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umightaswellfaceit-blog-blog · 9 years

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Love Addict meet Love Avoidant

This “hopefully” is my “got it” moment; where as a Love Addict (LAD) I am attracted to the love avoidant (LAV). It is a cycle where it starts with intensity and the dopamine is off the charts. But the two are exact opposites unknowingly. The LAD consciously fears abandonment and unconsciously fears intimacy. The LAV consciously fears intimacy and unconsciously fears abandonment. The intensity starts off great and the LAD wants more and the LAV pulls away. Fearing abandonment when the LAV pulls away, the LAD acts desperate, wants to see them; further making the LAV pull away. The LAV will act out with drugs/sex outside the relationship. The LAV will start to get angry at the LAD finally pushing them totally away. The LAD having withdrawals from the intensity will either act out angrily towards the LAV (stalking/violent) or still try to win the LAV’s heart (which was my case as I would still live in the fantasy of reconciliation and never experiencing actual withdrawal). Then the cycle continues where there is intensity of reconciliation and for me, I only had it once in my life with a LAV and the dopamine was off the charts and that is why I put myself in harms way, risking everything to get that dopamine hit again, but personally I never got it.

With me the cycle happened right before my eyes. She was a drug addict so she would use right in front of me even saying that I was the reason for her using. If it was a LAD/LAV then it possibly was true. She was an escort and she would make me leave to have other dates or I would pay and she would ditch me to go to her boyfriend. I would be humiliated and hurt, but that was part of my healing in my head. I would actually get a dopamine hit in feeling this rejection because I always experienced it and never got the girl so I in my head experienced a dopamine hit...and that is why I continued to pursue giving up everything else. I was truly addicted to feeling “like shit” but desired that reconciliation hit as well. With always having dopamine rushes (the not as intense one from rejection) and the intense one from reconciliation, I never stopped pursuing. I never experience actual withdrawal which is needed to recover from any addiction. I keep going after the “dopamine hit” wanting the intense one, but only getting the rejection feeling like shit one. It is like Charlie Brown and Lucy Van Pelt with the football where she pulls it away every time. I had that happen ALL MY LIFE. But in my scenario, on the ground after she pulled it away, I actually felt a small dopamine rush so it gave me the desire to constantly want to kick the football! Also, in my scenario, one time I got to kick that damn football and seeing it go 65 yards down field straight as an arrow and I was HOOKED to that feeling and every other time after that, the ball got ripped away, feeling the small dopamine hit of failure.

I had been experiencing rejection after rejection after rejection. Keeping on getting humiliated. I could not understand why she would go with assholes when she had a caring guy that just wanted to nurture her. I realized I was asking the wrong question because I was doing the same thing! I had a wonderful wife at home that truly loved me and I was seeking the LAV. I realized I was BOTH LAV and LAD. And honestly I believe the escort was the same. Both living in the total fantasy world that were polar opposites. It is why the grass is always greener and you seek love elsewhere. It is why these types of relationships are intense both in the happy phase of initial contact and in the fighting or the rejection. Her ex boyfriend once told me that they had terrible fights and he would get off on that. It is the same as mine getting off on the rejection and feeling the pain. His was addicted to the fighting and mine was addicted to “feeling like shit.”

I will be writing a lot more about this subject because it really is my core to getting better. My problem though is I still want to rescue the girl! I so fear she is going to die from her addictions either from OD, death because of her drug usage (sepsis, cancer, heart attack, appendix burst), or suicide. I sometimes wonder if I am writing this for her or for me, but I have to pray to God and ask him to restore me to sanity and with that the only person I can rescue is...myself! With this LAD/LAV understanding as well as knowing I have to experience withdrawal in order to heal is the only way I can go from collecting white chips to bronze medallions.

#love addict #love avoidant

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umightaswellfaceit-blog-blog · 9 years

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This was the start of my understanding of why I am the way I am. It will be the start of helping me let go.

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umightaswellfaceit-blog-blog · 9 years

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Two Positives ... for every negative

It is what a friend of mine told me. I was dreading Mother’s Day this year because she upset me because I didn’t call her while she was in pain with shingles. I got defensive, shamed, and really I did nothing wrong. Below I showed the note, but a beautiful thing happened right before Mom’s Day. I brought up a topic of “people pleasing” at a 12step meeting and listened to the other shares and I came to a realization I was doing the same thing my mom was... and that was focusing on the negatives of me not calling her and making me feel bad about that rather than all the good she did like never say “I told you so” or saying anything about my addiction to meth and to an escort. She supported me and was there for me in ways that only a loving parent could be. And by focusing on those positives, the negative thoughts simply dissipated. I actually got to tell her these things in a little note before I was to call her on M-day and I think it was a higher power thing that it happened the way it did. While she pisses me off at times and all that I do is people please (something that I have to learn to control - it is amazing how young I was in my people pleasing and how it grips you as an adult), I am learning about myself, standing up for myself, actually focusing on the positives instead of the negatives.

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umightaswellfaceit-blog-blog · 9 years

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My “so called” Stalking incident...

I had a crazy obsessive love for the past few years that I have been struggling to get over. I haven’t seen this girl in over a year, but I still find myself trying to rescue, trying to please even though I should be moving on with my life. The last time I saw her was at her grandmother’s funeral and the last words she said to me was “you stalker” which is the last thing that I am. That is more associated with Love Addiction and I am a romance, fantasy addict. And besides, I have one horribly painful memory of “waiting” to see who my girlfriend was with that I could never spy or stalk anyone and any time she called me that I thought of that incident.

I was living with the only girl that I never cheated on. She honestly reminds me of the obsessive girl that I can’t get out of my head. I wanted to fix the wrongs that I had with that relationship with this new one. The similarities were uncanny and I think that is why I am struggling. I wanted to fix the things I did wrong with my ex with the obsessive girl... Back to the stalking story... My car broke down on the way to jam with my friends with my guitar. My oil light came on and looked in the trunk and had no oil. I had some and home or I could have walked to the auto parts store or I could have walked home as they both were about the same distance. I decided to walk home. It is amazing the crossroads in ones life. That one simple decision, walking to home instead of walking to the auto parts store could I could have such a different life, with different insecurities (or less insecurities). What made that decision easier was it was hot out and I didn’t want to walk into an autoparts store with my guitar. I get home and the air conditioner is on (it is loud so I was going to sneak up and surprise my girlfriend). But then I heard moans from my bedroom. I simply peaked inside “hoping” she was alone, but she wasn’t, she was with an older guy. With the loud air conditioner I didn’t know what to do. Should I wait in the living room until they came out? Should I just leave? Before actually leaving, the air conditioner turns off so I have to listen to them and it was utter horror. Finally, the AC kicked back on and I decided to leave and wait outside and watch from across they way to see who the guy was.

I can remember my heart racing the whole time as I waited. I was saying to myself. This is stupid! I should just catch them and be done with it. About an hour later, the guy comes out of the house walk away from me down the street to his car. I didn’t even notice the car of her stepdad as I walked by it some 75 minutes earlier and the utter shock as my heart and head was in disbelief. I had to walk it off so I walked to the auto parts store, got oil, and came home.

I was in utter shock and didn’t know how I was going to talk about this. I walk inside and go up stairs to where she was and I see her with an angry look on her face like “I” did something wrong. She asks me where I was and I said, I went to jam with my friends. And then she asked, “don’t you need your guitar?” And then asked me again where I was all angry at me. Asked me who “I” was with! I then calmly told her my oil light came on and I was close enough to home to grab a quart of oil. Since it was hot out, I brought my guitar with me. When I came in to your surprise, I guess in the utter shock I was in I forgot both the oil and left my guitar behind. She turned pale as a ghost! I didn’t get angry. I simply went into our bedroom and got the sheets and gave them to her and said “wash these.” I walked to the convenient store, picked up a 12 pack came back to my backyard, got into my boat and took off to the ocean.

The sun had just set and it was close to a full moon and dead calm. I just let it all sink in. When I came home I didn’t want to know any more, but she proceeded to tell me she had been with him since she was 13 and it was the first time since we dated. 13!!! I was beyond floored! She said she even told her mom and the mom denied it happened. That her mom blamed my girlfriend that she was lying and to please the mom she lied saying that she lied about the incident. It explained a lot as her father had died a few years prior from cancer when she was eight years old and she would cry so much because she wanted him back even though close to 20 years had passed.

What I didn’t understand was why 13 years later she was still with him? That is what hurt the most. I later learned it probably was because she was manipulated and actually enjoyed the attention of someone older. She felt guilty. I remember her telling me she used to cut herself, but I thought it was because of the loss of her dad and not because of the shame of enjoying sex from someone manipulating her. It was also when she started drugs without me even knowing, but when I found out I tried to help (the people pleaser that I am), and she eventually quit and she said it was because I caught her with her step dad and how I handled it by not blowing up at her and seeing my broken heart. It’s funny though, I almost married her and this incident happened and a few months later my parents came to visit. If I had been engaged it would not have been an issue, but since we weren’t I asked her to leave for a couple weeks where she said it was inconvenient and I snapped it had been inconvenient you living with me (I sometimes was not nice, but I think that dig was simply because I hurt so much and really never got over it).

So when I think of the girl say “stalker” every single time I think of the only time that I waited, with my heart broken, racing out of its chest in utter disbelief. And the ironic part of this obsession girl was when I got insecure with her was when she had her dog at the boyfriend of her mom’s. It was when my insecurity came out that I always had with people I really cared for. It made me believe that she was with him when there was no evidence of that at all. It was my insecurity of my “stalking” incident 17 years earlier that brought out that insecure thought. In my meth disassociation I thought this guy could have been with her. I even imagined she showed me pictures of them together before I actually met the boyfriend of the mother. It seemed so real to me but it was all in my head. She even told the guy that she needed him to check on his brakes and it made me think of my car incident and that is why I associated them doing the same thing as ex girlfriend. I was on meth at the time so there are so many things that I can’t distinguish what is real and what was in my head. It was my jealousy of what happened with the only girl I never cheated on and the only stalking I ever did wasn’t stalking at all... I was at my own home waiting to see who my girlfriend was with without making a scene. It was a year yesterday that she called me a stalker.

#stalking #love addiction #incest

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umightaswellfaceit-blog-blog · 9 years

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Success = Taking Action ... Antithesis of Shame

I struggle with shame of my previous actions, but simply taking proper actions of what to do, what I need to get done, shame then goes away. Do it every day. Take action and work hard at whatever (even recess). Have success every day. And the only way to have success is to take action

#shame #addiction #action

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umightaswellfaceit-blog-blog · 9 years

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PLEEEAAASSSING ... the unpleaseable

You just can’t do it. With a Narcissist you just can’t please them as much as you try it is always about them. I have been off meth, 420, (both for 8 months) my romance addiction (nearly 2 years) and it hasn’t been easy. Some days, it has been extremely difficult. EXTREMELY! Look at my posts below and see how I struggle especially with romance addiction.

After my life imploded getting caught, my wife needed a break from me and my side of the family. So Christmas, I went alone to visit my parents, as well as other times visiting them, my wife just didn’t want to deal because she was hurting. But my mother couldn’t simply accept that. Why is she mad at them? IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU FOR CHRIST SAKE!

My romance addiction, codependency all is because I tried to please the unpleaseable narcissistic mother. She was recently hospitalized and I researched her illness, offered to visit, I called every day when she was hospitalized as well as her first day home. I called 3 days later but I was struggling with my own issues and had to make a lot of phone calls, work the program, stay busy so I wouldn’t act out and I succeeded. But my mom complains that I didn’t call during those 3 days. IT IS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU MOM!!!! Did you once call me to see how I am doing??? NO! Do I complain? NO!!! But I have to be diplomatic so this is what I wrote:

Mom, Help people and if you can't help them then don't hurt them. It is a simple principle that I try to live by and all I ever have done was try to people please you all my life and it is impossible to do. It is a horrible weakness of mine that I am trying diligently to work through. I am not going to address any of the things you mentioned because in the big picture they simply aren't worthy of defending. While relationships are work, the one's that really work don't require much work at all... They are simple... they just are. They flow easily. No nit picking this or that. They just are. I often feel that I have to walk on egg shells around you, that you are never wrong and never can take blame for anything. I could go and list a lot of things that have really really really upset me, just as you did, but it would only hurt you as yours hurt me. And you cannot defend the way you make ME feel. It just is. I am sorry that I hurt you and sometimes disappoint you and yes I know that you love me and I love you, but we are at an age where we should be friends and not be criticized for this or that. No I am not perfect, but trust me neither are you. Either deal with them and not criticize the little imperfections or leave me alone because I am not going to continuously defend myself. I am going through the darkest part of my life, feeling shame, insecurity, blame, anxiety, having a horrible time concentrating and depression that I have never thought I could ever experience. But what gets me by is the love of my wife, friends and of course you and dad as I try to grow and be a better person. Even with my faults, you were blessed to have a pretty good son as I was blessed to have loving parents. I don't want you to respond, but simply wish the best for me as I wish for you and cut me a little slack because in the big picture of life and love of life I am a caring, loving, sensitive person, but obviously has his flaws. So "help people and if you can't help them then please don't hurt them." Love,

umightaswellfaceit

So how did I do? I already got a call this morning from my dad that I DREADED! I can do no right!

#narcissism #addiction

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umightaswellfaceit-blog-blog · 9 years

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You Dirty Rat

Actually... we can learn a lot from them when it comes to addiction.

The best way to describe addiction is knowing that you truly are powerless over it because it cannot be controlled because it doesn't reach your frontal cortex (rational thinking) portion of your brain. That is why the first 3 steps are the foundation to the 12 step program...(the A,B,C's) Admit you are powerless, believe in a power greater than yourself to restore you to sanity, choose to have that power restore you to sanity.

Addiction plain and simple is dopamine being released. They did an experiment with rats hooking up a diode to a dopamine receptor. Any time the rat would hit a lever, it would get a dopamine hit. It would press that lever all day long. Put a shock between the rat and the lever, the rat would endure the shock to get that dopamine hit. Take the shock away and remove the diode and replace the lever with food, the rat of course would eat like it normally would. Put the shock between the rat and the food ... the rat starves to death. THAT IS ADDICTION!

Dopamine is SO POWERFUL that even in a rat where food is a primal instinct, it would starve vs. getting a shock where it would endure the shock in order to get the dopamine hit. We humans have cognitive thought, but also the primitive brain. Dopamine hit happens before signals reach the frontal cortex so they have no control and that is why a person truly is powerless over addiction.

#addiction

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umightaswellfaceit-blog-blog · 9 years

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A good article on the difference between True Love and Unhealthy Obsession.

#love addiction #obsession #love

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umightaswellfaceit-blog-blog · 9 years

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My name is Bond ... Trauma Bond

My romance addiction to someone that is unavailable to me has been impossible for me to break. From my previous post you can see the trauma that I went through. Times where I was totally humiliated and I STILL want that person. A girl, gets beaten and verbally abused by her boyfriend and has him arrested only to bail him out a few days later. Why do these people do this? Bonds. Trauma Bonds and they are so hard to break.

For me it was growing up with friends that constantly put me down. I then had it happen at work where I believed that I was less than I should be. At work they didn’t know about my obsessive compulsive disorder which affected my performance and at that time I was obsessing about a lost love like I do anytime I lose someone and I am powerless over it. I would get rejected by these women when I started to show affection. I didn’t go over the top in my opinion as I only tried to see them a few times a week (not calling often) but I would think about them ALL THE TIME! I’ve done this my whole life and I am bonded to it. Bonded to feeling like shit!

I married a wonderful woman that after a while we lost our luster. She always loved me but didn’t like me. She did however say at one time she wasn’t sure if she loved me and I think I feared abandonment so much I abandoned her first by having an extramarital affair with an escort that I ended up falling in love with and obsessing about. I was bonded to the “thrill of the chase” to the “people pleasing.” I am learning it probably was because I wanted to people please my so called friends as well as my narcissistic mother who give “conditional love.” Who said after rehab...”this is your one and only shot at this. We will never help you again.” Thanks mom... You don’t know how addiction works (but you think you do because you know everything right?) I am just venting, but from the posts below you can see how I struggle with my mom and her people pleasing.

I believe I ran away from my wife because the night before I got married my “so called friends” said she was only marrying me for my money. They were laughing at me and I was so hurt. And now to know what I put my wife through and how I hurt her, losing all that money that I once had and she still stuck by me even with infidelity I proved those “friends” wrong. But the price I paid. I abandoned my wife out of fear of what they said was true. I was always a punching bag and the sad thing was I believed them.

Why I experienced pain with the escort was the same thing. Those friends saying “she is out of your league” and me isolating myself for years fantasizing about romantic love and wanting to fix this girl and wanting her to care for me. I was people pleasing. I was bonded to the trauma of my past and latched them with this girl and obsessed constantly! I was only kind and she walked all over me. Had others abuse her and would tell others that I had (I never even raised my voice to her). She had threats from others and told others I threatened her (I never did and never would.) But why am I still drawn to her; to her drama? Simply Trauma Bonds!

The girl that goes back to the guy that abuses her does it for the same reason; Trauma Bonds. It is why she may have an alcoholic or drug addict boyfriend because her mother or father may have been an alcoholic. They people please because they may have not had the love and nurturing from a parent or loved one that they wanted and ended up with abusive relationships. They are attracted to the trauma, just as I was and am.

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umightaswellfaceit-blog-blog · 9 years

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I MADE IT!

This past weekend is a very difficult weekend for me each year. It is a euphoric recall weekend but with mostly horrible nightmare memories that I wanted to replace with good ones. I obsess about it every year and constantly think of what transpired those two nightmare dates I had with my obsession girl (an escort). Basically, I wanted to treat her like a lady and she ended up simply breaking my heart.

But I have to look at the positive’s of those nightmare weekend dates. One being that I have such a negative memory to the first time doing crystal meth that I didn’t become addicted. The date that I wanted to be special was an absolute nightmare. And then to try to correct it the next year having one almost as bad with a vision that was worse. The reason why I didn’t get addicted to crystal meth is we got high for hours and hours, her having me leave her apartment for a while to service a crack head, having drug guys come and go all night long with the last one being a guy I thought she would rather be with than me and when it came time to our date, she just looked down, closed her eyes and said “I can’t do this!” I was beyond devastated! I know she was attracted to me so that wasn’t the problem. I was kind, and didn’t want to show how I felt as I didn’t want to spook her. I simply wanted to treat her like a lady.

She left saying she was going to the clinic and come back and I waited with my body shaking with excitement from the meth anticipating her coming back. But as time went by, that excitement turned into anxiety and then panic. Two hours later, I get a text from her asking if I had pleasured myself. Not an ideal date I wanted for someone special. But the positive thing is I have such a negative memory being high that any time I got high on meth after that, I never enjoyed it where it always went to that panic. So my mind thinks of those horrible memories and that is why I think after 7 months, I haven’t touched meth and barely had cravings. Because the brain does more to avoid pain than gain pleasure so I can at least thank her for that, but I wanted that memory so bad that I still obsess about fixing that horrible memory. My ego is so drawn to it and I know it is wrong.

I tried the next year where this time she had just said I was her best friend as we planned to spend the whole weekend together but I end up waiting all day, driving 250 miles round trip I got to see her walk off with another guy...a vision that haunts me as I write it as it was so humiliating! To make matters worse, on my way home from that humiliation, she had the balls to have her ex-boyfriend call me at 4 am and ask me for a ride to score drugs knowing that I would be on my way home. And like a schmuck I do it putting me in harms way while the girl I obsess about took advantage of me again.

My belief was she simply I was married and she cared and didn’t want to ever get hurt. To avoid pain by not having joy. But maybe that is my ego, but there is so much that says that was the issue, but really should I even care now?While at times she used me and manipulated me. When I had lots of money, she didn’t take it when I offered so I know she wasn’t totally using me. And THAT is why I obsess. It is totally ego! It is totally wanting something that I can’t have and shouldn’t want. I was basically separated from my wife for a while and now we are working on getting things back and am am working hard at it. I broke her and I want to make things right.

The reason why “I Made It” is the title is not because of the meth, but because of a promise to my wife. She didn’t want to worry about me when I was away at her annual trip she goes where I tried to have dates with this girl. But my memories haunted me. Even now, I wanted to avenge those dates SO BAD, but I never reached out to her this weekend. I thought of even seeing another girl just so I can feel like a man that treats a woman kindly. I even saw she posted an ad at the time I was with her a few years ago at the start of that nightmare date and never thought to call. I know I shouldn’t have looked but my addict couldn’t resist. I was good by my wife where I was honest and had integrity and to me that beats the humiliation, dishonesty that I had.

What I am learning about myself is why would I want to go back to such painful memories, trying to reconcile when I had something that I truly love and care about at home? I think it was because of what is called betrayal bonds or trauma bonds. It is the same reason why a woman goes back to a person that abuses them because they had experienced like it before. A woman will latch onto guys and people please that are similar to their trauma bonds. That is why nice guys never win in those situations. Even if she wanted me she is bonded too to negativity (she ends up with guys like her dad where they are drug addicts, abusive) just as I was with her (my trauma bonds were my so called high school friends, my mom and brother). Fear of abandonment...it was a horrible paradox.

I went through life always wanting that “feel good” romantic love. I wanted to rescue this girl and make her feel like a woman. I think it was the “thrill of the chase” too. I never had to “chase” with my wife where I did with this girl and the pain that I kept receiving was the same pain of all the girls that I had obsessive thoughts over the course of my life ... combined! And I KNOW this girl cared but would avoid pain and I would receive pain. It was torture. I still obsess about it. I am powerless over it. At least I made it through the weekend. I will take my little victories! I forgive the girl that did those things to me as I believe she really never intended to want to hurt me. I really think she cared, but is simply lost in the world of drugs. Maybe she takes drugs to avoid pain. I took drugs to avoid pain. But, she was my drug of choice that seem to only give me pain, but by forgiving it and trying to let it go it is the only way that I can stop obsessing.

I look at my previous post about my grandmother and friend who had real adversity. All that I got was an ego that was bruised. Get over it! This weekend, I did... still got to work it though... every day as you never know what will trigger you.

#love addiction #romance addiction #obsession

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umightaswellfaceit-blog-blog · 9 years

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Letting go = Steps 1-3

Christmas Eve 1998. It was the last day my grandmother spoke as the next day she had a massive heart attack and died a week later. But her last day I was with her and she was in great spirits as it is her favorite day of the year (mine too actually). After everyone had left, my wife and I stayed and talked with her about her love for my dad and how he is a saint (he really is - I am so blessed to have such a loving, caring father). She talked about the day I was born with such glee remembering every detail. Somehow we talked about a dark moment in her life ... the loss of a child at 18 months old; a total accident. My grandfather had been defeathering a chicken and their baby was potty training and sat on the pot of boiling hot water and went into shock and a few days later ... she died. I felt the pain of her tears running down her face as she told that story with such sorrow in her heart. Even though it happened 59 years prior, she spoke of it as if it happened last week. She was never able to let the pain of that moment go. I can remember consoling her, holding her hand, saying “it’s ok.”

I have an insurance lady that is the most happy, upbeat person that I know. Always laughing, always talking with a smile. To know her, you would never know that she had any adversity in her life, but she did. She told me one time that her first husband had died and she told me how he died and I was surprised that she could talk about it with ease. About 10 years into her marriage, she and her husband decided to have a child and she got pregnant and a few months later she miscarried. The doctor said she was fine and that they could try again and a few months later she was pregnant again and much later in the pregnancy she miscarries again. It was around the holidays and both of them were a little distraught so they decided to go on vacation. Since it was so late in booking, the only places that were inexpensive were Kingston Jamaica and Orlando Florida. Since they were planning on having kids they figured they could wait on Orlando so they chose Jamaica. And the choice seemed perfect as they were having a great time for the week that they were there. On their last full day there, she described it as a happy day for her and her husband. They biked around the island beaches, they kissed under a waterfall, the walked hand in hand to dinner and had a great dinner and walked hand in hand back to the hotel ... where they got mugged and she went into a comma and when she woke learned that her husband had died.

When she told me this story, no tears were shed and she said her husband’s last day was a happy day. She will be with him again in paradise. She said of course it was hard at first; the grieving, the sorrow. I asked her how she coped; how she can have such a positive outlook on such a horrific event. She said “any time i would think of a negative thought, I would think of two positive thoughts and after a while I couldn’t think of any more positive thoughts so I simply stopped thinking negatively.”

WOW!

Her’s was a strong belief in God. Without working in a 12 step program (where I think the first 3 steps are the foundation and the rest builds upon the first 3). She was powerless, had a belief in a higher power could restore her to sanity and made a decision to just that. She is able to describe a horrific nightmare and put it behind her by thinking of the positive aspects of that day, of their lives, of their love. She simply let go because of faith. So simple ... but so much of us addicts struggle with that. I do. I’m a megalomaniac. I have to do everything myself. I can’t do that! Not with this. Not with having an obsessive compulsive mind that I have no control over. “Hey God ... can you give me a hand here please?”

Where I went off the deep end in my addiction, my obsession with a person, it was because I kept getting humiliated and hurt. Things that a person should not do to another. I truly believe that she did not want to hurt me as it was always me that went back for more punishment. It simply was Charlie Brown going to kick the football and Lucy Van Pelt always lifting the ball away.

In my “pity party” I wrote down all the humiliating things she did. I would go to the places where she humiliated me so I could feel that pain because I did not want to think of her in any positive form. I would read them and they were truly heart wrenching things that I felt. So much so that I obsessed with doing drugs and fantasizing and trying to live in a make believe where everything was fine. It was the worse thing that I could do and I was still doing it until recently. I couldn’t let go. I was powerless and knew that and admitted that, but I never followed through with steps 2 and 3. A belief and a decision for God to help restore me to sanity...until just recently and I have been getting some answers.

First what I did was stop the pity party for myself. I look at the 2 events above and compare them to my pain and I should be embarrassed to even consider my “ego being bruised” as pain. My grandmother and friend really experienced pain and one was able to truly let it go because she let God restore her to sanity.

Second, I write in a blog for myself instead of trying to rescue the girl I obsessed about. I had my wife ask me for a gift this weekend where she would not have to worry about me and this is the weekend where 2 incidents happened to me that were so painful that I wanted to act out so badly, but by her asking me that she not worry about me and after I had hurt her so much, it is a MUST for me and while it has been a struggle, I have managed so far. Only one more day to go and I feel pretty good I will make it...because I am working the program, going to meetings, calling my peers. Everything to stay sober this weekend for my wife, but more for me. Because even though I am out of control, I believe God can help and decided to have him help restore me to sanity. Simple as 1-2-3.

#letting go #love addiction #12 steps

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umightaswellfaceit-blog-blog · 9 years

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Bless me father for I have sinned...

That is what I used to have to say before saying my confession when I practiced my faith. I can remember as a little boy being nervous getting ready to go into the confessional and thinking at what I was going to confess. I still remember Father Gaysic (the priest that actually baptized me) confessing to him... I was always nervous and I always had to start with saying that I swore because he’d always ask what I said...I would sometimes lie in my confession because I didn’t want to say that I said the big one ... the “F” bomb... Then I would confess that I lied. He threw me for a loop one time and asked what I lied about and I was stuck in a paradox and I can remember pausing and telling him that I just lied about my swear words that I just confessed...and he laughed. Then I know how bad my sins were by my act of contrition. 1 Our Father and 1 Hail Mary ... I was good, 5 Our Father’s and 5 Hail Mary’s I was bad. But after I prayed my act of contrition, I always felt good for admitting my sins. My shame.

But as an addict that relapses, sometimes it is so difficult to admit that you had fallen down...to confess that you are in full blown addiction again. Especially to your peers, your sponsor, your loved ones. But it is crucial that you do. I try to remember this one line. “Failure is not falling down...it is not getting back up.” Remember, relapse is part of recovery! But when you relapse you feel shame and guilt. Mine has been going on for months and I didn’t even admit it. Others in my group had even suggested that I am in full blown addiction and at the time I agreed, but did nothing to stop it. I wasn’t working the program. I was going down the same path that got me in to rehab the first time.

I did not do drugs as that is not my core addiction. Mine is codependency, romance, fantasy, sex, porn, then followed by drugs (stimulants and weed). All should be on my bottom line, but I haven’t been good at a few. What got me into rehab was an obsession that I was truly powerless over...an escort who was out of control in her own right. Even though she treated me horribly, I still needed to “win her approval.” It cost me everything and I still needed that fix. THAT is what I was out of control with.

My codependency addiction was in total withdrawal (I think I write this as a means to instead of talking in my mind to just her; to rescue her, I can tell my story anonymously here and maybe people can relate - and if at minimum it helps me as I am the only one that I can truly rescue). I gave myself a rule...to “be cool” if she ever responded to a text of mine. After not talking with her in any shape since going into rehab in August, I quickly reached out to her telling her my car had died and she actually responded and I wasn’t expecting it. I’ve done the strongest dopamine releasing drugs and just her response gave a bigger hit of dopamine than any stimulant could. My “hour rule” was out the window! I immediately responded back that I am going to tell her how I am overcoming my addiction but it was all BS because I am in full blown addiction as she IS my addiction! Yes, I don’t do drugs. I don’t need to. She is my drug of choice. I don’t reach out to her but I couldn’t stop thinking about her, fantasizing about helping her. And my fantasy is no longer sexual in nature (or is that my addict too) My fantasy is to give her a hug when she gets her one year chip of sobriety. How can I ever think to do that when I myself can’t get past the day one white chip?

I was embarrassed to admit this; to “confess” that I am in full blown addiction. I wasn’t working the program. Last month I made a lot of money where it made my wife proud. This month I haven’t earned a nickel and I am getting stressed and to cope I use another one of my drugs...porn as my means of coping. And watching specifically porn the escort I cared for did with others...fantasizing that it were me. That she didn’t do those horrible things to me. I would listen to hear her apologize to me and I would say it was ok. First, she wasn’t apologizing, it was all in my head as my coping for the humiliation she kept putting me through that I allowed as I was the one going back.

I admitted most of this today to people important to me; that understand what I am going through. Simply an addict is an addict for life. And yes I can be discriminated against saying that I am a bad person for doing horrible things, but to them I like to quote from a Steve Martin song “criticize things you don’t know about”

I wanted to know why I keep going back to the same thing only to get rejected? The thrill of the chase! The dopamine rush! Of my 6 or 7 addictions I mentioned above...she offers me EVERY ONE and a reconciliation that I desperately tried to do for years to “win her” heart when I already had won a true love. That is addiction! Yes, everyone is proud that I have 6 months sober on stimulants. That is great, but that was easy for me. This is hard and I am in full blown addiction. I admit it. I confess!

If Philip Seymour Hoffman would have simply confessed and picked up a white after 23 years of sobriety as I am sure he felt what I did (guilt, shame) then maybe we wouldn’t have been cheated from his other Oscar wins he never received. I’m glad I admitted it. I’m an addict...and I always will be. And as my act of contrition... I am going to delete the porn of the escort, read more about anorexia from a pamphlet I picked up at a meeting recently...it’s better than Father telling me to simply say 5 Our Fathers and 5 Hail Mary’s.

#addiction #relapse #shame #guilt

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umightaswellfaceit-blog-blog · 9 years

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Might as well face it if you’re addicted to love

“Love addiction, however, is a compulsive, chronic craving and/or pursuit ofromantic love in an effort to get our sense of security and worth from another person. During infatuation we believe we have that security only to be disappointed and empty again once the intensity fades. The negative consequences can be severe and yet the love addict continues to hang on to the belief that true love with fix everything.

In my experience, the most difficult love addicts to help are those who actually develop committed relationships with two or more people at the same time. What a dilemma, they say! Who should I pick? They really believe that the only problem they have is deciding who would be the best choice. The causes of love addiction are fairly easy to identify: inadequate or inconsistent nurturing, low self esteem, absence of positive role models for committed relationships and indoctrination with cultural images of perfect romantic love and happily ever after endings.” EDIT: THE BOLDED. Think about that long and hard for a second. This kind of..blew my mind because the very first thing I thought of? How I never saw positive black couples growing up. Not even my parents. Or relatives. On tv here and there. And then you are shown happy white couples all over. Falling in love and all of that stuff. Getting married. Having their own coming of age love stories and we didn’t really have much of that. But a lot of us wanted it really badly… I’m sorry but I cannot help but think this overlaps into the whole “White savior” thing that black men/women have been spouting. I’m not talking about black folks that interracially date in general. I’m talking the one who either harbor this intense anger towards black men or women or are seriously waiting for a white man or women to come along for them. I have seen post after post of girls in the BWWM tag saying that they are jealous of the BWWM couples they see and that they can’t wait to find love with a white man. that they have to. Then this is usually followed by something incredibly negative about black men. And vice versa. Just a theory but couldn’t help but think it. Maybe some people feel the only way they are going to have that type of “love” is if its with someone who isn’t black simply because of surrounds, experiences, media, etc.

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umightaswellfaceit-blog-blog · 9 years

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My first read of someone else’s blog. Wow!

Limerence and the Biochemical Roots of Love Addiction

Popular culture has done us a great disservice in our understanding of romantic love. From a young age, we watch movies and read books that form the scripts of our adult relationships. But popular culture usually gets it wrong, often in the name of entertainment, and ends up confusing love with limerence.

What Is Limerence?

Limerence, a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, has been described as “an involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person.”

Much to the dismay of diehard romantics, research suggests that limerence is the result of biochemical processes in the brain. Responding to cues from the hypothalamus, the pituitary gland releases norepinephrine, dopamine, phenylethylamine (a natural amphetamine), estrogen and testosterone. This chemical cocktail produces the euphoria of new love and begins to normalize as the attachment hormones (vasopressin and oxytocin) kick in, typically six to 24 months into a relationship. In much the same way that changes in the brain cause drug addicts to feel an intense, all-consuming draw to get and use drugs, limerence can drive people to extremes in the pursuit of the object of their affection.

Some call limerence infatuation, lovesickness, or romantic love, while others relate it to love addiction. Some have humorously called it affection deficit disorder. Albert Wakin, an expert on limerence and a professor of psychology at Sacred Heart University, defines limerence as a combination of obsessive-compulsive disorder and addiction, a state of “compulsory longing for another person."He estimates that five percent of the population struggles with limerence.

Signs of Limerence

Although it can be difficult to objectively evaluate the signs of limerence when you’re in this altered state, Tennov identified the following core characteristics:

• Idealization of the other person’s characteristics (positive and negative)

• Uncontrollable and intrusive thoughts about the other person

• Extreme shyness,stuttering, nervousness and confusion around the other person

• Fear of rejection and despair or thoughts of suicide if rejection occurs

• A sense of euphoria in response to real or perceived signs ofreciprocation

• Fantasizing about or searching obsessively for signs of reciprocation ("reading into things”)

• Being reminded of the person in everything around you

• Replaying in your mind every encounter with the other person in great detail

• Maintaining romantic intensity through adversity

• Endlessly analyzing every word and gesture to determine their possible meaning

• Arranging your schedule to maximize possible encounters with the other person

• Experiencing physical symptoms such as trembling, flushing, weakness or heart palpitations around the other person

Love vs. Limerence

Early in a romantic relationship, it can be difficult to distinguish love from limerence. One begins to follow a calmer, more rewarding path that feels good to both partners, while the other intensifies and stops feeling good to one or both partners over time. Limerence is smothering and unsatisfying and cares little about the other person’s well-being. Securing the other person’s affection takes precedence over earning their respect, commitment, physical intimacy or even their love.

In healthy relationships, neither partner is limerent. They are in love, but they do not struggle with constant, unwanted thoughts about their partner. Rather than pursuing reciprocity, the couple bonds through mutual interests and enjoyment of each other’s company.

In most relationships where limerence is an issue, one partner is limerent and the other is not, according to Tennov. These relationships are unstable and intense. If both partners are limerent, the relationship typically fizzles as quickly as it sizzled. Experts disagree about the likelihood of limerent relationships evolving into affectionate, long-term commitments. While some may grow into healthy, mutually gratifying relationships, others end in rejection and disappointment.

Limerence lasts longer than romantic love, but not usually as long as a healthy, committed partnerships. By Tennov’s estimates, limerence can last a few weeks to several decades, with the average being 18 months to three years. The duration depends whether the individual’s affections are requited. When requited, the feelings may persist over many years. When unrequited, the feelings typically dwindle away and eventually disappear, unless the object of their affection sends mixed signals or physical or emotional distance prolongs the intensity and uncertainty (e.g., one partner lives in a different state or is married).

When Love Becomes an Addiction

For reasons we don’t yet fully understand, not everyone experiences limerence. People who do may experience it only once and then move onto a healthy relationship, or may fall into a lifelong pattern of obsessive relationships. Like drug addicts, some chase that lovesick feeling at the expense of their careers, families and health. Those who cannot let go of the intensity and euphoria of romantic love may be struggling with relationship, romance or love addiction. Behaviors may become dangerous, such as stalking or unwanted contact, and require outpatient or residential love addiction treatment, professional counseling and/or 12-step work.