sad-writers

[sad-writers]

for l&n. words can do you no justice but I find you everywhere.

[sad-writers]

Potential

Potential is meant to be squandered.

Wasted.

Neglected.

Left unused.

For what is potential but an intangible idea

The hopes and dreams of others thrust upon us - an idea of wordly success.

Expectations of future glory and achievements.

Bringing pride to our family, friends, and our ego

So we go running, chasing our potential,

Huffing puffing -  out of breath as we strain ourselves hoping to grasp it in our hands.

To turn this intangible thing to reality

A reality most of us will never achieve

Because that's the funny thing about potienal:

It rarely comes to fruition.

So take a moment my dear child to catch your breath and think

What do you want your life to look like?

What will bring you joy, peace and contentment?

Is running yourself ragged in pursuit of this potential making you happy?

An evening with friends filled with dumb actives and stupid decisions,

Are these not the memories we cherish and the times that bring joy to our hearts ?

And by all means go out and work hard - pursue your passions and hobbies with gusto

But do me a favor and forget about your potential

Laugh in it's face.

For the only thing truly wasted is a happy life squandered in the pursuit of potential

So my dear child go out and squander your potential.

[sad-writers]

Top 10 things to tell my mom when its all over

I just can’t tell her right now because one of us always pays the price for the others feelings

I sometimes still think about when you said you would leave, I sometimes wonder if your suitcase is packed ready to start over in the same way mine is packed ready to go home

I’m disappointed in myself these days. I think you would be too if you had the time to look at me. 

I think your husband and I would get along if I just wasn’t his child. Or maybe we still wouldn’t because I have his worst tendencies and I hate them on him just like he hates them on me.

I think you’d be a doctor if I wasn’t around. I think you would've lived your dream, and you would've been proud of yourself.

I’m really lonely here. I would go home but I’m lonely there too.

I’m still trying to impress you. All I try to do is make you feel like I was worth having. Was I worth having? Do you regret me yet?

I wish I could be young again. I would let you go back to a better version of me if I could.

I still cry and wait for you to notice me. I always wait and want for you to knock on my door and ask if I’m okay. I think I’m going to spend the rest of my life wanting a hug from my mommy. 

How can I fix this? I’m asking you for that mother daughter advice one last time, how can I fix this? I’m begging for you to tell me one last time, I need to know. 

I’m sorry for being born and I’m sorry for being home and I’m sorry for not being home. I’m sorry I get such bad grades in school and that I cry all the time. I'm sorry for needing you so much. I'm sorry you never traveled the world, or got a big house, or built your savings, or became a boy mom like you wanted. I’m sorry that it was me that you got, instead of all those nice things.

#when is over exactly? #the world may never know #maybe when im dying or smth #sigh. anyway #we went too long without a poem tbh #mental breakdown was inbound #nobody worry about me ive just been dramatic lately #top ten #anyways #mommy issues #but not really #i love my mom #and she loves me #and i think thats the best and worst part #i think we both want the other person to be happy #so much so that we'd be unhappy #but then when the others persons unhappy it makes us unhappy and so on and so forth #oh welllllll #it be like that #i think ill totally tell her these things one day #when its over. #if there even is an over #sometimes i worry that this feeling will be with me the rest of my life #idk how to even describe it. #its just this feeling of lacking #of lacking something #but also being lacking #im hoping this will not last forever #but its not that bad anyways #ill just get used to it

[sad-writers]

shhhh...someone likes me...he has no idea who i am

03/06/24

and i’m sure he has no idea how angry i am. he does not really know me, anyway. he doesn’t know how my fire catches and how i build up all that i’m feeling until it comes out in some cryptic poem. you know my rage. You can sense it like you can when it’s just about to rain. you’re the only one that knows how to defuse it. you blanket it and you lie in it. you push it all out until i pull you in. you know how to deal with my fire even when i’m unsure. oh how we balance each other. when you flood, i swim. when i rage, you lay. the earth knows us well but we know each other better. 

🦎🌱🌻

#you have no idea how much i needed you that weekend #when someone that does not know me thinks he does #i feel sick to my stomach...but i know I will tell you the story and we can laugh together #your laughter is my medicine #your laughter defuses my rage my worry my hurt #that is why -- i stutter when it is you that is causing my rage my worry my hurt #how can you hurt and save me at the same time? #you find a way to suprise me every time. #i do not need your rescuing... #but i love nothing more than the peace I feel #the peace we bring each other

[sad-writers]

bioluminescence is not a romantic word (it is the most beautiful thing)

i hope you don't hear

what it might sound like when i write about him

because i've said a hell of a lot of things

but never once have i thought --

you are not as worthy to write about.

you do not require my words to convince me

the world can see how you shine

without needing my sour romanticization

you are when i'm in the garden

you are when i smile at the peonies waving from in between the cracks in the cement

you wink back at me when i look in the mirror and don't grimace

you are when, you are how, you are why

i can glow

my soil, my air, my bioluminescence

i hope you can see this in me

i hope you know you are beyond the shallowness of my best poetry

#fuckmen #womenshistorymonth #yeah i might write about him...but it is never FOR him #i write for my women #i write for myself #and i cannot do that without your love #i love you

[sad-writers]

I LOVE YOU.

#a statement to the world #a threat #and a love letter to my darling and dearest #and a reminder for them too #a three word poem? haha #i love you!!! #i love to love you #anyways the most love to all people born on the 14th of a month might be the best day to be born #omfg am i....? being positive??? on sad-writers?? unheard of.

[sad-writers]

even happy songs make me cry now.

n.

#i hate this #im actually going insane #im actually ok!! #i lied tee hee #no im going to the ashe center tomorrow on god

[sad-writers]

there are people out there that could have their hand on my chest, directly over my beating heart and not care an ounce for it

but anywhere in the world you will always reach me,

i am deeply grateful for the girls who were born in winter, who blanket me and bury my anxieties like fresh falling snow

i search for you in sky and storm and even if i took every star in the sky and tried to form your shape it wouldn't compare

n.

#i bemoan my lack of words to explain just how much you both mean to me #and like #just how grateful i am #knowing there is someone who is on my side despite it all #even through rough patches #like i just i love you and i appreciate you so deeply #spring break 2024 will heal me #guys i am in tears ok #i love you so much

[sad-writers]

I can't wait to be free from your grasp - L

#if you get it you get it #screaming #crying #feelingsoulcrushed

[sad-writers]

for my jan babies

I think it was right that I was born in february

because the universe had to take a month to breathe

she was torn open and stretched thin and upended

(and probably had post-partum depression)

because two fiery little angels hit her at the same time

my january babies

forces of energy and gold

hardened but not tarnished

by the world and her cold

my january babies

are the most beautiful people you've ever met

soul-wrenching, heart-breaking enormously loving celestial beings

of energy and gold

I write about them in every thought, in every poem, in every breath

they are my muses and my light

(they are for whom I will bite)

they remind me how to be a woman with every flaw, grace, and spine

they'll call this silly little poem pretty when I know it's just a word dump of my love with one too many rhymes

for my loves n&l. happy happy birthdays to the girls that convince me to write. yours, an

#happy birthday #i love you #friendship #female friendship #women #beautiful women #brilliant women #kind women #fierce women #strong women #you're amazing #january #capricorn #january 2024 #new year 2024 #happy 19 #19

[sad-writers]

notes app 11/13

can we normalize writing in here more often? like yeah, we can't all write like nora but still...

I did this exact walk three months ago (I do it every day)

then, I smiled to myself because I was living my dream. I was independent and fulfilled and proud.

today, I smiled because I imagined I was home to you. I remembered how close we will be in just a week. How I can reset, hunker down for another three, and then get to feel fully free.

the line between pride and content is getting further each day

I am tired and I am proud but I am not content until I'm home

I'll be back there soon, I promise

I'll be back with you

right on the cusp of the whole of the moon

#hypedforthanksgivingbreak #but #it's>a week #CANNOT WAIT FOR XMAS #i love christmas #happy bday jesus! #seriously tho #can't wait to be home #shower everyone in presents #take a long shower #read! #write! #rest! #then #i'll be ready to come back

[sad-writers]

12:45 AM

I was heartbroken to be born

n.

#a cute little gift from the notes app omggg #this was a little while ago but idk she was goin thru sumthin ig #writing #notes app #maybe one day ill write a cute little influencer apology in my notesapp too omg #made a serious and continuous lapse in judgement guys #midnights #heartbreak #idk how to tag this #the thing is it’s literal #I was born with a heart defect teehee #get it #even my body wasn’t ready for me to live #I was not ready to live l #send me back take it back #I cant be here

[sad-writers]

oh boy. oh, (a) boy.

I'm trying to write my midterm assignment right but I think I need to brain dump...

my instagram is full of couple-y posts. "why do you love them?" they say. and I love the way you listen. the way we have this shared mind where we know exactly who the other one is talking about. the way we don't share it. but share the time together nonetheless. I love when you text me. I find myself eager to share something with you and send pictures throughout my day. sometimes my jealousy is all-consuming and I want to be the only girl you text like this. I love your mom. I love your house and your room. I love how your voice sounds so rich and full of honey. I love how I'm the sun to your moon. but I love that you hear me the most when I'm not full of life. you supply it. after we talk, when I see a picture of us together, I'm so damn close to saying, I love y-

I love yesterday.

when we were closer than we were today. I will never get you back. I will never get you. the people that know say, "oh you'll get married when you're 30." but I'm not sure I'll like you then. I'm not sure we'll talk when you have a girlfriend and I'm not sure I can wait for you again. it's so awful that I even write about you now, as if the ink doesn't taste bitter in my pen. we are done before we even began. you are my favorite song that pauses right before the bridge.

I want someone that I know would dance with me. we're in a public place and a violinist makes eye contact so we get up to join in, only caring what the other one thinks. I know you wouldn't dance with me. But I've danced this long alone that I can't tell where myself ends and your favorite song begins.

maybe I will never be happy for you. maybe I am too consumed by my jealousy that your happiness only makes me pity myself. maybe I actually do want you to date my best friends so I am forced to be supportive. I promised you I'd plan your wedding. and at the time, that meant nothing. It didn't mean, "when we're 30". It didn't mean, "I can't wait to see you". It didn't mean I'd write this. It was only a promise I'd see you again. Pleasepleaseplease just ghost me like everyone else. Grow a little further away. Set down roots. I have never been your favorite all the while you were mine. let me get back to my assignment -- I can't waste any more of this little time. I'll put on your favorite song while I study. he's honey but he's whisky too. he's bitter but the words are familiar. I hum them when I am missing you.

#whatthefuckcameoverme #pleasedontaskmeaboutthis #TAKETHISWITHYOUTOTHEGRAVE #this is so embarrassing #UGHHH #oh wait #by the way #this is fiction #its not real at all #okay?? #Ha.Ha. #no but seriously #i wouldn't be writing this if I wasn't procrastinating SO bad #i love YOU #not this person #I PROMISE #anyways #hope you're having a great day #<3

[sad-writers]

3:06 AM

I am bleeding out of my heart constantly constantly and I am staining everything and everyone 

And I keep bleeding and keep wondering why everyone is always greeting me with a wince, angling themselves to avoid the worst of my mess, and leaving pulling wet and ruined shirts away from their bodies 

and I keep wondering why I always feel a little empty on the inside 

And I have to keep reminding myself it’s because you’re bleeding yoire bleeding you’re bleeding and there’s a special place where it all goes which is down the drain when they wash the red from their hands and you cant forget that you are just too much. You’re bleeding out of your heart all the time and you’re ruining everyone’s clothes 

And I’m trying I swear. I’m trying to pull away from hugs faster and make only the lightest touches. Im trying to stay inside in my room where the only things I can ruin are my own sheets, and certainly no one cares if I stain those. I’m still marred by my own impermanence and unimportance and I just get desperate sometimes and you're always cold when your insides keep seeping out of your like they also just can't wait to get away

I guess nothing was meant to stay by my side

n.

#no beta we die like men #a cutie from the notes app 2nite #idk #i just feel like i am not fit for any person and all i ever do is make things worse with an overwhelming and unwelcome presence #sigh #maybe im just tired #maybe im just insane #maybe maybe #lololol #if i clawed at the wrists of every person who tried to leave me and made them bleed as deeply as i do #do you think theyd stay then? #wow ok why do i think evil things sometimes girl wtf #that was psycho and you know it #UGH #and you know what #i think shit like this as if im not a dirty rotten coward #who leaves bloody footprints in her wake as she runs away so she doesn't have to see herself in the reflection of anyones eyes #like bruh #can i like colleen ballinger apology song myself back into feeling loved #do i even know what that feels like? #do i want to know? #what if it goes away #what if im never loved again #UGHHHHH ok tags over I have CLEARLY been awake too long and have too many regrets for a 140 character limit

[sad-writers]

i hope my grave says "good friend". I hope someone is there to tell a story that affirms that.

i've never been your favorite. I've never been called a best friend with a full chest. I look for the title in every relationship, spend years calling you mine, and get "one of"s back. I am never going to be your favorite.

my sister trades me like I am an unbalanced card, pulling at her sleeves and twelve tumble out. we are best friends for years until one day - we're not. and she will never even look up to notice. I notice every time she picks up the phone.

my brother who I called my favorite over and over. who everyone - except him - watches him frequent my poems. wrote him the sweetest cards and brought him the best souvenirs. poured my love - and my rage - into this man and I will never be the girl he's with in every bereal. I will never know their closeness or how they walk the line between friends and more than. I refuse to be jealous of her, but I can't pretend she doesn't stands on mountains while I stumble up rocks.

my longest love who looks for my reassurance that we're besties. she texts our mutual friend more than me. they vacation together as if they couldn't get far enough from where I am to truly be free.

my dearest who pours so much into my cup. it overfills, and I think, this one is the one. she pours into everyone's. I will never be special. and maybe nobody really will be, to her. but we make plans and she follows through with other people. we grow up and her pouring feels insincere and maybe, after a few weeks, just a dribble.

every group chat I've been left out of and every time I see them hanging out without me is confirmation I am too little, too late. I am a burden for new people and an obligation for old. I am not wanted in these spaces that I created. I brought everyone together to find something in each other that I once filled.

I will never be your favorite. I will never have the whole of your attention. I feel selfish and greedy for wanting, for asking, but it eats at me all the same. I play your games and trust your hand. I hike with you and try to balance. I planned our trips but know you'll never visit. I love you more fiercely (at least, differently) than the others and pretend you don't copy and paste your messages.

I know I will never be chosen if it's me or her or me or him. I know I will never be chosen if it's me or you, again. sometimes I just want so badly to be loved more than I can possibly love. but that has never been how it works. all these people loved me from the beginning - while I was making my mind up about them - so it's only right I'm left alone loving them until they fade away and our friendship inevitably ends.

but still, I would call you my friend then.

~a

#thisisfromthenotesapp #well #theandroidnotesapp #kinda feeling insecure about friendships lately #tried to call someone today #but instead like three of my friends answered #they were all hanging out together #and like #even though i couldn't be there #it still hurt #because i had no idea #i hate being suprised #i know i am each of their's last choice #i brought them together #but maybe #that's just what i do #i bring people together so they can find who they are truly lookin for #i am a connector #i am disposable after use #it wasn't just these guys...honestly it feels like everyone #but im happy to be useful #even if it's just for a little while #even if i am temporary

[sad-writers]

l'appel du vide

I am afraid of dying

I am so afraid that I listen to true crime podcasts every day and watch documentaries about disasters and hospital television shows. 

I am so afraid that I walk alone at night. I never look before I cross the street. I never lock my doors.

I am so afraid that I obsess over death. I think about it all the time, I am infatuated with it. I am besotted, fascinated, enamored by it.

I am so “afraid of death” that I want it to happen to me right now. I want to be dead right now. I wish someone would come and kill me. Wish some animal would come and eat me up, piece by terrified piece. I wish my house would catch fire and no one could put it out. I wish there was a gaping fissure in the ground and it swallowed me whole. I wish the sun would collide with the Earth tomorrow. Please end me. It doesn’t matter how, just end me! Right this second preferably but I can wait an hour or two. A day even. I just can’t take it anymore. I want it. I want it so bad it keeps me up at night, my hands start to shake and I feel that feeling and I know it. I know it like anyone could ever know anything. I want to be dead. I’ll do anything. Anything at all. Anything.

n.

#silly me #:) hehe #some reflection on the fear and desire theory hahahhh #its funny isn't it? #the way that sort of gets all intertwined and messy #it makes me laugh #in a bit of a fucked up way but its funny to me #about the title #it means the call of the void #the use of it here is inaccurate but the title seemed fancy and artsy and its a real thing and i guess it kind of relates #i mean its really an ironic usage #the call of the void is an intellectual destruction #youre not frantic #it calls to you in the middle of the day #and you hear its ring but you do not answer #fear and desire #however #are animalistic #fear and desire drive people fucking crazy #they are both irrational often uncontrollable and they drive people fucking. crazy. #are we motivated by anything other than fear and desire? I mean really. #it just makes sense for them to entwine like this doesn't it? #tw death #fear #desire #oh yeah #you could listen to dance of the knights for the sort of vibe i was stuck on while writing this #idk why it was the vibe #considering how it feels so sinister #but yk

[sad-writers]

A Rose🌹

There is no winning when I'm around you,

Only lose and lose less.

An irrevocable loss of self occurs as those horrid tendrils of hate that you planted and watered wrap around my soul looking for a a place to go.

I don't want to be angry, yet I am,

I don't want to feel hate, but I do.

So maybe, I am a spoiled child whining, but I know, I cannot fully florish, and I cannot grow with your tendrils in my soul.

But it's not all bad,

That's what makes it hard: hard to accept - hard to feel.

For at the end of some thorns a rose still grows,

A cruel trick of nature - or maybe - it's saving grace.

The rose is the love and beauty that can be,

And my blood, well, the pain, grief, and hurt in my soul.

But where does the vibrant red of the rose end and where does my blood begin?

If only it was that simple...

In reality, there is no line - everything is blurred, mottled, and mixed,

Like the pink and orange hues in the evening sky.

Which is why I know, I must set aside the rose to save my bleeding soul.

The pain and the beauty come as one - a package I cannot separate.

So one day, when I am free and healed, I hope to come back and look.

Look and admire the beauty of your petals,

Coming close but never touching.

-L

#rose #trauma #generational trauma #mixed feelings #sadness #complicated #growing up