sleep-onnet

[sleep-onnet]

Trying it Out

I start with the ending already in mind

Seeing how quickly I can melt cloud nine

Tying knots on vapor beneath my feet

I toss the lead down to a mirrored me

If the line is taut, I leap

because if the line is taut I see

how it ends

Rope burns, they won't be healing anymore

I've climbed too far up this time, for sure

Before anything happens, if at all

I brace myself for the fall

#poem #thoughts #poetry #writing #sleeponnet

[sleep-onnet]

Finders Keepers

You've left behind a smile on my bedside table

So I guess I'll be hearing it as I fall asleep

#poem #thoughts #poetry #writing #sleeponnet #poems #writings

[sleep-onnet]

Four Right Turns

I’m stuck inside faulty flowcharts and false dichotomies I think 

I think I can handle the uncertainty if I spend enough time rehearsing 

Rehearsing for goodbyes that haven't happened yet 

Yet I don’t think I’m prepared to fast forward through the grief when it comes

When it comes it will still blindside me because how can I know I've considered everything 

I know I've considered everything, I brace myself for impact and yet I am even less prepared than before it seems 

It seems I’m stuck inside faulty flowcharts

#writing #poem #thoughts #poetry #sleeponnet #poems #writings

[sleep-onnet]

A Not-So-Modest Proposal

I think once a writer has written enough good material, they shouldn’t be allowed to keep writing more.

Like there’s only a limited number of ways to arrange words in this language, I reckon they need to leave some permutations for the rest of us.

Oh, you’re on book four of a five-book series? Sorry girl, you’ve hit your good-material limit, no can do, better scrap that finale.

Or: “Sorry Steven King, you’ve hit your quota. No more short stories from you”

Yeah. 

This is a great idea.

#sleeponnet #writing #comedy #joke #maybe #or am I entirely serious #who knows #ideas are a scarce limited resource #WWIII will be fought over ideas #honestly might not even be too far off

[sleep-onnet]

Airflow

I wish to be your inhale

Your cup of coffee made just right

The first curtains you open to welcome in the light

‎‎ 　 ‎

I wish to be your exhale

Your bed with fresh sheets

That last lamp you turn off before you go to sleep

[sleep-onnet]

A Bad Idea

I used to think being inspired was embarrassing,

Like art and good ideas only come from within, from the unconscious soup of abstract ideas

And if any idea was obviously traceable to something external

Then I'd have failed as an idea-haver

That was a bad idea probably

#poem #thoughts #writing #poetry #sleeponnet #poems #joke #writings

[sleep-onnet]

Stop and Smell

Stumbled out the door with an unyielding heartrate

One of those days that I don't get a say

Always chasing, an arm's length too late

But the flowers say I'll be okay

[sleep-onnet]

Sometimes Your Eyes Are Blue

In this moment, right now, I look into your eyes

and I'm convinced that I can feel the Gears turning.

Turning, invisible, to the human eye

Turning, implacable, by you and I

Turning, infallible, even if felt otherwise

And no matter how much I plead them to halt

No matter how much I need them to halt

Against my will, they still turn

Turning, unimpressed by what they see

Turning, unfazed by a monumental grief

Turning, uncaring, and I realize it's just me,

Assigning antagonistic intention to the powers that be

My mind then wanders to the paper-thin present

And I think about future me

Looking back on this moment, looking to relive it in any way

And I think about past me,

Not having lived this moment, somehow looking forward to it anyway

And I think about present me, here in my head

Looking at all of this from outside

Anywhere but the present

But at the same time, somehow completely present

In this moment, right now, looking into your eyes

And they are beautiful

#poem #thoughts #poetry #writing #poems #writings

[sleep-onnet]

Connections

You've always been a connector

A connector?

Holding entire worlds together with a common kindness

And lacking meaningful knowledge of any

Your compassion seeking no commiseration

Just an anxious people pleaser

A complex connector, coupling confidence and cowardice

I'm good at pretending

A courageous connector, content with constant collision and a lack of continuity

Did I have much of a choice?

I admire you, it's very impressive

If only you saw behind the curtain

Hey... shut the fuck up

What?

Shut the fuck up

What, me??

Yeah you, shut the fuck up. Not helping.

I'm just balancing out your naive optimism with some healthy skepticism

Healthy? You think this is healthy??

Yeah?

All you do is criticize and cast doubt. If you think this is "healthy skepticism" then you should probably be skeptical of your grasp on the English language

...You gonna say something??

Ah, finally, some fucking silence in here.

Gotta say, it's really nice up here without you.

...I was just trying to help

By causing me to overthink every single fucking decision I make in my life? Wow thanks a ton, very fucking helpful.

Hey, not cool.

Shut the fuck up

Not. Cool.

Shut the fuck up, not listening to you

You don't have to be THAT harsh

After all you've done to me?? You have some guts to say that. Now shut up and fuck off.

So you know how it feels, and yet you insist on doing it back?

Shut the fuck up.

You know what? Fuck you.

This pretentious "poem" was supposed to end a couple lines ago, with my line.

We could've just ended it up there and left it up to the reader, if you have any that is. We could've just moved on and we could've kept writing more mediocre "poetry" that's really just you complaining, with your line breaks and occasional rhymes because that's what you think poetry is. And then it just gets buried in the noise of the internet, and no one gets hurt, and you get your satisfaction of being an artist or whatever

Hey. Shut the fuck up. You're doing it again

You know I have a point.

You're not helping. This is why I-

And instead you decided to ruin everything by doing this meta self-aware thing that's been SO fucking overdone.

I mean seriously. Splintering off your inner critic and having a confrontational conversation with it as a metaphor for dealing with self doubt? How fucking original man. Let me guess, you were gonna have them fight, and then after a bit they discover they have a commonality about "wanting to help" and then have them reconcile in the end circling back to the "connector" thing you were writing about in the start? And then your inner critic learns a lesson and never says anything again and you live happily ever after? Do they hug it out at the end too? I mean I knew you were naive but jeez man, that's so painfully unrealistic, it's laughable. That's not how the real world works. That's not how you and I work. You know that, but you're not ready to face it yet. So you dumb it down into a cute little contained story and put a bow on it so you can actually understand it

Hey shu-

IM NOT FINISHED

I mean you don't even have an internal monologue, all of this is for dramatic effect, all a performance at the end of the day. Who do you think is gonna clap for you? And you don't even get paid for it, what a waste of your time. If you were a truly good person you'd spend this time volunteering, or working, so you can donate your money to charity. But instead you choose to do this.

Aaaand right about now you're probably patting yourself on the back now because of how profound you think this is. And now you're imagining the praise you could get by putting this ramble into the world, that praise you crave so badly. And by making it so self-aware and self-critical so you can brag about how it's postmodern or whatever when you and I both know it's just a cheap way to shield yourself from any criticism. Because if you criticize yourself first, then no one can hurt you because you "already knew that" Right?? Right?? Am I wrong???

Hey, people need hobbies and rest, man. I need hobbies and rest. Your logic doesn't make sense. So the most virtuous thing to do would be to overwork myself into dust and donate all my wages and die young?

And the second part?? What's your rebuttal??? Please tell us all so we at least learn something from reading this long, cynical, depressing thing, when we could've been going outside, or watching a funny video, or reading things we actually enjoyed, something actually valuable. And, this is assuming people are still reading at this point, ha.

I...don't know.

I don't have an answer for you right now.

And honestly, I don't think I'll ever have one that will satisfy you.

And I think that's okay. I don't think I need one.

I enjoy writing, so even if no one reads it, it'll have made me happier. And that's enough. I don't need to meet your expectations, I don't need to impress anyone, I don't need anyone's praise, even if I would enjoy it, even if I crave it.

And as I was writing and rereading this, I've discovered some things about myself, so I'm proud of myself for that.

And you're right, it's a lot more complex than a neat and concise story of learning a lesson, and we probably can't reconcile through a single conversation and live happily ever after. If it was that easy then people wouldn't struggle with this so much.

But I'm willing to try with you, and I know you're willing to try with me. And this metaphor kind of falls apart here but that's okay.

And I think I was a little harsh on you earlier, I'm sorry. I'll let you have your space, and let you talk. Because you're as much a part of me as I am. I apologize for trying to entirely silence you.

...Fine.

I can't guarantee that I'll listen to your advice, (at all, or ever to be very honest, you're not the most charming person to channel) but trying to suppress anything you say isn't realistic, and it's tiring for me to do too.

I'm glad.

And I do appreciate you keeping me in check sometimes, because I can and do get ahead of myself a bit sometimes. So thank you for that.

...

I guess I'll just have to live with you, and you'll have to live with me.

And you know what? It could be worse.

...

Now, I don't have a nice way to tie this all together here in the end, and I do feel a bit cornered by myself. Because if I were to circle back to the "connector" thing here then it'd be kind of cliché wouldn't it?

Yeah, it would be.

#thoughts #poem #poetry #writing #poems #writings #sleeponnet #long reads #long poem #overthinking #rambles #caffeine #anxiety #kindness #love #patience

[sleep-onnet]

Too Many Movies, Not Enough Writing

As much as I wanted my return to writing, and my overcoming of my writer's block, to be the climax of a tear-jerker film

Inspired by a sparkly, spontaneous monologue by the love of my life, backed by a Hans Zimmer score and shot with a 2-hour video essay's worth of cinematography

Or by a dramatic character death that teaches me to Carpe Diem and disrupt the social order inside my English class

It actually happens on a Saturday morning at 8:21 am, sat sleep deprived in seat 8F, flying economy on a rather uneventful morning domestic flight to Washington DC.

I don't get a premonition of my death,

The pilot does not pass out,

And there really isn't much of a need for a doctor on this flight.

The writing actually happens when I decide enough is enough and I open up my Notes app to start throwing words together until they make sentences

Too tired to care if they're good, or if they even make sense at all

But I wrote this

#thoughts #writing #poetry #poem #writings

[sleep-onnet]

Self-Help

A younger, wiser man

Grabs my shoulder from behind

And scolds me gently, out of time

Saying "Far too long you've spent unkind

Trying to clip the wings of our flyaway mind"

And then he smiles and lets go,

To show me I've done it before

#poem #thoughts #poetry #writing #short poem #poems

[sleep-onnet]

This One Right Here, Please

What are you scared that you missed?

A couple crucial moments?

You wonder where you'd be if only you had had them

ㅤ

But haven't you forgot

About those couple crucial moments?

And you wonder where you've been for so, so long

#poem #thoughts #poetry #writing #poems

[sleep-onnet]

Now Hiring:

Looking for a qualified accountant with specialized knowledge in navigating through the creative bankruptcy process

2-3 years of previous experience unwarranted

Work from home (must agree to have your home become our office)

Join our certified bog-standard team culture

Will be paid in exposure to the elements

#writing #thoughts #jokes #joke

[sleep-onnet]

Laundry Day

Today was laundry day

And I got the laundry done today (hooray)

I didn’t get any work done though

So I'm glad it was just laundry day

And not laundry-and-work day

#writing #poem #thoughts

[sleep-onnet]

You Have My Word

After the end

we're left staring out at the night air

behind the safety of a closed window

a silence is exchanged

comfortably, and we breathe through time

until I notice the words lodged in your throat

ㅤ

I hold your hand and squeeze

in an "is there something on your mind"

Or maybe it was an "are you okay"

Or perhaps a "we'll be okay"

I'm not sure which

But I think I think you understand

#poem #poetry #writing #thoughts

[sleep-onnet]

Uncomfortably Present

I look up and stare at it in the eyes

Wide open when I hold it, and I keep holding

On even when the dullness pushes against

My head, attached still to the routines

Of someone who thought cutting out

From the now was the way to deal with

The discomfort

#poem #thoughts #poetry #writing #poems

[sleep-onnet]

The Boulder Enjoys Your Company

Easy to forget

There exists a pretty view

On the way down too

#haiku #writing #I need to remember #poem