lostdandelion

[lostdandelion]

I’m 22 now.

[lostdandelion]

I was not what tormented you, but the situations you were in. The marriage of your ex, the fights with you and your brother, the pressure you were on, and the things that happened to Tita. It all happened in my time. And you were reminded by them with my presence, because I knocked your defenses down, and you could not get past them your usual way.

It was not my fault, but you displaced them on me. Maybe that was better than accepting that things are hard for me, too. It was excruciating, and painful. Yet, I will never tell you this.

#ae #pr

[lostdandelion]

I understood everything but not the part that you never saw me trying. That ended me. So I won't apologize for the storm I brought, for you should know, that I respected the no, I was there for you, desperately wanting to be seen but never saw.

I understand everything but never those. If you only see them, then I'd never break loose ever again.

[lostdandelion]

i'm all over the place

#pr

[lostdandelion]

I understand. Leaving me was the choice you took, because you needed to find yourself. You had to chase your dreams, in memory of your mother. You wanted to settle for the best, I let you. I was so proud of you for doing so, for I know, you are off to be the best.

I understand. You wanted to focus, and the pain of going through losing me, the girl you love, is goinng to haunt you if you lost me the same way you did with her. I got it, that way. I let you go. You were set off by my best friend, you did what was you thought was best. Admitting to it, so I wouldn't question it anymore. I understood, I let go.

I understand. I made you sad. The doubts that filled my head never left my lips, and it hurt you. They never made you sleep good at nights. You said I made you vulnerable, and it was good to have a let out, but I never comforted you. It stung, a lot, but I endured. I said sorry, for I thought I was doing it right.

I understand. When you said you wanted to forget me and everything you felt for me, but I felt like meeting me was a mistake. That was how I felt. With shaky hands, I read your messages, and I saw that you blocked me. My love, my heart broke into multiple pieces, but the day that came, I told myself I never was a mistake. In the late day, I believed.

I understand. You put me in such bad light, for you thought I was putting you in such pressure, in such bad light, too. That I was not understanding anything, that I was exhausting you. That talking to me hurts you. I understand, love, I did. I just did not want you and your best friend to go awry because of me.

I understand, until I couldn't anymore. The pain that I kept for so long sung that it resonated through my voice. I was so angry, for you missed a lot of things. How I tried so hard for you.

How when you were hurting, I tried to be gentle. Yes, those doubts haunt me down, but whenever it's you, I think about what I should say, to comfort you. The movies I suggest, I'd think if it triggers you. The songs I give, I hope they ease you. I hope that you know that I am here for you.

The limitation we had broke me, and I kept it still everyday. I wanted to be there for you. I can never ask for more. I want to figure this out. I run to and fro, but I go back to you for I love you so.

I was there. That was I wanted you to know. I was there, but you did not see me. You thought I made you sad, but I tried so hard, it broke me. I looked at you beyond these bridges I built so I won't see you, but I cross them everyday, so I can be there for you.

You said I take a step back, you said I never wanted your sadness, but God, I wanted everything of you. I wanted to hold your hand and never let go until you cry, so you'll tell me what's on your mind. So I'll tell what's bothering me, too. I wanted you to see this so bad.

But when she called, I was set aside. I understood. I tried to. But it was breaking me apart, too.

That is why at the final moment, I told you how much it ached in my way. I let you see that I can hurt you, too. You never knew how much my heart told me not to do it, for I can never hurt someone I protected from me for so long, but it actually felt worth it, that time.

I was so lost. I was all over the place. I was so sad. I wanted it to be me. I wanted out of the limitations. I wanted you, so bad. The walls were broken a long time ago, I just let you feel like there were something more. I can never admit it, but you make me so weak.

You make me weak like I can never live without you. You make me cry like I never did. You make me feel a lot of things, and I get scared of losing you, so much.

You get into my system so much, that my anger rose, and I let you see me.

I understand, I really think I do.

But do you understand me? I screamed so much inside, asking you if it is me, now. Do you?

You are so cruel to me, too. You don't see that. I hate it to admit, but you are.

#ae

[lostdandelion]

Leaving was a good choice, but I wish you did not. Yet, I know, it was the right thing. Now that I cannot hold you anymore, can I miss you just the same? You will never know it anyway.

[lostdandelion]

Under the showers, I let it show. How much I know that no matter how these cracks settle, you will never come back. That anger and disappointment will only be your memories of me. That I was not someone you'd remember as good, but someone who did not understand.

Do you even know how much I did?

I understand, how hard it is for you, too. You did not want me to break, so you never told me, but your heart aches for her sometimes. I know, you'd scream at me now for this, but love, I know.

I keep on going back to it, because you tell me I do not understand. I do. When I burned our bridge, I saw how strong it was, unlike everything I destroyed. You were the first one to see, how I make things frail when I know it's about to end.

Yet, when it was burning, it was never damaged. I loved you even more. I'd run through this bridge, consuming me in flames. Maybe that was were I was wrong.

I burned you along with me.

You, who were so gentle and calm with me, I burned it. Because I couldn't take it.

I am not the one you need.

Do you love me? I know, you do. You come back when I scream your name. You want to ease my doubts, my pain. But I no longer listen.

I know, I know. You love me. You love me more. That's why you're so mad at me for doubting that repeatedly. Yet...

Why?

Why can't you see that you love me as her? Tell me, ease my mind, love. My heart knows no peace, for I know, we'd run out of things to say, but we can never tell nice things now.

We're high in anger and desperation to be heard. But we're close off.

I know you... I know you.

I know you love me.

I know, you know me.

You know I love you.

But this is not something we can say now.

#th #inked arts #writings on tumblr #lit #prose #ae #inked thoughts #spilled ink #writers in tumblr #inked

[lostdandelion]

I hated it. I hated how I dealt with the thing about you, but I couldn't think of anything else. I told you, I break things that I love. I ruin them deep, but I held you closer when you wanted to leave.

It was not me, not me. I'll tell myself, but it is. She is me. I wanted to stay as the good, understanding, and gentle soul, but she comes back when I cry so hard.

You understood me in ways that people never did, but I forgot to tell you that I am crazy. Yet I know, you knew. You didn't speak of it, just told me that it's okay.

I don't know anything anymore. I couldn't cage it, I am saying sorry to the people I said I'd finally stop. You asked me if it's the last.

No.

But this time, you'd never know. This is the only way I know, I am sorry. I write to let go, and if I don't, I'll never leave.

#th #inked arts #writings on tumblr #lit #prose #ae

[lostdandelion]

My prince, the one that got away.

I first fell in love when I was thirteen. I was barely out of my childhood, and I was busy exploring and wondering about the new things in my life. He was not someone I thought I would love, I remember disliking him for giving me corny things that I did not like, so to shorten our horror and to give myself comfort, I decided to commit us both to a ‘relationship’, which I planned to end at the end of the week. I remember him being uncomfortable, as he did not know what to do and we did not know each other yet, but the first I love you he told me was K3U. I did not understand what that meant, until he said that the letter K was divided into two, and with three it former a heart. It was like, I <3 U. It was so corny, but I still said it back, afraid he would feel bad if I did not say it back.

Of course, that week turned into months. I fell in love with him, a lot, more than I ever expected. He was not there always, but he always made me feel good. He wanted to study for us, so we would have a good life in the end, but I was still a kid back then. I did not know how to decide, and my beliefs were barely complete. I broke his heart a lot, but I broke his heart more when I changed because I happened to like another person who was not him.

So when he fell in love with someone else, I could not do anything about it. We were still together, but not quite, for he loved her more than me. I just realized it was my fault, for giving my attention to a guy who gave me up after the summer ended.

He was my prince, my the one who got away. I know I loved him a lot, but we were not meant to stay. I tried to make up for the things I did, but I knew he does not want me back anymore.

For now, I just want him to be truly happy.

#history

[lostdandelion]

A lot of people want to die and I want to lift them up. Don't die, please. Please be strong. :(

[lostdandelion]

I’m back but my presence here is not even acknowledged so I think I shouldn’t be here anymore.

[lostdandelion]

Mom, the moment that their music touched my ears, it captivated my heart. I would spend endless nights repeating the same album, and repeating the songs thrice, just to make sure that I don't miss the lyrics. I always lay on my thinking, what could it feel to see them sing live, singing my most loved songs, and how would my heart sink into deep within, seeing how perfect they are. I would imagine them singing with their heart almost showing, as their voice compliment the emotions on their voice. It would always be like that. And in the nights that I feel so down, I would be tucked in my bed, my blankets carelessly placed on my hips; as I am listening to the one of their songs, and if I'm lucky, I'd stumble into something that would make me fight for my life more. A song that would make me want to wake up tomorrow, and live my life again. Apparently, they become one of the reasons why I still strive to live up to this day. So when I get a chance to see them, I would grab it, for I have been craving to see them, to see them perform, to see the people who saved me without them knowing. And then, there you'd go, telling me not to attend something stupid, for it's just for my leisure and entertainment. You would say that it's just a waste of money, and I should focus on the more important things in my life. Mom, don't you see that they are important for me? That if weren't for them, I could have given up this life of mine? Did you have any idea how many times I wanted to end my life, for it felt like it was not worth it anymore. And these people, these artists and bands, they saved me. They made me live through those hard times. Their heartfelt music made me want to breathe again. And you know what, Mom? They saved me more than the times that you actually tried to talk to me.

A letter to my mother who said that going to the concerts of my favorite artists and bands is stupid. // a.j.

#spilled ink #writers on tumblr #writings on tumblr #wnq-writers #mom letter #thoughts #excerpt from my life #lit #literature corner #writerscreed #bands #saving #cf

[lostdandelion]

Calm down my heart, you'd be okay.

#pr

[lostdandelion]

My heart still constricts at the thought of you. I know it’s been weeks, or months, but I still cannot let my feelings go. You were still the one I think of in the mornings, and also my late thoughts at night. You still remain to be my muse even after a long period of time. And you know what, I do not want to think about you anymore. I want you out of my mind, out of heart, and out of my life. By this time, you don’t remember me much, maybe I was just another friend to you, the one that mattered only for a few moments, and then gone. This hurts so bad, I miss you so bad, and yet I can’t do anything, for you don’t want to be with me anymore. I’m out of ideas. I’m almost out of life, and yet I still fucking love you, damn it.

I miss you so much, I don’t know what to do anymore. // a.j.

#th #spilled ink #spilled words #musings #love #art #writerscreed #wnq-writers #poetrait #inkled thoughts #inked arts #prose #prose for him #unrequited love #excerpt from my life

[lostdandelion]

can i skip a day of missing you?

#pe

[lostdandelion]

I saw you again in the crowd of people, You were smiling at them, talking with them with ease, and you did not notice me standing there, waiting for you to just look at me. But I know, I am just being stupid, for why would you notice someone like me? Someone so broken and lost, someone so ugly and misshaped. How could I even wish in the shooting stars? When I knew that my wishes would never be granted. For I know you would never love someone like me. Someone that is a weed among the most beautiful flowers, someone that is left to be forgotten.

the weed // a.j.

#spilled ink #musings #a quote from my life #stories of my life #written works #lit #literature works #poems #poetry #writerscreed #poetryriot #inkled thoughts #pe #love #romance #collection #mess #spilled thoughts #spilled words #inked arts #last #i feel like i'm overusing their tag :(

[lostdandelion]

she got the reddest lips, and a personality to die for. she was ideal, he was flawed. everyone loved her because of her sparkle, and everyone loved him because of his darkness. that’s why when they met at crossroads, he saw her special, and she saw him beautiful. and as the world spun at its axis, as days come, both of them found love in one another. but the longer he stayed, the faster he faded. he was darkness, and she was all sparkles. she was shining, and he was gloomy. he was the stormy sky, and she was the starry night. that’s why when she was not looking, he ran away, left her heart on the pedestal, and took a different path. she was worth loving. it was real. he was in love. he was in love with her, that he let her in, he let her feel what it was like to be him. but, in the end, he was losing himself in the light. he was everything she is not, and it felt too much. she was too much.

could it be possible to have dark sparkles? ✨ // a.j.

#spilled ink #musings #a quote from my life #stories of my life #written works #lit #literature works #poems #poetry #writerscreed #poetryriot #inkled thoughts #pe #love #romance #collection #mess #spilled thoughts #spilled words #inked arts