nickibun

[nickibun]

there’s no thinspo better than looking at pics of you from ur lowest weight

[nickibun]

ed log:

salmon teriyaki w/ rice | ??? cal

shrimp + potatoes | ??? cal

usage + mood:

totally f*kd up today. hardly ate the past few days though. feeling completely torn.

saw my ex tonight to have him help me with

an assignment i’ve had due and got an extension on since i was so busy with fashion week.

ofc he knows about my ed and cooked dinner,

i bought him lunch, we shared a bottle of wine.

i feel so guilty. tomorrow i will do better.

as for my usage, i spent a few days helping my friends (messed up couple) with their issues, obviously drank a ton of vodka, smoked some t with them. took a couple valium to get to sleep. did some mdma on valentine’s day.

daily log:

nyfw this year was really amazing.

i worked two shows (one of which i walked in for the first time), attended four other shows from a multitude of designers.

some of my friends came to my show which was honestly amazing. saw a lot of old colleagues/friends at a show for a company i used to intern for, which felt really special since i hadn’t seen many of them since i first moved to nyc. i shot for a really great alternative brand on monday with another model and crazy talented photographer.

i’m really proud of myself for getting through this month so far, considering all the variables i’ve been dealing with (relapsing on h, the girl i was seeing for a few months breaking things off w me, fights w my ex, my mom being in town and staying with me).

looking back at everything i’ve been doing this month really puts things into perspective; this is why i’m here. this is what i came to do. i moved to new york to pursue my degree in fashion marketing, and im applying what ive learned along with my own creativity and vision into real life.

when i was at my lowest point, waking up in hell everyday 16-19, only caring about h and my shitty ex bf… i look back and think how if that girl knew where she would be at 21 she wouldn’t believe it.

i didn’t think about waking up the next day, looking into the future (even six months wasn’t in my plan) wasn’t in my cards.

i need to realize i’ve come so far. such a long way.

it’s nice to be reminded of where i came from to where i am now, and how much progress i’ve made since getting out of rehab in october of 2022.

i won’t let a slip up define me.

at the same time, i’m utterly terrified to think about where i’ll be next year, or five years down the line.

i never thought i’d make it this far, and the road is long ahead of me.

one day at a time one day at a time one day at a

i try to remember. i’ve changed things. i am ok.

i am better. i’ll do my best everyday. some days are harder than others, but i have grown so much, that is something to be proud of.

i saw my ex for valentine’s day, which i am a bit ashamed to say. now im sleeping at his house. im sitting here justifying this to myself, even after the horrible things he’s said and done to me in the past nine months.

on valentine’s day, he asked me out to dinner. i said yes, then regretted it within the first hour of the date. i drank to the point where i can’t remember going home with him that night.

i called my friends to essentially rescue me. they had made up a perfect excuse to get me to leave. which ended up in me partying with them for the next two days. lol

i need new friends.

middle of our party (it’s a couple), AC had gotten his gf arrested. so fucked. spent the next day locating which jail she was in, figuring out her arraignment time, etc etc. but, since they had shown up for me so many times i knew i had to stick it out. i’m glad i did. i think AC would’ve lost his shit if he was in the apt alone knowing what he’d done.

i go to miami tomorrow for a much needed vacation for a few days. excited to be in my hometown and see my parents.

anyways, here’s some raw photos from the shoot:

#tw #tw ana diary #addiction #4norexla #mental illness #sad thoughts #digital diary #diary entry #dear diary #a4a diary #my diary #me

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The most satisfying thing in the world is fucking her so hard her eyes start rolling back, her body starts going limp and her brain start turning off, she's barely even moaning just being flooded with seratonin, her soul probably leaving her fucking body

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 "Now I know something you don’t", Mt Hope Cemetery, Rochester NY

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Masatoshi Naitō, Shinjuku Genkei Chimera

Photo from exhibition from twitter user @tokonoMaria

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Every place I run to, has no room for me.

[nickibun]

ed log:

water | 0 cal

mood + usage:

did some t the other night, which is likely why i haven’t had an appetite in days. she sent me a long break up text which is what prompted vodka and t fueled night at my friends. been doing bumps of k every couple hours, which probably isn’t helping. but it feels like it is. smoked a little weed. the paranoia hasn’t gone away and my appetite still won’t come back. i have 1/2 of a kpin left. fuck.

i need to get my place together by thursday. i guess my mind right too. im walking in a friends fashion show that night. saving the last bit of coke i have in case i can’t find pep within myself.

it’s quite strange how i didn’t see it coming in the slightest. this mild depressive state i’m in really did just come out of the blue. it shouldn’t be a surprise honestly. looking at the bigger picture, my life has been a mess since last week. a relapse would do something like that, wouldn’t it?

daily log:

my ex came over yesterday. brought me food and some white claws. only thing i’ve consumed in 48 hours is illicit substances and cheap hard seltzers. i want out of this rut. i’m not even really thinking about her, so why the fuck am i acting this way?

sometimes i wish i could have a redo, probably spanning back to when i was 14. as much as i love who i am and the hilarious experiences i’ve been through, maybe if i hadn’t dated older guys or started doing stuff back then, i wouldn’t feel this shitty now.

fuck

i seriously haven’t left my house all weekend. except to go to my homies and get drunk.

i really did want to go to class today. my favorite professor emailed me afterwards, letting me know he missed seeing me. how do you tell the world you’re on a break because you’re fucking sad?

#tw #tw ana diary #4norexla #mental illness #addiction #journal #sad thoughts #thoughts

[nickibun]

February 3rd, 2024

ed log:

dinner

thai tom yum soup | 250 cal

white wine, 4 glasses | 480 cal

lunch

tuna melt | 456 cal

breakfast

almond milk yogurt | 80 cal

granola | 70 cal

blueberries | 20 cal

total: 1,286 cal

usage + mood:

took a kpin early in the day to subside my hangover. then took a suboxone when the cravings for dope got too intense. bought some ketamine, mdma, & weed. i love small exchanges with my dealer, he’s so nice. i told him about my relapse. he listened, surprisingly.

daily log:

started my . yesterday, and i actually feel like im bleeding out. i called my ex the night prior. we had sex. he finished too quickly and left after not even attempting to make me cum. wtf. so, he came over again the next day to make it up to me.

i know i sound idiotic. exes and exes for a reason.

i get that. it wasn’t so bad, until 2 bottles were finished and he became himself. we argued after he held me while i cried because i felt so guilty for relapsing. i don’t want to repeat what the argument was about. it stung so much in the moment.

i didn’t try to restrict at all yesterday. i need to do better.

#4norexla #tw ed diet #tw drugs #sex and drugs #tw ana diary #tw

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January 31st, 2024

12:12 PM

Café on Fifth Ave

— ed log:

Jasmine Tea | 0 cal

Latte w/ Almond Milk | 130 cal

— usage + mood:

i’m feeling still today. granted, i took 1 mg of kpin and a bit of doc before bed last night, then a bit more this morning. also 10 mg of adderall to balance it out. thought i’d be able to make it to class this morning. obviously, i didn’t.

i’m sitting in a cafe sipping this latte trying to find the will power to sit in a classroom with my peers. my professor hasn’t seen me since two weeks ago. i keep telling myself im ok, and i truly think i am, but whenever someone asks i suddenly break down.

— daily log:

yesterday, i woke up next to 'A'. we rolled around in bed, and cuddled, and pillow talked. i really started to believe i could open up to her. we've been talking for about three months, on & off.

i am beginning to really like her. i introduced her to some of my friends the night prior. we went to a party and had a great time. sneaking off into corners, doing bumps of blow + making out was my favorite part. the stares we'd get were a close second.

we're both fashion students, but shes a bit older. ive been skeptical as to whether she really likes me at all, but that night seemed to confirm it.

once the party began to wind down, things got a bit strange. id rather not relive it so lets leave it at that. i told her i wanted to leave. so we did. hopped in a cab back to my friend's place, grabbed my tito's and went to mine.

we kissed and laughed in the cab. we took our clothes off and snuggled in my bed. once the energy was right, i lit candles and played the right music. ate her out for an hour until she came all over my sheets. her moans live in my mind.

we took a bath together, giddy yet calm conversation amongst candles in the dark.

"we complement each other well" she said.

as she dozed off while i caressed her back, i couldn't help but realize i might be falling.

i went to the bathroom to get high again.

the next morning, she wakes up around 8:30 am.

im already up, crying on the phone to my best friend about who knows what. as well as starting an argument with my friends from the party. my energy is heavy again.

'A' texts me from my bedroom, "did you sleep at all?"

i quickly rush out of the bathroom, my pupils pinned and eyelids heavy,

"of course dear, i got up early. i didn't mean to scare you."

she raises her arms out of the blanket, signaling me to give her a hug. she can see ive been crying. we laugh and pillow talk all morning. we talk lightheartedly about our trauma, childhoods, and she tells me she really likes getting to know me when i show vulnerability.

the juxtaposition of morning sun on our skin, what others would deem dark topics while we laughed and cuddled and kissed make it impossible to not love her. ive never felt more comfortable or genuine with a girl before. she sees me. i see her.

my soul feels light once again.

we get coffee, she leaves for therapy at 11:30, kisses me good bye. calls minutes later to see if she forgot something. comes back. as i open the door she says she had found it but came to kiss me again.

my heart is numb but if it could, i knew it'd be fluttering.

hours pass, we both have class. speak at five, with no demise. then at nine, i begin to whine. paranoia creeps in. theres nothing wrong, except that the days been too long.

"whatre ya doing?"

she doesnt respond.

"never mind then"

i call her, she declines.

"im on the train."

i check her location,

shes a few blocks from mine.

i check again;

she turns it off.

im getting high again. i call my best friend and cry again. my energy defaults, heavy once again.

#tw #tw ana diary #dear diary #addiction #lgbtqia #mental illness #poetry #writing #writers on tumblr #digital diary #recovery #sobriety #sad thoughts #sadgirl