timeseternity

[timeseternity]

My favorite thing I’ve learned to do recently is look at something or someone and go, “yeah, this is as far as this goes and I’m grateful for even making it here,” and then walking away.

#moveon #moveforward

[timeseternity]

We Will Never Have This Again

I hate you and what you’ve done to us. How you’ve hurt me. I used to sit here and cry tears of joy because I loved you so much and felt so safe. There were times when we’d hang up the phone after a four hour phone call and I’d start sobbing because I loved you that much. I would lie in bed at night and cry myself to sleep because I needed you, and because I was so glad I finally found you. I used to thank God or the universe or whoever for making sure we made our way to one another. Because I was convinced this was the love that I finally deserved. This was the love I was made for. This was the love I had fought and bled for. And I thought it was finally mine.

I have always believed that I was made to love you- from the very start, and fine tuned throughout my life. Every experience I had, every tear I cried, every wall I was shoved into or floor I was knocked down on… made me who I was now. It had all been worth it, because it made me into YOURS.

And even more, you made me feel like you believed that too. Like you felt it, and like you wanted it. You made me feel seen and loved beyond my wildest dreams. My happy tears would fall because I never knew a love like this existed. And you made me believe it was ours.

I remember the exact day that those happy tears turned into pain. I was literally crying out for help because I didn’t want it anymore. I didn’t want a man I had to share. I was asking why you couldn’t just be mine. Screaming it. I hated everyone that ever told me we’d never be together… because they were right. And every tear after that was because of hurt. I would cry in my bed and be so angry at you, mad at you for letting it get to this point. Hating you for knowing I was hurting and not doing anything about it. I was mad at you for not being the man I thought you were- for not protecting me and my heart, for letting everyone else be right about you, for watching me cry and continuing to lie to me and tell me it hurt you too. If I ever knew I was hurting someone the way you were hurting me, and I loved them the way you said you loved me, there is nothing I wouldn’t do to fix it. That’s when I knew you didn’t love me. I don’t know how you watched me break, wiped my tears, and asked me to keep holding on.

I hate you for not being the man I loved and believed in. For not acting and doing the things THAT man would’ve done for me.

You have lost me completely. And I hate you for it. You’ve picked someone else over me that you yourself have said you can’t love. Someone that you’ve said will never make you happy the way I have. You’ve thrown all of this away for something you have never been in love with or committed to from the start.

There is no coming back from this. I will never forgive you. I now see that you watched me fall apart over time, and you did nothing about it. You alone have always had the ability to make this right. And I told myself I would not have fallen in love with this man if he wasn’t capable of fixing something like this. I told myself I would not have fallen in love with you if I didn’t trust you with my whole being- from choosing where we sit in a restaurant to doing the right thing for us, and for me and my heart. I believed that the love we shared, the love I’d smile and cry over, was the love we were both meant for. And to me, that meant you would do anything to keep it.

I was wrong. There is never a day where you can tell me you love me again and that I will believe it. It will never be true.

The way I poured into you. The way I risked my heart for you. How I was ready to change the entire course of my life to be with you. The way I truly moved on from my dreams of having a family because being with you was the only dream that mattered. All of these pieces of me you have so gladly taken. All the while knowing you could never, and would never, give it back to me in return. You have single-handedly stripped me of a love I thought could only be described as destiny.

I meant everything I ever said to you. I truly believed all of those things. My heart belonged to you. I belonged to you. I thought I was made to love you. The way our bodies and souls fit so perfectly together, I wholeheartedly believed that meant it would last forever. I was sincere and honest with you. It was impossible for me to lie to you. I didn’t even think to look in another man’s direction because I thought I knew what love felt like. I would’ve done anything to keep it. And I thought you would too.

I was wrong.

The love that we shared and have now lost- we will never find again, not even in each other. But I guess I can’t lose someone I never truly had. There is something so terrifying about accepting that you were never mine. And that this love I thought was ours… will never exist again.

#love #i love you #heartbreak #breakup #heartache #i miss you #moveon #long post #moveforward #long reads #hurting #broken

[timeseternity]

You’ve Given Me Peace.

I’ve been dreaming of you. I look for your car all the time. For you. Hoping one day we can see each other out and about, and smile at one another. My dreams of you have been anything but pleasant. The most recent one, you shot me. And not like a gunshot went off and I woke up. We were fighting, and I saw you pull a gun. I turned away and braced myself, and you shot me in the middle of my back. I fell forward onto the floor, and laid there on my chest. I remember thinking “I don’t know what it feels like to be shot, and I don’t feel any pain. I just feel warmth in my whole chest. Am I dying?” I was screaming for help. You stood over me and said “they’re not fucking coming,” and left the room. I didn’t even wake up yet, but I wanted to. It’s like I knew I was dreaming and was praying I woke up before I died. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know how I wake up from a dream like that and still love you. But I do. Not in the sense that I want to be with you again. But I just love you. As I’m healing (or trying to at least), I’ve come to appreciate the bond we had. Whether it was strictly a trauma bond or what, it was clearly strong enough to keep us coming back for more for almost 7 years. The things we’ve done to one another, yet still have always had some speck of love for each other. It’s not healthy or normal or made to last. But it was real, and at least something good came out of it.

I truly think I stuck in this long enough to become the villain. Maybe subconsciously I knew that the only way to get you to stop hurting me was to hurt you back beyond repair. I think I always knew that. I used to beg you to let me go, and I’d wonder what it would take to get you to finally do that. I knew what I was doing, and I knew it would hurt you. At the time I found joy in it partly because I knew it meant we’d finally be done with one another and maybe that much closer to peace. But when the dust settled, I felt awful. I still do. I am truly sorry. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, in all the ways I have throughout the years. People tell me you’ve deserved it. It’s easy to say that and believe it considering the cheating, lies, and abuse. But I don’t feel like you deserved to hurt regardless of how you hurt me. Contrary to what you’ve said to me, I am not that evil. I tried to be. I thought hurting you would feel good. That it would feel right and justified. It didn’t, and it still doesn’t. And for that, I’m sorry.

Everyday I’m working towards forgiving you. I thought I had, then everything stirred up again and I realized I had only buried you, not forgiven you. Little by little, though, I do. Every other minute in the day I go from loving you to hating you. But I know one day, the hate will be gone and I will have only love for you. I hope to see you one day and only appreciate the love and laughs we shared. I often think about the times we’d be falling over in the kitchen laughing, trying not pee. Or in bed cracking up, while I hit your arm from laughing so hard. Or the games we’d play finishing each other’s sentences or trying to land on the same words- and not to mention how easily it was to do that. One day I will see you and see my old best friend, someone I truly grew up with. One day, all that will be left when I think of you will be love. It’s still there now, just mixed in with a bunch of other things. Loving you, and being hurt by you, changed me in stages. First I was weak, then I guess I became evil, thinking that was strength. I think the real strength is coming now. I feel myself becoming the woman I’m meant to be: loving, kind, accountable and self-aware, respectful and respectable. The last 7 years have felt like I’ve been knocked down over and over. And although I kept getting back up, I never quite figured out how to fix my footing and make sure it didn’t happen again. That’s happening now. So I just wanted to thank you.

If you read this and feel hate, I hope you don’t feel inclined to respond. Because I guess the self righteous part of me hopes you’re healing too, and becoming the man I’ve always known you can be. My ego would feel too bruised if you were still hateful. But then again, it’s not about my ego anymore. And you will probably hate me for some time. After all, it did take me 7 years to get to this point. But I do hope now, or even one day, you feel the way I do. Maybe even just an ounce. I love and respect you and what we had. I’m grateful. I’m proud of what we experienced- not always proud about what we did and how we did it- but proud nonetheless. I’m happy when I think of the laughs I shared with my once-best friend. And I am sad that it came to end. But I am also so understanding of why it wasn’t built to last, and accepting of why all the bad happened the way it did.

Our relationship is the defining relationship of my life. That doesn’t mean it was meant to be forever. Our relationship, and you, have shaped me more than anything or anyone has or ever will. I am becoming the woman I was intended to be. Nothing will shake me again, and that’s all credit to the strength I’ve gained from the life I shared with you. Thank you.

“Lifetimes” has always meant just that. I will meet you in every life. And I will love you in every life. I can only hope that each lifetime, we learn faster and love harder. Maybe eons down the road, we will actually work out. If we do, I can’t wait to experience that love. And if we don’t, I’m at peace because I know in my soul that every time we finally walk away from each other, this will always be the relationship and you will always be the man that made me who I was meant to be. Goodbye. Lifetimes.

#love #i love you #heartbreak #hurt #breakup #heartache #moveon #long post #moveforward #long reads #letting go #letting you go #move on

[timeseternity]

Secure.

I love you. And I’ve never been this comfortable and secure and trusting in a man before. Regardless of how many more miles are going to be between us, I know how this all ends up and that’s with us together. I didn’t just get your initial tattooed on me for fun, I did it because I know we will be together. No matter what “time apart” looks like for us or what “being alone” looks like for you, there isn’t a scenario in which we don’t find our way to one another. Clearly. Because even now, when everything was telling us not to, we still did. And we always will.

#love #i love you #i miss you #forever #long distance

[timeseternity]

We Were MADE for THIS.

I often think about what all this means and why we found each other when we did. And the only thing I keep coming back to is simply “it doesn’t matter, we have each other now”. What kind of sick game would life be playing with us to show us this kind of love and say “THIS is what love is supposed to feel like, but he’s supposed to spend his life with her and you’re supposed to spend your life with another man”? That doesn’t make sense to me. Why let us learn and live this kind of love only for us to go the rest of our lives without it? I say it a lot, but I truly believe I was made to love you and be loved by you, and you were made to love me and be loved by me. It’s too easy. Too perfect. Feels too good. There’s no way it can’t be what we were MADE to do. Not only do I love the way you love me, but I love the way I feel when I love you. And that’s huge. You make me happy just to love you - I don’t feel like I’m sacrificing parts of me to love you or I’m settling or compromising. It just feels right. You make me want to be such a better person simply by caring about me and giving me the SAFEST space to just be myself. You give me room to grow and cry and make mistakes. And I can tell you ANYTHING. I have never felt a love like this nor have I ever loved someone this way. There is nothing you can’t tell me that I won’t love you through. There isn’t anything you could do or say to make me scared to love you or live a life with you. I’ve always been very picky and had all of these conditions someone had to meet for me to love them… but with you? It’s such a weird feeling in me to just love and accept you for everything that you are, or are not. It’s so new to me to go “I love EVERY piece of this man”. I really do. I’m so in love with every inch of your soul, I never want to go without it. Even all the things that suck about this, I have to accept because I love you that much. I hate the feeling of knowing you wake up in the middle of the night and I’m not the one next to you. I hate not being the one you wake up next to. I hate not being able to come home to you on my lunch or have you come to my office for lunch or just to say hi. I hate not being able to feel or kiss you whenever I want, or when I need you the most. But I truly believe all of this is temporary. The only reasonable explanation for all of this is, this will pass, all of the time apart and tears and hurt will be worth it, and we will spend our lives in a love that most people will never know.

#love #i love you #hurt #heartache #i miss you #long post #long reads #forever

[timeseternity]

Five More Minutes.

I think about you everyday. I miss you everyday.

Then he told me you texted him and asked if we were married yet. And I got sick to my stomach. Put aside the ways in which I’ve wasted years of my life on him. I’ve accepted and acknowledged my stupidity and part in that cycle. What made me sick was the thought that maybe all these years, you valued your relationship with him more than you did anything you shared with me. I used to try to convince myself that you kept him in your life as a doorway to me. I used to try to convince myself that was what I did with him. But the reality is, I kept him around because I wanted to. Because he meant something to me. So that has to be why you keep him around too, right? It must be because you actually value him and his friendship. And that kills me. Because if I ever had to choose between you two, I’d pick you. But I don’t think you’d pick me. I know you wouldn’t, because you never have. I tell myself it’s because you can’t. But I know even if you could, you wouldn’t.

I miss you. I miss your voice. Your face. Your jokes. God I miss your laugh. I miss my best friend.

I feel lost without you. You were viciously honest with me when I needed it the most, and especially when I didn’t.

I love you, and I’ve been struggling to let you go. I haven’t been able to let myself unlove you. And I really don’t want to, but I know I have to.

I’d give anything for five more minutes sitting in a car with you.

#love #i love you #heartbreak #hurt #heartache #i miss you #moveon #moveforward #long post #letting go #letting you go #long reads #one sided love #broken #move on #forever

[timeseternity]

Two Words

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t continue to fight for the love of a man that simply doesn’t have it in them anymore. You told me you don’t care, and I have to believe you this time. I have to. Last summer you stood in that very same spot in the front yard and said you don’t care about me or how I feel, and the next day you were in bed with someone else. I have to believe you. You’ve shown me time and time again that you don’t. You said it to me. I can’t be stupid enough to think you don’t mean it. I know you don’t care. I know you don’t love me. And that’s ok. I forgive you. For everything you did, and everything you didn’t do. I forgive you.

“Come back.” That’s all you had to say. I would’ve turned around and been in your arms. You had to say two words and I would’ve known there was still something here. Something worth fighting for. And you couldn’t say those two words. Instead you told me you don’t care. I believe you.

Thank you for the last six and a half years. I’ve said I want to forget them, but I know that’s a lie. I’d want to relive them over and over again, just so we could get it right. Thank you for everything you’ve taught me, good and bad. Thank you for being my best friend and laughing with me until our abs hurt and we had tears in our eyes. I wish those were the only memories. And even though they’re not, I will still hold onto the good ones. You’ve set an incredibly high bar for what I look for in a man. No one can make me laugh like you do. No one can hold me like you do. No one can rub me and love on me like you. But maybe that’s the point. All of those memories belong to you. All of those parts in my heart are yours, and always will be. And maybe I will find someone to create more, different, and better memories with. I think that’s the point. I don’t want to find someone to replace you, because I know I never will. All of these memories are yours, and all of those pieces of me belong to you.

Two words. I just needed to know you still wanted me. But thank you for not lying. Thank you for being honest with me, and telling me you don’t care or want me. You will never know how much that means to me. Thank you for not making me come back and love a man that didn’t love me back. Thank you for letting me go.

I will never say another bad thing about you. Your memory and our love deserves better than that. It may have ended, but it was something special. Very few people will feel that kind of love, that kind of passion. In between all of the hurt and heartache, there was a love between us that no one could comprehend. I am still in awe of it. Because I didn’t understand it myself. I just knew it kept me from letting go. And I know I never fully will let go.

I love you. I always will. And I’m sorry for the things I’ve said when I’ve been upset. Because as I sit here, for the first time I have a sense of clarity, and I know what the truth is. I do love you. I hope I never forget you. I wished we could’ve built a life and family together. And I pray my heart finds yours in my next lifetime, and every one after. Until we get it right.

#love #i love you #heartbreak #hurt #breakup #heartache #i miss you #moveon #moveforward #long post #letting go #letting you go #long reads #one sided love #broken #move on #forever

[timeseternity]

I didn’t want to fix you so we could be together. I wanted to fix you so that when I finally walked away, you were healed and able to realize I wasn’t the villain in our story. I kept coming back knowing I didn’t really want you, I just wanted to make sure you knew I wasn’t the bad the guy.

#love #i love you #heartbreak #hurt #breakup #heartache #moveon #moveforward #letting go #letting you go #broken #move on #narcisistic #narcissist #loving a narcissist

[timeseternity]

I really let people say whatever they want to me if it makes them feel better. I’d rather let them think they won the battle than be the one to tell them just how badly they are losing the war.

-timeseternity

#sacrifice #love #hurt

[timeseternity]

I’ve Always Been Afraid of You.

I love you. And I always have. I’ve always hoped we would find our way back to each other. But I’ve also always been afraid of you.

I’ve always been afraid of how you once loved me. It never made sense how someone so young and unaware of what life offered could love me that much. And it always scared me.

I’ve always been afraid that I wasn’t a good enough person for you. As the years have passed and I’ve seen the person I could be in my other relationships, I was always afraid of being that person to you. Of hurting you.

I’ve always been afraid that I don’t fit in you world. Sometimes I wish I went with you. I wish I never let you go without me. But I look at everything you’ve done, where you are… none of that would’ve happened had I gone with you. We would’ve gotten married and bought a house and had tons of babies. I would’ve grounded you before you ever had a chance to fly. The life you’ve made for yourself, I can’t keep up with. I don’t have money to travel the world with you or buy expensive gifts or wear designer clothes. I don’t even have a passport. I thought if we ever got back together, you’d resent me for not being able to keep up with the life you’ve worked so hard for, or even worse… making you dial it back and dim your shine. I’ve told myself to just settle for the guys who won’t be disappointed or embarrassed of the girl that just barely gets by and works the basic office job. I’m not good enough for you and your lifestyle.

I find myself thinking lately of the life we would’ve settled into. And as much as I love it and want it, I know there is so much more out there for you than buying a house with your high school girlfriend and having 7 kids (enough to make a volleyball team with a sub lol). You’ve always been too good for me, M. And I never could understand why you loved me so hard and why you didn’t see that you are meant for more than I could ever give you.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get over you or find a man to give me a love like the love you give. Even at 17 years old I knew you’d be the absolute best protector for my heart.

I don’t expect a response or answer or explanation at all lol. In fact we can just go about our lives like I never said this and I will be your best friend and stand by you in every single thing you do, whether it’s with me or not. I need you to know that. I want to be apart of your life always, now, and forever. So this wasn’t a message to give you a chance to respond to lol. But I had to say it for me and I had to make sure you knew. Your love has always been, and always will be, one of the most special, important, and pure things in my life.

#love #i love you #heartbreak #heartache #i miss you #long post #long reads #not enough #high school #sweetheart #forever #meant to be

[timeseternity]

I Hear You.

I feel like an idiot for calling you last night. It just becomes more and more clear how you’re never going to be the guy that shows up for me. You did over the last four weeks for the first time in five years and I was stupid for thinking that would actually stick and that was the new you. I feel stupid for letting you back into my life. Because time and time again you prove how easy it is for you to walk out of it. I have done nothing but desperately yearn for you to love me and only me, to want me, to take care of me, to be my rock. And you have continually shown me how easy it is for you to walk away when you’re not getting what you want. I will never love someone the way I loved you… because that was stupid. I will make a conscious effort for the rest of my life to never love another person unconditionally. You have proven that unconditional love leads to being taken advantage of and then discarded, every time. The second I set my boundaries, you showed me that you couldn’t respect them. Not only that you couldn’t respect them, but that you just. Didn’t. Care. And hearing you say to me “I don’t care” when I’m screaming and crying while driving 90mph on the freeway just put me in a place where I knew… this man will never care. This man will never love me. And he will never, truly, be there for me. The man who yelled at me that he doesn’t care the other night is the same man who yelled at me in his driveway that he doesn’t care about me or how I feel back on June 30th. That is the single most important memory of our life together. I hear you and I believe you when you tell me you don’t care. Thank you for trying so hard to show me that all these years. I get it now, and I’m going to move on.

#love #i love you #heartbreak #breakup #i miss you #letting you go #heartache #moveon #moveforward

[timeseternity]

Tell Her About Me.

It’s going to kill me the day I see you love someone else the way I wish you loved me. I will never understand why I had to go through what I did, and what I’m still going through, on my journey to find someone to love me the way you should’ve. I will never know why it took you losing me to realize how you should’ve loved me. I was, and always will be, your stepping stone. I was just the girl whose job was to prepare you for the next girl. I was the girl sent to you as your experiment, punching bag, your lesson. I hope you tell her about me one day. And how I went through hell so she could experience heaven. I hope she knows that you ripped my heart in two, so she can appreciate how whole and ready your heart was for her. If you loved me at all, please tell her about me. And please love her the way I wanted you to love me. It’ll tear me up to see it, but at least it’ll mean my suffering wasn’t for nothing.

#love #i love you #heartbreak #breakup #i miss you #letting you go #heartache #moveon #moveforward

[timeseternity]

I almost called you tonight. But I told myself I’m stronger than a couple of beers and a lonely drive home.

#love #i love you #heartbreak #breakup #sad #i miss us #missing you #i miss you #broken heart #broken #letting you go

[timeseternity]

How?

How did I go this long loving you, and never realizing you didn’t love me too?

#love #i love you #heartbreak #breakup #sad #hurt #hurting #broken heart #broken #i miss you #i miss us #best friend #relationship #breakingup

[timeseternity]

Was It Even Real?

Like every other night, I’m sitting here looking at pictures and videos. I have about 12 more days until they are permanently deleted from my deleted folder. I hope I’m okay with losing them when the time comes. But tonight, I’m crying out for you again. And I’m fighting the urge to call you. I would give anything to hear your voice right now. I don’t want you anymore. I don’t want to be with you. And I know we are not meant to be together. But I just want to hear from you… that this was real. That at some point, you did truly love me as much as you said you did. I want to hear the words come out of your mouth… that there once was a time when you were really trying to make this work. Because I’m looking at these pictures and watching these videos, and I don’t know how anyone could fake it that good. I need to know, was this real?

#love #i love you #heartbreak #breakup #sad #hurt #hurting #broken heart #broken #i miss you #i miss us #relationship #falling apart

[timeseternity]

Why Does It Hurt So Bad?

I’ve been sitting around every night and crying in my bed. I go through pictures. I watch videos, over and over, just to hear your voice. I listen to us laugh, and I can’t help but wonder if it was ever genuine. I see myself throw my head back and laugh at you, while you look at me and smile at how funny I find you. I look at pictures of when you first got here, and remember how you said you only wanted me. I look at videos I took of you around the house, on your phone and I wonder now who it was you were talking to. I read old conversations, the ones where you say you love me, and the ones where you say you hate me. I do this every night. But tonight was different. Tonight I was walking around crying, for just over two hours. Until I finally hit my knees to the floor and cried out “why does it hurt so bad?” Why am I crying over a man who never loved me? Why am I crying when I hear about you moving on, or on to one after another? Why do I want you to hold me again? After I asked why it hurt so bad, I thought to myself: the only person who can help me through this is you… the very person that’s causing all of this pain. And I guess that is the sick masochistic mindset that’s formed in toxic relationships like ours. The idea that the one person who can make it all better, is also the same person who makes it hurt just this bad. I don’t understand why I cry every night, I really don’t. I can’t wrap my brain around why it hurts this bad, when it shouldn’t. I wish I knew how to move on like you do. I wish I knew how to unlove you. I wish I could be done with it all, and not feel anything anymore. Because some days I cry for you, and other days I hate you. Some days I just want to hear your voice, and others I just wish you never existed. But no matter what, every single day, I break down and cry. I cry out for you. I cry out to God. I cry for reasons I don’t even know. I cry when I close my eyes and flashback to seeing you with someone else. I cry every fucking day. And I just want it to stop. I try not to leave my house, because I don’t know what I’d do if I saw you. I want to cry in your arms, and I want to hear you tell me it’ll be okay. Even though we don’t end up together. Everyone has told me I’ll be okay. Everyone has told me I will heal. But it all sounds like bullshit unless I hear it from you. I don’t understand. Why does it hurt so bad? Why does it hurt me so bad, and not hurt you at all? Why can’t I accept what has happened and move on like you? Why can’t I stomach the thought of being touched again? Why can’t I be unafraid of the idea that maybe someone will love me? Why can’t I trust people, or even myself? Why did this fucking happen? Why does it hurt so bad? And when will it stop hurting? Because I want it to stop. I want to feel nothing. And I want to let go.

#love #i love you #heartbreak #breakup #sad #broken #broken heart #why #hurt #hurting #heal #healingjourney #move on #moving on #letting you go #let go

[timeseternity]

All I Want.

All I want is to cry in your arms and be held by you. Even though you are the reason for my sobs.

#love #i love you #heartbreak #breakup #i miss you #toxic #heartache #broken