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selfcareserenade · 11 months

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Rewriting Myself

Back then, I was addicted to the exciting feeling of knowing someone for the first time. I also love the feeling of introducing myself to someone for the first time. I guess it's because I like being able to be a new person again, be the version of myself that maybe cannot be shown to other people who have known me and already had their idea of who I am. I can determine how I want to be perceived and I think it's a wonderful opportunity to reinvent myself. Just like someone going on a first date, they dressed up their best in hope that the other person would like what they see at first glance. Recently, I thought again about this. I haven't felt that burst again for so long. Sometimes I am curious on how would it feel to be pregnant. How would it feel having something to protect to inside your body. And it made me ponder, why can't I do the same to my own belly? The fat made me feel like I'm not worth it because I don't have a thin figure. I just realized that my thoughts are reflected in my body language. The gesture gave away in telling others that I don't even think that I love me. Our flaws are more visible to us than to other people. But the absence of confidence shows, and how can we expect people to respect us when we can't even do the same? If we as the inhibitant of this body are not satisfied with ourselves, how can we put the hope of fixing us in someone else? And now, if I have to list good things about myself, I am that clueless. It almost feels like I can not even think of a single valuable trait of me. I was so used to frame myself as this helpless victim. I am a bad storyteller about my own life. I always put myself not as the protagonist, but as someone who is full of flaws and dark side that is struggling to find a reason to live. I am too focused on the negative part of myself. So the narrative that I always told to my subconsciousness is never in a positive tone. When I am being faced to a condition that I have to present the best of me, I get confused. I don't know what's worthy of me, because I was so used to the idea that I was never good enough. And I will never believe if someone else told me so, because that's what I've been telling myself for years: I can't do anything because I am just lame. Truly, I am the one who has disabled myself. So in the journey to find ourselves, if we cannot tell stories about ourselves in a positive light, we will never believe that we are, indeed, a human being who is worthy to live. We have to make us root for ourselves. Got to bet that we are gonna win. Tell ourselves over and over again until we start to feel that we are not some abstract concept flying in the air and struggling to be a solid form. We do not need to seek some reason to live and grasp it tightly as if it's gone we cannot walk on by. Because the essence of life is to truly live and feel and experience all these amazing things that's already there around us, placed just before our eyes. But how can we do that if we are just glued to staring at the ground, magnifying a dot until it burns?

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selfcareserenade · 3 years

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Loss

Today is the birthday of my longest friend. She stays with me from the first grade of elementary school to college. Sadly, the fateful ending of our relationship came in my fourth semester, when she passed away. When I first received the news, I went to bed and prayed that it's not true. But I woke up, lay still in my bed and reality stills hit. The first sentence that came out from my mouth is a whisper to my mom, telling that she passed away and I have to go to the funeral home. Even after I arrived there, her death still felt like a really bad dream. I had just visited her two weeks prior to surprise her on her birthday, and two weeks later I saw her face again, resting in an open casket.

In her funeral service, all I could think about was the sort of things that she would say if she attended here. A lot of our highschool friends came, and the thought that ran across my head was "look at them. Did they come because they care? Or did they come because they're shocked she's the first one in our year that left?" But in her cremation, the one that comes is her guy best friend, her internet friends, and me. None of our school friends are present. I sent a picture to the alumni group chat, thanking them for paying their respect yesterday. Nobody responded and it didn't matter anymore. The fact that the one who comes is the closest one to her just struck me, and everything feels evaporated after that.

To this day, I still don't know where they spread her ashes. I understand why she went, but I still feel that I didn't have a proper closure. Even two years from now, it feels less like a real tragedy, and more like a stale remembrance. I want to commemorate her, but it turns out that fourteen years of knowing her, I still don't know what I can do to make that day meaningful. All I see is bleak. The thing about loss is, you may feel okay after time has passed. But then, the sadness will hit you again without warning; like waves crashing into a beach, tore open and salted your wound as if it's a fresh hurt.

Even though life doesn't get bad, life certainly feels worse after that. In every irony, I got back together with my ex after her death. He said that when he saw me break down, he realized that he didn't ever want to see me that sad again. And truth be told, without his help I would have fallen into a pit of depression. Still, I don't want to label it as a blessing in disguise or "it's for the better". Life has become a series of exams and some people have this notion that you have to measure it by wins and losses. But life doesn't automatically become good from winning. It is certainly better to gain, and losing sucks, period. But who's to say that we need to win to make up for our losses? Winning is not a salvation of our losses.

Maybe all I wanted was to be on a cloudy gray beach somewhere, just waiting for a thunderstorm to happen. Maybe then I can cry and scream along without any hesitation. To soak in all of the feelings. Celebrating losses alone.

The point of an exam is to learn. But the process is never comfortable. For me, it's as if after you answer one question, the next question rushes along and demands to be answered. And the pulsating question in my mind right now is, do we get better at accepting or do we just distract ourselves enough to keep us from thinking about losses? Do I celebrate losses to feel closure or do I need closure that much I have to celebrate losses?

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In the end, I decided to buy a pumpkin scented candle that I intend to light on her birthday. She always loves Halloween. But when it came in the mail, it smelled like Christmas. And it occurs to me that I want to give this candle to my boyfriend. Christmas is his favorite holiday. It feels like the right gesture after he pulled me out of the abyss of despair that lingers because of the incident. As silly as it sounds, the thought of having to leave him in this world makes me want to stay. And maybe that's what I really needed: not a closure or a celebration, but to pass on the light to somebody else. Just like me, another person may need to see the light in front of them to prevent them from going to the light at the end of the tunnel. Today, I chose to light one for us.

#content for myself #microblogging #journalling #self care #mental health #relationship #healing journey #story time #selfdiscovery #self recovery #self reflection #selfreminder #online diary #mindfulawareness #finding yourself #love suicidal suicide poem poems poet poetry art author words writing crush fallinginlove vscocam

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selfcareserenade · 6 years

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The Cold Part:

Then comes the darkness, when you showed that you want people to respect you but you disrespect people. You don't care like you used to and it hurts me more than don't care at all. My maximal effort towards you got a minimal effect. I grew tired of trying because it become too hard. You decided you had enough and then you're gone.

"Why, just fucking why, you said sweet things then leave?" I sobbed.

"Sometimes, life doesnt go the way you planned and sometimes love is not as simple as two person liking the presence of each other." you replied without a trance of emotion.

It's like you wanted to become a reminder for me that life is cruel and unfair.

Now that you' re gone, how am I supposed to call it a home without you in it?

All I can do is eat all my pity party cake until I cry helplessly. Lie awake staring at the blank ceiling, knowing, if I sleep, I'll never get up. I'll become a robot, just floating away, forever lost in a timeless carnaval, wandering around while my mind will be playing games on me. Because all my cells knew, there's no limit for your imagination. I want to die with a smile on my lips from remembering you, but I'll probably just get tears on my earphones.

Don't get me wrong, it's tears of joy. When somebody else's happiness makes you happy even if it's exclude you...that's love. If you can't love people for who they really are, that's not love. And I still love you.

(even though I don't love myself anymore.)

- when they are still on your speed dial and your number was not even on their contact list anymore.

(a.t.l.)

#excerpt #excerpt from a book i'll never write #poems #poemsporn #poetry #love #aboutagirl #boy #original #bits #blah #pieces #sugarhighgirl #scatteredthought #happiness

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selfcareserenade · 6 years

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a story about you, a hot cool guy.

The Warm Part:

You knocked on my heart's door. I opened and stare suspiciously. "What's on your pretty empty mind darling?" you grin. "101 ways to Kill a Mocking Bird," I replied sarcastically. You laughed. You came through and started to make a stage. "Whoa, what is this?" I asked. You just smiled and said, "I choose you to be my main actress." I hesitated, "Why me?" You lock my eyes and said, "Why not you?" Dead serious, you continue, "Aren't you tired of being a background in someone else's play?"

You did not realize, but you shaped me up since that day. What you've done is irreversible. I'm just struggling to passing by in a crowd, but you swept me off my feet and carry me like I'm a feather. I fell under your breathe, smelled like air, plain and clear.

"I'm not pretty," I mutter, "If you're pretty you can do anything." You stop and look into my eyes, and then you told me, "Some things, we don't have the luxury of making choices to. But you are a star. You were made of gold dust. You weren't meant to be pretty, you were meant to shine through the galaxy, amazed everyone in this entire universe. Be the 24 carat you are." I felt like we were dancing through space; alone, but together. I never felt happier.

I trust you; I'm giving a part of me to somebody else and believe you will keep it safe. Lovers don't kiss each other with lies.

Because if I thought you will never love me more than I love myself, I would never open up myself to you.

(a.t.l.)

#poems #poemsporn #excerpt #blah #rant #bits #pieces #excerpt from a book i'll never write #beginner #pinterest #poetry #love #aboutagirl #boy #sugarhighgirl #scatteredthought

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selfcareserenade · 10 years

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Check out http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NWbmGvG_bdQ n give ur opinion! :) thanks!

#video #birthday #selfmade #beginner #present #gift #stopmotion #quotes #nature

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selfcareserenade · 10 years

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