#zeke snk

[levmada]

finally, i'm going to do the thing i’ve always wanted to do in the back of my mind and make a post in defense of Zeke Jaeger—but this is primarily a character analysis. (politely, don’t send me a mean ask on anon without at least reading this all the way through first if you were thinking of doing that.)

i think that the best way to understand Zeke’s philosophy, morals, and behavior is through a general lens of NPD, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. as someone approaching having a bachelors degree in psychology and personal experience with cluster b personality disorders (NPD, BPD, HPD).

first of all, i’m going to dispel some misconceptions. do i have experience with a narcissist in real life? yes. does NPD mean a person is evil? NO. are people born with NPD? biologics can make a person susceptible to it, but NO. the attributes of personality disorders are learned in childhood. are narcissists delusional? NOT ALWAYS (i won’t get into narcissistic injury here though).

the cause of NPD in a person originates—like all personality disorders—in childhood trauma (think CPTSD, ACEs, general neglect and instability). specifically, a child whose every need is met and receives (whether earned or NOT, which is very important in zeke’s case) a large amount of praise and admiration, in conjunction with prestige and special treatment. all of this, and yet WITHOUT a secure bond with a main caregiver/family member because of neglect or abuse in any form. the narcissist therefore develops low or in some cases (especially when comorbid with ASPD (anti-social personality disorder)) no empathy. the narcissist is so chronically abused or mistreated that in order to survive, they learn that their ultimate goal is self-preservation, mentally, emotionally, physically, at any cost. some narcissists are aware of these feelings or abusive behavior being abnormal, but they can’t comprehend how their view of the world/people can be erroneous; how other people are as valuable as themselves, even loved ones—although cognitively a narcissist can care about someone.

these symptoms are extremely relevant to Zeke Jaeger, so much so that i just wrote a paragraph explaining it in a character analysis about Zeke Jaeger.

now that we understand a bit about NPD, we have a good basis to understand Zeke. from the beginning of his life, it was beaten into Zeke’s head that he is beyond important. Zeke has royal blood inside him, he will liberate the Eldians in Marley and beyond to create a more peaceful world, he will become the most important person in Marley’s military if necessary, he is destined for great things, and, most importantly, that is what he is going to do. said his mother and father.

[overall i suggest looking back at Zeke's backstory in ch114 for this analysis.]

how does this responsibility weigh on a young boy? in his most formative years, he’s being trained not only physically (and rigorously for the most prestigious area in the military (the Warriors)), but mentally into believing that Ymir blessed the Eldians with the ability to transform into Titans—while Zeke is also taught that it’s Ymir’s curse; his parents say that the Marleyans selfishly wanted Ymir’s power for themselves—while he’s also taught that the Eldians were disgusting imperialist monsters that pillaged and raped entire other peoples out of a sense of supremacy over others. hell, he’s being taught completely contradictory history—as specific as individual battles.

how does all this weigh mentally on a young boy?

exactly. Zeke is a child being brainwashed by both sides at the same time. what child has the maturity to process not only all of that, but what he wants to do about it?

it just doesn’t work that way. take this, and combine it with Zeke’s suffering. his father is emotionally distant, at times physically abusive, and both of his parents are neglectful emotionally. Zeke at ages 7-12 is being treated like a small HEIR to the throne of ultimate heroism.

+

meanwhile, he’s in training to become a Warrior. and he fucking sucks at it, and he’s not interested in it either.

(he's so cute bye)

but what does his primary caregivers do when he expresses his emotional distress? grisha shakes him and fucking yells at him!!

now we have the ingredients for the perfect storm. unearned praise and admiration, while in response to Zeke’s inferiority, shame, punishment, and degradation. high expectations given by caregivers who are hurting him. the missing secure emotional bonds. and all throughout his childhood.

then Zeke is granted the opportunity to be free of all these things. all he has to do is (for lack of a better word) tattle on his parents to the government, and he’ll be rewarded in the military.

not just randomly either! but by Tom Ksaver!! if Zeke reached adulthood from there with nothing changing, i believe he would’ve committed even bigger atrocities. maybe even sociopathy.

but while he’s an adolescent, Zeke makes a bond with a sort of surrogate father figure found in Tom Ksaver (the holder of the Beast Titan at that point).

Ksaver is a humble man, all in all a pacifist who has no interest in war, and above all else an intellectual. he would fight if he had to, but his Titan has no use in war, apparently.

anyway, Ksaver is the first figure in Zeke’s life who genuinely gave a damn about him. Ksaver is the person Zeke loves most in their world, and there is no way to argue less. Zeke wears Ksaver’s glasses, Ksaver is the person Zeke called out to while Levi was torturing him to the brink of death, Zeke tries to “save” Eren because Ksaver saved him, and MANGA SPOILER🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨Ksaver is the person Zeke saw in Paths first.🚨🚨🚨🚨

this is why i don’t understand one of the reasons people point at that they hate Zeke is because he turned his parents in to Marley. he’s a child who was emotionally neglected, emotionally abused, and physically abused, and what he is offered is a way out, and the person who gives him the opportunity shows him unconditional kindness for the first time in his life. this child doesn’t have the maturity at his age understand the ramifications of his actions to his parents’ cause, because it doesn’t affect him directly. this is how children behave.

this panel sums it up the best and dammit i love it so much

"They never loved you."

"Zeke, it's not your fault."

"You are a clever and good child."

moving on. feeling no attachment to his parents, and more than that, resentment, it makes perfect sense why he would turn them in with little to no regard to their cause.

as an adolescent, Zeke probably doesn’t believe in anything. he has no moral compass. he’s experienced discrimination and suffering at the hands of Marleyans, as well as his Restorationist parents. all he knows is his survival and way of life is guaranteed as a Warrior in training.

but without a doubt Ksaver affected Zeke’s values, personality, and future decisions. if you also roll with Eren’s theory that the past holder of a Titan affects the current one (see Armin’s attachment to Annie in season 4 versus Bert’s), some pieces of Ksaver’s warm personality, his dedication to intellect over violence, affected him too.

but Zeke is undeniably selfish and sadistic. the person Zeke loathes most in the world is his father. the actions of his father is perhaps the biggest reason for Zeke’s cruelty on Paradis. he thinks about him while taking pleasure in slaughtering the Scouts in season 3. he turned an entire village of people into Titans without a shred of remorse.

Zeke has a disregard for most human life outside of select people’s ability as a tool, but he does have the ability to care about others—he cares about Gabi and Falco at least. in his reaction to them appearing on the airship in season 4, and his remark to Levi later when they get to the forest when Zeke asks (in a half joking manner) if he can show them it. and more than that, his hesitance to kill Colt. Zeke cares about Ksaver, he even cares about the Eldians.

but you may wonder, what the fuck are you talking about gee? he wants to exterminate them.

"The only possible salvation is Eldia's euthanasia. I saved them. The lives of those children from this cruel world."

Zeke genuinely believes that the way that all of humanity can be benefited is if the Eldians simply. died. out. his philosophy is that living is suffering and death is freedom.

and we've known this since Zeke was still a teenager!! he tells Ksaver:

“If no more descendants of Ymir were to be born, after 100 years, Titans would have surely vanished from this world. The world wouldn’t have to be afraid of Titans or suffer because of them anymore.

"More than anything, if from the start we hadn’t been born, there would have been no suffering—it would have been better.”

and he promises Ksaver that he'll try to save this world. that's why he joined the Warriors.

from a solely objective standpoint, he isn’t even wrong. as a whole? just like Eren’s plan, it’s disgusting and unforgivable. Zeke’s version of genocide is just slower.

why does Zeke believe that though? remember his childhood. the reasons he was taught to believe that either the Eldians or Marleyans were correct contradicted each other at the same time, and so were his experiences of discrimination and pride, of pain and belonging. Zeke was never loyal to any one faction, ever. not when he reported his parents, not when he learned about the Scouts and Paradis from Mike or Annie/Reiner/Bert, NOT EVEN when he learned Eren existed.

Zeke learning Eren existed changed a lot for him.

did Zeke resent Eren as Grisha’s son? fuck no. not at all. Eren is the person Zeke was actually most amicable with, whom it seemed he was trying to form a connection with (over even Ksaver). Zeke’s understanding at the time was Grisha raised Eren the exact same way he did Zeke, through brainwashing with an iron hand. he wanted to sympathize with Eren. he believed he had one single person who could understand him, and that person was not just a friend, but his brother.

the biggest reason Zeke—in the last years of his life due to Ymir’s curse—pushed for a spontaneous invasion of Paradis for Eren’s plan. besides, arguably, that Zeke wanted to be alive at the moment he destroyed everything.

and then, in Paths after he and Eren touched, Zeke revealed that he was going to go forward with his own plan the whole time, using Eren as a key to do that. he's confident that he's "saving" Eren from his father like Tom saved Zeke. that Eren's plan of genocide was brainwashed into him by his father. and he promises he will never abandon him.

but then.

Zeke was betrayed. Zeke had been manipulated. he learned through Eren’s memories that Eren not only was raised lovingly by Grisha and Carla, but Grisha didn’t push for Eren to be the most important hero that ever lived, Eren is the one that wanted that. Grisha didn’t involve himself with Eren’s desire to join the Scouts. Grisha took care of his family. Grisha, for Eren, was a good, loving father. Eren was loved unconditionally, was given everything Zeke never got.

HELL, halfway through the memories, Zeke told Eren that he could stop the memories anytime he wanted, but he wasn't going to abandon him even though Eren was totally disinterested in the sentiment.

"I'm not going to abandon you. Just like Ksaver never abandoned me. Before saving this world, I want to save you."

the breaking point is learning his father didn’t crush the royal family’s children in his hands, he couldn’t do it. then he had a breakdown over his actions later after Eren pushed him to do it.

Zeke is in utter disbelief.

then Zeke even finds closure with Grisha after that scene. he found closure. they cried in each other’s arms.

Eren’s memories revealed that he is the monster. most relevant to Zeke, Eren betrayed him. in more ways than one.

…hence the following scene in Paths where Zeke imprisoned Eren and tried to go ahead with his own plan.

in order to transition forward, spoilers are necessary. if you have to stop here (and a kiss for you if you even read this far), then i hope my explanation at least helped Zeke be more understandable, and at best changed your opinion of him a little. or reinforced your opinion. whichever!

so in order to talk about the end of Zeke’s character arc, i need to talk about Levi and Zeke’s relationship. (without me commentating on Levi’s feelings because they’re not relevant and if i do i’ll inevitably get sidetracked).

🚨🚨🚨SPOILER TERRITORY AGAIN🚨🚨🚨

why does Zeke like to push Levi’s buttons so much? why is he mostly candid with him, and doesn’t insult him (except in the most shallow ways possible. ohhh levi you glare at me so much. ohhh i bet no one’s ever had a crush on you ohhhh.) most importantly, why does Zeke allow Levi to kill him? IT COULD’VE BEEN JUST AS EASY TO POP OUT OF THE FOUNDING TITAN NEAR ANY OF THE OTHERS AND LET HIMSELF BE KILLED. HE COULD’VE FALLEN TO HIS STUPID DEATH.

but no. he figures out where Levi is flying on Falco, and calls out to him.

does Zeke like Levi? no. he believes the exact opposite of what Levi believes too. does Zeke even really care about Levi? fuck no. i think the liking Zeke might’ve taken to Levi is that he sees right through all of Zeke’s “innocent” intentions, and to be succinct, all of his bullshit. Levi sees Zeke just as insignificant and worthless as Zeke really sees himself to be at his petulant and shame-filled core.

Zeke letting Levi get what he wanted in his final moments is his redeeming moment! it shows Zeke’s humanity, that for once he’s sincere and candid after his conversation with Armin in which he accepts that the meaning of life is just... to do what you love doing. he understands that he doesn’t deserve even to see what a beautiful day it is. all of his selfishness, his sadism, his narcissism—all unraveled in this final act. i want to jump off a building thinking about it /pos.

and you know what else. Zeke and Erwin’s characters are a beautiful foil of each other. but that’s an essay for another day.

#zeke yeager #zeke aot #zeke snk #snk zeke #snk zene yeager #snk zeke jaeger #zeke jaeger #zeke jaeger aot #zeke jaeger snk #beast titan #aot #aot manga #character analysis #zeke attack on titan

[gregrulzok]

Modern!AU Zeke Jager brainworms, courtesy of the really long and complex AU I made with my friends fucking, what, two years ago?

We're only talking about Zeke but suffice it to say there's a lot of other backstory I'm leaving out

• Full name is Ezekiel Jager. He will absolutely never use this name and fully pretends it doesn't exist

• Was abandoned by Grisha when he was 7 after Dina died. Grisha left him with his grandparents and disappeared 'to grieve', returning 3 years later with a new wife and son to take him back

• Zeke really resented both him and Eren for a while, but after realising what a shitty father Grisha was to both of them, he took over taking care of Eren as much as possible - doubly so after Carla died too

• While Grisha was absent, Zeke developed a close paternal bond with his teacher/baseball coach Mr. Ksaver. Ksaver passed away when Zeke was 16, and Zeke was too grief-stricken and ended up abandoning baseball, comitting instead to becoming a doctor like Grisha

• When the Jagers started fostering Mikasa, Zeke was the first to try and learn some Japanese to make sure she didn't forget the language

• This led to him studying medicine in Japan after he got his bachelor's degree. He has a very ... Interesting encounter with Levi Ackerman while staying there *cough cough* at a specific sort of club *cough cough*

• (They met at a gay club and hooked up multiple times over the years, forming a very strained and awkward sort of relationship. They definitely annoyed each-other more than they liked each-other, but they formed a sort of kinship largely through their complicated family lives)

• Eventually he returned to do his residency in his father's hospital. In truth he absolutely hates the stress and fuss of being a doctor and thinks he isn't cut out for it - but he can't bring himself to quit.

• Staunchly anti-natalist - doesn't ever want to have kids and thinks he'd make a terrible father. On top of that, doesn't want to get married - he considers it an outdated institution

• Dated Pieck briefly. They had a stable relationship, but a fairly explosive break-up - Pieck brought up moving in together, and Zeke interpreted it as a marriage proposal and shot the idea down very harshly, leading to a huge argument and eventual break-up

• Most of his joy in life comes from embarrassing and poking fun at Eren. He loves him more than anything and can't bring himself not to annoy him at every possible opportunity

• Has numerous houseplants and can't keep any of them alive for shit

• Owns and takes great pride in using a full-on beard care kit, complete with an ornately carved mahogany box to keep it in. Generally takes really good care of his appearance ... Whenever he goes out. If he doesn't go out for two days in a row he immediately transformed into an over-caffeinated anxiety-riddled sasquatch

• Despite appearances, his house is an absolute mess - every surface has coffee stains, papers are scattered everywhere, ashtrays overflowing, dishes that haven't felt the touch of a single drop of water in many a night ... He absolutely hates cleaning and will put it off by any means necessary

• Has a novelty breath-mint tin

• Too nervous and forgetful to own a pet - he's toyed around with the idea of getting some fish, but after researching the amount of care they actually need he gave up on it entirely

• Listens to a lot of podcasts about the most random topics. Additionally his entire YouTube recommended feed is full of 3+ hour video essays

• Has a lot of trouble sleeping. The temperature, light and sound levels need to be very specific. On top of that he needs to be holding something to his chest.

• Fantasy nerd. Has read lord of the rings, played DND in college (doesn't have time for that these days), still watches real play streams - WILL try to mansplain the complex topics in any given high fantasy work of fiction

• Owns a collection of weird shirts with random images and sentences on them. It started off as a gag gift from Eren that read "Women fear me, Fish want me" - now he has easily over 20+ weird shirts, which he wears around the house at any given opportunity

• Loves Monty Python

#zeke #zeke jaeger #attack on titan #aot #shingeki no kyojin #snk #zeke snk #zeke aot #zeke attack on titan #zeke shingeki no kyojin #headcanons #au

[fangirling-tussisque-noncaelatur]

Zeke: [sitting in the hospital waiting room, filling out the admissions form] Let's see, cause of parents' death ... got in my way.

#zeke jaeger #snk #aot #shingeki no kyojin #incorrect quotes #source: the simpsons #zeke yeager #attack on titan #zeke snk #snk zeke #aot zeke #zeke aot #jaeger zeke #yeager zeke #incorrect snk quotes #incorrect aot quotes #incorrect snk #incorrect aot #snk incorrect quotes #aot incorrect quotes

[prince-charmless-nightlight]

Eren and Zeke figures coming soon!

#eren jeager #aot eren #eren yeager #zeke snk #zeke yaeger #zeke jeager #zeke yeager #zeke aot #sure studio #anime resin

[adalz]

Lacrymosa - part 6

pairing: Zeke x Reader ー Priest!Zeke x Angel!Reader ー Angel!Levi / Angel!Reader

chapter warnings: mention of violence and blood, mention of death and wounds, mention of war / sacrilege tw, yada yada

world count: 6.4k

a/n: Levi. That's it.

<< prev. part | series m.list | next part >>

Someone was calling your name. 

Only no one upon these lands could have imitated its distinctive sound. Not in this way. There were only a few people who called you like that. Only one voice calling you with this intonation.

A familiar language that you had once dreamed of hearing on these lands. A voice that had resounded thousands of times on opaline surfaces and in too pristine halls. Now it echoed beyond the treetops, throughout the entire sky. It was calling you. That voice, so warm, so far away. Silver gleams already shining everywhere.

He was coming. 

You could feel him, souls trembling from being so far apart. 

He was coming, from the depths of the world. 

And all you could feel was him, deep in your bones. It was pulling at your insides, like the ocean draining away the waves before a tsunami. Inexorably drawn in, subject to a force too violent, that would engulf everything. You could hear his voice, loud in your head. 

He was coming, and as his wings struck the Surface sky, snow started to fall upon forgotten lands. 

He was coming, and with him, eternal winter.

Everything he saw, you saw in turn through his eyes. It was as if you were guiding his steps, as if you were the only one who could show him the way, towards the fire, towards the blood-soaked lands, towards destruction. As if you were the only one who could call him to you.

You could see the scenery flash before his eyes. As familiar landscapes appeared before him, you recognized them - you knew them from a dream. You knew them, but not from so high up in the sky. Then, you saw a mountain, you saw a cliff, edged by pines. From above, you saw the path, the one going towards the house. You saw traces of steps, hundreds of them, as engraved in the ground. 

Great wings beating hard, shattering the opaque air - everything was denser, darker that you knew. The world was bathed in an acrid smoke, which clung to the eyes and embedded itself inside the lungs. And when his eyes fell upon where the house was supposed to be, there was nothing but a raging fire. There was the shape of a house, there were memories of what it used to be. 

And the fire was burning everything. The stone walls had exploded under the weight of the burning old frame, sending huge embers crashing down. There was no floor, there was no roof anymore. Fire devoured everything. 

He knew. 

He knew it was here that it all took place. He could feel it as well, the pain enfolding, the distress coming from deep within his soul. He stayed there, above the blaze, staring at the flames, before closing his eyes for a moment, trying to focus.

“This way…”

His eyes glanced towards the forest. 

Silver wings started beating harder the air all around, making the treetops tremble and blowing the dust off the ground. There was no pain, all movements smooth and natural. Only stinging in his chest, sorrow, devouring and insidious. Only a voice, pulling from inside. 

Carefully, he set a foot on the Surface’s grounds. He took a step - and you could feel the dirt under the sole of his feet as if it were you who had walked. 

He was not frightened. He was not lost and confused as you once was; he moved forward, head high, wings wide open, invested with a purpose. And perhaps, in his walk, a certain habit emerged, that of treading the dust of the Surface. He started walking towards the forest, through the path of those woods you knew too well. And behind him, the blaze ran out of steam, the scorching flames suddenly feverish. The embers died slowly, devoid of heat. Frost already absorbing everything.

And with him, the world plunged in winter. 

Everything was still. Everything was immobile. Yet, there was a thing luring him forward, hasty and restless. A silent cry guiding him towards a familiar soul, towards a missing piece of himself.

And as he walked, the world died quietly. 

Through the trees, he passed by the mortals and their torches and their guns. Everything was still. The moment on hold. He passed by them, and their torches went out as he walked. He passed by them, and their bodies collapsed on the ground. 

That was the cost for laying eyes on a child of Ymir. That was the cost, for considering spilling their blood. He kept on walking, and as he did, lifeless bodies fell onto the ground, skin cold and death freezing on their lips.

Finally, he stepped into a clearing.

And as he walked upon the Surface, he recognized it, just like you did when you first saw it. A Temple to Ymir. The colonnades were still there but enclosed by walls. It was washed from its vivid colors, stained-glass shattered into a million pieces. 

He had always thought they all had been destroyed, all those centuries ago. That none of them still stood on their ground. But it was here, it was real. The last piece of the puzzle. - hidden away and forgotten. 

His eyes eventually fell on the shape of a body, lying in the high grass.

It was dressed in black, elongated limbs squeezed into a movement, twisting a body too tall. And only as he got closer, he saw the opaline face framed by light hair. 

At the sight of the face, something arose in him. Powerful, too raw for him to contain. It tasted like anger. Like a senseless hatred clouding his own judgment. A mirror to your emotions, mixed with his. It took him a moment to collect himself. To suppress it all.

As he stood there, he observed the mortal, the bloodstains on her untidy clothes. There had been a struggle, her collar had been tugged until it was torn. Her arm was stretched out, a broken wrist, reaching towards something. A little further away was a gun.

It was a cursed soul still throbbing in a broken body.  

He closed his eyes. You felt the sigh on his lips as he turned away from her.

And snowflakes crashed against the bruises on her face. Her breath died in the cold.

“This is it,” he thought. This was the cost they had to pay. The sweet liberation of death.

And as he walked closer towards the Temple, the pulling at his chest became stronger, like a pulse, pounding harder with each step. 

He abruptly stopped. 

All around him, late autumn flowers were stained in red.

Another body laid there, at his feet. 

A boy, he saw, his eyes closed, corners still wet from tears - they had marked his face in such a delicate way, wet trails, drawing sinuous paths on his dusty cheeks. Yet the fragility of the moment did not capture what was really on the young face. It was the pain engraved on the features. This was a boy, only a boy.

His white garment was pierced in a single place, right below his heart. From there, life had escaped, in a wake of blood, thick arabesques. A single shot, a fatal wound.

There was nothing there. A fragile life already gone. But there, against his clothes, were feathers. 

And so, he knelt beside the boy. Carefully, he brought his hand to the cold face. 

He didn’t know what compelled him to do so. He couldn’t fathom why there was such sorrow, why it made him sick to just look at him. Why it angered him so much. As his fingers skimmed over his frozen skin, he took away the grief and the pain from his soul. Freed him. When he finally stood up, his hands were shaking.

Time was ticking away dangerously. The seconds hanging in the hourglass, flowing dangerously to the bottom. His power was waning, quivering on his forgotten land - like a torn fabric, letting the grains of sand of an endless desert creep in. There was no time for grief, no time for mourning. It was here, so close. But there was no one else in the clearing. Yet he knew what he was looking for. He knew you were here. 

In the grass, under his feet, stains of blood. Blood everywhere. He followed it, and with each step, the sole of his feet turned scarlet. He walked in the shattered glass, towards the Temple. It had to be there. 

The facade was decrepit, the limestone ancient and stained by time. There were a few steps leading to a stoop, dug by the weight of the millions of feet having one day climbed the stairs. He stopped in front of a door that had been left ajar. It creaked as he pushed it open.

A few seconds passed, for his eyes to get used to the darkness. For his mind to capture what was inside. Pews, and dust floating around. An altar lit up by the sky. There was a gaping hole in the ceiling. The light coming from the sky was gray, the pale sun of the Surface hidden by dark clouds.

On the marble floor, footprints led behind the altar. 

He took a few steps, his own heart pounding harder than ever.

There, there was a shadow, the shape of bodies tangled together on the floor. Step after step, he walked towards them.

He discerned a mortal man. His back to him, body bent - every bone in his spine showing through his bare skin. It was a vulnerable position, to the slightest blow. His head was low - resting against the body in his arms, and his forearms were covered in blood. His face couldn��t be seen, only the strands of flaxen hair falling on the side of his face. He was holding someone tight, covering their face with one hand, as if trying to stop the blood from running away. 

It hurt. It was agony, just to look at the scene. The despair in which he was lost. The preciousness of the one within his arms. How willing he was to give everything away for a fragment of life.

And as he stepped closer, the attraction suddenly snapped within him. 

In his arms, there was you.

Finally, you thought - and it echoed in Levi’s mind.

“Finally, I found you,” he said.

“Finally, you came,” you said.

And you watched as he knelt down in front of you.

You watched what he saw. You heard what he thought. That mortal, blood spilling and spreading over his fingers. That impudent man, daring to touch you. That insolent creature, doomed for eternity for having laid his eyes upon you. 

But all you could see was a broken man, trying to make sense out of the chaos. A man, trying his best to survive. A little boy turned into a soldier, still believing that life was something to protect. A boy, trying to heal a wounded being. All you could see was Zeke. Zeke holding your dying body in his arms. All you saw was the distress on his face, the tears on his cheeks. Your Zeke, alone in the darkness. Losing everything all over again. 

You would have liked to reach out to him, to his body, to his skin. You would have liked to hold him tight, there, against your heart. You would have liked to cry out, to mourn the justice of this world. But you were a mere spectator of the horror, a messenger of a destiny about to collapse, the witness of a last moment. And Levi's hands remained still at his side. 

“He never should have touched you,” Levi said, and you couldn’t see his face as he spoke.

All you could see was Zeke. 

And if it was not love that you saw, you were the most miserable being in this universe. Because it was in the way he was holding you, so dearly, when there was no hope. It was in that pain, a gaping hole that you could feel resonate everywhere.

When Levi eventually made a movement, his hands came to you. Abruptly, he tore you out of his arms, out of his embrace. Zeke's body remained there, kneeling and broken, as if petrified, while you were already moving away from the warmth of his arms.

He carried you towards the altar, where the light was coming from the sky. There, he could almost feel the wind on his face.

“That’s where I fell,” you murmured in his mind.

“I searched for you everywhere,” he whispered. “I searched in every sea, every ocean, in every bottomless abysses. On every battlefield I went, and among the bodies of dead soldiers, I was looking for you.” 

“I waited for you to come. But you never did.”

Through his eyes, you watched as Levi looked at your face, as if for the first time. He looked at the wound. He may have winced. You understood the fire and the blood covered world. You understood that she had aimed at your face. 

With the softest caress, he touched your forehead. 

And then, like a song played in reverse, he watched as the wound healed by his touch, as the blood flowed in reverse and as your skin closed under his skin, like sand blown by the wind. He waited, for what seemed hundreds of years, until your mind would let go of his.

He felt it giving in. He felt your skin getting warmer under his fingers. He watched as you opened your eyes. 

The prettiest eyes he had ever seen.

And when you opened your eyes - heavy, so heavy - Levi was here, before you. 

It was him, truly him. His face so real - and the joy of finally remembering washed over you. All the memories came back, as if you had run after them after they had started to evaporate. It was like chasing the birds in the sky, like cupping the butterflies in your hands before they were to flutter too high. 

You sighed with ease.

“But you’re here now,” you whispered.

And his eyes, that silver color that always made you feel safe, suddenly closed. Long and dark lashes, drawing shadows on his cheeks. 

When he opened his eyes again, they were shining bright. His jet black hair, always carefully tucked behind his ears, were falling on his cheekbones, hiding the sight of him.

“I thought I had lost you.”

You didn't let go of him while he told you, you had to hold him, always, never letting him go. He stayed like that. He talked. He talked, talked to himself. You listened attentively to a somewhat incoherent monologue, without importance. As for you, you listened to his memory starting up, apprehending hollow forms that made sense only for him, if you considered the memories ones to the others - like a game with lost rules.

You had waited for this for so long. So long, to hear the sound of his voice, the sweet ricochet of your names on his tongue. He said it again, and again and again, to make sure that it was true. That it was real. That you were real. 

It was real.

All of this was real. And it hit you, like a slap across the face. That it was all real, that outside, there was nothing but blood under the snow-covered world.

Your eyes suddenly snapped back towards Zeke. There, his body still in the darkness, frozen in time. 

Before you could say a word, Levi mumbled against your shoulder, “Let’s go home.”

Home. 

You had dreamt of those words. You had dreamt of it. 

There had been so many sleepless nights. So many questions, so much anguish. What if no one ever comes? What if they all forgot about me too?

But then had come the truth. The sacred texts and the strange beliefs. Then came affection and warmth. And with that truth, came peace. 

It was impossible. You could not leave everything there, not like that. Not yet. 

“I can’t,” you said.

Levi’s head jerked up, to stare at your face. 

“What?” His face was stoic, only the furrow of his forehead betrayed his thoughts.

“I can’t go back, after being here for so long.”

“Yes, you can.”

“No, Levi, I can’t.”

Suddenly, Levi stood straight. For a moment, you looked into each other's eyes. 

“What do you mean?” he asked, and his eyes were fixed in yours, looking for a sign, for an explanation. The weight of the words hard to grasp. “Is it because of me? Is it because I couldn’t find you?”

And you wanted to tell him it was all right, that it was not his fault. But that would have been a lie. If he had come sooner, things would have been different, perhaps. If you had known the truth, all along, things wouldn’t have been the same. It was not his fault, neither was it yours. It was just the world you were born in.

Carefully stroking the side of his face, you said, “I can’t leave him there.” 

And with these words, you slowly parted from his body. You walked around the altar, in this moment suspended between those two worlds. You knelt down in front of the man that had held you, the one that had kept you alive. The one that swore to protect you. 

Zeke’s face was imbued with such great despair. His sweet face, stained with blood and loss. And you wanted nothing more than to hold him in your arms, for eternity. To make sure he was safe, and that life was treating him fairly. That those wounds he had suffered wouldn’t kill him. That nobody would hurt him more than he already was. 

“I can’t leave him like that,” you whispered.

Selfishly, you would have thought that he would understand. Surely, he would understand. Surely there was hope. You looked up at Levi.

But his eyes were shining with something dark. All these emotions on his face, they were all new. 

He had stood up from where he was. He took a step. And as he walked, his face lowered dangerously. Snowflakes slid slowly behind him, across the ceiling.

“What did he do to you?” And his words were nothing but a deep whisper. A warning.

You stayed there, knees against the cold stone, in this Temple forgotten by time.

Some part of you wanted to rush towards him, to grab his hands. Words formed on your lips, around your tongue, excuses, only excuses - trying in vain to find something to say. Something to make him understand, quickly, something to erase that look of pure disgust. Something to bring him back to you. Something to make sure he was the same, and you were the same, and nothing had to change. Anything.

Nothing but the truth came out of your mouth.

“He saved me. He saved me when no one else did.”

He was getting closer, eyes dark. Inside your chest, you felt your heart for the first time in forever, pounding too hard.

“I gave him everything I had because he was the sole reason I was alive. Because he was torn and fragile and he showed me love like no one else ever did-...”

One syllable, filled with rage. It echoed everywhere. A beast’s roar. He yelled, a single word.  In denial.

At that very moment, you thought “So it’s all true.”

Not only Zeke had been right. Humanity was.

Because you saw something in his eyes. Something so violent, so sharp, you felt it piercing through your heart. You saw it all, glimpses of things you would have never imagined running upon his face. He was looking straight through you, and all you could see was it - the violence of his stare.

So you led in, caught Zeke’s body, brought him against your chest. Your hands tightened around his shoulders as you looked back at Levi. 

But before you were nothing but these silver eyes. Gleaming back at you, casting a gloom over the world all around. In his back, glorious wings, stretched open, so wide, wider than you could even remember. Taking all the space between those walls. Hiding away the sunlight. 

Those wings, taking him places you could never have imagined. Always, always shining so bright. But the truth was covered in blood.

Humanity had been right all along. Their stories might have been different from the ones you’d been taught, but they were right. All you knew was nothing but fabricated lies.

It was true, yet very violent to fathom. But as you stood there, kneeling in front of this man, you suddenly understood.

What they meant, all this time.

That Levi was the Angel of death.

It was a stranger standing before you. It was a threat; it was an enemy. All that you could see was death in his eyes. It was hatred and disgust. And you never really knew him. 

You never really knew anyone. Because they kept on lying and lying and lying to you, about the Surface and the world and Mankind. You weren’t even sure that you could fly nor that the pristine halls of Paradis ever existed. 

Seconds went by, and you were nothing but a mere child under his stare. You could have cried, pleaded, and begged, but did none of it. You felt sick in your stomach. On the verge of dying.

It was as if you had forgotten how to breathe. As if your own life was running through your fingers. As if he knew everything, every fragment of your soul and your deepest desires. And under his stare, there was nothing, nothing, you could do. Those eyes you remembered so full of affection were long gone. Standing before you, a man you’d never seen before. There was so much to ask, so much to confront, the contradictions and the lies. But you were quick to realize, at this moment, that the Goddess never made gentle children. 

All of you were sinners, as your once humanity cursed you to be. 

Savage brothers and sisters.

Five words echoed in the Temple. Through his gritted teeth, spitted out like venom, he pronounced five words, enough to ground you back into the world.

“I will slice his throat.”

And there was no such thing as pity in his eyes. His jaw was set, the joints of his fingers going white around the grip of a blade - a weapon you suddenly remembered him wielding. Long and sharp, beveled blade. Holy weapons, called to their bearer side by their will only, granted by the Goddess Herself to Her children.

It all came back to you. The day of the attack. What happened before the fall. 

You remembered coming out of a stupor when the first blow sounded against the doors, echoing in the empty and quiet halls. Before you knew it, you were standing in front of them, so massive, your spear in your hands. 

You remembered fighting with your own weapon. Sharper and deadlier than an arrow. Piercing the flesh, nailing the bodies to the ground. All of it, so vividly, the blows knocking them down. It was something you knew how to do. It was something engraved within you.

In your back, wings started fluttering painlessly. You raised your head to him, ignoring the blurred world all around you. And instead of the shaking words you thought you'd pronounce, there was a raging shout.

“Then I’ll kill you.”

His wings began to beat, blowing the dust and flakes into your face. But instead of keeping your head down in front of him, in front of his power and strength, you stood up, Zeke's body heavy in your arms. There, right up against you. Where nothing could ever take him away.

“I'll bleed you with my own hands on those cursed grounds if you take one more step.”

Levi was staring at you, his disgusted eyes everywhere on you, glaring at the man in your arms. He took another step. 

You imagined it, his blade slicing Zeke’s throat. His life over forever, and being the one responsible for it. Not fighting for what you wanted, for what you deemed right, was out of question.

“I said stop!”

And it was more than a shout this time. It almost took you aback, the sheer force of it, the vibrant and unbreakable words. 

An inexorable command to which every being would yield.

And Levi stopped dead in his tracks. The beating of his wings suddenly lagged, bringing to a halt the storm around you. Immobile in turn, in this in-between plan of the universe which seemed to be his alone. 

Every muscle on his face was twitching, betraying an anger so great that his forced stillness couldn't contain. He was fighting it, trying to break free from you. Struggling to even speak. In his hand, the blade of his weapon was trembling imperceptibly under the pressure of his fingers.

But you were no match before him. He was pure strength and determination, and you knew that whatever prevented him from hurling himself at you, would soon break. At any moment, the imposed balance would shatter. At any moment, he would win the fight. Soon, he would be on you, deadly blade slicing loved fleshes.

And you, you had to remember how to fight. You had to remember how to use the weapon the Goddess once gave you. You just had to call it.

You looked down at Zeke in your arms, his face still, his sorrow engraved behind his closed eyelids. There was no surrender. There was no acceptable ending where you were to leave him. There was just no path where you didn’t live to love him. You weren't giving up on him. 

Slowly, in your mind, you remembered the touch of it, the touch of your fingers against the wooden handle. That weapon of yours, light and piercing. A spear like no other. You remembered yourself, your childish hands turned towards the Goddess, in which She had placed a weapon too big, too heavy. Too deadly. You remembered the naturalness of its throw, the extension of your arm. You remembered the bodies collapsing under its whistle, the sharp, vivid rip in the air.

You could almost feel it in your hand. Its weight, its sensation. It was almost there, crawling under the skin of your hand.

You tried, you really tried. You thought you could do it. 

But nothing came when you called.

Your eyes snapped open at Levi’s voice breaking the silence.

“You don’t know what you’ve done.”

At your side, your hand remained empty. 

And there was no reasoning with him. You could read it all upon his face. He had already tipped over somewhere unreachable, abandoned to panic and disgust. Fighting to get the upper hand - trying to break whatever compelled him to remain immobile. 

What you had done, no one could ever understand. Not even him. That love he once had for you - was not for the one standing before him, brave and desirous. It was for the child you used to be, lost and drowsy by eternity. What you had done could be drowned by excuses, but would never be enough for him to understand. 

“I lived,” you answered him, and it all came out like a river in spate, “I tried to live! And you are not allowed to blame me for it. I wanted all the things I thought I never needed, all the things of which I had been deprived. I only wanted my life back, that’s all I ever did. I denied it all for so long, but I had to fall, didn’t I? I guess I had to fall, to find my place among the ashes.”

His face twisted into a wince, his whole body shaking with rage. “You let this swine corrupt you,” he snapped back at you. “For what? For the fleeting feeling of being alive? You let him touch you, you let him-…"

"You don't know a hundredth of what we've done! You don't know anything!”

“Oh, but I know everything! I know what you have done, you idiot!”

“Why does it matter to you? You all thought I was dead! Would have it been better if I were dead?”

“Our fleshes are sacred! Ymir made us who we are so we could watch over this world, not to get our hands dirty with it!”

“And yet she let it rot!” you shouted, and as you spoke, you held Zeke’s body tighter. “She let her own children die and suffer in wars so old they forgot why they even fought in the first place. You think because she saved a handful of us, thousands of years ago, she is a fair ruler?”

“Look outside! Look at what they did to you! They are the ones to blame for all of this.”

“Are they really?”

Were they really to blame, while abandoned by the goddess for millennia, they had to rebuild a world gone up in smoke, growing up upon lands stained by blood. This hatred, like a heritage of a godless people, was not making any sense.

Yet everything had emanated from her.

Ymir, the Mother of all things, was the starting point of everything; the world’s creator, its protector and its only Goddess. 

But she had chosen to destroy it, while Mankind, jealous of her eternity and power, had defiled the ground of Paradis. She was the one who had cursed them, who had turned the verdurous lands of her own world upside down and made the oceans spit fire. She was the one who had torn the sky from the surface, promising forever to watch her children kill each other on once fertile lands. 

She was the one who taught you how to fear and how to hate. She was the one who showed you how to kill. She had been the one responsible for destroying everything, and eventually - for cursing them.

“Do you think the diluted hatred in their blood is truly theirs? Can’t you see that this,” and you waved at the world around you, at the ruins of this temple, at the corpses in the grass, at the smoke in the sky, “is not our legacy? 

“This is the cost they have to pay.” The gravel of his voice. Everywhere. Embroidering under your skin. 

“And I refuse to stand there as she keeps on murdering the children of her children. I refuse to remain silent in the face of her atrocity.”

A grimace of pain flashed on his face as he said, “She made you who you are. She gave Her own life to have you live.”

“And how many did she make you take?” you spitted. “How much did it cost you?”

His face fell. For the first time, he looked at you in disbelief.

Because he knew that you weren’t supposed to know. He knew those heavy secrets kept away from you. And that his mere purpose in this world was one of them.

“How-...”

“Would it be easier? Tell me, Angel of death, would it be easier to hide it?”

“Don’t call me that, you don’t know-...”

“What else must I know to understand? Don’t you dare tell me about this goddess of ours. Don’t you dare tell me she has been fair to you.”

“I accepted my duties. I didn’t do it to help Her. I did it to survive.”

“Or else what?” And you watched, you watched as he stood there, looking for an answer, looking for the words that would sound right. 

You would never have known, never, all the power that truth contained, how it could turn the game around, until you held it in the palm of your hand.

“She would have gotten rid of you, Levi. Like she got rid of me.”

“No.”

“She would have made your wings wither and exiled you to the end of the world, where the bloodthirst of Mankind is as great as on the first day of the Holy Wars. She would have ripped away your memories and stifled your cries for help.”

“This is not what happened.”

You were here for a reason. Because she knew that no one would ever come here, as all of you had forgotten about this place. Because this was nothing but a punishment. The only one of her children who did not know how to fly, fallen from Paradis. 

“What happened then? Has she not shaped this world with her own hands? What could have happened for a goddess to forget about her own child? So tell me, Levi. What was her purpose? How could the master of all things have failed in her duties without ever alarming us?”

You straighten yourself up, spreading your feet below your hips as you adjust Zeke’s weight in your arms. In your back, wings shrugged, waiting for an answer that never came.

“She’s tired of this world,” you said, slowly, “bored of her creation. There is no blood anymore, no prayers, no mourners pleading her name. Mankind has evolved. They kill themselves with weapons she could never have given them. 

Can't you see that she is no longer amused? She doesn't need it anymore. She created mankind for her pleasure, for her own pure enjoyment. And while the gods never get bored, she got bored with the suffering of her playthings. 

She’s trying to get rid of it. She enslaved her most powerful children, sending them to kill themselves in cruel and aimless labor - while the useless ones she abandons to the edge of the world. She turned the most powerful of them all into an obedient little soldier, while the rest of us went numb in hollowness. This is only the beginning - it takes time to erase and start again. The only purpose she has been pursuing was to get rid of this world. And whether you like it or not, we are part of it.”

And right as you spoke, the balance broke.

Except it was not because he fought back, because his power had broken the weight of the order. It was because he surrendered. 

He flinched back.

Behind you, all around you, the deafening sound of something shattering sounded. It was coming from the sky, from deep within the earth. Your eyes snapped toward the gaping hole in the ceiling, and from there, you could see immense cracks tearing the gray sky.

“There is no time left,” Levi said, and your eyes snapped back at him. He sounded so flat, as if none of it was affecting him anymore.

It was about to break. This quiet word you were all plunged in. Soon, the winter was to be over. 

“Just let me go,” you said in a whisper, voice suddenly quivering.

His eyes were turned towards the destroyed ceiling. He wasn't looking at you anymore, anger and disgust gone. On his face, only deception could be seen. And as he spoke, his eyes remained fixed towards the gray sky.

“I won’t leave you here.”

“You can leave us here, you can forget about me!”

But he was not listening anymore. He was not fighting back. 

“Come home with me,” he said.

“It’s not home. It never was.,”

“Stop it. Please,” he said, and his eyes fell to the ground between the two of you. Something in his voice was urgent. And in his back, his silver wings resumed their flutter.

“I’m begging you, just leave me here,” you were shaking your head. You were pleading. 

He took a step forward.

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can!” you shouted. Zeke’s body was tight against your chest, the warm scent of his life against your skin, “Just leave me here, as if you had never found me!”

His wings flared out.

It was like witnessing the return of spring, the moist heat rising to your cheeks, the world suddenly overflowing, full of scents, too much heat. It was like watching the world regain its colors, after being plunged in the dark for so long.

Only it was terrifying. It was the last grain of sand in the hourglass, about to be swallowed down. It was not a rebirth of any kind. It was the return of something that meant the end. It was the bodies outside that would finally die, where the winter had taken everything. It was the end.

He didn’t answer, sweeping a cold stare across your face. So heavy of meaning, the disappointment palpable. Under it, you slightly flinched, its weight more meaningful than a thousand words.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

And suddenly everything around you was pitch black. All that was to be seen were his two silver eyes. Transfixed on you. 

You felt it coming, dryness drawing on your eyes. 

Everything was dark, and he was everywhere, silver eyes shining so intensely that you couldn't take your eyes off, a too brutal attraction. It was like being dragged against your will into lands too far away to ever imagine. A rapture that meant the end. You were not to blink or it was over.

Don’t close your eyes. 

In your arms, Zeke made a movement. His body was coming back to life, warm and clammy.

You felt him regain consciousness. Then, you heard the sweet sound of his voice. A mumble, his weight adjusting, trying to straighten up. You felt his hand, sliding down your shoulder. He called for you, his voice exhausted. He whispered “love?" against your neck.

And yet you could not take your eyes off death.

When you leaned in, grabbing his face with one of your hands, your eyes couldn't avert the unyielding silver colored eyes. He was getting closer. It was too late. 

"Listen to me, Zeke. Listen to me carefully."

Not yet. Don’t blink.

You tried to resist, but all of it, it was too strong, swallowing you whole, towards unescapable halls. There was nothing, nothing you could do.

“You have to swear,” you said, voice broken, echoing faintly, “Swear that you will keep your eyes closed.”

Or it’s all over. 

Before you, only the blade of his eyes. There, so close, inevitable. Already engulfing everything. And it hurt, hurt so sharply, eyes burning from resisting, from standing up against him.

You would have liked so badly, one last time, to see the blue of his eyes, the tempestuous color of the ocean. To lose yourself in their vastness.

There was no ending of your story where you were to leave him.

“What you will see will only kill you.”

#lacrymosa 🍂 #zeke x reader #zeke #zeke yeager #zeke jaeger #zeke jaeger x reader #zeke jaeger x y/n #zeke jaeger x you #zeke aot #zeke snk #aot zeke #snk zeke #zeke x you #zeke x y/n #zeke yeager x reader #zeke yaeger x you #zeke yeager x y/n #zeke yaeger x reader #aot x reader #aot fanfiction #snk fanfiction #attack on titan x reader #ada's doing snk stuff

[lunaekalenda]

Jean, Reiner, Zeke, Erwin and Eren how you think they would comfort the f!reader after having or while having an anxiety attack?!

loveeeeeeeee your writing

of course ! i hope you like it <3 sorry for all the waiting! also, thanks for your words <3 :D

warnings: mentions of anxiety, anxiety attacks.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

-> Jean

he's all lips, arms and whispers for you

makes sure to stay away if you wanna be alone and to hold your hand if you want him near.

doesn't pressure you to tell him anything, but also listens in case you need to vent about it.

kisses your forehead and makes you hot chocolate to help you feel better

stops any activity he was doing before to spend time with you and makes sure you feel loved and cared for

he never says it, but his heart gets calm when you do. there's nothing he hates more than seeing you like that and being unable to help

the last thing he wants to do it's hurt you, that's why he learned to read you during your attacks and getting how he can help.

even when he just wants to wrap you with his arms and kiss every single tear away from your cheeks

he knows sometimes you need your space to calm and meditate, and he gives it to you

be ready for a whole afternoon of keeping your mind occupied, because he knows how much pain a thoughtful brain can bring

you thank him millions for all the effort he does to keep you entertained

board games, films, videogames and painting together are some of his favorites while your breath gets calm and your muscles stop trembling

"come here, let's have a barbie marathon while we cuddle, yeah?"

-> Reiner

sweet words and a whole world of help

all his tall and muscular body is filled with concern in the moment he spots a tear running down your cheeks

doesn't want to be invasive, so instead he shows he's there

"everything is alright, baby. i have you."

wraps you in a blanket in the exact moment you start to tremble

brings tissues, more blankets, comfy clothes and another things he thinks you'll need whenever he feels you're down

asks you to use him as a giant teddy bear, letting you rest on him, hug his body and bury your face on his chest

buys you comfort things (any comfort food, film or whatever makes you feel more peaceful)

covers your face with kisses and also hides his face on the crook of your neck whenever you change positions to be more comfortable.

caresses your hair until you fall asleep between his arms, letting your rest calmly under his sweet touch

makes sure you've drank enough after all the tears you dropped

checks on you from time to time to avoid big crisis when you reach your limit

-> Zeke

he knows he's not the example to follow when you feel overwhelmed.

smoking and drinking will not solve your problems, and he doesn't want you to end like him

that's why he's always alerting in case he sees any sign of anxiety on your body

and tries to stop it and talk about it calmly before it evolves into a bigger problem that will end with some panic attacks

he always has time to talk with you about your concerns.

on text, on voice or video call or in person, he always, always makes time for you, and you really appreciate it

gives you tons of advices he learned from his years studying so it can make the anxiety situations more bearable for you

makes you follow his breath when he feels you start hyperventilating

tries to be your bridge between reality and your hurtful imagination

"can you feel my chest rising? take air at the same time, darling."

-> Erwin

asks you to talk about the problem because he thinks everything has a solution, of course, only if you want to

listens to you with straight face and your hands between his, while you drink the tea he prepared for both of you.

he gives good advice most of the times

even when he knows that anxiety makes your brain believe there's no solution, he insists on helping you to overcome the problem together

makes sure to remind you he will be by your side always, even during hard times you will struggle to manage

he won't leave you as you didn't leave him, and you're all he has. he can't lose you that easy.

puts classical music while he makes more tea and moves your little reunion to the couch, that way. he can hug you while you talk

he's a great listener, and never doubts to let you know that your feelings are not "little nothings": when it affects you, it's a problem.

even when you think you overreact sometimes, he reminds you that any bad feeling it brings you, it's something bigger than you think

doesn't minimize your feelings and tries to make you feel understood.

-> Eren

gets easily sentimental because he sees you having a bad time and gets sad because it breaks his heart.

he's a little clueless about how to manage this type of situations, so he just follows his heart, and does what would comfort him.

hugs and kisses, for sure, silent reminders that he's there with you.

little post-it notes whenever he enters or leaves the room if you want to be alone, with the sweetest reminders of all the things he likes about you and why you should appreciate yourself as much as he does

calls his mom on a desperate try to find advices :(

he's just so worried and his chest feels horrible because he doesn't know how to manage it but doesn't want you to notice it

it's super on the lookout of your needs, of every single one of them. from water to food.

makes sure you keep taking care of yourself, taking showers and eating well, cause it can be truly a struggle and he knows it.

just makes sure by being around you, quietly looking for your necessities

#aot fluff #snk fluff #aot headcanons #snk headcanons #jean x y/n #jean x you #jean x reader #jean kirstein x reader #jean snk #reiner x you #reiner x reader #reiner x y/n #reiner fluff #reiner snk #zeke x you #zeke x reader #zeke x y/n #zeke fluff #zeke snk #erwin x reader #erwin x you #erwin x y/n #erwin snk #erwin fluff #eren x reader #eren x you #eren x y/n #eren fluff #eren snk

[tulipanka-a]

Zeke Yeager & Pieck Finger

aesthetics

#zikupiku

#aot #aot headcanons #snk #aot aesthetic #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #snk headcanons #snk aesthetic #aotedit #survey corps #pieck finger #attack on titan pieck #zeke x pieck #pieck snk #aot pieck #aot zeke #zeke yeager #Yeager #zeke aot #zeke snk

[quills-of-freedom]

Zeke ~ Relationship, vibe and Various

💦

💭

🦶

👅

🚵

🦧

🦠

☕

⌚

🪐

⚾️

🕯

📨

💉

🚬

Oh boy. There’s a lot here on Zeke.

In his younger years in a modern AU he most definitely smoked the devil’s lettuce and dabbled in harder things, mostly hallucinogenics.

Zeke is pretty hard to get close to. But if you are lucky enough to be that person, it’ll take a lot of patience for him to fully open up to you. He can be quite cold and uncaring before you get to that point - just stick with it and you’ll get to his centre.

He needs love as he lacked it a lot growing up. Once he trusts you and feels like you won’t just abandon him or betray him, he’s yours forever.

Extremely private about you and your private life together. He never mentions to anyone if you’ve argued or are having problems. Say for, one long sigh with a glass of bourbon at the bar.

“Love is a pain in the ass.” Is the most he’ll complain to others.

Likes to cook you homemade meals. He’ll make sure you have lunch packed too. He has a secret and surprising sweet, homely side to him.

Ideal dates

Zeke would only entertain the thought of a date once he matures. When he’s in his drug and party phase, he’s 110% a fuck boy. He doesn’t even go looking for it either, it just lands in his lap. Most of the time he turned it down anyway.

He can be very traditional and for the first date he’ll wine and dine you. A beautiful meal at one of his favourite places and a bottle of the finest red they have. Or white. Or even soda if that’s what you prefer.

He’ll top it off with a walk before taking you home. He won’t make a move on the first date.

Once you both get more comfortable around one another he’ll begin to suggest bike rides and camping trips. Maybe even take you to a ball game.

Expect a lot of stargazing and sunsets.

Zeke isn’t huge on PDA but he’ll have subtle actions such as placing his hand on the small of your back or pressing his cheek against yours. He’s a mix between a gentleman and a cold prude. Only on the outside though. Even to get this far with him means you’re a pretty special person.

Modern AU

As mentioned above, he experimented with drugs a lot. Maybe to escape his pain and self medicate? Who knows. He was a bit of a party goer too. He’ll be the one in the corner popping a pill wearing a weird shirt or singing with a guitar at a random house party.

However when he leaves that phase he’s a pretty normal guy. He’ll probably study to work in the medical field. He’s pretty dang smart and the stimulation of his logic motivates him.

He enjoys watching sports, obviously baseball being his favourite. Secretly collects old baseball cards of players long retired. He keeps them under his bed in a leather bound pouch book.

Loves partaking in outdoor activities like bike riding, hiking and kayaking. If you share this trait with him, you’ll most certainly be in a special place in his heart.

One of those hypocritical doctors who will tell you off for smoking before going to lunch, walk outside and spark one up.

Adores his half brother and often takes Eren on camping and fishing trips, just the two of them. It’s super sweet. They bond so well.

NSFW

Phew. Okay.

I don’t call him “Zeke the freak” for no reason.

Like… I’m not even kidding. Oh my gosh.

He is an absolute animal in bed. He’s into anything and everything. You name it, he’ll want to do or try it with you.

Kinky sex, bondage, anal play, feet, ass, breasts if you have them, oral, biting, scratching, soft sex, praising, degrading, cock warming, teasing… the list goes on.

Once he’s comfortable with you to sleep with you, he’s not a shy guy either.

Will eat you out for hours. And he’ll love every ticking second that goes by.

Can go all night. I mean all night.

If you two get super serious, he’s not opposed to some passionate love making. He’s obsessed with making you feel good and will make you orgasm again and again and again.

His cumshot is thin and watery but my stars there’s a lot of it. He can shower you with one big load and you’ll be glistening like the god/godess you are.

He has two modes; 1. Animal. Will moan, howl, growl and speak filth while he fucks you. Or 2. Passionate and quite where his breathing is deep and staggered, his focus totally on you. He can switch it up during sessions too. All depends on his mood and your chemistry.

Kinks

Anything and everything.

Anything that has anything to do with you, he’s super into. Your hair if you have it, feet, arms, thighs, ass etc.

Pleasure kink. Adores seeing you tremble, totally at his mercy. He’s a pleasure machine and will see to you until you are satisfied, even if that is when the sun comes up.

Skull fucking. He loves making you choke and gag on his length. It makes him literally howl with excitement. If it’s not your thing, no biggy. He’ll work around it somehow.

Loves putting sex toys and other objects into you. He’s fascinated with watching how you react, how they stretch you out and what object makes what noise escape from those beautiful lips.

Light choking. He loves grabbing your neck while he pounds into you.

He loves pain. Being bitten or scratched shows him he’s doing a good job and gets him closer to his edge.

Aftercare

Don’t expect any if you’ve just started dating. You’re his cum bucket and don’t you forget it.

However if you’ve earned his respect, loyalty and heart, it’s a totally different ballgame.

Will shower you, feed you and hold you. He never gets super mushy or clingy, but after sex he knows to show just the right amount so you feel valued and respected.

If he was a little rough and left marks, he’ll kiss them passionately. If he had you in an awkward position, he’ll give you a massage too.

All in all, until he opens up to you he’s just a total asshole. But that’s not his fault. It’s hard for him to open up and feel accepted by others. But once you’re there, he’s almost perfect.

#zeke jäger #aot zeke #zeke jaeger #zeke snk

[incepstla]

Shingeki no kyojin (2013 - 2023) Special 2 - First major appearances vs Last appearances

Thank you for all these amazing characters. ♡

End.

#snk #shingeki no kyojin #snk spoilers #attack on titan #snkedit #eren jaeger #mikasa ackerman #armin arlert #levi ackerman #jean kirstein #erwin smith #hange zoe #reiner braun #gabi braun #zeke jaeger #historia reiss #usertorichi #usergokalp #my edit #incepstla

[tatakaeeren]

Levi fulfilled his promise...

#levi ackerman #erwin smith #zeke jaeger #levi #snk spoilers #snkgraphic #snkedit #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #aot #snk #torisnkgifs #my man is a man of his word :') .... Im so happy for him he kept his promise and now he is at peace 💖 #levi will forever be my number one #usergojoana #usergokalp #userartless #useraki #userdabiluna #userokkottsus #userinahochi #usermica #tuserelena #tusersky #usersenka #usermoonz #kilruas #userheidi #userhyu

[novaae]

the iq in this room has gotta be insane

#snk #aot #attack on titan #zeke yeager #armin arlert #my post

[slwtawn]

knockout!

#levi ackerman #zeke yeager #zeke #eruri #aot #aot fanart #snk fanart #snk #shingeki no kyojin #erwin smith #attack on titan #my art #digital art

[nihaalart]

Interviewer: Who’s the biggest troublemaker? |  patreon

#nihaalart #aot #snk #attack on titan #shingeki no kyoujin #eren #eren jeager #connie springer #zeke jaeger #annie leonhart #pieck finger #jean kirstein #Jean Krischtein

[fangirling-tussisque-noncaelatur]

Levi to Zeke: Sorry, I don't like you that way.

Zeke: ...

Levi: As a matter of fact, I just don't like you.

#levi ackerman #zeke jaeger #snk #aot #incorrect quotes #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #levi snk #snk levi #zeke snk #zeke yeager #snk zeke #ackerman levi #aot levi #levi aot #zeke aot #aot zeke #jaeger zeke #yeager zeke #levi and zeke #zeke and levi #source: teen titans #incorrect snk #incorrect aot #incorrect snk quotes #incorrect aot quotes #snk incorrect quotes #aot incorrect quotes #levi #levi heichou

[prince-charmless-nightlight]

DARK HAIRED ZEKE YEAGER ANYONE?????

#zeke yeager #zeke jaeger #zeke jeager #zeke yaeger #zeke aot #zeke snk

[adalz]

Lacrymosa - part 5

pairing: Zeke x Reader ー Priest!Zeke x Angel!Reader (mention of Angel!Levi x Angel!Reader)

chapter warnings: /!\ very angsty/violent chapter / a lot of violence and blood, use of gun, mention of wounds, witchhunt, minor/ major character death (i'm so sorry) / sacrilege tw, you know the drill.

world count: 7.3k

a/n: Hi! I started writing this chapter forever ago. I had to work back and forth on it. most of it was written in one fell swoop. Kind of long getting in, but once you're n it. You’re in it. So much chaos.  

<< prev. part | series m.list | next part >> (soon)

In the distance, far, so far away. A memory. 

Like an echo lost in a mountain gorge, twirling above the valley.

Throbbing with life, it was so volatile it stuck to your skin, carried by an exhilarating feeling of momentum.

A memory wafted by the frosty winter wind, and your great wings glided on the updrafts of the sky.

There were landscapes, thousands of them, gone in a blink of an eye as the wind flew through your body like a vital force, eyelids heavy, face slapped by the sky. And suddenly, in the distance, tearing the pale horizon, the shape of a mountain. There, underneath your body, miles and miles of plains went by with the seconds. 

The secret whispers of the wind were loud in your ears, the tugging of the tense muscles of your wings hard and sharp. They were outstretched, strong - striking the air. And so, like an unexpected change of balance, your body stretched, reaching higher, towards the snowy peaks - beyond the rocks and the stone paths once used by Mankind.

It was such a strange memory, indistinct, lost in time. Something was odd - leaving a bitter taste in your mouth. The feeling of a captive bird, finally freeing itself from its golden cage, discovering the vast reality of a too voracious sky.

On your skin, thousands of sea spray stained your face, carried by the wind. There, there, beyond those stone walls, the scent of salt, the smell of the coast beaten by the winds and the tide - the ocean.

In this memory's rush, beyond the mist of the mountains, it finally appeared. There was the ocean, the ricochets of the infinite stretches of water. The softest sapphire reflections. The senseless call of the waves, heady. 

Your muscles finally relaxed in your back, and your body gave in to gravity.

I could have fallen in the middle of the ocean and my body would have slowly sunk to the bottomless abyss.

The adrenaline of the fall, controlled and delightful, made your heartbeat hard in your chest. As your body was about to slide into the water, your wings flared open - almost sliding on the opaline surface.

Fingers dived into the icy water, barely skimming the lace of foam on its surface, but the hard speed scraped them across the waves. Consumed by this unrealistic, almost painful coldness, you quickly withdrew your hand. And then with a dull, powerful wingbeat, shattering the air and the waters all around you, you plunged back towards the sky.

Sovereign of heavens, lost in their immensity, brushing the captive snowflakes in the clouds charged with electricity - it was an insatiable memory, tugging at your heart.

But something was wrong. Like an out of tune instrument in a delicate orchestra. 

Because this could never have happened.

You should have known this land. You should have remembered it.

That thrilling memory, buried deep inside you. As beautiful as it was - it all sounded wrong.

Invented.

Fabricated. 

Because never before had you dived into the blue Surface's sky. 

Because as far as you could remember, there had always been nothing but horrible memories, attached to nothing but fear. 

Because all you could really remember was the oceans infused with the color of blood. Mountains spat fire, and the curse of the Goddess had fallen upon Her creation. 

Because you had no real memory of that life you once lived, and only that senseless and uncontrollable fear had haunted you, for eternity, on the ground of Paradis. Held so close to the Goddess, She alone had let those fears grow within you. Only She had known the skies of the Surface of yesteryear.

Because the Goddess had taken everything from all of you, at the cost of wings too big to ever fly.

Those wings in your back were the very mark of a peace you had never known. Because your first memories were painful with nothing but death and destruction.

Because you, the children of Ymir, were then blessed with wings so large and so powerful that no mortal weapon could ever touch you. 

Yet, all it took to make you fall was an arrow.

There, deep within your flesh, stealing the air from your lungs. Offering you back to these lands. 

Far from the vast horizon and the ocean spray, you had learned to fly in a cage.

Prisoner of a tortured sleep, of marble halls too white, you had never known the blue sky and the seas with their silver reflections. Never had you known anything but destruction, death, and the deafening sound of eternity. You were a mere child, endowed with sacred powers. And nothing but the shades of death on Her lands had survived in your mind.

All of a sudden, in this too pristine memory, the sky was upside down. The taste of a blood too old flooded in your mouth. Its once scarlet color, dried and blackened by the intense light of the sun, blinded the whole world around you.

Nothing had prepared you to fall. No one ever taught you how to fly.

An eternity spent wandering around the ground of Paradis, and you waited for it to be over. You thought, there was a purpose. That it mattered. You thought there was sense.

How come no one ever told you?

That death and destruction were to be endless. And that their perpetrator was of sacred blood.

That Levi was an angel of death.

Senseless world. Nothing but fear, crawling, instilling inside your veins. Alone in this infinite sky, endlessly falling

And slowly, everything started to distort. This lie slowly evaporated. You blinked. The world was dark.

Thousands of voices fell silent in the night.

Your eyes fluttered open.

A breath 

and reality slowly returned. 

The beating of your own heart came to settle on the regular rhythm of rain hitting against the window. You could hear water drip against the half-opened window

Sweat was sliding down your neck, your body still sore from sleep.

You woke up, and it was dark in the room. 

You woke up with the feeling that your body was heavy, arms dead. Your wings tighter than ever against you. Suffocating.

The touch of a hand came. There, resting against your chest. Five cool fingers, as if measuring the crazy rhythm of your heart. Your pillow collapsed a little as you turned your face in his direction.

His head was resting against his arm, you could barely make out his features. Barely, the line of his neck. The curve of his chest. The delicate lines of his stomach and of his hips. Only, in the darkness of the night, the reflection of his eyes was on you.

This blue so familiar, full of sleep, was observing you.

He made a movement, and the sheets slightly slid off your naked bodies. His fingers gently came up to your forehead in a delicate caress. 

He murmured something, but the meaning of his words was lost in the low tone of his voice. Against your burning forehead, cool lips came to place a gentle kiss.

Oddly, knowing that he was awake at the same time as you, in the middle of the night, was appeasing. For he kept finding you, no matter where you were, and every single time, you were reborn under his fingers.

Then, you let your body slide in the sheets, thirsty for his cool touch. Dying to drown in his embrace. His arms tightly closed around you. 

Your nose against his skin, already overwhelmed by his touch, you thought about everything you had taken away from him. Everything he had given up. How you had turned his world upside down. This selfishness, which made you want his arms and his mind only to you. Him, already devoted to the Goddess. Him and his words and his outdated beliefs. Him and his faded world. Him and his gentle words.

Where She had abandoned you, he had given you everything. And you would burn forever in the flames of the Surface for refusing to love him.

It was so dark, and your world was in his arms. Safe. He had found you.

-

You woke up and the room was blood red. The sun was rising. Your wings spread behind you, feathers caressing your skin and your arm around Zeke, pulling him tight. You couldn't remember ever being so warm. Yet, there, on the tip of your fingers, you could have sworn you still felt the coldness of the sea.

-

You woke up and the room was bathed in yellow. His breath was steady and even. In his hair, the sun's rays were dancing. Beyond the window, beyond the rain clouds, the morning had blossomed. 

In a loud whisper, your body suddenly remembered the kisses of the night before, the frantic dance of love on your hips. There was a forbidden taste in your mouth. A bitter taste of success.

Gently, you extirpated your body out of his arms, carefully slipping towards the edge of the bed. Immobile in the silence, you sat there a long moment.

Shaking away the sleep, you bent your back while stretching and your wings opened painlessly.

Painlessly, you thought. Strong and steady. 

You grabbed the holed shirt that had been discarded on the floor, and walked out of the room, trying not to think about it. Of this silent promise of having to leave, eventually. 

As you went down the stairs, you let your wings slightly flutter, your body so light by the force of the air lifted by the working muscles. As if walking on water, your feet met the cold kitchen floor in an instant.

The muscles of your thighs suddenly woke up, warmed up by a soft pain, alive with a song that words did not come back to you, drowsy in a heady desire. 

In silence, you started making tea in the old kitchen. Soon, the sound of water ricocheted in the kettle, and you tried not to let your thoughts wander as you absent-mindedly looked outside the small paned window. From there, you could see the wrought-iron gate, a few trees in the woods and the path going downhill. The birds were already chirping in the forest.

From the cupboard, you grabbed one of the cylindrical metal boxes, on which was written in large calligraphic letters “Reeves Trading Company”. A sweet smell wafted up to you as you opened it. It was aroma of dried leaves, with the scent of fruit and vanilla. You brought the box to your nose, taking a breath in its stunted and dry flowers, once so brightly colored, and the green of the leaves were now dark and sad. In these dried flowers of winter colors, there were buds. With a spoon, you dipped into the tea leaves, taking only a small amount, and putting it in the teapot.

Warm hands slid over your stomach. 

“Aren’t you cold?” said his sleepy voice. 

Against your skin, ten fingers were now burning, his skin so warm, and you sighed with ease. From the wood-burning stove, the kettle whistled. 

In turn, you let your hands explore his forearms. He started nibbling your shoulder. Tenderly - the base of your neck, and then the nape. You felt his teeth slightly sink into your skin.

"Didn't mean to wake you up," you chuckled as you turned in his arm to face him. 

The moment your eyes met, he unleashed the most devastating smile.

He was beautiful, his flaxen hair tousled from the night, eyes shining with that confidence he would always wear so well. His chest was bare, and his arms all around you. 

The thought that he would regret what happened the night before had crossed your mind at some point, but he didn't seem to feel remotely guilty. 

"I made some tea," you said again, staring into the blue of his eyes. Behind his glasses, they were heavy-lidded, still puffy from the lack of sleep. They were sharp, focused. Wrinkled from a smile, taking the shape of pure delight on his face. Every look, every caress of the pad of his fingers, on the edge to make you lose your mind all over again.

"Thank you, angel," and his eyes went down to your lips.

His arms tightened against you, and in a sighing breath, he whispered, "You're so cold…"

“I’m fine…” you said, and it was nothing but a whisper. His eyes went back to your face. 

“Are you sure?”

Reaching out to his face, your hands cupped his cheeks. He let himself go, his face slightly huddling against your palms. 

“Yes,” you whispered. “I’m fine.”

His lashes were long behind his glasses, eyes closed, savoring this moment. His eyes remained closed as he took a deep breath in. 

Yet, he said nothing. 

"Let's drink this tea before it gets cold," you finally said, and his eyes opened. He nodded.

And the tea was poured. It abundantly flowed in the old, chipped cups, letting out its sweet and fruity aroma, while the steam drew delicate arabesques into the air. 

Ephemeral vapor, so fragile - and you remembered thinking;

"I wish I had lived this life."

Forever, in this old isolated house. Dancing in his arms while the rain was drenching the outside world. Having his hands skim over you as your body trembled with pain and pleasure, for eternity. Having him.

You remembered saying to yourself;

"Long may it last."

As long as life would allow you to. 

“I hope that time will let me keep him a little longer.”

How you would have liked to stay with him, to dress his wounds. Those that you could not see, which nevertheless, there, under his skin, still burned him with a great ardor. Those that, so deeply, had killed him, slowly. How you would have loved to watch him grow old and grow old with him. And perhaps your skin, under the influence of the curse of the Surface, would have wrinkled with the rhythm of years passing by, entangling the minutes and the hours with this love so tender that consumed you. As if the opportunity to die with him offered a new perspective to your life. A meaning, eventually.

Silently, in this very moment, you made a decision. Because that was your choice to make. It was the path you chose. Beyond the expectation and the duties imposed on you, a long time ago. Far from the waiting and the eternity. It was your choice. Entirely yours.

You would have loved, loved it. So much.

But the tea was poured, for the last time.

There was so much of it that it spilled out of the cups, dripping onto the floor. 

Zeke burned his tongue as he took the first sip. 

The hot liquid overflowed a little more. The cup slipped from his hands.

And then there, those last moments of innocence, they could have been frozen in eternity. And the cup, as if suspended mid-air, was about to hit the cold ground. 

What was heard instead was a shrill scream in the distance.

It lasted a split second. Zeke's face snapped; his head already turned towards the scream. Slipping through your fingers. The light in his eyes, suddenly dull.

He tore himself away from you. 

And the cup shattered on the floor.

You barely had the time to recognize Colt's voice that, Zeke was already running through the door. And before your legs could even begin to run after him, another sound ripped the air. 

Something you’d never heard before. Nothing like thunder. Louder. Closer - a deafening sound. Dry. Deadly. 

It resounded, with indescribable violence. Shattering all balance in this world. Your whole body jolted, hands tights against your ears, in an unconscious protective movement

Then came silence. A few seconds of it. Enough to breathe again.

And in its horrible hissing, you finally heard a burst of voices - Colt's again. He was calling Zeke.  He sounded terrorized. He was probably crying - out of breath.

A voice echoed. 

A hoarse voice, falsely delicate. 

You heard Zeke say, 'Get inside, son’ and the sound of footsteps in the gravel outside. But the voice said to stay still. The footsteps stopped immediately.

It said, "Don't move."

It said, "Or I'll shoot you."

And you were there, standing still in the kitchen, unable to move, feet wet from the burning water on the floor. You let your body take a step towards the window.

Behind the small panes, someone was standing in the garden. They were tall, far too tall. Menacing, with their arm stretched out. Behind them, other figures in the distance. They were not moving either, immobile. Among them, torches were burning. 

Horror struck you at the sight of all these people - walking on this haven of peace. Those who were never supposed to see you, those who had once spilled the blood of the Goddess in Her own halls.

But through the opaque panes, you could only see her. The dark blond hair running alongside her face. It was the darkness of her clothes that drew your attention to the shiny object in her hand. 

Witnessing the horror unfolding before your eyes, you realized the origin of the detonation. 

In your mouth, the terrible taste of the arrow that had pierced your throat. The memories of the pain, the blood. So much blood. Only this time you imagined the wound to be deadlier, a pain that matched the horrible smell of gunpowder and fire that overwhelmed your senses. 

Like pieces of a puzzle falling into place, the worst things went through your mind. Colt and the blood beating feverishly in his body. The life in his fragile body. Was he hurt? Had she used the weapon on him, in his back, as he ran, calling for Zeke with all his lungs? Was he alive? 

Violently boiling in your veins, all you could see, all you could imagine was blood. You straightened up abruptly. The woman's face suddenly turned towards the window. Towards you. 

Before you could make a move, Zeke's voice echoed again from outside. 

"Put the gun down. If you want to talk, talk to me."

"I've been trying to talk to you for weeks, Father," the woman said. "Only you're not listening." 

"Put the gun down, Yelena."

Her face turned back to Zeke's voice.

"Goddess, no! Have no fear, Father Zeke! I could never use it against you!"

"I don't care if you want to use it or not. Drop the damn gun. Now."

"Father, it's all for you that-..."

Then, you heard Colt’s voice - he was alive, thank the Goddess, he was alive - 

"Father-"

"Get your ass inside, Colt. Right now."

Her voice, again; 

“The boy doesn't move.”

“Let him get inside the house.”

“No.”

“He’s just a boy.” 

“I’m afraid you’re wrong."

“How am I wrong? He’s fucking seventeen!”

"He's not what you think he is."

“Who is he then? Just talk to me, for Ymir’s sake!”

No words were spoken, for a moment. Only silence, a question left unresolved.

Yet there was no hint of doubt in her voice as she eventually spoke.

Your heart fell into your chest. 

"He is a servant of Evil."

He was not. He was not.

This violence - the lies, the weapons. It couldn't be true, it wasn’t true. It wasn’t a nightmare.

And all you heard was Zeke. It was him. You were sure of it. It was him - but his voice had lost all gentleness. All the sweet inflections were gone. All you heard in the timber of his voice was pure anger.

“What the fuck are you on about?”

“I know Father. I know. But it’s all right now, we’re here for you. I came for you. I’ll deliver you.”

“Let’s do that then. Fucking deliver me.” It was no plea. It was him. “Just let him get inside the house first.”

"What for? So he can warn the Tempter?"

The Tempter

So they knew there was someone in this house. They came to kill you. They were going to.

“If he gets inside the house, it shall burn with the two of them inside.”

Her face turned again, slowly, towards the opaque window. It was dark inside the house. She couldn't see you. 

“What are you-...”

"You don't have to lie anymore, Father. I know what's going on. I know everything. All my doubts are now gone. I knew. I knew almost immediately. That something was off. Oh, Father, I am your most fervent servant, you know that. How could I not see that you disappeared as soon as your sacred duties in town were accomplished? How could I not have seen that you were bothered, lost in your thoughts during your sermons, each week shorter and shorter. You know how dearly I love you, Father Zeke. I love you. I would never tolerate anything happening to you. So I watched you, to understand what was going on. To help you. I followed you."

"You followed me."

"Most nights. When everything was dark, except for the lights inside the house. That’s when I’d see it the most clearly. It was just its shadows at first, and I thought it was just my mind playing tricks on me. I thought it was just you, or the kids, always under your feet. But there was something else, I was sure of it. And I saw it, as clearly as I’m seeing you right now. A thing. Shapeless and deformed. There was something that followed you inside that house. Passing you by, never making you jump. It was as if I was the only one seeing it. I tried to tell you. I tried to warn you. But you never listened. You were always busy. Rushing. Lost in your thoughts. You were not yourself, I could see it, that there was something in your mind. Something coaxing you.”

Through gritted teeth, she added: "And you were never listening to me. So I decided to see for myself. I came here yesterday morning."

“Yesterday morning,” Zeke repeated. 

Yesterday morning. As you had left the house at the first light of day. Zeke was still asleep in the chair in his office. Colt, in the armchair by the extinguished fire.

"There's no one in this house, Yelena."

"There was no one there, indeed. But something was off. There was a presence. As if there used to be someone. I could tell by the size of the embers left in the fireplace. By the way blankets had been thrown on all the chairs, by the number of dishes in the sink. By the clothes left on the floor. By their deformed and torn shape. So I started searching. I knew that something had been there. I just had to find it.

I prayed to the Goddess all those nights. For Her to let me know the truth. To let me understand. And it came to me - standing to reason: the only place where a demon could hide, away from our eyes. Where it could grow and regenerate, feeding on our faith and our devotion. Some places we used to worship. Somewhere remote. Somewhere only you know.

I thought I remembered the way to the Old Chapel. But the clearing is much deeper in the forest than I remembered. The paths once used by our fathers are all gone now, devoured by roots and creepers. The trees are so high, blocking out the daylight and it was so dark, so cold. What monster wouldn't make a den out of this.

And finally, after what felt like hours in the mist, right before my eyes - it appeared. I couldn’t believe it when I first saw it. That it was real. That I was right!

Wandering around the clearing like a lost bird. That was it - the thing that defiled your house. With its deformed shape. Trying in vain to look human. And I remembered thinking ‘What an outrage to the Goddess’. A terrible thing that we, sinners, should never have to see - withered wings, a being perhaps once divine creature, that is no longer one now that it has been repudiated from the floors of Paradis. 

"That's n-"

"Father, things happen for a reason. Its presence here is none other than a punishment. This thing is not a wounded bird. It is a punishment. A test for you. And for me. And I did not feel fear. Well, the truth is, on the contrary, I was relieved. That I was right all along. That I had found the solution. And I knew that I had to make things right. Back to how they were. I had to fix it. When I saw it, at the Chapel Father, I knew I had to kill it. For you. 

And so today, we are bringing the fire to you. We’ve come to save you, Father. To purge this house of the evil that has nestled in it.

It’s all happening faster that I intended to; Grice was spying on us as we were talking about how to… take care of this. He ran away before I could stop him. And he ran exactly where I expected him to. Back to the darkness. Like a rogue dog to its master. But don't worry - we will burn it all down. We will purge this place from the darkness. And I am going to fix this. 

Starting with this.”

Her silhouette abruptly changes position. Arm still outstretched. Turning around toward the window. Fire shot out of her hand. 

It was even louder this time, firing in your eyes. The air shattered, a deafening sound. The glass of the window exploded into a thousand pieces before your face.

You barely had time to bend down.

You didn't scream. You couldn't make a noise.

When your eyes flew open, someone was rushing inside the house. You knew it was Colt, but you wouldn’t have recognized him. His usual gentle face was now covered with terror. 

Outside, the world was screaming. 

You watched as he ran towards you, as if slowed down by time. As if gravity had changed. His eyes wide with dread, cheeks red and wet from the tears rolling across his face. His feet crushed the broken glass in the water. He was running towards you, for what seemed hours.

A hand stretched out in front of him, to come and get you, and outside, there was death. There was the fire of the torches and the murderous weapons. 

Outside, Zeke. Alone.

He grabbed your arm. And time went back on.

He screamed something, and abruptly pulled you from the floor. Before you could stand up, your knees scraped against the sharp pieces of glasses. You pushed on your legs, and started to run. 

Colt spoke, yelled something, but words died within the chaos. The only thing anchoring you in the reality of the moment was the cold skin of his hand in yours. There was another one. Another detonation, tearing the uproar of the world, but you already had crossed the room and its large fireplace, jostling the two mismatched armchairs. Colt kicked the small backdoor, onto the backyard.

And Zeke was alone. Outside in this hell. 

Out of reach.

In a vain hope, you looked back.

But all you saw was the darkness of her eyes, fixed on you. That silhouette of her, too slender, her legs too big. Behind you, already. There, a few meters away, in that room, pervaded by her deadly aura, by the death in her eyes. Staining those safe floors, thriving on fear, and her eyes, without any light. Fixed, transfixed aiming at one thing. You.

There was no turning back. There was no choice to be made. There never was.

Colt was tightly holding your hand.

Colt shouted ‘run’

And so you ran.

There had been no destination when you had first run through those woods. You had run for your life, or yet you had thought so. Feet thumping hard against the soil of the Surface, a bandage too tight around your throat, breath taken, voice lost. You had fallen and ran again, away, away from the wrong enemy. This time, if they were to catch you, they were going to kill you.

So you ran. As fast as you could.

Colt was holding your hand, and you were holding his. Behind you, people were shouting. Behind you, there was fire.

And the ground was beating hard with each footstep, with each breath, the world on the verge of rumbling right into the chaos, and somewhere, Zeke was all alone. 

Zeke was all alone facing those people. People that he knew, people that he saw every day, people that trusted his words, just like you did. 

Was it your curse, to watch everything go up in fire? Turning into ashes?

Death and destruction, all because of you.

What if I had fallen in the middle of the ocean and my body had sunk slowly to the bottomless abyss.

“Don’t stop!”

Colt’s arm was stretched, pulling you as he kept on running. 

Colt. Sweetest child. Colt and his timid smiles, and his stories and his blushing cheeks. Colt and his secrets, and his little brother he was so proud of. Colt and his training, and the light in his eyes whenever he was looking at Zeke. Colt and the warmth of his hands, and the sharp truth of his words. And his life had been made into a living hell, poor mortal eyes seeing things he should have never seen. 

He had gone through those woods as well. Running. Calling for Zeke after walking in his house, the floor covered in your blood. His once innocent childhood, stolen away.

He had run for Zeke, scared that something had happened, probably thinking of the fragility of his own life. This time, he was running for you. And he kept on pulling you, even when you stumbled. He never let go of your hand. 

Finally, the edge of the forest appeared from the dense foliage of the woods. Soon, you would reach the clearing, where the two of you would be exposed - easy to aim at and to take down. With nowhere to hide. Soon. 

And then what?

Followed almost immediately by yours, Colt’s feet were the first ones to beat the tall grass of the clearing. Here was the great blinding light of the sky, the cold sun of autumn warming up the skins. And at its heart, proudly standing for millennia, was the Temple. Its foundations still holding the walls steady, its colonnades filled with stone. The songs and the prayers that once resounded there, long forgotten by the Goddess.

You imagined that this was Colt’s plan, to run there, hide inside the Temple, and wait. But the truth was, he was just a boy hoping for a miracle. Because you knew that no one would ever come. You knew it had been forgotten for too long. You understood that you were running straight into a deathtrap.

And with each footstep, you were being more and more defenseless. With each footstep, you were turning into an easier prey. With each footstep, you were condemning yourselves. 

There was nothing but the beating in your ears. Nothing but the footsteps, the same rhythm, and the same race, again and again and again.

In your back, unstrapped wings were fluttering in the wind. If you would have been sure that you once really knew how to fly, you would have opened them wide. You would have let the autumn wind rush into them and set off. But no one ever taught you how to fly.

If you ever had a semblance of power, if there had been anything you could have done, you would have buried the world right there, under your feet. You would have soared up towards the sky, Colt within your arms, flying away from them, and from their decrepit beliefs. You would have done it. You would have opened the earth, and plunged the forest behind you into the Underworld.

A detonation ripped the morning light. Birds flew away from the trees.

The smell of sulfur, the smell of war all around you. 

You knew she was there, behind you, feet in rhyme with yours. She must have been aiming at you, trying to take you down with a shot...

But you were almost there, so close to discern the cracks in the walls. So close that your feet were already crushing the shattered stained glass in the grass. Colt slowed down. His hand slowly loosened.

You glanced back towards him. 

His cheeks were wet, his mouth so pale. 

"Co-..."

His hand slipped from yours.

And he fell to the ground.

You flung yourself on him. Quickly, grabbing him under his shoulders, trying to lift him up. But his body was heavy, too heavy, drained of energy.

"Run..." he said. And his skin was too pale, too pale. 

"No, no, no Colt, I'm not-"

"You’re almost there...”

His voice was too weak. His body, too heavy.

That was when you saw her. On the edge of the woods. She had stopped to take a shot, her stance still. 

“I won’t-...”

“I’ll catch up with you later. Please, just go.”

And in the distance the sound of footsteps. She was on the move again, running towards you. And it was as if the earth was shaking with each of her steps. 

"Now, you go," he said.

He lifted one of his hands, to remove yours from his body and your hands were so warm against him. Sticky.

Palms towards your face. The morbid colors of life.

Stained. Stained, stained, stained, stained. 

Stained with his blood. Stained, this infernal place. Always stained with blood.

You may have screamed. In the quiet of what had been done, you may have screamed. But no words formed on your lips, no sound, except a jerky growl. Except for the anguish, growing, tearing everything in you. 

Colt on the ground. His eyes were so fatigued. 

He may have been talking. He may have been crying.

But already, all around his body, his life, flowing onto the clearing ground.

You said something, again, you said something. You heard someone promise him, you heard yourself swear. That everything would be okay. That you would fix it. As if there was anything to fix in this world. What was there to fix when everything was already broken. When nothing made sense anymore. When you would have to erase everything to start over.

And it wasn't just a nightmare. That body, these tears. It was Colt, bleeding to death. It was life slipping away from him, unfairly. 

He who had so much to say, so much to do. He who had so much life and love.

Alone, in the clearing, while footsteps were getting closer. 

She was almost there. In your back, your wings jostled in the wind.

"I’m begging you. Run."

“I’m not leaving you here. Colt, I’m not leaving you here.”

But your voice came out punctuated by violent shaking. Your face twiste; your vision blurred.

Not by himself. Not like this. 

"Don't look back," he whispered, "do it-..."

Nearby, voices rose from behind the trees. Her steps became slower, spacing out.

"... -For me."

Standing before you, the woman. And Colt’s head fell heavily onto your lap.

Her pitch black eyes were on you. Emotionless face. With both of her hands, arms lowered, she was holding the gun. 

She was looking at the two of you. From him, to you.

Colt, then you.

The lifeless body, and then you. 

On her face, a shadow passed.

She immediately aimed at you, regaining her composure. Her body was tense. Yet, she didn’t shoot. 

“So this is you,” she said, slowly..

Colt was heavy against you, and everything you touched was sticky and warm, while her hands were immaculate against the bright gun. And you were ready. Ready for the fire. You were ready for her to shoot, whenever she wanted to. 

“I understand better now,” she said.

Unconsciously, your fingers skimmed back and forth against the coldest skin, the roundness of a cheek, ever so carefully. Not to break him. Not to disturb the peace. The tips of your fingers were frozen. 

“The Evil One really knows how to create temptation,” she said under her breath. She smiled at her own words. She smiled at you, she smiled at the body in your arms. 

Something was gradually building inside of you. You felt it, something dark. It grew within you at the exact moment she had started to smile. 

Over the treetops, a thick black smoke was rising into the yellow morning, like a dark column rushing to the sky. You could almost see flames licking the horizon. It could only be one thing. And with the smoke going up and up in the sky, the memories of the house. The books and creaking floors. The tea and the music. All of it, gone forever. Fragments of life and lives themselves - reaching for the sky.

So this was your curse. To watch everything go up in fire, turning the world into ashes. At this very moment, you came at peace with it. If they wanted to set everything on fire, you shall let it burn, them within the licks of fire.

Whenever she would move, you were going to kill her.

“I will kill you,” you whispered. 

Yet the words reverberated in the clearing, your voice, loud and clear as never before. As if this place had always been yours and the trees were yelling the words you said, all the way back to the ocean. It took no effort to say it. It was recited like a prayer in the night, like a promise. It was delivered with a power, kept silent for too long.

And under the weight of the words, you felt your wings flutter wide behind your back. You felt every single muscle in your body flare up with a deadly fire. With power, ignited at last.

With the tips of your fingers, you carefully closed Colt's eyes. His soft, gentle eyes. Their warm brown color, gone. And when your fingers left his cold skin, they were burning feverishly. They were burning so hot, that the blood on your hands started to emanate oddly.

You looked up at her, and finally, you saw it. What you should have seen from the start. What they should all have felt when they first looked upon you. What you ought to inspire them.

Sheer terror.

This, right here. This was right. This was how it was supposed to be. Always. For Mankind was supposed to crawl and beg forgiveness for its wretched existence. They ought to be horrified and miserable. You were going to make her regret ever being born, only allowing her to beg all the skies and souls for you to end her fast.

Without a glance at the lifeless body on your lap, you laid it back on the ground. Without a shudder, you stood up. And as you did, your wings began to flutter in your back. Fast and hard - the movement smooth, a new strength waking up inside your body.  

In your back, you could feel the muscles pulling painfully, straining against you from the force of the beaten air. Like a drop of rain naturally sliding with gravity towards the ground, your body elevated slowly, up towards the sky, feet hovering above the ground. 

And what happened next was the most delightful thing - her face distorted with fright, the grin that was there a moment ago, long faded. It was exhilarating; the fear, but most of all, the realization. 

She stepped back in panic, her hair flying out of her face under the effect of the powerful air movements, and then back again, brandishing her weapon hopelessly. Her legs buckled - she fell backwards, dropping it somewhere on the ground. And all around you, once pristine feathers were fluttering into the wind.

You heard a distant scream, from the edge of the forest. It snatched your attention away from her. All you could think about was the dark fate unfolding before you, the ill thoughts flooding all senses. And yet, at the sound of his voice, that thing that had been building within you, snapped a little. Zeke was running fast, he was calling your name. His body was covered in blood and bruises, his face distorted by anguish, gentleness and trust lost forever. 

But behind him, suddenly emerging from the woods as well, dozens of people, torches and fire in their hands started to march on the clearing. And yet you knew that he was not running for his life. He was running for yours. Always for yours.

But there was nothing to be done. There was no other possible outcome. All of them were doomed. Nothing could ever fix chaos. As it was bound to happen, the best you could offer was to flow along with it. There was no hope. 

You watched as Zeke ran through the clearing, and you hated every second of it. You hated to see him run, towards a future made of destruction and death. You hated that he was still hopeful, despite the blood on his face, and the smoke in his lungs. You hated that he was still hoping to save your life. That he was hoping there still was life to save. You watched him run until his eyes fell upon the body lying under your feet. You watched him stumble and fall to the ground. Your heart clenched in your chest when you saw the look on his face - the shadows, the distress. His eyes going back and forth from the body laying at your feet, to you. His glasses were long gone, and tears were rolling down his cheeks. You watched as he stood up, and started running again.

There was no outcome. There was never a choice to make. There was nothing to fix. And you were going to-...

Something shone from underneath you. A glimpse, the reflection of the sun.

A deafening detonation. 

All you felt was the deathly pain. Everything pulled out of place, vibration in your bones, your face getting torn apart. The echo of a bullet ringing inside of you. Only the taste of sulfur and blood in your mouth.

You didn’t feel the moment your balance broke. You didn’t feel your body abruptly flinching in recoil, nor when your back hit the hard floor. 

Only the raw feeling of exposed life, a Child of Ymir brought to their knees by Mankind’s weapons. The loss. Defeated, at long last.

Everything was red. Sensations gone, moving was agony. Silence was ringing hard, the world swaying. The smell of fire, the taste of metal. Body not responding. Muscles atrophied. 

Eyes opened. The left one remained in the dark. And your face was devouring itself from the pain.

And it hurt, hurt so bad - it was worse than anything before. It was worse than the fall, worse than the arrow. 

Each breath was death ignited on your face. And from there, all you could see was the sky turning black, the dark column of smoke elevating, already so high, hiding away the sun. You couldn’t hear a thing, only the ringing in your ears and chaos in your mind.

The world went dark. 

Silent, at peace - finally.

The sound of the wind through the branches. A few notes played on a piano. You thought 

This is it.

A sound. A sound that was not the sound of gunfire. That was not a scream of despair. A sound that had nothing horrifying. A familiar voice. It was your name.

Someone was calling your name. 

Only no one in these lands could have imitated its distinctive sound. Not in this way. There were only a few people who called you like that. Only one voice calling you with this intonation.

A familiar language that you had once dreamed of hearing on these lands. A voice that had resounded thousands of times on opaline surfaces and in too pristine halls. Now it echoed beyond the treetops, throughout the entire sky. It was calling you. That voice, so warm, so far away. Silver gleams already shining everywhere.

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