totallynot

[totallynot]

back on Tumblr after two years and holy shit my old posts are so much more cringy than I remember but it's okay I was just a kid i can delete them later I don't think anyone is gonna find this account .

anyways the reason I'm back is because I just need somewhere to write. Tumblr is like an old reliable friend I can go talk to.

Anyways you've missed a lot. Things with her are less horrible. I think me moving out has helped the family. My issues make things worse here. Things still are bad sometimes but not nearly as often.

I actually dated this guy for a year and like 7 ish months. He was a year older than me. I knew him from robotics and I always thought he was kind of cute. He never thought of me before we got together though. Basically how it went was we were both at a party in a game of paranoia and the question asked of me was 'who in this circle would you be most likely to date?' I, the silly girl I was (and lowk still am) responded looking in his eyes and pronounced his first and last name... yeah but the thing is I wasn't even like into him?? I just said it cus like it's fun to tease boys?

idk whatever. anyways one of his friends asked one of my friends to prom and so his friends since all of them had dates were like oh '[ex's name] do you want to bring someone to prom' and he was like 'ig' and they were like 'do you have ideas on who' and he was like 'yeah I think she (me) would say yes bc of what she said in paranoia.' And so then his friends like poked and prodded him to ask me to prom and it was really sweet how he ended up asking me and everything but like unclear if he meant it as friends or what. so like we start planning prom together and he's like kind of really nice and organized and even though I started liking him and at prom we did a lot of hand holding. eventually after prom we went on more dates and started dating.

From the beginning I feel that I was never too into him :/ like he was nice but I had never had attention like that from someone and I really started enjoying how he talked to me and he was clean and everything so we started dating. and like I think I expected things to end a lot sooner than they did when we initially got together.

The first summer together was wonderful. But like we barely talked. Like all we did was make out. We talked on the phone at night sometimes but in person we mostly just made out and dry humped. And so when he was leaving for school i anticipated breaking up then but he wanted to try the long distance. We decided that we'd reexamine our relationship at Thanksgiving.

In the first few months of long distance I was sure I was gonna end things because I knew I didn't really like him that much. Like 100% sure. What made me change my mind was this:

My 17th birthday was landing on a weekend and he said he'd come home that weekend to see me. That was also the weekend of homecoming. Unfortunately I got COVID and was unable to celebrate or go to homecoming or see him. That weekend he along with some of my friends surprised me with a cake and card outside my home. I was so sad and it was so nice and it made me so much less sad. He then made plans to come back home a couple of weekends later to makeup for the fact that we couldn't see each other. A few days after that I was really frustrated during a tennis match and I told myself to think about what makes me happy. And what I thought about was him and my talks with him. So I decided to stay.

Looking back on its, I think that I really liked being in a low stakes casual dating situation. We weren't (at least i wasn't) concerned about sex or anything like that yet I just liked having a friend to talk to everyday.

Anyways so I didn't break up with him and so that's when the sex stuff started. That's when on the phone conversations started to go into things other than kissing. We both decided we wanted to so the next time he was over we did some things. And eventually by the time we were together for sevenish months we had done more things. We gave each other that special gift.

That's pretty much it I guess. It stayed like that for me. We were from there a serious relationship. And things were good but when we hit one year I thought to myself 'damn there's no going back now unless I have a real good reason.' Shiit i shouldn't have let it get that far. Oh well.

I loved him. I just don't think I would want to marry him. I don't know if I was in love with him or even like attracted to him. I loved him like you love a best friend. He was someone I could go to if anything was wrong and he would listen and I could trust that I wasn't a bother to him. I liked having someone that I could be close to like that. I liked the sex. I liked how he held me. I liked that he loved me. But it wouldn't be fair for me to use him for that when I knew I didn't love him like that.

I broke up with him a bit over a month ago and fuuuckk i miss him. I miss having a best friend that I talked to every night. That I could just be with and all my problems would simply melt away. Now instead I have to feel my feeling and that fucking sucks. I am so anxious all the time. And like people that aren't your boyfriend don't really want to hear the same thing about how you're feeling again and again. But writing it down here felt really good.

I worry about him a lot. I often felt guilty about the fact that he had like no friends at college. I felt like I couldn't leave because how does that leave him? I was going to reach out to his friend from high school after the breakup so I knew he was talking to someone about it but my ex said that he'd tell him himself. I found out last week that he did not tell him. That made me worry more but maybe he told his roommate more? Maybe he's getting closer to him and his friends. I don't know. I hope he's doing good. I really do love him still. How could I not? At the very least he was my best friend for two years.

I have been a mess since the breakup. I don't know how to handle things without him being there for me to bounce my thoughts off of. I know myself and know that if I'm still single this summer I may hit him up but it's good I'm single now. It's good I'm able to make the emotional mistakes I'm making recently, now instead of later I suppose.

I tried journaling outside of Tumblr like on paper and that shit just does not hit the same. I missed you Tumblr. Maybe I'll come back more often. This really did help a lot I feel.

#vent #breakup #journal

[totallynot]

I bet dead girls don't have to do physics

[totallynot]

am I suicidal or am I just about to start my period?

[totallynot]

Dear (),

I hate you.

I hate you I hate you I hate you

I. Hate. You.

When I was a child you would talk about how every time you saw a cat you had the desire to kick it. You'd then beat me and kick me into the ground.

As soon as I became big enough that your strikes didn't hurt so bad, you started talking about how you want a cat.

On the night of my sister's 15th birthday (tonight), as she sobbed over her stressful week and how she's struggling in school, you laid down on the couch and decided to question her "Have you studied yet? I have no sympathy for this. You're pathetic and should have studied."

As Abbu tried to explain how she's already upset, you exclaimed with nothing but anger and ego in your voice, "You're abusing them by showing them love. They're my children, I'll raise them how I want." I do not understand how someone could actually lack that much self awareness.

When your father was ill you yelled it off the rooftops. You'd tell people who were practically strangers "My father has cancer. Everything has been really hard for me lately." Your father was safe and sound at home. He had no cancer. He never did and the doctors said from the beginning he would be okay. But still, you told every person you encountered your sob story.

When your mother died you blamed your siblings. You looked them in the eye as they grieved their parents and you said "This is why you all should have listened to me. If I was there, this wouldn't have happened." You did it again once your father died a few weeks after. You then found a way to pin all of this on your brother's wife. As soon as your parents died you decided to lead a witch-hunt against the woman.

Everytime something doesn't go your way. you threaten to kill yourself and say how you wish we were all dead.

You do nothing for the house. You're only responsible for laundry. Between the three rest of us we do everything else.

On my 10th birthday you looked me in the eye and said "This is the 10 year anniversary of the worst day of my life."

So many nights, all I can remember are my painful sobs and your shrieks from whatever you sent you off that particular time. No matter how hard I try, I can't remember the fine details. All I have is the feeling of pure pain.

Yet somehow, I am the cause for it all. I can remember how after every fight, every night filled with screams, you'd quietly come to me, calm and cold so abbu couldn't hear, and say "you know this was your fault. You're insane. If you weren't a terrible child there would be no fights. You're a terrible person."

Those quiet whispers after the storm are what haunts me the most.

I feel absolutely no shame in saying that the world would be better off without you even if that makes me an awful person. I have never in my life seen you show a real emotion. Nobody loves you. You will die alone because you drive everyone who tries to be kind to you insane. You're a manipulative bitch who lives in a fantasy in which you are right about everything. You do nothing good for the world and all you do is hurt people.

I don't care if I'm the bad guy. I don't care if I'm the most evil person to ever live. I hate you and everyday I wonder what I did for God to leave me with you.

I wish you were out of my and everyone I love's life.

signed,

your daughter

[totallynot]

my favorite hobby is looking at prom dresses and being sad

[totallynot]

yep! everything that isn't explicitly stated would just stay the same as the dsmp canon

how I'd turn the events of the DSMP into a more linear story- Season 2

basically these are the changes I would make if it was my job to turn the DSMP into a tv show or ya series or something. But this is the second one. Here is season 1! You'll need to read that for this to make any sense lol. Full disclosure, I don't know a lot about Ranboo's lore so I'm not touching it because idk how.

Pre-exile/Exile

It follows Fundy and Tubbo's pov.

Fundy is in Tommy's role.

Fundy is seen grieving Wilbur.

Because Fundy and Tubbo are not as close as canon!clingy duo, Tubbo is a lot less hesitant to exile Fundy. There's still a lot of debate, it's just less personal.

During exile, Dream explicitly compares Fundy to Tommy and highlights them being similar

Dream's obsession with Tommy is highlighted

Butcher Army

It's all in Tubbo's point of view until Ranboo joins, then it's in both his and Ranboo's. Techno's point of view is first shown during his execution day.

The army consists of Tubbo, Quackity, Jack Manifold and Ranboo.

This starts the idea of Ranboo's lack of a moral backbone.

Techno Roomies Arc

It's stays pretty much the same. Fundy leaves exile to stay with Techno.

Fundy helps destroy L'Manburg because he's still mad they exiled him.

This arc would be used to build the SBI family.

Both Ghostinnit and Ghostbur are very pro L'Manburg whereas, Phil and Technoblade are not.

Flashbacks showing SBI family as a distant family. Phil and Technoblade were often leaving to go on their own adventures.

Fundy betrays Technoblade because he realizes how much he cares about L'Manburg and he sees how Technoblade is morally wrong.

Doomsday

Philza disowns Fundy as a grandson.

After L'Manburg is blow up and Fundy confronts Dream, Fundy says something implying Dream is Powerless. In response he brings Tommy back to life to show off how powerful he is.

Tommy has no idea what's going on but him and Tubbo reunite which is wholesome.

Philza and Techno don't find out about Tommy being back.

Death

Dead people experience time the same as alive people.

Dead people can't interact with each other.

Pre-Final Disc War

Fundy gets therapy and takes a back seat in the story.

The point of this part is to show Tommy getting back to the world and him being friends with Tubbo.

Phil finds out Tommy is alive from Tubbo when they were trying to revive Wilbur. He then tells Technoblade. Neither know how to feel and don't know how to approach Tommy.

Final Disc War

Everything is the same.

They let Dream live because he says he'll bring Wilbur back.

It's late at night and I might make changes to this later but let me know what you think and what I did wrong.

#dsmp lore

[totallynot]

how I'd turn the events of the DSMP into a more linear story- Season 2

basically these are the changes I would make if it was my job to turn the DSMP into a tv show or ya series or something. But this is the second one. Here is season 1! You'll need to read that for this to make any sense lol. Full disclosure, I don't know a lot about Ranboo's lore so I'm not touching it because idk how.

Pre-exile/Exile

It follows Fundy and Tubbo's pov.

Fundy is in Tommy's role.

Fundy is seen grieving Wilbur.

Because Fundy and Tubbo are not as close as canon!clingy duo, Tubbo is a lot less hesitant to exile Fundy. There's still a lot of debate, it's just less personal.

During exile, Dream explicitly compares Fundy to Tommy and highlights them being similar

Dream's obsession with Tommy is highlighted

Butcher Army

It's all in Tubbo's point of view until Ranboo joins, then it's in both his and Ranboo's. Techno's point of view is first shown during his execution day.

The army consists of Tubbo, Quackity, Jack Manifold and Ranboo.

This starts the idea of Ranboo's lack of a moral backbone.

Techno Roomies Arc

It's stays pretty much the same. Fundy leaves exile to stay with Techno.

Fundy helps destroy L'Manburg because he's still mad they exiled him.

This arc would be used to build the SBI family.

Both Ghostinnit and Ghostbur are very pro L'Manburg whereas, Phil and Technoblade are not.

Flashbacks showing SBI family as a distant family. Phil and Technoblade were often leaving to go on their own adventures.

Fundy betrays Technoblade because he realizes how much he cares about L'Manburg and he sees how Technoblade is morally wrong.

Doomsday

Philza disowns Fundy as a grandson.

After L'Manburg is blow up and Fundy confronts Dream, Fundy says something implying Dream is Powerless. In response he brings Tommy back to life to show off how powerful he is.

Tommy has no idea what's going on but him and Tubbo reunite which is wholesome.

Philza and Techno don't find out about Tommy being back.

Death

Dead people experience time the same as alive people.

Dead people can't interact with each other.

Pre-Final Disc War

Fundy gets therapy and takes a back seat in the story.

The point of this part is to show Tommy getting back to the world and him being friends with Tubbo.

Phil finds out Tommy is alive from Tubbo when they were trying to revive Wilbur. He then tells Technoblade. Neither know how to feel and don't know how to approach Tommy.

Final Disc War

Everything is the same as cannon

It's late at night and I might make changes to this later but let me know what you think and what I did wrong.

#lmanburg #writing #dream smp #dsmp #tommyinnit #wilbur soot #quackity #tubbo #technoblade #sbi family dynamic #sleepy bois inc #dsmp lore

[totallynot]

how I'd turn the events of the DSMP into a more linear story- Season 1

basically these are the changes I would make if it was my job to turn the DSMP into a tv show or ya series or something. I'll probably do this again for season 2 and 3.

L'Manburg Revolution

SBI family is canon, therefore Tommy and Wilbur are brothers. Fundy is still Wilbur's son.

The story mainly follows Fundy and Tommy, either could be marketed as the protagonist.

Dream has his first canon death during from the minecart.

Niki and Jack are there the whole time.

Important L'Manburg characters and ages: Fundy 12, Tommy 14, Tubbo 15, Wilbur 30, Niki 25, Jack 18, Eret mid-20s

Important Greater Dream SMP characters: Dream, George, Sapnap, Punz

The Badlands as a faction is established. All badlands members are non-humans and magic users. They stay out of the conflict at this point.

Fundy and Tommy and a brotherly relationship. We find out about the discs by Tommy showing them to Fundy. There is a lot of emphasis to show how similar Fundy and Tommy are as people.

Tommy and Tubbo are still BFFFLs.

Dream's obsession with Tommy is heavily implied.

The story plays out as it did on the DSMP- Jack and Niki are absent from many scenes because they are off doing different work for the war.

Dream is the king of the Greater DSMP and GNF is his "queen" (promise i'm not a dnf shipper, it just works for the story)- that's why he says he's going to give George the crown even though it ultimately went to Eret after the final control room.

When Tommy duels Dream, Ned Stark style Tommy dies for real. It's his final canon death. He had told Tubbo the actual terms of the duel and he gives Dream the discs and Dream gives L'Mangburg their technical independence.

epilogue/post-credit scene with Ghostinnit. He is the opposite of Ghostbur and is always crying.

Election/Pogtopia War

The story stays mostly the same except Fundy takes Tommy's place.

Ranboo is introduced as Niki's running mate in Coconut 2020, Ranboo becomes a member of Schlatt's cabinet and begins forming a bond with Tubbo.

Techno grieves Tommy.

Tubbo seriously considers betraying Pogtopia and putting his loyalties with Schlatt but choses to stay with them after his execution.

Ranboo officially stayed on Manburg side during the war but never showed up to the battle.

Right as Wilbur is dying in Phil's arms Ghostinnit shows up. This is when Phil first learns about Tommy's death.

If you read this far and have thoughts or questions or think this was done terribly wrong let me know because I'd love to discuss!

part 2

#dream smp #dream smp lore #dream smp headcannon #dsmp headcanon #dsmpblr #dsmp #c!schlatt #c!tommy #c!fundy #c!wilbur #c!tubbo #lmanburg #l'manburg #sbi family dynamic #sleepy bois au #pogtopia #sleepy bois inc #sbi au #sbi fanart #crime boys #wilbur soot #tommyinnit #clingy duo #bee duo

[totallynot]

fun fact!

i am going to fistfight anyone who hates on hannah

[totallynot]

you know I'm all for discussing nuance but Hannah genuinely has been the most positive a respectful cc I have ever seen, ESPECIALLY considering how she deals with misogyny on every single platform. seeing people on twitter saying they hate her because "she's all white woman's tears" enrages me to no end. she genuinely has one of the best and kindest communities in the myct circle.

and to disprove the idea that's she's ableist go read her comments on walterwhite_420 's TikTok. she takes accountability when she does something wrong but she hasn't done anything wrong in this case. everyone on twitter should try the make 1 friend irl challenge.

#hannahxxrose #rose hoes #twitter is stupid #tired twt

[totallynot]

anyways rose hoes for life.

#hannahxxrose #twitter sucks

[totallynot]

India's gonna be an absolute dictatorship within the next 10 years

06/11/21

[totallynot]

random DSMP observations, inferences, head canons and random thoughts because i can't sleep

except i only really pay attention to tommy, tubbo, techno, hannah, jack and somewhat puffy's storylines.

I also watch just the tale part of tftsmp and watched the first two las nevadas thing but im not super into the plot of them.

implied c! before every name

tw: reference to suicide

sbi family dynamic is canon and you can't change my mind

hc: tommy didn't mean to land in the water after he jumped

we still don't know why tommy is immune to the egg

tommy has a piece of the egg that's not locked away

hc: I hate the weird ass eret god arc and I pretend it's not real bc eret as a villain that really regrets their actions and has even gotten forgiveness to some extent is so interesting on its own

if puffy wasn't already a knight or whatever she should've become a knight once the egg arc is actually done

if puffy isn't the secret syndicate member I'm suing

hannah has so much potential to be a literary foil to sam and I'd like to see their friendship expanded upon

boomer and austin show are both not whitelisted but canonically dead

hc: snowchester is true communism

whenever phil says tommy isn't his son he hc: means it in a disowned kinda way and he's never taken it back despite their healing relationship

hc: techno and phil aren't really that mad at tommy still, they just refuse to give in for the principal of it

wilbur was an extreme gaslighter during pogtopia

connoreatspants knows about karl, is one of the few people tommy trusts, and misses schlatt

kinoko kingdom is like a game you buy but never really end up playing and it looks cool so no one takes it but in reality it just sits there unused

hc: tommy also has a white streak from being brought back but it's small

dreamxd is a dreamon that has nothing to do with dream

drista is tommy's friend who also happens to be a god

quackity is just a walmart version of a jschlatt-wilbur villainous lovechild

revived wilbur does care about tommy but he cares about power and control more

why does niki care so much about wilbur? i don't get it at all

the hotel is gonna be destroyed at some point. there's no doubt in my mind.

hc: the badlands members are all monstrous hybrids that have a very different culture and that's why they can exist without really getting into anyone else's politics

is everyone just gonna ignore that time tubbo went north and turned on a weird texture pack and everything was terrifying and then turned it off as if nothing happened?? I feel like that's definitely important and no one is talking about it??

glatt's gym was only available to ghosts, not people in purgatory. ghostbur was there, not wilbur. therefore the crying boy glatt described was tommy's ghost. ghostbur was always happy but ghostinnit was always sad.

hc technically but it's very heavily implied to be true in canon: when you're asleep in purgatory, your ghost roams amongst the alive

tommy and sapnap have the exact same moral system and they're probably the best moral systems out of everyone on the smp

l'sandberg plot is so good and has petwars energy

ranboo lowkey has a superiority complex

anyways that was fun. please interact if you read all of this cause id love to have a conversation about it. let me know if you agree or disagree with something or if you want something explained :D

#dream smp #dsmp techno #dsmp headcanon #dream smp headcannon #c!tommy #c!eret #c!tubbo #tubbo #tommyinnit #philza #wilbur soot #ghostbur #dsmp glatt #tales from the smp #hannahxxrose #sam nook #awesamdude #quackity #sbi family dynamic #sbi #sleepy bois inc #las nevadas #captain puffy #badlands #dream smp discourse #dream smp discussion #dsmp discourse #dsmp discussion #whitelist boomer

[totallynot]

I'm this close to becoming a dream anti

#mcc #minecraft championships #stan wilbur defending scott #touch grass #it's literally a just block game #i love the #red rabbits

[totallynot]

haha how tf do gifs work like

[totallynot]

melancholy

I miss being someone's favorite

I want someone to touch me

When people touch me it hurts

I miss writing

I miss having drive

I've never really felt confident, I don't think at least

I wish I could just be happy

I wish I could just be good at something

anything at all

why is everything so hard

I want attention

I feel bad for wanting attention

I am not people's problem

I feel bad for being fake

I think God hates me for how horrible I am

or he should hate me at least

but I'm thankful because I have a good life with food and water and a house and a bed and education

I have all that but I still have the audacity to be sad when there's really nothing to be sad about

I know I'll be fine

but It feels like I've been in pain for so long that I can no longer feel it

but that's just not being in pain

that's just fading, doesn't that mean it's gone?

It doesn't feel gone but it doesn't hurt or even bother me

Why is it so hard to express creativity or am I just uncreative?

Why am I scared of trying new flavors of ice cream

I don't think I enjoy most things I enjoy

I think some things are just better distractions then others.

I'm hungry but I don't like feeling full

not in an eating disorder kind of way

like I'll eat in the tomorrow, I always do

but right now I like feeling hungry

05/22/21

12:37 AM

#anyway lmao #this is cringy #sorry bro #biyearly breakdown

[totallynot]

why is the dream song actually good in like a dixie dmelio type way !?