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it’s been years since i’ve even heard from you, but there are days when i still wonder how you’re doing. how’s your dream job going? did you come back home for the holidays? how do you like the change in scenery? i don’t miss you but i don’t hate you- i’m indifferent. i want to know that you’re out in the world, succeeding, even if i’m not necessarily there. i want you to eat, even if not at my table.

j.e.b. (( you can still reach out to me if you need someone. ))

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Does anyone want to join my new religion? It’s centred around the idea that the universe is a computer simulation and that, by undergoing transcendental mystical experiences, you can submit bug reports to God,

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it’s literally insane to me that this is still circulating. a majority of my notifications are from this single stupid zodiac post i made over a year ago when my life was falling apart and i was feeling too much for too many people to keep it all inside. 

i’m not mad about it, though. thanks for all the attention yall

things i associate with the signs

Aries: Happier by Bastille and Marshmello, midnight conversations at 2 pm, memes, laughing so hard it hurts, fake confidence, guilt, feeling invincible, popcorn

Taurus: love, casual confidence, casual touches, nonchalant confessions that you’ll never hear again, bombass makeup, insecurity, hidden hilarity

Gemini: passion, indecision, arguments that don’t feel like arguments, driving around mindlessly, dark chocolate, being tipsy, spontaneous hobbies

Cancer: bottled feelings, long talks, country roads, hot chocolate, folk music, fixation, hidden feelings, passive aggression, emotional intelligence, hugs

Leo: charisma, youtube, intense overwhelming beauty (inside and out), having one big breakdown in exchange for being mostly okay most of the time, comfort and being comforted, wisdom beyond their years, honesty

Virgo: an abundance of ambition, heels, card games, casual confidence, badly hidden self consciousness, overcompensation, occasional rants that last for hours

Libra: casual beauty, chill pets, hurting feet, poorly hidden insecurity, awkward affection, going to bed at exactly 9 every night, chocolate, simpler times

Scorpio: going OFF (about something pure that you love), quiet extroversion, “Space Jam”, beauty that you don’t notice at first, weird fashion that shouldn’t work, Paris, “The Lego Movie”

Sagittarius: kermit the frog, confidence, drama, tricycles, being social but also an introvert, awkward but heartfelt hugs, implied honesty, unnecessary and weird (but interesting) facts, forgotten crushes

Capricorn: movies that make you cry, shaky hands, mislead intentions, trying your damn hardest, ice cream and fudge, overspending, long hugs that turn into cuddling, sacrifice

Aquarius: honesty that isn’t actually honesty, attention, passion, genuine care for humans, jealousy, not knowing what to think, endless what if’s, wanting to fix everything and realizing too late you can’t

Pisces: passing conversation, unspoken words, fucked up sleep schedules, consistency, background personalities, indecision, perfect words of wisdom followed by a meme, bittersweet feelings

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There’s a thing in me. And it wants.

It sits in my heart, below my heart, above my ribs, somewhere deeper that I couldn’t find if I tried. Sometimes it’s quiet, dull, a slight pulse. Sometimes it’s loud, all-encompassing, demanding, filling my every thought and move and word with an empty need, a hollow sadness, a haunted desperation.

It wants.

It wants what I don’t have, what I can’t have. It wants depth, it wants drama. It wants intensity. It wants love so heavenly it feels like you can’t live without it, even while your suffocating with it; it wants love so encompassing that you can’t live without it. Can’t live the same, anyway; can’t live in color, can’t live in emotion, can’t live at all until you turn the love to hate. 

It wants intensity. It doesn’t care what form it’s in. 

It wants magic. Not the magic of sunsets and rippling water and love and music and that look in someone’s eyes when they think they’ve finally figured you out, not the type of magic I’ve learned to settle for. It wants magic that crackles in the air, that knows things it shouldn’t know, that creates things, that can give you life or tear you apart, that lives inside you and all around you and is always there, waiting, wanting you to find it. It wants the kind of magic that I haven’t been able to find, that I’m too scared to really look for. It wants everything I don’t have, demands it, can’t find it. Instead it takes from me, takes my hope and my thoughts and my love, takes whatever it can get. I can’t stop it. 

Art summons it; songs and books and movies and words and colors, artists. I’ll see someone, hear someone, look at them, look into them, wonder, need to know, do they feel it too?

Sometimes I meet them, the people who might feel it, who act like they feel it too. I can see it in their eyes, when they’re empty but endless. I can see it in the way they talk about magic, like it’s out there, they just haven’t quite found it yet. I can see it in how they want, how they long for lives they can’t have, how they despise the world, how they try to escape it. I can see it in how long it takes them to fall asleep, sitting awake, thinking, looking sad, empty, haunted. I can see it in the way they look at me, ask me how I’m doing, ask me what I’m thinking about, like they’re waiting for me to talk about it, describe it, say 

sometimes there’s a black hole inside me and all I can do is see how long I can withstand being swallowed into myself. Sometimes I long for more than this world offers. Sometimes I want to give in, I want to be loud and magical and fated for adventure. Sometimes I want to be in a fairy tale, whether I get happily ever after or not. Sometimes, there’s a thing in me, and it wants. 

Can you feel it? Do you feel it too?

#magic #poetic rant #sad thing #it's probably just the depression tbh #depression #sadness #longing #poetry #free form poetry #do you feel it too?

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things i miss:

• endless drives with dily

• late nights with sierra & alyssa

• being tenderly vulnerable with micaela

• seeing alyssa get excited

• trying new foods with mily

• forgetting anything else existed when i was with jay

• goofing off with arianna & julia in electronic design

• movie nights with sarah

• driving hours away to go ice skating & feeling free

• being surrounded by friends

• showing kindness to anyone who needed it

• careless summer nights

• making plans that we knew we wouldn't follow through with

• the world seeming like it was made for us to explore & conquer, together

things i don't miss:

• i can't seem to remember right now

#in my feelings #lists #sad #nostalgic #enjoy what you have while you have it folks

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Can I stand up yet?

Or will the ground once again split open

Just when I thought I was safe?

Can I move yet?

Or will it notice the smallest movement

And take over my brain?

Can I breathe yet?

Or is just the idea of living again

Too much for me to take?

Can I die yet?

Or am I too dead set on this existence

To let myself get away?

#poetry #here's a thing i wrote #sad #death tw #suicide tw #depression #sadness #sad thing #the sad thing has arrived #and it feels like it's going to be stubborn this time #yeye #sad poetry #angst #emo #big emo hours #simple poem #hey look ma im rhyming

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i was at the doctors today and there was a guy sitting behind me with his baby, and the baby starts crying in its pram and the guy just stands up, faces the kid and says “Come on now, don’t cry, you’re better than that”

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all fashion is androgynous if you don’t give a fuck

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it’s truly amazing what not being in an abusive relationship will do for your self esteem

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I should post on here more. Probably won’t happen though 

#mood #look at the stomach pudge tho #that's a real ass person #sad #fat mood

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i don’t like myself today. i’m

too rash,

too aggressive,

too much of an ass

with too little to give.

my feelings are just a pit of nothing,

hollow and caving, craving

some semblance of who i was yesterday.

i don’t like myself today because

the mask of my usual self

doesn’t sit quite right;

it slipped and slid and fell,

letting this loathly me see the light

and ignite sarcasm and scorching comments

and treating people as if they’re irrelevant,

because who cares about tomorrow.  

i don’t like myself today.

i have no joy to bring

and no love to give

and no energy to think

about when i’ll let myself live

again. all i can do is lie in my bed,

lie in wait to be me again.

maybe i’ll return when i wake up.

#here's a thing i wrote #poetry #i rhymed :) #depression #sadness #i just don't feel like myself #which me is the real me though #i just #want to commit not exist #who cares #earlier someone said they wanted to slap me #bc i was being an ass #but i didn't feel bad #i just felt empty #and i know any other day i would have apologized immediately #but just #not today #today i was hollow and mean #and i hated it #i hate myself #at least today

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An Open Letter to My Peers

Why are we here?

Here, in classes;

For tests

And grades

And attendance

And feeling bad about ourselves.

Here, in this town;

For farming

And college

And family

And gods know what else.

Here, in this life;

For working

And following

And obeying

And supporting a society that doesn’t support us all.

Why are we here?

To do what we’re told,

Or to rise up,

To see what’s wrong with the world

And do something about it?

To rebel against a system

That systematically

And uncaringly oppresses us?

To make people aware

Of what they are doing,

What they are ignorantly supporting?

Why are we here?

To be sheep,

To survive,

To follow instructions,

Or to reject and rebel

Against what doesn’t work anymore?

#poetry #here's a thing i wrote #i did a speech today #and this was the undertone ofit #i just want people to try #and look past what they've been told #and see that things don't work how they should #ugh #im so annoyed with people in this town #i can't wait to leave #and make a bigger difference than i ever could here #writing #small town #rebellion #activism #sheeple #wake up sheeple #ignorance #sigh

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sometimes I wanna reply “bitch me too” to my mutuals posts but I’ve never talked 2 them so they might not see it as friendly joking so i just dont

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things i love about girls

and all feminine-presenting people tbh

when they sing, whether or not they’re a good singer

when they wear an oversized jacket or cardigan and it keeps falling off of their shoulder

when they’re listening to music and they start swaying or nodding along without realizing

when they smell a nice candle and just have the most peaceful relaxed look on their face like nothing in the world could compare to this exact scent

when they laugh without caring if it’s too loud or sounds weird or lasts too long and just let themselves enjoy the moment

when they say curse words very loudly

when they draw, whether or not they’re a good artist

when they get a compliment on something they’re insecure about and you can see them get ever so slightly more confident

when they call other girls/fem-presenting peeps cute

when they just like. breathe

#im gay #oof #lgbtq #cute girls #cute people #i love girls #this was inspired by the vevo dscvr dodie did of monster #and her cardigan #just kept yeeting down her arm #and i just loved it #she's so cute #girls are so cute #people are so cute #pansexual #panromantic #gay #god bless #just girly things #lists #about me

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