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Taking some time for myself at work today - slathered on some sunscreen and am sitting outside reading about anxiety. #MeTime
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Therapy
So I’ve been in therapy for 2 years now and I’ve officially stopped. I did one-on-one for a year, then a group therapy for another year.
It took me 4 years to even admit that I needed help with the shitpile I’d been dragging around. But, I dove straight into it - I was 100% committed to fixing myself. I had just split from a super nice guy so that I could deal with myself and while I felt bad about ending it that way, I can see now that it really was the best for me. I couldn’t live the way I had been anymore - it was just too overwhelming and had me stuck in the biggest rut.
After almost a year of doing one-on-one, my therapist (whom I just adore) suggested I try coming to a group therapy that she was facilitating and I was hesitant at first (again, introvert...not a fan of talking in groups of new people), but after slogging through a year of hard work, it was actually really helpful. I met some absolutely incredible women who have stared at adversity and told it to kindly fuck off. It’s inspirational to be in a room with super strong women who have chosen to work on bettering themselves despite their pasts. I loved being able to spend time with these women discussing how we cope and patterns we revisit over time, but I had been feeling as though I was revisiting the horror of my past every week. In the beginning, it was helpful to talk through it, but after a year I realized that it was keeping me back from letting go and moving on.
All in all, I HIGHLY recommend therapy - it’s important to face your shitpile so you can work through it and leave it behind.
I’ve been trying to stay focused on my friends, family and most importantly, music. I firmly believe music has the power to save people - myself especially. Thankfully, I have a friend who plays in pubs around my area and the frequency has seriously increased because he’s not good at saying no (but awesome at double-booking himself) which actually works in my favour. I find some people have the ability to calm with their voices and my friend is one of them. Check him out here or find him on iTunes as Tarl. His schedule can be found there as well and he’s awesome live (on an album too, but this is for his shows) so if you’re in the Vancouver-ish area, come check him out. He’s like therapy for the soul, which frankly I seriously need. Yay awesome friends!
#Therapy#GroupTherapy#Counseling#MovingOn#SelfCare#Music#LiveMusic#LocalTalent#Tarl#SoulTherapy#Friends
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Stars
I’ve been neglecting this blog for a while now. Thankfully, it’s been because things are going fairly decently surprisingly enough - I’m just as shocked as you are. I guess therapy really works. I’ve decided to pause therapy for a while because I think it gets to a point where you’re just reliving things over and over which isn’t helpful in the slightest. It’s time for me to stop living that time on repeat and tell it to kindly fuck off so I can move on.
I titled this entry “Stars” because that’s what I want to talk about. There’s some back story here so bear with me.
This whole idea of soulmates always seemed a little foreign to me, but mostly because when I think I’ve found them, it backfires in the most epic way. And I mean EPIC way. I’ve really put it out of my mind for a long time now because even if I did find them, I’ve been told multiple times that soulmates don’t always get to be together and that sounds more painful than not finding them.
I met this man just over a week ago (yeah yeah, it’s about a guy get over it) and I’ve never felt a connection like this one. I’m an empath so I connect with people in various ways - whether that’s their energy, pain or delight. This was something so much more. You know that Justin Timberlake song “Mirrors” where he sings about falling for someone because they’re so similar, it’s like looking in a mirror. I used to think that was a sweet thought, but improbable. I was so wrong.
I’m an introvert (hide your shock here) and don’t love connecting with people and especially don’t enjoy being touched by strangers in any way (including handshakes and fist bumps) and it’s not about germs, it’s about my trepidation with energy transference. It sounds hokey until you experience an energy sucker touching you in any way.
Well he put his arm around my shoulders at one point and I didn’t even notice until I left his work to go home. It felt like the most natural thing in the world and I still don’t understand it. A few days later, while spending some time together, he made a comment that we were made of stars and while moving to this plane of life, our beings collided and now a part of me is a part of him and visa-versa. Normally, I’d roll my eyes and go “uh huh” but it made so much sense to me that I just nodded and agreed.
There’s a lot of implications that we (humans) aren’t from this planet and it makes me wonder. Maybe we are all the product of starstuff and in the process of moving from one plane to another, some of us mixed. So really, we’ve known each other for eons...we just forgot. I don’t understand people, but nature makes sense to me - this includes space. Stars fall (or what we call die) and we wish on them. What if they’re just coming down to join us (lord knows why since we’re SUCH a mess) and live here instead of in the vastness of space. Maybe that’s where we’re supposed to end up. Heaven being back up in the stars with the beings we were mixed with when we came here. Hell being apart for the rest of time...whatever time is.
I sort of feel like I found a piece of my soul I didn’t know was missing.
My other being walked away. With my piece. I’m in perpetual hell. Nothing I can do but continue to exist.
I just needed to write this out to the universe. It hurts. A lot. It’s different from the average heartache. It’s in the soul.
Just keep breathing, girl, you’re going to be ok.
No measure of time with you will be long enough, but let’s start with forever.
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Merry Christmas from YXX! It's a mild winter wonderland outside but I think it still counts as a white Christmas. A special shout out to everyone who is working today like I am. Hang in there ❤ Regardless of what you believe (or don't for you athiests), may we all take the time to find peace and learn to love each other as we are without judgement. The world is a scary place and we're making it worse with all the hate - practice love and patience with each other not just today or this week, but always. When you most want to lash out, take a breath and show love instead. You can't fix stupid, but you can ignore it and move on. Remember that you're never alone. Please stay. #MerryChristmas #HappyHolidays #JoyeuxNoel #Peace #Love #Family #WorkingOnChristmas #Snow #WhiteChristmas #WinterWonderland #YXX #Landscape #SamsungS8 (at Abbotsford International Airport)
#winterwonderland#workingonchristmas#yxx#whitechristmas#samsungs8#joyeuxnoel#happyholidays#love#snow#peace#merrychristmas#landscape#family
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It's a somber morning here in Abbotsford. Our views are beautiful but our hearts are heavy from the tragedy that happened yesterday. Abbotsfordians love our police department. They're beautiful people who do all they can to protect us and yesterday, one of our Officers paid the highest price for our safety. We'll never be able to express our gratitude or sorrow for having to say goodbye. We hope with all our hearts that you rest peacefully. We miss you already. #Abbotsford #YXX #APD #AbbotsfordPoliceDepartment #Police #PoliceOfficer #RestInPeace #RestPeacefully #WeLoveYou #RIP @abbotsford_police_department #MtBaker #Landscape #Snow #Mountains #Pretty #Clouds #Weather #SamsungS8
#rip#policeofficer#snow#samsungs8#mountains#clouds#restinpeace#pretty#yxx#mtbaker#police#abbotsfordpolicedepartment#apd#landscape#weather#abbotsford#weloveyou#restpeacefully
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Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians! Let's keep being awesome, shall we. Maybe certain other countries will follow suit? #CanadianThanksgiving #HappyThanksgiving #canadianpride🇨🇦 #OneLove #Unity #Peace #Canada #Deadpool #WadeWilson @vancityreynolds
#wadewilson#happythanksgiving#peace#canada#canadianthanksgiving#onelove#unity#canadianpride🇨🇦#deadpool
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Love you, #Vegas #LasVegas #StandStrong #United #StrongerTogether #NoMoreHate #OneLove #StandUpToHate #WeAreWithYou
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For my Daddy. For my Aunts. For the children who never made it out alive. For my People. We are strong as we stand together. Baby steps are still steps. We can do it. I believe in us. #OrangeShirtDay #ResidentialSchool #ResidentialSchoolSurvivor #Reconciliation #EveryChildMatters #Strong #Together #Survivors #Victims #OneLove #NeverForget #Legacy
#reconciliation#strong#survivors#victims#legacy#residentialschool#onelove#neverforget#residentialschoolsurvivor#everychildmatters#together#orangeshirtday
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Well I survived another year of life! Go me! Bring it on, 34!! #HappyBirthday #HappyBirthdayToMe #MyBirthday #September28 #1983 #34 #GoMe #Survival
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Every time. I feel like depression is like akin to an ocean - sometimes the tide is out and the waters are calm and other times the tide rolls in with high waves and the storm takes over. Ever since I was officially diagnosed with depression at 18, I've marveled at the delicacy of the brain. It's so small yet powerful. If chemicals are off even a miniscule amount, the whole thing can fall apart. The mind is powerful and can be a lovely or dark place. "We never lose our demons. We only learn to live above them." - Ancient One (Doctor Strange) I like to wave to mine sometimes so they don't get the idea I've forgotten about them...but also to remind them that I refuse to let them own me. Because fuck that. #Depression #Anxiety #MentalIllness #Brain #Mind #seekingcalmseas #Chemicals #ChemicalImbalance #Demons #RiseAbove #Wave #DoctorStrange #AncientOne #Ocean #Tide #Storm
#ancientone#doctorstrange#mentalillness#brain#anxiety#riseabove#ocean#seekingcalmseas#tide#mind#storm#chemicalimbalance#wave#chemicals#demons#depression
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As someone who has been on the brink of suicide, I will say this... PLEASE...stay... If you think even ONE person will miss you, you are worth staying. Depression lies to you all the time - you are worth so much more than you think. You are more loved than you think. You are needed here. You will be missed. I promise. #WorldSuicidePreventionDay #Suicide #Depression #Anxiety #MentalIllness #SuicidePrevention #PleaseStay #Stay
#worldsuicidepreventionday#anxiety#pleasestay#stay#suicideprevention#suicide#mentalillness#depression
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It's important to take time for yourself. I work alone in a large office and have a lot of spare time on my hands. There's a tv with satellite connection and a DVD player....but the last few days, I've been reading. Just a teen fiction series that I'm loving. I was on book 1...this is book 3. I've been devouring it like water in a dry land. The funny part is that this main character reminds me if me so much. She's stubborn, sassy, mouthy, quick to react...but she's also got this incredible strength beneath her supposed weaknesses. She thinks she's nothing when really she's everything. She's tough, loving, funny, fierce and powerful. She also has a man in her life who disappeared because he felt like it was for the greater good. I've had a few of these in my life. As if they were a burden and were trying to save me from who they were when I never asked to be saved nor did I feel like I needed to be saved. I think it also has a lot to do with depression - it lies...a lot. It tells us we need to remove ourselves from the lives of others who in reality never felt like we were a burden in the first place. The series is A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J Maas. It's brilliant. Few books make me laugh out loud to my empty office and when they do, I'm hooked. It's a little sexier than I thought it would be considering it's shelved in "Teen" but it's so beautifully done. I highly recommend it. May it remind you of your fiercness. May you make time for yourself with whatever makes you feel at peace with yourself. #Depression #Anxiety #PanicAttack #seekingcalmseas #CourtOfThornesAndRoses #SarahJMaas #Feyre #Strength #Fierce #MeTime #Reading #Books #Calm #Starbucks @starbuckscanada #Happy
#strength#courtofthornesandroses#seekingcalmseas#depression#panicattack#calm#anxiety#feyre#happy#metime#books#starbucks#sarahjmaas#reading#fierce
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As I lay in bed unable to sleep, I'm thinking back to the amusement park on Sunday. It's half amusement park, half exhibits. We did the exhibits first. I was in a wheelchair right away because my stupid lung disease doesn't allow for my walking the entire park. It's hard to need a wheelchair and I'm really not a fan. Anyway, we saw the exhibits then went to the amusement park half. We started with the swings, which was nice and relaxing. Then we did the rollercoaster that's been there for at least 60 years. We all got injured and I had a panic attack. Fuck. It was also about 35°C. So we decide we need a break. After sitting in the shade a while, my mom and niece opt to try some games and I stay in the shade. Now I'm thinking I've ruined everyone's day. We abandon the rides for now. As we walk back towards where we parked, mom stops to do the tilt-a-whirl and my niece and I try a different ride...and my anxiety kicks in and I get off before it starts. We leave. Fuck. I still feel bad about the whole day. They would've had more fun without me. #Depression #Anxiety #PanicAttack #AnxietyAttack #NoFun #Sorry #LAMdisease #Wheelchair #Ruined #AmusementPark #WorstTagalongEver #Worst
#depression#wheelchair#panicattack#lamdisease#amusementpark#ruined#nofun#worsttagalongever#sorry#worst#anxietyattack#anxiety
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So I'm going to an amusement park today and my mom has rented a wheelchair because I have a lung disease and won't be able to walk around the whole park. I'm super anxious about it because people stare. All. The. Time. Like I really want to have to use a wheelchair. I realise I'm "only in my 30s" but I need it. It's hard to be defiant and anxious at the same time. I wish more people didn't stare... #Anxiety #Depression #invisibleillness #Wheelchair #Stare #AmusementPark #DontJudge
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So I haven't posted in a while, but I have good...well..decent reasons.
The house I've lived in for 6 years is being sold (I lived in the basement suite), I don't love my job, I had to think about packing and sorting through my crap...I went on a nearly 3 day long panic attack. Once a refuge, my house became a place of anxiety. I couldn't function very well and I wasn't eating much (which is not healthy). It was the first time in a very long time where I could feel myself sliding back down towards rock bottom. I couldn't do anything....getting out of bed was a major chore and I didn't want to do it. Ever. I still forced myself to shower and go to work, but I wasn't happy about it.
I live in British Columbia, Canada and this province has been mostly on fire for 3 months now and since I live in a valley, a lot of the smoke has settled over my town and since I have a rare lung disease, I've been under house arrest. That was super helpful towards my mental health too.
It's been a rough couple of months.
My job is technical and not just anyone can come in and work it (this is important). Last week, during my co-workers' annual test (to make sure we know what we're doing), he decided he'd had enough and quit. So now instead of 4 people easily managing a 24 hour operation, it's now 3 of us. This means more hours for me. And by more, I mean about 108 hours for me in 2 weeks. Uuuggghhhh. My lung specialist is not going to be happy but hopefully it'll just be for 6 weeks or so. I won't be having a life because sleep is VERY important to mental health..and not a lot of sleep makes me a highly unhappy and low-functioning human being.
It's funny how just when one thinks they have a handle on life, life goes "ahhahahahaaaa wait..." and off it goes. Bastard.
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In my early-mid teenage years, I have many months of suicidal thoughts. I'm grateful to have had good friends to yank me through it. I learned to choose hope everyday. It was a conscious choice. About 6 years ago, I had "Hope" tattooed on my wrist (the one in the picture) to remind me to choose hope even on my darkest days. #seekingcalmseas #Depression #Anxiety #mentalillness #suicide #ChooseHope #Hope #remember #HoldFast
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It's a sad statement but so very accurate. Invisible illnesses are some of the hardest to live with. I have a rare lung disease and obviously no one sees my lungs so I always get the "well you don't look sick". Well thank you very much, now sod off. You never know how a person is really feeling so the next time you ask "how are you", either mean it or shut it. #seekingcalmseas #invisibleillness #invisibleillnesses #HowAreYou #YouDontLookSick #LAMdisease
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