chronically-evie

[chronically-evie]

sorry for not posting I was in the psych ward LOLL

#borderline pd #borderline problems #actually borderline #borderline personality disorder #bpd mood #bpd stuff #bpd thoughts #bpd problems #actually bpd #bpd vent #bpd #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #pots syndrome #disability #spoonie #chronic pain #disabled #ehlers danlos zebra #pots #potsie #hypermobile ehlers danlos

[chronically-evie]

my cardiologist: "you need to drink more water. 60-80 oz a day. WATER."

me: "sooo diet coke?"

#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #pots syndrome #disability #spoonie #chronic pain #disabled #ehlers danlos zebra #potsie #hypermobile ehlers danlos #pots

[chronically-evie]

doctors will be like. yeah. there’s something so so so so wrong with you. idk what and I don’t really care

[chronically-evie]

at the dentist!! (i want to die)

first time going since I got diagnosed with everything

#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #pots syndrome #disability #spoonie #chronic pain #disabled #ehlers danlos zebra #pots #potsie #hypermobile ehlers danlos

[chronically-evie]

my cat is getting so skinny I am so worried about him :( there's nothing I can do though because we can't afford to take him to a vet and even if we could, every single vet within 2 hours of where I live isn't taking new clients

im so worried about him

[chronically-evie]

okay so I recently got a medical bed and I am so fucking happy i did. it elevates both at the foot and head of my bed so I can even out my blood flow when im sleeping

and I have a hand rail to help me get up when I need it

i debated it for a while because I didn't feel "disabled enough" I guess, but I got it for free from my aunt and it's so awesome im so happy!!!

#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #pots syndrome #disability #spoonie #chronic pain #disabled #ehlers danlos zebra #pots #potsie #hypermobile ehlers danlos

[chronically-evie]

my new meds can cause dangerously low sodium levels which is so goofy bc i have POTS. i already HAVE low sodium levels. HELP

#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #pots syndrome #disability #spoonie #chronic pain #disabled #ehlers danlos zebra #pots #potsie #hypermobile ehlers danlos

[chronically-evie]

guys! he unblocked me and texted me today and said he wanted to see me and i just got back from it and he says he might want to be with me again!

:)

#borderline problems #actually borderline #borderline pd #borderline personality disorder #bpd mood #bpd stuff #bpd thoughts #bpd problems #bpd #actually bpd #bpd vent #disability #spoonie #chronic pain #disabled #pots #potsie #hypermobile ehlers danlos #ehlers danlos zebra #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #pots syndrome

[chronically-evie]

i ruined everything I got dumped literally 2 hours before my little siblings birthday party and i stayed in my room the whole time and now im too depressed to do anything and I can't be in my room cuz my mom has me on watch so I don't do anything dumb so ive been on the couch and im taking away all the attention from them their birthday is literally on wednesday this is all my fault i'm so useless

#bpd vent #vent post #vent #rant post

[chronically-evie]

i am so tired all my joints hurt it's raining i feel like death

#pots syndrome #disability #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #chronic pain #spoonie #disabled #ehlers danlos zebra #potsie #pots #hypermobile ehlers danlos

[chronically-evie]

im in so much physical pain and it's only being made worse by the fact that I can't eat or sleep

#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #pots syndrome #disability #spoonie #chronic pain #disabled #ehlers danlos zebra #pots #potsie #hypermobile ehlers danlos

[chronically-evie]

i'm so tired of everything my fp doesn't want to speak to me anymore he hates me i guess

im all alone now i have no one to keep me regulated

i think im just gonna end it

#borderline pd #borderline problems #actually borderline #borderline personality disorder #bpd stuff #bpd #bpd mood #bpd thoughts #bpd problems #actually bpd #bpd vent

[chronically-evie]

he broke up with me bc it's not safe for me to have kids

i think i might actually end it

lol.

#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #pots syndrome #disability #spoonie #chronic pain #disabled #ehlers danlos zebra #pots #potsie #hypermobile ehlers danlos

[chronically-evie]

i made a deal with myself to go to school at least once a week every week this year but it's Friday and i physically don't think i have it in me idk what to do

im insanely nauseous my brain feels like it's in my feet and everything hurts

#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #pots syndrome #disability #spoonie #chronic pain #disabled #ehlers danlos zebra #pots #potsie #hypermobile ehlers danlos

[chronically-evie]

rant warning

my new therapist is so insistent on me doing exposure therapy that i can't talk about anything but my anxiety with him and i am diagnosed borderline so if i don't talk about this shit it's gonna turn into a giant split and ive been working so hard on not splitting on my boyfriend but i need a vent for it like i can't fucking bottle up all the dumb shit he's doing

it's not his fault that he has memory issues i KNOW it's not his fault but he doesn't ever fucking tell me what's going on

APPARENTLY his shitty ass best friend (treats him like garbage and is the most racist transphobic dick ive ever had the displeasure of meeting) has a birthday this weekend and he neglected to tell me until today. literally the day before. and i haven't seen him in two weeks either and we had plans. so i asked him why he didn't tell me and he said he didn't know it was happening. he has been friends with him since fucking KINDERGARTEN and he doesn't know his birthday? i genuinely think that's fucking bullshit.

his memory issues are not bad enough to that level, if anything they're more short term, and we've been dating a little less than a year and he knows my birthday.

and he's calling me unreasonable because im fucking pissed obviously i would be upset over this we've talked it over before and one of my main issues with him is communication like i NEED to know what is going on so i don't freak out and he never. fucking. tells. me.

like genuinely when he is out with friends he does not text me once and he says he'll be done within like 3 hours which is good and fine and then he's gone for 6. and doesn't text me once. not even like a single thought crosses his mind to maybe text me the simplest sentence?? "hey i'm gonna be gone an extra 3 hours i love you" would be fine. but he doesnt. and then i freak out bc i have panic hallucinations and i genuinely think he is dead and i spam call him and he texts me when he gets home acting as if im unreasonable and crazy and dramatic

and im not ALLOWED to be mad at him anymore because he dumped me a month ago and like said he didn't love me and shit bc i split on him and the only reason i got him to get back with me was saying i'll change bc he was mad about me getting upset over things that he does wrong so now every time i get upset over something i have to shut the fuck up because i don't want him to leave me

sorry for the rant im fucking pissed

#actually borderline #borderline problems #borderline pd #borderline personality disorder #actually bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd problems #bpd vent #bpd

[chronically-evie]

"be yourself" okay, but who AM i though?

#bpd #actually bpd #bpd problems #bpd thoughts #bpd mood #bpd stuff #bpd vent #actually borderline #bpd feels #actually mentally ill

[chronically-evie]

So sick of having to force myself into acting like a regular functional human. Forcing myself to talk out loud in full sentences, dragging myself downstairs to cook and eat, dragging myself into the shower, even though it absolutely breaks me and makes me so incredibly exhausted, puts me through agonizing pain. But if I start speaking in short sentences or going mute now, my family will think that I'm faking it. If I ask to use a cane now, they'll think I'm faking it. I can't ask them to make and bring me food because I know it's an inconvenience to them and they'll just see me as lazy. I can't ask them to help me wash my hair in the tub because that's utterly humiliating and I'm almost an adult. They'll say that I'm 'too smart/strong for this'. That I'm 'not that disabled'. But no, I am not that strong. I am not what I've made you believe I am. I completely fucked myself over for the rest of my life by masking and heavily forcing myself since childhood. There's no going back now. Nobody will believe me.

I don't want this anymore. I want someone to come whisk me away. Someone I can be myself around. Someone who will take care of me. Someone who won't force me into doing things that hurt me. Someone who'll let me communicate through gestures and writing when speaking is hard. Someone who will let me use a cane or even maybe sit in a wheelchair without thinking and making me think I'm being dramatic. Someone who'll gently handle, massage, and help me wash my aching body without either of us feeling humiliated or inconvenienced. Someone who will take over when I can't cook anymore without making me feel like a lazy piece of shit for it.

I want someone who won't love me despite my disabilities, but someone who will love me and my disabilities. Because being disabled and in pain is something that is such a deep part of my soul and identity, that when you hate that part of me, you hate at least 80% of who I am.

I want to be truly loved for once in my life. And I want to feel like I deserve it.