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jubjubmaz · 4 months

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Huh so I wrote an Astarion fanfic a while back. I’ve never posted fanfiction here before so here goes! I rewrote the dark urge scene where you try attacking whoever sleeps near you. Looking back there maybe be a few little errors lore wise but oh well. Spoilers ahead for Act 2?

I shake him frantically, my heart deafening my ears. My hands barely grip his shoulders, trembling enough to fumble at the fabric of his tunic. Just a little harder, it muses, go on. We both know how desperate you are to watch him writhe.

My eyes flicker to the dagger a few feet away from us. My breath hitches, his name escaping my throat, “Wake up, Astarion- Wake up!”

His eyes flutter open with a small groan- the voices chant louder, my fingers twitching at his shirt. I quickly bring my hand back to my side, gripping the fabric of my pants. I try calming the lump in my chest with a few breaths. “Well, hello. Looking for a cuddle?” he teases, sitting back in a relaxed position.

My breath speeds up, my eyes darting to his throat. You could lunge at him~ he'd die so quickly beneath you. I press my eyes shut, ordering it to stop. His fingers graze my knee, “You… don't look entirely like yourself,” he pauses, gently leaning in, “What’s going on in that head of yours, Darling?”

He rests back again, observing me softly. If he has even an ounce of panic within him, he doesn’t show it. I frown at him, almost pleading. How could he look so relaxed? How could he when the-? Come now, you could kill him so easily. He trusts you. Just a slice, come on. My words catch in my throat as I feel the need to act entrap my limbs in a will that is not my own, “Now isn’t the time. I need to protect you,” the words are practically forced out of my mouth, a dryness stinging my tongue.

I choke on my words, seemingly useless against the dark urge. It begins at my feet, a tingling sensation left on my skin as I feel it rise within me.

Still, he observes me with tender eyes. He studies the tremble of my hands and yet a smile tickles his lips, “Alright,” he hums, “Talk quickly then.”

My head spins as I tell him, explaining quickly Sceleritas’s visit. A headache threatens to split my skull, my breathing laboring over itself. Everynow and again I stumble on my words and need to pause to catch my breath. Still the urge grows and floods through me and still Astarion watches me, not an ounce of panic amidst him. I silently plead for him to show at least some signs of worry. If not for me, then at least for himself. I try studying for any signs of anxiety but even his fingertips remain gentle under his cot. How? How could he be so calm? My chest grows heavy and I take a moment to stare at the ground, praying the world will stay within focus. The dagger catches my eye again. Its so close, its so close, just as he is. You crave death child. You crave it more than most. Just give in. Give in and fulfill your needs.

Tears prick the corners of my eyes, “I’m… going to kill the person I care about most: you. Unless you can stop me-,” I pause, the splitting headache forcing black spots into the corner of my vision, I pant and meet his eyes, pleading with him, “I need you to stop me.”

His eyes widen at the revelation, my words having been quite unexpected. He regains his usual composure, leaning back into his ease and sighs, “How flattering. And disturbing,” his eyes flicker to my hands before meeting mine again. This time when he speaks, there's a sharpness to his tone, a hint of frustration, “You could’ve talked to me before things got murderously bad, you know. We are technically in this together.”

He sighs before leaning in closer and gently grazing my jaw with his fingers, “Whatever it is that is controlling you, we can fight it,” he softly assures, “I know that better than anyone.”

Relief washes over me at his words, but the voices do not quiet down. They focus on his touch, Bite his hand off! You crave his blood! You crave his pain!

I tear myself away from him, panting. I turn away, staring at the ground as my eyes flicker shut, “Tie me up- Tie me up!”

My vision blurs, bile flooding the back of my throat. My fingers dig deep into the ground as I try refusing every ounce of my body to move back towards him. My head spins and the ground welcomes me as its own.

✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧

The darkness eases a little and his blurred body comes into focus. As I have before, I feel as if my body is not my own. I can barely make out his words through the deafening buzzings of the voice, piling onto each other and screaming for blood, “This thing won’t have you,” he states, “It won’t win.”

He says it so confidently. So sure that it won’t. As if the rope doesn’t dig into my wrists, blood trickling down my hands. As if I don’t writhe in front of him, with a desperation to be unchained. A desperation to lunge at him and have him die at my hand. I can hear myself quietly grunting and groaning, as if I were a wild beast, upset by its chains. It would be quite the comical predicament were his life not at risk. He leans back in a seated position, quietly observing me. The rope drills into my wrists and my shoulder buries itself into the ground. My mouth fills with blood as I bite down on my cheek. Tears sting the corners of my eyes as a certain sense of hopelessness washes over me. I toss and I turn endlessly on the ground as a toddler would throw a tantrum. How ridiculous I must look.

I twitch violently as a wave of aggression washes over me, “I will scoop out those watchful eyes and feed them to the dogs!”

Even my voice doesn’t feel quite like my own, it's usually soft intonation reduced to nothing. I gasp again, unable to catch my breath long enough. My skin tingles and restrains me, rendering me useless. My skin feels like a trap, a prison as the dark urge washes over me. Astarion raises an amused eyebrow at my words. He leans in close but out of reach as my body twitches towards him, “You’re cute, you know,” he teases, “In another life, we might’ve been friends.”

My jaw cracks as it wrenches open violently and I writhe again, twisting on the ground. It's just rope, fight it-fight it, once you’re free you can be rid of him and his incessant teasing, the voice lulls, you want this. My nails dig into my skin, desperate to grab at the rope and break free. I grieve for the future me who will awake with the bruises and scratches of this night's burden. I huff, my heels digging holes into the ground. The weight on my chest suffocates me and I wish nothing more for this to be over. My disgruntled voice echoes out of my throat as I attempt to break free from the iron grip of the dark urge, “Th-thank… you,” I pant, biting down on my cheek again.

He leans back, still so casually observing me. No weapon rests near us, our team mates still tending to their slumber. Just us. Just us and the dark urge that encroaches on my agency. “You’d do the same to me,” he sighs, offering a smile, “Now just relax- dawn isn’t far off.”

The night continues, my incessant jitters quieting down every now and then. My body sways and my mind numbs and yet I find myself grateful no blood was shed other than my own. I may have fallen victim to the rope and its ruthless tears at my skin but at least everyone is alive. At least everyone is safe. The sun rises, the urge falls and my eyelids droop close.

✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧

I awake to my thoughts. They swarm and overwhelm me, rendering me quiet for quite a few minutes, taking in my surroundings. They are a lot, but they are my own. My wrists rub against each other, dousing my hands and forearms in a numbing pain. The rope hangs limply, still binding me. My clothes stick to my skin, soaked in the sweat of my fits. I shift into a seated position, my body sore from the night's events. I can already pinpoint where the bruises will prune on my skin. Astarion approaches me wordlessly, cutting away at the rope before taking a seat in front of me. I stretch my wrists, stiff from their cage. They sting with pain and it is only when I bring them into my lap that I understand why. The rope has left a bloody pattern where it cut deep into my skin. Tears seep to the corners of my eyes as the weight of what my body went through sinks in. I take in a shaky breath, my hands trembling incessantly.

He observes me quietly, waiting for me to fully come to my senses. I don’t speak. Even if I did, I don’t know what I’d say. “Now that you’re back with us,” his head tilts, catching my gaze before he continues, “We need to have a talk.”

I stare down at my lap, gently picking at the fabric of my pants. I sigh shakily, biting my lip before speaking. My jaw aches as I speak, “I-... it's my fault. The urges… They've been whispering to me for quite a while now. Up until now, I’ve been- I was able to fight them off. Although… this one- this one was so violent. I don’t understand. Truly I don’t understand why it was so aggressive,” I pinch at the fabric, twisting it lightly between my thumb and my index before meeting his eyes, “I’m sorry, I should’ve said something sooner. The voice… it's just so… so…”

“Violating?” he offers. Once I nod, he sighs, “If anyone understands an internal voice forcing your hand, I do. But that's not who we are now.”

He leans back, eyeing me. A small smile curves his lips, “We make our own choices, and you made the right one last night.”

“You aren’t alone in this- none of us are,” he raises his arms, as if he were offering something, “We can even compare notes if you’d like.”

I bite my lower lip again, a sense of dread weighing on my chest. I rub slow circles into the palm of my hand, “You… you are allowed to hate me for this. If I hadn’t been able to… to stop myself. You’d be dead. If I had said something earlier- this could’ve been avoided, but I was too stubborn and that put you at risk.”

“Oh hush,” he says, waving his hand at me, “You were able to stop yourself. You didn’t hurt me. And look,” he places a hand on his chest, “I’m still here.”

He leans forward, trailing his finger along my jaw and tilting my face up to meet his eyes, “I don’t hate you. Because this is not you, Darling. But whatever this is, you will get through it. And I’ll be here to make sure you do.”

His words wash over me, comfort I hadn’t quite expected from him. I twist my lower lip between my teeth, dropping my eyes down to my lap. Tears flood to my eyes and it takes a few deep breaths to find my composure again. He remains quiet, his eyes boring into the top of my head. As I process what he’s said, he sighs and shuffles next to me, wrapping a reassuring arm around my shoulders. He pulls me gently against his chest, “I understand how violated you must feel, my love.”

He rubs a soft circle along my bicep, breathing just slightly louder so that I may match his pace. I frown, taking a deep breath as I slowly speak, “I don’t… I don’t understand how you remained so… so calm. Were you not worried I’d hurt you? The urge- it was so adamant about harming you- about killing you. Did you not see me eyeing the dagger?”

He chuckles. Not in his usual mocking way, in a gentle way as if he were exhaling, “Darling, it’ll be a cold day in hell the day you’re able to kill me,” he laughs again before taking in a tender tone, “I saw you eyeing the dagger, just like I saw you pulling away from me. I knew you had yourself under control just like I knew you would warn me were you to lose it. I admit touching you was not the smartest idea on my part but, as it stands, I survived,” he chuckles before teasingly adding, “Besides, it would be unlike you to harm… what was it again? The person you care about most?”

I still as he recalls what I said, my face warming with embarrassment. I playfully push him away, trying to fight off the smile on my face, “Come on, that's not fair!”

He lightly catches my hands, his eyes flickering down to take in my wrists before meeting mine again. He smiles, “Is it not? This is the first time you’ve properly smiled since last night- I’d call it worth it.”

He brings my hands to his face, gently trailing kisses along my wrists, “We should get you cleaned up,” he murmurs against my skin.

And although our three favorite words aren’t spoken, there is a mutual understanding that they are shown as he cleans my wounds and offers a kiss with every wince.

✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧

BONUS SCENE

The sun rises over the camp, the birds awakening in chirps and song. The camp stirs and I walk, gently retracing the path to Astarions tent. To no surprise, he is awake, lazily lounging on one of the many couches in his space. It's a wonder if this man ever sleeps, although, I do find that he does when in my arms. He hears me approaching, as he always does, and sets down his book, “Good morning! Thank you for not killing me the other night!”

I visibly cringe at the words, slightly surprised at his ease to joke around about his would-be murder. I lightly chuckle to ease my anxiety, “Good morning to you too.”

Noticing my uneasiness, he stands and approaches me, planting himself right in front of me. He meets my eyes, taking on a teasing voice with an undertone of genuinity, “Are you alright or is today a ‘I will wed you with a delicate veil of blood blooming over your white curls’ type of day?”

He laughs but his smile falls short when he notices my unwavering worry. I rub my arm, gently tapping my foot on the ground, “I’m so worried about you,” I pause, frowning at the ground before darting my eyes back to his, “What if I get possessed again?

He feigns worry, still joking around. With a scoff, he states, “I’m also worried about me,”he pauses, sighing, “But I seem to somehow be worried about you more.”

He seems confused at his statement, as if he himself hadn’t expected such a thing. “Hm,” he takes another step forward, softly lacing his fingers around my hand, “You give me something to care for,” he smiles, “and that's worth the peril.”

My breath catches in my throat at that moment, completely floored by his statement. “Can I kiss you?”

The question falls out of me before I can think twice and a light blush adorns my surprised face. He chuckles, but doesn’t move away. Instead he leans closer, “You may.”

I gently kiss his cheek, softly bringing our foreheads together, “I love you,” I murmur, “And I’m sorry to burden you with this.”

He places his hand on my shoulder, trailing his fingers along my neck and resting it on my cheek, “There’s no need to apologize, my love. It is not something you can control,” he kisses my forehead, “I love you too.”

Anywho hope you enjoyed it 🧍 I’ve never shared my writing publicly.

#bg3 astarion #bg3 spoilers #bg3 #bg3 tav #bg3 dark urge #bg3 fanfiction #astarion #astarion fanfic #i’m scared #angst with a happy ending #light angst #hurt/comfort #ive never done this before #I’m NOT A COP #i’m so normal #this has been going on for at least 3 months #anyways #hope you enjoy

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