just-a-phase

[just-a-phase]

Atp no one would even care if i tried again

[just-a-phase]

I wish my first suicide attempt worked

People always talk about being happy they survived, but how long do i have to wait until i get to that point

#tw suicide

[just-a-phase]

Before i was friends with my best friend, she used to bully me, it wasnt even that bad, she just told me i was annoying most of the time, or telling me to go away. But the last time she did it before my mum stepped in was the worst, she told me

"You're so annoying, no one will ever love you"

Every interaction ive ever had has been tainted by those 9 little words. I was barely 9 myself, everytime i have a bad day those words play on repeat, everytime I've tried to kill myself i told myself it was okay, because i was annoying and no one would ever love me anyway, everytime someone so much as breathes heavily i tell myself to shut up because im annoying them. Everytime i cut and gain new scars i think its okay because who would want to love someone like me anyway, its okay that im ruined. When older men message me asking for pics of my cuts, or bodychecks, all i can think is that this is the only time anyone is ever going to want me anyway. When i starve, and im quiet, i hope it lasts forever, because maybe someone will put up with me, at least for a little while. When i dont talk for days and no one notices, i hope i never talk again, even though i dont last long. When i cant get out of bed and feel like everything is crushing down on me, when theres way too much to do and so little time, i tell myself its okay, i can always kill myself, because im annoying and wont be missed. When i get blood all over myself, and i reek of alcohol and cigarettes, and it has to be obvious im not okay, and no one says anything, i tell myself i shouldn't be suprised, that im annoying, so of course they dont care. When its my birthday tomorrow and i know they'll all forget, its okay because im annoying. They all have new friends, and i have 1 SENCO teacher whos obligated to hang out with me, but i dont want to subject more people to how annoying i am. Everytime i cry and my mum tells me im ruining her already shitty day, i replay those words, i think about how right she is.

I love her so much

But im annoying, so she will never love me back

#vent post #idk #kinda wanna die #not an ed #depression #tw self harm #tw sui vent #tw suicide

[just-a-phase]

Do you ever get so proud of a cut you want to show people, but obviously can't

Like it just looks really pretty, or is deep and you're proud about it. Idk maybe its just the mentally illness

#tw self harm #self harrrm #cuttıng

[just-a-phase]

Imagine having a man control your life, couldnt be me

(i live every moment in fear that my dad will track me down and i will have to relive the hell of seeing him again.

i ache with dread, i dont post my face anywhere even if he's blocked, in fear he will find me, i freeze in terror everytime i see someone who even vaguely looks like him, i unblock him so i can see his childrens faces,who i miss everyday, and so i can refresh my memory of what they look like, i curse their mother for staying with him knowing that she is a victim too, but also an accomplice, she has been told and has witnessed his crimes, and her children will suffer because of it.

i have conversations about fathers and cannot speak, for all my memories are tainted by knowledge, a gaping hole where he should fill is left a fleshy cavity.

i laugh until i cry at the irony of things hes done while my friends weave sympathetic words, telling me their sorry and didn't know-will this change things?did they think i was overreacting before?they dont even kow the worst parts, parts even i have blocked out, that i question are even real, that i will never know the truth of, as he will never answer honestly

my mother tells me memories i should have, but have forgotten, i lay awake wondering what else i have lost)

.

#original poem #tw abuse #tw vent #tw manipulation #vent post #please end my suffering #please

[just-a-phase]

15/8/23

#anorexik #not an ed #calories #counting calories #caloric intake

[just-a-phase]

14/8/23

#anorexik #not an ed #calories #counting calories #caloric intake

[just-a-phase]

13/8/23

#anorexik #not an ed #calories #counting calories #caloric intake

[just-a-phase]

13/8/23

#anorexik #not an ed #calories #counting calories #caloric intake

[just-a-phase]

12/8/23

Stepdads bday, had to have takeaway and cake, fml

#anorexik #not an ed #calories #counting calories #caloric intake

[just-a-phase]

11/8/23

#anorexik #not an ed #calories #counting calories #caloric intake

[just-a-phase]

Looked at old bodychecks, i thought i looked huge bacjk then but i was so thin, i hope i get back down there again, im praying i have the willpower not to fuck it up this time

#anorexik #not an ed #calories #counting calories #body dysmorphia #exercise addiction

[just-a-phase]

10/9/23

Found raw chicken on my apple and purged most of this

#anorexik #not an ed #calories #counting calories #caloric intake #bulimia

[just-a-phase]

9/8/23

#anorexik #not an ed #calories #counting calories #caloric intake

[just-a-phase]

8/8/23

#anorexik #not an ed #calories #counting calories #caloric intake

[just-a-phase]

8/8/23

#anorexik #not an ed #calories #counting calories #caloric intake

[just-a-phase]

6/8/23

#anorexik #not an ed #calories #counting calories #caloric intake