jedwaiibw

[jedwaiibw]

Dear Aubrey,

Hey, I hope you’re doing okay, I miss you, I’ll always miss you. I know you probably won’t respond to this much less read it. I know how you like to only communicate when all the planets are aligned or whatever. Lol.  I just thought I’d go ahead and write this anyway. They say closure isn’t something you can get in real life, it’s a fantasy, a fairy tale told to little kids alongside tales of Santa Claus, happily ever afters and virginity. But I’ve never been someone who could see the line between fantasy and reality. Maybe there doesn’t have to be one. Anyway, last we talked I told you I planned on reenlisting into the military. Well it seems like that is becoming a reality. It was a long road to get readmitted into the military. I had to do a lot of growing, a lot of unlearning and a lot of healing, not only so that I could get in but also so that when I venture back out into the world I don’t make the same mistakes I made all throughout my twenties. So that I don’t hurt people, allow others to hurt me, or hurt myself. This has been the toughest challenge of my life and it’s taken so much out of me and I’m grateful for it.  When I leave for basic training I plan to leave everything behind, to let go of everything so that I may continue to grow. I will be permanently deleting all of my social media, changing my phone number and changing my name, (legally this time lol) I finally found one that I like. I’ve done all of this before. I've changed my phone number numerous times, I’ve changed my name, I’ve deleted all accounts, I’ve moved away with no promise of return, I’ve done it all before. However the difference is before I did it out of fear, insecurities, cowardice, resentment, rebellion, all the worst intentions possible. This time I’m choosing to prioritize myself, to lead with love, to pursue growth and to let go of anything holding me back from who I’m meant to be. So I write this letter to you as a love letter, wrapped in a goodbye letter. Aubrey I met you at a weird point in my life, I had just blown up my first serious relationship and had been banished back to my depressing hometown. You were a saving grace in a dark time for me. One of the main reasons my previous relationship hadn’t worked out was because I couldn’t get past the fact that she didn’t look like anything I expected my “true love” to be. You did, you checked every box, and more than that I saw so much of myself in you. I saw a chance to give to you what I had so desperately needed but could not articulate. Because of that I loved you so deeply, but because of that I also never let you live as you. I was so caught up in the idea of you and us that I never allowed for you to be anything more than a reflection of me. For that I am so sorry, that dreaded night or nights where I would become enraged are some of my worst memories. I said that I was lashing out because of your marital status but that was never true. It was just the only thing I could articulate at the time. Like I said, in you I saw myself, but I also saw my Dad in you and in me through you. That night when I was on top of you attacking you, that was a direct reenactment of my worst fight with me and my father, except he was on top of me choking me while I squirmed beneath him. A lot of those violent actions were reenactments of my father.  I’m not mentioning this because I want you to excuse my actions or to pity me. Yes it’s true that hurt people, hurt people however those people who hurt people as a response to their own hurt still had a choice. I chose wrong. I am so sorry for that, I was a broken child trying to use you to heal traumas I didn’t even really understand. This will be the last time I ever speak to you, my hope is that this will give you some semblance of closure and help you with your journey to heal but more selfishly this is for my closure and for me to heal. I have to let you go in order to truly forgive myself. I hope that you’ll be able to look back on our time together in shades of gray and see the good alongside the bad. If I end up being a villain or even just a footnote in your life I am still grateful for all the memories we share. You are an amazing person that I admire so much, and that I one day hope to be like. I hope that you find someone who loves you for you and that you know your worth and never settling for anything less. This is goodbye Aubrey no need for any planetary alignment meetings at the end/beginning of the year. It’s time to close this chapter and to move on. I love you, and I wish you the best, truly. 

Xoxoxoxo 

Sincerely,

A faded memory. 

#writer #Black Writers #Writerscommunity #creative writing #writers on tumblr #Writers and Poets #dear john #dear journal #love letters #break ups #jedwaii #jedwaiibw #queer black people #black and queer #queer poc #queer artist #black art #black artist #black love #gay black men #gay black #gay black love #queer black #queer writers

[jedwaiibw]

What grants you the right to think you are someone who should test others? What has defined you as superior to me. If you do not want nor need my help then why do you ask for it? Just to see if I were to say no? No. You want to push those around you because you are helpless and nothing on your own. Without the support of 1000 steps you would never see Olympus. But now that you’ve stepped forward on the backs of those you’ve manipulated you think you are truly higher then those who put you there. If your knees were to buckle you’d blame the person behind you for not breaking your fall. When is it your fault? When does the world stop owing you everything and you start owning your shit?

[jedwaiibw]

I, simultaneously, have a deep desire to be alone forever and a unquenchable yearning for connection. How does one live with the idea of being vulnerable enough to share your soul with another and guard your heart from everything. I hurt without a wound, and sleep without peace. I will never be enough for myself. I will never be enough for anyone else. To be enough is to accept defeat. I want to fight without suffering an injury. I want to achieve it all without the risk of losing it shortly after. I want a guarantee that my heart won’t be destroyed in the pursuit of happiness. I want what I deserve but can never accept. i wish I were better, I wish I were prettier. I wish I had all the answers. I wish I didn’t have to live with the looming fear that Satan was sitting over my shoulder. Is my childhood the root of my downfalls? Are the drugs? Was it just me all along? Am I pure evil, flailing around in a Lacey white dress? Is the reflection I trust just a self made delusion? What monster lies behind the cracks? Is he me. Is my attempt to be anything else worth nothing? Are we just doom to sit on either side of the scale no matter the effort? Will I die here? Death. How terrifying it all seems. Hell keeps me awake at night, the idea of nothingness expands my despair. Heaven, is unreachable & humbling beyond belief. Reincarnation brings me peace. To be able to try again, as anything or anyone makes me hopeful. But even that chain would have an end. Then I would be ready for Heaven. One try and thats all; how unforgiving. Several tries, or enough you should be able to get it right. At the very least 2. Or another after this one. As I write this I sit hiding in my closet. I can hear the muffled comments of my brother in law & full blood sister just beyond the wall. They could be commentating on a show they love, bonding over mutual interest. However my brain, or at least a much larger part of it, is convinced they are two of my primary overseers. Commanded by Satan to drive me mad until I kill myself or until I completely forget I’m in hell all together. Their laughs and unrecognizable taunts haunt my ears. Do they hear my thoughts and see my heart. Do they know my fears. I’m waiting to be driven insane. Because recognizing that I already am leads to nothing. If am, I’ll need to be driven even more mad until I can see it for myself. Did the Mad Hatter ever think he was Mad? Or did he only ever ask the disappearing cat?

#abbott elementary #liberal feminism #devin franco #amphibia #black men #sex positivity #mountains #kevin carnell #woods #moss #walkindatalk #writer’s blog #writersociety #writers on tumblr #gay black men #poetry #poets on tumblr #creative writing

[jedwaiibw]

#i am a revolutionary #dark skin men #gay black men #marvel #queer black people #affirmations #black nonbinary #game of thrones #captain marvel #carol danvers #walkindatalk

[jedwaiibw]

Forgiveness for the Bag Lady

I am by far an Angel, most of the time I think I’m the exact opposite. I’m sure my Christian upbringing while simultaneously being a flaming homosexual didn’t help this line of thinking but regardless of my sexuality and it’s juxtaposition to my faith; I’ve made a mountain of horrible decisions. Once you graduate high school a sort of existential realization happens. You are some how more aware of the world around you and as you move through it you start define your role in it with each decision you make. After a couple years of making these decisions you kind of get and idea of the person you are and if your not careful you may remain that person for the rest of your life. When I turned 25 I realized that the choices I’ve made didn’t make me the person I had always envisioned. Instead I ended up becoming like the people I most wanted to avoid. I was angry, bitter, and insecure. I’ve made selfish decisions and I’ve hurt those I’ve cared for deeply. I’ve done everything short of homicide. And I’ll hold all those decisions and those regrets with me for the rest of my life. The weight me down with every step I decide to take. Onward and Forward.

When I was around 18 years old, maybe 19, who cares honestly. Your early twenties are all one giant year of bad sex and blackouts anyway. I was 18 and my playlist as a young African American consisted of Katy Perry, P!nk, Rihanna and my favorite rapper Ed Sheeran. At the time I wasn’t really into rap so I considered Ed Sheeran’s brand of fast talking-singing to be a type of indie rap. I was a revolutionary thinker, or at least I was until this boy, this man, straight out of a Black 90’s college movie opened my world up to the far off planet that is Neo-Soul,l. He showed me Lauryn Hill, Erykah Badu, Jill Scott, all names my parents completely forgot to adorn me with. My world since then had changed forever. Long gone are the days of radio pop. One of the first songs he showed me was Erykah Badu’s Bag Lady. If you haven’t heard it please feel free to stop reading and go marinate in this consciousness expanding soundtrack right now. At first the lyrics seemed so straightforward and simple to my underdeveloped mind, but as I’ve gotten older and as I’ve continued to mature, the sultry lyrics lace my brain like a pair of thigh high Dr Martin’s forcing the stiff resilient leather to bend and reshape to traverse any and all terrain. “Bag lady you goin' hurt your back, Draggin' all 'em bags like that”.

These lyrics help me remind myself to let go of all the weight my past transgressions have bestowed upon me. To forgive myself but to never forget the lessons I’ve learned from all these mistakes. I could spend the rest of my days holding on to all these “Great Offenses” that everyone but me has forgiven me for or I can forgive myself and let it all go. So I write this post today for anyone who feels they’ve done nothing but wrong have a good heart and good intentions. I ask you to forgive yourself. Never forget things you’ve done but allow yourself the time and the space to heal. Give yourself the peace you deserve. Move forward and continue to try to be your best self. There is nothing stopping you from making the right choice next time and the time after that. Good and Bad are not adjectives that define a person. They define our choices. Our choices define us.

-xoxo Walker

#black men #writer’s blog #a writer’s odyssey #writer’s struggles #writers on tumblr #black and queer #black writers #gay black men #black and gay #gay men #erykah badu #bag lady #walkindatalk #blog post #forgiveyourself #forgivness #sam smith #loveyourself #self care #self love #self luv #baggage #let it go

[jedwaiibw]

About me & my blog

When you Google search “How to start a Blog” one of the most consistent tips is “Pick a niche”. A niche, they suggest you find one thing that you're obsessed with like no other and write about that one thing over and over again. Something like “How to start a Blog”. Picking one thing to write about for my entire career is practically impossible. As a writer, I’m also an overthinker, I have so much going on in my mind at any given time that it would be doing myself a disservice to write about just one thing. Right now as I’m writing this I have an idea for a romance novel, a web series and a horror film running through my mind like mice in a maze looking for long molded over cheese. So, I refuse to pick one small corner of the internet and camp in it until success and glory knock on my door. I choose to take up space, and to write about whatever the hell I want. Whether it be some uplifting bullshit or about alien cows fucking on the moon I’m going to write it. My “niche” is my interests, and hopefully that attracts a few others who share my same corners of the internet.

I probably should’ve started with this but my name's Walker. No other names necessary due to privacy and the freedom anonymity brings. I have a feeling this is how the internet used to be. Before Facebook and it’s senior Myspace, people used to get online scrape together some poorly designed website and write personal essays out the ass about everything and anything. Ironic how as the internet has grown our opinions and need for expression has shrunken into 280 characters. Don’t get me wrong I fucking love Twitter, it’s my favorite app. Where else can you communicate directly with your favorite pornstars and local politicians? My point is there was a time where the internet wasn’t so limited. Anyway, I’m Walker, I’m 27 and writing is my ultimate passion. The solitude, the complete freedom and limitless imagination all speak to me in a way that excites and terrifies me.

I wanted to start this blog because this isn’t my first time saying “I'm a writer”, I’ve been saying this since I was probably 18. Which is fine except I have nothing to support that besides a full terabyte of unfinished stories, scripts, personal essays etc. I always wanted to start a blog but I could never find a niche, I could never limit myself in that way. And after a decade of talking my shit about how I’m going to be a successful writer one day I have absolutely nothing to show for it. So fuck it. It’s time to take the plunge, to bare my soul and all it’s ugly scars for all the internet to see. Which is why this blog is titled WalkindaTalk because it is time for me to strut my stuff. I don’t know if anyone will ever read my stuff, I don’t know if anyone will care. But none that even matters, because I have stories to tell. I don’t know what the fuck to write about but I know I have a whole lot to say. So if you decide to join me on this journey, just know you’re not following a leader, a role model, or any sort of influencer/activist. You’re walking alongside a human who is just finally ready to talk.

-xoxo Walker

11/14/2021

#writerscommunity #writersociety #writers and poets #black writers #gay men #black men #black and gay #gay black men #black and queer #author #writers on tumblr #writer’s struggles #a writer’s odyssey #writer’s blog #about me #walkindatalk