if-i-ever-die

[if-i-ever-die]

Small, a poem by me

you always ask me why

I'm so pessimistic all the time.

gonna get high and then cry

and then sigh about the world.

found my friend's vape the other day,

and I can't escape the thought

that my sister wants more

than the vodka she drinks

and the wine my brother finds

at the back of the cupboard

in the old church where we would hide.

I might die inside from this

overwhelming tide of

lives surrounding me,

where you post your crime online

when I'm trying to revise.

but I can't stop reading the signs that

the world's collapsing and

I can't do shit

with my money and I'm surrounded

by hate of the world and to the world

I return it, but it's too late

to escape the freight

train of emotion hurtling

at me too fast. I got eight

different masks to cover

my face. out of place

my collar chafes my neck as I

turn it to the wind and rescind

my thoughts and feelings

because I can't think straight

no mistake to jump over that gate.

pass the pipe, watch me die

and I'll collapse in your arms.

because there's no hope in living

when the world gives me

nothing to die for, and watch the sky fall

around me as I collapse within.

I don't want to conform so I rebel just the same

as every other kid that's here,

just a sheep to the chains of the world

and the pain of the whirl of colours

around me that you call a world.

a life, a memory all the same.

love and death are together one thought

that's stuck in my brain

in the middle of class.

give me a break and I'll take

my chance and make it my own.

but no I'll just sit,

procrastinate, fumigate the room

with fake genius and write

pessimistic poetry about love and war.

and through the night my sight

reaches a height never seen before

because sleep is just death in disguise,

and in death we lie

and our minds become the sky

forevermore.

#poetry #writing #pessimism #drugs #rebellious #literature #dark academia #tired #alone

[if-i-ever-die]

Fishnets, a poem by me

now I'm caught up in your fishnets,

though I never liked the ocean.

and I'm tangled, drowning

in the deep end of desire.

and my sweetest lover's fire

dies in the taste of chlorine,

doused in too much gasoline,

beyond recognition, confirmation.

help me lord I die tonight!

I cannot fight this loving fight!

surrounded by this water

suffocating me, I remember

how it felt to love

but that's not an option to me,

because fire dies apparently

and water can live on..

yes I can freeze to death at night,

but a drought should bring me woe.

you know I never liked your fishnets

and they tangled me up so

tightly that I couldn't free myself

to run to that rooftop where

you and me can sit tonight,

and I'll.keep you warm by my side.

if only there was a world above

the deep end of desire.

because I claw out at the bubbles,

I struggle for the light.

but there's a monster down below

that holds me back

from what I cant know.

because all I should need is water

and never the sweet fire.

but I just don't want the tides,

how does that make me a liar?

#asexuality #asexual #ace #questioning #lgbtq #desire #drowning #poetry #writing #sad

[if-i-ever-die]

I find it so sweet that (most) countries still follow the Geneva convention when at war.

"I want to kill every single person in your country so I can take over"

"but I will do it humanely"

[if-i-ever-die]

Mirroring, a poem by me

I wish to make it so that

every time I open my eyes

I can look upon their face

with eyes of that lover's flame.

I wish that every time I breathe

I smelt their scent, one of

subtle flowers and summer breeze,

that I could hear their voice

and never strain

to have them ever close at hand

for a lover's touch, that I might go

to a brand new pink and rosy land.

my heart beats faster as you say

that you love me over

and over again. I wish to

disappear inside your voice

to hold you always close and tight.

I think my flaw is that i

always see the dark's holy light,

the beauty in the brokenness

the terrible sight

of loving each other, then

starting again.

I wish that when I opened my eyes

you were still there,

that when i looked up to the sky

I could hope soon I would

bury my face in your hair.

where did you go, my friend?

I cant help but love you

to the end.

to the end I will follow you.

my passion is my undoing

for when I love so hard

that hell's fires could leap up,

and fight the clouded light of heaven

I betray myself.

I sell my soul piece by piece

to the ghost of you

and former loves.

how many years has it been

or did mere months past since

I was seen,

huddled by the wall

wishing for your call of love?

straining my ear.

were you ever close enough?

that you would die

and give your blood?

I know that I would fall again

and again from the highest mountain.

for that mountain could never

be greater than our love.

but what is it to share a love

not what we had, I am

sure of that.

what we had was pain,

and spending our days and

wasting them together.

because life is so one sided now

once your reflection leaves

you behind with just a shadow

of a desired life

that you will forget with time.

I do not love you anymore,

but wish I did

have dreams of life

with love once more.

#poetry #love #hate #breakup #sad #wishing #poem #poems #sadness

[if-i-ever-die]

scrolling through tumblr at a family gathering. help

[if-i-ever-die]

society is decadent and I intend to go down in style. but I dont wanna be the first one to go, bc then I will be remembered. but dont let me be the last to fall, bc to see what we have done is to see myself at my worst.

so let me live that middle life with wool over my eyes. let me deceive myself and you, as we fall deeper and deeper into our own pit of imprisonment

#decadence #society #existential #falling #imprisonment #deceit #lies #jokes #memes

[if-i-ever-die]

I really got disappointed the other day when the french lesson title was talking about orientations but we learnt instead about education and not sexualities

#french #school #orientation #sexuality #disappointment #lgbtq