#you better believe I did

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Bonus 8: How met your mother (CSSR design by @qourmet!)

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#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #cangse sanren #wei changze #jiang fengmian #It was important to me that WCZ had the hereditary mole. I will die on this hill. #I have been *waiting* for the day to finally arrive when I could finally make this comic. It's been marinating for months. #My mission is to redraw all of qour's character designs one day. They are just *that* good. #CSSR has the vibes of a wandering menace who shows up in towns like a stray cat arriving at a new doorstep for treats. 10/10. #While YZY strongly leads us to believe that JFM was in love with CSSR and that's his whole motivation behind taking wwx in- #-I do think this is (once again) rumour being presented as reality. It's the juicer story to tell after all. #It is still possible that he did love her! But I think that story undercuts the relationship he also had with WCZ. #Yall ever think about how JC and WWX parallel their fathers? How Wei Changze also left the Jiang Leader's side? I do. #Unlike JC though It is far more hilarious and plausible to imagine JFM begging to be CSSR and WCZ's third. You know he would. #My wild headcanon is that JFM and YZY are in a mlm and wlw arranged marriage situation. Deeply unhappy as partners. Better as friends. #they care for each other and I'll admit that there is a beautiful tragedy in them having romantic feelings for each other the whole time. #But I am also here for the gaffs. Let them be unfulfilled homosexuals together. #Meanwhile cssr and wcz are having incredible hetrosexual sex in a bisexual way that WILL leave him pregnant by the end of it.

[milkywayes]

GARRUS VAKARIAN: DATABASE IMAGE ACCESS. > PT. 1 : 2160, 2166, 2170. > all files backdated according to user preferences: (terran_coordinated.calendar).

#mass effect #mass effect fanart #garrus vakarian #mass effect garrus #castis vakarian #solana vakarian #turians #alien #palaven #artists on tumblr #illustration #art #scifi #video games #milkyart #garrus retro #I want to make more of these so I'm giving it a tag #headcanons go as such: #turians have a downy coat from birth to toddler age after which actual feathers develop - which molt during puberty. #they're the color of the plates since feathers are modified scales! so for the vakarian siblings they're silvery. #child garrus playing spectre - solana already annoyed by it back then. but hey at least he's using sources for his make believe? nerd #first time castis takes him shooting it's a live target. have fun kid I hope this won't awaken anything in you or do irreparable damage #castis voice: I didn't raise him like this! #well buddy someone did. #also - hard to see but the leaves and tree trunks have a metallic sheen :-) #god this took SO LONG ive never done something quite like this before! also wanted to do landscape for once. #social media is so hostile to this format but I think 3 images is a good workaround #will make a detail post later on... the faces are probably getting fried by tumblr :( #oh I gave castis the comic markings. they look way better and imo make more sense. and we don’t talk about me:a here

[inkskinned]

it mattered because when my brother asked me what if this is the happiest you'll ever be? the best you'll ever get? the thing i felt was fear, not peace. everybody thought you were so perfect for me. even i thought you were "helping me grow". i had to challenge every internal clock. make myself more thoughtful, more kind, more beautiful.

i told my therapist it was good because i like the changes i made and there's something so strong about saying i did that. the problem is that i can like the difference all i want, but i changed for you. something akin to getting your name tattooed, all my progress is stamped with fuck you.

it was the happiest i'd ever been and also the best i'd ever gotten. i would still get in the car and think what the fuck just happened.

#warm up #writeblr #i spent a lot of time picturing our future #how funny to think: in each version of our future #i was never myself #i was someone smarter kinder braver #better adept. #who could navigate the way you shouted and got angry at small things and never fucking believed the best of me #i would never be needy and you'd never get tired of me #people usually talk about how we picture people as being “fixable”. but i assumed i was the problem. my idyllic picture wasn't of you. #it was a version of me that wasn't ill. that needed no extra help. that could be your wife and happy #the fact i wasn't happy was because there is something so wrong inside me. it's always been that way. i convinced myself: #if i stay i can change. if i stay i can make it worth it. i can apologize and fix this. and make us both okay. #for the last year i've been thinking about how you blamed our whole breakup on me. how it was my fault for whatever thing. #and i agreed with you. because of course i did. you'd trained me to believe everything was my fault . that you wanted to love me and i made #it far too hard. that i was always finding ways to ''set you off'. #a few days ago while i was doing something else #i realized that while i was in crisis you told me to fuck off and find someone else to get help. and you never fucking apologized . #you said i made you do that because i wasn't being sensible. i had been crying too hard to speak clearly. #you said: you're doing this to manipulate me. #you forgave yourself for that. i had to forgive you without apology. you said you were right to react that way. and then you were SO #SO annoyed. any time i said: i feel like you aren't nice to me. it is hard to trust that you love me. #i don't think about you that much anymore. but these days when i do: all i can think is that im not sure u ever really understood kindness #you were the cruelest to the people closest to you. and most of the time. that meant it fell to me.

[swan2swan]

If Sammy ever found out about this, she would lasso Darius, tie him to a chair, tell Yaz to yell at him for her, storm out of the room, and then come back after Yaz's "What were you THINKING?" rant with the Gun Safety Manual, and then lecture him for another hour.

#''I THOUGHT I TAUGHT YOU BETTER THAN THAT DARIUS BOWMAN.!!!!!!!'' #jurassic world: chaos theory #jwct #chaos theory spoilers #jw:ct #chaos theory #darius bowman #seriously though that was insanely dangerous #yaz gives him the ''DID YOU THINK ABOUT THE CONSQUENCES EVERYONE CARES ABOUT YOU WHAT IF YOU'D GOTTEN HURT'' side of the rant #and if she wasn't present in the room Sammy would just put Yaz on speaker #gun safety #and yes I fully believe that Sammy taught Darius how to use a gun on Nublar #she taught everyone how to do it #there are guns and there are dinosaurs and everyone needs to be Safe #BUT SHE TAUGHT YOU BETTER

[piratewinzer]

Me when the pirate romcom has classic romcom moments: CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY DID THAT?? DID YOU SEE IT??? WHAT IS HAPPENING I CANNOT BELIE-

#ofmd #our flag means death #I mean they are doing it louder and better and funnier than anyone else in my defense #I just - the amount of squealing I am doing in season 2 is unreal and involuntary #but also CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY DID THAT???? #no spoilers in this post #but beware this blog is not safe from spoilers though they will be tagged #as thoroughly as I can #david Jenkins #taika waititi #rhys darby #edward teach #Blackbeard #stede bonnet #gentlebeard

[f1-enjoyer]

me finding out that my fear of williams giving logan the repaired chassis is coming true

#f1 #williams what the fuck #i was rooting for you we were all rooting for you!! #give mr america his undamaged chassis back!!! #alex crashed his so he can drive the repaired one #(none of this is alex's fault it rests on the team) #(but he did crash his car and therefore should drive the repaired one imo) #logan sargeant #williams racing #how can you expect logan to get better and improve when you're constantly showing him that you actually don't believe in him at all

[chessb0r3d]

i cracked the code.

#believing dirk is the worst guy because its what dirk thinks of himself #ignoring daves bisexuality and think hes a gay man in denial even when he explained hes bisexual #believing john 'im not a homosexual' egbert is explicitly straight while he makes out with his mcconahey and cameron posters more #than he kissed women(literally only once) #believing that rose is an edgy psyhcotic little bitch when she was neglected. she speaks elegantly to cover that shes silly and a total ner #and how did people forget that rose also writes gay wizard fanfiction. reads Wikipedia. and her beautiful artstyle as a result of neglect #(and by neglect meaning having SO MUCH TIME to draw) #jake wasnt into dirk. he also told di that he didnt like how brobot getting touchy with him during strifes #but as part of the repression 4(prospit kids). he refused on changing the bot settings #what jane said about roxy being better when she was drunk. it was fucking sarcasm. its the least insane shit you could say to a best friend #all the kids have issues and of course people get mad over a girl being sarcastic. #when KARKAT said THE SAME THING to rose when she was drunk on the meteor nobody bats an eye #trolls are just grey humans that are bugs. he doesnt get an excuse for being an alien. humans were made from KARKATS BLOOD #jade isnt all silly girl and is so FULL OF HATE towards the trolls. she called karkat a fuckass (VERY FUNNY) to do her a favor #“jade would rather have punched karkat in the fact then had a pleasent conversation with him.” #“she viewed the trolls as rude mean and cruel. and even thought that nepeta was just making fun of her. #despite it being that nepeta just wanted to roleplay and have fun." #dred.loki #I HAVE YET TO ADD MORE. THESE ARE JUST NOTES #homestuck #chss

[turtleblogatlast]

I kinda love how the moment Leo got his dual wield katana back, he adapted so much more naturally to his teleportation abilities.

Not to say he didn’t come around with the odachi, but it was pretty clear that he struggled hard with the mystic properties of it, and I think that it’s partially because while the odachi itself is a portaling tool that seemingly most anyone can use, Leo’s innate mystic abilities call for something to work with him, not for him.

So it makes perfect sense why his katana, made from himself and more in line with how he naturally fights, finally allow him to seamlessly grasp his space warping abilities to the extent he can.

#rottmnt #rottmnt leo #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt headcanons #I would also like to add that at the end of the day both swords are still just tools #and I believe without those tools Leo’s mystic ability can be very very dangerous for him #not only do the swords act as a mental harness of his teleportation and portals #but also and more specifically they act as anchors #teleportation is!!! really scary actually!!! you have to be VERY skilled or be VERY careful to not be trapped in like #solid mass or in the middle of the ocean or even in between realities #might be better for Leo to rely so heavily on his swords in terms of his mystic abilities because if he decided to do as Mikey did #and go without them #uh #probably wouldn’t end well! #can easily imagine a scenario where the boys all like #get mystic sickness #and their abilities go way outta wack #with Leo he’d just be flitting in and out of existence #okay I stop talking now listen I just love Leo and I reallyyyyy adore his mystic abilities they’re so fun esp the teleportation #edit: side note but it’s also notable that in the turtle tot short #Leo even as a tot was wielding the dual katana naturally and without issue #he was always meant to use them so having a heavy odachi instead would of course be a bit of a learning curve for him

[emmerrr]

far and away my favourite thing about tsc was the direct parallels we got between neil and jean now that we've been allowed inside jean's head as well.

we have neil who's almost frighteningly self-sufficient; getting to grips with his surroundings when he moves to psu as soon as possible by going for long solo runs, not waiting for his teammates after he's done at the stadium, going shopping on his own for stuff on foot and only buying what he can carry back by himself, hitchhiking back from columbia -- the fact that he could have asked coach or any of his upperclassmen to come and get him not even occuring to him. but through forced proximity, he gets to know them more, and he gets to like them, and they become the people that he would do anything for, that he fought so hard to stay with.

on the other hand we have jean, whose time in the nest has had the adverse effect; he's never alone, he's hardly ever off-campus, and he's never had the kind of freedoms that you'd usually be afforded at college. the idea of living off-campus is horrifying to him, the idea of having his own room is unheard of to him -- and unsettling enough for him to want jeremy to move in there with him. jeremy shows him the way to the court but he's too disoriented to follow along properly because he's not used to being out in a city like this. for years he hasn't been allowed a life outside of exy and the nest, so he doesn't know how to be out in the world. he has no idea how to navigate it. he sees exy as his only purpose, so anything that doesn't seem to serve this goal is meaningless and egregious to him.

...but then there's jeremy, and cat, and laila.

idk, just, something something neil didn't realise how lonely he was until he met the foxes, and jean was painfully aware of how lonely he was despite being stuck with the ravens all of the time, and is now getting the chance to learn that it doesn't have to be like that with the trojans.

#i feel like neil looks at jean and can't help but see what he could have been #& jean looks at neil and can't believe he didn't have the good grace to stay hidden because wouldn't it have been so much easier if he did #and also they both pity each other but in opposite ways #neil's so determined to hold on to people because it gives him a vested interest in staying in line and he thinks jean deserves people too #whereas jean just thinks neil's making everyone he cares about a target and so isn't it better to not have any of that #because then you don't even know what you're missing out on? #UGH #the sunshine court #jean moreau #neil josten #tsc #tfc #emma reads tsc

[the-knife-consumer]

The weirdest thing in totk so far has been finding out that there was an intended method of finding mineru where you were supposed to get hints steadily on who the fifth sage was and you weren't supposed to just force your way through zero visibility thunderstorms for the sake of exploring and then getting jumpscared by a talking construct head and realizing you just triggered a major plot centric quest early to mid game with only two other sages

#just. purah being like. link you wont believe this but theres a FIFTH sage 😮 #and um. you mean mineru my friend mineru #i built her body and then once i found out there was COMBAT i had to do with her i left immediately #bc i was under the impression that she couldnt fight unless you were controlling her. and i sucked at controlling her #so she did end up joining me last as the game inteded her to. but i had her body assembled for a bulk of my game time #like. you cant just put a giant island chain constantly shrouded by thunderstorms in plain sight and expect me to #NOT make a beeline to it. come on. #but i thought about it and the stubling across her on accident was sooo much better then what they wanted me to do #just felt more special and mysterious #totk spoilers

[buwheal]

get turned into a print idiot

hrrrghhh i fixed a few things afterwards this was just a test print,, but... when im done with the other stuff i need to do with,, i really want to try printing on a shirt for myself :-3

#hes. slightly. fucked up. uhm. but would you believe me if i said this was my first time messing around with carving a real plate... #so its excusable!! it came out better than i thought it would to be honest #teehee im having so much fun #i fucking stabbed myself with the trough tip and immediately realized what i was doing wrong #oops #but i did like carving hes so silly #buwheart #spamton #idrk to be honesr waugh #BACK TO YGM YAYYY YAYYY!!!!!!!!! I have ideas ive been waitnig to get to i am frothing at the mouth to do them #theyre sketched out and everything i just need to get to that point

[dumbacery]

does this ship exist yet or am i driving the boat myself

#persona 5 #takao eiko #niijima makoto #eiko x makoto #makoto x eiko #based off of the thomas sanders vine #edit: cant believe i misspelled tsukasa and didn't notice until hours later #me? getting attached to an extremely minor character? it's more likely than you think! #justice for eiko she deserved better tbh #i honestly did not care much for makoto's confidant but i loved eiko

[maypersonne]

Shang Qinghua really does think that he is unlovable huh

He really thinks that he is of no value to anyone if he isn't making himself useful he will be disposed off and that will be it

He genuinely believes no would ever want him so he manipulate and posture as a lesser so to be seen as a necessary annoyance rather than the pest he believes himself to be

He hates all the work he has to do but he prefers exhaustion to the paranoia and anxiety that eat him up when he isn't showcasing his value

He is in a constant battle just to be acceptable rather than loved so he can just be in the presence of those who are dear to him

Like damn like father like son I can see where binghe got all his issues like airplane bro stop unloading it all on your OCs look you gave the poor dear anxiety

#sqh child of divorce #svsss #shang qinghua #actually this was part of my grand scheme to formulate that everything is cumplane but like it became its own thing #i was gonna relate it to #moshang #i was trying to say that bingqiu and moshang relationship hangups are similar #like mobei jun is repressing his feelings and believes that someone like him doesn't fall in love with a human or a servant or a lil rat #he internalized how he should and shouldn't act to be socially acceptable like sqq #and like he's difficult to read in general and refuses to talk about his feelings that also he doesn't understand #sqq and mbj both have sinuous minds that defy the mortal's comprehension #anyway #cumplane agenda #sqh: i made a power fantasy! #(cucumber voice): you fucked up a perfectly good protagonist is what you did! look at it it got anxiety! #sqh: well see thats what some would call a self insert #like sqh making memes about isn't making it better but i guess it's maybe better then bottling it all up #sqh got so much of his validation from his readers #so for sy to actually *see* him to criticize him to believe in him to know how good he can be #he doesn't even realize it #that does something sqh's lizard brain

[samanthamulder]

THE X-FILES (1993-2018)

SEASON FOUR — The truth will save you, Scully. I think it'll save both of us.

#txf #tv #txf4 #the x files #txfedit #tvedit #scifiedit #horroredit #.gif #thexfilesnet #*txfrewatch #this season did NOT have to go this hard... #most insane moment to me is in elegy after mulder asks her 'why can't you trust me?' when scully sits in her car and cries #and as a parallel mulder crying at home (bottom left gif) after scully tells him 'it's easier to believe the lies isn't it?' and #that she was made ill just as a means to make him believe. to fool him #INSANE SEASON for insane people #& what I already said the other day: it's also the season where they're both just stupidly attractive. :') #it's also the best acted I think (for both of them. and not just thanks to better writing) #...I still prefer s3 tho :') because I love the silly episodes too much and this season just doesn't have those (except small potatoes) #also...I watched this so quickly omg...💀 like I started on saturday I think? um... :'') #but I have to take a break now anyway. because of the horrors (adulting) so it's nice that I got this far at least!

[magistralucis]

her name is milkshake. go girl give us nothing 🤗

#isopod #roly poly #woodlouse #woodlice #magic potion #armadillidium vulgare #would you believe this is the second time she did this in a row which is how i even got to film her in the first place 🤣 #god i love isopods. they are SO DRAMATIC when they fall over no matter how briefly #anyway hi hello isopod lovers i keep isopods i have porcellio scaber and armadillidium vulgare (magic potion + gem mix + wildtype) #i've kept them for some months now but only recently have felt somewhat confident in my husbandry to talk about it #i was kind of negative towards them at the start not going to lie i never really liked 'bugs' all my life #but those little dirt shrimp have changed my way of thinking and for the better. they are just. they're just so nice #milkshake here is (i think) the first a. vulgare mother in their current tank and i look forward to seeing how her babbies grow