#whatthefuckcameoverme

[sad-writers]

oh boy. oh, (a) boy.

I'm trying to write my midterm assignment right but I think I need to brain dump...

my instagram is full of couple-y posts. "why do you love them?" they say. and I love the way you listen. the way we have this shared mind where we know exactly who the other one is talking about. the way we don't share it. but share the time together nonetheless. I love when you text me. I find myself eager to share something with you and send pictures throughout my day. sometimes my jealousy is all-consuming and I want to be the only girl you text like this. I love your mom. I love your house and your room. I love how your voice sounds so rich and full of honey. I love how I'm the sun to your moon. but I love that you hear me the most when I'm not full of life. you supply it. after we talk, when I see a picture of us together, I'm so damn close to saying, I love y-

I love yesterday.

when we were closer than we were today. I will never get you back. I will never get you. the people that know say, "oh you'll get married when you're 30." but I'm not sure I'll like you then. I'm not sure we'll talk when you have a girlfriend and I'm not sure I can wait for you again. it's so awful that I even write about you now, as if the ink doesn't taste bitter in my pen. we are done before we even began. you are my favorite song that pauses right before the bridge.

I want someone that I know would dance with me. we're in a public place and a violinist makes eye contact so we get up to join in, only caring what the other one thinks. I know you wouldn't dance with me. But I've danced this long alone that I can't tell where myself ends and your favorite song begins.

maybe I will never be happy for you. maybe I am too consumed by my jealousy that your happiness only makes me pity myself. maybe I actually do want you to date my best friends so I am forced to be supportive. I promised you I'd plan your wedding. and at the time, that meant nothing. It didn't mean, "when we're 30". It didn't mean, "I can't wait to see you". It didn't mean I'd write this. It was only a promise I'd see you again. Pleasepleaseplease just ghost me like everyone else. Grow a little further away. Set down roots. I have never been your favorite all the while you were mine. let me get back to my assignment -- I can't waste any more of this little time. I'll put on your favorite song while I study. he's honey but he's whisky too. he's bitter but the words are familiar. I hum them when I am missing you.

#whatthefuckcameoverme #pleasedontaskmeaboutthis #TAKETHISWITHYOUTOTHEGRAVE #this is so embarrassing #UGHHH #oh wait #by the way #this is fiction #its not real at all #okay?? #Ha.Ha. #no but seriously #i wouldn't be writing this if I wasn't procrastinating SO bad #i love YOU #not this person #I PROMISE #anyways #hope you're having a great day #<3