Thantophobia
fandom: BTS
pairing: Suga | Min Yoongi/V | Kim Taehyung
word count: 2,555
other: nightmares, emotional hurt/comfort, dream major character death, he’s not really dead though
summary:
Thantophobia
(n.) the fear of losing someone you love
“Last night, he told Jungkookie he’d be right back, he was just going for a walk. Someone found him in the park, Yoongi, he was attacked.”
Yoongi drops the spoon he’s using to stir, freezing.
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The night before had been so normal . Yoongi stayed in the studio until the late hours of the night. When he got back to the dorm the only people awake were Jungkook and Taehyung playing games on the TV. Taehyung. Taehyung had been right there . He was fine. Yoongi had just gone to bed without saying anything to them.
God , he wishes he had said something.
When Seokjin wakes him up in the morning he’s crying. Yoongi shoots up, confused and worried, “Hyung, what’s wrong?”
“Yoon,” Seokjin chokes, more tears spill over his red cheeks, “Yoongi, it’s Tae.”
Yoongi furrows his brow, “I don’t understand, hyung, what’s wrong with Taehyung, what happened?”
Seokjin sits on the edge of Yoongi bed, crumbling in on himself as he sobs, “Last night, he told Jungkookie he’d be right back, he was just going for a walk,” Yoongi still doesn’t know what’s wrong, but there’s a pit forming in his stomach, “Someone found him in the park, Yoongi, he was attacked.”
“Attacked?” Yoongi repeats, voice hoarse.
“He was taken to the hospital, but Yoongi,” Seokjin cries harder, reaching out and gripping Yoongi’s hand with force, “He didn’t… he stopped… he didn’t make it through the night.”
Yoongi freezes, whole body turning rigid and cold, “This isn’t funny,” he snaps, pushing himself out of bed on shaky legs, “I don’t know what kind of sick joke this is, but it isn’t funny.”
“Yoongi, stop.”
Yoongi yanks his hand from Seokjin’s hold, “Where is he? The living room?” He stumbles out of his bedroom, Seokjin calling in broken sobs behind him. He has to use the wall for support when he rushes into the living room.
Namjoon is holding Jungkook and Jimin tightly on the couch, Namjoon looks numb but his eyes are shining with tears. Jimin is sobbing wretched sobs against Namjoon’s neck. Jungkook is biting his hand to muffle his own sobs, holding Jimin’s hand across Namjoon’s lap with his free one. Hoseok’s thrown across Namjoon’s lap, sitting on the floor, shaking and crying like a Disney Princess. It would have been amusing, how close they are to one another, if there wasn’t someone so obviously missing.
“Where’s Taehyungie?” Yoongi chokes out, vision flattening. Jimin cries harder and Jungkook shakes his head. Yoongi turns back to the bedrooms, tripping over himself to get to Taehyung’s room, “Taehyung-ah!” He calls over and over again with increasing panic. He can hear Namjoon and Seokjin calling behind him but his ears are buzzing with static. Seokjin and Namjoon throw their arms around him just as Yoongi’s legs give out from underneath him, the two of them holding him so he doesn’t collapse to the floor.
“Hyung,” Namjoon cries against his ear, “Hyung, he’s not here, he’s gone.”
Yoongi shakes his head, tears finally building in his eyes, “Taehyung, Taehyung, Taehyung,” he mutters over and over again through thick sobs. Somewhere along the way Hoseok crashes into them, making them all fall forward on Taehyung’s— Taehyung— bed. They cry in a pile, only moving back to the living room when Jimin’s sobs turn to something akin to screams.
Jungkook’s holding Jimin to his chest back on the couch, Jimin screaming his sobs harsher than any of them have heard anyone cry before. Jungkook’s crying apologies over and over again, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have let him go, I should have gone with him, I should have had him take a manager with him, or a bodyguard, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, Jiminie, I’m so sorry, it’s my fault, I’m sorry.”
And in turn, Jimin is screaming and crying back, “It’s okay, you can’t blame yourself, don’t be sorry, you didn’t know, I’m sorry, please don’t blame yourself, you can’t do this to yourself, it’ll be okay, Jungkookie, I’m sorry, I miss him, why would he go ?”
They’re practically laying on top of each other, tears mingling together where Jungkook’s drips down his neck and Jimin cries against them.
Yoongi watches them from the hallway for a beat before he’s shaking with tears again, “Hyung,” he turns to Seokjin, “I never told him.”
Seokjin hugs him again, pressing Yoongi against his chest, “I know, Yoongi.”
“I never told him, he never knew,” Yoongi sobs, clutching his only hyung’s shirt with a desperation he’s never felt before, “I never told him I love him, hyung, I never-” he passes out before he can finish his sentence.
Yoongi jolts up in his bed, gasping for air that he can’t quite get into his lungs, clawing at his own chest and coughing. He can hear his own breath in his ears, grating and shallow. His cheeks are wet with tears that are still pouring from his eyes. He blocks his mouth with the back of his hand, unable to stop sobs from raking out of his throat.
Taehyung .
Had he dreamed it all? But he had passed out in the end, and it felt so real . Maybe…
He can’t take any chances. Before he can stop himself he’s rolling out of bed and throwing his door open. It’s dark. It must be late at night still, all the lights in the dorm are shut off, but he knows how to get to Taehyung’s room, he doesn’t need to see to get there. He opens the door as quietly and quickly as possible, he doesn't want to wake the others up if he can help it.
Taehyung’s inside, he’s there, breathing, illuminated by the moon through his open window blinds. He’s ready for bed, looks like he was about to climb under his covers to sleep, but now he’s squinting through the darkness to see who burst into his room.
“Yoongi hyung?” Taehyung calls quietly, and the moment Yoongi hears his voice air comes crashing back into his lungs with painful speed, causing him to let out a gasp that quickly fades into a quiet sob, “Hyung, what’s wrong?”
Yoongi’s legs feel ready to collapse as he tries to step toward Taehyung who seems to understand that Yoongi’s trying to reach him and walks to him instead.
The minute he’s within reach Yoongi lunges his hands forward, pushing his hands through Taehyung’s hair, and down his face and neck, grasping for anything he can hold to prove that Taehyung is here . Taehyung places steadying hands on Yoongi’s waist, and he looks so worried that Yoongi can’t help but cry more, “Hyung?”
“You’re here,” Yoongi says in an almost silent cry, hands cupping Taehyung’s face, “You’re here.”
“I’m here,” Taehyung nods, squeezing Yoongi’s waist firmly, “I’m right here, hyung, it’s okay.”
Yoongi wraps his arms around Taehyung, pulling him into a tight hug. With his face pressed against Taehyung’s neck he cries more freely, hiccuping out sob after sob. He thinks about Jimin in his dream, crying into Jungkook’s neck, and cries harder. Taehyung holds him tightly, whispering reassurances into his ear.
“I was so scared,” Yoongi sobs, “I was so, so scared. I thought I lost you, thought I lost you for good, fuck , Taehyungie, I was so scared.”
“Did you have a nightmare?” Taehyung asks softly, and Yoongi just nods, crying a little softer, “It wasn’t real, it’s okay, I’m still here. Right here, hyung, I’m not going anywhere, I’m here.”
It takes five more minutes of broken sobs and reassurances before Taehyung’s able to manhandle Yoongi to his bed, sitting beside each other with their hands intertwined.
Now that he isn’t crying uncontrollably a feeling of pure embarrassment and shame creeps up on Yoongi, “I’m sorry, Tae, if I had stayed in my room I could have calmed myself down, I shouldn’t have come and bothered you.”
“Hyung,” Taehyung’s voice is firm but so soothing, “I’m so glad you came to me. You always encourage me to seek people out when I’m upset, the same goes for you.”
Yoongi sighs, bringing his free hand up to wipe his drying tears from his cheeks, partly to hide the new tears forming in his eyes.
“What was your nightmare about?”
Yoongi’s stomach twists uncomfortably when images of his dream flash in front of his eyes, “You,” he starts, taking deep breaths so his throat won’t close up, “You went for a walk the night before, by yourself. Something happened, I don’t know, but hyung came and woke me up, and he was crying, and-”
“Hey, hey,” Taehyung cups Yoongi’s cheek, drawing his face to make him meet Taehyung’s eyes, “Breathe, okay? You’re panicking again. It’s okay.”
“Okay,” Yoongi sucks in a deep breath before he continues, slower this time, “He told me you’d been attacked, I don’t know, you didn’t make it to the hospital on time,” he’s crying again, he realizes, tears burning his raw cheeks, “I didn’t even say goodnight the night before, I never got to say goodbye, you were just gone . There was so much crying, Jiminie,” he’s shaking again, holding back sobs, “Jiminie was sobbing so loudly, and Seokjin hyung had to hold me because I couldn’t stand on my own. It felt so real , I woke up and couldn’t remember if it really happened, I was just so scared.”
“But it didn’t really happen, Yoongi hyung, and I’m right here,” Taehyung leans forward and presses a kiss to Yoongi’s forehead, “I’m right here, it’s okay.”
Taehyung hugs Yoongi again, whispering reassurances in his ear again, “I feel like such a baby,” Yoongi laughs wetly.
Taehyung hums, “A baby, my baby, my baby hyung,” he teases and Yoongi laughs again, “Do you want to sleep here, baby?”
Yoongi flushes pink at the pet name but nods, “If that’s okay.”
“Of course it’s okay, of course, as long as you can deal with my clinginess.”
“I was just about to ask if this means I get your cuddles,” Yoongi smiles softly against Taehyung’s neck.
“Always,” Taehyung pets his hair before pulling away, “Let’s get you under these covers, baby.”
Yoongi shakes his head fondly, allowing Taehyung to move him under the blankets. When they’re both under the covers, their eyes having adjusted to the dark already enough for them to move comfortably, Taehyung hugs Yoongi to his chest, their legs entangled. Yoongi’s hands clutch Taehyung’s shirt and he feels like he can’t ever be close enough to Taehyung right now. Taehyung hugs him as close as possible anyway, giving Yoongi’s head another kiss, “Sleep, hyung. It’s okay. I’m right here.”
Yoongi’s making dinner for everyone to sit down and share for the first time in a while. It’s been three days since his nightmare, and neither he nor Taehyung have told anyone about it. Taehyung treats him a little differently, but not in a way that Yoongi minds. It’s small things, like sitting closer, and touching Yoongi more casually. It’s nice.
Yoongi’s almost finished with dinner when Taehyung walks to the door, “Where are you going, Tae-ah? Dinner’s almost ready.”
“Oh, hey, hyung! I won’t be gone long, I’m just gonna go for a walk, get some fresh air. I’ll be back in five minutes.”
“Last night, he told Jungkookie he’d be right back, he was just going for a walk. Someone found him in the park, Yoongi, he was attacked.”
Yoongi drops the spoon he’s using to stir, freezing.
“Hyung?” Taehyung calls, frowning, “I’m just going for a walk, I’ll be right back.”
“No,” Yoongi says, and he hears how loud he says it belatedly. Taehyung flinches. His yell seems to attract attention from the connecting living room where the others are.
“Everything okay?” Namjoon calls. Yoongi ignores him.
“No?” Taehyung repeats, confused, “It’s just a walk, I’ll be back in no time.”
“No, you can’t,” Yoongi snaps again and he can feel how his voice wavers, “You can’t, I won’t let you.”
The others are standing and watching them now but Yoongi doesn’t care, watching instead as realization dawns on Taehyung’s face.
“Oh, hyung,” he rushes forward, trying to cup Yoongi’s face in his hands but Yoongi shrugs him off, turning away to hide his tears that have begun to form, “I’m sorry, I didn’t even think. I’m so sorry.”
Yoongi’s shoulders shake as he speaks in a wet voice, “You can’t, Taehyung, I can’t,” he’s cut off when he makes eye contact with Taehyung and the younger man pulls him into a hug.
“I’m sorry, I won’t go.”
“I can’t lose you.”
“You won’t lose me. I’m right here, I won’t go. I’m not going anywhere.”
Yoongi cries into Taehyung’s shoulder, “I’m so stupid, this is so stupid, it wasn’t even real .”
“It’s okay, you’re not stupid, it’s not stupid if it’s hurting you.”
Yoongi pulls back, wiping his tears and laughing humorlessly, “I’m sorry, Tae, I didn’t mean to yell at you, but,” he takes a shaky breath, “Please don’t go, will you stay? I’ll be so worried.”
“Of course, don’t apologize, it’s okay,” Taehyung smiles. They’re interrupted when Jungkook clears his throat awkwardly.
“Hyung, are you okay?” He asks Yoongi, and Yoongi nods.
“Yeah, yeah, sorry. I had a nightmare a few nights ago, a bad one. Taehyungie just reminded me of it, but it’s fine. I’m fine.”
Seokjin crosses the kitchen and looks into the pot, “Dinner looks ready,” he casts a smile at Yoongi, “Let’s forget about it with good food, yeah?”
That night, after dinner, Taehyung asks if Yoongi will sleep in his room again. Yoongi agrees, and when he’s ready for bed he meets Taehyung there.
“Hey, hyung?” Taehyung bites his lip, “If it had been someone else, would it have scared you as much?”
“What?”
“I mean, if it had been Jungkookie, or Jiminie. Would you have panicked as much when you woke up?”
Yoongi swallows thickly, “It felt so real, Taehyungie, it would have been scary no matter who it was,” he sits down beside Taehyung, “But it was different, because it was you.”
“Different how?”
“Well,” he laughs softly, “I’m not in love with Jiminie or Jungkookie, for starters,” Taehyung’s mouth drops open in a soft ‘o’, “I had been so afraid that I’d lost you before I could tell you that. I was still afraid these last few days that I might lose the chance to tell you. Until right now, I guess.”
“You’re in love with me?”
Yoongi looks up at Taehyung who’s staring at him in shock, but not unkindly, “Yeah,” Yoongi breathes in response quietly.
Taehyung leans forward and pulls Yoongi into a brief hug. When he lets go he’s grinning, “I love you too,” he kisses Yoongi’s forehead.
Yoongi had been pretty sure for a long time that Taehyung felt the same way, but he was worried about how it would affect the group, so he never said anything. Now, he doesn’t know why he was so afraid to begin with. This is Taehyung , and it’s Yoongi , and it’s just them . He’d do anything to be able to be with him.
“You missed,” Yoongi smirks, and Taehyung laughs, leaning forward again and pressing their lips together. They fit together easily, like they were meant for each other.
“Hyung, I can’t kiss you if you’re smiling,” Taehyung says against Yoongi’s mouth, but he’s smiling too, both of them trying desperately to stop their lips from revealing their teeth.
“I can’t help it,” Yoongi laughs, cupping Taehyung’s face, “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
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