#you should have so much more

[inkskinned]

the thing is that they're so fascinated by sex, they love sex, they can't imagine a world without sex - they need sex to sell things, they need sex to be part of their personality, they need sex to prove their power - but they hate sex. they are disgusted by it.

sex is the only thing that holds their attention, and it is also the thing that can never be discussed directly.

you can't tell a child the normal names for parts of their body, that's sexual in nature, because the body isn't a body, it's a vessel of sex. it doesn't matter that it's been proven in studies (over and over) that kids need to know the names of their genitals; that they internalize sexual shame at a very young age and know it's 'dirty' to have a body; that it overwhelmingly protects children for them to have the correct words to communicate with. what matters is that they're sexual organs. what matters is that it freaks them out to think about kids having body parts - which only exist in the context of sex.

it's gross to talk about a period or how to check for cancer in a testicle or breast. that is nasty, illicit. there will be no pain meds for harsh medical procedures, just because they feature a cervix.

but they will put out an ad of you scantily-clad. you will sell their cars for them, because you have abs, a body. you will drip sex. you will ooze it, like a goo. like you were put on this planet to secrete wealth into their open palms.

they will hit you with that same palm. it will be disgusting that you like leather or leashes, but they will put their movie characters in leather and latex. it will be wrong of you to want sexual freedom, but they will mark their success in the number of people they bed.

they will crow that it's inappropriate for children so there will be no lessons on how to properly apply a condom, even to teens. it's teaching them the wrong things. no lessons on the diversity of sexual organ growth, none on how to obtain consent properly, none on how to recognize when you feel unsafe in your body. if you are a teenager, you have probably already been sexualized at some point in your life. you will have seen someone also-your-age who is splashed across a tv screen or a magazine or married to someone three times your age. you will watch people pull their hair into pigtails so they look like you. so that they can be sexy because of youth. one of the most common pornography searches involves newly-18 young women. girls. the words "barely legal," a hiss of glass sand over your skin.

barely legal. there are bills in place that will not allow people to feel safe in their own bodies. there are people working so hard to punish any person for having sex in a way that isn't god-fearing and submissive. heteronormative. the sex has to be at their feet, on your knees, your eyes wet. when was the first time you saw another person crying in pornography and thought - okay but for real. she looks super unhappy. later, when you are unhappy, you will close your eyes and ignore the feeling and act the role you have been taught to keep playing. they will punish the sex workers, remove the places they can practice their trade safely. they will then make casual jokes about how they sexually harass their nanny.

and they love sex but they hate that you're having sex. you need to have their ornamental, perfunctory, dispassionate sex. so you can't kiss your girlfriend in the bible belt because it is gross to have sex with someone of the same gender. so you can't get your tubes tied in new england because you might change your mind. so you can't admit you were sexually assaulted because real men don't get hurt, you should be grateful. you cannot handle your own body, you cannot handle the risks involved, let other people decide that for you. you aren't ready yet.

but they need you to have sex because you need to have kids. at 15, you are old enough to parent. you are not old enough to hear the word fuck too many times on television.

they are horrified by sex and they never stop talking about it, thinking about it, making everything unnecessarily preverted. the saying - a thief thinks everyone steals. they stand up at their podiums and they look out at the crowd and they sign a bill into place that makes sexwork even more unsafe and they stand up and smile and sign a bill that makes gender-affirming care illegal and they get up and they shrug their shoulders and write don't say gay and they get up, and they make the world about sex, but this horrible, plastic vision of it that they have. this wretched, emotionless thing that holds so much weight it's staggering. they put their whole spine behind it and they push and they say it's normal!

this horrible world they live in. disgusted and also obsessed.

#this shifts gender so much bc it actually affects everyone #yes it's a gendered phenomenon. i have written a LOT about how different genders experience it. that's for a different post. #writeblr #ps my comments about seeing someone cry -- this is not to shame any person #and on this blog we support workers. #at the same time it's a really hard experience to see someone that looks like you. clearly in agony. and have them forced to keep going. #when you're young it doesn't necessarily look like acting. it looks scary. and that's what this is about - the fact that teens #have likely already been exposed to that definition of things. because the internet exists #and without the context of healthy education. THAT is the image burned into their minds about what it looks like. #it's also just one of those personal nuanced biases - #at 19 i thought it was normal to be in pain. to cry. to not-like-it. that it should be perfunctory. #it was what i had seen. #and it didn't help that my religious upbringing was like . 'yeah that's what you get for premarital. but also for the reference #we do think you should never actually enjoy it lol' #so like the point im making is that ppl get exposed to that stuff without the context of something more tender #and assume .... 'oh. so it's fine i am not enjoying myself'. and i know they do because I DID. #he was my first boyfriend. how was i supposed to know any different #i didn't even have the mental wherewithal to realize im a lesbian . like THAT used to suffering.

[machinerot]

#my art #you know he was being a little shit #harry du bois #kim kitsuragi #harrykim #disco elysium #disco elysium fanart #this is the first drawing ive managed to finish in over a year (we dont talk about the 3 million wips) #so thank you gay people for getting rid of my art block 🫶 i love you #i didnt use a reference though so apologies if the proportions look a bit wonky but GOD i had so much fun making this #ive missed Enjoying doing art. like actually enjoying the process and not just impatiently rushing for the finished piece #like maybe art IS fun.. #crazy. anyways #this sideblog is brand new so i doubt people will even see this but!! if you do then i should have some more DE art on the way :-)

[redysetdare]

enough stories about how someone learns to truely be happy through love. i want a story where someone is desperately seeking out love thinking it's the only way to be happy only for them to learn by the end that happiness is what they make of it and they don't need love at all to make it.

#aro #aromantic #ace #asexual #aroace #loveless aro #loveless #non-partnering #nonpartnering #non partnering #nonamorous #aplatonic #enough of amatonormative tropes in media!!! enough 'you're miserable without love' stories!!! #less “you're too focused on ambitions to make you happy that you dont let yourself fall in love” #more “you're too focused on finding love to make you happy that you wont let yourself live” #more “there is so much more to life than love and so much more that can bring your happiness if you just let yourself experience it.” #maybe I should write this story #and when i say love i mean all love. not just romantic love. #which is why i tagged aplatonic too #while i mostly see this trope in terms of romantic love i think there's something to be said about #telling stories where people are perfectly content alone too #it doesn't have to be sad or pathetic to not have friends by choice. they dont have to be a miserable person to not have friends #i think we need more variety in stories where it shows people just content in their lack of love or relationships in all shapes #not everyone wants a family not everyone wants friends not everyone wants a partner not everyone wants love #some of us are content without. that should be explored without the need to fix it.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Swapping tips on how to be a bestie in the bath.

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #dungeon meshi #marcille donato #It is going to take a long time for pd-mdzs to get to the bathtub scene. At least we can have another gay bathtub scene sooner. #I know everyone is hyping this up at the yuri episode but guys it does not even start nor stop at the bathtub scene. #Hey old danmeshi fans; you guys remember when the animated trailer came out in 2019 and we lost our minds? #Now we are on the cusp of getting a *second* animation of the farcille cuddle moment. It feels unreal. #I have missed drawing wwx so much by the way. This was so healing. #This week is for dungeon meshi and next week is for raffles. Wei Ying... I miss thee. #Marcille and wwx have more in common than just this but that's spoilers B*) #I'll be back Thursday with more Dungeon Meshi art. Wouldn't miss this one for the world. #DUNGEON MESHI SPOILERS: now that the anime has caught up to the scene…yeah this handshake was also about necromacy #and bringing back someone loved…wrong. It is also about being a prodigy who falls from grace #and they both opt to study something that is deemed ‘evil’ because society said it was. They believe their method can be used to help! #not to mention the toxic self-reliance qualities. And the dark outfit transformation moment. They should have brunch together.

[valeovalairs]

My sister, who does not have a tumblr account and instead leeches off of mine, drew something on my iPad and wanted to share with the other good omens fans

She said if this hits a certain amount of notes they’ll make a tumblr account

Edit: it hit the certain amount, she’s @cultconstel

#Guys check out their art they’re so talented omg #They have so much awesome good omens art #They’re a bigger fan than I am #good omens #good omens fanart #aziracrow #ineffable husbands #Okay they aren’t looking over my shoulder anymore i love my sister dearly and they’re my best friend #Im always so impressed by their work like they’re literally so talented #They really should share their art because it’s so cool so I was more than happy to post this when she asked #You should see this one portrait of Aziraphale they did omg #They mostly use traditional mediums but asked to try out procreate

[wasyago]

we're at it again🕺

#jrwi riptide #gillion tidestrider #my art #sketch #back on my bullshit woo yeah woo yeah woo yeah #genuinely a lot happier with this design than the previous ones. the lighter metal looks better on him #and this one doesn't have a lot of detail (or any detail tbh) so it looks more solid and fun i think #and you can see im trying to figure out how gill would carry his sword around #technically he should just carry it in his hands and don't have a scabbard because its a longsword and isn't supposed to be sheathed... #but like... its not practical to always carry it in his hands. especially in a day to day life. because he always has the sword on him- #but he doesn't necessarily always hold it? like. he needs hands for stuff #i think i like the back scabbard better (even if i drew the whole turnaround for the hip one) just because it doesn't mess with his tail #plus that way destiny's blade is higher up and gets to look around at stuff and i think its funny #but then like... the cape is a little awkward if it has to go above the sword... #but its not a big deal. if he has a cape and armor on he probably holds the sword in his hands anyway #am i putting too much thought into this unnecessary detail? yes #am i rambling in the tags again instead of making a separate post? also yes

[omaano]

Echo with his tooka best buddy (and an extra) for @phantasm-echo 's DTIYS 🩵💙❤️

#echo #tbb echo #arc trooper echo #echo and fives #Star wars fanart #Phantasmecho DTIYS #My art #Digital art #tbb fanart #TCW fanart #I love echo very much I should really draw him more #artists on tumblr #This one turned out a little rough but I love the sketch very much nevertheless 😊 #I'm still on time today I believe #I'm still on holiday tho so.... Yeah #I'm sorry I found an image of a cat loafing and sketched it into rex and then I didn't have the heart to take him off XD #If Rex gets to have two cats so does echo #He deserves the extra headache for once #And he's got two hands to dole out all the pets and scritches #Also echo with his Handprint MY HEART THANK YOU FOR PUTTING THAT BACK ON TO HIM

[sneez]

pathologic but it's a lost 1920s german expressionist film [id under cut]

[id:

image 1: a digital drawing of a fake poster, using bright colours and rough, painterly brushstrokes. the title, 'pest' (german for 'plague'), is written at the top in spiky black text. in the foreground a man dressed as a tragedian is staring intently at the viewer, his hands raised and splayed as if in horror. in the background, the town is framed against a red sky, with the polyhedron in yellow behind.

images 2 and 3: fake casting sheets for the film, with the names of the actors and the characters they are playing above a black-and-white portrait photograph of them. all the text is in german. in english it reads: 'Pest', a film by Robert Wiene Alfred Abel as Victor Kain Ernst Busch as Grief Lil Dagover as Katerina Saburova Ernst Deutsch as the Bachelor Carl de Vogt as Vlad the Younger Marlene Dietrich as the Inquisitor Willy Fritsch as Mark Immortell Alexander Granach as Andrey and Peter Stamatin Bernhard Goetzke as General Block Dolly Haas as the Changeling Ludwig Hartau as the Haruspex Brigitte Helm as Anna Angel Brigitte Horney as Maria Kaina Emil Jannings as Big Vlad Gerda Maurus as Yulia Lyuricheva Lothar Menhert as Georgiy Kain Asta Nielsen as Lara Ravel Ossi Oswalda as Eva Yan Fritz Rasp as Stanislas Rubin Conrad Veidt as Alexander Saburov and Tragedian Paul Wegener as Oyun Gertrud Welcker as Aspity

image 4: four digital sketches of set designs for various locations. all are strongly influenced by expressionist imagery, using extreme angles, warped perspective, and dramatic shapes. they are labelled 'street 1' (a street lined with houses), 'street 2' (a square with a lamppost and a set of steps), 'polyhedron exterior' (the polyhedron walkway), and 'cathedral interior' (the dais at the far end of the cathedral).

image 5: four digital drawings in a black-and-white watercolour style, showing fake stills from the film. all are similarly distorted and lit by dramatic lighting. the first shows katerina's bedroom, with katerina standing in the centre of the floor. the second shows the interior of an infected house. the third shows daniil staring out of the frame in horror, one hand on his head and the other raised as if to ward something off. the fourth shows an intertitle with jagged white text reading 'the first day' against a dark background.

end id.]

#pathologic #artwork #conrad veidt #(i know there are many other actors but i dont have tags for them my bad) #anyway :D this has been my brain project for the past week or so i have been thinking about it so much #i have so many more things i want to draw for it but i am trying to hold myself back. for the sake of my Wrists #also obviously the cast list is way whiter than it should be for pathologic but german expressionist cinema was not particularly diverse an #i was trying to go for realism so apologies for that #i had so much fun with these i dont normally draw locations because i prefer drawing people but i found it so much more enjoyable #when i could mess around with the perspective and make stuff look wacky. thank you expressionism i love you expressionism #also it goes without saying that i was most heavily inspired by the cabinet of dr caligari (which is why i went with robert wiene. he would #do such a great job i think) #i hope you are all well my friends :D kiss you

[carouselunique]

They had a bit of a chance encounter on a day where Blueblood was dealing with something that was very difficult and was so caught up in his emotions he didn’t even care that he was in the garden getting grass stans on his coat and Ditzy, with her natural impulse to cheer ponies up, didn’t even notice or care that she was flying into the palace gardens when she saw someone sat in the rain.

At first he was definitely going to call the castle guards to come apprehend this strange filly with the odd eyes who was intruding when this was the last moment he’d want to entertain any desperate debutantes, however she surprised him by not fawning or anything, not even caring about his status, just putting one of her fluffy wings up and asking if he needed somepony to lend an ear.

“Don’t let my eyes fool you, my ears work just fine!”

She was incredibly disarming and while he didn’t reveal everything about why he was upset, he found himself talking about his feelings to her. And she made such cheerful remarks, and was very comforting. In the end, he felt better and she came to check on him the next day, even sharing a blueberry muffin with him. He remarked that he’d never seen her around before, and that he wouldn’t mind terribly seeing her more often.

The rest, as they say, is history.

#my little pony #mlp #ditzy doo #prince blueblood #my art #mlp g4 #mlpfim #mlp fim #my little pony friendship is magic #derpy hooves #swap six #side stars au #my silly pigeon girl and my lonely rich boy you are so important to me… #yes I should draw more stuff besides them I know and I will… i just missed them okay and the ask scratched an itch. #bonus tag lore for those who read my tags: Blueblood is upset about the mysterious disapperance of Sunset Shimmer #Celestia only told Blueblood and Cadence (and Cinch) that she was gone - no details #Cadence is somewhere else struggling in her own way #Blueblood may or may not be so emotional because he blames himself #Blueblood and Sunset bought into Cinch making them compete to be the best #she loved them as much as she was capable but part of having a good reputation means succeeding above all others #and while Cadence rebelled against that mindset the other two didnt. They were more friendly with Cadence than each other. #As Sunset grew angrier and more resentful of not being taken seriously by Celestia (The Fall of Sunset Shimmer for reference) #She fought with Blueblood more and I think he thinks he was the reason she left when in reality it was definitely the least his fault #but he doesnt know that…

[jeeaark]

I was always befuddled how such a mindflayer can be so hard to trust while ultimately having simultaneous goals as the team. Then I finally saw their stats in the other timeline.

It all makes sense now.

I am forever bemused by this this lower-than-the-average-squid-charisma disaster of a mindflayer.

I can only surmise that when the Emperor said Stelmane was the face of their business-partnership, it was not only meant literally but charismatically as well. Squid buddy's got the brains, none of the suave. If Emps tried rebuilding the Knights of the Shield without another business buddy, it might've been a tad difficult if morals were concerned huah.

#bg3 spoilers #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #the emperor bg3 #astarion #greygold #squid greygold #bg3 fanart #bg3 comic #The irony is that Greygold is also officially a nose-prying harper so....(if I remember correctly in the game) #Emps is just gonna have to live with a nose-prying business partner with ✨connections✨ #also I'm just realizing now that the 'authority' option was more like a tadpoled brainwashing mechanic #But for the sake of keeping the joke; lets call it a Netherbrain residue side-effect Emps is still recovering from the enthrallment #or claaaaassic moral decay intrusive thought #You ever just go 'I should not be allowed to have this much power over outfit designs' because -augh- #To frilled-high-collar or not to frilled-high-collar. THAT is the question. #(is cool; emps is probs chill with whatever Greygold makes) #Game epilogue be damned; Greygold can and will find their companions before the reunion party #Jokes on Astarion; Greygold fell for all their disaster companions charismatic catastrophe or not

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

*tries to organize my thoughts*

*remembers i'm not in school and therefore beholden to neither heaven nor hell nor any man's grading system*

*joyously shredding & tossing all my carefully arranged 3x5 mental notecards into the air like so much beige confetti. raising my arms in victory, cheering raucously until i accidentally inhale bits of homemade confetti*

(*coughing up itty bits of paper like a cat evicting a hairball with a firm understanding of tenants' rights*) wait wat happens next

#i marie kondoed my thoughts and *i* feel great. but now my stream-of-consciousness has escaped containment #so many innocent bystanders at stake #every time i try to organize my thoughts i run out of plastic bins and have to make a trip to the container store where i get even more dis #racted so. you can't just hand me THIS brain and NO catalogue OR library classification system #and expect me to single-handedly sort through all this nonsense? bad form but fucking form not in my job description #aNYways. formal education sure did a FUCKING NUMBER on us huh #(a number i measure not in gpa or dollars of student debt. #but in the number of therapy sessions & medical debt it will take to recover.) #seriously folks. our education systems are...innately traumatizing for a huge number of students. and we NEED to address this. #the fact that it is culturally common for adults to have anxiety nightmares about school/exams...even decades later? #that is not cute. it is Alarming. #no one--much less entire generations--should be spending their developmental years in an environment of chronic stress & pressure & strain #and yet that is the reality for millions and millions of pre-teen and teenage and young adult students #this isn't healthy and it serves and empowers NO ONE #...except of course the many exploitative educational & financial & debt-collecting institutions thriving from the current balance of power #and of course it's a nefarious and powerful way to sabotage/erase the middle class #which billionaires and the wealth-inequality creators they finance couldn't possibly have any noteworthy interest in whatsoever #it's not like there's an elite group of people with huge financial incentives to drain/steal resources from the masses... #anyways sorry for going all Conspiracy Theory on you. #obviously the billionaires who control the vast majority of our resources and news and political campaign funding #are not tied to every single itty bitty social issue and i'm a silly billy to imply it #please tell elon musk to ignore this tweet i am so subservient and acquiescent #mr musky u r so good at inheriting slavery-built mining fortunes & buying other people's companies #& building rocket ships & fancy cars that do NOT explode/catch fire & also NOT running billion dollar companies into the ground #mr musky u r so talented genius billionaire playboy with 10 kids and ex-wives who find you creepy af babe u r basically iron man

[raeofgayshine]

Thinking again about the fact that when Eddie and Dustin finally convince Steve to play DnD with the party, all of them, but especially Eddie, quickly become exasperated with Steve who has extremely high charisma, and decides that he can fix almost any situation by flirting with whoever they were in conflict with. Especially the fucking monsters, this man is bound and determined to himself a monster boyfriend and until it happens, he will make every single person they come across fall in love with him. So naturally, this happens a lot:

Steve: I’m going to flirt with them

Eddie, exasperated: Steve, you can’t date this monster, he’s trying to kill you-

Steve: Hot.

Steve: I’ll flirt with them harder then

#ravenpuff rambles #steve harrington #eddie munson #hellfire club #stranger things #steddie #Steve is a monster fucker and this essay I will- #they actually get him interested in playing because they were showing him the different monsters and Steve kept going #‘Hot. Also Hot. Hooot. Can I date this one? Oh HOT.’ #the monsters really did it for him. (and like also it made Dustin excited and you know he loves that kid) #Eddie: I should have known inviting you to sessions would go like this but for some reason I had hope you would behave #Steve: I am behaving. I’m using my highest stat determined by Dustin and Will to my advantage. #(Also I think Dustin and Will helped Steve build his character. Eddie wanted to do it but Steve insisted it should be a surprise) #(I don’t know much about dnd so I can’t go any further but I know this bitch would want high charisma (for good reason!)) #Robin loves to sit by and watch the sessions play out and she is always encouraging Steve to flirt more #there’s a new You Rule You Suck board #this one has a lot more you rule because it turns out Steve is amazing at getting high rolls

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Call that a Cave Story.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wen chao #wang lingjiao #mianmian #wei wuxian #jiang cheng #I had to cut the comic with JC 'holding WWX back from fighting the Wen Assholes' but it is with me in spirit. #It reads (to me) a little bit like JC is scared of Core Melting Hand and wants to have an excuse to hold on to WWX for comfort. #As far as I can recall they are around 15-17 in this arc. #And a guy who can rip out your golden core? The thing we know JC truly puts so much weight upon that he feels meaningless without it? #Yeah that's pretty terrifying. I hope WWX hugs back (he will not) #I have a lot more thoughts on Wang Lingjiao and Mianmian but I will keep them for later. #WLJ is a character I feel got done a little dirty because she has a ton of interesting potential that gets pushed aside for Mean Villainess #Let's be fully honest. Wen Chao and Wang Lingjiao are *THE* characters the Protag of one of those 'Reincarnated as the villain!' stories #Set up to be assholes to the main character and meeting a horrible end in retribution. #Do you think MXTX thought about that? How Wen Chao is basically the original Shen QiugQiu? #Who's going to be the brave soul who writes A transmigrator in wen chao's body (accidently makes wwx fall in love with him) story? #Though If we are going with “any mxtx character sho dies transmigrates to another book” WHO is the transmigrator? #Hear me out. I think it should be Original Liu Qingge. I think he and wwx would make a funny duo and I want to see it so bad. #AND the contrast of womanizer Wen Chao VS 'What is a woman' LQG.

[dailyloopdeloop]

DAY 71: shy

#codacheetah #isat #loop isat #isabeau isat #isat spoilers #i'll never get over loop being described as 'shy'. what a wonderful image #top one casual remarks from isabeau that cleaves loop's facade #like loop's personality is just a targeted missile to piss siffrin off. they're not at all confident and snarky #they're doing like the physical manifestation of winning an argument against yourself in the shower #second they see the party though Oopsies we're in scary territory. That's your family and they dont know it's you Oops #ok anyways ever since i saw that post i was like damn. this is just how i view loop in party postcanon #for as much as I think they SHOULD go explore around and be their own person for a while i think realistically they would not do that. #theyre going to go be a weird freak hovering around the party and refusing to socialize with anyone but siffrin and theyre gonna feel awful #(read: they're going to antagonize siffrin and it fails tremendously bc now The Rumor Come Out and siffrin knows what loop is doing.) #like loop as much as they can barely stand to even look at isabeau (for instance) i think their claws are sunk far too deep in. #onehats maybe the circumstances are different because there is a gap in understanding. there's no point forcing siffrin to confront the #obvious conclusion that loop is them (and thus siffrin's happy ending nails loop's coffin) #(THIS IS IGNORING TWOHATS PREREQS GOTTEN ONEHATS. BC THATS ITS OWN CAN OF WORMS) #but twohats. idk. for as much as it lets loop release some of their rage and process their feelings a bit. i think it might also be the pus #that makes loop consider their own existence as a person a bit more. theyre not a sponsor->corpse theyre just loop #theyre just somebody who wants desperately. they want to stay with them #theyre still siffrin. if also loop. #i think loop would force themself to reconnect with the party in the same vein as siffrin forcing himself to communicate more. #but of course having conviction and living an experience are not the same thing. so siffrin's going to flounder the emotional honesty thing #tremendously and loop's going to be. blair witching it in the corner. #hey i might have forgotten which post i was writing the tags under. oopsies #idk if these tags are comprehensible at all. i just really want to see loop fail upwards into friendship with everyone

[kitamars]

birthdays are just arbitrary days until someone wants chocolate

extra:

#*yells as tears stream down my face* FAMILY IS MADE AND NOT BORN AND THEY CAN BE THE STEONGEST BONDS OF ALL DNJDNFND #so many unresolved feelings about shouyou. i should draw him more. most of them are sadness #BUT!!!! BABY GIN!!! AND SHOUYOU SENSEI!!! AUGHHHHH #the comic came to me from madness last week as i was destressing from all the work i had last week and i was like #i have to finish this for his birthday or i’ll die #and i did! for oct 10th pacific time hfjhfhvd #god i love them #gin chan…… hapi basudei #many many happy returns of the day…..live happily #i love you so much even if i shit on you half the time ❤️ #sakata gintoki #yoshida shouyou #shimura shinpachi #kagura gintama #katsura kotarou #gintama #ok bye

[dollypopup]

I can't stop thinking about Colin on his travels. Colin, alone, on a journey to 17 different cities, across several countries. Colin on his own.

Colin who writes letter after letter, to his family, to his friends, and barely gets a response back. How long before he understands that they didn't get lost in the mail? How long until he realizes that, just like when he was a boy, no one has the time for him? The space for him? How many letters unanswered before he lets it finally take root and fester in his mind?

He could have died on that tour.

Would they even notice? Would they see when the letters slow until they cease? Would they wonder why? His mum, surely (maybe, possibly, but she has enough on her hands, besides, and he's never been a concern, in need of her assistance, before), but anyone else? Anthony on his honeymoon, Eloise a stormcloud personified, Benedict taking on the familial responsibilities, Fran preparing for the marriage mart and in Bath, regardless. Daphne, his closest sister, a mum running her own estate.

Greg and Hyacinth who enjoy his stories, but are children.

Pen who ignores him. No explanation, no goodbye.

Colin who has no one in his corner. Colin who travels city to city, putting on personas. Will they like me? What about now? Colin who has hardly anything to read from the people he loves. Who do not think of him.

And yet he thinks of them. Brings them back gifts, writes his recollections for them until it hits him that, oh, they don't care. They don't care what he's doing, how he's doing. They didn't want to hear it before, when he was there with them, and they do not want to hear it now, either. Did they even open those envelopes? Did they see them come through the post, just as proof he's alive, and shrug off the contents? Did they look? Once, Colin sends an empty page. No one notices. Easier, then, to send just the outsides. People only ever care about the outsides. Pretty and prim in neat packages, uncaring of what lies beneath. Sea sick on the rocking boats, staring up at stars on the continent, Colin grows aware, but not bitter. Sad, but resigned.

He loves his family, he loves Pen, loves them to grace, loves them to it's okay. It was him, he determines. Too chatty, his letters too long, uninteresting, his passions dull or droll, or else, worse, he's displeased them in some way. Colin who takes refuge in stranger's arms and homes, who dreams and tries to sate his curiosity. Colin who pretends, because anyone, anyone but him would be received better, he's sure of it. Colin who must talk too much, surely, and with no one to listen. Colin who learns to hush.

Yes. Remarkable- as in, I have many remarks about it.

How many times did he go to excitedly write of what he did that week, and stopped himself, knowing it was a waste? How many times did he write and throw into the fire a letter asking Why don't you see me? Why don't you care?

If he didn't make it, how long would it take for anyone to notice? A month? Two? A year? Would they wave it off as his frivolity, denounce him as a flake and fume about the funds? Would they wonder where it was he had lost himself off at?

He cannot fall into that, so, he writes in his journal, instead. Of the ache of it, of how he longs for connection, for understanding, for someone to take him seriously. He keeps it with him, this log of his discontent, of his folly and felicity, of his pitfalls and pains.

If he didn't make it, would they realize all that's left of him is what he sent them, not even a body to bury? Did he look over the side of a bow of a boat and look at the churn of the ocean and think of how many bones it held? Did he tip his face to the sun? How many new scars did he earn? Who did he befriend?

Who did he become?

Somewhere along the line, Colin learned. He learned the real him wasn't wanted.

Somewhere along the line, somewhere between Patmos and Paris, Colin left Colin behind.

And, somewhere along the line, Colin laid face to face with loneliness in his bed, and it wrapped its arms around him.

#colin bridgerton #bridgerton #polin #say what you will- i understand why pen did it- but i still think ghosting your friend with no explanation #when he's off on a journey he could very well die on. . .not great #and what the fuck else was his family doing that they couldn't respond to his letters? they are aristocrats living in an off season #in the country- write a letter back to your son/brother who could perish in a land where no one knows him #idk i think about this a lot like colin was just. . .so uncared for and so unseen #he went off on travels to Europe in the early 1800s #anything could have killed him #and eloise last told him his letters slogged on and on and if he liked it so much he should have stayed #in an ideal world when colin said he apologized for what he said pen would ALSO apologize for not telling him sooner #i don't think she realizes just how lonely colin actually is #just how unseen he is #she thinks like so many others think that he's a popular man and oh so well regarded #that colin isn't real #colin isn't listened to- i wish more people would have empathy for him about that