like this guy. He's as blissfully naive as I once was. Good times... Moore: So, we're friends now, right? Let me accompany you! Hiro: Wow. If everyone in the world was like this, I wouldn't feel perpetually like the world is made of cardboard. And soaked in ethanol. And that the torch was thrust into my hands. Ozma: Hiro? A-are you okay? Hiro: Why, Pudding Elder? Why am I the hero? Emilia's the hero. I'm an accident. I was born because my mom can't hold her liquor. Deima: Oh dear. The weight of reality finally broke him. Kimyawa: Does this mean we have to go into Hiro-nii-chan's head? Loyroll: Let's put a raincheck on that for now, hm? Got Moore's Joy. And now, there will be no more joy, as we have to cross Jung's Field. Ugh. How do I put this... imagine a landmine field with no markers and lots and lots of landmines. The landmines also reset after detonating. And they do this infinitely. And the safe road across is about 2 blocks wide. And the METHOD FOR DOING THIS PUZZLE WAS REMOVED IN THE INTERNATIONAL VERSION! Welcome to Amazing Quest 1's worst dungeon! So, in the Japanese version, there was a yellow face icon that would appear at the bottom of the screen. As you progressed, his eyes would point towards the nearest mine. If you were one step away from a mine, he'd get this psychotic, shit-eating grin, warning you that you were close. You could use this to parse the path without ever taking damage fairly reliably. Why did they remove this? I don't know. Why did Jaydea get drunk on a non-alcoholic drink in AQ2? The world will never know. The sole catharsis to be found here is that at the midway point, we find that yellow-faced smiling jackass and he's the boss of this area. -Boss Fight!- Dost Mine Eyes LP: 35,000 MP: 10,000 Oh, this fight. How do I explain this fight. The short version would just be the words “NOT FUN” repeated about 20,000 times. But to be more exact, DME here not only mocks you throughout with lines like “Are we having fun yet?” and “Take it easy!” as he attacks you. When he says “Look out!” he hurls a series of bombs at you, and like another Jeffcom+DTK series, which shall remain nameless, there is no defense against bombs. They just do craptons of damage. In fact, that's kind of this guy's thing. He doesn't have a means to inflict status ailments, but he has tons of health and his defense is the highest by far that we've yet seen and all his attacks are seriously OP. The one upside is all of his damage is calculated as physical damage, so if you rebalance your defense acKordingly, you can help mitigate the damage dealt. There's a reason this guy became a meme in the fandom for moments of the series that are horrifically imbalanced and not fun. -Boss Fight!- Thankfully, upon his defeat, the mines in the area are cleared out, and we're allowed to move north to the last emotion. Moore: I-I'm not going out there! It's too scary! Loyroll: If you mean the buffoon with the terrifying face, we took care of him already. Moore: The world is too scary! I'm just gonna hide here. I think it's the least-scary place. Loyroll: Boy, listen to me and listen well. Fear will always be with you. It is a phantom that insists on riding astride your shoulder for your entire journey of life. And that's okay. Because the ultimate dance of fates will not be casting fear off, but embracing it as a part of who you are, and mastering it. THAT, in truth, is “courage”! You, as Fear, are not antithetical to bravery, you are, in fact, its very core! Moore: W-wow! Despite being a foppish poof, you make a really good point! Loyroll: I prefer to think of myself as “fabulous”, thank you very much... But you know what I do when I become scared? I freak fear the fuck out!!! Hiro: He's not kidding. That's actually what he does. Moore: Meep! I better get back to Hartmann! I-I think I hear the others calling for me! Got Moore's Fear! With this, we have all of Moore's scattered emotions back at Hartmann! Go back now and you'll see many, many copies of Moore here, including a few not named in the international version. Moore: Thank you all. Thanks to you, we can reunite ourselves and find Courage! Then we'll be able to launch our counterattack on the evil in Freud's Tower! All the Moore pile onto one square as the screen whites out, revealing the completed Moore, Courage. Moore: Alright! At last, I feel ready to go! Hiro: Great! Welcome to the team, Moore! Moore joins the party! … It's just a damn shame his stats are terrible. His physical stats are eclipsed by Ozma, his magic stats are over-shadowed by Deima, and his few skills are weaker versions of Kimyawa's and Loyroll's. His HP is lower than Hiro's and he has only enough MP to launch two casts of any of his abilities! Seriously, JeffCom, are you TRYING to make your fans hate you? At any rate, it's time to visit the unfortunately-shaped Freud's Tower! As the party approaches, they see the tower seems to shift in and out of existence, almost like actually viewing a dream in physical space. Hiro: It... it's growing?! Moore: And it's shaped like a plump helmet! Loyroll: It's really getting huge! Kimyawa: Sugoi... Deima: I've seen better. Enter the tower. The walls shift in and out of visibility here, but retain their solid qualities, meaning that the tiny 1-block-wide paths that you must navigate aren't even in view half the time. This place should be called “Test of Patience Tower”, or perhaps Testy Tower for short. HEY-YO! Obvious jokes aside, you just navigate it until you find an armored man standing in front of some stairs. Man: Ho-ho! You'll not go a step further! Hiro: Did you do this to Moore? Answer, Dark Pudding dog! Man: Dog?! You dare address the great Praetorian Soh as a dog?! Hiro: Oh, geez, not another one of you guys... Soh: The great Heavenly King, Modt, entrusted to me-- wait, did you just say “another”? Hiro: Yeah, there were these other Praetorian guys I ran into earlier... don't really recall their names. Soh: So you are the ones who brutally ended the reign of glory that Praetorian Doh, Rei, Mih, and Faa battled so brilliantly for! My brothers-in-arms! I shall avenge their untimely deaths! Kimyawa: One was a woman! Soh: I was speaking poetically. Now, you shall face the unparalleled might of the Burning Soh! Hiro: What kind of dastardly trick do you have?! Soh: Trick? No. I shall explain my powers in-full, thus that we may fight as honorable men of valor! Kimyawa: And women of valor! Soh: Yes, that too! My power... witness and tremble!! Soh then bursts aflame as he removes his helmet, revealing a chiseled visage and bald, shining head. Soh: Yes! I see you are left speechless by my overwhelming abilities! Many have had that reaction to this unstoppable force before y-- Hiro: So, that's it? You ignite yourself? Soh: I... um... well, yes. It's a very powerful attack. Deima: Actually, we've fought fire-themed monsters before now. Hiro: Didn't that one guy have the power to harden his body like armor? Now that was a power to respect. Ozma: I'll say. Or the guy who summoned lightning. I liked that one, myself. Kimyawa: Jiji-chan, is that why you don't have hair anymore? Did you singe it all off?! Soh: What?! No! I-I have eyebrows! See? And do you have any idea how long it takes to learn to not only set yourself on fire, but not hurt yourself doing so?! A long time, that's what! Loyroll: So, when you shower, does it just become steam? Is every bath a steam bath? Soh: No! That's not how this works!!! Oh, gods, this is not going like I imagined it would... Mancala: Oh, I got one! He must be a... hot commodity! Ooooooh! Soh: That tears it. You're all dead. -Boss Fight!- Praetorian Soh LP: 45,000 MP: 5000 So, Soh is just a so-so battle, so there's really nothing in particular so great about Soh. He can use different fire spells and cause damage over time with burns, but if you got some aloe vera in ToneLand, that's a non-issue. Plus Mancala's water-based abilities and Ozma's ability to debuff defense works as a great two-fer in this battle. Hiro may ultimately play more a support role this time around! So, Soh realizes you reap what you sow! -Boss Fight!- Soh: My brothers... and sister... I'm sorry. I... I have failed you. There remains but two who may reclaim our honor now. The joke's on you, foolish Light Puddings... there is no way out of this maze. You'll wander its halls alongside my spirit for all of eternity... Deima: For a bunch of cowards who chose to pick on people who live in literal holes in the dirt, they retain a high degree of pride. Mancala: Yes, but why? He said this was a direct order from Modt, so there must've been a strategic gain in doing so. We need to investigate further! Hiro: Hey, guys, if we go up the stairs here, we can get out! Loyroll: Seems he was mistaken in telling us there was no means out. What a pointless interlude. The party returns to Moore's room, no worse for wear. Moore: I had... a long, strange dream. Deima: Believe us, we know. We saw it. Kimyawa: We saw everything. Moore: Um. S-so, obviously, the only way to repay you is to join you on your quest! As a miner, I can open holes in select places on the map! Hiro: That sounds selectively useful. Welcome to the team, Moore! Again? Moore: A-are you going to put me on the bench again? Hiro: Yeah, probably, if we're just being honest here. Moore: It's okay. I'm kind of a booty guy myself. Kimyawa: Baka hentai!!! Stare at your own risk!!! We then depart and head hard south for a while. Eventually, it starts snowing as we enter a small hamlet named Heat. Deima: Haha! These people have a great sense of irony! Hiro: I dunno. I've never heard of people bagging on their own town when they named it. Something seems out of place. Old Man: You got that right, sonny boy! This is one of the toastiest tropical paradises on Earth, but since that dastard Modt moved into the Weather Station, we've been in a deep freeze! Hiro: Does... this town only exist to solidify Modt as a proper villain? Old Man: pardon? Hiro: I mean... the first heavenly king was about to bring a countryside to its knees with his mad science chemistry set. But now that we're here, Modt's rap sheet kind of has the sum total of “mild inconveniencing a single guy in a single town”. Moore: Hey... Hiro: Just thinking out loud here. Ozma: Even so, we can't let his reign of... mild inconvenience stand. We should go to the Weather Station and sort this mess out. So, head to the Weather Station. It's on top of the hill, to the south-east. You can access it by going south, then heading north up the slope. The Weather Station is a large, white tower, because that's a unique motif in this franchise. Inside are mazes that try to differentiate themselves from the Freud Tower and fail. Each of them has a different weather motif, like rain, clouds (which has a very nice reflective motif, as the floor is lightly coated in water), and ice sliding puzzles. The problem is that these motifs don't actually add very much and these concepts were done far more interestingly in the Cognami “Our UV Radiation!” series of GBA games. At the top floor, Modt awaits us, floating menacingly in front of a machine not dissimilar to the one we saw in the quake control room. Hiro: Give it up, Modt, you're surrounded and trapped with no where to go. Give up peacefully and face justice for your crimes or we'll resort to violence. Deima: Which would be faster. And... y'know... a lot more fun. Modt: Oh-ho, threatening me, are we? Well, little do you know my true power is drawing things from MY dream world into this reality! Ozma: What does that amount to? Modt: Uh. Hot girls, mostly. Moore: Mm... Moore nods sagely here. Modt: Okay, that's not going to fly here. Very well! I'll try a DIFFERENT TACTIC! Hiro: Say what now? Modt rears back and slams into Hiro, knocking him flat. Ozma: Hiro?! Deima: Dammit, that little rat! He was ready for this! Grab that damnable mirror and let's get after him!! Loyroll flashes the mirror, which fires a laser beam, blackening Hiro's face comedically. Loyroll: Oops. Sorry. Two legendary mirrors and all. Got 'em confused. Loyroll flashes the other mirror, which causes the screen to white out again as they enter... a recolored, slightly-rearranged version of Moore's subcon island... God, I hate this stretch of the game. There's only two landmarks, though, a town where you can rest and buy items, all stationed by copies of Hiro. To the north is... ugh... another white tower where Modt awaits us. Have I mentioned that I hate this stretch of the game? Cuz I do. Anyways, the Tower of Doubt tries some unique maze shenanigans, like spinning the camera randomly (useless as your party remains pointed in the same direction anyway), and teleport maze (which isn't complicated at all) and some other things. What's actually interesting here is that, in various rooms, we see shadows of Hiro and other characters speaking. In the entryway we get: Ozma: Wh-what's that? Shadow Hiro: I'm not the savior of our tribe. I couldn't even save my sister or my hometown from the Dark Puddings. People died because I was weak. Kimyawa: Hiro-ni-chan... Then, in the stairwell: Shadow Hiro: Towns are falling in around me. I can't stop this senseless destruction. Why... why can I not stop them?! Deima: I see... this is the manifestation of Hiro's inner demons. Naturally, Modt would come here to find weaknesses. Ozma: … On the second floor's largest room: Shadow Emilia: You mustn't give up! We can save them! Shadow Hiro: I can't! You know that already, Emilia, so why? Do you just like hitting me that much?! Shadow Emilia: … Well, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a little schadenfreude involved... Shadow Hiro: Just stop it. You're the savior of our tribe. I'm... just a mistake. Shadow Hiro walks away, throwing down a wooden, training sword. Loyroll: Seems our fearless leader is quite the basket case. Kimyawa: He's tearing himself apart... Here, we pick up the key item, Memory of Emilia, from the training sword. At the stairwell to the third floor: Ozma: Is that... me? Deima: More likely, it's the way he views you... Shadow Ozma: I have the weight of a kingdom riding on me... so I must be strong enough to shoulder this burden. Shadow Hiro: If I let her down... then I'm letting down an entire kingdom again...! I can't... I'm not strong enough...!!! Damn it!!! Shadow Hiro falls to his knees. Shadow Ozma fades away, leaving a round object on the floor. Shadow Hiro: Ozma, I'm sorry... Ozma: … Sniff, hic... Hiro, don't apologize... From the round object, you get Memory of Ozma. At the T-intersection on the third floor: Kimyawa: Onii-chan, it's us! Loyroll: This will give us fascinating insight to our relationship. Shadow Kimyawa: Hallo, alter brueder! Ich bin die fraulein mit die grosse brueste! Shadow Loyroll: FAAAAAABULOOOOOUS!!! Loyroll: I feel like I should be offended here, but he did use my favorite word so... Kimyawa: Etto... Shadow Kimywa: I'm never going to give up! I'll remain perky and ready 'til the very end! Shadow Loyroll: The pride of my tribe spurs me on to greater heights! But if you want my best weapons, you'd best pony up... Shadow Hiro: How... you guys are always together, and you never stop trying... but when the chips were down, I couldn't do anything to save my own sister... Loyroll: Ah, Hiro, always making mountains of molehills. Deima: Tee-hee. She said “perky”. And you said “mountains”. Kimyawa: He thinks so highly of us but so lowly of himself... poor Hiro-nii-chan. The two shadows leave behind twin blades, which are Memories of Loyroll and Memories of Kimyawa. At the stairwell to the fourth floor, a shadow of Deima, holding a fish bowl in her hands is there. Deima: Ah, the interesting part! Shadow Deima: I, mighty sorceress and ally of the Pudding tribe, shall aid you for now, unworthy successor. Deima: ! I... never said anything of the sort!!! Is that how little you think of me, boy?! Shadow Fish: HOLLA HOLLA GET DOLLA!!! Mancala: Wait, is that supposed to be me?! That son of a bitch!!! The Shadows of Deima and Mancala leave behind twin rods, which you collect as Memories of Deima and Memories of Fish. That's not a mistranslation, that's the actual item name. With these, we can go to the fourth final floor, which is comprised of two rooms. The first has the last shadow scene. Shadow Hiro: My friends depend so much on me, but I'm just a failure. In the end, I'll just let everyone down again. From the day I was born, no one minded me because Emilia was the destined, chosen pudding hero. Surrounded by people at all times, I have never felt so utterly alone. Ozma: I can't believe he's felt this way the whole time and never told us. Loyroll: Perhaps it was merely that I'm the only one who actually pays attention around here, but he was being pretty obvious about his feelings from the start. Maybe you were just hearing what you wanted to hear. Deima: … Tch. Kimyawa: I-I think that's him up ahead! Mancala: Is Modt already there?! Don't tell me we're too late! I really need to smack him one!!! Ozma: Hiro or Modt? Mancala: Yes. The party proceeds forward after collecting “Memories of Self” and finds Modt and Hiro. Modt is openly weeping and Hiro is talking. Hiro: And that's when I realize that no matter how hard I try, I'll still end up dying scared, tired, and alone – as I lived, unloved and hopeless! Modt: OH GODS ABOVE MAKE THIS GUY STOP TALKING ALREADY!! Ozma: Hiro! We're here to, um... save you? Mancala: Actually, it looks like Modt is about ready to concede. Modt: Oh, thank goodness, you're here! Can you shut this guy up?! Hiro: But, I mean, I figured you were in my head anyway. I figured I'd go ahead and make my internal monologue external! Feels good to get it off my chest! Modt: Oh, to hell with it. I'll just summon your worst fears and crush you all! Some very strange creatures begin raining in from above. Hiro assumes the fetal position here as his eyes bug out. Modt: Wait... what are those things?! Hiro: Oh gods, no! Spiders with baboon heads!! Modt: … what?! Hiro: Emilia told me about them when I was little! They build nests on your roof and slowly inch their way down at night. They steal little kids and take them away to live in jungles and eat spider-bananas! But every time I try to climb I tree, I fall out and hurt myself! I could never survive in that kind of judgmental culture!!! Modt: What?! What is wrong with you?! Why is everything wrong with you?! Ozma: Hiro, it's okay. Hiro: Huh? Ozma: Hiro... come here. Ozma kneels and hugs Hiro. Hiro: … Um. Ozma: Everyone has fears and doubts. And none of us stand alone. We all have our quirks and eccentricities. Some of us are even Loyroll. Loyroll: Heh! Jealousy is unbecoming of you, princess! Ozma: But that's okay. Because we love you not despite your weaknesses, but in part, because of them. Mancala: Except me. I'm still pretty sore. Ozma: These memories are themselves, sacred treasures, and so is our friendship. Stop exalting us by condemning yourself. When you hurt, we hurt. Mancala: Again, except me. Ozma: Stand up, Hiro. Hiro and Ozma rise. Ozma: 'cuz it's time to KICK SOME ASS!!! Modt: Oh, dammit!!! -Boss Fight!- Heavenly King Modt LP: 50,000 MP: 25,000 Here, Hiro will automatically replace anyone you had in the first party slot, so be mindful of your alignment as you enter. As an interesting note, this battle does not actually play the Heavenly Kings' shared theme song: Steel Gauntlet. It actually play's Hiro's theme song: Blade that Shapes the Stars, which was remixed in later games into the better-known version: King of Pudding. Modt is by far the weakest and least-interesting of the Heavenly Kings, befitting his role in the story. He tries to inflict ennui on the party to try to control their movement, but it seems to have a low rate of success for some reason. Your best bet is to use Kimyawa and Loyroll's dual tech, if they're a high enough level to have it, the Double Downward Dog, which deals high light-based damage which Modt has no base resistance towards. I typically use the Chocolate-Raspberry Swirl, and use Hiro and Ozma's combined raw strength, due to a hidden, unexplained gimmick Modt has, as his elemental resistances go up when hit by magic and down when hit by physical damage. However, this is done by a very slight multiplier value, and as his light resist is 0, it will never change. He has no attacks that are major threats to a party that hasn't been running from every other fight. -Boss Fight!- Modt: God... damn... it! Seriously. This is how I die? In the head of some manic-depressive douchebag with an inferiority complex?! This sucks!!! Modt then explodes, violently hurling the party from Hiro's mind, causing them to re-appear in the Weather Station and Hiro to bolt upright. Hiro: EVEN IN MY HEAD?! Loyroll: Are you still on about that? Hiro: Yeah, but, in my HEAD?! Deima: I just checked the console. This looks like it's where the Wind Talisman was stored before it ended up in ToneLand. The damage was reversible and so, I think Heat should be thawed out now. Hiro: Everyone... thank you. I owe you a lot. Mancala: Yes you do. Hiro: Yes. Even you, Mancala. Mancala: Seriously. “Holla, holla, get dolla”? Hiro: In my defense, you did shill me as soon as you met me. Hiro gained: Confidence! Here, the memory items break down and become stat ups which make Hiro's pudding swirl forms even stronger! We now can use the exit warp. When we do, we end up in Heat's town square, which has indeed thawed and now is a tropical paradise! Hiro: Oh, thank goodness. Last time I tried to use one of those, it blew up! The people in town thank you profusely, and if you go noodling in the stream here, you'll obtain the PDNGCape accessory, rounding out Hiro's defenses. Now, we can travel through the waterfall in the south to move through to a new town, Warudo, only to see the inhabitants apparently walk backwards here. Trying to speak to them is useless as everything they say is written backwards. There's only one NPC we can speak to who won't just say “B+TCELES SSERP”. NPC: I returned from a hunting trip a few days ago and everyone is like this now. Talking to them is useless, they don't even seem to see us. Deima: There's powerful magic at work here. They're moving backwards through time, but also in a fixed loop. The only way to free them would be to destroy the source of the spell that put them in this condition in the first place. NPC: Oh, the only magically-aligned place around here would be the Clock Tower. Hiro: Is it a large, white, nondescript tower on a hill? NPC: Yes, why? Hiro: No reason. Loyroll: The Clock Tower, hm? Let's investigate. As there's no items to steal here, we move on to the east to yet another tower because good game design. The tower's primary gimmick are large clock buttons on the floor which run time forward or backward as you stand there. This will cause walls and other obstacles to be built, collapse, or change and you need to seek out the most effective means through by moving the dungeon forward or backward in time. Though, JeffCom apparently got tired of this motif after a while, as the dungeon actually only runs three floors before you reach the top. There, Ceuri awaits us. Ceuri: You! How did you escape my time loop?! Hiro: Uh. We were no where near it when you cast it. And you should know that for a fact, as you saw us in ToneLand when you stole the Wind Talisman. Ceuri: Uh. Um. Yes. Well, details! No one else in Warudo was spared! Kimyawa: Actually, there was one guy. Ceuri: Oh, son of a bitch, how many other people manage to conveniently avoid my spell, then?! Moore: Well, you missed my entire village AND the entire next village over. Ceuri: Yes, well, Modt called dibs and-- Modt's dead now, isn't he? Ozma: Do we even need to clarify that? Ceuri: … Ugh. It's hard to be the only competent person standing. Fine! Whatever. Let me just check in on what the hell's happening... A viewing portal opens in the middle of the room, showing the generic NPC from before. Ceuri: GASP! Hiro: Not you too! Ceuri: It's... it's Bob! Hiro: Who? Ceuri: My only friend from my childhood! Mancala: Oh no, we're going this direction, aren't we? Ceuri: My lady-feels demand I now RIP THE HELL OUT OF SPACE/TIME!!! Hiro: Oh boy... The party is sucked into the rift and very violently deposited out into an open field. Or, rather, Hiro is deposited here alone. In a very long stretch way from Warudo. Also, every single enemy here knows instant-death abilities. Because good game design! So, once you get into one random encounter and party wiped, you'll warp to the save point in Warudo at the low, low cost of half your currencies! I'm so glad chapter 6 is almost done. When you reunite with the others, they begin talking. Bob: Oh, looks like it's Ceuri causing this chaos. Sorry 'bout that. Yeah, she's always been a handful. Hiro: How did she even do this? Isn't that the talisman of wind? Not SPACE/TIME?! Bob: She's a chimera, you see, so she has, like, magic. Hiro: … Magic. Just... magic sufficient to rip time? Bob: Yup. Hiro massages his temples. Bob: Maybe I should go talk to her. Maybe we can convince her to stop this of her own volition. Hiro: Yeah, that's worked well so far. Let's go with his plan. Kimyawa: Not like we had anything better than that... Hiro: I'm being sarcastic. This plan is terrible. Bob: A'ight. Let's go. Hiro: Ugh. So, we traverse the Clock Tower again, doing the same puzzles again. Bob: Ceuri! Ceuri: Bob! Bob: Ceuri, could you... maybe stop? Ceuri: Hm. I mean, I could do that. Hiro: Really? Ceuri: No. Hiro: Figures. Bob: Pretty please? Ceuri: I have my thumb on their very pulses! I could advance their aging instantly and kill them all! Would you want that? Mancala: Shit, this escalated quickly. Loyroll: Wouldn't that also speed up them having marriages and children and just usher in a very fast-growing next generation? Ceuri: No, because reasons. Loyroll: But no matter the speed, wouldn't they still just experience it at what they perceive to be the “normal” pace because everyone else around them is too? Ceuri: I SAID NO! Loyroll: Just trying to help you out... Ceuri: That's it, my lady-feels demand RETRIBUTION! Bob: But our happy childhood that we'll never show the players-- Ceuri: I said NO, God damn it! Bob: Well, 'k. -Boss Fight!- Chimera Ceuri LP: Doesn't matter MP: Ditto This isn't a real boss fight. It just goes on a set number of turns as Ceuri turns into a big ol' gargoyle thing with huge clawed hands and wings. Just block for a few turns and this will end itself. -Boss Fight!- Ceuri: That's it, if you don't GTFO, those people are dust! Mancala: … It's too much. We gotta fall back for now. Deima: Holy crap, the tension is so high that even Mancala has developed a conscience! The party flees, or tries too, but gets put in another time warp, dropping them outside the tower again. The door is locked with the ominous phrase “Ceuri has made this door as closed as her mind is”. At this point, we fall back to town. Bob: This is pro'lly my fault for reasons I won't ever expound upon. Hiro: This would be a lot easier if you could explain your childhood friendship, you know. Bob: I know. But I'm not gonna. But the humans here didn't like her, because she was a chimera. Deima: Wait, is this franchise really going to a “xenophobia is bad” message here? Bob: Yup. Why? Deima: Oh. No reason. Bob: So, they threw her out. But I was friends with her. Somehow. Don't really care to explain any more. Kimyawa: Ah! Maybe a token of friendship from her past! Bob: Maybe Fruit. Hiro: Like a fruit basket? Bob: No, moron. Fruit. The specific one Fruit that's always capitalized. Hiro: So... not an apple or an orange. Just... Fruit. Bob: That's right. Grows on a tree south of here. Hiro: Well okay then... So now, you venture south to the peninsula, where you'll find a Fruit tree. Have Ozma punch it to obtain a Fruit. Now we can return to Clock Tower with Bob. Ceuri: That smell... could that be... Fruit?! Hiro: So she knows what it too? And by scent, apparently. So now we're informed that Ceuri's heart and the door lock have melted and we can go back in for the third time to face her at the top floor. Ceuri: I hurt Bob badly. He won't forgive me. Bob: I'm right here. Ceuri: I'm so tired of being evil. I'd rather be the stock cliché about the one female villain suddenly having a change of heart while her male compatriots are evil, soulless monsters. Hiro: Kinda makes me wonder why we're even here then. Ceuri: Here, take the Wind Talisman. Hiro: I... for serious? Wow. I, uh... I'm not used to things going my way. Or people listening to reason. Thanks! You got: Wind Talisman! Ceuri: Bob, can you ever forgive me? Bob: I've been thinkin'... lot of fish in the sea. … Bye. Bob walks out. As he does, Kord drives on screen. Kord: Heya! I've been talked about a lot, so I thought I'd stop by and-- oh, hey, I think I walked in on something... you guys okay? How's everyone doing? Hiro: Uhh. We're... we're good. Kord: Good! Glad to hear it. But, see, I haven't really done much of anything, except summon the Grim Reaper! And good job on beating him, by the way! Oh, Ceuri? Ceuri: Yeah? Kord: Here, I need to give you this. Ceuri: What's this? Kord: A pink slip. And this. Ceuri: I'm fired?! And what's THIS?! Kord: Notification to your next of kin. See, Jaydea doesn't take bad news very well. So... you kind of screwed the pooch in a big way. Deima: If no one minds, we're just gonna exist stage left. Kord: Oh, yeah, don't mind us! Just ironing out some internal politics! Hiro: But-- Deima: No buts. Go, go! The party arrives outside, and the entire freaking Clock Tower up and disappears. Hiro: … What was the point of this chapter? Deima: To remind everyone playing that this is a JeffCom game. C'mon, we only have two talismans remaining. The party moves off-screen. A moment after, Kord walks out of the crater where the Clock Tower used to be. Kord: Y'know, that was rude. Trying to erase me from space and time. That'd have been dangerous if it had been... y'know... actually dangerous. Stupid bint.

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