#jedwaii

[jedwaiibw]

Dear Aubrey,

Hey, I hope you’re doing okay, I miss you, I’ll always miss you. I know you probably won’t respond to this much less read it. I know how you like to only communicate when all the planets are aligned or whatever. Lol.  I just thought I’d go ahead and write this anyway. They say closure isn’t something you can get in real life, it’s a fantasy, a fairy tale told to little kids alongside tales of Santa Claus, happily ever afters and virginity. But I’ve never been someone who could see the line between fantasy and reality. Maybe there doesn’t have to be one. Anyway, last we talked I told you I planned on reenlisting into the military. Well it seems like that is becoming a reality. It was a long road to get readmitted into the military. I had to do a lot of growing, a lot of unlearning and a lot of healing, not only so that I could get in but also so that when I venture back out into the world I don’t make the same mistakes I made all throughout my twenties. So that I don’t hurt people, allow others to hurt me, or hurt myself. This has been the toughest challenge of my life and it’s taken so much out of me and I’m grateful for it.  When I leave for basic training I plan to leave everything behind, to let go of everything so that I may continue to grow. I will be permanently deleting all of my social media, changing my phone number and changing my name, (legally this time lol) I finally found one that I like. I’ve done all of this before. I've changed my phone number numerous times, I’ve changed my name, I’ve deleted all accounts, I’ve moved away with no promise of return, I’ve done it all before. However the difference is before I did it out of fear, insecurities, cowardice, resentment, rebellion, all the worst intentions possible. This time I’m choosing to prioritize myself, to lead with love, to pursue growth and to let go of anything holding me back from who I’m meant to be. So I write this letter to you as a love letter, wrapped in a goodbye letter. Aubrey I met you at a weird point in my life, I had just blown up my first serious relationship and had been banished back to my depressing hometown. You were a saving grace in a dark time for me. One of the main reasons my previous relationship hadn’t worked out was because I couldn’t get past the fact that she didn’t look like anything I expected my “true love” to be. You did, you checked every box, and more than that I saw so much of myself in you. I saw a chance to give to you what I had so desperately needed but could not articulate. Because of that I loved you so deeply, but because of that I also never let you live as you. I was so caught up in the idea of you and us that I never allowed for you to be anything more than a reflection of me. For that I am so sorry, that dreaded night or nights where I would become enraged are some of my worst memories. I said that I was lashing out because of your marital status but that was never true. It was just the only thing I could articulate at the time. Like I said, in you I saw myself, but I also saw my Dad in you and in me through you. That night when I was on top of you attacking you, that was a direct reenactment of my worst fight with me and my father, except he was on top of me choking me while I squirmed beneath him. A lot of those violent actions were reenactments of my father.  I’m not mentioning this because I want you to excuse my actions or to pity me. Yes it’s true that hurt people, hurt people however those people who hurt people as a response to their own hurt still had a choice. I chose wrong. I am so sorry for that, I was a broken child trying to use you to heal traumas I didn’t even really understand. This will be the last time I ever speak to you, my hope is that this will give you some semblance of closure and help you with your journey to heal but more selfishly this is for my closure and for me to heal. I have to let you go in order to truly forgive myself. I hope that you’ll be able to look back on our time together in shades of gray and see the good alongside the bad. If I end up being a villain or even just a footnote in your life I am still grateful for all the memories we share. You are an amazing person that I admire so much, and that I one day hope to be like. I hope that you find someone who loves you for you and that you know your worth and never settling for anything less. This is goodbye Aubrey no need for any planetary alignment meetings at the end/beginning of the year. It’s time to close this chapter and to move on. I love you, and I wish you the best, truly. 

Xoxoxoxo 

Sincerely,

A faded memory. 

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