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ibringyouasong89 · 3 years

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Self-Awareness Time, Part One:

So I’m reading this article one day, (see article here: https://psych2go.net/6-signs-youll-be-single-forever/), and realize how some of this is true, but also some of it is bullshit. Spoiler Alert: I haven’t had a boyfriend since I was 18. Is it because I haven’t wanted to be with someone, or be in a relationship, since that one ended? Quite the contrary, actually. I have dreamed, since I was a small child, of a perfect soulmate for me, and that it would be a Disney-movie-ending come true for the rest of my life. Having my first (and since then, only) boyfriend break up with me (so he could go out with my ex-best friend, who in turn, dumped her boyfriend of three years - who was my childhood friend from elementary school - in order to be with him; it was dramatic, stupid, and messy, i.e. we were teenagers who thought they knew themselves but didn’t have a clue) did not, in fact, deter those dreams at all. The problem is that I didn’t learn to love myself. I learned to move on, which is always wonderful, but I didn’t hold myself in any higher esteem than I had before, and while I was with him. It wasn’t a reflection on being with him, but more or less, a reflection of myself and how I saw myself, based on my childhood and certain experiences. Fast forward a couple of years later: my parents are divorced, my father is dead, my childhood friends have disappeared out of my life for the most part, I live with my mother and grandfather (who was close to dying himself), and I am now living in a different state, faraway from everything I know and love and hate everything about this new place. I hated (and still do, for many of these points) the polluted environment, I hated the lack of nature (I moved to a metropolitan-region within the realm of a major city), I hated how crowded it is, I hated how everyone lives on top of one another; I hate the noise, the traffic, and most of all, I hated how alien and out of place I feel. I knew I didn’t belong, but because of finances, and having an ineffective bachelor’s degree (that didn’t come with a lifetime guarantee of having a career, as promised by my parents and elder generations. Though it did come with the nice guarantee of student loans), I was unable to move anywhere else. I was unable to be independent, financially or otherwise, and could do nothing to make my dreams a reality or to improve my life. In short, I was stuck. And hating every minute of it, along with myself. To be fair, I wasn’t an emotionally healthy person to start off with - but I mean, who is by the time they’re 23, 24 years old, and a culminating reflection of time, pressure, past abuse, parental issues, trust issues, abandonment issues, lack of socializing/being ostracized for being different, and self-worth and self-love issues? No one, and I mean, NO ONE, is taught how to love themselves, completely, as a child. I don’t care who raised you or where you grew up. This is a fundamental truth and fact. But I met someone. Lo and behold, there came this divine gift, one day, of someone who was just like me! He didn’t have the same issues as I, but he understood in a general sense (as any individual who has a certain degree of sympathy and empathy can do), and made me feel seen (even if I hated it at times). Someone who, in all honesty, has fundamentally changed me forever. And to think I met him at my job! (i.e. retail). This person...well, I thought he might’ve been THE ONE. I was really, REALLY in love with him. More so than I ever thought I could be with someone. Our connection was real and based on emotional, mental, and spiritual intimacy (there was none of the physical, which was probably for the best, in the end), and I had never loved anybody before, in the entire history of being connected to family and friends, the way I had loved him. I thought he was truly something special - a gift from the universe that not only allowed to experience this once-in-a-lifetime kind of love, but also because of how OBVIOUS it was that we were meant for each other. (I was so arrogant back then and admit it heartily now). Well, suffice to say, it didn’t end in rainbows-and-sunshine-for-years-to-come. He had already been entering a relationship when I met him, while also having his heart broken by another girl. As the saying goes: wrong place and time. While I was busy pining over him and fantasizing about us being together romantically (after building this incredible connection and deep friendship), he was happily living his life and enjoying his relationship...even though, for a time, he went out of his way to spend time with me and deepen our emotional intimacy further. He told me things about himself, and his life, that he swore he had never told another human being before in his life. But it all came to a grinding halt one day - out of the blue - when he severed our connection with all of the swiftness and severity of a well-placed swing from a sharpened blade. Later he would confess that it wasn’t intentional - it was because he was busy cutting other people out of his life and I got caught up in the “crossfires” of it all via social media and the like *insert eyeroll here* - but that he had also been conscious of my burgeoning feelings for him, and felt “flattered” that I had come to regard him so greatly. He promised to re-open the lines of communication between us again and to be a better friend. Spoiler Alert Part Two: None of these promises were fulfilled. Now, some of you (or whoever reads this long-ass personal post) might say “Well, maybe in knowing about your feelings, THAT was why he didn’t bother talking to you anymore. It made him uncomfortable, especially since he was in a relationship with someone else. He just wanted to make a clean break.” To be completely honest, I was aware of that possibility from the get-go. The problem is that he claimed (during this period of seeking me out and spending quality time with me) his relationship with his girlfriend was “casual.” That he was more than aware that he was her first boyfriend, but that he knew it wouldn’t last. In knowing that, he still pursued a relationship with that girl (though his self-prophecy did come to pass...three years later). Now, there were never any promises made about entering a relationship with ME, as some of you may point out as well. I agree. There are, and never will be, any guarantees when it comes to the heart. Someone who learns to love another is quite capable of also learning how to un-love that same individual, at any time. And hatred, as many know, is not the opposite of love; apathy is its true counterpart.

No, what was truly hurtful was that he knew that truth, honesty, compassion, consideration, and genuineness were core values of mine. Values that I thought he shared...but turned out to be lies when he revealed his regard, or lack-there-of, for me in the end. When he did not confront me over my feelings for him and instead played ignorant for the sake of his own happiness. When he promised that this did not interfere with his ability to be my friend, even after confessing said romantic intentions to him, and probably lying about it all the same. He knew of my past, my issues, and had probably guessed at my level of loneliness and knew about my lack of friends since moving away from my hometown...and didn’t think twice of ditching me, nor of how his sudden “ignorance” about our bond would effect my feelings. That being “one of the guys” was my true status - despite the fact that I have breasts, a vagina, lack a penis, and had never acted in a “masculine way” around him (aside from being intelligent, having common sense, being interested in comic books, music, and movies, having a deep appreciation for classic muscle cars, and a biting sense of sarcasm); i.e. no hanging out in bars with him and his male friends, no doing stupid shit for giggles, no running around in the middle of the night to each other’s houses to smoke pot and drink in the basement, not being into sports and wrestling, recalling the same stupid stories from high school and retelling them, over and over again, along with the same stupid jokes, etc...And I’m not judging any female (or person) who does DO this, or enjoy these things! I’m just simply describing how he, and his friends, acted and what their similar interests are. I was “friend-zoned” (which is a ridiculous phrase, but I can’t think of anything else to describe it as), but was NOT treated like a friend any longer. I was treated like a stranger or an acquaintance that you remember vaguely seeing in the hallways and cafeteria when you attend your high school reunion (that guy who makes you go “Oh, *Insert Name Here*! Omg! How are you?! Wow, it’s been a while! Great to see you lost all that weight! So uh...how’s things?”). In short: I was being gas-lit. For anyone who has experienced this, you have my deepest sympathies and my ear and shoulder, whenever you would like. Of course part of the blame falls on me too: for treating romantic love like a drug I couldn’t live without, for depending on someone too much for my happiness, and for allowing myself to be treated as someone who is less than worthy of real love, respect, consideration, kindness, compassion, and honest, open communication.

So, not only did this guy break my heart, but he also threw me, and our friendship, away like it all meant nothing. It became obvious then that I, and our bond, had never mattered to him at all. The worst part is that he continued to flirt with me, stringing me along (unknowingly or not), while also maintaining this enforced distance! (Which is also COMPLETELY WRONG TO DO TO ANYONE!) In truth, I think he’s an unaware narcissist who doesn’t realize, on an unconscious level, how manipulative he can really be. It’s sad. But I know, without wishing for it or egging the universe on, that there is a lesson waiting for him in the wings of the cosmos that will enable him to truly understand the lows, and highs, of true personal awareness (if it should come to pass - anything is possible, in any way, shape, or form). But back to the point: In conclusion, my soul was shattered. My heart was a destroyed. I fell into a depression based, not only on this heartbreak, but also my heart being broken by ME. I was so unhappy with everything going on, and not, in my life and it all felt so hopeless and pointless. I could see no path forward, no future for myself, that didn’t result either in me being unhappy or being unstuck. (Hell, even writing about all of this is allowing the phantom pains to rise from their graves in my heart, which makes me realize how much healing, and self-love, I still have to gain). This, however, was the beginning of my awakening for me.

It dawned on me like the rising sun within me that I really SHOULDN’T put stock into having people depended upon so much to MAKE me happy. I should be making MYSELF happy. But then the deepest question, out of the pit of darkness within my soul, arose: Why WASN’T I happy with myself?

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narukoibito · 4 years

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Hello, Would you mind telling us How and When you started to like/ fall for Hinny? And Why? What is the thing that made you like them? Were you in the fandom before 6th book? Did you ship Hinny before HBP? I just love them and curious how others fall for this beautiful couple. I am asking this to all my favorite Hinny writers. I really want to thank you, people, for writing them so wonderfully and for gifting us your amazing works. ❤❤

Wow, thank you so much for your kind words. A few months ago, I hadn’t touched Harry Potter fanfiction or creative writing for years, and it is mind-boggling and extremely humbling to be included in your amazing list. It means so much that someone reads and likes the words I string together for this amazing couple. ❤️

My Harry/Ginny Shipping Book Journey

I started shipping (pining for, really) the two of them starting in CoS. Ginny in CoS is just everything - putting her elbow in the butter dish, blushing furiously, unable to talk around Harry. And then Harry is so kind and has such a soft spot for her. He reacts differently to Colin and other Boy-Who-Lived fans. And he’s attentive to her distress despite all the rumors of him being the Heir of Slytherin, never once blames her for her crush or the diary, and saves her from the chamber. Which by the way, he says when she may be dead, it’s the worst day of his life. Oh Harry!

I also knew from CoS that Ron and Hermione were endgame. Ron was so affected by her being petrified, much more than Harry. Harry also really struggled whenever he was with Hermione without Ron, and it seemed really obvious to me they would not work romantically.

There was always something about Ginny and how she would stand out in Harry’s POV even before HBP, their secret laughs, her being affected by the dementors, her missing the chance to go to the ball with him, that always kept me hoping that Harry would turn around and see what was right under his oblivious nose.

Then in Ootp, I could just feel in my bones that Harry and Ginny were going to happen. All this new attention to Ginny, her “getting over” Harry, talking around him, dating Michael, putting him in his place (lucky you), the chocolate in the library scene, fighting Umbridge and at the DoM - but the biggest clue to me was the scene on the train when Ginny reveals she has broken up with Michael but is now with Dean. I remember thinking now that’s there for a reason.

[Gap where I rage quit Harry Potter for several years after Ootp because how could JKR kill Sirius?! It broke my heart too much for Harry.]

When I returned to Harry Potter, I was so, so, SO blown away by the fact that my dream ship had come true in HBP! And not only that, but Ginny was everything I had hoped and so, so much more! It sparked my first foray into writing lots of fanfiction for them 10+ years ago as we awaited DH.

Why I Ship Harry/Ginny

Even though in many ways I’m like Hermione (a perfectionist, book lover, always raised my hand in class), I resonated so much more with Ginny. Ginny was who I felt like as a child: cripplingly shy, a younger sister, had mortifying crushes (once on my brother’s friend), and used humor to make my way through life. Then Ginny is who I really wanted to be when I grew up. I deal with some trauma in my past, and I admire the heck out of Ginny who overcomes the trauma with the diary, her embarrassing crush, and her brothers trying telling her she couldn’t play Quidditch, and reveals her hilarious self and her kickass flying and magic skills, makes friendships and catches up after her awful first year, just - so many amazing things! She doesn’t let her past or anyone else define her future. So yeah, of course, Harry falls head over heels for her!

But there’s the other part of the coin on why I ship them more than wish fulfillment for Ginny: how she is Harry’s equal in every way. She understands him like no other. She makes him feel normal, not like a boy with a scar on his forehead and a prophecy to fulfill. He frets about his best friend knowing about his wet dreams! He feels normal, teenage pining, jealousy, and angst. He wants to use his lucky potion not to deal with Draco or Voldemort, but what if this will lead to him getting together with Ginny? Despite hating being talked about or potentially losing Ron, Harry impulsively kisses her in front of everyone! Ginny makes him laugh, makes him happy. She understands when he needs to break up. She’s his last, dying thought. He turns around when he’s supposed to be ending a war by facing Voldemort because omg Bellatrix how dare she try to harm a hair on Ginny’s head. The language he uses to describe her is so poetic, so unlike anything else in his perspective... Ugh, Harry loves her so much!

Ginny gets the boy, and Harry gets the girl. Ahhh, I just can’t with these two.

They’ve been my OTP for as long as I can remember. Events in my life took me away from Harry Potter and fandom until a few months ago, and I’m so happy to be back. I love imagining them in every universe. They are keeping me going through these unique and awful times. I am just happy to be able to bask in their sunlit days once more.

#hinny #ask #harry potter #ginny weasley #oops this ended up being a long essay #hope that's ok #thank for you the question!#i'm really honored to be included in your list #anadrizzle

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bunnieresources · 4 years

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marina’s “the family jewels” album sentence starters.

“ am i meant to feel happy that my life’s about to change? “

“ people like to tell you what you’re gonna be. “

“ it’s not my problem if you don’t see what i see. “

“ i don’t give a damn if you don’t believe. “

“ it’s my problem that i’m never happy. “

“ it’s my problem on how fast i’ll succeed. “

“ are you satisfied with an average life? “

“ do i need to lie to get my way in life? “

“ baby, nothing comes for free. “

“ they say i’m a control freak, driven by a greed to succeed. “

“ nobody can stop me. “

“ it’s my problem if i wanna pack up and run away. “

“ it’s my business if i feel the need to smoke, and drink, and sway. “

“ it’s my problem if i feel i need to hide. “

“ it’s my problem if i have no friends and feel i want to die. “

“ are you satisfied with an easy ride? “

“ once you cross the line, will you be satisfied? “

“ sleep is not my friend. “

“ i wonder when the night will reach its end. “

“ i feel celestial. “

“ you’ve been acting awful tough lately. “

“ it’s okay to say you’ve got a weak spot. “

“ you don’t always have to be on top. “

“ better to be hated than loved for what you’re not. “

“ you’re vulnerable. “

“ you’re lovable, but you’re just trouble. “

“ i’m vulnerable. “

“ can you teach me how to feel real? “

“ is there any possibility you’ll quit gossiping about me? “

“ i feel i’ve been riding up the wrong path. “

“ i’m gonna make sure i get the last laugh. “

“ i’ll escape if i try hard enough. “

“ i have been told that i must take the unforsaken road. “

“ i’ll do as i am told. “

“ i don’t know who i want to be. “

“ will that guarantee you a win? “

“ do you think you will be good enough to love others and to be loved? “

“ give me a cigarette. “

“ last night’s love affair is looking vulnerable again. “

“ won’t you quit your crying? i can’t sleep. “

“ all you ever think about are sick ideas involving me and involving you. “

“ you never told me what it was that made you strong or made you weak. “

“ your mind is just like mine. “

“ don’t get on my bad side---i can work a gun. “

“ hope into the backseat, baby, i’ll show you some fun! “

“ just because you know my name doesn’t mean you know my game. “

“ i’m in the wrong place. “

“ is there more to lose than gain if i go on my own again? “

“ i’m good at protecting what they wanna take. “

“ i’m a fucking wild-card! “

“ you used to be so kind. “

“ i was the wrong damn girl in the wrong damn room. “

“ did you find your bitch in me? “

“ you’re abominable socially. “

“ you’re just a little too much like me. “

“ you can take your double-standard love and keep it. “

“ i don’t do love, don’t do friends. “

“ i’m only after success. “

“ i don’t need a relationship. “

“ i’ll never soften my grip. “

“ i just wanna make a change. “

“ i just wanna change. “

“ i know exactly what i want and who i want to be. “

“ i know exactly why i walk and talk like a machine. “

“ i’m becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy. “

“ if i fail, i’ll fall apart. “

“ i feel like i’m the worst, so i always act like i’m the best. “

“ if you’re not very careful, your possessions will possess you. “

“ tv taught me how to feel, now real life has no appeal. “

“ i’m gonna fail. “

“ i’m gonna die. “

“ i’ve got nowhere to go. “

“ i’m rootless. “

“ i can’t breathe and i can’t smile. “

“ this better be worth my while. “

“ i feel numb most of the time. “

“ it’s a reasonable sacrifice. “

“ i can’t open up and cry because i’ve been silent all my life. “

“ i’m no good to anyone. “

“ all i care about is being number one. “

“ i’m a guilty one. “

“ they know what i’ve done. “

“ yeah, i’m a troubled one and i won’t be forgiven. “

“ i was just a kid that you couldn’t forgive because it’s harder. “

“ i was just a kid and all i really wanted was my father. “

“ i’ve been sorry all these years. “

“ i can’t break the cycle, am i just a fool? “

“ the only thing we share is one last name. “

“ did i beat you at your own game? “

“ typical of me to put us all to shame. “

“ is it my fault we stay divided? “

“ oh, you think i’m unfit? little did you know that i was cut for it. “

“ you were embarrassed of me. “

“ i bet you wish i couldn’t speak, because when i do, you know i tell you why you appear weak. “

“ well, you don’t know fuck about my family. “

#rp prompts #rp memes #roleplaying prompts #roleplaying memes #inbox memes #inbox prompts #ask memes #ask prompts #sentence starters

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thegeminisage · 4 years

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sorry but i have been thinking about this for ages and it’s time 2 get it off my chest

kind of wild to be a gamer & a lady & engaging in fandom in 2020 because in my social circles/life in general there is a HUUUGE disconnect (long post goes behind a cut)

growing up, Games Were Only For Boys. my first interactions with games in a sense where i was actually engaging with the story of them did not involve me at the controller, it involved me watching my brother play

in my late teens and early adulthood up til now, Fandom And Especially Fan Fiction Is For Women - obviously there are exceptions to this, but in this post i am speaking in a very broad, general, stereotyped sense

which is wild because when i began writing fanfiction (for video games, in 2003) there were a LOT of guys who also wrote fanfiction that usually just involved action/adventure plots and little to no romance and i think that stopped because the stigma of fanfiction is that it’s romance/erotica aimed towards the ladies

the Fandom That’s For Women is very very VERY focused on shipping, romance, and sex

games, especially story-heavy games, can often also be full of sex shoved in your face - but that’s sex aimed at men, not women - women in skimpy outfits, jiggly boob physics, etc

true irony is that nowadays in fandom if you DON’T write the slash or you ship m/f characters you’re more likely to get hate for being homophobic or whatever but in 2006 when i was writing fma and ff6 slash i got shit on ALL THE TIME for publishing “that gay shit” and while i’m well aware slash as it exists today existed also way before 2003-2006 i wasn’t in those spaces i was in video game spaces and They Were For Men

so if you’re not in the engaging in fandom in the Stereotypical Dude Way (no gays, only boobs & violence against women, fanfic is stupid) or the Stereotypical Lady Way (ship everyone with everyone, romance is the focus, obligatory sex scenes) you can like sometimes find this section of fandom (SOMETIMES) that’s like...all gen only gen 110% of the time ONLY wholesome content ONLY fluff canon romances get a pass but nothing else and it’s like you’d write your mom and dad, not like, Romantic, it’s innocent in an almost childlike way, because there is also the stereotype that games are Only For Children

which is fine but it’s like...a lil boring...sometimes...not that i don’t have my “gen and fluff ONLY” days/fandoms because we do get tired of pointless sex & romance - i also definitely have my “oh they are ALL fuckin” days/fandoms...experiences are fluid...

anyway much more women play games and engage in fandoms for games now & thats dope as hell but for me personally there’s still this weird disconnect of like...i want to enjoy fandom (maybe especially game fandom bc fandoms for games are almost always very small) in a way that’s adult and explores the depth of the stories available to us but i don’t want to do it in a “obligatory bikini-clad woman and blood & guts scene” way or a “obligatory sex scene & everybody’s shipped with everybody” way either so like......idk. i’m not wording this very well i don’t think

i guess i miss how game fandom was in the early/mid 00s...despite the sexism and homophobia and etc...obviously all that is bad

but i think it’s harder these days to find good solid adventure/action fics these days ESPECIALLY for video games

bc 1. most men don’t typically write fanfiction anymore and they are less likely to write romance 2. there’s this unspoken pressure that if you ARE writing fanfiction they Gotta smooch (or do more than smooch) & if you don’t stick it in there your fic falls anywhere on a scale of “boring” to “problematic” - there’s a huge focus on romance especially between same-sex characters - and i think PART of it is because we staaaarving for seeing those sorts of relationships written BY women and queer people in proper mainstream media which is valid but also partly that it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy - everybody thinks fanfic is for romance so it continues to be about romance

i just want like a middle ground...is that too much to ask...especially in game fandoms...

ok for an example...ff13 is the WORST offender re: fandom stuff

what little fic there is is like focused on shipping fang/vanille which i dont like bc i see her as fang’s lil sister or hope/lightning or hope/snow which is like ?!?!?! because he’s like 14 or hope/noel because they’re literally the only 2 dudes who are in their early 20s and romantically available even though they BARELY speak to one another...like half the appeal of 13 to me was the very limited romance and YEAH i love me some fang/lightning but where’s the gen?! there isn’t any because gen’s too boring!!! men would write gen but they don’t write fanfiction!!! (or there would be needless sexualizing of/violence against women. i’m not going to sit here and say i actively want to read stuff written by men more than i want to read stuff written by women when i know that’s usually how that goes lol) and when you do find gen it’s like...VERY wholesome and thats great sometimes i have written that tooth-rotting fluff but ff13 is a dark game that deals with dark stuff sometimes... you see what i mean??

anyway. drives me batty

and it’s wild too that the PEOPLE in my life who engage with fandom all distinctly fit into Guy Fandom or Girl Fandom or Gen Only Fandom...i rarely ever see crossovers...my brother is the first most of my friends from tumblr are the second and a lot of people i met thru undertale are the third...Girl Fandom does not engage in game fandom much, most of game fandom is Gen Only Fandom or Guy Fandom...but i want the lessened romance/sex of Gen Only and Guy Fandom, the adultness of Guy Fandom and Girl Fandom, and the “please stop objectifying and victimizing women” of Girl Fandom and Gen Only Fandom...HOW do i get this...i don’t...i can’t...Gen Only Fandom tends to stay so far away from heavier darker stuff too and i like my heavy shit...it’s a Problem...

again there are obvious exceptions to these generalizations...these are just personal observations...nobody send me mean anons...i just had to get that out there

this isn’t very well worded if you made it to the bottom thank you for indulging me

#personal #this is a dumb post #no one understands me!!!!!!!! i'm just out here #a lonely gamer #caught in the middle of everything #:(((

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mrsmess · 4 years

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Faves and fails of SPN (season 10)

Favorite episodes (in chronological order):

10:2 Reichenbach - Of course I like the Cole-storyline, it’s been a long time coming, but he’s so short Sam’s taller than him sitting down! Not that I’m complaining. I’m not hating this. I feel like this rewatch became Sam’s about midway through season 8 and that still holds. Samstel in distress fends pretty well for himself. Also loving Cass, and even Hannah. And Dean is an asshole but at least he kills Lester.

10:5 Fan fiction - Well, obviously this goes on the list. Love this crap. The boys are a lot of fun. And all the girls are awesome.

10:6 Ask Jeeves - anything Bobby related, y’know? And now we know the show’s back to normal, when Sam insists ”being a monster is a choice” and Dean comes blasting through the door with the categorical excessive violence. Ah. Supernatural.

10:7 Girls, girls, girls - sexworkers hustling for souls - brilliant. And Rowena! Is she modelled after Morticia? Anyway she gets quite an introduction, instantly into her. And Crowley dislikes getting tangled w the prostitution ring. Dean’s closing speech to Cole - pretty frickin’ strong.

10:8 Hibbing 911 - Jody and Donna and Alex on the phone. That is all I care about.

10:9 The things we left behind - And now another Wayward daughter! Claire! And Cass being cute. Sam’s hairography. ”Tell me it was them or you!” Well... kind of? And they certainly had it coming.

10:12 About a boy - Dean is appropriately haunted by what happened w Charlie and it’s bleeding into his performance. He gets transformed into his tween self. I like this actor. Omg! Tween!Dean ranting and adult!Sam listening - adorable.

10:14 The executioner’s song - now that’s an intro. Dean bashing Sam’s true crime fad. I’m with ya, Dean! Why would someone w their lives be into serial killers? Cain is looking goooood. And Sam acting like everything’s gonna be okay but knowing differently.

10:15 The things they carried - kudos to the show for not abandoning the Cole storyline. Also fresh monster time, albeit not my favorite monster (it’s a little silly) but still. The possibility of failure catching up w Sam.

10:16 Paint it black - omg! Sydney from Legion! Love her. And Dean relating to her. Love that. Finally some more info on Rowena. Dean in confession. My heart!

10:17 Inside man - Bobby! Barefoot Sam! ”How’d you sleep?” ”Like a drunk baby.” A mime that is secretly a cockroach. That is the story, goshdarnit! But I hate that Sam’s not being frank w Dean about what he’s doing. That’s usually Dean’s mo. Boooh. But I like him and Cass working together. But I hate lonely, self-destructive Dean. But Bobby! But poor Dean! I’m in pain. Okay ultimately it goes on the fave list because things start moving w Crowley and because of Bobby’s jailbreak. ”Dean doesn’t know we’re doing this.” ”Well, that’s a page ripped right outta the Winchester hand book, ain’t it?” I miss him so much. And Dean and Crowley talking. And Bobby’s reaction to Metatron. Lol.

10:18 Book of the damned - ”Can I kill him now?” Oh Cass. I get it. Metatron is like that person who rubs everyone the wrong way, and for no apparent reason, but all powerful. Nightmare. Dean coming clean! Charlie! Mysterious artefact! Thin Lizzy! The brothers dreaming about the beach. Diciplined, deliberate, contained and soft-spoken Dean is adorable. ”What is your mission now, Castiel?” The Winchesters obviously. Charlie and Sam talking about the life <3 Cass finding his grace! Cass and Charlie meeting! Behind Blue Eyes!What time is it? It’s time to spin the intrigue wheel! Deal with darkness it is!

10:20 Angel heart - Claire is back. Oh Cass. Never change. Dean and Claire playing miniature golf. I’m rly annoyed thinking about the Novak-family priorities: Jimmy went like: sure I’ll be a vessel, it’s not like my family needs me. And Amelia went like: I’ll go look for my vessel-husband, Claire will be fine on her own. And then they’re together in dumbass-heaven. And Dean, Sam and Cass leaving Claire to fend for her half Dead mother. They can’t do anything quite right, huh? Still, it gets to stay on the fave list because of Claire. Poor baby.

Worst episodes (in chronological order):

10:4 Paper Moon - Gosh, I’m instantly seeing the upside of Demon!Dean: They’re gonna make this shallow guilt-tripping last the entire season, aren’t they? Watching the Lester-storyline put into a flashback-collage like that; The Winchesters? More like the two Stooges. And ”You killed your boyfriend’s best friend!” Are you being dumb on purpose? Were you asleep during the movie she left for you?

10:10 The hunter games - Kind of a fix-it episode. I’m a tad tired of these constant lines on human morality taking up time when they are kinda beyond it.

10:13 Halt and catch fire - This is pretty terrible. The ghost is in the wifi! Technology is evil!

10:21 Dark dynasty - As fascinating as the Styne family is, they’re wasted this late. Plus, y’know, the obvious, horrible ending.

10:23 Brother’s keeper - Calling a dead girl ”dressed like a whore” under demonic influence or not, is the quickest way to end up on my nope list. Honestly I felt the tide turning in Dean’s favor but nah. Yeah, Yeah, i get it, he’s losing it, but I’m back on team Sam. My god, these final speeches between the brothers are starting to feel as engaging as ping pong, as well as resemble it. ”Let’s try the same dialogue as we did last season but change places.” And it’s kind of stupid because the subject matter is continually engaging. Also I’m not clear on why Dean had to kill Sam and that’s just, not good.

Honorable mentions:

The relationship between Cass and Hannah has me weak at the knees at times. I rly like it.

Dean and Sam going by Collins and Gabriel in there’s no place like home.

Dean inadvertantly describing himself accurately in the Werther project: ”You’re looking at me like i’m some diseased, killer-puppy.” Lol.

Crowley torturing a guy w darts, and talking to the hamster.

Dishonorable mentions:

I dig Rowena but not her motivations. Or maybe it’s more along the lines of me not liking it. The only power worth having is the power to be free. Everything else just seems like a hassle.

The fact that they don’t try dismembering all monsters and burying the parts seperately- which seems to at least slow down anything- instead of playing along w silly ancient self-fulfilling prophecies ”Cain must be killed w the first blade” Have they learned nothing from Buffy?

Piero the 16th century italian artist preferring bottle blondes.

Things that makes you go hmm:

Soul survivor - Okay. So. If Sam used his own blood to cure Dean - would that count as a trial? He certainly didn’t care about blood types or sanctified blood, or maybe I missed something. Either way, it irks me. Actually, could we skip this whole guilt-trippy demon-cure schtick? What Sam did is n.o.t.h.i.n.g compared to what they’ve done before. And heaven and hell is increasingly unepic- not that I mind. And ”He says he doesn’t want to.” Who cares?? The shit you’ve put each other through for ten seasons; you’re so beyond asking each other for permission.

Summing up:

This is definitely Dean’s season, he gets to be a badass demon as well as show great restraint, my two favorite things. Unfortunately Sam’s behavior is a bit ooc again, he not only shouldn’t have but wouldn’t have kept his work a secret from Dean, he’s more of the earnest, nagging type. Plus, the execution of the season is chaotic and confusing. Probably the lowest ranking season so far.

#supernatural #spn meta #favorite episodes #random fandom #rewatch #no this is not a supernatural blog

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samisweetpea · 4 years

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Dear Rose,

I’ve tried to find the lesson or the meaning in everything in front of me all my life, in order to let go of the past, but there’s a part of me that’s afraid to look too close. A part that really wants to shut the book before I got to the ending, because I knew I was going to have to be the one to write it and I didn’t think I knew how to resolve the conflict. But I think I get it now, being the bigger person, and apologizing for the way you made someone feel, even if you didn’t mean to. And standing up for yourself for the things you were afraid to say, but shouldn’t have been. We’re still the same person, Rose. It’s almost scary, how we haven’t changed at all. But all we’ve been doing for years is focusing on all the ways we’re different.

I have a feeling that you think I don’t know you anymore, but I want you to know that I do want to. And the parts that I might not understand, or you don’t think I will, I want to. I try so hard, in the ways that I know how. But I didn’t let you get to know me the last few years. I shut you down, deep inside. A lot of people say that about me, that I am hard to get to know. We were always so close, but not quite there, and the distance we had to go always seemed to lead to road rage, instead of enjoying the ride.

One of our favorite things to do, when everything starts moving too fast, is find places that slow us down. The ocean, the forest, the tallest trees and the creeks running underneath. Maybe some weed. We could never stop running if they placed us on middle ground, couldn’t stop banging on our drums until we found some place where the music stopped and we could hear ourselves think. We were best buds. But the bigger the world got for me and you, the smaller it got for me. I was just so sad when our family didn’t work out, and I felt small. I felt like my world got ripped in two. It was always one or the other. Win or lose. All or nothing. My limit seemed to be two ends of one infinite line, and I didn’t understand the middle.

Do you know that bipolar disorder is more common in the United States than any other country in the world? 4% of Americans as compared to 2% in other countries, show symptoms. Probably more, for people who don’t have access to help. I started to think about why that might be.

Why is everything in America black and white? Why are the United States colors red, white and blue, but we only care about the first and the last? Why does everyone have to choose between taking a risk or hating the fall? Why is this country built on dreamers and realists, zeros and heroes, men or mice, lovers and fighters, nerds and jocks, athletes and cheerleaders, artists and architects, builders and breakers, movers and shakers, fans and haters? Is that a coincidence? And why is white in between them, a color that isn’t really a color at all, but a reflection and spectrum of all of them at once, a rainbow of possibilities and differences. It also just so happens to be the thing we chose to exemplify love in all its forms.

Why does this hypocritical country keep making us choose between the worst of its polar ends? Why do they make it so hard for people in the middle to win? It ends up being very lonely for everyone. And the more I started to think about it, the more I realized many people in my life have symptoms of bipolarity, not just the disorder. Namely me. I probably have symptoms of a million things with no one label, but that doesn’t make them feel any less real. What is it about the world we live in that fosters this rollercoaster of emotion, and how do we stop it? This attraction to people just like you? To people so much different? To the best and worst of who you are, so much that you end up having to choose one?

This country is composed of polar opposites, a two party system where angry, godlike, manically powerful politicians work hand in hand with deeply burdened, empathetic, depressed ones, and no one ever wins. Misery loves company, and that company is making millions.

They ignore the people in between them, they find the differences before they find the similarities. They can’t choose between the dream or the reality. They can’t acknowledge the elephant in the room, that some people have it better or worse than others but we all deserve the same rights to be themselves and be successful. There’s a saying that in order to get past your biggest fears, you have to face them. And we often look for the things we dislike about ourselves the most in other people, or the things we wish we had and end up resenting. I surround myself with people that I end up pushing away, because they remind me of the things I wish I could change about myself. I find them all around me, like a self-fulfilling prophecy where I always feel alone and always end up alone, putting myself in relationships and friendships with people I think are too similar to me to bear, too different to reason with.

I find the worst in you, Rose. And I think I do it so I can continue to be sad about the worst in myself, so I don’t have to get better, so I don’t have to face my fears about what my future would look like without the sadness that seems to follow me. I give up on the things I’m afraid to fail at, or the things I feel judged for, or the things I am resentful towards. I don’t make apologies because I am afraid they’ll be rejected. I run instead, towards the things that make me feel small, for the things that make me feel ordinary, I settle for a life I think I’m supposed to have, outcomes I think I deserve. Heartbreak, anger, grief, broken bank accounts, sexism, punishment, divorce, death. I make choices that don’t do anything good for me, and then blame everything else but myself for them, because the pain of thinking I’ve failed is something I don’t know how to use as fire underneath me, but something I take personally.

I was so afraid of being wrong about my poor choices all this time, that I feigned being right, but you were always louder than I was, and that’s hard to argue. You’re loud and you interrupt my thoughts, you make me mad and make me feel silly. You make me different and I hate you for it. It’s even harder to tell you when you light me up or do something really beautiful, because I’m scared, it’s like you might not come out again tomorrow, or maybe you’re just making fun of the love I have for you. You take things all the wrong ways sometimes. I can’t seem to make even a small criticism or a correct one without you feeling like an awful person, rather than one who maybe just messed up a little bit. I can’t give you an inch without you taking a mile. You push at my buttons in a way that makes them break, instead of just being gentle. You’re still just a little girl, deep down. I have not been a very good guardian of your spirit.

If I ever told you these things when they happened, I felt like you’d blame yourself rather than give me a sincere apology, so I just didn’t ask for one. I thought I didn’t care, but I think I do. Even coming from you, who I always underestimate when it comes to using their words. That’s the thing about people like me. We will always care, even if we don’t want to. It demands to be felt, like a pulse, the way we love other people even when they don’t love us back. Or when we refuse to believe it.

You are me. And we made it through. And YOU are my favorite person today, when you’re all grown up. You’re a woman with the heart of a little boy on the playground. You’re funny, smart, charismatic. You are a master in debating, a true friend, and you‘re one in a million. You are born in the year of the tiger, you roar like you rule the world. Your name is holy, a godly word for “flower.” You find soulmates everywhere you go, and they find you, too. The most important thing you’ll ever do is find yourself, and that’s my favorite story to tell. But I think I finally have to tell you mine, a secret that I’ve kept inside, even though I know it’s nothing you’d expect me to hide.

The most important story I ever told was in middle school, a lesson about a little boy named Ben. He lived in a closet under the stairs that he couldn’t come out of. He had one secret, a really good one, but he thought this secret was something that made him not good enough for all the great things about him.

Ben didn’t realize that his big secret was what made him special. It was what made him happy. It made him lovely. One day he finally got his happy ending. But it took so much longer to find it, when he let the world stand in his way. He didn’t have the hindsight to move mountains and sail stormy seas to get back to himself. And isn’t it lovely to be loved by the one we love? Why hold back?

I was watching “IT” the other night, and I think the movie finally makes sense to me in all the ways it didn’t when I was your age.

I believe in a world where everything can mean something, even something small. And something small can end up meaning everything. Somewhere out there, the universe is telling us that every moment of our lives is connected, and nothing is as it seems. There is an insurmountable truth, a story full of words somewhere beyond your reach. You just have to find it. Often, the best parts just so happen to be found in the moments you’ve lost everything else. And they don’t fit in your head, but in your heart. Not just feelings, but something tangible beating in your rib cage. A noun for the thing that you fear the most. One, or two, or twenty adjectives, for the thing you love the hardest and the thing you can’t forget, even if you want to. Lyrics for the thing you’re most ashamed of, your worst critics, your biggest dreams. Poems for your family, your friends, the tears you cry, the bridges you burn, the laughs you share, the secrets you thaw. Bits of the past, the present, and the future all rolled into one, the things you run from and still run back to. Your hometown, your childhood, your bad habits and hidden vices waiting in the margins. Your biggest talents and the best of your vocabulary, when the sensations are ineffable. These words are the things that make you who you are, the things that make you iridescently whole and human. But there is darkness in a feeling so overwhelming. A tethering of language you will never be able to control or undo, a thing you’ll never quite understand. The sadness of it sees you, and it follows you like a rain cloud. That feeling always knows what you’ll do next, and deep down you think you deserve the worst parts of it -make or break. You wish you could take all the ugly words in the world and leave them behind, letting them fall between your fingers like sand. You’re not really supposed to see the whole story all the time in front of you, but sometimes, it feels like you’re the only one who can. Sometimes that same story demands to be felt. But if you do ever read it up close, if you understand it isn’t real, but that it’s meaningful, and important, and yours, you can save the ending. You can learn from it, and flourish beyond it. You can realize the plot line doesn’t have to define you, that you deserve the best things you can feel, that there is nothing better to feel than love, but love is not better than nothing. That you don’t have to walk on eggshells trying not to wake it up. This story is one I’ve been seeking without knowing it, in Friends and in PARKS and Recreation, in The Office. Especially the one where Michael finds Holly again, at the best views they can find. I found myself driving around aimlessly, crying and laughing and listening to music the other night. And I keep driving to my favorite places, places I went with you. I thought I wanted to be Jim and Pam, but I don’t. I’m an annoying Kelly, and I’m an asshole Ryan. And no matter how hard they try to fight it, they are the best story, in the end. Love always wins. The story doesn’t have to own you, or control you. You can’t change it, and you have to let the best parts go sometimes. But it will always, always get better. I heard it before I saw it in 2018, in the back of an ambulance. I’ve had the urge to follow the voice who told it ever since. The words for the story I wanted to tell have been bubbling up in me since 2018. That was the year that I almost took my life, and this is the story where I take it back.

My Grandpap, the biggest loss I’ve ever known and the greatest gift I was ever given, told me lots of things. That knowledge is power, not to do anything stupid and not to be a smart ass. He taught me we should all look out for one another, that I should treat others how I want to be treated, and that it costs nothing to be nice. The best thing about him was what he left behind, in poems and pictures of the family he made. Some of the last words he left us were “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.” (He didn’t write them.)

They were right. Whoever wrote it, at least. But I didn’t realize it, or see it, until being in the hospital, or until I lost my mind, or until I screamed for the things I needed, finally loud enough to receive them, but losing everything I ever wanted in it’s place. I thought I loved myself then, but I didn’t. I just was just hating you, for all the things I didn’t say. So much that it got blurred with love. I’ve been fighting a war inside me, and I fail every time. I feel like such a loser, when in reality, I’m just a lover.

Loving myself today is frankly, fucking fantastic. I feel like I can see shit before it happens. I feel like I am breaking cycles and breaking down my own walls - like an architect of my future. It feels like all the colors at once are living inside my chest, singing to get out.

I love myself more than anyone ever has or anyone ever will, I love the little girl I still have left in me, and I’m confidently insecure about all my flaws. I am not the worst things I have ever done, my worst memories. I am not the boy who looks like me, or tells me what I wanna hear, but is never your type. I’m not the shit I didn’t ask for either, but that stuff usually gives me luck, and I’m grateful. But I am also not the only one who understands me, I am not the only one who sees me or hears me waking up in the middle of the night for a cigarette.

I know now, what my point in writing this was. I don’t want anything out of it. I don’t know there’s anywhere left to go. I have no requests, no apologies. But I’m fucking tired. I’m tired of being angry and hard-headed and missing you from far away, leaving you to mind read the love in between my lines. I’m tired of being quiet. I’m tired of walking on eggshells, trying not to say too much or take you out of context. I’m tired of trading what I want for mediocre friendship, which will never be enough. I don’t even feel like I have anything to offer you. You’re so much more than me.

But I know I do, because we all do, and even if it’s not something I can share with the people I like most, at least I can tell myself that I will always be my biggest fan, and I will always remember the best of my story, not the worst. I'll always believe in the best of life. My good and bad and red and blue country, and the rainbow that reflects in my chest, shining like sunlight to the people I allow to see it.

My name is not Ben. I don’t know my full potential yet, or what fires and freezes will stand in the way of my story having a happy ending, but I know what I’m not.

I’m the only one of me.

And I’m not straight.

At all.

This is probably the least interesting thing about me, but the most important, because I always wanted to prove to you I’d have a wedding that would look like your dream one day, and I wouldn’t mess it up. But weddings and marriages are kind of stupid, just parties and pieces of paper, and you don’t need them to know you have something special.

And you know what else I know?

I know I am not alone, and I know you would have loved me the same if I had never told you my story. And you probably aren’t gonna know what to say, or you might never say anything at all, because it’s kind of awkward and weird now. I might never hear from you. But I’m okay with that now. I can miss you from far away, and love you from far away too.

But I’m glad I did tell you in the end, because now you see who I really am, and everything about me makes more sense.

I’m going back to Derry, every day, for the rest of our lives. It’s not that scary, I promise.

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noheroes-allowed · 4 years

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the distancing is making me forget his essence. something that always drew me towards him was just the warmth he exudes and I’m starting to forget it. like I hear it in his voice but I can’t see him. and this has happened in the past over breaks where being away from him, I think I’m no longer crushing on him. but then I’ll see him again and have it all come back to me. a part of me feels like we’d make good friends. and just be friends. but what if I just think that way bc I can’t see him rn. and I’m missing such a fundamental piece of him. but what if I’m also trying to protect myself. I’m scared if I start having even more intense feelings for him, it’s gonna hurt so terribly when it’s not reciprocated. he is so so nice and I trust him to never hurt me intentionally. his casual niceness is comforting and scary at the same time. I hope this doubt I feel doesn’t last long. I like him. I like liking him. he’s so so good. the only other person I opened up to in a similar capacity was two years ago, and back then he was comforting and reassuring of my fears and insecurities. but I’ve blocked out a lot of my memories I think bc they later caused me so much pain. I think I’m scared of that pain. to feel so entangled with someone and for them to hold so much control over my feelings and emotions? it’s hard to open up to people. especially after how badly someone close to me hurt me last year. but I know he would never do that to me. he would never hurt me on purpose. maybe this is too presumptuous to say, maybe I’m putting him on a pedastal. but I really believe he wouldn’t hurt me on purpose.

my friend said our conversation was flirty. was it? when he said he felt a maturity difference. when he said he likes being friends with someone first. when he said he likes it when there’s no pressure and no one has admitted anything yet. esfj’s like pursuing relationships it said but they’re very committed partners. a part of me was scared of how quickly he moves on from the girls he’s showed interest in. like when there was a slight overlap and the girl’s twin saw him with the new girl. and how he thinks he’d rather be friends with lake girl. but he is very loyal at heart. when we talked about best and worst dates. when he asked me if I’d used tinder recently. he asked me about hs but I don’t think he understands how I’ve literally never dated before. I love when he told me that thursday before that when he likes someone it’s bc he likes spending time with them and talking to them and not really about physical attraction. and he has very pg intentions. when he read that infj’s don’t do casual and he brought up my tinder use again. when he asked if there were compatibility tests. when he said they’re not always right. when he said I’m always here. when he said he couldn’t wait. but it was literally so so casual and he would’ve said that to anyone. I’m not sure if he would’ve said I’m always here to anyone though. and it was such a soft way and I originally barely registered it. but it was so kind.

there’s so much I want to know about him. but I’m scared to ask him bc of what I found out last week. his childhood photos. how he views life. I’m stupid and yesterday I read a bunch of compatibility tests for us. and the s makes him very much living life in the moment rather than a deeper level of questioning. and it said I wouldn’t feel fulfilled bc of that lack of deeper conversation. I don’t want there to be a self fulfilling prophecy though.

I guess a good thing about this mess is the fact that I was bold enough to tell him how I wanted to hang out with him. and I liked talking to him and he said it back. maybe he wouldn’t have gone to the dinner thursday if they didn’t cancel after spring break. I’m glad he sat next to me on the floor that night. I feel like I kept mirroring his sitting position when we were all talking. but also that we got to talk a little on our own too while the big group was talking. I’m so lucky to have been in his car. and to have sat in the front. literally none of this would’ve happened without boston. I wonder though that if this whole mess wasn’t happening, if I would’ve been bold enough to ask him to hang out anyway. if the friday announcement didn’t happen, I would’ve probably just tried to play catan with him at my place. if the tuesday announcement didn’t happen, I probably would’ve kept pining hard and not done anything. and pressure my friend to arrange it or completely let it go like she intended. I wonder if he read into the messages she sends him. like going to mango mango with us. plus the linkedin message. and the internship news. I’m hoping he’s oblivious. but am I completely hoping? do I want him to know? I feel like if he doesn’t know at this point, if at any point I do tell him, it’s gonna be one where he looks back and a lot makes more sense. since he’s only oblivious sometimes as he says. I wonder if I could’ve made enough progress to ask him to that concert in may. probably not if this whole thing wasn’t happening? bc I know he cares a lot about studying and it would’ve been during finals week. and I wouldn’t have moved as boldly if none of this happened. but who knows what april might have brought along if we were all still in school. maybe I would’ve started getting more impatient and asked him to hang out. I’m happy my friend was right though. I felt like I needed to hang onto his friend in order to hang out with him. but I don’t now. we have our own thing going and it feels good.

I want him to enjoy music more. I wanted him to go to the jeremy concert with me but it’s highly unlikely now. can we go to ocean city? I feel like that’s more obvious. bc he knows I like jeremy. it would’ve been great. I would’ve gone to dallas to see him. and I would’ve asked to crash at his place. and I would’ve asked if I could stay the weekend since the concert would’ve been thursday night. he could’ve showed me around dallas or maybe we could’ve explored more on our own. and I would’ve been 21, so who knows, maybe we would’ve gone to a bar or club or something. I suck at dancing though. I wish I told him yesterday that I actually really do like dancing, I just get super self conscious and only ever dance at concerts or alone in my room. why’d I lie? I guess he’s right in that I’m extremely private. if things get slightly better this summer, can he go to a concert with me around here? I want him to enjoy music like I do. and just the feeling of being around people who love the same thing you do is so magical. and it would be nice to experience it with him I think. I hope we get to sometime this summer.

I hope he shows me around annapolis too. I wanna see his old school. I want him to see mine. I want him to see the little forest area I go wandering around these days. and the tree. I haven’t told him about that yet but. I want to show him my hometown and I want him to show me his. the stupid docks and the stupid grocery stores he goes to and the stupid tennis courts he played at and the stupid fast food joints he go to with his friends. the stupid senior rocks and the stupid playground and the stupid shopping mall and the stupid movie theater and the stupid fairgrounds. I want to know how he grew up. I want him to ask about how I grew up. I want to feel close enough and comfortable enough to him where I can talk about my complicated parents. especially my dad. how not really growing up with him around strained our relationship. how it makes me such a horrible person but I like that he’s gone during the week and only comes back on the weekends. how I spent two hours outside friday and saturday bc I needed to get away. how I think the sound of my mother yelling at my brother does more than just annoy me, I think it triggers me. how I’m really scared of long term relationships and I don’t even know one healthy marriage. how I had depression junior and senior year of high school and thought all my problems would be solved once I went to college but they didn’t. how empty I felt last spring. how I did something I regret and I’m responsible for my own decisions but I wish I didn’t go to his place and drink. how I did a similar thing in freshman year too. and casual didn’t work both times for different reasons. how anxiety holds me back. I think I alluded to it when they asked me that dinner what my worst memory of segc was. and I said I got super anxious and cried in front of everyone. and he agreed and said it was really anxiety-inducing. but I want to feel comfortable enough to tell him how I get random panic attacks in stats class. how speaking in front of any group of people makes me nervous. maybe he knows a little just from our segc presentations. and that time when he answered for me. or when I said I was nervous about secon. I wanted to say my best memory was the drive to and back boston but I was too scared to say that in front of everyone. I said it was boston though, and I hope he knows he played such a large part of that. I want to tell him this and more, and I want him to tell me about his dad and more, but I don’t wanna push him and I don’t wanna scare him. I just want both of us to be in a place where we can open up more. but I don’t even know if he wants that.

most of all, I just hope we get closer. I hope I can meet his friends, and if that happens, I hope they like me and we vibe well. it would be very scary though. I hope he becomes a person I can talk to. above all else, I believe he’s such a good person and I want him to be in my life. and I hope he wants me to be in his too. he probably feels it less intensely than I do, but I hope he feels the same.

crushes kinda suck though. I spend hours and hours talking and writing about him. and all my rationality is just thrown out the window. I’m glad my friend stopped shitting on him though. bc I very much know I’m crazy. and I make myself feel bad for liking him so much already and don’t want to add her voice to the mix. I hate relying on this person on how well my day goes too especially when we were back at school. sigh this is really life these days. oh. and I miss his eyes. they are a greenish blue and I’ve never liked my crushes’ eyes before. but I find myself getting lost in them sometimes when he talks and have to force myself to pay attention to his words instead of his eyes. and this is a lot. I wish I didn’t feel this much for him. but at the same time I hope I continue to.

#remarks

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thotyssey · 7 years

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On Point With: BibleGirl666

Arguably the country’s most famous queen who has never been on “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” this entrepreneur and genuine pop scholar has captivated legions of fans the world over with her social media presence, including an especially-devoted Instagram following. She came of age in an era where lowbrow culture was championed by the expansive bombast of MySpace. BibleGIrl666 -- who tellingly drag named herself after her own provocative social media handle from that time (a somewhat misleading one, since this native Floridian and current Brooklynite is actually a Nice Jewish Girl) -- built an entire celebrity persona around the equal-parts celebration and satire of the best of the worst of what pop culture had to offer. Now a more seasoned stage performer at the ripe old age of 24 and the founder of the incredibly successful DragqueenMerch online company, Bible is very much a queen that you need to know. Drag Con, you ain’t ready for this!

Thotyssey: BibleGirl, thank you for talking to us! You were just in London, right?

BibleGirl666: Hello! Thank you for the opportunity to rock out here with you! Yes, I was just in London two weeks ago for DragWorld UK.

Is it surreal to meet fans across the ocean, who only know you from social media?

It transcends surrealism, in all honesty. I go into any kind of convention / travel situation with no expectations because it's like, 'Well, who the fuck am I,' if that makes sense; then once at the event, to be faced with a line of people who just "get" what you do without question is really dope.

It’s always interesting for me to hear from a performer about how much of her drag persona is fully her, and how much is a created character. In your case, BibleGirl is very much a fully-realized character based on those white trashy MySpace girls that came up in the Britney Era: colorful, selfish, messy, fun. Do you think those traits fascinated you on a personal level, or were you just so exposed to that growing up in in that time that that’s all you knew?

I feel like, more so than ever, the character is at her most fleshed-out point to date. The genesis personality, which was that of the aforementioned trashy girls, took hold because that's what I was super intrigued by at 15 on the internet. 2007 was the era of trainwrecks and unapologetic tabloids! Seeing the public's fascination with the tragic headlines fueled by A-listers really resonated with me.

I sometimes miss MySpace! That network sort of encouraged one’s individualism, whereas social media today tends to streamline you to be like everyone else. You can’t even use your drag name on Facebook! But scrolling through peoples’ MySpaces got ridiculous in the end, with all that music and animation people posted on them. Anyway, do you miss MySpace at all?

LOADED QUESTION! I miss the aspects you described, but I don't miss it entirely for the clunky interface and cesspool breeding ground for the cyberbullying which really took root there, in my opinion.

The best way to follow you on social media today is Instagram. Do you consider yourself to be very picky and choosy about what images you post there, or is it always spontaneous?

I used to be super haphazard with my posts, but realized there is an algorithm and a process of finessing an "aesthetic" if you will. I have found that following my own set rules for my account has allowed me to explore character development on more of a multimedia platform rather than in a club.

I do my best to maintain levels of spontaneity, to show who I am on a more personal level, through the Instagram stories feature nowadays.

Recently, Instagram temporarily took down your account under very mysterious circumstances, during a period when it seemed like social media was maybe cracking down on gay content.

The experience was really bizarre, and one of the weirder ones I've had this year. I was in Canada for a couple of shows, and was waiting for a flight to Winnipeg for night #2 at 6 AM, and I watched my account get suspended in what was essentially real time. I woke up before heading to the airport, and checked Instagram with no problem. I got through security, found my gate, and grabbed a seat... only to check Instagram and watch an auto-log out happen. I checked my email thinking I was hacked, but instead had a message saying I violated terms and conditions and was indefinitely suspended. I joke that it's the trip that never happened because I virtually couldn't document it. It took an interview with Unicorn Booty after a week of suspension, and two days after the article’s release, for my account to return with zero explanation.

You have kind of a rabid fanbase, based largely on your amazing pics and your relatable personality that comes through. Can you kind of empathize with a young celebrity queen like Drag Race’s Valentina, who might’ve been overwhelmed by her fans aggressively trolling other queens from her season and then got heat for not regulating it? Like, can a single person even regulate a monstrous online movement like that?

I can empathize with Valentina on more of a level of we are both people that know what we want, and stay in our respective lanes when reaching our goals. I think it's fucked up that people use a reality TV villain narrative to scapegoat micro-aggressions, but maybe that's just me. I do think a more immediate condemning of the trolling from her fanbase would have done everybody a little bit more benefit, but I did find it in bad taste when people were going to her meet-and-greets just so they could film whether or not she hugged fans.

You do get into some trouble now and then for “hurting someone’s feelings” online, be it another queen or whomever. But your drag persona kinda dictates that you have to be a Heather once in awhile for authenticity, right? Are there lines that you don’t cross when it’s time to take a bitch down?

After a lot of trial and error, I've learned to not go for the lowest hanging fruits, as they tend to be the most personal and internally damaging.

I've fine-tuned the infamy channels, and have kept a lot of my humor more pop culture-centric since it's what I know best. Anything pop-adjacent are gifts that keep on giving.

My motto to troll by hails from Brazil: Se me atacar eu vou atacar [you attack me, I attack you]. It proves handy!.

Have you had a “favorite” feud with another queen, if that’s possible?

It's impossible. They're all great when you're the one getting booked.

As far as today in Pop Divadom, fans are having wild and polarizing reactions to Taylor Swift’s new music and videos, and Katy Perry’s as well (but we all seem to be on Team Kesha). Where do you stand with these ladies… who are you loving and who are you hating?

First and foremost, always Team Kesha.

Ultimately, I ride and die with Katy if it’s between her and Taylor. Although problematic, I have never seen Katy as somebody with malicious intentions. Her music has always been really fun, well-executed pop, and that's what originally made me love her. I find her recent public reception rather upsetting, considering how on top of the world she was, re: Prism World Tour. She was always just somebody who did her thing and was inclusive of everybody; I feel that it's been a consistent trait of hers since I first discovered her, like, 10 years ago.

I also feel like noting that she was publicly campaigning for Clinton in 2016, and what 2017 yielded was an avalanche/barrage of god awful press majorly hailing from the likes of Page Six & TMZ, -- both of which are backed by CEOs who have vocalized support for Trump. This also happened to coincide with her album promo release cycle, and that created some weirdly fulfilled prophecy of failure. It just all seems strange to me.

I DIGRESS...I really fucking love Katy's most recent album, Witness, amongst all the flack she's gotten.

Circling back to Taylor: she's somebody who at this stage of the game has been nothing but self-gratuitous / indulgent. As a woman, more power to her for living her best goddamn life in what has been a male-dominated industry in terms of those who can make or break you. That said, now is not the time to be rehashing old fights with celebs. Now is not the time to show the world that squeaky jar of mayonnaise TayTay has a bad girl streak "for a reason” now. There's so much going on in the world, and I think her message misses the mark this year.

That goes without saying that I'm not marginalizing sociopolitical situations via the behaviors of pop stars.

In the past you’ve emphasized that you’re not a “strong” performer -- that you’re like a regular girl feeling her fantasy lip synching into a hairbrush. But I’ve seen clips of you giving very high-energy, fun, splits-and-drops-and-all stage performances recently. Have you become a better stage performer over time, in your opinion, or have you maybe discovered more joy in performing?

In the past I feel like I had been allowing people's opinions to manifest my performance style, and it created a sense of complacency where I thought being bad was all I was capable of. Through growing into myself, and taking some choreo lessons from my friend, Nick Laughlin, I was able to really channel my performance style into being more about exactly what a song makes me feel in that moment, rather than a fully rehearsed number where you can tell I'm counting steps on my face.

After enough time, I've learned drag ain't so serious. If I'm having fun, people vibe off of that. That's the atmosphere I try to bring on stage nowadays, something just bursting at the seams with bright colors, crazy faces, and good-ass time.

What’s your favorite number to do these days?

Kesha's "Let 'Em Talk" of Rainbow is definitely a fave hard-hitter of mine!

youtube

One New York venue where you performed in a lot over the years, Easternbloc, has just closed and will be revamped as the much-different Club Cumming very soon. You and Ruby Roo hosted a fondly-remembered party there called Hellfire Club, and most recently there was Bible Study (hosted by Cameron Cole, Cedric Antonio and yourself). Are you quite sad to see Easternbloc go, or do you think Club Cumming will offer something special?

Easternbloc was the first real gay bar I had been in ever, right after moving to NYC 6 (AHH!) years ago. It was also the first bar to take a chance on me with a reoccurring party. It will forever hold a special place in my heart, where I made so many friends and lost so many memories! I welcome the evolution of the bar; I like being Glass Half Full.

Do you know yet if you’re gonna be involved in Club Cumming after it opens?

I've heard nothing in terms of official return on my end, and that is totally a-okay. That doesn't mean I won't happily be a patron and support a local queer space.

You’ve been hosting / performing at several monthly installments of the “Wallbreaker” benefit shows at Macri Park in Brooklyn, which features a new charity cause and lineup of guest performers each month.

The experience of working Wallbreaker has been nothing short of amazing. It's less about me, and more for what the party is and stands for. I'm happy to see an entire community come together to help support those facing oppression.

What’s in store for the next one?

The next Wallbreaker is on September 14th, and its the ninth installment! Super wild that we're this deep into 2017, period. This month we are raising money for the benefit of Brooklyn Defense Committee, which is an emergency response network for those facing harassment from ICE, whether it pertains to deportation or unannounced home raids.

Aside from Instagram, you’re best known for the wildly successful and essential company you started, DragQueen Merch. This is basically an Amazon for the t-shirts and other promotional items that drag queens sell to fans, where items are printed and directly shipped to order -- eliminating the need for queens to worry about stock and supplies. How long have you been doing this now, and how much of your time does it consume these days? Do you have a large staff?

The business has been running for nearly three years, which is mind-blowing! A lot of my time during the day (aside from my freelance graphic design job) is invested into the site, whether it's strategizing for what's next or setting up pages for queens. Our staff consists of no more than ten people, as far as infrastructure is concerned!

I recently had a queen tell me that she didn’t want to get on your bad side because she wanted to sell her stuff on your site. Are personal relationships / interactions ever a consideration for putting a queen’s stuff on your site, or is it simply that if they agree to whatever the business arrangement is and have the collateral, then it’s all good? Point blank: it's one thing to have an opinion on me. It's another when you have no problem utilizing a non-expense startup system which was founded on wanting to help our industry on a grand scheme outside of TV, and then marginalize me as just some chick who can't actually do drag makeup or dance. I won't allow a negative opinion to dictate who is or isn't on the site, but I always see everything and note who says what. I like to know who's afraid of the “@” symbol.

Okay, let’s talk about this weekend. First of all, Drag Con! What will you be doing at the convention?

Dragcon NYC is gonna be the fuckin' tits. I will be at Booth 557 w/ Rubber Child, Lisa Limbaugh, Trixie Mattel, Amanda Lepore and the House of Avalon! The entire DQM team is going to be on deck as well. Together, we are meeting-and-greeting, along with selling our respective merch ranging from apparel to enamel pins!

Who are you excited to see there?

Honestly? Rubber and Lisa. We only get to see each other during con seasons, or on the off-chance I get to escape to Florida for a weekend. There isn't ever enough time with them.

And you have a stellar lineup in store for a Drag Con afterparty and show you’re hosting at Stonewall on Saturday night: Super Smash Kweenz! We’ll see you there with Lisa and Rubber, plus Brooklyn’s own Daphne Sumtimez, Hystée Lauder, and Cameron Cole, in addition to famous out-of-town performers like Lucy Stoole and Soju.

YES. What gags me the most is that we are throwing the coolest party comprised of local talents of NYC and afar (without an emphasis on drag and TV crossover as the main attraction) at a muthafuckin' gay national monument! All of the performers (including Cameron as DJ) are some of the best and most unique that I have had the pleasure of experiencing shows of and working with!

PS - we don't have a cover or tickets because Drag Con is already corporate enough. If you want a damn good drag show in a rad location, Super Smash Kweenz at Stonewall Inn on Saturday the 9th is where you want to be!

What else is going on with / coming up for you?

At this point in time, I am bound and gagged by contracts until announcements are made! Just note: lots of travel for the next few months, and I couldn't be happier or more excited!

You’re always on many lists as a favorite candidate for a season of Drag Race. Is this something you’re actively pursuing?

It is not something I am currently pursuing. It'll always be a childhood dream, and something I enjoy. I'm a believer in timing, and if my life is circular, I'm not going to try and make it fit within the square hole of reality TV.

Oh, you seem like a good person to ask about this, as an internet-famous and pop-savvy entertainer: what do you think about Lactacia, the 8-year old drag queen? Is she fabulous and wonderful? Is she annoying and demeaning to the art of drag, or a true prodigy? Is she being exploited, or are her parents good role models for what the parents of a drag child should be? Should an extremely underage kid be turning numbers and sass in bars on the stage with Bianca del Rio?

Ohhhhhhhh, I say let the kid live! I love her and what she represents. It doesn't feel exploitative. If anything, it is celebratory, and should be shown as a class act of how to accept your child for who they are -- no matter what they are or how they represent. I think Lactacia is punk as fuck -- and like every good drag queen, is getting into venues underage. She'll be seasoned well before any of us industry-working heifers are.

Okay, last question: What’s the single best piece of advice you can give to anyone, anywhere, who wants to break into drag in 2017?

Do it for you.

Thank you, Bible!

BibleGirl666 appears monthly at Macri Park for the “Wallbreakers” benefit concert on second Thursdays (10pm). Check the Thotyssey calendar for upcoming area appearances, and follow BIble on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, Tumblr and DragQueen Merch.com.

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jkbaws · 7 years

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CHARACTER THESIS Q&A (JENNIE EDITION: LET ME)

to him: when i make promises, they’re never empty. i’d rather die than break one. you might not remember many of them, but one that’s upheld without the need to be mentioned constantly is my loyalty. i know that you know... that i know...! my decisive and firm choices in life, including the stupid and doubtful, have led me to you. i take it as a sign that regardless of what they initially were, i’ve made the right ones and i won’t take this for granted. i promise. you awakened something in me that i long ago believed was null, ignited pleasures in me that i can’t quiet down; pleasures of the mind, pleasures of the body, pleasures of the heart.

someone told me before that if they felt the same for me, that if we were to be, it would have happened already. so i told myself over and over that i’ll never ever again buy into this—as i saw it—crap. it’s because of this scar from the past that a part of me still probably resents that i had to wait, because i was expecting for someone to do it for me this time around. i think, one way or another, i’ll always be insecure that anyone i’ve truly felt for never had to struggle chasing for me. it’s my fault for making it easy, but it would have gone against my beliefs otherwise... i wouldn’t have wished it for another person, especially if they’re someone as important as you turned out to be. basically, if that person is you...

i would question myself before whether i should have taken up on other offers but to pair up with someone with the thought that i can learn in time, hope to fall later on, but it's too big a leap of faith i cannot take. i know everyone of us has our own unique thresholds for what we believe being "in love" means. we should abide by our personal thresholds and put faith in them. but i still wonder if for you falling and staying in love is without choice and reason, like the way i experience it.

this... is just one of the many things i keep pestering you about. i keep nudging you for answers over and over for probably the same questions that’s just worded differently, and i feel sorry because i have an insatiable appetite that requires a lot of patience. i hate to put all this pressure on you. it’s a conflicting feeling of wanting to selfishly keep you who’s been so accommodating and understanding between letting you run free without shouldering my uncertainties. but nothing is ever just black and white. just... this big but organized confusion (that we get to share, heh). and it's why it also amazes me how you see no wrong in me. how? it's common knowledge that we're our own worst critics. it might be that i see all these flaws in me that you don’t but... i still don't understand. even if you think there’s only a few, you... overlook all of them? is that a good thing? if it is, it seems too good to be true. is there really absolutely nothing about me that you dislike? if this is true, then does that mean you feel stronger than i do? i refuse to believe so, pfft.

i think i'll always have this self-doubt within me, no matter how much pride and confidence i show on the outside. but all my worries and my inhibitions, it’s exactly how you said; you kiss them all away, persistently so. you breathe fresh air into the healing process, better than emotional freedom techniques would have. please don’t get tired... i’ll keep trying my best to... well, stay the way that i am, as per your request.

about names, possessions, and everything i have never admitted to anyone: a playground full of children with heroic names and not one of them had earned even a syllable. they grew up to be just as unworthy, feeling entitled from their historical ties and becoming arrogant. they paid lip-service only to the idea of service, and the highest honor being that of serving the community. there is something to be said for growing into a name. at birth, we should all be named after things of nature. flower, sky, river... something that shows what we are in our beginnings, where we come from, not a thing separate. when we show our metal, that we have grit and spirit to do right and bear greatness, then we should be given a name that symbolizes that. then maybe our names will mean something more than just the whim of our times, the fashion of an era, or the aspirations of our parents.

i've earned mine and shaped it to what meaning it holds now. i’m the girl you’ve always heard about; the girl you hear about even more now. it’s why i sing, watch your mouth when you speak my name. how many can say the same for themselves?

i've been driven mad from giving deep meaning, investing emotions and memories in my possessions. to me they have always been what represents my extended self, what provides my sense of past and what tells me who i am, where i've come from, and where i'm going. they are repositories of myself. you, you, and you; you’re all mine. i’m selfish. i can’t have it any other way. it’s hard to just let go. i'd hate for anyone to have dominion over me. why can’t i reciprocate? why can’t i not reciprocate? i’m fire and i need space to burn. fan the flames and let me.

a toast for me right now and for my little secret; the one that i can't let out but can't hardly hold in; the one i can't tell anyone, but want to tell everybody; the one that i'll carry forever, but its weight crushes me. reminders to self: if you don’t want people guessing, don’t give out hints. if you don’t want questions asked, don’t say a word.

to angels: is there really a council standing guard over the big guy in the sky? do you speak of harmony and love? peace and simple joys? ways to live without greed and misery? i don't care about the future. i'd rather find it out for myself, when the right time comes. tell me what i need to know...

questions to death: i don’t even want anything to do with you. it makes me curious when you’ll take me, because i want to know how much time i have. how much is there for me to work with. how long will it take for me to be able to win the legacy that i keep promising myself? i have these questions... but i don’t really want to hear the answer. not yet, at least. i’ll come back for them in a few more decades, in case the science people’s hunches or the prophecies way back from ancient times don’t come true.

to her: with anyone else, i am a lioness. with you, i'm a rabbit. or maybe a chinchilla. anything tiny; anything you can hold within your palms. one look from you and the fight leaves my body. you see me for who i am inside, quell the inferno, transform it to passion for life, career, and even nature. with you my soul is at rest. with you it's content. i love you like a brother, respect you like no other; our spirits kindred. i could no more abandon you than my own child... in the future! it's like you tell my panic to shut up. i don't know how you do it, and i don't need to. knowing that you can, and so effortlessly, is enough.

you aren't simply a good friend. you have become part of my soul. when life became a storm, you were the boat that kept the briny water from entering my lungs. you were love when i needed it and i thank you with all that i am. the storm isn't over. it never will be; the winds rage, seek to crush what they can never be. i have to know my own strength, test it, find truth and liberty, to realize that there is no prison that can hold me. only then will i know that i am doing what i choose to do, that my own love is a choice and that it is a gift to give. at times, i'd have to walk alone and you have to let me but a part of my light stays with you, as part of yours leaves with me, for we are kindred as i told you, twin souls. i will return, and sooner than you might think, with new strength to my legs, to my bones, strong enough to carry you. heaven and prison can't be the same thing, and we'll keep on looking, together.

questions to the body: we're in abundance. not in a typical sort of way. i'm in the shape that i'm confident in. i treat you well. not just you, but also your other half. you may not be able to support me the way the world prefers you did but i take an exception to you. you serve me well, and i've listened to you and adhered to what works best for you. i've been given an intimate awareness that i've never really felt before and because of that i'm happy. i have a wonderful relationship with myself that i can spend a lifetime cultivating.

but things aren't always perfect. especially for me, they never are. everybody has those inner critics that really inhibit them and act as an obstacle to fulfillment and happiness. i sometimes seek shelter outside my own body. what stranger has my soul become?

to the heart: i realize now, it’s love that makes you so strong.

tagged by @babehk @pullstrings tagging @1konic @dalchu @baskuiat @jaeneral (for ur other verses) @consilian (hallo welcome back i can tag u into things again hehehe) @kinqisms @ishyks @leeyjin @inhyelation @vonliber

#echoes.#memes.#this is so long for no good reason

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infinite-beginnings · 7 years

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*emerges from a pile of books* Here! I found another one for you: “The most intimate thing we can do is to allow people we love most see us at our worst. At our lowest. At our weakest. True intimacy happens when nothing is perfect.”— Amy Harmon. Hope you find it inspiring!!! OMG I love you too!!!

Hiiii! Yay, I finally got to another one of your prompts! I hope you like it my darling!!

Jughead let himself into Betty’s house as he always did when her parents were out. Betty had told him that they would be gone all day. Jughead was looking forward to a lazy day spent cuddling with his girl. He had a drink tray with coffee for him and tea for her, and he had some freshly baked muffins in his bag. He hoped that Betty was still sleeping so that he could surprise her with breakfast in bed.

Jughead quietly made his way to the kitchen and set out breakfast. He knew that Betty would probably want to make more food because she knew how much he loved his omelettes. Betty made sure to always make him one whenever he was there in the morning. He just hoped that he could convince his selfless girlfriend to sit and eat her muffin first.

Satisfied with the setup, Jughead headed upstairs to see if Betty was awake. He was slightly disappointed, but not surprised when he saw light streaming from beneath the door. Jughead pushed open the door and entered the warm and pink room. It took him a few seconds to find Betty. She wasn’t on her bed and she wasn’t in her desk chair. Finally he found her, she was sitting on the floor with her back against her bed, facing away from him.

“Betty?” Jughead said hesitantly, sensing that something was wrong. He walked around the bed so he could see her better. She was staring off into space with tear tracks down her face. She had her ADHD pills in one hand and a crumpled piece of paper in the other. Jughead sat on the floor so that he was facing her. He took both objects from her hand. Unfolding the note, he saw that it was a to do list from her mother. “Betty?” Jughead said again, smoothing her hair and wiping the tears from her face. Betty finally acknowledged his presence.

“Juggie” She gave a small smile, looking relieved that he was there. Jughead pulled her into a tight hug, she looked so broken it was like someone had stabbed him in the heart.

“What happen Betts?” Jughead asked when they separated slightly. He leaned back so he could see her face, but kept his hands on her arms.

“My…mom” Betty sniffed, her gaze falling on the list and pills on the floor. Jughead stiffened, knowing how much her mother could affect Betty. “She um…thinks that my life has gotten off track. She thinks I’ve been spending too much time with friends and cheerleading and you…”

“Betty…” Jughead spoke softly, nothing she was saying was new. So what had her so bothered? “What did she say this morning?”

“I don’t normally take my ADHD medication on the weekends, because I don’t need to concentrate so hard and I can usually get my homework done without it since I have two days and it doesn’t matter if I get distracted…but my mom told me that I have to start taking it because she doesn’t think I’m being as effective as I should be…”

“So she told you to take your pills and gave you a to do list to make sure you stayed on track?” Jughead summarized, putting the pieces together. He knew that Betty wasn’t ashamed of her ADHD, she just never wanted it to feel like it was ruling her life. She hated taking pills of any kind, she’d seen her mother take one too many pills to dull the pain. Betty never wanted to be like that. She took her medicine because she needed to, but didn’t take it when she could get away with it.

“It’s so silly, it’s a normal mom thing to do…but it just sent me into a panic. She just kept talking how I couldn’t manage without her and how I am throwing my life away and how I need to get my priorities straight.”

“Betty…what is really behind all of this?” Jughead knew that there was something else that was bothering her. Something deep and unspoken.

“What?” Her eyes flicked up to his

“Is this really about your ADHD or is there something else that is bothering you? You can talk to me.” Jughead coaxed gently. Betty was his lifeline, she had supported him when he told her about his home situation and his dad. She had stood by him fiercely and helped him through the difficult time. She was the only one he felt comfortable with telling his secrets to. Jughead hoped that Betty felt the same way about him.

“I just…I feel like everything my mom does is driven by Polly and her fear of me turning into Polly. What if it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. Her constant meddling and micromanaging is driving me crazy. I feel like one of these days I just going to snap. Mental illness is genetic, what if I can’t avoid what’s coming for me?” Betty was crying again as she talked, getting to the heart of the problem. Jughead had suspected that this was something that she feared and he was glad that she was finally voicing it.

“Betts, you don’t have to be anything that you don’t want to be. You are the strongest person that I know. You may doubt yourself, but I don’t. I know that you can get through whatever life throws at you.”

“But what if I don’t? What if I can’t always be strong?” Betty asked softly

“Then you let yourself fall a bit, but that’s why you have me and all of our friends. We are here to catch you if you fall. It’s not good for you to live with so much stress. You don’t have to worry about being perfect all of the time. I don’t care about any of that. I love this Betty as much as I love the Betty at school who always has a smile. Actually…” Jughead scooted closer and tucked a stray hair behind her ear, “I think I like you better this way.”

“Yeah right” Betty said with a scoff. She had been hanging on Jughead’s every word, soaking up the permission to fall apart, to not hold onto her image of perfection so hard.

“Seriously Betts, I love every part of you and that includes all of your fears and doubts and insecurities.” Jughead said firmly, taking her face in his hands and looking intently into her eyes to make sure that she got the message. Betty stared back, a tear falling from her eye and her bottom lip quivering.

“I love you.” She whispered. Jughead gathered her into his arms, pulling her close. When she started to sob he smoothed her hair and let her cry. He didn’t tell her that it was okay or try to shush her. He let her cry for as long as she needed to. He let her fall apart, knowing that he would be there to help her pick up the pieces.

#bughead #riverdale #jughead jones #betty cooper #jughead x betty #ask #prompt #also dachi I just realized I wasn't following you! so I fixed that :)

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notyetjaded1 · 7 years

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1-117 :) please answer all of them

omg.

don’t mind me as i just use this as an excuse not to stare at my own face until i go to sleep

previously asked questions here & here!

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

Oooooh. The state of the world and politics and equality issues, figuring out my life purpose and real abilities, why I always have the inspiration to film at the most inopportune moments, and fucking taxes, man.

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

Actually…yes! Sometimes! People are super cute.

4: Do you find it easy to trust others?

Fuck no. Not in the slightest. And yet here I am, sharing my life on social media and video. Constantly. Weird.

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?

Sleeping. Because I’m secretly 80 years old. Don’t judge me.

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

No one. Because I don’t get drunk outside of definitely safe spaces. Because I’m paranoid af and, as we just discerned, do not trust people. 8: Are you close with your dad?Relatively, yeah! :D9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?Lol, nope, sadly not. Been a little while now, actually? When did I film that Q&A…? 11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?Water. Because I’d like to survive as a semi-healthy human being. And water is fucking good. 12: Do you like hickeys?Giving or receiving? Giving, fuck yes. Again, I’m a literal vampire who likes biting people far more than I should. Receiving. Ehhhhh. It’s a weird mix of, hey, I like the aesthetic of bruises and all that other pseudo-grunge bullshit and, hey, I don’t like the idea of other people having their physical mark on me. So. Yay. 13: What time do you go to bed?Fuck me, too late. I say as I try to get in bed between 9 pm and 11 pm because I have to be awake at 4:45 am to get ready for work and I know that I am constantly tired. It used to be closer to bewteen like 11 pm and 1 am in my college days and I fucking miss it because I used to be so much more productive, fuck. 14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

Kind of? Yeah, I feel like there are people that I have high hopes and expectations for and yet…they never seem to be able to live up to them. Because there’s a horrid mismatch between their goals and the steps they think they need to take to achieve them. Vague. I know. And yet. But at the same time, when there’s evidence to suggest I shouldn’t trust someone with certain things, I do tend to lower my expectations so they can’t let me down, so there’s that. 15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?Nope, not at all! I am very right handed. 16: Do you always answer your texts?hahaha, no, I’m the worst. I try to get to them within a certain amount of time. But like. I really am the worst with social interactions. I apologize in advance for being a shit human being. 17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?Nope. Because I have no idea who that would be. 20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?How many times have I now seen/watched Jack play Undertale and how the fuck does his screaming help me fall asleep?? 21: Is anyone else in the room with you?Not at the moment! 22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?Not in the karma kind of way; at least not really. Like, self-fulfilling prophecies, sure. You create your own expectations and then either that makes them happen or it makes you on the look out for it. But I do think if you behave a certain way, it’s bound to bite you in the ass. 23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?Not in the slightest. Four months ago fucking sucked, man. All of the family stuff going on + existential crises (literally, could not function, was so anxious) about school + do I/don’t I continue youtube, and all the world bullshit? Yeah, no. 2016? Was not a good time in my life. 25: In the past week, have you cried?I’m not even kidding, I was about a breath away from crying when I saw snow in Denmark. I’m emotional, okay. 26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?Currently? Surprisingly enough, navy blue. 27: Do people ever call you by your last name?Nope! Thankfully not! 28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?LMFAO probably. 29: Do you have a best friend?One best friend? Nah. Really close friends who I adore and appreciate. Absolutely. 30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?…yes because I’m secretly a very jealous and insecure person. 31: Who was your last call/text message from?@dreams–die–today!33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?Yup. 3 of the…4?? people. 34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?Um. Hm. twenty…six…? seven…..? we talked about it and I literally have the worst memory. Sorry. 35: How many more days until your birthday?191. Apparently. 36: Do you have any summer plans yet?Hopefully start a new job!! But we shall see!

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?Very much so. :) 38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?Not necessarily keeping things? Like. Not secrets really. They just never really came up? 39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?Anyone? Not that I can really think of? 40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?Nope, can’t say I have. 41: Do you think age matters in relationships?I mean, yes, to the extent of legality, consent, maturity, and power hierarchies. 42: Are you available?In…what…way? Emotionally? No? Schedule wise? There is nothing on my calendar for 10pm on a Tuesday night? 43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?Real, strong feelings in what way??? 44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?I spent my entire middle and high school life wanting lip piercings. Hardcore wannabe emo kid right here. 45: Do you believe exes can be friends?Absolutely. I think if things ended well and consensually and whatnot, you do you. :) 46: Do you regret anything?LMFAO YES. 47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?Literally too much. Should I be on YouTube, video ideas (anxiety v depression, inspiration v self-criticism, etc.), school, suicide prevention job opportunities, research, clinical work, social mishaps, etc. etc. etc. my mind is a joyous place to live. that’s a lie. 48: Did you ever lose a best friend?Not like…passing away kind of lose, but I have had best friends that I am no longer friends with. 49: Was your last kiss a mistake?Nah, I enjoyed myself. 50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?Because…I don’t actually want a relationship? Plus define like? Plus again, that social anxiety thing. 51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?I…don’t…think so?52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?Literally messaging them right now. 53: What was the last thing you ate?I had some green juice thing? Hello, yes I am from LA, how could you tell? 54: Did you get any compliments today?YES BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE ON TUMBLR MAKE MY HEART SING. 55: Where are you going on your next vacation?Las Vegas, I think? For Backstreet Boys! 56: Do you own anything from other countries?My brother just brought home wine from Israel, does that count? 57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?I think I have a pretty good/even mix of both! 58: Where have you lived most of your life?Los Angeles. Or the surrounding cities. For all my life. 59: When was the last time you took a long drive?Vegas, a few months ago. :) 60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?Once. I was in elementary school. Nothing happened. And then never again after that. 61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?Nope! That would be quite rude! 62: Who do you text the most?Lately?? I actually don’t know?? 63: What was the last movie you saw?Moonlight! 64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?The fact that they don’t exist?? 65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?….one? I think one? Was that 2011……? Fuck, I should ask. I literally don’t recall. 66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?Nope, they’re not! 67: Do you curse around your parents?Yes, because I literally cannot help it. Don’t let me around small children. 68: Are you happy with where you live?Sure, relatively. Especially lately since there’s been actual rain! 69: Picture of yourself?http://shaynainshambles.tumblr.com/tagged/my-face70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?I think both. Which is weird. I like the intimacy of monogamous relationships and I’m a very jealous person? But also like…I like open-ended relationships because intimacy with many people, please yes. 71: Have you ever been dumped?I actually have not. 73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?Um. Yes? Again, that 2/4 people being fwb thing. 74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?the other because I’m a socially awkward fucking mess. 75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?I like hair. Also collar bones. Also arms. Also smile and eyes. And everything. People are just very pretty. 76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?@dreams–die–today, I think?? 77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?Nope! 78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?Nope!! 79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?Jack-motherfucking-septiceye. You all. Literally, you all. getting asks and comments and building a community of human beings. helping people. psychology/inspiring mental health awareness and advocacy and integration. etc. etc. etc. 81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?I feel like that has happened more recently than ever before or ever imagined…82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?About never, actually? 83: Do you miss your last sweetie?Um….what? 84: Last time you slow danced with someone?lmfao 85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?I…think…so…? technically…? briefly??? Idk. I literally don’t know. 86: How can I win your heart?Oh, let me count the ways…figure it out ;p 87: What is your astrological sign?Leo! 88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?Sleeping…89: Do you cook?I mean, if I had to, I could learn, but nope. I can steam vegetables, I am set! 90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?Technically? I often do not talk to my “old flame” for months at a time, but that’s pretty much the usual for us. 92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?I really prefer the multiple close relationship thing. Idk, about dating. Dating is weird. But. Yeah, I think time and making sure you enjoy each other’s company is good before just like…committing.93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?I don’t really. I really am finding myself far more interested in people after I start getting to know them as human beings. Like, physical attraction is great and yes, absolutely a thing. but if I’m interested in them any more than something pretty, I get invested based who they are, etc.? The more you know. 94: Name four things that you wish you had!Money, self-confidence, a supportive and engaged community, the ability to be successfully mindful and productive when I want to be. 95: Are you a player?In what way……? 96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?I….don’t think I have? 97: Are you a tease?Tad bit. Maybe. yes. sorry not sorry. I kind of love it. It’s fun to be flirty and tease and shit, man. 98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?Not yet! 99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?Not like…happily ever after kind of idea of love. But I do deeply care about people. 100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?Absolutely. Ya’ll are fucking lovely. 101: Hugs or Kisses?Mmmmm. Do kisses with hugging involved count? 102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?Very much so. Hello. 103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?Hair. 104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?Can be? I think it’s just a term of endearment. Which I’ve started doing, so who am I to comment. 105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?No??? That’s not okay?? Unless there was consent from all parties involved being like…yes, I am aware and in full, enthusiastic support of this. 106: Do you flirt a lot?Hello, as I’ve said, flirting is my horrible way of connecting with people and stress relief. I’m sorry. If it does bother anyone at all or make them uncomfortable at any point, please do tell me and I will not do it. 107: Your last kiss?happened?? at some point?? 108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?Nope, have not. 109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?Yes? I think it was less than a month ago? 110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?@51centurywoman and/or @thelootqueen because ya’ll are fucking incredible ;p 111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?Uh. I have an assumption but who knows? 112: Does someone like you currently?Apparently?????????????????113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?I have many feelings for people constantly. 114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?Serious flings. 115: Ever made out with just a friend?Glowing endorsement for fwb currently, yes. 116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?I’m honestly not that reliant on relationship status? I really like having people i can have fun with and be intimate with and just like..enjoy and have them enjoy. that makes me beyond happy. 117: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it.Opening the floor to you folks: any other questions? also, what kind of content do you like to see/hear? Also, tell me something positive that happened to you today! Let’s take a moment to focus on the good. :)

#ask #Anonymous

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scottielambchop · 7 years

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My Review of The Summer Set Festival (1/2)

You know, as a 32-year old man, I don’t really feel like I’m all that old. I’m hip, I still have that old devil-may-care attitude, I’m in pretty good shape, I play video games and don’t have many responsibilities. I love music, and I certainly feel that I’m more than open listening to new music and giving it an honest shot.

Then I started my security job at a Minneapolis bar called Psycho Suzi’s and got to know (and befriend) many people in their early 20s. Now, I’ve now come to realize that I don’t know shit. One such coworker recently posted the flyer for Summer Set (a local EDM festival), and only three names sounded familiar to me: Run the Jewels, Die Antwoord, and Zeds Dead—and that last one was only because it’s a Pulp Fiction quote.

So, as an attempt to fit in with these wacky youths, I’ve decided to listen to one song by each band (group) in the order it was written on the flyer and post my initial thoughts on each. It’s like a stream of conscience from hell. Let’s see how this one goes.

Zeds Dead - Frontlines (ft. GG Magree): This girl’s voice is okay, but musically who gives a shit? Oh, never mind; now it’s turned into a goddamn dubstep song. What in the holy fuck have I gotten myself into? It would be a lot cooler if this featured G.G. Allin — and I really hate G.G. Allin

Zedd – Clarity (ft. Foxes): This song sounds like every song played at my gym. It’s fine. I probably would have liked it in, like, 2001 when I went through a bullshit Paul Oakenfold phase. Do you think this guy has a beef with that Zeds Dead group? I guess that would make this festival kinda neat to see how they hash that shit out.

GRiZ – Hard Times: I’m really hoping this is about Dusty Rhodes, but I think I need to get that out of my head right away. This song starts off kinda cool, like a hip hop version of a Reservoir Dogs-type movie intro. Oh, now the dumb bullshit dubstep kicked in and ruined it — should have figured that nothing stays gold in the context of this miserablelittle adventure I’m on. Also, watching this video, you need to understand this this dude is the most stereotypical white guy trying to be a hip hop DJ. It’s like if Edward Snowden put on a hockey jersey and shitty glasses.

Run the Jewels – Run the Jewels: I’ve heard this before. These guys are cool. But then again, I’m a white guy who casually listens to NPR, so of course I like Run the Jewels. My only problem with this song is that I think only Angel Witch and Minor Threat should have titular songs.

Die Antwoord – Ugly Boy: I don’t know how two people can look so much like juggalos but not be lumped into that group. Instead they’re like the best thing to happen to graphic designers since the Adobe Creative Suite. I used to really like these guys but, then again, I used to be really fucking stupid.

RL Grime – Core: This is building up to something that I’m probably gonna hate. Not to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but holy shit was I right. It has buildups that I felt like will have a significant payoff, but then it just does fucking nothing. It’s like audio edging. For fuck’s sake, this song goes nowhere. Well, at least I can say that I also really hate their name.

Datsik – Redemption (ft. Excision): Oh great, I found the official background music to every YouTube vape video. When they inevitably remake the Matrix movies, I fear this is all they’re going to sound like. The track says it features another artist, but the only thing I can hear is some random audio clips. But then I did some research to find out it took TWO separate DJs to make this bullshit.

Post Malone – White Iverson: First of all, this guy needs to land on his basketball references. Second of all, this video has 276,473,194 views—a number I wish I were joking about. This song just sounds like every other modern hip hop song, minimal beat and some dude inaudibly saying dumb shit without a rhyme. Now that I’ve established how milquetoast this song is, I’d really like to comment on how this guy looks. He’s the missing link from Riff Raff and James Franco’s character in Spring Breakers. Seriously, if they were to make a reboot of Malibu’s Most Wanted, casting had better snatch this honkey up QUICK! He seems like an exaggeration of someone trying to appropriate black culture, and it’s heartbreaking no one is calling him on this shit. I can’t wait until we’re in a time of post-Post Malone.

Seven Lions – Worlds Apart (feat. Kerli): Honestly, this starts out okay. Kerli has a pretty voice, the electronic beat isn’t overbearing and the video features bloated images of outer space that you’d probably find on the wall of a “worldly” teenage stoner. I’ve heard way worse. Granted, this could also be my old “techno” fan coming out. There’s a middle dubsteppy part that I could do without, but whatever. Yeah, I didn’t mind this one.

Zomboy – Like A Bitch: Right from the get-go I’m told to, “stop acting like a (woop) and get my hands up.” Here’s the deal, Zomboy: you only get one chance to make a first impression. And you insulting me for not doing what you want isn’t going to make friends with anyone. So, no, I won’t stop acting like a bitch. The mere fact that you keep repeating it, isn’t going to motivate me to do it any faster—if at all. With that said, musically, this also sucks.

Audien – Something Better (ft. Lady Antebellum): Hey! This has a structure of a legit pop song! I don’t know if this project has been beating me down, or if this is actually decent. Don’t get me wrong, it has the really annoying electronic hooks that most modern music has, but compared to some of the garbage I’ve already put in my ears, it’s pretty alright.

Bakermat – One Day: Man, what a progressive song. Nothing says, “heartstring cash grab” better than mixing samples of MLK’s “I Have A Dream” speech and sexy saxophone with generic dancy electronic beats. It honestly sounds like the backing beats to Marky Mark’s “Good Vibrations.” Oh well, at least it was short.

Big Wild – Aftergold: This song sounds like it was tailor-made to be used in the opening narrative of an “inspirational” teen movie. Imagine an opening shot of an urban high school with the main character doing a voice over explaining his life and school, now think of the music that is playing in the background. Yeah, you’ve got it. It’s light and floaty with an array of unique instruments (strings, Taiko drums, etc.) and then sample in some record scratches and electronic noise and that’s it. It’s not offensive. It’s not anything. It’s just a thing.

Bleep Bloop – Slippin: Before I start, I want you to know that it was THIS band that made me venture into this masochistic assignment. It all started when a group of younger coworkers posted the flyer for this festival on social media and expressed their sincere excitement. Now, being the complete asshole I am, decided to shit all over their good time by stating that it sounds like the worst time imaginable. (I was essentially being facetious because I really don’t care what they listen to. But for the record: I’m right). Anyway, after skimming through the names, my eyes caught the name “Bleep Bloop” and everything in me laughed and cried all at the same time. I voiced my opinion about this band without ever hearing them, stating that this just sounds like a generic EDM placeholder until these assholes can figure out something dumber to call themselves.

Cut to a few days later. It’s a Saturday and once we were finished closing up, I decided to invite some coworkers over for drinks. While everyone is over, I take it upon myself to throw on a record that I figured would appeal to many. So I put on my copy of T-Swift’s 1989 (it’s solid pop-gold, fight me). I throw on the record, and it’s mostly well received. At this moment, the person I was giving shit to about Bleep Bloop made his opinion heard by stating that he can’t believe that I would listen to/enjoy 1989, but refuse to open myself up to Bleep Bloop. Now once he said “Bleep Bloop” out loud, I couldn’t help by throw myself into maniacal laughter. I mean, just think about how goddamn stupid that sounds. Imagine your favorite band of all time. Then imagine their name is fucking Bleep Bloop. Now try and defend that band to someone who hasn’t heard them before. It turns into the biggest, most useless uphill battle you’ve ever waged upon someone else. It’s also just really funny for the other person, if you’re dead serious about them.

Okay, now that I’ve got the backstory of this shit-ass band, it’s time to dive into the music.

This is just a series of dumb sound effects. It honestly sounds like it was created on the Playstation version of MTV Music Generator. Then they have remixed versions of a guy saying the same damn thing. It’s seriously giving me a headache. I don’t know why anyone would want to listen to this for enjoyment. It’s really fucking confusing. All in all, it’s exactly what I expected out of a band named Bleep Bloop.

Destructo – Higher: Have you ever seen an action movie from the late 90’s/early 00’s where the protagonist has to kill a mafia boss in the middle of a douchey club? You know, those scenes where in which shit really escalates into a full-blown gun fight and the fire alarm goes off making everything wet creating a unique aesthetic? Yeah, this is the shitty music playing at the beginning of the scene that lets the viewer know that the location really sucks. The video is blatantly alluding to straight-up heroin/sex addiction—it’s pretty glamorous. And then she dies at the end from a broken heart while some guy repeats, “get higher, baby.” All in all, better than other stuff already reviewed on this godforsaken list.

Ghastly – We Might Fall (ft. Matthew Koma): This video started out by saying “Dubstep Electro House” which is weird because I can almost guarantee it should just say “whiny dude singing over bullshit.” It started off slow with dumb vocals, then it slowly built up to a techno climax (which is also a medical term for when you ejaculate lasers) with a high-pitched autotune. And then it repeats. Whatever, it sucks, but it’s fine.

Well folks, that’s it for the first half. I’m currently waiting on edits for the second. I’m sure you’re waiting with baited breath. Trust me, it fucking sucks.

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fadingfartconnoisseur · 7 years

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A Different 24 Hours in Philadelphia, My Former Least Favorite City

If you had a chance to revisit your least favorite city, would you go? Recently I got an interesting opportunity in my inbox. Booking.com invited me to visit my least favorite city for 24 hours and give it a second chance, staying in really nice accommodation and doing lots of nice activities.

I was intrigued, and I immediately knew the city to visit: Philadelphia.

I’ve been to Philadelphia somewhere around eight times. And while I don’t hate the city, I’ve never really liked it. It’s always felt small and dirty to me, short on attractions and limited in focus. As a native Bostonian, Philadelphia feels like it has all of Boston’s worst qualities but none of the best.

But I knew it had to be better. My sister loves it, to start, and so do many of my travel blogger friends. Additionally, almost all of my Philly visits were pre-blog; the lone visit post-blog was mainly hanging out in the suburbs with my friends Kelly Anne and Dave and only briefly venturing into the city. I’ve changed a lot as a person since then, and my travel style has changed significantly as well.

Plus, Philly is only 90 minutes away from New York by train. That is so close! How nice would it be if I had a city I loved that close by?

Switching to Holiday Mode

Booking.com has been researching how people can make their trips better by de-stressing in advance and planning for a relaxing trip. It’s all about taking care of your mind and body, getting yourself to a good place so you can see your destination at your best self.

For me, I didn’t want to end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy. I would genuinely go into Philadelphia with an open mind this time. I would take care of myself, I wouldn’t push too many activities, I would spend time outside and do lots of walking.

This would be different from my past trips. No cheesesteaks. No South Street. No Liberty Bell. No running up the steps of the art museum like Rocky. I would spend my 24 hours enjoying the city the way I wanted to.

By 5:30 PM, I was checked into my accommodation and I started the clock.

5:30 PM: Get settled in at ROOST Midtown

While a lot of people will head out right away, I think it’s important to take a moment and relax for a bit. Heading straight out after arriving is more likely to stress me out; I prefer to take a few moments of quiet solitude.

And what a place to enjoy that solitude.

ROOST Midtown is a condo-style hotel in Center City. It felt more like a private residence than a hotel and it was so big I could have done several cartwheels across the space.

This mid-century desk was the perfect spot to answer emails and get some last-minute work done.

Unusually, the bedroom didn’t have windows, but it did have an open loft to the living room which let in some natural light.

The bathroom was modern and stocked with adorable amenities.

This had all the pluses of an Airbnb — an apartment-like setup, self-catering facilities, laundry, and an awesome clubhouse on the roof — with none of the minuses, like having to coordinate being around at the same time so you can check in. I got the amenities I wanted with the privacy, discretion, and anonymity of a hotel’s front desk.

After a quick recharge, I headed out to explore.

6:30 PM: The Beautiful Streets Around Rittenhouse Square

Rittenhouse Square was a short walk away from my accommodation. This green space is one of the prettiest parks in Center City. But even better were the houses in the surrounding streets.

It amazed me how much the architecture varied in this neighborhood, yet how cohesive it was! There were moments when I felt like I was in Amsterdam, or Savannah, or even Harlem!

I’ve loved driving around and looking at fancy houses since I was a kid. Now that I’m grown, I still love walking around city neighborhoods and checking out the fabulous homes.

7:30 PM: Glass of Champagne

The secret to solo female travel confidence? Drink champagne. It immediately makes you the most interesting person in the room. I’m still shocked by how much that post resonated. Years later, girls still send me pictures of themselves drinking bubbly, saying, “Now I drink champagne just like you!”

Twenty Manning, with its elegant bar and dark wood tables, was a lovely restaurant for a pre-dinner drink.

8:30 PM: Tasting Menu at Talula’s Garden

I got a lot of recommendations for high-end Philly restaurants, mostly for high-end Israeli restaurant Zahav, followed by the French-influenced Laurel, but both were booked solid. Instead, I searched OpenTable and found Talula’s Garden, a restaurant specializing in local, seasonal cuisine.

I love eating local whenever possible, and seeking out local chefs’ takes on their region. (Even though New York local and Philly local is pretty much the same. Many of our local farms are in Pennsylvania!)

So how was it? OH MY GOD. This is one of the best meals I’ve had in recent memory. Seriously. And ten courses for $100 might sound crazy, but it was great value for food this good.

If you eat a la carte, my favorite dishes were the fried green tomato with smoked jalapeño, the seared scallop with smoky bacon and riddled cornbread, the grass-fed beef pappardelle bolognese, the “Jewel of Summer” soft cheese with peaches, and the blueberry apricot tarte tatin. I didn’t do the wine pairings but got a glass of white and a glass of red that the waitress recommended, as well as the included sparkling wine, and all three were spectacular.

As I left, my waitress told me, “I wish more women were like you — taking themselves out for a tasting menu, just because!”

“Oh, I’m actually a travel writer on assignment,” I said apologetically. “But I agree — women should! It’s something special to do for yourself!”

Talula’s Garden was easily the best thing I did in Philadelphia, and I recommend them highly.

11:00 PM: Cocktail at Hop Sing Laundromat

The entrance to this speakeasy is intimidating. Set in the middle of Chinatown behind a nondescript door, I got in line behind the one girl standing there and we waited for the door to open.

Finally, a Steve Harvey-looking dude poked his head out and demanded to know why we were there. “I’m here for my friend’s birthday party!” she yelped and was immediately let in.

“What about you?” he said with a glare.

“I — I just heard this was a good place!” I squeaked. “I just, you know, I’m alone but I thought it would be nice to check out, maybe have a cocktail…”

He sighed and let me in.

The girl and I were ordered to sit down and listen to the rules. Absolutely no photography. No bar photos, no selfies, no social media videos, no Instagram, and if you violated that, you would be kicked out immediately.

Got it.

The girl headed back to her group; I went to the bar, where there were only two chairs and I was the sole patron. Kind of weird for a Thursday night. I had a tasty gin and cucumber cocktail and briefly chatted with the bartender, but empty bars are a bit depressing when you’re solo, and I left after finishing the drink.

12:00 AM: Bedtime!

8:30 AM: Breakfast at Federal Donuts

I met up with my friend Dave for breakfast at Federal Donuts. (Do check out their website if you’re on a desktop — it’s hilarious!) This place is famous for tender, sweet donuts, and the fact that they serve them alongside fried chicken. If chicken and waffles makes so much sense, why not chicken and donuts?

To my dismay, chicken was not served until 11:00 AM, but the donut was no consolation prize. My peach cobbler donut was astoundingly fresh. I could have eaten another one right there.

9:15 AM: Coffee at Elixr Coffee Roasters

Coffee is always a priority for me, and I personally held off from getting coffee at Federal Donuts so I could enjoy an artisanal shop nearby. I decided to check out Elixr Coffee Roasters — a cool industrial space that catered to a wide variety of people. My flat white? Delicious!

10:15 AM: Mütter Museum

The strangest and most macabre attraction in Philadelphia is the Mütter Museum: a collection of medical abnormalities. You’ll find things like preserved diseased body parts and skeletons of all kinds, most of them deformed somehow. I love quirky and unusual museums, so this sounded like it could be fun.

I’ll be honest: I did not like this place. It was too disgusting for me. I had to actively suppress the urge to vomit the whole time.

But hey, don’t let that stop you. You might like it.

11:00 AM: Lavender Latte at Peddler Coffee

In my research I discovered that Peddler Coffee was a good midpoint between the Mutter Museum and the Barnes Foundation — and that they made a lavender latte with their own homemade lavender syrup. I’m still dreaming of the lavender spiced mocha I had in Savannah last year, so that was a must!

It was absolutely worth the stop. Definitely my favorite coffee of the trip.

12:00 PM: Barnes Foundation

This is an incredible collection of art. The Barnes Foundation is a stunning collection of art with a crazy history behind it. Dr. Albert Barnes amassed an incredible collection of art over the course of his lifetime and meant for it to be kept together in his home following his death; things did not go to plan. It’s the subject of the Netflix documentary The Art of the Steal.

There are tons of Matisses here, a handful of Picassos, a Van Gogh, some Renoirs, and hundreds of paintings by other artists, stacked up on top of each other in little rooms. I loved how it was structured — it felt far more intimate than most art museums.

Tip: get the app before you go! The Barnes Foundation has an audio guide that you can use on your phone.

1:45 PM: Reading Terminal Market

I’m surprised I missed Reading Terminal Market on all my Philly visits so far. This food market features dozens of food stalls hawking everything from Cajun eats to bakeries owned by the Amish.

(Tip: Please don’t photograph the Amish. Being photographed is against their beliefs. Though the women working here may be used to being photographed without their consent, that doesn’t mean that you should take advantage of that.)

The dish that came with the highest recommendation was DiNic’s roast pork sandwich, topped with sharp provolone and broccoli rabe. It’s been on lots of lists of “best sandwiches in America.” The verdict? Pretty good, but not life-changing by any stretch.

My friends warned me that the market would be super busy around lunch time, and they were right. It was a bit much for me.

3:00 PM: Philadelphia’s Magic Gardens

Artist Isaiah Zagar has dedicated himself to beautifying Philadelphia’s neighborhoods with his art since the 1960s. In the mid-90s, he began working on a lot on South Street, and in 2008, Philadelphia’s Magic Gardens were open to the public.

Today they are a beautiful place to wander, a place that hosts artistic events — and Instagram gold. My biggest surprise was that it wasn’t full of Instagrammers trying to get the perfect shot in every direction!

4:00 PM: Capogiro Gelato

I met up with Dave again for a gelato break! Capogiro‘s gelato isn’t like what I’ve had in Italy, but it was delicious nonetheless — incredibly creamy and smooth. Black Fig and Peaches and Cream were solid flavors.

4:45 PM: Browsing at Joseph Fox Bookshop

I’m always down to check out an independent bookstore. Joseph Fox Shop has an interesting array of books, including many from small presses I’ve never seen before. For a tiny place, they have strong sections on feminism, African-American studies, and cultural American studies.

I picked up a few essay collections by Roxane Gay and Zadie Smith.

5:30 PM: And that’s 24 hours!

That was my itinerary and it worked for me — but I should point out that this is a rushed itinerary for most people. I tend to sightsee very quickly when traveling solo and even for me this was a bit quicker than I would have liked to go.

Other than that, I was happy with how I spent my time.

Bonus Itinerary: Fishtown

Some of my favorite Philly experiences happened in the final evening after the 24 hours was up, so I’ll include them here:

That night I headed to Fishtown, which people are calling Philadelphia’s new hipster neighborhood. Truth be told, there were parts that looked exactly like Bushwick, Brooklyn.

I got dinner at the highly recommended Wm. Mulherin’s Sons (probably the worst restaurant name I’ve ever heard) and thoroughly enjoyed my double margherita pizza (regular mozzarella AND burrata!) and glass of lambrusco. The pizza was pillowy — an utter delight.

Next, I walked a few blocks down to ROOT to enjoy sparkling rosé with my lovely reader Maria and her friends Whitney and Naomi. Shortly after, my friend Jeff came to join us. ROOT is a fun wine bar with a great atmosphere in the heart of Fishtown.

The next morning, I headed to La Colombe for a gorgeous flat white before grabbing a Lyft and heading back to the train station. I’ve seen La Colombes in Boston and New York but I had no idea they were originally from Philly!

So how did I feel about Philadelphia this time around?

I enjoyed Philadelphia more this time around than I ever have before. Why? Because I visited on my own terms.

I’m no longer the 18-year-old who went to Philly with her glee club friends. I’m not going to visit a new city, have a group dinner at Cosí, take group photos in condom shops, and leave with new piercings. I like to think I’ve matured a bit since then.

Would I go back? Absolutely. I would come back for the food scene, the coffee, the wine, the cocktails, to stroll and enjoy the architecture, and to hang out in Fishtown. And especially to spend time with my friends.

I wouldn’t come back for the sights, though. While I loved the Barnes Foundation and enjoyed the Magical Gardens, I wasn’t overall impressed with Philadelphia’s sights. In fact, I found myself to be irritated by the crowds that swarmed the sights, much more so in other cities. Why is that? I’m not sure.

Philadelphia is so much better when you get off the beaten tourist path. If you haven’t been enjoying the city, perhaps that’s the problem. Go explore the cool neighborhoods and jump into the food scene. I think you’ll be surprised at what you find.

Essential Info: I stayed at ROOST Midtown, a condo-like apartment hotel in Center City. I loved the location, the spaciousness, and the clubhouse upstairs. This is a great option for accommodation in Philadelphia and I recommend it to others. Note that the sign on the building is discreet — they can’t put up a big sign because it’s a historic building. Google Maps sends you to the right spot. Rates from $162.

Talula’s Garden offers a ten-course tasting menu for $100 plus $50 for wine pairings; they’ll include a glass of sparkling wine and an espresso if you don’t do the pairings. They also offer à la carte menus.

Admission to the Mütter Museum is $18 for adults, $16 for seniors, $13 for youths and students, and free for children under 5.

Admission to the Barnes Foundation is $25 for adults, $23 for seniors, $10 on weekends and free otherwise for college students, $10 for youths, and free for children under 5.

Admission to Philadelphia’s Magical Gardens is $10 for adults, $8 for students and seniors, and $5 for children under 5.

I found it cheap and easy to get around Philadelphia using Lyft. Most rides cost around $6 before tip; to Fishtown and back was closer to $12.

This campaign is brought to you by Booking.com, who covered my stay in Philadelphia and monetarily compensated me. All opinions, as always, are my own.

Have you been to Philadelphia? What did you think?

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