#you're not even my real dad

[daytaker]

Hopefully this doesn't come off as a weird request. But can you do headcannons of reader looking up to Solomon as a father figure, then Solomons just a terrible influence for them. Thanks if you do this.

I won't lie, this is a kind of weird request, but that's alright! We can do weird. For the sake of my own comfort, I'm going to say ahead of time that the relationship between Solomon and the reader is purely platonic.

Hey, it's me again, three hours in the future relative to the above paragraph. I did my best, though I'm struggling to portray Solomon as an actual father figure. But these are some disjointed thoughts about you, Reader, and your somewhat toxic mentor-pupil relationship with your fellow human, Solomon the Sorcerer. (Fair warning, it gets a little silly at the end.)

CW: Manipulative Reader/MC, Bullying the Brothers

-------------

Wow, the greatest sorcerer to ever live? You didn't even know sorcerers were a thing outside books and movies before you got here. Not only that, this guy is functionally immortal? You could probably learn a thing or two from him.

When you unexpectedly arrive in the Devildom for the RAD exchange program, you're more than a little uneasy about the number of jokes people have been making about eating you. (Those were jokes, right?)

So when you meet a friendly human face on your first day of classes, you're relieved. How is this guy so calm in this situation? Isn't he an exchange student too? Isn't he at least a little bit confused about the world? Will sticking to him like glue keep you from dying by demon?

Answers in order: He's been doing this for thousands of years, yes, no, and probably.

Solomon is aware of your dependence on him, and he quickly grows fond of you too, albeit in the way you might become fond of the local stray cat. You're friendly and easy to manipulate and best of all, you're a human. Solomon hasn't had any actual humans to interact with in years.

And who better to recruit to the cause of the betterment of humankind in the eyes of the other two realms than a fellow human? Someone with a stake in the underdog team?

He encourages your attempts to make pacts with the brothers. What could be more useful than a binding agreement to do whatever you tell them to, anyway? Soon enough, you have five pacts under your belt. It was surprisingly easy to get them to agree to sign their autonomy over.

"Don't you find it interesting that you're the only member of the exchange program who didn't know such a program existed until you were dragged here? I mean, there's no delegation in our world that manages relationships with the Devildom or the Celestial Realm. Both of those places just do as they please with the human world, only kept in check by each other."

He's making a good point. Why are humans so disrespected? Hell, those brothers view you as so unintimidating that they agreed to pacts with you more or less on the fly, just because. Is it just because you don't live as long?

"Hey, can you come over after classes? I need your help with something."

You become Solomon's willing guinea pig, and the brothers soon become guinea pigs by proxy. Solomon teaches you how to summon them, how to command them, and how to make sure they don't say a word to their oldest brother about it.

"I find it interesting that humans are so much more dynamic and inventive than demons or angels. I'm of the opinion that it's because the natural human lifespan is so short, relatively speaking, that it encourages people to be more ambitious. If we had eternity to solve our problems, would we even bother trying?"

Thank goodness for Solomon. If he wasn't here to impart these teachings on you, you might have ended up becoming emotionally entangled with those demons instead; demons who thought of you as a novelty and an easy target.

Lucifer stops you on your way to your room at the House of Lamentation.

"I think we need to have a talk about my brothers. Why are they afraid of you?"

To which you storm past him, flip him the bird, stick your tongue out, and snap, "None of your business! Get out of my life!" The door SLAMS shut, and you shout through it: "YOU'RE NOT EVEN MY REAL DAD."

And so, without even meaning to do it, Solomon has gone from an ally to a guide to a mentor to the person who transformed you into a demon-disrespecting teenager.

#ask response #dthc #anon ask #solomon #obey me #obey me solomon #obey me mc #lucifer #obey me lucifer #you're not even my real dad #i'm so sorry anon #hcs #solomon thoughts

[darkhand]

"Your mother is right my dear, you should bathe more often!"

#YOU'RE NOT EVEN MY REAL DAD

[skyloftian-nutcase]

I'm looking at the Zora May prompts and wanna write stuff, and now my brain's just giggling with ideas LOL like--

Imagine, after Age of Calamity, that Link and Mipha get together. That has its whole set of fun and drama - a Hylian/Zora marriage would mean a lot anyway, but particularly when it's the Zora princess and the Hero of Hyrule. Link and Mipha start to have a family, Zelda is settling into being queen, and they all have their own set of stressors and joys and the three are still besties and it would be just so funny to see y'all. Like... Link takes his oath as a knight seriously, so he still assists Hyrule often, and just this scenario in my head came and--

Zelda, sighing: I hardly slept last night. I was up late researching the latest Zonai discoveries and almost forgot I had a meeting with the Rito delegation this morning. I'm so tired.

Link, hair a mess, on his third cup of coffee after dealing with one of his kids having a meltdown while the other kept everyone up crying all night, dealing with Mipha also trying to do royal duties, having just teleported over here via Sheikah towers: .....That sounds rough.

#give me some domestic hilarity and stress and fluff dang it #Zelda has every right to be exhausted too but this image in my head was too funny not to share #I don't know how parents do it I'm barely alive most days LOL #if I had a husband and kids to worry about too I'd probably have a permanent IV for caffeine injections #all my lovelies who are parents: God bless you XD #age of calamity #oh and then totk happens and Link almost loses his ever loving mind LOL #imagine Link as a dad in totk HAHA #Link dealing with Ganondorf while his four-year-old destroys Dorf emotionally #Ganondorf: Behold a king's revival! #Link's kid: You're not even NEARLY as big as Grandpa and he's a REAL king and your hair's ugly #miphlink #poor Zelda had to become queen after the Calamity since she came of age #she and Link exchange letters on the regular when he isn't doing assignments for her and actually gets a few days to chill in the Domain #Mipha has to often visit to help Zelda with her anxieties #I think they'd be a fun dynamic ok

[punkeropercyjackson]

"We need more redemption arcs that're about found family instead of romance!!!"You guys couldn't even handle Prince Zuko

#Z/KS WHEN I GET YOU.WHEN I FUCKING *GET* YOU YOU DID THIS TO ZUKO *ONLY* YOU DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO PIN IT ON ANYBODY ELSE #'aang and dadko' was literally revolutionary and you threw it all away to gentrify a native punk girl who's ALSO a revolutionary IN-UNIVERSE #y'all are NOT katara you literally worship the fire nation and hate the water tribe you failed step fucking ONE.your heritage isn't 'sagave' #UNpack that shit THAT'S a zuko style redemption arc not oohhh my dad didn't love me so i became a f*scist pls kiss me pretty peasent girl :( #aang didn't do jackshit you're just a child hating orientalist i bet you picked on autistic/black/queer kids passive aggressively in school #GROW.UP!!!!!YOU HATE AANG FOR CHASING AFTER A CHILDHOOD CRUSH WHEN YOURS WASN'T EVEN *REAL* AND YOU'RE ABUSIVE TO IRL PEOPLE OVER IT #losers!!!!traitors!!!!patriachy ass kissers!!!!!!! #zuko #pro zuko #dadko #aang and zuko #aang #aanglove #trans zuko #autistic zuko #genderfluid aang #audhd aang #paatel punk aang #anti zutara #anti momtara #atla geekery #amatonormativity #ableism #💌 #summerposting

[hayaku14]

kuroba toichi you need to stay dead or im going to fucking kill you myself

#you sick son of a bitch #if you truly love your son you wouldnt be alive #it's bad enough that you basically left the mantle for your teenage son to take up but you actually being alive???????? #you just out there living your life while your son is destroying his relationships chasing after something that you started???????? #his very motivation is your death and it's not even real??? the utter fucking betrayal??? #and maybe being kid has kade him a better magician and has helped him find out more about himself #but he shouldve been able to have a choice if he even wanted to be kid at all it shouldnt have been a responsibility pushed upon him #AND IF YOU ARE FUCKING ALIVE AND YOU'RE JUST WATCHING YOUR SON RUNNING AWAY FROM THE POLICE WITH PRIDE INSTEAD OF GUILT YHEN YOU CAN #GO FUCK YOURSELF #Honestly the worst #also that theory that maybe chikage is travelling the world because she KNOWS toichi is alive and she's with her elevates this fuckery into #a whole different level #anyway go read cuethesun's tomorrow and the next day #good fucking food and bad parent chikage and toichi enjoyers will be pleased ;> #lol #dc prattles #as much as i want happy everybody is alive kuroba family #i need touichi and chikage if she knows too to feel the repercussions of their horrible parenting and i need kaito to be able to let himself #feel the hurt and betrayal that he is justified to feel even if he is happy that his dad is alive #but i dont trust gosho to handle that nicely if anything i think hes gonna just handwave it and wont address it properly #anyway my point is i just need more hurt and angry kaito also if shinichi is there im happy #sorry i sneaked in a kaishin i cant stop the brainrot unfortunately theres no cure 🤚😔 #ALSO DONT GET ME STARTED WITH BAD PARENT KUDOS OOOOOHHHH

[databent]

why the fuck is it that some people cant seem to acknowledge that people can just... be disabled. not through any fault of their own, not because something "happened" to them, just because, you know, sometimes people have disabilities. like, come on

#.pdf #rd #kd #just a warning these tags are long. like. really incredibly long. i had thoughts. #sorry for the vague ass post i'm just upset about some stupid shit my dad said yesterday. #namely: outright telling me that he doesn't believe i have non-24 (circadian rhythm disorder). #and that even if i do he doesn't believe it's possible for it to actually be a lifelong and disabling condition. #*also: this post isn't meant to imply that disabilities that did have some inciting incident are more accepted or anything. #it's just that i'm frustrated with the “you're disabled? why? what happened?” sentiment a lot of people seem to have. #nothing happened to cause my disability. i'm just like this. no i can't change it. what the fuck do you want me to tell you? #i'd guess it probably has to do with society's focus on work and productivity and career-mindedness above all else. #and when someone comes along that doesn't fit in with the way things are structured it just doesn't compute. #because the idea of people who can't dedicate their entire lives to working is so fundamentally contradictory to their view of... i don't- #-know. meaning in life? fulfillment? that they feel a need to reject the possibility altogether. #this is mainly when dealing with invisible disabilities from what i've seen. because i think there's a tendency to view visibly disabled- #-people as belonging to a different category altogether. which of course is its own issue but i'm not visibly disabled so i don't feel- #-like it's necessarily my place to speak on that. #anyway. i just want my struggles to be acknowledged as real. because they are. and i need people to understand that I Have A Disability. #albeit one many people don't even believe could be real because there's a sort of belief that circadian rhythms are purely a product of- #-external forces like sunlight so “you can't possibly have yours be different and have you tried just going outside more?” sigh. #sorry i also just remembered my dad telling me he doesn't believe i can have something so rare because the chances of having it are too low. #which is some ridiculous logic to me. rare doesn't mean it's impossible. some amount of people have to wind up with it regardless. #i just lucked out i guess. #n24 tag

[hella1975]

i used to have such a romanticised idea of nottingham like my dad used to go there to work back when he was in his 'not see my family for six days of the week' grind and id be DEAD CERTAIN in my child's mind that he was like. hanging out with robin hood and shit like i genuinely just assumed nottingham was still all fields and castles. and now im like oh. yeah no that's notts. yeah someone tested the floor of one of the clubs there and it came back positive for chlamydia. yeah

#like robin hood is one of my mum's fave folktales for some reason like she's watched every single movie adaptation #particularly that one with alan rickman #so growing up i think i assumed nottingham like. wasn't real? like it was part of the myth? #and when my dad very casually was like 'yeah im going to nottingham' i was like YOU FUCKING WHAT?!?!?! #the fact i still remember that single conversation rn so viscerally is a testament to how baffled i was bc i was like. six #AND NOW MY UNI CITY IS NEXT DOOR AND NOTTS IS THE BEST NIGHT OUT IN THE UK #SO A LOT OF MY MATES GO QUITE REGULARLY (IVE ACTUALLY STILL NEVER BEEN BUT WEVE BEEN MEANING TO) #AND THE STORIES I HAVE HEARD JESUS CHRIST 😭😭😭 SQUALOR I TELL YOU #sorry to anyone from notts reading this my flatmate from last year was from notts and he's actually a decent guy even if he's ginger #im sure you're lovely people #hella goes to uni

[swallowtail-ageha]

Sara I am Tamara's father. If you mention my daughters name again this blog I am going to go to the police and report you for defamation.

HQHSHSGQFUDJWBTHAJQBDBAJWI,×EHFIQJSI

STILL LIVING IN YOUR HEAD RENT FREE HUH?

Get a fucking job e fammi nu bucchino mongoloide

#my no 1 fan ❤❤❤❤ #congrats for ur fedez cosplay ❤️❤️❤️❤️ #jokes aside do. do you genuinely think that i'm gonna believe that a 50+ yo man is not only on tumblr but also religiously watches my blog #come on. not everyone is as stupid as you yknow. this is 'my dad works at CIA“ levels of threats lmfao #plus even if it was real bold of you to assume i'd actually be scared of a grown ass woman sending her father on me instead of suing me #herself #also. since your dad knows me by my name?? shouldn't he also know i'm italian?? so why didn't he write in italian??? #jee you're pathetic

[rabnerd28]

The "Clark is Kon's dad" group has the same vibes as the pro-life group. Let's force parenthood on people.

A part of me is tempted to respond to this, another part of me finds it so funny that I've gotten more anon hate this week then I've ever gotten in my life on this site (aside from that week AOT fans hated me but that was for different website reasons). And it was only twice, for two separate fandoms. Both of which compared me to IRL conservatives because I *checks notes* dislike the 2019 Cats movie and want one universe where Kon is considered Clark's son.

#me: wants a fictional character to be considered another characters dad #weirdos: you're basically supporting the government trying to force people who don't want to be pregnant to be pregnant #also there's real life situations where people find out they have kids after they're already teens #which is basically how i view the whole kon and clark situation #people can disagree and i don't really care #if you hate my opinion on it then block me #also why does lex get to be considered his dad but clark doesn't #explain people #explain #what do you mean it's arkas-AW #also i don't even need it in the main timeline #ill settle for an elseworlds

[magentagalaxies]

thanks mother

#context: yes this is a real text from my mom #this was regarding a comedy monologue i wrote that referenced a drug popular in the 70s/80s #and the current placeholder was ''cocaine'' but like it didn't quite work for the joke i was going for #and my mom was like oh quaaludes is era appropriate and fits more with the vibe you're trying to give #but she deliberately tried to phrase it as suspiciously as possible lmao i love my mom #also as part of this same conversation i asked my mom if she knew what poppers are and she was like ''...yes?'' #my mom is such a sweet small-town librarian so hearing her make a joke related to drugs or gay sex is always so jarring #and that makes it even funnier #if you met my parents you'd probably think my dad's where i get my sense of humor from bc he's more extroverted/always doing a bit #and i appreciate that too #but i love how my mom is generally the more ''grounded'' of my parents #and yet sometimes she goes for a joke even i wouldn't make in front of her lmaooo

[tanicus-caesareth]

guarana drama, damage control

[shimenchus]

biracials stop saying the n word challenge

#controversial opinions at 8am? #i just think #just because you have black ancestors doesn't make the nb blood leave your body #same way your nb parent can't say the n word you're 50% of them you can't say it either girl #like i'm dark skin and nobody ever believes i'm half chinese until they see my dad but still that word is still not for me #i don't want to say the word but even if i did my mom/mom's family would correct me REAL quick lol #i just don't get how comfortable some of you get saying it like the black blood overrode the nb blood and you're somehow 100% black #context is biracial TRAs calling me the n word during arguments and also biracial friends i have that say it allllll the time lol #when i bring it up to my biracial friends they're always like ''you can say it too you know....'' #like girl i have a whole ass chinese last name no the hell i cannot lmao

[t1erradelfuego]

web weaving or whatever

#last night my brain had two thoughts collide like atoms producing a nuclear fission in the form of THEE most insane trope to ME which is #pet psychopath and his even crazier handler -> brandt and luke respectively #watching brandt get at it with an OHL dad over the boards during the playoff like YEAHHH that's my dman with character issues #SO BEAUTIFUL. and the tsn video too. god. the one where he gets into a playfight but ends up spinning the dude around #the potential is THERE and i am cooking up SO many scenarios in my head i am actually going insane. #when you're the kid who used to beat up your brothers friends during street hockey and you were called a pitbull like CMONNNN #it's not that luke doesnt have character issues its just that it was trained out of him by ellen who would NEVER let that fly but unlike hi #lady byng finalist brother and his +2 penalty drawing brother luke has ZERO compulsions actually shithousing someone #and he's such a bitch about it too. he's more of a bitch than his two brothers combined. if penalties weren't a thing in real life #the clarke/hughes dpairing would be the most rat bastard shithousery penalty drawns tandem in the LEAGUE thats my inteprid take #and the thing about pet psychopath and his even crazier handler is it that the devotion goes CRAZYYYYYY #brandt going fucking insane and luke having to haul him off before he starts beating up the dude himself like NOBODY FUCKS WITH MY BABY!!! #even if my baby started it lol. if brandt's crazy luke is batshit insane and then brandt has to go haul luke off before he gets kicked out #someone tries to chirp brandt over him fighting for luke constantly and brandt is like :) you're fucking lucky it's not luke #because CRUCIALLY luke is the better fighter. again. his even crazier handler. always ready to answer for brandt's attitude #in the locker room brandt like good job baby that was so sexy of you to right hook him -> rest of the devs staring in horror #JUST SOMETHING ABOUT COMING TO BLOWS FOR YOUR MAN!!! LOOKING UP AT HIM WITH A SMILE FULL OF BLOOD LIKE DID I DO GOOD? DID I MAKE YOU PROUD? #AND THEM RESPONDING WITH 100% RECIPROCATION. OH IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT THE RECIPROCATION. #need them to be fucking bitches on the ice beating everyone up that would be so sexy to me!!! #the brandt/luke agenda #thinking. perhaps even thoughting. thunking.

[musical-chick-13]

.

#idk it's just really frustrating to think that people will ALWAYS make allowances for people they're romantically in love with but #not make those same allowances for someone else they otherwise care about. #that people will risk things for their partners that they wouldn't for their friends #that it's EXPECTED for you to prioritize your spouse/significant other/etc. at all times but prioritizing your friend(s) is rarely even #considered. and when you're like me and you LITERALLY CANNOT DO THIS SHIT BY YOURSELF... #like I know I go on and on about marrying some theoretical woman all the time (and my ongoing...whatever this is. with Musician Guy) #but genuinely I'm not even sure that I want that I think I just want someone who will fucking visit me in the hospital if I get into a car #crash or fix me soup when I'm sick. #like...yeah. in that one story I wrote I think I distilled it down: we all just want someone to hold us when we're sad #and it SUCKS that the only avenue we seem to be allowed to pursue that is through a romantic relationship #right now I have my dad but if something happens to him...I genuinely do not know what I'm going to do. I'll have nowhere to go #if something terrible happens. I'll have no one to help me be a person. and I just. like I really am going to just have to power through #the next 60 years on this fucking planet alone and by god I'll fucking do it but I wish I didn't have to!!!! #and I think this was why the loss of Her™ friendship (which was necessary. for both of us) was so acutely painful. because even after #she got married she WAS willing to prioritize me when things got bad enough. she DID genuinely care about me in a way I don't think #anyone ever has. and I just really don't think I'll ever find that ever again. and I can't go back and I don't WANT to be with her anymore #but it was this time of the year when she told me she was getting married way back when and my brain has kept that like the World's Worst #Anniversary and all of those terrible ugly feelings are coming back in full force and I HATE that I'm still unpacking this I. HATE. that #this not-even-relationship is STILL doing this to me #WHAT THE FUCK!!! IS UP WITH THAT!!!!!! #*sigh* okay for REAL I am logging off right now because I've already said Too Many Embarrassing Personal Things about myself today #and I do not want to put myself in a position to say anymore! #In the Vents #GOD this is so stupid IT'S NOT LIKE SOMEBODY DIED WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS

[links-hella-fine-booty]

Bringing Bliz over was the best choice ever. My family and I sat with him a lot yesterday. Although it's slightly humorous that I'm certain my dad is aware there is a dog in his house and he would not be pleased hehe.

He was never a dog lover. Or a cat lover. He didn't like pets. Bliz and Toast would have loved to bother him.

Hopefully he can see how much Bliz and Toast have brought joy into my life, and now my family's.

I miss you dad. Sorry I didn't tell you Bliz was around.

#healing is hard #it's only been one full day but it doesn't feel real #trying very hard to keep occupied and find things to enjoy #my dad would hate me moping over stuff even if it is over him #“oh would you stop it already Lauren? You can't solve things by being upset” #you're right dad but you know i need to feel through the emotions first

[todayisafridaynight]

still pissed at RGG for giving us a good dad in this series for once and then killing him i fucking. AND HE WAS GEORGE TAKEI.

#spoilers #y7 spoilers #snap chats #no one look at me ive accidentally been typing tekei instead of takei for a while but anyways #i just think masumi arakawa was a cool dude. goated even #should i make a dad tier list. do one of those exist or do i have to make it cause now i just want to rank RGG dads and father figures #where does sawashiro even go on that list. he put his baby in a locker frame one but also spent the next 37 some years trying to atone #cringe putting your baby in a locker that's hard to come back from ngl esp when that lead to the issues he has #not even just the physical issues obvi the mental issues were REAL cause of those first 23? years idfk when he got lung surgery point is #kiryu makes me think of my dad so i love him but also. You Can Do Better But I Also Understand Why You're Like This #im not thinking of every RGG dad rn point is i miss arakawa :( i miss george takei :( #is that why they casted takei they knew they couldnt afford for him to come back. Evil. #ok thats enough from me for tonight bye