swallowingobscurity

[swallowingobscurity]

sorry i unpacked all my trauma do you still wanna kiss

[swallowingobscurity]

something about being 22 and having a life crisis. the judgement i feel from those older than me just makes me feel worse. i feel myself getting really exhausted of not being sure of anything. everyone says that your 20s are uncertain, but it is hard to be uncertain. to not know if you’re ready for the career path you’ve chosen, which for me means going to grad school. the worry that keeps spinning in your head. what if you can’t make enough money? being home would actually be so unhealthy for your mental health. and wishfully thinking that you want to runaway and be a herbalist in a cottage somewhere warm, where you can forage barefoot all day, and read books in your hammock. i just want life to be simple, but it isn’t.

[swallowingobscurity]

you will find them. the ones that will stay up until midnight and talk about the universe with you. the ones that will hold hands at sunset like little kids do. because life is too short not to show affection. the ones that will take pictures of you when you aren’t looking. and then show you later. there will be people who’s faces light up every time you smile. you will find them. the ones that will ask you questions and listen with interest. they will cuddle up on the couch and watch mamma mia with you. you will find your friends. the ones who love you unconditionally and show up for you in the ways you’ve always dreamed of. you’ll find them.

[swallowingobscurity]

imagine being the one who always gives the most love and energy into relationships, and yet you’ve just become the shadow to friends. only visible when they need to talk. always wondering why you haven’t received the same energy back. why can’t you have someone for once? people have intentions behind their actions.

[swallowingobscurity]

protect your energy. you deserve people that want to be around. you deserve not to be second choice. stop giving away your energy to people who don’t give any back. you deserve more.

[swallowingobscurity]

what an isolating experience that no one will ever know what it’s like to be in your mind or body. that no one will ever feel the depth of your emotions like you do. what a beautiful and lonely part of existence.

#thoughts #loneliest #loner life #empathy #existential musings #existential thoughts

[swallowingobscurity]

imagine being the first ancient person to realize that the ocean and their tears taste the same. imagine realizing that your sorrow and the waves share a taste. i wouldve gone crazy

[swallowingobscurity]

maybe i’m only meant to be here to give my love and receive it. maybe that’s my purpose. but if it is my purpose, why do i find myself yearning for the love that always breaks my heart?

[swallowingobscurity]

no one tells you how hard it is when you actually meet the right person when they still need to work on themselves. and your left wondering what it could’ve been.

[swallowingobscurity]

Ada Limón, from “Salvage”, The Hurting Kind

[swallowingobscurity]

[swallowingobscurity]

gray. most people find it bland. the color gray: i seem to find myself surrounded by it. it looks to be so lifeless, so unfortunate.

i wonder if gray ever gets tired of being gray. if it ever wants to be another color other than just plain old gray.maybe it wants to be colorful.

like the green leaves that sprout in spring. if it wants to be the sprinkles of freckles on a little kid’s cheeks searching for leaves to press in their book.

i wonder if it ever thinks about being the color of sunshine. the golden rays that peak through clouds and sparkle off of lakes and oceans. the yellow that turns to the burnt orange of logs on a campfire. like the sound of laughter that makes the flames jump with sparks and crackles so deep that you can feel it in your chest.

i wonder if gray ever thinks about being a color that people love. the color that warms the chilling cold off of babies cheeks. the pink that nips your nose when december arrives and your hands feel like they’ll never feel like they’ll move again.

i wonder if gray ever thinks to be different. if it ever feels lonely, if it ever feels terribly alone in a world filled with colors so bright they hurt your eyes.

does gray ever wonder?

[swallowingobscurity]

Fernando Pessoa // Anaïs Nin

[swallowingobscurity]

[swallowingobscurity]

sometimes i wish i wrote with pencil.

i could erase all my words,

all the marks i’ve put on the paper.

sometimes i wish i wrote with pencil.

i could make the ugly parts of me disappear,

the parts that put me in boxes of shame.

sometimes i wish i had a pencil

so i could obliterate the agony.

just delete

erase

cut and don’t paste.

#sorry for being depressing #depressing shit #sad poetry #sad but true #depressing post #poetry #poem #sadcore #tw depressing stuff

[swallowingobscurity]

i feel death come upon me.

i look at myself,

imploring to stay just a little longer,

that there must be something

worth living for.

and i repeat

repeat

repeat.

until repetition follows me through my days,

and i wish to take it back.

i wish that death would hasten to find me at my door.

#depressing shit #tw depressing stuff #depressing post #sorry for being depressing #writing #excerpt from a story i'll never write #writers on tumblr

[swallowingobscurity]

does anything really matter? did anything matter in the first place?

#depressing shit #thoughts #sad poetry #sad but true