areyouthere-god

[areyouthere-god]

#my poetry #lgbtq poetry #poetry #original poetry #writers on tumblr #writers #my writing #catholic guilt

[areyouthere-god]

#tw su1cide #original poetry #poetry #poets on tumblr #my writing #my poetry

[areyouthere-god]

#my poerty #lgbtq poetry #poetry #original poetry #poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #my writing

[areyouthere-god]

#my poerty #original poetry #poetry #writers on tumblr #poets on tumblr #my writing #tw sucidal ideation #tw sucidal thoughts

[areyouthere-god]

my favorite lines from this article about poetry from students grades 3-6

[areyouthere-god]

Sorry but the last ask regarding 'cowboy music' intrigued me and i was wondering if you had any music recs?

yeah :-) here's some spotify playlists:

country im into right now (modern & not)

something ain't right with him (cowpunk, etc)

little darlin (romantic + oldies)

gals of country

arthur morgan (can be enjoyed without being into rdr2)

weeping willow (heartache)

playlist formerly titled "cockeyed" (folk, country, blues)

[areyouthere-god]

i would like to sincerely apologize…

i wish i could apologize to my mother,

tell her how i never wanted her to worry so much.

i wish i could apologize to my mother,

but i know she’ll lie and say i don’t have anything to be sorry for.

i wish i could apologize to my dad,

tell him that i really did try to be the person that he wanted me to be.

i wish i could apologize to my dad,

but he’s never been good at conversations like that.

i wish i could apologize to my little sisters,

tell them how much i regret closing the door to my room when they needed me most.

i wish i could apologize to my little sisters,

but it’s too late for that for now.

i wish i could apologize to my younger self,

tell her how sorry i am for throwing all her hard work away.

i wish i could apologize to my younger self,

but i couldn’t bear to let her see what a failure i’ve become.

#poetry #my poetry #poets on tumblr #my writing

[areyouthere-god]

but instead…

i wish i drank or did drugs

maybe that would make living easier

but instead

i go to sleep as a way to microdose death

but instead

of the nothingness i crave

i have nightmares

where the brakes in my car don’t work

and i’m helpless as i crash

and the power in the house is out

and it’s dark and confusing

and my classmates from catholic school are there

and they are just like i remember

and it all feels so real

and i start to think it will never end

but instead

i wake up covered in sweat

and shivering

and gasping for breath

#tw sucidal ideation #tw sucidal thoughts #my poetry #poets on tumblr #poetry #my writing

[areyouthere-god]

Hubble’s view of the Carina Nebula, from the 2007-2009 era I think?

JWST’s view of the same nebula, July 12, 2022

[areyouthere-god]

a side effect of SSRIs can be vivid dreams

i have these nightmares, where i’m driving on the wrong side of the road,

and you’re in the back seat bleeding out on the floorboard.

the breaks aren’t working.

i can’t stop myself.

it’s terrifying.

i have these dreams where the characters are played by

the kids i grew up with and knew in jr. high.

we’re always the way i remember us being,

young and happy and blindly believing.

i wake up in a cold sweat,

the images still running through my head,

and even though i am a wreck,

time keeps moving along,

and i have to get out of bed.

#my poetry #poets on tumblr #poetry

[areyouthere-god]

Untitled (syndromes and complexes)

I used to say New Years resolutions are for middle-aged-moms and quitters,

But I think i said that because I was so bitter,

When the world lost its charm, its shine, its glitter.

Well that's just life for a burn out big sister.

I used to say that I would rather give up than fail,

Because in the face of adversity I rarely prevail,

Because every failure feels like another coffin nail.

So I quit even if it's to no avail.

I'm being suffocated by my imposter syndrome.

I don't deserve to be who I've become.

I'm being strangled by my Jonah complex,

Because there is only the fall after the success.

I'm a former gifted kid, all burnt out.

I'm a cradle Catholic turned sellout.

I'm a “pleasure to teach” even at eighteen.

I'm an empty shell of someone I used to be.

I'm a lost cause, at only eighteen.

I'm an empty shell of someone better than me.

#gifted and talented #burn out #imposter syndrome

[areyouthere-god]

are you there god? it’s me.

capo 6th, electric or acoustic:

are you there god? it’s me // whoever the hell that is

hey god, are you listening // to this melancholic madness?

dear god would you please // strengthen my belief

mess around and strike me down // ‘cause i cant keep on living like this

are you there god? its me // i heard somewhere that you’re dead

and oh god i dont disagree // but maybe i’m mislead

so dear god would you please // strengthen my belief

prove me wrong before too long // ‘cause i cant keep on living like this

i am the prodigal son // but my journey’s just begun

left home in the past // i am free at last

are you there god? it’s me // i dont deserve your forgiveness

lord god i am on my knees // but i’m not sorry for this mess

dear god i implore thee // give me something to believe

i’ll sacrifice myself tonight // ‘cause i cant keep on living like this

oh please dont make me live like this

#catholic guilt #poetry #religious poetry

[areyouthere-god]

.

.

.

.

Never related to anything more

[areyouthere-god]

Steven Strait as Warren Peace Sky High (2005) dir. Mike Mitchell

[areyouthere-god]

i never learned to dance

when everything gets to be too much,

and “i love you” isn’t enough,

please don’t leave me, please believe me

you’re still the one i want.

and i’m sorry in advance,

but i never learned to dance

with a partner that wanted me.

i’m a stranger to romance.

i’m scared to say that you’re my first,

and you’re more than i deserve.

but if you teach me how to love you,

i promise i will do my best to learn.

promise me, please, that you’ll say by me

through the bad days, when i don’t brush my teeth.

and my only plan is to sleep, when i’m begging for praise

that i don’t deserve to receive and love that i cannot believe in.

#my poetry #poets on tumblr #poetry #my writing #writers on tumblr

[areyouthere-god]

unfinished and untitled #3

i run my hands under hot water

to scare away the cold settling in my bones

i want nothing more than to be a better daughter,

i’m waiting for someone to cast the first stones.

i’ll crack my joints until they break.

it’s a harmless, nervous habit i can’t quit.

failure is something i can’t take,

and i think that makes me a hypocrite.

they say to pray to mother mary,

but i’ve never been a decent daughter.

so i alone, fight the sin, my worst adversary.

and wait until i am led away, like a lamb to slaughter.

#my poetry #poets on tumblr #poetry #my writing #writers on tumblr #unfinished

[areyouthere-god]

late at night (8/5/2020)

i think i’m losing my mind

every time the clock reads 2:09

and i’ll imagine a love i’ll never find

for the ten thousandth time.

i think i’m losing my mind

every time the clock reads 3:09

and i’ll reflect on the meaning of life

like i do most every night.

but i swear i’m fine.

existential dread is my closest friend.

she keeps my sick in bed, while we get lost in my head.

overwhelming dread, of my childhood dead.

i miss the innocence, i miss playing pretend.

i yearn to be young again.

so just pretend you don’t see

how i bite my lips until they bleed.

and just ignore how often i sleep,

i promise i’ll contact a therapist this week.

i watch the clock as the minutes pass,

‘tick-tock, tick-tock,’ time is moving too fast,

and somehow too slow, i can’t find the tempo.

i watch the clock as the minutes pass,

‘tick-tock, tick-tock,’ i’m losing my grasp

on reality. oh, god, i just wanna sleep.

#my poetry #poets on tumblr #poetry #my writing #writers on tumblr